Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Part II — “Okay”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start On Stranger Tides. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the second part of On Stranger Tides:

We begin Part II at some fort, or whatever.

Remember when this franchise used to look great?

“There’s been a mistake. It’s a life sentence. Not death. Life.”

Colin:

Most people don’t want death OR life.

The amount of images they’re wasting is astounding.

See what I mean?

“Barbossa.”

“I trust you can tie a noose.”

“That’s a hard thing, forcing a man to twist his own hanging rope.”

Colin:

That’s fucked up. Make him tie his own noose?

Why would you do it? It’s like when they tell you to dig your own grave. Fuck you. I’m going in it anyway. Kill me now and you fucking dig it.

“You must lie in your bed the way you made it.”

Four feet off the ground, attached to a rope?

Colin:

I really don’t like that Barbossa has a peg leg now. Where’d his leg go? Can it come back? We’ve talked about this before, but I don’t like it when characters just loose shit. Like when Frodo just LEFT Sting in the web. I was like, “YOU’RE GONNA NEED THAT!” And this applies to legs, too. He’s lost some of his charm without the leg.

But he’s still got his merciful nature and sense of fair play. So that’s something, I guess.

“What’s happened to you?”

“Where be Jack Sparrow?”

There’s that trick again.

“He escaped?”

“I’m on a tight schedule, Gibbs. The HMS Providence sets sail at first light. If you don’t care to watch it here, dead, with a mouthful of flies—”

“Speak now.”

And again.

“Take me with you. Any point of the compass…”

“Take you where, Gibbs? The Fountain? Aye?”

“Is that where Jack be headed? Have you anything you can offer me, Gibbs? Anything at all?”

Colin:

You better come up with SOMETHING. You tell him what’s what or where to go, he’ll hang you.

Take him to a whorehouse.

But, what’s weird to me is that later, we find out why he’s doing this, and him being obsessed with finding Jack doesn’t compute with that. How would he know Jack was gonna end up in the same place as Blackbeard? Even if he’s keeping up appearances, why would you almost hang Gibbs and not let him know the deal in any way?

“Upon me naked word, you will not see the dawn.”

Colin:

Don’t give him the map!

This is the end of act two for a Dora the Explorer movie, isn’t it?

“Hand it over.”

Stop looking so much like the Cowardly Lion with that hair.

Also — noose. You guys are seriously missing obvious shots.

Colin:

Oh, good. Yes. Do that. I like when people listen to me.

I like how he tells him to hand it over rather than being like, “Hey, assholes — seize him” and taking it forcibly.

Or, you know — SEARCHING THIS ASSHOLE.

Remember when Barbossa bartered the charts from Sao Feng and was in possession of this map until Jack stole it? Technically this is his map.

Oh, also, this seems to be the map that tells you where all the supernatural shit is. So maybe it’s a good thing it’s been destroyed.

“I had just enough time to study those infernal circles – every route, every destination – all safe in here.”

How many patches are you gonna put on these plotholes? That’s fucking ridiculous. That’s his reason for coming? And so he can give exposition?

Also, I highly doubt he memorized everything. The amount you drink?

“Welcome back to His Majesty’s Navy, Master Gibbs.”

And yet that’s kind of subtle. “Welcome back.”

Muerta de fiero.

It seems like everyone of these has a shot like this.

And it goes to reason that this is the shittiest of the bunch.

He wakes up as part of the crew.

Colin:

Uh oh. He’s been press-ganged. Which probably sounds worse than what it sounds like, but could also include what it sounds like.

I’m here for the press-gang.

There’s been a mistake. He’s not even supposed to be here today.

“You don’t understand, mate, I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Colin:

I hate this. He says that there’s been a horrible mistake, and that’s exactly what it is. Just like Barbossa and the leg, Jack has now lost status. Which makes me crazy. Even more so than the character himself, I’m like, “NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! HE DOESN’T SWAB DECKS! HE’S A PIRATE LORD.” For whatever reason, it bothers me.

It’s also because — Jack Sparrow should normally, in this situation, realize, “Well, I’m party of this crew on this ship, shit’s going down.. let’s hang back, survey the situation, get a read on it, then figure out what I’m going to do?” Honestly the only thing missing is the multiple Jacks.

That’s how you clean a floor.

Colin:

So now he’s swabbing the deck with Graham…why did he get knocked out and put on this ship? Is Cruz collecting dudes for this ship? Is it her ship? If it was her ship, he’d figure something out. It’s gotta be someone else’s ship.

“Scrum –”

Oh yeah, his name is Scrum. Don’t ask.

“Why is there a glass coffin?”

At least there’s not a glass delusion.

“Do I look like a man in charge?”

What does he know about diamonds?

“Where am I?”

He’s on Queen Anne’s Revenge.

(I wonder what Queen Anne’s revenge actually was.)

(Probably hepatitis.)

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

“Blackbeard.”

A track in? Seriously? What the fuck is that about?

Remember when these things used to be done without moving the camera and allowed the actors to do what they get paid to do?

Colin:

For those of you who don’t spend your lives cruising Wikipedia and learning useless things. If you are a person like that, you’ll probably know that Blackbeard only sailed on the Queen Anne’s Revenge for less than a year before running it aground on the American coast.

This might be the best shot in the movie so far. There’s nothing in it.

Love that figurehead.

Gore Verbinski would’ve made this ship look better.

Which sucks, because it’s a baller ass sea pad.

Colin:

Now we pull out and see this badass ship. Why are ships always contained to their movie? If I’d been Barbossa in the first movie, I’d have first conquered the seas. They were all immortal. Fight Davy Jones and win. Fight all the other pirate lords and WIN. Fight Blackbeard and kill him. Take their ships. When Jack convinces Barbossa to become a “commodore” you have to wonder why Barbossa hadn’t done so first. You definitely look for the last pieces so that you can be ready to lift the curse. But you obviously use the curse to your advantage while it’s on you.Take out some of the more hardy competition. And apparently, Blackbeard didn’t factor into any of the last two movies’ plots at all, either.

This movie seems completely separate from that other trilogy. Thank god. The Davy Jones/Blackbeard thing makes no sense at all and is just another one of those things to throw onto the pile of “We didn’t think about it/who gives a shit/no one watching cares or has the ability of abstract thought anyhow” plotholes in this movie.

Amistad?

That amuses me. Just throwing water onto the floor and making them scrub that shit before it dries up.

“He’s a curious one.”

Colin:

Look at this. He’s working. I can’t take that. Jack doesn’t work.

All work and no play makes Jack Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

“He’s been zombfied.”

Oh god. I heard the word zombie and threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Colin:

I’m done with zombies, vampires, werewolves and superheroes. Remember when Westerns used to be the overdone genre? What if we could go back to THAT?

People always ask me why I love 30s, 40s and 50s movies. Because the predominant genres were westerns, musicals and noirs. Among many other reasons.

Also, fuck all of those things. Zombies, vampires, werewolves and superheroes. There aren’t as many werewolves today, but anything supernatural. I swear, with these fucking supernatural horror movies. Why do they make money? People move into a house, mysterious shit happens. Someone gets possessed. It’s either a demon or a supernatural force trying to kill them. It’s the same fucking thing every time.

Fuck this superhero shit, too. Remember how we got all those watered down versions of The Matrix after that came out, and we were watching lazy directors use bullet time for like five years after that? That’s what the superhero genre is now after Iron Man. There has not been a single really good superhero movie since then. And that’s all people go see. It’s disgusting.

And fuck this movie for including zombies for no goddamn reason at all.

“Aye?”

“All the officers are the same. Makes ‘em more compliant.”

Makes them fucking stupid.

“And perpetually ill-tempered.”

Why are all the black people in this franchise hulking and angry?

This looks digital. It looks like they shot digitally.

Colin:

I was noticing a lot more blur on the moving shots than before. WAS this shot digitally?

They shot digitally with 3D cameras.

Which is a fucking joke, since the entire movie is dark as shit, and 3D only dims the lighting of the frame, and EVERY FUCKING SHOT MOVES! There’s a time limit as to how long you can hold a shot before the 3D becomes jarring, and they cut like motherfuckers in this movie.

Man, they did almost everything wrong here.

They’re doing a real shitty job at showing this ship.

Also, I don’t give a fuck about all these shots of people working. How about telling me a story I give a shit about? Why do I need to see these assholes working on the deck of a ship? Are they gonna start singing “Look Down”? I didn’t give a fuck when I saw this and it was part of the story with Will meeting Bootstrap. Why the fuck would I care when it’s completely out of context and for no purpose whatsoever?

Oh look, a douchebag child.

Colin:

I hope he fucking dies.

Seriously. Look at this Peter Pan looking fuck.

“Five days underway. At least.”

And nothing but maggoty bread?

“You can tell that by the smell of the sea?”

“The smell of the crew.”

Colin:

Wouldn’t you know that by…how many days it’s been since you left? It’s not hard to count how many times it gets dark.

Sparrow does get knocked out a lot, though.

And it’s like, super bad for you.

“Oy – what did that poor sop do?”

“And how can I make sure to not?”

“Him?”

Colin:

Haha there’s a guy tied to the mast. That sucks.

“Churchly fellow.”

He got what he deserves.

“Always going on about the Lord almighty.”

I repeat my previous statement.

Colin:

Oh, wait, he’s religious. No, that’s the proper place for him. If he really does have good standing with his god or whatever, that’ll help. If not, keep him up there to not talk to people. Although…is god real in this universe? We’ve already seen proof that Aztec heathen gods’ magic was real, and that Calypso was real. How many different sets of gods can there be in one universe?

How many plotholes you need fillin’?

What would Jesus do, indeed.

That exact same thing.

At least they didn’t want to waste the nails.

“A Bible thumper on this ship?”

I like his reaction, but I don’t like the phrase “Bible thumper.” Feels out of place with this franchise.

And it’s a stupid phrase to begin with.

Certain things go thump in the night, and a Bible isn’t one of them.

Also – Thumpety, thump thump, thumpety thump thump, look at that Frosty proselytize.

Man, religion is both amusing and terrifying at the same time.

Like white people.

He tells a story. Something about sea turtles and a single bullet.

Oh, wait, this isn’t a good movie.

It’s about his entire ship getting raided and killed except for him. First mate stuck her neck out and got him saved.

“Her? The first mate is a her?”

Take a wild fucking guess who it is. Why do you seem so surprised? Why are you letting yourself give into the dumb exposition-giving?

Stop with the stupid track-ins.

“Steady as she goes.”

Right, like I buy that Penelope Cruz knows anything about ships. Let’s stop pretending like she’s here as anything more than sass and eye candy.

(Also — Sass and Eye Candy)

Wow, you are really not shooting this ship well at all.

Rob Marshall is the type of director who can set a good scene but can’t paint a beautiful image. You know how I know this? Chicago and Nine. Great ways to stage musical numbers, horrible at directing them. He needs a Robert Wise to his Jerome Robbins. (And a Daniel L. Fapp, because goddamn, have you seen that movie in 1080p?)

(P.S. This is the same DP who shot the first three films. So it really does come down to direction and practical effects, doesn’t it?)

(And not shooting digitally. Because those other films looked way better than this does.)

Why are you randomly walking downstairs?

Aren’t you the first mate? Shouldn’t you not be walking around where the crew is? Why would you go where the crew is?

To get raped, apparently.

“You are a ruthless, soulless, cross-brained cur.”

Colin:

She’s hooked on this conversation.

“I told you I had a ship.”

“No, Blackbeard has a ship. Upon which I am now imprisoned.”

“We can do this, Jack. The Fountain of Youth.”

We don’t ever really get motivation for Jack wanting the Fountain of Youth, do we? I mean, it does theoretically have its own built-in motivation, but it’s the same deal with Jones’s heart — why does he really want it? It seems like with all of these things, he wants it, but he doesn’t know why. Or rather, he thinks he should want it, and that’s what makes him want it, but almost always there’s a catch and invariably he gets nothing out of it and goes, “Meh.” Which — sounds like it should work, but for some reason, the way these movies do it, it doesn’t.

“Like you always wanted.”

“Blackbeard – Edward Teach, the pirate all pirates fear.”

Really? You say his name? And really? Even JACK has to give exposition now?

“Resurrector of the dead in his spare time.”

Why is this necessary? Why can’t he just be a frightening motherfucker?

Colin:

Seriously, though, it bugs me how this is a supernatural kinda ship with a legendary captain who seems to be undefeated, and yet he’s never come up against Davy Jones, never went up against the Pearl when it was cursed, never came up EVER. You can only introduce so many ships and crews that are credible as the be-all-end-all of everything on the high seas. Eventually, it’s like, “Why wasn’t Beckett concerned about killing THIS guy? Why didn’t Davy Jones want THIS dude instead of the measly Jack Sparrow? Why didn’t Barbossa try to fuck up this dude and take his ship?”

He might have.

“He will listen to me.”

“He listens to no one.”

“Maybe to his own daughter?”

“Daughter as in – beget by?”

“Long lost. Recently found. Who loves her dear papa with all her soul.”

Colin:

She’s playing the long lost daughter. This some Matchstick Men shit?

I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH CAGE

(Oh, wait, no I haven’t.)

(I love breaking the space/time continuum.)

“He bought that?”

“I sold that.”

Colin:

I like that line a lot. “He bought that?” “I sold that.” There is a difference between someone buying something and you selling it. A salesman can sell shit no matter what. In high school, I worked at Music & Arts Center, where we sold and rented instruments and music supplies and stuff. This one full-time salesman was so good that I watched him approach a lady who was in to buy reeds for her 12 year old son and send her out the door with a $6,000 saxophone. Coffee is for closers.

“Then it’s the Fountain of Youth for him. Or, him and you. Not you and me.”

Why does he care so much about “you and me”? Jack shouldn’t give a shit about her at all. And yet, over the course of this film, we see him actually caring for her well-being, which he should not be doing at all. He should only care about himself, and then, if he can help it, he’ll make sure everyone else comes out okay as well. He’s more about limiting collateral damage than actually caring for someone else. Jack hasn’t given a fuck about his FRIENDS before, and now Penelope Cruz shows up and all of a sudden he’s like Harry with Ginny in Half-Blood Prince.

“No, Jack, that’s the best part. He will be dead.”

Colin:

She better kill him. Put bleach in his coffee or something.

“Ah – you’ll be handling that part yourself, then.”

“There is a prophecy.”

A FUCKING PROPHECY?! REALLY?! FUCK YOU, MOVIE!

“Maybe you don’t believe in the supernatural.”

Colin:

Hah. She thinks he doesn’t believe in the supernatural.

“Oh, no, no, I’ve seen a thing or two.”

Said Sally, twenty years later and a vicious alcoholic.

(Someone got that, right?)

Colin:

And now she’s gonna try and do the sexy talk. Fuck you. You drugged me and now I’m a slave on this ship.

She knows what he did last summer.

(Remember that movie?)

(FYI, I saw both that movie and its sequel in theaters.)

(I think that counts as a sext.)

(But really, how were they still scared when he was like, “Remember last summer? Still remember it!”? Then there was a sequel, I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer. Which, yeah, that’s how memory works.)

(Do you think he’s still out there, writing letters with his fish hook? “I still know what you did last summer.” “Shut up, Derek, I’m still alive.”)

(That franchise should have ended with the killer sitting on a dock, deep in the throes of dementia, unable to remember what you did last summer and crying.)

If there’s a fish hook involved, and you’re talking to someone who has tried to kill you in the past, why would you for a second take your eyes off of it?

“The prophecy is this – Blackbeard will meet his death within a fortnight at the hands of a one-legged man.”

Really? That’s a prophecy? That sounds like a drunken phony psychic making some shit up as they went along.

“That’s why he needs the Fountain, Jack.”

Wow, good thing we’ve met a one-legged man, huh?

There’s no surprise here at all. We’re just rowing along without any fun, aren’t we?

Also, did they really make him lose his leg for a fucking plot point?

A plot point that didn’t even need to be there?

Colin:

So, we’re being made to assume it’s Barbossa that’ll kill him? Sounds too easy to me, but I’ll just file away that prophecy. What is it with franchises and prophecies? Who makes them? Why? When? How? Do we trust them? Not always. I’m pretty sure it’s just a directive that allows things to progress without developing real motivations. Convenient. But anyway, we’re made to think that Barbossa will kill him. I’m not sold on that just yet cause it does seem too easy.

Has there been a prophecy in all of our franchises so far? Pretty sure there has — prophecy to take down Voldemort, prophecy to bring balance to the Force — Rings had a shit ton of prophecies going on there. Fuck Twilight. And I’m sure there was something. Demon baby, or whatever. And now this. And what will presumably be our next franchise — that fucking thing was built on a prophecy.

So that’s franchises, for you — councils and prophecies.

WHICH IS FUCKING RELIGION! GODDAMNIT!

All right, we’re getting better.

Colin:

That’s a little boat. Big sails, though. Queen Anne’s Revenge is HUGE.

♫ “Big sails on a little boat…” ♫

Oh, you fucked it up!

Is it too much to ask for a stationary fucking shot of a boat in this movie?

Colin:

Where are the Spanish? We haven’t seen them in a half hour, which is usually more than enough time for someone to get somewhere plot-inducing.

I think the better question is “Why are the Spanish?” Why are they here? Why are half of these people here? Remember when the last few movies had like, six characters who were interacting? We don’t need all these extra people.

Your cuffs are too big.

“Master Gibbs – short we are a map, perhaps you’d be so kind as to give us an heading.”

I don’t like him in these clothes.

But I do like that he says “an heading.”

Also, why are they short of map? Just go to Florida. He’ll figure it out from there. There’s no way you’re at America already after like five days. You left from England. After five days you should maybe be off the coast of Spain.

“Be a gem and pour me a gulper.”

Note to self: Start saying that to people.

That’s my “win one for the Gipper.”

“Hey! We be privateers and not pirates, Master Gibbs. And in the King’s Navy, we behave as such.”

Colin:

Oh, that’s fucked up. The man’s having DTs and you’re being shitty to him. What if they had McNally do a Walter Brennan impersonation?

“Aye, Captain.”

They have two wheels.

Two wheels, Lieutenant Dan!

“Be we on the proper course, Gibbs?”

Can’t you just be like, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe if I had some rum I could think straight”? It’s medicinal.

Colin:

Barbossa’s totally cool not being a pirate anymore, huh? I guess he can game the system. It’s cause he’s not really taking orders from people. But I’m still a little iffy on the whole setup.

He’s too concerned about getting where he’s going. You know this shit ain’t legit. The only question is — what’s his endgame?

“Aye, it be proper. There’s your proof.”

“Spaniards.”

How did nobody see that?

Battle stations.

Colin:

Did I not just call that? Seriously. “Hey, the Spaniards have been gone for a half hour. Isn’t it time we got back to them?” “THE SPANISH! BATTLESTATIONS!” Movies are predictable.

I want a dude with a snare drum who can start playing when battles are going to break out.

Remember in The Patriot when the snare drum guy got his leg taken off by a cannonball?

That was fun.

We should do that, though. Bring a drumline into a battle.

It’s weird, seeing him at the command of a ship where they’re on top of shit.

I don’t like it.

I don’t like people putting religious symbols on their flags.

I’d rather them sail under a giant dick than a cross.

Though I guess that thing is a nice target.

T makes the spot.

“Await orders.”

It’s cool, though. They must know this motherfucker knows how to run shit. He’s right at home in this situation. That’s cool to know.

Colin:

That guy with him is the same guy who was on The Endeavour at the end of At World’s End, yelling at Beckett for orders. And now, as they’re outnumbered by the Spanish, he’s doing the same thing with Barbossa. “I know this shit ain’t happening again.” Wonder if he remembers that Barbossa captaining one of the ships that fucked him up last time.

“He never so much as turned his head.”

Colin:

This Spanish dude ain’t got time to look at you. They’re doing like 10 mph, so there’s only time to look ahead lest they hit India.

“The Fountain be the prize. It appears we be not even worth the time it’d take to sink us. And now we’ve fallen behind.”

Uhh… how about you shoot them anyway and get there first that way?

You’re on an expedition from the king. Shouldn’t you have more than one ship? Shoot these fucking guys and then get to the Fountain. They can’t beat you there when they’re dead. (And they’ll be easier to search.)

Why would you even bother going to battle stations if it’s one against three? Or if you don’t give a fuck about the Spanish and are going after Blackbeard anyhow?

Logic, people.

“All hands, make more sail!”

Out of what? Is there enough cloth on this ship for that?

Oh, you mean… never mind.

“Ride hard, between wind and tide!”

Warmer.

Tia Dalma?

“The topic, gentlemen, is mutiny.”

Yeah, I’m sure that’s smart.

Colin:

Jack’s gonna lead a mutiny? I like this idea.

They all signed up to sail under Jack Sparrow…so that helps.

“Mutiny most foul.”

Someone’s been reading.

And I bet something’s rotting in the brig, too.

It always amazes me how much fire was on these ships.

Do you really eat off of that?

This kid got some swords.

Colin:

You got the cabin boy to steal swords for you? Does he need to be involved? Wait, cabin boys weren’t just there to be raped, right?

Cabin Boys Weren’t Just There…

Actually, let’s not use that one.

But… “just.”

They plan the mutiny. Jack wants to know Blackbeard’s habits.

Didn’t you already mention how he resurrects the dead? Why do his habits matter? Do you really think you’re gonna kill him?

He never comes out of his cabin. Ever.

Colin:

He stays in his cabin. Cruz is playing all of them.

They’ve never sailed with him before. They’ve never seen him before.

(Just like a real god!)

“Stays to his cabin, no one’s sailed with him, no one’s seen him.”

“Good news, gentlemen. This is not Blackbeard’s ship.”

“No, this be the Queen Anne’s Revenge, right enough.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve seen the name, on the back of the ship.”

Colin:

Morons. I’ve got morons on my team.

“Gentlemen, sirs, fellow conscriptees – you have been monstrously deceived.”

“You’re decepted, then.”

“Yes.”

Colin:

Fucking genius, that guy is.

“If nay been informed of a destination, death lies before us as we sail for the Fountain of Youth.”

Asian pirate.

Colin:

They’re all grumbly. Good, this is how mutiny begins.

“Unless we take the ship.”

“We’ll take the ship, then! Now!”

LEEEEEROY JENKINS!!!!

Colin:

Graham just WENT. You guys better get a move on or he’s gonna ruin the surprise and then you’ll all be fucked.

“Go on, then.”

Amazing how stupid and easily-led people are.

Somehow this is the only set of shots where I’d never even think to subtitle them “Rape.”

“Mmm… Jack.”

“If this is a dream, you can keep the sword and boots on.”

Colin:

That scab has come and gone for four movies now. Is that from an STD or something?

“If it’s not—”

Colin:

If it’s a dream, he can keep them on? If not…? Was that an invitation to fuck?

“It’s a dream.”

(If it was an invitation, did he just turn it down? Because he also seemed weirded out by the tit sign before.)

“No, it’s a trap!”

“I thought I should give you fair warning, we’re taking the ship.”

And she starts screaming at him in Spanish.

“I think you might be better off if you just –”

“Stay out of it.”

That’s a very good trick.

Colin:

So many times in this franchise, he comes that close to being skewered. Like…like a lamb. Or a wild boar. These are the two things I know from franchises that can be skewered.

One sympathizes.

Colin:

So…zombies. Okay.

That’s my reaction to all of this.

Asians always gotta die.

So… that face.

Colin:

Hey, they brought back the fight theme from Curse of the Black Pearl.

Colin:

Better take out his head.

I don’t give a fuck about any of this, by the way.

And, as we’re about to find out, nor should I.

Colin:

NET YO ASS

This is a rather long mutiny.

Colin:

When in doubt, climb things, I guess. That’s what I’d do.

Colin:

They wanna get the religious guy. That’s rich. Leave him.

How come the seagulls haven’t gotten to him yet?

Shouldn’t he be all pockmarked like when Eli Wallach left Clint Eastwood out in the desert for three days?

“You’re either with us or against us.”

“I’m neither with you, neither am I against you.”

“Can he do that?”

He wins this movie.

“He’s religious, I believe it’s required.”

A ha. Jack Sparrow hates religion too.

“Fight to the bitter end, you cack-handed deck apes.”

Colin:

I like this. Jack’s back in his element.

Does this really deserve the leitmotif? This isn’t thrilling or exciting. And Sparrow isn’t doing anything great at all.

He literally just ran up some steps. Is that all it takes, now?

“The ship is ours!”

What if the ship was oars?

Just asking.

I guess that’s technically possible.

Wouldn’t it be great if this were Nicolas Cage?

Well this is certainly a good way to meet a new face.

What’s up, Ian McShane?

Colin:

IAN MCSHANE! He has the perfect combination of apathy and badass in his face.

“Gentlemen…”

What a great opening line.

I liked that bottle.

“I be placed in a bewilderment.”

“There I were, resting –”

What if he were played by Michael Douglas?

I was gonna say he reminded me of Kirk, but that would have had to be done 30 years ago. You know, pre-stroke. But Michael had a shot.

Cool/warm.

“And upon a sudden, I hear an ungodly row on deck.”

Stop trying to write so hard.

“Sailors abandoned their post without orders, without leave.”

“Men, before the mast, taking the ship for themselves.”

“What be that, first mate?”

Titties, captain. I mean –

“Mutiny, captain.”

“Again.”

“Mutiny.”

“Aye. Mutiny.”

They’re shooting him really well. Because if there’s one thing this film can do well, it’s shoot really fucking close.

Ja…pan?

Colin:

Sorta. With ropes it starts to go straight bondage, at which point Japan begins to lose interest.

As do I.

“And what fate befalls mutineers?”

Apparently the deepest circle of hell.

“Now, we know the answer to that, do we not?”

A big ass fucking shiv?

“Mutineers hang!”

You’re gonna hang the whole ship?

Colin:

Wait, so he’s gonna hang basically the whole crew?

3D shot.

I disapprove.

Rope. I mean rape. Rope rape.

Colin:

Hang on, he can magically manipulate ropes and have them do his bidding? This is KINDA tentacle rapey again. Just when I thought Japan was gonna be bored with this franchise after the Kraken was killed. As long as it looks like more than bondage, if the ropes move like tentacles…

Colin:

But since ropes control basically everything on a ship except the wheel, why do you even need a crew? Scrubbing the deck? Is that it?

– – – – –

Aww… you two got strung up together. Like those two idiots from the last movie. What’s their names… Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint there.

Wow. Weird how those ropes were waiting for the camera to pan up before they pulled these guys upside down.

Now that’s a fucking dive! He tryin’ to tally ho the fuck off of this ship.

NOPE!

NOT ON THIS DAY!

Just like Hitchcock.

Also, not entirely sure that’s the kind of hanging mutineers do.

Now there’s an acceptable ship shot.

Stop with the track-ins.

“Captain, I wish to report a mutiny.”

“I can name fingers and point names.”

“No need, Mr. Sparrow. They are sheep, you, their shepherd.”

Colin:

He knows who Jack is. Obviously. You know you fucking with a pirate lord? Of course that doesn’t mean shit anymore. Is Blackbeard even a PIRATE in this movie?

Apparently he resurrects the dead.

Maybe that’s how Orlando gets off the ship.

Colin:

That should have been him landing on his head.

It’s funny how obvious that looks like a stunt set up. Where they yell action and he falls into frame.

“Have I mentioned, sir, what a lovely daughter you have?”

Correct.

“A fitting last sight for a doomed soul.”

Honestly, if the last thing I saw were those titties, I’d be okay.

Colin:

I’m okay with this shot.

So is Blackbeard, presumably.

“Remember, father. We need him.”

Colin:

Now Cruz is a good guy? Ish? This is always how it works. She’s with him, until she’s sorta not.

“If I don’t kill a man every now and then they forget who I am.”

No, I don’t think they’re gonna do that.

“Coward!”

“Hmm?”

“They never forget. Your crew sees you for the miscreant you are.”

Leave it to the asshole to start shouting at the guy who just said “If I don’t kill someone, they forget who I am.”

Good job, buddy. Perfect timing.

Look at his face.

How else would you react when you’re currently the most dangerous man on the sea and someone starts telling you you ain’t shit?

“A coward. No matter how many you slay.”

“Twice in one day I find myself in a bewilderment.”

“You are not bewildered, you are afraid.”

“What the fuck did you say to me?”

“You dare not walk the path of righteousness, the way of the light.”

Apparently this film won’t walk in the way of the light, either. How about some fucking day exteriors?

Colin:

This is what religion does. It makes you think you can say anything to anyone. Cap this fool.

“No, sir, the truth is, it be much simpler than all that. I’m a bad man.”

Colin:

McShane throws that in his face. “Your argument is bullshit. Simply, I’m a bad man.”

“That too.”

Ha ha! He shut him down.

“I might have to kill you too, catechist.”

“No!”

“Oh, Latin blood like her mother!”

“Father, I beg you.”

“Oh, there I be, forgetting again, why the missionary is here.”

“My daughter fears for my soul.”

Colin:

She’s gonna save him? Yeah, right.

“What’s left of it.”

“You truly wish to save me, my child?”

“Every soul can be saved.”

Okay.

“Be that true, young cleric?”

“Yes. Though you I see as a bit of a long shot. Still I pray for every unfortunate soul on this hell-bound vessel.”

Okay.

“You disarm me with your faith.”

“Which of you unfortunate souls stood watch?”

“I did. I stood watch.”

This is kind of nice. He knows he’s safe, so he’s gonna take the blame away from someone else. But on the other hand — wouldn’t Jack just not say anything and let the other person die? Though I guess we’ve never really seen him in such an obvious situation. Other times he puts people in the way of death, but most of those times, it seemed like there was a really good chance of that person dying. Which is why this seems weird to me.

“You?”

“Aye.”

Colin:

This guy’s fucked.

“The cook. Perfect.”

Great line. He’s a better villain than I remember.

“Why do you do this?”

“Mutiny. Our laws be clear.”

Who needs that second part. “Why do you do this?” “Mutiny, bitch.” The “bitch” is even implied the way he says it.

She’s no Keira Knightley. Don’t get me wrong. She’s beautiful, but – they don’t shoot her as well.

Colin:

Cept for the titties.

They’re gonna run him over.

Or so it seems.

Colin:

They gonna leave him in the longboat?

Seems like a waste of a longboat.

“Oh, you now? Chance to show the worth of your prayers.”

“Pray he be delivered from… evil?”

Or from being run over big a big ass fucking ship.

Colin:

Wait, why is there so much fire on on the front of this boat? Why are you putting so much fire on something made of WOOD and subjected to constant winds?

Colin:

Wait, is it gonna use fire and fuck him up?

Well that seems unnecessary.

Colin:

OH YEAH!

Okay.

RIP Quarrel.

Wouldn’t you just dive overboard?

Also, “The cook. Perfect.” I appreciate his appreciation of irony.

Also, that boat is wood. Sitting right above saltwater. How can it make fire that fast and also not be burned to the ground? Or… water?

Colin:

That’s bullshit, but it looks cool. And a nice shot from below. Which, it should be noted — this movie doesn’t look NEAR as good as the first three. What’s with that?

Same DP, worse director.

Nothing against Rob Marshall, but — I said it before. He’s just not an ‘image’ guy. He’s a visual guy, but he’s more of a Broadway guy. He knows how to make a scene look good, but he doesn’t know where to put the camera to make it look good on film. I remember watching Chicago, going, “This is a great set up for a musical number. Now give me some shots to work with.” Fucking nothing. Nothing at all. The man won’t give you more than three seconds on a good camera set up. It’s disgusting.

I’m glad he lost Best Director that year. He didn’t deserve to win. And I’ll vote musical every time.

You seem way too aroused for this.

I bet that’s his o-face.

Is everyone getting a closeup?

“You know when I feel closest to our maker?”

When you resurrect people from the dead?

“When I see suffering and pain and anguish.”

Because that’s pretty much all religion has given the world?

“That’s when the ultimate design of this world is revealed.”

“And I see it revealed when in times of hardship and tragedy, kindness and compassion are shown to those in need.”

Okay.

“Perhaps you should pray for him to be unharmed, yes?”

“Again!”

I appreciate his superfluosity.

I can’t tell. Is the Asian guy wincing or just watching intently?

STOP WITH THE FUCKING TRACK INS.

“I actually have no interest in the Fountain whatsoever, so if your heart is set, you may drop me off anywhere you like.”

Well there’s no more longboat, so…

This is like Black Dynamite. Locking the doors behind him.

“Your words surround you like fog, make you hard to see.”

Colin:

This whole movie seems full of fog. It’s either dark, foggy, or both at pretty much all times. Look at how bad this looks. There’s no crispness to any of the images. That really bothers me. Think back to when Elizabeth has her first dinner with Barbossa on the Pearl — that was in a dim, candle-lit room, and it looked WAY better than this.

Look at How Bad This Looks

“And what of you? The mighty Blackbeard. Beheaded, they say.”

“But still your body swam three times round your ship and climbed back on board.”

Maybe he died at the precise moment between when Davy Jones died and they cut out Orlando’s heart.

Because technically there are a couple of minutes there during the inauguration where there’s no one in charge.

“And here you are. Running scared.”

“Scared.”

Or even… “Running.” He’s not really doing either of those things.

Where was he during the whole Beckett thing, I wonder.

Colin:

RIGHT? That’s what I’ve been saying the whole movie! Too many supernatural badasses that exist completely separately from one another. You have to disregard that other movies and other characters existed. Like how Iron Man 3 happened and none of the other Avengers are around or even mentioned. Not that I want them all there, but it’s like…yeah, you know what it’s like.

“The Quartermaster sees things before they happen. He has foreseen my death, and so the fates have spoken. The threads of destiny woven.”

How about you hole yourself up in a bunker somewhere for two weeks until it’s over? Because it seems like by going to the Fountain, you’re risking running into this dude. Pretty sure if you hide your ship somewhere for two weeks and sit in your cabin with guns and shit, there’s really no way you’re gonna be killed. Any time people have a prophecy against them, they always freak out and play into the prophecy.

Or they’re the Jedi, who completely misread the prophecy.

“You have a ridiculously high regard for fate, mate.”

“And you?”

OH GOD.

Fucking kill everyone who wrote this movie. I can’t stand that line once, but TWICE?!

“Me? I’m skeptical of predicting any future which includes me.”

Colin:

I’m skeptical of everything.

Especially that religious fuck.

Who I think we’re all hoping dies.

“It’d be foolish to battle fate. But I’d be tempted to cheat it.”

Isn’t that what you’re doing? You’re not tempted, you are trying to cheat it.

Even the characters aren’t using logic when they speak.

They were on fucking autopilot with this movie.

“I will reach the Fountain. You will lead me.”

“That knife will serve you no better than the mutiny you devised.”

Shouldn’t he have been behind him for this? Because you can see him coming this way.

“Mutiny served me well. It gained me an audience with you.”

“Oh?”

“Aye. To warn you.”

“Regarding your first mate, who pretends to be persons she is not.”

Colin:

So he’s gonna spill the beans about Penelope to get in good with Blackbeard. Just try giving people information and see if it works.

“Do tell.”

“She’s not your daughter.”

Colin:

How is it that we’re 50 minutes into this movie and I feel like we haven’t accomplished anything? The standout so far is still Richard Griffiths, as far as I’m concerned. And there hasn’t even been cannibullshit! How have we gotten through so little plot?

Holy shit he looks like Al Pacino.

“You dare to speak personally about my flesh and blood?”

Colin:

la la la la la titties

“A woman is consummate in the art of deception.”

“I know. As I, mostly unwittingly, set her on her wicked path.”

Colin:

Is that a voodoo doll? What the hell. Speaking of which, notice how Calypso went back to normal, and NOTHING has changed?

“Though I cannot claim credit for her existing abundance of natural talent.”

Colin:

HAH. He said he fucked your “daughter” and even though it was supposedly her first time, she was a natural talent.

And you say all of this while the man’s holding a voodoo doll. Bad idea.