Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Part III — “Hold My Machete, Tree”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start On Stranger Tides. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the third part of On Stranger Tides:

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We begin Part III with one of my favorite shots in the film.

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RUM AND APPLE SLICES! YES!

Colin:

CO. RECT.

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Pour that shit.

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That’s how a gentleman does it.

Colin:

I love this. He’s drinking, but it’s in tea. He’s eating an apple, but it’s sliced. It’s still him, just with the charade of elegance.

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That was my breakfast this morning.

Colin:

My apples are a bit mushy, so I only had the booze.

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“Sir?”

“Aye?”

I love the way he says “aye.” Mouth open, apple slices everywhere.

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There are rumors about their destination.

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“Shut your trap and make way.”

I love that. “The men have questions.” “Shut the fuck up and do what I tell you.”

He doesn’t even turn around.

Colin:

The men are all afraid of where they’re going because they’re pussies. He’s gonna yell at them like a pirate captain would.

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“That’s the way of it, then?”

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“No disrespect – sir.”

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“What do the men fear? Say it. Speak the words.”

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“Whitecap Bay.”

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“Aye, Whitecap Bay.”

I like how he was just chilling, drinking rum and eating apple slices, with a fucking cannon right next to his table.

He could actually have shot bitches while still eating.

That’s badass.

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“Every worthless seaman fears the name and rightly so. Though few know why or dare to ask.”

Really? They fear something because that’s what they do? They don’t know why they fear it? That’s stupid. At least find out.

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“Be the stories true?”

I like how Gibbs knows all the stories.

It’s nice having someone who knows the stories.

Especially when they talk like Gibbs.

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“Say what robs you of your staunch heart, Gibbs, or forever leave it to the whiter fields of fancy.”

Colin:

I…don’t know if I want to leave something to the whiter fields of fancy. Can we talk about what that is?

Sounds like something a foppish dandy would do.

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“Mermaids, captain.”

Colin:

Mer…maids?

And you thought this film couldn’t get dumber.

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“Aye, mermaids.”

The way he says that makes me think he knows how stupid it is.

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“Sea ghouls, devilfish, dreadful in hunger for flesh of man.”

Look how nice that little armrest thing is. Someone crafted that.

Also, look at that compass. That’s some good shit.

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“Mermaid waters, that be our path.”

How come mermaids congregate in the same bay? Why don’t they go everywhere? This seems plot-related. I’d rather them explain that to me and spend time doing that than show us that extended mermaid sequence they’re about to show us.

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“Cling to your soul, Gibbs, as mermaids be given to take the rest.”

Colin:

That’s such a Barbossa line. Except for the ‘mermaid’ part. But the general idea of it, like — “Make sure you have a grip on this shit, cause you’re gonna lose everything else.” Very Barbossa.

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“To the bone.”

Colin:

Are they mermaids or piranhas?

Apparently this is what mermaids do. Which is funny when you see the one we meet later on. It’s like, “.. what?”

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“Steady! Steady men!”

Especially you, Flock of Seagulls Owen Wilson.

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“Save yourselves!”

Colin:

Do they all have these hats? Why is this just a bunch of young men in tri-corner hats? Johnny Tremain-looking motherfuckers.

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Have fun meeting Orlando!

Moron.

Colin:

Now, why would anyone think this a good idea? You can go on the boat (heh.) and possibly survive with everyone else, or you can jump overboard and CERTAINLY die. Who’s thinking this is a good idea? He deserves to be left behind.

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They all rush to save him, but Barbossa’s like, “Fuck that guy, he’s a deserter.”

“Nay! Gentlemen. I should not ask any more of a man than what that man can deliver, but I do ask this: are we not King’s men?”

And entertained? Are we not entertained?

“I did not note any fear in the eyes of the Spanish as they passed us by? Are we not king’s men?”

Are they Kingsmen?!

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“YEAH!”

ALL RIGHT!

Colin:

Say what you want about the guy, but he knows how to play to a crowd.

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I like how he’s toning down his pirate instincts for this.

And by like I mean – not at all.

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Finally, another almost decent one. Killed by the fact that I know they pulled back from tracking along it again.

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WHY MUST WE TRACK INTO EVERY GODDAMN SCENE?! KEEP THE FUCKING CAMERA STATIONARY.

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Oh yeah.

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Double oh yeah.

By the way, that score going on right now (that they want you to believe Stephen Graham is playing) was contributed by Rodrigo y Gabriela, a duo who play acoustic rhythm guitar. They’re fucking great. I first heard about them when they announced that they’d be contributing to the score. I listened to all their stuff and got crazy excited about hearing what it’d sound like. Of course, they’re barely on the soundtrack (I was hoping they’d be all over it and it’d have that sound, which would have been so much better), but that doesn’t take away from how good they are.

Check out this song – how good it is and how fucking great they are playing it:

And, for those who want another gauge, here’s them doing Stairway to Heaven possibly better than Led Zeppelin.

If there’s one thing you can take from this film (as I have), it’s this group.

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“Hola.”

He pronounces the h.

Colin:

HO-LA BITCH!

Also, dick joke.

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“Little drink?”

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Correct.

But that bottle is dark and not cloudy.

(Kind of like this movie!)

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“Wine, music, candlelight – I think we’ve traveled down this road before, Jack.”

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“Yes we have.”

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^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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He flirts just like Buzz Lightyear in Spanish mode.

Colin:

I want someone to liken my flirting to something in Spanish mode.

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“Do you recall St. Dominique?”

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“La Martinique. I tried to kill you in St. Dominique.”

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“Either or.”

Colin:

They’re gonna play through their past together. This feels a bit like a Bond movie.

I like that he can’t differentiate between when she liked him or tried to kill him.

That’s how you know the sex was really good.

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DON’T GIVE HER YOUR BOOZE WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY THAT’S LESS FOR YOU

Colin:

We are of one mind.

Also, just so we’re all clear — toasts are the worst idea ever invented. Toasts, raising your glass. Why would you willingly put the booze further away from your mouth?

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“Hardly appropriate for a first mate.”

“Was I the first? I’ve often wondered.”

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“You can be so charming when you want something, Jack.”

Especially when it’s a piece of THAT ASS.

“The trick is finding out what.”

I like how she dodges the question of whether or not he was her first.

But judging by the fury she has, which hell hath no, I’m gonna guess — probably.

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Oh… it’s a tango now. Subtle.

Colin:

Damn, he turned it up. Graham sounds like he’s out of the Gipsy Kings.

It’s funny to me that he played this while also in the middle of playing Al Capone on Boardwalk Empire.

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He tells them to forget Blackbeard. They can go to the Fountain together and engage in various “debaucheries.”

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I’d engage in various debaucheries with Penelope Cruz too, but jizzing in the Fountain of Youth just seems really cruel.

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That’s the one shot they cut wide for?

Come the fuck on, Rob Marshall.

What are you saying, that you’d rather be doing a musical than this?

Well, have fun with Into the Woods. I’m sure that inevitably changed ending will greatly benefit from the studio touch.

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“Can I trust you, Jack?”

The answer is yes. You always say yes to the titties.

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“I need you on my side.”

Colin:

Nah, no sides. She should be on top. In a kiddie pool full of lotion. Penelope just seems like an on top kinda girl.

And not just cause of this, right?

(Totally randomly watched that in a theater, too.)

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Colin:

Tittie tattoo!

Wouldn’t it be funny if Davy Jones also did tattoos?

Davy Jones’s Ink.

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“Well, my dearest Angelica, you and I are as thick as thieves, love.”

Or were. Have been. Once.

“Tell me the rules.”

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“Water, from the fountain of Youth.”

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“The shimmering tear of a mermaid.”

Must it be shimmering?

Colin:

Oh, she’s on top now. And the power is hers.

And don’t feed them after midnight? Is that the last rule? I feel like that should always be the last rule. Just like how I feel about what should always be the sixth answer on every multiple choice test.

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“The silver chalices of Ponce de Leon.”

You know what’s funny? No one ever thinks about what ‘ponce’ means.

I guess that’s all water under the dam.

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It’s hard to tell if he’s getting off from her or the information.

Colin:

No, I can tell.

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“With these items, you can take all the years from another, Jack.”

Though that means the ritual requires a victim.

Colin:

They gotta have a victim. That’s cool. Someone can die.

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“I find my desire for the Fountain greatly lessened.”

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Erection humor.

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GODDAMN.

Colin:

My dear god, titties though. These make Keira look like a 12 year old.

Yeah, but we’d all still bend that shit like Beckham.

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“But there is something on board you do want.”

Three things. (I know what she’s gonna tell him.)

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That’s not a chastity belt, is it?

Colin:

What a dumb invention that is.

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I like shots of people opening giant double doors.

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Colin:

Ships in bottles. Wait, are these real? Is he bottling ships? HOW has he never come up before? This makes him more dangerous than Davy Jones. Why didn’t he try to bottle the Dutchman? I can’t accept that this guy lives in the same universe as all the other crazy, supernatural badasses we’ve met.

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Colin:

And of course, there’s the Pearl.

“The Black Pearl in a bottle? Why is the Black Pearl in a bottle?”

Why did you have to say it like that?

Colin:

Because it sounds like “Why is the rum gone?” and doing it differently would require thinking of something new.

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FYI, there is lightning in that bottle.

In case you didn’t get it.

(Also, assuming that’s why there is lightning, I bet if he’s got a French ship in there, it’s all sunny out and the seas are calm as shit.)

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Colin:

Monkey.

Rock.

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“It’s even more annoying in miniature.”

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“Do we have a deal, Jack?”

So, what’s the deal? You help me, I give you this ship back? Take that shit and dive off. I’m sure it works like a Poké Ball.

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“Angelica, I know you. You are not going to steal the life of some innocent man.”

But what about the one-legged man? She needs years for her father.

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“I am, truly, the daughter of Blackbeard.”

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“You’ve fallen for your own con, love.”

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“No. He is my father. The lies I told you were not lies.”

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“You lied to me by telling me the truth?”

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“Yes.”

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“That’s very good. May I use that?”

Colin:

Sometimes you have to tell the truth with the SPIRIT of lying.

That’s how I live my life every day.

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She wants a father.

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“Angelica – your father, Blackbeard –”

Kill me now. Why did you have to throw in the “Blackbeard”? We were just TALKING about who her fucking father is. We know it’s fucking Blackbeard!

“He is evil. And he will kill you, given the chance. He cannot be saved.”

I like the presumption that he knows her father better than she does.

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“And who are you to set the limits on redemption? You stole years of my life, Jack. You owe me.”

How many years are we talking? How about we get a little more specific as to their relationship? Because at first this makes it seem like she was gonna be a nun, he fucked her, he went on his way, and she got all corrupted because of it. The way she talks, it’s like they dated for a few years. Maybe iron that one out before we continue. I want to know just how badly we’re fucking up Sparrow’s character right now.

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“And you are en route to getting yourself killed.”

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“And I am not inclined to stand by and watch.”

Colin:

I really don’t know what their deal is together. Who loves who, who’s just trying to get what they want, what the hell is up?

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And they’re at the bay. What a coincidence.

Colin:

Did they get there first?

I’m assuming that is Whitecap bay. Where there are hats for white people.

White people love having hats.

White people in groups.

Any people in groups, really.

But mostly white people.

Black people wear hats, but the hats they wear have to do with what outfit they’re wearing that day. Don’t wanna fuck up the colors.

Colin:

I’m not into hats. Even hats that I should like. People will be like, “This is the same type of fedora that Humphrey Bogart used to wear!” Yeah, well then why does it look shitty on you and everyone else?

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This is too dark.

Why have they decided to make everything so dark?

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This shot exists for no reason. Thy both look at the moon. She says some weird shit about how this is a new moon and is perfect for hunting mermaids. Completely inconsequential.

I think the one question we all have, though, is — how waxed is that gibbous?

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Old school lighthouses look awesome.

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Right, though?

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Colin:

Why do they need light?

Because they can. Look at that fucking lighthouse. I’d do that shit too.

I wanna live in a lighthouse.

Colin:

I’m good with just a regular house, but I want it to have lights. Cause if you don’t have lights, you may as well be Amish. Ugh.

“You suck! You don’t deserve a car!”

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They’re the bait. Mermaids are apparently drawn to man-made light.

Colin:

And now they’ve just explained everything I was able to figure out in advance.

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I guess they like man-made light because… they wanna be, where the people are.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

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“I heard a kiss from a mermaid protects a sailor from drowning.”

They can also blow you for like, hours.

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Booze.

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“Don’t be a fool. Mermaids are all female, son.”

All… right.

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“Sing. They like to hear singing.”

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And they’re singing.

I cannot believe this is happening.

Colin:

You’re singing a pretty gay song.

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Colin:

The mermaid’s gotta take the black guy first, right? Cause we’re not supposed to like him.

The religious guy. Please let it be the religious guy. Eat him.

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It’s an Amanda Seyfried mermaid.

Colin:

Goddamn. Goddamn. You got titty covers?

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Right, though?

(P.S. In case you don’t know where she’s from — she was the chick in The Strangers.)

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This motherfucker wants to stab that chick.

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“Can you talk?”

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“Yes.”

That’s funny — he goes to stab her, she swims away, and he talks to her, so she comes right back up.

The old guy can still stab you, you know.

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She ain’t got no shirt on.

Colin:

She is NOT wearing a top.

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Wouldn’t it be great if he started discussing politics with her?

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She ain’t got no panties on, either.

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But there’s a reason for that one.

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They hold him back, but he’s like, “No. My life has been shitty. I want it to be said that I got a kiss from a mermaid. I don’t care if she kills me.”

Colin:

Where you gonna fuck her? The fish hole?

The Fish Hole.

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And now she’s singing.

Colin:

She’s playing you like a punk.

She’s way too fine. No good can come of this.

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Can mermaids not sense a trap?

What’s also funny is that squalay kind of sounds like a noise a dolphin would make.

Colin:

Why would all these guys be chilling here in this boat with a light on them? How much more Ackbar can you get?

Lobsters.

Technically Davy Jones was the Admiral Ackbar of this franchise.

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Colin:

Oh nuh-uh. Get me outta here.

Seriously, though — the way they’re surrounding this boat. No good can come of this.

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A black one.

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How does a mermaid happen?

Colin:

Well, Mike, when a human and a fish love each other very much…

…they fuck? I guess?

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MERMAID ASS.

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Colin:

Don’t sharks ever wanna eat them?

Do they ever want to eat sharks?

It’s been five franchises now, and not one person has eaten a shark.

I am very disappointed.

Because four of them had opportunities where that could have happened.

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Oh fuck no. That bitch pulling you out of the boat.

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GPOY

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Colin:

Annnnnnd doo doo.

Looks like somebody’s been practicing her… scales.

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MERMAID TITTIE!

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OH SHIT he just SMACKED her in the face with that oar!

Colin:

OAR TO THE FACE! This guy needs to be given a medal of some sort for that shit. That was a champion move.

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Colin:

All of them together could easily capsize this boat.

Especially considering what we see in the scene after this.

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Oh, shit is on now.

Colin:

How are they supposed to get a TEAR? Are they gonna catch one? Was that why they had the nets?

Maybe they should throw oil in the water.

It works for Indians.

(Which — there’s another reason white people suck. We call an entire race of people something wrong because they thought they were going somewhere else. And, not to mention — we fucking killed them.)

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FLYING MERMAID TACKLE!

Tina Tate, Sea Linebacker.

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Cool/warm.

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I hope when he pulls him up, his jugular is gone.

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Isn’t it a commandment not to Sparta kick a mermaid?

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Pretty sure 90% of all current horror movies feature a shot like this.

Colin:

An angry black woman? Yup.

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Also, doo doo cloud.

If I were them, I’d shit everywhere.

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GODDAMN THIS OLD GUY CAN FIGHT

Colin:

THAT WAS THE SAME GUY THAT DID THE OAR! SWORD TO THE STOMACH!

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Zombie movie.

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That’s not water, that’s Chinatown jizz soup.

Colin:

Oh man. That jizz soup. Good times.

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1224

I love these flying tackles they do.

Colin:

Why does all of this look shitty?

Why Does All of This Look Shitty?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1225

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1226

Orlando’s gonna have a lot of work to do now.

Colin:

What tells me the religious guy’s gonna live?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1227

Oh, this’ll be good.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1228

Now… I’m no physicist… but throwing a lit barrel into water… doesn’t that put it out?

Colin:

Depth charges. Dunno how that works with something that has a wick.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1229

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1230

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1231

CGI explosion. You suck.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1232

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1233

Not exactly Jaws, is it?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1234

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1235

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1236

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1237

Colin:

He can control the whole ship? AND the flames? Why’d he give orders for them to shoot the flames before, then? I’m so confused.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1238

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1239

Colin:

And he’s gonna trap them all in the shallows and net them?

This is how they caught fish in Mutiny on the Bounty.

Colin:

This is where things start getting weir-d. 

BRONZE AGE FISHING PUN AND I’M OUT

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1240

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1241

What the fuck is that shit, Rapunzel?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1242

Isn’t it amazing how this movie introduces supernatural shit and then goes so many steps too far that you go, “Wait, this is so stupid I’d actually rather have went along with the supernatural shit.”

Okay, there are mermaids. They only exist in this one bay we’ve never seen nor heard about before. They are all piranha and shit. And then all of a sudden, their hair extends for like, a hundred feet and can pull grown men underwater. And I go, “What the fuck? Can’t they just be mermaids? I could maybe go along with that.” It’s like, “Hey, there’s this supernatural ship and Blackbeard can control the ropes. Oh, but he also turned his officers into zombies.” Wait, what?

This movie is just a big bowl of what the fuck?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1243

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1244

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1245

Seriously — what is this?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1246

“Cowards! Back in the water. There’ll be no refuge on land. By my word.”

Colin:

That’s some Soviet shit. You’re all getting taken down by the enemy, and when you try to retreat, your boss kills you. Nice.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1247

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1248

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1249

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1250

Jaws.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1251

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1253

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1254

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1255

“Come on!”

Colin:

Of course she gets caught. And of course he saves her. “See? We’re on the same team!” The required good-faith gesture. Speaking of good faith, is religious guy dead yet?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1256

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Tally ho over a mermaid!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1258

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1259

Colin:

Ew. That one doesn’t look hot at all.

That one looks like if Lon Chaney and that demon from the painting in Twilight had a mermaid.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1260

Colin:

How are they busting through the wooden dock? Are we to believe that creatures that could bust through thick wooden planks like nothing would be stymied by a NET?

Logic.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1261

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1262

Colin:

And by the way, literally none of this looks good. I’m worried about what we’re gonna do for shots.

Drink heavily and figure something out.

I mean, we found shots for The Phantom Menace. We’ll find shots for this.

It’s not like we’re comparing it to the other three. We just have to find ones from this that we liked.

So basically we’ll just repeat the same shit we like. That’s usually how we make it through.

Colin:

Phantom Menace. What fun that was. I remember sending you my picks, including this shot, and you going, “Wait, why would you include that shot?” And then it all made sense. 

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1263

Colin:

What’s he even doing?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 749

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1264

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1265

Colin:

Is the religious guy gonna get it?! Oh please please please!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1266

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1267

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1268

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1269

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And you are immediately crushed by falling rocks.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1272

Colin:

Slow motion 3D shot.

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1275

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1276

Bitch got caught.

Colin:

YOU’RE KIDDING ME! He was just about to get eaten, and then I suppose God threw a rock on the mermaid. Son of a bitch.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1277

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1278

Colin:

Wow, they’re out this bitch. For some reason.

They’re drawn to man-made light, but hate fire. Perfect sense.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1279

He wants them to find one mermaid still alive.

Colin:

And of course Graham isn’t dead. He couldn’t be. He’s already had too much dialogue to die so early.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1280

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Colin:

Wait, is the religious guy gonna be the only one who got a mermaid? Son of a bitch.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1285

Colin:

STAB THE MERMAID!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1286

Colin:

Don’t feel bad for it because it’s one of God’s creatures. NET THAT HO!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1287

Colin:

Show me yo titties.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1288

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1289

Colin:

Give me your tears, mermaid, or I will take them from you.

So my country can be free.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1290

“Well done, sailor.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1291

Colin:

See that? Self-righteous people never want to take credit from bad people. Just be like, “Yeah, I did something good.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1292

“Did everyone see that, because I will not be doing it again.”

He’s starting to sound more like Dudley Moore than Jack Sparrow.

Colin:

Depp wants to make sure everyone saw that baller shit he just did. It was pretty cool, compared to the lame shit the rest of them were doing.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1293

And that’s the end of the merbullshit.

Yawn.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1294

Colin:

Aw, Weathertop, you guys!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1295

Kicking a dead mermaid with a peg leg.

A Pirate’s Tale by Hector Barbossa.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1296

“Give up this madness now.”

“I cannot. Ever walk on the beach, look back, and see your footsteps in the sand? It’s like that, except the footsteps lie before me.”

That is not a Barbossa line.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1297

“Footstep.”

Colin:

Wait, is the other guy serving under Barbossa…is that Gillette from the first movie?

He’s a sarcastic prick, too.

Colin:

That is a nice touch. I hope he gets smacked the fuck up.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1298

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1299

And there go your men.

Colin:

Hah. The dudes on the ship are all fucked.

But a net? They can’t stop that shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1300

“Gibbs, I require a heading.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1301

“Sire, the men—”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1302

“They be dead already.”

“They don’t sound dead.”

“Is that so?”

Colin:

YES! Barbossa knew this would happen and he don’t give a fuck. Seriously, what are you gonna do at this point? What does this guy think they’re gonna do?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1303

“Well I hear nothin’ but seagulls nesting. What is it that you hear?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1304

“Seagulls.”

Colin:

Yeah, you don’t hear shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1305

“Heading, Gibbs?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1306

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1307

“Your head or me heading, I’ll have one or t’other, I don’t care which.”

One or t’other.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1308

Colin:

Gibbs and Jack need to be reunited before too long. They’re both in roughly the same place.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1309

Colin:

Does she need to be in water?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1310

Colin:

Who’s on that ship? I wouldn’t trust dudes on that ship unless it was one of the zombie dudes. Maybe. The safest thing to do would be to bring everyone along and leave the ship, but then it could be taken by someone else. Do ships have keys? Ships should have keys.

Hang on, emailing the patent office. This could be my big break.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1311

“It’s to you now, Sparrow.”

Colin:

So Jack knows where shit is…what happened to his compass?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1312

“Was that really necessary?”

“Best you not know the whereabouts of my ship, I be a cautious man.”

“So be I.”

Colin:

Ahah! So no keys!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1313

“What I want first –”

Isn’t it great how he doesn’t want him to know the whereabouts of his ship but he has a fucking compass that’ll tell him anything he wants to know?

Colin:

Holy plot holes, Batman!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1314

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1315

“Is Ponce de Leon’s ship.”

Colin:

That guy in the back…WHAT is his hairstyle?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1316

Colin:

So that’ll probably make the shots list. Wide, bright, painting-y. 

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1317

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1318

All right, then, Peter Jackson.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1319

Wait, where are we going? Somebody stop the camera, we’ve gone too far.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1320

Honestly, there should only be one song playing now.

Colin:

Why do I always assume it’s going to be Whatzupwitu?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1321

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1322

Colin:

The Ark of the Covenant?

Weird how they’re just carrying a mermaid to make it cry.

Can’t you just ask her to cry and then you’ll let her go?

Or do what they did with Shirley Temple. Sit her down before a take, tell her her parents are dead and call action.

Colin:

That’s one way of finding a Temple of gloom.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1323

I have a love/hate relationship with swamps. On the one hand, it’s cool having water that high and shit. On the other – stuff lives in there. I don’t fucks with that.

Colin:

Stuff Lives There. I Don’t Fucks With That.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1324

More exposition. Two cups, one tear. The person who drinks from the cup with the tear gets all the years of life from the person who drinks the other.

Two Cups, One Tear.

Colin:

What do you want to bet it’s the other way around? The person with the tear dies.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1325

“How many years?”

Colin:

Couldn’t she bust this glass and then be free in this water that they’re waist-deep in?

She’d fuck them UP in such an enclosed space, too.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1326

Hey, that’s the same snake from that other island.

Colin:

This makes the second time in this franchise they’ve used the wrong kind of snake. This isn’t a poisonous variety, it’s a milk snake. And considering that it’s blatantly CGI, you’d think they could have gotten that right.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1327

Well all right.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1328

All the years that they have lived, and they could have lived.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1329

“If fate had been kinder.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1330

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1331

You’re a crazy bitch.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1332

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1333

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1334

“Clergyman. On the off chance that this does not go well for me, I would like it noted here and now that I am fully prepared to believe in whatever I must so that I may be welcomed into that place where all the goody goodies get to go.”

“We have a word for that, Jack. You can convert.”

“I was thinking more of an as-needed basis.”

Colin:

Man, why’d we get this religious guy? Mike told me there was a character that was gonna make me wish we had Orlando Bloom back, and he was almost right. This guy doesn’t make me wish Orlando Bloom was back, but he makes me wish someone better than either of them was here instead.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1335

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1336

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

(You motherfuckers were crazy if you thought that wasn’t going to appear anywhere in the articles for this film. You must not know me at all.)

Colin:

Oh NO.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1337

“She cannot breathe.”

“She has water.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1338

“She needs air.”

Colin:

She’s playing them. Don’t trust this bitch. Drill an air hole. That’s it.

This scene gives you a basic understanding of the greenhouse effect.

(Science!)

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1339

“I support the missionary’s position.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1340

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1341

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1342

Colin:

She wasn’t faking? Maybe she wasn’t.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1343

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1344

“See?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1345

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1346

Too fast!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1347

Honestly, that’s pretty much what they’re good for, anyway.

Colin:

Yes, I support the use of Bibles as props and the like. Door wedges and stuff.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1348

“Onward.”

Colin:

Onward. (…was that cause he’s a Christian soldier?)

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1349

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1350

Colin:

Green shit. Crouching Tiger?

Plant shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1351

I like that Jack is just hacking his way through the thicket with a machete. More scenes of people doing that.

Colin:

I wish to one day have the opportunity to hack at stuff indiscriminately with a machete.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1352

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1353

Colin:

Lots of dizzying falls in this franchise.

And yet that doesn’t freak me out nearly as much as that fucking hotel in Diamonds Are Forever. Goddamn I still get dizzy just thinking about that.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1354

“Just as I thought.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1355

“Not this way.”

Colin:

That line always makes me think of Switch in The Matrix before Joe Pantoliano pulls her plug. That was funny as hell. “Not this way. Not this way.” *SLUMP*

What’s funny is the amount of times I think of that line on a daily basis. That’s one of those lines I think we all remember that’s just ungodly funny. Watching her just fall to the fucking floor.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1356

“This is the way, isn’t it?”

“Of course it is, but we should go around to the east.”

“That would take us out of the path of the chalices.”

“Well, we’ll circle back.”

“There is no time.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1357

“You’re the one who insisted on bringing a bloody mermaid.”

“Well the mutiny didn’t help.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1358

“You walk like a girl.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1359

“You would know.”

OH SHIT. She got him back but good.

I love that line. I don’t know why I love that line so much, but I do.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1360

“Someone must go.”

“You mean split up?”

“You mean jump?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1361

“Sparrow will go. Find the ship, retrieve the chalices.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1362

“What makes you think he will come back?”

“Yes, what makes you think he will come back?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1363

“We cannot trust him, father.”

I like that he’s just shaking his head along with her.

Colin:

This is good. “Don’t trust him. I’ll go.” And he’s like, “Yeah, I don’t wanna go. Uh..I’m not trustworthy.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1364

“I’ll go.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1365

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1366

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1367

“How much father to the Fountain? I’m running out of time.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1368

“About a day’s march north, following that river, get to a series of pools, and you’re close.”

How do you know that? Your compass just tells you the direction. It doesn’t tell you how far something is.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1369

“You will go.”

Colin:

Aw, he had to give up his compass.

He had that shit since the fourth grade.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1370

“I was sure it would come to this.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1371

Colin:

His hair is really lighter brown in this one. What’s that about?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1372

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1373

“Hold my machete, tree.”

Colin:

Hold My Machete, Tree.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1374

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1375

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1376

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1377

“You know that feeling you get sometimes when you’re standing in a high place? Sudden urge to jump?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1378

“I don’t have it.”

Colin:

Why do I feel like that line was in the trailer?

Because they make it really obvious which lines are trailer bait.

Colin:

“Welcome to the Caribbean, love.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1379

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1380

“I need those chalices.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1381

“Shoot. Save me the bother of the fall.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1382

“You will go. You will return. Or I will kill her.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1383

Colin:

He’s gonna kill his DAUGHTER? What the hell is THIS about?

I like how he’s so certain about it. Like, “No, you’ll go, and you’ll live.”

It’s that kind of attitude that makes people survive.

Like, “Six double teams in a row? Fissure will hit.” And it does.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1384

“You won’t kill your own daughter.”

Even if he will, why do you care?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1385

“Quatermaster – get me six more pistols, remove the shot from all but two but do not tell me which two.”

Colin:

Russian roulette?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1386

“You get to choose, Mr. Sparrow.”

MAO!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1387

“No.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1388

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1389

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1390

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1391

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1392

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1393

Colin:

“I love you, Nicky.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1394

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1395

“Again.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1396

“Please – they’re not even loaded.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1397

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1398

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1399

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1400

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1401

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1402

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1403

“Again.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1404

“If you’re so keen on killing her, why don’t you just – let her jump?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1405

“If you jump, and die, then she will have her chance.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1406

“If I jump – will I survive?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1407

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1408

Colin:

Wait, if he throws the doll down…even if it survives, what if later a fish bites it all up or something?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1409

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1410

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1411

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1412

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1413

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1414

“Yes. Now you will survive.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1415

“This is nonsense. I’m going.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1416

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1417

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1418

Colin:

Beat you to it. Just gotta jump.

David Lee Roth:

Might as well.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1419

Colin:

OOOOOOOH SHITTTTTTT

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1420

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1421

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1422

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1423

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1424

“Wet. Wet again.”

Colin:

 Something about this line…I accept it.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1425

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1426

“You knew which guns were loaded, right?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1427

“Of course, my love.”

Colin:

Why would that even matter? What does he do if the first pistol chosen is one of the loaded ones, or if Jack had picked up the loaded one and given it to Blackbeard to try? Just NOT pull the trigger?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1428

END OF PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and… the movie actually getting good.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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