Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – The Incredible Hulk (2008), Part III — “Outcroppings Are Pretty Much the Go-To for Fugitive Monsters”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Incredible Hulk.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of The Incredible Hulk.

We begin Part III with a weird ass scene.

Does she have a daughter?

Then why the fuck are we seeing this?

Colin:

Why…why did we get this 10 second scene between the two of them leaving? I’m genuinely curious. He says it’s probably safe and then we cut to later on. What the fuck is this?

That’s keeping a low profile.

Stand five feet apart. Look around. Okay, cool, now we can stand together.

Colin:

Why does this feel like a lead-up to action? There’s been too much downtime now. This is the quiet moment before shit goes wrong, is it not? Otherwise, they wouldn’t be in this wide-open place after just having said how it feels safe to go.

“Is everything okay?”

“I think so.”

Colin:

And, yeah. This is brilliant writing. Could we not write this?

Why wasn’t this your first establishing shot of the college?

They’re walking in complete synchronization and it’s weird.

Why are all of the cars back there jeeps or SUVs?

What the fuck are we watching?

Colin:

Seriously, now that I’m looking at it…there’s a case to be made that this is WAY at the bottom of the Marvel list. This is horrible. Norton isn’t bad, but this movie is TERRIBLE. 

Wow, you guys are subtle.

Why is this campus deserted? Even during Spring Break, there’s more going on than this.

Oh man, that little boxy silver car in the back. That’s an east coast car. I don’t see those out here.

Jesus, way to be dicks.

“Damn it, we could have had snipers on target in three minutes, I wanna know who jumped the gun.”

Which is a line that basically says, “This doesn’t make sense logically, so fuck it, we’ll throw that in there.”

Colin:

Someone always jumps the gun. Who finds out who it was, and what happens to that person?

I don’t know, but the way people jump the gun in this sequence is amazing.

Isn’t losing your temper your friend in this scenario?

Do campuses have this much random space? Why isn’t there a sports field here?

“Blonsky not yet!”

Colin:

Here’s Tim Roth, looking normal and small.

They’re hitting everything in sight.

Colin:

He runs super-fast now? Do we care? Are we now supposed to give him back to the British government? Does he need constant injections of this stuff to continue?

“Look alive, this could get interesting.”

Where’s the rest of the campus? I feel like a military strike on the main lawn would be news.

Colin:

Is this not an INTERNATIONAL story? Special ops storming a suburban college campus?

Liv Tyler chases after humvees.

All you gotta do is get them by a stream and call up the elf spirits.

Colin:

Library Hulk?

Hulked on Phonics

I always thought a great thriller climax would be a silent cat and mouse chase in the stacks of a giant library.

The problem is too many people would fuck it up, or put it in a bad movie. But the setting is great.

Colin:

Oh, that would be good. The person being hunted would be at Ancient Greek history, and they’d cut to the hunter passing Ancient Egypt, and you’d get freaked out. I really like that idea. Let the Dewey decimal system build the tension. At first, you’d be like, “Oh, it’s cool cause she’s at African tribal masks and he’s at Eastern Religions. No need to worry until she’s at Magnetism and he’s at Mineralogy.”

So this is what the inside of college libraries looks like, huh?

“Goddamnit, which row is J?”

“I told you, I wanted to rent Dogzilla and Cat Kong!”

Do you have a sticky bomb in there? Because if you don’t have a sticky bomb in there, I don’t think it’ll help you.

Flash bang, maybe.

Oh, it’s Liv Tyler’s vagina files.

… are you gonna put that in your butt?

Because it looks like you’re gonna put that in your butt.

Colin:

I’m not sure that works. Maybe if he tried it from the other end, he’d hide it and spike the heart rate at the same time.

So… when you Hulk out… what happens to that?

Nobody should look that good when they run.

Should have put it in your butt.

Hulk like things in his butt.

Did no one find him until now? How is that possible?

Yeah, do that. That’ll work.

Colin:

Bitch, you don’t Tiananmen! That’s a Stryker – I think – and you don’t just run in front of one those while it’s moving unless you want to mess with 8-wheel drive on your weak-ass neck.

Her father must be… Liv-id right now.

“I know you’re in there.”

Colin:

She shouldn’t “know” he’s in there. This is one vehicle. That’s dumb.

Actually, she might know. Think about it — special ops on a campus, this is the one tank circling the perimeter. Chances are the most important person is staying away from the battle. It’s not that crazy, even though it is terrible writing.

Colin:

It is terrible writing. There’s no reason for them to be circling the perimeter, and there’s no way she would know it was him. She just assumes, based on not knowing anything or having spoken to him in like five years.

They should stop for a second and then go forward. It won’t kill her. It’s a big tank. She’ll get hit, then it’ll keep going, and she’ll feel like an asshole.

A bruised asshole.

Which is what she’ll be getting if Banner gets too anxious during sex.

“General, please.”

How about Dad? Dad typically works in these situations.

Also, you look like Jennifer Garner right now, and that makes me not like you.

Colin:

Amazing how much traction I get out of that line with random women.

“What do we do, sir? I don’t know how human emotions work.”

“OPTIMUS!!!!”

Colin:

Cause of course it’s dad. How could anyone doubt for a second that comic books would be predictable as shit?

Weird way to have a reveal, yelling like a crazy person outside of a tank.

Oh shit. That’s the, “Don’t make me pull the car over… oh fuck, I just had to pull the car over, now someone’s getting hurt” face.

And capitalize that H while you’re at it, too.

Why the fuck did you follow him out there if you’re gonna have that face, guy in the back?

People in glass houses should definitely Hulk out.

Nice (ish) shot.

Colin:

I’m just pissed they fucked up the clouds and the green grass by throwing these two dicks in the way.

“Do not engage!”

Because…?

Is this not engaging?

There had to be somewhere else to run than this thing.

Well, there’s only one place left to go now.

Colin:

There should be something to hold him in. Don’t they know what or who he is? There’s the thing in Avengers that’s meant to hold him.

Yeah, and based on the trajectory those things had, do you really think they were gonna not fly immediately out the other side of the glass?

Wow, they’re doing all they can to obscure the Hulking.

Yes, because god forbid we ruin the $4 shirt we bought at a tickle hut in Brazil.

Colin:

I cherish the things I bought at Brazilian tickle huts.

Why does this make your heart pressure rise? Shouldn’t it make you pass out or something?

Holy shit, look at her face.

That’s exactly what she did to those ringwraiths.

Colin:

This is what I’m talking about, flunkies who go assault his daughter so he doesn’t have to.

My shitting pose.

So a biology professor at the university just got tackled by soldiers on the front lawn. Is no one videotaping this? Is no one outraged? This must not be a liberal arts school.

Colin:

It’s a lot more like a state school. Maybe Rolling Stone will do a piece about how someone witnessed the US military fighting Spiderman on the campus. Readers who follow journalism are cracking the hell up. The rest of you…eh, this movie is terrible.

He just got buttraped.

Colin:

Yeah, we’re 50 minutes in. That warrants another bout of greenness. He has to be green like 4 times in this movie, right? So it’s about time number 2 happened.

Technically it’s four times. One of them is when he is and then isn’t.

Still can’t believe no one is on this campus.

It’s always the canister guys.

Colin:

You think you’re big dick McGee with the grenade launcher?

That guy just got fucked up.

So that other guy just had his upper body ripped in half by a piece of metal… Imma keep running.

“Now she’ll see.”

So he orchestrated all of this just so his daughter would stop feeling things for her boyfriend.

These are the lengths a father will go to.

CANNONBALL!

So is he legally allowed to play for the NFL?

Colin:

Can we talk about how much this sucks as a location? There’s NO reason for this to be happening here. It’s boring and illogical. It feels insignificant, too. Like a class video project where you’re trying to shoot something epic, but everyone recognizes that you shot it in the gym, so they’re laughing. It feels like that. “Oh, you tried to make a big budget superhero movie, but that’s my dorm over there! Haha!”

This is actually The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

Colin:

Was that TWO reverse tracking shots in a row? Is this for real?

Dude, at least get a neck. I can’t take you seriously when you look like that.

It’s funny that he has a full head of hair.

A HA HA HA. She fucked him up.

Casualties? Nah, what are those?

HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THOSE GUYS.

Is this where the Cullens had their baseball game?

Colin:

After spending how many hours watching, commenting on and then compiling articles about that franchise, I still failed to recognize their name for a second, and that makes me happy.

What do you even say about this?

Where is he running to?

Colin:

I have to say, this is pretty weak compared to Iron Man squaring off against two F-22s and a tank. Like, how is this supposed to compete with that in terms of wow factor? Other than the green stuff.

“YOUUUUU!”

“Soulja Boy off in this Hulk!”

Explain to me (and saying PG-13 doesn’t count) how he doesn’t have a body count.

Colin:

He certainly does. How about the helicopter coming up?

We don’t see them die. That’s not a body count. No one dies on screen in this movie. Just because shit crashes does not automatically mean deaths. Implied deaths are way different.

Think of The Avengers. New York gets fucked up in that. You don’t see pedestrians getting merc’d left and right. You don’t see any of that.

We’ve all fucked the hood of a car before.

Campus art is the worst.

Hulk doesn’t cause nearly as much destruction as you’d like him to.

It’s about fucking time!

Colin:

And the asshole students show up to film it. Two guys on an entire college campus to witness an explosive battle taking place over a few acres of open field. Yeah. I’m sure it’s just them.

Big Dick McGee with the grenade launcher.

He’s so CG.

How are his teeth still in good shape?

Colin:

I am like, super bored. They’re trying to make this tense, but if we know as much as the first half of this movie EXPECTED us to know, we’re already sure that none of this really touches him.

Colin:

Tim Roth is still just using weapons, even though he’s faster. Why do I feel like he ends up being more Hulk-ish himself? I’d like it if he stayed this way. Also, for what it’s worth – I like Norton and Roth. Not really what they’re doing, but how they’re doing it. Good actors.

TALLY HULK!

I’m not really sure what Hulk thinks during all this. Does he want to get away, does he want to kill them? How does this work? Say he turned into the Hulk after a nightmare, what happens then? The man problem seems to be whether or not he’s in control of it, and the movies never really give us a clear answer one way or the other. Does Hulk have motivations?

I’m not saying this as a negative to the plot, I just have no idea.

Colin:

What do you think you’re accomplishing with a pistol at this point? We’re pretty clear that he eats those.

He should throw the car at him.

Super serum makes you do capoeira?

“My god, he’s doing it.”

Colin:

This is one of those where they keep the two of them in separate shots as much as possible. No problem with that. It’s restraint that Lucas couldn’t muster.

Colin:

He could go! ALL! THE! WAY!

Why are you people popping out like a bunch of joyriding teenagers in a 90s movie?

Colin:

If it weren’t for this thing called “the plot,” they’d have been here like 20 minutes ago with the rest of the party, just in case they were needed.

Colin:

Where did you get those Humvees with giant sound cannons? Marvel is so ridiculous. Shit doesn’t just get made in a day cause you ask for it.

They actually got them from Stark. That’s what the opening credits were about.

This is what Taylor Lautner looked like in the second Twilight movie.

Colin:

Hello Biceps, Goodbye Integrity.

Of course he gets caught in them. This is so by the numbers it’s crazy.

It’s so by the numbers, Colin and I don’t even care.

Colin:

Is this sound not wrecking everything behind him? Are those like the giant amps from the beginning of Back to the Future?

What happened to “Now she’ll see”? Now you look like the asshole.

Colin:

I love how the soldiers are actually menacing as they pull her away from her father. Why does everything have to be so exaggerated? You’re just restraining Liv Tyler, you didn’t have to be shitty about it.

Hulk fight back. Hulk fight for pussy.

Colin:

Oh, they had to be extra dickish so he’d hear it and get angrier. So, they were unnecessarily rough with a civilian woman for plot reasons. Gotcha.

No way those pants are still on.

But we all kinda wonder what his Hulk dick would look like.

Hulk only pawn in game of life.

Well all right.

Colin:

That is one way to destroy an SUV.

The Macho Man flying elbow.

“Where’s the gunship?”

How much shit did you bring?!

Colin:

There is no WAY a Longbow Apache is flying that low over US soil with civilians around. Not to mention that it would just make it easier for the Hulk to smash it. So unsafe and illogical. Sounds like Marvel to me.

Colin:

That’s great. He doesn’t care at all that Tim Roth is shooting at him. I DON’T HULK WIT YOU!

Colin:

This scene is a failure. This plot is terrible.

“Is that it?”

A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Colin:

I will admit that I enjoyed that kick immensely. All it needed was a “DY-NO-MITE! DY-NO-MITE!”

Colin:

And he sees this and goes, “Yeah. Okay. Time to go.” That was a very measured reaction, considering what we just saw.

Oh look, the asshole’s here.

“OPTIMUS!!!!!!”

Colin:

I wanna say “OPTIMUS!” but there are explosions and soldiers and stuff so maybe this is more of a “MII—IIIKE!”

Colin:

Liv is good at being this character. Which isn’t exactly a compliment.

Wait, you told them to fire and didn’t know your daughter was out there?

Colin:

He’s looking right there, telling the gunship to fire. Why does he only now realize that she’s right there, where she was when he was giving the order? What?

EUAHHHH!

Colin:

That is one way to destroy a helicopter.

How much money did he just cost the government?

I’m not even talking about Banner, I mean Tross.

Colin:

Well, that helicopter had a flyaway cost of about $65 million around when this movie came out. The humvees had an average procurement cost of about $400,000 but I’m not sure what the Stark ones would have gone for. So Tross just wrecked up US government property that cost more than 22 Jump Street. Not sure why I picked that as a comparison.

Yeah, no, she still catches fire even in that scenario.

Colin:

She’s still incinerated. Jet fuel burns pretty damn hot.

“OPTIMUS!!!”

Moderately interesting moment. My problem with it is – what? Still… I’ll give them the okay on that.

Colin:

Is that…is it raining hot jet fuel? What is it raining?

I mean…

Colin:

…I think I wanna fuck her again?

Hulk doesn’t get cut. Hulk tears.

Colin:

Her hair is like a wick just waiting to go up, by the way.

Ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.

“You did the right thing, calling me.”

And now they’re just raiding his home of all his belongings.

Ha ha. He’s a douchebag.

“I need to know where they’re going. She’ll be in incredible danger as long as she’s with him.”

“From whom? He protected her. You almost killed her.”

Colin:

He’s fucking your daughter, and he just called you out for being a dickbag. I like this other guy.

“I give you my word her safety is my main concern at this point.”

“You know, it’s a point of professional pride with me that I can always tell when somebody is lying. And you are.”

The last sentence is unnecessary. If you say the first part, we can infer the last part.

“I don’t know where he’s going. I know she’ll help him if she can.”

“Then she’s aiding a fugitive. And I can’t help either one of them.”

You can, though. Because you’re the only one looking for them.

“I used to wonder why she never talked about you.”

Really? Pretty sure you can figure.

Colin:

You’d think that a practicing psychiatrist would know to skip the girl with such awful daddy issues. Unless he recognized them and used them against her. Which would be a better movie.

That pose.

Nice shot. For this movie.

Colin:

You look 100% less authoritative when you put on a camo hood to walk 20 feet to the car.

“Where does she meet these guys?”

In therapy?

A ha. That guy has to follow behind on foot.

Hulk don’t know bout no hypothermia.

Hulk gonna have himself a rape party.

I don’t get it. Is he still angry? How does this work? It’s important to lay out rules.

And… exposition.

Colin:

Outcroppings are pretty much the go-to for fugitive monsters.

Colin:

Aw, he has a heart, doesn’t he?

At least he’s only looking at her and not jerking off onto her face. We’re not that far from Durham.

Proper reaction. Swing.

Women…

“Fuck you, thunder!”

Colin:

Afraid of lightning? Really? And that boulder probably just crushed a puppy somewhere.

Does this place exist in Virginia?

There’s a fucking waterfall out there.

And does no one hear this?

“It’s okay.”

Is it, though?

This should end like Grizzly Man.

Bitches love handlebars.

Colin:

She’s trying to get some of that green monster.

HAIDS?

Colin:

We call it ‘going to Fenway.’

Colin:

Big and small, in the rain. Is that supposed to be a Totoro shot or something?

Are  you gonna put that in your butt?

Look at the size of that Hulk dick.

Colin:

You know what else he has like a racehorse?

“We’re okay.”

We’re sitting in an outcropping in the middle of the pouring rain, on the run from the U.S. government.

Apparently it only rains during the romantic scenes.

And that’s the END OF PART III.

Colin:

But not the end of the movie, unfortunately.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and… oh, who the fuck cares?

http://bplusmovieblog.com