Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Part III — “Waxy Chandelier and the Temp Hos”
Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start At World’s End. Part III.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the third part of At World’s End:
We begin Part III pretty much right where we left Part II.
Makes you wonder why they had the full-on fade out.
Nice way to open back up, though.
Colin:
That’s why I’d do the full-on fade out. Nice openings. If it’s good enough for Lord of the Rings, it’s good enough for me.
He’s got more bitches!
Colin:
These are from the temp agency, most likely. And you don’t just make do with temp agency hos. They’ll pull your steam cord and blow your moan pole, but when push comes to shove, they’re not laying their lives down for anyone. They know why they’re here in the first place. I bet they’re just filling in til he can bring up some real female attendants from his reserves.
Colin:
Asian-y music.
I like the rounded doorway.
Colin:
Is this gonna be the scene where he tries to fuck Keira?
Colin:
See? Look at this. That’s a temp ho.
There is a remote possibility that her name is actually something like “Temp Ho.”
Colin:
See? One bows more deeply than the other. They don’t have their shit in sync. This is what happens when both your girls get shot the same night. You can call the agency on short notice, but there’s no guarantee the products are gonna match.
That’s how you do it. Double clap, bitches leave.
Colin:
Clap, clap, Asian bitches.
Sometimes I clap at Asian girls. Japanese girls mostly get confused, but they might react in some way that isn’t disgust. And then I pretend that whatever they did was what I had commanded.
Where does one keep their temp hos on a ship like this?
“By this time tomorrow, we will arrive at Shipwreck Cove, and you will be free, Calypso.”
Colin:
Ah. He thinks she’s Calypso. Cause she’s the hot one. If we’re thinking goddesses…between her and Naomi Harris (in this franchise)…yeah.
Pretty sure it’s Keira all the time between those two.
Also — “By this time tomorrow, we will arrive at Shipwreck Cove, and you… shall be dead.”
“Excuse me?”
Well that’s disgusting.
Colin:
#AsianTreeStar
Does that make the cannonball Sharptooth?
He explains that the first Brethren Court bound her in human form (how, exactly?), which is something he’d have opposed. So the rule of the seas would belong to men and not –
“To me.”
“But one such as you should never be anything less than what you are.”
Colin:
He’s buying whatever she’s selling. Oh, I like this.
I like that she’s going along and selling it.
“Pretty speech for a captor. But words whispered through prison bars do lose their charm.”
Colin:
Now this is getting poetic. That’s like Shakespeare Lite. “But words whispered through prison bars lose their charm.” Prison’s the place to be, baby. Don’t you remember your King Lear? “…and we’ll wear out, in a wall’d prison, packs and sects of great ones, that ebb and flow by the moon.”
Don’t nobody tell me that just cause we make dick jokes this is an uneducated blog.
“I cannot be blamed for my efforts. All men are drawn to the sea, perilous though, as it may be.”
“And some men offer desire as justification for their crimes.”
He’s offering her his desire. And in return, he wants her “gifts,” should she choose to give them.
“And if I should choose not?”
I don’t even need to explain. The rape eyes are doing it for me.
Colin:
Oh, dis boutta get rapey. With good actors and creepy guys, you just know.
He just put his nose in her eye.
CANNONBALL OUTTA NOWHERE!
Colin:
SURPRISE CANNONBALL
The Keira scream face is back.
Coin:
This is the moment you need to keep it together. Cause if somehow that was an isolated incident, she’d have gotten to be all, “See what happens when you get rapey?” Always take a minute when shit goes down to see if you can use it to your advantage.
Holy shit, he tally hos into frame and rips a dude’s head off.
Colin:
When a goon makes you die with a bite to the eye…that’s a moray.
He’s… fine.
Colin:
That’s a lot of ship through his chest. In fact, I’m wondering how he wasn’t dead instantly. Hollywood works in mysterious ways.
“Oh, Bubba, nooo.”
He offers her his piece of eight.
“With all nine pieces of eight, you will be free.”
“You are captain now.”
Colin:
Ah, so we get what the pieces do. He gets to go out thinking he helped her, and she gets to be captain of this ship now.
“Me?”
“Go in my place to Shipwreck Cove..”
“Forgive me, Calypso.”
It’s pretty fucked up that he dies thinking she’s a sea goddess and she doesn’t say shit to him.
Though, I guess it might be worse if he was dying and she was like, “Yeah, you see…”
Also, isn’t it funny how she’s now captain and they don’t have to go rescue him, but Depp needed to get rescuing because he was still a pirate lord?
She literally just became a pirate lord out of nowhere by sheer virtue of being in the right place at the right time.
“What did he tell you?”
Wipe yourself off. You’re dead.
“He made me captain.”
Colin:
He doesn’t look pleased she’s captain.
Oh yeah.
Colin:
Annnnd…you got caught pretty fast.
“You are not my captain.”
“Elizabeth.”
Colin:
“JAMES!” GAY.
“Thank god you’re alive.”
“Your father will be overjoyed to know you’re safe.”
Colin:
How hasn’t she been raped yet? I’m not saying she should be, obviously, but if these were anything like real pirates, you know it’d happen eventually. And not like, Jack or Barbossa. Like, one of the nobody pirates whose name we don’t know. And even though he knew Will or Jack or whoever would kill him, he’d go out saying, “Worth it.”
“My father’s dead.”
Colin:
He doesn’t know Pryce is dead. He thinks Beckett was taking care of him right? And Elizabeth tells him he’s dead, Norrington figures out what Beckett did and goes back to being a good guy. Is that it?
Nah. It’s butt stuff.
“That can’t be true, he returned to England.”
Colin:
Oh, so Pryce was supposed to be on his way back to London? What’s the timeframe on this? It’s still only just like a year since the first movie, right?
Just like Twilight.
“Did Lord Beckett tell you that?”
Game. Corsets.
“Who among you do you name as captain?”
“Captain!”
Colin:
HAHAHA SHIFTY ASIAN BASTARDS
What’s funny is, that’s the exact same thing Depp did to him not twenty minutes ago.
“Captain?”
“Tow the ship. Put the prisoners in the brig.”
“The captain shall have my quarters.”
Colin:
He was more fun as a drunk. Which, now that he’s back to his normal self, not speaking his mind…I don’t see why Elizabeth isn’t like, “Cut the charade, I already know how you are without your wig on, and with a little attitude.” Like when a female friend of yours is trying to cover up, and you’re like, “C’mon, your titties are glorious and we all saw them everywhere on Sex Party night. Just let it go.”
I really hope she reads this.
“Thank you, sir. But I prefer to remain with my crew.”
“Elizabeth, I swear – I did not know.”
Is Jones still just watching this play out?
“Know what? Which side you chose?”
Colin:
Some nice light on your hair, lady.
HOLY SHIT SHE EVEN BACKS UP TOO THAT WAS AMAZING
Colin:
Dat’s harsh. “I didn’t know.” “What side you were on?” That’s like one of those, “I didn’t think…” and before they can finish, the other person goes, “You CLEARLY didn’t think at ALL.”
But better. Much better.
Colin:
But again, this is about choosing sides and shit. And again, we haven’t really seen what’s so awful about the East India Company, other than that they hang people for consorting with pirates. Which…pretty sure that’s illegal. Hanging’s a bit much, but they are still a legit company. And the pirates that are trying to “save the day”…they ARE still pirates and are only fighting to maintain free seas so they can loot civilian ships. So…it’s not as cut and dry as they’d like you to think. But then, you weren’t thinking.
Colin:
The back of that ship looks like something out of Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.
Isn’t it weird how one of those monsters was just a giant ballsack that could hold eyes?
“Bootstrap?”
Colin:
Oh right. She’s on the Dutchman, so Bill’s gonna be around. Maybe he’ll ask you to use his computer to operate the teleporter and separate him from the whack Pokemon DNA he’s fused with.
Bootstrap’s PC.
That motherfucker was so useless.
Though I guess he did get you on the boat, so…
Wait, this actually has parallels.
Guess not.
Colin:
GPOY
“Bootstrap…”
“You know my name?”
“Yes, I know your son.”
“William?”
Colin:
Oh, WHAT? It was just a few months ago! And now he’s changed WAY more than he did between joining the crew and the last film, which was like 9 years. This is bullshit.
I think it has to do with his time. Like… if you’re only in for twenty years, you’re not so much a part of the ship. But if you’re there for eternity…
“Ha ha! He made it! He’s alive! And now he sends you to tell me that he’s coming to get me.”
“Yes, Will is alive. And he wants to help you.”
This is not the same as what he said. I approve of this.
“He can’t help me. He won’t come.”
All right, then, Gollum.
“You’re his father.”
And you’re the governor’s daw-ter!
“I fucking know you. I know your family.”
(Right, though?)
“He can’t save me. He can’t save me because of you.”
No. He still can. Even though I know what you really mean.
Also, way to put down your future daughter-in-law.
Those reunions are gonna be fun.
“You’re Elizabeth.”
“Yes, I’m Elizabeth.”
“If Jones be slain, he who slays him must take his place.”
What if a stingray harpoons him in the chest?
What if he kills himself?
Seahog Day?
“Captain forever. The Dutchman must always have a captain.”
So why don’t you fucking do it Bootstrap?
Colin:
This whole thing is such bullshit. Here’s what you do. Will gets the heart, forces Davy Jones to give up Pops, and then takes the heart to Tortuga where he puts it on the floor in a bar and offers to buy 10 drinks for the first guy who can shoot it. That thing’d be gone so fucking fast your head would spin. And there’d be another captain of the Dutchman (probably a shitty drunk) and you’d have Dad AND Elizabeth. No problem.
Seriously, though — what if he had the heart, tripped and fell, and then a shark ate it?
“And if he saves me, he loses you.”
“He won’t pick me. I wouldn’t pick me.”
Colin:
I wouldn’t pick you either.
“Tell him not to come.”
I bet she does.
“Tell him to stay away. Tell him it’s too late.”
I bet she does that too.
“I’m already a part of the ship.”
Colin:
How does the ship not get clogged with all the layers of old crew members?
It’s just like painting a wall. Sometimes you need to scrape the old coats off first.
“Bootstrap…”
Isn’t it funny how he went back into the ship as soon as the exposition was done?
“You know my name.”
Colin:
Oh, he’s got the dementia now. The fuck’s wrong with him? Other than the really obvious growths all over his body.
“Yes, I know your son.”
Who’s on first?
Colin:
Wonder what his dick looks like now.
“William!”
We do this with Grandma all the time.
Yum.
I want to be able to do that to bottles all the time. That’s so much fun.
“A breadcrumb trail. And we’re meant to follow.”
“A betrayer among them? Or trap?”
“A gambit by a skilled opponent. Adjust course, leftenant.”
“Sir?”
Colin:
It’s weird how the British pronounce lieutenant as ‘leftenant.’ It’s weird how the British pronounce most things. I’ve spent ample time living abroad and working alongside native English speakers from all over the world, and I’m still convinced (and this is backed up by many non-natives I know) that although American English has the most fluid flow to it, it’s still the most easy to understand.
“We can only hope to reach our destination before they run out of bodies.”
It’s actually pretty funny that, of all the pirates in this movie, the one that most fucks over other people for their own ends is Orlando Bloom. He does almost nothing redeeming at all after that first movie.
“You escaped the brig even quicker than I expected.”
Leverage.
It’s the sea turtles of educated people.
Colin:
I don’t care who you are, that’s how you get shot.
“William – do you notice anything?”
Colin:
Seriously though, no sneaking.
I notice that’s a great place to chill.
That’d be me, sitting up on there at 1 am, listening to music.
“Rather – do you notice something that is not there to be noticed?”
“You haven’t raised an alarm.”
Do they even have alarms on these ships?
Or is it more like, “Hey, someone’s here!”
“Odd, isn’t it? Not as odd as this.”
“Come up with this all by your lonesome, did you?”
“I said to myself, ‘Think like Jack’.”
“This is what you’ve arrived at? Lead Beckett to Shipwreck Cove so as to gain his trust, accomplish your own ends? It’s like you don’t know me at all, mate.”
“And how does your dearly beloved feel about this plan?”
“Ah… you’ve not seen fit to trust her with it.”
Because why would you trust the love of your life?
“I‘m losing her, Jack. Every step I make for my father is a step away from Elizabeth.”
Colin:
A bit of advice. Run from your father.
“Mate, if you choose to love your heart away, you lose it for certain.”
That’s not a very Jack Sparrow line.
“If I might lend a machete to your intellectual thicket – void the choice altogether. Change the facts.”
“Let someone else dispatch Jones.”
Colin:
Depp had the same idea I did! Get someone else to do that shit!
“Who?”
“Shecky Greene.”
“You?”
Colin:
Ah, it’s him. This would have been better if Orlando hadn’t been Orlando. Just don’t say anything and let Depp explain. Why did we need the “you?” line there? This is the writing overstepping just a little bit, preventing this exchange from being as good as it could have been. If I ever have any influence on a film (I’m really just waiting for Mike to get famous as a screenwriter so I can be brought on as a consultant for some shit), I want to go through every line of dialogue and ask why it’s absolutely necessary. I feel like that isn’t done.
It’s not done.
And it’s disturbing.
“Death has a curious way of reshuffling one’s priorities. I slip aboard the Dutchman, find the heart, stab the beating thing, your father goes free from his debt, you’re free to go with your charming murderess.”
“And you’re willing to cut out your heart and bind yourself to the Dutchman? Forever?”
Colin:
I like that he calls her a murderess. Cause she killed him. Surprised he hasn’t decked her.
“No, mate. I’m free forever. Free to sail the seas beyond the edges of the map. Free from death itself.”
“You have to do the job, Jack. You have to ferry souls to the next world, or else end up like Jones.”
“I don’t have the face for tentacles.”
But again — it’s not like you have to do that shit 24/7. You make your own hours. Just make sure it gets done. Motherfucker, I got through college, I know how this works.
“But immortal has to count for something, eh?”
“What’s this for?”
“Think like me, it’ll come to you.”
(Which is actually a great line, considering what he gave him.)
“My regards to Davy Jones.”
Colin:
Did he just breathe Bloom over the edge? Is that how much he’s been drinking? If so, I want to stop and take a moment to commend this franchise for promoting drinking as it’s done. Not a lot of franchises do that genuinely, and there’s something to be said for it. And with that, I’ll finish this beer.
“I hate him.”
So, do you think they respect her now that she willingly got herself locked up with them? Because they’re not raping her. I feel like they’d rape her in this situation.
“Come with me.”
Colin:
As I predicted, Norrington’s there to bust them out. How about the “if you want to live?”
At this point, I’d settle for a “and you’ll be, in a world of pure imagination.”
See? He’s looking to her for what to do. I guess because she’s the one who knows him and will best be equipped to make this call. But it’s weird how quickly he goes from “you are not my captain” to listening to her. And even if I did buy into her as my captain, when she was in the cell with me, I’d go, “Well that was stupid. You could have had an entire quarters to yourself. Idiot.”
“Quickly.”
“What are you doing?”
“Choosing a side.”
So… couldn’t Norrington have just told Jones earlier, “Hey, we’re letting them go”? Since he is the one in command of the Dutchman and of the heart. So it’s not like they could do shit. He just got him to tow the ship. What, will Jones not listen if he told him to let them go? It’s his ass anyway. Does he think he’s gonna let them go and blame it on Jones and everything’ll be fine? Beckett fucking knew Elizabeth and Will had something to do with Jack breaking out. He’s gonna find out. This whole plan is flawed.
This is a cool way to escape, though.
Weird how he wakes up just to see this.
“Do not go to Shipwreck Cove. Beckett knows of the meeting of the Brethren. I fear there may be a traitor among them.”
Uhh… didn’t he know of it at the beginning? Isn’t that why he made them sing?
“It’s too late to earn my forgiveness.”
Are you fucking serious, Poppet? He just saved your ass. It’s too late to get some of that punani, but not to late to earn forgiveness.
Man, you people have some daddy issues.
“I had nothing to do with your father’s death. But that does not absolve me of my other sins.”
What were your other sins, exactly? Taking the heart and getting your life back after she helped destroy it?
“Come with us.”
AKA, “I won’t forgive you, but you can tag along anyway.”
“James, come with me.”
If he wants to live?
“Who goes there?”
“Go. I will follow.”
“You’re lying.”
Colin:
And at this moment (if not earlier), you know he’s staying and that he’ll be killed.
“Our destinies have been entwined, Elizabeth. But never joined.”
“Go now.”
Colin:
Sometimes she looks genuinely into a kiss, but most of the time, she just gets off on holding a knife to someone’s throat. Zero Dark Flirty.
Colin:
Can we take a second to acknowledge how she’s kissed every major good guy male character except Barbossa (since he’s only recently a good guy)? It’s to the point where I’m surprised she hasn’t at least given Gibbs a peck.
“Back to your station, sailor.”
“No one leaves the ship.”
Colin:
You need some serious acne cream, dude.
“Stand down.”
“Part of the crew, part of the ship.”
Colin:
Okay, Stellan’s gone all Rain Man, so all bets are off.
“All hands! Prisoner escape!”
“Belay that!”
I want to start telling people to belay things.
This is basically the “I’ll say hi to your mother” moment.
And now dive overboard. You got time.
Even though you really could just tell Jones not to do shit about this.
…and now you’ve just been stabbed.
Colin:
Shit. He dead. Could he actually be done with the franchise here? I’d be sorta sad to see him go, but at the same time, it’d make me respect them more if they had the guts to get rid of him.
“Optimus!”
(Also, she looks alarmingly like Audrey Hepburn in this shot.)
Colin:
But really, though. You ain’t lying. I’m also now thinking about how I can’t possibly imagine the word “Optimus” being yelled from Audrey Hepburn’s mouth. But I’m sure the internet can oblige.
Now I’m picturing My Fair Lady but with Bumblebee.
Isn’t this the moment you all gather around and go, “Bootstrap… what the fuck did you do?”
“James Norrington, do you feel dead?”
“I take that as a no.”
Colin:
That IS a ‘no.’ He just stabbed Jones REAL FAST before peacing. Shit, so he is dead, huh? I don’t see how he’d be back unless Calypso does it later or they find all the Dragon Balls.
A ha.
Krill. Ocean. Krill-in the ocean.
I — I’m sorry. I’m shithoused.
He probably has seen Venice.
“Nice sword.”
I like this moment.
(P.S. Colin may have been onto something about his sword idea.)
Colin:
I told you that was just some shit I tried with a temp ho, if that shit ever gets out —
Oh, you meant about it falling into the hands of each main antagonist? Yup. I don’t know where it ends up in the next movie, though.
Ask the Temp Ho Agency.
Well this moment has some unexpected depth to it.
Colin:
You know which movies had unexpected depth? Das Boot and Hunt for Red October. And also 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Which, it’s referring to how far they went while underwater, not how deep they went. You can’t go 20,000 leagues down, people. Modern combat submarines can’t even go 20,000 INCHES down. I only bring this up because someone once asked me how deep 20,000 leagues was.
I realized that comment was meant to be about Jones and the sword, and I accidentally put it here.
Meh.
And now they realize, “Wait… we could go get this heart back.”
“Y’all bitches got got.”
Colin:
That’s nice. I like that they have dudes with fucking cannons pointing at the chest. I guess one of them would be the new captain if they had to do it.
“The Dutchman is under my command.”
Look at that face. “Oh really?”
“For now.”
Kind of a dead giveaway for a hideout, when it looks like a deserted island is on fire.
Well this shot is just a nut and a half.
Colin:
So…shots.
“You know, for all the ‘pirates are clever’ cult, we are an unimaginative lot when it comes to naming things.”
“I once sailed with a geezer who lost both of his arms and part of his eye.”
“What did you call him?”
“Larry.”
I remember Larry.
A lot of his charm has to do with the fact that he just walks away during conversations.
“I do not renege on a bargain once struck. But we agreed on ends only. The means are mine to decide.”
There’s a justification joke here.
“Caution, Barbossa. Do not forget that it was by my power that you returned from the dead.”
Look at his face.
“Or what it mean if you fail me.”
Colin:
Been there. Done that.
Now that’s a real “stranger.”
“Don’t you forget why you had to bring me back. Why I could not leave Jack to his well-deserved fate. It took nine pirate lords, Calypso –”
And she looks up. Way to let us know who this is. Way to go, guys.
“And it’ll take no less than nine to set you free.”
Colin:
Barbossa’s being a motherfucker to Calypso now. I like that he’s a good guy, but only tentatively. Whenever they just make formerly bad characters totally good, it’s no fun. There’s nothing to do with that. But Barbossa’s good, but also shifty and unpredictable. I don’t want it to be like earlier, where everyone was fighting each other and all vying for the same power, but in this case, it’s pretty fun.
“Take this fish wife to the brig.”
“Right this way, Mrs. Fish.”
Colin:
There are people out there whose actual name is “Mrs. Fish.” How much does THAT suck?
I guess it’d be worse if her name was Catherine.
Who gives pirates haircuts?
Does Tortuga have a barber?
Can there be a Wyatt Earp moment where he smells like perfume and has to explain that it’s the barber’s fault?
Why is she walking down the stairs like Norma Desmond?
I just noticed that his outfit is mesh.
They should make sugar cubes but for hallucinogens.
“I cannot be summoned like some mongrel pup.”
A Pup Named Davy Jones.
“Apparently you can. I believe you know each other.”
Colin:
“And after it’s all over, you say, ‘Oh, what a lovely tea party.'”
“A ha ha. Come to join my crew again, Master Turner?”
“Not yours. His.”
Colin:
Ah, so now Will’s hanging out with Beckett. And they’re sipping tea? Not booze? But I assume this’ll be a halfway decent moment for Bloom, cause here comes Jones.
“Jack Sparrow sends his regards.”
“You didn’t tell him? We rescued Jack from the Locker, along with the Black Pearl.”
Colin:
“Oh…he didn’t know.”
“What else have you not told me?”
“There is an issue far more troublesome. I believe you’re familiar with a person called Calypso.”
“Not a person. A heathen god. One who delights in cursing men with their wildest dreams and then revealing them to be hollow and naught but ash. The world is well rid of her.”
Colin:
Making it pretty obvious he’s in love with her.
“Not quite so well, actually. The Brethren Court intends to release her.”
Colin:
And Bloom caught on, cause his job is to explain plot points.
“No! They cannot! The first court promised to imprison her forever. That was our agreement.”
Colin:
That first court’s dead, homey.
“Your agreement?”
“I – showed them how to – bind her. She could not be trusted. She gave me no choice. We must act before they release her.”
I love how he delivers lines.
“You loved her. She’s the one. And then you betrayed her.”
“She pretended to love me. She betrayed ME!”
“And after which betrayal did you cut out your heart, I wonder.”
Colin:
YES! HE CLAWED YOUR TEACUP TO THE GROUND, SON!
Colin:
“Jones, do I pay you to wreck my things? Hah, what am I saying? I don’t pay you. You better pick that shit up.”
“Do not test me.”
“Oh, well really? I had the Scantron ready and everything. It was just a little one. Won’t even count for much of the grade.”
“I hadn’t finished that.”
“You will free my father.”
“And you will guarantee Elizabeth’s safety. Along with my own.”
Which – now’s a good time to ask – if he frees Bootstrap, doesn’t he just die? I’m not really sure what Will is trying to accomplish with this.
Colin:
I’m not sure either. Cause he was unable to die when the Dutchman got him. And he’s been under the Dutchman’s spell or whatever since then. So he should be fine. Don’t see why he’d die. He’d just go back to square one.
“Your terms are steep, Mr. Turner. We will expect fair value in return.”
Colin:
His terms are that Jones free his father, which isn’t much. And that he and Elizabeth not be killed. And Beckett calls that “steep.” This is why I like this guy. “Not kill you? That’s quite the hard bargain.”
“There is only one price I will accept. Calypso. Murdered.”
Can you murder a sea goddess?
“Calypso’s aboard the Black Pearl. Jack has sailed the Black Pearl to Shipwreck Cove.”
Orlando Bloom is the Randy Newman of dialogue.
Colin:
I like this globe. I want one of these globes. I’m still thinking about those guys who were war planning earlier. Don’t touch that. That’s mine.
“And with you no longer aboard her, how do you propose to lead us there?”
“What is it you want most?”
Colin:
He knows how to play Beckett. Which is to say, Jack knows how to play Beckett.
Shipwreck Cove.
Colin:
This is just Super Tortuga. It’s a pirate fortress. Remember when Tortuga was THE pirate place? Nobody was ever like, “You want some REAL pirates, you go to Shipwreck City.”
I thinks it’s more like — Tortuga is church. Shipwreck Cove is the Vatican.
But, you know… not shitty and built on centuries of deceit and bloodshed.
Colin:
Mike loves all things religious.
It’s funny how this place actually is shitty and built on centuries of deceit and bloodshed, but it’s still not as bad as religion.
Man, fuck religion.
Religious people scare me.
Colin:
This is very Asian, though. Like Hong Kong in the 60s. Just shit stacked on shit. Gets you in the mood for love.
It gets me in the mood for love the way Stephanie Meyer gets me a really good climactic battle.
(Colin got that.)
Colin:
Man, did that movie piss me off. I liked it, but it pissed me off. It’s okay. I’m set to watch it again in 2021 and see if it grows on me. Some of you are asking, “Colin, you have single movie watchings planned into the 2020s?” Yes. Yes I do. That’s not a joke. It’s set for February, 2021.
I’ll be dead by then.
They’ll have gotten me by then.
“There’s not been a gathering like this in our lifetime.”
“And I owe them all money.”
Colin:
Heh. Owing people money is funny.
Colin:
That’s a waxy chandelier.
Sounds like a great character name for a blaxploitation movie.
Waxy Chandelier.
I was gonna say stripper, but that would be an awkward stripper name.
There’s a band name for you, though — Waxy Chandelier and the Temp Hos.
And also because “temp hos” sounds like “tempos.”
(I am a genius.)
Colin:
Well that globe’s no good.
I just had the thought — are they stabbing the part of the globe where they’re from?
Since presumably there is a pirate for every area here.
Asia, Africa, India, France, Spain, Southeast Asia, Eastern Europe, and then Jack and Barbossa, who are more Britain and Caribbean-based.
Because that also means Elizabeth is now in control of all the Southeast Asian pirates.
They’re convening the Fourth Brethren Court. What happened in two and three – no idea. Probably butt stuff.
Colin:
These franchises. Always with the butt stuff.
Also, FYI — fucking COUNCIL!
Every franchise has a council if you go far enough.
“Present now your pieces of eight.”
Colin:
Barbossa just showed up and he’s the boss? Why does he have all the power? He was only the first mate til they marooned Jack.
I had thought about that back when. These are two pirate lords. So them being together on the same ship within twenty years of this must have meant that the two of them on the Pearl was a supergroup of sorts.
Or (more likely), they didn’t come up with the whole “pirate lord” thing until after they wrote the first one.
Colin:
I looked into it and apparently he only came by his piece of eight after becoming captain.
But again, it’s based on shit written after the movies, so it doesn’t count.
That French guy looks like he feels so bad for him.
“Those aren’t pieces of eight. They’re just pieces of junk.”
“Aye, the original plan was to use nine pieces of eight to bind Calypso, but when the first court met, the Brethren Court were, to a one, skint broke.”
Colin:
That’s kinda cool. They were broke, so it’s just pieces of shit.
“So change the name.”
“To what? Nine pieces of whatever we happen to have in our pockets at the time. Oh yes, that sounds very piratey.”
Colin:
“Hey, Boo.”
“I kept it safe for you, just like you said when you gave it to me.”
Colin:
The eye? Is that why he was so intent on saving it all this time? Why wouldn’t Barbossa keep it on him always? You don’t want someone else holding your badge of pirate lordship. Did he conveniently have a pirate in need of an eye? What if he disappeared at some point? These two have been all over the place.
Barbossa was fucking dead for a whole movie. Does that mean he’d have been the pirate lord? These pirates really operate under the assumption that captainship is being passed down. They were down two pirate lords at one point. Try a call to quorum then.
“Might I point out that we are still short one pirate lord. I’m as content as a cucumber to wait until Sao Feng joins us.”
“Sao Feng is dead. He fell to the Flying Dutchman.”
“How long have you been standing there?”
Colin:
Did I just assume they were putting their swords in where their domains are? Cause she’s now Pirate Lord of Singapore. Is that where she’s putting this blade in, or is that not what that’s supposed to be? I’d have loved a moment where she tried to be badass and just put the sword in the globe, only to be laughed at for apparently being the Pirate Lord of Uzbeki-beki-bekistan. Good luck sailing out of a doubly landlocked country.
“He made you captain? They’re just giving the bloody title away now.”
Colin:
So is she now officially a pirate lord?
“Listen to me. Our location has been betrayed.”
“Jones is under the command of Lord Beckett. They’re on their way here.”
They all know who Lord Beckett is?
Wouldn’t they all know him as Cutler Beckett, if they did know him at all?
Pretty sure only the Brits follow that sense of titleship.
“Who is this betrayer?”
“Not likely anyone among us.”
“Where’s Will?”
“Not among us.”
“It matters not how they found us, the question is what will we do now that they have?”
“We fight.”
Colin:
That’s right. Take that beard out for a nice, long laugh.
“Shipwreck Cove is a fortress. A well-supplied fortress. There is no need to fight if they cannot get to us.”
Colin:
They do have a fortress. It seems defensible. Can they last? They got stockpiling? The Flying Dutchman can also go underwater.
“There be a third course. In another age at this very spot, the first Brethren Court captured the sea goddess and bound her in her bones. That was a mistake.”
“Oh, it tamed the seas for ourselves, aye, but opened the door to Beckett, and his ilk.”
Did it?
“Better were the days when mastery of seas came not from bargains struck with eldritch creatures, but from the sweat of a man’s brow and the strength of his back alone. You all know this to be true.”
Colin:
Impassioned speech. How do I know it won’t go well?
“Gentlemen –”
“Ladies…”
(“Why did you look at me when you said that?”)
“We must free Calypso.”
“Shoot him.”
“Cut out his tongue.”
“Shoot him and cut out his tongue. Then shoot his tongue.”
Colin:
He’s thorough, I’ll give him that.
“And trim that – scraggly beard.”
“Calypso was our enemy then. She will be our enemy now.”
Colin:
This shit was before you were born. You don’t know shit.
Also, how about being like, “I was dead, she brought me back, I told her I’d do this. I’m the only one that can do this. Bitch owes me one.”
“I would still agree with Sao Feng. We release Calypso.”
I like his subordinate holding a gun.
“Cretan.”
Colin:
I knew I recognized him. The Mexican guy is the same dude who played the ugly Mexican from Men in Black at the very beginning. The one who turned out to be an alien holding a Mexican head. I’d recognize him anywhere.
Gotta love that about 18th century French people. They’ll just punch you in the face.
The precursor to the Bay movie.
I love how easily and quickly these people devolve into barfights.
“This is madness.”
“This is politics.”
Not wizard’s chess? I thought it would be wizard’s chess.
“Meanwhile our enemies are bearing down upon us.”
“If they not be here already.”
Colin:
And there’s Calypso. In her cell. Being a goddess sure is something. How’d they lock her away in the the first place?
This whole thing doesn’t make a lick of sense. But, whatever. It’s not worth the brain tumors, trying to figure it out.
I’m just gonna assume she likes banging dudes, and that’s how it happened.
Jones taught them a thing or two about a thing or two.
Colin:
That is how you get brain tumors. I’m gonna be dead next week. How did Jones kill the Kraken? If Beckett controls Jones and Jones controls the Kraken, why would Beckett pass up the perfect weapon? Why can’t Elizabeth go in the water when her dad’s drifting by, when later they ALL go in the water when they turn the ship upside down ahhhh its going dark take a drink colin
Colin:
aaaah its going dark again take a drink colin
“My sweet – you come for me.”
“You were expecting me.”
“It has been torture. Trapped in this single form. Cut off from the sea. From all that I love. From you.”
Get it? She’s behind bars.
“Ten years I devoted to the duty you charged to me. Ten years I looked after those that died at sea. And finally, when we could be together again – you weren’t there.”
“Why weren’t you there?”
“It’s my nature.”
That’s… kind of a bullshit excuse.
Colin:
A bullshit excuse prized by men for millennia.
“Would you love me if I was anything but what I am?”
Colin:
I’d love you if you were Jessica Michibata. Or Meisa Kuroki. Or any of those fine non-Asian actresses I hear so much about. Beyonce? Is she an actress (Obsessed bahahahaha)? I’d love you if you were Beyonce. So I guess the answer to your question is ‘yes.’
“I do not love you.”
“Many things you were, Davy Jones. But never cruel. You have corrupted your purpose, and so yourself. And you did hide away what should always have been mine.”
Colin:
“I don’t love you.” “ARTIFICE!”
Shouldn’t she call him a liar instead of cruel? Since he obviously does love her and will tell her as much in a fe seconds. She doesn’t care that he’s lying to her, only that he’s saying mean shit while lying?
“I will be free, and when I am, I will give you my heart, and we will be together always.”
“If only you had a heart.”
Colin:
Hey. Whoa. He looks normal. That’s better. Although…strangely like Michael Palin.
Colin:
Hahaha his claw. “Can you…can you touch me again so I can get outta here?” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve had to say that.
“And what fate have you planned for your captains?”
“All of them – the last thing they will learn in this life is how cruel I can be.”
Colin:
She’s pissed. She gonna kill everyone? That’d be fun.
“And what of your fate?”
“Davy Jones?”
YES! SHE THREW IN A DAVY JONES!
Colin:
Mike loves it when bitches throw in a Davy Jones.
“My heart will always belong to you.”
I like the pair of balls hanging.
Colin:
balls
“It was the first court what imprisoned Calypso. We should be the ones to set her free, and in her gratitude she will see fit to grant us boons.”
I want to go up to a woman and say, “Grant me boons.”
“Whose boons? Your boons?”
“Utterly deceptive twaddlespeak, says I.”
I also want to call what someone says “twaddlespeak.”
“If you have a better offer – share.”
“Cuttlefish.”
“Let us not, dear friends, forget our dear friends, the cuttlefish.”
“Flippercanorious little sausages.”
I love how they just find big words for him to say.
They know how to write this guy.
“Pin em up together and they will devour themselves without a second thought. Human nature, isn’t it? Or – fish nature.”
Colin:
This Chinese dude’s bout to stab you.
“So, yes, we could hole up here, well-provisioned, and half of us will be dead within the month. Which seems quite grim to me, anyway you slice it.”
“Or…”
“As my learned –”
“– colleague so naively suggests, we can release Calypso. And we can pray she’ll be merciful.”
Colin:
Haha! Look at the French guy in the back! The candles are behind his hat so he looks goofy. I shall call him Lumière.
“I rather doubt it.”
Colin:
This speech is great. Depp really is good.
“Can we, in fact, pretend that she is anything other than a woman scorned like which fury hell hath no? We cannot.”
Colin:
See, this is what I’m talking about. That’s great. What kid is able to follow that?
“Res ipsa loquitur, tabula in naufragio.”
“We are left with the one option.”
“I agree with – and I can’t believe the words are coming out of me mouth –”
“Captain Swann.”
“You’ve always run away from a fight.”
Colin:
Always run from a fight? You may think you the shit Hector, but do we need to remind you of the “Hello, Beastie” moment?
Or, you know… when he shot and killed him?
“Have not!”
“You have so.”
“Have not!”
“You have so.”
“Have not.”
“You have so.”
“Have not.”
“You have so, and you know it.”
“Have not, slander and calumny.”
“I have only ever embraced that oldest and noblest of pirate traditions.”
“I submit that here, now, that is what we all must do. We must fight –”
“To run away.”
“Aye!”
“As per the code…”
I love this. He’s that technicality douchebag that everyone hates in a situation like this, but because he’s Geoffrey Rush doing his thing, we enjoy it.
“An act of war – and this be exactly that – can only be declared by the pirate king.”
“You made that up.”
That is also accurate. Pirate king sounds a little ridiculous. And also that would be a great thing to bullshit your way through, since none of them know the code. It’s like going through Congress, making shit up from the Constitution. Don’t nobody know what it really says.
Colin:
There’s a pirate king? Why isn’t HE presiding?
