Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man 3 (2013), Part IV — “Like Home Alone, But in Reverse and With Several Offenses Worthy of Indictment”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man 3.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Iron Man 3.

We begin Part IV on the road again.

“Tell me what’s happening, give me a full report.”

Colin:

The kid’s back.

“I’m still eating that candy. Do you want me to keep eating it?”

“How much you have?”

“Two or three bowls.”

“Can you still see straight?”

“Sort of.”

“That means you’re fine, give me Jarvis.”

Colin:

He’s eating candy. There’s a sugar rush joke for all of us under the age of 11. I’m waiting for that moment in this movie when he says something so dumb I have to leave and buy alcohol. That was the toughest thing about doing the Twilight movies – just getting up to go buy more booze to keep going. If you go back to those articles – Breaking Dawn Pt. I, I think, I even wrote in a four-hour booze break when things got too awful. And that’s how this blog continues. Fun with Franchises: Brought to you by C2H6O.

“Jarvis, how are we?”

“It’s totally fine, sir. I seem to do quite well for a stretch and then at the end of the sentence I say the wrong cranberry.”

Colin:

A stupid word joke, because “cranberry” is a funny word.

This is one of those lines where I can appreciate it for having been more interesting than your basic line, but on the other hand, it’s also really manufactured, because why is it at the end of the sentence? It’s clearly only for the joke.

That’s kind of my feeling about the movie as a whole — I can enjoy it on a basic level more than the other movies, because there’s a focus on dialogue and having fun with certain situations, but the minute I invest any thought into it, it becomes horrible.

Oh, and he pinpointed the Mandarin’s broadcast signal.

Colin:

Now notice that once they’ve gotten the joke out of the way, JARVIS speaks normally.

“What are we talking? Far east? Europe? North Africa? Iran? Pakistan? Syria? Where is it?”

Colin:

Why list all those places, if he has the location? He knows JARVIS has the location, but he lists all the places WE think it should be (‘we’ being the audience who need their food chewed for them) so that the reveal lands harder. Here’s a MARVELous idea – write like people would talk and act.

“Actually, sir, it’s in Miami.”

MIA. Get it?

Colin:

Miami. Oh man, I bet Miami Vice could take care of this. Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx taking down the bad guys. I want THAT version of this movie. I’ve made it very clear on this blog that I have great affection for that movie. I’ll defend it all day because it’s probably the single coolest movie of the last 20 years, by which I mean that Michael Mann took every shot and shoved it full of cool shit. And when one shower sex scene wasn’t enough? TWO SHOWER SEX SCENES. Go-fast boats, dancing in Havana…that movie was fucking awesome. And yet, I totally understand why it has a 47% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Seriously, if you’re going to watch one movie from 2006 about undercover cops…oh, well that’s The Departed. But if you’re not in the mood for that (which probably means you watched The Departed twice this week already) and you still need a 2006 undercover cop movie that’s cool as all fuck – Miami Vice.

The Devil Wears Prada is the other 2006 undercover cop movie that’s cool as fuck.

“Okay, kid, I’m gonna walk you through rebooting Jarvis’s speech drive, but not right now.”

Why reboot? He said one cranberry wrong.

“Harley, where is he really? Look on the screen and tell me where he is.”

Oh, you think he’s malfunctioning because the terrorist is in the country.

“It does say Miami, Florida.”

“Okay, first things first, I need the armor. Where are we at with that?”

“It’s not charging.”

Colin:

But Jarvis is back and he could probably call out your 40 other suits that are just chilling in your basement. And anyone trying to put a bandaid on this one — you can’t say that they couldn’t get out until the rubble is cleared because we see later that he has a giant suit with drill things on it and they all pack enough firepower to level Minneapolis. Even if that WAS a reasonable explanation, we haven’t even heard him say, “Gee, I sure wish I had those 40 suits. Too bad they’re all out of reach for some reason that can be fixed later.”

“What’s questionable about electricity? All right. It’s my suit, and I can’t – I’m not gonna – I don’t want – oh god, not again.”

Colin:

He finds out the suit isn’t charging well and he has another panic attack? The whole middle portion of this movie is just a mound of shit. Steaming.

“Are you having another attack? I didn’t even mention New York.”

“Right, and then you just said it by name while denying having said it.”

Christ man, get some klonopin and shut the fuck up.

I just said that about Tony Stark.

That’s what this franchise has become.

“Oh, god, what am I gonna do?”

“You’re a mechanic, right?”

“Why don’t you just build something?”

“Okay.”

What, that’s it? All that PTSD, and “Okay”?

Colin:

I’m torn, because, I hate the kid, and I hate that they’re “connected,” but I also hate the panic attacks. It’s kind of like Hitler being defeated by Stalin. You’re like, “Great! That’s over. Oh, but…now this.”

Guitar kicks in. There’s a montage coming up.

Before we begin – where did you get the money to pay for all of this?

I mean, sure, you have money, but did you have it on you when your house was attacked? Do rich people ever have money on their person? Did you bring a credit card with you? Or is this the type of situation where you can go, “Hey, I’m Tony Stark, I’m good for it”?

Colin:

He’s going shopping. Does he have a credit card? Does the person see who he is? Does the card company get an alert that he’s spending money a long way from where he lives? For most card companies, this would be an immediate fraud alert. Unless he’s carrying enough cash for two shopping carts’ worth of shit.

I guess we’re about to find out.

Also, that image is kinda what this movie is. Some real special fertilizer.

Colin:

He’s going old-school. I kinda like that, although I’m not super into how they got him here. Also, is he not even going back to CHECK on the suit?

“It’s not charging? Well shit, maybe I’ll just buy stuff and make it.”

TONY STARK BUILT THIS IN A GARAGE IN TENNESSEE! WITH A BUNCH OF HOME DEPOT ITEMS!

Not the same ring to it.

Seriously, how’d he pay for all of that?

Colin:

How is he not setting off all kinds of alarms, walking in there with visible wounds, sunglasses at night, a hat AND a hoodie, and buying up a bunch of shit that probably appear on anarchist websites and crazy online terrorist manuals? Are you stupid? Those websites are also dumb, because you’re really just teaching stupid people to make weapons. The smart people could figure it out.

Is that a bed? Did he check into a hotel with all this shit?

And did this all happen over the course of a DAY? He lands at night. The kid makes him a sandwich and he tinkers. They go to the bar. Chad Davis’s mother conveniently is waiting for someone. Crazy action. Kid’s mom is working at the diner, which is apparently part of the destruction, and never once checks on her son or her daughter during all of this. And then Stark takes off in the car to… do something. Read the file, I guess. And then he figures out AIM and stops to hack into a news van. And then keeps driving and has a panic attack and then this happens. Not really sure why he was taking off or what was going on. Never explained, or at least not well enough, because I didn’t pick up on it.

I guess the suit just started charging again on its own? Or was the kid fucking with him? Do we even care? Because he calls the suit later and it comes. And also, I guess it’s running on electricity now and not the arc reactor.

This is Skyfall.

Oh… you were doing so well!

Colin:

Oh, AND enough cash for gas to Miami in a performance Audi sedan. Also…Miami establishing shots featuring a performance Audi sedan driving on a causeway. This could be lifted from The Transporter 2 and none of you would be any the wiser. That movie had this EXACT shot.

Nice house.

Colin:

Binoculars in the bushes. When Marvel goes Harriet the Spy.

This is how video game levels start.

“Peekaboo, I see you.”

Is a line he said in Tropic Thunder.

Which you will be reminded of in sixty seconds.

Some security they have.

Are these guys really that attentive all the time? I feel like that guy would be sitting down or something. Who’s coming onto this property 98% of the time?

So are these fatalities?

Colin:

Really, bro? You’re being paid to guard a high-profile target and you pick up a foreign object that rolls toward you?

How’d he rig that to explode?

Colin:

It’s sort of like Home Alone, but in reverse and with several offenses worthy of indictment.

Tropic Thunder. Remember the opening when he’s running and shoots the guy behind his back?

If I had a nickel for every time I had a white woman passed out on my dining room table…

“Why is it so hot in here? I told you to put it at 68.”

“Let me tell you something, sweetheart, I am not your personal-”

She seems fun.

Colin:

Drugged white women. You take home the prize for least fucks given. Seriously, everything is a joke.

You guys running Avid or Final Cut?

What do terrorists edit on? I bet they’d use that in the advertising. Any respectable company would.

Colin:

There’s a bed. Hopefully women are in it.

This should be a sign for everyone. He’s about to find the Mandarin, yet he’s in the bedroom about to throw off some sheets. Clearly not the Mandarin as people are expecting.

If I had a nickel for every time I woke up and Tony Stark was pointing a gun at me…

Colin:

Women were in it! Ew, flush.

“Well, I wouldn’t go in there for twenty minutes.”

Colin:

Yay, Ben Kingley’s British again.

Colin:

Wait, what if one of the girls is the real bad guy? You never know. That’d be like, the perfect cover.

“Now, which one of you is Vanessa?”

Vaness-ah. I love the way he says that.

“Did you know that fortune cookies aren’t even Chinese?”

This part is amusing to me. Say what you will about the reveal, but Ben Kingsley’s character here is amazing. Spouting off all the bullshit they tell him to say as fact to women.

“There’s some guy right here.”

“They’re made by Americans. Based on a Japanese recipe.”

Colin:

Cocaine’s a hell of a drug.

“Hey!”

“Bloody hell, bloody hell.”

“Don’t move.”

“I’m not moving. You want something, take it. Although, the guns are all fake, because those wankers wouldn’t trust me with the real ones.”

So was that guy not shot in the head?

“What?”

“Hey, do you fancy either of the birds?”

Colin:

What a curious way to refer to women.

Tuppence a bang.

“Where’s the Mandarin? Where is he?!”

“He’s here, but he’s not here.”

“What do you mean?”

Colin:

Wait, no. Killian isn’t The Mandarin. This guy’s either stupid (in which case, fuck you, Marvel) or lying. If he’s lying, I’ll be pleased with him and angry at Tony.

“It’s complicated – hey – it’s complicated.”

“Uncomplicate it. Ladies, out.”

Did they get paid?

“Sit.”

“My name’s Trevor. Trevor Slattery.”

“What are you? You’re a decoy? You’re a double, right?”

“What, you mean like an understudy? Absolutely not.”

“Don’t hurt the face! I’m an actor.”

“You got a minute to live, fill it with words.”

“Just a role. The Mandarin – he’s not real.”

“Then how did you get here, Trevor?”

“Well, uhh – I umm – a little problem with substances. And I ended up, doing things –”

“No two ways about it. In the street, that a man shouldn’t do.”

“Next!”

“Then, they approached me about the role. And they knew about the drugs.”

“What, they said they’d get you off them?”

“They said they’d give me more.”

Fair enough.

“They gave me things, they gave me this palace. They gave me plastic surgery. They gave me things.”

The idea is interesting. It’s just a let down in a way because again we find out everything is fake and pointless.

I do appreciate a guy falling asleep, mid-conversation.

“Did you just nod off?”

“No! And a lovely speedboat.”

Didn’t miss a beat. “No!”

“And, the thing was, he needed someone to take credit for some accidental explosions.”

So he’s aware that he’s taking credit for incredibly illegal things. So he is complicit, albeit stupid.

When they arrest him later, are they charging him with the murder of that guy? Did he actually kill that guy? He said the guns are fake, but were they lying to him? Did he actually kill that guy?

“Killian?”

Nice old phone.

“Killian?”

“He created you.”

“He created me.”

“His think tank thinked it up.”

Colin:

Think tank thinked it up. That’s a better line than most of Marvel gets or deserves.

“The pathology of a serial killer. The manipulation of western iconography. Ready for another lesson?”

I love how easily he slips into the voice. That’s terrific.

“Blah, blah, blah.”

“Of course, it was my performance brought the Mandarin to life.”

“Your performance? Where people died?”

“No. Look around you – costumes, green screen. Honestly, I wasn’t on location for half this stuff.”

Colin:

Green screen. The disdain with which he says that is ironic, given the franchise he’s working in.

“When I was, it was movie magic, love.”

Colin:

Now, I can’t imagine we’re not supposed to think Jack Sparrow with that.

“I’m sorry but I got a best friend, he’s in a coma and he might not wake up. So you’re gonna have to answer for that. You’re still going down, pal. You understand?”

So Rhodey’s not a best friend? Because pretty sure your best friend wasn’t invited to your Avengers party and Rhodey was.

Also, did we just forget about Phil?

Colin:

Oh, he’s back and now’s the time when our hero is captured, cause that has to happen in lots of hero movies.

“Okay, Trevor – what’d you tell him?”

Who cares? Aren’t you gonna kill him?

“I didn’t tell him anything.”

“Nothing?”

“No.”

Ben Kingsley is the best.

Colin:

I like Ben Kingsley. I dislike this movie, but I like Ben Kingsley. And I still love Downey, over all.

“You should have pressed the panic button.”

“Well I panicked, but then I handled it.”

Colin:

Me with roaches. Well, I don’t know if panic is the word. I swear a lot. Pretty sure the first time I see it is always, “Oh, you motherfucker.” And then I always instinctively go to ‘cocksucker’ but that’s too close to ‘cockroach’ so I come up with something else in the moment.

Lotta wipes here.

This is turning into Revenge of the Sith.

“Just like old times, huh?”

“Oh yeah. With zip ties. It’s a ball.”

“It wasn’t my idea.”

“Okay, so you took Killian’s card.”

Colin:

Funny how all of a sudden the characters remember even minor details from something that happened while wasted, 13 years ago. Remember how in Iron Man, when it was only like 7 years prior, he couldn’t even remember what the conference was? But now, for the sake of dialogue, he remembers the cards in the elevator.

“I took his money.”

“And here you are, thirteen years later. In a dungeon.”

Colin:

She IS bad. That’d be better, if she was The Mandarin. Wait, she’d have to be half Chinese. Whoa, ready? Half-Chinese female arch-enemy? Yeah.

“No.”

“Yeah.”

“No, you’re in a dungeon.”

Nice logic.

Colin:

What’s the distinction? You’re both in a dungeon. He’s just stuck in the dungeon.

“I’m free to go.”

“We’ve come a long way, Tony. Extremis is practically stabilized.”

“I’m telling you, it isn’t.”

She said practically.

“Then help me fix it.”

“Did I do that?”

“Yes.”

“I remember the night, not the morning.”

“Is this what you’ve been chasing around?”

Colin:

He helped her fix it? I don’t get it, did he make it better, and that that’s why AIM has achieved what they have? Or is it still incomplete and she’s still looking for the rest of the equations because she’s not able to build this in a cave?

“You don’t remember?”

That must hurt. That he doesn’t remember practically fixing your formula and you’ve been working nonstop at it for 13 years.

“You used to have a moral psychology. You used to have ideals. Wanted to help people. Now look at you.”

How do you know she had all that? You met her once and banged her.

“I get to wake up every morning with someone who still has their soul.”

Colin:

That’s cold, when you sleep with a girl and then tell her 13 years later that she has no soul. I love doing that. It gets you slapped, but it’s super worth it.

Plus… redhead. I’m gonna call bullshit on that last statement.

“Get me out of here.”

“You know what my old man used to say to me?”

No, but how did you get those scars?

“One of his favorite of many sayings. ‘The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.’”

Colin:

I’m not at all interested in this villain. Like, at least Mickey Rourke was a crazy Russian who fed vodka to birds. I can understand that.

We all can.

Colin:

What development of this villain have we really had? We’re 80 minutes into the movie and we met the villain 2 minutes in – somehow there’s been almost no solid development over the course of those 78 minutes. The entire running time of Force of Evil, and we’ve yet to experience one valuable character development on the part of our main antagonist.

The real thing to take away from this is — just watch Force of Evil.

“You’re not still pissed about the Switzerland thing are you?”

“How could I be pissed at you, Tony? I’m here to thank you.”

Among other things.

“You’ve given me the greatest gift that anybody’s ever given me. Desperation.”

For the first 20 minutes on the roof, he thought he’d show up. After that, “I considered taking that one step shortcut to the lobby. If you know what I mean.”

The elevator?

“Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out what happened to the first mouse.”

Colin:

Wasn’t that Chris Walken’s story? He had a nefarious blimp. Well, not in Catch Me If You Can. The IRS would have been all over that.

I don’t think the mouse story had cheese. I think that was him sticking the mouse up his ass for two years.

“But as I looked out over that city—”

Yes, few vistas more beautiful than Bern at midnight.

“Nobody knew I was there, nobody could see me. Nobody was even looking. I had a thought that would guide me for years to come.”

“Anonymity, Tony. Thanks to you, it’s been my mantra ever since. Right?”

How is that what you took from this? “Man, I’m ugly and crippled. I should not be the face of this and just get money anonymously.” Okay.

That’s the abused spouse smile.

“You simply rule from behind the scenes.”

“Because the second you give evil a face…”

You were planning evil from the start? Are we just gonna gloss over that?

“Bin Laden, Gaddafi, the Mandarin – you hand the people a target.”

Colin:

So Guy Pearce is basically explaining to us how he’s a nerdier, shittier version of Ra’s al Ghul.

But seriously. He was trying to recruit Tony into an evil plot back then, but it was funny, because he was a nerd.

“You have met him, I assume.”

“Yeah, Sir Laurence Oblivier.”

“I know he’s a little over the top sometimes. It’s not my fault. He’s – a stage actor. They say his Lear was the toast of Croydon, wherever that is.”

Colin:

Not a bad American accent on Guy Pearce. I’m just furious that Ben Kingsley was used as a prop. I know that Marvel was patting itself on the back, and allow me to say, Marvel: fuck you.

“The point is – ever since that big dude with the hammer fell out of the sky, subtlety’s kind of had its day.”

Colin:

He mentions Thor, and that’s the first we hear about other members of the Avengers. I guess that speech Sam Jackson gave about how they’d all be around in case something turned up…that’s didn’t exactly pan out.

“What’s next for you in your world?”

“Well, I wanted to repay you that so same gift that you so graciously imparted to me.”

“Desperation.”

And not anonymity?

I’m confused as to what’s going on right now.

“Now this is live. I’m not sure if you can tell. But at this moment, the body is trying to decide whether to accept Extremis or just give up.”

Which is actually more in line with Walken’s mice story.

“And if it gives up, I have to say, the detonation is quite spectacular. But until that point it’s really just a lot of pain.”

Colin:

Just blow her up. Can we just blow her up?

“We haven’t even talked salary yet. What kind of perk package are you thinking of?”

What? You still wanna hire him? Why? You already gave her the Extremis. What incentive could he possibly have to work for you?

“Let him go.”

Colin:

NOW she finds her conscience?

“Hold on…. Hold on.”

“Maya…”

We’re talking here.

Also, magic dick. This is how Bond operates. He makes one speech about the soul and all of a sudden she changes tune.

“I said let him go.”

She’s gonna kill herself. With 1200ccs. Of what? No idea. But apparently half of that can kill her, so who cares what it is? I’m gonna assume it’s Hulk jizz.

Colin:

Kinda. This is yet another attempt at the super soldier serum. Erskine started more problems than he solved with that stuff. Which is also why it’s weird to me that they didn’t focus a bit more on Tucci and how he got it right and why it was so impossible to replicate.

“It’s times like this my temper is tested somewhat.”

“If I die, Killian, what happens to your soldiers? What happens to your product? What happens to you? What happens if you go too hot?”

Does she keep him stabilized? I’m not really sure what she’s saying. This hasn’t been developed enough for me to care. Also, what soldiers? We haven’t met any of them yet.

Head tilts are never good.

“The good news is, a high level position has just been vacated.”

Colin:

A HAH HAH. That’s the correct answer to any threat like that. You threaten to kill yourself? How bout I help you out with that?

These faces are pretty great.

Colin:

That’s a great ‘betcha-didn’t-see-that-one-coming’ face.

Colin:

I’m glad. She got what was coming to her.

Great death scene.

“You are a maniac.”

I was expecting monster. But you could still see that coming.

So what does this mean? He killed her because he assumed Tony would work for him? Or has he just gone villain crazy because that’s what happens once the plot is almost foiled? I’m not really sure.

“No, I’m a visionary. But I do own a maniac. And he takes the stage tonight.”

Colin:

Who’s his maniac? You know what, I’m not even paying attention at this point.

They’re going over the plan.

It’s great and all, but there’s still someone inside the Patriot.

Colin:

For whatever reason, they need the Iron Patriot.

I guess it just doesn’t work anymore. For whatever reason.

“Hello, Colonel.”

“We’ll get you out of there.”

You’ll also destroy the suit.

“You’ll damage the armor.”

What? Logic?

Colin:

And for whatever reason, Rhodes is still online with full HUD but is unable to shoot or do anything. How’s that work?

“Yes I will. But you can fix it, right?”

That’s your bluff?

Colin:

So they’re going to break through the armor….I’m checked out. What are they talking about? And bringing Potts. And Phase 2, which has been used before to reference a SHIELD weapons program and is now being used to describe a stage of viral progression. Cause stuff needs to sound a certain way and we wouldn’t want to have to come up with any new phrases.

Alarm.

Colin:

Does the watch explode?

“Careful there, it’s a limited edition.”

“Hey, Ponytail Express, what’s the mileage count between Tennessee and Miami?”

“832 miles.”

“Very nice.”

“I’m good like that.”

Colin:

Well of course he is. He’s Ponytail Express.

“Can you stop that?”

“You break it, you bought it.”

Colin:

It does not.

“I think I bought it.”

“Okay, that wasn’t mine to give away. That belongs to my friend’s sister. And that’s why I’m gonna kill you first.”

Colin:

Wait, where was the sister all this time? Dad left, mom’s never home, and we don’t see the sister. Are we sure this isn’t a deranged child living alone?

He just said he’s gonna kill a guy.

“What are you gonna do to me?”

“You’ll see.”

“You’re zip tied to a bed.”

“This.”

Colin:

More tricks that don’t work.

“That.”

“Are you coming out?”

“Do not open, do not open! All right, let’s go.”

Colin:

The suit opens like Tony’s new suits do….did Tony make him a newer version of the suit so he could be flashier?

Also looks like his ribs are on fire.

GPOY

Also, what the fuck?

Colin:

Breathing fire sucks. Actually, this whole power is just less desirable than Wolverine, really. It’s like Wolverine, but with more heat. Which sucks.

Right?

“You breathe fire? Okay.”

“It’s a glorious day.”

This is how I look after I breathe fire.

“By this time tomorrow, I’ll have the world’s most powerful leader in one hand, and the world’s most feared terrorist in the other. I’ll own the world on terror. Create supply and demand. For you, for your brothers and sisters.”

Monologue much?

Colin:

Thanks for explaining the whole thing for us, dickbag. He runs the president (I’m still waiting for confirmation – is it the VP?) and the terrorists, so he has supply and demand of his product. So basically…a rehashed version of the plots from Tomorrow Never Dies and/or The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Two movies I wouldn’t recommend borrowing too much from in terms of script.

“Trust me, you’re gonna be in a puddle of blood on the ground.”

“In five, four, three – COME ON! – two.”

Colin:

He has to look like an idiot for a while, cause that’s what this movie requires of him.

“How did we get this shift?”

You guys have shift?

I am fascinated by this. I want the terrorist movie where they’re figuring out the schedule. Availabilities. “Steve, you can’t put in that you can’t work Friday nights. That’s unfair to everyone else.”

“All right, I’m gonna give you a chance to escape. Put down your weapons and tie yourselves to those chairs. I’ll let you live. In five, four – bang.”

“Wow, that was –”

“You should be gone by now.”

“I am just beyond terrified.”

“Here it comes.”

“Three, four –”

“Shut up.”

“Five four three two-”

“Told you.”

Colin:

Just so we’re clear, that hand covered 832 miles or so (why that random henchman knew that…) in about a minute. That would put the speed of those little parts of suit at about 50,000 mph, or about 2.5 times the orbital speed of the space shuttle. If those other parts are just now on their way, a more reasonable (but still TOTALLY UNREASONABLE) speed of about 1,000 mph would get them here in about 50 minutes. So hunker down and catch an episode of Mad Men, I guess.

Was the watch telling him it was charged and ready to go? What’s the range on those things in his arm, by the way? So much logic was just abandoned.

“Where’s the rest?”

Can travel 832 miles in a few minutes but can’t get past barn doors.

Colin:

The kid sees his family’s barn door wrecked and the score goes Danny Elfman Batman once again.

Why didn’t this win Best Picture?

Colin:

Attention children: STOP LOOKING UP AT THE SKY AND SMILING.

Colin:

See, this is better. More of less of the suit.

I really have nothing to say about any of this. Because what can you say?

Colin:

I’m also unclear on how the arc reactor works. He was down to like no power, and since then….has it recharged? Does it recharge? He has a leg and an arm, but they’re not plugged into his reactor…so how are they powered? How do they have the energy to fly 832 miles without the arc reactor? Remember when that powered everything?

“Honestly, I hate working here. They are so weird.”

Colin:

That was trying too hard to be funny.

That’s a Shane Black line.

Colin:

The suit gets here after like…two minutes. So yeah, each of those parts was doing like 25,000 miles per hour. That’s only like…10 times faster than the fastest planes.

“Better late than never.”

“Not the face!”

So it can just click on like that?

“It’s good to be back.”

“Hello, by the way.”

“Well hello, sir.”

So his speech is just fixed?

Colin:

Sorry, who has Iron Patriot now? I wasn’t super…paying attention to that.

Why are you guys wearing watches?

“Let’s go.”

“Aww, crap.”

Colin:

ALL HIS SHIT JUST FLEW 832 MILES! HOW THE SHIT CAN THE SUIT NOT FLY?

The Plot.

TALLY HO!

Colin:

This looks like a shittier 90s version of the embassy compound that Daniel Craig broke into in Casino Royale.

“Rhodey, tell me that was you in the suit.”

“No. You got yours?”

“Uhh, erm… kind of. Main house, fast as you can. Somebody I’d like you to meet.”

GPOY

Colin:

Bikini clad bitches playing ping pong? What is this place? How can I have that?

“Get out!”

“Room is secure. I have eyes on the Mandarin.”

You have eyes on Trevor. Why are you calling him the Mandarin? In case the NSA is listening?

“What’s this? I had winner.”

Smooth.

That’s how you wake up.

Colin:

Finish the beer. That was a gratuitous shot for the audience’s benefit and I will take the absolute shit out of it.

“What have you come as?”

“You make a move, I break your face.”

“I never thought people had been hurt. They lied to me.”

“This is the Mandarin?”

“I know, it’s – it’s – it’s embarrassing.”

“Hi, Trevor. Trevor Slattery.”

“I know I’m shorter in person, bit small. Everyone says that.”

“But, hey, if you’re here to arrest me, there’s some people I’d like to roll on.”

Colin:

And yet…you guys fucked up Ben Kingsley so much. This hurts me to watch. This really hurts. Fuck up Mickey Rourke all you like, but when you make Ben Kingsley an amazing villain and then unmake him, I’m upset. And for those of you who are like, “Oh, it’s just classic misdirection,” that’s a bunch of shit. Misdirection would have been acceptable with a less awesome actor. Now you’re just fucking with us and it’s not appreciated.

“Here’s the thing, Meryl Streep. You tell him where Pepper is, and he’ll stop doing it.”

“Doing what?”

“Oww, I get it! Oww that hurt! I get it, I get it!”

“I don’t know about any Pepper, but I know about the plan.”

“Spill.”

“You know what they did to my suit?”

“What? No. But I do know it’s happening off the coast, something to do with a big boat. I can take you there.”

“WHOA!”

“Ole, ole, ole, ole!”

Colin:

Yeah, this is fucking with my Kingsley.

“Tony, I swear to god, I’m gonna blow his face off.”

“Oh, and this next bit may include the Vice President as well. Is that important?”

“Somewhat.”

“Yeah, little bit.”

“So?”

“What are we gonna do?”

“We don’t have any transport.”

“Hey, Ringo – didn’t you say something about a lovely speedboat?”

Colin:

This is what happens, 32 years after Gandhi.

Oh god.

Colin:

Tony Stark: gets his armor from 832 miles away in 2 minutes, leaves in a speedboat.

“He’s right about the location. We’re 20 minutes out from where Pepper is.”

This might be the worst exposition in the movie.

But also the most classic movie form of action movie exposition.

“Look, we also have to figure out this vice president thing.”

What? Did you really wait until just now to go over everything?

“Yeah. I wonder who I’m calling right now. Oh, that’s the vice president.”

Colin:

Calling the VP, because they haven’t figured out like I did half a movie ago that this is about him being a bad guy. Remember when it went to the VP just to get transferred to Air Force One? That doesn’t happen unless he’s a bad guy. Just…no.

What exactly do they need to figure out? I’m confused.

“Sir, this is Tony Stark.”

“Welcome back to the land of the living.”

Not “How the fuck did you get my number?”

“We believe you’re about to be drawn into the Mandarin campaign, and we gotta get you somewhere safe as soon as possible.”

“Mr. Stark, I’m about to eat honey roast ham, surrounded by the agency’s finest.”

He’d make a good Bogart.

“The President’s safe on Air Force One with Colonel Rhodes. I think we’re good here.”

“Sir, this is Colonel Rhodes. They’re using the Iron Patriot as a Trojan horse.”

That’s a terrible way to bring that up.

“He’s on the plane with Colonel Rhodes.” “Not exactly, sir. This is Colonel Rhodes. Do something.”

He’s gonna have security lock it down. They can have F-22’s in the air in 35 seconds.

Colin:

Hah. Like there aren’t 10 agencies monitoring that call right now.

“Everything okay, sir?”

“Couldn’t be better.”

He really would make a good Bogart. Look at him!

“I love you, baby.”

Oh, shit, son. Compromised!

Is no one aware of this going in?

Colin:

Why does his child randomly have no leg? What vice president’s child randomly has no leg? And if he’s only doing it for the love of his child, wouldn’t he be conflicted and jittery? Or at least resolute about taking care of her but regretful about the actions necessary to do it?

I hate being conflicted and jittery.

But also, I feel like he’s totally clean in all of this. He just gets the job and Killian pays him and makes the decisions. That’s cushy. That’s like being Bush and Killian is Karl Rove and Cheney combined.

Colin:

You totally don’t show up in that airspace like that.

It’s Miami.

“Colonel Rhodes, glad to see you could make it, son.”

Was there a possibility of him not making it? Would the plane have taken off without him?

“I feel safer already.”

And it’s not suspicious that the mask isn’t down? And that he hasn’t said anything?

Colin:

He doesn’t say anything. You usually wait to get an answer from your metal soldier before escorting him on board Air Force One. Especially in a franchise where a bunch of these suits have been either hijacked or fucked up. Also, how did they not call the president?

Or ANY of the people in the military that Rhodes knows.

IS THIS HOW YOU LIAISE?!!!

What’s the weight on that suit? Can the plane sustain that?

Colin:

The weight is no problem. These suits weigh next to nothing, depending on what part of which movie you’re at. But are we not still talking about how he normally speaks and this time they’re just going with it? Also, what’s to stop him from killing everyone here and grabbing the president that way? Why do movies always have to attack presidents? Presidents are mostly cool.

“We have to make a decision. We can either save the President or Pepper.”

Colin:

So they’re setting it up like The Dark Knight? Rhodes is going to save the president. This should be a moment where his duty has to override their friendship. He’s a military man. He needs to save the president and Tony needs to figure out SOMETHING to save Pepper.

“Sir, I have an update from Malibu. The cranes have finally arrived and the cellar doors are being cleared as we speak.”

Colin:

NO. You don’t have to wait for the cellar doors. You have a motherfucking Sandslash Iron Man suit in there with huge drills and they could easily blow the rubble off the top of them anyway. They also didn’t show him even MENTIONING the rubble and all the other suits til now. Fuck you for this.

“And what about the suit I’m wearing?”

“The armor is now at 92%.”

“That’s gonna have to do.”

Colin:

Seriously? I don’t even leave the apartment with a 92 percent charge on my phone.

I wish I could like this shot more.

Colin:

You want a selfie with that?

“Man, Colonel Rhodes is an asshole.”

Colin:

I hate that this series had to be ruined with powers. I know it’s connected to the rest of Marvel, but I prefer that the Iron Man movies be limited to robots and suits and geniuses and shit.

How’d he get his hand out of that?

“Everything all right, Colonel?”

Colin:

They haven’t even asked him a straight question up to this point.

War Machine on Air Force one with the Wrench.

That’s a really shitty harpooned face.

There’s a face.

You have a shoulder gun dick.

Colin:

How does he get his fat, metal fingers into the trigger?

Are those books?

“Shit!”

“It is an honor, Mr. President.”

“If you’re gonna do it, do it.”

“Cool your boots, sir. That’s not how the Mandarin works.”

Colin:

They still use his title and ‘sir’ and stuff. Not sure I love that.

First off — he doesn’t say, “Who the fuck are you?” Second, you just gave away that you’re working for the Mandarin.

Air Force One’s been compromised.

Colin:

They’re only just now getting info on this? What the hell have they been doing? Do they get alerts via text message?

At least he didn’t say, “Get me Colonel Rhodes on the phone.”

Are you not trying to shoot that down?

Nice touch with the hat. Implies he killed the pilots and also can be used as a disguise, of sorts. Not that we don’t already know he’s gonna be on like a hundred agency cameras on the way down, and they’ll for sure register him as a soldier.

Weird that Tony’s playing the stealth game.

What a waste of a good plane.

Colin:

Weren’t these guys soldiers? What does this say about veterans with disabilities? They’re all dicks who would gladly sell out their country and murder the president if it meant regaining the limbs they lost fighting for that country and under that president? Did anyone explain why they all signed up for this illegal program and now do heinous things for a treasonous ass despite their years of service?

That is true. They just become evil bastards once they get their limbs back. They must have been capable of this beforehand. Extremis doesn’t change you. It just — whatever the fuck he said. Upgrades them. Unless he fed them some story about how their country abandoned them or whatever. Kind of like the soldiers in The Rock. Though even then, most of them were mercenaries, and only a few actually were there for ideological reasons.

This suit isn’t coming apart during all of this.

“The President?”

“He’s not here.”

“Try the Jetstream.”

Don’t you have a chest beam?

“Speaking of which – go fish.”

Well that plane’s no good.

There we go.

He never saw Venice.

Colin:

Shot through the heart…maybe he could have thought of that earlier. Which, does that only work because the blood is how the power gets around? And if so, wouldn’t wiping out his head also kinda do that? I forget if the heart just keeps going regardless.