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Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Part V — “Shoo, Bitch, Get Out the Way”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start On Stranger Tides. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of On Stranger Tides:

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - Title Card

We begin Part V with this shot:

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1926

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1927

I like shots of people moving things away that are taking up the frame like this.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1928

Colin:

Tree motherfucking stars.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1929

“I could have swore it was somewhere right round here.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1930

This is an acceptable track in.

How is it possible I’m liking the third act of this movie better than the first two?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1931

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1932

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1933

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1934

Rack focus.

Also, where does he get all his eyeliner?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1935

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1936

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1937

That’s interesting.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1938

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1939

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1940

Colin:

And…through the water droplet shot. That’s a cool shot.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1941

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1942

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1943

I thought the water was going to lead him to the entrance, but it was literally right fucking in front of him the entire time.

Colin:

This reminds me of the grotto leading into Drax’s place in Moonraker. That anaconda trying to kill Roger Moore and failing, unfortunately.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1944

They’re doing a really bad job of letting us know he has no idea what he’s doing. The other films were better at that.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1945

This does look like Moonraker. All we need are sexy astronauts driving those yellow cars.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1946

I love opposing angle shots.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1947

Colin:

Caverns. Oh no. Caverns are usually bad news.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1948

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1949

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1950

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1951

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1952

Colin:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD DO IT AGAIN

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1953

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1954

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1955

“A ha! A dead end.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1956

Colin:

This actually reminds me of the Wishbone episode of Journey to the Center of the Earth.

We really need to bring back Wishbone.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1957

“Jack, I’m starting to think you don’t know where you’re going.”

Colin:

That is a tit for tats.

See what I mean, though? He doesn’t know where he’s going. But the whole time it’s never an issue. We know he doesn’t know where he’s going, because he asks everyone about what to do when he gets there, yet for some reason, they assume he knows.

And it’s never really brought up that the only reason he’s still alive is because he knows. You’d think it was because of the compass, but Blackbeard thinks he’s been there. And it’s never really explicitly stated and never becomes part of the action. It’s really poor storytelling all around.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1958

“It is not the destination so much as the journey, they say.”

Really? Because your journey sucked.

Colin:

The journey? Psh.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1959

“Chalices, if you please.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1960

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1961

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1962

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1963

“Stand back.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1964

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1965

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1966

You make my day-ay-ayyy!

Colin:

WA-TER! YOU MADE MY DAY-AY!

(I want to note that when going through the articles again to add extra comments on top of the original notes I took, I got to these few images and typed exactly the same thing again before scrolling down and seeing that we’d BOTH already written it. It just goes to show that there really is a way to read these images, and that this isn’t just two assholes writing whatever they want. It’s only like 70 percent that.)

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1967

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1968

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1969

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1970

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1971

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1972

“Jack, have you ever, with your own eyes, seen the Fountain of Youth?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1973

“I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1974

See? He’s gonna have this guy kill him now. But Jack had never once said he knew where it was, nor was he asked. They just assumed.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1975

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1977

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1978

“Wait – wait.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1979

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1980

“Aqua – de Vida.”

Colin:

Aqua de vida. Latin for “Turn this shit on.”

YEAH!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1981

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1983

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1985

Water ceiling. That’s pretty cool.

Everyone’s got their H2O-faces on.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1986

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1987

“Master Scrum – would you mind?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1988

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1989

Colin:

“SUCK MY LEFT NUT!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1990

Colin:

That’s really what this is.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1991

Colin:

Right, though?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1992

Stab that ceiling.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1993

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1995

Colin:

Ew. I don’t like getting sucked into things.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1996

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1997

Colin:

The Fountain of Youth appears to be on Dagobah.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1998

So now they get all the good shots in? What were those first two acts, then?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 1999

Simple shot. Really nice.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2000

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2001

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2002

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2003

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2004

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2005

Colin:

There’s a lovely simplicity to this shot.

I just found out that she was pregnant during filming, which is why she is mostly shot from the tits up.

But yeah, simplicity. I actually like that Jack one up there better, since that’s a medium long shot and he’s still enveloped in fog.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2006

Colin:

Now why would they follow him? I see someone get sucked into a void, I’m gonna assume they’re dead and not follow them.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2007

“Donny? A little Low Rider.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2008

Shots.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2009

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2010

Colin:

How are they all there? Is there one dude still standing there that they got boosts from?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2012

I like how he sees the skeleton and just walks past it.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2013

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2014

Colin:

That fountain looks like General Grievous’ hamster wheel.

This place could use a good organ sac.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2015

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2016

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2017

“Sparrow, I’ll be the first to taste those waters.”

It’s like they’re fighting over a coed.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2018

“Father.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2019

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2020

“The one-legged man.”

Colin:

Barbossa’s here!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2021

“You brought him here.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2022

“Would I do that?”

Colin:

…was that a rhetorical question?

Would he ask one of those?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2023

“Edward Teach!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2024

“For crimes committed on the high seas, by the authority granted my by His Majesty, the King –”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2025

“And with a goodly amount of personal satisfaction –”

Colin:

He calls him Edward Teach. The first time we’ve heard his real name this whole time. “And with a goodly amount of personal satisfaction.” Good on ya, Barbossa.

Jack actually uses it earlier on when he refers to him as a “resurrector of the dead in his spare time.”

Colin:

But since it was in the first or second act, I wasn’t paying attention. I should have rephrased that. It’s the first time we’ve HEARD his real name, although it may have been mentioned earlier.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2026

“I hereby place you in the custody of the court, and declare you to be my prisoner.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2027

“Such crimes include, but are not limited to – piracy, treason, murder, torture of the most heinous sort, including the brutal theft of one used, twisted, hairy right leg.”

Colin:

Barbossa’s listing all the shit he’s done. He’s my favorite character in this franchise, I think.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2028

“You dare face this sword?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2029

“This far away from your ship? Aye.”

Does this place not have Wi-fi?

Does he need a signal for his sword to work?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2030

“Aye, that be the cold breath of fate I feel down my nape? But, I’ll have one last fight. By god.”

That’s nice. “So I’m gonna die now. Well all right. I’m going down fighting, bitches.”

That’s how you do it.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2031

“Kill ‘em all!”

YEAH!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2032

“Whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute.”

Colin:

Belay that, apparently.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2033

“I just need to understand something.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2034

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2035

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2036

“Right, so – you will fight against them, they will fight against you.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2037

“All on account of him wanting to kill him? Where is the sense?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2038

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2039

“I say, let them fight each other. And we lay back, watch, have a drink.”

Colin:

Not a bad idea. Single combat. Patton and Rommel, each in their own tanks.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2040

“Place some wages!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2041

“Aye.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2042

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2043

“Kill ‘em!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2044

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2045

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2046

Colin:

Wait, they’re fighting too early. So…here’s betting that the Fountain is what kills Blackbeard. He bests Barbossa in the fight, then, as Barbossa’s all laid out, he makes Barbossa drink from the chalice without the tear, thinking it’s the other way round. That could happen, right? But the Spanish also have to show up eventually.

Isn’t it great how little talent you need to figure out a plot? And by thinking just a little bit harder, you can actually make it good?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2047

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2048

Man, this old guy can fight.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2049

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2050

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2051

And now the Spanish are gonna show up and unnecessarily add to the clusterfuck. Which is precisely what their purpose seems to be in this movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2052

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2053

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2054

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2055

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2056

“Get off me!”

Colin:

HAH suck it, Gillette!

So they brought him back just to kill him?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2057

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2058

Oh, right. This fuck.

Colin:

Fucking religious guy.

Wouldn’t it be better if he were just dead? I mean, plot-wise. Since he serves no purpose anymore either.

Not that the mermaids ever did, but I’m sure you can find some sort of alternate ending there.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2059

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2060

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2061

Fuck you, kid.

Isn’t it fitting that we hoped he died before he even did this?

We knew.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2062

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2063

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2064

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2065

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2066

A HA HA he stabs the fuck and walks away!

Colin:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2067

DRINK FROM THE FOUNTAIN YOU MORON

Colin:

He doesn’t have the tear and the chalices and all that bullshit.

You’re telling me that a fountain with the power to grant life really requires chalices and shit to work? Please, just drink from that shit. What is it gonna do? I bet you if you bring two sippy cups and a dwarf baby tear, that shit’ll work just as well.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2068

Or stumble up the stairs.

Isn’t it funny they got in through the floor, and yet there’s stars to get out up top? How about you walk in that way?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2069

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2070

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2071

“Scrum!”

I like how Scrum is in possession of both the chalices and the tear. He’s her Gibbs.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2072

“Hand it over.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2073

“There’s a good lad.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2074

“I’m more afraid of her than I am of you.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2075

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2076

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2077

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2078

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2079

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2080

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2081

“Hand it over.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2082

“There’s a good lad.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2083

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2084

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2085

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2086

“The chalices, if you please.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2087

“Sorry Jack, I told you – I need years. And now yours will do.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2088

“A ha!”

Colin:

Jack wants those years. But so does she. And Graham’s being a punk. Trading shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2089

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2090

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2091

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2092

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2093

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2094

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2095

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2096

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2097

Are we really just juggling now?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2098

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2099

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2100

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2101

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAALLLLLL!!!!!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2102

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2103

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2104

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2105

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2106

Colin:

How’d he get back here so fast? That was a long way!

The stairs were apparently a shortcut.

Kind of like that blade in his stomach.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2107

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2108

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2109

“You will not take her. If you have taken her, you will give her back.”

Really? Isn’t that supposed to be part of his plan? You don’t sound very religious.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2110

”Give her back.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2111

Really? Crying? That shit doesn’t work.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2112

Jesus.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2113

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2114

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2115

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2116

Aww, so you just died for nothing.

Just like all religious people.

Colin:

HAHAHA she just peaced! Now let him stay here and bleed out!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2117

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2118

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2119

Did he just one-hand that sword?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2120

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2121

Seriously – Al Pacino.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2122

Oh, that was his crutch. That’s not as badass.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2123

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2124

“Expecting fate to put up more of a fight, eh?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2125

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2126

WHAM!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2127

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2128

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2129

Have a nice trip.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2130

See you next autumn.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2131

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2132

Colin:

It’s sad to see Barbossa losing like this.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2133

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2134

“I will not have that smile on your face as I strike you down.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2135

“Take a gander, Edward Teach.”

I like how he refuses to call him Blackbeard to his face.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2136

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2137

Colin:

He don’t give a fuck. The Spanish are here. You’re fucked.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2138

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2139

Colin:

People who carry so many flags with them everywhere have small penises.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2140

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2141

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2142

He’s here for the gang bang.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2143

Shit. And he brought the gang.

How’d they all get up here at once?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2144

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2145

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2146

“This land is hereby forever claimed in the glorious name of His Majesty, King George—”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2147

Colin:

What’s this flag waver thinking? Like he’ll claim it, and they’ll be all, “Yeah. Fair.” I hope they shoot him through the flag.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2148

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2149

Colin:

Annnnd things are not hard to predict.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2150

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2151

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2152

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2153

All right, then, Prince.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2154

HA HA. Hold my pistol, bitch.

And that thing’s not cool right now, either.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2155

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2156

“Someone make a note of that man’s bravery.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2157

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2161

“Senorita – the chalices. Por favor.”

Remove. Please.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2162

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2163

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2164

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2165

Damn, This motherfucker’s got people.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2166

Perfectly placed chalices.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2167

You too?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2168

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2169

“Only God can grant eternal life. Not this pagan water.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2170

MIC DROP!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2171

Colin:

^^^^^^^^^^^

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2172

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2173

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2174

EUAHHH!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2175

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Colin:

Oh, Catholics. They don’t want the chalices, they want this shit all gone. Interesting.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2177

“Destroy this profane temple.”

Talk about a McGuffin.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2178

“You are a fool. You seek in this place what only faith can provide.”

Leave it to a catholic to destroy science in favor of faith.

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“Faith? In faith there is light enough to see but darkness enough to blind.”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2183

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2185

Are you not entertained?

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2186

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2187

“What devil is this?”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2188

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2190

Colin:

BAM! Barbossa got you. Fuck a fair fight, this is piracy, bitches.

This Is Piracy, Bitches.

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Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2192

“For the Pearl.”

YEAH BARBOSSA!

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2193

“OPTIMUS!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2194

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2195

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2196

“Angelica – don’t, it’s poison!”

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2197

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2198

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides - 2199

Good job. Way to not stab yourself.

Colin:

Oh, she’s poisoned now. Now SHE has to get that water. Who’s the victim? Or will Blackbeard drink it thinking it’ll save him and kill her but actually kill himself for her in the process? I need to stop predicting shit and just watch.

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“I’m not such the fool to take on Blackbeard without a little…venomous advantage.”

Holy shit, is that the first one that happened IN FILM?!

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“Jack!”

Oh, so NOW it’s “Jack!” But not before, right?

Man, I’m sick of these white women.

Colin:

She’s white, but if we’re honest, she’s more like…one of you.

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These motherfuckers came with a plan.

Colin:

I think they’re really grappling with its execution, though.

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“I claim Blackbeard’s ship and crew, and this sword…payment for me missing limb.”

That’s quite the reparations.

Colin:

I love how he just yells it out, as though a ship, crew and sword were just things you called dibs on.

Aren’t they?

I also like how the Spanish existed in this movie just so Barbossa can have a minute to stab Blackbeard.

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And that’s it. Just raises that shit and leaves. His work here is done.

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Isn’t it weird that you need a mermaid’s tear and two chalices, and specific water, meanwhile there’s water everywhere? Who made those rules?

Colin:

There should be mermaid tears all in this water, just like how we breathe molecules of Caesar’s last breath. What constitutes a tear? Does it have to be 100 percent pure? Can it be a half-mermaid tear? These things should [never] be investigated.

What if it’s mermaid period blood?

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Well that fountain’s no good.

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His work here is done.

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I like how that’s actually everyone’s business here. Barbossa stabbed Blackbeard, and he stole his crew (who apparently listened) and they peaced. And the Spanish destroyed ” ” (that was me making giant air quotes in the air) the Fountain, and they peaced. So now we’re down to three people.

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Oh, you gotta be SHITTING ME.

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Deus ex MERMAID?!

Colin:

Mermaid to the rescue. That’s rich. Why she knew to show up…I’ll never know.

I wish I had a chick to do this to me. Just appear from underwater and have booze.

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“Do not waste my tear.”

What the fuck is this shit? Why would you give that to him? Why do you want him to save the person who just tried to fucking kill you? This makes no goddamn sense AT ALL.

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She should have just shrugged before she left. Like, “I don’t understand it either.”

Sea turtles, mate.

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Colin:

Jack’s in charge. He’ll set it up so Blackbeard thinks he’s getting saved but she does instead.

Weird how not once does he consider drinking one of those himself.

Like, what if he drank the one with the tear and then filled the other two empty? He doesn’t even wrestle with the decision at all. Presumably this is a more favorable outcome than stabbing the fucking heart of Davy Jones.

Seriously, were they even trying when they wrote this?

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Drip drip drip.

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Weird how you can just keep a tear like that.

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Also, how does nothing spill while he’s running around like he does?

Colin:

I was thinking the same thing. He hops down a step or something, and he’s totally gallivanting. How he doesn’t spill it all everywhere is beyond me.

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“Drink this. This one has the tear.”

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“You must drink the other.”

Seriously. Not once does he consider drinking from it himself.

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“No.”

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“I cannot save you both. One of you must sacrifice.”

Are they trying to make us think that the tear one is in his left hand? Because I saw him put it in his right hand, and I pay attention to things. Are we supposed to know he’s playing them, or is it supposed to come as a pleasant surprise? Because they try to play it like a reveal.

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“You take it, father. For your soul.”

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This face.

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“Captain Teach – she’s dying.”

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“You must save your daughter.”

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“This one takes life?”

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“This one has the tear and gives life?”

Why would you trust him?

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“Aye, hurry.”

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Aww… all you had to do was the right thing and he’d have been fucked.

Colin:

And, yup. Blackbeard’s a dick.

Also, that “all the years” thing doesn’t count if he survives and then immediately gets stabbed again.

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“Angelica – save me, my child.”

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“I love you, father.”

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And he just backs away, like, “Well, I’ve done about all I can do.”

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“Wait a minute –”

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“In fact, it might have been the other way around.”

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“Trickster! Devil!”

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Weird how it waited for Depp to reveal that before it started swirling.

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“You bastard! How could you?!”

Colin:

THAT’S your reaction? When you expect you’re gonna die and then find out you’re gonna live? Unless you’re sacrificing yourself for your own kid, you can’t be completely pissed about that.

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“Your father saved you. Perhaps his soul is now redeemed, aye?”

Well that would be pretty shitty, to kill a lot of people and then be redeemed because you inadvertently sacrificed yourself while trying to do something else shitty.

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So that torrent of water just melted off his skin and blood.

Colin:

He chose…poorly.

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3D.

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And everyone else is gone.

Colin:

Holy Grail.

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And we finally track out on something.

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Are you still alive, you asshole?

Colin:

Fucking religious guy just won’t die.

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Yes. Do that. That’ll work.

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Colin:

What’s she gonna do? I’d give this movie all the stars if at this moment she took him to the depths and ate him.

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But what can she do? Turn him into a merman?

Will she have to cut his dick off?

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“Wipe yourself off. You’re bleeding.”

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She asks him if he’s hurt.

“Body only.”

Now how about you suck this DICK?!

“My mind is at peace.”

She should just go, “Okay,” and disappear.

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“Because of you.”

We really need a gif of someone rolling their eyes in disgust and pretending to jerk off. Because I’d put that here right now.

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“I was lost.”

No you weren’t.

“The winds, the tides…they ought to renew a man’s faith.”

Not once during this movie did we see you having a crisis of faith. Shut the fuck up.

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“For me, only you.”

What about God? Not gonna let him get in the way of a magical loophole?

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“Philip, I can save you. You need only ask.”

Philip? HE HAS A NAME?! Why the fuck are you saying his name when he never once gave it to us?! Why do we even need to hear his name at all?

Man, fuck this movie.

Colin:

Philip. My nephew’s name is Philip. But I choose to lump this guy in with the Philip who gets thrown out a window in Braveheart. That’s more like it for this fuck.

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“I seek but one thing.”

“What is that?”

“Forgiveness. If not for me, you’d have never been captured.”

Yeah, but if not for that rock, she’d have eaten your ass. So I think we’re squaresville right now.

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“Ask.”

Why must he ask? How about you just do it? Are you a vampire? Do you need to be let in?

“Forgive me.”

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Pretty sure that’s not what you wanted him to ask.

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Remember when they said a mermaid’s kiss can save a man from drowning?

Just in case you thought that line was a throwaway.

(Because it was.)

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Do you know the way to Whitecap Bay?

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Well this shot is stupid. You didn’t need this at all and could have ended it with the last one.

And then maybe I’d have let the storyline go.

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There’s always a bigger fish.

Colin:

Oh man, do I WISH. 

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And now we’re back to familiar places.

Why would you maroon the titties there?

Colin:

You got Penelope Cruz tied up. So…whatcha gon’ do?

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“I hate you.”

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“The bloke who saved your life?”

He should have went, “Bitch, you love me!”

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“The years I possess – STOLEN from my own father!”

Not really. He jumped at the chance to grab that shit. Technically he was gonna steal from you and you ended up with all the cash.

“I only helped Blackbeard do what any father should have done.”

Get his skin melted off?

“You are cruel. And ignorant.”

(“Pirate!”)

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Colin:

THAT’S a shot.

He’s marooning her. I approve, as long as he maroons himself with her. And rum.

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“One pistol, one shot.”

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“To kill myself before I starve?”

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“There’s no trusting you, love. Besides, this is a well-traveled trade route. You can signal a passing ship. Or, you can just bite the proverbial bullet, as it were.”

This isn’t even an island. This is more of a cay.

Speaking of which — you guys ever read that book in elementary school? The Cay? With the little kid who ends up blind on a cay with a black dude? (Not the porno. That was the other one.)

I just remember that kid going blind and then getting out and being really into BLTs. Because I was like, “Why the fuck would you like those?”

And that’s my story.

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“And how will I get free of these bonds?”

“You broke free of your bonds half an hour ago, waiting for the precise moment to pounce.”

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Colin:

He saw that shit coming. Champ!

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“Admit it, Jack. You still love me.”

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“If you had a sister and a dog… I’d choose the dog.”

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“Treasure! There is a chest with jewels! Jewels with the power to rule the wind and tide!”

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“You’re making that up.”

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“Wait!”

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“I am with child.”

Colin:

She’s trying every trick in the book.

I like how he’s humoring her, too. Like, “Treasure? Nah, that can’t be true.” He almost wants to believe each of these new claims.

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See?

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“Yours.”

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“I don’t recall that we ever had—”

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“You were drunk.”

That’s pretty much all you gotta say to me, too. “You did (this).” “No I didn’t.” “You were drunk.” “Well, I guess that stands to reason.” Like when Jack slapped Gibbs, or Orlando threw the water on him. “Fair enough.”

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“I’ve actually never been that drunk.”

Which is funny, but also – why do you need to be drunk to fuck Penelope Cruz? Even if she is batshit crazy. They’re doing a good job of making Sparrow almost gay.

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“Wait!”

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“There is something I want to say to you.”

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“Something I wanted to say from the moment we first met.”

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“Go on, then.”

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“I love you.”

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“As do I.”

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“Always have, always will.”

Colin:

That’s himself he’s talking about.

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“I gotta go.”

Colin:

He’s gotta go.

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“This is not over!”

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Colin:

“Shoo, bitch!” I love it when he shoos bitches. May he always be remembered that way. Jack Sparrow: Shooer of Bitches.

Shoo, Bitch.

Or, I Love It When He Shoos Bitches.

Or more appropriately — “Shoo, Bitch, Get Out the Way”

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Shots.

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I like the way he rolls into the boat.

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And she wastes her shot.

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“Missed!”

Colin:

Good.

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Colin:

Although, she could just swim out to him no problem.

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Colin:

I didn’t anticipate him marooning her. That’s a good ending.