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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Iron Man 3 (2013), Part V — “An Orgy of Laziness”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Iron Man 3.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Iron Man 3.

Iron Man 3 - Title Card

We begin Part V with some sort of weird neon IV.

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Colin:

I like your nurse’s uniform, guy.

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I guess things are about to get pretty… hot and heavy.

“Hi.”

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What if he just stood there for like, eighteen minutes, and didn’t say anything?

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“You think he’s gonna help you?”

Who, Santa?

Colin:

Hah. I forgot Pepper was in this movie. 

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“He won’t.”

Because he’s Jewish?

What is Killian?

Is he of the Stratford Killians?

I know Reginald. Good stock.

Colin:

Being a New England WASP-y sort with Mayflower roots, I should really have a better idea of what it means when someone is referred to as “good stock,” but I honestly just think of how tasty the broth would be if you boiled their bones.

What are those guys in the back doing? How can you get work done with this creepiness happening behind you?

Iron Man 3 - 1789

What if he went real close and just said, “FUCK YOU!”

“Having you here is not just to motivate Tony Stark. It’s actually more embarrassing than that.”

He’s gonna breathe fire up her cooch?

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“You’re here as my-”

“Trophy.”

No. His revenge against the band Coldplay. He fucking hates falsetto.

Colin:

I have no idea what’s happening in this scene. Is he in love with her? He is, right? But she’s supposed to come around all of a sudden? Is this supposed to be some weird Lion King thing?

Also, why her? Rebecca Hall is way better than her.

Iron Man 3 - 1791

Meanwhile…

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How did they program that to do that? Do they have Jarvis? Did they hack into it when they rebranded it? Because you could have stolen that at any time if you did.

So how did you make that go right here without the president being able to do anything to stop it?

Colin:

Any explanation about how they hacked in and took control of the suit so that it would do what they wanted, like flying places and walking in here? They just assume that it would do that, but this is the US Air Force model. I’m betting it would have fewer of Tony’s new autopilot AI tricks, for security reasons. But whatever, it’s just a badass that does whatever the fuck we want it to do, I guess.

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“Good evening, sir.”

Iron Man 3 - 1795

What, they open the same way?

Colin:

See? Why would that work like that unless Tony was upgrading shit for them the whole time?

Iron Man 3 - 1796

I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!

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“Welcome aboard, Mr. President.”

What’s the point of Pepper being here? She’s just looking around like an imbecile.

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“Ever hear of an elephant graveyard?”

Yeah, I saw The Lion King.

Colin:

Wait, the president showed up and he mentions an ‘elephant graveyard.’ IS this a weird Lion King thing?

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Colin:

“Look at me. I’m Captain America now.”

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Well apparently this was the elephant in the room. Spilled a million gallons of oil into the ocean.

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“Thanks to you, not one fat cat saw a day in court.”

Colin:

I love how everyone blames the president for everything that goes wrong like he just decides shit, and the red state moviegoers are like, “Yeah, that sounds right.” Like the president got this news and said, “A million gallons of oil? No, that’s cool. No, tell everyone to send those poor oil execs home. Someone make them a grilled cheese, too. I’m the president, dammit.” Cause that’s how America works.

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“What do you want from me?”

Well now I want an explanation for that. That’s pretty fucked up. “You let a bunch of oil execs free.” “So what do you want from me?”

Iron Man 3 - 1804

“Uhh, nothing, sir. I just needed a reason to kill you that would play well on TV. You see, I’ve moved on. I’ve found myself a new political patron, and this time tomorrow, he’ll have your job.”

Colin:

Who could that be? Who would get the president’s job if the president gets killed? Oooh, the suspense is KILLING me!

Is it Ben Kingsley? I’m not… super paying attention right now.

Also, how come no president made the joke, “We all have our vices”?

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I wish I could feel like this wasn’t CGI.

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Total video game shit, though.

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“You’re not gonna freak out on me, right?”

“I hope not.”

That’s comforting.

Also, either address it or don’t. Don’t half ass this shit.

Iron Man 3 - 1809

It’s always surprising, yet probably realistic, when people can just sneak around villainous operations this easily.

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That must be super uncomfortable.

If you’re gonna set me on fire, don’t make my arms lose all the blood first.

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Didn’t he say he was gonna kill him on TV? Is Kingsley getting ready to act now? How does this whole thing work? Can they just hack the TV at a moment’s notice? There has to be some sort of signaling going on.

Colin:

Is this just to make a statement? Why is he in the suit? Why can’t he just pull the shit apart, because we see in a few minutes that this shit is TOTALLY operational. Yeah, surprise, Admiral Akbar. How much does the president suck that he can’t use this operational suit to shoot himself down or at least pull the chains off?

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“He’s strung up over the oil tanker. They’re gonna light him up, man.”

Colin:

Tony should think about zipping up his hoodie. That arc reactor isn’t a super great thing to have shining from your chest as you infiltrate places.

“Viking funeral. Public execution.”

Colin:

Viking funeral? Oh man, let’s all turn this off and watch The Vikings.

“Death by oil.”

More like death by fire, made excruciating by oil.

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Ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.

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Yeah, flirt with the edit girl.

Colin:

This young woman is totally cool that she’s the AV chick for a presidential assassination. Just think of all the attention Zapruder got. And she’s way bigger and better. What if she’s like, his granddaughter and trying to do some new, feminist presidential assassination footage? Diablo Zapruder, or something.

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Maybe not the best thing to have your company logo on a presidential assassination.

“We interrupt this assassination to bring you a word from our sponsor.”

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“Is your gun up?”

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“Yep. What do I do?”

You wave it around and say the pledge of allegiance. What the fuck do you think you do?

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“Stay on my 6, cover high and don’t shoot me in the back.”

Colin:

I guess they really needed him outside the suit for a while in this series.

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“Oh damn. You mean they got guns too?!”

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Colin:

Oh shit yes. This is like the end of Resident Evil 5, the game. Played the shit out of that. Love that game.

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“Did you see that?”

“Yeah, you really killed that glass.”

“You think I was aiming at the bulb? You can’t hit a bulb at this distance.”

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Colin:

Nice shot, although…y’all are basically fucked. Great thing we saw some random shit take off from Tony Stark’s basement a few minutes ago.

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“I’m out. You got any—”

“They’re not universal, Tony.”

Coulda fooled me.

“I know what I’m doing, I make this stuff. Give me another one.”

“I don’t have one that fits that gun.”

“You got like, five of ‘em.”

Colin:

I make this stuff. That’s sad, cause he really doesn’t know. It’s funny, but it’s pretty pathetic that he didn’t know about bullet sizes and stuff.

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“Here’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna spot. Ready?”

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“What you see?”

“Too fast. Nothing.”

Very Shane Black thing to do.

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“Three guys, one girl. All armed.”

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Colin:

We never see these people in the light. They’re worthless characters. They’re not characters. They’re just random people who flash onscreen for a few seconds and have their faces made orange in editing. It’s pretty bad when your final fight features random superhumans with less audience recognition than the goddamn new vampires at the end of Twilight: Eclipse.

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Do bullets affect them? Maybe some rules would have helped.

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“I’d kill for some armor right now.”

“You’re right, we need backup.”

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“Yeah, a bunch.”

“You know what?”

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“Is that?”

“Yup.”

“Are those?”

“Yep.”

Conveniently timed.

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OH YEAH.

Colin:

Oh no. They’re showing up now because whatever, I guess we were supposed to have forgotten about them this whole movie. No way he could have gotten them any earlier. People are going to say to me, “Oh, come on. Just accept the little plot hole for the sake of the total movie.” You know, I’m willing to do that, if the plot hole facilitates a movie I want to watch. This was a plot hole that left our favorite character high and dry and riddled with annoying neuroses for the duration of the film. If the result of a plot hole is a shittier plot, plug the hole.

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Colin:

Yeah. This is where the movie officially goes off the deep end. Cause Tony in ONE of these suits is supposed to wreak havoc, and now there are going to be dozens. And I’m assuming a LOT of them need to die for the battle to continue to draw the audience in. And that’s kinda weird, cause all of them are just suits without Tony inside.

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I like the zig zagging stairs.

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“Merry Christmas, buddy.”

That’s his present? That’s a pretty shitty present. He can’t even use them.

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“Jarvis, target Extremis heat signatures. Disable with extreme prejudice.”

That includes Pepper.

Colin:

This is an orgy of laziness. They decided to just add more to make us happy, even though it’s not Tony. This is like General Grievous with the four lightsabers. Not a fan. Don’t just add more and expect that to cover it. This is so Marvel. It was more interesting when he only had bits of his suit on and was working with that.

This is another sequence that’s great in theory that’s only just pretty good in execution.

But with Marvel being what it is — I think I might be okay with great in theory. Because I can’t count on them to execute enough judge them on that.

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Jarvis should really have these suits prepared enough to destroy these people. They have extra abilities, but they can’t fly. So just take them out from a distance. You have complete tactical advantage right now.

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“What are you waiting for? It’s Christmas.”

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“Take ‘em to church.”

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Why would you have a suit do that?

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Colin:

What…what’s with this armor? They just throw random designs at us.

Samurai armor. This is exactly what Age of Extinction did.

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This is funny, out of context.

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So that can be done.

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Remember how later these things all have self-destruct capabilities? Blow it now.

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“Jarvis, get Igor to steady this thing.”

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Colin:

Igor? The big one is IGOR?

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Colin:

And yet, that’s NOT the Hulk Buster armor.

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“This is how you’ve been managing your down time, huh?”

“Everybody needs a hobby.”

Those are some really close bullet holes to have missed entirely.

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“Heartbreaker, help Red Snapper out, will ya?”

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They know their own names.

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Colin:

Suits getting DOWNED. What if that had been Tony?

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Barrels.

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A HA HA Just like Maggie. Too bad she wasn’t in the middle of a sentence.

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“Nice timing.”

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“Oh yeah. That’s awesome. Give me a suit, okay?”

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“Oh, I’m sorry. They’re only coded to me.”

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“What’s that mean?”

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“I got you covered.”

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Colin:

You’re telling me Rhodes can’t at least get IN one?

Yet the president was able to get in the other one.

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“Good evening, Colonel.”

Jarvis can talk outside the suit?

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“Can I give you a lift?”

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Oh, well that’s pretty awesome.

Colin:

Big dick drill arm JARVIS, ready to rumble.

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Colin:

JARVIS used EARTHQUAKE! It’s super effective! This is basically Sandslash JARVIS.

Favorite Pokémon. Just FYI, everyone. Sandslash is my favorite.

Iron Man 3 - 1936

You guys look like a German Electronica band.

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Colin:

That’s Sandslash. Oh yeah.

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They found Pepper.

Colin:

Nice stock photo. (And when I say ‘stock,’ I’m thinking about the broth.)

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This is gonna be a pretty boring Part V. What can you say about this?

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Iron Man 3 - 1948

This is a shot usually reserved for villains.

Iron Man 3 - 1949

Colin:

What if she wasn’t accepted by Extremis and she was crushed and died and Tony went back to a womanizing asshole? Wouldn’t that be great?

Wouldn’t not this movie be great?

Iron Man 3 - 1950

“Stop! Put it down.”

Iron Man 3 - 1951

Iron Man 3 - 1952

“See what happens when you hang out with my ex-girlfriends?”

Yeah, I don’t know why she did that. That was fucking bizarre. Going off to a hotel with random chick he banged rather than going to the police or SHIELD. There is no fucking way that SHIELD doesn’t have LA people. And there is no way that they’re fully compromised by the events of Captain America 2 right now. Remember when they got Natalie to fucking Norway during Avengers? You can get Pepper somewhere. She’s a goddamn CEO.

Iron Man 3 - 1953

“You’re such a jerk.”

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Colin:

What is with the bad guys coming from below? There are several instances of this in franchises. Bad dudes popping up from under the floor or ice or whatever.

Did he know he was gonna be here? How did that work?

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“Is this guy bothering you?”

This would be a funny line… if we gave a shit about him.

Iron Man 3 - 1965

“Don’t get up.”

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Iron Man 3 - 1967

Phone home?

Iron Man 3 - 1968

“Is it hot in there?”

How is your watch still functioning?

Iron Man 3 - 1969

“Stuck? Feeling a little stuck? Like a little turtle?”

Colin:

Turtles are the shit. I went to Hiroshima and met a baby turtle. That’s my story.

Iron Man 3 - 1970

Iron Man 3 - 1971

“Tony.”

Iron Man 3 - 1972

“She’s watching. I think you should close your eyes.”

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Iron Man 3 - 1974

“Close your eyes, you don’t want to see this.”

Colin:

I like that he was that cold to Tony, like he was just going to end him in an ugly manner. That’s kinda freaky.

Iron Man 3 - 1975

Iron Man 3 - 1976

Good thing this one had a blade. Because that sure as shit was convenient. Like so much of this movie.

Iron Man 3 - 1977

Iron Man 3 - 1978

Iron Man 3 - 1979

Colin:

Did we see the blade before? Do all his suits have the same stuff? No, right? But he just remembered this one had blades? I guess that smarts, but he’ll Piccolo it back.

Iron Man 3 - 1980

I hope that wasn’t his jerkoff hand.

Iron Man 3 - 1981

“Yeah, you take a minute.”

Colin:

Isn’t it weird he built in a blade that long that doesn’t fold or bend at all? Seems like a lot of weight and unnecessary inflexibility, considering that this suit’s odds of having to do hand-to-hand slicing are low. Also, what happened to those lasers?

Iron Man 3 - 1982

So how does that work? It just melts away? That’s no longer a forearm anymore? And he can just grow one back and it’ll be a regular forearm again? Rules would be nice.

Iron Man 3 - 1983

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“Jarvis, give me a suit.”

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Colin:

Now she’s on a bullshit conveyor belt like in Attack of the Clones. Which also had Natalie, who’s now off not being in this franchise anymore cause Thor ain’t trying to get tied down.

Iron Man 3 - 1997

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“Right now!”

Colin:

Why isn’t a suit there right now? He should be able to call one with his arms or something. For that matter, why didn’t the others show up earlier?

Iron Man 3 - 1999

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Colin:

That one got taken out conveniently by enemies we don’t see. These new suits are basically Tinker Toys.

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Again, theory — good. Execution — could be better, but not the worst.

Iron Man 3 - 2011

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“Mr. President! Just hold on, all right, I’m coming.”

Colin:

Yeah, hang tight in the baller suit that is somehow incapacitated and not fighting for the bad guys even though they could have re-re-programmed it and just tied him up normally.

What is he holding onto? He’s strung up. Even if he gives up he’s still gonna be there.

Iron Man 3 - 2013

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Colin:

Terrence Howard wasn’t doing this shit.

Iron Man 3 - 2015

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Good place for a dance number.

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Colin:

Actually not a terrible shot. But I’d say…maybe just a little more light. Give us some proper silhouettes.

Iron Man 3 - 2022

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“Oh-kay.”

Did Tony not explain this to you?

Wait, you SAW him breathe fire. So this should not be surprising to you.

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Completely bizarre how these people betrayed their country.

And were soldiers for it.

Lotta Asian female covert ops, are there?

I’m not opposed to it, I’m just saying — the odds that there was one who also had a limb cut off and ended up here — probably not high.

Iron Man 3 - 2031

“Bye bye.”

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Colin:

I guess they just fall to their deaths and he’s cool. So much of this works out cause whatever.

Iron Man 3 - 2040

Yeah, you die in that.

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Sure.

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Yeah, okay. That just happened.

Iron Man 3 - 2050

“You look damn good, Mr. President.”

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“But I’m gonna need that suit back.”

Colin:

How was the president totally unable to use the suit? It isn’t immobilized or anything! He should have gone all badass in it. But Rhodes is totally getting some fancy medal for this. 

Iron Man 3 - 2053

Wasted potential for three planes of action.

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“The president is secure, Tony, I’m clearing the area.”

Which means you’re basically gonna peace. That’s essentially what he does. And leaves Tony to figure this shit out on his own.

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“Ready, sir?”

“What do you mean, ready?”

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Colin:

They couldn’t have gotten JARVIS to secure him? Like, have JARVIS hack into the Iron Patriot and just have him fly it away remotely?

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Yeah, that’s not far enough.

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Colin:

I wonder what Sam Rockwell’s doing right now. Hammer dancing, I hope.

Iron Man 3 - 2070

“Honey, I can’t reach any further and you can’t stay there, all right? You gotta let go.”

Or, you know, you could get another suit to help out.

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“I’ll catch you, I promise.”

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Colin:

Is this supposed to be the Elsa moment from Last Crusade but with more midriff?

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Well, you won’t have to live this one down.

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Chris Martin:

YES!!!!!!!!!

Colin:

Hope, An Image: Redhead is Red Dead

Iron Man 3 - 2081

His former assistant just died in a fire.

Technically I’m not incorrect.

Iron Man 3 - 2082

Colin:

Good that she’s not just back. I like that he gets to think she’s dead for a little bit, even though they’re going to bring her back like Carlisle from the last Twilight movie. Oh, and like 40 other people too.

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Aww, if only I cared this might mean something.

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TERMINATOR 2.

Not even music there. That’s fucking Terminator 2. Why is he just looking forward like that?

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“Shame. I would have caught her.”

Why? Do you stretch? That’s an awesomely dick thing to say, but seriously, how?

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Why are his clothes not smoking?

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Why are you wearing one of their tanktops?

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How come your hair isn’t affected?

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Wow, it was almost as if that was choreographed.

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Also, no you don’t. You don’t slide like that on that thing.

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Colin:

This only works with a shit ton of suits, which was totally coincidental. What if he’d been totally well-adjusted after New York and not made like 30 more suits? He’d be done in this fight! Are you saying that he was SUPPOSED to go through this pain to become stronger? Or that all things happen for a reason? No, fuck that.

Here’s what it is: comic books throw random shit out there that seems illogical at the time and then give you an ending that’s impossible without all those pieces in place. Like how Tony gets his suit inexplicably stolen in Iron Man 2, even though the dialogue shows that he could have stopped Rhodes from stealing it and didn’t want him stealing it, and then it’s the only reason he’s able to defeat the drones and Vanko at the end. They give you a shitty LEGO pile and you need every last piece to build the ending.

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How about you get the other suits to grab his arms and then Kali Ma him to death?

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Colin:

All of this action is too much because the other guys with Extremis are whatever and they started as soldiers. This guy was a dork.

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“Eject.”

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Convenience. Yet also I do enjoy this sequence.

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Still have no idea how this works.

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Colin:

There is nothing about any of this that looks good. We had the one ALMOST silhouette shot with Rhodes, and I’m struggling to think of anything else remotely worthwhile in the last 20 minutes of film.

The fact that it’s the last 20 minutes of the film?

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BITCH SLAP!

Colin:

Let me go on the record here and now as supporting rocket-propelled backhands.

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How’d that work? What kind of magician’s box is that suit?

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“Well here we are. On the roof.”

Like a couple-a assholes.

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“Mark 42 inbound.”

Did it just know to come? Did it put itself back together again? Did all the king’s horses and all the king’s men show up? How come they named a book All the King’s Men but didn’t name one All the King’s Horses? That seems like a good idea. If I keep talking like this will someone get a panic attack? That’s how it works, right?

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This shot is pretty funny to me. Him just laying on the ground.

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“I’ll be damned. The prodigal son returns.”

He told you it was inbound.

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This suit has a better arc than literally every character in the movie.

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“Whatever.”

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TALLY HO!

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“You really didn’t deserve her, Tony. It’s a pity. I was so close to having her perfect.”

Colin:

Why does his Tony rivalry start with the prank, become about business and end with him trying to steal Pepper? They couldn’t give him a single motivation, so they put all three choices back in the hat and then dumped the hat out on the table. He’s angered by Tony refusing to be cockblocked at midnight on New Year’s Eve! Then he’s mad that Tony and Pepper won’t partner with him on an incredibly unethical project! Then he turns out to be the guy who’s always idolized Pepper but mutates and kills her before invoking his superiority as a boyfriend during a fight on an exploding oil rig!

WHO THE FUCK IS ARGUING THIS IS BETTER THAN THE SECOND MOVIE? STEP UP NOW. I OFFER THIS AS THE MOMENT.

Here’s my argument — it’s not a better movie than the second one, but it is more fun to watch. Because it’s loaded with little character moments that are fun, like with Happy and Ben Kingsley going nuts, even though it’s ridiculous in context. That’s why I have such a weird relationship with the Iron Man sequels. One is an almost passable movie that’s pretty boring overall, and the other is relatively entertaining but a giant pile of garbage.

Colin:

I don’t think this is entertaining. There were no sequences in this movie as well-shot or entertaining as the Monaco fight. And those character moments you were talking about are probably more plentiful in Iron Man 2. I liked Mickey Rourke’s moments with Sam Rockwell, Sam Rockwell being smarmy and dancing. I enjoyed Tony more in that movie, from the Senate hearing to the drunk watermelon skeet shooting. I enjoyed Rhodey more in that movie. Favreau was in it way more and had all kinds of funny moments with Scarlett, including some titty watching. And we had Garry Shandling. This movie gives us a tiny bit of Favreau before putting him in a coma, no good villains, a bland Rhodey, a shitty, neurotic Tony, and a misused Kingsley.

Kingsley is still a net positive, but barely so, considering how little of him here is overall, and everything else sucks. I really think this movie loses on pretty much all counts. They’re both sub-par movies, but I have a lot more fun watching that one than this. I have difficulty looking at this movie in sum and coming up with the word “fun.”  Like, the only real action with him as Iron Man is the helicopter attack, which features him falling into the water and then flying away, and then this, which is a confusing sequence in the dark.

You can say that we also kind of get the Tennessee gas explosion — not Iron Man — and the freefalling scene, which was better in concept than it was in practice. But none of this has been fun. I try to look on the bright side with the Iron Man movies at least, and I’m convinced that people think this is the better sequel because it’s ‘darker’ and feels less conventional. I have no problem calling this a worse, more depressing movie.

I still enjoy it more than 2. I don’t know why. I just do. I find Iron Man 2 boring for me, and it has too much Avengers stuff. It’s a better movie by all accounts, but I’d still take this over it any day. I like that at least this is a Stark only story, and it has things that remind me of good Shane Black movies. I honestly just enjoy this movie more than the other one, and honestly more than about three… or maybe two… movies I’d rank above this in the “better overall movies” department.

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“Slow down – you’re right. I don’t deserve her. But here’s where you’re wrong. She was already perfect.”

Colin:

She was already perfect. Yeah, I’m gonna allow that as a tribute to someone we’ll all be badmouthing after the wake.

Yeah, no. That was a shitty line.

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So did he plan this, or is he just rolling with it? I can’t tell.

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“Jarvis – do me a favor and blow Mark 42.”

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“NOOO”

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Shut the fuck up, says the mask.

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So he told him to blow it, but then it put the mask on. Did Jarvis know to wait?

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Colin:

Nice way to kill him, with the suit on, but I have to say that it kinda sucks that he has like 30 suits left. Like, if that was the ONLY suit and he was using it to kill the bad guy, there comes a point where he has nothing. And he realizes that the suit is gone and Pepper’s gone and that he shouldn’t bring the suit back. It’s like he gives up on his last suit to blow up Killian, and then because he wouldn’t have six packs of Iron Man suits at home, that’s kind of a big deal because he’s officially without armor anywhere for the first time since the first movie. And he has to figure out how to go from there.

Which would be a way better story. Not that this movie is interested in telling a story. With arcs.

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I just want to point out, once more — Mark 42 actually does have a better character arc than everyone in this movie. This is the suit that goes through it all. Stark builds it, the first time we see him, he’s putting the things into his arm to try it. It’s the first suit we see. And it falls apart on him. Then it’s the suit in the bedroom with him and Pepper. Then it’s the suit that saves him and Pepper during the house raid. Then it’s the suit that’s with him in Tennessee, being dragged around. (I also realized that somehow that suit also opened up for him to jump out like the other suits when Jarvis went down even though this is the ‘piece together’ suit. Which is weird.) Then it gets fixed, and he calls it all the way to Miami. Then he uses it to save all the people on Air Force one. And now here it is, and it gets to heroically sacrifice itself, after all those malfunctions from before. This actually has a better arc than everyone in the movie, including Tony Stark.

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Yeah, sure.

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Colin:

All your arm bones, super broken.

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Remember how this is an oil tanker? And how somehow all that other oil that exploded didn’t spread?

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How is that rope still okay?

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Yeah, if you’re not dead, you’re gonna be feeling that for the next thirty-seven tomorrows.

Colin:

It’s a good thing he didn’t pull another one of those franchise moves and die from a broken heart or whatever. That’s Natalie’s thing.

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This is supposed to mean something.

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Did that give him the idea? Because that’s awful. Colin’s idea was better.

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Colin:

Doesn’t he have like 15 other suits still left around here that he can call? I don’t know why this had to turn into Saving Private Ryan with him here all alone staring at something.

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And now we’re just chilling here by yourself for no reason.

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Not even gonna ask how that one worked.

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“No more false faces. You said you wanted the Mandarin – well, you’re looking right at him.”

Colin:

How the shit are you alive? The whole suit blew up. What the shit.

And his hair is still fine.

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“It was always me, Tony.”

Colin:

Now he looks like Wesker at the end of Resident Evil 5. 

Why is he telling him he’s the Mandarin? We knew that. He explained the whole thing. Once Kingsley was a fake, who the fuck would it have been?

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“I am the Mandarin!”

And now the comic book people just turned on you.

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DO SOMETHING!

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Chris Martin:

FUCK!!!

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“I got nothing.”

Colin:

I also have nothing, except maybe ‘fuck you.’

Oh, I most definitely have “fuck you.”

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GREAT FACE.

There’s your Christmas card.

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“Jarvis, subject at my 12 o’clock is not a target. Disengage.”

Colin:

Actually, that’s a perfect win-win. JARVIS takes her out anyway, he gets to lose her twice and we have a happy ending.

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And yet it stayed in all before this?

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“What?”

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“Oh, what? Are you mad at me?”

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She can do that now, apparently.

Colin:

So, since when does some serum make you an acrobatic martial arts expert? She’s been the one who winces and cowers up until this point and now that she’s had some kind of injection, she can do flying punches.

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Colin:

Right, so she’s just all of a sudden better than all the career soldiers that these suits have been mopping up.

She’s a CEO.

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FREE HUGS!

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Colin:

And she kicks bullets off the ground? How are you getting your toes under that? Aren’t you scraping most of the flesh off your toes just to get near there? And how is she such a good shot? I hate that anger and a serum suddenly make her competent. You don’t become competent after a few days strapped to a board and falling to your death. I hate this ending. I hate this movie.

Yeah, no, I actually have no defense for this. This is terrible. The bunch of suits thing is good. Maybe combine that, because it’s fun, with him ending up with just the one, and then deciding to get rid of that — I can live with that. But her and the Extremis — honestly, take her out of this movie entirely and it’s better. I cannot defend this for a second. Because then they wipe it all away with a line.

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“Honey?”

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“Oh my god. That was really violent.”

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“You just scared the devil out of me. I thought you were-”

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“I was dead. Why? Because I fell 200 feet?”

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“Who’s the hot mess now?”

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“Still debatable. Probably tipping your way a little. Why don’t you dress like this at home?”

She must, unless someone else dressed her here.

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“You know, I think I understand why you don’t want to give up the suits. What am I gonna complain about now?”

This is how High Noon ended. “Fuck guns! … oh, but I just shot that dude and it was exhilarating, so… okay.” Plus Grace Kelly was given Extremis. That also happened.

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“Well, it’s me. You’ll think of something.”

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“Don’t touch me. I’m gonna burn you.”

“No you’re not.”

Why not? The Plot.

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“Am I gonna be okay?”

“No. You’re in a relationship with me, everything will never be okay. But I think I can figure this out.”

Colin:

They’re having that talk like, “Now we’re both super and both super messed up.” I hate all of this.

I almost said that I like this, but I don’t. I tolerate this, because I see how this is terrible, but also see how this could have been done better and right and been great.

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“I almost had this twenty years ago when I was drunk, I think I can get you better.”

This is the best explanation for any possible plot hole. “I’m a genius, and I almost figured it out when shitfaced. I got this.”

“That’s what I do. I fix stuff.”

Colin:

So he’s going to fix her, but she’ll always be a crazy fire person. Unless he can remove the Extremis from her entirely. In which case, maybe stop worrying about your girlfriend and get around to tackling cancer and AIDS and stuff.

I want to say that about someone. “She’ll always be a crazy fire person.”

Also, remember how he discovered a new element?

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“And what about your distractions?”

I thought you were okay with them as of like, a second ago.

“I’m gonna shave ‘em down a little bit. Jarvis?”

Colin:

Funny, I never saw him pick up his earpiece. But okay. 

“All wrapped up here, sir. Will there be anything else?”

What did he finish wrapping up? Was he going around, double tapping all the soldiers?

“You know what to do.”

Colin:

Why does he know this? Why would your first assumption be the protocol that destroys everything on the spot?

“The Clean Slate protocol, sir?”

House Party protocol, Clean Slate protocol — did he spend his days building suits and coming up with protocols? Is that what you did during siestas?

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“Screw it, it’s Christmas. Yes.”

I’m not sure this gesture means anything if you can just recreate them whenever the fuck you want.

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That’s like, super dangerous to be happening over your head.

And above an oil tanker that’s on fire.

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