Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Part V — “Shoo, Bitch, Get Out the Way”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start On Stranger Tides. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of On Stranger Tides:

We begin Part V with this shot:

I like shots of people moving things away that are taking up the frame like this.

Colin:

Tree motherfucking stars.

“I could have swore it was somewhere right round here.”

This is an acceptable track in.

How is it possible I’m liking the third act of this movie better than the first two?

Rack focus.

Also, where does he get all his eyeliner?

That’s interesting.

Colin:

And…through the water droplet shot. That’s a cool shot.

I thought the water was going to lead him to the entrance, but it was literally right fucking in front of him the entire time.

Colin:

This reminds me of the grotto leading into Drax’s place in Moonraker. That anaconda trying to kill Roger Moore and failing, unfortunately.

They’re doing a really bad job of letting us know he has no idea what he’s doing. The other films were better at that.

This does look like Moonraker. All we need are sexy astronauts driving those yellow cars.

I love opposing angle shots.

Colin:

Caverns. Oh no. Caverns are usually bad news.

Colin:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD DO IT AGAIN

“A ha! A dead end.”

Colin:

This actually reminds me of the Wishbone episode of Journey to the Center of the Earth.

We really need to bring back Wishbone.

“Jack, I’m starting to think you don’t know where you’re going.”

Colin:

That is a tit for tats.

See what I mean, though? He doesn’t know where he’s going. But the whole time it’s never an issue. We know he doesn’t know where he’s going, because he asks everyone about what to do when he gets there, yet for some reason, they assume he knows.

And it’s never really brought up that the only reason he’s still alive is because he knows. You’d think it was because of the compass, but Blackbeard thinks he’s been there. And it’s never really explicitly stated and never becomes part of the action. It’s really poor storytelling all around.

“It is not the destination so much as the journey, they say.”

Really? Because your journey sucked.

Colin:

The journey? Psh.

“Chalices, if you please.”

“Stand back.”

You make my day-ay-ayyy!

Colin:

WA-TER! YOU MADE MY DAY-AY!

(I want to note that when going through the articles again to add extra comments on top of the original notes I took, I got to these few images and typed exactly the same thing again before scrolling down and seeing that we’d BOTH already written it. It just goes to show that there really is a way to read these images, and that this isn’t just two assholes writing whatever they want. It’s only like 70 percent that.)

“Jack, have you ever, with your own eyes, seen the Fountain of Youth?”

“I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?”

See? He’s gonna have this guy kill him now. But Jack had never once said he knew where it was, nor was he asked. They just assumed.

“Wait – wait.”

“Aqua – de Vida.”

Colin:

Aqua de vida. Latin for “Turn this shit on.”

YEAH!

Water ceiling. That’s pretty cool.

Everyone’s got their H2O-faces on.

“Master Scrum – would you mind?”

Colin:

“SUCK MY LEFT NUT!”

Colin:

That’s really what this is.

Colin:

Right, though?

Stab that ceiling.

Colin:

Ew. I don’t like getting sucked into things.

Colin:

The Fountain of Youth appears to be on Dagobah.

So now they get all the good shots in? What were those first two acts, then?

Simple shot. Really nice.

Colin:

There’s a lovely simplicity to this shot.

I just found out that she was pregnant during filming, which is why she is mostly shot from the tits up.

But yeah, simplicity. I actually like that Jack one up there better, since that’s a medium long shot and he’s still enveloped in fog.

Colin:

Now why would they follow him? I see someone get sucked into a void, I’m gonna assume they’re dead and not follow them.

“Donny? A little Low Rider.”

Shots.

Colin:

How are they all there? Is there one dude still standing there that they got boosts from?

I like how he sees the skeleton and just walks past it.

Colin:

That fountain looks like General Grievous’ hamster wheel.

This place could use a good organ sac.

“Sparrow, I’ll be the first to taste those waters.”

It’s like they’re fighting over a coed.

“Father.”

“The one-legged man.”

Colin:

Barbossa’s here!

“You brought him here.”

“Would I do that?”

Colin:

…was that a rhetorical question?

Would he ask one of those?

“Edward Teach!”

“For crimes committed on the high seas, by the authority granted my by His Majesty, the King –”

“And with a goodly amount of personal satisfaction –”

Colin:

He calls him Edward Teach. The first time we’ve heard his real name this whole time. “And with a goodly amount of personal satisfaction.” Good on ya, Barbossa.

Jack actually uses it earlier on when he refers to him as a “resurrector of the dead in his spare time.”

Colin:

But since it was in the first or second act, I wasn’t paying attention. I should have rephrased that. It’s the first time we’ve HEARD his real name, although it may have been mentioned earlier.

“I hereby place you in the custody of the court, and declare you to be my prisoner.”

“Such crimes include, but are not limited to – piracy, treason, murder, torture of the most heinous sort, including the brutal theft of one used, twisted, hairy right leg.”

Colin:

Barbossa’s listing all the shit he’s done. He’s my favorite character in this franchise, I think.

“You dare face this sword?”

“This far away from your ship? Aye.”

Does this place not have Wi-fi?

Does he need a signal for his sword to work?

“Aye, that be the cold breath of fate I feel down my nape? But, I’ll have one last fight. By god.”

That’s nice. “So I’m gonna die now. Well all right. I’m going down fighting, bitches.”

That’s how you do it.

“Kill ‘em all!”

YEAH!

“Whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute.”

Colin:

Belay that, apparently.

“I just need to understand something.”

“Right, so – you will fight against them, they will fight against you.”

“All on account of him wanting to kill him? Where is the sense?”

“I say, let them fight each other. And we lay back, watch, have a drink.”

Colin:

Not a bad idea. Single combat. Patton and Rommel, each in their own tanks.

“Place some wages!”

“Aye.”

“Kill ‘em!”

Colin:

Wait, they’re fighting too early. So…here’s betting that the Fountain is what kills Blackbeard. He bests Barbossa in the fight, then, as Barbossa’s all laid out, he makes Barbossa drink from the chalice without the tear, thinking it’s the other way round. That could happen, right? But the Spanish also have to show up eventually.

Isn’t it great how little talent you need to figure out a plot? And by thinking just a little bit harder, you can actually make it good?

Man, this old guy can fight.

And now the Spanish are gonna show up and unnecessarily add to the clusterfuck. Which is precisely what their purpose seems to be in this movie.

“Get off me!”

Colin:

HAH suck it, Gillette!

So they brought him back just to kill him?

Oh, right. This fuck.

Colin:

Fucking religious guy.

Wouldn’t it be better if he were just dead? I mean, plot-wise. Since he serves no purpose anymore either.

Not that the mermaids ever did, but I’m sure you can find some sort of alternate ending there.

Fuck you, kid.

Isn’t it fitting that we hoped he died before he even did this?

We knew.

A HA HA he stabs the fuck and walks away!

Colin:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS

DRINK FROM THE FOUNTAIN YOU MORON

Colin:

He doesn’t have the tear and the chalices and all that bullshit.

You’re telling me that a fountain with the power to grant life really requires chalices and shit to work? Please, just drink from that shit. What is it gonna do? I bet you if you bring two sippy cups and a dwarf baby tear, that shit’ll work just as well.

Or stumble up the stairs.

Isn’t it funny they got in through the floor, and yet there’s stars to get out up top? How about you walk in that way?

“Scrum!”

I like how Scrum is in possession of both the chalices and the tear. He’s her Gibbs.

“Hand it over.”

“There’s a good lad.”

“I’m more afraid of her than I am of you.”

“Hand it over.”

“There’s a good lad.”

“The chalices, if you please.”

“Sorry Jack, I told you – I need years. And now yours will do.”

“A ha!”

Colin:

Jack wants those years. But so does she. And Graham’s being a punk. Trading shit.

Are we really just juggling now?

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAALLLLLL!!!!!

Colin:

How’d he get back here so fast? That was a long way!

The stairs were apparently a shortcut.

Kind of like that blade in his stomach.

“You will not take her. If you have taken her, you will give her back.”

Really? Isn’t that supposed to be part of his plan? You don’t sound very religious.

”Give her back.”

Really? Crying? That shit doesn’t work.

Jesus.

Aww, so you just died for nothing.

Just like all religious people.

Colin:

HAHAHA she just peaced! Now let him stay here and bleed out!

Did he just one-hand that sword?

Seriously – Al Pacino.

Oh, that was his crutch. That’s not as badass.

“Expecting fate to put up more of a fight, eh?”

WHAM!

Have a nice trip.

See you next autumn.

Colin:

It’s sad to see Barbossa losing like this.

“I will not have that smile on your face as I strike you down.”

“Take a gander, Edward Teach.”

I like how he refuses to call him Blackbeard to his face.

Colin:

He don’t give a fuck. The Spanish are here. You’re fucked.

Colin:

People who carry so many flags with them everywhere have small penises.

He’s here for the gang bang.

Shit. And he brought the gang.

How’d they all get up here at once?

“This land is hereby forever claimed in the glorious name of His Majesty, King George—”

Colin:

What’s this flag waver thinking? Like he’ll claim it, and they’ll be all, “Yeah. Fair.” I hope they shoot him through the flag.

Colin:

Annnnd things are not hard to predict.

All right, then, Prince.

HA HA. Hold my pistol, bitch.

And that thing’s not cool right now, either.

“Someone make a note of that man’s bravery.”

“Senorita – the chalices. Por favor.”

Remove. Please.

Damn, This motherfucker’s got people.

Perfectly placed chalices.

You too?

“Only God can grant eternal life. Not this pagan water.”

MIC DROP!

Colin:

^^^^^^^^^^^

EUAHHH!

Colin:

Oh, Catholics. They don’t want the chalices, they want this shit all gone. Interesting.

“Destroy this profane temple.”

Talk about a McGuffin.

“You are a fool. You seek in this place what only faith can provide.”

Leave it to a catholic to destroy science in favor of faith.

“Faith? In faith there is light enough to see but darkness enough to blind.”

Are you not entertained?

“What devil is this?”

Colin:

BAM! Barbossa got you. Fuck a fair fight, this is piracy, bitches.

This Is Piracy, Bitches.

“For the Pearl.”

YEAH BARBOSSA!

“OPTIMUS!”

“Angelica – don’t, it’s poison!”

Good job. Way to not stab yourself.

Colin:

Oh, she’s poisoned now. Now SHE has to get that water. Who’s the victim? Or will Blackbeard drink it thinking it’ll save him and kill her but actually kill himself for her in the process? I need to stop predicting shit and just watch.

“I’m not such the fool to take on Blackbeard without a little…venomous advantage.”

Holy shit, is that the first one that happened IN FILM?!

“Jack!”

Oh, so NOW it’s “Jack!” But not before, right?

Man, I’m sick of these white women.

Colin:

She’s white, but if we’re honest, she’s more like…one of you.

These motherfuckers came with a plan.

Colin:

I think they’re really grappling with its execution, though.

“I claim Blackbeard’s ship and crew, and this sword…payment for me missing limb.”

That’s quite the reparations.

Colin:

I love how he just yells it out, as though a ship, crew and sword were just things you called dibs on.

Aren’t they?

I also like how the Spanish existed in this movie just so Barbossa can have a minute to stab Blackbeard.

And that’s it. Just raises that shit and leaves. His work here is done.

Isn’t it weird that you need a mermaid’s tear and two chalices, and specific water, meanwhile there’s water everywhere? Who made those rules?

Colin:

There should be mermaid tears all in this water, just like how we breathe molecules of Caesar’s last breath. What constitutes a tear? Does it have to be 100 percent pure? Can it be a half-mermaid tear? These things should [never] be investigated.

What if it’s mermaid period blood?

Well that fountain’s no good.

His work here is done.

I like how that’s actually everyone’s business here. Barbossa stabbed Blackbeard, and he stole his crew (who apparently listened) and they peaced. And the Spanish destroyed ” ” (that was me making giant air quotes in the air) the Fountain, and they peaced. So now we’re down to three people.

Oh, you gotta be SHITTING ME.

Deus ex MERMAID?!

Colin:

Mermaid to the rescue. That’s rich. Why she knew to show up…I’ll never know.

I wish I had a chick to do this to me. Just appear from underwater and have booze.

“Do not waste my tear.”

What the fuck is this shit? Why would you give that to him? Why do you want him to save the person who just tried to fucking kill you? This makes no goddamn sense AT ALL.

She should have just shrugged before she left. Like, “I don’t understand it either.”

Sea turtles, mate.

Colin:

Jack’s in charge. He’ll set it up so Blackbeard thinks he’s getting saved but she does instead.

Weird how not once does he consider drinking one of those himself.

Like, what if he drank the one with the tear and then filled the other two empty? He doesn’t even wrestle with the decision at all. Presumably this is a more favorable outcome than stabbing the fucking heart of Davy Jones.

Seriously, were they even trying when they wrote this?

Drip drip drip.

Weird how you can just keep a tear like that.

Also, how does nothing spill while he’s running around like he does?

Colin:

I was thinking the same thing. He hops down a step or something, and he’s totally gallivanting. How he doesn’t spill it all everywhere is beyond me.

“Drink this. This one has the tear.”

“You must drink the other.”

Seriously. Not once does he consider drinking from it himself.

“No.”

“I cannot save you both. One of you must sacrifice.”

Are they trying to make us think that the tear one is in his left hand? Because I saw him put it in his right hand, and I pay attention to things. Are we supposed to know he’s playing them, or is it supposed to come as a pleasant surprise? Because they try to play it like a reveal.

“You take it, father. For your soul.”

This face.

“Captain Teach – she’s dying.”

“You must save your daughter.”

“This one takes life?”

“This one has the tear and gives life?”

Why would you trust him?

“Aye, hurry.”

Aww… all you had to do was the right thing and he’d have been fucked.

Colin:

And, yup. Blackbeard’s a dick.

Also, that “all the years” thing doesn’t count if he survives and then immediately gets stabbed again.

“Angelica – save me, my child.”

“I love you, father.”

And he just backs away, like, “Well, I’ve done about all I can do.”

“Wait a minute –”

“In fact, it might have been the other way around.”

“Trickster! Devil!”

Weird how it waited for Depp to reveal that before it started swirling.

“You bastard! How could you?!”

Colin:

THAT’S your reaction? When you expect you’re gonna die and then find out you’re gonna live? Unless you’re sacrificing yourself for your own kid, you can’t be completely pissed about that.

“Your father saved you. Perhaps his soul is now redeemed, aye?”

Well that would be pretty shitty, to kill a lot of people and then be redeemed because you inadvertently sacrificed yourself while trying to do something else shitty.

So that torrent of water just melted off his skin and blood.

Colin:

He chose…poorly.

3D.

And everyone else is gone.

Colin:

Holy Grail.

And we finally track out on something.

Are you still alive, you asshole?

Colin:

Fucking religious guy just won’t die.

Yes. Do that. That’ll work.

Colin:

What’s she gonna do? I’d give this movie all the stars if at this moment she took him to the depths and ate him.

But what can she do? Turn him into a merman?

Will she have to cut his dick off?

“Wipe yourself off. You’re bleeding.”

She asks him if he’s hurt.

“Body only.”

Now how about you suck this DICK?!

“My mind is at peace.”

She should just go, “Okay,” and disappear.

“Because of you.”

We really need a gif of someone rolling their eyes in disgust and pretending to jerk off. Because I’d put that here right now.

“I was lost.”

No you weren’t.

“The winds, the tides…they ought to renew a man’s faith.”

Not once during this movie did we see you having a crisis of faith. Shut the fuck up.

“For me, only you.”

What about God? Not gonna let him get in the way of a magical loophole?

“Philip, I can save you. You need only ask.”

Philip? HE HAS A NAME?! Why the fuck are you saying his name when he never once gave it to us?! Why do we even need to hear his name at all?

Man, fuck this movie.

Colin:

Philip. My nephew’s name is Philip. But I choose to lump this guy in with the Philip who gets thrown out a window in Braveheart. That’s more like it for this fuck.

“I seek but one thing.”

“What is that?”

“Forgiveness. If not for me, you’d have never been captured.”

Yeah, but if not for that rock, she’d have eaten your ass. So I think we’re squaresville right now.

“Ask.”

Why must he ask? How about you just do it? Are you a vampire? Do you need to be let in?

“Forgive me.”

Pretty sure that’s not what you wanted him to ask.

Remember when they said a mermaid’s kiss can save a man from drowning?

Just in case you thought that line was a throwaway.

(Because it was.)

Do you know the way to Whitecap Bay?

Well this shot is stupid. You didn’t need this at all and could have ended it with the last one.

And then maybe I’d have let the storyline go.

There’s always a bigger fish.

Colin:

Oh man, do I WISH.

And now we’re back to familiar places.

Why would you maroon the titties there?

Colin:

You got Penelope Cruz tied up. So…whatcha gon’ do?

“I hate you.”

“The bloke who saved your life?”

He should have went, “Bitch, you love me!”

“The years I possess – STOLEN from my own father!”

Not really. He jumped at the chance to grab that shit. Technically he was gonna steal from you and you ended up with all the cash.

“I only helped Blackbeard do what any father should have done.”

Get his skin melted off?

“You are cruel. And ignorant.”

(“Pirate!”)

Colin:

THAT’S a shot.

He’s marooning her. I approve, as long as he maroons himself with her. And rum.

“One pistol, one shot.”

“To kill myself before I starve?”

“There’s no trusting you, love. Besides, this is a well-traveled trade route. You can signal a passing ship. Or, you can just bite the proverbial bullet, as it were.”

This isn’t even an island. This is more of a cay.

Speaking of which — you guys ever read that book in elementary school? The Cay? With the little kid who ends up blind on a cay with a black dude? (Not the porno. That was the other one.)

I just remember that kid going blind and then getting out and being really into BLTs. Because I was like, “Why the fuck would you like those?”

And that’s my story.

“And how will I get free of these bonds?”

“You broke free of your bonds half an hour ago, waiting for the precise moment to pounce.”

Colin:

He saw that shit coming. Champ!

“Admit it, Jack. You still love me.”

“If you had a sister and a dog… I’d choose the dog.”

“Treasure! There is a chest with jewels! Jewels with the power to rule the wind and tide!”

“You’re making that up.”

“Wait!”

“I am with child.”

Colin:

She’s trying every trick in the book.

I like how he’s humoring her, too. Like, “Treasure? Nah, that can’t be true.” He almost wants to believe each of these new claims.

See?

“Yours.”

“I don’t recall that we ever had—”

“You were drunk.”

That’s pretty much all you gotta say to me, too. “You did (this).” “No I didn’t.” “You were drunk.” “Well, I guess that stands to reason.” Like when Jack slapped Gibbs, or Orlando threw the water on him. “Fair enough.”

“I’ve actually never been that drunk.”

Which is funny, but also – why do you need to be drunk to fuck Penelope Cruz? Even if she is batshit crazy. They’re doing a good job of making Sparrow almost gay.