Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man 3 (2013), Part II — “I Want to Have Holograms of Unconscious Friends”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man 3.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of Iron Man 3.

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We begin Part II with the Lord of the Rings.

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It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…

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“True story about fortune cookies. They look Chinese. They sound Chinese. But they’re actually an American invention.”

Colin:

I love Ben Kingsley. More of this movie should be him saying random shit.

The Mandarin Reads Bedtime Stories

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“Which is why they’re hollow. Full of lies. And leave a bad taste in the mouth.”

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“My disciples just destroyed another cheap American knockoff. The Chinese theater.”

Colin:

Was that attack planned? Did he know that the guy wouldn’t be able to manage himself and would snort the whole briefcase and explode? Or was it all accidental and he’s just taking credit cause that’s what you do?

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“I know this must be frustrating, but this season of terror is drawing to a close.”

I hope there’s gonna be a cliffhanger.

Do we know if they got picked up for another season?

Colin:

He’s basically the Ryan Seacrest of terror.

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“And don’t worry. The big one is coming.”

Strange visual for that line.

Colin:

That’s his “I’m coming Elizabeth” pose.

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“Your graduation.”

I want an assault rifle for a graduation present.

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It looks like he got his legs amputated.

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“Mind leaving that on?”

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“Sunday night’s PBS… Downton Abbey. That’s his show, he thinks it’s elegant.”

Colin:

He likes Downton Abbey. I wonder what prompted that.

Wait… this happened on a SATURDAY? At Grauman’s? HA HA HA HA HA. No fucking WAY it’s that empty. At least a hundred people died in that explosion if that really happens.

No, it couldn’t have been a Saturday. It had to have been a Friday. Because she had a meeting with Killian. Which must have been on Friday afternoon. So they stabilized him on Saturday and Stark is here on Sunday.

Still, no fucking way that place was empty on a Friday.

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

Must be nice to be in the hospital, injured. Cause you’re gonna get a pass on a lot of stuff at work and with friends and stuff. We just had a M8.5 earthquake here in Tokyo, and while my apartment was shaking for that minute, I didn’t even consider putting on pants. It was just, “Man, if this building collapses and I’m severely injured, I don’t have to do that book review next week.” But here I am, not injured and putting off that book review by writing about a Marvel movie.

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“One more thing, make sure everyone wears their badges. He’s a stickler for that sort of thing. Plus my guys won’t let anyone in.”

That’s fucked up. Your guys are outside the room and won’t let staff in without badges? Is that how hospitals work?

Colin:

People have seen The Godfather. They’re not stupid.

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They’re hoping Tony Stark will give his reaction.

Colin:

Heigl? New haircut.

Not her. You know if it was her they’d have made a point of showing it.

Colin:

I’ve done a proper 180. I can now no longer tell the difference between white women. “So anway, Mandy Moore over here…” “Colin, that’s Jodie Foster.”

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Didn’t have to wait long.

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Really, guy with the pad? It’s 2013.

Colin:

Yeah, that’s weak. I had a pad at a press conference ONCE, only to mark down important timestamps on my audio recording. 

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“Mr. Stark – when is somebody gonna kill this guy?”

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Never answer a person holding a phone.

Colin:

Is that Katherine Heigl? Wait, no. That’s Paul Walker.

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“Is that what you want?”

Never a good way to start an answer to the press.

“Here’s a little holiday greeting I’ve been wanting to send to the Mandarin. I just didn’t know how to phrase it until now.”

Colin:

Jesus, I was wondering if they were going to do this, and they did. I don’t hate these moments because they’re Robert Downey Jr. speaking for an extended period of time, but I want everyone to take note of how many times during this franchise we have this exact scene. Some shit happens, reporters want Tony’s response, he says nothing until provoked by a harsh question, at which point he stops, they hold on him for 2-3 seconds and he unleashes real talk that moves the plot.

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“My name’s Tony Stark and I’m not afraid of you. I know you’re a coward. So I’ve decided that you just died, pal.”

That’s fucked up. You shouldn’t decide people are dead like that. That’s a big position to take.

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“I’m gonna come get the body.”

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“There’s no politics here, it’s just good, old-fashioned revenge. There’s no Pentagon, it’s just you and me.”

No, there is a Pentagon, and it’s probably pissed that you just did that.

Where is SHIELD during all this?

Colin:

Captain America 2. That’s their explanation, anyway.

So Earth is having another bad semester?

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“And on the off-chance you’re a man, here’s my home address: 10880 Malibu Point. 90265.”

That’s not a big deal. I’m sure he knows it. Everyone knows it.

“I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

Colin:

His home address, and the door’s unlocked? I think The Mandarin could find the place if he wanted to. And aren’t assholes going to show up to chill now?

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“That’s what you wanted, right?”

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Throw the phone at the old Asian couple.

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“Bill me.”

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Colin:

I like the R8. Funny how they just go back and forth between Acura and Audi. You can tell which movie you’re watching based on which marque he’s driving. By the way, it’s an R8 e-tron, the electric version. It’ll be on sale in the States later this year.

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He’s got a Mandarin database. Drawn from FBI, CIA and SHIELD.

Colin:

Based on all the stuff he hacks, he’s like, a major cybercriminal.

He’s a major a-lotta criminal, based on the shit he does in Ultron. Actually pretty great how being rich gets him out of all trouble.

Colin:

SHIELD has this data? So I’m confused. ARE they busy with Winter Soldier stuff, or aren’t they? And if they ARE busy with that, why don’t we see any of that shit on the news randomly, even as an Easter egg? Like, a segment about the high-speed chase and explosions on the highway and a rogue gunman, and Tony’s like, “Oh, that’s not my shit, though.”

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Virtual crime scene reconstruction.

Hey, now here’s a crazy idea. Happy said he was gonna follow the dude because he looked shifty. And then he got blown up. Maybe… track the shifty guy to your fucking office. This isn’t that difficult to figure out who’s behind this.

Colin:

I still want all the hologram stuff. It’s awesome, we all want it.

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“Name is an ancient Chinese war mantle meaning advisor to the king. South American insurgency tactics. Talks like a Baptist preacher. There’s lots of pageantry going on here, lots of theater.”

Colin:

Too bad he probably doesn’t give this tech to cops who are still trying to figure out crimes the old fashioned way. Semen analysis. Which, I guess that’s the new old-fashioned way.

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The heat was 3,000° C. Any objects within 12.5 yards were vaporized instantly.

And… Happy wasn’t? Or because he was thrown, that’s what kept him alive? 37 feet? Ehh… you’re kinda pushing it, but it’s not the worst piece of logic in the world.

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“No bomb parts found in a three mile radius of the Chinese theater.”

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This looks kinda like a Bond credit sequence design.

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Colin:

I love this for all the footprints.

Show me all the footprints.

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Colin:

I want to have holograms of unconscious friends.

Did you not get my package?

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Colin:

It would be amazing if Tupac was walking him through this.

NEW JARVIS

First off, fixed your suit, and the tech you have….

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“Talk to me, Happy.”

He’s an unconscious hologram.

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“When is a bomb not a bomb?”

Colin:

When the international box office pulls you out of the hole and– oh, I thought we were talking about Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

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When it’s dogged.

When it’s dogged.

When it’s… yeah, you get it.

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Colin:

This is absurd, by the way. That he could just find all this shit that the FBI and everyone missed. Especially because after the blast, those dog tags were just there.

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No military victims according to public record.

Which is weird that you haven’t hacked the classified record.

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Here are all the heat spikes over the past year.

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“Take away everywhere there’s been a Mandarin attack.”

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So… the amount of stuff that just went away… is no one concerned about this before now?

Colin:

That was a SHIT ton of Mandarin attacks that just disappeared! How did he only just now talk to Don Cheadle at a family restaurant if there’ve been like 15 attacks?! Doesn’t 15 attacks warrant an official briefing? 15 attacks, and your first thought was to get hot wings with your black friend? Not that there’s anything wrong with that in general, just…given the circumstances.

I thought there were only 9 that they knew about. Where’d he get the others? How did they know it was a Mandarin attack to be able to take them away?

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“That.”

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“You sure that’s not one of his?”

“Predates any known Mandarin attack.”

Colin:

How did he pick this location? California didn’t make sense because it’s too nice? Because there aren’t enough soldiers in California?

I think it’s because it’s higher than 3,000°. The others were significantly lower.

Colin:

Yeah, that doesn’t really help when you’re watching it at normal speed. He’s just like, “Cali? No. Missouri? Probably race riots. Tennessee? Yeah, probably.”

Oh, not at all. I just only realized it while doing this, because I was looking at each screenshot. That’s the only way I figured it out.

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“That’s two military guys.”

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“Ever been to Tennessee, Jarvis?”

Yes. Your sentient operating system has been to Tennessee.

“Creating a flight plan for Tennessee.”

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And there’s the doorbell.

Colin:

It freaks me out when the doorbell rings as I’m finishing stuff.

Like, jerking off, or…

Colin:

In fact, it freaks me out whenever the doorbell rings. You know who rings the doorbell? Cultists and solicitors, that’s who.

Like, jerking off, or…?

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“Are we still at ding-dong? We’re supposed to be on total security lockdown. Come on, I threatened a terrorist. Who’s that?”

Colin:

That is pretty bad, when you’ve threatened a terrorist and the doorbell rings. Cultists and solicitors and terrorists (oh my!). In order of do not want.

What does he mean, though? “Are we still at ding-dong?” Does security lockdown mean the bell doesn’t work? Or that there’s some sort of security system that prevents someone from getting that far? Because I don’t see how your house is capable (and also, in a weird way, not capable) of having that happen.

Colin:

I think he means that “ding-dong” shouldn’t be his first notification that someone’s arrived. Like, JARVIS should tell him if someone’s like 5 blocks out.

And yet… missiles.

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“There’s only so much I can do, sir, when you give the world’s press your home address.”

How does everyone not have that address already?

Colin:

The world’s press didn’t already know where he lived? It shouldn’t be that hard to find. He lives on a massive point. It’s a huge house. People probably know.

Also, what does he mean, there’s only so much he could do? So the press is outside and parked out there? Are they all coming up to the door and ringing the bell? Because this person did. Wouldn’t she be the one you have to worry about? I am really not sure how your security is operating here.

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And Rebecca Hall is just there.

Colin:

Hey ladies, that thing you do where you make a fist and hold your sleeve while knocking or waving — don’t do it anymore. 

“Hey, remember when we banged 13 years ago?”

It’s always a kid. Don’t open the door.

It’s not real if you avoid it for the rest of your life.

Colin:

That’s how most babies treat SIDS.

Oh, is that the plant chick? Are you the plant chick? It’s been 30 minutes and I’m already unsure. I thought she was a random journalist at first but that could be wrong. I really don’t know white women from other white women.

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What happened to security lockdown?

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“Right there’s fine.”

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“I heard that you were feeling ill / headache, fever and a chill…”

Colin:

Still SO many questions left unanswered about that scene.

Who paid, is my main one.

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“You’re not the Mandarin.”

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“Are you? Are you?”

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“You don’t remember.”

Why would he?

“Why am I not surprised?”

Does he not remember that you are the Mandarin? Because that would be funny. If she told him during sex.

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“Don’t take it personally, I don’t remember what I had for breakfast.”

“Gluten-free waffles, sir.”

“That’s right.”

Colin:

I hate gluten-free. Just eat gluten. The last person who tried lecturing me about the toxicity of gluten is a chain smoker. I shit you not.

So Jarvis tells him that but can’t keep people from coming to the door?

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“Look, I need to be alone with you, someplace not here. It’s urgent.”

Just once, I’d like this to happen to me.

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“Normally, I’d go for that sort of thing, but now I’m in a committed relationship.”

I think we need to go back to normal then. Because this isn’t working.

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Now that Colin mentioned it, I can’t not see that bunny having arms instead of tits.

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“With her.”

You’re on security lockdown and you let her stay there?!

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“Tony, is somebody there?”

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“Yeah, it’s Maya Hanson.”

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Gamesmanship 101. That’s how you do it.

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“Old botanist pal.”

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“Please don’t tell me there’s a 12 year old kid waiting in the car that I’ve never met.”

See? That’s the only thing it could be.

Oh, and, “Remember that stuff I showed you? Well now the world is going to end because of it.”

“He’s 13.”

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This reaction.

Colin:

Yeah, plant chick! How’re the plants doing? Oh, nice crack about the kid. Not. Don’t ever joke with a man about that shit.

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“No. I need your help.”

Well not after that remark.

“What for? Why now?”

“Because I read the papers. And frankly, I don’t think you’ll last the week.”

So, wait… “I think you’re gonna die, so I need your help right now to finish my formula before that happens.” That’s pretty fucked up.

“I’ll be fine.”

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“Sorry, with Happy in the hospital, I didn’t know we were expecting guests.”

Shouldn’t it be, “With Tony threatening a terrorist, I didn’t know we were expecting guests”?

“We weren’t.”

“An old girlfriend –”

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“She’s not really–”

“No, not really. It was just one night.”

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Facial expressions.

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“That’s how you did it, isn’t it?”

“It was a great night.”

Pepper, you know full well how he did it. Don’t act so surprised.

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“Well, you saved yourself a world of pain.”

“I’m sure.”

“What?”

“Trust me.”

I like this dialogue exchange. I just wish it were in a better movie.

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“We’re going out of town.”

“Okay, we’ve been through this – nope.”

“Yup!”

Why have you been through this? I’m confused. You invited a terrorist to come get you. And you refuse to let her leave… why?

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“The man says no.”

That’s… old-fashioned.

“Immediately and indefinitely.”

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“Great idea, let’s go.”

This whole situation is weird. How about you tell your boss not to kill him until he gives you the formula you need?

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“I’m sorry, that’s a terrible idea. Please don’t touch her bags.”

“This is how normal people behave.”

“I can’t protect you out there.”

You can’t really protect her in here, either.

Colin:

Shouldn’t his house have some crazy force field? How come he’s never done anything to secure the house until now? People KNOW where he lives. I’m amazed this is the first attack.

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“Is that normal?”

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“Yes, this is normal.”

“It’s very normal.”

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“It’s a big bunny, relax about it.”

Colin:

Admit it. That was a hare-brained gift idea.

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“Calm down.”

“I got this for you! You still loved me when you told me you liked it!”

“I don’t like it!”

“I asked you three – you don’t like it.”

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Yeah, but nobody knew where he lived before that.

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“We are leaving the house!”

“Guys—”

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“Do we need to worry about that?”

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Colin:

PLEASE. You see a missile coming for the house on MSNBC or something and that’s your reaction? I’m out. She’s the one who hears beeping in the parking lot and doesn’t immediately hit the deck.

And they’re filming all of this.

Colin:

Not to mention — she’s WORKING for him! How does she not know about this in advance or at least tell him she’s gonna go try to talk Stark into helping her out so maybe, you know, don’t shoot missiles at the house just this second.

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TURN DOWN FOR WHAT

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Does the bunny survive this?

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Here’s hoping, right?

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Awesome.

Colin:

Nice save with the suit in midair. That was cool. That’s worth some pussy, I’d say. No, someone else’s. 

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Seriously, how do we all not know who the Mandarin is?

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The press is technically doing it. That’s pretty great.

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People go unconscious super easily.

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Missionary style, the Iron way.

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Oh wow, only that portion of the roof fell down.

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“I got you.”

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“I got you first.”

That’s cheesy, but it is true.

“Like I said, we can’t stay here.”

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Bay.

Though he prefers the side shots.

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Still love that press helicopters are firing on him.

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Maybe drop down there and get another suit.

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Isn’t that the one that just falls apart all the time?

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“Get her, I’m gonna find another way around.”

Don’t you hate it when you have to carry your significant other’s unconscious ex?

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“Stop stopping, get her. Get outside. GO!”

Colin:

She gets out and he’s just gonna fumble around in the wreckage? How the hell did they even show up in sovereign airspace? Where do these people get helicopters and missiles and stuff? I just saw Fast and Furious 7, and you’re like, “How the hell does an African terrorist fly around LA in a helicopter gunship for like 20 minutes with zero opposition?”

Not only that, but the news helicopters are all watching. It’s pathetic how much gets broken to the government via broadcast news in this franchise. 

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That underbite with the mask looks hilarious.

Mmhmm.

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“Hey, remember when you were unconscious a minute ago? Well time to get up like it was nothing!”

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BUNNY STILL STANDING

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Selfie!

Also, shouldn’t you know your boss was involved with this?

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Seriously — Christmas card.

Not that you’ll make Christmas.

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Remember how Tony tells Rhodey the suits are only coded to him later on?

Yeah…

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Her legs just got fucked up.

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There are few shots more elegant than those of a roof falling down on somebody’s head.

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“Tony!”

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Where does he live after this? Stark Tower? Has to, right?

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“Sir, Ms. Potts is clear of the structure.”

Colin:

She was clear for a good while there. Get that suit back, damn.

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Remember how that fell apart a bunch over the first half hour?

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No flight power. This is a prototype.

Colin:

How do you have no flight power? That’s the same power as the hands, is it not? The hands work, why not the feet?

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Colin:

So he’s got no weapons and no flight? That seems kinda strange, given that he’s been working on this obsessively. What’s wrong with the other suits?

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Colin:

I guess that’s one way to do it, although…there should really be something else. Doesn’t his robot arm thing know how to shoot?

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“That’s one.”

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“Sir, the suit is not combat ready.”

So go in the fucking garage.

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In all that time it took you to fix that, you could have went into the garage and gotten another suit that works.

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WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE

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Colin:

Helicopter explosions are large and their fuel burns very hot. This had an opportunity to be fierier.

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Yes. Now drop down into the garage.

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Colin:

I’m betting that Marvel expects us to feel bad about the robot arm falling to its death. That robot is the Paul Walker of Iron Man.

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Now get another fucking suit.

Colin:

The cars. Are gone.

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Suits right there.

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Weird how the world is just letting this happen.

Colin:

The best part about all this? Steve Rogers is at the gym for this entire movie.

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Still no response from the government.

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How many missiles do you have?

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Colin:

So he has JARVIS, and he has like 40 suits that he calls later. They all have flight power, they’re all right here, and they all pop out of his basement later on JARVIS’ command. Better still, they all have the ability to fly to Tony and catch him in midair. He could very easily destroy these guys and have all of his suits online with full power.

In fact, I want everyone to remember that at any given moment in this movie that JARVIS is awake for, Tony could call the other 40 suits, and he just doesn’t. There’s another movie there trying to happen with him and all 40 suits getting a little schizo and trying to defeat the bad guys. But no, we’re left with him and the Mk 42 with no power for most of this movie because he either forgets about the rest of the suits or just doesn’t want to call them.

I ask of you all: how is this acceptable?

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Colin:

He got grabbed by a tendril. Having flashbacks to the Gravemind in Halo 2.

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Yes, run into the house, because that helicopter is gone.

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“OPTIMUS!”

Colin:

Yes, yell at the water. That’ll help.

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It’s still fucking there!

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“Sir, take a deep breath.”

Colin:

Why is water coming in? Why does this suit suck? He’s had 42 suits and this one is the worst in a long time. The worst since the original, actually. Why aren’t all the others fucking up the helicopter and coming to get him? JARVIS is smart enough to take action on his own in this case.

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Colin:

He gave himself a hand. Which, this thing must give the world’s worst stranger.

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“Flight power restored.”

That’s convenient.

Where was it before?

Colin:

Good time to get flight power back. Maybe instead of flying away, you go punch the helicopter and take down the bad guy when he can’t fight back?

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And no one noticed that?

Colin:

Yeah, Pepper was standing there on the edge staring directly at the water about five seconds ago, but she gave up and went to have a taco.

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And that’s the end of the movie!

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“Sir. Sir!”

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Wait, what? You couldn’t sleep at home, but after being shot at, you slept during the entire flight to Tennessee?

Though, based on what we learn later, that might have just been him being passed out for like, four minutes.

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Power’s below 5%.

Colin:

So other than him flying while asleep, it’s really sad that his power drops that fast. He has a new, better arc reactor, and he flew to the Middle East and back on the old model.

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Oh no. We’re getting dangerous close to deer asshole.

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Proper reaction.

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“Hello deer ass, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again…”

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Fuck trees.

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Why are you taking the mask off? It’s warm in there.

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“It’s snowing, right? Where are we, upstate?”

“We are five miles outside of Rose Hill, Tennessee.”

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“Why? Jarvis, not my idea.”

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“What are we doing here? This is thousands of miles away, I gotta get Pepper.”

“I prepared a flight plan. This was the location.”

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“Who asked you?”

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“Open the suit.”

“I think I may be malfunctioning, sir.”

“Open it, J.”

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So the suit isn’t being powered by him anymore. I guess that was just the first couple of models?

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“That’s brisk.”

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So do those things ever come out of his arms?

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“Maybe I’ll just cozy back up for—”

“I think I need to sleep now.”

“Jarvis…. Jarvis?”

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“Don’t leave me, buddy.”

Colin:

Now JARVIS is fucked, his girlfriend is in danger or pissed at him or whatever, and he’s still a nervous wreck without a working suit — except for the 40 that he has at home and either chose not to use or forgot about. So…yeah. Great work, guys. You screwed up the movie.

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Colin:

I hate this, but that’s a good shot.

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I remember when the trailer came out and everyone was like, “What’s going on? Is he in Russia? The Arctic?” Nah, fucking Tennessee.

Colin:

This is such a trailer moment. Get it? But also, for real. Our hero, dragging the manifestation of his heroism through the snow at night. Come the fuck on.

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Yes, rob them of another thing.

Colin:

Great, steal more things from Native Americans.

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“It’s me. I got a lot of apologies to make and not a lot of time, so, first off, I’m so sorry I put you in harm’s way. That was selfish and stupid. And it won’t happen again.”

How’d you pay for that call?

Colin:

Does he have quarters? Did he hotwire the phone?

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“Also, it’s Christmas time, and the rabbit’s too big. Done. Sorry.”

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“And I’m sorry in advance because I can’t come home yet. I need to find this guy.”

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“I just stole a poncho from a wooden Indian.”

Colin:

Rich people: appropriating things from the poor since forever.

The weird thing is that he’s leaving a voicemail to his suit.

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He walked five miles with that thing?

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Dumping a body in the shed.

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Colin:

This is such a Batman storyline. He has no money and no one and needs to regroup. So you know, take what you can from poor people and go from there.

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“Let’s get you comfy.”

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“You happy now?”

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How did that suit not fall apart?

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Well, I guess out they come.

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“Freeze!”

Colin:

The child. This is my least favorite part of the movie. I’m sorry, but when you add a child sidekick to a franchise to help the movie relate to kids or add comic relief, you’ve lost me. I’m not saying Short Round was the worst part of Temple of Doom, but if you gave me a choice between Short Round and a script that didn’t feature children…yeah, I’m going with the latter.

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“Don’t move.”

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“You got me.”

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“Nice potato gun. Barrel’s a little long. Between that and the wide gauge it’s gonna diminish your MPS.”

Colin:

Of course the kid has to be a mechanical genius or whatever. He’s a little engineer with his bullshit potato gun. You don’t shoot potatoes, you eat them. You know, boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew? 

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“And now you’re out of ammo.”

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“What’s that thing on your chest?”

‘It’s a electromagnet. You should know, you got a box of them right here.”

“What does it power?”

Me.

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And that.

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“Oh my god!”

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“Is that Iron Man?”

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“Technically I am.”

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“Technically you’re dead.”

Not the first time.

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Colin:

I REALLY want a newspaper that says I’m dead.

Did you not get my package?

Colin:

I have a bench that says I’m dead, but not a newspaper. Man, do I love that bench. 

“What happened to him?”

“Life.”

The answer to everything.

“I built him, I take care of him, I’m gonna fix him.”

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“If I were building Iron Man and War Machine-”

“It’s Iron Patriot now.”

“That’s way cooler!”

“No it’s not.”

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Anyway, he would have thrown in the retro…

“Retroreflective panels?”

“To make him stealth mode.”

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“You want a stealth mode? That’s actually a good idea.”

Colin:

That’s a good point. The hover carrier had invisibility, so why hasn’t Stark done that?

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Just ripped off his finger.

“He’s in pain, he’s been injured, leave him alone.”

“Sorry.”

Colin:

Try that. Yell at the child whose house you’ve broken into.

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“Are you?”

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“Don’t worry about it, I’ll fix it.”

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“So who’s home?”

“Well, Mom already left for the diner, and Dad went to 7-11 to get scratch offs. I guess he won, cause that was six years ago.”

Colin:

Really? They’re pulling THAT cliché? Dad went out for [name a thing] and never came back? Try that on someone, by the way. “Dad went out for groceries, and I haven’t seen him since.” “Oh, I…I’m so sorry. When was that?” “Well, this second episode of The Jeffersons is about to end, so it’s been almost 45 minutes now. Florence just burned George with a stagflation joke – topical AND sassy!”

Does Mom work in the diner that’s gonna get shot up in twenty minutes?

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“Which happens, dad’s leave, no need to be a pussy about it.”

Colin:

Okay, that was the first moment I’ve enjoyed in this movie in a LONG time! BE A DICK, DOWNEY!

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“Here’s what I need-”

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“A laptop, a digital watch, a cell phone, a pneumatic actuator from your bazooka over there. A map of town. A big spring. And a tunafish sandwich.”

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“What’s in it for me?”

Iron Man 3 - 825

“Salvation. What’s his name?”

“Who?”

“The kid that bullies you at school.”

“How’d you know that?”

“I got just the thing.”

Colin:

Of course the kid is bullied. I hate this. And that was a stupid list of things.

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“This is a piñata for a cricket. I’m kidding, this is a very powerful weapon.”

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“Point it away from your face, press the button on top. It discourages bullying. Nonlethal, just to cover one’s ass.”

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“Deal?”

“Deal.”

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“What’s your name?”

“Harley. And you’re-”

The guy who you just said was dead.

Colin:

Well, you JUST handed him a newspaper with his name on it and told him he was “dead,” so either you’re retarded or this is bad writing. Or both.

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“The mechanic.”

His name was in the paper.

“Tony.”

Yeah, but his name was in the paper and he know who you were.

Iron Man 3 - 832

“You know what keeps going through my head?”

Neural impulses?

“Where’s my sandwich?”

Colin:

Sandwich demands are less funny when they’re not directed at a woman.

And that’s the END OF PART II. Because where is my motherfuckin’ sandwich?

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III and a really hot chick.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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