Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Part III — “A Storied History in Jersey”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

We begin Part III with a shot that’s 90% CGI.

Colin:

These shots are not benign, people.

I wish this was real. How nice is this composition?

Colin:

I like elevators. Dunno why. Always have. More importantly, Japan has grown sufficiently concerned with the prospect of people getting stuck in elevators during earthquakes that they’ve developed toilets that pop out in case of emergency. Which…oh yeah. That’s where I’m at. A loft apartment with the elevator opening into the apartment, and it has a toilet in it. Yup.

I want an elevator that opens to my apartment.

And a toilet everywhere. Some people get nervous about public toilets. I’d shit right on the sidewalk if toilets came out of the walls.

We have to be close to that, right? Wall toilets? Swipe a card. “Have to shit right now? $3.99 and a toilet will come out of the wall.”

Nice image. Not for shots, just, for the movie.

This is the obvious good shot, but the other one actually is more thematically relevant. This one just looks nice.

This is a hit. Anyone who forces their way into an elevator as the doors are closing is a serial killer.

Colin:

This guy’s just the right blend of Mediterranean and dark for the average moviegoer to accept him as the gruff, hardworking member of the team until they then shoot him right way and they see him as the devious bad henchman who turns on the hero. He’s like an ethnic Kuleshov Effect for the good guy-bad guy spectrum.

You know what’s missing in that edit? Character development.

I wonder what’s gonna happen now.

P.S. Nice slightly darker black pullover, guy.

Seriously, where is this building?

“Evidence response found some fibers on the roof they want us to see. You want me to get the tac team ready?”

What? We found some DNA, should we get a bunch of guys ready to murder someone?

Maybe let’s wait and see who the DNA belongs to. What if it belonged to a cat? Gonna get a tac team set up for a cat?

My rule: don’t get the tac team until the semen analysis is completed.

“Let’s wait and see what it is first.”

How not subtle is that?

Wow, you guys are suspiciously avoiding eye contact.

Colin:

Good for them, dragging this out. You know what works in movies? Knowing some bad shit is going to happen, and showing that both sides know what’s about to go down, and just continuing the charade for a little bit.

They’re doing a great job of setting this up.

And these guys are comedy directors.

They made Welcome to Collinwood, which is a movie I really liked (it’s a remake of Big Deal on Madonna Street), that’s also got a crazy amount of recognizable people in it. Then they did You Me and Dupree, and then did Arrested Development and Community episodes. And somehow, they’re exactly what Marvel needed.

“I’m sorry about what happened with Fury. Messed up, what happened to him.”

“Thank you.”

Colin:

It’s funny because he’s really saying sorry for what’s about to happen to Steve. And how messed up it’ll be.

Captain America doesn’t like black people.

It’s scenes like this that made me forget about all the other bullshit surrounding them. But the bullshit has to be considered too, which is why I understand why I rated this movie the way I did when I first saw it.

Colin:

This is great. Just adding more huge guys and showing everyone trying to act normal. This is how you build boss-ness. Him just watching them assemble, like, “More, huh? Damn. It’s getting cramped in here.” But also totally expecting them and being fine with it. Like when Neo greets the upgraded agents. “Hi-ya, fellas.”

“Before we get started, does anyone wanna get out?”

Trailer moment.

I’m torn. On the one hand, the cut to him having demolished everyone would be great, but the cramped quarters fistfight is also terrific.

They didn’t think this one through. But I don’t care. Go for it.

Colin:

Mondays. Am I right, guys?

There’s a shot.

Colin:

I’m so glad they didn’t just try to gas him in here. This is so much better. Don’t need the magnetic cuffs, but otherwise, awesome.

Pretty much anything that’s not fists and melee weapons is unnecessary in this scene.

I like how they put two guys in suits here just to maybe mask the fact that this was an obvious hit. The downside being, now you guys have to fight in suits.

But somehow, like James Bond — never get ripped.

He looks like he’s gonna vomit right now.

Shots.

Wow, though. Context is a great thing.

Why did we need to cut to people watching this?

One-armed man in an ass-kicking contest.

Okay.

Colin:

They should have held on this but done it in a real elevator that they actually made.

Yes. Hold on this, and have it moving.

“I just want you to know, Cap, this isn’t personal.”

“It kinda feels personal.”

Why does it feel personal?

I’m torn. Cutting outside the elevator would have been funny, but we also got a close combat fight, which is nice.

Colin:

What are you REALLY trying to do at this point? You’re by yourself in an elevator with Steve Rogers. And this guy has worked with him, so he should know. Bad idea.

That’ll end a fight.

Colin:

What a great shot that is for this movie. Also, this is where you kill the jerk, because he’s the clearly bad guy. The rules are out the window right now.

Seriously, just pop the pin on a grenade and walk out.

By the way, that fight ended exactly 49 minutes into the movie.

And you couldn’t do that earlier?

Are we gonna do an Oldboy now? Cut outside the building as this happens?

Colin:

THAT was your plan? Opening the door? This seems cut and dry: it’s a tally ho out the window, and you use the magnetic cuff to periodically halt your descent. I’m amazed Marvel didn’t think of that, because it’s the dumb action version. I mean, I think I like him dropping the elevator better, but that seems like what they WOULD do.

Are none of those guys conscious again yet?

Or not. I guess that is another way to go.

You guys have a lot of soldiers ready to go. I feel like actual headquarters won’t have field agents just around and able to mobilize quickly.

“Nope.”

SHIELD SURFING!

I really do appreciate his willingness to jump out of and off of things at a moment’s notice.

You don’t survive that.

Colin:

Oh, so he IS out. But, wait. Shit, they really just have him freefall like 15 floors through a glass roof and hit the cement. That’s death.

This is the lobby people walk in later in the movie. I guess maintenance is on top of stuff here.

“He’s headed for the garage. Lock down the bridge.”

Colin:

Walk it off, I guess? The guy’s like, “Motherfucker. This is absurd.” And yes, bald man. It is. But you should have known.

Way to lock shit down.

Colin:

What did he just jump the bike with?

Now, compare this to him potentially fighting his way out of the building. Which is better?

Yeah, okay.

Does anyone even know why they’re shooting at him?

Colin:

Spiky death and a minigun pointed at you. Isn’t this where the shield goes up front?

Doesn’t look like he’s standing down.

Do they ever?

Maybe put the shield in front of the bike and pretend like that’ll give you more cover.

If this is an actual plane and not CGI, I love this shot.

Colin:

C’mon, buddy.

Colin:

Oh, come on. Oh, come on.

Colin:

Oh, come on.

Colin:

Come the fuck on.

Colin:

Oh, COME ON.

I’ve got nothing to say here. This is shitty.

One way to lock down a bridge.

Colin:

Really, bro? Come on.

“Bitch.”

Colin:

All this awesome non-CGI action, and then that.

That’s a subtitle for this entire movie.

Colin:

Seriously, there was a lot of really great action there with the elevator fight and even the fall through the roof. If that had turned into a straight motorcycle chase with SHIELD guys, I would have been over the moon.

The chase wouldn’t have been the choice. Because that would be two chases in a row. I think they either had to keep lo fi or just move on. There’s nothing wrong with punctuated action that’s brief. That was a perfect sequence. It had story relevance and furthered characters (to the extent that Marvel can, at this point). Marvel has this irresistible desire to go big with their action sequences, and the more they go big, the more I want to go home.

“Whatever your op is, bury it. This is level one.”

Colin:

Look who thinks he’s Pam Landy.

I know we’re supposed to be looking at Sharon here, but that lady on the right is freaking me the fuck out with the crazy eyes.

And that guy on the left looks like he’s up to some no good stuff back there.

Colin:

Uh oh, he offered to do her laundry and she caught feelings?

Do you guys really need a photo of Cap? Don’t we know who he is?

Also, he basically just said, “We’re gonna infringe on everyone’s privacy because we’re looking for this guy.”

Which is kinda what you did with the Avengers. But I guess since the world isn’t at stake it’s not okay this time?

“With all due respect, if SHIELD is conducting a manhunt for Captain America, we deserve to know why.”

Yes, but also, it’s your job. The audience deserves to know why, just because it makes no fucking sense. But you, you’re being told by a superior to do something.

Colin:

It’s cute that they think someone would openly question orders like that in front of everyone and not expect to be severely reprimanded.

“Because he lied to us.”

Colin:

Every time someone offscreen starts a line with “because,” I think of Walter Donovan saying, “Because he didn’t take my advice.”

Were you just standing at the door during all of this? Or did you hang back until you had a moment to interject?

“Captain Rogers has information regarding the death of Director Fury. He refused to share it.”

So I’m gonna kill him.

“Sanchez, what the fuck are you wearing? This is an intelligence agency, not a luau. Just — go home. I can’t even look at you in those moccasins.”

“As difficult as this is to accept, Captain America is now a fugitive from SHIELD.”

That guy in the back can’t believe it either.

That’s also the flimsiest logic I’ve ever heard.

You never said he was a suspect, you’re just hunting him down because he knows something and didn’t tell you.

Colin:

Well, that’s how these agencies work. We want to know some shit you know and you won’t tell us. So we’ll capture you and information-rape you.

Also great that he’s a fugitive from SHIELD, yet… FBI, CIA, NSA… they’re cool. Don’t even care what’s going on. Are we past the point of “training exercises”? How do you explain that jet crash on the bridge? Do people just go with it now? Have they become as inured to the destruction as we the audience have?

Well that’s not suspicious. The one non-medical person walking up a hospital hallway with a hoodie on, trying not to be noticed.

Colin:

Hoodies’ll get you noticed.

Right, why would anyone question that?

Colin:

What if he was black?

Also, he’s a fugitive from SHIELD, not everyone. SHIELD’s cameras can spot you even if you’re in a hoodie. So there’s really no point to be doing this.

Did you bring change?

Do you get a salary?

Do you have bank accounts?

Do you have the same bank account from 80 years ago?

Did it collect interest? Are you a millionaire?

A HA HA you underestimated the appeal of the Hubba Bubba.

Colin:

Nobody chews that much gum. Oh, wait. For that matter, I’m still wondering why did didn’t stash it in his prison pocket.

So she realized it and bought all the gum? That makes sense, I guess. Because there’s no way that shit was ever getting bought legitimately.

Are they gonna go fuck in a hospital bed?

Colin:

Natasha. This looks like it could be fun! A little roll on the hospital bed?

We’re the best.

Colin:

We are the best. I also want to give credit where credit’s due — them keeping the same shot and switching the focus from him to her in reflection.

Nope, not suspicious at all.

“Where is it?”

“Safe.”

Colin:

They’re both Avengers. Shit can’t come between Avengers [yet].

“Where did you get it?”

“Why would I tell you?”

Why wouldn’t you be able to figure it out?

Why was Fury at your apartment? I don’t know. You’re a horrible liar. Oh, look, here’s a flash drive. Where did you get it? Wonder if the two could have any connection whatsoever. Nah, probably not. I know Cap is just such a tech hound.

“Fury gave it to you. Why?”

Oh, good. You figured it out. Because he’s a horrible liar.

Still an unnecessary exchange.

“What’s on it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Stop lying.”

Well, if she knew, this exchange would be going a lot differently.

“I only act like I know everything, Rogers.”

“I bet you knew Fury hired the pirates, didn’t you?”

Colin:

I like this Steve Rogers. He’s ready to seriously hurt her. Although I’m really not convinced of that. She could so get out of this right now, couldn’t she? Maybe she just doesn’t want to? I don’t get why she has to be all mysterious and shifty when she knows he’s good and she wants to help him get to the bottom of things. Like, why not make that known first?

The Plot.

“Well, makes sense, the ship was dirty, Fury needed a way in, so do you.”

Nice bit of reaction there before the line.

“I’m not gonna ask you again.”

Does no one work here?

“I know who killed Fury.”

Do you?

“Most of the intelligence community believes he doesn’t exist. The ones that do call him the Winter Soldier.”

Because they just do.

Colin:

Yeah, that’s still a strange name for people to come up with unofficially. Were there people sitting around a table in the CIA cafeteria arguing over what to call him? “I like ‘Metal Armed Asshole.'”

“He’s credited with over two dozen assassinations over the last fifty years.”

And yet somehow… still the same age!

Colin:

That’s what I love about these super soldiers, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

“So he’s a ghost story?”

“Five years ago, I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot out my tires near Odessa—”

Who cares where it was near?

“We lost control, went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer, so he shot him.”

Colin:

More stories because everyone has like 8 stories to tell in this movie. Did everyone else notice how it’s just a lot of stories about missions and ops and stuff?

“Straight through me.”

“Bye bye, bikinis.”

Sure. Remember those modeling pictures from Iron Man 2?

Colin:

Bye bye bikinis? Yeah, right. As for the modeling pictures, remember Photoshop?

“Yeah, I bet you look terrible in them now.”

Colin:

Oh, he called her on it too. Good for you.

“Going after him’s a dead end. I know, I’ve tried.”

Why aren’t we watching that?

Also, why is she still alive? What was the purpose of that? Someone shot her tires out, she went over a cliff (which… okay), and then he killed her engineer through her. Did he think that was a kill shot? Because I feel like he’s a good enough assassin to know that wasn’t gonna do it. What was his mission there? Because it seems like he was there for her.

“Like you said, he’s a ghost story.”

And is that a book of fairy tales? Digital campfire?

Colin:

We knew they were going to work together. Marvel didn’t need to have them withhold information from one another just to make it a little tenser. You have them both on the level, wanting to help the other and work together, but because we never have the tense moment where they call each other out, we get to spend the rest of the movie wondering if it’ll be a backstab. Things are better the way we tell them.

“Let’s find out what the ghost wants.”

I’m wondering why they figure the ghost wants anything. Don’t you wanna know who the ghost works for? Let’s figure out what that person wants.

“Nick Fury was murdered in cold blood. To any reasonable person, that would make him a martyr, not a traitor.”

Oh, nice, defending his friend’s legacy while setting him up on the side. Haven’t seen that one before a dozen times.

Now they’re all shitting on Fury. Gonna suck when he’s their boss in 90 minutes.

Colin:

More council meetings. I don’t get who they are or who runs them or why they’re international.

He plays the, “I’ll fucking resign right now” card. And they say, “Yeah yeah, you can resign later.”

They’re restarting Project Insight.

Wow, it’s almost as if that’s exactly what he wants.

“You wanna say something snappy, now would be a good time.”

Colin:

Alan Dale is cool though. He’s got a good voice. I’m glad they gave him a lot of the lines.

Why would he say something snappy? He just won.

Colin:

That face.

What’s with the hipster shoes?

“The first rule of going on the run is don’t run, walk.”

Colin:

Hah! They look just like us!

They think they’re people!

He spent $300 on fake glasses just to blend in.

And now they’re hacking from an Apple Store.

Colin:

Fucking Apple store. I enjoyed the response to Apple’s new streaming service. Some Slate writer was like, “Breaking news! Apple has invented something called ‘radio.’ It’s the next big thing.” Pretty much every tech company does this shit now.

They have nine minutes from now.

I like this cut. Cut out the other bullshit. This makes it seem like just plugging in the drive triggered the response team. Which it did, but you know it went through, “We got something,” “Deploy the STRIKE team,” and then running to vehicles stages first. This way is better. This is what editing is supposed to do.

Colin:

See, why didn’t we have this chase when he split on his motorcycle? No stupid helicopter thing.

“Fury was right about that ship. Somebody was trying to hide something.”

I’m wondering how you hacked into that thing, if Fury couldn’t even get on. Why didn’t he just bring it to you before, in that case?

Oh, so she can’t.

“Can you override it?”

“The person who developed this is slightly smarter than me. Slightly.”

Colin:

Is that implying that Stark designed it?

Isn’t the actual answer that computer Zola designed it? Is she saying she’s as good as a computer?

You never see this happen in real life. Just once I want to see this happen and know it’s a hit.

Colin:

Ever stepped into an Apple store with a Glock? They’re not super cool with it, since it isn’t one of theirs.

Can someone write a scene with a genius bar at a gun store?

“I was just cleaning it the other day and it went off.”

“Okay, let me run some diagnostics. And oh man, we’ll fix this top coat for you, since it’s all scratched up.”

She gives hacking exposition. We don’t care.

Colin:

She’s telling him all the tech shit like it means something to him. He might know the difference between a 45 and a 78, and that’s probably where his expertise ends.

Basically gonna track where the file was from (which makes no sense, but okay). Give them some place to go.

Colin:

GoldenEye did this so much better.

They’re right in front of you, and they open large doors.

“Can I help you guys with anything?”

You look exactly like someone who would work at a Mac Store.

Colin:

Oh, this guy. What a fucking genius he must be.

“Oh, no, my fiancé was just helping me with some honeymoon destinations.”

Really? Because it looks like you’re hacking into one of their computers.

Also, I’ve been to an Apple store. They don’t just come up to you.

“Right, we’re getting married.”

“Congratulations, where you guys thinking of going?”

Punchline!

Colin:

Fucking New Jersey. He hasn’t really made any callbacks to the 1940s. Which makes me sad.

Here’s a question — they put this drive in and immediately they come to get them. Can they not use this computer to figure out what they did and where they’re going? Because there probably should be people checking out that base.

Why does he look like he’s wearing lipstick?

“I have the exact same glasses.”

And you just overlooked the Jersey thing? Someone came into my store and said they were honeymooning in Jersey, my first words would be, “Get the fuck out of here right now.”

Colin:

Mike has a storied history in retail.

I also have a storied history in Jersey.

I’m not proud of either.

“Wow, you guys are practically twins.”

“Yeah… I wish.”

Colin:

Go away, obviously creepy Apple employee.

“You guys need anything, I’ve been Aaron.”

And who are you gonna be now?

Colin:

Gone, hopefully.

One woman in the group. What kind of initiation shit do you think she had to go through?

You know, because the military is sexist as shit.

“You said nine minutes, come on.”

“Shh, relax.”

No, you did say nine minutes. That’s actually important, since they are trying to kill you.

“Got it.”

Not a real place.

Colin:

You know that? They could have put it in “Pig Anus, NJ” and I’d have gone with it.

“You know it?”

You shouldn’t, because it doesn’t exist.

“I used to.”

He goes over a bunch of shit that’s not gonna matter.

Colin:

This isn’t Waterloo Station.

Maybe if it ended like that, though…

“Shut up and put your arm around me and laugh at something I said. Do it!”

This is Minority Report.

See?

(That was to the Minority Report comment and the ‘not gonna matter’ comment.)

Negative at the store.

Colin:

It’s nice that these guys are all beat the fuck up.

Negative on 3.

Negative on 2.

Not suspicious to anybody?

And naturally he just saw them.

“Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.”

“Yes, they do.”

Colin:

Very Bourne, though, yeah? I like that she knows the tradecraft and can get them out of there without a fight. This is exactly the sort of shit I’ve been talking about. You know how easy it would have been for them to be like, “Fuck it, this next scene – SHIELD is hunting him and they shoot up a mall.”

Why didn’t she just do it instead of explaining it to him?

Colin:

And they kiss. Did he poke her in her abdominal scar?

And do you not recognize them out of uniform? Are you looking for two people in leather right now? Are you one of those weirdos?

“You still uncomfortable?”

Colin:

Guy in the blue shirt is like, “Noice.”

“That’s not exactly the word I would use.”

Yeah, I was gonna make a joke, but… he’s looking right at you guys.

And cut to New Jersey.

The worst transition you can possibly make.

Apparently they only rent or sell Chevys in this universe.

(Also might be the first time I’ve noticed that without Colin pointing it out first.)

Colin:

They stole a truck. A big Chevy pickup. Who would have guessed?

I’m on a mission to educate. Most product placement isn’t 15 ft long and doesn’t weigh 5,000 lbs.

Yeah, we saw that from before.

“Where did Captain America learn how to steal a car?”

“Nazi Germany.”

The answer to every question that starts “where.”

“And we’re borrowing. Take your feet off the dash.”

Colin:

You’re not borrowing. When is that getting back to its owner?

That face.

“All right, I have a question for you. Which you do not have to answer. I feel like if you don’t answer it, though, you’re kind of answering it, you know?”

“What?”

Colin:

She has faces.

“Was that your first kiss since 1945?”

“That bad, huh?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well it kind of sounds like that’s what you were saying.”

Colin:

This is one of the nice things about Steve Rogers and why he’s usually better developed than everyone except Stark. “That bad, huh?” He doesn’t not answer and he doesn’t lie. He’s not running from the truth, in any case. And that’s something they could use if they were really good at character-building. He needs to accept something he doesn’t want to accept, and that’s the real challenge.

I’m actually kinda curious if he’s ever banged a chick. Because it seems like the answer is no.

“No. I didn’t. I just wondered how much practice you had.”

“You don’t need practice.”

“Everybody needs practice.”

“It was not my first kiss since 1945. I’m 95, not dead.”

So you have banged a chick? Why aren’t we seeing that?

Colin:

That reminds me of the time I forgot my neighbor had died. And I started the sentence, “Oh yeah, my neighbor’s like ninety…dead. Sorry, I forgot, she died.”

That sounds like something out of Louie.

But I can relate. I’ve said on many occasions how I actually forget the existence of people I know and have openly told them I forgot they even existed and actually assumed they had died.

“Nobody special, though?”

“Believe it or not, it’s kinda hard to find someone with shared life experience.”

Colin:

If you’re looking for shared experience, polio is still a thing in Nigeria.

“Oh, that’s all right, you just make something up.”

Or… just meet someone like a normal person.

“What, like you?”

“Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.”

Colin:

I like this dialogue. I mean, I don’t love it, but I’m really trying to put things in perspective after a slew of movies I’d rather not have scrutinized to the degree we do.

“It’s a tough way to live.”

“It’s a good way not to die, though.”

You’re implying that those are the only two options.

“You know, it’s kinda hard to trust someone when you don’t know who that someone really is.”

“Yeah.”

There’s more.

“Who do you want me to be?”

A sexy nurse of indeterminate European origin who specializes in blowjobs.

“How about a friend?”

Or that. I guess.

“Well there’s a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rogers”

Meaning what? Either they’re gonna fuck each other or nothing?

Colin:

Yeah, I’m super not sure about what this is supposed to mean. Are they having a thing? They never really get to this. Isn’t this supposed to be Three Days of the Condor? When’s he going to tie her to a toilet? Can’t sleep with a woman til you’ve tied her to a toilet.

Are you taking pictures of New Jersey?

Wouldn’t put this past New Jersey.

Colin:

Sil…ver…Silver…ado? I think it’s a Chevy!

Oh, you mean that wasn’t named after a cross that we’re gonna take from a cave?

So much for Portugalavanting.

Guess we’re going Jerslunking.

There is a 100% chance you’re being exposed to large levels of toxic waste.

Colin:

What a strange bowtie badge that truck has.

“The file came from these coordinates.”

“So did I.”

Nope. Born in Brooklyn, experiment happened in Brooklyn. That’s like saying you came from where you went to summer camp.

“This camp is where I was trained.”

Colin:

I’m always bugged when there’s a jump cut to later on and the dialogue is still right where you left off. It’s clearly been hours, and he’s only just now telling her that this is where he was trained. As though they walked around in silence for like 4 hours.

“Change much?”

“A little.”

Colin:

He’s 95. And hallucinating.

Colin:

Captain America: Secret Alcoholic

Yeah, I don’t care about this. This is for the benefit of the audience. He’s saying this is where he trained, we don’t need to see it. This is really for people who don’t listen to the dialogue. Which I want to blame them, the audience, for, but honestly, Marvel makes it so difficult to actually listen to their dialogue, I don’t know if I can even do that.

“Well this is a dead end. Zero heat signatures, zero waves, not even radio. Whoever made the file must have used a router to throw people off.”

Somehow, I doubt it.

“What is it?”

“Army regulations forbid storing munitions within 500 yards of the barracks. This building’s in the wrong place.”

Is that one of the changes? Or did you just magically know that now and not then?

Colin:

Good thing they broke an Army regulation in covering up their base.

“This is SHIELD.”

“Maybe where it started.”

No good thing starts in Jersey.

“There’s Stark’s father.”

“Howard.”

Yeah, we know who Stark’s father is. Thanks, guys.

“Who’s the girl?”

Fuck you.

Colin:

The old crew had their pictures up. Old people really liked pictures, huh?

Colin:

Oh, don’t pretend like she was the love of your life. She had like 12 lines with you outside of exposition and a failed attempt at A Matter of Life and Death. You can move on. There are young, hot females trying to get some of that Cap gun.

Colin:

Standard mystery stuff. “Hey, I hear a breeze through the wall!”

Put the candle back.

“If you’re already working in a secret office—”

“Why do you need to hide the elevator?”

He’s not the right type of character to break up a line for a reveal.

Colin:

Wait…I sorta get analyzing which buttons were pressed, but how did you know what combination to press them in? You had 16 iterations.

Permutations!

That’s a pretty modern elevator for 1945.

Colin:

This is the elevator Nick Fury’s grandfather worked in.

Colin:

Hey, so…where was the shield when they were at the Apple store?

Fantastic question that I never considered. Here’s Marvel again sacrificing continuity for the sake of what’s happening this second.

I can’t even try to explain it. They didn’t steal the car yet. And the shield wasn’t even with him in the hospital. So he just left it somewhere. Which seems suspect. I guess after taking down all the guys in the elevator, he went back to his apartment, took off the uniform, and put his shield down? Nope, because when he goes back for the shield, the suit never comes with him and he has to steal the other one later on. Plus, there is no way someone’s not staking out or watching that apartment.

I like to think that he left it in a locker at the train station.

Colin:

Large, dusty rooms underground. I would so gut this place and turn it into a chilling pad. No strobes or loud speakers. No. Couches, a screening area.

I want an underground screening room/hangout room.

Well this took on a hue out of nowhere.

This is what the first Matrix looked like.

“This can’t be the data point, this technology is ancient.”

They’re actually just looking around at old machines.

That’s not ancient.

So do you have nine minutes again? Because they tracked you before.

So, was this just set up for them to find?

Think very carefully about what you do right now.

No?

SHE FUCKING SPELLS IT OUT LOUD?!!!! YOU’RE A HACKER FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! AND WE CAN SEE IT!

“Shall we play a game?”

Colin:

Faces.

“It’s from a movie that was really popular.”

“I know, I saw it.”

Colin:

He saw WarGames?

What asshole told him to put that on the list?

Wait, so you haven’t seen the fucking moon landing or Star Wars, yet you’ve seen Saw? You gotta reevaluate your life priorities, man.

Colin:

Wait, was it Saw? I thought it was WarGames.

It is. I wanted to go for something that was blatantly wrong, but I realized the quotes so similar that people would actually just assume the mistake was legitimate and that they were actually referencing Saw. Which is not what I want people to get out of this.

It’s WarGames, kids. Watch WarGames. It’s better than Saw.

Also, Steve Jobs and Apple was on his list of things to check out. So that’s one he can cross off.

Colin:

I would at least cover the camera. Cause what if it’s like a Tron thing?

It’s The Matrix.

“Rogers. Steven.”

“Romanoff. Natalya.”

And you go by Natasha?

Honestly, fuck it.

“This is some kind of a recording.”

Sure it is.

“I am not a recording, Fraulein.”

Yeah, you tell her, Toby Jones!

Colin:

Toby got saved on tapes. Makes you wonder why they wouldn’t pop one of the tape banks open and mess with him.

“I may not be the man I was when the Captain took me prisoner in 1945, but I am.”

What?

“Zola was a scientist that worked for the Red Skull. He’s been dead for years.”

“First correction. I am Swiss. Second, look around you. I have never been more alive.”

I’d be cool if they were able to do this with me.

Colin:

You’re not more alive than ever. Can you jizz? I think not.

Of course he can jizz. Did you see the close up of that keyboard?

He actually can’t see you right now.

“In 1972, I received a terminal diagnosis. Science could not save my body. My mind, however, that was worth saving. On 200,000 feet of data banks.”

72? So how old was he? He must have made it to about 70 years old. Which is pretty good, considering the war crimes this guy committed.

Also, pretty great how Marvel still can’t kill a character.

“You are standing in my brain.”

“How did you get here?”

“Invited.”

SHIELD recruited German scientists after the war to help.

“They thought I could help their cause. I also helped my own.”

“Hydra died with the Red Skull.”

“Cut off one head, two more shall take its place.”

“Prove it.”

Colin:

Why the hell is Toby spilling the beans? I don’t understand why he’d exposit so much to his enemies. Is it because she plugged in the drive that we already saw give away their location?

Colin:

His “brain” also includes Nazi YouTube.

“Hydra was founded on the belief that humanity could not be trusted with its own freedom.”

“What we did not realize was that if you try to take that freedom, they resist.”

Colin:

Strange that it’s English, huh?

I like that his computer has filters.

“The war taught us much. Humanity needed to surrender its freedom willingly.”

Look at these old fucks.

“After the war, SHIELD was founded.”

Colin:

Who made this photo collage?

“And I was recruited.”

Colin:

Do you not have a better picture than that?

“The new Hydra grew.”

So is the implication that this guy, who felt the Red Skull’s actions were morally questionable the whole time, after Schmidt died, decided, “Fuck America,” and then single-handedly resurrected HYDRA within SHIELD? Okay.

“A beautiful parasite.”

“Inside SHIELD.”

Colin:

So all the shit we saw SHIELD doing already, taking freedoms and shit to protect people. But of course, you have to wonder how HYDRA would grow like that and remain undetected. How do you recruit someone to join? What if they don’t go with it? Do you have to kill everyone who says no? In which case, would there not be a shit ton of random dead people?

And if HYDRA is indeed mostly running SHIELD, wouldn’t it seem strange that they effectively assembled the team that would best contest them and resurrected their greatest hero? This whole movie is weird, when you consider that HYDRA within SHIELD was part of bringing Captain America back to the world.

There’s no logic behind this whatsoever. Because even if they are keeping a low profile, there’s no way they’re not subtly fucking up missions for them. It’s one of those reveals that they expect you to just go with, because the minute you start wondering how that’s possible, it doesn’t hold up in the slightest.

“For seventy years, Hydra has been secretly feeding crisis. Reaping war.”

And yet never stopping the people trying to stop it.

Okay.

“And when history did not cooperate, history was changed.”

Except when, you know… it wasn’t.

Also, did you just write retcon into you story?

“That’s impossible. SHIELD would have stopped you.”

“Accidents will happen.”

Colin:

The author of this article is a v isual effects artist on the movie. I enjoy seeing these names — like the woman’s name tag in the elevator in Iron Man 3 — and finding them online. Stalking is easy.

Also, accidents will happen? Oh no, they killed Howard Stark! Peggy’s still alive. This is flimsy at best.

Weird how almost all the legit SHIELD members have been killed, yet they still operate mostly as the good guys.

YEAH RIGHT. Like it took this long to kill Fury and this was all part of your plan.

“Hydra created a world so chaotic that humanity is finally ready to sacrifice its freedom to gain its security.”

You guys would still be fucked by aliens.

See, there’s an Insight satellite. That had to be some sort of rocket on that boat.

“Once the purification process is complete, Hydra’s new world order will arise.”

Will it now?

So, here’s something I’m just gonna point out.

I like the conspiracy angle and making it more than just a bullshit superhero movie. (It’ll devolve back into one soon enough.) But you can say you were inspired by Three Days of the Condor all you want, but basically all you really did was have then go, “Hey, we have a flash drive with some shit on it. Let’s see what’s on it. Oh, we can’t. So let’s see where it came from. Let’s go there,” and then dropped all the exposition you need right on them in the center of the movie. Like Guardians of the Galaxy did. Like pretty much all these movies do.

Colin:

It’s cutting out like 15 steps. The difference here is that Three Days of the Condor had a much smaller goal. He had to stay alive and figure out what was happening so it could be reported. This movie just got us to that point right now. And we’re only halfway through because now he has to singlehandedly take down the bad guys.

So kudos for trying, but the reason I said this is probably the best Marvel can do as a Marvel movie is because this is actually the best they can do. They can try to aim higher, but you get bogged down in the world building and the formula and the action bullshit, and the result is a movie with flashes of great things, but overall it’s just ehh, and not that great filmmaking.

Colin:

It’s the action bullshit. If this wasn’t about Captain America taking on all of SHIELD/HYDRA alone, it would have been great. They could have made it about him finding out what’s going on with Natasha. Nobody gives them everything — they have to use tradecraft and spy skills to get there. She could have used her interrogation skills for once.

The only time they’ve ever been able to rise above have been when a filmmaker (or actor, in the obvious case. But also the filmmaker) has a voice larger than the formula: Iron Man, Guardians, and to an extent, The Avengers. Or when it’s a straight genre movie with a clear theme: Captain America 1. (But even that has flaws.) This movie doesn’t do genre or theme, really. It almost does, but then it just stops.

“We won, Captain.”

“Your death amounts to the same as your life. A zero sum.”

Colin:

That doesn’t really mean anything.

If there ever was a screenshot that Captain America wanted for himself, this is it.

Captain America in a nutshell. Technology giving you problems? Punch it.

Too bad this situation doesn’t also include martyring himself.

“As I was saying…”

Good, fuck him.

“What’s on this drive?”

“Project Insight requires insight. So I wrote an algorithm.”

Does that mean Project Titties requires Titties? Because that’s the project I wanna be involved in.

“What kind of algorithm. What does it do?”

It algorizes. Algorithes?

Or does it warn about global warming while also dancing? Al-Gore-rhthym?

Nailed that one, Mike. BOOZE.

“The answer to your question is fascinating. Unfortunately, you shall be too dead to hear it.”

Nice response.

RUN THROUGH THE DOOR.

Here’s the point where we had a real story being told and then were reminded… oh right, there’s a shield and this bullshit is coming back.

“Steve, we got a bogey.”

Colin:

Yeah, okay, so missile. I guess it was just his ego that made him give away the ACTUAL story. Wait, so is Zola still alive digitally, somewhere else? Do HYDRA dudes have him on their iPods or something?

Let’s stop right there.

How amazing would that be?

Even on the SHIELD side? Basically have an M, or the Chief from Carmen Sandiego, but uploaded to the internet and can show up on your phone to give orders, but isn’t a physical person so they never have to infringe upon the story and take up actual scenes.

Colin:

And if she’s a fugitive, why does she have this information on her phone? And why is there service down here?

“Who fired it?”

Who the fuck do you think?

“I’m afraid I have been stalling, Captain.”

“Admit it, it’s better this way. We are, both of us, out of time.”

One of you still has a body.

There should be a sign that says “fuck you’ right under these grates.

Are those all Zola?

So, is Zola gone, or is he part of the singularity? Has he… transcended? 200,000 yards is nice and all, but if he just blew himself up, is that it?

Colin:

Wouldn’t they have downloaded him at some point?

The film doesn’t care to explain any further, so we have to ask these questions.

Did you guys know that flames don’t go into holes?

And that’s the end of the movie!

Colin:

Oh man, bitches love it when you pull them from rubble.

Presumably SHIELD is tracking heat sigs right now.

Colin:

Wow, very Terminator.

Colin:

You’d think he’d be like, “Where’s Stark?” And through all of this, I’d like for everyone to remember that Marvel’s excuse for no crossover in the movies is that this movie is happening at the same time as Iron Man 3. Unless it’s Christmas here as well, as everyone else is out in t-shirts…yeah, no. And even if it WAS the same time, wouldn’t everyone notice during all of this that there were like 50 terrorist attacks or that the president was kidnapped from Air Force One?

I just think this whole thing is a major cop out. They’ve gotten to the point (or rather, they started at the point) where they have to say, “Look, it just is because it fucking is, okay?”