Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Part IV — “A POV Porno But With Boats”
Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start At World’s End. Part IV.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fourth part of At World’s End:
We begin Part IV at WAR.
Just like the first movie.
Line of ships in the mist. Yup.
“The enemy is here!”
“Let’s take ‘em!”
You fuckers are excited for a group that wasn’t excited about war a few hours ago.
Gotta psych yourself up or it’ll all go poorly. I’m totally anti-war, but if I ever get drafted, I’ll be singing songs and screaming “OOOAH!”
BETTER line of ships in the mist. OH YEAH.
OH HELL YEAH! D-DAY! This is exactly what happens in The Longest Day.
It was this exact moment, in a movie theater at about 2 am, sitting amongst a bunch of 14 year olds, that I burst out laughing so hard that I almost started crying.
This score is SUCH a Morricone ripoff it’s hilarious. (Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing that they went Morricone, but the fact that it’s so Morricone and the fact that I was sitting with people who had no idea what the fuck that was, who wouldn’t recognize it at all, made it so hilarious to me.)
But it looks amazing and sounds great. I love when people can replicate the Morricone sound.
What is this song? Why is it all Morricone all of a sudden?
Meeting up with the enemy.
Let’s just preface all of this with — shots.
AND A BUCKET
This is actually bullshit. He’s in a bucket, but the bucket is still on land. He could get bucket shoes and go wherever he wanted anytime. If this flies, then his whole issue about not going on land is bullshit. You’re on land.
What I want to know is — who had to carry the tub of water?
They had to have made Will do it, right?
We even get the close-ups!
This one kills it for me. Why’s he doing the eyebrow. This isn’t Morricone. At least go full throttle.
They don’t walk in a very straight line, do they?
But apparently they walk in synchronization.
“You be the cur that led these bulls to our door.”
“Don’t blame Turner. He was merely the tool of your betrayal. If you wish to see its grand architect, look to your left.”
Beckett calls Orlando Bloom a tool — yet another reason why I like this man.
Even in Chinese clothes, she’s still got a corset.
“My hands are clean in this.”
“My actions were my own and to my own purpose. Jack had nothing to do with this.”
“Listen to the tool.”
Hard to beat a line like that when spoken about Orlando Bloom.
“Will, I’ve been aboard the Dutchman. I understand the burden you bear, but I fear that cause is lost.”
“No cause is lost, if there is one fool left to fight for it.”
Well if that’s true, I got a shitload of causes that aren’t lost.
“If Turner wasn’t acting on your behalf, then how did he come to give me this?”
“You made a deal with me Jack to deliver the pirates. And here they are.”
“Step up. Claim your reward.”
“Your debt to me is still to be satisfied. One hundred years in servitude aboard the Dutchman. As a start.”
Wait. So Davy Jones wants Jack, even though he paid that debt. And Bloom still wants Pops back? Even though he’s loopy. Someone should tell him.
“That debt was paid, mate.”
“With – help.”
“I propose an exchange.”
“Will leaves with us, and you can take Jack.”
“Jack is one of the nine pirate lords. You have no right.”
I like that reaction, too.
“As you command.”
A lot of these franchises have 3D shots.
“If ye have something to say, I might be sayin’ something as well.”
Favorite line in the franchise. I fucking LOVE that line.
“First to the finish, then?”
I love Beckett. Through all this, he’s just chilling in the back, running his shit and loving it.
I like that little slide over he did. Nice.
“Do you feel dead?”
“You have no idea.”
What’s with the “Do you feel dead” line? It’s not particularly badass, so I wish they’d stop bringing it back. You can’t treat it like Nicholson as the Joker.
To be fair, that line was really stupid too.
True, but that’s still Nicholson. It would take someone of immense…no, it would take Stephenie Meyer to write dialogue that even Nicholson couldn’t pull off.
“Advise your Brethren – you can fight, and all of you will die. Or you can not fight, in which case only most of you will die.”
THAT’S a good line. Either all of you will die, or most of you will die. Yes, I am a baller and I do enjoy running my shit.
His beard is squid.
I mean, I knew that, but it’s like when you really notice something you never really thought about. Like when you say a word a bunch of times in a row and actually think about its spelling and how weird it sounds when you say it and you’re self-conscious and feel weird saying it. That’s what I just had.
His beard is squid.
“Ahhhhh. I love my life.”
“You murdered my father.”
“He chose his own fate.”
I kind of like this guy. Most people would have that moment of, “How the fuck did you find that out?” But he’s like, “Meh, he did it to himself.” He completely owns it.
I really like this guy. As far as villains go, he’s great. He’s the sort of villain that’s willing to deal with just about everyone who wants him dead. I like that he’ll use you, knowing that you know what his end goal is. Cause it doesn’t matter. He’s got shit on lock until the last moment, which — that’s a bit of a surprise.
“And you have chosen yours.”
“We will fight. And you will die.”
I like the emphasis on the second will. And not just because of the pun. Because it’s like, “Oh we’re gonna fight. But you are definitely going to die.”
Also – “Before this war is over I’m going to kill you.”
“So be it.”
“So be it.” ….Jedi? I can’t hear those three words without thinking Palpatine.
It’s treason, then.
“La Compagnie, c’est moi.”
Fucking hell — look at this.
“Of the Brethren Court.”
This was funny to me before, how she was always the least pirate and is now king of all pirates. But it’s also funny because of how turned on he is by that.
He started out the pirate, kissing the governor’s daughter in her girly dress. Now he’s pretty much nothing, and she’s pirate king of the world. Kinda losing out, aren’t you Will? How’s she still gonna like you like this?
It’s actually pretty funny. He’s become useless since the first movie. He’s purely there for exposition. And then it’s like — “Oh, yeah… they’re soulmates or whatever.”
“Courtesy of Jack.”
“Maybe he really does know what he’s doing.”
… and this is where they officially ruin his character.
“Bravo! You’ve successfully arrived aboard the Dutchman as per the overall scheme.”
Jack’s mind is beautiful again. That’s fun.
See — I don’t need to know that this was part of his overall scheme. Or rather, I don’t need to be told it in plain words. Just let it happen. And I don’t need them to externalize his internal thoughts. Sparrow is best left as an internal character whose actions and thoughts you’re always a step behind. That’s what makes him great.
Yup. This is where it’s over the top, now that I think of it. Should have kept it to the Locker. Now there’s no reason for it.
That’s the only time where it makes sense. But since they keep going, I can’t accept any of it.
See? Why do I need this? I know you’re showing all these crazy thoughts floating around his head at once, but it completely ruins everything that worked in the first film.
Yes, please. Go away.
“What, back to the Locker, then?”
“Stab the heart.”
Ew. That mind isn’t beautiful.
“Then again – if you’re in the brig, who’s to stab the heart?”
I hate all of this.
Why the fuck is this happening? Not only is it unnecessary, you throw in stupid humor, too.
I hate all of this.
You can cut this out and you wouldn’t miss it at all.
She plans on using the Pearl as the flagship for the attack.
“Will we now?”
“Barbossa – you can’t release her!”
Oh, so this is why Barbossa stole the other pieces earlier? He’s got all of them now and he can release her? They aren’t magical, though, right? How does this work?
“We need to give Jack a chance.”
“Apologies, your majesty. Too long a fate has not been in me own hands. No longer.”
Good on ya, Barbossa. He’s right. Get some control.
I like getting extra close-ups of Geoffrey Rush’s facial expressions.
Plus, like I said — that’s his trick for Barbossa — final line is elongated and he does this face with the wide eyes.
“The enemy has opted for oblivion.”
The British. A silly people they are. And I say that knowing I’m descended from silly people. I’m a silly person.
Isn’t it funny how they set up for this to be a big speech, and he’s like, “So they wanna die… oblige them.”
It’s also funny how so much of this climax hinges on the burning of pieces of shit.
Just like… no, I’m not gonna finish that. But you can fill in the rest yourself.
“Be there some manner of right or incantation?”
Those ropes are still around the mast from when they tied themselves.
Barbossa’s gonna get another chance at an incantation. This motherfucker loves incantations.
I gave that bitch an incantation.
The items need to be brought together, burned —
There you go, Gibbs. That’s how you set shit on fire.
And someone must say the words “Calypso, I release you from your human bonds.”
(Try to unnotice that trick thing now.)
“Is that it?”
“They said it must be spoken as if to a lover.”
You’d think they’d make him do it. Like in The Matrix where Keanu has to make out with Monica Bellucci in front of Carrie Anne Moss.
Oh, no, he’s gonna do it. Right.
This is exactly how I talk sexy to all of my lovers.
“I release you from your human bonds.”
Haha was that his best Bill Nighy?
How’d they get her in one place to be bound in the first place?
“He didn’t say it right.”
“You have to say it right.”
This motherfucker would be on pirate Breaking Bad.
Is this is moment to come through? Is this asshole gonna have a perfect lover’s voice?
“You smell like fish heads and dirt.”
“I release you from your human bonds.”
At least his voice didn’t randomly turn into Michael Clarke Duncan or something.
Not amazing, but I guess it did the trick. I was hoping he’d open his mouth and a completely different voice would come out. I wasn’t hoping for Michael Clarke Duncan. But something a little different.
And she just came.
Well that eye’s no good.
Yes, grab the rope. That’ll do something.
She actually want that purple stuff!
“When the Brethren Court first imprisoned you, who was it that told them how? Who was it that betrayed you?”
He asks her who it was, and she immediately jumps to assuming he knows? Why’d he ask? She could have just as easily gone, “I don’t fucking know. Wish I did. I’d kill that motherfucker.”
Now you fucked everything up, Will. But Davy Jones is fucked now.
“Where can I learn to do that?”
Why are the ropes growing too?
Pretty sure that takes down the ship.
That’s a lotta woman.
You think she wants to make $14, the hard way?
This is also pretty fucking ridiculous.
This ship is about to go into a naval battle, FYI.
WHY ARE YOU STILL HOLDING THE ROPES?!!
“Calypso, I come before you as but a servant, humble and contrite.”
“I have fulfilled me vow. And now ask your favor.”
“Spare meself me ship, me crew, but unleash your fury upon those who dare pretend themselves your masters, or mine.”
That’s… kinda racist.
“Dear God, please go fuck deez bitches up. Amen.” That’s what that was.
“Look at you little people. I could bite your heads off and you couldn’t do shit about it. I could go for a burrito now. I wonder if there’s a Chipotle nearby.”
I… have no idea what the fuck she’s saying. She sounds like she has a fucking dart in her neck.
Can Beckett and his men see this? Because that’s weird. That no one looks over and goes, “That’s probably not good.”
What the fuck?!
Damn. That’s how you start a Bubba Gump Shrimping Company.
You all got crabs.
There’s no way that midget isn’t killed right now.
What are those other ships thinking right now?
What happens to her hut?
I wish she’d turned into shrimp all over Barbossa. Cause… shrimp on the Barbie.
“Is that it?”
“Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?”
“Why, she’s no help at all.”
“Nothing. Our final hope has failed us.”
Aww… just like a real God!
AHAHAHA. Mike knows what makes me laugh.
But…shit. I guess that’s that day about done.
Not just yet, Auntie Em.
These shots are nice, since it’s showing what happens to shit in cold and heat. It suddenly got cold, so you can hear the ropes contracting.
“It’s not over.”
Stop looking so… stern.
“There’s still a fight to be had.”
“We have an armada against us. And with the Dutchman, there’s no chance.”
“There’s only a fool’s chance.”
“Revenge won’t bring your father back, Miss Swann. It’s not something I’m intending to die for.”
What if it did? Jones runs a ferry. Ferries go two ways.
But they never do get into where the ferry leads them to.
If it’s New Jersey, nobody would want them back.
“You’re right. Then what shall we die for?”
“You will listen to me.”
“The Brethren will still be looking here, to us, to the Black Pearl to lead.”
“And what will they see? Frightened bilge rats upon a derelict ship?”
How about a giant fucking voodoo woman who turned into crabs?
“No. They will see free men, and freedom!”
“And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons.”
What about the flash of their titties? That would confuse them.
“They will hear the ring of our swords, and they will know what we can do!”
“And they will know what we can do”? Really?
“By the sweat of our brows, and the strength of our backs, and the courage of our hearts –”
So… by working hard, and having courage…
“Gentlemen – hoist the colors.”
Are they really gonna use the strength of their backs and work up a sweat hoisting the colors?
Impassioned speech from Keira. Her voice makes it funny. The last time she did this on this ship, they gave her a rowboat and peaced. That’d be amusing.
“Aye. The wind’s on our side, boys. That’s all we need!”
Sometimes, Gibbs does the crazy eyes.
Isn’t it great how they were all silent until he said something. They were all like, “Ehh… she’s not really one of us,” and then Gibbs puts her over the top. The only thing thing missing is the midget shouting something. These fuckers will cheer for anything.
Was about to say — that showed restraint, not writing that there. But then…hah. Restraint. That’s what we’re known for.
So is he temporary captain of that ship now that she’s pirate king?
Simple flag. I like it.
They have the simplest one.
Will, you’re fucking up the shot.
I love all those other ships in the background.
Drinking tea on a ship before a battle. As you do.
“We have a favorable wind, sir.”
Also, how can they both have a favorable wind?
“And so we do. Signal Jones to give no quarter. That should brighten his day.”
Love me some tea.
Are they really getting signals like that? Can’t Jones just teleport aboard?
Oh, does he still think she’s on the Pearl? Or is he acknowledging that she’s free? This is her, doing this weather shit, right?
Boats. Lots of boats.
How are none of these ships getting struck by lighting? How are ships not just lightning rods?
This is Calypso lightning. Just for effect.
That’s how the wind can be favorable for both of them.
Look at Barbossa!
“We need you at the helm!”
“Aye, that be true.”
AKA, “Yeah, I’m a badass.”
This is Barbossa’s real moment. Some crazy shit up ahead and Keira’s like, “Uh…I can’t drive. Can we get your bomb ass skillz perchance?”
Why can’t she drive?
She’s a woman.
“Brace up yards, you cack-handed deck apes.”
Cotton’s like, “YEAH! WE GOT THIS SHIT NOW!”
I love that we can all take glee in his glee.
“Dying is the day worth living for!”
He’s still going!
He’s so much more a badass than Jack. And actually, I’d say, the better pirate. In terms of being pirate-like.
“Pull forward, into the abyss!”
“Are you mad?!”
“Ha! You afraid to get wet?”
So they’re both gonna drop in and chase each other around, is that it?
This is actually a pretty ridiculous climax, when you look at it as a whole. But at least it’s not all part of a vision, right, Stephenie?
“More speed! All your wind and hold your water!”
They’re going in a circle, so the Pearl should be able to outpace the Dutchman for at least the half of the circle where the wind is with them.
Wouldn’t it be cool if that were the steering wheel of your car?
She actually says, “Prepare to broad side.”
This is funny. They’re all just watching these two ships chase each other around a circle.
STOP CUTTING BACK TO THIS!
For once I don’t want you to cut back to Jack.
Continuity. His bandana was ripped in the last scene with him from where Barbossa cut off his piece of eight. Even his hallucinations had the tear. I guess they forgot to do that here.
Leverage. He knows a blacksmith.
“Nobody move! I dropped me brain.”
Why is this necessary?
Necessary? What could BE more– oh, you’re right. Not necessary.
Sometimes I forget that “batten down the hatches” actually has a real application. That’s just one of those phrases that’s used more often figuratively than otherwise these days.
This shot is fucking great.
Sorta like a POV porno but with boats.
Let us all look again at that photo and appreciate the image.
I’m just gonna get every Optimus scream in this movie.
That guy got FUCKED UP.
They’re firing at each other from a LONG way away.
“It be too late to alter course now, maties.”
That’s really what Barbossa is in this franchise. He’s the guy that yells and laughs when shit gets rough.
Also, I went back and looked — Cotton is over Barbossa’s right shoulder in every single shot of him so far during this battle, from when he takes the helm. Even from different angles, and even in the shot that was primarily one of Elizabeth’s Optimus screams. Wonder if that was intentional.
It’s really the only thing he has. The parrot is gone, so really all they can do to give him screen time is to put him in the back of shots.
Though I guess he is the wheelman, right? We usually do see him on the wheel for Barbossa, except when Barbossa needs to expertly maneuver his way around shit like a boss.
my mom they’ll shoot.
Of course it’s these two. And they’re gonna get tricked the same way they did with The Interceptor. I don’t even need to watch this scene.
“I just come to get me effects.”
Why do they just leave his effects around like this for him to find them?
“Admirable though it may be – why are you here when you could be elsewhere?”
“Someone has to stay and guard the chest.”
“There’s no question. There has been a breakdown in military discipline aboard this vessel.”
“I blame the fish people.”
“Oh! So fish people. By tenant of being fish people automatically aren’t as disciplined as non fish people?”
“Seems contributory, is all I’m suggesting.”
“Well it is true, if there were no fish people, there’d be no need to guard the chest.”
“If there were no chest, we wouldn’t need to be here to guard it.”
This shot. This shot is great. This is chaos.
One thing I never got — does he know the chest is out of cannon range? Or is he just using this as an opportunity to kill this guy? Because if it’s the latter, why not do this earlier? It seems like he kills him because he has a chance to and the dude’s not expecting it, and then he just waltzes downstairs with the key to open the chest, even though the two guys are still there with the cannons. So he’s still not in any better situation now. Plus he could have always materialized down there earlier and cut those two fucks’ achilles tendons. That’s why I never got this. Why is he only doing this right now, when the chest has just become “safe”?
Ew, his face got tentacle raped.
And now Jack’s coming out. How does this work? Both ships were total chaos just a second ago, and now it’s all calm and there’s just dudes walking around? It’s like the battle’s happening but also totally not happening.
“Lookie here, boys. A lost bird that never learned to fly.”
“To my great regret.”
“But – never too late to learn, eh?”
Have I mentioned that this shit is gross?
More ridiculous flying.
No way he doesn’t fall off.
See what I mean? He can materialize anywhere. There’s no way you don’t get that chest back way earlier.
Plus, do Beckett and folk know what happens with the heart? Are they just bluffing? Do they really want to risk Jones being dead?
“The chest – hand it over.”
“I can set you free, mate.”
“My freedom was forfeit long ago.”
A Fara-mere trifle.
That joke was an Eo-win.
And now a SWORD fight? There’s no fucking way.
Honestly, though — this is a badass location for a fight scene in a pirate movie. This is one of those things you would take advantage of. It’s an easy suspension (quite literally) of disbelief to have. It’s the fact that it’s a practical location. The imagery is great (see: the above image), and you can actually picture people fighting up there. So it’s not hard to go along with it and enjoy it. Even the water wheel — you can see them doing it, so it’s not that hard to go along with it (and yet when Depp gets picked up by it, it’s stupid). Them in the cages swinging from ropes — dumb as shit. Why? Would never fucking happen. So I’m a huge fan of this fight.
And you get these kinds of angles — I almost wish they spent a little more time with this fight. But since it’s mostly CG-rendered, I understand.
Boarding over the abyss? Don’t even try to board. Just wait and repel the boarders. They’ll run out of dudes and you’ll be safe.
This is like X-Men but with ropes.
Holy shit — imagine Wolverine in a pirate movie.
Let’s do that.
Let’s make that movie.
YOU HAD ONE JOB!
Well now don’t you feel like an asshole?
Nice. Trap his sword in the wheel and punch him in the face. You don’t fuck with Barbossa.
Who’s trying to attack Barbossa? Don’t people know he isn’t a motherfucker to be trifled with?
That stab looks a little forced, Orlando. Like you were trying to sync things up. Plus it looks stupid.
“Elizabeth – will you marry me?”
Marriage proposal? Aren’t they still technically sorta engaged? They were supposed to have been married in the last movie.
“I don’t think now’s the best time!”
Well, that was seven syllables, any of which could have been used to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Could even say ‘maybe’ three times and have a syllable left to decide with.
“I love you.”
How is that going to change anything? She was gonna marry you before. She still loves you. You still love her. That has absolutely nothing to do with why she doesn’t think this is a good time.
“I’ve made my choice. What’s yours?”
This would have been better if he said, “I’ve made my choice, it’s yours,” referring to his heart, or whatever. Since this doesn’t at all mean he’s done with his father bullshit. This just means he’s decided he wants to marry her right now.
Amazing how a single word can change an entire line.
“Barbossa! Marry us!”
“I’m a little busy at the moment!”
Barbossa, marry them? That’s fucking ridiculous. I enjoy this silliness. He ain’t having NONE of your shit. But then, this whole movie’s nothing but ship captains everywhere. There’s been like 48 captains and I’ve seen like 6 ships.
I love that he hops up there to do the ceremony. Nice touch.
“Dearly beloved – we be gathered here today…”
Okay, this is so ludicrous it’s actually enjoyable. Let’s get this straight. Geoffrey Rush is performing a pirate wedding while slashing fish people on a ship that’s engaged in a battle taking place inside a giant whirlpool. If only Rush had known in 1996 that this would be his REAL moment to…shine.
“To nail your gizzards to the mast, you poxy cur!”
“Did that motherfucker say what I think he just said?”
I love that this is there, because it makes the whole thing so much more interesting. Why wouldn’t you want the guy marrying you to do and say shit like that?
Can I make sure that happens at my wedding?
“Elizabeth Swann – do you take me to be your husband?”
You fucking tool.
“Will Turner do you take me to be your wife?”
Pretty sure that’s not helping your kill ratio.
“In sickness and in health.”
“With health being the less likely.”
Oh my god, this shot.
Holy shit. How’d I miss that? This is all going very quickly, but that’s amazing.
Notice how they didn’t mention the “death do us part” part.
“As captain, I now pronounce you man and wife.”
I love that he’s fighting two people without even looking as he does this.
Ain’t got shit to say about this, other than that it’s goofy and I don’t hate it. Actually, you know what? It’s Geoffrey Rush doing it. Anyone else in this franchise doing this and I wouldn’t have been into it. But this works.
“You may kiss –”
“You may kiss –”
This would be a good image.
If they gave a shit.
This would mean a lot more if it were the first one. Not sure why they expect this to mean anything.
I guess you’d have to believe that marriage means something.
Why do you assholes continue to be allowed on this ship?
How about you do something?
Your friends are dying. How about you do something other than watch a wedding ceremony and cry?