Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor: The Dark World (2013), Part III — “Hey, My Wife’s Dead, Can I Borrow Your Boat?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor: The Dark World.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of Thor: The Dark World.

We begin Part III with a shot that’s been featured at least three times now in Fun with Franchises.

Like a cross between Natalie and Sean Bean.

Who also had AIDS.

Colin:

Have you guys seen Black Beauty?

Actually, that almost looks Cate Blanchett.

Kind of a waste of a nice pillow, though.

Colin:

I like the Viking burial. I mean, it’s an incredibly wasteful way to send someone off, but it’s classy as hell. Think about that for a second. “Hey, my wife’s dead. Can I borrow your boat?”

Can we please start saying that in all situations?

“Hey, My Wife’s Dead, Can I Borrow Your Boat?”

Aww, they gathered all the peasants.

I wonder how many of them are resentful for having to be here.

Then again, it’s not like they have Space Mad Men or whatever that they’re missing. I bet this is the most ruler action these peasants have gotten in a month. I bet they came for miles to see this.

So where does the body end up? Space? Just… the water? Not really sure how this planet works.

Why’d they cut to her? Does she feel responsible? Or did they have to cut to somebody?

Look at that random fucker in the back.

Colin:

This is why these articles exist. So you can look at these images and see that guy. Or the creepy guy across the street from Kristen Stewart’s house in Twilight. That shot is absolutely chilling, and you would never have seen it without Mike’s screenshots. Not because you didn’t pause the movie regularly; hopefully because you never watched that movie.

This would be a good way for Loki to escape.

Jake Sparrow-style.

This is not the “Mom’s dead” face. This is the “we’re in a cave and we saw something strange that’s probably a clue” face.

Also, where’s the blue shit, Natalie?

I bet he had mistresses. How could he not?

Isn’t it great they just cut the Asian guy out of this movie?

Gonna set that bitch on fire!

Colin:

That looks like a hot dog. I want to spit roast a hot dog. Also, remember the beginning of Gladiator and how boss that battle was?

The one thing I always am reminded of when I go back to Gladiator and that opening is that there’s randomly a dog in there. That dog kills it a little bit for me. Just because I remember it getting more screen time than it ought to and it felt manipulative.

Yeah, right, you hit that shit on the first try.

Colin:

Hell of a shot, random archer. Where were you when the dark elves showed up and started destroying everything?

When was the cue to set her on fire? Is there an agreed-upon point? Seems like that guy decided “okay it’s time,” and shot the arrow.

Was that on her face before?

Well that boat’s no good.

This is how I wanna go.

Colin:

Those on-fire shots from the side are also SUPER Star Wars.

Flaming body down a waterfall.

My grandmother went the same way.

Who are all those other dead people?

From the fight?

Or did they just have a backlog of dead people to burn?

And why do they get to go same time as her?

Colin:

Sometimes you have a major backlog of dead people to burn.

Colin:

Nobody ever really thinks about how the funeral goes after this point. Okay, on fire, in the boat…now waterlogged at the bottom of a waterfall, all mangled up on a rotten log. You just went from Return of the Jedi to Deliverance pretty fast. Sorry, I just imagined an Ewok telling Harrison Ford to squeal like a pig.

She becomes stars?

You gotta be Frigga killing me.

Colin:

Wait, she just got vaporized and sent into the air and the boat didn’t even come back! That was a perfectly good boat!

I’m Idris Elba and I wear contacts.

Colin:

Idris Elba is sad. Is there a racial thing with Viking burials? You think that when Idris Elba dies, they’ll be some bigoted dudes who don’t want him getting his own constellation or whatever? “Where you from?” “Vanaheim. You?” “Ria.” “See any action up there?” “Uh uh. Vanaheim?” “Same.” “Never rode shotgun on a Viking burial before.” Is there a job where I write parodies of my favorite classic movie scenes mashed up with obscure modern scenes?

What the fuck are those things? Are we in Tangled?

Colin:

What are these orb things? This is an elaborate funeral. Even Natalie’s Star Wars funeral didn’t take this long. 

Colin:

I guess someone told all the peasants about the ruler death.

Are they on Mustafar?

He doesn’t know.

So some rando told him and not his brother?

Colin:

So glad they did the Loki bit with no sound. They shouldn’t even have had the sound effects of the furniture hitting the walls. Though it looks now like he’s going to be on the good guy side, which I can appreciate. I want him around because nobody else is worth shit.

Wait, you didn’t tell me what city this is. How will I know?

Colin:

Ah, we’re back to Mexico City.

Colin:

Does anyone question why he knows the names or positions of the realms? Or why he spells them wrong? He spells Jotunheim as “yotumhiem.” Insanity excuses public nudity. It does not excuse spelling errors.

He’s giving a lecture.

2-1 it’s to either no one or a teddy bear.

Colin:

They didn’t know about the nine realms before and now, apparently, they’re easy to track and everyone can see them no problem.

He’s explaining the alignment.

Someone coughs. So it’s probably to a looney bin.

Colin:

He’s probably talking to people in an asylum or something, isn’t he? This shabby room, his clothes, his hair, and the fact that they don’t show us his audience. Is he going to be talking to a group of insane people like House?

His spikes can stabilize some shit. So it’s a useless plot point that’ll come in handy at the end. And we’re gonna get the “he’s crazy” punchline on top of it.

“Any questions?”

Colin:

Those pants are unfortunate.

Colin:

See how, when you watch enough movies, bad movie stuff is super easy to predict?

There’s Stan.

“Yeah, can I have my shoe back?”

Does Stan even know where he is during these cameos?

Colin:

Oh, Stan. What are you doing here? And why did your line delivery sound so much like Walter Brennan? That was weird.

Why aren’t there actors nowadays who sound like Walter Brennan? I’d put that guy in all the movies.

Colin:

That’s a scene? That was a scene, you guys. Like, seriously, I don’t know how we’re going to make it through this franchise…

Colin:

There’s that telltale shimmer, just like Predator.

He tells Malekith to regain his strength. “And when you awake you will kill them all.”

How nice. Keep him away from the plot long enough to set up for the climax.

This is fucking crazy.

Colin:

The black guy is telling him to take a nap. And that, again, was a scene. This ADHD must be addressed, because the scene jumping is seriously out of hand. I can only imagine the two editors in the cutting room, pounding Monster and clicking furiously. And they have massive erections.

Let’s look at the timing there for those last two scenes. Five seconds of establishing London unnecessarily. Nine shots over 54 seconds of Stellan talking. Five seconds of establishing the invisible ship. Then two shots over 10 seconds of the aliens talking before we cut to Natalie. So in less than a minute and a half, we’ve got 10 seconds of establishing shots for two different locations and 11 unique shots over two different scenes, one of which lasts for 10 seconds. Is nobody upset by this? Because you should be.

This looks like pre vis they didn’t bother to finish in post.

There is no Natalie, there is only Zuul.

Colin:

I bet Mila Kunis could get the Aether out of her.

Colin:

Hey, colors! An oasis in the shots desert.

“Jane Foster? You need to come with us.”

Colin:

Time for that Space C-Section.

Is she not gonna tell anyone about that hallucination? Or are these regular? Maybe don’t just show us things needlessly.

They’re defenseless.

Colin:

I thought Heimdall was able to see the ships. Isn’t that why he was able to get that first one?

“She’s your prisoner now?”

Colin:

He walks through the hologram like a dick, just so they could have a little sound of it being disturbed and show off their CGI. You don’t have to show off little stuff like that in a movie where crazy space battles happen. You can really tell when they’ve gone out of their way to try to make something appear more impressive.

Thor wants to go after Malekith.

“We possess the Aether. Malekith will come to us.”

“And he will destroy us.”

Why will he destroy you? What basis do you have for that? You fucked up his face and he ran away. Clearly you can handle him.

“You overestimate the power of these creatures.”

Wait, what? Did we swing entirely in the opposite direction? Now Thor is being too cautious?

Also, YES HE IS.

Colin:

Kinda weird that they went the other way this time. In a way, Thor’s being reckless by risking the weapon’s theft, but he’s only doing that to protect his people and avoid combat. Which is almost the polar opposite of where he was. So I have to say that I’ll accept this little conflict between him and Anthony Hopkins. That’s a bit of character development where there was none in The Avengers.

“No, I value our people’s lives.”

He wants to take Jane there. Malekith will pull it from her, then it’ll be exposed, and he’ll destroy him and it.

Which seems like a weird plan. “Let’s take the object into enemy territory, give it to him, and then I’ll take care of it.”

But if he fails, the weapon is in the hands of the enemy.

“The risk is far greater if we do nothing. His ship could be over our heads now, we’d never even know it.”

Doesn’t he know it can’t be destroyed? Maybe tell him that, and this conversation is over.

Colin:

Is he wounded or just old? Can he get in an Odin Nap? I still hold nap team meetings regularly. Had practice yesterday.

“If and when he comes, his men will fall on ten thousand Asgardian blades.”

“And how many of our men shall fall on theirs?”

“As many as are needed!”

Colin:

This is where the grief’s got the better of Odin and now Thor is the more clear-headed. I don’t actually hate this. I might be having a stroke, but in terms of character positioning, I don’t hate this.

And somehow Thor doesn’t realize that they greatly outnumber these guys. Odin is blinded by grief, but also is being smart on top of it. I’m not really sure why Thor is acting this way.

They’re gonna fight to the end.

“Then how are you different from Malekith?”

He can tan.

Colin:

Really wish I could tan. 

He laughs. That’s the way to respond.

“The difference, my son, is that I will win.”

Which is a great answer. How are you different from the villain? I’m gonna win. Would have been a good line in a better movie.

And how do they end this scene? Odin walks away, and Thor stands there. And then he takes two steps forward and stands there. And we cut away. What?

Comic relief.

She’s tried to call Jane, Erik and SHIELD, to no avail.

She has SHIELD’s number? And why aren’t they answering, exactly? Other than the plot?

Found Erik.

Conveniently.

Colin:

I’m not a Darcy fan. Nor do I like this intern.

GPOY.

Colin:

Why are they showing us this again? They really don’t get how reveals work, do they? Instead of having a little reveal, they get worried that people are going to be impatient or confused, so they show you everything in advance and then later give you these reveals that end up being old news for us. Pro tip: we don’t empathize with characters’ surprise when we’re seeing something for the second time.

Colin:

I wonder if they purposely tried to make this look more like Game of Thrones. I’m betting yes, and I really don’t love that.

Cool. Have a beer with Heimdall.

Will his sight double after a few?

The Bifrost is closed.

Colin:

Goddamn Game of Thrones.

“We face an enemy that is invisible even to me. What use is a guardian such as thou?”

“Malekith will return, you know this.”

And you do too. But you didn’t care two scenes ago.

“I need your help.”

We’re basically doing the same shit as the last movie again.

Thor says Odin is blinded by hatred and grief. Which you’d think wouldn’t be the case after all these years. But – the plot.

Colin:

I’ll give it to him. Dude lost his wife. It’s allowed.

“As are you.”

“I see clearly enough.”

“The risks are too great.”

“Everything we do from here on is a risk. There is no other way.”

You’d make a terrible king.

“What do you require of me?”

Colin:

They then explain the new Odin-Thor dynamic through Heimdall, which they did last time as well. It’s not super clumsy and it moves the plot along. I’ll take it.

He’s asking him to commit treason.

Again. But I’m guessing we’re ignoring that part.

“Success will bring us exile, and failure will mean our death.”

You’ve already been exiled. At this point you want to be exiled.

Colin:

With the fire and the armor lying around, this is really Game of Thrones. You’d think they wouldn’t have fires and would instead have some space heater or whatever.

This is what they do with her? Have her walk and look around a bunch? Way to use women, Marvel.

This is not a villain. You don’t just cut to him to be like, “Hey guys, he’s still here!”

“Malekith knows the Aether is here, he can feel its power.”

He’ll come back, and he’ll fuck shit up.

“We must move Jane off-world.”

There are ways other than the Bifrost.

“Known only to a few.”

This is so stupid.

“One, actually.”

“No.”

Colin:

Oh, so he’s gonna be kicked out of Asgard for the end of this movie? Cause that’s a pretty big sacrifice for all of them, considering. Simple as it is, I really don’t hate how all this is being set up. Oh, and they need Loki to get them off the planet, which is perfect.

Did they fix that other cell? Or are we just gonna pretend like that’s all old news?

“After all this time, and now you come to visit me.”

With your stupid shawl.

“Have you come to gloat? To mock?”

About what? “Ha ha, mother’s dead”?

“Loki, enough. No more illusions.”

And you listened?

“Now you see me, brother.”

Colin:

Oh, I like this. He’s finally figured out what Loki’s illusions look like and we see how fucked up Loki actually is at this point. The movie’s still terrible overall, but there have been a few moments that I approve of.

“Did she suffer?”

Colin:

Did he finish reading those books?

“I did not come here to share our grief. Instead I offer you the chance of a far richer sacrament.”

Are you not gonna tell him what happened?

Plus, she got stabbed to death. Is there a way to not suffer from that?

“I know you seek vengeance as much as I do. You help me escape Asgard and I will grant it to you. Vengeance. And afterward, this cell.”

“You must be truly desperate, to come to me for help.”

“What makes you think you can trust me?”

“I don’t. Mother did.”

And she’s dead. And he’s at least a tiny bit responsible. Unless they ever explain the whole “stairs to the left” thing. I assume it means he was fucking around, trying to play a joke on them or whatever, but then shit got serious. But they never mention it and it’s never brought up again, so who cares, I guess.

“But you should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me, and I will kill you.”

Colin:

He looks like that dwarf from The Hobbit. You know the one. Short, bearded. Long hair.

It looks like he’s in an old movie, and they’re using the black background to make him appear headless.

Also, that line is poorly written. Which is shocking, I know. But when in the past? He means New York, and the first movie. Not ever. But they don’t specify, and it’s just a weird way for him to phrase that, even with the way he talks.

“When do we start?”

“He will betray you.”

“He will try.”

Wow, two in three scenes.

Colin:

“He will try.” Oh no.

“This is so unlike you, brother. So clandestine. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just punch your way out?”

“If you keep speaking, then I just might.”

What does that mean?

“Fine, as you wish. I’m not even here.”

“Is this better?”

“It’s better company, at least.”

“Still, we could be less conspicuous.”

Isn’t this the guy he turns into later?

“Mmm, brother, you look ravishing.”

“It will hurt no less when I kill you in this form.”

Colin:

He can change how other people look? Where’d the hammer go?

She knows.

“Very well. Perhaps you will prefer one of your new companions, given that you seem to like them so much.”

“Oh, this is much better. Costume’s a bit much. So tight. But the confidence. I can feel the righteousness surging.”

Colin:

Oh, that’s brilliant. Evans doing Hiddleston doing Evans. That’s pretty great.

“Hey, wanna have a rousing discussion about truth? Honor? Patriotism?”

“What?”

Colin:

This is all moving along rather quickly. We still have 50 minutes of movie left. I hate how often the ratio of setup and dialogue to mindless action goes the wrong way in this franchise.

It’s also funny that any time they do something mildly interesting, they kill it within seconds.

“You could at least furnish me with a weapon. My dagger. Something.”

YOUR dagger? A prison shank? Is that what you’re asking for?

Not without my prison shank, please.

“At last, a little common sense.”

“I thought you liked tricks.”

They say Jane is being guarded by a thousand guards. They’ll see him coming from a mile away.

Why a thousand? Because they’re waiting for Malekith?

“I won’t be the one who comes for her.”

And they won’t think she’s in league with Thor? After last movie?

“I’m not hungry.”

Of course not. You’re an actress. You only eat three times a week.

Colin:

Do they have celery on Asgard?

Colin:

So Sif is cool all of a sudden? Why would the guards let her get closer?

“Good. Let’s go.”

I like that she sizes her up at the end of this.

Does no one see this happening? What happened to a thousand guards? And does no one notice them hanging around all suspicious like?

This is nuts.

“I’m Loki. You may have heard.”

Colin:

Natalie Portman REALLY needs to stop slapping people.

I like how he openly introduced himself to her out of nowhere.

“That was for New York.”

You weren’t in New York. New York had no bearing on your life whatsoever.

Also, that’s what he gets? That’s it? And that’s the only reference to that entire movie? Fuck you.

Colin:

My thoughts exactly. “That was a thing! Grr! Moving on…”

“I like her.”

“And what of the All-Father?”

“It is my sworn duty to notify him of crimes against the throne.”

“You called me here on an urgent matter. What is it?”

“Treason, my lord.”

“Whose?”

“Mine.”

“My king, the mortal has been taken.”

Colin:

Idris Elba really is the best of anyone around. He does the right thing and takes the punishment for it and still somehow comes out ahead.

“Stop Thor, by any means necessary.”

How is that eye patch sticking to his face?

“I’ll hold them off. Take her.”

Aww, it’s almost like you had character development.

“Betray him, and I’ll kill you.”

Colin:

Everyone wants to kill Loki. 

“It’s good to see you too, Sif.”

Colin:

She has a Darth Maul sword. Taste my disdain for you, Marvel.

“Assuming you can get Loki’s help, and that you can free this mortal, what good would it do? We’ll all be dead, the minute we step one foot outside the palace.”

I don’t like the cutting to the plan thing they’re doing. It gives it that typical Marvel air of “no stakes.” It’s like they planned all of this, rather than saying, “Here’s how it’s gonna go,” and then shit going wrong and them having to figure it out as they go.

“That, my friend, is why we won’t be leaving by foot.”

Colin:

Are they taking thestrals?!

“I will give you as much time as I can.”

Colin:

That’s lame. That ship is lame. More franchises with good guys in stolen ships. Star Wars, Pirates, The Avengers…yeah. There have been several instances of this.

Stop nodding, you cunt. They don’t even like you.

“If you even think about betraying him—”

“You’ll kill me? Evidently, there will be a line.”

He’s the only good thing about this movie.

Colin:

Right? Why isn’t he used more effectively? I really can’t wait til that miniseries “The Night Manager” happens. Everything about it looks awesome.

Did they give it a cold first?

That ship has a dick hole in it.

Does he even know what to do?

Colin:

At this point I know they better not be leaving in this. Like ACTUALLY leaving in it. Cause isn’t there some secret way out? Why would they need a ship for that? And why take this huge ship that everyone recognizes as an enemy?

Literally just hit the first button he saw.

Love how they just left this ship here during the funeral and all that.

“I thought you said you knew how to fly this thing.”

“I said how ‘hard can it be?’”

Are they just okay with him beating the shit out of people he normally works with?

It’s not like they’re ideologically opposed. They’re doing their job and now he’s hitting them in the face.

“Well, whatever you’re doing, brother, I suggest you do it faster.”

“Shut up, Loki.”

Colin:

Shouldn’t Loki know how to fly it? I’m kinda glad he doesn’t randomly because that would be upsetting. Like suddenly, he’s that franchise character who happens to be a master pilot.

“You must have missed something.”

“I didn’t, I’m pressing every button on this thing.”

“Then don’t hit it, just press it, gently.”

This is good in theory, but the execution is terrible.

“I am pressing it gently. It’s not working!”

Ah, so that’s why it didn’t get destroyed before.

The plot.

Colin:

Stark ain’t the only dude with holograms. Makes you think…their technology here is so much better than on Earth, but Iron Man still works against space bad guys. Strange.

Colin:

I don’t know why they had him make this face. Usually, in this situation, when you make this face, it’s because you got stabbed. 

He just came in his dwarf pantaloons.

This is the first time you look like Ray Stevenson and not Gimli.

“I think you missed a column.”

“Shut up.”

Endor!

Colin:

Not exactly bullseyeing wamprats, are you?

Why don’t we ever see more of Asgard? This place looks cool.

“Look, why don’t you let me take over? I’m clearly the better pilot.”

“Is that right? Well, out of the two of us, which one can actually fly?”

…neither? The hammer flies. You just go for a ride.

She was on this thing the whole time?

And, she’s dead.

“Oh dear. Is she dead?””

“Jane.”

“I’m okay.”

What was the purpose of that?

“Not a word.”

“Now they’re following us.”

Great. Destroy your own city. It’s not like people live there.

“Now they’re firing at us.”

“Thank you for the commentary, Loki. It’s not at all distracting.”

See, look how interesting this place can be if you went other locations beside the palace.

“Well done, you just decapitated your grandfather.”

Neils Bor?

I want that house. The one nice ass home one that little island right outside. So I can canoe over to see other people when I want to.

Colin:

Every franchise. At least 10 waterfalls.

In my franchise, there’s gonna be a council on top of a waterfall.

The animators had more fun designing Asgard than I’m having watching this movie.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you knew where you were flying to?

“You know, this is wonderful. This is a tremendous idea. Let’s steal the biggest, most obvious ship in the universe and escape in that. Flying around a city, smashing into everything in sight so that everyone can see us, it’s brilliant, Thor. It’s truly –”

Biggest and most obvious ship in the universe? Do you not remember what you were on last movie?

Colin:

That was a tally ho of the involuntary variety.

Did he know when the right time was to push him out of that? Or did he not care? I’m cool with either answer.

Did you know which one was the autopilot? Or is that the plot too?

Tally ho! With a ho!

Did no one see that?

“I see your time in the dungeons has made you no less graceful, Loki.”

Are you resting on chain mail?

“You lied to me. I’m impressed.”

Colin:

Wait. I saw that coming. I’m no genius. Well, maybe I am a genius, because Loki was “impressed” at the complexity of that ruse. Come on, man.

“I’m glad you’re pleased. Now do as you promised.”

Colin:

Why are you smiling? You’re still not the king of the world.

I was gonna bring this up in my comments (and again while formatting), but decided against it. I was wondering if this was one of those moments that’s a mixture of freedom and being transported back to childhood.

Does no one see this?

Oh, good, they do see this. So they’re not completely useless, as a military force.

Colin:

Really, I just want to be watching The Vikings right now. Like, a master cut of two hours of Kirk Douglas drunkenly throwing axes at things as Ernest Borgnine drunkenly laughs and yells, “What a son!” And nothing else for two hours. And that would crack the top ten movies of this year for me. Top five. Ah, what the hell, it wins.

“For Asgard.”

Tally ho!

“Nothing personal, boys!”

Oh look, this is where Hogwarts was in Half-Blood Prince.

“Loki!”

“If it were easy, everyone would do it.”

“Are you mad?”

“Possibly.”

Remember when almost this exact line was in the last movie? And the movie before that? That’s three movies in a row where this exact exchange took place.

This is the first time it doesn’t involve Tony Stark.

Colin:

I was thinking more of Han Solo flying into the asteroid field. But those work too.

Colin:

She spends a lot of franchise movies either passed out or being caressed by space boyfriends.

Don’t we all?

Colin:

Franchises are at least 8 percent rock vagina.

This is the exact coloring of some of the Harry Potter movies.

Colin:

Guess they hit 88 miles per hour. Which begs the question, is this just a wormhole? In which case, do they need to be going that fast?

“Ta da.”

Great, now where are we?

He wants to strike now. Malekith’s like, “Fuck Asgard.”

“The Aether has found its way home.”

Colin:

These bad guys really do look like they’re out of Star Trek and The Fifth Element and stuff like that. Prosthetic costumes and dark ships. Just a lot of darkness.

Remember how he couldn’t sense the Aether when it was just around the corner before, and now he knows it’s here?

Convenient this went right to the Dark Elf planet. Did Loki know they wanted to go there? Did they just happen to go in the right direction for that exit?

Colin:

And where did HE find these ways in and out originally?

Not to mention, when he did, how did he get back?

I feel like there’s this great alternate movie with Loki’s childhood, where he just had a fight with Thor, and Thor being the favored one got out of it by currying favor with Odin (who probably had mead all over his beard and was getting ready to make Frigga call him “All-Daddy”), and then he went off and found the old black guy down by the docks, who showed him all this stuff. You know, like Ray.

Colin:

It looks like Asgard, Earth and, to a lesser extent, Space Mongolia are the only places worth living in the nine realms. You’d think more bad guys would show up to Earth trying to get some of that goodness.

Colin:

What’s all this metal? This looks like Cybertron.

“What I could do with the power that flows through those veins.”

Which one is he talking about?

“It would consume you.”

“She’s holding up all right. For now.”

“She’s strong in ways you’d never even know.”

Colin:

I’d like to know, Thor, just how you think she’s strong. She slaps men, yes. What else you got?

That Harvard strong.

There are times you don’t cut wide. When it includes an abundance of poorly lit fake shit, that’s not one of those times.

“Say goodbye,”

“Not this day.”

“This day or the next. A hundred years is nothing. It’s a heartbeat. You’ll never be ready. The only woman whose love you prized will be snatched from you.”

I like how it’s not the only woman he loves. It’s the only woman who loves him that he cares about. The rest are just his side bitches.

“And will that satisfy you?”

“Satisfaction’s not in my nature.”

Which is a weird thing to say? Then what do you get out of fucking with people?

“Surrender’s not in mine.”

Colin:

It’s funny how Thor is this franchise’s Liv Tyler.

Instead of a vajeen around his neck, he keeps a dick by his side.

He looks like Rooney Mara.

Sorry to ruin that for anyone who hasn’t noticed that similarity.

“Son of Odin.”

You had to add that part?

“No, not just of Odin. You think you alone were loved of mother? You had her tricks but I had her trust.”

Her tricks?

Colin:

Tricksy hobbitses.

“Trust? Was that her last expression?”

No, pretty sure it was pain and surprise. Like, “Oh my god I’ve just been stabbed.”

Remember how Gandhi went?

Colin:

Oh, God.

“Trust? When you let her die?”

Colin:

It’s funnier how they’re now fighting over their mother, who was a prop in the first movie.

“What help were you in your cell?”

“Who put me there? WHO PUT ME THERE?!”

You did. Or Odin did. Thor isn’t really responsible for that. He was only the cop that caught you. Unless he does actually mean Odin. But I don’t think he does.

“You know damn well!”

So what? Natalie passed out just so she wouldn’t have to intervene in this? This is some mighty big conveniencing going on here.

“She wouldn’t want us to fight.”

“Well, she wouldn’t exactly be shocked.”

Colin:

“Aw, mom always hated us fighting. Shucks.”

I hate how many things are good in theory in these movies.

Execute better, Marvel.

“I wish I could trust you.”

That’s one of the most honest sentences spoken in this movie.

One of like, four.

Also…

“Trust my rage.”

I wish that was half as shitty as it was.

Colin:

Another one of those lines that I like in theory. And Mike has stated that for Marvel, ‘in theory’ might as well be as close as we get to real praise.

END OF PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and some more horribly lit stuff.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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