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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man 3 (2013), Part III — “A Collection of Asshole Sidekicks”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man 3.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of Iron Man 3.

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We begin Part III with probably something that should be getting more press.

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Rubble.

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Really?

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Where’s SHIELD during all this?

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Yeah, you throw that right now. That’s a bomb.

Colin:

Again, this helmet is beeping and there’s a red light that’s flashing. There’s no way I’m not throwing that shit and running as fast as I can in the other direction. It’s even plausible that he’d have a self-destruct protocol for this contingency.

HE DOES THOUGH

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What do the workers think? About this white woman, nay, CEO, standing there, wearing a mask on the edge of a cliff?

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“Pepper, it’s me.”

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Pepper approves of stealing from the Indians.

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“Why were you at the house tonight? What was so important that you had to speak to Tony?”

Wasn’t it today? Not tonight? Because the attack happened and he had enough time to get to Tennessee. At best, it’s this afternoon.

“I think that my boss is working for the Mandarin.”

Colin:

It’s funny how she acts like the NSA isn’t listening to everything in that car.

And you know what? Somehow, a lot of what this movie is could have been avoided if this were really the case. About the Mandarin thing. Not about the NSA. Based on how Tony can hack into them, I assume all government organizations are inept at best.

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Facial expressions.

“So if you still wanna talk about it, I suggest that we get ourselves some place safe.”

Like, SHIELD? Remember when you were all friends with them?

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“Your boss works for the Mandarin, you think. But Tony says you’re a botanist.”

Colin:

She IS a botanist. Don’t get hung up because you’re not a CEO, botanist lady.

I like the implication that a botanist can’t be working for a terrorist.

“That figures. What I actually am is a biological DNA encoder running a team of forty out of a privately funded think tank. But sure, you can call me a botanist.”

Colin:

Good. Because you ARE a botanist.

“This boss of yours, does he have a name?”

I’ll spare you her having to say it.

Colin:

Dear Marvel,

It sucks when you exposit every last thing (this letter’s from Colin) to the point where reveals are only shocking to characters and complete morons.

Sincerely,

*COLIN* (were you surprised?)

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Well that was easy.

And now I see what the purpose of this actually was. There’s still supposed to be a Mandarin at this point. So it’s not that bad that it was obvious he was a bad guy. I mean, his name was fucking Killian.

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“I have to go. The master’s about to record, and he’ a little – well, you know how he gets.”

Detail Oriental?

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“Keep your appointment tonight and call me when it’s done.”

Who is he talking to, exactly? Sounds like he’s speaking in code. It can only be two people.

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Colin:

Where do they get all this crap? Is there like, an iParty for terrorists?

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“All right, everyone, no talking and no eye contact, unless you want to get shot in the face.”

Colin:

Are they shooting all these videos in California? Are they just on some soundstage? Cause that’d be great.

This is some Wag the Dog shit.

What do these people think they’re being paid to do? How can you put that on a resume. “I edited Mandarin videos.”

Which really makes me interested in that idea you had.

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Colin:

Where does one get henchmen? I know we’ve discussed this before. I’m always baffled. What if some other stuff was going on and someone else needs to hire up all the henchman? Is there a henchman temp agency?

These aren’t henchmen. I guess, some of them are. But some of these are regular people. Hence the “shot in the face” comment.

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Who is this terrorist production designer?

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Where are they keeping him? Why is he not in this house at all times?

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“The master is traveling.”

Colin:

I’m convinced that evil organizations account for like, 70 percent of all walkie talkie sales these days.

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Yeah. Always have two fine Asian bitches to tend to you.

Colin:

Those are the temp hos we remember from Chow Yun Fat in Pirates.

“Well then, what are we waiting for?”

Colin:

He’s just some shmuck, right? There’s one reveal that Marvel held onto and it ended up sucking.

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This place is like, best case scenario for a western town.

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“The sandwich was fair, the spring was a little rusty, the rest of the materials, I’ll make due.”

Why’d you wait to tell him that until now?

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“By the way, when you said your sister had a watch—”

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“I was kinda hoping for something a little more adult than that.”

Why? It tells time, right?

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“She’s six! Anyway, it’s a limited edition.”

Colin:

See how the main character walking around with a child is not the best thing that has happened to this string of movies? People who compare this film favorably with Iron Man 2, I’m going to take this moment to call you out. That’s right. I see your little girl watch, and I raise you drunken indoor skeet shooting with DJ AM on tunes.

I’m not saying the movie was good by normal standards, but if I hear one more person tell me how Iron Man 3 was one of the best Marvel films yet, “especially after that shitty second movie,” I will lose my shit.

Why does the watch being a limited edition have anything to do with it?

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“Anyway, when can we talk about New York?”

“Maybe never.”

“What about The Avengers? Can we talk about that?”

Colin:

He knows about New York and the Avengers, but he had to ask who Tony was after handing him the newspaper with the name TONY STARK in size 150 font. Fuck you.

This kid is annoying. You had a lot of time to ask him these questions. Like when he was eating the sandwich.

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“What’s the official story here?”

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“I guess this guy named Chad Davis, used to live roundabouts. Won a bunch of medals in the army.”

Colin:

Yeah, try that. Ask any kid of that age to describe local news that isn’t happening right in front of them. You’re asking the kid what happened here when you could easily get better information from literally anyone within 5 blocks of here.

Are there five blocks here?

“One day, folks said he went crazy and made a bomb.”

Colin:

No child refers to what “folks say.” Just so we’re clear. What is this kid, a keeper of the myth or something? Can anyone write?

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“Then he blew himself up, right here.”

Because that story makes sense. “Yeah, he randomly went crazy and blew himself up in this spot for like, no reason.”

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“Six people died, right? Including Chad Davis.”

So you know the story. Why is the kid telling it to you? Sometimes exposition is clunky for no reason.

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“It doesn’t make sense. Think about it – six dead, only five shadows.”

Dumb people say it’s their souls going to heaven. Except the bomb guy.

People are really stupid.

Colin:

Shadows have nothing to do with heaven. There are also other reasons why there might be fewer shadows than there were victims, like, I dunno, THE FACT THAT THERE ARE ONLY 3 WALLS. A full 90 degrees of the blast arc has no wall to project onto. What if one of the victims was by the street? Then there’d be four shadows, with six dead. What would the script be saying now? Making sense: you fail at it.

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“You buy that?”

“That’s what everyone says.”

I love that he just shakes his head “no” here. Just – no. That’s not it.

Colin:

No. No child of this age who tinkers with shit at home knows what “everyone says.” What, are there weird town meetings that the kid goes to? What kid knows what a town collectively thinks about a local news event from what we assume is months ago?

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“You know what this crater reminds me of?”

A cloaca?

“No, no idea. I don’t care.”

Colin:

This is Downey being a dick, but not for our benefit. This is why I dislike this movie. Downey’s gold, and they’re wasting him.

“That giant wormhole in New York.”

“That’s manipulative. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“They coming back, the aliens?”

“Maybe. Can you stop?”

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“Remember when I told you that I have an anxiety issue?”

“Does this subject make you edgy?”

Colin:

Children asking questions in rapid fire is not endearing. This kid should be slapped.

This would be better if he could one-up the kid, and not crumble under the weight of pointless anxiety.

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“Yeah, a little bit. Can I just catch my breath a second?”

“Are there bad guys in Rose Hill? Do you need a plastic bag to breathe into?”

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“Do you have medication?”

“No.”

“Do you need to be on it?”

“Probably.”

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“Do you have PTSD?”

“I don’t think so.”

Really? Because it looks like you have PTSD.

“Are you going completely mental?”

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“I can stop. Do you want me to stop?”

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“Remember when I said to stop doing that? I mean it, you’re gonna freak me out.”

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Iron Man is going off to have a panic attack. This is where we’re at.

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Colin:

What’s this about? Is this supposed to be raising awareness for anxiety disorders or something? What the FUCK is this and why is it in this movie? Who’s defending repeated panic attacks as a decent plot device for this character?

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“What the hell was that?”

My thoughts exactly.

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“Your fault. You spazzed me out.”

Colin:

People who say that this movie has a story to tell…no. You’re accepting what they throw at you with little or no basis. “Well, it’s about Tony trying to grapple with–” With what? There’s stuff he can’t explain anymore? Cause I’m pretty sure Thor could explain all of it.

How about taking my advice and have his cavalier approach to hero-ing get someone killed during The Avengers and then he has THAT to be flashing back to? And it’d be something to provide some real, crippling self-doubt like the rest of us have to deal with because it’d be the wake-up call that he’s not actually just that good. And that’d be another reason for his obsession and making a shit ton of suits to stop himself from getting in the way of people’s safety.

Why are people defending The Avengers and this movie when his neurosis is practically bolt-on and doesn’t make sense to anyone paying attention? Action and hero movies: when you need to advance plot, just kill someone. It’s always worked and it gives you options. Killing people can fix your dumb movie.

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Anyway, where can he find dead guy’s relatives?

Colin:

This is nice cause people always forget how much we can learn from children. OH WAIT, WE LEARN NOTHING FROM CHILDREN WHAT THE FUCK

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I like how the kid goes, “Oh, his mother’s at the bar.”

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“Sorry.”

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“Lady?”

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“Thank you.”

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“Nice haircut. It suits you.”

“Nice watch.”

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“Yeah. Limited edition.”

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“Oh, I don’t doubt it.”

Well that’s a weird exchange. I wonder if she’s a killer.

Colin:

Why did we get that many lines with this lady? Is that mom? Is that gonna be mom? Either that, or she’s a bad guy or something. I hate that things are always connected in these stupid movies.

This really doesn’t feel like an Iron Man movie at all. Which isn’t the worst thing, but also — what’s going on?

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I’m sure that’s smart.

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Tony Stark picks up an older woman.

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“Mrs. Davis?”

Where’d you get the drink from?

Colin:

He almost never drinks in this movie. There’s been a real breakdown in the franchise. Tony Stark needs an intervention to get him drinking again.

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“Free country.”

Colin:

It’s time to retire the “free country” response to people’s requests.

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“Sure it is.”

Was that sarcasm? Was that the only subtle line in the movie?

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“All right – where’d you like to start?”

Colin:

In an older, better movie, she would be played by Eileen Brennan.

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Proper reaction.

“I just wanna say I’m sorry about your loss. I wanna know what you think happened.”

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“Look, I brought your damn file. Take it. Go.”

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“Whatever was in here, he wanted no part of it.”

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“Clearly you’re waiting for someone else. Were you supposed to meet someone here?”

Colin:

Despite this event happening a while ago, this lady just happens to be in the bar at this moment with all the shit, waiting for someone who’s going to want all the files and everything. Okay.

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Colin:

Why does she have the information on the other people? Doesn’t that seem wrong? Where would she get any of this?

This whole situation doesn’t make a lick of sense. He died months ago (“predates any known Mandarin attack”). The person sent to meet her with the file came and left the bar without meeting with her (unless she’s the backup for the other guy, who’s on his way). And this meeting is somehow randomly happening months later because someone decided, “Maybe we should tie up that loose end, just in case someone decides to look into it now.”

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“Mrs. Davis, your son didn’t kill himself. I guarantee you. He didn’t kill anyone. Someone used him. As a weapon.”

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“You’re not the person that called me after all, are you?”

Colin:

Is it going to be the bad guy who shows up for the data, trying to cover his tracks? Why only now?

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“Actually, I am.”

So why were you leaving a minute ago?

Colin:

Oh, she’s a cop. Homeland Security? Better still. Yeah, why WAS she leaving a minute ago?

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Homeland Security.

“We good here?”

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“No we’re not good here.”

Correct.

“I need a little more information than that.”

Colin:

This sheriff looked familiar. He did an episode of Mad Men. Turned up in one of the Transformers movies. And he was one of the Congressional Committee dicks from Charlie Wilson’s War, which is where I remembered him from.

But really. You walk in, throw someone down. “I wanted that file. I’m Homeland Security. This guy’s coming with me. Cool?” What? Is this how they expect people to behave? To just go along with supposed authority?

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“I think that’s a little above your pay grade, sheriff.”

“Yeah, well, why don’t you get on the horn to Nashville and upgrade me?”

Colin:

You can tell a lot about a movie based on how its Southern sheriffs behave. We like Buford T. Justice; we don’t love J.W. Pepper. But then, Jackie Gleason kind of wins at things.

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No one saw that?

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“Okay, well, you know what? I was hoping to do this the smart way, but-”

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“Fun way’s always good.”

Colin:

Oh, so she’s bad, then. What…uh….why’s her face still fucked up if Extremis fixes stuff?

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“Hey, hot wings, you wanna party? Come on, you and me, let’s go.”

Colin:

He called her “Hot Wings,” which I approve of.

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What was that? Tossing the coffee?

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Colin:

No. No. The kid hits the bad guy with a snowball and makes him miss his shot?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Who the hell is defending this movie as compared with the second movie in this moment? I’m keeping score. Iron Man 2: Mickey Rourke hangs two men. Iron Man 3: Superhuman gunman thwarted by a child with a snowball.

The answer is somewhere in between.

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Colin:

Who’s this reclining asshole?

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“Crazy, huh?”

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“Yeah.”

“Watch this.”

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I’m Tony Stark and welcome to Jackass!

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Good thing the guy stopped firing.

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Colin:

Why did the score just go Danny Elfman Batman all of a sudden?

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We’ve all had that one girlfriend.

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Colin:

Ever been fire-banged by a former amputee?

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Okay.

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Colin:

That was kinda hot.

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Colin:

Why doesn’t she break any of his bones? Seems simple and it would be an effective insurance policy to ensure that he didn’t try anything. Why does nobody ever consider bone-breaking?

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I’ve slept with a few of those.

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Colin:

How does he do this? She’s a superhuman!

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Just burn down the only diner in town.

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Colin:

Her clothes don’t burn off because this is a family movie about terrorist murder-suicides.

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“You walked right into this one – I’ve dated hotter chicks than you.”

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“A cheap trick and a cheesy one liner?”

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“Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography.”

Colin:

I love autobiography titles. Maybe We Were Always Assholes.

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Is this supposed to be redemption for Chad Davis?

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Colin:

What a white woman face. “Wait…what?”

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Nope. Not a chance.

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3,000 degrees Celsius. I don’t think we’re done yet.

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All right, maybe we are.

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Now where’s Arnie gonna climb?

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Colin:

SUPER confused about why this guy thought that was a good idea. He’s been standing there for the past 30 seconds, heating up the leg of a water tower. Which, there goes this town’s only eligible spot for Will Smith to have water sex.

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He flew 2,000 miles just to be covered in water again.

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This franchise loves destroying small towns.

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“Hi, kid. What would you like for Christmas?”

“Mr. Stark, I am so sorry.”

“No, no no, I think he was trying to say I want my goddamn file.”

Colin:

If he doesn’t kill the child, I won’t respect these bad guys.

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“It’s not your fault, kid. Remember what I told you about bullies?”

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Christmas card.

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Colin:

Of course he had the bully thing. And he was competent enough to not fuck it up. Right.

How did he know what it would do?

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“You like that, Westworld? That’s the thing about smart guys. We always cover our ass.”

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Colin:

He had that up his sleeve this whole time and didn’t use it when he was about to be fire-raped by that woman?

Compare this to him shooting the watermelon in the last movie. The face is just not the same.

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So did that burn your hand like Joe Pesci in Home Alone?

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“You’re welcome.”

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“For what? I miss something?”

“Me saving your life.”

“A) saved you first. B) Thanks. Sort of. And C) If you do someone a solid, don’t be a yutz. Just play it cool. Otherwise you come off grandiose.”

“Like you?”

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“Admit it. You need me. We’re connected.”

This is the greatest movie ever made.

“What I need is for you to go home, be with your mom, keep your trap shut, guard the suit, and stay connected to the telephone, because if I call, you better pick up.”

So he’s not living in the garage when mom’s home?

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“You feel that? We’re done here. Move out of the way or I’m gonna run you over.”

Colin:

See how none of this is at ALL acceptable and how even though he’s almost gotten a child killed, he still expects the child to work for him? He’s not even a Chinese orphan! AT LEAST DRIVE HIM HOME FROM GROUND ZERO.

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“I’m sorry, kid. You did good.”

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“So now you’re just gonna leave me here, like my dad?”

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“Yeah.”

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“Wait, you’re guilt tripping me, aren’t you?”

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“I’m cold.”

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“I know. I can tell. You know how I can tell? Cause we’re connected.”

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Colin:

Man, it’s a good thing the bad guy was driving an Audi, too. Otherwise the product placement might have been messed up.

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Colin:

A bunch of his head was missing. Does that shit grow back MEMORIES too? (Does It Erase Her C-Section Scar?)

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Thank god. Someone needed to shut THOSE assholes up.

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Colin:

“What happened to the picture?” That thing that’s happened like 8 times now.

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Is that the bar we were just at? Do they not care about the diner explosion that just happened? Or is this another random bar? Because that’s probably not the smartest thing to cut to after we were just in one.

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See that? No title telling us where we are. You’d be surprised how logical that usually isn’t.

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“Is the President getting this?”

Colin:

Why are they cutting to the VP and not right to the president? Unless it’s one of those where the VP is in on it and we need to see his face so we recognize him. Goddamn it, it’s that, isn’t it?

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Good thing they waited to record until after the action went down.

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“Mr. President, only two lessons remain.”

Colin:

Terrorists always say “Mr. President.” Why not start with, “Hey, asshole!”

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“I intend to finish this before Christmas morning.”

Well, at least we have a timeline for when he’s gonna do it.

Also, that means the climax is on Christmas Eve?

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“Meet Thomas Richards.”

Colin:

I’m not going along with this unless he follows it up with, “His boy, Elroy! Daughter Judy! Jane, his wife!” That’s a pretty efficient theme song, when you think about it. And the Judy part taught me how sassy trumpets often imply easy women.

“Good, strong name. Good, strong job. Thomas here is an accountant. For the Roxxon oil corporation.”

Colin:

Of course he’s an oil guy. It has to be an oil guy because even though the Mandarin isn’t an Arab, he seems to hang out with them, and Marvel deals in vague associations rather than build a real story. Sort of like what the newspaper clippings looked like in Iron Man 2 or what all the computer screens looked like in The Avengers – when you look more closely, it’s not really stuff that has substance, but when you view it in aggregate, it’s supposed to make you think of something. And here, 80 percent of the target audience is going, “Oh, he’s an oil guy? RIGHT! Cause…terrorists hate us! Cause….oil, and stuff!” And that’s why this clearly non-Arab character has already been seen in a beige setting with Arabs firing AKs into the air (not a good day).

At least the name is consistent. Roxxon is the oil thing that was in the first one. I remember pointing it out and asking if that was a real thing or a nod to a company in the comics. So they kept the name the same, which is something, I guess.

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Thomas looks like a little whiny bitch.

“And I’m sure he’s a really good guy.”

Colin:

ARE we sure he’s a really good guy? What if he’s a total scumbag who just cries a lot? Crying isn’t necessarily the sign of a good guy.

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“I’m gonna shoot him in the head.”

Great sentence.

“Live on your television in 30 seconds.”

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“The number for this telephone is in your cell phone. Exciting, isn’t it? Imagining how it got there.”

Yeah, it is.

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“America, if your president calls me in the next half minute, Tom lives. Go.”

Colin:

What do you do, call him up? That doesn’t make any sense. And don’t be a moron – if that phone has the number, he has some kind of access. He can either use some sonic weapon (would NOT be a first for this series) or BLOW IT UP in the middle of an airplane. The number is on the screen, so how about using a different phone and just typing it in manually rather than hitting the button?

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“How did he hack my phone?”

That’s a Pakistan country code.

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He strongly advises him not to make the call.

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So… maybe the traitor is someone in your office. Because they got a hold of your phone.

Colin:

What’s going to happen to terrorist broadcast messages once everyone’s switched to Netflix?

I honestly have no cable at all, and my TV is only hooked up to Netflix and Playstation. So there’s a 100% chance that if this actually happened I would not even know it happened until it started trending.

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Colin:

Hah. That was cold. I like that he didn’t do anything, he just wanted the president to make the call so he could remove any semblance of power on that side of the table.

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Colin:

This is a waste here. This is what movies could do better. Why cut to everyone being shocked? We know it’s shocking to everyone, so you don’t have to jump from random bars to Air Force One to the TV station like we’re watching The Truman Show or something. Just leave it on Kingsley as he stares silently at the camera for like 10 seconds and don’t move the camera. That’d be so much freakier.

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“There’s just one lesson left, President Ellis. So run away, hide, kiss your children goodbye, because nothing, not your army, not your red, white and blue attack dog can save you.”

Colin:

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife?

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“I’ll see you soon.”

Maybe that should tip you off about what the last lesson is gonna be.

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“Tell Rhodes find this lunatic right now.”

Colin:

“Go get that random colonel from weapons development and the corporate liaison office whose name I inexplicably know and tell him to singlehandedly save the country from an all-powerful terrorist.” Nah, that’s not fair. He’s the Iron Patriot. That’s how he knows his name. It’s still ridiculous, though.

They tracked the signal. Possible point of origin in Pakistan.

Nice continuity.

Colin:

Of course it’s Pakistan. It’s always Pakistan. I’m watching you, Pakistan. 

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You’re driving.

Colin:

Audis: So good, you can read classified government documents while driving at night.

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Also, that’s eyes only. How’d his mother get it?

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Really?

Colin:

It’s a crying shame how often symmetrical letters have provided plot twists in stuff.

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“Don’t move.”

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“Uhh – hang on a second.”

Colin:

Why would the ringer buzz outside of the suit?

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“You ever have a chick straddling you and then suddenly she’s glowing form the inside out? Kind of a bright orange?”

Yes.

Colin:

This is why the world hates us, by the way. Cause we bust in all gung-ho and then act the fool. America: Busting in all gung-ho and then acting the fool since 1776.

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“Yeah, I’ve had that. Who is this?”

Who the fuck else would it be?

“It’s me, pal.”

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“Now, last time I went missing, if I remember correctly, you came looking for me. What are you doing?”

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“Lil’ knock and talk. Making friends in Pakistan. What are you doing?”

Colin:

Making friends in Pakistan? Nobody makes friends in Pakistan. Not even Pakistanis.

“Your redesign, your big rebrand, that was AIM, right?”

“Yeah.”

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“I’m gonna find a heavy duty com sat right now. I need your log in.”

“It’s the same as it’s always been. WarMachine68.”

Colin:

WarMachine68? Why not WarMachine69? That feels like a line that they wrote to make us THINK of 69 and laugh, but also not be 69, cause kids.

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“And password please?”

“Look, I gotta change it every time you hack into it.”

“It’s not the 80s, nobody says hack anymore. Give me your log in.”

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Colin:

Not laughing at my shoulder gun dick, are you, Pakistani?

“WarMachineRox. With an x. all caps.”

WARMACHINEROX

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“Yeah, okay.”

“That is – so much better than Iron Patriot.”

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Colin:

Look what Audis can do. *runs out and buys audi*

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Yeah, boy!

Colin:

A pageant. Shoot me in the face.

For the record, I am interested in what every single one of these ladies has to say.

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“What would you like for Christmas?”

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And then she gives this whole big treatise on world peace and raising the minimum standard of living, but I didn’t want to type it all out, so we’ll just ogle her body.

Colin:

“Well Day-vid…” I’m amazed she was able to wrap her mouth around such a Jewish name. That accent is the very sound of stupid.

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Colin:

He’s in Chattanooga? Where’s the choo choo?

Did you not just see it on stage?

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That’s his cameo?

Colin:

Stan Lee’s looking for a Tallahassee handshake from one of these young ladies. You know, a Chattanooga choker. Bashful in Nashville. Some slummery in Montgomery. Yeah, that’s all I got. Southern…sex stuff.

Pretty much all I got is a good Mason Dicking line.

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“That ain’t gonna cut it.”

I originally wrote that I was running on that speed now, but that site exists, and I just went there. I’m actually running double that.

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“Excuse me, sir. I don’t know who-”

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“Shh.”

Iron Man 3 - 1151

Colin:

We need ANOTHER sidekick? That’s who this is, right? Let’s just have a collection of asshole sidekicks. The kid, the local news cameraman, one of the pageant bimbos, just whoever at this point.

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“Mom, I need to call you back, something magical is happening.”

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“Tony Stark is in my van!”

“No he’s not.”

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“Can I just say, sir – I am your biggest fan.”

There’s a rule writers have — don’t make your audience have to ‘buy’ too many things in a movie, otherwise they’re just gonna tune out.

How long ago did we set that on fire?

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“Okay, first, is this your van or is anyone else gonna come in?”

“No, no, no, just us.”

Colin:

I’m never sure if I should be happy to hear that we have the van to ourselves.

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“Right here is fine. I get a lot of this, it’s okay.”

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“I don’t know if you can tell, but I patterned my whole look after you.”

Colin:

What are the chances? He gets engineer kid who can knock out superhumans with snowballs and the local news guy from Tennessee who worships him. This guy’s headed for a padded cell.

Iron Man 3 - 1161

And that.

Iron Man 3 - 1162

“A Hispanic Scott Baio.”

Yup.

Colin:

I actually thought it looked like a 2000s Chris Cornell.

“Oh, I’m sorry, is that me?”

Iron Man 3 - 1163

“Yeah, I had them do it off a doll that I made. So it’s not like it’s off a picture…”

Colin:

Couple of questions. First, couldn’t you get a picture pretty easily? You know what, let’s skip the rest of the questions.

Iron Man 3 - 1164

“Listen to me, okay? I don’t want to clip your wings here, we’re both a little overexcited. I got an issue. I’m chasing bad guys, trying to grab a little something from some hard crypt data files. I don’t have enough juice.”

He needs him to do some shit.

Colin:

On one hand, you never want male hero-worshippers. One the other hand, it’s nice to be able to give orders to perfect strangers.

Iron Man 3 - 1165

“All right, it’s a mission. Tony needs Gary.”

“And Gary needs Tony.”

Colin:

And Colin needs Johnnie.

“Be quiet about it.”

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Iron Man 3 - 1167

So all he had to do was steal some internet from the other vans?

Iron Man 3 - 1168

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Colin:

Hacking in, yes, yes. This is boring.

Iron Man 3 - 1171

Iron Man 3 - 1172

Iron Man 3 - 1173

Still don’t really get how Extremis has your shit grow back, and perfectly.

Iron Man 3 - 1174

Look at that fucking haircut.

Iron Man 3 - 1175

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“Once misfits, cripples. You are the next iteration of human evolution.”

Colin:

What do you know? A reveal that we’ve been waiting for someone else to get for about 45 minutes now. They really spilled the beans early and then tried to scoop some up for subsequent spills.

Iron Man 3 - 1177

Iron Man 3 - 1178

Iron Man 3 - 1179

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Iron Man 3 - 1182

Iron Man 3 - 1183

Iron Man 3 - 1184

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Shitting pose.

Iron Man 3 - 1186

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Colin:

Is that not Aaron Sorkin? Look at that guy and tell me he’s not Aaron Sorkin’s double.

Kinda Val Kilmer too.

Iron Man 3 - 1188

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Iron Man 3 - 1191

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“A bomb is not a bomb when it’s a misfire.”

Colin:

“Sometimes I talk to myself in case a bunch of audience members are kindergarten dropouts.”

Killian sold that shit to the Mandarin.

Iron Man 3 - 1193

Iron Man 3 - 1194

Colin:

Steve Rogers, still at the gym. They don’t have a TV there.

Iron Man 3 - 1195

“Fun fact, before he build rockets for the Nazis, the idealistic Werner von Braun dreamed of space travel. Do you know what he said when the first V2 hit London? ‘The rocket performed perfectly. It just landed on the wrong planet.’”

Colin:

This is the most interesting conversation we’ve had so far in this movie. Nazi scientists starting as idealists and still seeing the beauty in terrible creations that are really just perversions of the dreams they once had. That’s poetic for Marvel. And yet, here we are 68 minutes into this movie, and we haven’t really gotten that from Guy Pearce. All we’ve gotten is that he’s pissed off at Tony for snubbing him.

And things his dad sad.

Dad’s say the darndest things.

Iron Man 3 - 1196

“See, we all begin wide-eyed, pure science. And then the ego steps in. The obsession. And you look up – you’re a long way from shore.”

Iron Man 3 - 1197

“You can’t blame yourself Maya. You gave your ideas to a think tank.”

“Yeah, but Killian built that think tank on weapons contracts.”

And what do you think he was doing when he went to Tony?

Also, weapons contracts? In this universe, does that mean Hammer? Since everything and everyone is connected?

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“That’s what we used to do. So don’t judge yourself.”

Colin:

“Don’t beat yourself up over all the terrible things that you’re almost directly responsible for.”

“Thank you, Pepper. I really appreciate that.”

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Lesbian shit?

Iron Man 3 - 1200

Room service.

Iron Man 3 - 1201

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NECK SNAP!

Iron Man 3 - 1203

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“Hi, Pepper.”

Colin:

This franchise and domestic violence imagery.

Speaking of which, where’s Bruce Banner right now? Probably breathing somewhere without TV. Where’s Nick Fury? Where’s SHIELD? Is this supposed to be taking place at the EXACT same time as Captain America 2? Cause if so, I sorta get that, but it’s also weak that nobody’s on it at all. And that none of the other Avengers show up. Maybe Banner, Barton, someone. Fucking SOMEONE.

This makes me feel ridiculous, now calling for more universe shit in this movie, but it’s like I’ve said before during this franchise: if you’re going to link shit, LINK SHIT. Even if Marvel people are saying stuff like, “Trust us, SHIELD and the rest of the Avengers are busy at the moment, and it’ll all be explained,” what remains inexplicable is why nobody has even wondered aloud where they might all be in this movie.

Once you’ve kicked us face-first down the Marvel universe rabbit hole, you can’t just pretend that this is a standalone as we wipe the Marvel rabbit shit off our faces.

The weird thing about Banner is — he’s obviously not hiding, since the post-credits scene. So he’s just kind of avoiding things, but around.

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“So you wanna tell me why you were in Stark’s mansion last night?”

Iron Man 3 - 1206

“I’m trying to fix this thing. I didn’t know you and the master were gonna blow the place up.”

Why is she acting like Kingsley is part of it?

Colin:

So she’s bad, or what?

Iron Man 3 - 1207

I love that reaction. Pepper… just don’t.

Colin:

I’m not going to pretend that I’m not enjoying Pepper’s predicament just a little bit.

Iron Man 3 - 1208

Anyway, now Stark has an incentive. They can use him.

Iron Man 3 - 1209

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WIPE!

Iron Man 3 - 1211

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Sending coordinates to Rhodes.

Colin:

Iron Patriot seems to have great flight tech and plenty of weapons. This movie just has our hero sucking.

Iron Man 3 - 1213

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A HA HA HA. Forever 21.

Iron Man 3 - 1217

I want to liberate people with my shoulder gun dick.

Iron Man 3 - 1218

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“Unless the Mandarin’s next attack on the US involves cheaply made sportswear, I think you messed up again.”

Again? Why is the government inept in this franchise?

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“Yes, you’re free. If you weren’t before.”

Iron Man 3 - 1221

Colin:

This is how Americans like to think we’d be treated after threatening a room of innocents with a shoulder gun dick.

Iron Man 3 - 1222

‘Iron Patriot on the job.”

Iron Man 3 - 1223

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OH SHIT.

Colin:

Yeah, this movie is not really stunning us with the reveals, is it? Even the second movie did better and it didn’t need a whole lot of reveals.

Iron Man 3 - 1226

An Extremis Extremist?

Iron Man 3 - 1227

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Now they have the armor.

Colin:

Did she incapacitate the suit with just that hand? I don’t get it, did she short everything? Can’t he still shoulder gun dick her?

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“You want this suit, you’re gonna have to pry my cold, dead body out of it.”

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“That’s the plan, colonel.”

And that’s the END OF PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV and the greatest reveal in the history of cinema.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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One response

  1. BlueFox94

    About why no Avengers or SHIELD aren’t in this film…I was always confused by, if these were meant to be individual hero movies, why would the Avengers or SHIELD be in this film?

    Then I realized…these aren’t “individual hero movies” anymore. Placeholders for the next Avengers film, for the most part.

    So Marvel spent the Phase One individual hero movies having everyone in everyone else’s movies and annoying the heck out of us for doing so. And now that we know why everyone’s connected, Phase Two isolates Iron Man and Thor in shitty films, but rebounds (slightly) with Captain America 2 and (more so) with GotG, which has become the Prisoner of Azkaban of the MCU imho for somehow making a better film with a better story from a side quest than the rest of the films following the main storyline. (Iron Man, of course, is still number one just for having RDJ’s Iron Man).

    Damn, Marvel really doesn’t know how to sort out their priorities.

    June 3, 2015 at 2:27 pm

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