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Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Part IV — “A POV Porno But With Boats”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start At World’s End. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fourth part of At World’s End:

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - Title Card 2

We begin Part IV at WAR.

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Shots.

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Just like the first movie.

Colin:

Line of ships in the mist. Yup.

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“The enemy is here!”

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“Let’s take ‘em!”

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You fuckers are excited for a group that wasn’t excited about war a few hours ago.

Colin:

Gotta psych yourself up or it’ll all go poorly. I’m totally anti-war, but if I ever get drafted, I’ll be singing songs and screaming “OOOAH!”

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Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1741

Colin:

BETTER line of ships in the mist. OH YEAH.

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Colin:

OH HELL YEAH! D-DAY! This is exactly what happens in The Longest Day.

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“Parlay?”

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It was this exact moment, in a movie theater at about 2 am, sitting amongst a bunch of 14 year olds, that I burst out laughing so hard that I almost started crying.

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This score is SUCH a Morricone ripoff it’s hilarious. (Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing that they went Morricone, but the fact that it’s so Morricone and the fact that I was sitting with people who had no idea what the fuck that was, who wouldn’t recognize it at all, made it so hilarious to me.)

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But it looks amazing and sounds great. I love when people can replicate the Morricone sound.

Colin:

What is this song? Why is it all Morricone all of a sudden?

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Colin:

Meeting up with the enemy.

Let’s just preface all of this with — shots.

Fucking shots.

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Colin:

AND A BUCKET

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Colin:

This is actually bullshit. He’s in a bucket, but the bucket is still on land. He could get bucket shoes and go wherever he wanted anytime. If this flies, then his whole issue about not going on land is bullshit. You’re on land.

Bucket Shoes

What I want to know is — who had to carry the tub of water?

They had to have made Will do it, right?

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We even get the close-ups!

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This one kills it for me. Why’s he doing the eyebrow. This isn’t Morricone. At least go full throttle.

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Colin:

They don’t walk in a very straight line, do they?

But apparently they walk in synchronization.

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“You be the cur that led these bulls to our door.”

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“Don’t blame Turner. He was merely the tool of your betrayal. If you wish to see its grand architect, look to your left.”

Colin:

Beckett calls Orlando Bloom a tool — yet another reason why I like this man.

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Colin:

Even in Chinese clothes, she’s still got a corset.

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“My hands are clean in this.”

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“Figuratively.”

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This location.

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“My actions were my own and to my own purpose. Jack had nothing to do with this.”

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“Well spoke!”

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“Listen to the tool.”

Colin:

Hard to beat a line like that when spoken about Orlando Bloom.

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“Will, I’ve been aboard the Dutchman. I understand the burden you bear, but I fear that cause is lost.”

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“No cause is lost, if there is one fool left to fight for it.”

Well if that’s true, I got a shitload of causes that aren’t lost.

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Nice cut.

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“If Turner wasn’t acting on your behalf, then how did he come to give me this?”

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“You made a deal with me Jack to deliver the pirates. And here they are.”

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“Step up. Claim your reward.”

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“Your debt to me is still to be satisfied. One hundred years in servitude aboard the Dutchman. As a start.”

Colin:

Wait. So Davy Jones wants Jack, even though he paid that debt. And Bloom still wants Pops back? Even though he’s loopy. Someone should tell him.

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Close-ups.

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“That debt was paid, mate.”

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“With – help.”

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“You escaped.”

“Technically –”

“I propose an exchange.”

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“Will leaves with us, and you can take Jack.”

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“Done.”

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“Undone.”

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“Done.”

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“Jack is one of the nine pirate lords. You have no right.”

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“King!”

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“Motherfucker.”

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I like that reaction, too.

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“As you command.”

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“Your nibs.”

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3D.

A lot of these franchises have 3D shots.

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Sand.

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Yoink!

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“If ye have something to say, I might be sayin’ something as well.”

Favorite line in the franchise. I fucking LOVE that line.

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“First to the finish, then?”

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Colin:

I love Beckett. Through all this, he’s just chilling in the back, running his shit and loving it.

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I like that little slide over he did. Nice.

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“Do you feel dead?”

“You have no idea.”

Colin:

What’s with the “Do you feel dead” line? It’s not particularly badass, so I wish they’d stop bringing it back. You can’t treat it like Nicholson as the Joker.

To be fair, that line was really stupid too.

Colin:

True, but that’s still Nicholson. It would take someone of immense…no, it would take Stephenie Meyer to write dialogue that even Nicholson couldn’t pull off.

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“Advise your Brethren – you can fight, and all of you will die. Or you can not fight, in which case only most of you will die.”

Colin:

THAT’S a good line. Either all of you will die, or most of you will die. Yes, I am a baller and I do enjoy running my shit.

His beard is squid.

I mean, I knew that, but it’s like when you really notice something you never really thought about. Like when you say a word a bunch of times in a row and actually think about its spelling and how weird it sounds when you say it and you’re self-conscious and feel weird saying it. That’s what I just had.

His beard is squid.

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Colin:

“Ahhhhh. I love my life.”

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“You murdered my father.”

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“He chose his own fate.”

I kind of like this guy. Most people would have that moment of, “How the fuck did you find that out?” But he’s like, “Meh, he did it to himself.” He completely owns it.

Colin:

I really like this guy. As far as villains go, he’s great. He’s the sort of villain that’s willing to deal with just about everyone who wants him dead. I like that he’ll use you, knowing that you know what his end goal is. Cause it doesn’t matter. He’s got shit on lock until the last moment, which — that’s a bit of a surprise.

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“And you have chosen yours.”

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“We will fight. And you will die.”

I like the emphasis on the second will. And not just because of the pun. Because it’s like, “Oh we’re gonna fight. But you are definitely going to die.”

Also – “Before this war is over I’m going to kill you.”

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“So be it.”

Colin:

“So be it.” ….Jedi? I can’t hear those three words without thinking Palpatine.

It’s treason, then.

Colin:

“La Compagnie, c’est moi.”

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Fucking hell — look at this.

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“King?”

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“Of the Brethren Court.”

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That face.

This was funny to me before, how she was always the least pirate and is now king of all pirates. But it’s also funny because of how turned on he is by that.

Colin:

He started out the pirate, kissing the governor’s daughter in her girly dress. Now he’s pretty much nothing, and she’s pirate king of the world. Kinda losing out, aren’t you Will? How’s she still gonna like you like this?

It’s actually pretty funny. He’s become useless since the first movie. He’s purely there for exposition. And then it’s like — “Oh, yeah… they’re soulmates or whatever.”

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“Courtesy of Jack.”

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“Maybe he really does know what he’s doing.”

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Cuts.

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… and this is where they officially ruin his character.

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“Bravo! You’ve successfully arrived aboard the Dutchman as per the overall scheme.”

Colin:

Jack’s mind is beautiful again. That’s fun.

See — I don’t need to know that this was part of his overall scheme. Or rather, I don’t need to be told it in plain words. Just let it happen. And I don’t need them to externalize his internal thoughts. Sparrow is best left as an internal character whose actions and thoughts you’re always a step behind. That’s what makes him great.

Colin:

Yup. This is where it’s over the top, now that I think of it. Should have kept it to the Locker. Now there’s no reason for it.

That’s the only time where it makes sense. But since they keep going, I can’t accept any of it.

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See? Why do I need this? I know you’re showing all these crazy thoughts floating around his head at once, but it completely ruins everything that worked in the first film.

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“Go away.”

Yes, please. Go away.

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“Go away?”

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“What, back to the Locker, then?”

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“Stab the heart.”

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“Live forever.”

Colin:

Ew. That mind isn’t beautiful.

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“Then again – if you’re in the brig, who’s to stab the heart?”

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I hate all of this.

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Why the fuck is this happening? Not only is it unnecessary, you throw in stupid humor, too.

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Colin:

Peanut.

I hate all of this.

You can cut this out and you wouldn’t miss it at all.

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She plans on using the Pearl as the flagship for the attack.

“Will we now?”

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“Barbossa – you can’t release her!”

Colin:

Oh, so this is why Barbossa stole the other pieces earlier? He’s got all of them now and he can release her? They aren’t magical, though, right? How does this work?

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“We need to give Jack a chance.”

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“Apologies, your majesty. Too long a fate has not been in me own hands. No longer.”

Colin:

Good on ya, Barbossa. He’s right. Get some control.

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I like getting extra close-ups of Geoffrey Rush’s facial expressions.

Plus, like I said — that’s his trick for Barbossa — final line is elongated and he does this face with the wide eyes.

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“The enemy has opted for oblivion.”

Colin:

The British. A silly people they are. And I say that knowing I’m descended from silly people. I’m a silly person.

Isn’t it funny how they set up for this to be a big speech, and he’s like, “So they wanna die… oblige them.”

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It’s also funny how so much of this climax hinges on the burning of pieces of shit.

Just like… no, I’m not gonna finish that. But you can fill in the rest yourself.

Restraint.

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“Be there some manner of right or incantation?”

Those ropes are still around the mast from when they tied themselves.

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“Aye.”

Colin:

Barbossa’s gonna get another chance at an incantation. This motherfucker loves incantations.

I gave that bitch an incantation.

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The items need to be brought together, burned —

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There you go, Gibbs. That’s how you set shit on fire.

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And someone must say the words “Calypso, I release you from your human bonds.”

(Try to unnotice that trick thing now.)

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“Is that it?”

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“They said it must be spoken as if to a lover.”

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Reaction shots.

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You’d think they’d make him do it. Like in The Matrix where Keanu has to make out with Monica Bellucci in front of Carrie Anne Moss.

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Oh, no, he’s gonna do it. Right.

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“Calypso –”

This is exactly how I talk sexy to all of my lovers.

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“I release you from your human bonds.”

Colin:

Haha was that his best Bill Nighy?

How’d they get her in one place to be bound in the first place?

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“He didn’t say it right.”

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“You have to say it right.”

This motherfucker would be on pirate Breaking Bad.

Colin:

Is this is moment to come through? Is this asshole gonna have a perfect lover’s voice?

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“Calypso –”

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“You smell like fish heads and dirt.”

“I release you from your human bonds.”

At least his voice didn’t randomly turn into Michael Clarke Duncan or something.

I guess.

Colin:

Not amazing, but I guess it did the trick. I was hoping he’d open his mouth and a completely different voice would come out. I wasn’t hoping for Michael Clarke Duncan. But something a little different.

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And she just came.

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Well that eye’s no good.

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Yes, grab the rope. That’ll do something.

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She actually want that purple stuff!

Colin:

Rum smoke.

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“When the Brethren Court first imprisoned you, who was it that told them how? Who was it that betrayed you?”

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“Name him.”

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“Davy Jones.”

Colin:

He asks her who it was, and she immediately jumps to assuming he knows? Why’d he ask? She could have just as easily gone, “I don’t fucking know. Wish I did. I’d kill that motherfucker.”

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Colin:

Now you fucked everything up, Will. But Davy Jones is fucked now.

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“Where can I learn to do that?”

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Why are the ropes growing too?

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Pretty sure that takes down the ship.

Colin:

That’s a lotta woman.

You think she wants to make $14, the hard way?

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This is also pretty fucking ridiculous.

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This ship is about to go into a naval battle, FYI.

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Big titties!

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WHY ARE YOU STILL HOLDING THE ROPES?!!

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“Calypso, I come before you as but a servant, humble and contrite.”

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“I have fulfilled me vow. And now ask your favor.”

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“Spare meself me ship, me crew, but unleash your fury upon those who dare pretend themselves your masters, or mine.”

That’s… kinda racist.

Colin:

“Dear God, please go fuck deez bitches up. Amen.” That’s what that was.

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“Look at you little people. I could bite your heads off and you couldn’t do shit about it. I could go for a burrito now. I wonder if there’s a Chipotle nearby.”

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I… have no idea what the fuck she’s saying. She sounds like she has a fucking dart in her neck.

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Can Beckett and his men see this? Because that’s weird. That no one looks over and goes, “That’s probably not good.”

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What the fuck?!

Colin:

Crabs.

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Damn. That’s how you start a Bubba Gump Shrimping Company.

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You all got crabs.

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There’s no way that midget isn’t killed right now.

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What are those other ships thinking right now?

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What happens to her hut?

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Colin:

I wish she’d turned into shrimp all over Barbossa. Cause… shrimp on the Barbie.

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“Is that it?”

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“Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?”

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“Why, she’s no help at all.”

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“What now?”

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“Nothing. Our final hope has failed us.”

Aww… just like a real God!

Colin:

AHAHAHA. Mike knows what makes me laugh.

But…shit. I guess that’s that day about done.

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Not just yet, Auntie Em.

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These shots are nice, since it’s showing what happens to shit in cold and heat. It suddenly got cold, so you can hear the ropes contracting.

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“It’s not over.”

Stop looking so… stern.

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“There’s still a fight to be had.”

“We have an armada against us. And with the Dutchman, there’s no chance.”

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“There’s only a fool’s chance.”

“Revenge won’t bring your father back, Miss Swann. It’s not something I’m intending to die for.”

Colin:

What if it did? Jones runs a ferry. Ferries go two ways.

But they never do get into where the ferry leads them to.

If it’s New Jersey, nobody would want them back.

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“You’re right. Then what shall we die for?”

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“You will listen to me.”

Speech time!

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“The Brethren will still be looking here, to us, to the Black Pearl to lead.”

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“And what will they see? Frightened bilge rats upon a derelict ship?”

How about a giant fucking voodoo woman who turned into crabs?

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“No. They will see free men, and freedom!”

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“And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons.”

What about the flash of their titties? That would confuse them.

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“They will hear the ring of our swords, and they will know what we can do!”

“And they will know what we can do”? Really?

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“By the sweat of our brows, and the strength of our backs, and the courage of our hearts –”

So… by working hard, and having courage…

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1962

“Gentlemen – hoist the colors.”

Are they really gonna use the strength of their backs and work up a sweat hoisting the colors?

Colin:

Impassioned speech from Keira. Her voice makes it funny. The last time she did this on this ship, they gave her a rowboat and peaced. That’d be amusing.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1963

“Aye. The wind’s on our side, boys. That’s all we need!”

Colin:

Sometimes, Gibbs does the crazy eyes.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1964

Isn’t it great how they were all silent until he said something. They were all like, “Ehh… she’s not really one of us,” and then Gibbs puts her over the top. The only thing thing missing is the midget shouting something. These fuckers will cheer for anything.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1965

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1966

Transformers Dark of the Moon - 18

Colin:

Was about to say — that showed restraint, not writing that there. But then…hah. Restraint. That’s what we’re known for.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1967

So is he temporary captain of that ship now that she’s pirate king?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1968

This pose.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1969

Very feminine.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1970

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1971

Simple flag. I like it.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1972

Colin:

Flag shots.

They have the simplest one.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1973

Will, you’re fucking up the shot.

I love all those other ships in the background.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1974

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1975

Drinking tea on a ship before a battle. As you do.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1976

“We have a favorable wind, sir.”

Juxtaposition.

Also, how can they both have a favorable wind?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1977

“And so we do. Signal Jones to give no quarter. That should brighten his day.”

Colin:

Love me some tea.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1978

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1979

Are they really getting signals like that? Can’t Jones just teleport aboard?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1980

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1981

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1982

Colin:

Oh, does he still think she’s on the Pearl? Or is he acknowledging that she’s free? This is her, doing this weather shit, right?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1983

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1984

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1985

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1986

RAMPAGE!!!!

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1987

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1988

Boats. Lots of boats.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1989

YEAH LIGHTNING!

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1990

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1991

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1992

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1993

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1994

Colin:

How are none of these ships getting struck by lighting? How are ships not just lightning rods?

This is Calypso lightning. Just for effect.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1995

“Maelstrom!”

Colin:

Maelstrom. Cool.

That’s how the wind can be favorable for both of them.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1996

Look at Barbossa!

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1997

“We need you at the helm!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1998

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 1999

“Aye, that be true.”

AKA, “Yeah, I’m a badass.”

Colin:

This is Barbossa’s real moment. Some crazy shit up ahead and Keira’s like, “Uh…I can’t drive. Can we get your bomb ass skillz perchance?”

Why can’t she drive?

She’s a woman.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2000

“Brace up yards, you cack-handed deck apes.”

Colin:

Cotton’s like, “YEAH! WE GOT THIS SHIT NOW!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2001

I love that we can all take glee in his glee.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2002

“Dying is the day worth living for!”

He’s still going!

Colin:

He’s so much more a badass than Jack. And actually, I’d say, the better pirate. In terms of being pirate-like.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2003

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2004

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2005

“Pull forward, into the abyss!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2006

“Are you mad?!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2007

“Ha! You afraid to get wet?”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2008

Colin:

So they’re both gonna drop in and chase each other around, is that it?

This is actually a pretty ridiculous climax, when you look at it as a whole. But at least it’s not all part of a vision, right, Stephenie?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2009

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2010

“More speed! All your wind and hold your water!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2012

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2013

Cannons.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2014

Colin:

They’re going in a circle, so the Pearl should be able to outpace the Dutchman for at least the half of the circle where the wind is with them.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2015

Wouldn’t it be cool if that were the steering wheel of your car?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2016

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2017

“OPTIMUS!”

She actually says, “Prepare to broad side.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2018

This is funny. They’re all just watching these two ships chase each other around a circle.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2019

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2020

STOP CUTTING BACK TO THIS!

For once I don’t want you to cut back to Jack.

Colin:

Continuity. His bandana was ripped in the last scene with him from where Barbossa cut off his piece of eight. Even his hallucinations had the tear. I guess they forgot to do that here.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2021

“Leverage.”

Colin:

Leverage. He knows a blacksmith.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2022

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2023

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2024

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2025

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2026

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2027

“Nobody move! I dropped me brain.”

Why is this necessary?

Colin:

Necessary? What could BE more– oh, you’re right. Not necessary.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2028

Colin:

Sometimes I forget that “batten down the hatches” actually has a real application. That’s just one of those phrases that’s used more often figuratively than otherwise these days.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2029

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2030

This shot is fucking great.

Colin:

Sorta like a POV porno but with boats.

Let us all look again at that photo and appreciate the image.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2031

I’m just gonna get every Optimus scream in this movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2032

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2033

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2034

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2035

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2036

That guy got FUCKED UP.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2037

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2038

Colin:

They’re firing at each other from a LONG way away.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2039

“It be too late to alter course now, maties.”

Colin:

That’s really what Barbossa is in this franchise. He’s the guy that yells and laughs when shit gets rough.

Also, I went back and looked — Cotton is over Barbossa’s right shoulder in every single shot of him so far during this battle, from when he takes the helm. Even from different angles, and even in the shot that was primarily one of Elizabeth’s Optimus screams. Wonder if that was intentional.

It’s really the only thing he has. The parrot is gone, so really all they can do to give him screen time is to put him in the back of shots.

Though I guess he is the wheelman, right? We usually do see him on the wheel for Barbossa, except when Barbossa needs to expertly maneuver his way around shit like a boss.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2040

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2041

These fuckers.

Stop, or my mom they’ll shoot.

Colin:

Of course it’s these two. And they’re gonna get tricked the same way they did with The Interceptor. I don’t even need to watch this scene.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2042

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2043

“Good one.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2044

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2045

“I just come to get me effects.”

Why do they just leave his effects around like this for him to find them?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2046

“Admirable though it may be – why are you here when you could be elsewhere?”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2047

“Someone has to stay and guard the chest.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2048

“There’s no question. There has been a breakdown in military discipline aboard this vessel.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2049

“I blame the fish people.”

“Oh! So fish people. By tenant of being fish people automatically aren’t as disciplined as non fish people?”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2050

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2051

“Seems contributory, is all I’m suggesting.”

“Well it is true, if there were no fish people, there’d be no need to guard the chest.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2052

“If there were no chest, we wouldn’t need to be here to guard it.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2053

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2054

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2055

Colin:

Yup.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2056

This shot. This shot is great. This is chaos.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2057

“Miii-ke.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2058

One thing I never got — does he know the chest is out of cannon range? Or is he just using this as an opportunity to kill this guy? Because if it’s the latter, why not do this earlier? It seems like he kills him because he has a chance to and the dude’s not expecting it, and then he just waltzes downstairs with the key to open the chest, even though the two guys are still there with the cannons. So he’s still not in any better situation now. Plus he could have always materialized down there earlier and cut those two fucks’ achilles tendons. That’s why I never got this. Why is he only doing this right now, when the chest has just become “safe”?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2059

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2060

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2061

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2062

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2063

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2064

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2065

Japan.

Colin:

Ew, his face got tentacle raped.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2066

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2067

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2068

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2069

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2070

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2071

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2072

Colin:

And now Jack’s coming out. How does this work? Both ships were total chaos just a second ago, and now it’s all calm and there’s just dudes walking around? It’s like the battle’s happening but also totally not happening.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2073

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2074

“Lookie here, boys. A lost bird that never learned to fly.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2075

“To my great regret.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2076

“But – never too late to learn, eh?”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2077

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2078

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2079

Colin:

Have I mentioned that this shit is gross?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2080

Colin:

More ridiculous flying.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2081

Colin:

No way he doesn’t fall off.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2082

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2083

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2084

See what I mean? He can materialize anywhere. There’s no way you don’t get that chest back way earlier.

Plus, do Beckett and folk know what happens with the heart? Are they just bluffing? Do they really want to risk Jones being dead?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2085

“The chest – hand it over.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2086

“I can set you free, mate.”

“My freedom was forfeit long ago.”

Colin:

A Fara-mere trifle.

That joke was an Eo-win.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2087

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2088

Colin:

And now a SWORD fight? There’s no fucking way.

Honestly, though — this is a badass location for a fight scene in a pirate movie. This is one of those things you would take advantage of. It’s an easy suspension (quite literally) of disbelief to have. It’s the fact that it’s a practical location. The imagery is great (see: the above image), and you can actually picture people fighting up there. So it’s not hard to go along with it and enjoy it. Even the water wheel — you can see them doing it, so it’s not that hard to go along with it (and yet when Depp gets picked up by it, it’s stupid). Them in the cages swinging from ropes — dumb as shit. Why? Would never fucking happen. So I’m a huge fan of this fight.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2089

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2090

And you get these kinds of angles — I almost wish they spent a little more time with this fight. But since it’s mostly CG-rendered, I understand.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2091

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2092

Colin:

Boarding over the abyss? Don’t even try to board. Just wait and repel the boarders. They’ll run out of dudes and you’ll be safe.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2093

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2094

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2095

This is like X-Men but with ropes.

Holy shit — imagine Wolverine in a pirate movie.

Let’s do that.

Let’s make that movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2096

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2097

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2098

YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2099

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2100

Well now don’t you feel like an asshole?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2101

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2102

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2103

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2104

Nice. Trap his sword in the wheel and punch him in the face. You don’t fuck with Barbossa.

Colin:

Who’s trying to attack Barbossa? Don’t people know he isn’t a motherfucker to be trifled with?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2105

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2106

That stab looks a little forced, Orlando. Like you were trying to sync things up. Plus it looks stupid.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2107

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2108

“Elizabeth – will you marry me?”

Colin:

Marriage proposal? Aren’t they still technically sorta engaged? They were supposed to have been married in the last movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2109

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2110

“I don’t think now’s the best time!”

Colin:

Well, that was seven syllables, any of which could have been used to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Could even say ‘maybe’ three times and have a syllable left to decide with.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2111

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2112

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2113

“I love you.”

How is that going to change anything? She was gonna marry you before. She still loves you. You still love her. That has absolutely nothing to do with why she doesn’t think this is a good time.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2114

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2115

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2116

“I’ve made my choice. What’s yours?”

This would have been better if he said, “I’ve made my choice, it’s yours,” referring to his heart, or whatever. Since this doesn’t at all mean he’s done with his father bullshit. This just means he’s decided he wants to marry her right now.

Amazing how a single word can change an entire line.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2117

“Barbossa! Marry us!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2118

“I’m a little busy at the moment!”

Colin:

Barbossa, marry them? That’s fucking ridiculous. I enjoy this silliness. He ain’t having NONE of your shit. But then, this whole movie’s nothing but ship captains everywhere. There’s been like 48 captains and I’ve seen like 6 ships.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2119

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2120

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2121

“Fine, then!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2122

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2123

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2124

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2125

I love that he hops up there to do the ceremony. Nice touch.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2126

“Dearly beloved – we be gathered here today…”

Colin:

Okay, this is so ludicrous it’s actually enjoyable. Let’s get this straight. Geoffrey Rush is performing a pirate wedding while slashing fish people on a ship that’s engaged in a battle taking place inside a giant whirlpool. If only Rush had known in 1996 that this would be his REAL moment to…shine.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2127

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2128

“To nail your gizzards to the mast, you poxy cur!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2129

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2130

“Did that motherfucker say what I think he just said?”

I love that this is there, because it makes the whole thing so much more interesting. Why wouldn’t you want the guy marrying you to do and say shit like that?

Can I make sure that happens at my wedding?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2131

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2132

“Elizabeth Swann – do you take me to be your husband?”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2133

“I do!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2134

“Great!”

You fucking tool.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2135

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2136

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2137

“Will Turner do you take me to be your wife?”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2138

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2139

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2140

Pretty sure that’s not helping your kill ratio.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2141

“In sickness and in health.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2142

“With health being the less likely.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2143

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2144

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2145

This shot.

Oh my god, this shot.

Colin:

Holy shit. How’d I miss that? This is all going very quickly, but that’s amazing.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2146

“I do.”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2147

Notice how they didn’t mention the “death do us part” part.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2148

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2149

“As captain, I now pronounce you man and wife.”

I love that he’s fighting two people without even looking as he does this.

Colin:

Ain’t got shit to say about this, other than that it’s goofy and I don’t hate it. Actually, you know what? It’s Geoffrey Rush doing it. Anyone else in this franchise doing this and I wouldn’t have been into it. But this works.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2150

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2151

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2152

“You may kiss –”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2153

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2154

That’s great.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2155

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2156

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2157

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2158

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2159

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2160

“You may kiss –”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2161

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2162

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2163

This would be a good image.

If they gave a shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2164

“Just kiss!”

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2165

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2166

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2167

This would mean a lot more if it were the first one. Not sure why they expect this to mean anything.

I guess you’d have to believe that marriage means something.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2168

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2169

Why do you assholes continue to be allowed on this ship?

How about you do something?

Your friends are dying. How about you do something other than watch a wedding ceremony and cry?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2170

I like this, especially if this is a legit set and not CG.

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End - 2171

Morons. I’ve got morons on my team.

This is the END OF PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and the end of the trilogy.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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