Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor: The Dark World (2013), Part IV — “There Are Too Many Shoes in This Rock Vagina”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor: The Dark World.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Thor: The Dark World.
We begin Part IV in some place but there’s no title card, so we’ll just assume it’s space.
Since I’m trying to be optimistic, I’ll say: thank you for sparing us the title cards.
Thank you for not being worse, is basically what that was.
Is he handcuffed? Is this a hospital for crazy people or a police station? Are they the same place? What’s going on with this?
He’s pretending to be Erik’s son.
Because apparently they don’t check ID or anything.
Lots of misrepresentation to law enforcement and healthcare professionals in the Thor movies.
And he goes over all the items. Because we give a shit.
You are not Frank Oz. Continue.
Goddamn, look at all that medication.
Why was that impounded?
Also, I see the word urine on that laminate down there.
You look like if Brendan Fraser looked inside the Arc of the Covenant.
He doesn’t know who she is.
Part of the ship, part of the crew.
Plus, it’s been what, like four movies? Who can remember such things?
Mostly you just go with it at this point. I only WISH they were making things up as they went.
She’s pretending like she has purpose in this movie.
“How did you find me?”
Were you hidden? If you were crazy, you wouldn’t need to ask that question.
“You were naked on TV.”
If I had a nickel…
“Okay, time to go. Lot’s to do.”
Is this going to be like when Larry David hugs Aunty May for too long and gets a boner?
“Getting weird now.”
Getting weird. Almost. Couldn’t go full boner because of the kids.
“I should not be left in charge of stuff like this.”
Why are you still working for them for free?
Did they pay for your plane fare out here? Lodging? Any of that? Pretty fucked up that Natalie got a whole fucking theory named after her and still hasn’t hired this chick full time.
“Are you all right?”
“I’ve had a god in my brain.”
So, you’re fine. I have a god in my brain all the time — I call it my brain.
What kind of medication is that? How are you keeping track of all of that stuff? What’s that one do? Also, there’s no way you need all that stuff in that bag. Some of that can be combined into a single pill.
These people are always so bumbling.
Oh no, it’s them.
When we get to that movie in a later feature, that’s probably all you’re writing.
I think I already did write it up, and I didn’t just do that. I was gonna, but then I had that moment of, “I don’t want that to be the only thing I say, because this is actually a great movie, and I should really talk it up.” Because it’s not exactly one of those things that everybody knows. So I gotta pimp it and get people excited about it.
Still don’t think I’ve ever told that story yet. Not sure if and when I will.
“It’s happening. Sooner than I calculated.”
“It’s happening” is an acceptable alternative to “Oh no, it’s them.”
What’s happening, the alignment? Can you not stop off at a pub and make your ancestors proud before we have to get into something technical and boring?
Or just go to the pub and wait for all this to blow over.
They haven’t really explained what the universe of darkness is like. Is it less bright than the current universe? If so, sign me the fuck up.
Well that was convenient.
How did they not get sucked into the portal if they were standing on it?
No way one of them doesn’t get a beak to the genitals.
This movie is one giant beak to the genitals.
I miss Kenneth Branagh.
“What the hell was that? Why are you smiling?”
“There’s nothing more reassuring than realizing the world is crazier than you are.”
Another line I approve of in theory.
“Take me to Jane’s lab.”
WHAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! That’s what gets him sane again?
Did you guys spend more than ten minutes writing this script?
First, no, they definitely did not. And second, are we not more upset of that primo medication he just dumped? Dude, that’s good for selling or using.
Also a great point. You had a god in your brain, and now you have it back. So what better thing to do than NOT USE IT AGAIN. You know how great that shit will work with booze? Keep it.
Also, there’s no way his dick works with all of those pills.
Meanwhile, Natalie is doing what all of our brains are doing
I’m also super glad it’s just Thor and Loki. The other muppets got left on Asgard for other reasons. Hooray, you participated! Now stay out of the rest of the movie.
You know what would have been a better movie? First act: they’re finished cleaning up all the bullshit on the other realms. Thor comes back. Loki is in chains and in the cell. They can still do the Jane/Sif bullshit with Odin. Meanwhile, they bring in other prisoners. Just like they do here. And dude uses his Fire Stone to evolve into Dark/Fire type. And he fucks shit up and Frigga is killed. And you can even do the raid thing. Introduce your villain that way. Kursed breaks out of prison, causes chaos, allowing no one to be watching the borders, when Malekith shows up. He comes in, takes the Aether (which is on Asgard, because that’s where it’s safest. And you can pull the shit where Odin or Neils Bor was supposed to bury it and did not, and that decision is coming back to roost. It just got his wife killed). So the first time you see Malekith is not in some flashback story, it’s some guy and his henchman who show up in the most secure place (supposedly) and fuck shit up and kill Mom. And then it’s, “Who was that?” “Malekith” and you can do your fucking backstory there. And then they can fight over how to proceed.
Or, actually… even better. Ready for this? He doesn’t even take the Aether. He takes the key to where it’s buried. It should have been a secret to all, but they kept the answer with them, and Odin should have destroyed it but didn’t. So now, the only way they can find where the Aether is and stop Malekith is the one person who can either decipher or figure out the answer and get to secret places — Loki. And the entire second act is your road trip between the brothers. Dealing with all of this. More scenes like this, just them, character development, more of what we want to see with these movies. Then you can cut to whatever the fuck you want on Earth and I’m okay with it. Keep the warriors on Asgard. You can even put a small side plot with them if you want. Only if you focus mostly on Sif, since she’s the only one who matters. But then, Thor and Loki are on this trip, figuring shit out, processing grief, and you never know if Loki is gonna turn on him or not — and then you can run the rest of this movie from here on out as it is, and it’s way better.
And no AIDS. That’s the other thing. No Natalie getting AIDS. Let her just study the convergence. Even if that puts her in harm’s way later on, fine. Or even — fuck it. You can give her AIDS. Just give her AIDS midway through the movie. By accident. After it means something. And then that’s a twist that changes how they have to proceed from there.
And that’s just off the top of my head.
Why does Natalie look like she has blacked out eyes?
Now for another edition of “Spaceship or God Dick?”
Because you knew that.
I’m happy she remembers the bad guy’s name, cause I sure as hell can’t be expected to.
Is this where the portkey is?
Remember good movies? I really wish they’d spare me the rest of this flick.
Remember Good Movies?
I’m 26 and I’m already going, “You kids today don’t know what good movies are.”
Shit, I was saying that at 19.
Kinda the way Stellan Skarsgard was explaining the convergence.
In my underwear, with shoes.
Is there even a plan here? Just get here and deal with it? Why did no one tell them the Aether can’t be destroyed? Maybe if you make it that Odin didn’t mention because he just wanted Malekith to show up so he could kill him and it was a rage thing. This is just — nonsensical.
Really curious where they shot this.
And by that I mean, what soundstage with all the green screen.
So you guys just came home and are now standing in this desolate place? That’s your plan? Do you sleep? What’s the deal here? It’s like you only landed here, on this giant planet, in the exact same spot where the heroes are, even though there are hundreds of thousands of miles where you could have landed, just so the plot could happen.
“All right. You ready?”
Why are you looking at him? You have no purpose here, Natalie.
When you think about it, this is them traveling to the Space Jungle to find a shaman who can medicine man the AIDS out of her.
Half/light, half dark. Oh, sweet irony.
So they just show up here and are standing right in front of the guy? What terrible writing.
“You know this plan of yours is gonna get us killed.”
“You still don’t trust me, brother?”
Wait, you’re trusting Loki? Why? This seems ill-advised.
“No I wouldn’t.”
Did he give you that knife? Did you just have that?
He’s not super fast on the dagger block, is he? And we’ve missed yet another stabbed face. Stabbed faces are meant to be savored, but Marvel throws them away.
There’s your giveaway.
How can you tell in this darkness?
In your condition?
I’m trying to decide whether or not Marvel’s dickish enough for this to be the ruse. Like, have this be a big surprise betrayal that turns out to be a Loki illusion the whole time. I think they’re dickish enough for that. Loki probably does care about all this but only wants to put on a show for the Dark Elf guy – I’ve honestly already forgotten his name again. I know it’s Mal something because apparently there’s Latin in space, too.
Just gonna get it out of the way now — Male-kith and kaboodle.
Not even interested enough to try to work that in.
Wouldn’t you be wondering why this was all happening in front of you? And seriously, why is this just a planet of rocks?
“You really think I cared about Frigga? About any of you?”
Maybe should have started this sooner if you wanted anyone to believe it.
“All I ever wanted was you and Odin dead at my feet.”
The hammer isn’t coming to him. Why is your arm randomly out?
Now he has no hand, so Natalie can’t keep loving him. This is only the 56th franchise we’ve covered with a hand amputation. For shit’s sake, this is the second of Natalie’s franchise boyfriends who loses a hand.
Right here, you know it’s bullshit. We didn’t get enough screen time devoted to this relationship for a lost limb to be considered potentially legitimate.
Yeah, I don’t believe this for a second. Marvel’s totally dickish enough not to follow through with this and make it a ruse. We already saw Loki grieving on his own after realizing she really was his mother. At this point I’m only wondering how long the ruse goes. They keep going back to the elf dude watching, which is important.
“I am Loki of Jotunheim. And I bring you a gift.”
Is really what this is.
“I ask only one thing in return.”
Get some lotion, dude.
“A good seat from which to watch Asgard burn.”
“He is an enemy of Asgard. He was a prisoner in their dungeons.”
They should have huddled. That would have made this better.
Also, who cares if he was a prisoner. Why is he here, then?
“Look at me.”
I am the captain now?
So you can do that.
Why don’t you kill him now?
Also, can’t he control the hammer with the other arm?
Natalie has a bad history with the Force.
Does that hurt? That shit is coming out of your eyes.
Zack Snyder just came in his pants.
So now Two Face Elrond pulls the SHIV out of Amidala.
Coughing up the AIDS blood.
So is Earth dead now, or…?
Is this some Independence Day shit? She knows him plan now, or whatever? Because they explained it to us before. We know what he’s gonna do.
Is this Universe AIDS? I have no idea what I’m looking at, other than weird stuff infecting the universe.
I like that this actor was paid for this performance. I’m like 95% certain it’s the same guy who was the bad guy in the Gone in 60 Seconds remake. Which also makes him the guy from G.I. Joe. He got paid to basically stand there for most of the movie. Good for him. Easy paycheck, and he isn’t remembered for being in a terrible movie.
So is she dead now, or…?
Also, if the Aether is used to create darkness, shouldn’t it have had some sort of side effects? Couldn’t it have gone Venom?
Aaaaand there’s the ruse. I’d have been seriously surprised if this had played out as a real betrayal.
This is why I maintain this is the worst Marvel movie of them all. They do everything wrong, and everything they pretend to do is immediately undone. I’ll take a bad movie, but don’t make me watch something that’s utterly pointless.
But Liv Tyler breathing and impossible cab drivers. Anyway, we’re gonna get to this.
I think I’ve discovered where the fundamental difference is in our opinions. But that’s for another time.
You look sickly.
Malekith didn’t know when to kill his problems.
Why does the hammer only work with the right arm? Is that your jerk-off arm?
I feel like every arm is his jerk-off arm.
Yeah, that’s not gonna do it.
Turns out the energy required to zap Space HIV is exactly 1.21 gigawatts.
Everyone’s just standing there, watching this happen.
Are they as bored as we are?
Why does it even do that?
Motherfucker, we still got 30 minutes left.
You’re protecting her? At least show some ambivalence.
Good job, your plan backfired.
Wait, I don’t…what? Two Face Elrond got the Space HIV anyway?
That’s an Infinity Stone. And apparently he can control that? Isn’t that dangerous? For other people? Mostly Thanos?
You know, we can’t see anything, but I’m also not sure I want to.
Well that’s badass. Just walk away, knowing they can’t do shit.
Wait, what? You can just use the fire rock whenever you need to? That thing has a time limit?
This thing is the fucking Scooby Snack of Marvel.
That grenade looked exactly like the thing they used to turn themselves into the monster things. Is there a difference? Does anyone care? I do not.
Oh, it was a grenade. I thought it was the fire stone.
Great job with the lighting and the explaining things, guys!
Loki actually tries to save her and does, sacrificing himself. Not sure what that’s about, but he seems to have done a full 180. Maybe he’ll be a good guy from now on. This would be a good time to remind people that I haven’t seen this before.
Well that’s not how that usually works out.
You have a hammer, right? So throw it at the ship?
What just — oh, he got tackled by the other guy.
This is still the black guy, just with new powers, right?
3-1 he’s an orphan.
Makes sense, we still have a half hour left, so the bad guy has to peace with the SHIV and get set for the final showdown where he almost kills the universe.
I wanna see a badass Loki fight using tricks and stuff. Instead he just stabbed a guy in the neck. Which, you know what? Yes. I’m always good with a stab to the neck. Cause that’s the way to get people. Stab them in the fucking jugular without warning.
Good thing that was conveniently there.
Holy shit, but I’m bored.
I guess, for posterity’s sake, I should through in a, “EUAAHH!!!!!”
He’s too much of a badass. Thor’s getting done like Hercule.
Wait, I thought nobody could stop the hammer in mid-flight. Doesn’t it have the density of a star or something?
Huh? What? I was mixing another drink and wishing I had Stellan Skarsgard’s medication.
Wow, he’s beating the SHIT out of Thor.
Jesus. When Odin said that Thor would be King, I didn’t think he meant Rodney.
Oh great… that moment we’ve seen in like… dozens of other movies.
Always with the stab from behind, but just as with the Destroyer….yeah, didn’t think it was gonna do much to him. Speaking of which, do they have another Destroyer?
Nice one, Samwise.
You didn’t think this through properly.
Well that didn’t work out as you’d planned.
This would have been a good time to use an illusion, by the way.
At least Tom Hiddleston understands the importance of a good stabbed face.
That’s how you know I don’t care. I didn’t even through in the Optimus scream.
“I thought we had an understanding, man.”
“Fuck yo understanding.”
This is what happens after you get stabbed. You lay there, thinking about your life, thinking about the fact that you were just stabbed.
Does he have these cuts later? I guess we’ll find out.
I respect a guy who walks around with a sword through his chest.
So…bomb on the belt like in Casino Royale?
They’re ripping off all of these other movies. Another reason I hate this more than everything else.
So if that grenade sends you into darkness, and he is darkness… you know what, fuck it.
“See you in hell, monster.”
Pretty soon, from the looks of it.
He says “no, no, no, no” like Shia in the Transformers movies. Go back and watch those. “No, no, no, no” is like 80 percent of his dialogue.
Guess what the other 20% is.
“You fool. You didn’t listen.”
Oh, Bubba, no.
“I’m a fool. I’m a fool.”
He does fake dying well.
“Stay with me.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll tell Father what you did here today.”
And then what? You’re ‘dead’. You don’t get to see the reaction. And if you’re not dead, you’re still in prison.
“I didn’t do it for him.”
He did it for the puss-ay.
Are they implying he did it for Thor? Because I’m guessing it was for Mom.
I like Hiddleston. But isn’t he supposed to be in another movie? Isn’t he in other stuff? This is the thing with Marvel – I can’t believe he’s dying. They wouldn’t kill him. If we get to the end of this movie and he’s still dead, I’ll applaud them with reservation on the grounds that I still assume they’ll bring him back, but I’ll also be annoyed that they chose to kill one of the only legit actors around.
If they bring him back before the end of the movie or credits sequence, I’ll be annoyed at their lack of commitment and the fact that they’ll have resurrected him twice in two movies, but try to take solace in Hiddleston staying around.
Did he turn green, gray, or is the lighting just that bad?
YES! SHE’S GONNA BRING HIM THE THE BLUE SHIT!!!!!
This is all your doing, Natalie.
When people die, we cut out wide. Might as well survey the emotional wreckage, savor it. This is what it looks like when family members die.
Except no blue shit.
Is he gonna set him on fire now?
“Where can I get a boat around here?”
Also, how come we’re just letting the villain get away with the weapon that can destroy the universe?
Oh good, more dirt.
Did they just leave the body there?
Hey, so wouldn’t this make for a striking visual if maybe WE COULD SEE WHAT THE SHIT WAS ON THE SCREEN
Is this The English Patient? Is she gonna die in a cave?
I feel like one day, I’ll die in a cave.
“He’s gonna unleash it. Not just on Asgard, or on a star. Malekith is gonna destroy everything.”
We knew that.
WHAT?!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HOW?!!!
He’s gonna win the electoral vote and then systematically destroy the tenets of universal democracy. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA DO IT?!!!
“I saw him on Earth.”
And why Earth, by the way? Just cause? The plot? He has no reason to be on Earth at all.
“Why would he go to Earth?”
Oh, good. You have problems with the logic too.
Oh… I get it. Selvig’s figuring out Earth is the convergence point for all the realms, isn’t he? It’s a median thing, isn’t it? Because naturally, Earth has to be the center of the universe.
Correction: Natalie is the center of the universe.
“None of this would have happened if I hadn’t found the Aether.”
Technically, yes. But the only reason you found the Aether is because of some bullshit plot convenience. So I’m giving you a pass on this. As much as I’d like to not.
It really was her fault, though. They try to make it not her fault, but the bad guy only woke up because of the AIDS radar. So well done, there.
“Then Malekith would have only possessed it that much sooner.”
Okay, couple of things. First – sure, maybe he would have possessed it sooner. It calls to him, and you didn’t know he was alive. Sure. But on the other hand – your mother’s dead. Your brother’s “dead” (because you know he’s not dead), and we had to suffer through an awful movie. So maybe he should have possessed it that much sooner.
“I only found it because I was looking for you.”
The moral here? Don’t look for him.
“Now we’re trapped here.”
And apparently there’s a cell tower here.
What kind of data plan do the Dark Elves have?
Marvel: Because At This Point, What The Hell, Right?
“It’s not me.”
Ain’t no cell phones on Asgard, man, I’m head to toe legitimate.
Does anyone else have a problem with all these plot conveniences? Because at this point, I’m starting to throw my hands up and let them be. Because if this isn’t infuriating the dumb audience, then who am I to say anything? Because even someone along for the ride should be questioning how the fuck that just happened.
“Hi, Jane, it’s Richard.”
Really? So Darcy’s been trying to call you for two days, and the guy you had a half a date with calls you and that goes through?
It’s only cause they’re right next to the plot hole, er, wormhole.
“I’m still at the office. It’s been a crazy day here today.”
Wait, what? This has all been ONE DAY?!
They brought back this poor bastard.
“This is amazing.”
So because of the Convergence, you have cell service?
Also, what’s more important, to remark how crazy this is, or to NOT BE TRAPPED HERE?
“How am I getting service here?”
“Is this a bad time? Do you want me to try you later?”
“No, no, no, no, no, please, whatever you do, don’t hang up the phone.”
Why? Hang up and call someone more important.
“I was just wondering if you wanted to try again. Maybe dinner next time.”
So she leads on this poor man and finds that of this entire massive planet, they’ve stumbled into the rock vagina that happens to be the other side of her local wormhole.
Are the car keys there too?
I really should just expect this shit.
“Why are there so many shoes in here?”
There are too many shoes in this rock vagina.
There Are Too Many Shoes in This Rock Vagina.
Also, if I had a nickel…
Also, for some reason (don’t ask my why) that made me think of Kookaburra.
Just sitting in the old rock vagina.
How gay his life must be indeed.
“I’ll just text her.”
Did that count as roaming?
Convergence? More like Convenience!
Is something I should have said way sooner than this.
He can fly, you know.
This poor Volvo. What did you do to this poor Volvo, you strumpet? This isn’t even fit for a vampire.
“So who’s Richard?”
Yeah, maybe ask that before this.
I forgot she was wearing the robes.
She busts in, wearing her weirdo clothes.
Might be my favorite shot in the film.
I’m really confused about why that rack doesn’t fall down under the weight of his god hammer.
At this point, I don’t even give a fuck. There are such gigantic logic holes and things I hate, I’m allowing this to not make sense and be okay with it.
“Jane! How wonderful.”
And you thought the pencil shot was the key to comedy.
“You’ve been to Asgard.”
“Where are your pants?”
That’s a good point. They’re not making much of how she’s the first human to set foot on another planet.
‘He says it helps him think.”
“Are you well, Erik?”
“Your brother’s not coming, is he?”
“My brother is dead.”
“Oh, thank god.”
“I – I’m sorry sorry.”
That’s the Mads Mikkelsen face.
“I hate your dead brother! Fuck him! Undies!”
Back to the shit planet because 45 seconds on Earth is too long.
Wow. They didn’t even keep him dead for five minutes.
And of course Loki’s alive. He just wanted to peace out his own way rather than get locked up again.
“Forgive me, my liege. I’ve returned from the Dark World with some news.”
Why were you there in the first place?
Why is it called the Dark World sometimes? Doesn’t it have another name in their parlance? Why does every planet have to have Gandalf nicknames left and right?
Do you want to have to call it Svartleheim, or whatever the fuck? Svartlemeinkampf? I know there’s a random f in there somewhere. SvartleFUCKYOU is more like it.
Damn baby, are you a Dark Elf, because you are Svartle-FINE.
Oh, right, there’s a movie going on here.
“There’s no sign of Thor. Or the weapon, but –”
“We found a body.”
He’s going to see how Odin reacts? Is that what this is? Can Odin not sense him? I’d think he’d be able to, considering that he was with Frigga all that time.
That’s how you end the scene? Not even Odin’s reaction?
No reaction now. Maybe later. They could do a nice funeral that he shows up to.
“Malekith is going to fire the Aether at a spot where all nine worlds are connected.”
If it’s fucking Disney World…
“Amplifying the weapon’s impact. For each additional world, the power will increase exponentially.”
You know that… how?
And also, where is SHIELD during all this?
“The effect would be universal.”
Exposition we don’t care about. Yes, the convergence, something about ancient peoples understanding alien shit….as if we didn’t already get enough of that from Transformers, Prometheus, Crystal Skull, The History Channel and just about everywhere else you turn.
“Yes, but the alignment is only temporary. He must be in exactly the right place at the right time.”
And somehow, he knows where that is.
And how do they know where that is?
They follow the directions.
“This has happened before. Thousands of years ago.”
FUCK THIS TABLE SHIT!
All the civilizations made use of the gravitational effects, and they made a map.
Stonehenge and shit are a map.
Sure they are.
Where do they lead?
It’s gonna be a… mean time.
Greenwich: It’s Mean Time, Bitches.
I love that we both went there individually, and months apart. But it’s also probably the only thing you can do with it.
“The walls between worlds are gonna be almost nonexistent. Physics is gonna go ballistic. Increases and decreases in gravity.”
Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria.
“The very fabric of reality is gonna be torn apart.”
“I better get my pants.”
The best way to go into any action scene.
END PART IV.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part V, and the merciful end to this piece of shit.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)