Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor: The Dark World (2013), Part IV — “There Are Too Many Shoes in This Rock Vagina”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor: The Dark World.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Thor: The Dark World.

Thor The Dark World - Title Card

We begin Part IV in some place but there’s no title card, so we’ll just assume it’s space.

Thor The Dark World - 1232

Colin:

Since I’m trying to be optimistic, I’ll say: thank you for sparing us the title cards.

Thank you for not being worse, is basically what that was.

Thor The Dark World - 1233

Is he handcuffed? Is this a hospital for crazy people or a police station? Are they the same place? What’s going on with this?

Thor The Dark World - 1234

He’s pretending to be Erik’s son.

Because apparently they don’t check ID or anything.

Colin:

Lots of misrepresentation to law enforcement and healthcare professionals in the Thor movies.

Thor The Dark World - 1235

And he goes over all the items. Because we give a shit.

Colin:

You are not Frank Oz. Continue.

Thor The Dark World - 1236

Goddamn, look at all that medication.

Why was that impounded?

Also, I see the word urine on that laminate down there.

Thor The Dark World - 1237

Thor The Dark World - 1238

You look like if Brendan Fraser looked inside the Arc of the Covenant.

Thor The Dark World - 1239

He doesn’t know who she is.

Part of the ship, part of the crew.

Plus, it’s been what, like four movies? Who can remember such things?

Colin:

Mostly you just go with it at this point. I only WISH they were making things up as they went.

Thor The Dark World - 1240

She’s pretending like she has purpose in this movie.

Thor The Dark World - 1241

“How did you find me?”

Were you hidden? If you were crazy, you wouldn’t need to ask that question.

Thor The Dark World - 1242

“You were naked on TV.”

If I had a nickel…

Thor The Dark World - 1243

“Okay, time to go. Lot’s to do.”

Colin:

Is this going to be like when Larry David hugs Aunty May for too long and gets a boner? 

Thor The Dark World - 1244

“Getting weird now.”

Colin:

Getting weird. Almost. Couldn’t go full boner because of the kids.

Thor The Dark World - 1245

Thor The Dark World - 1246

“I should not be left in charge of stuff like this.”

Why are you still working for them for free?

Did they pay for your plane fare out here? Lodging? Any of that? Pretty fucked up that Natalie got a whole fucking theory named after her and still hasn’t hired this chick full time.

Thor The Dark World - 1247

“Are you all right?”

“I’ve had a god in my brain.”

So, you’re fine. I have a god in my brain all the time — I call it my brain.

Thor The Dark World - 1248

What kind of medication is that? How are you keeping track of all of that stuff? What’s that one do? Also, there’s no way you need all that stuff in that bag. Some of that can be combined into a single pill.

Thor The Dark World - 1249

Colin:

These people are always so bumbling.

Thor The Dark World - 1250

Thor The Dark World - 1251

Oh no, it’s them.

Colin:

When we get to that movie in a later feature, that’s probably all you’re writing.

I think I already did write it up, and I didn’t just do that. I was gonna, but then I had that moment of, “I don’t want that to be the only thing I say, because this is actually a great movie, and I should really talk it up.” Because it’s not exactly one of those things that everybody knows. So I gotta pimp it and get people excited about it.

Still don’t think I’ve ever told that story yet. Not sure if and when I will.

Thor The Dark World - 1252

“It’s happening. Sooner than I calculated.”

“It’s happening” is an acceptable alternative to “Oh no, it’s them.”

Thor The Dark World - 1253

Colin:

What’s happening, the alignment? Can you not stop off at a pub and make your ancestors proud before we have to get into something technical and boring?

Or just go to the pub and wait for all this to blow over.

Colin:

They haven’t really explained what the universe of darkness is like. Is it less bright than the current universe? If so, sign me the fuck up.

Thor The Dark World - 1254

Thor The Dark World - 1255

Thor The Dark World - 1256

Well that was convenient.

How did they not get sucked into the portal if they were standing on it?

Colin:

No way one of them doesn’t get a beak to the genitals.

This movie is one giant beak to the genitals.

Thor The Dark World - 1257

Thor The Dark World - 1258

I miss Kenneth Branagh.

Thor The Dark World - 1259

“What the hell was that? Why are you smiling?”

“There’s nothing more reassuring than realizing the world is crazier than you are.”

Colin:

Another line I approve of in theory.

Thor The Dark World - 1260

“Take me to Jane’s lab.”

WHAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! That’s what gets him sane again?

FUCK YOU.

Did you guys spend more than ten minutes writing this script?

Colin:

First, no, they definitely did not. And second, are we not more upset of that primo medication he just dumped? Dude, that’s good for selling or using.

Also a great point. You had a god in your brain, and now you have it back. So what better thing to do than NOT USE IT AGAIN. You know how great that shit will work with booze? Keep it.

Also, there’s no way his dick works with all of those pills.

Thor The Dark World - 1261

Meanwhile, Natalie is doing what all of our brains are doing

Thor The Dark World - 1262

Colin:

I’m also super glad it’s just Thor and Loki. The other muppets got left on Asgard for other reasons. Hooray, you participated! Now stay out of the rest of the movie.

You know what would have been a better movie? First act: they’re finished cleaning up all the bullshit on the other realms. Thor comes back. Loki is in chains and in the cell. They can still do the Jane/Sif bullshit with Odin. Meanwhile, they bring in other prisoners. Just like they do here. And dude uses his Fire Stone to evolve into Dark/Fire type. And he fucks shit up and Frigga is killed. And you can even do the raid thing. Introduce your villain that way. Kursed breaks out of prison, causes chaos, allowing no one to be watching the borders, when Malekith shows up. He comes in, takes the Aether (which is on Asgard, because that’s where it’s safest. And you can pull the shit where Odin or Neils Bor was supposed to bury it and did not, and that decision is coming back to roost. It just got his wife killed). So the first time you see Malekith is not in some flashback story, it’s some guy and his henchman who show up in the most secure place (supposedly) and fuck shit up and kill Mom. And then it’s, “Who was that?” “Malekith” and you can do your fucking backstory there. And then they can fight over how to proceed.

Or, actually… even better. Ready for this? He doesn’t even take the Aether. He takes the key to where it’s buried. It should have been a secret to all, but they kept the answer with them, and Odin should have destroyed it but didn’t. So now, the only way they can find where the Aether is and stop Malekith is the one person who can either decipher or figure out the answer and get to secret places — Loki. And the entire second act is your road trip between the brothers. Dealing with all of this. More scenes like this, just them, character development, more of what we want to see with these movies. Then you can cut to whatever the fuck you want on Earth and I’m okay with it. Keep the warriors on Asgard. You can even put a small side plot with them if you want. Only if you focus mostly on Sif, since she’s the only one who matters. But then, Thor and Loki are on this trip, figuring shit out, processing grief, and you never know if Loki is gonna turn on him or not — and then you can run the rest of this movie from here on out as it is, and it’s way better.

And no AIDS. That’s the other thing. No Natalie getting AIDS. Let her just study the convergence. Even if that puts her in harm’s way later on, fine. Or even — fuck it. You can give her AIDS. Just give her AIDS midway through the movie. By accident. After it means something. And then that’s a twist that changes how they have to proceed from there.

And that’s just off the top of my head.

Thor The Dark World - 1263

Why does Natalie look like she has blacked out eyes?

Thor The Dark World - 1264

Now for another edition of “Spaceship or God Dick?”

Thor The Dark World - 1265

“Malekith.”

Because you knew that.

Colin:

I’m happy she remembers the bad guy’s name, cause I sure as hell can’t be expected to.

Thor The Dark World - 1266

Is this where the portkey is?

Colin:

Remember good movies? I really wish they’d spare me the rest of this flick.

Remember Good Movies?

I’m 26 and I’m already going, “You kids today don’t know what good movies are.”

Shit, I was saying that at 19.

Kinda the way Stellan Skarsgard was explaining the convergence.

In my underwear, with shoes.

Thor The Dark World - 1267

Is there even a plan here? Just get here and deal with it? Why did no one tell them the Aether can’t be destroyed? Maybe if you make it that Odin didn’t mention because he just wanted Malekith to show up so he could kill him and it was a rage thing. This is just — nonsensical.

Thor The Dark World - 1268

Really curious where they shot this.

And by that I mean, what soundstage with all the green screen.

Thor The Dark World - 1269

Thor The Dark World - 1270

So you guys just came home and are now standing in this desolate place? That’s your plan? Do you sleep? What’s the deal here? It’s like you only landed here, on this giant planet, in the exact same spot where the heroes are, even though there are hundreds of thousands of miles where you could have landed, just so the plot could happen.

Thor The Dark World - 1271

Thor The Dark World - 1272

“All right. You ready?”

Why are you looking at him? You have no purpose here, Natalie.

When you think about it, this is them traveling to the Space Jungle to find a shaman who can medicine man the AIDS out of her.

Thor The Dark World - 1273

“I am.”

I’m not.

Thor The Dark World - 1274

Thor The Dark World - 1275

Half/light, half dark. Oh, sweet irony.

Thor The Dark World - 1276

So they just show up here and are standing right in front of the guy? What terrible writing.

Thor The Dark World - 1277

“You know this plan of yours is gonna get us killed.”

“Yes, possibly.”

Thor The Dark World - 1278

“You still don’t trust me, brother?”

Thor The Dark World - 1279

“Would you?”

Thor The Dark World - 1280

Colin:

Wait, you’re trusting Loki? Why? This seems ill-advised.

Thor The Dark World - 1281

Thor The Dark World - 1282

“No I wouldn’t.”

Thor The Dark World - 1283

Thor The Dark World - 1284

Did he give you that knife? Did you just have that?

Thor The Dark World - 1285

Thor The Dark World - 1286

Colin:

He’s not super fast on the dagger block, is he? And we’ve missed yet another stabbed face. Stabbed faces are meant to be savored, but Marvel throws them away.

Thor The Dark World - 1287

Thor The Dark World - 1288

Tally ho!

Thor The Dark World - 1289

Colin:

There’s your giveaway.

How can you tell in this darkness?

Thor The Dark World - 1290

In your condition?

Thor The Dark World - 1291

Colin:

I’m trying to decide whether or not Marvel’s dickish enough for this to be the ruse. Like, have this be a big surprise betrayal that turns out to be a Loki illusion the whole time. I think they’re dickish enough for that. Loki probably does care about all this but only wants to put on a show for the Dark Elf guy – I’ve honestly already forgotten his name again. I know it’s Mal something because apparently there’s Latin in space, too.

Just gonna get it out of the way now — Male-kith and kaboodle.

Not even interested enough to try to work that in.

Thor The Dark World - 1292

Thor The Dark World - 1293

Wouldn’t you be wondering why this was all happening in front of you? And seriously, why is this just a planet of rocks?

Thor The Dark World - 1294

Thor The Dark World - 1295

“You really think I cared about Frigga? About any of you?”

Maybe should have started this sooner if you wanted anyone to believe it.

Thor The Dark World - 1296

“All I ever wanted was you and Odin dead at my feet.”

The hammer isn’t coming to him. Why is your arm randomly out?

Thor The Dark World - 1297

Thor The Dark World - 1298

Thor The Dark World - 1299

Colin:

Now he has no hand, so Natalie can’t keep loving him. This is only the 56th franchise we’ve covered with a hand amputation. For shit’s sake, this is the second of Natalie’s franchise boyfriends who loses a hand.

Thor The Dark World - 1300

Right here, you know it’s bullshit. We didn’t get enough screen time devoted to this relationship for a lost limb to be considered potentially legitimate.

Thor The Dark World - 1301

Thor The Dark World - 1302

Colin:

Yeah, I don’t believe this for a second. Marvel’s totally dickish enough not to follow through with this and make it a ruse. We already saw Loki grieving on his own after realizing she really was his mother. At this point I’m only wondering how long the ruse goes. They keep going back to the elf dude watching, which is important.

Thor The Dark World - 1303

Thor The Dark World - 1304

Thor The Dark World - 1305

“I am Loki of Jotunheim. And I bring you a gift.”

Thor The Dark World - 1306

“All right.”

Is really what this is.

Thor The Dark World - 1307

“I ask only one thing in return.”

Thor The Dark World - 1308

Get some lotion, dude.

Thor The Dark World - 1309

“A good seat from which to watch Asgard burn.”

Thor The Dark World - 1310

“He is an enemy of Asgard. He was a prisoner in their dungeons.”

They should have huddled. That would have made this better.

Also, who cares if he was a prisoner. Why is he here, then?

Thor The Dark World - 1311

Thor The Dark World - 1312

Thor The Dark World - 1313

“Look at me.”

I am the captain now?

Thor The Dark World - 1314

Thor The Dark World - 1315

Thor The Dark World - 1316

Thor The Dark World - 1317

So you can do that.

Thor The Dark World - 1318

Thor The Dark World - 1319

Why don’t you kill him now?

Also, can’t he control the hammer with the other arm?

Thor The Dark World - 1320

Thor The Dark World - 1321

Colin:

Natalie has a bad history with the Force.

Thor The Dark World - 1322

Does that hurt? That shit is coming out of your eyes.

Thor The Dark World - 1323

Thor The Dark World - 1324

Zack Snyder just came in his pants.

Colin:

So now Two Face Elrond pulls the SHIV out of Amidala.

Thor The Dark World - 1325

Coughing up the AIDS blood.

Thor The Dark World - 1326

Thor The Dark World - 1327

Thor The Dark World - 1328

Thor The Dark World - 1329

So is Earth dead now, or…?

Thor The Dark World - 1330

Thor The Dark World - 1331

Thor The Dark World - 1332

Thor The Dark World - 1333

Thor The Dark World - 1334

Thor The Dark World - 1335

Thor The Dark World - 1336

Thor The Dark World - 1337

Thor The Dark World - 1338

Thor The Dark World - 1339

Is this some Independence Day shit? She knows him plan now, or whatever? Because they explained it to us before. We know what he’s gonna do.

Thor The Dark World - 1340

Colin:

Is this Universe AIDS? I have no idea what I’m looking at, other than weird stuff infecting the universe.

Thor The Dark World - 1341

I like that this actor was paid for this performance. I’m like 95% certain it’s the same guy who was the bad guy in the Gone in 60 Seconds remake. Which also makes him the guy from G.I. Joe. He got paid to basically stand there for most of the movie. Good for him. Easy paycheck, and he isn’t remembered for being in a terrible movie.

Thor The Dark World - 1342

Thor The Dark World - 1343

So is she dead now, or…?

Also, if the Aether is used to create darkness, shouldn’t it have had some sort of side effects? Couldn’t it have gone Venom?

Thor The Dark World - 1344

“Loki, now!”

Colin:

Aaaaand there’s the ruse. I’d have been seriously surprised if this had played out as a real betrayal.

This is why I maintain this is the worst Marvel movie of them all. They do everything wrong, and everything they pretend to do is immediately undone. I’ll take a bad movie, but don’t make me watch something that’s utterly pointless.

Colin:

But Liv Tyler breathing and impossible cab drivers. Anyway, we’re gonna get to this.

I think I’ve discovered where the fundamental difference is in our opinions. But that’s for another time.

Thor The Dark World - 1345

You look sickly.

Thor The Dark World - 1346

Thor The Dark World - 1347

Malekith didn’t know when to kill his problems.

Thor The Dark World - 1348

Thor The Dark World - 1349

Thor The Dark World - 1350

Thor The Dark World - 1351

Why does the hammer only work with the right arm? Is that your jerk-off arm?

I feel like every arm is his jerk-off arm.

Thor The Dark World - 1352

Thor The Dark World - 1353

Thor The Dark World - 1354

Thor The Dark World - 1355

Yeah, that’s not gonna do it.

Thor The Dark World - 1356

Thor The Dark World - 1357

Colin:

Turns out the energy required to zap Space HIV is exactly 1.21 gigawatts.

Thor The Dark World - 1358

Everyone’s just standing there, watching this happen.

Are they as bored as we are?

Thor The Dark World - 1359

Thor The Dark World - 1360

Thor The Dark World - 1361

Why does it even do that?

Thor The Dark World - 1362

Thor The Dark World - 1363

Motherfucker, we still got 30 minutes left.

Thor The Dark World - 1364

Thor The Dark World - 1365

You’re protecting her? At least show some ambivalence.

Thor The Dark World - 1366

Thor The Dark World - 1367

Thor The Dark World - 1368

Thor The Dark World - 1369

Good job, your plan backfired.

Thor The Dark World - 1370

Colin:

Wait, I don’t…what? Two Face Elrond got the Space HIV anyway?

That’s an Infinity Stone. And apparently he can control that? Isn’t that dangerous? For other people? Mostly Thanos?

Thor The Dark World - 1371

Thor The Dark World - 1372

Thor The Dark World - 1373

Thor The Dark World - 1374

Colin:

You know, we can’t see anything, but I’m also not sure I want to.

Thor The Dark World - 1375

Thor The Dark World - 1376

Well that’s badass. Just walk away, knowing they can’t do shit.

Thor The Dark World - 1377

Thor The Dark World - 1378

Thor The Dark World - 1379

Wait, what? You can just use the fire rock whenever you need to? That thing has a time limit?

This thing is the fucking Scooby Snack of Marvel.

Thor The Dark World - 1380

Thor The Dark World - 1381

Thor The Dark World - 1382

Colin:

That grenade looked exactly like the thing they used to turn themselves into the monster things. Is there a difference? Does anyone care? I do not.

Oh, it was a grenade. I thought it was the fire stone.

Great job with the lighting and the explaining things, guys!

Thor The Dark World - 1383

Colin:

Loki actually tries to save her and does, sacrificing himself. Not sure what that’s about, but he seems to have done a full 180. Maybe he’ll be a good guy from now on. This would be a good time to remind people that I haven’t seen this before.

Thor The Dark World - 1384

Thor The Dark World - 1385

Thor The Dark World - 1386

Thor The Dark World - 1387

Thor The Dark World - 1388

Thor The Dark World - 1389

Thor The Dark World - 1390

Thor The Dark World - 1391

Well that’s not how that usually works out.

Thor The Dark World - 1392

Thor The Dark World - 1393

Thor The Dark World - 1394

You have a hammer, right? So throw it at the ship?

Thor The Dark World - 1395

Thor The Dark World - 1396

Thor The Dark World - 1397

Thor The Dark World - 1398

Thor The Dark World - 1399

Thor The Dark World - 1400

What just — oh, he got tackled by the other guy.

Thor The Dark World - 1401

Thor The Dark World - 1402

Thor The Dark World - 1403

Colin:

This is still the black guy, just with new powers, right?

3-1 he’s an orphan.

Thor The Dark World - 1404

Thor The Dark World - 1405

Colin:

Makes sense, we still have a half hour left, so the bad guy has to peace with the SHIV and get set for the final showdown where he almost kills the universe.

Thor The Dark World - 1406

Thor The Dark World - 1407

Thor The Dark World - 1408

Colin:

I wanna see a badass Loki fight using tricks and stuff. Instead he just stabbed a guy in the neck. Which, you know what? Yes. I’m always good with a stab to the neck. Cause that’s the way to get people. Stab them in the fucking jugular without warning.

Thor The Dark World - 1409

Thor The Dark World - 1410

Thor The Dark World - 1411

Thor The Dark World - 1412

Thor The Dark World - 1413

Thor The Dark World - 1414

Thor The Dark World - 1415

Thor The Dark World - 1416

Good thing that was conveniently there.

Thor The Dark World - 1417

Thor The Dark World - 1418

Thor The Dark World - 1419

Colin:

Holy shit, but I’m bored. 

I guess, for posterity’s sake, I should through in a, “EUAAHH!!!!!”

Thor The Dark World - 1420

Thor The Dark World - 1421

Colin:

He’s too much of a badass. Thor’s getting done like Hercule.

Thor The Dark World - 1422

Thor The Dark World - 1423

Thor The Dark World - 1424

Thor The Dark World - 1425

Thor The Dark World - 1426

Colin:

Wait, I thought nobody could stop the hammer in mid-flight. Doesn’t it have the density of a star or something?

Huh? What? I was mixing another drink and wishing I had Stellan Skarsgard’s medication.

Thor The Dark World - 1427

Thor The Dark World - 1428

Thor The Dark World - 1429

Thor The Dark World - 1430

Thor The Dark World - 1431

Thor The Dark World - 1432

Thor The Dark World - 1433

Thor The Dark World - 1434

Thor The Dark World - 1435

Thor The Dark World - 1436

Thor The Dark World - 1437

Thor The Dark World - 1438

Thor The Dark World - 1439

Thor The Dark World - 1440

Wow, he’s beating the SHIT out of Thor.

Colin:

Jesus. When Odin said that Thor would be King, I didn’t think he meant Rodney.

Thor The Dark World - 1441

Thor The Dark World - 1442

Thor The Dark World - 1443

Oh great… that moment we’ve seen in like… dozens of other movies.

Colin:

Always with the stab from behind, but just as with the Destroyer….yeah, didn’t think it was gonna do much to him. Speaking of which, do they have another Destroyer?

Thor The Dark World - 1444

Thor The Dark World - 1445

Nice one, Samwise.

Thor The Dark World - 1446

“Motherfucker…”

Thor The Dark World - 1447

You didn’t think this through properly.

Thor The Dark World - 1448

Thor The Dark World - 1449

Well that didn’t work out as you’d planned.

Colin:

This would have been a good time to use an illusion, by the way.

At least Tom Hiddleston understands the importance of a good stabbed face.

Thor The Dark World - 1450

Colin:

Optimus?

That’s how you know I don’t care. I didn’t even through in the Optimus scream.

Thor The Dark World - 1451

“I thought we had an understanding, man.”

Thor The Dark World - 1452

“Fuck yo understanding.”

Thor The Dark World - 1453

Thor The Dark World - 1454

This is what happens after you get stabbed. You lay there, thinking about your life, thinking about the fact that you were just stabbed.

Thor The Dark World - 1455

Does he have these cuts later? I guess we’ll find out.

Thor The Dark World - 1456

Thor The Dark World - 1457

Thor The Dark World - 1458

I respect a guy who walks around with a sword through his chest.

Thor The Dark World - 1459

Colin:

So…bomb on the belt like in Casino Royale?

They’re ripping off all of these other movies. Another reason I hate this more than everything else.

Thor The Dark World - 1460

Thor The Dark World - 1461

Thor The Dark World - 1462

Thor The Dark World - 1463

So if that grenade sends you into darkness, and he is darkness… you know what, fuck it.

Thor The Dark World - 1464

Thor The Dark World - 1465

“See you in hell, monster.”

Pretty soon, from the looks of it.

Thor The Dark World - 1466

Thor The Dark World - 1467

Thor The Dark World - 1468

Thor The Dark World - 1469

Thor The Dark World - 1470

Thor The Dark World - 1471

Thor The Dark World - 1472

Thor The Dark World - 1473

Colin:

He says “no, no, no, no” like Shia in the Transformers movies. Go back and watch those. “No, no, no, no” is like 80 percent of his dialogue.

Guess what the other 20% is.

Thor The Dark World - 1474

“You fool. You didn’t listen.”

Colin:

Oh, Bubba, no.

Thor The Dark World - 1475

“I’m a fool. I’m a fool.”

He does fake dying well.

Thor The Dark World - 1476

“Stay with me.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Thor The Dark World - 1477

“I’ll tell Father what you did here today.”

And then what? You’re ‘dead’. You don’t get to see the reaction. And if you’re not dead, you’re still in prison.

Thor The Dark World - 1478

“I didn’t do it for him.”

He did it for the puss-ay.

Thor The Dark World - 1479

Are they implying he did it for Thor? Because I’m guessing it was for Mom.

Thor The Dark World - 1480

Colin:

I like Hiddleston. But isn’t he supposed to be in another movie? Isn’t he in other stuff? This is the thing with Marvel – I can’t believe he’s dying. They wouldn’t kill him. If we get to the end of this movie and he’s still dead, I’ll applaud them with reservation on the grounds that I still assume they’ll bring him back, but I’ll also be annoyed that they chose to kill one of the only legit actors around.

If they bring him back before the end of the movie or credits sequence, I’ll be annoyed at their lack of commitment and the fact that they’ll have resurrected him twice in two movies, but try to take solace in Hiddleston staying around.

Thor The Dark World - 1481

Did he turn green, gray, or is the lighting just that bad?

Thor The Dark World - 1482

Thor The Dark World - 1483

YES! SHE’S GONNA BRING HIM THE THE BLUE SHIT!!!!!

Thor The Dark World - 1484

Colin:

This is all your doing, Natalie.

Thor The Dark World - 1485

When people die, we cut out wide. Might as well survey the emotional wreckage, savor it. This is what it looks like when family members die.

Except no blue shit.

Is he gonna set him on fire now?

Thor The Dark World - 1486

Thor The Dark World - 1487

“Where can I get a boat around here?”

Thor The Dark World - 1488

Also, how come we’re just letting the villain get away with the weapon that can destroy the universe?

Thor The Dark World - 1489

Thor The Dark World - 1490

Oh good, more dirt.

Thor The Dark World - 1491

Thor The Dark World - 1492

Thor The Dark World - 1493

Did they just leave the body there?

Colin:

Hey, so wouldn’t this make for a striking visual if maybe WE COULD SEE WHAT THE SHIT WAS ON THE SCREEN

Thor The Dark World - 1494

Is this The English Patient? Is she gonna die in a cave?

I feel like one day, I’ll die in a cave.

Thor The Dark World - 1495

Thor The Dark World - 1496

“He’s gonna unleash it. Not just on Asgard, or on a star. Malekith is gonna destroy everything.”

We knew that.

Thor The Dark World - 1497

“How?”

WHAT?!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HOW?!!!

He’s gonna win the electoral vote and then systematically destroy the tenets of universal democracy. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA DO IT?!!!

Thor The Dark World - 1498

“I saw him on Earth.”

Okay.

And why Earth, by the way? Just cause? The plot? He has no reason to be on Earth at all.

“Why would he go to Earth?”

Oh, good. You have problems with the logic too.

Oh… I get it. Selvig’s figuring out Earth is the convergence point for all the realms, isn’t he? It’s a median thing, isn’t it? Because naturally, Earth has to be the center of the universe.

Colin:

Correction: Natalie is the center of the universe.

Thor The Dark World - 1499

“The Convergence.”

Thor The Dark World - 1500

“None of this would have happened if I hadn’t found the Aether.”

Technically, yes. But the only reason you found the Aether is because of some bullshit plot convenience. So I’m giving you a pass on this. As much as I’d like to not.

Colin:

It really was her fault, though. They try to make it not her fault, but the bad guy only woke up because of the AIDS radar. So well done, there.

“Then Malekith would have only possessed it that much sooner.”

Okay, couple of things. First – sure, maybe he would have possessed it sooner. It calls to him, and you didn’t know he was alive. Sure. But on the other hand – your mother’s dead. Your brother’s “dead” (because you know he’s not dead), and we had to suffer through an awful movie. So maybe he should have possessed it that much sooner.

Thor The Dark World - 1501

“I only found it because I was looking for you.”

The moral here? Don’t look for him.

Thor The Dark World - 1502

“Now we’re trapped here.”

Thor The Dark World - 1503

And apparently there’s a cell tower here.

What kind of data plan do the Dark Elves have?

Colin:

Marvel: Because At This Point, What The Hell, Right?

Thor The Dark World - 1504

“It’s not me.”

Colin:

Fucking really.

Ain’t no cell phones on Asgard, man, I’m head to toe legitimate.

Thor The Dark World - 1505

“Hello?”

Does anyone else have a problem with all these plot conveniences? Because at this point, I’m starting to throw my hands up and let them be. Because if this isn’t infuriating the dumb audience, then who am I to say anything? Because even someone along for the ride should be questioning how the fuck that just happened.

“Hi, Jane, it’s Richard.”

Really? So Darcy’s been trying to call you for two days, and the guy you had a half a date with calls you and that goes through?

Colin:

It’s only cause they’re right next to the plot hole, er, wormhole.

Thor The Dark World - 1506

“I’m still at the office. It’s been a crazy day here today.”

Wait, what? This has all been ONE DAY?!

Colin:

They brought back this poor bastard.

Thor The Dark World - 1507

“This is amazing.”

So because of the Convergence, you have cell service?

Also, what’s more important, to remark how crazy this is, or to NOT BE TRAPPED HERE?

Thor The Dark World - 1508

“How am I getting service here?”

“Is this a bad time? Do you want me to try you later?”

“No, no, no, no, no, please, whatever you do, don’t hang up the phone.”

Why? Hang up and call someone more important.

Thor The Dark World - 1509

“I was just wondering if you wanted to try again. Maybe dinner next time.”

Colin:

So she leads on this poor man and finds that of this entire massive planet, they’ve stumbled into the rock vagina that happens to be the other side of her local wormhole.

Thor The Dark World - 1510

Thor The Dark World - 1511

Convenient.

Are the car keys there too?

Thor The Dark World - 1512

I really should just expect this shit.

Thor The Dark World - 1513

Thor The Dark World - 1514

“Come on.”

“Why are there so many shoes in here?”

Colin:

There are too many shoes in this rock vagina.

There Are Too Many Shoes in This Rock Vagina.

Also, if I had a nickel…

Also, for some reason (don’t ask my why) that made me think of Kookaburra.

Just sitting in the old rock vagina.

How gay his life must be indeed.

Thor The Dark World - 1515

Thor The Dark World - 1516

Thor The Dark World - 1517

“I’ll just text her.”

Did that count as roaming?

Thor The Dark World - 1518

Convergence? More like Convenience!

Is something I should have said way sooner than this.

Thor The Dark World - 1519

He can fly, you know.

Colin:

This poor Volvo. What did you do to this poor Volvo, you strumpet? This isn’t even fit for a vampire.

Thor The Dark World - 1520

“So who’s Richard?”

“Really?”

Yeah, maybe ask that before this.

Thor The Dark World - 1521

Thor The Dark World - 1522

I forgot she was wearing the robes.

Colin:

She busts in, wearing her weirdo clothes.

Thor The Dark World - 1523

Thor The Dark World - 1524

Might be my favorite shot in the film.

Colin:

I’m really confused about why that rack doesn’t fall down under the weight of his god hammer.

At this point, I don’t even give a fuck. There are such gigantic logic holes and things I hate, I’m allowing this to not make sense and be okay with it.

Thor The Dark World - 1525

“Erik?”

Thor The Dark World - 1526

“Jane! How wonderful.”

Thor The Dark World - 1527

And you thought the pencil shot was the key to comedy.

Thor The Dark World - 1528

“You’ve been to Asgard.”

“Where are your pants?”

Colin:

That’s a good point. They’re not making much of how she’s the first human to set foot on another planet.

Thor The Dark World - 1529

‘He says it helps him think.”

Thor The Dark World - 1530

“Are you well, Erik?”

Thor The Dark World - 1531

“Your brother’s not coming, is he?”

Thor The Dark World - 1532

“My brother is dead.”

Thor The Dark World - 1533

“Oh, thank god.”

Thor The Dark World - 1534

Thor The Dark World - 1535

“I – I’m sorry sorry.”

Thor The Dark World - 1536

That’s the Mads Mikkelsen face.

Colin:

“I hate your dead brother! Fuck him! Undies!”

Thor The Dark World - 1537

Thor The Dark World - 1538

Thor The Dark World - 1539

Colin:

Back to the shit planet because 45 seconds on Earth is too long.

Thor The Dark World - 1540

Wow. They didn’t even keep him dead for five minutes.

Colin:

And of course Loki’s alive. He just wanted to peace out his own way rather than get locked up again.

Thor The Dark World - 1541

Thor The Dark World - 1542

Thor The Dark World - 1543

“Forgive me, my liege. I’ve returned from the Dark World with some news.”

Why were you there in the first place?

Colin:

Why is it called the Dark World sometimes? Doesn’t it have another name in their parlance? Why does every planet have to have Gandalf nicknames left and right?

Do you want to have to call it Svartleheim, or whatever the fuck? Svartlemeinkampf? I know there’s a random f in there somewhere. SvartleFUCKYOU is more like it.

Damn baby, are you a Dark Elf, because you are Svartle-FINE.

“Thor?”

Oh, right, there’s a movie going on here.

Thor The Dark World - 1544

“There’s no sign of Thor. Or the weapon, but –”

Thor The Dark World - 1545

“What?”

Thor The Dark World - 1546

“We found a body.”

Colin:

He’s going to see how Odin reacts? Is that what this is? Can Odin not sense him? I’d think he’d be able to, considering that he was with Frigga all that time.

Thor The Dark World - 1547

“Loki.”

Thor The Dark World - 1548

Thor The Dark World - 1549

That’s how you end the scene? Not even Odin’s reaction?

Colin:

No reaction now. Maybe later. They could do a nice funeral that he shows up to.

Thor The Dark World - 1550

“Malekith is going to fire the Aether at a spot where all nine worlds are connected.”

If it’s fucking Disney World…

Thor The Dark World - 1551

“Amplifying the weapon’s impact. For each additional world, the power will increase exponentially.”

You know that… how?

And also, where is SHIELD during all this?

“The effect would be universal.”

Colin:

Exposition we don’t care about. Yes, the convergence, something about ancient peoples understanding alien shit….as if we didn’t already get enough of that from Transformers, Prometheus, Crystal Skull, The History Channel and just about everywhere else you turn.

Thor The Dark World - 1552

“Yes, but the alignment is only temporary. He must be in exactly the right place at the right time.”

And somehow, he knows where that is.

And how do they know where that is?

They follow the directions.

Thor The Dark World - 1553

“This has happened before. Thousands of years ago.”

Thor The Dark World - 1554

FUCK THIS TABLE SHIT!

Thor The Dark World - 1555

All the civilizations made use of the gravitational effects, and they made a map.

Thor The Dark World - 1556

Stonehenge and shit are a map.

Sure they are.

Where do they lead?

Thor The Dark World - 1557

Thor The Dark World - 1558

Greenwich.

It’s gonna be a… mean time.

Colin:

Greenwich: It’s Mean Time, Bitches.

I love that we both went there individually, and months apart. But it’s also probably the only thing you can do with it. 

Thor The Dark World - 1559

“The walls between worlds are gonna be almost nonexistent. Physics is gonna go ballistic. Increases and decreases in gravity.”

Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria.

“The very fabric of reality is gonna be torn apart.”

Thor The Dark World - 1560

Thor The Dark World - 1561

Thor The Dark World - 1562

Thor The Dark World - 1563

“I better get my pants.”

The best way to go into any action scene.

END PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and the merciful end to this piece of shit.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

http://bplusmovieblog.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.