Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest (2006), Part V — “Christopher Reef”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we finish Dead Man’s Chest.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Dead Man’s Chest:

We begin Part V during the escape:

“What happened to the chest?”

“Norrington took it to draw them off.”

“Where’s the Commodore?”

“He fell behind.”

Colin:

Callback.

“My prayers be with him.”

“Best not wallow in our grief.”

The joke being that — oh, we’ll hang the code when we like you, but when you’re kind of a dick and you tried to kill us in the past — meh, you’re on your own.

“The best news is, you’re back. And made it out, free and clear.”

Colin:

Is that the Pearl? That’s a different wheel from the one it had in the first movie. I know, cause he spent all that time caressing it.

“The fuu—ck?”

“I’ll handle this, mate.”

“Oy… fish face!”

“Lose something?”

“Hey – scungili!”

“DAYUMM!”

Colin:

What was that line about reaction shots being the key to comedy?

Oh, right. Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“Got it!”

“Come to negotiate, eh, have you, you slimy git?”

I want to call someone a slimy git.

“I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt!”

Colin:

This needs to be in more movies. I appreciate your silliness.

“And guess what’s inside it!”

“Enough.”

Colin:

That’s awesome. The cannons come out of dudes’ mouths.

“Hard to starboard?”

“Send his beloved Pearl back to the depths.”

Colin:

Shouldn’t the people firing the cannons KNOW whether to fire or not? I mean, look at this one firing off. It’s not even CLOSE to the right direction. An order to fire should only apply to those cannons that are within 10 degrees of the correct firing angle. Otherwise, the guys on the other side of the ship may as well start firing.

Colin:

Remember in the first movie when the Black Pearl was the fastest shit ever? How it made everyone else look like shit? Why isn’t it supernatural anymore? Why doesn’t it still have an aura of black clouds? That can’t have all been the curse.

“Let them taste the triple guns.”

Colin:

These are gattling cannons. You can’t have gattling cannons. They don’t load that fast. There’s no way.

NOT THE DIREC-TV!

Did he seriously just grab the wheel to evade a single cannonball? Can you really navigate a ship of that size with that precision that quickly?

“She’s falling behind!”

“Aye, we’ve got her.”

Yeah… about that…

“We’re the faster?”

“Against the wind, the Dutchman beats us, that’s how she takes her prey. But with the wind…”

Colin:

They did outrun her, then. Aha. A strategem.

“Break off pursuit, run alight and douse canvas.”

“We’re giving up, sir?”

“They’re giving up!”

“My father is on that ship. If we can outrun her, we can take her. We should turn and fight.”

Colin:

He’s just a little bit correct. Naval history favors the faster ship, and if they’re close enough to the Dutchman, they won’t summon the Kraken. Still, that’d mean turning into the wind as the Dutchman’s with the wind, which negates the speed advantage until you re-maneuver…the whole thing’s fucked now.

“Why fight when you can negotiate?”

“All one needs is the proper leverage.”

“Where is it? Where is the thump thump?”

“We must have hit the reef!”

That’s no moon.

That reef is about to fuck y’alls day up.

Might as well be a Christopher Reef.

“No… it’s not a reef!”

“What is it?”

“The Kraken.”

Colin:

Here comes the Kraken, though. So Davy Jones doesn’t know about the heart? He assumes it’s cool?

Get it? Christopher Reef?

Kraken their backs!

Pretty crazy how he can just slip away unnoticed like that and no one pays any attention.

And also how they just listen to Orlando Bloom because he says shit with conviction.

Colin:

So this is why, plot-wise, Norrington had to run away with the chest and be left on the island, rather than just throwing the chest at Jones’ dudes and being Kraken’ed with everyone else.

Colin:

Lookin’ for some sucky sucky?

What do we get for ten souls?

The Kraken:

Everything you want.

(That would actually be way funnier if it were a conversation with Tia Dalma. Because she actually would say it like, “Everyting you want.”)

Holy shit, Keira looks like Lindsay Lohan on a bender right now.

Or… Lindsay Lohan.

“Hold…”

“I think we’re held fire long enough.”

Colin:

They have held fire long enough. Now you’re just holding too long.

This is why we need that black guy. He’d be the first one to go, “Too long!” and fire a cannon into its organ sac.

“OPTIMUS!”

Shots.

Colin:

Although, still…movies like to show creatures shrugging shit off, like when you cut them up for blast off one of their limbs. And the rationale is that it’s a big creature, so the damage isn’t that much in comparison. But you could break my pinky finger, and I’m pretty much done fighting. At least, if I’m the aggressor.

She wanna get fucked.

Colin:

Japan got the Olympics for 2020, you guys! WOOOOOOO

“We have to get off the ship.”

“There’s no boats.”

Well that boat’s no good.

“Whatever you do, don’t miss.”

“As soon as you’re clear.”

Colin:

Wait, they’re gonna blow up the Pearl? You’ll receive the Order of Lenin for this, Mr. Turner.

I don’t know… the way he waits to order fire, he might need to… quit Stalin.

“We are short stocked on gunpowder. Six barrels.”

French guy.

“There’s only half a dozen kegs of powder.”

“Then load the rum.”

Colin:

You kinda have to stop for a second and think about how much this franchise romanticizes drinking. They all get dead silent at the thought of parting with their rum. It’s like…sobriety or death? And that’s a legitimate question for them.

He said “think about” and I say “admire.”

“Aye, the rum too!”

Look how painful that was for him.

I understand.

The best is, in this shot, you hear some background guy shout, “Oh my god!” the way you’d hear that in the background of 9/11 or something.

And he’s right.

Seriously, though — these shots.

That water is pregnant.

This motherfucker is GONE.

Colin:

I love this shot. Whenever water is shot so that it sort of looks like you’re looking uphill…that’s a great shot.

“You coward.”

Colin:

Jack’s a wuss. A smart wuss.

Colin:

Look at his dwarfy little fingers!

He’s got the fat, sausage fingers.

Japan.

Colin:

This happened to the building next to mine.

The wet sound this makes is really something else.

Look at this shot out of context.

Why are you stopping?

Gonna go back for the rum?

Colin:

This is him being curious about the right thing. I like that he pulls out the compass to check. This is him dealing with his shit internally without even having to make a lot of faces.

I think this is a good time to let go.

I LOVE this shot.

That would be me. Firing a pistol into a kraken.

Colin:

Someday I’m gonna make a movie where someone yells like this during the final battle and Optimus Prime just shows up out of nowhere.

Colin:

So what, they get it to grab the bomb and then shoot the bomb?

Remember Octopussy? Just like that.

Did he teach you how to shoot a gun too? Because this might not end well.

I like this shot though.

This face.

Colin:

This would have been so much better if she’d made the sound Billie Dee Williams made when the sarlacc grabbed his leg.

Or the noise she made when they put on the corset.

And then a kraken shows up and drags Elizabeth into a ship vagina.

Colin:

That doesn’t appear to be her. But Japan is getting off SO much right now.

This is the shot.

You’re welcome, Japan.

She must be getting crazy splinters right now.

Colin:

She got saved. They just made up for all their other shit. Remember that time you were gonna be tentacle rape-murdered? Well, we took care of that, so I guess we’re square.

Time to go get that gun back.

That’s a deliberate lens flare, but I don’t care. That’s a great shot. I mean, they want it to be great, so I’m not falling over myself to jerk off right now, but it’s still a great shot.

Did she just ejaculate?

“Jack Sparrow, you’re so… righteous!”

Colin:

Holy shit. That’s exactly what that is.

Colin:

SHOOT THE GIANT NUTSACK

Isn’t it great how coincidentally long his leg got caught for?

Or that it got caught at all?

Seriously, why is she still like that?

Colin:

That bullet. That’s some Resident Evil shit right there. Like, as it goes by, you see the word “Umbrella” written on the musket ball.

Um-brella.

More like Davy Jones’s… Hurt Locker.

Colin:

I can only dream about how good that must smell.

Colin:

YES! IT LEFT YOU SOME TO EAT!

“Did we kill it?”

“No. We just made it angry.”

Colin:

That’s the equivalent of taking off entire limbs. You take off my arm, I’ll be angry. But the fight will also be over.

“Abandon ship. Into the longboat.”

Wait, I thought what you wanted most was the Pearl. Why are you abandoning it? You didn’t need to come back at all, then.

“Jack – the Pearl!”

“She’s only a ship, mate.”

Colin:

Not anymore.

“He’s right, we have to head for land.”

“It’s a lot of open water.”

Isn’t it weird when they say something that makes sense?

“Abandon ship. Abandon ship or abandon hope.”

Colin:

Interesting how literally the only crew left are our main group.

Dead guy on a cannon.

“Thank you, Jack.”

“We’re not free yet, love.”

“You came back. I always knew you were a good man.”

Colin:

This is why I don’t get credit for shit. I don’t leave. In order to get the girl to show gratitude for your coming back, you have to leave first.

That’s cold blooded, right there.

Colin:

OH YOU EVIL BITCH

“It’s after you, not the ship. It’s not us. This is the only way, don’t you see?”

“I’m not sorry.”

Colin:

I love that he can smile through this. If he were upset, it’d be awful. But he’s smiling. “I’m not sorry.” “Bitch, you think I don’t know what this is? You learnin’. I’m proud of you.”

“Pirate.”

That’s a perfect line. Succinct, says everything you need to know, and you get it. It says it all.

Colin:

“….I’m proud of you, but I still gotta get the fuck outta here.”

“Where’s Jack?”

“He elected to stay behind to give us a chance.”

Colin:

Like they wouldn’t go back up and check? Like he wouldn’t yell down to them? If he wasn’t just going to go along with her bullshit.

At least she didn’t say he “fell behind.” Then it’s like, “Bitch… he’s right up there!”

Look at this water.

This exists.

Hardly one body in there!

(Well… actually… there are lots of bodies in there.)

(And a giant squid. Aside from the color, it’s just like Brooklyn!)

Colin:

Clever. Oil. Slip out them cuffs. Don’t think that’d work usually, but it’s worth a shot.

Hey… hey guys… guess what that is?

You guys ever see that movie Teeth?

Colin:

Look guys, a sea vagina.

Colin:

…it doesn’t get more ‘Japan’ than this moment.

“Not so bad.”

“Oh!”

Colin:

“Got my ~~helmet~~ hat back!”

“Hello, beastie.”

Colin:

That…that’s some teeth.

What a fucking brilliant exit. Can you think of a more perfect exit for Captain Jack Sparrow?

As dumb as they handle this character after the first film, this exit is amazing.

“Jack Sparrow – our debt is settled.”

I like that he’s not entirely happy about that.

“The captain goes down with his ship.”

“Turns out not even Jack Sparrow can best the devil.”

“Open the chest.”

“Damn you Jack Sparrow!”

Colin:

No heart in his chest. It’s funny, cause ‘chest’ is used two ways.

“The last of our ships has returned.”

“Is there any news on the chest?”

Colin:

Looks like a salad out his window.

“None. But one of the ships did pick up a man adrift at sea. He had these.”

“I took the liberty of filling in my name.”

“If you intend to claim these, then you must have something to trade. Do you have the compass?”

“Better.”

“The heart of Davy Jones.”

Well maybe we didn’t need the dialogue. Maybe the word “better” will have sufficed as a cliffhanger.

Oh, right, that’s not the last shot. Never mind. It’s fine.

Still… a little expositional.

Colin:

Norrington did have the heart and now Beckett has it. Which means that in the next movie, the East India Company’s gonna be wildin’. But it seems to me that he’s just giving the heart over and getting his life back. Why stop there? Why not get Beckett’s job? You’ve got the HEART OF DAVY JONES. You can do some shit with that.

Apocalypse Now.

Colin:

Aw, are these black people crying for Jack? I hope black people cry for me when my time comes.

Colin:

What the hell is this? It’s getting a little Beasts of the Southern Weird.

Colin:

Are they having Jack’s wake or something?

“Against the cold, and the sorrow.”

Colin:

I don’t think I wanna drink whatever she’s serving. And it doesn’t look cold.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that Disney chicks will drink and eat anything given to them.

“It’s a shame. I know you’re thinking that with the Pearl, you could have captured the devil and set free your father’s soul.”

“It doesn’t matter now. The Pearl’s gone. Along with its captain.”

So… that was really your plan? “Well, the ship’s gone, and Jack’s gone… that’s all I got.” One, you didn’t really need Jack, did you? And two — do you still really think this is a plausible goal? How fucking stupid are you? Just go bang this chick. He abandoned you, remember?

“And already the world seems a bit less bright.”

It’s nighttime.

“He fooled us all, right til the end. But I guess that honest streak finally won out.”

Colin:

And Keira’s a little too sad.

“To Jack Sparrow!”

Colin:

To toast. I love toast.

Nobody toast to me when I’m dead.

Or alive.

Nobody toast to me ever.

Because if you’re toasting, you’re not drinking. Toasting puts the drink further away from your mouth. Which is where a drink should never be.

“Never another like Captain Jack.”

“He was a gentleman of fortune, he was.”

Colin:

I also wish to be referred to one day as a ‘gentleman of fortune.’

I want to be referred to as an anything “of fortune.”

“He was a good man.”

Colin:

I can take or leave this one.

One of them should say, “That motherfucker owed me money.”

Doesn’t say shit. Just drinks.

It works on one level — since he hated the prick for fucking him over and making out with his woman, and on the other — booze.

“If there was anything could be done to bring him back…”

“Would you do it?”

You jumped up at that one a little too quickly.

“What would you?”

“What would any of you be willing to do?”

How about you lead with this before they started crying?

“Would you sail to the ends of the earth and beyond to fetch back witty Jack and him precious Pearl?”

Colin:

His. Possessive pronoun, not nominative.

“Aye.”

‘Yes.”

NO THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE DOING NOW GODDAMNIT YOU FUCKED IT UP KEIRA.

Colin:

“No, no, no, Keira, we’re all saying ‘aye.’”

But I guess it’s… aye time that someone changed it up.

“Aye.”

“All right. But if you go’n brave the weird, and haunted shores at world’s end, then you will need a captain who knows those waters.”

Colin:

This whole idea came up pretty suddenly, so it didn’t feel planned. But now she’s like, “You’re gonna need a captain.” And then randomly, a dude starts walking down the stairs. Like he was waiting up there the whole time.

What would have happened if they all said no?

Would he have just sat up there, probably furiously masturbating?