Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Part II — “‘I’m Doing Reasonably Well, As Facial Hair Goes’”

Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Part II — “‘I’m Doing Reasonably Well, As Facial Hair Goes'”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start At World’s End. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the second part of At World’s End:

We begin Part II with a captain fight.

Rush gives orders.

Depp shouts the same orders.

“What are you doing?”

“No, what ARE you doing?”

“What are YOU doing?”

Colin:

Barbossa’s inflection is off. Depp has it right. “What are YOU doing?”

“No, what ARE you doing?”

“What are you doing? The captain gives orders on this ship.”

“The captain of this ship is giving orders.”

“My ship, makes me captain.”

“They be my charts.”

“That makes you chart man.”

Colin:

Making a play for my favorite line so far. Along with “Rock.”

“Stow it! The both of you! That’s an order! Understand?!”

“Sorry. I just thought, with the captain issue in doubt, I’d throw in my name for consideration.”

Colin:

Hahaha he thought he was a big kid.

“I’d vote for ya.”

“Yeah?”

Colin:

Penis joke.

Colin:

Oh, he got a nice high school ring.

Think he ever forgets he’s mortal now? Running into cannon fire like a boss and then being like, “Oh shit, that could hurt me?” Nah, he just does it anyway, doesn’t he?

“You left Jack to the Kraken.”

Colin:

Is this gonna be where they finally make up? I thought he’d be cool with it. All this time, he was trying to figure out why she was so emotional about Jack, and now he finds out it’s because she sent him to his death. If I were him, I’d be TOTALLY cool with that. I’d probably make me want her more.

“He’s rescued now, it’s done with.”

That is true. It’s not murder if you can bring them back.

Colin:

I don’t think so. The act itself still counts. If there’s a chance he wasn’t coming back, it counts. He still had to experience being fucking eaten by the Kraken.

“Will, I had no choice.”

“You chose not to tell me.”

Please kill him.

Colin:

Oh WAAAHHHHH

“It wasn’t your burden to bear.”

“Well I did bear it, didn’t I? I just didn’t know what it was. I thought –”

“You thought I loved him.”

Yeah… this isn’t the first movie anymore. Enough with these scenes. We don’t care about you two anymore. You’re already together.

Colin:

They gotta be together and then in danger of not being. Cause that’s whats supposedly going to keep us interested. Yawn. How about you all go find the Kraken, which, according to logic, should ALSO have been sent to Davy Jones’ Locker. I bet it’d listen to you now. Although, I guess they don’t know it’s dead yet. But once they do? How would you not immediately sail back to the Locker and GET IT? I’d watch THAT.

Rape.

She don’t mind.

”If you make your choices alone, how can I trust you?”

Uhh… aren’t you about to go try to kill Davy Jones for your father?

I like these kinds of close-ups. I like studying the lighting.

It also helps that the person being lit is Keira Knightley.

Oh, she also says “you can’t.”

I like when ropes are bannisters.

This is my “aircraft taking off at sunset.”

Colin:

Shot.

Is that figurehead taking a selfie?

Colin:

Dead things. Dead faces in the water.

“Eerie. That’s downright macabery.”

Doo doo cloud.

Colin:

Are those all the dudes who died at sea? Or just the ones Davy Jones killed? Can he come here at will?

“I wonder what would happen if you dropped a cannonball on one of them.”

This is the type of shit I’d say.

Maybe I’m the comic relief of life.

Cuts.

“They should be in the care of Davy Jones. That was the duty he was charged with by the goddess Calypso.”

Probably could have left it with “charged with.” We’d have gone for it.

Colin:

Oh, so he’s supposed to be the Charon of this universe?

“To ferry those who die at sea to the other side.”

“And every ten years, him could come ashore, to be with she who love him.”

Well that’s not obvious.

“But the man has become a monster.”

“So… he wasn’t always…”

Wow, it’s like they already did that one.

Colin:

He wasn’t always…Zoidberg?

“No… him was a man.”

Not obvious at all.

Colin:

Oh, wait. She’s Calypso. That’s what this is. Who else could she be? She’s got voodoo powers, she has the same heart necklace, and she’s getting all wet thinking about the way Davy Jones used to be. It’s her. No reveal needed.

Tom Cruise/This Franchise:

What could BE more necessary?

“Now there’s boat’s coming.”

You’ve been learning from Orlando, haven’t you?

Colin:

People in boats? They headed out.

The figurehead is waving to them.

“It’s best just let them be.”

Why? Are they gonna attack you, fish zombie style? Or are you just showing a sense of decency because it would be fucked up to taunt the dead and throw things at them?

Colin:

…come play with us? For ever and ever and ever?

Look at that douchebag with the scepter.

He had it coming.

Uh oh.

Colin:

Oh shit, that’s the governor. That’s FUCKED UP.

“It’s my father, we’ve made it back!”

She’s way too excited for someone who has previously shown a whole lot of sense.

Never once does she think, “Hey, why is my father sitting in a boat amidst all these other people in boats, floating atop a bunch of dead bodies moving in perfect synchronicity?”

Colin:

Sea turtles.

“Elizabeth – we’re not back.”

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

“Elizabeth – are you dead?”

“A just question, my liege.”

“I think I am.”

Dive overboard and see.

“No… you can’t be.”

Reaction shots.

“There was this chest, you see.”

Colin:

It’s how calm he is about the whole thing. That’s always what gets me about the recently deceased as portrayed in movies. I’d either be freaking out or masturbating or trying to rekill my dead self to try and undo it (or all three simultaneously), but so many ghosts in movies are so chill about it. Duggory and all those people.

“At the time, it seemed so important.”

Welcome to everything we’ve ever done, ever.

“Come aboard.”

“And a heart. I learned that if you stab the heart, yours must take its place.”

Look at her, sneaking into the frame like Prince.

“And you will sail the seas for eternity. The Dutchman must have a captain.”

colin:

Barbossa touches his mustache. “I’m doing reasonably well, as facial hair goes.”

Colin:

“Yeah, it is pretty good, isn’t it? Jack’s got his weird, twin-pronged goatee going. I think I made the right choice with the more conventional approach. Right?”

Colin:

“No, definitely. Jack looks like a tool. And everyone knows I look baller.”

Seriously, people — plan your whole shots carefully because I’m looking at whatever’s in the background.

“Silly thing to die for.”

Colin:

He learned some shit, they killed him. And that’s what he learned? Oh, so if Will had stabbed the heart, he’d have been the captain of the Flying Dutchman, stuck there. So he should be thanking Jack right now.

“Cast a line!”

Sure… tell the midget. That’ll amount to something.

Also, she looks like she just got out of a Kurosawa movie.

See what I mean? You have to do it yourself.

“A touch of destiny.”

And that, ladies and gentleman, was today’s Dick in the Ass subtle moment. Brought to you by Astroglide.

Good job. You almost hit him with the rope.

Colin:

This is like a Hitchcock double whammy. Lifeboat and Rope all in one shot. I love both of those. I think I like Rope way more than the average person who’s seen it. It’s pretty high up my Hitchcock list. You might say it’s one of my favorite Hitchcockpieces.

“Take the line.”

“I’m so proud of you, Elizabeth.”

That line really is the universal “I’ve given up” line, isn’t it?

Colin:

Pryce isn’t taking the line? He’s just ready to go? They got Jack out, so presumably he could been taken on too.

“OPTIMUS!”

“She must not leave the ship!”

I like how they’ve been humoring her this long. But now that she could leave the ship, shit just got real.

“I’ll give your love to your mother, shall I?”

Colin:

Oh shit, he’s gonna say hi to Mom. Damn. This is kinda intense.

Colin:

Why is he so ready to go? Has he seen where he’s going? What do they have there that makes him so set to abandon any chance of returning? Is it free HBO? I bet it’s free HBO.

Unlimited wigs.

Remember when you two were on weird terms like five minutes ago.

“Is there a way?”

“Him at peace.”

Those are some Chien Anadalou clouds.

“No water. Why is all but the rum gone?”

“The rum’s gone too.”

Colin:

I was gonna slap him for being ungrateful, but apparently the rum’s gone too.

Cloudy bottle, though.

How come none of you fuckers are sick from the extreme temperature changes?

I like how she’s just hanging around him in the hopes that he gets the fucking hint to stop this shit he’s trying to do.

“If we cannot escape these doldrums before night, I fear we will sail on trackless seas, doomed to roam the reach between worlds forever.”

Nice shot.

Love this shot too. Just because we got it.

You know he poses like this on purpose because he knows it looks cool.

I want things like that. Maps, or whatever.

Colin:

Up is down. That helps.

“Well that’s just maddeningly unhelpful. Why are these things never clear?”

And this is where these films officially jump the shark.

It’s one thing to lessen the Sparrow character from the first film, but to show this completely ruins it. I don’t want to know how he thinks, I just want to see him do it.

“Stab the heart.”

Colin:

Surreal Jack shit is back! Yes!

“Don’t stab the heart.”

“The Dutchman must have a captain.”

“Well that’s even more than less than unhelpful.”

Basically they Faust argue about shit. I have stopped listening. This is not Jack Sparrow.

Colin:

“What about port?” “I prefer rum. Rum’s good.” THIS EXCHANGE.

“Not sunset – sundown.”

Colin:

I’m loving him just being all Beautiful Mindy.

(I want to add as a note that the more I’ve thought about it, the less I like this and the upcoming scene with him in the brig on the Dutchman. I still love the original scene when we first get to him in the Locker, but this is much stupider than that, and can’t even be justified as being part of his punishment or damnation or whatever. So on my first watch-through, I was kinda cool with this scene. The more I think about it, the more it seems like bullshit. But I’ll get into that during Final Thoughts.)

“And rise.”

“What’s that?”

“What is that?”

See what I mean? Wouldn’t it be better if we had no idea what he was doing until it worked?

Colin:

Yup. And that’s what convinced me on this point.

I will never object to random closeups of Keira Knightley.

Ever.

Looks like those balls… have found their bearings.

Colin:

He’s running back and forth? What are they trying to capsize the ship?

That’s hardly sanitary.

”He’s rocking the ship.”

“We’re rocking the ship!”

Colin:

Yup, that appears to be the plan. Not sure if it’s a good plan.

“Aye. He’s onto it.”

“We’ll tie each other to the mast, upside down, so when the boat flips, we’ll be right way up.”

Yes… loose the cannons. You won’t need those any time in the future.

Colin:

How are these cannons not just falling through the side of the hull?

How’d you get yourselves tied up there so quickly and so successfully?

Love me some upside down shots.

And overheads.

And this angle.

How awesome would it be to be on a ship like this?

Not… upside down, just… old timey and wooden.

I mean, it’d be unsafe as shit, but it’d have character.

This would be a fun ride.

Always the Chinese people, never someone we know. It’s the Gentry rule*.

(* The Gentry Rule stems from me watching Major League as a kid. And they do that whole round of cuts, and all the guys are worried about whether or not they’re gonna make the team — meanwhile they’re our main characters. And of course they all make it, but the one person we see do get cut is this random dude named Gentry, who we’ve never seen before and will never see again. And it always stuck with me, how they just did that. Tried to build suspense about whether Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes and Tom Berenger would get cut and thought that by showing some rando get cut, it’d somehow make them more likely to be cut. And for some reason the name Gentry always stayed with me. Kind of like that random player name in The Naked Gun — “Krishone… Krishone.” When the announcer says the name twice. But yeah, that’s why I call it the Gentry rule. Always the randos and never the main characters.)

There goes another Gentry.

Colin:

This…doesn’t work.

Love this cinematography.

Colin:

That’s great. They’re all just chilling out, looking around, running out of air. What if he wasn’t onto anything and he just killed them all?

What if they were bringing the Kraken out?

Colin:

Cool effects, though. Some cool effects to be sure.

FYI: Both this and Transformers lost the Visual Effects Oscar to Academy Award Winner The Golden Compass.

Gatsby.

They said the flash of green is for when a soul comes back from the dead.

So shouldn’t it be flashing a bunch of times right now?

Can it give people seizures?

Because that would be funny.

Wouldn’t all that water pressure destroy the ship? Or are we completely in the realm of the fantastical right now?

Does this mean the rum is back?

Also weird how there weren’t any sharks in the water in purgatory.

So the monkey… still undead?

Well now don’t you feel like assholes?

THIS FUCKING SHOT

This one too.

They’re just giving him all the badass poses.

I love this scene. They all realize they’re alive and immediately start scheming against one another again.

Colin:

Asian dude in a conquistador helmet.

I like this. Like, “You’d pull a gun against me? Oh, you motherfucker…”

Colin:

Why’s everyone trying to kill everyone else? And aren’t their guns all waterlogged?

Colin:

The monkey’s gonna shoot the parrot. Ahahaha I can’t. And it says “Parley.”

Nice shot.

Of course he laughs. He’s Barbossa.

“All right, then!”

LOVE this moment. No dialogue. Guns, laughs, guns.

“The Brethren Court is a-gathering at Shipwreck Cove. And Jack, you and I are going, and there’ll be no arguing that point.”

“I is arguing the point. If there’s piracy gathering, I’m pointing my ship the other way.”

Which is interesting. Since it’s almost like he just said, “Yeah, they won, so I will accept that.

“The pirates are gathering to fight Beckett and you’re a pirate.”

Logic.

“Fight or not, you’re not running, Jack.”

Isn’t it weird how she’s the one saying, “Seriously, don’t be a bitch”?

“If we don’t stand together, they’ll hunt us down, one by one, until there be none left, but you.”

“Quite like the sound of that. Captain Jack Sparrow – The Last Pirate.”

Good subtitle for the final film in the franchise.

“Aye, and you’ll be fighting Jones alone. How does that figure into your plan?”

Colin:

Why can’t they all just work together on this shit? He should go fight with the other pirates first and THEN backstab them. Get rid of Beckett and then use your good standing with them as an advantage.

“Still figuring that. But I will not be going back to the Locker, mate.”

Again, why is he telling them directly what he’s thinking. “I’m not engaging in piracy with pirates;” “I still haven’t figured out how I’m gonna deal with Jones, but I’ll figure it out.” Doesn’t he cloud all this with doublespeak until he figures it out?

“Wet powder.”

Colin:

Wet powder. Called it. How didn’t they see that coming?

“I was gonna fuck him up.”

“We can still use ‘em as clubs!”

Back to the drawing board.

“There’s a freshwater spring on this island. We can resupply there, and go back to shooting each other later.”

And you know this… how?

Are you Chart Man?

“You lead the shore party, and I’ll stay with my ship.”

“I’ll not be leaving my ship in your command.”

“Why don’t you both go ashore, and leave the ship in my command?”

“Temporarily.”

Colin:

They’re both going ashore and getting water for everyone? Not the cannibal island, I hope.

Geoffrey Rush does not engage in Cannibullshit.

Colin:

Penis joke. Big, black, floppy penis joke.

I like how this has become a random visual motif.

Colin:

They had to repeat this joke of them getting fucked up by waves.

And once again, things that we have differing opinions about. It’s good when that happens.

I like it as a visual motif, because it’s so random, but for them as characters it’s stupid as hell.

That’s basically this franchise in a nutshell at this point.

Colin:

Kraken? Damn. I thought it’d be bigger.

Weird how they just dumped it here. Why not let it stay in the ocean?

Colin:

Japan.

Why climb on top of it, again?

Also… goodbye, Beastie.

They should have weddings on top of that.

You thin Hagrid would’ve had a kraken?

“Still thinking of running, Jack? Think you can outrun the world?”

“You know the problem with being the last of anything – by and by, there be none left at all.”

Like Matsumoto.

“Sometimes things come back, mate. We’re living proof, you and me.”

This was going so well, until it became self-aware.

Also, this conversation works better without Depp acknowledging his plan earlier. Just have Barbossa know and wait until they can talk like friends to say it.

“Aye, but that’s a gamble of long odds, ain’t it? There’s never a guarantee of coming back. Passing on, that’s dead certain.”

“Summoning the Brethren Court then, is it?”

“It’s our only hope, lad.”

“That’s a sad commentary, even of itself.”

Colin:

So seeing this has made Jack come around. They’re gonna go. Interesting.

What if you just saw the rest of the crew cooking up some kraken on a spit in the background?

“The world used to be a bigger place.”

Colin:

They’re riding around on ships that take forever to get anywhere and complaining how small the world is. I have to fly from Tokyo to Connecticut several times a year, and I can tell you that almost 300 years later, the world can still stand to lose a few.

“The world’s still the same. There’s just less in it.”

Colin:

I still wanna know how Davy Jones killed the Kraken. They should take its eye or something. Maybe it has magical properties.

It’s probably a delicacy in China.

Because you know it is.

Well that water doesn’t look very fresh.

Now there’s a shot.

“Poison. Foul by the body.”

Colin:

That’s the stake that Chow Yun Fat was gonna kill Will with, no?

And is that the dude the East India Company planted in the bathhouse?

“He was in Singapore.”

Nice use of silhouettes.

“We got company!”

NICE SHOT.

Colin:

Oh, that’s why I was surprised that shifty motherfuckers could be bought. They turned on him in a second. Fuck these guys.

Even the bayonet.

“He’s the captain.”

Colin:

Not good. Now you got hundreds of Asian dudes taking over your ship.

Look at this fucking guy.

Sao Feng.

“Jack Sparrow…”

“You paid me great insult once.”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”

Holy shit!

Colin:

That looked like some Five Point Palm Exploding Nose Technique. He learned that shit on Wudan Mountain.

“Shall we just call it square, then?”

“Release her. She’s not part of the bargain.”

“What bargain be that?”

“You heard Captain Turner. Release her.”

“Captain Turner?”

Colin:

Will’s a backstabber, which we know from when he and Chow Yun Fat talked earlier.

“I need the Pearl to free my father. That’s the only reason I came on this voyage.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were planning this?”

Colin:

Ahahaha I’m actually glad that Keira gets pissed about this. How dat taste, Sweetness?

“It was my burden to bear.”

She just got slapped in the face with her own words.

“He needs the Pearl. Captain Turner needs the Pearl.”

“And you felt guilty.”

“And you and your Brethren Court.”

“Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?”

“I’m standing over there with them.”

Colin:

These are the cool guys. They like me.

“I‘m sorry, Jack. But there is an old friend who wants to see you first.”

“I’m not certain I can survive any more visits from old friends.”

“Here is your chance to find out.”

Colin:

They’re giving him up to Beckett?

I like how Beckett has deals going with all of these people at once.

Nice that he can just waltz in there like, “I got this.

“Curious. Your friends appear to be quite desperate, Jack.”

Colin:

That table with that globe. I need all of those things. Those things will all be in my secret room that I’ll bring people to. Holy fuck, I want that.

“Perhaps they no longer believe that a gathering of squabbling pirates can defeat the Flying Dutchman.”

“And so despair leads to betrayal.”

That’s great. He doesn’t give a fuck what he’s saying. He’s gonna look around for shit to take.

Colin:

Yes. Let him monologue. Snatch and run. During all of this shit that has nothing really to do with piracy, he still takes a moment to be all, “Oooh, shiny.”

“But you and I are no strangers to betrayal.”

Colin:

Beckett’s just talking and talking.

“Are we?”

“It’s not here, Jack.”

Colin:

Don’t tell me he was only looking for the heart. I want him to have been genuinely interested in plunder. Otherwise they’re not really pirates. Just good guys who happen to fly the Jolly Roger.

“It’s safely aboard the Dutchman, and so unavailable for use as leverage for you to satisfy your debt to the good captain.”

“By my reckoning, that account has been settled.”

“By your death?”

“And yet here you are.”

“Close your eyes and pretend it’s all a bad dream. That’s how I get by.”

“And if Davy Jones were to learn of your survival?”

Shots.

Shit, even this one.

“You agreed. The Black Pearl was to be mine.”

“And so it was.”

That’s funny. We made a deal? *stomach punch*

That’s the best way to get out of any deal.

“Perhaps you’ll consider an alternative arrangement. One which requires absolutely nothing from you but information.”

Colin:

Jack used to work for Beckett. He was captain of the Black Pearl when she was an EITC ship called the Wicked Wench. And then he went pirate. I’m surprised they don’t play on that at least a little bit.

They wrote that backstory after the fact. It’s like the Star Wars novels. They don’t count.

This shot too.

“Regarding the Brethren Court, no doubt.”

Colin:

Why are you giving him a thimble of booze? Might as well start drinking it out of a long pinky fingernail.

“In exchange for fair compensation.”

Colin:

CO-RECT

“Square my debt with Jones.”

“Guarantee my freedom.”

“Of course. That’s just good business.”

“Were I in a divulgatory mood – what then might I divulge?”

“Everything.”

“Where are they meeting? Who are the pirate lords? What is the purpose of the nine pieces of eight?”

Colin:

Beckett has an appropriate interest in supernatural shit. It’s only appropriate cause this shit exists. He’s like Hitler in the Indiana Jones movies.

“Beckett agreed, the Black Pearl was to be mine.”

“Lord Beckett’s not gonna give up the only ship as can outrun the Dutchman, is he?”

Colin:

Aha, so Chow Yun Fat sold out Orlando. Good. Got what was coming to him, the bastard.

“Shame they’re not bound to honor the code of the Brethren, isn’t it? Because honor’s a hard thing to come by nowadays.”

Colin:

Everyone’s just backstabbing everyone else at such a pace it’s hard to care.

“There is no honor to remaining with the losing side. Leaving it for the winning side is just good business.”

Can we talk about the words “good business” and how much I dislike them?

“The losing side, you say?”

“They have the Dutchman. And now the Pearl. What do the Brethren have?”

Rum?

“We have Calypso.”

“The Goddess herself bound in human form.”

Colin:

They start talking about Calypso and don’t immediately cut to Naomi Harris. So that’s good. But they already made it painfully obvious that it’s her a few scenes back. Keep in mind, this is the first time I’ve ever seen this movie.