Fun with Franchises: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Part V — “God Can See the Call Sheet”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Indiana Jones franchise, and today is the fifth part of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We begin Part V with a match cut to dancing.

I like to think that these are the same people from before, still celebrating that little trick they pulled on the Nazis.

Where’d she get that dress?

The Ark is on board the ship, and they’ve arranged passage.

I want to arrange passage on something.

I also want to ride in the boxcar of a train.

Can we please figure out a way to get me to do these things before they stop being available to do?

I like how great Spielberg is at immediately making people shifty.

Colin:

Hooray! Hooray for shiftiness!

Though this is also the same way you introduce an awesome hero in a 40s movie. Pretty sure I’ve seen Bogart introduced this way at least twice.

You gotta admit, though, this boat captain’s got style.

Colin:

Katanga, which is apparently the name for random black dudes, is awesome.

This guy’s name sounds like Kananga, which I know Colin would love to be reminded about. One of his favorite Bond villain deaths of all time.

“Mr. Katanga, these are my friends.”

I love that these are all single shot takes.

“Sup, white lady?”

Oh, but damn, Sallah is legit passionate about this. He calls them his family, and says he’ll hear about it if something happens to them.

“Mr. Jones. I’ve heard a lot about you, sir. Your appearance is exactly the way I imagined.”

Aww, now we gotta say goodbye to Sallah.

Bro hug.

Marion hasn’t said a word since she got accosted by those skeletons.

“Look out for each other. I am already missing you.”

That’s hilarious. “I am already missing you.”

What’s with that look on Jones’ face?

One for the wife.

One for the kids.

And one for him.

And now one for Indy. *zip*

It’s creepy that he’s watching this.

Honestly, it’s really the only way to celebrate an erection.

Colin:

That’s how I want to live my life. Get kissed, sing like a drunkard.

Shame that he’s gotta go home to his nine kids now.

At least he got paid for that.

This is all still a single shot, by the way.

Bring back the long take, people. Seriously.

A HA HA, they said goodbye and now they’re still seeing one another.

Boat shots on water.

Colin:

Sup, Betty?

Oh, they’ve been banging the whole time.

He asks where she got the nightgown. She says from Katanga.

“I’ve got a feeling I’m not the first woman to be traveling with these pirates.”

Really? What gave it away? What if you were? What would that mean for these pirates? Also, what do you think happened to the first woman who traveled with these pirates? They might have raped and killed her and kept the nightgown.

Colin:

Was that a white slavery reference? Cause Mike and I LOVE jokes about white slavery.

It’s the most comedic of all the servitudes.

Colin:

More wide shots over screaming.

He’s pulling his bandages off.

I know that’s comedic and all, but are those actresses’ photos on there? Did they barter passage on this ship? Did the white slavers have actresses on here? Or do they just jerk off to them?

“What’d you say?”

We all know that face.

“You’re not the man I knew ten years ago.”

“It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.”

Colin:

That’s such a great line, cause it’s a car line. Car culture isn’t really established enough for this line to be in common use, but it’s such a fundamental concept that it still works perfectly. He’s covered miles, he’s run down.

She was also 16 ten years ago.

“Does this hurt?”

“Yes, Marion, it hurts.”

Colin:

That was a best exaggerated “ow” I’ve ever heard.

“Well goddamnit, Indy, where doesn’t it hurt?”

*zip*

“Here!”

Why does it hurt there?

“Here.”

“This isn’t too bad.”

Colin:

You’re a G.

I don’t know about you guys, but it seems to me that boat’s not moving.

Well damn, he came quick.

“Jones? Jones!”

Colin:

He fell asleep during the kiss. You’re supposed to kiss her and then tell her your dick doesn’t hurt. Don’t act like that’s not what EVERY guy thought watching this scene. She’s kissing wherever it doesn’t hurt. Uh, JACKPOT.

“We never seem to get a break, do we?”

Classic movie romance progression.

“Nobody knows… the troubles I’ve seen…”

Wait… is the Ark killing the mice?

Colin:

Haha! An autistic rat!

Have you guys seen Milk?

Colin:

God hates Nazis, I think is what we can guess from this cut.

THIS FUCKING SHOT.

The dick humor in this shot is incredible.

And it’s even better with her looking at it.

The engines have stopped.

How’d she get naked?

Colin:

Cover them titties, we got Germans boarding.

Did she bang him when he was sleeping? Why is she so happy?

Ah, a U-Boat.

Boss, Das boot! Das boot!

Another life goal – stand on top of a submarine as it moves across the water.

Where’d they get these guys from? The Black Panthers?

Colin:

I feel like as a child, I just saw those people in the cargo hold as Mexican. Like, I knew that they were in Africa and headed to England, but somehow, those people in the cargo hold were still Mexican to me.

Run run run run oh shit they over there

Amazing how many times he just leaves her to fend for herself.

Look at that fucking guy.

“Don’t you touch me!”

What if they had a gimp? Man, wouldn’t that fuck everybody up.

What if that was the Ark of the Covenant? A gimp.

Then Zed would really be dead.

Just like Nietzsche said.

See what I mean about Spielberg and gags?

Look at me. I am ze kapitän now.

Look at these coordinated military moves. They almost look…staged.

This looks like fucking broadway. They take three steps forward and the crowd all take three steps back at the same time?

These guys look like the Live and Let Die extras.

That U-Boat is a little far away to be thinking about moving that thing over. What if it falls?

Colin:

Good hiding place.

Does no one care that Jones is aboard this boat? Or do they just want the Ark?

I like how they’re grabbing her, yet she knows exactly where to look to find Indy.

Also, part of her titty is hanging out.

Oh, she wasn’t looking at Indy? She was just looking over that the random German guy?

That one guy is making sure his goatee ain’t fucked up.

Oh, to punch him in the face. Sure.

That guy’s teeth are scaring me.

Yeah, George Harris, restrain that white lady.

There should be an album called Restrain That White Lady.

Look at Belloq. Always so clean. That shirt’s a little too starched and boring for my taste, but it is 1936. Or whatever year it is. I’m so glad I don’t know what year it is off hand. Most movies would have shoved that shit down our throats by now.

Colin:

Still, Ivan Ooze is well-dressed.

“What about JONES?!”

He actually started the sentence then spun around as he said it. This shit was really staged.

“Jones is dead. I killed him.”

Why did you kill him?

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Sniff the white lady’s hair.

I like what he’s doing. He’s like, “Hey, you got your cargo, that’s cool. Leave me the white lady, and we’re square.”

Colin:

Possibly my favorite part of the movie. Cause white slavery. Look at how creepy he’s making it!

But holy fuck, then the guy calls him a savage. That’s… racist.

“We will take what we wish.”

Fucking Germans.

Well, I guess that’s stereotyping.

Fucking white people.

Kobe!

“The girl goes with me.”

Oh, but you are in a position to make requests?

Colin:

They call Katanga a savage for talking about white slavery and then Belloq turns around and makes her part of his ‘compensation.’

Why are George Harris’s legs spread so far apart?

And seriously, why did they just accept this guy telling them Indy is dead?

This could be from Hunt from Red October, and you’d never know.

Colin:

As they cut to this guy plotting a course on the charts in the U-boat, I’m pretty sure the radio garble in the background is the same sound clip from the Imperial probe droid at the beginning of Empire.

Right?

And Harrison Ford was fucking IN Patriot Games!

Also, they have an uncovered bulb just hanging there in the middle of a submarine.

They can’t find Jones.

“He has to be here somewhere. Look again.”

He’s a fucking person. He’ll come find you.

“I found him.”

Submarines are the best.

Just in case you ever wondered what your teachers did on weekends.

Love that the white slavers are the good guys.

Marion’s current age.

How does that flag stay on when they dive?

Love submarines.

Derek Jeter Nazi.

Maps: they make traveling montages way easier.

Submarine map travel is even better.

This looks straight out of You Only Live Twice.

So what’s the plan? We just pick this island because it’s there?

Ah, the Nazis have a Bond villain hideout.

Great way to open any scene.

Or wedding video.

Is that an elevator? Or does that guy just chill on that perch all day? Because that sounds like fun.

That’s a lot of swastikas for a deserted island.

All right. Not gonna ask how that one worked.

Colin:

How did he get IN the U-boat? They’re all hanging out by the ladder, and they go underwater at this point. None of this is ever covered. It probably took days to get to this little island, and he was in a tiny U-boat with these guys that whole time? Did you see Das Boot? Do you KNOW how tiny these things are?

Not to mention… one way out, and he managed it before any of them were there to see him.

Seems unlikely.

Lots of oblivious people in this movie.

Colin:

We always love the beat-up-a-guard-and-take-his-uniform shtick.

Especially when done in long shots.

What happened to that guy’s head?

Almost as good as the Goldblum shot in Jurassic Park.

A ha. Nazis are small.

Guess you’ll have to beat up another guy instead.

Oh, perfect timing.

Colin:

Germans did have nice uniforms. But yes, I endorse this sucker punch.

George C. Scott Nazi is piloting that submarine.

Or maybe David Lynch Nazi.

“I am uncomfortable at the thought of this Jewish ritual.”

Why’s that? Something happen?

Colin:

In case you didn’t catch this, he’s a Nazi and Nazis didn’t like Jews. Mike and I are here to provide some useful historical context.

The first Jew was painted in 1796 by Betsy Ross.

“Are you sure it’s necessary?”

Necessary?

And Belloq’s like, “Well, we could open it in Berlin, in front of Der Fuhrer, but then, if the stuff isn’t inside…

So you went all the way to an island to do it? And not where you found it?

Wow, way to be a dick.

If that were a German, you’d be killed right now.

So where’s that going now?

To the desert.

They took a submarine to a place to walk around.

Colin:

The flag bearers are a bit strange.

Man, look at that guy’s haircut.

He must have gotten so laid.

What’s weird is that you can see they deliberately made him cut his hair like that. What a strange choice to go, “Yeah… do that. That’ll be good.”

Colin:

Oh, you’re hot? Maybe don’t wear all those layers topped by a fucking leather trenchcoat.

Amazing. So easy to infiltrate enemy ranks in the 30s.

We really lost that.

Your jacket isn’t even close to matching theirs.

Don’t think you had to run. No one was paying attention.

Also, this would make a great GoldenEye level.

Why did they put a sheet over it?

Reveals are fun.

Also, love that they had a shifty ass A-rab there to sell him that thing. Motherfucker had that shit hanging inside his coat, too.

Colin:

That’s my second favorite kind of RPG.

Subtitle.

“Hey assholes!”

My kind of woman. You’re standing there with a rocket launcher, and she smiles.

“Jones!”

“I’m gonna blow up the Ark, Rene.”

Sure you are.

Love that the evil Nazi guy sits down. He don’t give a fuck.

Did they ever get her some shoes?

That fly is just having a field day with his face.

And there it goes. Into the mouth.

“You’re gonna give mercenaries a bad name.”

Sounds exactly like Ivan Ooze as he says that.

There’s this weird mouth motion he does here that makes it look like he clearly swallowed that fly.

Perhaps he’ll die.

And this guy’s like, “Do you really think you’re gonna get out of here?”

And Indy’s like, “Hey, I just want the girl.”

Which is a very poorly thought out plan.

This is a pretty good deal. Give the girl that means nothing to you, and he goes, and you win.

Even Dwight Yaokam Nazi can see that.

“If we refuse?”

“Then your Fuhrer has no prize.”

Why the fuck would you ask that? “I’m gonna blow up the Ark.” “And you think you’re gonna live?” “Hey, man, I just want the girl.” “And if we don’t give you the girl?” Motherfucker, THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN!!

“Okay, Jones, you win. Blow it up.”

There you go. Call his bluff. He’s a fucking archaeologist. Not a marine. His goal was to find this thing.

Colin:

You can do the standoff with the Ark, but why not just make them the target? No, he’s not willing to blow up the Ark, but he will blow YOU up.

That’s great. He’s so convinced it’s a bluff he just took a machine gun to a group of Nazis. Who apparently aren’t doing shit about it.

Those two kids on the right look 15.

“Go ahead, blow it up. All your life has been spent in pursuit of archaeological relics. Inside the Ark are treasures beyond your wildest aspirations. You want to see it open as well as I.”

Man, he looks straight out of Moonwalker.

“Meh, see?”

“Indiana, we are simply passing through history. This, this is history.”

Why not just kill the Nazis, then?

“Do as you will.”

The real moral of the story is don’t have emotional weak points. They hold someone at gunpoint, you shoot that person in the head first and go, “What now, motherfucker?”

And you guys were right there the entire time?

This looks like day for night.

These could be wide shots from a Sean Connery Bond movie and you’d never know.

This is actually how Live and Let Die ended.

This is also kind of how OSS 117 ended too.

Titties in the frame!

Oh, Belloq, I bet you know all the rituals.

Where’d you get that frock from? The spring collection?

Wow, this shot is awesome.

Also, exactly how Live and Let Die ends.

Colin:

It’s interesting to me that they tied them up here instead of just shooting them both. Why would you not just kill them after all the trouble they’ve caused? 

I Know When to Kill My Problems

Is Riefenstahl directing?

They just make them all stand around and watch this.

Where’d you get the staff?

Colin:

Religious stuff. I’ve never been into this. All I know is that Nazis are rude.

How come the ritual is even required? Why not just open the fucking thing?

Another great shot.

Is that guy grabbing the other guy’s shoulder because, “Oh man, here it comes”? Or is it, “Get the fuck out of my way”?

What’s Toht’s business in all of this?

What if it’s an aborted fetus?

Sand. It’s only sand.

(Spoken in Keanu Reeves voice.)

This is what belief in a deity amounts to.

Love how the Nazi finds this hysterical.

And you wore that stupid frock for nothing.

Meh, I’m sure that’s normal.

He’s still laughing.

Burnt on the fourth of July.

God hates electricity.

That’s way too many sparks for how many lights there are.

This is Old Testament God. New Testament God is like, “Check out my son’s cup! Come drink this shit!”

Old Testament God is all about the theatrics.

Our hero is essentially powerless right now. Weird climax.

The Nazis essentially win, except for the Deus ex Arkina.

Poltergeist?

Yeah… maybe not stand there where the void is opening up.

Maybe run.

Maybe.

Jump in, see what happens?

Honestly, are you really that fucking dumb?

What’s with fucking Neville, running across the steps like that?

Straight Ghostbusters, too.

Honestly, right now, I am booking it out of there.

I’m already back at the submarine, beating off before anyone gets back.

“Marion, don’t look at it.”

How do you know not to?

Bitch he said DON’T look at it!

Isn’t this what happened to Lot’s wife?

Oh shit, it’s the end of Ghost.

They’re all gonna be Swayze.

I guess that makes them… holy ghosts.

Why is this even happening? What power does this fucking thing wield and how does it know to automatically kill them? I’m so confused.

Should have brought some gingers. They’d have been fine.

I also like how this thing is killing everyone involved, but just because they’re like, “Nuh uh uh! We’re not looking at it! We haven’t seen anything! That means it’s not there!” they’re gonna be spared.

Colin:

All you have to do is not look? Do blind people just get a pass?

Helen Keller:

Finally!

Still don’t get why they’re just standing here.

“It’s beautiful!”

Sure. I guess. If that’s the word you wanna go with.

What is going on?

Oh good, that cloud turned into a milkmaid.

Look at his face.

Women… am I right?

I want all of these to be the framed pictures hanging on the walls of my house.

“Don’t look, Marion!”

How do you know not to look?

And what does that mean for the audience? We can see it.

Also, she looks like Keanu Reeves after he took the wire to the face.

Not really sure why this is happening. I mean, it’s fucking stone tablets, is it not?

Belloq shoots fire?

What?

I mean seriously now… what?

That was cool.

This is what belief in a deity amounts to.

His facial expressions are great.

Oh, here it comes.

This is great too. His face engulfed in fire.

Love the Harryhausen effects.

GPOY

This movie is way more gory than you think of it as being.

That’s some Cronenberg shit right there.

It’s gonna be fun when Indy and Marion open their eyes and see this fuck laying on the ground like that.

So… TAs for Belloq’s classes the rest of the semester, or…?

Clearly dummies. I love it.

Seriously, though.

Also, if they open their eyes right now, you’re gonna tell me the fire’s gonna suddenly be like, “Nope, you lose, good day, sir”?

The worst part is that religious people believe this is how it works.

And you’re sucking Nazi bodies up to Heaven because…?

This is dumb.

Looks nice. But dumb.

Colin:

Chain lightning? Oh shit, doo doo cloud. I like that God kills the regular schmucks with the lightning and knows who the characters with names are so he can kill them in other, more gratifying ways. God can see the cast list.

God Can See The Call Sheet

Colin:

Wow, nice shot. Not like, the film shot, but with like, landing the lid right on the thing. Kobe ain’t got shit on God.

Great, now how the fuck do you get out of there?

Of course. God just miraculously saved you, too. What a crock of shit that is.

What about all that money he owes you?

“I think I wanna fuck again.”

When did you get untied?

“Let’s open it a second time and see what happens!”

No fucking way you were that far away in the previous shots.

Also, she looks naked, and I approve.

Colin:

They are gonna fuck like crazy.

Colin:

And a shot of Washington’s dick.

That’s where Forrest and Jenny reunited.

(All of the history and monuments I know are through the lens of Gump.)

Apparently he did his country a great service.

Not really sure what he did, exactly. Since if they got the Ark and opened it, they were all gonna be dead no matter what. He might have saved Hitler by doing it this way. Really all he did was get his girlfriend back.

And apparently he made a shit ton of money from it as well. Probably for his silence.

Colin:

That’s great. The US government bought them off. I love money.

But he wants to know where the Ark is.

They say it’s “somewhere very safe.”

“From whom?”

From whom? Did you not see…

Oh.

Brody says the Ark has “unspeakable power” and must be researched. They say it will be. They have “top men” working on it right now.

“Who?”

Not Belloq, I can tell you that. That motherfucker is DEAD.

Also, look at Bradley Whitford playing Martin Scorsese back there.

(That could also be Matthew Perry playing Martin Scorsese.)

“Top. Men.”

Colin:

Top. Men. People should say this more often. “Colin, when are you going to send me that child support check?” “I have top men working on it right now. Top. Men.”

I kept wondering where I recognized that guy before. And I kept jokingly wanted to call him Porkins. Turns out he WAS Porkins. I should probably just trust my instincts.

Like with Matthew Perry/Bradley Whitford Scorsese back there. Tell me I’m not spot on. I dare you.

Why are you shaking Marcus’s hand? Aren’t you going back to the same school? Or does he have to cross the i’s and dot the t’s? Doesn’t it such to be the administrator? He’s gotta actually do all the paperwork, and Indy gets to show up and get the pertinent information then go off and get drunk and screw his former underage lover.

“Hey, what happened?”

I like how he started walking down the steps and didn’t give a shit if she followed or not.

Just in case you thought he has a high view of women.

“You don’t look very happy.”

“Fools. Bureaucratic fools.”

I love how she has to run back up the steps when he turns around and then double back to follow him again. Dick move on his part, nice footwork on hers.

“What did they say?”

“They don’t know what they’ve got there.”

Do you?

“Well I know what I’ve got here.”

Wait… wait a minute. Did we just gloss over what just happened?

The Ark was taken someplace secretive. They won’t tell Jones where. It seemed as though he was maybe trying to warn them that the Ark is dangerous, but it seems like he really just wants to study its powers, hence what Brody said. But then they say they are going to study it. Just… their guys. And now he’s like, “Those assholes and their rules.” Motherfucker, that thing KILLS PEOPLE. Where the fuck would you keep it?

There are so many questions to be raised about what’s going on, and now it’s like, “Well, whatever, let’s go fuck.”

“Come on. I’ll buy you a drink.”

Colin:

“What happened? Actually, I don’t care. Let’s change the subject to drinking and screwing.”

Oh… all right.

“You know. A drink?”

Is that code for sex? Also, didn’t he owe you money? Why are you buying him a drink?

Colin:

Shia had SO much fetal alcohol syndrome.

This looks straight out of The Untouchables.

Which basically just means 30s.

Little more soft focus than The Untouchables.

Same amount of Connery.

I love that he doesn’t say a word. Just lets his arm out.

Okay, we will get a drink.

This is like the ending of The Talk of the Town.

One last look at the bureaucrats before we saunter off.

She’s got a nice look.

Colin:

That was a perfect segue from her theme to the ark’s.

The Ark is basically the Gimp of history.

So, given where this thing is put, do you really need the lock on it? Is someone really gonna drunkenly be wandering around like, “I wonder what’s in here…”?

People like spray painting crates.

Colin:

That’s the US government. I love how big and ridiculous we are. A yearlong sandstorm wipes out a civilization and hides the ark underground for almost 3000 years. The only thing comparable to that level of obscurity? Some warehouse we have full of secret shit in boxes. That’s why when Snowden was leaking all his bullshit, I was hoping that something would turn up about lost antiquities, but it ended up being some boring crap about government spying.

I wanna be that old guy.

I also like the exclamation point. “Do not open!” Like, “Well shit, I was gonna open it, but they seem so adamant about it.”

Somewhere, there’s a file on all of these objects. Because there are almost ten million of them.

That’s… a lot of things to be hiding, for 1930-whatever. Especially since the one we just saw melts people’s faces off. Where is that on the scale of everything else in here? Is one of these things just like, Alexander’s bath squeegee? What’s the Rosebud of this room?

Why has no one made a TV series about this place? And spending an episode (or more) looking at each box.

I also like how the music gets all sinister and mysterious, and then shrugs it off and goes right into the Raiders March. “This is probably something important, but fuck it, let’s dance.”

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow, we go over our favorite images from the film.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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