Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Part V — “There’s So Much AIDS in Franchises”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start At World’s End. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of At World’s End:

We begin Part V with…

MIDGET WITH A BIG GUN!

Colin:

MIDGET IN THE CROW’S NEST Y’ALL

He tied himself down this time so he doesn’t fly away.

He better hope the ship doesn’t go down.

Colin:

I said the same for Kit Fisto, but those tentacles look like a serious liability.

(Notes from a Japanese studio.)

What happens if you stab him in that ink sac thing?

“You can’t do nothing without the key!”

“I already have the key.”

“No you don’t.”

“Oh, that key.”

Xerxes.

Colin:

Wow, that sucks. Got his tentacle beard cut off. Bet that hurt.

Colin:

Was this a gradual change, like the other guys, or did he just become this way? Cause I’m not sure how that claw just happened over time.

How does he scratch his balls?

Now it’s a shiv. Right to the kidneys, Jack.

Love this shot.

How did this guy change?

Also, doesn’t he look kind of like a Goomba?

That’s the face you make when a giant eel in a sailor’s suit tries to eat your head.

Nobody fucks with Barbossa.

Colin:

Rush almost got eeled. I’m glad that thing’s dead. Eels are tasty.

Colin:

You don’t look quite 100 percent, Cotton.

That actually takes some strength. Good job, Cotton.

So now they’re locked up.

That’s great. He lifts him up, sees him – “nahh” – and lowers him back down.

Shit. He just fucking launches him!

Well that worked out nicely.

“My pistol.”

Coincidence.

Colin:

There’s no precise aiming when you’re holding a pirate pistol in one hand while whipping around on a rope in a maelstrom during a tropical storm. I don’t think I could hit my own leg under those conditions.

“It’s a good thing I’m drunk because otherwise this’d never work.”

This is a nice shot.

Fuck yo conch.

And he falls over just as he swings on.

Bloom’s got the chest!

Run for the end zone.

This is the Annexation of Puerto Rico.

There’s one of these every film, isn’t there?

Oh god.

Colin:

Kinda wish there was one of THESE in every film.

Colin:

They shot the MONKEY? He can’t die, I guess.

He’s got the right stuff.

UNDEAD MONKEY OUT OF NOWHERE!

Colin:

That monkey being undead has been surprisingly useful. Although it technically belongs to Calypso.

That monkey is face fucking the shit out of him right now.

Face fucking the fish people.

A novel.

By Helen Keller.

“Thank you, Jack.”

Why are you standing there like this? Are you admiring that the tang is nearly the full width of the blade?

Colin:

Tally. Ho.

Colin:

What dickbrain is standing on the Flying Dutchman during this battle, looking at a sword with the point facing their stomach? This dickbrain. Guess what’s gonna happen, Chuck?

Colin:

And if any of this is surprising to you, you fully deserved it.

That water effect was nice.

Has he just been swinging around for the past two minutes?

You got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!

This is an accurate representation of what Sparrow has been doing all film. Just swinging around the major plot the whole time and occasionally doing somethingkra.

You’re about to get killed by your own father.

Colin:

Stellan needs to die. He’s sorta been a shitty plot point.

Tally ho, see Jones, see you don’t have a full sword, he laughs, you flee.

That is pretty funny though that he’s just laughing at him.

Not too sure why he’s running away, though.

So that thing’s pretty useless now, huh? Now that the Kraken is dead.

Colin:

Aw. It is.

Colin:

Cartoon nonsense.

Wanna see something really scary?

Colin:

This is like the dinosaur that killed Wayne Knight. Which, you wanna talk about doo doo everywhere…

Gay.

Colin:

More cartoon nonsense.

These guys are gay together, right?

And stupid.

“No, no, I got this. I’m a white woman.”

“OPTIMUS!”

Also, you guys have lots of guns just sitting there. Maybe use those.

There’s a face.

“All right, then. You’ll see no mercy from me.”

Which is great. “All right, you’re a woman. Imma still fuck you up.

“That’s why I brought this!”

I know her being taught how to fight was a hilariously bad plot device, but if it’s all the same, I like that she can now fight rather than be thrown around, screaming all the time.

Colin:

I agree. It’s bullshit, but once you get past it and just accept that she can fight, it allows for more interesting involvement. These ones are a bit more feminist-friendly than the first movie. Except for a lot of other things.

Colin:

Ewwwwwwwwwww the tentacle’s still alive eewwwwwwwww

That’s… a kill shot.

(A krill shot?)

Well… some things don’t change.

“I’m not gonna kill you. I made you a promise.”

Rape.

Colin:

Is that supposed to be blood coming out? Like, nasty, black blood? This looks pretty bad, CGI-wise.

It’s ink! Bill Nighy just inked!

So… she’s Frodo in this, right?

“Did you forget? I’m a heartless wretch.”

Colin:

Just cause he has no heart, that means he’s invincible? Jack cut off his tentacle.

That one was just… a close shave.

Colin:

Wait, so it went through where his heart WOULD have been, but blood still came out. And his tentacle got cut off. So does that mean if Bloom had stabbed him ANYWHERE else, it’d have done real damage? We don’t have rules on his invincibility. Is the heart the ONLY way to kill him? If so, what happens when he gets hacked to many pieces, which is possible?

I’m pretty sure as long as you don’t stab his heart, he’s a T-1000.

Now, aside from the nice move, doesn’t him holding onto the sword and Jones spinning around like that dislocate something?

ROUNDHOUSE KICK!

You wake up at opportune moments.

Also, what’s with the Frankie Four Fingers thing you got going on right now?

He sees it too.

Colin:

Clean this ship, someone. Pause everything and clean it up.

“Ah… love. A dreadful bond.”

Colin:

“LOVE! A dreadfull BOND-AH!” I really enjoy the way Bill Nighy says “bond,” and it’s making me want to see him as a Bond villain.

I wonder if he’d be better as a villain or one of those allies like Kerim Bey. Either way — put this guy in one of those movies. It can only be good.

“And yet, so easily severed.”

“Tell me, William Turner –”

“Do you feel dead?”

Colin:

He IS saying “Do you fear death,” right? That’s what he’s saying, according to IMDB. And the script. Shit, it really sounds like “Do you feel dead?”

Seriously? Because I’ve heard nothing but “Do you feel dead?” all these years.

That line makes more sense, but on the other hand — the Depp line earlier is shittier now because of that.

“Do you?”

Well, the chest is getting clean. So there’s that.

“Ain’t it tonic, holding life and death in the palm of one’s hands.”

What if Jones picked up one of Cortes’ coins? What would happen then?

Is the Caribbean just full of magical horcruxes?

“You’re a cruel mind, Jack Sparrow.”

Colin:

Bill Nighy just says EVERYTHING awesomely.

“Cruel is a matter of perspective.”

“Is it?”

Colin:

Oh, I bet that smarts.

Told you. Surprised O-face.

Twist that shit.

Colin:

That’s actually quite a good angle.

That’s actually quite a good face.

Should you be putting your hand on the blade like that?

That’s how you get AIDS.

Colin:

And the sword. It’s finally gotten Will.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

It’s bleeding all over his hand.

This really is how you get AIDS.

I like the rain drops on the sword.

That’s a great image, a closeup of a sword with rain drops on it.

Oh, Bubba, noo.”

He’s gonna die a virgin.

What is wrong with your FACE?

“William.”

Vader.

Colin:

Now Stellan’s gonna go Vader.

Colin:

Trinity?

His hair is too long for that.

“You will not forestall my judgment!”

Colin:

Seriously, can Bill Nighy do a podcast in this voice, or something?

Davy Jones’ Diary.

Colin:

WHY DO WE HAVE ALL THE GOOD IDEAS

You know how fucking unsanitary that is?

Also — idea — a heart shaped tuba.

Just don’t empty the spit valve.

Colin:

Voldemort felt that one.

That’s what it feels like when you have chicken fried steak.

Weird how he’s not dead instantly.

So, how does this count as Will? That means Jack could have made anyone stab the heart and it would have counted as them. These rules are really vague.

What if they had the monkey stab the heart? Or the parrot?

~~“I never saw Venice!”~~

“Calypso.”

Colin:

Do you have that time to turn around and then whisper a name after you’ve been stabbed in the heart?

He can’t feel his legs.

There goes some good calamari.

So… does he go to his own Locker now?

“She’s taking us down! Make quick or it’s the Locker for us all!”

This is how I picture Barbossa always. Behind the wheel of the ship, shouting like a gleeful maniac.

It soothes me.

These fuckers aren’t dead yet?

“The Dutchman must have a captain.”

So, why don’t you be captain?

Colin:

Looks like he could open a fucking Red Lobster with just the shit growing on him.

He’s dead.

Wipe yourself off.

She’s trying to make him not die by telling him not to.

Man, I’m sick of these white women.

Faces.

Colin:

Ew, now they’re all gonna forget about the battle and everything so they can come on deck and cut out Will’s heart?

With a knife that was just stuck in that dirty ass ship.

This is seriously how you get AIDS, people.

Also, I like how that’s of paramount importance even though the fucking SHIP IS GOING DOWN.

All that saltwater is going right into his wound.

So, if he didn’t pull her away, they’d stab her?

GPOY

So, Stellan Skarsgard is gonna perform major heart surgery with a bait knife and hands that look like that.

Seriously, you’re just asking for AIDS.

LOOK HOW DIRTY THAT FUCKING GUN IS

What’s on that dude’s eye?

Colin:

I’m sure it doesn’t look nice, seeing his heart cut out.

Monkeys like watching people’s hearts get cut out. Such is known.

A parachute? Really?

Colin:

Yeah, that works. Parasail off this mystical vessel in a whirlpool. Uh huh.

Jack Sparrow — so righteous.

There goes the Dutchman.

And Will.

Colin:

Cool, but…still, no.

You think the other monkeys watching this are really excited?

Colin:

All I can think is The Right Stuff.

“Thank goodness, Jack. The armada’s still out there, the Endeavor’s coming up hard a-starboard, and I think it’s time we embraced that oldest and noblest of pirate traditions.”

Colin:

Oh right, they still have a real battle to fight.

“Never actually been one for tradition.”

They’re arguing about what to do.

Colin:

“BELAY! BELAY! STOW! BELAY!” This is what I’m going to yell at people trying to make arguments. Maybe if I get approached by a Mormon missionary again.

Seriously, what’s everyone else thinking right now?

Where did all those other ships even come from?

“What are they waiting for?”

“He expects us to honor our agreement.”

It’s pretty funny how they keep making deals with him even though he never honors them.

But I guess that’s what makes him such a good villain. They have to make deals with them.

“It’s nothing personal, Jack. It’s just good business.”

That’s a shitload of cannons.

Colin:

Damn. The Endeavour makes The Dauntless look like a vagina.That thing has cannons for DAYS.

Colin:

Might be just me, but it looks like the ship is giving a thumbs up. Also, that guy on the top deck is SHITFACED.

Colin:

The Dutchman comes up again, and it’s gonna be Will, right? Maybe he’ll sacrifice himself.

Maybe he’ll explain everything that just happened.

How does that undo everything that happened? Shouldn’t it be gradual, based on the job they do?

Colin:

Ew, they’re all changed back, but slimy. I guess it’s better than when they were nasty and slimy.

“Ready on the guns!”

Colin:

That shit healed right quick.

“Full canvas!”

“Aye! Full canvas!”

Colin:

Time to get some.

Colin:

Notice how they just went through a fucking hell of a battle, and both of them look totally fine?

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

You is fucked.

Colin:

Damn, I dunno. that thing still outguns both of them on each side.

“Orders, sir?”

“Fire.”

Colin:

He put a little sexy in that “fire.”

Colin:

And now we get everyone saying it? Cause why not?

“Orders, sir?!”

“It’s just – good business.”

Colin:

I love the way he goes out. He knows. It’s done. He’s the guy who just throws down his king when the chess game’s done. No moving it around those last three or four times before checkmate. That’d be bad business.

Colin:

He’s just accepting his fate. But for the dudes who are trying to get him to give orders…why wouldn’t you just fire? Don’t value propriety more than your life.

Colin:

This is great. This is some Michael Bay shit.

Colin:

How is he not getting wood shards through his heart like 41 times a second?

CREDITS.

Colin:

Seriously, though, how unacceptable was that [whole franchise]?

Colin:

Goddamn.

Colin:

They were firing into it pretty point-blank and at different levels, too. How did some of the cannonballs not fly through or past and hit the opposite ship?

Colin:

Well, that’s that.

♫ “Look down! Look down!” ♫

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

P.S. How much fun is it gonna be when we get to that franchise?

Colin:

I’m worried it’ll be too serious. We’ll see.

Colin:

Nice, with the body on the flag. Glorious shot.

“They’re turning away!”

He’s like the exposition yeller of the crew. Whatever he says, people cheer. And it’s always whatever’s going on in the horizon.

Which is funny, since, logistically, he’s least able to see the horizon.

Colin:

This midget pretty much just yells about whatever the enemy’s doing.

Colin:

Got my ~~helmet~~ parrot back!

Colin:

Look at Barbossa. He was ready. He wanted that fight.

And so the comic reliefs converge.

Also, when did they change clothes?

Colin:

There’s a bootleg torii gate on this ship. On the right side of the shot. That’s a Shinto thing. Japan. Not Singapore, or even China. And no, not ‘close enough.’

Look at Don Flamenco over here.

What’s great about all of these people – they did nothing.

These people actually did nothing during all of that.

Colin:

Everyone’s dancing. Like these other pirates did shit.

Colin:

What a gentleman.

This is like that Cage pachinko commercial.

Colin:

CRAZY ASIAN BITCH, WHAT?

“Let us throw our hats.”

Colin:

Keith approves.

“Mr. Gibbs –”

“Captain?”

“You may throw my hat, if you like.”

“Hooray!”

“Now go and get it.”

Colin:

Don’t fuck wit my hat.

“Orders, sir?”

Nice framing.

“You are no longer bound to the Dutchman. You’re free.”

“Aye, that’s a fine thing. But by my reckoning, I still have a debt that has to be paid. If you’ll have me.”

Colin:

Notice that they get around Stellan Skarsgard’s accent by having him speak low and gruff.

“On the wheel, then, Mr. Turner.”

“Aye, Captain Turner.”

Colin:

Wait. Does that mean that until now there was nobody on the wheel? The only reason there’s someone STEERING THE BOAT is that your dad came looking for a job and you decided to let him do it?

“This ship has a purpose again. And where we are bound, she cannot come.”

“One day ashore, ten years at sea. That’s a steep price for what’s been done.”

I love how exposition is genetic.

Colin:

I’m confused as to whose rule this is and why it applies. The heart bit…Davy Jones cut out his own heart to go in the chest because he couldn’t stand the pain of loving Calypso, right? So why do they need to now replace his heart with Will’s? Why can’t it just be that he stabbed the heart, but then has to take Jones’ place? Why does taking his place include having his heart cut out, too?

“Depends on the one day.”

They gonna fuck like crazy.

“Your chariot awaits, your highness.”

Colin:

Or, “We offer this dinghy for you to fuck in.”

“The oars are inside.”

That’s great! A HA HA HA HA.

Is this the Oz moment? “I’m gonna miss you most of all, Scarecrow.”

Colin:

This is funny, cause they’re all like, “Hah. You’re finally gonna lose that V-card.

“Mrs. Turner.”

Holy shit, look at that guy behind him.

You and your little monkey.

“Goodbye, Poppet.”

Aww… an arc.

“I don’t even know who you people are.”

Also, doesn’t this guy look like Martin Freeman?

Colin:

THAT’S who he looked like! It was killing me!

“Jack –”

“It would never have worked out between us.”

That was the perfect thing to say.

“Keep telling yourself that, darling.”

“Once is quite enough!”

A HA HA HA he doesn’t trust that bitch.

Colin:

Good for you, Jack. Don’t let women repay their debts with kisses. Demand hard currency.

Last time she did that she killed his ass.

I wouldn’t trust the bitch neither.

“Thank you.”

Colin:

The Lost Patrol?

The lost panties.

Colin:

Why are you stopping? Did you go like seven times already? If not, you got no business sitting there.

“I’m gonna need the other one.”

God DAMN, son.

Colin:

Boot. Leg.

This close to being his father’s nickname.

Also, were they just fucking on the sand? Could the people on the Pearl look over and see him doing her, standing doggystyle over by the rocks?

Colin:

She’s glowing. Just got fucked face. I’ll give you 1000 to 1 she’s pregnant.

Isn’t it great that we now know the rules of franchises based on what their rules for fucking are?

Thanks, Twilight!

(Who thought we’d ever say that?)

(I was gonna throw in “non-sarcastically,” but it’s impossible to say that sentence without at least 15% sarcasm.)

Pretty sure that’s not Keira Knightley’s leg. There’s too much meat on that bone.

Colin:

Gimli knows what to do with that. Too bad she married Legolas.

Colin:

Apparently getting fucked also had the effect of washing her nasty hair.

I hope you didn’t finger her with those.

The homeless man is back.

Goddamn, this is a suggestive shot.

Colin:

What’s going on? Does she smell pizza?

“It’s nearly sunset.”

Way to kill the mood, buddy.

You can bang out one more before it’s time to go.

Hell, she can probably get two or three.

God DAMN.

Where’s she get THAT dress?

Did Alice send it?

Is he gonna write her a letter at sea with the word ‘cunt’ in it?

Because I’m pretty sure that’s where that dress came from.

Because she didn’t have that shit earlier.

And why does it have to be black? Are we really adhering to the “white = virtue” thing?

Colin:

I like this dress. Mm.

Colin:

Ew, the same chest? Davy Jones’ heart was bleeding into that for decades. You’ve probably got AIDS now. There’s so much AIDS in franchises.

There’s So Much AIDS in Franchises.

“It’s always belonged to you.”

Technically, it’s always belonged to you.

Keep it secret, keep it safe.

She’s Keira Knightley.

Is it weird that I see this shot and think, “female Sean Connery”?

Colin:

It is weird, but now that you’ve said it, I see it too. So thanks for that. RIP, my boner.

She should throw it over her shoulder right now.

“Yes.”

He should go in to kiss, say, “All, right, thanks, tat a!” and then peace.

Oh shit he actually did peace!

NICE ONE GINNY!

“Will!”

Colin:

This might be the last time we hear them yell each other’s names. One can hope.

ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD!

I understand. Wait for better lighting conditions.

They timed that shit just right with the wave.

How long do you think they waited for that shot?

“Keep a weather eye on the horizon.”

He said that last movie. Fat lotta good that did. He’s dead now.

Colin:

Did they set a date for when they’re meeting next? “Okay, in 10 years, October 23rd, I’ll see you in front of the Barnes and Noble in Port Royal at 10am.” “Do you really think that’s still gonna be there in 10 years?” “Good point. The McDonald’s next to it, then. Actually, do you think it’d be possible to make my one day ashore in the next decade coincide with the McRib?”

Now that I think about it, why wouldn’t she be able to meet him at sea? They have a job to do, but they could make it even once a YEAR and that’d be better. Meet up on the ocean somewhere.

Here’s another question — does he show up on the first day after the decade is up, or does he save it? Since you know in ten years she’s gonna have a kid from this (hopefully his, but one never knows), and will probably have to deal with school, parent-teacher conferences, working a couple of jobs just to pay the rent, her history of piracy, being shunned for being a single mother in the 18th century, and all of the general white woman problems that they had back then (I’m sure the consumption is in there somewhere). And it’s not like he’s just gonna be able to drop off and leave the job. (Though I guess, with things the way they’re going, he won’t have as much of a job to do in ten years. Shit, after a certain point, you just have to work on Titanic day and like twice a year, just to collect the assholes who drowned. Can there be a deleted scene of some drunk asshole who tried to do a backflip off the local pier and drowned because he went back for his beer being picked up by the Dutchman and press-ganged into joining the crew? Because by the law of this franchise, that is what’ll eventually happen, right?)

But my question is — does he go on that one day so he can hurry up and get the next ten years going? And also, does he need to constantly be over where those bodies are all the time? Or can he ferry them off once a certain number has built up? There must be boundaries. 9-5 office hours or something. Can’t she just go asea and fuck him when he’s not ferrying bodies? But let’s stick with the original question. Do you go the first day? How do you know she’s gonna be there? You know he will. He’s been getting his dick literally wet for ten years in the hopes for getting it figuratively wet, so he’ll be there ready to fuck something. How do you coordinate this shit? I’m guessing the crew can go ashore more than you can, so do you send them? Can Stellan Skarsgard just go ashore and hang out with her whenever he wants?

I have so many questions, and there’s so little time left.