Fun with Franchises: The Matrix (1999), Part VI — “Just Go Ahead, Jump Into a Guy”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the sixth and final part of The Matrix.
We begin Part VI, with them not yet being out.
The great thing about these scenes is that they have one establishing shot, and that’s all you need to see in order to mentally recreate the rest of the entire sequence in your head.
My future.
Colin:
It’s hard, looking at your future.
It actually gets easier.
Colin:
He’s boozing. That’s why.
Shouldn’t we all know how this is going to go? Why do they just glance at the dude and keep going?
Colin:
That’s an open subway station in the middle of the city in the middle of the day. Where is everyone? I love this about this franchise. No people anywhere.
“You first, Morpheus.”
Should I even bother to ask how that works?
“Neo, I’m gonna tell you something.”
Well maybe tell him after you get out.
Colin:
This seems like a private conversation. Maybe have it after you get out? When you aren’t in danger or being monitored? It’s purely because of this conversation that he gets stuck here and dies.
Keanu looks at a ringing phone.
Real smart. Safety — this conversation.
You have chosen… poorly.
“But I’m afraid of what it could mean if I do.”
So many reasons to shut the fuck up right now. So many.
“Everything the Oracle has told me has come true. Everything but this.”
And now you decide to pick up the phone? Either tell him or don’t do this at all. What the fuck was the purpose of that?
Interesting how Agent Smith has the same suit lining that Keanu had earlier in the movie, in his office.
That’s a great shot. The subtle rack focus. I never really noticed it because it lasts a split second, but that’s great.
Colin:
Oh, this is where shit gets REALLY good.
Shame that phone booths aren’t a thing anymore.
“Neo!”
“What the hell just happened?”
“An Agent. You have to send me back.”
“I can’t.”
“Mr. Anderson.”
“Run, Neo, run.”
What the fuck are you whispering for?
OH YEAH!
“What is he doing?”
“He’s beginning to believe.”
*crack*
Ha ha. Somebody had to let that paper go.
Colin:
IT’S A WESTERN YOU GUYS
Colin:
Magic nonsense.
“You’re empty.”
“So are you.”
Well let’s not pretend like that was some badass revelation. You can SEE the empty clips.
Colin:
They both know how to count.
Well shit… this is awkward.
That’s what Brian Boitano would do.
You can still use ‘em as clubs!
Oh yeah… he’s just getting loose.
Colin:
I think of this every time I crack my neck. Probably a good 5 times a day.
I was gonna say the same thing. Except with masturbating.
That face.
You can see where that thing is designed to break.
Not that I have a problem with it at all. I love practical effects. Just, pointing it out.
Tensing up the chest. Way to not feel it.
This is how Harry Houdini would have not died.
Didn’t break the glasses!
That did.
Do you know how many pairs this motherfucker has to go through in a month? Them shit’s Versace.
“I’m gonna enjoy watching you die, Mr. Anderson.”
He will. In three consecutive movies.
Colin:
There’s something very charming about how he insists on calling him “Mr. Anderson.” It’s dehumanizing. Which is perfect.
COMBO!
Colin:
There was power behind that punch.
I like that there’s graffiti on the walls. This place isn’t as sterile as the rest of the franchise.
Only question — who put it there? We don’t ever see people live here. There’s a weird disconnect about this being an ordered system, and then there being shit like this in the train stations. Yet no one ever takes the train stations. I don’t know what the hell we’re supposed to believe.
Smith knows his way around a headbutt by now.
And the kidney punch!
The triple kidney punch, at that.
Colin:
KIDNEY PUNCHES!
Oh, well now you’re just showing off.
Anything you can do, I can do better.
Lefty!
That was basically a Force push.
Also, does nobody live here?
Where’s Tank with the cloth now?
I think it’s Lupus.
What did you do that for? You only have one shirt.
Colin:
Wipe yourself off.
This looks so much dumber without the uplifting score behind it.
Also, that cloth is white. What the hell did you rip?
This reminds me of that moment in Fight Club where he smiles during the board meeting and has blood all over his gums.
Colin:
What is that, the dusty stance?
Wouldn’t it be great if he just gave him the finger right now?
I mean, he gives him the finger, and Smith gives him his phone call. That’s basically what this scene is about.
Also, where are the other agents? How long does it take to call in a sentinel strike? Is it because there really is nobody that lives here that they can’t just show up? Because, we’re only like two blocks from a MILITARY CONTROLLED BUILDING. I’m sure you got guys that can mobilize by now.
Nice punch.
Facial expressions.
NICE right hook.
Colin:
The little fingers to the throat bit is my favorite part of this fight. It looks like it belongs in The Three Stooges or something. Totally slapstick.
He does leave himself open.
The best part about it is, we can all hear the noise he makes during this right now.
Right to the fucking head again.
The real moral of this scene is, you can stand up to them, but you still can’t take them.
Lot of throwing people into walls. I like it.
Bye, bye organs.
Imagine what it’s like when he bangs a chick.
Well there goes that ticket booth.
I guess this is a station they just skip over now?
“That’s right, motherfuckers.”
Colin:
More dragging by the leg.
That was actually about the right interval for a train. So at least they got that right.
“You hear that, Mr. Anderson?”
“That is the sound of inevitability.”
Colin:
Good lines. “InEVitability.” Elrond says a lot of stuff like that.
And… a train.
Who knew how important trains would be to Keanu Reeves in this franchise?
“That is the sound of your death.”
“Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.”
“My name. Is Neo.”
Colin:
Oh, Japan. :(
:)
Yeah, your feet weren’t that far back in the previous shot.
There are actually people on that train.
So, you did all that, but accomplished nothing except standing up for yourself.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know, I lost him.”
Well that’s probably not good.
And that’s probably not good.
Like this angle.
What else would it be?
Colin:
Sentinels! Didn’t the ship in the next one have a lot of guns? Can’t they do a Star Wars thing on the turrets?
Have we yet discussed how these things are basically the same as the sentinels in X-Men, just squids instead of robots?
“How long?”
“Five, maybe six minutes.”
“Tank, charge the EMP.”
“We can’t use that until he’s out.”
“I know, Trinity, don’t worry. He’s gonna make it.”
Yoink!
“Shit! That’s my phone!”
Colin:
Hah. Wall Street type. Asshole. Take their phones.
So, my question, before this scene really gets going… when an Agent switches to a person, and they don’t die, and the Agent switches to someone else… what happens to the previous person? Do they just wake up, like, “Oh man, what happened I blacked out. Where are my pants?”
“Mr. Wizard, get me the hell out of here.”
“Got a patch on an old exit. Wabash and Lake.”
Apparently whatever that place used to sell, now it’s only onions.
“Oh, shit.”
So I guess people just don’t live here at night? Or, in train stations?
Remember when there wouldn’t be this many people after this?
Each stand only sells one type of fruit or vegetable?
That chick in red just does not give a FUCK.
Look at her. Like, “Excuse me!”
Aww…. Little Asian girl just lost her mommy.
Colin:
Sucks when your Asian mammy turns into a creepy white dude with a gun.
See, you say Asian mammy, and I think of this.
Gallagher is the only one laughing at this.
Colin:
I would fail at this. So badly.
Look at that top hat!
Homeless people.
I think they killed them all after this.
Or Hugo Weaving assimilates them all.
Guiliani tried to do that.
“Uhh… help. Need a little help.”
“The door!”
HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THAT?!!
Good thing no one uses metal doors.
I love the way he turns corners in this building.
“The door on your left.”
“No, your other left.”
Colin:
Don’t know why, but we used to say that a lot in high school.
I always was just like, “How the fuck does he not know right from left?” Isn’t that just instinct? He says, “Left,” you go left. There should be no reason for you to go right in this scenario. It’s not like Tank fucked up. Keanu actually goes right first.
Colin:
“No, don’t get up! Smells delicious! Dinner’s ready!”
“Hi, how you doing? Name’s Neo. I’m the One.”
This shot always amused the shit out of me. That old lesbian turned into Hugo Weaving.
Tally ho!
That’s a proper tally ho.
Colin:
There’s a tally ho.
That’s exactly how Ferris did too.
Thank god people are slobs in this place.
Is this how he helps his landlady carry out her garbage?
“Play Dirty, Drink Pure.”
“Here they come.”
Maybe because the ship has been in the same place all goddamn day. It hasn’t moved since Dozer put it there.
Colin:
Did maybe one of you wanna try driving to avoid them? Or does that fuck up the broadcast?
If they lose the signal, does Keanu die? Can Keanu die just because Time Warner fucks up? Because trust me, Time Warner fucks up a lot.
Can Keanu die if they forget the Wi-fi password?
Also:
“He’s going to make it.”
Sure… you’re just… preparing to kill him just in case.
And now the pan down makes sense.
They used to charge for TV?
Isn’t it nice though that we end where we begin? It’s because time is a flat circle.
See? He knows where he’s going.
This makes him showing up in the room perfectly logical.
That’s the beauty of good plotting. You put so much interesting stuff in between the set up and payoff, the payoff actually is a nice moment.
“The fire escape at the end of the alley. Room 303.”
See, now, after this, how does your ship get anywhere, even if you do survive?
“Where the fuck is the beer?”
Colin:
Things with big appendages and lots of little appendages creep me out.
Just like Lana Turner.
Colin:
Why don’t they just bomb it? We see later that they have bombs.
Colin:
This is tense, though. Those things are inside? Now it’s over.
End of the line.
Colin:
Ruh roh, Raggy.
He looks like he’s about to pull a Tim Curry. “You shot me… and bad!”
Colin:
Colin:
Nice spatter on the wall before he gets shot the second time. And then, REALLY nice spatter on the wall now.
Nah bitch, shoot me point blank twice… that ain’t nothing.
Yeah… but another nine times… that might do it.
Colin:
COOOOLD BLOOOODED
Where’s your messiah now?
“Check him.”
Colin:
Smith doesn’t kneel down to check people’s vitals. That’s this schmuck’s job. Come to think of it, he was doing the serum earlier, too. Is he the medical agent?
“He’s gone.”
“Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.”
Colin:
So, maybe hit that EMP now.
“Neo…”
I love that. Ignore the giant laser beams, and then say what you have to say.
“I’m not afraid anymore.”
Were you afraid before?
Oh, right… of this.
“The Oracle told me that I would fall in love, and that that man, the man that I loved, would be The One.”
“So you see, you can’t be dead. You can’t be.”
No… he can be dead. That was like twelve bullets point blank to the chest.
Also, “so you see.” What is this, a presentation?
“Because I love you.”
“I’m in live with you, therefore, vis-a-vis, you ain’t dead.”
Perfect logic.
Colin:
Kissing a dead guy. Ew.
WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS TO MOUSE?!
THEY EVEN WORKED IN THE OMINOUS THUNDERCLAP
Also, what a great name for a band. Ominous Thunderclap.
“You hear me?”
Nah, he’s pretty dead.
“I love you.”
So is this what he was waiting for? Love?
Colin:
Also, he’s been properly dead for a good minute or so, right? That’s okay, though. Brain damage suits Neo.
“Now get up!”
That’s about right. Woman tells you she loves you, then, “Do shit!”
Zombie Jesus.
“No.”
Colin:
Ripply bullets.
KEANU LOOKS AT INANIMATE OBJECTS.
Colin:
“Hm. So this is a bullet, huh? I think I shall drop you on the floor. Yes, that’s right. Follow your friend.”
“He is The One.”
Well now you’ve got bragging rights over everyone in Zion.
Who else had that in the pool?
FUCK! I knew I shouldn’t have taken Spoon Kid!
Bored Keanu is bored.
He just puts one hand behind his back. Jesus. Smith should be insulted.
Colin:
The one arm thing is just insulting.
That’s a broken arm.
Colin:
So, that’s gross. Just go ahead, jump into a guy.
Colin:
This is my diarrhea face.
Colin:
Oh. Okay.
That’s the best reaction possible.
Colin:
“Yeah, no. We out.”
Maybe call that asshole so he knows to leave.
“OPTIMUS!”
“AAAAAAHHHH AAH! I COME FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW!”
(But also, “OPTIMUS!”)
Well now you gotta clean up dead squid things. And Cypher’s not even there to make do it.
Colin:
So he gets out just in time for them to blow the EMP. And now they have pet Squidies.
Colin:
Making out in the chair. Cause everyone else is dead and Tank and Morpheus are probably making out in one of their rooms.
And that’s… almost the end of the movie.
“I know you’re out there.”
He’s talking to Smith, right?
Colin:
Who’s he talking to?
“I can feel you, now.”
“I know that you’re afraid.”
“You’re afraid of us.”
“You’re afraid of change.”
“I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin.”
“I’m going to hang up this phone, and then I’m going to show these people what you don’t want them to see.”
“I’m going to show them a world without you.”
“A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries.”
“A world where anything is possible.”
Colin:
He’s gonna show them the real world. Which is actually kinda awful, and it DOES have rules and boundaries.
Colin:
Back through the numbers and stuff.
Back out of the shitty phone we come.
“Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you.”
KEANU LOOKS AT INANIMATE OBJECTS
Colin:
Yeah, look at the phone before you hang it up. That’s not weird.
YEAH! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE(S)!
Colin:
Good song choice, though. If The Matrix is gonna go with any one band, it’s probably Rage Against the Machine.
Colin:
Make this black and white and tell me that blonde on the right doesn’t look like an extra out of His Girl Friday.
And the woman on the left looks like an extra out of Schindler’s List.
Keanu looks at inanimate objects.
What a badass ending.
Colin:
That last part didn’t look quite right, though.
– – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow we go over our favorite images from the film.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)
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