Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man 2 (2010), Part III — “So Much Disregard for Glass”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man 2.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of Iron Man 2.

We begin Part III on a plane. Because if I just got attacked by a crazy Russian and ran him over with my car, I’d get my ass on a plane too.

“It’s just unbelievable. It proves the genie is out of the bottle and this man has no idea what he’s doing. He thinks of the Iron Man weapon as a toy.”

Colin:

They don’t want to give Stern a political party. There’s no way he’s not a Republican. Did you see W.? I KNOW Karl Rove is the evil Hydra mastermind. Same guy.

Colin:

This plane sucks now. What happened to the flight attendants and their respective midriffs?

I want to see the person who had to uninstall the stripper pole, and looked at it sadly before taking it out of there.

“He should be giving me a medal. That’s the truth.”

Maybe you’re both wrong.

He made her a meal.

Colin:

I used to be like that. I’m still kinda like that, honestly.

That does look like a tasty omelet.

“Did you just make that?”

“Yeah. Where do you think I’ve been for three hours?”

Colin:

His plane has a full kitchen?

That took him three hours?

You know what would have been badass? Using the suit to get takeout and bringing it back to the plane.

Not feasible at all, but it would have been badass.

“Tony.”

Why did that have the Jeff Bridges tone?

“What are you not telling me?”

That’s always good. “What are you not telling me?” And then you smile and look out the window and change the subject.

Colin:

With most people, you can just ask this out of the blue without suspecting anything and come up with SOMETHING that they’re trying to hide.

“I don’t want to go home. At all. Let’s cancel my birthday party and uhh – we’re in Europe. Let’s go to Venice.”

Colin:

Is this him wanting to see Venice before he dies?

She doesn’t think now’s a good time.

He thinks it’s the perfect time. Get away, “Recharge the batteries.”

“Not everybody runs on batteries, Tony.”

Colin:

She’s talking shit about you, Energizer Bunny.

My uncle runs on batteries.

Colin:

This is a different plane from the first movie. Smaller, faster, but not necessarily better. Cause no stripper pole.

This whole scene is suspect.

And yet, can be explained simply by: France.

Colin:

I want there to be a breakout scene with Ralph Fiennes and Harvey Keitel. But I say that about every movie.

Those potatoes look shitty.

That’s a dick move.

Oh, that’s why.

What did they tell this guy?

Because who does DNA tests in France? “Oh, this guy in this uniform is dead? Must be him!”

Dimmy why you do this to me?

Subtlety.

You don’t have to be a nuclear physicist to… never mind.

Colin:

Right in the head and ass.

So is this guy some kind of pussy or something? This should not be so one-sided. Seriously, what was that other guy told before this happened?

Why is this guard just disappearing and reappearing? Just fucking stand there and let it happen at this point.

What I’ve gleamed from this? France doesn’t have electronic locking prison cells.

Or maximum security.

Or security.

Or any competent people.

I know this is technically Monaco, but — come on. You’re telling me this guy isn’t under any kind of surveillance?

Or that surveillance isn’t a thing in this jail?

Colin:

You ain’t no Javert.

I’m curious what this was. Was this the guy who let him out? Either way, why did he stand there as he walked past, then decide, “Oh man, I should do something”? That was so weird. Stood there, then tapped him on the shoulder, and now he’s dead. And Mickey Rourke wasn’t gonna kill him until he did something? What just happened?

Colin:

The idea is that he’s dead now. But did he just kill that guard? Won’t the guard wake up and be like, “Oh, non. I saw that guy walking out of here. And then I slipped.”

I don’t think that guy’s waking up.

Colin:

He does a lot of walking away from explosions. The way he walked away from that and out of the shot was pretty clearly trying to be Heath Ledger in a nurse uniform.

Is anybody imprisoned here?

Brushing the shoulder off.

Your barbed wire looks like a slinky.

Is that BJ Novak?

This is so fucking bizarre. Where is the security in this place?

And why did they throw a fucking hood over his head?

And that’s the end of the movie!

Oh, I see. Hammer wasn’t helping him out before. He’s just helping him out now.

So this is basically a metaphor for startup businesses selling out to big corporations.

You start up a cool new app that shows up a major site for a few days, and then Google buys you for a couple hundred million and you cash out.

Colin:

Everyone remembers Eric Cartman’s four steps to success: Start Up, Cash In, Sell Out, Bro Down.

Stop staring creepily at Mickey Rourke, BJ Novak.

Colin:

Dan sprung him from jail to help make him less of a failure.

Do you need that many butlers?

What happens to that guard now? Does he go back to work? Because he’s like… missing.

Colin:

People eating in hangars is passé.

Was the hood so he wouldn’t know exactly where they were? Because, it’s a plane hangar. And if he says no, what then? Does he go back to prison? Do they kill him? Did Dan think this plan through at all?

He looks like a fucking cockatoo with that hair.

This exchanges feels like, “You know he’s a criminal, right?” “Nah, we’re fine.” “You know he’s killed people, right?” “Don’t worry about it, I’m rich.”

You know what’s cool? A billion dollars.

I know that look. “Salmon? What the fuck is this?”

Colin:

The toothpick is still there.

He eats the dessert first.

Colin:

He has a regular plane. LAME.

This is me at fancy restaurants. “What the fuck are you hovering for?”

Colin:

Thank you, Mickey Rourke, for not speaking during any of this. Just let the asshole sink in.

He’s impressed that he stood up to Tony. And he wants to help him.

He suggests he go after Tony’s legacy. “That’s what you kill.”

“You and me, we’re a lot alike in a lot of ways.”

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

The only difference between the two of them is resources. Vanko needs Hammer’s resources. He wants to be his Abel Magwitch.

Colin:

Do you think our expectations for this team should be great?

Have you guys read Macbeth?

He speaks Russian.

“Okay. Do you speak English? Because I could get a translator.”

“Very good, man.”

Nice. Play dumb for the idiot.

“I want my bird.”

He says he can get him ten birds.

But he wants his bird.

Colin:

He has a bird cause that’s not weird at all.

“Is this a bird back in Russia?”

Nah, you can find one on the corner. Just, take ’em home, and wear ’em out.

I forget how much I like her tits.

Not to sound crass, but… I do.

“Where is he?”

Colin:

Don Cheadle is like, pretty black. At least as black as Liv Tyler is pale.

Can that be the subtitle? Don Cheadle Is Pretty Black.

“He doesn’t want to be disturbed.”

“He’s downstairs.”

Colin:

She’s doing a live event with CNN and didn’t cover the phone to talk to Don Cheadle. Hate it when that happens.

Is he liaising right now?

AWESOME.

So dad defected, but then was deported for selling secrets.

This movie has told me that France is incompetent in terms of their entire police and prison systems.

Nice. He’s physicist who went to Russian prison for 15 years. Perfect for Mickey Rourke.

Colin:

Ah, so that’s why he can fight and stuff. Time in a Russian prison will either make you dead or a badass. Also, he sold plutonium. Presumably to the Libyans. And we all know who the Libyans sold it to.

Butt stuff?

Wait, what was the question?

Why do all these people have the code to get in?

He tells him he’s gotta get on top of this. The National Guard wants to roll tanks up PCH (I’d love to see that) and take his suits.

Colin:

Drunk in a car in a basement in California.

“Are you listening to me?”

Please tell him to liaise you some more scotch.

Never drink and drive-in.

“Are you okay?”

Colin:

Again, it goes IN the reactor, so I’m not sure what the connection is with the palladium and his body.

Colin:

This is the designated “cry for help” scene.

“What are you looking at?”

“I’m looking at you. You wanna do this whole lone gunslinger act, and it’s unnecessary. You don’t have to do it alone.”

But Tony says he knows exactly what he’s doing.

This is a poorly written scene. There’s no character stuff here at all. I don’t hear a cry for help. This is going through the motions, but there’s no depth to it whatsoever.

Colin:

HAH. His facility is in Queens. What an asshole.

“You can work in absolute peace. Must be fun to be dead, huh?”

“Here they are. I’m very excited. They’re combat-ready.”

“I may have done a few miscalculations and rushed the prototype into production.”

This guy is so Dan.

“These things are great. Top of the line. I may have fucked up a bunch and they’re not ready, but they’re totally great.”

“You’ll be able to access that as soon as we generate some encrypted pass codes. Can we generate some encrypted pass codes? Get some of those encrypted pass codes, Jack.”

What are you, one of those fitness freaks?

And he hacks in no problem, naturally.

And apparently all these things have a lock right there to show you when you’re in.

“Wow. Okay. Good stuff.”

“You really blasted in past the firewall there.”

You know… this isn’t actually as awful as I remember it as being. At least there’s some complexity here. Hammer wants Stark out, so he gets this guy, but he doesn’t realize what this guy is capable of, and this guy takes over his shit and causes mayhem. Not as awful. Don’t love it, but I don’t think it’s that big a piece of shit (at the moment). But we haven’t gotten to the climax yet. So we’ll see.

Colin:

God, this guy is worthless. There’s always a puppet who thinks he’s in control and gets duped. You can see in this scene how out of his element he is. Of course, he’s not really ever IN his element. Makes you wonder how he could be so successful in a world that also has Tony Stark. It’s like Yahoo and Google.

He calls his software shit.

Because nuclear physicist — also a hacker.

Who knew?

11 inch TV, but can hack into software like nobody’s business.

“You know,those are really just for show and tell.”

$125.7 million each.

Of course.

“Wait! Oh, gosh.”

“Jesus Christ. Get somebody up here.”

“That’s where the pilot goes. I’m having a tough time finding volunteers.”

Wonder why?

Also, complete Dan line.

“What do you want them do?”

“Well, long term, I want them to put me in the Pentagon for the next 25 years. I want to make Iron Man look like an antique. I want to go to that Stark Expo, I wanna take a dump in Tony’s front yard.”

“I can do that. No problem.”

“Yeah? Hey, fabulous! I love it. Hey, this is our guy. Didn’t I tell you? I had a feeling.”

Fucking Dan.

 

Colin:

Nice shirt.

That’s not toxicity, though, right? That’s just concentration.

Oh, I see. The more concentrated it’s becoming, the more toxic.

Honestly, I don’t even care anymore.

Colin:

Nice dress.

Goddamn, look at that ass.

(That’s basically all they use her for here, anyway.)

“I should cancel the party, huh?”

“Probably.”

And she’s bringing him a drink? She’s worth every penny.

Colin:

But people like this are never for sale. I want to have that job where that person is your assistant.

I don’t like knowing that she’s not gonna bang him.

“Is that dirty enough for you?”

Colin:

IS THAT A VESPER?

She’s doing a damn fine job pretending, though.

They’re gonna fight aliens together soon.

“I gotta say, it’s hard to get a read on you. Where are you from?”

“Legal.”

Colin:

She’s from legal. Which is a country I never want to visit.

“May I ask you a question, hypothetically? A bit odd.”

“If this was your last birthday party you were ever going to have, how would you celebrate it?”

“Butt stuff.”

“I’d do whatever I wanted to do. With whoever I wanted to do it with.”

Colin:

This is the advice that sets him off and gets him to self-destruct, which SHIELD then reprimands him for. If she had said the right thing, he wouldn’t have done this stuff and reached his low.

Well, that’s the first half.

Colin:

Whatever he wants, with whoever he wants to do it with. And then she sexes her way out of that room. Goddamn.

… and there’s the second.

Colin:

Booze, bitches.

Doesn’t it suck that being a DJ now only requires a laptop?

Colin:

That wasn’t very good scratching.

The women are conveniently at the front of this party.

What did she think she was gonna get out of this party?

Who are all these people, by the way? They’re supposed to be friends, but how do you invite people to something like this? Does he even have friends anymore? This is like Bruce Wayne’s parties.

Aww… DJ AM is dead. (Actually died before the movie came out. Must have died like, right after he shot this.)

Colin:

Died from being high on EVERYTHING.

Look at her. Standing against a… stark background.

(But seriously, I like these shots. Simplicity is nice.)

(But not when Gwyneth is in them.)

Where’s Happy during this party? Parking cars?

And is that the Hamburglar in the middle of that fountain?

Because if so, I want that.

That’s a ticket.

Remember when he used to be Terrence Howard?

Colin:

Nice to see him out of uniform, anyway.

Red and green.

I’ve been there.

Nice how they used the Iron Man face to cover up the Apple logo.

We’d all be doing the exact same thing.

He plays it differently from Terrence Howard. And I’m not sure I prefer either of them.

Colin:

I think I prefer Don. But I also think the character was kinda bogus in the first movie and only did well because of the editing they did with him.

“You know, the question I get asked most often is, ‘Tony, how do you go to the bathroom in the suit?’”

“Just like that.”

Colin:

Hah. He pissed in front of everyone, which I think is the cornerstone of every good birthday party.

Is there a chapel nearby?

This is where you get up and try to sing karaoke with Huey Lewis, isn’t it? I saw that shitty movie.

How much of the 90s do you think he remembers?

Colin:

Downey? Less than Chloe Moretz.

She’s a CEO.

He wants the party to keep going.

“Trust me on this one.”

I like that she can pull that out. That’s the only way to handle this. And it’s smart. Don’t be firm, because he’ll be stubborn. Be the one who is always right.

Goddamn, look at those guests.

Colin:

The one on the left is Heather Graham mixed with Elizabeth Banks.

He’s playing this drunk a little too obvious, though.

“Give me a little smooch.”

“You just peed in the suit.”

“It has a filtration system. You could drink that water.”

“Send everybody home, okay?”

All you really need to do is tell him you just want to relax with him and everyone will be gone in ten minutes.

Colin:

Oh, wow. That’s true. Nothing stops a party like a request for sex.

And that’s why I can never go to Buckingham Palace ever again.

Also, Nothing Stops a Party Like a Request for Sex

“She’s right. The party’s over. Then again, the party was over for me like, an hour and a half ago. The afterparty starts in fifteen minutes!”

Colin:

Show’s over. After party in 15. And by R. Kelly reckoning, after that is the hotel lobby. And then you have to clear that at 4. And then you head take it to the room and freak somebody. R. Kelly reckoning can be the best reckoning.

You can’t drink that water.

“And if anybody – Pepper – doesn’t like it, there’s the door.”

Yes, let us glare at her.

There’s a good way to end a party.

His house gets fucked up a lot.

Colin:

Disregard for glass.

Or… not a way to end a party.

Colin:

That’s a shitting pose.

Was he invited to this?

Clearly the one to bang.

If you can still get it up.

Then again, looking at her… she’ll make sure you do. She’s one of those.

Colin:

Blonde chicks love it when you do stupid shit.

Seriously, who are all these people and why do they look like they came from central casting?

Why are you cheering? He’s raining broken glass down on top of all of you. Half of you probably aren’t wearing shoes.

Man, we do dumb things when we’re drunk.

What a terrible birthday party this is.

This is such a shitty way to go out.

Or you could wait for him to pass out.

Or you could wait for him to pass out.

Rave titties.

Silly woman brought a watermelon.

Or three.

“She wants the Gallagher!”

Definitely need to start saying this during sex.

Colin:

Stupid blonde chick is trying to turn this into a metal Gallagher show. Oh, Stark made that connection too.

That face.

Colin:

Mid-shot, too. That’s good.

Most people would use this opportunity to make a racist joke, but instead, I’m gonna show you something adorable:

Also, black people.

I’ve got nothing to say about this.

Damn, Jarvis, what the fuck are you doing?

Colin:

You’d think he’d have lo-jack for his suits so a random dude couldn’t walk in and try it on.

“I’m only gonna say this once – get out.”

Colin:

Black dude stole your suit. And for what it’s worth, I like the silver.

I like it against the blue light. Otherwise — meh.

“You don’t deserve to wear one of these.”

Well, he made it. So… yeah, he does.

“This motherfucker…”

“Goldstein.”

Don’t refer to the man by his Judaic name.

“Give me a fat beat to beat my buddy’s ass to.”

Another One Bites the Dust? All right.

BROKEBACK IRON MAN.

The fact that Queen is playing means they knew the homoerotic overtones to this scene.

Colin:

Mercury’s rising.

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Colin:

This whole franchise is a disregard for glass.

You should be dancing and taunting and doing Ric Flair shit right now.

Colin:

What if there was one couple who came upstairs to bang?

“Oh, thank god, you have a panic room.”

Also, who bangs inside the gym?

This is playing into his cry for help thing, but the movie does a terrible job of fleshing that out. There’s a weird relationship with exposition in this movie. This isn’t given, and yet — what is.

You guys really hate glass.

This is a cool idea.

Colin:

This is what I imagine Mickey Rourke’s parties are like.

Not bad for someone who is shit-faced.

Though the 89+% blood toxicity seems like it should be more cause for concern than it is. Considering the drinking and the suit using.

Colin:

I don’t even know what those percentages mean. Is that like, 89% of your blood is poison at this point? Because if that’s the case, your kidneys shut down a LONG time ago.

Maybe it’s just like, 89% of his total blood has traces of palladium in it, and it’s starting to fuck him up more.

It’s never explained. And it’s taken away in like, an instant. It’s a poorly developed threat, is what I’m getting at.

I like a guy who has drink coolers in every room of the house.

Especially for sex.

Now “It Takes Two”? Now you’re just going for obvious choices. This is the legacy DJ AM leaves behind?

The homosexual overtones of this scene…

I mean, look at this.

They went from a steam room into a gym and now into a bedroom. Someone was clearly trying to say something with this.

How do you have such good command of the suit for your first time? Especially an older version. That thing should normally not be a match for the upgraded suit, but since Tony’s drunk, I’ll call that a wash. But also – why the fuck are you able to even run it? Shouldn’t there be some kind of codes that only allow Tony into the suit? What the fuck is Jarvis doing right now?

Colin:

We do hear that there are failsafes and redundancies, so it doesn’t make sense to me, either. Unless he’s really trying to give him the suit but has to pretend to put up a fight cause he’s conflicted.

Colin:

Robot Rock? Original choice.

I like that people are leaving, but not really.

Also, how has nobody stolen booze from this party?

Where’d you get that dress?

Why are they both wearing brown?

Colin:

Why do they both have red hair?

Why is this movie this movie?

Oh, so you are here in some capacity.

Kneecap!

Well, that is smart. Protect the CEO. She is signing your checks.

Interesting lighting.

This is where the movie went wrong. Why are we watching this? Why are we forcing War Machine into the story?

Colin:

They had to make Rhodey more of a character this time around. Probably also because Don came on board.

They are in Malibu. I hope this ends with a Rocky III beach scene.

The only thing you can say right now is, “I am Iron Man!”

Or maybe, “I’m drunk!”

Or, “I am a golden god!”

There are actually a lot of things you can say right now.

He also seems to be one of those people with the Derek Jeter rules. All cell phones are left at the door when you enter the party. Preventing any of this from getting out.

Colin:

I had never heard of that rule, but that sounds like a great way to keep things tight.

He also gives gift baskets to the chicks he bangs and will never see again.

Derek Jeter is someone who has banged hundreds of women, and you’ve never heard anything come out about him once.

Hey look, I found a fault in the transfer. It looks like reflections and lens flares later, but this one isn’t.

Well you seem like a military man, just standing there, watching your superior officer get the shit beat out of him.

And just scream at them. Sure.

If we knew this was a cry for help, I’d have liked this scene a lot more.

I’d have also liked to see him be at rock bottom more and do stupid things. Like, stupid things where he didn’t get saved by someone trying to kill him.

We honestly didn’t need Mickey Rourke at this point in the movie. There’s a much better Iron Man movie in here that doesn’t happen.

And there’s your shot, for those wanting to prove this movie goes overboard with excess.

I seriously wonder how much of this is Favreau doing little things to get around Marvel’s tendency to meddle and take control of their movies.

There’s a lot of liquor flying around this place. This shouldn’t be so contained.

GREAT shot.

You look ridiculous.

“Put your hand down.”

“You think you got what it takes to wear that suit?”

“You don’t have to do this, Tony.”

“You wanna be a war machine, take your shot.”

Colin:

War Machine. Isn’t that the character? It’s nice how Marvel only works the names in quietly, so that non-fans don’t have to deal with them. Same with “Abomination” in Hulk. That was mentioned once in passing. And I just called him Tim Roth.

The weird thing is, we just call him War Machine after this. Just happens. Can’t tell if that’s a relief or shitty storytelling.

Or both.

“Put it down!”

“You gonna take the shot?”

Colin:

Is Jarvis not in that suit? Couldn’t Tony have Jarvis shut it down or self-destruct it or something?

Also, are they the same size? Because this seems to be like putting on someone else’s tailored suit. Not everyone can just fit in this thing.

Is that a mummified dick on the ceiling?

It could also be a statue of a Stormtrooper ready to box.

Is dead Jeff Bridges gonna reappear out of this?

Colin:

So much disregard for glass.

I hope the eyes light up and he starts singing sad karaoke.

Colin:

“Turn around… Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you never come around…”

Yeah, this is kind of what drunk looks like.

Riveting.

Remember that scene in Spider-Man, where Tobey Maguire and Willem Dafoe are talking, but none of their mouths are moving?

We haven’t come very far at all.

So he just stole one of his suits.

But I do like the lights or whatever those are in the ground.

That’s all this was – just to get Rhodey a suit. Seems overly complicated.

Colin:

How does he know how to fly that well? Tony had to practice and stuff. 

Sequels, man.

My question is — what does he do with the suit? He’s just gonna turn it over to the army? That’s it? The best is that after they turn it over, they don’t go into making more or anything like that. They just put guns on it.

The best part about passing out is that you can piss yourself all you want and hydrate from it in the morning.

These supertitles are annoying to me.

Is Rhodey doing a fly-by?

Colin:

“I want some butts!”

Really not understanding how he is just able to use that suit. That seems like really poor planning on Tony’s part, to not encrypt them or something. Even if Rhodey is cool by you, there should still be some sort of safeguards present.

Colin:

And that’s what makes me think he wants Rhodey to have the suit. Cry for help. Because there are safeguards. The problem is that if this was a cry for help, they really failed to make it clear.

Colin:

How does he have dossiers on all of them? And wasn’t it Jarvis running all that shit? Again, why is he allowed to use any of this?

He must have been reflecting like a motherfucker on the way over here.

Also, it’s Edwards. That party was more than five hours ago. Even if that all happened at 2 am (which is stretching it), the light that’s out here — this is at least 8:30 in the morning. Tony’s house to Edwards — two hours by car in moderate traffic. That suit can do it in probably about thirty minutes. What did he do in between all of this?

Colin:

Okay, a B-2 and an F-22 as servicemen look up? This is a goddamn recruiting video.

This just seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

Colin:

Good thing they’re the same height. What if it was Colonel Porkins? He’d have to put the suit on a radio flyer and sneak out with some of the free food.

What does this remind me of? Maybe Temple of Doom? Gathering around a messianic figure. Whatever. It’s that kind of image.

Colin:

The American military looks heroic and is simultaneously kinda the enemy of our hero at the moment. The only way this works is if they’re benevolent but being duped by Hammer, who is in turn being duped by Vanko. Which…yeah.

“Colonel.”

“Major.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

Riveting.

And that’s the end of the movie!

Sugar is not what you want after being drunk. But okay.

So he’s hung over as shit, and went all the way down to Inglewood from Malibu for donuts?

If he couldn’t fly, I’d call bullshit.

Colin:

I’d like to know how he got in there without breaking the donut. He doesn’t usually land very softly.

How’d he buy those donuts and sit on top of that thing without people with cell phones taking pictures of him?

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to exit the donut.”

Colin:

How does he have sunglasses AND the helmet? Did he carry those outside the suit all the way here?

“I’ll give you a thousand dollars for those sunglasses.”

Not uncommon.

Also not uncommon.

“I told you, I don’t wanna join your super secret boy band.”

“Nah, nah, I remember. You do everything yourself. How’s that working out for you?”

Colin:

They kind of are a super secret boy band. WAIT SAMUEL L JACKSON FORMS A BOY BAND YES IT COULD WORK

I look at this shot and all I see are those annoying ass blinds that we all have. How have they not developed a better technology for shades?

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot, do I look into the patch or the eye?”

Reaction shots.

“I’m sorry, I’m hungover. I don’t know if you’re real or –”

“I am very real. I’m the realest person you’re ever gonna meet. (Motherfucker.)”

You know there was a motherfucker in there. And that’s what’s great about Samuel L. Jackson.

Colin:

Show of hands, how many of you were NOT expecting the word “person” in that sentence? There’s no way I’m alone on this “motherfucker” train.

There’s No Way I’m Alone on the Motherfucker Train

“That’s not looking too good.”

Honestly, for how toxic his fucking blood is, that shit looks great.

Wow, this is like… Bay level.

Introduce her with the ass, and pay it off with the ass.

“We’ve secured the perimeter, but I don’t think we should hold it much longer.”

Why? Black people don’t respond well to perimeters? Don’t just put a line in there like that for no reason.

“You’re f— ired.”

“That’s not up to you.”

Wow, that sucks. It’s not. Though it kind of is. She’s his assistant, right? Does she become Pepper’s assistant? When did she move over? I’m confused now as to what her job title actually is.

Agent Romanov. SHIELD shadow. Tasked to him once they knew he was sick.

And not for any other reason?

“I suggest you apologize.”

He always turns it on when he’s got something over them.

He’s been pretty busy. Made his girl his CEO, giving away all his stuff, he let his friend fly away with his suit. “If I didn’t know better…”

“You don’t know better, I didn’t give it to him, he took it.”

“Whoa, whoa. He took it? You’re Iron Man and he just took it?”

Now you’re just being a dick. You know he’s hungover.

“The little brother walked in there, kicked your ass, and took your suit.”

He didn’t want to say brother there, did he?

“Is that possible?”

“Well, according to Mr. Stark’s database security guidelines, there are redundancies to prevent unauthorized usage.”

Which not only answers my question but renders that entire fight pointless.

Colin:

So he DID let him take it? There’s redundancy but he let Don Cheadle take the suit? Confirmed, then. A failed cry for help trope.

Also, what help was he asking for, exactly? Did he want to give up the suit? I’m not really sure what help he was asking for. Because the only help he needed was with what SHIELD is about to give him for like, no reason.

Your plot is flawed.

And she just leaves?

She better come back randomly with a donut or something. Otherwise you just brought her in for exposition.

“Nuh uh uh. What do you want from me. You have become a problem. A problem I have to deal with.”

Why?

Explain this shit.

“Contrary to popular belief, you are not the center of my universe.”

Yeah… you kinda are.

“I have bigger problems than you in the southwest region to deal with.”

That’s a tease for Thor. In case anyone’s interested. (I’m not.)

Colin:

I’m assuming the whole Southwest thing is supposed to be a Thor thing.

It’s a Thor subject.

“Hit him.”

Not as good as a donut.

Or a punch to the side of the head.

Colin:

Right to the jugular. That’s the way to get people. Stab them in the fucking jugular without warning.

That’s the Way to Get People. Stab Them in the Jugular Without Warning

This is my relationship with gin.

“Oh, god, you’re gonna steal my kidney and sell it?”

This is why he works as Iron Man. The ability to say shit like this in ridiculous situations.

Hey look, it removed the CGI from his face.

Instantaneously.

InstaPlot, we call it. Fills holes in a single scene.

They just gave him something to “take the edge off.”

Of his illness, but what about the hangover?

“We’re trying to get you back to work.”

Why? You don’t know what Hammer’s doing.

(Yet, you should. Isn’t SHIELD based near there?)

“Give me a couple of boxes of that, I’ll be right as rain.”

It’s not a cure, just something to help.

Though if it works that quickly and that well, who gives a shit if it’s a cure. What exactly is he infected with?

Also, he has the only cure he’ll ever need.

 

Apparently it’s not gonna be easy.

“Trust me, I know I’m good at this stuff.”

He’s been looking for replacements. Every permutation and combination of every known element.

“Well I’m here to tell you, you haven’t tried them all.”

No, you’re here to set up a universe and provide a basic exposition that could have been wildly different and still furthered the plot along in the same way.

Colin:

Well, when you put it THAT way…jeez.

Also, he has tried them all. The idea is that this element doesn’t exist yet, so he’s not wrong in that he has tried everything known.

Ah, this is where they give him a fake bird pretending to be his.

Colin:

Fucking Dan’s back.

For those keeping score — exactly what happened in that cave.

Is that Clark Gregg’s father? Look at that guy.

“This not my bird.”

“We got this all the way from Russia.”

“I mean, even if this is not the bird… don’t get so attached to things. Learn to let go.”

Colin:

Oh wow. It kills me how Dan this guy is. For those of you who don’t know – actually, I want Mike to explain who Dan is. But this whole, “It’s perfect! Of course it’s perfect, we had to pull strings and spend a lot of money!” stuff is classic Dan. And I don’t resent the guy at all, but he’d say this.

I don’t even know Dan as well as you do. Most of my knowledge of Dan is through you. And most of the times I’ve hung out with him, he’s always just kind of quiet and reserved. Because you put you, me and Shiho around a table — Dan is not getting a word in edge-wise, especially when any combination of the three of us is ripping into him.

But, here’s my assessment, and Colin can correct me if I’m wrong, and then I’ll tell the one story that’s hilarious to me about Dan.

Dan is someone who wants to be a rich white man. He’s into golf and hangs out with kids who come from money, and in his head, he fits in with them. Meanwhile they probably don’t treat him as an equal, and he doesn’t notice any condescension. And he thinks he’s in charge of things, when it’s the complete… yeah, I get what you’re saying.

The funny thing about Dan was always how Colin would tell me about all the things he’d say about himself and how cocky he was. How he’d consider himself the most liked person in the room and just assumed that everyone loved him. Yet there were a bunch of people who just didn’t like him and thought he was off-putting. Meanwhile, someone like me, who openly doesn’t give a fuck if you like me or not, and doesn’t even consider how I come off in public situations (I’m someone who once told a person, without realizing how it would sound, that I completely forgot they even existed, because I honestly had), and has no problem being the biggest asshole in the room and saying terrible things (which somehow never get attributed to me. I feel like all I need to say to Colin for this one is “internment camps”), was considered to be more liked than Dan. Even by people who barely knew me. Like, “Oh, Mike? Yeah, he’s nice.” And the best part about it was that Dan hated that, and I’d always be like, “Okay.”

So I guess I’m Iron Man in this scenario.

Which is cool. I also can be drunk in a car in a basement in California.

Colin:

All of that was correct. You guys probably all know someone like this. His thing was how expensive stuff was and superlatives. He’d tell you he just had the best juice of his life. You ask what was so good about it and the best he can say is, “It was $19,” not realizing that to the truly rich people he’s trying to impress, that means nothing. You just say the brand, and if you’re worthy, they’ll know. You never focus on how expensive something was. There’s nothing that screams “I’m not actually rich” more than getting excited over a large price tag. I’m not even rich, and I know that.

So when Hammer tried to tell him it was an expensive bird, I thought of Dan.

No idea why he wants the bird. For the story and just in general. Serves no purpose whatsoever on any level.

“What’s this?”

“Doesn’t look like a helmet to me. How are you supposed to get the head in there?”

And then he makes him try it on.

This is dumb comedy.

Colin:

I hate rich people like this. Don’t make your flunky try to put it on. That’s an exercise in futility. You’re humiliating a subordinate to drive home a weak point.

“Drone better.”

“Drone better? Why is drone better?”

“People make problems.”

Colin:

Drones might be cool for the US military. I don’t see why they wouldn’t be interested.

“Trust me.”

“Ivan, I like you – I got you the bird – you said no problem. That’s what you said to me. You said no problem. Now I need suits. The government wants suits. Like Iron Man.”

“Hey man – don’t get too attached to things. Learn to let go.”

“These drones better steal the show, Ivan.”

Reaction shots are the key to villainous intentions.

“Unbelievable.”

Colin:

What are they looking at? Is it a hooker? I hope it’s a hooker. A hooker in a hangar.

Your legs are spread pretty far apart there.

Speaking of hookers in hangars…

“This oughta get the Senate off my ass.”

Speaking of hookers in hangars…

“It’s functional?”

Speaking of hookers…

“Fully mission capable.”

Speaking of…

“Good. Get Hammer down here to weaponize it.”

Speaking…

Yeah, that’s right. You fucked up.

Colin:

So his heart’s in the right place and the general is a mindless dick who just wants to get shit done quickly and easily. We’ve never seen this before.

“The world needs to see this fast. We’ve got to make this happen.”

“Yes, General, but…”

“It’s also an order.”

Colin:

“You’ve made your country proud.” People overusing that line really cheapens it for those who deserve it. Like veterans.

Colin:

*track in on Don Cheadle looking conflicted*

Nice.

Colin:

This place is fucked. Does he still have all the cash in the world? It really kills me how some rich people have no regard for the shit they’ve bought. It’s like, don’t wreck up the shit you have because you can replace it. Buy MORE shit. Or buy something we can all enjoy. Like community bouncy castles or something.

Is he liquidated? How does that work? And now that he’s not CEO, does he have a golden parachute? Does he get a salary? Or, more appropriately, a stipend?

Colin:

He still owns more than half of the company, according to what he heard in the last movie when the board was trying to lock him out. So half of a multibillion dollar company…he probably pays for stuff with the INTEREST on his earnings.

I would also be okay with community bouncy castles.

We should introduce those to prisons.

“That thing in your chest is based on unfinished technology.”

Colin:

He just called out your shit for not working. You’d think he’d have known from the get-go that it was going to react the way it is and start fucking him up. And for that matter, why are his organs not fucked up? Shouldn’t he have kidney failure at this point? I think it’s so gross that kidneys and liver are eaten. I mean, I’ve eaten them, but c’mon. That’s basically the animal equivalent of eating a Brita filter.

“No, it was finished. It had never been particularly effective until I miniaturized it and put it in my –”

“No. Howard said the arc reactor was a stepping stone for something greater.”

“He was gonna kick off an energy race that was gonna dwarf the arms race. He was on to something big, something so big that it was gonna make the nuclear reactor look like a AAA battery.”

Colin:

Energy instead of weapons. Which, in many ways, that’d be it. How appropriate that an energy revolution is the prize behind this movie, considering that it was written during 2009 as crude oil prices were at the top of the spike to $150 a barrel. Everyone in the States was freaking out about oil prices – and as a result, we’re only about 1-2 million barrels/day short of being self-sufficient at the moment – so it makes perfect sense that we’d be getting energy independence out of all of this.

He also just said “nuclear.” I’m writing this less than a kilometer from the detonation epicenter in Hiroshima, so I feel justified in saying: FUCK your AAA battery.

“Just him? Or was Anton Vanko in on this too?”

“Anton Vanko was the other side of that coin. Anton saw it as a way to get rich. When your father found out, he had him deported.”

Seems excessive. Wonder why the family holds a grudge.

Colin:

Of course Vanko was a shit. Leave it to the communist to be a capitalist.

The Soviets found out he couldn’t deliver and sent him off to Siberia, and he drank a lot.

Colin:

Wait, so does that mean he was deported, went back to the Soviet Union, got shipped to Siberia and THEN knocked up some chick? Cause that’s bad form.

“Not the type of environment you want to raise a kid in.”

Colin:

I can’t wait to have problems with my children.

“The son you had the misfortune of crossing paths with in Monaco.”

Are you seriously telling me you have no idea he’s still alive and that Hammer has him at his place? No idea?

Colin:

They faked his death, and I’m not sure I trust the French to sufficiently handle that investigation.

“You told me I hadn’t tried everything. What do you mean I haven’t tried everything? What haven’t I tried?”

“He said you were the only person with the means and knowledge to finish what he started.”

“He said that?”

“Are you that guy? Are you? Because if you are, then you can solve the riddle of your heart.”

That was an awful turn of phrase. That sounds like a Batman comic from the 80s.

“I don’t know where you’re getting your information, but he wasn’t my biggest fan.”

“What do you remember about your dad, huh?”

“He was cold, he was calculating, he never told me he loved me, he never told me he liked me. So it’s a little tough for me to digest what you’re telling me. He said the whole future was riding on me and he’s passing it down. I don’t get that. We’re talking about a guy who’s happiest day was when he shipped me off to boarding school.”

“That’s not true.”

“Well, then you know my dad better than I did.”

“As a matter of fact, I did. He was one of the founding members of SHIELD.”

Well that information just got dropped like a –

Giant random crate.

“I got a two o’clock.”

Colin:

Other than the fact that it’s “fo’ clock,” that is a great statement that I want to use frequently.

If he’s got a two o’clock, that means this was a lunch.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, what’s this?”

“You’re good, right? You got this, right?”

“Natasha will remain a floater at Stark with her cover in tact, and you remember Agent Coulson, right?”

Colin:

I don’t think there are any words that less effectively describe her than “floater.”

“And Tony –”

Watch out for them Chinamen?

(You know, cause The Mandarin?)

“Remember, I got my eye on you.”

Okay, the head tilt down makes me okay with that.

Colin:

“I got my eye on you.” I don’t like it when Samuel L. Jackson reminds me of Drake. Like here.

I was really hoping that would be a picture of him in Unbreakable.

Colin:

“They called me Mr. Disregard of Glass.”

Jackson out!

“We’ve disabled all communications. No contact with the outside world. Good luck.”

Colin:

Really? I think he can figure out some communications. Plus, he’s in a house with its goddamn windows blown out. And they let him leave later.

“Please. First thing, I need a little body work.” He’s gonna put some time in at the lab, he wants one of the goons out for a coffee run.

“I’m not here for that. I’ve been authorized by Director Fury to use any means necessary to keep you on premises.”

You mean like Chinese? Order in some hookers? I’m down for that.

Reaction shots.

Colin:

Downey throwing shade. Okay. Okay.

“Any attempt to leave, or play any games, I will tase you and watch Super Nanny while you drool into the carpet. K?”

“I think I got it, yeah.”

Why would you watch Super Nanny? You’ve got shitty taste in TV, Coulson.

Colin:

Isn’t his place trashed? The lab is still cool, I guess?

What if inside the box was just a dead hooker?

We’ll find out what’s inside tomorrow, because that’s the END OF PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and…

(See the rest of Fun with Franchises here.)

http://bplusmovieblog.com