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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Part I — “A Hero Is Never Too Busy For Pussy”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the first part of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - Title Card

Colin:

Only two to go, you guys. And then these awful people can’t hurt us anymore.

Marvel Logo - Captain America The Winter Soldier

Kinda liking this Marvel logo. It’s like Warner Bros, but with all their comic pages instead of the lot and shit.

Colin:

Thanks for reminding me at the beginning of each movie that these are all based on one of my least favorite media.

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Still not good with opening shots, though, huh?

Colin:

People who get up this early are dumb. Don’t get up that early. Nothing good happens at 4:30 am.

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Colin:

Jogging in DC. I guess he’s not in New York anymore for whatever reason. Too many minorities? Was it that? No, because DC’s got a lot of minorities too. And it’s not the rent or anything. Maybe we’ll find out.

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“On your left.”

Still holding out a little bit of hope that this is actually House of Cards.

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Colin:

Nice shot. Is this movie going to have nice shots? Am I going to set my expectations higher NOW? Is the real question I should be asking.

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“On your left.”

“Uh huh. On my left. Got it.”

Colin:

White guy is fast. I like Anthony Mackie, although…let’s just give all of our white heroes some black friends, am I right?

Except Aquaman. For… various reasons.

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I find it suspect that not a single person is around for this.

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“Don’t say it.”

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“Don’t you say it!”

“On your left.”

“Come on!”

I’m not really sure why he keeps doing this. I know if he runs into him, he’ll truck him over, but he’s gotta be doing it just to be shitty by this point. Why are they running the same route, anyway?

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He is run-ning!

(Which I had to say during this exact shot. For reasons that are hopefully obvious to everyone.)

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Weird transition.

“Need a medic?”

“I need a new set of lungs.”

Colin:

That sucks that he’s coming over to be shitty about being fast as all hell. It’s like, “Hey, the asshole slowpoke!” Steve Rogers is the closest thing to Sebulba that this franchise has.

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“You just ran like thirteen miles in thirty minutes.”

“Guess I got a late start.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself. You should take another lap. Did you take it? I assume you just took it.”

What is going on here?

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“What unit you with?”

“58th Pararescue. But now I’m working down at the VA.”

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“Sam Wilson.”

“Steve Rogers.”

“I kinda put that together.”

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“Must have freaked you out, coming home after the whole defrosting thing.”

“Takes some getting used to.”

So all that character development we could have gotten… there it is.

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“It’s your bed, right?”

“What’s that?”

“Your bed is too soft.”

“When I was over there, I’d sleep on the ground, use rock for pillows like a caveman. Now I’m home, lying in my bed and it’s like –”

“Lying on a marshmallow. I feel like I’m gonna sink to the floor.”

I don’t care about any of this.

Colin:

They’re having a vet tete-a-tete, which is kinda nice. They’ve got something in common, anyway, and this is a relatively innocent way to set up the characters. They get along, have something to talk about…not bad.

And it’s not a Brazilian man showing Ed Norton how to do gross shit with his abs.

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“You must miss the good old days, huh?”

“Well, things aren’t so bad. Food’s a lot better. We used ot boil everything. No polio’s good. Internet, so helpful. Been reading that a lot, trying to catch up.”

Colin:

They used to boil everything. And polio. Oh, the polio.

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“Marvin Gaye, 1972, Trouble Man soundtrack. Everything you missed, jammed into one album.”

Really? The black guy’s gotta say Marvin Gaye? Also, he’s not old enough to really know Marvin Gaye. Let’s not pretend like he’s really felt that music. This is bullshit character stuff, and I wanna feel like that was racist.

Anyone who tells you music will change your life is a pretentious asshole.

And fuck Garden State.

Colin:

First, fuck Garden State. Second, I agree that the “change your life” thing is pretentious. I don’t even say that about movies. I definitely don’t say it about music. And if you think some music is gonna change my life, you clearly don’t know me very well.

I will defend him a little bit and say that sometimes the music that we grew up with because our parents had it on can still feel relevant. And that album only predates him by six years. So, for me, that would be like recommending Return of the Jedi (and the whole Star Wars trilogy) despite the fact that I was born six years after it ended. I grew up with it, and it was still the big franchise in my life as a kid. I can’t really speak to his connection with Marvin Gaye, but I’ll allow it, I guess. Put it this way: in a Marvel movie, I’m willing to pick my battles.

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“I’ll put it on the list.”

You have a list.

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Colin:

He has a list of stuff to catch up on, which you totally would. Mine would be all food and movies. But let’s look at his list. I Love Lucy. I can think of other things. And that’s also the first thing on the list, above the goddamn moon landing. Someone told him that I Love Lucy was more important than everything.

And this list is not in chronological order, unless Nirvana started playing before Rocky came out. The moon landing and Berlin Wall, yeah. Steve Jobs, though…what? Why would HE be on the list? Disco, I guess, but as a whole genre, that’s weird. Maybe Saturday Night Fever. And then Thai food, cause that wasn’t a thing when he got frozen. Good choice, mostly.

Star Wars is the only thing crossed off, and you have to wonder what he thought of that. Wouldn’t he dislike most new movies? Nirvana doesn’t seem like his style AT ALL, and I guess they’re more important than Bob Dylan and Jimi Hendrix? For that matter, Bruce Springsteen seems more like Captain America’s thing. Rocky…yeah. But no To Kill a Mockingbird? No Dr. Strangelove? Even It’s A Wonderful Life, cause they’d be like, “Oh….you JUST missed this one. Pretty good.”

Notice how these are all generally positive things. Nobody told him about Vietnam

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That’s fucked up, that they’re just using him for missions. IS he getting paid for this, or are they just capitalizing on his patriotism? That’s fucked up that he can just be living his life and they can, any time a day, be like, “Oh, we got shit to do, a car’s gonna be outside in like four seconds to pick you up.” What if he says no? What do they do then?

Colin:

He figured out smartphones no problem, huh? I thought he’d have to be like my grandfather. Always tapping really nervously, straight down.

Also, why is there a smiley? “We have to go kill an Algerian pirate! :)” And Nick Fury’s like, “That’s still classified, Natasha .(“

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And then he jokes with him. This is dumb. This should not be here at all. This is that stupid Marvel shit that I hate. They’re setting up a character in the universe. This should happen later. They should have started with the action. Because this dialogue is too awful for words.

Mackie… or Sam. I actually remembered his name… asks Cap to come by the VA hospital to impress the chick at the front desk.

Honestly, if you were a paratrooper and can’t get the chick at the front desk interested without help, you shouldn’t be trying.

Also, I’ll lay you odds that the chick behind the desk is black. Because that’s how these movies work.

Colin:

He has a black friend named Sam. They had a nice little game, running around the reflecting pool. I’m sure he’ll be back to see Sam when he wants to play it again.

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That’s inauspicious.

Colin:

She has a Corvette. So there they are. Two vets and a Vette. I like the new Corvette, too. They’ve won me over for the first time since like…1968. And honestly, if you’re going to resurrect the Stingray nameplate for the first time since 1976, a black-on-black coupe driven by Scarlett Johansson is about as good a job as you can do.

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“Hey, fellas. Either one of you know where the Smithsonian is, I’m here to pick up a fossil.”

Colin:

She called him a ‘fossil.’ Maybe he gets that reference, now that he’s seen Star Wars.

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“Hey… little white lady.”

Colin:

Sam wants summa dat cookie.

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“Can’t run everywhere.”

Probably for the best that line wasn’t reversed. The black guy saying it to the white lady in DC.

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“No you can’t.”

You also can’t go home again. Can’t take it with you. Can’t always get what you want. Can’t stop the beat. Can’t hurry love. Can’t judge a book by its cover. Can’t handle the truth. Can’t fight City Hall. Can’t keep a good man down. Can’t fix stupid. Can’t make this stuff up. Can’t win them all. Can’t touch this. Can’t have your cake and eat it too. And you can’t polish a turd. Which is what we’re trying to do right now.

Colin:

Mike really can’t turn off the hate anymore. Mine comes and goes. Right now I’m just think about how this isn’t Natalie Portman talking to British children.

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Is Corvette (or whoever makes them) really giving them money for this, or are they just showing it because why not? (It seems like so many shot choices in Marvel movies are because, “That’s just what we do,” and not because it’s interesting or really gets the scene across in any artistic way.

Colin:

This was actually a really big deal, which is why the shots were as gratuitous as they were. There are several cars that have debuted on the silver screen, and it’s usually something of an event. Think about the Mustang’s debut in Goldfinger, which featured plenty of glam shots and a few good looks at the badge.  More recently, you’ve got Ghost Protocol, featuring the BMW i8 WAY before it was on sale, or even Iron Man, which was the screen debut of the Audi R8.

This is the screen debut of the Chevy C7 Corvette Stingray, which is a massive deal because that’s one of the longest running car “franchises” of all time. So this was Chevy getting in what they REALLY want to show (though why they don’t feature it later, I have NO idea) before doing more boring product placement for the rest of the movie. As for this shot — the quad pipes are a major design feature that distinguishes the new Stingray and the twin flags badge is iconic Corvette imagery, so I think this low shot at the rear of the car was the obvious choice.

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And now we’re on a jet.

Over the Indian Ocean.

Why didn’t we just start with this and put the running stuff afterward?

Colin:

Thanks for the coordinates, assholes. Unless you’re going to do it Tom Clancy style like in The Hunt for Red October and give us the location and stuff the way it would go in a naval communique, spare us the coordinates. In fact, the speed at which they flashed it on the screen shows how little they really care about us reading it. It’s all for appearances’ sake.

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Their target is some shit on a boat.

Colin:

Starting us with an unrelated mission (or is it?) and its lengthy briefing. You could skip the briefing and put us on the ship in the middle of the mission, unless the briefing is super important for later details. And if it is, you probably shouldn’t be shoving it in our faces three minutes into the movie.

It’s Marvel. It’s never unrelated.

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Oh, pirates. Nice.

Seriously, why didn’t you start with this?

The pirates want a billion and a half dollars because it’s a SHIELD ship.

And why are you not immediately suspicious that they know about SHIELD?

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“So it’s not off-course, it’s trespassing.”

“I’m sure they have a good reason.”

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“You know, I’m getting a little tired of being Fury’s janitor.”

Hey, I just brought up that issue!

“Relax, it’s not that complicated.”

So basically, he’s like, “Why am I cleaning up the mess of an organization that’s doing shady shit?” and she’s there to stop him from asking questions with her tits and ass.

Colin:

Oh, I thought he was making a comment about how white guys aren’t supposed to do janitorial work. I was going to call him a racist, but your explanation makes more sense.

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25 pirates, led by this guy. They describe him with some shit. Basically, he’s a bad dude who’s wanted by a lot of people.

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“I think I fucked him.”

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“Guy’s get a rep for maximum casualties.”

My kinda guy.

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He’s gonna sweep the deck, they’re gonna do the boring work.

Colin:

He gives them orders in a tone of voice that most people reserve for telling their employees to work late and wrap things up.

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Colin:

Why did we just cut to the outside of the aircraft? I have no idea why we saw that or what it means.

They just really like showing you shit in the dark.

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“You do anything fun Saturday night?”

Colin:

He’s also using a lot of technology very comfortably now, which doesn’t really sit well with his identity of being the man from the past who tries to stay out of trouble. I guess since The Avengers, they’ve been teaching him how to use mobile communications and follow their protocols.

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“Well, all the guys from my barbershop quartet are dead, so no, not really.”

Colin:

Holy shit, that would be amazing if there was a random scene of him and three REALLY old guys singing in a barbershop quartet.

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“You know, if you ask Kristen out from statistics, she would probably say yes.”

Colin:

Some chick from accounting would PROBABLY say yes if he asked her out? Who’s saying no to him?

Oh wait, she’s from statistics? That’s even better. He’d be all, “Hey baby, you givin’ me a standard deviation downstairs. How ’bout you invert them parabolas and show me that latus rectum?”

Why is she trying to set him up with people with SHIELD? Why not let him just go to a bar? Is it cause everything he does is classified? Or are we just putting in pointless banter to not have the typical boring dialogue?

I’m fine with the banter, I just am not following the logic there.

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“That’s why I don’t ask.”

Do you not wanna get fucked?

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“Too shy or too scared?”

“Too busy.”

Colin:

Too busy. For pussy? Come on, bro, you’re kidding yourself. You’re only ever too busy for pussy when you have to work for it. A hero is never too busy for pussy, because it’s always there waiting for you.

A Hero Is Never Too Busy For Pussy

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TALLY HO!

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“Was he wearing a parachute?”

“No. No he wasn’t.”

Colin:

These guys seem fun.

Weird how they never showed these guys on board this plane until just now.

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Video game level.

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Total video game level.

Colin:

This whole sweeping shot around the boat SCREAMS video game. The music is starting and your character is coming out of the water and the camera goes around the boat, where you see the layout and some bad guys walking around before it focuses on the side of the boat and you coming out of the water.

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The reason Captain America is my second favorite Marvel superhero is because he tally hos everywhere.

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“Look at me. I am the Captain now.”

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“Shhh….”

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“Ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost”

Colin:

That was very much like The Last of Us. Jump up, ghost ghost ghost strangle check ghost ghost ghost

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What, is some guy shooting on a camcorder? What the fuck is this shot?

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Yeah, pretty sure metal hitting a guy in the throat isn’t gonna make that quiet a noise.

Does his shield have a silencer?

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Yeah, you just ricocheted that off more metal. They all know you’re there.

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And hit him again, because why not?

Colin:

Someone should know to just shoot in the air before they get knocked out. You don’t run toward him, you shoot in the air, and then Splinter Cell rules say he’s gonna have a harder time.

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Bye, bitch.

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Have a nice trip.

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FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID FACE!

That’s how that expression goes, right?

Colin:

Tally ho, knock yo bitch face out.

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Just once I want to see someone so strong, they do an armbar and come back up with the arm.

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Swing and a miss!

Gotta love pauses.

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“Yup, he’s unconscious.”

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Bye!

Colin:

This is all nicely choreographed, anyway. He’s really kind of a ninja these days. Must have learned something from those sneaky Japanese.

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This is how Captain Phillips should have ended.

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Please just elbow that guy over the edge. Please do that.

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YES!

Thanks, CGI!

Colin:

He didn’t even stop sprinting to knock that guy out. Damn.

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How did nobody hear that scream?

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He just launched himself forward. That’s… odd.

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How do you barrel roll with a shield?

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That is a paring knife!

Colin:

Oh, Liv Tyler.

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Colin:

Right in the head and ass. I’ll take all of this cause it’s hand-to-hand, not CGI and doesn’t feature dirt flying everywhere.

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Colin:

There’s a driver’s license photo for you.

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

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You got a fucking knife in your hand, bro.

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Reach up with the other one. He only had the one knife.

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Well that looked comical.

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And… really unsafe. Don’t you know those things blow up?

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Well you’re just fucked, pops.

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You can tell he doesn’t respect you because he’s doing that.

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Well, that’s a tactic.

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Oh-kay.

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Or you could just punch him directly in the face.

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How do you let a guy sneak up on you like that?

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Colin:

Why didn’t he shoot? What are you doing, dude? At least shoot past him to alert your boys.

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Well you showed up just in time.

Colin:

And yet, always that moment of someone showing up and saving you at the last second. Every goddamn movie.

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“Thanks.”

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“Yeah, you seemed pretty helpless without me.”

Weird how they set this guy up as a cool ally, and then randomly make him evil. Not even complexity there. I know he becomes a bid adversary in the future and is gonna be in Civil War, but you could at least have given him some development. Like, oh, he’s the team commander, working with SHIELD/HYDRA, and they take orders from different people, and ultimately they just end up on opposite sides of this thing. He could maybe not want to kill him (which they hint at, in the elevator and not killing him on the street. Moreso the elevator), but never really develop. It would be nice if he wasn’t totally against him but was doing his job, and then he just went full on evil after Cap’s actions lead to him getting horribly burned. This is my major issue with Marvel. Just take out one or two of the more useless CGI action moments (in this film, it would be the plane moment after the elevator) and spend a little more time developing characters. They never will, but it would really make the finished products just a little bit better without sacrificing a whole lot.

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“What about the nurse that lives across the hall from you? She seems kinda nice.”

“Secure the engine room. Then find me a date.”

Doesn’t it seem weird that she wants you to hook up with very specific people? Not even gonna question whether or not they’re plants?

Colin:

She’s trying to hook him up with other chicks which means that she’s probably into him. Tryin to play with that Cap gun.

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“I’m multi-tasking.”

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Tally ho.

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Colin:

French guys…I almost take you seriously, but mostly not. Although I did enjoy District B13.

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This guy looks so inconvenienced.

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French.

Colin:

I want to have hostages like that someday so I can just yell at them for no reason.

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Par-Kap?

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You ain’t Batman.

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Oh, it’s an audio thing.

Still, you ain’t Batman.

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It’s the guy.

He wants them to be able to move once they get paid.

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“Start the engines, Henchman #6.”

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“Hey sailor.”

Colin:

I just watched Gone Girl and now I’m afraid of women.

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Well that’s fucked up.

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My question is – how many of these guys are dead? Are they killing them or incapacitating them? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

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Also, remember when this had something to do with the movie?

Because right now, it’s looking like action for action’s sake.

Colin:

It is. Could be WAY worse, though. Could be a vague, green, CGI object wrecking up a soda factory in the dark.

Here’s the thing, though. When I write this stuff up, I’m not looking to compromise. I want this to be a good movie. Ultimately, I will accept this as being better Marvel because they throw in more grounded, practical action sequences that tone down the crappy CGI. But they still could have worked in a little bit more of a thread for this. Because it doesn’t need to be this long for something that barely gets you into the plot. This is just for the audience to get their action jollies. I need to be harsh on this stuff so we don’t just continue to accept whatever bullshit they throw out at us.

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I do enjoy a good ghosting shot.

Colin:

That’s probably what I expected for her character, taking these guys out. She has to have these moments, because otherwise she’s almost totally worthless. I know she can interrogate people, but Marvel hasn’t really decided to let us have any of that.

Her character is pretty much the one who can fuck up a bunch of guys and then flirt with the heroes when she needs to. I’m not opposed to it, though she could actually have a character instead of some hinted at fucked up past that we never see and no real development except for a horribly written and forced romance in the second Avengers movie.

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Well that’s gotta smart.

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Do people never check that stuff out? You know they’re coming.

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I like when people do this.

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Maybe now would be a good time to have a long range rifle.

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“Target’s acquired.”

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“S.T.R.I.K.E. in position.”

Colin:

Where’s Bill Murray when you need him?

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“Natasha, what’s your status?”

It’s complicated.

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Colin:

So as we continue through this episode of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare…

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I like this shot in theory, but you mean to tell me that made no noise?

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“Hang on!”

Colin:

Always waiting on the woman. She takes her time.

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She ends up in boiler rooms a lot.

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Sweep the leg.

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She seems fun.

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“Engine room secure.”

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Well that seemed excessive.

Colin:

And then bashes him with a pipe. Jesus, Natasha.

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Colin:

That’s a concours-winning rope collection. 

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Colin:

He sees the good guys outside, so now he’s gonna stick his neck out like a ballsy bond company stooge?

“Fold.”

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“On my mark.”

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What is it with Europeans and track suits?

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Colin:

SHIELD agents are considerably more mild-mannered than even your average bond company stooge.

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“I told you. SHIELD doesn’t negotiate.”

When did you tell him?

Colin:

Talking to dead people isn’t funny unless you say something like “wipe yourself off.”

This guy was looking for Jeremy Renner on the bridge of the helicarrier during The Avengers. Does he have an expanded role?

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Colin:

And now, by the virtue of it being a boss fight, this guy is gonna be a worthy boss.

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Colin:

Not even looking and he ducks the shield. I hate these amazing bosses in every movie. People are just inexplicably competent because the plot demands them to be.

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Colin:

Natasha’s been compromised. You know it, I know it. And you’re about to get jumped. You know it, I know it.

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Colin:

See? I knew it.

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Good place for a boss fight. Good camera placement.

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Colin:

“Hi, I’m a French guy with teeth.”

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Apparently he’s based on a Marvel villain. Baltroc the Leaper. (What a name.)

He’s known for kickboxing. So they cast an MMA guy to play him. And naturally keep him alive to fight another day, should they need him.

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You guys remember Darth Maul?

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What’s with the chest bump?

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Does anyone care about this fight?

We need real villains. Like Red Skull.

This guy is a rando.

Colin:

Captain America is a superhuman who’s trained to the highest levels in nearly all advanced forms of martial arts. So yeah, it makes perfect sense that this random Frenchman has the upper hand.

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Colin:

Nice choreography though. I can appreciate that. This feels more legit than most of the Matrix fighting did.

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“I thought you were more than just a shield.”

Motherfucker, he’s barely USING the shield.

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Really? He calls you a bitch and you just put the shield down? Fuck that. Just neutralize him and call it a day. You’re there for him. Don’t let him fuck with you like that.

Colin:

Don’t make it even. Come on. Never make it even. Just kill him. Think of the others who need your help right now. Nobody ever thinks about logic. Am I really lecturing Captain America on duty right now?

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Good guys are fucking dumb.

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Uh oh, chin strap is gone, it’s about to be on.

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“Let’s see.” He says, in French. Which is not actually a logic flaw, since he did fight in the war and would have to learn basic French to communicate with his allies.

I will, point out, however – wouldn’t this have been more badass if we started with this raid, and we only saw him in the mask, and now was the first time he took it off and saw his face?

I’m really starting to question these decisions Marvel is making regarding their movies. That first scene makes me think they’re more focused on world building than actually making good movies.

Colin:

Yeah. This is the moment that I think first really shows that they’re more focused on world-building.

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What the fuck is that mask made out of? Lead?

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If he got shot in the head right now, I’d applaud.

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Damn it. He should have been shot in the head, then Scarlett Johansson should have came by like, “You should really ask that nurse out.”

Colin:

That’s actually better.

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I also love that there’s just a rocket chilling in the background. Because why not?

Colin:

Is that not a crane for the containers? I didn’t think that was a rocket. I’d like it to be a rocket.

Looks kinda like a rocket.

And it says Insight on it. I just assume they have random shit like that laying around.

They gotta have some sort of space research going on now, post-Avengers.

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I like how the French guy holds his own against him, then says, “Why are you using the shield, you little bitch?” and then he stops using the shield and proceeds to beat the shit out of him.

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Did we really need this beat down? We know he’s capable.

Colin:

So that kick. That was a fucking world ending kick.

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Now is when you throw a smoke bomb and run away.

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That’s a long way to run until you hit that door.

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Colin:

Wow. SOMEBODY’s parked behind the commissary, if you know what I mean.

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Colin:

He’s not out. They’re never out. This is where you squash his head til it pops like a cherry tomato.

What is it with movies, expecting us to go along with unconsciousness? Almost never do the things that knock people out in movies actually knock people out in real life. And we just go with it.

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“Well, this is awkward.”

It would have been more awkward if she were fucking a dude.

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She’s backing up a hard drive or something.

(Yeah, on this DICK!)

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Apparently she missed a rendezvous point and is here doing some sneaky shit.

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She’s saving SHIELD intel, even though the mission was to rescue hostages.

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“No, that’s your mission.”

Colin:

She’s a sneaky one. But having multiple missions under a single operation isn’t a horrible idea. Everyone manages their shit individually and you can compartmentalize risk. What’s not to like?

That’s the kind of video game stuff (and to an extent, movie stuff) that I love. There’s a big mission going on, but the one we focus on is the side mission that isn’t related to the other one at all.

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That’s like, super unrecommended. You get that error message and shit.

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“And you’ve done it beautifully.”

She basically just called him a tool.

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“You just jeopardized this whole operation.”

Did she? Wasn’t it just the one guy? What was being jeopardized?

Colin:

I’m sorry, the correct answer is, ‘What IS being jeopardized?’ We return to Natasha to choose.

“I think that’s overstating things.”

Colin:

Daily Double!

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Yeah, maybe you should have killed him. Looks like you just jeopardized the mission, Cap.

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Nobody knows when to kill their problems.

Also, GRENADE!

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“Really?”

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This is what happened at Watergate.

Woodward’s gonna show up in a bit.

Colin:

Oh, so update for those of you who saw All the President’s Men and have no real interest in journalism: Bob Woodward is a DICK now.

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Colin:

He’s really big on getting blown out of windows. Explosive defenestration, as it were.

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Facial expressions.

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Look at those shitty blinds.

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“Okay, that one’s on me.”

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Oh, right, this is the “they have feelings for one another” film.

Colin:

So is that it? Did he get away? What happens? Where did he go? They’re in the middle of the ocean!

But the action is over, so who cares!

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Over/under on a title card for the location?

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Yup.

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Colin:

With a SHIELD building like that, you gotta imagine the CIA and the FBI have some real limp dick issues.

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I don’t like buildings with giant symbols plastered in the middle of the floor.

Colin:

That’s not creepy and fascist at all.

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Nice shot.

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“You just can’t stop yourself from lying, can you?”

“I didn’t lie. Agent Romanff had a different mission than yours.”

“Which you didn’t feel obliged to share?”

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“I’m not obliged to do anything.”

“Those hostages could have died, Nick.”

Nick?

Colin:

Yeah, what? You’re a Captain, he’s the Director.

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“I sent the greatest soldier in history to make sure that didn’t happen.”

He’s not wrong. And neither are you. You’re both missing the point. There was another mission going on, and it’s not about the hostages, but the fact that there’s some shady stuff going on that’s being kept hush hush.

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“Soldiers trust each other. That’s what makes it an army. Not a bunch of guys running around shooting guns.”

Colin:

I’m pretty sure that’s still an army, as long as they have uniforms.

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“Last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye.”

Colin:

More arguing about trust and stuff. You know this is going to be the movie about how Fury is kinda wrong to not be more trusting of Cap and Cap is wrong to assume that everyone else is worth trusting. Already, we can sorta see a theme running through this plot. Like the theme in Thor 2, which was…I wanna say Space AIDS?

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“Look, I didn’t want you doing anything you’d be uncomfortable with. Agent Romanoff is comfortable with everything.”

That’s… not right.

Colin:

 That is WAY too easy. You can’t just say that and expect nobody to do anything with it. Seriously? That was just left to be slaughtered. I don’t even want it.

“I can’t lead a mission when the people I’m leading have missions of their own.”

Is he leading anyone? I feel like he just says some shit and takes care of most of the objectives himself.

“It’s called compartmentalization. Nobody spills the secrets because nobody knows them all.”

“Except you.”

Colin:

He said ‘compartmentalization!’ That’s what I called it! He’s totally right.

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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“You’re wrong about me. I do share. I’m nice like that.”

That face.

Colin:

He does share. This is where you cut to a flashback of a tiny Nick Fury beating up another kid on the playground and then leaving a pudding cup next to the kid passed out under the swing set.

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“Director override. Fury, Nicholas J.”

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“You know, they used to play music.”

“Yeah. My grandfather operated one of these things for forty years.”

Then he goes on a weird monologue that I don’t even want to type out, because what the fuck is that?

Colin:

A story about Samuel L Jackson’s urban roots.

Also, “Elevators used to have music.” “I know, my grandfather worked in one for forty years.” And that has what to do with you? We all know that elevators used to have music. The fact that your grandfather operated one has no bearing on this.

That’s like saying, “Music used to be on CDs instead of iPads.” “Yeah, my father worked at a CD store for fifteen years.” Yeah, but you do understand the base statement without that factoid, so why bother saying it?

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Apparently this story is about “thugs.” And his grandfather kept a gun.

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“Grandad loved people. But he didn’t trust them very much.”

Colin:

Ah, a story that happens to be perfectly tailored for the moment and segues in from what they were just discussing. Ridiculous, but I’ll allow it because it involves an old black man threatening people with a gun in a paper bag.

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“Yeah, I know. They’re a little bit bigger than a .22.”

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How much construction happened to be able to get that?

Colin:

The stupid helicarriers. I hate helicarriers. You know how much money this would be? This would leave a hole in the US Treasury large enough to fly one of these helicarriers through. This is tens of thousands of jobs locally. Shit casts a shadow. You can’t cover that up when that many people are drawing payroll and travelling to the same place every day. To me, the most insane part of any Bond movie was usually the Bond villain’s lair. Amazing locations, impossible buildings with state-of-the-art tech, and somehow nobody knows where it is.

Like, you can’t build a giant rocket launch facility and evil lair in an active volcano in rural Japan without someone noticing. Even in the 1960s. They ended up tracing Blofeld with the liquid oxygen rocket fuel, but they might have tried looking into whatever construction company took however many millions of dollars to spend years building a space-age facility in a fucking volcano. Anyway, these helicarriers are impossible, but their clandestine origins and preparation are even more impossible.

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That’s probably illegal.

Especially since it’s called Project Insight.

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They still haven’t solved the problem of CGI people being obviously CGI.

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Colin:

Those guns are absurdly large. Like, WAY bigger than any existing guns or the largest guns ever fitted to a naval warship. Which were the 46cm guns on the Yamato-class battleships.

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Project Insight. Three helicarriers, synched to targeting satellites.

So, yeah, super illegal.

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New repulsor engines. Courtesy of Stark.

“He had a few suggestions once he got an up close look at our old turbines.”

Get it? An Avengers reference.

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The guns can take out 1,000 hostiles a minute.

And at what point would you ever need that kind of firepower?

Colin:

I think it’s sort of like buying a minivan when you have your first kid. You’re really thinking about what you might need down the road.

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“The satellites can read a terrorist’s DNA before he steps outside his spider hole.”

Yeah, but isn’t space your major worry now? What is this accomplishing?

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“We’re gonna neutralize a lot of threats before they even happen.”

And that just always works out.

Colin:

Setting it up real soon. These are Minority Report carriers that execute people based on surveillance and data collection. You know that the screenwriters jizzed everywhere when Ed Snowden happened.

“I thought the punishment usually came after the crime.”

“We can’t afford to wait that long.”

SHIELD was better when I didn’t know what they did.

Now they just seem like right wing military alarmists.

“Who’s we?”

“After New York, I convinced the World Security Council we need a quantum surge in threat analysis.”

So, fear mongering.

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“For once, we’re way ahead of the curve.”

What’s the curve? There are aliens now. You can’t deal with that.

“By holding a gun to everyone on earth and calling it protection.”

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“You know, I read those SSR files. Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff.”

Colin:

He’s got some good points there. WWII wasn’t exactly the moral high ground for anyone on any side.

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“Yeah, we compromised. Sometimes in ways that made us not sleep so well. But we did it so that people could be free. This isn’t freedom. This is fear.”

Colin:

But, to be fair, freedom, I guess. America really does work that way sometimes. “Yeah, but freedom.” “Well, you’ve got me there!”

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“SHIELD takes the world as it is, not as we’d like it to be.”

There’s a lot of bullshit flying around right now.

Colin:

Nick’s got his heart in the right place, but mostly he’s just awful at determining what’s right and wrong. Probably the one eye. I just had minor eye surgery and had to wear an eye patch for 24 hours over my right eye. Not fun at all. Bumped into stuff. Definitely wasn’t running and shooting things.

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“It’s getting damn near past time for you to get with that program, Cap.”

He didn’t exactly wanna be here. That’s kind of an odd request to make to him.

“Don’t hold your breath.”

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Whoa, watch out, we got a badass over here.

Colin:

Sometimes you just have to pull a Wolverine and ride away on your motorcycle. Seriously, Marvel. Get new stuff.

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The only purpose of this is to set up the pointless moment later on.

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Ah, of course. The first helicarrier gunship.

Colin:

More news flashes about the Lindbergh baby.

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Colin:

The Smithsonian is awesome. Go there if you want to have a good time for like a week. Disney Land ain’t got shit on The Smithsonian.

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So he’s just on display at the Smithsonian? Is that what he does during his off hours?

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President Ellis. Just in case you didn’t catch the Iron Man 3 connection.

Colin:

Even though they take place at different times and could easily help each other out.

With the semester Earth is having, how does this guy manage to get reelected?

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And just in case you didn’t notice that it was an Iron Man 3 reference.

Complete with voiceover. (By Gary Sinise too. In case you’re not as good at recognizing voiceover actors as I am.)

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Colin:

That’s kinda weird, that they have a Captain America exhibit when he’s still alive. Did he approve all this stuff?

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Best shot in the movie.

Might have been better if the camera weren’t speeding past it as he walked. Because this is more thematic a shot than anything else Marvel has basically ever done.

Colin:

See, and I didn’t even notice that as I was watching. Way to go, Marvel. You guys really help yourselves out.

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Seriously, how do you guys rush past a shot like this?

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Also great how no one questions that there was a serum and how it could do that.

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Stop looking at the camera, kid.

Colin:

don’t give him a kid sidekick don’t give him a kid sidekick don’t give him a kid side—whoo. Good.

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It’s supposed to be funny, that this one kid figured it out, but the real purpose of this shot is to remind you of Bucky.

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Kids are mongoloids.

Colin:

Is that a Sinodonty reference?

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That’s not the motorcycle he used.

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If this existed in real life, we’d all be shocked a black and an Asian were on the team.

Colin:

It doesn’t exist in real life and I’m still shocked.

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Does no one really notice him? Because he’s 6’2’’ 240 pounds. Even with a fucking hat on, people are gonna notice the size.

Colin:

I notice a lot of tall people though. I’ve gotten used to living in Japan, and I’ll see tall white people and always have the same reaction James Earl Jones had when he saw pictures of the Red October.

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Well this clearly shouldn’t be in the museum. But we need exposition, so here it is.

Colin:

Bucky’s clearly not dead, with that delivery. If you can rely on Marvel for anything, it’s that they will never kill a character.

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Ah, Agent Carter.

Colin:

Making her look 10 years older for the video, pretty good. And she’s still clearly in love with him even though she got married. Cause you have to have kids and stuff but you can’t ever give up on Steve.

So again… why didn’t they start with the raid, then the Fury stuff, then have him go home, after the conversation about Cap not getting with the times, then have this scene?

Did no one notice how much better the storytelling is that way?

You can put the Mackie shit after this.

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DO THEY REALLY NOT NOTICE CAPTAIN AMERICA SITTING NEXT TO THEM?!

Colin:

They’re blondes and this is a tragic story of heartbreak and loss.

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And we find out she got married.

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“You should be proud of yourself, Peggy.”

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Colin:

No husband in those shots. Hm. You know, if she really loved Steve, she’d have Garp’ed for those kids.

Those references will never not be funny to me.

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SEE?!!!

This is the most emotionally resonant scene in the entire fucking movie. Put the Mackie stuff after this.

“I have lived a life.”

Yup, and now we have a TV series of that life, because we can squeeze a little bit more money out of it.

“My only regret is that you didn’t get to live yours.”

Colin:

That’s not your regret. Your regret was never fucking him. And now you’re ready to disintegrate if he were to try.

I think he regret is that he did not get to live his life… which would have been fucking her. She just has a really high opinion of her fondue.

Colin:

Doesn’t matter how hot the cheese is, Peggy, if the bread’s too stale.

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“What is it?”

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“Kinda horny right now.”

But no. He monologues instead.

He doesn’t know what’s right anymore.

Colin:

He’s having some problems. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 40 percent of men, right?

Still wondering what that serum did to his dick.

“Always so dramatic.”

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“You saved the world. We rather mucked it up.”

“Knowing that you helped found SHIELD was half the reason I stayed.”

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“The world has changed.”

I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth.

“And none of us can go back. All we can do is our best. And sometimes the best that we can do is to start over.”

Colin:

She’s got to tell him to shut the hell up and just do his job or whatever. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just supposed to be sad. I’d be okay with them letting this just be sad.

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I liked this scene better when I didn’t think there was a lot of bullshit plot talking.

Colin:

Does she have the consumption? Those can’t be real teeth. She’s old and British.

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“Steve.”

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“Yeah.”

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“You’re alive.”

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This is where it’s actually heartbreaking.

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“It’s been so long.”

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“Well I couldn’t leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance.”

Colin:

Aw, callback to the first movie. And it seems like she’s having dementia.

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“Secure office.”

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Colin:

Tell me this isn’t porn. This is a porn protocol.

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Well that’s not shady at all.

Colin:

And he’s got the thumb drive! This is totally a porn protocol!

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Where the fuck is this building?  Seems like you guys are built right on top of Watergate. Which is a sizable red flag for an audience.

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Access denied.

See, now it’s shady because he’s not in on it.

Colin:

All the shit is locked, meaning it’s the Security Council. And because it’s the satellite file, that means it’s the system that controls who gets targeted by the helicarriers. Which means the Security Council has bad guys in it.

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Conspiracy. That’s what that means. Just go into the main guy’s office right now and shoot him. That’s the only thing it could mean.

Colin:

It’s really a bummer that Nick Fury has to be so flawed for the heroes to be so much better than him, because it’d be really so much better if he saw this shit coming way off and planned something cool other than slowing his heart rate.

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“All files sealed.”

“On whose authority?”

“Fury. Nicholas J.”

So he ordered the files sealed? Meaning what?

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“World Security Council.”

What, he can just call them and they’re all just there?

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“If Nick Fury thinks he can get us costumed thugs and S.T.R.I.K.E. commandos to mop up his mess, he’s sadly mistaken.”

Colin:

People talking about Samuel as he scowls in the elevator. He doesn’t do enough yelling in this franchise.

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Colin:

The council, because there’s always at least one and usually several.

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This is a good idea. Lucas kinda did it first, though, didn’t he?

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Jenny Agutter is back.

And she says the council is the one that oversees SHIELD.

And right there, that’s your conspiracy.

I just solved the movie.

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They wanna know how a French dude hijacked a covert SHIELD ship in broad daylight.

Colin:

Hey, that’s Mr. Lau from The Dark Knight, isn’t it? And Alan Dale’s back.

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“For the record, councilman, he’s Algerian.”

Dodging the question. Which means he helped him.

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Hey kids, it’s Robert Redford. You don’t know who he is because you were born after The Legend of Bagger Vance came out.

See, he made this movie called Three Days of the Condor back in 1975, and that movie is basically where the general plot of this movie came from. (Also, yes, Falcon, Condor, we all get it.)

Colin:

And naturally, Robert Redford. Because they wanted to do Three Days of the Condor (and this is NOT that movie), so you get Redford. Hey Marvel, you really want my attention? Get Max von Sydow. Oh right, The Force Awakens got Sydow. Guess that branch of Disney is going to be better.

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Secretary Pierce.

Anyone with the name Pierce is not a good guy.

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They need to buffer this guy a little better.

Colin:

This remote meeting stuff is creepy and a little too much like the Star Wars holograms for my liking.

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“I don’t care about one boat, I care about the fleet. If this council is gonna fall to rancor every time someone pushes us on the playing field, maybe we need someone to oversee us.”

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He’s probably banged her.

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What happened to Powers Boothe? How come he isn’t back? Probably because he’d have had next to nothing to do.

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“I work forty floors away, and it takes a hijacking for you to visit?”

“A nuclear war would do it too.”

And New York? What was that? A Tuesday?

Colin:

They work in the same building, and yet, Fury never sees him. As the director of this whole operation. The Security Council runs everything, and Fury is never around. What the hell?

And I think the nuclear war comment was a jab about the nuke in New York.

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He needs a favor.

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“I want you to call for a vote. Project Insight has to be delayed.”

“Nick, that’s not a favor, that’s a subcommittee hearing. A long one.”

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“Could be nothing, probably is nothing. I just need time to make sure it’s nothing.”

“But if it’s something?”

“Then we’ll both be damn glad those helicarriers aren’t in the air.”

Colin:

Oh, Redford’s bad. Of course he is. To clarify, I saw this in theaters and remember zero. I was super jetlagged and fell asleep a few times in the middle of it because it was the day I arrived in the States. So I remember him fighting Bucky and Anthony Mackie flying and that’s about it.

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“Fine, but you gotta get Iron Man to stop by my niece’s birthday party.”

Colin:

Iron Man? Tony Stark has no suits. What’s he supposed to do? Oh right, they couldn’t even kill a non-character, so I’m sure he has like 100 suits again now.

Still not getting how the Mandarin is allegedly blowing shit up at this same time and that has not been the focus of any of Cap’s missions.

Selective universe building, guys.

Also, how the fuck are you gonna get Tony to agree to a favor like that? Showing up at a politician’s birthday is exactly the thing that Tony Stark would not do.

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Really? That’s the deal? “I need you to delay the biggest operation we have going.” “I need you to get a guy in a suit to come by a birthday party.”

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“And not just a fly-by. He’s gotta mingle.”

What I wouldn’t give to see old Tony Stark at that birthday party.