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Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Part IV — “Go Home and Get Your Fucking Prayer Box”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start On Stranger Tides. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fourth part of On Stranger Tides:

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We begin Part IV with Barbossa and Gibbs.

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“Be nice to have a map right about now.”

Colin:

Or booze.

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“Or a ship.”

Colin:

Or booze.

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“Stop.”

Colin:

Or boo– oh.

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“Hold very still.”

Barbossa’s face during this entire scene is amazing.

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“Dare not let it touch your skin.”

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Pretty sure that’s not what happens when you grab a frog with tweezers.

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“What? What be wrong with an old man having a hobby?”

Colin:

This is a funny face.

Restraint.

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Colin:

I’ll accept this if they never bring it back. This’ll be funny and awesome if just this one time, Barbossa’s like, “Yeah, I like frogs, bitch, AND what? Fuck you, I got a life too.” If they NEVER bring this back, other than like, a random frog in a jar in his cabin in the back of a shot later on…I’ll be totally cool with this.

And yet they do kind of bring it back, but on the other hand — it’s still pretty funny.

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“What are you stopping for, push on! You can sleep when you’re dead.”

You’ll be easier to search then, too.

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“Fortune continues to favor us.”

Daddy loves Froggy. Froggy love Daddy?

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And here’s Jack running through a forest.

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Riveting shots.

Colin:

Have you seen Modern Times? There were some riveting shots in that. 

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“Fuck you, bush.”

Colin:

Did he just fall down and then slash the ground several times cause he was pissed at it? This is goofy and I would do it and I approve.

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Also, why does this deserve the “mischief” theme?

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That’s not even the right run.

God, they’re fucking this up.

Colin:

Why do movie characters always run though the shallow water when there’s plenty of sand?

I think it’s the childish thing to do. Always run through the puddle.

(These are the things actors think about.)

(Plus it’s just that much more ridiculous that he’s running through that instead of the sand.)

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I like these shots better when nobody’s in them.

Colin:

Ooooh, yeah.

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Obviously a top ten shot.

At least Marshall did one thing right.

Colin:

That’s one gaping rock vagina.

It looks almost like the poster for For Your Eyes Only.

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“The Santiago.”

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“Famously captained by Ponce de Leon.”

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Well, I approve of that. He’s giving exposition to imaginary people. At least he’s in on the joke.

Colin:

Found the ship? Talking to himself.

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“Oh.”

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“There’s no one there.”

Or… not.

GODDAMNIT. Can’t you not let him wink for one goddamn second? Now you’re making me think he’s talking to the other Jacks.

And he just spoke exposition. He doesn’t get a pass anymore.

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“Right, then.”

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Colin:

I thought this would look good. But nope. Nothing in this movie looks good. What the hell?

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Clearly not CGI. Not at all.

Colin:

They make the camera shaky so you can’t see her titty balls.

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Colin:

This shit’s gonna break. Watch.

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You moron.

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Colin:

Called it.

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Do you know how much a glass coffin costs?

That’s coming out of your paycheck.

Colin:

Do pirates get paychecks? I guess you could say that if they break something, it comes out of their booty.

He’s gonna have to give up ten percent of his plunder for six weeks, and buy Blackbeard a new hat.

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I like how the quartermaster is just watching. No one gives a shit. Like, “Oh, so she’s on the ground now.”

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Floppity flop flop.

But she do got an ass.

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Eww. She’s all scaly and shit.

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Also – way to find a magical loophole.

Colin:

That’s where you do her, in her magical loophole.

But what? She got Ariel’ed just like that? Is that how that works?

I also like how no one even reacts to it. It’s like, “Oh, she has legs now. That’s good. She can walk.” Because otherwise it would have been, “Well now what the fuck do we do?” Do you wait and make her give you the tear now or else she’ll die? Do you have some asshole carry her? Because I bet that ends well. Her biting all of their throats and them having her slip all around like a wet bar of soap. The magical loophole really made things work out.

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A HA HA they cut to the kid when she turned into a naked woman.

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Yeah… not the best place you wanna be right now.

Colin:

OH C’MON JUST A NIP SLIP

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Colin:

Naturally the religious guy needs to ruin all our fun.

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Hmm.

“You will walk.”

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That’s not how you walk.

Colin:

HAHAHA bitch you know you can’t walk

Bitch You Know You Can’t Walk

(But you know I like it when bitches walk.)

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“I cannot.”

But you can talk, though.

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“Walk or die.”

So die. Then he doesn’t get his tear and you’re all fucked.

Colin:

Walk or Die sounds like if Diddy was organizing a walking fundraiser for MS or something.

Just wrote a scene where a gangster shows up at a faith healer’s tent and tells him to make crippled children walk at gunpoint.

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That’s her mad face.

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“Put your arms around me.”

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“I do not ask for help.”

“You need it.”

Also a mark of religious people. “You need my help.” “No I don’t.”

Religious people and America. (Which, honestly goes hand in hand most of the time.) They just think people need and want their help and it’s their duty to go do it.

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Colin:

He’s gonna get some of that mermaid pussy later. Maybe she’ll stay human and stop eating people. That’d be nice.

Maybe She’ll Stay Human And Stop Eating People. That’d Be Nice.

But yeah, he’s totally gonna get inside her magical loophole.

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As he picks her up, you can hear them clearly steal a riff from The Fountain score, which is one of the most underappreciated (and most stolen) scores of the past decade.

(Also, Sunshine. The main theme of Sunshine is stolen so goddamn much. They use it in trailers and even fucking used it in Kick-Ass. In the movie! That score is amazing, and people hear that song and think of it as the song from Kick-Ass. It’s disgusting how that works.)

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“We’re in a hurry, yes?”

Colin:

She is crazy hot, though.

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“Do not fall behind.”

I appreciate his indifference.

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Maybe take the fucking debris off your hands. You look like Naomi Watt’s titty.

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Best part of this scene – right at the end, this dude starts making hand motions like, “Let’s go, we’re moving.”

Good job, Tatanka.

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FYI, guys — half this movie was shot at night.

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Seriously, though – Peter Jackson.

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There’s so much not to like about this image.

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“Hold here, til I say.”

Colin:

These huge tree roots remind me of that part in The Magnificent Seven when Horst Buchholz finds the Mexican chick by the river. Trees just like this.

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Why? Why are we holding here? This looks like where Sean Bean tried to kill Frodo.

And a Whomping Willow.

Only bad can come of this place.

Colin:

Oh, you thought of a different place.

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Oh, that’s why we’re holding here. Exposition.

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“Such beauty. Surely you’re one of God’s own creations. And not a descendant of those dark creatures who found their refuge on the Ark.”

Really? Did you just say mermaids were on Noah’s Ark and that all evil was still descended from evil shit being on the Ark? Are you even listening to your bullshit?

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“Such beauty.”

Why are you saying it again? Now you sound like a pervert.

She’s also clearly like 16.

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“Yet deadly.”

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“Deadly? No.”

What do you mean, no? You just KILLED like thirty sailors on that dock. Just because he’s not dead doesn’t make you any less deadly.

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“You attacked me.”

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“No. You are different.”

No… you still attacked him.

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“Different?”

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“Are you not?”

(“No.” “Well then all right, I attacked you.”)

“You protect.”

She, Fifth Element.

Colin:

I can’t tell, though — is she playing him like they played the others, or does she MEAN that he’s different? Cause he is, but not in the best way.

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“You pushed me down out of the way.”

Horse shit.

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But she sold that. Sellers gonna sell. Buyers gonna buy.

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Dude, your midsection is freaking me the fuck out right now.

That one part isn’t tanned at all and it looks like your chest has a beard.

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“Bring the creature, cover its head.”

If I had a nickel…

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“She has a name!”

Does she?

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Goddamn. She wanna get fucked.

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“Pray tell.”

That is the correct reaction. I haven’t heard a name. And she is a creature.

I like when the villains tear down people’s bullshit the way I do.

I like it when anyone in a movie tears down people’s bullshit the way I do.

Colin:

That’d be awkward if she didn’t have a name. Please let her have no name. Because I want to see this bullshit torn down.

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Now don’t you feel like an asshole?

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She don’t even know her name.

(Also, what’s the shifty ass Asian dude doing back there? Did he hear raised voices and is in the process of instinctually bowing?)

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“She’s Syrena.”

Just like a religious person. Giving names to shit.

Colin:

Wait, did he name her? That’s cheating.

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And she just goes along with it.

I can’t believe he has the fucking balls to just give her a name. Maybe she has a fucking name. How about you ASK her her name before you give her one. And now that’s just gonna be her name from now on.

Man, fuck religion.

Colin:

I love how we’re ascribing everything bad about this character to his religion. But that’s because that’s how movies like this work. This character IS his religion, and that’s how he was written.

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I hope she’s sitting there, thinking, “Well that’s a stupid fucking name. He couldn’t have picked anything better? I wanted a cool name, but I guess I’ll have to use this piece of shit instead.”

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All of these scenes start the same way. Camera panning to the right, character entering frame, camera stopping when we get to whatever shot is going to get the scene to start.

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Nice place for a ship.

How come no one else has found it?

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Maybe he’s thinking the same thing.

But I doubt it.

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Why does the camera need to pan around it? And why does the score sound like a Batman score all of a sudden?

(Because Hans Zimmer did that one too.)

Colin:

Even this! Why is it so dark? Why do you refuse to give us better images?

I’m starting to formulate a theory that this film is deliberately shittier and different from the trilogy just to get those films out of our system and make it so they can just restart anew. Kind of like Tron: Legacy, which, lord knows I’ve said a thing or two about. Because this film gets better in its last hour. So it’s almost like them brining the shitty and tearing everything they built to the ground, just to build it back up again and start with the next movie. Because this movie ends on a mostly acceptable note after a decent conclusion, especially considering how bad the first sixty percent of this movie was. Which gives me hope that they have learned what not to do, and will base all the next movie on Jack and Gibbs and Barbossa and their pirate-y adventures. Because that’s all we need.

Colin:

I never have hopes for anything.

FYI, the fifth movie was the one where they made Nick Charles stop drinking.

So, fingers crossed that shit doesn’t happen.

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That’s a lot of gold.

Colin:

Hey, treasure.

Treasure Cove was fucking amazing.

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Right, though?

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Also, do you guys remember this?

Because that was fucking awesome too.

Man, our childhood was great.

Colin:

I’m gonna go play with Gak!

We should start a blog series called I Love My Childhood, and just find a bunch of shit that existed when we were kids and riff on it. It’ll be like I Love the 90s, only we can get all the people we know just to say shit about stuff.

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That chandelier amuses me. It’s pure crystal, and yet there are these ugly ass wax candles just sitting in it. That must have been a bitch to clean.

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GPOY

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“Ponce de Leon.”

Yeah, that’s how you tell the good Jack is gone for good.

If this were the other trilogy, Jack would have saw this and went, “…Eww.”

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“If forty pirates—”

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“Uh oh, the po-po, I didn’t do it!”

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But anyway –

“If forty pirates dreamt forty nights of treasure, it would not match the contents of this room.”

Colin:

Actually, the contents of this room don’t really even live up to the treasure Barbossa had on Isle de Muerta.

I think it does, just cause this is hundreds of years old, and the Isla de Muerta treasure was just some shit they stole. Presumably.

But quantity-wise, probably.

Though I guess he might also be talking intangibles.

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“You.”

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A HA HA THIS FACE

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“You.”

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“No.”

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“You.”

“I was here first. You – why are you here?”

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“Blackbeard sent me. Why are you?”

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“Silver chalices from a royal liege.”

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I love that trick he has. I don’t care if he does it all the time.

Though I would like him to embellish his final words. Like “when or whe-he-here.”

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“Oh, please.”

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Colin:

They have a score to settle. Barbossa stole Jack’s ship.

Pretty sure that’s been forgotten.

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“Back! Back! We have to balance it out.”

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“The whole ship will slide.”

Well how did he get over there before, then?

Colin:

There was no sliding before, and Barbossa was on his side all alone. What’s up with this logic?

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I’m actually amazed at the restraint they show in this scene. That the ship doesn’t fall to the ground and be destroyed forever.

It’s actually still there after they leave.

Though that’s not saying much. They love to give those throwaway lines to get rid of shit, like, “Isla de Muerta was reclaimed by the sea.” As if that was a loose end that needed tying.

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“Right, then.”

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“What if, we each choose an item of approximately equal weight?”

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“Put it back!”

This is great. I’d have loved to see them be pirates together. This is the only thing I care about in this movie. More Rush, more Depp. Together. That’s seriously all you need.

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“We touch nothin’.”

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“What about that?”

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Smart.

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“Oy, why do you get to look first?”

“Fine then!”

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I love this. Them switching sides. This is seriously the only part of this movie I care about.

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I love that he randomly does barrel rolls.

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So, aren’t these coins now falling through the cracks in the floorboards and through the bottom of the ship?

Also, did we ever ask how the ship got here in the first place?

This isn’t where I parked my car.

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Kick that shit!

Colin:

They’re gonna have to end up working together. That’s the only way it works.

But, if they all go to one side of the ship, doesn’t that just put them further back onto land? Isn’t one side of this thing on the land side of the cliff?

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“Together.”

They say, together.

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“Rocks.”

Another repeated line.

Also, how’d you get the rocks on board without tilting that ship?

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“The Spanish.”

Well it would be weird if it was just some Rock Bandit who went around replacing shit with rocks for fun?

Some men just want to watch the world consolidate.

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“They’re ahead of us, mate.”

Or… they’re right behind you!

BOO!

A HA HA WE GOT YOU GUYS GOOD YOU ALMOST PISSED YOURSELVES.

All right, good laugh, let’s go get some quesadillas.

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Are they gonna draw dicks on him?

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This is awesome. Just chilling in bed with a skeleton.

Thank god this isn’t modern. Because a modern movie would have went for the cheap laugh and had him take a selfie.

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Look at his teeth.

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“I wonder why they left this behind.”

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Favorite line in this movie. Him mouthing “Don’t touch the map.”

This is seriously what this entire movie should have been. Just these two going on adventures.

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Colin:

What happens when you take the map? Is this like the Pale Man? What is it with the Spanish and seemingly dead, emaciated monster things?

Restraint.

Colin:

Restraint.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1631

“They know the path. But I can also see where they’ll most likely make camp.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1632

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1633

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1634

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1635

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1636

Colin:

The Spanish are predictable. Everyone knows this.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1637

Oz shot.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1638

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1639

“Jack!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1640

“Gibbs!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1641

“I was just on me way to break you out of jail.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1642

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1643

“You stole my map.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1644

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1645

“Best be started.”

Colin:

“You left me in jail.” “You stole my map.” And they’re both like, “Eh.”

That’s a friendship.

Colin:

You can steal my map. I’ll leave you in jail. Cause you’d be better at it than me.

Yup, I’ll be out of there within two years. That’s what they’ll call me. Shit Pipe Mike.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1646

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1647

WHY ARE WE TRACKING IN SO MUCH?!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1648

“Ole.”

Okay.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1649

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1650

I love how obviously this is a soundstage with the bare minimum of set design and just dark lighting to make it pass. Seriously, where did all the money go? This looks like the fucking Forbidden Forest in the first movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1651

“Mermaids.”

Guess who doesn’t give a shit about any of this?

Colin:

Ew, those used to be mermaids? They just sit here, getting harvested for tears? It’s like a tear matrix for mermaids. Maybe Syrena’s The One.

We need gills. Lots of gills.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1652

“Careful, these pools run deep. If she escapes, all is lost.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1653

She want that purple stuff.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1654

They left the mermaids out in the sun, half in the water. Not enough to live, but enough “to make the dying slow.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1655

“Think of it – your people, murdered, harvested for their tears. Syrena – won’t you cry?”

I like how he’s just calling her by this bullshit name.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1656

“All die, even you. Soon I hear.”

Where did you hear this?

Colin:

Oh, she knows you ‘boutta die, son. Better smack her. Why not just smack the tears out of her?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1657

“Listen – can you not hear your sisters scream?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1658

Do you not hear them?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1659

“We need but one tear.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1660

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1661

Colin:

And that’s exactly what they’re doing.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1662

“Vile creature.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1663

“Cut off her fingers, one by one.”

“Ah – choke her!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1664

“Where’s your voice in this?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1665

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1666

“Maybe she’ll have a change of heart when the sun rises.”

Why? Do cardiologists only work during the day?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1667

“She will burn, but I cannot wait for the sun. Perhaps we should build a fire.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1668

“Do not contest me, cleric.”

Colin:

I love it when people say perfectly normal titles with abnormal disdain.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1669

“I will tear every scale from her body one by one if I see fit. If that displeases you, go pray.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1670

A HA HA. Go pray.

Go home and get your fucking prayer box.

Colin:

Go Home And Get Your Fucking Prayer Box.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1671

“I was wrong. Not every soul can be saved.”

Colin:

Religious guy is being a prick. And contesting the word of his own god.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1672

“Behold, gentlemen, a man formerly of faith.”

A HA HA. I love people being dicks to religious people. They deserve it.

He threw that shit right back at him.

And the joke of it all is that the religious guy pays no attention to his hypocrisy at all.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1673

“That vile creature, as you call her, is worth a hundred of you.”

Well, yeah. On the right market.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1674

“You care for her?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1675

“You fancy her!”

I love that he’s doing that. Like, “Why do you give a shit? Oh, you want to fuck her! Don’t lie, you want to fuck her!” and then he just treats it as fact until it becomes fact. This is the way to win every argument.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1676

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1677

“The question is – does she fancy you?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1678

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1679

“By god she does!”

Colin:

Wait, this might get good. They have feelings for each other now. They don’t have to torture HER. They can just torture HIM. And Edward G. Robinson will show up saying, “WHERE’S YOUR MESSIAH NOW, SEE?!”

Edward G. Robinson should show up in everything and say that.

(Also, this.)

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1680

“Bring forth a tear, or witness the death of this poor soul.”

Colin:

What’s with franchises and harvesting tears?

Owen Lars had a fucking FARM just for it.

But, I love that they pulled a Slughorn and just had a vial on hand to collect various secretions.

Vial creature.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1681

“Syrena – if you could manage a tear, I would be grateful.”

You idiot. Tell her not to do it.

Wouldn’t him killing you make you go to your “god”? You’re a fucking hypocrite. You know who wasn’t a hypocrite? Sir Thomas More. That motherfucker was like, “Kill me, you’re only sending me to God.” This asshole is like, “I’m religious… but don’t fucking kill me.” He’s almost as bad as Blackbeard later in the movie.

That’s religion in a nutshell. “Everyone can be saved… especially me. Fuck everyone else. You give a tear so I can live. Who cares if they’re gonna leave you to die after you do it? Save my ass.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1682

“Sadness, yes. But no sorrow. Yet.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1683

“Time and tide wait for none. Quatermaster!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1684

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1685

Colin:

Did they just cut his throat?! YES!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1686

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1687

Wouldn’t that be great if he were really dead?

Colin:

Wait, he’s not gonna be dead. There’s no way. I don’t trust them.

Wouldn’t that have worked, though? if they actually cut his throat and threw his body away and that was the last we ever saw of him? Then all you need is one change and the rest of the movie works perfectly.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1688

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1689

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1690

She don’t cry for nobody.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1691

“My, mermaids are tough.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1692

“Get rid of this.”

This is why you have people.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1693

“You are confident?”

“Yes. I am a woman. So is she.”

Colin:

Penelope is a woman, indeed. But remember how Jack got with Judi Dench earlier?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1694

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1695

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1696

That’s how you know he isn’t dead. They cut back to this.

Colin:

See, they show the guys throwing the religious guy down. I don’t trust him to not be back.

I am so glad we notice the same shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1697

“What’s your play, Jack? Throwing in with Barbossa.”

“There is a girl. A female. Of the opposite sex.”

“When is there not?”

Colin:

Why don’t they ever talk about any of that shit that went down in the first three movies? No mention of Will or Elizabeth at all. I mean, I don’t want them making too much of it, but this is totally nothing.

I actually like that they don’t. You don’t want to tie yourselves too much to nostalgia.

But, my question is, why is Gibbs so confused as to why he’s helping Barbossa? You used to fucking WORK with the guy. Sure, he’s working for the king or whatever, but who the fuck else are you gonna help? Blackbeard?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1698

“Perhaps I should say damsel.”

“You’re rescuing a damsel? Well, there’s a first.”

Why? What does he usually do to damsels?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1699

“Well it’s just that I may have caused said damsel some distress many moons ago.”

“Out with it.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1700

“Gibbs – this is the woman from Seville.”

“Aye, you pretended to love her and then you broke her heart.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1701

“Worse – I may have had – briefly, mind you – stirrings.”

Colin:

Stirrings? Like the feelings kids started to have around age 12 in The Giver before they started taking pills to suppress them?

They’re making a movie of The Giver.

This was what I had to add.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on the toilet, practicing my royal wave.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1702

“What like – feelings, you mean?”

Top five line for the movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1703

“No, no, not quite all the way to feelings, more like – ”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1704

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1705

“All right, feelings, damn you.”

And that’s the end of Jack Sparrow as we knew him.

Colin:

And we find out that he had feelings for her. Might have even felt her down below.

If they’re making more movies, they can only kill her off, explain her away in the next movie or leave things as they began in this one.

It’s weird how they 180 on this later. He had feelings for her, but he never fucked her. And yet somehow corrupted her. These do not compute.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1706

“And you left her still. Ooh, that’s low.”

Really?

“Thank you.”

All right, I’ll give you a pass on that. You only did it to set up for the line.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1707

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1708

“Stealth over force. I’ll take it from here on account of your – condition.”

Colin:

Made fun of your peg leg. You gonna take that, Hector?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1709

This face.

“You don’t have termites, do you?”

“I appreciate your concern, Jack, but I’ll be keepin’ you company all the same.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1710

This is like the 30s. Only in the 30s did people wade through brooks.

Unless you were an escaped convict in the south.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1711

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1712

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1713

This shot.

More of them doing this.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1714

Colin:

C’mon, Spanishes. Be harder to sneak up on.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1715

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1716

Colin:

And the chalices are right there? This is like…babytown frolics.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1717

“Your sword smells funny.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1718

“Aye, poison. From the innards of poisonous toads. Just a scratch, you’re a dead man in minutes.”

Colin:

Wait, so that’s why he was collecting frogs? For poison? Oh, that makes it okay. He’s gonna poison some motherfuckers. Cool.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1719

“Would you mind pointing it the other way? I don’t like toads.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1720

“What are you doing?”

“Planning an escape route. Isn’t that how you do it?”

“Yes. But sometimes I just – improvise.”

Colin:

No way Jack plans escape routes. Except for that elaborately planned escape from the palace earlier in THIS film.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1721

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1722

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1723

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1724

Colin:

Remember how their whole goal was to destroy this shit in the name of Catholicism? I know it happens later, but if they know the chalices are required to perform the heathen ritual, wouldn’t they just have destroyed them right off? Also, doesn’t it seem strange that a naturally occurring fountain that provides youth would only be able to be used by some chalices clearly made within the past few hundred years? What did people do before they were made? What could they do after they’re gone?

Also, the water goes elsewhere, and must come from somewhere else on top of that. They didn’t think about any of this shit at all. Which is why the Spanish are totally unnecessary and you can do the Indiana Jones ending and just have it naturally implode on itself.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1725

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1726

Colin:

This guy’s a punk. Steal that shit.

Seriously. How do you not see THAT?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1727

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1728

Ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1729

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1730

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1731

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1732

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1733

Colin:

Got the other one. Seriously, this guy needs to be fired.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1734

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1735

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1736

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1737

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1738

Colin:

Annnnnd clonk.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1739

“Now what?”

“We stroll out, slow and steady. Just like we belong.”

Colin:

How are they just gonna walk out? Barbossa’s got the wrong uniform on.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1740

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1741

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1742

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1743

Colin:

If this guy lets them go, that would be simultaneously hilarious and stupid. I wouldn’t mind that, if we found out halfway through this movie that the Spanish are incompetent in EVERY way. Cause there’s already a competition between Black Beard and Barbossa (and Jack’s sorta on both teams), so we don’t even need the Spanish in the mix. What if they were just there as a backdrop? Like, the reason they weren’t paying attention to Barbossa on the ship earlier was cause they didn’t even SEE them. I wouldn’t mind that.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1744

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1745

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1746

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1747

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1748

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1749

They just beat the fuck out of everyone within seconds. It could have been shot better, but I enjoy that. No elaborate action scene. Guy notices them, they give the nod, they fuck everyone up, and they move on.

Colin:

Barbossa should stab all of them after they’re knocked out. Cause why not?

That sentence was so insanely funny to me.

Cause why not?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1750

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1751

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1752

Colin:

Caught.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1753

How many of us were waiting for him to say “parlay”?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1754

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1755

Fuck you and your knockout darts.

Colin:

Aw, c’mon. He’s getting up. Son of a bitch.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1756

He should get hit by a car right now.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1757

Titties.

Colin:

LET THEM TITTIES BREATHE, GIRL! MMMMMMMM

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1758

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1759

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1760

“You’re alive. You came for me.”

Kill both of them.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1761

“You’re different. Are you not? Do you know not of kindness – compassion?”

Colin:

She’s different, too! Aww, they’re both different. I hope he gets differently killed.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1762

“Take them to the Pensieve.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1763

A HA IT’S A TRAP

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1764

And not a single nip slip? I call bullshit.

Colin:

Seriously, not even a titty shot while they’re wresting her away from him.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1765

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1766

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1767

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1768

She’s got some hair on her face.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1769

“Tears of sorrow, never. Mermaids be too tough for that.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1770

“Tears of joy – they say these be the more potent anyway.”

Colin:

Got that tear. And it’s a tear of joy? Ain’t that a bitch.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1771

“Syrena, on my word, I had no part in this.”

Well that’s not true. At the very least, you were the Tool.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1772

Colin:

“Bull. Shit.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1773

“Let her go, you don’t need her now.”

That also doesn’t help your case, buddy.

“I swear, I had no part in this. *turns to other guy* Let her go. She wasn’t part of the bargain.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1774

“No.”

I love the way he says no. “Do this.” “No.” He honestly could let her go. But he’s not. Because he can.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1775

They’re gonna string her up to die with the others.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1776

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1777

Toby.

Colin:

I bet she sobs like a fat chick now.

But actually, though. The more I think about it. That “Toby” comment is surprisingly accurate, based on what has happened to her thus far.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1778

“How’s that escape route working?”

“Now’s your chance to improvise.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1779

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1780

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1781

“Oh, you’ve got a knife! That’s very good.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1782

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1783

“Better.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1784

Best wooden leg ever.

Colin:

OH. MY. GOD. That just made up for like 90 percent of this movie’s awfulness.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1785

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1786

This face. This face wins everything.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1787

“I want one of those.”

Colin:

Me too, Jack. Me too.

Seriously, though. That leg makes up for almost everything.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1788

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1789

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1790

“Here’s to revenge.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1791

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1792

“Revenge.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1793

“Come come, Hector. If you wanted the chalices, you’d seen they were missing and gone. You were lying in wait, for Blackbeard.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1794

“Oh?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1795

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1796

“King George privateer – wig – cheap theatrical facade, not buying it.”

Colin:

They’re gonna drink out of his wooden leg together and talk about shit. I can be down with the idea of this. Not saying I’m down with IT, per se.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1797

“You weren’t there that night.”

Because you stole the ship from him.

Colin:

They’re drinking out of a leg. While talking about things.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1798

“When the Pearl was lost?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1799

“Taken. Not lost. We were off the coast of Hispaniola when we came under attack. No provocation, no warning or offer of parlay. We were peppered with cannon fire.”

I like that they don’t cut back to it, but the sound effects are a little much.

Colin:

But now Geoffrey Rush is telling a cool story and I’m totally cool with this scene. This is awesome.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1800

“And then the sea beneath the Pearl began to roil. The Pearl was pitching and yawing violently. Every plank, every rail, every spar all at once began to creak. The rigging had come to life. Our own ship turned against us. Tangling the crew, wrapping around them like snakes. And wrapping around me leg -”

Just wanna say – this is the best part of this movie. Hands down.

Colin:

I’m still gonna have to at least consider Judi and Griffiths. Griffiths’ final shot is still my favorite single shot, probably.

Yeah, but those are diversions. This actually has to do with shit. We’ve spent three plus films with these characters. The others were just nice cameos. This actually means something, and it’s nice to see them have this scene.

I always like when people can go from being friendly to being opposed to one another, but can always sit down over booze and just talk about shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1801

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1802

“But me arms were free and my sword was at hand. I am the master of my ship, not Blackbeard. I am the master of my fate, not Blackbeard. So I did what needed done.”

Colin:

So he cut off his leg cause Blackbeard had it with a rope. His delivery is good. He’s the master of his ship and his fate. Fuck Blackbeard.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1803

That is exactly what needed done.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1804

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1805

“I survived.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1806

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1807

“So, you’re not after the Fountain?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1808

“I care not for King George or tavern yarns that give hope for a healed limb. But I’d give my left arm for a chance at Blackbeard.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1809

“Not your right?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1810

“I need me good arm to drive my poisoned blade through his heart.”

Colin:

I wanna see Rush kill Blackbeard. I hope it works out.

I’m glad we both really liked this scene. Because it’s really the best in the movie.

Colin:

Yeah. As a scene. This is best.

Until we hear the lamentations of the women, that is.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1811

“I’ll see you get the chance, mate.”

Colin:

That’s cool. Jack and Rush have different goals now, so they can work together and fuck everyone up. I’m down with that. The cool characters have to stick together.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1812

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1813

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1814

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1815

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1816

This actually starts off really nice, too.

Colin:

And he climbs a tree because the Spanish don’t know how to keep guard of prisoners.

They really are incompetent as fuck.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1817

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1818

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1819

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1820

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1821

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1822

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1823

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1824

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1825

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1826

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1827

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1828

Colin:

More coconut nonsense?

What a great album title.

More Coconut Nonsense

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1829

But now that I think about it — where was the previous coco… oh, I remember. He hit that shell dude in the head with one. Got it.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1830

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1831

Just like the sea turtles?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1832

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1833 Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1834

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1835

“The prisoner’s escaping.”

So maybe do something about it.

Colin:

The Spaniards all speak accented English. Cause…yeah.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1836

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1837

This is clearly a soundstage. Not even in a good way. Like a B movie in the 40s. But this is Disney. Not poverty row.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1838

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1839

Colin:

Not a lot of this movie is on ships, is it?

And all the ship scenes look like they’re on a soundstage anyway. Maybe that’s why it’s all at fucking night.

But I guess that’s what happens when you slash your budget from $300 million to $250 million.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1840

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1841

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1842

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1843

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1844

This looks so shitty.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1845

“I figured that was the signal.”

Why is your hair so short?

Colin:

The dudes are there to spring them? Why not just sneak in and cut them loose? Nobody was watching.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1846

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1847

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1848

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1849

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1850

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1851

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1852

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1853

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1854

…and here’s where you lost me.

Colin:

Nonsense. And not only that, it’s nonsense in the dark that we can’t even see. Why is so much of this movie done in the dark? The first three movies had shit done in the dark, but it was always a clearer shot. At least you could see what was up.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1855

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1856

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1857

Too many swings, too many perfectly timed kicks while swinging – too much.

This went from a great scene and cool escape to Shia LaBeouf and the monkeys.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1858

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1859