Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Incredible Hulk (2008), Part I — “Hulk Trying Real Hard to Be the Shepherd”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Incredible Hulk.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the first part of The Incredible Hulk.

Ah, the Marvel movie everyone including Marvel pretends doesn’t exist.

Colin:

I’m starting this with some wine I got at the convenience store. Cause…it’s not Iron Man. I know what I’m doing.

But at least it’s not this, right?

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m Ang Lee.”

Colin:

Is there like one frame of Wonder Woman giving the Penguin a handjob during the Marvel logo sequence? I know they’re both DC characters. That’s the point.

Just in case you didn’t get what the core of this character is about.

Colin:

Ah, for shit’s sake. We start with DNA and blood streams and stuff. What’s with all the movies that do this with the titles? It’s not quite as stereotypical as the Spider-Man, Matrix: Reloaded stuff, but still.

Imagine a Danny Elfman score over this.

Did we skip the origin story entirely? I don’t remember a thing about this movie. Is that what’s happening right now?

Colin:

Which one is this, again? That’s how many of these Hulk movies they’ve made. I honestly don’t remember which this is or if I’ve seen it or not.

Colin:

Oh, right. This was the Ed Norton one. Okay, I did see this one. I guess it’s cause they replaced him for Ruffalo so quickly that I thought this was randomly made in the middle. The nice thing about this is that Norton didn’t think it was gonna be a franchise thing, or at least decided that he wasn’t going to do it, cause fuck that, right?

Even if Marvel had already decided to franchise it, I appreciate that they didn’t have the foresight to lock him into a contract or something. In that way, this movie, in the moment it was made, gives me hope for the Marvel universe that would never be. But of course it was. Is. Shit.

Norton did think this was gonna be a franchise thing. They didn’t want him back because he wanted more creative control (ie, wanted to make it better). Norton can rub people the wrong way because he does get deep into his movies, and often rewrites them and will fight for his vision. It can go both ways on whether that’s good or not. But anyway, what happened was, they were unhappy with it, and he wanted to do things a certain way, so they basically let him go. It wasn’t like Terrence Howard, who pretty much just wanted more money, and Marvel is notorious for signing people to shit money deals for a long time. That might have been a little part of it, but mostly they just wanted someone new, since Ruffalo was their second choice all along.

Also, fun fact — Joaquin Phoenix, after his self-imposed exile, almost became Hulk for Avengers. That was the one part he was up for before he ended up with The Master.

He actually also was gonna be Doctor Strange for about three weeks. And then they booted him off (though they claimed it was scheduling conflicts), because they just couldn’t work together. He also wanted to try to make the movie good, and Marvel wants all their control to make it mainstream. And now we have this universe.

Colin:

Ahaha oh man, Liv Tyler. Have you guys seen The Strangers? That’s the movie I love her for. Not Empire Records, not Lord of the Rings. If you haven’t seen it, go do that as soon as possible and drink for it (cause obviously). That’s the movie my friends and I went to in downtown Hartford, CT, where we were the only white people in the theater. And Liv Tyler is in the house as strangers in masks run around her house terrorizing her – typical slasher stuff. She’s in a pantry closet with slats and she’s holding this knife as one of the bad guys approaches the door, and all of a sudden, the guy behind me yells, “Liv Tyler, that is a paring knife! You ain’t killing him with that!” And that will never leave me as long as I live.

Yes, it was an instance of a black person yelling at the screen at a movie theater, but the stereotype was somehow overridden by the simultaneous outlandishness and simple truth of the statement. You’re not killing someone with a paring knife, Liv Tyler.

You’re Not Killing Someone with a Paring Knife, Liv Tyler

That’s an awesome shot.

By the way, these barely happen on screen. I just like taking shots like this.

Colin:

Green is either Matrix or poison to me. There are no alternatives.

Seriously, though — this all takes less than two minutes of screen time.

That floor just got… Tyled.

Is this movie secretly about domestic violence? I’d really love a Hulk movie that’s about domestic violence.

Colin:

Wow, that may be a record on domestic violence in a franchise. Less than 90 seconds in and he’s already decked Liv. I still think I liked the beginning of At World’s End better, though, when Beckett’s just hanging all the peasants. Hang the peasants from the neck so my company can sell tea.

Colin:

Put up your bloody hand to stop the SUV-sized mass of green anger. Why can’t people just go out like thugs anymore?

This brings me back to prom night.

Colin:

What’s with bloody hands? They never look right. Remember Voight in Mission: Impossible? Looked like strawberry syrup on his palms.

I want to see the Hulk sitting in a hospital waiting room as his wife has twins.

Does she still wear her vajeen around her neck?

Colin:

Who’s the asshole and why’s he trying to cockblock at the hospital?

His mustache is formidable.

This looks like a Jackass bit. Why the hell does William Hurt look like he’s coming out of an old folks’ home?

Colin:

Oh wow, he does look like Knoxville in the old man makeup. What if there was a cameo of Spike Jonze with his old lady titties hanging out?

Have you guys seen Moneyball?

So what I’m gathering from this – he got angry, beat his wife, and her father got mad and he ran away.

The Incredible Hulk: An avenging father chases down the abusive ex-boyfriend of his daughter and will stop at nothing to see him brought to justice.

So there was an incident at the university, and then there’s gonna be another incident later in the movie. And people don’t tie the two together, given the giant green beast involved in both of them?

Colin:

I hate it when movies do this. So many crime and superhero movies feature the newspaper clippings and classified documents, and there’s always a bunch of pins and string. What is this pin there for? It’s not even pinned at a place that makes sense. These things scream of trying too hard to create an atmosphere.

It’s always these kinds of franchises. Spider-Man must have done it at least three times.

These are really shitty credits. They’re assuming we know about the series already. Or saw the Ang Lee movie.

Colin:

Something about rape in the Amazon. So obviously we can trust this guy.

What else is there to do in the Amazon?

How was there saliva in a hair sample? Also, that means a fifth of his blood is gamma?

What’s the legal limit on that before it’s a DWH?

Colin:

I feel like this whole thing is such a comic book movie thing. Like flashing between disjointed images at high speed and cutting to newspaper clippings and classified reports and stuff is the sort of thing you’d get in individual frames of comic book. I was never into comics. In fact, the only comic I ever had was Star Wars Tales 3, which I got in April, 2000. Not a bad one. I still remember the stories, 15 years later. One of the stories is how Lando won Cloud City in a card game.

Have they made a Star Wars game that’s open world like GTA? That would be fun as shit.

Sorry, Star Wars Tales reminded me of Liberty City Stories.

Map travel has gotten shitty.

Colin:

What’s with the cigar-chomping generals?

Dicks, mostly.

Holy shit. What a great thing to call someone. “Green Sasquatch.”

Apparently this counts as world building.

Colin:

Stark? They have all of his tech? Why did the military in Iron Man look so much more military and this one looks like weird covert ops?

They had him sit down and shoot this. This was a morning for him. Doing that.

Colin:

See what I mean? They can’t just let it be a solid background, it has to have lines that are connecting shit in some pattern we don’t understand because that looks more hi-tech or whatever.

All of this sounds infinitely more interesting than what I’m about to see.

Colin:

I saw the name Nick Fury. They’re really trying to universe this already, aren’t they? Imagine what they’d have had with Norton. But still, I appreciate that he’s out of it. I mean, think of what his career would be if he hadn’t. He’d be doing Hulk 3 instead of Birdman. And holy shit, see Birdman. What a movie.

Apparently this is also a Marvel character. And apparently he’s the guy that’s banging Betty later in the movie.

Oh, this is all callbacks to comics characters.

Yeah, I don’t care.

Colin:

I’ve never connected stuff by pins and string. Cause I’m not a fucking psycho.

They think he’s in the Middle East?

Colin:

ED NORTON used Metronome! ED NORTON used Meditate! Dude, that increases your attack by one stage. Isn’t that exactly what we’re trying to AVOID?

Nice. He’s a nuclear power plant.

Guess you can say it’s been a… Banner few months for him.

Ah… Shanghai.

Colin:

He’s in a favela, which…I’m either going Fast Five or Call of Duty here.

It goes right up the side of the mountain, which is actually impressive. The favelas are like a much, much shittier Minas Tirith.

He’s got an upstairs portion of his apartment?

Yes, own a dog. Great thing to have when you turn into a green sasquatch.

Colin:

He’s living with a dog. No live-in companions when you got that gamma dick.

Colin:

Do they make shittier books than that?

Why do they always turn on the TV when a goal is scored? Ever notice that? Always.

Colin:

And it’s soccer. So that’s like, once in 80 minutes or something.

The Courtship of Eddie’s Father. Starring Bill Bixby. Which would be like remaking The Rockford Files and showing Maverick on the screen.

He’s sitting down and watching Sesame Street. This is how Death to Smoochy essentially started as well.

Could go either way at this point.

Colin:

Grover in Portuguese sounds like a drunk person. Correction: I am a drunk person. Watching this.

Manipulative.

So he’s learning Portuguese by watching Sesame Street?

Colin:

Ed Norton needs Portuguese like he needs a hole in the head.

Gorgeous colors.

Colin:

These people paint their communities bright colors, but they’re poor.

This is boring as shit so far.

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

“Show me.”

Is basically what this scene is.

“You think those are gamma rays you’re breathing now?”

A HA HA HA HA.

Is this a gym or is this a mental asylum you’re squatting in? Look at those fucking walls.

Colin:

People who do weird fitness stuff and suck in their stomachs in weird ways should be kept to themselves. I’m so sick of all these people trying to talk to me about whatever insanity diet or whatever Navy SEAL training regimen they’re doing. Why can’t America have more people between the categories of granite statue and human marshmallow? I fucking hate this trainer guy. Brazil health nut. Your stomach isn’t supposed to do that.

What the fuck am I watching?

Why does he look like Steven Seagal?

Slappa da Hulk.

Colin:

Slap the Hulk. Yeah, do that. I wish I had a job that involved slapping more people. So I could stop doing it as a hobby.

So I don’t get how Hulk automatically destroys shit when Banner gets angry. He could be a cool drinking buddy. Sure, don’t piss him off or anything, but I don’t see how he’s nothing but blind rage all the time.

Also, you think Hulk has hate-fucked some hookers? I bet he has. I bet there are chicks who just wish they could get a piece of that.

Is this a soccer game, or a How Green Was My Valley kind of deal?

(The questions you only ask in Brazil.)

This looks like where they shot Deer Hunter.

Brazil: Just like high school.

In shitty movies.

Really? That’s gonna send you over the edge? Loosen up, man.

Colin:

He works at a factory? In Brazil? You realize that just because you’re a danger to others doesn’t mean you need to make your life as shitty as possible. How about using that big brain on Brett of yours to make some quick dough and move to a home in the middle of nowhere? If he’s moved away from the States cause he’s a danger to others and needs to find an antidote, he should have moved somewhere other than the favelas of Brazil, which have population density higher than anywhere in the US.

“Just because you’re a danger to others doesn’t mean you have to make your life as shitty as possible.”

Ah, a bottling plant.

Colin:

What’s in the bottles? Is that Hulk cum? Do they slap him and have him beat off in a vat?

Yo hello. Goddamn, son. Stop the movie right now. I want to see just you for the next 90 minutes.

Colin:

SUP BRAZILIAN BETTY

You do not work here.

YEAH RIGHT.

This is the most boring character stuff I’ve seen in a big budget movie in a long time.

Colin:

Oh, this is the part where he has to fix some shit for the incompetent factory owner. There’s always something that sets them apart from the others and shows us and those around them that they’re actually better.

The owner tells him he’s too smart for day labor. He wants to put him on payroll.

Wait, day labor? What is this, On the Waterfront? You mean these guys aren’t union?

The dialogue in this scene is pointless. He doesn’t want responsibility, essentially.

AIDS slow mo.

This guy is not pleased to have to do this.

That’s not very hygienic.

Colin:

This factory owner is actually floored that his employee stopped the line for 20 seconds to remove blood from the product. Remind me never to buy stuff from anywhere.

And somehow you missed that one?

Colin:

Blood in the soda shouldn’t be an issue. Is that not already an ingredient?

Honestly, the amount of chemicals that go into soda should probably kill whatever’s in that blood anyway.

This is what spraying diarrhea looks like.

Colin:

Oh, if that goes unnoticed, this whole place should be firebombed

Who the fuck would buy something that looked like that?

Colin:

This soda looks like a Kotex commercial! Nobody’s drinking that. Unless they thought it was the magic Wonka ticket for this shitty Brazilian bottling plant. I’d love to see that plant owner doing the Gene Wilder shtick.

“Come with me / and you’ll see / why you shouldn’t buy from us Brazilians / Selling drinks / laced with blood / by the millions…”

Everlasting Heartstoppers and Fizzy Grifting Drinks.

You know what’s fucked up? That’s a real thing in Brazil. That brand.

Naturally.

This was written on autopilot.

Colin:

Of course it’s going to the USA. Everything goes to America. The rest of the world is just one big factory for us.

That’s a lot of bottles all around this place. They must be able to bottle thousands of these per day. Soda is once of those insane industries that costs next to nothing to produce, yet they can mark it up to insane prices because people will buy it. Pepsi and Coke have so much money, they can buy all the time slots for Super Bowl ads and not even notice the dent.

Colin:

A hah hah. Sorry, can you just get raped? I’m excitable, so I’d rather not fight.

Great job. You just allowed a rape to happen.

Colin:

I want him to just trash this plant and her as well. Actually, if he’d left her and had to deal with having done that, I’d be more interested in this story.

Does this guy harass her all the time? Seems that way. Because I don’t get why she’s so upset that Banner walked away. The implication is that she’s into him and he’s been avoiding her. You know what I mean? It’s that TV thing of, this seems to be the norm around here. This can’t be the first time you’ve been harassed.

Really? Didn’t you have your moment of, “I should do something” before you walked away? Why come back?

This movie is terrible.

Yes, stop a rape by asking her to get lunch.

Good thing there isn’t a pinball machine in this place.

This guy looks like he’d be typecast as the Grima Wormtongue character in Brazilian movies.

Weird how he’s annoyed that he won’t let him harass the woman.

That earring isn’t helping.

Maybe it would have been funnier… if your movie was better.

Colin:

This is also true. I either get irritable or go to sleep. Nothing gets done.

Colin:

Do they actually go to lunch now? Does she sit there in silence, trying to find the appropriate response to being abandoned and then rescued?

So the boss showing up is what stopped this rape? He’d have seen it at some point, wouldn’t he?

I don’t like it when the writing doesn’t think of things like this.

We call that Lucas writing.

Oh, final shot on him. He’s an enemy. He’s the one that’s gonna point the army in the right direction when they show up in ten minutes.

Too many aerial shots. I’ll allow it because it’s Brazil and looks cool, but still… too many.

High pants are a terrible thing to waist.

“You got the stuff?”

Colin:

You are too skinny.

I think that’s supposed to be the point.

“Yeah man, I got them tree stars.”

Colin:

Got that weed, y’all! This is some green we can all enjoy.

“Let’s hug so it looks like I respect indigenous peoples.”

Generic moment to get us into the shot.

It’s the little things like this that make a terrible movie.

You’re not seeing a director with something to prove, or a studio who really has a story to tell. You’re watching motions be gone through.

Compare this to Raiders of the Lost Ark. That was a story Spielberg told. He was hungry, and he really crafted that movie. This movie is an idea.

Colin:

Why is everyone so cool with him, too? He came here from America to do shitty work, which should be suspect. He’s a murderer or something. And you ain’t no Rick Blaine, neither. He doesn’t have some sweet pad that allows him to be cool while also having the mysterious backstory. He came here and does this crappy job.

Even The Quiet Man. John Wayne was a murderer in that movie. He went to Ireland because he KILLED SOMEBODY. And then had to deal with dowries and shit.

You think Brazilian Betty has a dowry? Or is she DTF?

Colin:

The Rock is gonna be running through here in about a year.

Three sheets to the wind.

“You see that? My ticket outta here.”

You fucking dog.

He should have an Alec Baldwin conversation with this dog.

Colin knows what I’m talking about.

So let’s just throw the ticket outta here on the table where anything can happen to it.

Have you seen Snatch, motherfucker? Don’t just wave something in front of a dog’s face and then just leave it laying around.

Colin:

I would rather be watching that right now.

What kind of weird dildo contraption is that?

That would be a funny looking silenced pistol.

It looks like the dinosaur that killed Wayne Knight.

Colin:

There are so many things in the world (including every umbrella) that I can only describe as looking like the dino-saw that killed Wayne Knight.

You’ve been jerking off to that for however many years it’s been?

Colin:

Set up the dish so he can jack it.

That looks like a pamphlet photo for an online university.

Why aren’t you fucking that fine Brazilian woman?

Colin:

If they had done this right, they’d have started him in Brazil for like 40 minutes, and he’d be with the Brazilian chick, and Liv would be trying to find him and help him get well. And at first, he’d be like, “Fuck it, I’m just gonna do the Brazilian life with my new chick,” but then she’d be caught up in the crossfire and he’d end up with Liv after all. You know, the My Darling Clementine version of The Hulk where Banner is Doc Holliday and Brazilian chick is Chihuahua and gamma poisoning is the tuberculosis? And since it’s Marvel, instead of her dying, she’d be in a coma and you’d forget about her or something, but then she’s back for Hulk 2: The Hulkening.

If I had to make a list of 100 shots I hate the most in movies, this one would be on that list. The ‘fingers typing on a computer’ shot.

Pretty sure we know how it works.

In fact, let’s just put almost anything involving computers on that list. Hollywood still hasn’t figured that one out yet.

Is he Mr. Green? Is this Reservoir Clue? Did Colonel Mustard discuss why ‘Like a Virgin’ is about big dicks in the billiard room?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if Clue actually ended the way Reservoir Dogs did?

Well you just fucking called him. I imagine he’s there.

Ugh. I hate when my jokes are right. Because I’m making fun of what would either be the worst possible version, or the version that’s so ridiculous it’s funny.

I hope Mr. Blue is Fisher Stevens.

I hope everyone is Fisher Stevens.

1999 – “Where Is My Mind?”

2008 – “I’ve found it.”

Colin:

Nobody says “At long last” unless it’s Black Dynamite eulogizing Bull Horn.

Have they been chatting for months about this? “Find the flower?” “Nope.” “So… wanna cyber?”

Of course he had to look at it, because we couldn’t infer from the text what a “flower” was.

Colin:

See what happens when your filmmaking is bad? I don’t think it’s at all coincidental that most of the older movies that I love now are the ones I had trouble following entirely when I was a kid.

I’d love it so much more if this was about producing your own heroin.

I’m terrified that this guy knows enough science to tell you how to produce some sort of antidotal drug from a rare flower species, yet also uses emoticons.

Colin:

“Pump that shit in your veins until you smell disco. Good luck :)”

You think those are the same scissors he uses to trim his ball hair?

Colin:

He’s desperate, which is why he thinks this could possibly work. I mean, we don’t know. This is some hardcore shit. It’s made from plant shit.

I’d give this movie four stars if this ended with him pulling a sheet of cookies out of the oven.

These are the “I’m doing science” shots.

Not quite as interesting as “I’m doing fucking science.” But conviction.

Is he making homemade Ecto-Cooler? Because I’d move to South America for eight years and search for rare flowers if I could make that happen.

Colin:

WHY IS EVERYTHING GREEN

A bike wheel and a 45.

Colin:

“OH SHIT HERE WE GOOO Y’ALL”

It’s a fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

Editing: Makes you look like you know what the fuck you’re doing.

Colin:

How does he know how to make this into a serum? How do people know how to formulate serums? Is that what you learn in pharmacology school? How to take 0.005% of an active ingredient, cut it with pancake mix and Hi-C and make something the FDA will approve?

He’s doing science, everybody.

Science.

Loads of science happening here.

Now get a catheter, a needle, and a spoon. And I’ll forgive everything I’ve said about this movie so far.

The Passion of the Hulk.

So much AIDS in franchises.

Does no one pay attention to what he’s doing? Can he not hear his neighbors banging all the time? What else do these people have going on? And what day is this? Is he not due back at the plant?

Colin:

From what I understand of Brazil, the sound of your neighbors banging is usually covered up by the sound of everyone else banging.

Weird to see someone with scientist glasses and stubble.

What kind of blood sample is that? That looks like what your knee looks like when you crash your bike on the pavement and you let it scab up for a few days.

Colin:

Oh man, you should have seen me after I got hit by a car during high school. Most of the skin on one side of my body was gone. I was scab boy.

I hate science in movies.

Colin:

Why is his blood red if the red blood cells are all green? And why, then, does it not turn greener when it goes all nuts? I dunno about science stuff. I took AP Bio from 2004 – 2005. That’s 10 years ago. I’m OLD.

Next year, I’ll have been out of high school for ten years.

Colin:

Fuck high school.

Did he just get rid of algae in his blood?

If this works, is it gonna be called the Norton Anti-Virus?

Colin:

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the first of a shit ton of anti-virus jokes to be made in this franchise.

Also notice how he’s barely said a fucking word so far. How are we supposed to root for him if we know nothing about him and are just told, “Oh yeah, he’s the Hulk. You should know everything that comes with that”?

So… that’s how it works? His blood cells get bigger and greener when they Hulk out? What would that have done to him if he injected it directly? Not the Hulk part, the first part. Can you radically change your cell structure instantaneously and not have any side effects whatsoever? I feel like that would be if the earth suddenly stopped spinning for a nanosecond. We’d all be dead.

Colin:

It’s kinda sad that Despicable Me 2 sort of did hulking out better than The Incredible Hulk.

This should turn into the Blob.

Look at that armpit hair.

(This is what happens when I don’t buy your bullshit emotions.)

And that flower is probably extinct now too.

Which reminds me – what kind of business does that other guy run? Does he have a guy who has a guy who steals flowers in the middle of the Amazon?

Was this flower found next to a Crystal Skull? We’re in the same vicinity, aren’t we?

Colin:

“did you try everclear lol”

All of it. He used all of it.

Also, dude, you’ve got a Dell.

What? That’s creepy.

Why is it only time to meet now?

“What? All that random shit I had you do failed? Okay, come to me.” You already called him your ‘mysterious friend’. That means he doesn’t want to meet.

Colin:

“IRL? A/S/L?”

What does this Blue dude think the deal is? He must know about his mutation and what he’s going through, otherwise how could he suggest shit? And if he knows that, he already knows enough to fuck his life up. So why is it so unsafe to meet? You think he can’t trace you as it is? You’re in a fucking favela. I doubt there’s a lot of SAT phone action going on in the neighborhood.

THERE’s the pamphlet Liv Tyler should be on.

That’s almost two lines to a haiku.

Colin:

This dude types quickly. How do they know to be online at the same time? Is this like AIM, where you used to come home after school and just be online? I used to look forward to that shit so much. Getting home and typing for hours upon hours. You can trace the speed of my typing to my middle school social insecurities.

I actually do type crazy fast. I’ve never realized it. But I’ve been called out on it by quite a few people over the past year.

Weren’t you trying to help him before? That’s bullshit reasoning.

The same sentence is written twice on that paper.

Also… flower didn’t work, so might as well just jack it.

YES! DRUGS!

I’m sure that’ll pass through customs.

What are they gonna think that is?

That favela has a Kinkos?

Colin:

Really, Brazil? You can just send a vial of blood to the States? No questions asked?

What’s that pose?

Quien es mas macho?

Really? Wouldn’t have guessed where that pentagonal shaped building could have been.

Colin:

What’s that pentagonal building? Nobody tells me anything.

Sounds like a rap name. T.Ross. (Pronounced Tross.)

Boss Tross.

Oh, but there’s some possible gamma sickness somewhere.

Colin:

Stan Lee! He likes that Brazilian poison. No old white man is drinking green soda from Brazil.

He has the most boring looking refrigerator ever.

Milk, baking soda, tomatoes, cheese, eggs, orange juice, peanut butter, for some reason, in the fridge, jams and sour creams and what not.

Ah, there’s the vegetables.

And randomly soda. From South America. Naturally. The All-American fridge… and South American cola. Makes perfect sense.

Also, did he just go, “No… don’t want the cottage cheese… don’t want the bell peppers… no… olives are out… ah! That’s what I’m in the mood for! Green shit!”? I know it’s probably dementia, but how do you have to look around your fridge to decide between blatantly different things?

Why are you looking at it like that? Do you not notice the BLOOD that’s floating around in there?

Also, for those keeping score: green shit kills you. Blue shit consoles you after your mother dies.

Look at how generic that fridge is! My god. And why are there spices in there too? You’re in fucking Milwaukee! It’s not gonna go bad on the counter.

Colin:

Steak sauce. Another thing I will never understand.

Colin:

THAT fast? Also, what happened to the period stain floating in it?

Keyser Soda?

Also, I hope his grandkids found him after this.

“Where was it bottled?”

Look at that dog statue.

“Get our agency looking for a white man at that bottling plant.”

Well that’s…

You know what? It’s not worth it.

(But what if it were all white men at that plant?)

Colin:

They got all the details VERY correct and made some pretty sweeping assumptions that all happened to be right. Cause the plot!

And now to the Dick Fort.

Colin:

Ew, Florida. If you’re from Florida, I’m sorry, but c’mon.

I’m not sorry.

Amazing how much of this movie is filled with “Brazil shots,” “Science shots,” “Military shots.” You realize this shit can be covered in one, right? You know only Bay can make the military porn look good because we understand it’s beyond ridiculous when he does it, right?

Wow, you got down there fast, Tross.

And you got a black guy with you.

For a second, I thought he had Seal face going on.

Oh, but also this line. The “On such short notice, I could only get you these guys. But they’re all quality.” It’s the fucking army. They should all be quality. Otherwise that defeats the purpose of the ARMY.

Generic douchebag white boys.

“And one ace.”

AKA, “We’re gonna get a close up and some brief exposition on him to differentiate him from the other nameless guys who are only there to get killed and speak in generic military phrases and also set him up as the villain.”

Colin:

I hate movies sometimes.

Sometimes it’s just too easy.

Well that’s Tim Roth.

And trust me, readers, when I think, “Hip, cool, Marvel villain,” oh yeah, I think Tim Roth.

Because this is 1995, right?

Colin:

So a Russian-born, UK-raised guy. This is just to get Tim Roth on board, by the way. None of this makes sense. Nothing about this works. The military isn’t like Hollywood. You don’t call in favors from people to get someone working for you like this. And very rarely would that person be foreign, anyway.

The only reason I’m remotely interested in this scene is because it takes place at the magic hour.

Pornos should be made during the magic hour.

“I know you cashed in some chips for this, Joe.”

Really? Why? Aren’t they ranked? Can’t they say, “Hey, I need a couple guys for this operation,” and nobody says shit? I’m pretty sure at this point the army has a bunch of classified ops teams and the ability to cover up just about anything they do.

“Just making good.”

What kind of debt did he have?

I’m more interested in this debt than anything else going on. Because all the explanation of why this shit is happening happened in brief flashes during boring credits.

This should be the one hour point of the movie. You guys realize this, right?

Colin:

You don’t call in favors to get this guy! You make an order!

Colin:

A C-130 taking off into a thunderstorm. Because almost anything’s better than Florida.

“Is he a fighter?”

“Your target is a fugitive from the U.S. government.”

Colin:

Why is Tim Roth in on this? Is that how people think this works? We get some foreign dude to visit on a soldier-exchange program, and we get him to go on a mission and kill people for us. That doesn’t break oaths or raise complex diplomatic questions at all. Let’s just get a guy with a cool accent and have him shoot people for us.

The funny thing about this is that he’s supposed to be way too old for the army anyway, and that’s his reasoning for taking the gamma juice.

And yet it’s not developed at ALL.

He also got a bunch of people killed.

Amazing how much colorful lighting can make scenes look more interesting.

Shit is going to hit the fan.

Amazing how every scene begins the same way. This is some Lucas shit, with the wipes, almost.

Because what else can you do in Brazil?

Wait, what? You had to set that whole thing up. And you just leave it out like that?

Colin:

I hate that poor people have technology that works. My shit never works and I’ve always got the newest thing. You have some shitty old laptop attached to a folding satellite dish in your room in the middle of a favela, and you have instant service with top-notch encryption.

Colin:

Norton types slowly so we can read it, and then he has to linger on it so we can…read it some more. Three words that take us 15 seconds.

Riveting.

Always a but.

“Oh, come on.”

Colin:

There is no data. Only Zuul.

Liv Tyler’s vajeen.

Is this not home?

Yeah, I’m sure the military will be able to find him no problem.

Colin:

The favelas are a pretty cool location, even if they don’t make sense. I love densely populated areas for movie sets. In the Mood for Love, as a location? Man oh man. I just wasn’t into the ending in Cambodia.

Does no one else live here?

Colin:

Nice sneaking in your obviously not shitty vehicle.

How big is his cigar stock?

What’s with the glare on that picture? So we can’t see the camera? That’s twice now it made me think it was daylight outside.

Colin:

His dog can sense danger, but it can’t get him a beer like Mark Wahlberg’s dog in Shooter.

Colin:

The rape tendril will find you.

Colin:

This is the part of the movie when a camera rapes a dog in the throat.

Ever use that sticky shit teachers use to put up test papers and pretend it’s C4? Or was I just too cool of a child?

Colin:

Breeching a room doesn’t look as fun as it is in CoD, where all the bad guys are in midair and in slow motion. Or when you bust through the wall in the gulag.

What is that playing the part of his head?

This dog has no clue what’s going on right now.

Was no one covering the rest of the apartment?

Colin:

Naturally, he’s gone. I bet he uses this rope to check out the Brazilian chicks all the time. Carnival, baby.

Well hello.

Colin:

I hope they screw while Tim Roth goes somewhere else. I’m so done with this movie already.

Weird that they live in the same building and work in the same bottling plant.

I know this might seem racist, but — is there enough running water for regular showers in this place?

Did you guys not recon this place?

They tranqued the dog.

I hope they banged.

YEAH, BOY!

Should have done that months ago, but fair enough.

Colin:

He kissed her and said thank you. Which feels sorta like Connery using the maid’s key to get into Goldfinger’s room.

So upset that we’ll never see her again.

Maybe look for the dude trying not to be seen.

Colin:

This is gonna get him spotted cause he’s being ‘spicious. He needs to put on a mask to look like a gang member and blaze up a spliff or grab some booze and start laughing with the locals. Tradecraft, people.

Titties on the corner!

Colin:

Mm. Mm.

REALLY?!

Colin:

Told you he was getting spotted like that. You need a clown costume like Jaws had. There are so many reasons for someone to be covered up here. Why would you need to show your face in such a shifty place?

Why are there people walking around all of a sudden?

Of course someone is playing music.

Sure. That seemed like the easiest place to run through.

Colin:

You didn’t need to mess up their soccer game. Didn’t someone in Brazil get beheaded over a soccer game? Actually, it turns out a few were. Say what you want about [American] football, but to my knowledge, nobody’s been beheaded over it.

The closest I think we have is this Aaron Hernandez thing.

Colin:

Soccer has that rare honor of being boring AND associated with barbarism. Apparently, a fight broke out at an amateur soccer game and a ref fatally stabbed a player. Then the player’s family tortured and beheaded the ref. Not cool, bro. The rest of the world needs to cool it with sports and learn how to tailgate peacefully.

I also want sites like DeadSpin to go out of business for bringing us headlines like, “A Decapitated Ref, And What It Doesn’t Say About Brazilian Soccer.” I want someone to have been fired for that.

Colin:

You’d think that Brazilians would help out in this situation. Like, trip Tim Roth. Remember how the Arabs all helped out Indiana Jones and cheered when the Nazis lost his trail? Why can’t you help a brother out in his shiftiness? They should know these guys aren’t gang members.

Why didn’t you just stay with the chick for a while?

Colin:

That’s the last thing they’d expect. Cause then you’re not a fugitive. You just another guy who’s doin’ the dirt with some chick.

Running through poor people places.

Colin:

This shot is in every movie with a foot chase. The pursuer stops and goes for the shot and the guy is already around the corner. There’s always a pause as the pursuer looks at nothing and then goes in another direction. This is what I was expecting at the end of Bourne Ultimatum with the roof jump. But it happened in the Bourne movies a few times.

Oh no, my hat!

There’s a shot.

Facial expressions.

That probably hurt.

You can tell that shit was rubber.

That too.

Colin:

This really feels like that level in CoD where you fall into the house and have to make your way to the extraction by running like a crazy person and timing your jumps as people come to rape you with carbines.

Colin:

Is this a post-Bourne thing? Maybe it’s just the close quarters, but the camera is all over the place during this scene. I can just hear my father complaining about how fast it is and how he’s going to have a stroke or something.

They were shooting this the summer Bourne came out. 100% a post-Bourne thing.

This movie came out four months before Quantum. And that was definitely a post-Bourne thing.

Colin:

I feel like we’re gonna single out lots of favela shots because what the hell else is there in this movie?

When did a scientist become able to outrun military personnel?

Blood pressure rising.

Colin:

Is it a heart rate thing? Like, when this thing hits 188, we’re gonna see some serious shit?

But he won’t go Hulk now. No, we have to save it.

Colin:

We had the obvious scene about anger control and breathing so we can watch it here, like 15 minutes later and know what he’s doing. Rather than just having him do it and us understanding what he’s up to without any problem.

Lotta cokes in this bar.

But it’s actually not horrible, since we know Norton is on the other side of that thing.

Mexican Cokes are the shit, though. I hadn’t drank soda since freshman year of college, and then I was introduced to those things.

Also, it’s 20 minutes into this movie. Has Edward Norton spoken more than ten words?

In English?

Colin:

It got dark really fast, as it does in movies. Wouldn’t it be nice if for once a movie did things correctly and didn’t just make it dark over the course of like 30 seconds?

Colin:

He’s peeking out of the shadows like he’s thinking about exposing himself to a group of underage girls.

Nah, usually that’s more like…

I mean…

Yes.

Fucking REALLY?!

Colin:

And he bumps into the only other guy we know in this city of millions, who happens to be the nemesis-rapist who wants a fight. Fuck you, Marvel. This is worse than Harry Potter movies with their universe of like 12 people who you’re always bumping into.

Colin:

I realize that I only know William Hurt from like…Syriana. And The Good Shepherd. And Lost in Space. What a ridiculous movie that was. Let’s just make Gary Oldman a space terrorist in EVERY movie. Wait. Started as a joke, but…

Oh, William Hurt is a fucking BOSS.

A History of Violence is a pretty good movie, but when he shows up at the end, he fucking steals that shit. Got nominated for that, too. Out of nowhere. Lost to Clooney in Syriana, but was so good in that movie. That might be where I first really paid attention to who he was.

But you go back to his early performances — The Big Chill, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Children of a Lesser God… even Altered States and Body Heat. Broadcast News… goddamn, man. That guy was on fire in the 80s.

Looks like she got a booty.

Lamp.

What shitty wall art.

That looks like an Asian with Down syndrome in the back.

Isn’t this the most densely populated country in the western hemisphere? Why the fuck are they running into each other on the street?

Colin:

For whatever reason, these fighting moves are way more believable with Norton than they would be with Ruffalo.

I 100% agree with you. But for some reason people like to suck the Avengers dick and say Ruffalo was a better Hulk. But he didn’t have to carry a movie as one. I think Norton was underrated as a Hulk, and if they let him make the movie better, story-wise, and do more of what he wanted to do, we’d remember that.

Look at Butterbean on the right.

Colin:

He turns onto the only street in the favelas that happens to be spacious and empty, so I think it’s safe to assume that he’s about to transform. Marvel is predictable. I’m willing to bet money I’m right on this.

Nice, go into the abandoned building.

That’s what’s keeping that door closed? Okay.

Wait, he’s at work? Man, your workplace looks shitty.

Is there a certain number he hits that triggers a change? Because they’re showing us this monitor like there is.

Colin:

Is the threshold something stupid like 200? Gamma poisoning only likes round numbers.

Wow, that conveniently stopped beeping at the right time.

Nobody wants to get killed at work.

Colin:

Oh, it’s the bottling plant. Are those uncapped soda bottles sitting on the line? Don’t tell me they get to 5pm and hit the off button as the soda in all these bottles goes flat. Get it together, Brazil.

Colin:

I forget, what was in the bag? Do we care what’s in the bag? Is he not green yet? He’d be a great mascot for this flat soda.

Why did he run in here, exactly? So the factory owner can get the insurance money?

Colin:

Y’all are surrounded, but this time the rape gets reversed.

What do the army guys think is happening right now?

Colin:

Bad guys never buy this stuff cause I bet you everyone they jump tries to pull something similar. “I undergo a transformation when you threaten me! You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry! I have a very particular…set of skills? Go go gadget help?”

Colin:

Fuck you. It was 200. Fuck you.

It’s almost as if he’s enjoying what he’s about to do.

This is Hulk movie 101. Nothing interesting about this at all so far.

Colin:

This guy is greasy. Like, Jermaine Jackson greasy.

He’ll be fine.

Colin:

That Brazilian was just fenestrated and defenestrated in one go. Not what fenestrated actually means, but I needed an antonym.

Conveniently placed darkness.

Same shot as Iron Man.

Colin:

Shoe?

Momma said these were my…

Colin:

You got a fucking dart in your neck.

Those seem unnaturally big.

Colin:

Tim Roth doesn’t have the deets.

Colin:

I just remembered that I know next to nothing about the Hulk. Does he have a weakness? Something weird, like avocado or the Home Shopping Network?

Hulk love his soaps.

Hulk can’t get enough of Sabado Gigante.

What can we even say about this part? You can’t see shit.

Colin:

I sort of like the way this is being done as a horror film. You can’t see him, and dudes are flying around and getting hit by stuff. Of course, that praise is really all relative, because I could put this against the Nolan Batman movies and it would fail in comparison.

This place is one big fire hazard. No way it isn’t burned to the ground during this.

Oh good, just what we needed.

Colin:

Yayyy soda fight

Flashbang!

Love the color distortion.

Cool almost shot.

Yeah…

Hide between the dick pipes.

Colin:

All of this looks horrible, by the way.

Well that looked painful.

There’s really nothing to say about any of this.

This place is gonna be sticky as hell tomorrow.

Everything is green.

Colin:

Shit just got Double Dare. I don’t like being covered in anything sticky, or even having anything sticky on me. Stickiness is just gross.

Shit Just Got Double Dare.

Nice shot.

Why are we avoiding showing him. We know what he is.

25 minutes. Still nothing out of Norton.

Also, what the fuck is happening? I mean, I get it. He’s in Brazil, and they’re after him, and there’s a big action sequence. But you guys realize you’ve completely skipped over the whole, “Why he turns into the raging green monster” part. Pretty crucial for something like this. I know you probably wanted to do something different, going the way Spider-Man didn’t go, and just assuming people know the story, but it’s not like you replaced it with anything worthwhile.

Colin: