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Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Part I — “Gotta Get Dem Vittles”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start On Stranger Tides.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the first part of On Stranger Tides:

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Personalized logo.

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Well that’s a shitty opening shot.

Colin:

We open on water. No shit.

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Not getting any better.

Colin:

What a shittly little boat you have. I hope you didn’t pay for that.

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“I only caught five.”

Colin:

Are they Mexican? Spanish?

It looks like you guys are… straining, a bit.

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Colin:

Dead guy.

Did they know they had a dead guy in here? Couldn’t they feel it? What were you fishing for? Were they looking for this guy? Why were you looking for this guy? How did you know he was gonna be here?

This is a bad start, when they just show us something and expect us to go along with it just because.

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Colin:

Jason Bourne? 18th Century Jason Bourne.

“I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six ships on the dock.”

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Maybe that’s Cotton.

Oh… do you think Cotton’s dead?

That would be sad.

Especially given what we find out later.

Also, why is he clutching all the seaweed on his chest?

And why hasn’t he been devoured by fish yet?

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Technically this is how the first movie began, too.

Except with a child instead of the creepy old neighbor from Home Alone.

And better writing and direction.

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Wow… this… looks shitty.

Colin:

This is all very Wishbone all of a sudden.

Wouldn’t it be great if they had Wishbone dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow?

Wouldn’t it be great if they had Wishbone come back?

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Just in case you weren’t sure how those horses were pulling that carriage.

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Shire. Baggins.

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This could be Sleepy Hollow and you wouldn’t know.

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This could be The Patriot and you wouldn’t know.

Though I do appreciate how much this looks like a soundstage.

Still, the fourth entry in a pirate franchise when the first three looked like they did, it’s probably not best to start looking like the opening of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

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Colin:

Unnecessary titles.

Completely unnecessary titles.

But the good thing we can take out of this is that it clearly shows a lot of the things that piss me off about movies nowadays. It’s all this little shit that annoys the fuck out of me that subtly indicates a lack of assumed intelligence (and an actual lack of intelligence — because I’ve been to a preview screening, there is a reason for it) in the viewing audience. Things like that, the changing of subtitle numbers from roman numerals to actual numbers, the way they give exposition — it’s annoying as fuck and hurts me to see, because it’s like they’re not even trying to make the audience think and aren’t even trying to be a little more artful about showing things.

Why do we need to know this is Cadiz? Can’t we see the Spanish architecture and the Spanish guys and go, “Well this must be Spain”? Plus, we don’t spend ANY time here at all. So why do we need to know where it is? We just need to know the Spanish are after the Fountain. We don’t need this title to understand that.

And then later, they do the title thing again (soon, actually), which is even WORSE. But I’ll get to that when we get to it.

It disgusts me, though. Things like this. And every time I bring it up, people never understand what I’m talking about.

It’s this. Things like this. At any point during the trilogy, were you confused about where you were? Maybe you were confused about who was fucking over who and what was going on within the plot, but never did you go, “Oh, where is this place?” Because it DIDN’T MATTER. Sure, we were in the Caribbean, but it’s not fucking hard to differentiate continents. Or, you know, show these guys now and later mention, “Hey — the SPANISH are after this shit too.”

But I guess people will only really start listening to me when we get a title car that says “Tortuga.”

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Hey, assholes, how about letting the nice shots linger? You know we don’t give a fuck about this plot, right?

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Seriously, this is a great set, and I should have about five more shots of this if you were doing your jobs correctly.

Also — have you heard of any other lighting choices except “dark” or the “cool/warm” distinction?

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Colin:

Why are they bringing the not dead guy to such a nice place?

Isn’t that what pets do?

The cat just comes inside with a dead bird like, “Look what I found!”

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Is that Spanish Orlando Bloom?

Colin:

V-neck much, man? What’s the point of even WEARING a shirt? I can see your belly button.

And your hair is borrowed from Sally Field from 1977.

I don’t even think that counts as a v-neck, because there is no neck. Pretty sure that thing can double as a banana hammock.

Also — total Sally Field hair.

I also like those walls they have on the side.

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Again – how are you not taking advantage of all the good images you can be having right now?

(P.S. I haven’t watched this since the midnight showing in theaters. And since we just watched the last three right before this… there’s gonna be a lot of this throughout these articles.)

Seriously — you have this image, and this is a fucking dead guy and three people we don’t know and will really never meet again in any real way.

What are you doing, Rob Marshall?

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“What is this?”

Colin:

“Well it WAS a belated birthday present… dick.”

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Also, shouldn’t you ask “WHO is this?”

Maybe it’s Master Roshii.

But… they think he’s found it.

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Also, why the fuck are you starting with this? We don’t give a fuck about these people, we never will. Why would you start your movie on a boring note like this?

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“Ponce de Leon.”

Colin:

Okay, so we saw his shit on the map at the end of the last movie. Apparently he ISN’T dead, although I still take issue with the date on that map.

Also — all he said was “Ponce de Leon.” If you found me out of the water and all I said was “Dwight D. Eisenhower,” would you think I knew some shit about him? It’s crazy how he says that and they all go, “We’ve got it!”

How about explaining who this guy is and why him saying that name is important? Because did you send him out earlier? Is he 200 years old? What’s the deal here? Weird how you give us the title exposition but not the STORY exposition.

On an unrelated note — isn’t it weird that Teddy Roosevelt and DMX were in the same group?

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Your collars are too much.

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Well, I guess that answers one question.

Not sure why the guy needed to say anything at all, though.

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“The Fountain of Youth.”

He is Spanish Orlando.

Colin:

This guy’s pretty familiar with his history. If I was a Spanish king or whatever, I’d be chilling and doing nothing. Plus, Spain in the mid 1700s? Talk about a has-been-o.

They can’t even afford full shirts!

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“How soon can you sail?”

How soon can you fix that gap in your teeth and fill in the rest of that moustache?

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“With the tide.”

Colin:

This motherfucker’s ready to sail, he’s been ready to sail all his motherfuckin’ life, his suit’s so tight!

And why would you be ready to sail at the tide? Are all his dudes on standby constantly to leave for a potentially YEARLONG journey to the Americas at a moment’s notice? That shit usually takes a little while. Are they changing out the fresh water complement every day to make sure it’s still fresh when they have to leave? This seems unrealistic.

This movie seems unrealistic.

And I want you to know, I went along with the fucking Cortes curse better than I’ll go along with anything that happens in this movie.

It strains credulity, at that.

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Colin:

Drip drip drip.

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So that’s how we start our movie.

Remember how the other two pre-title sequences went? We met Elizabeth, Norrington, Gibbs and Will. We got characterization on all of them, and set up what was to essentially be the major story arc and conflict in the film. The other one — they hung like a hundred pirates until they sang, and Beckett said something that was cold-blooded as shit.

Here? We saw something that could have been cut out entirely and it wouldn’t fucking matter with some people who we’ll never see again, save one guy, who won’t show up until the very end (basically), and won’t fucking matter.

This franchise has gone way downhill in the span of about four minutes.

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All we need over this is Tom Jones hitting a high note for fourteen seconds.

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Should have started with this.

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This is a problem. When they tell us where we are. As if we couldn’t fucking guess it was London. What other city in the world is gonna look like this? Seriously.

Colin:

More unnecessary titles.

Also, look at that arch up above. Gore Verbinski would’ve known what to do with that.

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Colin:

Hooray! Public execution! But things are spelled too modernly.

We neede more randome ‘e’s.

Also, Sparrow’s name isn’t on that list.

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You have to love a place where public executions are like a fucking carnival. Just handing out toys and shit.

Also, I want one of those.

That’s like something the Addams Family would have.

Also one unrelated thing — what happened to the 90s? All those sequels with great pun subtitles. Sister Act II: Back in the HabitAddams Family ValuesAir Bud: Golden Retriever. Why have we lost that?

And I won’t even get into the fact that we don’t use roman numerals anymore. (Which I see as an inherent sign in the dumbing down of the general culture.) We’ll leave that out of it.

Colin:

Hey, yeah. What the hell, people? Roman numerals require you to remember like 6 letters.

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Colin:

Who’s getting hung? Jack?

Looking at those swords — what kind of dildos do you think they had back then? Wood? Glass? I know they had them. They found dildos from the 13th century or something in Japan or China. They had to make them out of something. And something lesser for poor people.

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“Hurry, papa, or we’ll miss the hangings.”

What’s funny is, I bet it was actually like this back then.

And then the father is like, “It’s not a hanging, dear, it’s a trial. … the hanging comes this afternoon.”

Colin:

You must wait for the inevitable spectacle of someone strangling.

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Somebody teach Rob Marshall what a wide shot is.

Colin:

England’s so unpleasant. Or was.

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Time for a trial.

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Colin:

That clearly isn’t Depp. Too big. Gibbs? Let it be Cotton. Please let it be Cotton. “Have you anything to say in your defense? …no?”

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Seriously – there are shots here. And they’re not utilizing them. That’s a major red flag.

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Apple basket? You think that’s Barbossa’s mother?

Colin:

That kid’s got his head between the columns like they were titties.

His father’s passing.

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Look at those fucking wigs.

Colin:

Look at those fucking Whigs.

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It’s the trial of Captain Jack Sparrow.

(It looks like that guy’s scalp is coming off.)

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How do you make that mistake?

Wouldn’t they know Sparrow has a tattoo on his forearm?

Then again, they managed to find a phony Jean Valjean, so I guess I shouldn’t underestimate their poor identification mechanisms.

I wonder how many people got executed for someone else back then.

It must have been easy as fuck to do illegal shit and get away with it back then. Just fake your own death, get some other asshole to take the fall, and break out.

It makes me kind of upset how that can’t happen anymore.

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Cool idea for a shot.

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Is that Dee Snider?

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More wads of cash like that.

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Presiding over the trials – “Justice Smith.”

Colin:

The judge’s name is Smith? So it’ll be Jack. That’s a callback.

Old white men be shifty.

Also — seriously, with his scalp.

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“Now… what do we have here?”

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Colin:

And…yup.

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“Jack?”

You moron.

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“Jack – Sparrow is not my name. My name is Joshamee Gibbs.”

I love that his name is Joshamee.

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“Is that so? It says Jack Sparrow here.”

Where does one get fake facial hair?

Is that a merkin?

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“I told them, I am not Jack Sparrow, who I would be happy to identify to the court if it would help my case.”

Colin:

Have they had a falling out, or something?

I used to think it was cause Jack let him take the rap for him, but I think this is more Gibbs being like, “Don’t you fuck me on this. If you have something to say, I might be saying something myself.”

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“Oh, I think that would be a poor defense, unless you want to be bludgeoned again like a harp seal.”

Clubbing seals is funny.

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“The prisoner claims of being innocent of being Jack Sparrow, how do you find?”

Remember when trials were like this?

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“No trial, we’re only here to examine the evidence.”

Aren’t you still hanging him? Also, isn’t it not a trial if you’re gonna judge him?

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“Foreman, your finding – guilty?”

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“Guilty verdict means he’ll hang.”

I thought this wasn’t a trial.

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Colin:

Damn, bitch, clean your grubby titties.

I like that that other lady is just smiling at the camera.

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“Guilty?”

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“That’s not fair!”

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“The crime of which you’ve been found guilty of is being innocent of being Jack Sparrow.”

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“I hereby commute your sentence, and order that you be imprisoned for the remainder of your miserable, moribund, mutton-chopped life.”

Colin:

I’m assuming this is his plan.

I like that he likes alliteration.

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Colin:

Seriously. Grubby ass titties. And this is a movie, so you know they gave her that outfit and then someone told her, “Okay, now grub your titties up. We’re shooting in five minutes and you need to look unwashed.”

Some makeup lady had to dabble those.

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That guy looks like he’s getting himself a nice squeeze right now.

Also, the grubby titties are one thing — look at those TEETH!

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That’s how you flip off a wig.

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“Thanks very much.”

Colin:

Just a wig and a robe. Shouldn’t judge a judge by its cover.

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I want to own my own backlot one day. And have sets like this just laying around. That’s all I’d do, is have people shoot movies on them. I fucking love the idea of a studio backlot. And they just destroy shit now. But in the 50s, they’d shoot dozens of movies on the same sets.

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“Ta.”

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This is why you have people.

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This is actually pretty funny. He jogs over to get into prison, and the guy’s like, “What the fuck?” and then shrugs it off.

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Colin:

But if I were them, I wouldn’t trust this dude. Jump out part way there. The door’s open.

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Fuck, I love backlots.

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“Hell’s teeth. Now we’re both headed for prison.”

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“Don’t worry, I’ve paid off the driver. Ten minutes, we’ll be outside London town, horses waiting. Tonight we’ll make the coast. Then it’s just a matter of finding a ship.”

The fact that he explains all this to him lets you know it won’t work. Jack never explains things this plainly.

Colin:

He’s bought everyone off, naturally. Why the fuck are they in London in the first place?

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Correct. Plan, booze.

Colin:

Drinking in the paddywagon. Yes.

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Colin:

This would almost be a shot if so many other movies ()

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“What happened to you, Gibbs?”

Great time to ask that question.

“I thought you were employed elsewhere or otherwise engaged.”

I don’t like that we’re playing catch-up on these two. I don’t want to know what they did. That’s the beauty of these guys. We can just drop in and be caught up.

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“Aye, but I always listened like a thief for news of the Black Pearl. Nobody’s seen where she next might make port. Then, I hear a rumor – Jack Sparrow’s in London with a ship, and looking for a crew.”

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“Am not.”

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But that’s what Gibbs heard. He’s signing up men tonight

“Pub called the Captain’s Daughter.”

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“Am not.”

Colin:

Was Jack actually doing this shit? Does he not want Gibbs to come? Is he having a lovely garden party and Gibbs isn’t invited?

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My peanut.

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“Well, I thought it at bit odd. But then again, you’ve never been the most predictable of sorts.”

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“Tell me something – there is another Jack Sparrow out there, sullying my good name?”

This was the basis for the Bourne Supremacy novel.

Too bad they didn’t do this like that.

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“An impostor.”

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“Indeed. But – an impostor with a ship.”

“And in need of a crew.”

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“Which, fate would have it, so am I.”

Also, the other way you can tell this won’t work out well for them – we’re spending too much time inside this carriage.

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“How ‘bout you, Jack?”

NO! Why would you do that?

This movie is already beyond redemption. That’s all I needed to hear.

I will say it over and over – the worst line in the history of movie dialogue is “What/How about you?” It’s awful. It’s blatant exposition set up and it feels like someone stabbed me in the dick every time I hear it.

That line actually hurts my soul, and is the harbinger of a bad movie.

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“Last I heard you were hell bent on finding the Fountain of Youth. Any luck?”

Colin:

Gotta go get that fountain. I hope it’s a regular drinking fountain. Do they still have those in schools? I used to drink a shit ton of water out of those. Kids behind me all going, “Leave some for the fishes!”

I used to get, “You can’t drink from here. Your kind has to drink from the other fountain.”

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“Circumstances arose, and forced a compelling insight regarding discretion and valor.”

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“Meaning you gave up.”

“I did not!”

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“I am still bent. Hellishly so. I shall taste those waters, Master Gibbs. Mark my words.”

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Oh, wow — they stop at the right moment even. I’m not too much against that, since that happens a lot in this franchise.

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“Oh – short trip.”

And a sudden stop.

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That’s a lot of people.

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Colin:

Well…y’all fucked?

I like the pull backs. That’s… something.

And this framing. So at least we have this shot.

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“All part of the plan, yes?”

Colin:

This is why I told you to jump out.

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“No.”

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Currency really is the currency of the realm.

Colin:

Aw. I miss Beckett.

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Seriously, this shot.

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Nice ceiling.

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Colin:

This is a real place. I know this place. Where is this?

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That’s great. Because fuck it, why make it easy for them? Enjoy it.

Colin:

I guess you just kinda chill and let them drag you. Let them do the work.

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Colin:

Look at this one on the left. What a dork.

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Colin:

Nice place to be locked up.

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This is like The Usual Suspects.

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The Usual Suspects but with pastries.

Colin:

Gotta get dem vittles, baby.

Dem Vittles.

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No dialogue.

They’re trying to redeem themselves. Plus this location.

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Nice framing.

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Colin:

I need a mural door.

Fuck yeah. Mural doors.

And doors behind bookcases.

Seriously, we’d make great rich people.

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Colin:

Why’s he not wanna get caught? Just eat that shit in front of them.

Exactly. That’s cold, to just eat other people’s food without any nervousness at all.

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This shot. Coming through the mural door.

You know why this scene works? Because the space dictates they shoot it a certain way. It’s impossible to fuck up.

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Colin:

Well that’s not ridiculous.

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Damn. Shots.

Where was this before?

Also, how much better would it have been if it opened like that? And this is how we started our movie?

I mean, it’ll still have problems, but it’s preferable to meeting people we’ve never seen before.

That’s what happens when you don’t have the Keira/Orlando storyline to pace the Sparrow stuff.

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Colin:

You look like a dork.

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YEAH, RICHARD GRIFFITHS!

Colin:

Awwwww but it’s Richard Griffiths, you guys!

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Colin:

These don’t look like clothes it’d be fun to be fat in.

Those Aren’t ‘Fun to Be Fat In’ Clothes

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“You are Jack Sparrow?”

So here’s a question — did they know they had Gibbs? Did they know Sparrow would come for him? Were they just waiting for Sparrow to show up so they could get him and have this meeting? That seems kind of convoluted and something we just rolled over for the sake of moving the plot along.

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“There should be a ‘captain’ in there somewhere.”

Nice line.

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“I have heard of you. And you know who I am.”

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“Face is familiar – have I threatened you before?”

And we’re just literally repeating lines.

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YEAH ROGER ALLAM TOO!

But yeah, that’s the king he’s in the presence of.

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If this were anyone but Richard Griffiths, this would be stupid. But because it’s him, this is fucking amazing.

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“George Augustus, Duke of Brunswick-Luneburg, Arch Treasurer and Prince Elector of the Holy Roman Empire, King of Great Britain and Ireland, and of you.”

Colin:

He is Arthur, King of the Britons.

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“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

Weird how he doesn’t know the king.

Even for Jack Sparrow, this is pretty stupid.

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“I have been informed that you have come to London to procure a crew for your ship.”

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“Vicious rumor, not true.”

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“Then you lied to me when you told me you were Jack Sparrow.”

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“I am Jack Sparrow, but I’m not here to procure a crew. That is someone else.”

Colin:

Britishes always do this. He is Jack Sparrow, he’s not there to get a crew. Is that so hard?

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“Ah – someone else named Jack Sparrow.”

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“You brought me the wrong wastrel.”

Colin:

Note to self: Use the word ‘wastrel’ ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

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“Find me the proper one and dispose of this impostor.”

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“Wait, wait, wait, hang on here.”

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“I’m Jack Sparrow – the one and only – and I am in London.”

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“To procure a crew. To undertake a voyage –”

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“Will someone please remove these infernal chains?”

Colin:

I like that. Get the chains off. Only, he ain’t Palpatine.

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“Come, come.”

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Colin:

Literally every shot of Richard Griffiths is amazing.

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“We know you’re in possession of a map.”

So why didn’t you search him and take said map?

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This is where he thinks, “How do you know what?” But they speed past it and it never amounts to anything. Maybe spend a second on this to make the reveal in a second be better.

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“Have you a map?”

Colin:

Where’s that map now? Wouldn’t they have just taken it? And did you notice how not 30 minutes ago, a court was ready to try and execute the man they thought to be Jack Sparrow? And yet this makes it look like it was on the king’s agenda to meet him today?

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I will include every one of his facial expressions. This man is a treasure.

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“No.”

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“Where is it?”

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“The truth?”

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“I lost it. Quite recently, in fact.”

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“I have a report the Spanish have located the Fountain of Youth.”

Colin:

Richard Griffiths hated the Spanish. That much we can all agree upon.

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I fucking love Richard Griffiths.

Imagine watching him do this on set. I wouldn’t stop laughing.

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“I will not –”

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“Have some –”

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“Melancholy Spanish monarch –”

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“A catholic!”

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“Gain eternal life!”

Colin:

He REALLY hates the Spanish.

Such is known.

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This is nice. That little look. “Are you done? Can I have this strawberry now?”

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“You do know the way to the Fountain?”

Does he know the way to San Jose?

Probably not. Because it wasn’t founded yet.

Though, depending on where we are, chronologically, it will be really fucking soon.

Colin:

So Jack’s gonna be a privateer now?

That sounds like the name of a superhero who just wears a bunch of dicks on his head.

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“Of course I do. Look at me.”

That’s the best answer for everything. “Of course I know that. Look at me.”

He took a rally course.

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“With your permission, your heiny – you will be providing, then, a ship?”

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“And a crew?”

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Why did they make this so obvious?

And how does no one react to him doing this shit? He used to be subtler about this sort of stuff.

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“And a captain.”

Colin:

Oh, but someone else has to be captain. Let it be Barbossa.

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You already know what it is.

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My only thought here was, “Man – they made him lose a leg?”

Colin:

What? Barbossa lost his leg? Must’ve been climbing up the topsails.

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“Afternoon, sire.”

Colin:

That wig clashes with his beard.

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“If I may be so bold – why is that man not in chains? He must be manacled at once.”

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“Center of my palace? Hardly.”

I love Richard Griffiths.

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“Hector. How nice to see a fellow pirate make good of himself.”

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“Pirate? Nay. Privateer. On a sanctioned mission under the authority and protection of the crown.”

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So luscious.

He got that Cowardly Lion hair.

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“As may be, but first – what has become of my beloved Pearl?”

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“I lost the Pearl as I lost my leg!”

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“Lost the Pearl?!”

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“Aye. I defended her mightily enough, but she sunk nonetheless.”

Colin:

The Pearl’s gone? They couldn’t just do that. There’s no way it’s not showing up again.

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That is the proper reaction.

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“If that ship be sunk properly, you should be sunk with it.”

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Colin:

I don’t think pirates do that whole, “Captain goes down with the ship” thing. I wouldn’t. Fuck that.

I love that line, though.

Plus it gives him greater motivation for the end of Dead Man’s Chest.

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“Captain Barbossa – each second we tarry, the Spanish outdistance us.”

Colin:

Can’t let the Spanish outdistance you. Never let a Spaniard outdistance you.

Never Let a Spaniard Outdistance You.

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“I have every confidence you will prevail and be rewarded with the high station you so desire.”

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Give this man more closeups and let him say shit.

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“You, sir, have stooped.”

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“Jack, our sands be all but run. Where’s the harm in joining the winning side? And you do meet a nicer class of person.”

Colin:

I love that line. “Our sands be all but run.” We require more hourglass analogies.

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“I understand everything.”

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“Except that wig.”

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This seems too choreographed. Sparrow is more an agent of impulse.

Remember at the end of Curse of the Black Pearl? “You never know when they’ll do something incredibly… stupid.” He just does shit and works from there.

You’re killing this character, I hope you know that.

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OH NO FRUIT TO THE FACE!

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He went down like he took a bullet.

Really?

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This face.

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Also, you’re running along a table, how do you manage to step on every dish?

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Colin:

Cartoon nonsense.

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Well there goes that chair.

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Colin:

Oh, this is how he set everything up? This is too much.

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Colin:

That chair isn’t even for HIM to go out the window?

Please.

When I saw it, I thought for sure — well, first I thought it was stupid, watching him set up his escape, but second, I thought, “He’s gonna do the ‘today you will always remember this as the day…’ thing and slip on the napkin on the way out.”

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Even in the background, Griffiths still has it going on.

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Colin:

AND he gets the pastry? Really?

Another thing. I thought that was gonna fall during the scene. Either during the early action or during the conversation. They’re taking the easy road on all of this.

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“He escaped.”

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“Leave it to me, sire.”

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Shot of the film.

Colin:

RICHARD GRIFFITHS JUST MADE THIS ALL OKAY WITH THAT FACE HOLY SHIT that’s gotta be on our shots list cause that was glorious. Seriously. Shot of the film.

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Colin:

Fuck yo hat.

That’s so great. Knock the hat off and keep running. That’s one of those little things that you don’t think about but is actually a brilliant thing to do. Because people’s natural reflex is to go for the hat. It’s almost impossible to not go for the hat, even if you know you need to chase after this guy. So for him to instinctually know that and knock the guy’s hat off (plus how comic it is when you see it) — it’s really smart.

And yet they surround it with all the dumb shit.

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“Guards!”

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You moron.

Why would you leave it there?

That’s why this film is pissing me off. There’s no logic to any of this, but it’s happening just so you can go along with it.

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Also, I hope that’s not his pistol. Then I’d really be pissed.

Which… also — what happened to his effects?

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Colin:

He seems to know where he’s going.

He always does.

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Another apple basket.

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This looks like Les Mis. I wonder if this is the same set.

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More shots of people running up hallways.

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Nice shot. Because there’s nothing in it.

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I like random architecture like that. No real rhyme or reason for the hole in that stone to be shaped like that, but it looks cool. Like that Minas Tirith gate. I love when shit is just ornately done for no reason.

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Colin:

Nice hiding spot.

How’d he get out there so fast?

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I miss the muddy streets.

Colin:

I miss the Muddy Waters.

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Rape whistle.

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Nice shot.

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Yes, point him out. Otherwise the other guy might not know where he is.

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This is actually a nice shot too.

He could be shouting after a kid who was playing on his lawn, for all you know.

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Colin:

This is basically a rope, though. He’ll just swing somewhere on it, right?

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JUDI!

Colin doesn’t know this is coming. I can’t wait until he sees this for the first time. I know he got excited when Richard Griffiths showed up. This is a whole other story.

Colin:

Into the carriage. IS THAT JUDI DENCH?! 

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Colin:

IS HE LICKING JUDI DENCH?!

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Colin:

YES!!!

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‘Is that it?”

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I fucking love Judi Dench.

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Ha. He stole her earring.

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Colin:

TROPHY!

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Shiho would be freaking out right now if he were here.

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Is it me, or do those steps look really icy?

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^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Colin:

Carriage surfing. A bit ridiculous. But I’m still reeling from that intimate moment with Dame Judi.

An Intimate Moment with Dame Judi

(But aren’t they all?)

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NICE framing.

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Colin:

Stagecoach?

You Canutt be serious right now.

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Colin:

It’s that magic coffin again.

It really could take him anywhere!

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They could easily repurpose this place for ancient Rome and it could probably still pass.

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Colin:

Would this board require two guys in the first place? And wouldn’t they stop when it went from 10 lbs to about 180 lbs? Or because the guy in back is staring at Depp’s feet?

I did notice that while I was watching. Like, “Wouldn’t that dip when he stepped on it?” A dip because of Depp? But I guess not, when two stunt men are carrying it and you have no earthly concern for logic in your action sequences.

Even the fucking maelstrom sequence paid attention to some logic.

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Also, that dude’s hat doesn’t crush at all.

What is it made out of? Oddjob?

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Colin:

So this is a bit of an extended nonsense scene. Not as bad as cannibullshit.

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I love watching goons trip over each other.

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18th century traffic jam.

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First — this face.

Second — are you seriously firing blindly into a crowd of people?

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Colin:

Oh, so now the coal’s on fire? Coal doesn’t just catch on fire, though, does it? I guess it’s all that kerosene or whatever.

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Colin:

That’s kinda neat, I guess. Dropping flaming coal to stop them.

Nice shots, too.

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Also weird how the street is now on fire outside these people’s doorways and no one is gonna do anything about it.

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Colin:

Tits.

It’s convenient that he ended up right where he needed to go.

Presumably he saw it coming up and jumped up because of that.

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I love a good tally ho.

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I also like how there are no other guys chasing him and they’re all gone. You’d think since everyone knows where he’s supposed to be signing people up that they’d station people here.

Also, what’s with that guy back there? He’s almost like that creepy fuck in Twilight.

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“Filthy pirate…”

Colin:

Now you’ve been had. What do you wanna bet Gibbs is randomly there to kill this guy?

I think that’s what everyone was expecting, too.

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“Hello, Jackie.”

Colin:

EVEN BETTER! KEITH’S BACK!

Makes no sense at all, but Keith transcends that.

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“Hello, Dad.”

Just in case the relationship wasn’t clear the first time.

That’s another subtle thing that differentiates the trilogy from this film. In the other film, it’s implied that Keith is his father, and the only overt reference is, “How’s Mum?” Which could mean several things. “How’s your mother?” Or, that he’s his stepfather or something. Or a lot of things. But here, they just spell it out plainly for the idiots.

This really is the Phantom Menace of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, isn’t it?