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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man (2008), Part IV — “Jeff Bridges Made a Date Rape Machine”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Iron Man.

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We begin Part IV with the news.

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Hey, I recognize her from things.

You may also recognize her as the chick Scientology tortured because she talked about that time they tried to maker her Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.

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Colin:

Does this newscast not remind you of Dan Rather reporting from Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion?

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Well, this is doing a good job of setting up motivations. I’ll give them that.

There’s a tip for Marvel: Set up motivations, not universes.

Colin:

I want a propeller on my wall when I grow up.

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Colin:

Do you think he can jack it with that hand?

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WHO IS LETTING THEM FILM THIS?!!

This seems really coincidental, that all of this shit is on the news. And yet the government does nothing about this? They SHOW them with weapons!

Colin:

Who’s filming this? If this was Call of Duty, you’d get headshotted and someone would teabag your corpse. I feel like that would be the most ridiculous tactic for an American shock and awe campaign. If we did that to scare our enemies. “Yeah! TEABAGGED!”

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Colin:

I’m shocked at how candid that shot was supposed to look. I do say supposed to look.

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Colin:

He has an espresso maker and lots of cool models. Is it weird that these are the aspects of this scene that interest me?

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Well that was your office.

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Cause why not?

Oh, I get it. He realizes he can fuck people up.

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Colin:

Look at that…artwork he has. Lots of America. Love the propeller, though.

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Gunfighter shit.

Colin:

Such disregard for glass. Rich people don’t care about breaking stuff.

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Now anyone can get in here.

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Always remember to hit your… Mark.

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Is he wearing a slightly darker black turtleneck?

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Colin:

This all looks impressive, and then he gets rid of all of it later. Which is cool, because that’s how design works. The first iteration is almost never quite there, is it? And then later on, the thing just covers him like nothing. Shit, in the second movie, he has a suitcase that does it.

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Colin:

Jeez, Tony, try not to look so brooding.

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“I am Batman.”

No, wait… I had something for this…

Colin:

Why does it look scuffed up? This is the first time he’s worn this suit. Or at least, the first time he’s worn it with the new metal and the paint job and everything.

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Colin:

I enjoy this mostly because it allows you to travel around the world without dealing with airlines. I would so gladly fly in one of those instead of flying on an airliner.

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Ahh… Mexico.

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Or maybe Detroit.

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Colin:

General mayhem. There’s no pretense, and the town is already blown to shreds. No real reason for them to be shooting people randomly now, but you know. That’s how this plot continues.

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Colin:

There’s that yalla yalla again.

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Come on, kid. Listen to Drake. Go back.

Colin:

Throw the child in the square so my country can be free?

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Colin:

It wouldn’t surprise me if half of these extras were Mexican. Make sure the camera moves off of them before too long and an American audience – for that matter, any audience that isn’t Arab or Hispanic – is probably getting fooled.

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Colin:

I kinda wish he was kicking him the way Samir did to the printer in Office Space. You all remember it.

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Colin:

Looks like the guy smack dab in the middle is pretending to do this woman doggystyle. Cause hostages love pussy too. 

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It’s always this moment the hero shows up.

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Colin:

I hate it when children look up in movies. It’s always that moment of wonder. These are the moments Favreau worked in to subliminally appeal to kids. If Stark was a real badass, there’d be one really hot hostage chick who would look up like, “D-AMN! I wanna get fucked!”

I hate it when children look up.

Eyes on the ground, cretins!

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Nice entrance.

Colin:

That’s a badass entrance. Anytime you enter on one knee – preferably naked – that’s’ a great entrance.

And yet I was the one that was kicked out of graduation.

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He got FUCKED UP.

Colin:

That’s some Dragonball Z shit right there. Punching a dude through the air and into a wall. Meanwhile, this guy has a power level of like 2, so his internal organs are jelly.

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Colin:

I’ll admit, when I saw this for the first time AFTER watching Pan’s Labyrinth, I imagined little pupils on the light cannon thing. Fuck the pale man.

Colin loves the Pale Man.

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Colin:

How can a place be dry AND dirty AND it’s snowing? Yeah, it’s cold and ugly, and we won’t give you enough snow to cover up the ugly or melt into precious water, we’ll give you just enough to remind you how cold and thirsty you are in this ugly place.

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I like people being thrown into walls.

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You guys remember cumming for the first time?

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Colin:

I don’t exactly understand what those beams are, but they’re pretty cool. Do they burn you?

From watching all ten of these movies, they’re repulsors, so they’re meant to throw you back. But I see sparks there, so there has to be some sort of burning effect somewhere.

Or maybe those are snowflakes burning.

Also, did a bird shit on his back?

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I was gonna ask if something existed, and the internet very quickly showed me it does, and… well… here it is:

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Colin:

Hostage-taker nonsensical Arabic. The one on the left looks like he might be mid-schnell.

I hate it when I get interrupted mid-schnell.

Also, John Leguizamo terrorist.

You know which one.

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Gunfighter shot.

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Pinky’s out.

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Colin:

That is a very nice trick.

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Colin:

Stop looking up, children.

Wait, he’s about to start a slow clap. And then we’re gonna have a, “Thank you,” “No… thank you” exchange.

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Colin:

That’s the kind of phone you use if you’re fitting to get eaten by a dino-saw.

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Who was he calling?

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Colin:

I just noticed this image. This is a funny image to me.

This is the same face Ron made when the tree dick broke through the windshield.

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Colin:

You just got pulled through a concrete wall, which is also pretty much death, no?

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“He’s all yours.”

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Colin:

I would give this movie all the stars if they kept the camera rolling for another 5 minutes on this while they go all Zero Dark Thirty on this guy.

What if they picked him up and started cheering and parading him around town?

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Colin:

Mach .14? So…that’s like 104 mph. Is that all he’s doing?

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Yes, thank you. Wasn’t quite sure what those things were.

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I like people getting hit by things previously out of frame.

Imagine a person sitting in their car, and out of nowhere, a giant dildo hits them in the face. Hilarious. It’s science.

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That… seemed lucky.

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I do like him crashing, though. That was nice.

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Colin:

I don’t buy for a second that this tank can hit him. Also, this is supposed to be an enemy tank, is it not? As in, not American? Cause that appears to be an M1 Abrams, which is American. Shouldn’t they be using a T-72 or whatever they use in these parts of the world?

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Look at this Steel Helmet shot.

Sure, they have no idea they’re emulating it. This is more Terminator than anything. But this shot always makes me think of The Steel Helmet.

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What if he were furiously masturbating below the rocks?

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Colin:

Those servos don’t sound great.

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This is how High Noon ended.

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Colin:

How you bout to dodge a tank round in a metal suit? In ANY suit? I couldn’t dodge a tank round in a swim suit.

If you can dodge a wrench…

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Yes, it’s cool. Cliche as hell. But this came on the early end of these kinds of shots. They got way overdone after this. So I’ll allow it.

Also, kinda funny that he has one of these that works and in the next movie… squadoosh.

Colin:

Gratuitous badassery. I mean, you have to be a Michael Bay movie badass to turn around and start walking before the explosion.

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That was a fun detour.

It actually makes this more entertaining than later Marvel action sequences. Also because it’s at least 60% character based.

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So Obadiah sold them to them? Was this to make up for Tony getting away? Because if he was selling them to them anyway, why did they need Tony to make them?

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This is some Dragon Ball Z shit.

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This reminds me of… which one is it.. .Diamonds Are Forever? Must be. He’s got the satellite that destroys shit. And it destroys the missiles that are set up like the Jerichos. And it just hits them, overheats them, and they turn red, and then just explode.

Man, special effects were great in the 70s.

Colin:

Blows up the missiles, which is necessary – still unclear on how that works with blowing up explosives and why they don’t blow up with the same force they would had you fired them. But then, shouldn’t he head off to find the guy who kidnapped him? He might have thought he’d been killed in the cave, but we just saw him smoking a cigarette on the news. Why would you not go get him? Turned out he was right there.

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Your life is just being ruined by that guy you kidnapped.

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Colin:

I really wonder what kind of radar signature that suit has. You’d think he could have made it stealth.

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“Get me Colonel Rhodes from weapons development down here now.”

Naturally.

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He’s asking questions that sound like they could have been asked by all of these people.

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Is he gonna liaise now?

Colin:

It’s really puzzling as to why they have a revolving red light in this room, as if everyone behind a monitor here has to be reminded that some shit is going down.

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Colin:

This is how comic books work. Rhodes happened to be right there and is also the person who they call about this for some answers.

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“Colonel, what are we dealing with, here?”

REALLY?! Can none of you do your jobs at all?

Colin:

Is the camo necessary in an office in California?

This is California, though, right? Because why is California the place monitoring the terrorists? Maybe, I don’t know… Virginia?

“Let me make a call.”

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“Hello.”

“Tony.”

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“Who’s this?”

Who’s this? That’s great.

“What the hell is that noise?”

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“I’m driving with the top down.”

“Yeah, well I need your help, right now.”

Sounds exactly like something a military man would say.

“Funny how that works, huh?”

“Yeah, speaking of funny, we got a weapons depot that was just blown up a few clicks from where you were being held.”

Colin:

I feel like the term “a few clicks” from somewhere is going to take on a very different meaning during the age of cyber warfare.

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“Well, that’s a hot spot. Sounds like someone stepped in and did your job for you.”

“Why do you sound out of breath?”

“I’m not, I was just jogging in the canyon.”

“I thought you were driving.”

“Right, I was driving through the canyon. Where I’m gonna jog.”

Colin:

That’s not inconsistent with what he said. He said he was driving with the top down, and then that he was JUST jogging in the canyon. Maybe he was just jogging in the canyon and just hopped into his car. The tense police do not have him in a lie here.

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“You sure you don’t have any tech in that area I should know about?”

Remember when he was shutting down his weapons division?

“Nope.”

“Okay good, because I’m staring at one right now and it’s about to be blown to kingdom come.”

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Colin:

F-22s! I love me some F-22s.

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“Ah, that’s my exit.”

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This is how Goose died.

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Colin:

He’s so much more maneuverable than they are. Going fast is not the right move. He can stop, they can’t. Fly into a cloud and just chill there.

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Nice glare.

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Colin:

I really want a HUD on something. I don’t care if it’s on a cat. I want a HUD.

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Is he not muting this phone call as he’s giving these orders?

Colin:

He hung up and calls back later.

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Did he anticipate this scenario?

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Colin:

See? He stopped, they didn’t. He should disappear instead of hanging out here.

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Nice way to get in that cartoon theme song. Definitely a lot easier than the Spider-Man one.

(Still waiting on that X-Men theme to make it’s way in somehow.)

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“Hi Rhodey, it’s me.”

“It’s who?”

“I’m sorry, it is me. What you’re asking about, it’s me.”

“No, see, this isn’t a game. You do not send civilian equipment into my active warzone. You understand that?”

Colin:

What does he mean, MY active warzone? And he wasn’t doing shit to stop them with all their hostages.

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“It’s not a piece of equipment, I’m in it. It’s a suit. It’s me!”

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You got some liaising to do.

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Nice.

How come he turned his plane, though? Was that a natural movement to turn, or was this The Plot?

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Colin:

Clench them butt cheeks. 

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Colin:

What follows is their fault. You don’t do a barrel roll right next to another plane. What did you think was going to happen, seriously?

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Look, I can’t help it:

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Kuleshov.

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Hey you guys remember Moonraker?

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You guys are recording this, right?

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I like this angle. Falling down toward the neverending sand.

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And somehow he knew this?

Colin:

Of course there’s no chute. And of course they immediately try to shoot him down again. He’s got to be the good Samaritan (I can’t use that phrase anymore without hearing it in Brad Pitt’s voice) and save this pilot.

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Black guy.

Colin:

About to F-22 you up.

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Did he lower his head to go faster? In that suit, does that really make a difference?

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Are they not seeing him do this?

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Yeah, pretty sure that thing would annihilate any mechanism that was in that chair.

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And the chute doesn’t hit him either?

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Really? You guys didn’t see any of that?

Colin:

Now that he’s saved him, everyone jerks each other off and they forget the whole thing? No more conflict? Look at the woman on the left. She looks like she won a raffle.

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“Oh my god, you crazy son of a bitch. You owe me a plane, you know that, right?”

Colin:

Just to clarify: F-22s cost $150 million a pop and aren’t made anymore, although they were at the time of filming. I’m so sad that program was cancelled. What a sweet plane that is. Anyway, we’ve got like 200 of them, so that’s cool. Oh, and Starscream was an F-22, which is also cool. Seriously, this plane is a MAJOR design staple in a number of different industries, from cars to coffee makers.

I wanna see him throw down the money for the plane like it’s nothing.

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“Yeah, well, technically he hit me, so…”

Let’s see how that insurance claim goes.

“Now you gonna come by and see what I’m working on?”

He sees it right now.

“No, no, no. The less I know, the better. What am I supposed to tell the press?”

What are you supposed to tell your other officers? You just had this conversation over a fucking headset where everyone, including the pilot, could hear you. And I’m pretty sure the conversation could be carried a bit from his end through that microphone, so I’m pretty shocked no one else heard anything Tony said.

Colin:

But Mike, the plot.

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“Training exercise. Isn’t that the usual B.S.?”

“It’s not that simple.”

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“An unfortunate training exercise involving an F-22 Raptor occurred yesterday.”

Editing.

WAIT THIS IS HOW YOU LIAISE ISN’T IT

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Nice house.

Colin:

Lots of rich, dark browns in the house of a powerful white man. Brown liquors and leather and mahogany.

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“It is unclear who, or what, intervened.”

Colin:

Why is Rhodes also the one to report on the crash and what’s going on in Golmira? Is he just the only person in the military who does anything in this universe?

I’m sure that wouldn’t be suspicious at all. The military liaison to Stark Enterprises is randomly giving a statement on a military intervention that seemingly has nothing to do with Stark or anyone else.

Colin:

Of course they put the price tag (incorrect) of the plane on the screen. As soon as they hear that the pilot is okay, they make it an issue of, “Well, the plane cost the taxpayers $84 million. Even Robert Downey Jr. doesn’t make that much in a year.”

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Oh, he’s got a pretty good idea.

“But I assure you, the United States government was not involved.”

Colin:

Wait, are those the pajamas Tony bought him? Cause again, if someone bought me pajamas, I would wear them constantly.

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“Sir, the more you struggle, the more this is going to hurt.”

“Be gentle, this is my first time.”

Colin:

I don’t love that line in that voice. And how rape-y the whole thing is. This franchise is making rape jokes.

He did say be gentle. I’d imagine that wouldn’t happen during a rape.

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Subtle, Marvel. Real subtle.

What exactly is he doing with that shield, by the way?

Colin:

I thought it was an art piece or something. It’s not the actual shield.

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Colin:

Why do the robot arms know to stop?

What kind of safe word does Tony Stark have?

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“Let’s face it. This is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”

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“Are those bullet holes?”

That’s a perfect scene.

Colin:

They sure as hell ain’t dick holes.

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This looks like a meeting of carneys.

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What a shitty circus this is.

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Thing you brought enough guys?

Colin:

Black SUVs are the universally recognized transportation of powerful Americans.

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That dude is white!

Colin:

Really, though? There’s white and then there’s white.

Which one am I?

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I’ll give them credit. They waited almost 90 minutes for the villain reveal. And they really only made him questionable after 70. Of course, visually, we knew that shit from the first ten minutes, but whatever.

Colin:

This is the big reveal, eh? I feel like we didn’t need this dialogue. Just have him get out of the SUV and let us work out the rest.

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Why not just have this conversation in bed with no shirt on?

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“Compliments of Tony Stark.”

“If you killed him when you were supposed to you’d still have a face.”

I always appreciate a villain who doesn’t like incompetence, even if it’s someone who’s on their side. The best example of this is Ralph Fiennes in In Bruges. Telling the guy how it’s his fault Colin Farrell was able to take his gun from him and shoot him in the eye with the blank and blind him.

Colin:

What an awesome movie that is. And be glad this is the Middle East and not Vietnam.

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Colin:

There’s no way Jeff Bridges is STAYING here, right? I can’t even imagine him staying within 100 miles of here. Not like there are hotels. Maybe AraBnB.

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Ten Rings flag.

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“So this is how he did it.”

How did they do it? No way they got all those pieces back together?

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And he’s like, “Check this shit, homie. This ain’t even its final form.”

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Colin:

See? Listen to this exposition. This is when all the one-liners and clever quips get cast aside and we start catering to the dumber audience members. I’m thinking about the way they did this in The Dark Knight, with the Joker showing up to the mob meeting and trying to convince them to hire him. That was a performance. That was more than just a plot-mover.

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Boop!

Colin:

Two fingers cause she nasty. And why the candles?

Gotta set the mood.

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Yeah… finger the suit.

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Now it’s time for a deal. Bridges gets the designs… and what does he get?

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He wants to takes Stark’s face… off.

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No? He wants “iron soldiers”? That’s lame.

Get a better plan.

Colin:

Why would you ever make world-beating weapons for someone else, especially someone like him? That’s just asking to get shot. Remember Eli Wallach, having the guy build the custom gun for him and then robbing the guy with it? That, but with giant metal death suits.

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Did nobody notice the glowing blue earplugs before?

Colin:

They only glow when the thing is on. Which is still weird. They just wanted it as a visual cue so you knew it was something sonic. But I don’t see why you can’t accomplish that with having him take out the earplugs.

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Colin:

Sucks to be you, bro. That’s SUPER bad for you.

So how does that vein thing work? I feel like that causes embolisms.

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Only lasts for fifteen minutes. The question is why he’s doing it in the first place. He could have said yes and then not did it.

Colin:

Jeff Bridges made a date-rape machine.

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“Pack that shit up. I’ll be in my trailer.”

Colin:

It’s kinda true that technology is their Achilles’ heel in that part of the world. Then again, it hasn’t stopped them from doing a number on the Soviets and on the US in war. I feel like a big part of the Marvel appeal is that it presents us with a universe in which American technological superiority knows no limits and our only enemies are those with special powers. How can non-magical terrorists cause us problems when we have hovering aircraft carriers?

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“All right, let’s finish up here.”

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So why’d he leave the other dude alive? As a courtesy? That makes no sense at all. Just fucking kill them all.

Colin:

That’s what ‘finish up’ means? Wow. Why wouldn’t you also kill this guy, too? You killed all his soldiers and he can link you to terrorism and assassination plots. Why wouldn’t you slit his throat or something after paralyzing him?

The idea was that he was gonna work for the Mandarin, but honestly, we don’t know that, and leaving him alive serves no purpose except to potentially have him come back later.

And boy, did that plan sure work out, huh?

Iron Man - 1320

So he’s gonna build his own suit underneath the arc reactor… which is a better image than it is in words. Just saying. And then he’s wants to “recruit our top engineers.” Which is funny, since… Stark. And also, who is he talking to? Whoever it is knows what his plan is and what’s going on. Does no one have loyalty to Stark at his own company?

Colin:

He’s going to want a prototype right away…this shit takes years. It’s so typically comic book that crazy technological feats are nothing. I’m sure someone’s written about this. How weird it is that they make these crazy breakthroughs all the time, yet we still have characters dying of potentially curable diseases and bleeding out in surgery or whatever.

Iron Man - 1321

How many scenes in this movie begin with her walking in on whatever he’s doing?

Iron Man - 1322

“Hey, you busy? Mind if I send you on an errand?”

Iron Man - 1323

Iron Man - 1324

“I need you to go to my office, and hack into the mainframe and you’re gonna retrieve all the shipping manifests.”

Which, you know… just like getting a quart of milk.

Iron Man - 1325

The beautiful thing about him is that he can just hand her the magic flash drive that’ll get her in, and you believe it.

And then he says some shit about ghost drives.

Iron Man - 1326

He’s gonna find the weapons they’re double dealing, and destroy them.

Colin:

That’s what he’s looking for? All the other weapons? Seems kinda okay. I don’t know why she’s so worried, cause that suit clearly works.

Iron Man - 1327

“Tony, you know I’d help you with anything, but I cannot help you if you’re gonna start all of this again.”

What?

And also… what?

Iron Man - 1328

“There is nothing except this.”

Colin:

Remember when your boss went insane and launched all the missiles? I’m expecting him to start talking about his precious vital fluids.

She already had them on her hand.

Iron Man - 1329

“There is no art opening, there is no benefit, there is nothing to sign.”

Iron Man - 1330

“There is the next mission. And nothing else.”

Wow… you got shitty. What happened to the fun Tony Stark?

Iron Man - 1331

“Is that so? Well then I quit.”

Iron Man - 1332

“You stood by my side all these years while I reaped the benefits of destruction. And now that I’m trying to protect the people that I put in harm’s way, you’re gonna walk out?”

Colin:

Hypocrite! That’s always effective from someone like him because he’s honest about how awful he is.

Plus I thought she hated job hunting.

Iron Man - 1333

“You’re gonna kill yourself, Tony. I’m not gonna be a part of it.”

Colin:

He’s not gonna kill himself! I don’t get why people don’t argue some stuff in movies. He should have stopped her right there, and been like, “I’m gonna be just fine. They could shoot a mortar round at my dick, and it’s only gonna tickle.”

Iron Man - 1334

“I shouldn’t be alive. Unless it was for a reason.”

Yeah… they had that dude save you so they could ransom you for a shitload of money and you could build weapons for them. That’s why you’re alive.

“I’m not crazy, Pepper. I just finally know what I have to do. And I know in my heart that it’s right.”

Colin:

He knows in his HEART? Nothing wets panties like knowing in your heart.

Iron Man - 1335

Is that a nitrous tank? Is it for blowing up balloons? What do you need that for?

Iron Man - 1336

“You’re all I have too, you know.”

Colin:

All they have is each other. And about 10 cars, a clifftop mansion and a few billion dollars.

Iron Man - 1337

Iron Man - 1338

Not suspicious at all.

Weird how this has a lot of Dark Knight parallels. This reeks of the Morgan Freeman “I’ll do it, but once it’s over, I’m gone” scene.

Iron Man - 1339

Colin:

Way to walk casually. I’ve gotten away with so much just by walking like I belong there. That’s not something you can teach. It’s straight up arrogance, and it gets you places.

Iron Man - 1340

Iron Man - 1341

Nice office, though.

Colin:

I need an enormous, empty office. With that glass that blacks out when you want it to.

Iron Man - 1342

I want rear projection in my office too.

Iron Man - 1343

Colin:

That’s kinda weird. There’s a picture of a B-24 Liberator (to this day, the most-produced American military aircraft ever) on the wall, as though that was made by Stark Industries and not by Consolidated. Actually, those were the days when we were building so many planes they had to commandeer other kinds of factories and set them making planes. Half of those planes were made by Ford.

Iron Man - 1344

Dude, you got a Dell?

Colin:

HAH. And some weird non-operating system.

Iron Man - 1345

Oh, good. This’ll be fun. The laughing stock of all of these movies. The ‘figuring out the password’ scene.

Iron Man - 1346

Oh, but wait… deus ex flash drive.

Iron Man - 1347

Good job.

Iron Man - 1348

Iron Man - 1349

Iron Man - 1350

Iron Man - 1351

Okay. But still… security breach came up for like, five seconds. Someone noticed that in IT.

Colin:

I don’t get what these fictional operating systems are all the time. Movies have no problems showing a Mac or whatever, but there’s always some weird OS that looks like nothing I’ve ever seen. Linux, maybe?

Iron Man - 1352

Iron Man - 1353

REALLY?!

Iron Man - 1354

Iron Man - 1355

Also, all of these folders have the exact same files on them. I’ve seen the same shipping manifests like four times already.

Colin:

And the other thing I’ve complained about before, how characters in movies open a folder and like hundreds of files open at the same moment. That’s not a thing. Nor is it reasonable for you to understand what you’re seeing as this stream of images and documents fly out at lighting speed.

I’d love to see someone do this for real. Just open it up, drag a file to a flash drive, have it be done in like, twelve seconds, and that’s it.

Iron Man - 1356

Iron Man - 1357

Fat Iron Man.

Colin:

Apparently there’s a Hulk-Buster Iron Man suit in the new Avengers movie. Like, a suit he wears over the regular suit that makes him the size of Hulk. And they fight. I think it’s funny that he took the time to make this chode of an Iron Man.

Iron Man - 1358

Iron Man - 1359

“What are you up to, Obadiah?”

I hope he’s up to what George Clooney was up to in Burn After Reading.

Colin:

“I talk to myself while looking at files!”

Iron Man - 1360

Iron Man - 1361

A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Colin:

That’s also not a thing – simultaneous translation of a video. In an accent. Without disjointed words. I work in translation, and that shit is impossible.

Iron Man - 1362

“You did not tell us the target you told us to kill was the great Tony Stark.”

Even terrorists acknowledge his greatness.

Iron Man - 1363

Why? The cops?

Iron Man - 1364

Iron Man - 1365

Iron Man - 1366

“So, what are we gonna do about this?”

I’ll take “Leading Questions When You Find Out Your Girl Is Pregnant” for $600, Alex.

Colin:

What a great line. “So….what are we gonna do about this?” Cause you think he’s talking about killing her, and we’ve all been there when someone shocks you and you’re caught red-handed.

More than red-handed with her.

Iron Man - 1367

Iron Man - 1368

Iron Man - 1369

Way to not look suspicious.

Iron Man - 1370

Day drinking. Rich people jobs must be great.

Also, that face. That’s the face you make when someone is smiling as creepily as her for like, no reason.

Colin:

Nice little smile before pouring the booze. I love that booze during business hours is still on the table. That gives me hope.

Iron Man - 1371

“Tony, he always gets the good stuff, doesn’t he?”

Colin:

There’s nothing like a great actor smelling something. I’m 99 percent sure we’ve had at least one instance of that in each franchise we’ve covered so far. My favorite is still Hugo Weaving and the head sweat.

Hugo Weaving and the Head Sweat should be a band. Wouldn’t that be a great name for backing musicians?

Colin:

Also, looking at women while sipping brown liquor. A staple of good performances.

Iron Man - 1372

Say something. Jesus. You have an Academy Award, for christ’s sake.

Colin:

This scene is so enjoyable for me. It might be my favorite scene in the whole movie because of how uncomfortable it is. Her not saying anything makes it for me, too, because she’s actually too uncomfortable to say anything.

Iron Man - 1373

Iron Man - 1374

That’s a thing too, apparently.

Iron Man - 1375

Yup. That easy.

Iron Man - 1376

Always a menacing shot.

Iron Man - 1377

“I was so happy when we got him home. It as like we got him back from the dead. Now I realize, Tony never really did come home, did he?”

No, he did. He definitely came home. Remember? Picture time!

Iron Man - 1378

“He’s a complicated person.”

You are awful.

Iron Man - 1379

Way to drink scotch like an asshole, Jeff Bridges.

Iron Man - 1380

“You are a very rare woman. Tony doesn’t know how lucky he is.”

This is a weird ass conversation. What exactly is going on?

He knows she’s up to some shit, right? Is she even allowed to be there, with Tony locked out?

Colin:

“You…are a very rare woman.” As in, she’ll fetch a good price? We’ve moved on to white slavery? Is there anything this scene DOESN’T have? (Mike is gonna tell us what this scene doesn’t have.)

For starters? Head sweat.

Iron Man - 1381

Yoink!

Colin:

Women aren’t good at hiding how creeped out they are. Fortunately, creepy men are also either bad at detecting it, or simply don’t care.

Iron Man - 1382

Also pretty sure that screensaver would be interrupted by the “disk not ejected properly” error.

Iron Man - 1383

“Is that today’s paper?”

Iron Man - 1384

Iron Man - 1385

Iron Man - 1386

“Puzzle.”

Sure. Because you need a whole paper for that.

Also, who reads a paper anymore?

Also, it’s a fucking company. Send someone out for a fucking paper.

Colin:

I miss doing the crossword.

Iron Man - 1387

“Take care.”

Colin:

He just keeps looking! Bald guys!

Iron Man - 1388

Holy shit, that was ridiculous. Doesn’t say a word to him, turns and looks as she walks away, and…

Iron Man - 1389

FUCKING REALLY?!!

Iron Man - 1390

That wouldn’t still be up.

Movies really don’t know how to use computers.

Iron Man - 1391

What the fuck did you think she was doing?

Also, putting anything on a flash drive wouldn’t have that there.

Also, it’s your fucking building. You can have her arrested like, immediately.

And why did you wait? What did you gain by not catching her in the act? I don’t understand. We know you’re evil.

Iron Man - 1392

Iron Man - 1393

“Did you forget about our appointment?”

“Nope, right now.”

See, two appointments. Unless it’s 7pm right now?

Iron Man - 1394

“We’re gonna have it right now. Walk with me.”

Colin:

I hope I’ll be able to recognize it when I’m enlisted as an anti-rape escort.

Iron Man - 1395

Colin:

HOLY FUCK I love that he’s just watching her leave.

Iron Man - 1396

YES! Best line in the movie coming up.

I’m sorry, second best line.

After “Yeah it is.”

Iron Man - 1397

There’s been a hiccup.

“To power the suit… sir… the technology actually doesn’t exist.”

Iron Man - 1398

“The technology? Here’s the technology. I’m simply asking you to make it smaller.”

“But sir, it’s impossible.”

Colin:

This guy’s looking to get done like Ned Pepper.

Iron Man - 1399

“TONY STARK WAS ABLE TO BUILD THIS IN A CAVE! WITH A BUNCH OF SCRAPS!”

Lines don’t get much better than that.

“Well I’m sorry. I’m not Tony Stark.”

Colin:

No, you’re a basic bitch.

Iron Man - 1400

Colin:

Announcement: I’m home and I’ve started drinking just in time for the end of the second act! I was gonna call that the best part to start drinking at, but the beginning is the best part to start drinking at. And then you keep drinking. I swear, of all the times Mike and I went to the film series on our campus in college, my favorite is still probably when we went to Roman Holiday with some friends. I’m pretty sure we both snuck some booze in, but I know that I brought and finished an entire bottle of sake, which is not dissimilar to wine in terms of potency. I was sloshed, watching Audrey gallivanting around Rome. What a great night that was. Of course, I had seen the movie multiple times already – wouldn’t want to be that drunk for the first time I saw that awesomeness.

Roman Holiday was a fun one.

I also remember getting drunk during Borat, Back to the Future, Scott Pilgrim… actually, a lot of movies, now that I think about it. Transformers. Holy shit, did I get blasted during Transformers. Revenge of the Fallen? My god. We drank so much there we actually left early, so we could start the party before it was too late. We left just after the robot balls.

Iron Man - 1401

Colin:

She really should have called earlier.

Iron Man - 1402

Iron Man - 1403

Foiled by his own invention.

Colin:

Zapped yo dumb ass.

Iron Man - 1404

Iron Man - 1405

Colin:

I can think of one use for short term paralysis.

Fixing the cable?

Iron Man - 1406

Downey’s looked like that before. Mostly in the late 90s.

Iron Man - 1407

“When I… ordered the hit on you…”

Iron Man - 1408

Don’t look so shocked. You’re paralyzed.

Colin:

See, this would have been better without like 80 reveals leading up to it, right? You’d be just as shocked as Tony is, and you could even shoot it from his perspective as Jeff Bridges walks back and forth, in and out of his line of sight. That would be fucking diabolical.

Iron Man - 1409

CANTED ANGLE!

“I worried that I was killing the golden goose. But you see, it was just fate that you survived that.”

Why were you killing him, exactly? Is this ever explained? He just wanted him dead, apparently.

Iron Man - 1410

Colin:

How weird is it that he has this device that appears to be specially made just for ripping an arc reactor out of someone’s chest?

Iron Man - 1411

Iron Man - 1412

“You had one last golden egg to give.”

Colin:

His face with that glow…

Iron Man - 1413

Iron Man - 1414

“Did you really think that just because you have an idea, it belongs to you?”

Iron Man - 1415

“Your father, he helped give us the atomic bomb. Now what kind of world would it be today if he was as selfish as you?”

Colin:

I love that he’s still being a mentor during all of this, trying to explain the way the world works as he basically kills him. That’s the coldest part of this, that he’s still kind of an evil father figure through all of it.

Iron Man - 1416

You’re paralyzed. You shouldn’t be reacting.

Colin:

This really is its own form of rape, in a way. He’s killing Tony, stealing his device and is going to go do evil with it, and Tony has to sit there all mickey-slipped.

Iron Man - 1417

“It’s beautiful. This is your Ninth Symphony.”

No, it’s his arc react… oh, right, metaphors.

Iron Man - 1418

Gotta respect a dude who sits down next to the person he just put into cardiac arrest.

“This is your legacy.”

Colin:

Wait, so is Stane going to use this to make weapons for the US that keep us on top of things? Cause I’m wondering how that’s really any different from what ends up happening with Tony being Iron Man and the US basically running S.H.I.E.L.D. and stuff. Are we not on top after this movie? Is the only different here that Obediah is doing it in an ‘evil’ way?

Isn’t this what Dick Cheney does?

Iron Man - 1419

“I wish you could see my prototype. It’s not as conservative as yours.”

Iron Man - 1420

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Iron Man - 1421

“Too bad you had to involve Pepper in this. I would have preferred that she lived.”

Colin:

Oh, you got his girl wrapped up in this shit! IS THERE GONNA BE A BOX WHAT’S IN IT

Iron Man - 1422

Iron Man - 1423

Iron Man - 1424

Pepper tells Rhodey.

Colin:

“What do you mean, ‘What do you mean he paid to have Tony killed?’”

Iron Man - 1425

And apparently she’s just with SHIELD.

Iron Man - 1426

Colin:

First – she’s in an Audi, cause product placement. Second – he’s in a Dodge (THIS IS A DODGE!) cause America. Even though I think I’m a Ford F-150 guy. Or if we’re being manly men, an F-350 King Ranch Power Stroke Diesel. Yeah, I know about trucks too. And I’ve always thought “Power Stroke” sounds like something that winds you up in the hospital or a special masturbation technique or both.

Iron Man - 1427

You should probably be dead.

Colin:

Drunk in the elevator. We’ve all been there. Guy almost threw up on me in an elevator once, which was the second scariest elevator experience I could imagine, the first being the guy getting smushed in Mission: Impossible.

Iron Man - 1428

Iron Man - 1429

Colin:

I hear heart beats, which is Smeagol choking Deagol. Coincidentally, also possibly something that winds you up in the hospital or a special masturbation technique.

Iron Man - 1430

Iron Man - 1431

Iron Man - 1432

Iron Man - 1433

The Untouchables - 69

Iron Man - 1434

So I don’t get why he’s in cardiac arrest right now? Doesn’t this prevent the shrapnel from moving? Why is he dependent on it now?

Iron Man - 1435

Iron Man - 1436

Iron Man - 1437

Iron Man - 1438

I’ve been this drunk before.

I’ve been this drunk alone before.

Colin might remember this. It was a random Friday in like, February, and nothing was going on. No one was doing anything at all. Both in our circles of friends and on campus. It might have even been a Saturday. And I decided I wanted to drink. But, on nights like that, where there are no parties, and the only drinking on campus is like four people in a house watching movies, there really wasn’t any upside to drinking, aside from the drinking itself. But I was determined.

So I just started drinking, figuring this would magically make people show up. But it didn’t. Colin was the only one who was like, “I have work until like, 11:30. I can come by afterward.” Because booze. So I just started drinking until then to kill time, as you do.

And I remember constantly walking around my hall, looking for people to corral into drinking with me. (This would be a lot easier the year after this than the year it was.)

This was definitely second semester. Because Siena was already abroad, and I’m sure all the athletes on the hall had meets and shit or whatever, and that’s where they were. And some people were probably away visiting people. I remember no one being around that night. Which was weird. Even if they weren’t going out, people were around, with doors open and shit, and you could find them. This night, it was deserted.

Anyway, I did fid Hamilton on the hall, in his room, playing some computer game. As he was constantly doing. I’m pretty sure you could always find him doing that at 2 am on any given night. And I kept going in there to talk to him. Probably annoying the shit out of him, the drunker I got. But he kept talking to me and not minding. I think it amused him that I kept coming in. And after a while (because I started at like, 9:15, and didn’t know what ‘pacing’ was), I was pretty fucked up.

I don’t remember if Colin ever made it over to drink. I think it ended up being, I was really drunk and was just gonna pass out, and he had a bunch of shit to do and figured it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to start drinking that late. (Which I understand. That semester was fucking brutal. Right? Wasn’t that the two jobs and six classes semester?) I feel like you almost did, but at that point, I was like, “Any more and this will turn bad. Let me cut my losses and pass out and wake up fine tomorrow.”

But by the end, I’m sitting against my wooden dresser/drawer/shelf combo thing they had, on the floor, my drink up on top. Almost exactly like Tony is right now in that shot. And I’m just reaching over my head to grab my cup (it was a holographic Pinocchio cup, too. This one), take a drink, and put it back. Which is what this shot reminded me of. For some reason, when I’m drunk (and most times, really), I like leaning against walls and sturdy surfaces, and I also like being in confined spaces. (And apparently also peeing on buildings and cop cars. But those are stories for another day.)

I was also drinking B+s, by the way. Which is whiskey (in college it was usually Canadian Club. Because what’s classier than Canadian whiskey out of a $17 plastic 1.5L handle? But that night, it was Jim Beam. Which, if Colin didn’t know where this story was going, he does now) and Arnold Palmer. I called it B+ because that ended up being the grade I got in most classes. Which is funny because, if you ask anyone who knew me, they probably couldn’t remember any times where I was actually doing solid work. I don’t remember why that became a thing, but it did, and now this blog is named after it. Pretty much everything comes back to booze. Booze is my Rome. Because is this not why we are here?

The highlight of that night was Colin texting me from his room at like, 12:30. Asking me essentially if I was still alive, since it was established that there was a half a bottle of the Beam left when I began drinking. And, completely non sequitur, in the middle of the conversation, I texted, “Jim Beam, we hardly knew ye.” And Colin immediately knew what that meant. And nothing more needed to be said.

That was fun.

Anyway, cardiac arrest…

Iron Man - 1439

Iron Man - 1440

Iron Man - 1441

Iron Man - 1442

Iron Man - 1443

That robot has better characterization than Gwyneth Paltrow.

Colin:

The dumbass robot saved his life after he tried to make it to the shit that made me want to fire his secretary. I swear, this is why our grandparents don’t understand this generation of movies.

Iron Man - 1444

“Good boy.”

Iron Man - 1445

What if that broke it?

Iron Man - 1446

Iron Man - 1447

Iron Man - 1448

Colin:

Can we agree that only bald people can wear pinky rings?

Iron Man - 1449

He likes to finger robot holes a lot.

Iron Man - 1450

Iron Man - 1451

What exactly is he planning on doing with that?

Iron Man - 1452

Iron Man - 1453

Colin:

“Tony!” I hear that in Adam Reed’s voice.

Iron Man - 1454

Colin:

He just put the thing back in his chest and passed out? I guess, yeah. I pass out after…name a thing.

Iron Man - 1455

Iron Man - 1456

“Where’s Pepper?”

“She’s fine. She’s with five agents. They’re about to arrest Obadiah.”

How do you know how many agents she’s with?

“That’s not gonna be enough.”

That’s a pretty big assumption. You’re assuming his shit works.

Anyway, that’s the end of Part IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and the battle no one’s been waiting for.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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