Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest (2006), Part IV — “That’s Like, Super Unhygienic

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start Dead Man’s Chest. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fourth part of Dead Man’s Chest:

We begin Part IV at Isla Cruces.

Or rather, they’re traveling there.

Apparently they’re all going together.

Not sure why.

I guess because that’s what the plot dictates.

Colin:

Somebody’s gotta row. And then there’s Jack. And you know Keira’s going cause she goes everywhere. Norrington has been bossy this whole time — a weird combination of bossy and submissive that I really enjoy, actually — so it would make sense that he’d jump in the boat and be ready to go.

Yeah, this’ll end well.

“Guard the boat, mind the tide – don’t touch my dirt.”

Colin:

NICE shot.

Colin:

More nice shots.

I also like this shot as well.

Colin:

Why do I feel like they did something similar in Three Kings?

Colin:

I really do like this prop. I think it’s the way the disc is painted.

“This doesn’t work. And it certainly doesn’t show you what you want most.”

Colin:

She wants some of that Depp.

“Yes it does. You’re sitting on it.”

Colin:

Or she’s sitting on the chest.

“Move.”

Colin:

AHAHAHAHAHA get your rachet ass off my chest

Colin:

More dirty telescope shots.

“They’re here. And I cannot step foot on land for near of a decade.”

Colin:

Why can’t he set foot on land more than once a decade? I think I might have missed the mythology or whatever. It seems like he’s a supernatural being with mystical powers…so who does he answer to if he goes on land?

If he steps on land they cut out his… oh.

“Trust us to act in your stead.”

“I’ll trust you to know what awaits you should you fail.”

Colin:

That’s great. When someone doesn’t trust his subordinates as much as he trusts how terrified his subordinates are of him.

“Down, men.”

This might be the shot of the movie. Brilliantly conceived. Clearly a CGI mask with the wave, but honestly, it still works when you see it in real time. So I’ll give them a pass. It’s a great shot.

Colin:

How do they keep their powder and shot dry? How does this all work? The rest of this ship is governed by physics, like the sails and all that shit. But they can just dive all of a sudden? I don’t get how SOME of your ship is magic, but then they can’t catch the Pearl, randomly.

Colin:

That’s when you make doo doo.

Colin:

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig.

(Have you guys seen Milk?)

White woman pose.

Colin:

I wanna dig up treasure. Only once. Not like a bunch of holes to find it. Although that does get me thinking about children’s literature, which always makes me a bit Louis Sachar-ine.

This is the Tarantino trunk shot of the Caribbean.

This looks kind of like a little doghouse.

Colin:

What’re all these letters? I wanna read those.

“It’s real.”

“You actually were telling the truth.”

“I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.”

“With good reason.”

See that, Natalie? That’s a run.

Colin:

Aw, that stings, don’t it?

“How did you get here?”

“Sea turtles, mate.”

Colin:

Now Will’s here? How’d that work out? Is he really gonna stick with the sea turtle story? It’s not gonna be explained how he just showed up here?

Well, Jack knows he’s on the Dutchman, which would imply that the Dutchman is here.

Kind of strange how that doesn’t seem very important.

“Not so easy, is it?”

“But I do owe you thanks, Jack. After you tricked me onto that ship to square your debt with Jones –”

“What?”

“I was reunited with my father.”

This is some Telemundo shit.

Colin:

He even looks like he could be Mexican.

“Everything you said to me – every word was a lie?”

Colin:

She’s pissed at him for lying, but she should be pissed at herself for getting played so often.

“Pretty much. Time and tide, love.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna kill Jones.”

He should read the letters first.

“I can’t let you do that, William.”

“Because if Jones is dead, who’s to call his terrible beastie off the hunt, eh?”

Pretty sure that beastie only comes when it’s called. And didn’t he take that shit off your hand? So I don’t see a problem with this at all. Though — the rules of the Kraken are very vague. Since it was able to follow his hat (does it have some sort of bloodhound sense of smell? Did we ever ask how it figured that out?), but yet will have to be called later to come fuck up his ship. It’s very strange how that works. Does it just roam the waters, only killing who its supposed to? Does he keep it somewhere?

“Now… if you please – the key.”

“I keep the promises I make, Jack. I intend to free my father. I hope you’re here to see it.”

Wait, what?

“I keep the promises I make.” Well who said you needed to fucking make it?!

“I intend to free my father.” YOU CAN FUCKING COMMAND HIM TO WITH THE HEART YOU DON’T NEED TO STAB IT YOU SHMOHAWK

“I hope you’re here to see it.” What?

Depp’s expression.

“I can’t let you do that either.”

Colin:

Mexican standoff. TRIANGULAR MEXICAN STANDOFF.

It looks like he has a sword for a hand.

“I knew you’d warm up to me eventually.”

“Lord Beckett demands the contents of that chest. I deliver it, I get my life back.”

“Ah, the dark side of ambition.”

“Oh, I prefer to see it as the promise of redemption.”

Colin:

Wait, so…Jack and Will both need it for individual tasks. You have the chest, you control Jones. So why does will need to KILL him? Just have him release Pops. And then he can make Jones call off the Kraken. And then Beckett can have the chest. Or not, cause he’d use it to get Will and Jack. So really, there’s no reason for Will and Jack to be fighting each other. Only Norrington. And they’d fuck him up.

I really enjoy kicks to the chest.

I love this island.

“Guard the chest.”

“No.”

Colin:

White chicks won’t do shit.

Colin:

I like a three way fight. The fuck is going on here? This is interesting! They’re all fighting the other two. It’s like the final gunfight between Eastwood, Wallach and Van Cleef, only way faster and with less amazing music.

“This is barbaric.”

(This isn’t wizard’s chess.)

“This is no way for grown men to settle – oh, fine!”

Colin:

This is such a good location for it, though.

“Let’s just pull out our swords and start banging away at each other! That will solve everything!”

Colin:

Maybe it’s the accent, or maybe it’s that she’s female, but I can’t understand a single word Keira’s saying right now.

“I’ve had it! I’ve had it with wobbly-legged, rum-soaked pirates!”

“Now how’d this go all screwy?”

“Well – each wants the chest for hisself, don’t he? Mr. Norrington, I think, is trying to regain a bit of honor. Old Jack’s looking to get it to save his own skin. And Turner, there, I think he’s trying to settle some unresolved business twixt him and his twice-cursed pirate father.”

“Sad. That chest must be worth more than a shiny penny.”

Colin:

This is where I like these two, finally. He explains it all, and instead of bickering, the other one’s like, “Yeah, that’s what’s going on. Let’s do something about this.”

“If we was any kind of decent, we’d remove temptation from their paths.”

I love the idea of this. A giant island, and they’re fighting on it, and there’s all this distance — pretty much anything that happens in this place would be interesting.

“Enough!”

“Oh…”

“Oh…the heat!”

Colin:

HAHAHAHA BITCH YOU CAN’T FAINT NO MORE DON’T NOBODY GIVE A SHIT

GREAT SHOT!

Colin:

I love the POV of them fighting sideways. I don’t usually like POV, but that’s a good one.

This is screwball. This is great.

Colin:

Sneaky bastards. Where are they GOING?

Colin:

Yeah, this is actually a really interesting fight.

I love this. Because there’s no reason to have this shot, and yet — it’s terrific. Just getting water all over and in front of the frame.

It’s hard to say much about this fight, but when you watch it, it’s really well-choreographed.

How to make swordfighting FABULOUS!

Colin:

SAND IN THE EYES

This would be a great shot from Transformers.

Colin:

And now these gross CGI dudes are coming out of the water. Get your grass types ready. Bulbasaur, I choose you.

(Who the hell liked BULBASAUR? What a useless starter. Weak, one of the most common types, and it only appeared good cause it destroyed the first two gyms. What shit.)

You can tell it was shit because they had to have it evolve four levels earlier just to make it seem less shitty.

Colin:

I couldn’t have much more disdain for Bulbasaur. Sometimes I find out that people used to choose Bulbasaur over Charmander or Squirtle and it makes me think less of them as people. Like actually, though.

The only time I like Bulbasaur is when you compare it to the other bullshit grass starters they had in later generations. Because he’s the only one with personality. The other ones destroy him on stats and shit, but, character-wise, Bulbasaur is the best grass starter by far.

Nice shot.

Colin:

Interesting variation on the original theme here.

Colin:

More pulleys and shit like in the blacksmith shop fight. You get the feeling these choreographers loved playing Gizmos and Gadgets.

Colin:

Isn’t it weird that this stone building is crumbling to pieces, but the rope is totally cool?

Colin:

Of course the bell has to ring.

Colin:

This franchise has lens flares like Star Wars has wipes.

Not exactly Moria, is it?

The camera placements make this work better than it should.

Now that takes balls. A tally ho there.

Colin:

That was a fucking tally ho into a slice.

Look at this fucking place.

Colin:

Ahh. Water wheel. You can see where this is going.

I LOVE these types of shots. Tableau, three people, swords, fighting.

Brilliant.

“Do excuse me while I kill the man who ruined my life.”

“Be my guest.”

Wasn’t he the one who ruined his own life? Wasn’t it his decision to sail into a hurricane?

“Let us examine that claim for a moment, Commodore, shall we?”

“Who was it, that at the very moment you had a notorious pirate safely behind bars saw fit to free said pirate and take your dearly beloved all to hisself?”

“Aye?”

“So whose fault is it really that you’ve ended up a rum-popped deckhand what takes orders from pirates?”

“Enough!”

Colin:

That was a rather acrobatic tally ho.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Turner, he’s right.”

(FYI, this is the kind of shot we love here.)

“Still rooting for you, mate.”

Colin:

“….oh.” Yes.

1741?

Colin:

No way. No way in hell.

This is where we get ridiculous. The water wheel I can go with, but this part — nuh uh.

That’s pretty ridiculous. If they just fought atop the thing and we did all that stuff, it would be great, but it’s these touches that bring it down.

Colin:

It’s good that we can all laugh about this.

“Hello, Poppet.”

Colin:

She thinks she’s got this but it turns out she don’t got this.

Super rape.

Colin:

This is where we all take a moment to go, “What the fuck?”

And now back to our regularly scheduled rape.

AXE OUT OF NOWHERE!

They’re like putties.

Colin:

Well don’t just fucking STAND there. And how did you not see that you were gonna hit this tree? Are you George of the fucking Jungle?

Colin:

Wait, he jumped in again and this time, WHERE’S THE BAR? He hit his head last time and now that thing is gone.

The camera angles they’re getting here are terrific.

And yet… On Stranger Tides happened…

Colin:

And I don’t know what that means yet.

See? This is great, this angle.

This is pretty brilliantly choreographed.

Colin:

This is plumbing new depths for ridiculousness. But it’s a fucking Disney movie about pirates, so why the fuck not? It’s entertaining. And well done, more importantly.

See, this looks cool, but why the fuck would you do that? Give me that sword, I’ll give him the sword I have. It makes no sense at all. But it looks cool and is fun, so whatever.

Colin:

You know, I’m going through these looking for comments to add or stuff that I wanted to point out…and there isn’t anything.

Colin:

Ah, so Jack gets out. JUST as they reach their first issue. No obstacles so far, and nothing but flat ground. But now there’s a hill.

Colin:

No, he’s not gonna throw a coconut at him.

Colin:

That was way too good a shot.

I have literally nothing to say about any of this.

And I’m not even trying.

Colin:

Why does this guy sound like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s?

That’s actually Flaming Dragon guy from Tropic Thunder.

He’ll be back.

Colin:

How can the body follow the voice? The ears are on the head. The brain should still control the body.

Colin:

Ew, it’s like a regular heart, just with no blood. So I don’t know how that works. He kali ma’ed himself, but there’s no blood.

What if he just bit into it right now?

This might put a new twist into the “shot in the pocket, but were saved by a bible and a flask” trope.

Though, if one of these crew guys accidentally fucked up this heart, wouldn’t they then be captain? So aren’t all of these guys taking the wrong stance on this? Shouldn’t they want Jones to be killed?

I’m really enjoying her fucking people up.

Colin:

She’s way too good. She can’t be this good. I refuse.

Colin:

There were like six of them before, and they killed some. How are there this many?

More long shots of Johnny Depp running toward and away from things.

Colin:

OH the dirt is to put the heart in! Got it.

That’s like, super unhygienic. What if that had to go back in his dead man’s chest?

This is fucking glorious.

Love that pan.

Even the fucking water wheel tally hos.

Colin:

All points converge.

Colin:

Although, no fucking way. Cause in this time, Jack got to see the dude, hit him with a coconut, open the chest, get the heart and then run down here. All after we see the wheel start down the hill. And the wheel is still coming down the hill when Jack’s already here. Why must movies always fuck up spatial and time relationships? They pretty much just deal in terms of people and potential actions and don’t worry a lot about how they go together.

This shot is fucking glorious too. Just her face and all that beautiful stuff in the background.

Holy shit, I really love this shot.

Colin:

Dizzy fucks.

Colin:

Who’s figured out what? I’m so confused.

This is great. One person shows up, another leaves, and no one’s paying attention to anyone else.

Colin:

Fuck you and your sword. We got an oar and a net.

Will’s got this shit.

… oar not.

Colin:

People be getting oared like crazy in this franchise.

Looks like he just got a taste of the… soup du j’oar.

The spatial relations in this moment (after they all get there) and the fact that we know what everyone is after here is really well done.

I’m actually coming around on this movie.

Not that I ever disliked it. But in terms of how they’re telling the story they wanted to tell – they’re telling it well.

Colin:

I could do without the extended goofy sequences. I have a limit on swashbuckling.

That’s what ruins this movie from being amazing. The goofy shit. The cannibullshit. It would be really great if it didn’t get so kiddy and stupid unnecessarily.