Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor: The Dark World (2013), Part V — “By the Way, I Condone None of This”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor: The Dark World.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Thor: The Dark World.

We begin Part V here.

The UK has a great landscape for overheads.

Colin:

And butterheads.

She goes over some exposition. I don’t really give a fuck, nor should you. Because everything we’re seeing is utterly pointless. All of it.

Good thing you guys were randomly living in London, though. Weird how the events of both movies took place at the exact spots you guys set up shop.

Colin:

And more stupid artifacts to be brought to a place for convergence. So Revenge of the Fallen, Crystal Skull….

Someone should stop her and ask a question. Because that’s what we’re at with this franchise.

Is that who you are? You’re the shushing bitch? Nobody wants to be the shushing bitch.

Colin:

Worse, nobody wants to be WITH the shushing bitch. Shut up, library girl. Get the hell out of the library.

And that look Natalie gives her is exactly what you give a shushing bitch.

Colin:

The only thing I give shushing bitches is 10 seconds to get their shit and get out of my sight.

Apparently that’s not illegal.

Colin:

They’re on a campus with an observatory. I think at most schools you can just do stuff as long as an adult is there, and they probably think you’re sanctioned.

The fact that they were right about this…

Colin:

Greenwich is a big place, but what the hell. Same spot, sure. Natalie found a wormhole exit at exactly the right place, right? TWICE.

Gonna let you all know now – I don’t remember any of this whatsoever. My memories of this movie end with the Loki part, flying on the gliders.

Colin:

I want more gliders in movies. Like actual gliders. Does anybody remember the gliders from A Bridge Too Far and how awesome glider scenes are?

Let’s not forget Live and Let Die.

Colin:

Tony Stark’s probably just chilling with Pepper at the moment. And Banner’s still just hanging out. The rest of them….yeah, I dunno.

Nobody cares about Barton.

What month is this?

Fuck roads. Who cares if that was paved hundreds of years ago?

Colin:

Bay filmed on the pyramids.

And God Bless Him Too.

Why is your ship vertical, by the way?

And somehow no police or anything shooting at this.

Colin:

And commence the final showdown. We’ve got like 20 minutes left, meaning 15 minutes of action and five to wind down.

Not even, right? Are you counting the 6-8 minutes of credits?

Colin:

I always forget how long the credits are in these movies, and I should really remember that, because it softens the blow when you open VLC and see 2:15:00.

Boing action movie line about how it doesn’t matter that he’s here.

Retort about how the villain ain’t shit.

“Your universe was never meant to be.”

So how did it happen? Accident? Nocturnal emission?

“Your world and your family will be extinguished.”

Uhh, hate to tell you, but…

Colin:

There were people in theaters going, “Yeah!” at this moment, and that makes me sad.

Parker get out?

Or is this gonna be the Eastwood zoom when he’s standing in the barn as they’re gonna hang Eli Wallach?

“Running out of time.”

Not even a full sentence. You don’t even have the energy to say the generic dialogue.

“You sure this is gonna work?”

Top notch writing. Real good work, guys.

“These devices were made to detect anomalies, not cause them.”

So what, they’re gonna transport them to the Dark Elves’ planet and then have that blow up?

Colin:

Dragon Ball Z plot. But that place wouldn’t blow up, cause this is where the shit works.

So does Odin not give a shit about any of this?

I hate it when people throw AIDS blood at me.

Colin:

I was just about to say how weird it is that he can shoot his Space HIV, but that’s pretty much how HIV works in real life too. By the way, I condone none of this.

By the Way, I Condone None of This

Colin:

Aether kills the universe, right? Cause it hasn’t really scratched Thor yet.

The grass looks real though. So that’s… something I can say.

Colin:

Electric ground move? That’s very cool.

Seems like we’re not gonna get very far in this fight.

Is he gonna smell his fingers again?!

“For all that power, I thought you’d hit harder.”

Distraction 101.

You people are fucking useless.

There goes that library.

Colin:

And hopefully that shushing bitch with it.

Should have hit that green Beetle.

Fuck cars.

This is a cool way to sing a power ballad.

Uh huh.

You know what this moment is? The part where they cut back to the humans in Transformers.

Colin:

Well, let’s pack it up. Apparently some component of the universe’s salvation lies with Darcy.

“The Convergence will be in full effect in seven minutes.”

I don’t even care to ask how he knows this. At this point, just fucking get it over with.

“That just means we have to keep Malekith busy for eight.”

Easy for you to say. It’s your boyfriend that has to do it. You just have to stand there and talk about how much smarter you are than everyone.

Also, it’ll be in full effect… but for how long? Wouldn’t you have to accomplish your goal by eight minutes?

Let’s just fucking end this.

And then they were horribly mauled by a bear.

Is this a street race mission? Are those the checkpoints?

“You might want to hold onto something.”

She says, as she does not that.

Colin:

She’s creating wormholes, which…if that was a thing, I would never take out the trash again.

Why are you moving that thing like a Wii remote?

And apparently the rest of these guys just don’t notice or don’t care.

Colin:

Weird how it doesn’t affect the ground or the grass. Wormholes don’t stop at the grass. Air, elves, grass, dirt — it’s all matter.

“That is awesome.”

That’s the exact face you’d think she’d make in this situation.

“Great job, Natalie! That was brilliant like someone who went to Harvard!”

And then this face.

And now she explains how she did it.

Colin:

Has nobody talked about how these Dark Elves have creepy baby faces?

“Ooh, get the guy with the sword.”

Several of them have swords.

Yeah, because it requires skill and/or effort to do this.

Colin:

Is that a Sega Nomad? Pretty sure that’s a Sega Nomad.

Oh man, I had a Nomad.

“Oops.”

Yeah, and you noticed that.

“What the hell just happened?”

How did you end up back here?

Colin:

I hoped so badly that she’d killed Darcy and the other intern. But alas, Marvel cannot grant me even that small respite.

How did she fuck up that badly that the range went in the complete opposite direction that she was aiming?

Thor runs at people.

Safe!

I can’t tell if I even like this in theory or not.

“Oh, you thought I went through the portal, huh, motherfucker? PSYCHE!”

Humans in a nutshell: gathering around to watch the apocalypse.

Colin:

I hope all of these students get glass to the eyes.

“What are you all doing? You need to get out of here now!”

WHOA! That’s like the third time Natalie’s called out logic issues right after they popped up.

Of course… she went to Harvard.

“That’s Thor out there.”

But she’s seen his dick.

Colin:

I actually don’t think she has.

This is Thor. Everyone’s seen his dick.

It would be funny to see him chopping wood with his hammer.

People are dumb.

Colin:

Marvel did grant me that smallest of respites.

If he zapped him with dick electricity, I’d about face on this movie’s quality.

Why is he in blackface all of a sudden? Is it war paint?

Oh, I see, it’s a mask.

Conveniently placed portals.

So put the hammer on him and leave it there. And this movie is over.

Going through the portals is a nice gimmick that may seem fun, but it actually prevents the fight from getting any steam. Too many stops and starts.

A HA HA he hit him in the face while falling.

Everybody falls the first time.

Colin:

These wormholes are out of hand. A little tricky to keep up with, honestly. Can they keep him here and wait out the seven minutes?

Oh, THAT is actually a great idea. The hammer has to take the long way back.

Colin:

Now they’re just putting wormholes everywhere, and his hammer is gone.

Of course. You have Aether, so why wouldn’t you punch him in the face?

Oh… the hammer has to turn back now.

GPOY

That face is the most human thing he’s done all movie.

Colin:

Always with the reaction shots from people inside. Always.

What’s the range on his hammer stretch? Does it not come unless he stretches? And it can hear him from all the way out there?

Why is the hammer at street level if it’s coming from space?

Sure, physics is going all over the place, so why not send in jets?

Who ordered this?

Colin:

These jets, by the way – Eurofighter Typhoons. Because we’re in England and they have whak planes. None of those sexy F-35s in this movie.

Why the full on mask? So it can be CGI and not an actor?

Colin:

Ever stare into a missile’s anus?

Not longingly.

A HA HA YOU JUST BOMBED SPACE ASIA.

Colin:

And they get sent to Space Mongolia! Hah! Space China is gonna be freaking out.

They have something to do.

That doesn’t look like proper rubble.

Colin:

I have nothing to say. Nothing at all. Is it really worth it for me to try to find shit to say for entertainment value? There is none.

The greatest hits.

I hope I get the opportunity to make a Jotun-heimlich pun.

Colin:

Jotunheim. No frost giants entering the fray? No. Just this big, derpy thing again.

Wonder how many frost giants are left.

Thor is kind of the Andrew Jackson of frost giants.

Oh good, the ice beast is now on Earth.

Also, hey, remember when Sif and Gimli were in this movie?

Why are these guys shooting at THESE specific people? Isn’t their plan to turn the universe back into darkness? What exactly are these two assholes doing?

Colin:

They all disappeared through a wormhole and we cut back to Greenwich, meaning…yeah. It eats bad guys. And hopefully some civilians.

That was GREAT. Just fall the fuck down when an ice beast shows up.

Why do they always roar before they attack?

So what happens if that doesn’t go back through a portal?

Colin:

Darcy could die!

A HA HA HA okay

Why aren’t more people taking advantage of this?

“You saved my life.”

“Yeah.”

Jesus.

Colin:

Nope. And now she’s in love with British dude, even though her obvious character typing means that she’ll probably show it by saying something like, “We’re gonna have to start paying you…”

YOU HAVE GUNS!!

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING BEHIND THEM WHAT IS GOING ON I’M GONNA GO TAKE A SAUNA IN THE OVEN

Colin:

Oh, or kissing in a wormhole. Let’s talk about how weird it is that she’s dipping HIM.

“Darcy?”

No, it’s fucking Odin.

“Jane!”

She won an Oscar.

Colin:

Mew mew? I hate you, Darcy. She calls Mjolnir “Mew Mew.”

Why did he end up there by himself?

“How do I get to Greenwich?”

“Take this train three stops.”

Colin:

Oh HELL no. Mjolnir would be faster. Though I guess he doesn’t know it’s on its way.

I’m very okay with this. This would have been great in a better movie. Instead this is a good idea that doesn’t make this terrible movie any better.

“Sorry.”

Love that smile.

Weird, because he’s supposed to be monogamous, but I love that he appreciates when people want the dick.

Colin:

She’s copping a feel and he likes it. I’ll accept this because if I wasn’t laughing, I’d be well on my way to alcohol poisoning.

Blackface elf.

Pokémon worlds.

Colin:

Looks like Magic: The Gathering is gathering, so it’s time to end this shit.

Can we talk about how this is the exact same ending as the first movie?

Guy uses a thing that, when put through portals to other worlds, can destroy them.

Same. Exact. Thing.

“We’re out of time.”

Dialogue.

Colin:

Out of time? I wish. There are still 15 minutes to go, including credits.

“Jane!”

Because white women are dumb.

Again, same as the first one. You didn’t fool me the first time, but fuck you anyway.

Colin:

The fuck is this meat tornado?

YEAH FUCKING RIGHT

Oh look, he’s just here.

“Do those things stop it?”

“Not from here.”

Or from anywhere, really.

“We can’t get close enough.”

One of you flies.

Wasn’t the hammer just here? What’s the deal with that thing?

Colin:

“I can.” Fucking really.

Remember Resident Evil 2 the game? Man, that was fun.

Movie was shit, but the game was great, since it took place over like three square blocks.

Your only purpose in this movie.

Also, most obvious bus sign ever.

Colin:

I love how they never explain how she creates the wormholes. It’s just like, meh.

Looks like Thor is… in the Aether.

Colin:

I hope this isn’t a metaphor for heavy menstruation.

AIDS bath.

“Malekith!”

Colin:

What if his name was Malekiss and everyone pronounces it with a lisp?

“God damn it…”

“What the fuck do you want, Thor?”

“Have you come to watch the end of your universe?”

“I’ve come to attempt your surrender.”

Colin:

I still don’t like his voice as much as I liked Xerxes’.

Why is he attempting surrender? Be cocky. Like with the giant rock dude. Just accept it even though he didn’t offer it.

Space spear chucker.

Immediately drop it. Don’t ever hold onto shit when it’s that easy.

Colin:

Someone’s gonna luck out when they find that arm just chillin. Dutch Space Rudder, baby!

Did someone put the ring on? Why do you look like the guy who stabbed Frodo?

“You think you can stop this?”

“The Aether cannot be destroyed.”

“But you can.”

AND SOMEHOW THEY DIDN’T FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER

FUCK YOU GATE I’M A HAMMER

Colin:

Good timing, hammer. Just like the Mk 42, Mjolnir has better development than some of the characters in this movie.

BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

This movie is certainly wrapping up like a douche.

So what just happened? Is he dead or transported?

Really?

Oh no. This is where Natalie catches the ship because of that gravity bullshit.

Colin:

It’s gonna fall on him and she has to get him out of the way?

When you get caught dragging a body.

Colin:

It’s almost done, I can taste it.

Oh, so she doesn’t catch it. She’s useless. Selvig catches it.

Colin:

A HA HA!

Or transports it? What is going on?

Colin:

I mean of COURSE there’s gonna be a wormhole. No last respite.

Colin:

And it hits the bad guy in the dick, cause that’s how movies work.

So the Aether can’t be destroyed. Where is it?

“Ferris Bueller you’re my hero.”

Colin:

Darcy, that’s your employee. Total double standard, here.

Every time. Don’t know how to end a scene? Cut wide.

Welcome home, useless jets.

Colin:

The jets weren’t stuck there? I was kinda looking forward to the post-credits sequence where the pilots are living in Space Mongolia and drinking space horse milk and chilling in a space yurt.

Where’s Natalie’s mom? Isn’t this her house?

IS HER MOM GLORIA FOSTER IS SHE BAKING COOKIES RIGHT NOW

Not quite shawarma.

Colin:

Long, awkward silences. Good.

It’s better than dialogue.

“He’s gonna come back. Except, you know, last time he was gone for like, two years.”

Colin:

She hasn’t gotten a text from poor what’s his name. Richard. The guy who I remember better than the villain in this movie.

“Well it’s only been two days, so…”

“Did he say anything before he left?”

Colin:

“Nope. But I’m pretty sure he’ll be back. Showed him how I can fit Mjolnir in my mouth. He’s coming back.”

“Yeah, he had to figure some stuff out with his father. He kinda committed treason.”

“On our way out.”

Meanwhile, here he is, back where he committed treason.

“You once said –”

I hate any movie that pulls this shit. This is almost as bad as, “Someone once told me,” and they’re saying it to the person that told them.

Fucking bad dialogue.

“There would never be a wiser king than me.”

“You were wrong. The alignment has brought all the realms together. Every one of them saw you offer your life to save them.”

Colin:

As dad used to say, it ain’t treason if you’ve got a good reason.

How can you watch someone save you… if you’re dead?!

“What can Asgard offer its new king in return?”

Colin:

Odin’s hopping on his dick, which makes me wonder where Loki is for all of this. Either he’s plotting something or he already has.

Why is he offering him kingship like it ain’t shit? He didn’t do that for practically two movies now.

“My life.”

“Father, I cannot be king of Asgard. I will protect Asgard and all the realms with my last and every breath, but I cannot do so from that chair.”

Colin:

He doesn’t want the throne and can’t just accept it and have Jane be queen? Isn’t there always some way to make her immortal or something? Some Eiwa tree or some shit?

How much longer does Odin have? What happens when he goes? Who rules? Sif? He’s not thinking this one through. Nor have the writers.

“Loki, for all his grave unbalance, understood rule as I know I never will. The brutality, and the sacrifice, it changes you. I would rather be a good man than a great king.”

Colin:

Oh, wait. That Loki allusion…this better not be Loki. Shit, this is gonna be Loki pretending to be Odin, isn’t it?

“Is this my son I hear, or the woman he loves?”

“When you speak, do I never hear mother’s voice?”

Colin:

If you do, you should probably talk to a…healer.

“This is not for Jane, father. She does not know what I came here to say. Now forbid me to see her or say she can rule by my side, it changes nothing.”

“One son who wanted the throne too much, another who will not take it. Is this my legacy?”

“Loki died with honor. I shall try to do the same. Is that not legacy enough?”

Colin:

He’s smiling way too much at the ‘Loki died with honor’ bit.

He also totally ducked the question.

“It belongs to you. If you are worthy of it.”

“I shall try to be.”

“I cannot give you my blessing, nor can I wish you good fortune.”

“I know.”

“If I were proud of the man my son had become, even that I could not say.”

“It would speak only from my heart. Go, my son.”

“Thank you, father.”

Colin:

That was sweet of him, though I still don’t believe it’s Odin.

“No. Thank you.”

This is an old school shot. Reminds me of the last shot of Quo Vadis.

Colin:

Subtlety, thy name is Marvel.

If I really wanted to just gross everyone out, I’d put up a gif of a giant dick slamming into a gaping asshole right now.

Colin:

But even if you wanted to do that, you couldn’t. It would gif only from your heart.

So was that for the benefit of the audience? Is there no one else in this room that could see that? That’s a pretty big room to be sitting in all by yourself all day.

End credits scene 1.

“I present to you Taneleer Tivan. The Collector.”

Colin:

This chick is so gonna make it with Captain Kirk at some point.

Hi, kids, it’s Benicio del Toro.

Colin:

What’s this post-credits thing? Is this Guardians? Didn’t know it was Benicio. That’s good news. For all the readers out there, I still haven’t seen Guardians. Going in completely cold. No idea what it’s about.

“Asgardians. It’s an honor.”

What the hell is that?

“You know why we’re here.”

“Of course. But if I may ask, why not keep it secure in your own vault?”

The Plot.

“The Tesseract is already on Asgard. It’s not wise to keep two Infinity Stones so close together.”

Colin:

I still don’t really know what Infinity Stones are except that they have energy and can destroy the universe or something. Everything destroys the universe.

“That’s very wise.”

“I can assure you it will be absolutely safe here in my collection.”

Colin:

I’m loving how fucking weird Benicio is here.

“One down, five to go.”

Colin:

Well obviously he’s gonna want more. You entrusted just one of something to a guy whose title is “collector.”

This is my huge problem with a lot of these standalone movies. The worldbuilding elements actually hurt them. Because they’re essentially setting up for the big Infinity War where Thanos has all the stones and is gonna destroy the universe. Only problem is, this movie is utterly pointless. The only purpose of this movie is to introduce the Aether and reveal that it’s an Infinity Stone. The villain doesn’t matter, the story doesn’t matter. We have this thing, and it’s gonna be important in the future, but we won’t really explain it, and when we do explain it, it’s IN THE FUCKING CREDITS. Nothing that happens in this movie amounts to anything. Loki is in prison, but then they let him out of prison. Then he dies. But then he doesn’t die. And then he takes over for Odin, but nothing really happens there. This entire movie’s purpose exists for a ninety second scene in the end credits. You might as well have not even made the movie.

Colin:

Well, it looks like Odin’s gone, and Thor is definitely not becoming king now, and Loki’s ruling. So there’s something. My issue is, if Thanos is all-powerful or whatever, wouldn’t he swoop down and grab the Aether when he sees elf dude using it? You’d think that Thor wouldn’t even have to win — that Thanos would come down while everyone’s in a state of disarray and make off with the stuff.

Colin:

Two post credits sequences? What did we do to warrant this? I mean, other than sit through that movie.

Clean your skylight, Natalie.

Colin:

Natalie’s so dramatic when her boys aren’t around. “I don’t want my cereal. I’LL PROBABLY DIE!”

We can only hope.

Colin:

Thunder means he’s coming back. I’d love it if it was Idris Elba coming out of the bi-frost all slow and she fell to the ground like the mom in Saving Private Ryan.