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Fun with Franchises: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Part V — “God Can See the Call Sheet”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fifth part of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - Title Card

We begin Part V with a match cut to dancing.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1880

I like to think that these are the same people from before, still celebrating that little trick they pulled on the Nazis.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1881

Where’d she get that dress?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1882

The Ark is on board the ship, and they’ve arranged passage.

I want to arrange passage on something.

I also want to ride in the boxcar of a train.

Can we please figure out a way to get me to do these things before they stop being available to do?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1883

I like how great Spielberg is at immediately making people shifty.

Colin:

Hooray! Hooray for shiftiness!

Though this is also the same way you introduce an awesome hero in a 40s movie. Pretty sure I’ve seen Bogart introduced this way at least twice.

You gotta admit, though, this boat captain’s got style.

Colin:

Katanga, which is apparently the name for random black dudes, is awesome.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1884

This guy’s name sounds like Kananga, which I know Colin would love to be reminded about. One of his favorite Bond villain deaths of all time.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1885

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1886

“Mr. Katanga, these are my friends.”

I love that these are all single shot takes.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1887

“Sup, white lady?”

Oh, but damn, Sallah is legit passionate about this. He calls them his family, and says he’ll hear about it if something happens to them.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1888

“Mr. Jones. I’ve heard a lot about you, sir. Your appearance is exactly the way I imagined.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1889

Aww, now we gotta say goodbye to Sallah.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1890

Bro hug.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1891

Marion hasn’t said a word since she got accosted by those skeletons.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1892

“Look out for each other. I am already missing you.”

That’s hilarious. “I am already missing you.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1893

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1894

What’s with that look on Jones’ face?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1895

One for the wife.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1896

One for the kids.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1897

And one for him.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1898

And now one for Indy. *zip*

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1899

It’s creepy that he’s watching this.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1900

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1901

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1902

Honestly, it’s really the only way to celebrate an erection.

Colin:

That’s how I want to live my life. Get kissed, sing like a drunkard.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1903

Shame that he’s gotta go home to his nine kids now.

At least he got paid for that.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1904

This is all still a single shot, by the way.

Bring back the long take, people. Seriously.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1905

A HA HA, they said goodbye and now they’re still seeing one another.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1906

Boat shots on water.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1907

Colin:

Sup, Betty?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1908

Oh, they’ve been banging the whole time.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1909

He asks where she got the nightgown. She says from Katanga.

“I’ve got a feeling I’m not the first woman to be traveling with these pirates.”

Really? What gave it away? What if you were? What would that mean for these pirates? Also, what do you think happened to the first woman who traveled with these pirates? They might have raped and killed her and kept the nightgown.

Colin:

Was that a white slavery reference? Cause Mike and I LOVE jokes about white slavery.

It’s the most comedic of all the servitudes.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1910

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1911

Colin:

More wide shots over screaming.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1912

He’s pulling his bandages off.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1913

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1914

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1915

I know that’s comedic and all, but are those actresses’ photos on there? Did they barter passage on this ship? Did the white slavers have actresses on here? Or do they just jerk off to them?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1916

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1917

“What’d you say?”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1918

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1919

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1920

We all know that face.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1921

“You’re not the man I knew ten years ago.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1922

“It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.”

Colin:

That’s such a great line, cause it’s a car line. Car culture isn’t really established enough for this line to be in common use, but it’s such a fundamental concept that it still works perfectly. He’s covered miles, he’s run down.

She was also 16 ten years ago.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1923

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1924

“Does this hurt?”

“Yes, Marion, it hurts.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1925

Colin:

That was a best exaggerated “ow” I’ve ever heard.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1926

“Well goddamnit, Indy, where doesn’t it hurt?”

*zip*

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1927

“Here!”

Why does it hurt there?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1928

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1929

“Here.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1930

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1931

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1932

“This isn’t too bad.”

Colin:

You’re a G.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1933

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1934

I don’t know about you guys, but it seems to me that boat’s not moving.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1935

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1936

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1937

Well damn, he came quick.

“Jones? Jones!”

Colin:

He fell asleep during the kiss. You’re supposed to kiss her and then tell her your dick doesn’t hurt. Don’t act like that’s not what EVERY guy thought watching this scene. She’s kissing wherever it doesn’t hurt. Uh, JACKPOT.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1938

“We never seem to get a break, do we?”

Classic movie romance progression.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1939

“Nobody knows… the troubles I’ve seen…”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1940

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1941

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1942

Wait… is the Ark killing the mice?

Colin:

Haha! An autistic rat!

Have you guys seen Milk?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1943

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1944

Colin:

God hates Nazis, I think is what we can guess from this cut.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1945

THIS FUCKING SHOT.

The dick humor in this shot is incredible.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1946

And it’s even better with her looking at it.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1947

The engines have stopped.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1948

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1949

How’d she get naked?

Colin:

Cover them titties, we got Germans boarding.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1950

Did she bang him when he was sleeping? Why is she so happy?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1951

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1952

Ah, a U-Boat.

Boss, Das boot! Das boot!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1953

Another life goal – stand on top of a submarine as it moves across the water.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1954

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1955

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1956

Where’d they get these guys from? The Black Panthers?

Colin:

I feel like as a child, I just saw those people in the cargo hold as Mexican. Like, I knew that they were in Africa and headed to England, but somehow, those people in the cargo hold were still Mexican to me.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1957

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1958

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1959

Run run run run oh shit they over there

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1960

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1961

Amazing how many times he just leaves her to fend for herself.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1962

Look at that fucking guy.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1963

“Don’t you touch me!”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1964

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1965

What if they had a gimp? Man, wouldn’t that fuck everybody up.

What if that was the Ark of the Covenant? A gimp.

Then Zed would really be dead.

Just like Nietzsche said.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1966

See what I mean about Spielberg and gags?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1967

Look at me. I am ze kapitän now.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1968

Look at these coordinated military moves. They almost look…staged.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1969

This looks like fucking broadway. They take three steps forward and the crowd all take three steps back at the same time?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1970

These guys look like the Live and Let Die extras.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1971

That U-Boat is a little far away to be thinking about moving that thing over. What if it falls?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1972

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1973

Colin:

Good hiding place.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1974

Does no one care that Jones is aboard this boat? Or do they just want the Ark?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1975

I like how they’re grabbing her, yet she knows exactly where to look to find Indy.

Also, part of her titty is hanging out.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1976

Oh, she wasn’t looking at Indy? She was just looking over that the random German guy?

That one guy is making sure his goatee ain’t fucked up.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1977

Oh, to punch him in the face. Sure.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1978

That guy’s teeth are scaring me.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1979

Yeah, George Harris, restrain that white lady.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1980

There should be an album called Restrain That White Lady.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1981

Look at Belloq. Always so clean. That shirt’s a little too starched and boring for my taste, but it is 1936. Or whatever year it is. I’m so glad I don’t know what year it is off hand. Most movies would have shoved that shit down our throats by now.

Colin:

Still, Ivan Ooze is well-dressed.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1982

“What about JONES?!”

He actually started the sentence then spun around as he said it. This shit was really staged.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1983

“Jones is dead. I killed him.”

Why did you kill him?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1984

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1985

Sniff the white lady’s hair.

I like what he’s doing. He’s like, “Hey, you got your cargo, that’s cool. Leave me the white lady, and we’re square.”

Colin:

Possibly my favorite part of the movie. Cause white slavery. Look at how creepy he’s making it!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1986

But holy fuck, then the guy calls him a savage. That’s… racist.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1987

“We will take what we wish.”

Fucking Germans.

Well, I guess that’s stereotyping.

Fucking white people.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1988

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1989

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1990

Kobe!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1991

“The girl goes with me.”

Oh, but you are in a position to make requests?

Colin:

They call Katanga a savage for talking about white slavery and then Belloq turns around and makes her part of his ‘compensation.’

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1992

Why are George Harris’s legs spread so far apart?

And seriously, why did they just accept this guy telling them Indy is dead?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1993

This could be from Hunt from Red October, and you’d never know.

Colin:

As they cut to this guy plotting a course on the charts in the U-boat, I’m pretty sure the radio garble in the background is the same sound clip from the Imperial probe droid at the beginning of Empire.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1994

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1995

Right?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1996

And Harrison Ford was fucking IN Patriot Games!

Also, they have an uncovered bulb just hanging there in the middle of a submarine.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1997

They can’t find Jones.

“He has to be here somewhere. Look again.”

He’s a fucking person. He’ll come find you.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1998

“I found him.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 1999

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2000

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2001

Submarines are the best.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2002

Just in case you ever wondered what your teachers did on weekends.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2003

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2004

Love that the white slavers are the good guys.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2005

Marion’s current age.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2006

How does that flag stay on when they dive?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2007

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2008

Love submarines.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2009

Derek Jeter Nazi.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2010

Maps: they make traveling montages way easier.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2011

Submarine map travel is even better.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2012

This looks straight out of You Only Live Twice.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2013

So what’s the plan? We just pick this island because it’s there?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2014

Ah, the Nazis have a Bond villain hideout.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2015

Great way to open any scene.

Or wedding video.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2016

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2017

Is that an elevator? Or does that guy just chill on that perch all day? Because that sounds like fun.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2018

That’s a lot of swastikas for a deserted island.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2019

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2020

All right. Not gonna ask how that one worked.

Colin:

How did he get IN the U-boat? They’re all hanging out by the ladder, and they go underwater at this point. None of this is ever covered. It probably took days to get to this little island, and he was in a tiny U-boat with these guys that whole time? Did you see Das Boot? Do you KNOW how tiny these things are?

Not to mention… one way out, and he managed it before any of them were there to see him.

Seems unlikely.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2021

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2022

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2023

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2024

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2025

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2026

Lots of oblivious people in this movie.

Colin:

We always love the beat-up-a-guard-and-take-his-uniform shtick.

Especially when done in long shots.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2027

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2028

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2029

What happened to that guy’s head?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2030

Almost as good as the Goldblum shot in Jurassic Park.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2031

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2032

A ha. Nazis are small.

Guess you’ll have to beat up another guy instead.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2033

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2034

Oh, perfect timing.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2035

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2036

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2037

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2038

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2039

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2040

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2041

Colin:

Germans did have nice uniforms. But yes, I endorse this sucker punch.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2042

George C. Scott Nazi is piloting that submarine.

Or maybe David Lynch Nazi.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2043

“I am uncomfortable at the thought of this Jewish ritual.”

Why’s that? Something happen?

Colin:

In case you didn’t catch this, he’s a Nazi and Nazis didn’t like Jews. Mike and I are here to provide some useful historical context.

The first Jew was painted in 1796 by Betsy Ross.

“Are you sure it’s necessary?”

Necessary?

And Belloq’s like, “Well, we could open it in Berlin, in front of Der Fuhrer, but then, if the stuff isn’t inside…

So you went all the way to an island to do it? And not where you found it?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2044

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2045

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2046

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2047

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2048

Wow, way to be a dick.

If that were a German, you’d be killed right now.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2049

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2050

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2051

So where’s that going now?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2052

To the desert.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2053

They took a submarine to a place to walk around.

Colin:

The flag bearers are a bit strange.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2054

Man, look at that guy’s haircut.

He must have gotten so laid.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2055

What’s weird is that you can see they deliberately made him cut his hair like that. What a strange choice to go, “Yeah… do that. That’ll be good.”

Colin:

Oh, you’re hot? Maybe don’t wear all those layers topped by a fucking leather trenchcoat.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2056

Amazing. So easy to infiltrate enemy ranks in the 30s.

We really lost that.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2057

Your jacket isn’t even close to matching theirs.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2058

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2059

Don’t think you had to run. No one was paying attention.

Also, this would make a great GoldenEye level.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2060

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2061

Why did they put a sheet over it?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2062

Reveals are fun.

Also, love that they had a shifty ass A-rab there to sell him that thing. Motherfucker had that shit hanging inside his coat, too.

Colin:

That’s my second favorite kind of RPG.

Subtitle.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2063

“Hey assholes!”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2064

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2065

My kind of woman. You’re standing there with a rocket launcher, and she smiles.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2066

“Jones!”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2067

“I’m gonna blow up the Ark, Rene.”

Sure you are.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2068

Love that the evil Nazi guy sits down. He don’t give a fuck.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2069

Did they ever get her some shoes?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2070

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2071

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2072

That fly is just having a field day with his face.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2073

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2074

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2075

And there it goes. Into the mouth.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2076

“You’re gonna give mercenaries a bad name.”

Sounds exactly like Ivan Ooze as he says that.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2077

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2078

There’s this weird mouth motion he does here that makes it look like he clearly swallowed that fly.

Perhaps he’ll die.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2079

And this guy’s like, “Do you really think you’re gonna get out of here?”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2080

And Indy’s like, “Hey, I just want the girl.”

Which is a very poorly thought out plan.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2081

This is a pretty good deal. Give the girl that means nothing to you, and he goes, and you win.

Even Dwight Yaokam Nazi can see that.

“If we refuse?”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2082

“Then your Fuhrer has no prize.”

Why the fuck would you ask that? “I’m gonna blow up the Ark.” “And you think you’re gonna live?” “Hey, man, I just want the girl.” “And if we don’t give you the girl?” Motherfucker, THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN!!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2083

“Okay, Jones, you win. Blow it up.”

There you go. Call his bluff. He’s a fucking archaeologist. Not a marine. His goal was to find this thing.

Colin:

You can do the standoff with the Ark, but why not just make them the target? No, he’s not willing to blow up the Ark, but he will blow YOU up.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2084

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2085

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2086

That’s great. He’s so convinced it’s a bluff he just took a machine gun to a group of Nazis. Who apparently aren’t doing shit about it.

Those two kids on the right look 15.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2087

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2088

“Go ahead, blow it up. All your life has been spent in pursuit of archaeological relics. Inside the Ark are treasures beyond your wildest aspirations. You want to see it open as well as I.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2089

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2090

Man, he looks straight out of Moonwalker.

“Meh, see?”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2091

“Indiana, we are simply passing through history. This, this is history.”

Why not just kill the Nazis, then?

“Do as you will.”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2092

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2093

The real moral of the story is don’t have emotional weak points. They hold someone at gunpoint, you shoot that person in the head first and go, “What now, motherfucker?”

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2094

And you guys were right there the entire time?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2095

This looks like day for night.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2096

These could be wide shots from a Sean Connery Bond movie and you’d never know.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2097

This is actually how Live and Let Die ended.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2098

This is also kind of how OSS 117 ended too.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2099

Titties in the frame!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2100

Oh, Belloq, I bet you know all the rituals.

Where’d you get that frock from? The spring collection?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2101

Wow, this shot is awesome.

Also, exactly how Live and Let Die ends.

Colin:

It’s interesting to me that they tied them up here instead of just shooting them both. Why would you not just kill them after all the trouble they’ve caused? 

I Know When to Kill My Problems

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2102

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2103

Is Riefenstahl directing?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2104

They just make them all stand around and watch this.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2105

Where’d you get the staff?

Colin:

Religious stuff. I’ve never been into this. All I know is that Nazis are rude.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2106

How come the ritual is even required? Why not just open the fucking thing?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2107

Another great shot.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2108

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2109

Is that guy grabbing the other guy’s shoulder because, “Oh man, here it comes”? Or is it, “Get the fuck out of my way”?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2110

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2111

What’s Toht’s business in all of this?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2112

What if it’s an aborted fetus?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2113

Sand. It’s only sand.

(Spoken in Keanu Reeves voice.)

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2114

This is what belief in a deity amounts to.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2115

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2116

Love how the Nazi finds this hysterical.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2117

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2118

And you wore that stupid frock for nothing.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2119

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2120

Meh, I’m sure that’s normal.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2121

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2122

He’s still laughing.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2123

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2125

Burnt on the fourth of July.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2126

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2129

God hates electricity.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2130

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2131

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2132

That’s way too many sparks for how many lights there are.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2133

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2134

This is Old Testament God. New Testament God is like, “Check out my son’s cup! Come drink this shit!”

Old Testament God is all about the theatrics.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2135

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2137

Our hero is essentially powerless right now. Weird climax.

The Nazis essentially win, except for the Deus ex Arkina.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2138

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2140

Poltergeist?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2141

Yeah… maybe not stand there where the void is opening up.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2142

Maybe run.

Maybe.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2143

Jump in, see what happens?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2144

Honestly, are you really that fucking dumb?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2145

What’s with fucking Neville, running across the steps like that?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2146

Straight Ghostbusters, too.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2147

Honestly, right now, I am booking it out of there.

I’m already back at the submarine, beating off before anyone gets back.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2148

“Marion, don’t look at it.”

How do you know not to?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2149

Bitch he said DON’T look at it!

Isn’t this what happened to Lot’s wife?

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2150

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2151

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2152

Oh shit, it’s the end of Ghost.

They’re all gonna be Swayze.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2153

I guess that makes them… holy ghosts.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2154

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2155

Why is this even happening? What power does this fucking thing wield and how does it know to automatically kill them? I’m so confused.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2156

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Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2158

Should have brought some gingers. They’d have been fine.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2159

Raiders of the Lost Ark - 2160

I also like how this thing is killing everyone involved, but just because they’re like, “Nuh uh uh! We’re not looking at it! We haven’t seen anything! That means it’s not there!” they’re gonna be spared.

Colin:

All you have to do is not look? Do blind people just get a pass?

Helen Keller:

Finally!

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Still don’t get why they’re just standing here.

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“It’s beautiful!”

Sure. I guess. If that’s the word you wanna go with.

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What is going on?

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Oh good, that cloud turned into a milkmaid.

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Look at his face.

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Women… am I right?

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I want all of these to be the framed pictures hanging on the walls of my house.

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“Don’t look, Marion!”

How do you know not to look?

And what does that mean for the audience? We can see it.

Also, she looks like Keanu Reeves after he took the wire to the face.

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Not really sure why this is happening. I mean, it’s fucking stone tablets, is it not?

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Belloq shoots fire?

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What?

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I mean seriously now… what?

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That was cool.

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This is what belief in a deity amounts to.

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His facial expressions are great.

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Oh, here it comes.

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This is great too. His face engulfed in fire.

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Love the Harryhausen effects.

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GPOY

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This movie is way more gory than you think of it as being.

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That’s some Cronenberg shit right there.

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It’s gonna be fun when Indy and Marion open their eyes and see this fuck laying on the ground like that.

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So… TAs for Belloq’s classes the rest of the semester, or…?

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Clearly dummies. I love it.

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Seriously, though.

Also, if they open their eyes right now, you’re gonna tell me the fire’s gonna suddenly be like, “Nope, you lose, good day, sir”?

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The worst part is that religious people believe this is how it works.

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And you’re sucking Nazi bodies up to Heaven because…?

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This is dumb.

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Looks nice. But dumb.

Colin:

Chain lightning? Oh shit, doo doo cloud. I like that God kills the regular schmucks with the lightning and knows who the characters with names are so he can kill them in other, more gratifying ways. God can see the cast list.

God Can See The Call Sheet

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Colin:

Wow, nice shot. Not like, the film shot, but with like, landing the lid right on the thing. Kobe ain’t got shit on God.

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Great, now how the fuck do you get out of there?

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Of course. God just miraculously saved you, too. What a crock of shit that is.

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What about all that money he owes you?

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“I think I wanna fuck again.”

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When did you get untied?

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“Let’s open it a second time and see what happens!”

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No fucking way you were that far away in the previous shots.

Also, she looks naked, and I approve.

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Colin:

They are gonna fuck like crazy.

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Colin:

And a shot of Washington’s dick.

That’s where Forrest and Jenny reunited.

(All of the history and monuments I know are through the lens of Gump.)

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Apparently he did his country a great service.

Not really sure what he did, exactly. Since if they got the Ark and opened it, they were all gonna be dead no matter what. He might have saved Hitler by doing it this way. Really all he did was get his girlfriend back.

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And apparently he made a shit ton of money from it as well. Probably for his silence.

Colin:

That’s great. The US government bought them off. I love money.

But he wants to know where the Ark is.

They say it’s “somewhere very safe.”

“From whom?”

From whom? Did you not see…

Oh.

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Brody says the Ark has “unspeakable power” and must be researched. They say it will be. They have “top men” working on it right now.

“Who?”

Not Belloq, I can tell you that. That motherfucker is DEAD.

Also, look at Bradley Whitford playing Martin Scorsese back there.

(That could also be Matthew Perry playing Martin Scorsese.)

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“Top. Men.”

Colin:

Top. Men. People should say this more often. “Colin, when are you going to send me that child support check?” “I have top men working on it right now. Top. Men.”

I kept wondering where I recognized that guy before. And I kept jokingly wanted to call him Porkins. Turns out he WAS Porkins. I should probably just trust my instincts.

Like with Matthew Perry/Bradley Whitford Scorsese back there. Tell me I’m not spot on. I dare you.

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Why are you shaking Marcus’s hand? Aren’t you going back to the same school? Or does he have to cross the i’s and dot the t’s? Doesn’t it such to be the administrator? He’s gotta actually do all the paperwork, and Indy gets to show up and get the pertinent information then go off and get drunk and screw his former underage lover.

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“Hey, what happened?”

I like how he started walking down the steps and didn’t give a shit if she followed or not.

Just in case you thought he has a high view of women.

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“You don’t look very happy.”

“Fools. Bureaucratic fools.”

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I love how she has to run back up the steps when he turns around and then double back to follow him again. Dick move on his part, nice footwork on hers.

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“What did they say?”

“They don’t know what they’ve got there.”

Do you?

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“Well I know what I’ve got here.”

Wait… wait a minute. Did we just gloss over what just happened?

The Ark was taken someplace secretive. They won’t tell Jones where. It seemed as though he was maybe trying to warn them that the Ark is dangerous, but it seems like he really just wants to study its powers, hence what Brody said. But then they say they are going to study it. Just… their guys. And now he’s like, “Those assholes and their rules.” Motherfucker, that thing KILLS PEOPLE. Where the fuck would you keep it?

There are so many questions to be raised about what’s going on, and now it’s like, “Well, whatever, let’s go fuck.”

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“Come on. I’ll buy you a drink.”

Colin:

“What happened? Actually, I don’t care. Let’s change the subject to drinking and screwing.”

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Oh… all right.

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“You know. A drink?”

Is that code for sex? Also, didn’t he owe you money? Why are you buying him a drink?

Colin:

Shia had SO much fetal alcohol syndrome.

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This looks straight out of The Untouchables.

Which basically just means 30s.

Little more soft focus than The Untouchables.

Same amount of Connery.

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I love that he doesn’t say a word. Just lets his arm out.

Okay, we will get a drink.

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This is like the ending of The Talk of the Town.

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One last look at the bureaucrats before we saunter off.

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She’s got a nice look.

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Colin:

That was a perfect segue from her theme to the ark’s.

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The Ark is basically the Gimp of history.

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So, given where this thing is put, do you really need the lock on it? Is someone really gonna drunkenly be wandering around like, “I wonder what’s in here…”?

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People like spray painting crates.

Colin:

That’s the US government. I love how big and ridiculous we are. A yearlong sandstorm wipes out a civilization and hides the ark underground for almost 3000 years. The only thing comparable to that level of obscurity? Some warehouse we have full of secret shit in boxes. That’s why when Snowden was leaking all his bullshit, I was hoping that something would turn up about lost antiquities, but it ended up being some boring crap about government spying.

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I wanna be that old guy.

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I also like the exclamation point. “Do not open!” Like, “Well shit, I was gonna open it, but they seem so adamant about it.”

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Somewhere, there’s a file on all of these objects. Because there are almost ten million of them.

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That’s… a lot of things to be hiding, for 1930-whatever. Especially since the one we just saw melts people’s faces off. Where is that on the scale of everything else in here? Is one of these things just like, Alexander’s bath squeegee? What’s the Rosebud of this room?

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Why has no one made a TV series about this place? And spending an episode (or more) looking at each box.

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I also like how the music gets all sinister and mysterious, and then shrugs it off and goes right into the Raiders March. “This is probably something important, but fuck it, let’s dance.”

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow, we go over our favorite images from the film.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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2 responses

  1. BlueFox94

    “Why is this even happening? What power does this fucking thing wield and how does it know to automatically kill them? I’m so confused.”

    Your confusion is what happens when you don’t go to Sunday school, guys. :b

    By the way, I saw this film at the Seattle Cinerama last night. Full house, chocolate popcorn–the best cinema experience in the world in my opinion.

    March 27, 2015 at 3:30 pm

  2. Dee

    Cool. Watching this again and checking out modern reviews. Here’s a fun pseudo-scientific explanation (feel free to use it if you write fiction):

    I think the Ark is like an EMP device that uses resonance to agitate the overdeveloped reptilian brains of the wicked (psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists).

    Don’t think it can happen? I’ve got this device that agitates water dipoles (JUST water dipoles) and I use it to heat food .. it’s called a Microwave oven. There’s a device that scrambles motorneurons (JUST motorneurons) to incapacitate a person .. it’s called a Taser. Sound far-fetched?

    So, yeah. The Ark is a discriminating weapon tuned to clean up the wicked, and it could be remade (maybe a satellite network). It reappears in Rev. 11-18-19. Stay tuned and stay clean.

    January 22, 2017 at 3:32 pm

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