Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Part II — “Like Ocean’s Eleven, But With a Dead Black Guy Instead of a Fountain”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

We begin Part II in a high school.

SHIELD and Deliver.

Colin:

With SHIELD, there probably is a body decomposing in a locker. That’s pretty much all I have. I Edward James Olmost had a “multiplying by nines” joke.

Captain America: Secret Alcoholic.

Oh, it’s a PTSD meeting.

Oh, it’s the veteran’s hospital thing. He’s gonna help him flirt with the receptionist.

Colin:

This is a pretty good portrayal of vets helping each other to get past the issues they have from serving. Some of this stuff is what the US is worst at identifying and dealing with, and why so many vets still struggle after returning home.

Oh yeah, remember how two movies ago, you featured a bunch of recent veterans who inexplicably turned traitor and aided in a presidential assassination plot slash terrorist takeover of the US government? Way to go, Marvel.

I was gonna say, how come none of them ended up in Extremis?

He says some shit. It doesn’t matter. Because we don’t care about him.

Colin:

I don’t hate him. But he’s the lesser of the black sidekicks. And I hate that “black sidekick” has to be a category among Marvel characters. 

Whew, listen to all that useless monologuing that I’m not typing up. Riveting.

“Look who it is – the running man.”

He’s organizing shit? Really? That’s horrible blocking.

Colin:

The Running Man. Which is funny, because previously in Marvel, he was the Burning Man.

Why is there never a Wicker Man?

He lost his wingman.

It’s really difficult to not make Top Gun jokes right now.

Colin:

Didn’t everybody lose somebody? Isn’t that how war works?

He gives his name, and the story.

Guess who doesn’t care?

I just tuned out all of that.

And I don’t know why I thought this was one of the better/best Marvel movies. This is the same mediocre bullshit as everything else.

Colin:

Well, see — THAT’S why you thought it was one of the better/best Marvel movies. It’s merely MEDIOCRE bullshit. I take issue with the “same.” Thor 2 and The Incredible Hulk, those are not “mediocre bullshit.”

It is different than that bullshit, I will admit that. But they still don’t care about the small stuff here. They paint themselves into a corner because the non-action stuff, especially when it’s not about our main character, can get so by the numbers that I just would rather them have a few fights to spare me of pointless dialogue like this.

There’s also some bullshit here about Cap thinking about getting out, some dumb jokes, horribly delivered by Anthony Mackie, who cannot make this dialogue sound good, and then he asks what makes Cap happy.

Colin:

I actually liked the way they worked him in as a random guy in the beginning, but now it seems to be a little too tailored. Maybe it could have been Steve just showing up to one of these meetings. That would have been a plausible reason for them to talk and for him to be the right guy for the job.

“I don’t know.”

Colin:

“No—well…I dunno.” Way to stick the delivery, bozo.

These digital wide shots of cities are awful and offend me as a viewer. They’re also a staple of bad Marvel directing.

Colin:

It really is this stuff and these shots that nobody will point to as a problem, but really constitute one of the biggest issues in Marvel’s direction. These establishing shots are not innocuous. I’ll remind you that in an 70-second span during The Dark World, we had two five-second establishing shots of locations that didn’t need them. We know the difference between London and space, Marvel. Don’t give these shots a pass.

Hey look – really good noodles.

Colin:

I love Samuel through the glass. That’s a good shot that should have lasted the whole length of the scene.

Also, he’s driving by Sapporo Sushi, which is in Cleveland.

He needs Hill in D.C.

Colin:

But you’re in Cleveland!

“Deep shadow conditions.”

“Give me four hours.”

“You have three.”

Colin:

He just gets to do that. Did it in Avengers, too. “Uhh….number?” “Smaller number. I’m the boss.”

This isn’t suspicious at all.

Cops, black man – this won’t end well.

Colin:

This is only as tense and effective as it is because it’s a black guy in an SUV next to two cops in a squad car. And because we’re watching this in 2015 as all hell breaks loose and shit gets on the news.

“Wanna see my lease?”

That ain’t a lease car. We’ll find that out in about three minutes.

Just popped the siren? Wow. You just made a statement.

(And signaled the team.)

So could the car not sense that coming? Because it can sense other things later on.

This is like Training Day but with the police.

Colin:

Lots of broadsiding in franchises. I got hit that was myself as a kid, I just wasn’t in a car.

This is how black people get pulled over all the time.

Colin:

This is also Chevy product placement like nobody’s damn business. It’s really interesting to me how the different series within Marvel are carved up for different product placement. I don’t really have anything bad to say about that because if all of Marvel was Acura or Audi, I’d be ticked.

That’s a pretty big car. Where was your arm that it got fractured so quickly and easily?

Colin:

How’d he get a fracture? And based on what we see later in the movie, it’s never an issue. It’s not an issue during this scene or later on in the movie. So as a person who’s now going back after watching this whole movie — explain to me why you gave him that random Unbreakable fracture, besides your desire to show off your high-tech HUD.

It also detected a fracture in his arm, yet couldn’t detect the police cars coming to smash into the car.

Colin:

What’s that weird, golden bowtie on the satnav screen? I’ve never seen THAT logo before.

Chev-heil!

Colin:

Perfect time for a cigar.

Aww yeah, that good shit.

I guess this is why the fracture isn’t an issue later.

You know when athletes go into the locker room all fucked up then come out twenty minutes later and are able to finish the game? It’s because of injections just like this one.

Are those standard issue?

“D.C. Metro Police dispatch shows no units in this area.”

Why did you know to check that? Are you Jarvis? Are you Jarvis’s cousin?

Colin:

He’s got his own awesome JARVIS dude from Chevy (thanks, Chevy!) who knows he broke his wrist and has anesthesia ready. But really, it’s just something for Samuel L. Jackson to yell at. That’s what we’ve been waiting for.

Why is this not on the news right now?

 

Pretty great how bystanders are just watching this.

And how he doesn’t already know what the cause of this is.

“Get me outta here.”

“Propulsion systems offline.”

“Then reboot, damn it!”

Colin:

Finally, we’re getting into proper Samuel territory.

And why a reboot? A ‘reboot’ implies that the issue relates to software, which seems questionable. If you’re in a collision and do damage to the engine, there’s no way to reboot that. So why else would propulsion systems be offline?

The Plot.

That armor has no integrity.

Colin:

They’re trying to Bonnie and Clyde him, and I don’t think that’s how “armor integrity” works. Also, that’s pretty sorry armor integrity. Gotta get that Mercedes Benz S-Guard or a Marauder.

I’m also wondering what the explanation is for this digital image of the vehicle being shot up, because there are random bullet holes, but they don’t match the ACTUAL bullet holes. Like much of the digital imagery we see on screens and holograms in Marvel movies, it’s made for little more than a cursory glance, because once you look at it things become very problematic.

Marvel: Once You Look At It, It Becomes Very Problematic

So can he not just hit the gas right now?

You guys just had that thing all ready?

Shouldn’t he know where this came from, based on the fact that they have the exact machine that can open his car?

Colin:

“Bring up the rape machine!”

This thing has been used. I like that.

 

Reaction shots are the key to rape machines.

Colin:

Are we not questioning that? I’m sure someone in the world of physics could help us out here, but there’s nothing anchoring this centrally and it’s certainly not heavy enough to provide enough force on the ground to allow these rods to pierce asphalt. They’re large, blunt legs that weren’t shot out at any really great speed. You shoot those at the ground and your battering ram shoots up in the air. They don’t punch into the ground like this. But again, Marvel just likes stuff to look crazy, so what the fuck, I guess.

Colin:

Seriously, what are we supposed to make of that? That was designed with the sole purpose of turning any solid barrier into a bloody asshole.

“Warning, window integrity compromised.”

“You think?”

Colin:

I enjoy that he and Stark are both assholes to their digital assistants.

“Deploying countermeasures.”

“Hold that order.”

Ain’t quite time yet.

“Window integrity, 19%.”

Motherfu…

“Offensive measures advised.”

“Wait!”

1%.

“Now!”

Colin:

Now, why was THAT not an opportunity for him to say something like, “NOW, GODDAMNIT! WASTE THE MOTHERFUCKERS!” I mean, really, Marvel. These are the rules of enragement.

I want one of those.

Colin:

Wait, so where does his coffee sit?

Colin:

Good thing there are no bystanders in downtown D.C. (or was it Cleveland?) in the middle of the day.

He just murdered a bunch of cops.

Though I guess they’re not cops.

Colin:

And he just murdered a BUNCH of cops. Wow. Him or them, though.

Colin:

Funny how nobody’s here getting any of this. In real life, this would be on so many phones.

Propulsion systems back up.

The car is driving itself.

Colin:

So hey, given his position and the placement of that gun, he has an EXTREMELY limited range of motion here. Maybe approach from any of the other 320 or so degrees you have available.

Totally Cleveland, too.

This is exactly where Avengers was shot.

“Initiate vertical takeoff.”

You can do that?

Colin:

Yeah, this thing flies, but it can’t take bullets for shit.

“Flight systems damaged.”

Oh, well good. That would have been some bullshit.

Unless it had wings like Scaramanga’s car.

There ain’t no bitch in this trunk.

Colin:

Aw, remember that? Christopher Lee died. 

“Then activate guidance cameras.”

Maybe go to the actual police station.

There are a lot of places you can go now where they probably wouldn’t follow you.

Pretty great how little they care for civilians.

But at least we know… people live here.

“Get me Agent Hill.”

Can’t. No comms.

“What’s not damaged?”

“Air conditioning is fully operational.”

Colin:

The A/C still works? That’s kind of like Indiana Jones’ eyelid not hurting.

Look at all these GMC vehicles. It’s like The Matrix Reloaded.

That was my one bit of car knowledge for the franchise.

Colin:

There were some GMC vehicles in that chase. Mike’s car knowledge is way up since we did Bond three years ago. 

Oh, look… road.

All cars are stopped on the bridge. You ain’t got no place else to go.

That was a Dodge.

That was not.

Colin:

This is actually pretty good, huh?

Colin:

As I mentioned before, I had an eyepatch on my right eye for a day just recently, and none of these seems advisable.

What happened to the SWAT guys?

Oh, right, their van blew up.

Colin:

Hah. The cops just got thwarted by a Jeep Grand Cherokee and a Mitsubishi Lancer.

Yeah, you’re gonna outrun an SUV.

Which conveniently stops.

Is that Cyclops back there?

Colin:

That would be the Easter eggiest of Easter eggs. Though, in this situation, would he help the cops? You have to wonder why, in stories with corrupt government organizations, more random heroes don’t turn up out of nowhere and just assume the cops are good guys and start helping them.

Colin:

This is all very Bourne, which is really not a bad thing at all.

That cop can’t aim worth a shit.

A HA HA HA this guy managed to get in focus at the exact right time.

Colin:

I love how the guy above the fire hydrant in the shot appears to be doing the tiptoe pose that Michael Jackson did after the moonwalk and the spin in Billie Jean. 

Colin:

Stupid marionette cop.

Yes, run into the kid plaza.

Colin:

Through the bus. This is honestly well executed. Jeez. Marvel, you actually do know how to do a halfway decent action scene without using too many computers.

These pedestrians have the best poses.

Fury, you have a gun.

Colin:

I’m seriously impressed that they spent this much time on a cop shooting at him through a bus. That’s like, top shelf material as Marvel goes.

Bye, bitch.

I miss real action sequences.

Why don’t we do more of those?

What’s all this doing to his armor integrity?

Or do we not care about that anymore?

Colin:

Remember Arkady Ourumov? “Use the bumper, that’s what it’s for!”

Colin:

GODDAMN this dude just got decimated!

Colin:

The Chevy cop car with the smashed rear end taking the corner is EXACTLY Bourne.

Colin:

You know, I like me a good car chase, and this is a decent car chase. I’d probably put this movie in the top half of the Marvel movies on this alone. This chase by itself is a better movie than The Incredible Hulk.

It is, though.

These cop cars are weaving pretty expertly for just regular cops.

Also, if no cops are supposed to be in the area, and this is a SHIELD hit, why do you need to have it be cops? How does that get explained anywhere?

Fury got into a shootout with some cops. Okay, first, why? Why were the cops after him? And then on the cops’ end, What the fuck was that about?

Colin:

It probably comes down to SHIELD ordering the cops to pick him up with a SWAT team. But later on, SHIELD does all its own stuff with the STRIKE team and the Insight team. So I don’t know what this was, other than an attempt to surprise us with the cops boxing him in.

This is needlessly complicated. Couldn’t you get an Algerian hit squad together in two hours?

Hell, I could probably get an Algerian hit squad together in two hours. And I write these articles.

Is this the shot where you turn into agents?

Right, though?

(Agents of SHIELD. Get it?)

Oh, would have been so much cooler if you put your seat back.

Colin:

Just from this shot, I’m gonna call bullshit on this vehicle. We should not be able to see through those wheels like that. Why not? Cause the brakes should be nearly the size of the wheel to be able to accommodate such a massive weight and still perform. You’ve got tiny little brakes on this huge vehicle that’s supposed to be armored AND filled with flight tech. Stuff like this gets me thinking. 

That driver probably just got shot in the head.

Thanks, random truck!

Objects in the mirror may be the motherfuckin’ po-po!

This cop is really going all in to kill this guy.

Well, there goes the rest of that integrity.

You look like you’re having fun. With your little… sunglasses.

Colin:

These are the shots I want. Right here.

Brake, motherfucker!

Nice shot to the face.

UZI WHIP!

And yet you couldn’t sense the first car coming to hit you.

Love how that says “The East Ohio” whatever company on it. Clearly Cleveland.

Colin:

Not with those little baby brakes on that huge truck. Hell no.

Does the driver not notice what’s about to happen?

Colin:

Bam! Was that a Penske truck that just slammed them? Guess that makes it a moving violation.

“Get me off the grid!”

Colin:

I don’t know why I’m still alone on the motherfucker train.

At this point, how are you getting off the grid at all, let alone in that car?

LOVE THIS SHOT.

Colin:

How did this guy find him right here? This is a big city! You’re just standing there! Where did he come from?

The fuck?

Uh… yeah… so that’s possible.

Colin:

That’s a weird weapon. I don’t like when they have weird weapons that are perfectly suited for the job at hand. How about using a more conventional weapons and just being a badass with it?

Colin:

Joker much?

Not a single cell phone recording this?

No news copters covering this by this point?

Nothing?

That’s like a baby lightsaber.

Colin:

Bad guy’s coming. Better crack this glow stick. He does look like the rave type, this Winter Soldier.

 

Colin:

That’s a HYDRA-looking mask.

That’s a powerful little thing he had, there. Seems like bullshit.

Colin:

Disappeared into the ground, huh? Wouldn’t he just go in after him? It was seconds earlier and Samuel’s wounded. I don’t see how that’s him gone just like that. Like the only thing this guy won’t do is go into a hole.

Colin:

Aerial shots of vehicles turning corners at night after rain, pretty classic. Also very 70s.

Oh, how convenient, she’s doing her laundry right as he comes home.

I’ve lived in my building for four years. You know how many times I’ve seen my neighbors leaving their rooms as I’ve come home? Less than ten. This was staged.

And she gets off the phone right when he comes home. Uh huh.

“My aunt, she’s kind of an insomniac.”

Bullshit.

Colin:

Has your aunt ever met wine?

“Hey, if you want – if you want – you’re welcome to use my machine. It might be cheaper than the one in the basement.”

How do you have a machine and she doesn’t?

Also, she’s a nurse. Can’t she use the ones at the hospital?

Colin:

And “might” be cheaper than the one in the basement? Assuming it costs money, and yours doesn’t, I’m concerned with the “might” here.

“Oh yeah? What’s it cost?”

Butt stuff.

“Cup of coffee.”

Colin:

Oh, shit, neighbor chick? Nurse or doctor? Sounds like a worthy pursuit. Although, if she’s flirting with him, she’s gonna be a character, and because Marvel is Marvel, that means she’s either a good guy or a bad guy. There are no civilians in Marvel. Is she SHIELD or HYDRA?

“Thank you, but I already have a load in downstairs and I just don’t need one of yours right now.”

Apparently she just finished a rotation in the infectious disease ward. (Which is not a thing.)

Colin:

I’ve always been fascinated by how doctors will just get right up to my mouth when I’ve got strep or something like that. They really don’t give a fuck, and I’m practically dead.

“I’ll keep my distance.”

“Hopefully not too far.”

What?

Does she want him to get a disease?

“What?”

Or, actually, that face is more like a, “Oh yeah.”

He also left his stereo on.

Colin:

“You left your stereo on.” I don’t see that as something you’d say to someone like that. Either he can hear it from the outside, or he’ll walk in five seconds from now and already know. So what purpose does it serve, other than for us to understand it as something out of the ordinary? Assassination Attempt or Sex?

Well, we just saw the sex.

Convenient books to have lying around.

Can you just sneak into your own window like that?

Colin:

I like that he has a cool place and a bunch of jazz records. That’s who I want to be. The guy who has a baller pad and a lot of jazz records to come home to. Also an underground place. And a bookcase door. And lots of bars all around the house. 

“I don’t remember giving you a key.”

Colin:

This isn’t super Three Days of the Condor yet. Don’t we need a Faye Dunaway? Don’t we need our guy to be on the run a little earlier than this, and in complete disarray? Shouldn’t there be a Max von Sydow? Is the Winter Soldier your Max von Sydow?

“You really think I’d need one?”

Okay.

“My wife kicked me out.”

Sure she did. And he came here.

“Didn’t know you were married.”

“Lot of things you don’t know about me.”

Isn’t that the problem?

“I know, Nick, that’s the problem.”

Ah, look, logic.

“I’m sorry to have to do this, but I had no place else to crash.”

Cleveland seemed like a pretty good place.

And not eyes?

Wouldn’t anyone listening become immediately suspicious that they stopped talking all of a sudden?

“Who else knows about your wife?”

Well that’s not obviously code at all.

“Just my friends.”

“Is that what we are?”

“That’s up to you.”

What about Hill? This is clearly three hours from whenever that was. She must be in D.C. She has to know.

He should have just thrown out one “Motherfucker” right there. That would have been the greatest.

That was fast. Did they know he was gonna go to Rogers?

One of my favorite shots in all of cinema. A body being dragged out of frame, feet last.

Colin:

You always stay away from the windows. I mean, I’m a journalist who’s never pissed anyone off and even I stay away from the windows as a general practice. 

Colin:

An assassin tried to kill Natalie through a window too.

These two assassinations should have had different outcomes.

Oh how nice. Give him something he can’t decrypt.

“Don’t trust anyone.”

“Captain Rogers?”

See? Fucking told you that shit.

“I’m Agent 13 of SHIELD.”

Why didn’t you say your name? Everyone else has a name.

Colin:

And if you’re 13, doesn’t that make you Olivia Wilde?

Seems pretty convenient that you don’t have a name.

I know you guys want to have a big reveal of Sharon Carter, but you could have just altered the line to be, “I’m with SHIELD Special Service.”

Because then it’s less about, “Why doesn’t she have a name?” and more about, “Can he trust her?”

Colin:

Wow, you gave them literally 15 seconds of flirting and only three minutes to let it sink in before revealing her as a SHIELD agent. Way to shit the reveal bed, Marvel.

“I’ve been assigned to protect you.”

And you believe that?

“On whose orders?”

“His.”

“Foxtrot is down, he’s unresponsive. I need EMTs.”

Who are you radioing? Because they’re compromised.

“We have a twenty on the shooter.”

Who cares? Didn’t you hear about the EMTs?

Why were you hanging around so long? Did you think you were gonna get another shot?

“Tell them I’m in pursuit.”

I thought SHIELD was compromised? Don’t trust anyone.

Colin:

Also, it’s kinda funny when she says she’s supposed to be protecting you and you’re like, “Peace! I’m going to hunt down the world’s most dangerous assassin while you stand here like an asshole in fake scrubs!”

TALLY HO!

Colin:

Is it tally ho Valentine’s Day now?

We’re in a new semester. Earth’s fortunes haven’t improved.

Motherfucker tally hos off of everything. He’s seriously the best.

Colin:

This is very Terry Tate.

This is very Juggernaut.

I love that this scene is just him running through walls.

FUCK YOU DOOR!

Colin:

He’s busting through shit like a boss. I mean, it’s not quite the opening to Casino Royale, because what an opening that was, with him busting through that drywall. But I do enjoy this for how physical it is and how it feels less CGI than Marvel usually does.

Did you know there was something for you to land on there?

Colin:

He caught it. If you catch that shield, you should probably just keep it rather than give it back. Cause then you’ve got his awesome weapon/shield. There’s only so much vibranium.

Isn’t the implication that his arm is also vibranium?

Why do you have black around your eyes? This is purely so we can’t immediately tell this is Bucky. Same for the mask. No purpose aside from that.

FRISBEE TIME!

“Hey Buck… wanna have a catch?

So you don’t see him?

He’s probably just hanging off the side of the building right now.

Colin:

You also can’t just disappear that way. I don’t like it when movies do this, unless it’s Batman or something. Cause that person is either booking it, in which case you should see where they are, OR, they’re hiding right there, in which case they probably look like a total asshole.

Colin:

That Vette looks nice from above. And from most angles. But mostly, I like the solidity in the sound of the door closing. This generation of Corvette feels less plasticky than they used to.

Are you allowed to park there?

“Is he gonna make it?”

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“Tell me about the shooter.”

Colin:

Don’t use this time for exposition. Please don’t use this time for exposition.

“He’s fast. Strong. Had a metal arm.”

Which is gonna be weird when he becomes Captain America after the next movie.

Since, you know… Captain America shouldn’t be part cyborg.

Colin:

But actually…I feel like that works. Cause we’re like, whatever. 

Oh, and now you’re here.

Colin:

Cobie Smulders arrived because her name is in the credits.

“Ballistics.”

“Three slugs.”

“No rifle end, completely untraceable.”

“Soviet made.”

“Yeah.”

He went code.

Oh, and these assholes showed up. That’s probably not good.

Colin:

They’re sure as shit not killing him. He’s totally alive. Once you accept a few basic truths about Marvel, plots lose all complexity and surprise.

First, everyone is connected. He flirts with the neighbor, so she’s a good guy or a bad guy.

Second, characters can’t die. If it looks like they’re dead, they’re probably tricking you for their own benefit. Loki and now probably Fury “die” to be off the grid. That has to be what this is. Tell me I’m wrong.

Weren’t you on her other side before?

“Don’t do this to me, Nick.”

Colin:

I wish they’d shot this a little better. More close-ups. And the little stuff, like instead of having the doctor say, “Time of death…” you do a tight shot on his wrist as he pulls up the sleeve of his scrubs to check the watch. Shit like that. Put some art into it, people.

This is like Ocean’s Eleven, but with a dead black guy instead of a fountain.

Colin:

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the Ocean’s Eleven comparison Mike just gave us, because that is magnificent.

That’s the closest you guys can do to a Kangol?

So that’s the one that he can’t decrypt? That’s kind of a fuck you, isn’t it?

Colin:

Yeah, you give it to the guy who’s still getting used to the touch-tone telephone. That’ll help.

And somehow, through all of this, he was gonna trust Fury, yet doesn’t immediately trust Natasha, with whom he’s already fought aliens.

It’s gonna be weird when he’s alive later, since they’re just chilling with the body like this.

Colin:

Wait, his corpse is there. Is there a way to make him inert? They must have a drug that makes you inert or something, because he’s not moving at all. I still don’t believe he’s dead, although I’ll credit them for giving us this scene to further convince the less cynical among us that he really is.

What kinda Romeo and Juliet shit did they give him?

Colin:

And see, in Romeo and Juliet, I’ll take it because it means nothing and facilitates a plot I’m interested in. It’s the same thing in like, City Lights, where there’s just some miracle cure for blindness out of nowhere. In that, we don’t care because it’s a story that could bring you to tears, so shut up and go with the miracle cure. In this, I’m not sold on it because…that’s what you used this for? To bring back a dead character and renege on a heartfelt moment? I’ll accept the means if the end is worthy.

The worst is that they don’t even bring him back when they should bring him back, which is on the helicopter. Marvel is really bad with reveals.

Colin:

Also, he was a boss. We never saw him being a father figure to these women. Why are they crying? Are they just pussies? Are you just pussies? If not, and there was a proper connection between you, maybe build that by showing us that bond before you kill him.

Cause now I’m trying to think of why they’d be so emotional. “Remember how he used to…give orders, and stuff?” “Yeah. And how he’d wink at us? Or maybe he was blinking. But I like to think he was winking.”

You do have to stop to appreciate how his only characterization is “Samuel L. Jackson with an eyepatch.”

“Need to take him.”

“Morpheus, you were more than a leader to us. You were a father.”

Colin:

Touch the dead black guy’s bald head. That’ll help.

He’s Trinity in this scenario.

Colin:

I’m sorry, I’m still laughing at the Ocean’s Eleven “a dead black guy instead of a fountain” line.

“Why was Fury in your apartment?”

Colin:

“Now, I know you’re from Russia originally…do the letters ‘DL’ mean anything to you?”

Why did you rush out to leave and then ask him?

Butt stuff.

They just have jackets that say SHIELD?

“I don’t know.”

They want him back at SHIELD. Now.

Colin:

“JEEZ MOM GIMME A SEC GOD”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

And yet…

Colin:

She can’t ever be bad, cause she’s too awesome at what she does. Villains have to be bosses, but also strangely hopeless. It’s a strange line they straddle.

People die, life goes on, but the vending machines always need restocking.

What would the world be without Starburst?

“I kinda want a Starburst right now.”

Really?

How does he know nobody wants the Hubba Bubba?

Colin:

That’s not a terrible hiding place, cause a gum vending machine? This is probably the first time they’re stocking it since 1987. But he’ll have to come back here for it, which seems inconvenient. I don’t know why he couldn’t bring it along. Did people not have assholes in the 40s? I mean, that seems like a no-brainer.

You can SEE that shit, too! I’d buy them just to get that fucking drive.

Also, how did that guy stocking it not notice him slip it in there?

This is what the entire Divergent movie looks like.

Colin:

More establishing shots because what the hell else were we supposed to do?

I love Robert Redford, but this is stunt casting.

Colin:

Redford’s kept very trim over the years. Good for him.

Oh, hey, Agent Carter.

“Captain Rogers.”

“Neighbor.”

Colin:

“Fuck you, bitch who lives next to me.”

“Dick.”

“I’m Alexander Pierce.”

Have you not met before? Because that’s a little weird.

“Sir, it’s an honor.”

“The honor’s mine, Captain.”

Is it? You wanted Iron Man for your niece and not him.

Colin:

I think it might be the kids. The kids don’t give a fuck about Captain America, except for that one. But kids love Iron Man, because he’s basically an action figure.

“My father served in the 101^st.”

I bet he was the black one.

Colin:

Father served in the 101^st…so what’s the connection? Did he save Redford’s father? 

Him and Fury were friends. Is what he’s going for.

Trying to give away all suspicion for him as the bad guy. Father was in the same battalion, he and Fury were friends… classic diversionary tactics.

Ain’t working, guys. This is Marvel. You guys aren’t subtle or complex.

He talks about how he and Fury took down an embassy.

The funny thing here being that they’re basically the same age. Yet one of them is still running missions.

Anyway, he tells a story about how the embassy was taken, they had hostages, and Fury’s like, “Motherfucker, we’ll get ‘em from the sewers,” and Pierce was like, “Nah, let’s negotiate. I’m white, they’ll do it.” And then the organization’s like, “Nah, son. We don’t negotiate.” Which is weird, because nobody negotiates. And then they go storm the place through the basement (not the sewers), and find it empty. Because Fury did that shit anyway.

Which is treason. But apparently it’s cool, since he saved 12 people.

Including Pierce’s daughter.

(More diversion.)

Colin:

Not a bad story, although I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to say. That Fury’s willing to do whatever is necessary, regardless of orders?

“So you gave him a promotion?”

“I’ve never had any cause to regret it.”

Except, you know, when you tried to have him killed just now.

“Captain, why was Nick in your apartment last night?”

Butt stuff.

Also, why do you know he was there?

“I don’t know.”

The bullshit in this room is palpable.

Colin:

He knows he’s a bad liar, so he’s stopped lying. He really doesn’t know shit, so it’s actually pretty truthful, what he’s saying. But I’m not sure I trust his ability to handle that thumb drive. Does grandpa know what an air-gapped computer is?

“You know it was bugged?”

“I did. Because Nick told me.”

Which is a huge deal that somehow we’re overlooking. How they were listening to you the entire time.

Every time you jerked off, SHIELD heard you.

“He tell you he was the one who bugged it?”

Which is weird and diversionary and not relevant, but okay.

Oh look, more shit to get Cap on his side.

“They picked him up last night in a not-so-safe house in Algiers.”

But apparently he’s not a suspect. It’s more complicated than that.

He was contacted anonymously to attack that ship. He was emailed and paid through wire transfer. The money was then run through 17 fake accounts.

Colin:

I think we all knew how many accounts it was.

“Last one went to a holding company that was registered to a Jacob Veech.”

Guy died six years ago.

Lived at 1435 Elmhurst Drive.

And when Pierce first met Nick, his mother lived at 1437.

Because people remember that.

He thinks Fury hired the pirates to cover up the sale of classified intel.

Colin:

Is that not a hairpiece? I assumed it was just a dye job, but that’s impressive either way.

And not at all that this is all an elaborate cover up for something else.

Colin:

Oh, I like this setup. It’s not exactly John Le Carré, but this is a little faster than the average Marvel fan can keep up with, or at least faster than they were expecting to have to be able to keep up with.

“If you really knew Nick Fury then you know that’s not true.”

“Why do you think we’re talking?”

The plot?

“I took a seat on the council not because I wanted to but because Nick asked me to. Because we were both realists. We knew that despite all the diplomacy and the handshaking and the rhetoric, that to build a better world, sometimes means having to tear the old one down.”

And that’s not suspicious at all.

Colin:

If they were really going that extra step – okay, that’s generous, so let’s say those extra five steps – to Three Days of the Condor territory, there would be a lot more dialogue where one character knows almost everything and the other knows almost nothing and isn’t spoon fed everything.

The key to good writing of this type, and we saw this in All the President’s Men as well, is for them to give up little snippets here and there, and act exasperated or incredulous when the other guy doesn’t completely follow immediately. And cryptic scenes end with the guy saying something like, “Well, Christ. I can’t give you everything. Go figure it out.” Remember the 1970s and how great they were for movies?

“Those people that call you dirty because you’ve got the guts to stick your hands in the mud and try to build something better. And the idea that those people could be happy today makes me really, really angry.”

Wow, couldn’t imagine why you’d be the villain.

Pause to have a great image of Robert Redford.

“Captain, you were the last one to see Nick alive.”

That’s not true. Carter did. And Hill did. And Romanoff did. And the doctors did.

And those two other guys in suits did.

If you mean alive and talking, then yes.

“I don’t think that’s an accident. And I don’t think you do either.”

It’s because he trusted him. Clearly.

“So I’m gonna ask again – why was he there?”

“He told me not to trust anyone.”

Colin:

I like the new uniform better than the old one.

I love close ups of Redford.

“I wonder if that included him.”

Colin:

“Could he have meant…HIMSELF?! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!”

“Sorry. Those were his last words.”

Space.

“Excuse me.”

That’s great. Gotta put the shield on.

“Captain, somebody murdered my friend. I’m gonna find out why. Anyone gets in my way, they’re gonna regret it.”

“Anyone.”

Colin:

“That was code for, I’m gonna fuck your day up. But I liked Redford’s face as he said it. The guy knows how to act. And he’ll kill you. You’d better not let him move. He’s better when he moves.

“Understood.”

END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and Cap on the run.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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