Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Part IV — “…Actually, Never Mind”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
We begin Part IV with GARY SHANDLING!
“Listen, I gotta fly home tonight, because I got some constituency problem, and I gotta impress the flesh.”
Colin:
Garry Shandling, because we’ve all been good this year and deserved a treat.
I had a constituency problem. Just ate less spicy foods.
“Any constituent in particular, Mr. Senator?”
“Uhh, no, not really. 23, kinda hot, really hot, wants to be a reporter, I think. I don’t know, who listens at that point?”
Colin:
He’s fucking a 23-year-old aspiring journalist. I love this when you think of House of Cards. But just Garry Shandling as a creepy senator. Let’s just appreciate the delivery of, “kinda hot, really hot…”
Weird how he says none in particular, but then gets very particular.
I do agree with him, though. Who listens?
“Doesn’t sound like much of a problem to me.”
Look at roided out Steve Carell guard back there.
The guy on the left also looks straight outta Foxcatcher.
Weird moment. Leading to what’s about to happen. Which is also weird.
“Hail Hydra.”
Colin:
They both know the other is HYRDA, right? Why would you say that? Just for the audience, of course. In this time of hidden microphones and everything, that seems like a pretty bad idea.
Totally for the audience. I’m willing to forgive that only if my next question gets answered. Which is — why the fuck is Shandling HYDRA? Who recruited him? I know they’re allegedly growing inside SHIELD, but who goes to a person like, “Okay, so there’s this organization we have that really wants to fuck up the world, and we want you in”? Makes no sense. Was he recruited out of college? Was it a Godfather scenario? They did him a favor and he owed them? It’s weird how they just got all these people who hate America and want to fuck it up, yet are working for America 90% of the time. Sure, HYDRA is growing and these people are joining, but how are you getting more of them?
The answer is Republicans, isn’t it?
By the way, I’d like to point out — as I was writing this up, I was texting with Colin. I told him how I was posing these questions, and just as I was typing my ultimate conclusion, about the Republicans, the two texts I got were:
“That’s not really any more puzzling than getting recruited into the GOP.”
And then immediately after I sent mine:
“Son of a bitch. Yup.”
This is called amateur hour level connect the dots.
Why do they have that much security? Do random senators always have that many bodyguards?
How’d you get that one to work out?
“Yes, sir?”
“Agent Sitwell, how was lunch? I hear the crab cakes here are delicious.”
Have you not been? Do they not let… actually, never mind.
“Who is this?”
Was that the only way he’d have answered the phone? Not sure why the Pierce thing was necessary other than to get them to go, “Okay, yeah, Pierce is in on it.” But even then, you don’t know he’s HYDRA, only we do, and this could be a regular business call because this is his fucking boss. You just know he was on the boat. Not sure why they need to kidnap him, why he’s being guarded, or why all of this is even happening. Maybe just… question the dude. There’s no reason for him to be watched by people at all times. He’s just a mid-level SHIELD agent.
“The good looking guy in the sunglasses, your ten o’clock.”
Colin:
“No, your other left!” Don’t know why, but I’ve always loved that delivery.
“What do you want?”
“You’re gonna go around the corner to your right.”
Are the bodyguards not gonna follow him over there?
“There’s a grey car, two spaces down. You and I are gonna take a ride.”
And you couldn’t go up to him in broad daylight because…?
Oh, is it because they don’t let… actually never mind.
“And why would I do that?”
“Because that tie looks really expensive.”
Colin:
This isn’t as fun as Faye Dunaway helping Redford because nobody tied anybody to a toilet and then fucked them later in this movie.
“And I’d hate to mess it up.”
Two things. First – stolen right from Three Days of the Condor. Second – it’s so much more badass if he doesn’t have to look down and just knows. Third, why couldn’t you just walk up to him? Do none of his guards see that?
Colin:
Yeah, you don’t look. You just know. You know how the game is played.
I hope that minivan is the car picking him up.
“Tell me about Zola’s algorithm.”
Colin:
More rooftop interrogations.
“Never heard of it.”
Overhead titties.
“What were you doing on the Lumerian Star?”
The correct answer is, “I just go where they tell me to go.” You have complete deniability here. Even if I’m implicit as shit in this situation, not only could I like, but I could convince others that I have no idea what’s going on.
“I was throwing up, I get seasick.”
Not the right tone. The proper tone is denial mixed with, “Are you seriously asking me that fucking question?” You have to look down on the question without being condescending. It has to seem ridiculous to you that are even being asked a question about such a mundane thing. Like if you were being held at gunpoint and were asked, “Was your cereal soggy this morning?” “What? I don’t fucking know, man. You pulled a gun for that?” There are proper ways to lie through your teeth.
“Is this little display meant to insinuate that you’re gonna throw me off the roof?”
Again. Wrong tone. You can dare them to do it, but not that way. Now you’re just asking to be thrown off.
“Because it’s really not your style, Rogers.”
“You’re right, it’s not.”
“It’s hers.”
Colin:
Good cop, bad cop, neutral cop, elf.
Colin:
NICE kick.
Colin:
This face.
“Oh, wait, what about that girl from accounting? Laura – Lisa –”
“Lillian. Lip piercing, right?”
Colin:
He hasn’t tied ANY of these people to toilets.
Here’s a question — why does he know the girl from accounting better than she does? They both around the office a lot? Is Lillian the one who cuts his checks? I bet he probably is around a lot. Having her explain the intricacies of direct deposit to him.
Does he get paid? I really wanna know what Captain America is worth to the United States government.
“Yeah, she’s cute.”
“Yeah, I’m not ready for that.”
Why? A lip piercing means she’s freaky? Is she one of those goths? I don’t get it.
And here’s where it gets ridiculous.
Colin:
They can’t kill people. The interrogation isn’t over.
So that happened.
This would have been Will Smith fifteen years ago.
Colin:
Robert Redford had other plans for Will Smith fifteen years ago.
Words cannot describe how much I love this comment.
“Zola’s algorithm, it’s a program for choosing Insight’s targets.”
Colin:
So it’s what we already knew the plot would be cause Fury already explained it and then HYDRA got added. So what would this information do to help? Of course the algorithm is to wipe out HYRDRA’s enemies.
Why did he give it up that easily? They threw him off a building and immediately brought him back up. Still not willing to kill him. Don’t tell them shit unless they’re willing to show that you are expendable to them. Cap really wasn’t even putting an effort into pretending like he was gonna beat him up.
“What targets?”
“You, the TV anchor in Cairo, the other Secretary of Defense, a high school valedictorian in Iowa City, Bruce Banner, Steven Strange, anyone who’s a threat. To HYDRA.”
I like how they snuck Strange in there.
Also, the other Secretary of Defense? Like, a bizarro one?
And weird how they didn’t include Stark. Because I guess he’s not a threat to HYDRA?
Colin:
Who the fuck is Strange? I should tell everyone — I give less than zero fucks about comic book characters. They’re dumb.
I only know about Strange because that’s a movie they’re making. Don’t know anything about him, but Benedict Cumberbatch is playing him, and they had hired Joaquin Phoenix for about three weeks last year, but very quickly realized he was much more interested in a good movie than they were, and they couldn’t handle the amount of things he was bringing to the part, so they dumped him and pretended like it was scheduling conflicts.
Just so you all know — unless someone literally has about four movies in development and is a part of multiple franchises… scheduling conflicts is the most bullshit excuse Hollywood has. Scheduling conflicts means someone wanted out.
“Now. Or in the future?”
“The future.”
“How could it know?”
“How could it not? The 21st Century is a digital book. Zola taught Hydra how to read it.”
Colin:
How could it not? Fuck you. That’s a dickish thing to say.
Also, so Zola had his mind uploaded to a computer in 1979, yet somehow as a computer came up with an algorithm. Okay.
Somehow everyone let that little detail slide. No one’s gonna call them out on that? That’s fucking preposterous. Why are people calling this such a good movie when your entire climax is predicated on a dude’s brain being uploaded to a computer and coming up with a formula?
“Bank records, medical histories, voting patterns, emails, phone calls, your damn SAT scores. Zola’s algorithm evaluates people’s past, to predict their future.”
This entire movie is predicated on a dude’s brain being uploaded to a computer and then coming up with a formula 30 years later.
“What then?”
Colin:
This whole movie after Cap goes on the run is exposition punctuated by action sequences. It’s actually like video game levels and cut scenes now.
This entire movie is predicated on a dude’s brain, uploaded to a computer, coming up with a formula.
“Oh my god, Pierce is gonna kill me.”
“What then?”
Then he’ll be dead. Oh, you meant…
“Then the Insight helicarriers scratch people off the list. A few million at a time.”
Why are you still talking? I don’t understand. You just realized you’re dead no matter what happens.
DRAMATIC SHIT!
What a surprise.
Colin:
Anybody wanna guess what kinda car they’re in?
A black one.
No, I meant… actually, never mind.
“Hydra doesn’t like leaks.”
“Why don’t you try sticking a cork in it?”
You’re doing a hell of a lot here for someone who has no involvement in this. How are you not surprised and/or shocked at what you just found out. You don’t even know SHIELD or HYDRA and you just found out millions of people are now targets to be killed. Maybe process that rather than be gung ho about shutting this guy up.
Also, wouldn’t the algorithm make him a target too? Isn’t that what it’s for? Projecting this kind of behavior before it happens? Just wondering, mostly.
“Insight’s launching in 16 hours, we’re cutting it a little bit close here.”
“I know, we’ll use him to bypass the DNA scans and access the helicarriers directly.”
Colin:
Can’t they just cut off a finger or something?
My question is — why 16 hours? Why such an arbitrary figure? It’s not like there’s a giant press release or a big unveiling ceremony. You’re just gonna do it. The fact that there’s a schedule and you’re sticking to it is ludicrous. Because if you’re doing all the buffering and calculations and shit, and that’s the first possible moment it’ll be ready to launch, that’s stupid. You have no way of knowing it’ll 100% work, even with the calculations. You have to run some kind of trial period in real life circumstances to make sure it’ll work. And if it is ready, why 16 hours? You know people are around that could compromise this. So launch it sooner. Never do the bad guys initiate their plans sooner just to throw off the good guys. You know who did that? The dude in Watchmen. All that work for them to get there, and then he’s like, “I did that shit four hours ago.” THAT’S a villain.
“Are you crazy? That is a terrible, terrible—”
Colin:
Now, why do you take that guy? When you’ve got surprise on your side, you use it to take out either Steve or Natasha. This asshole in the back seat can be killed by a nobody, or he gets incapacitated when you take out the driver. Make the case as to why they couldn’t get Steve or Natasha first. There is none. The fucking plot.
Seriously, though. He had no reason to know to kill this guy. His target is Captain America and no one else. It’s really weird how he’s not about to kill four people even though no one told him who they are or what they did.
Wow. Conveniently placed truck.
Was that another Penske?
Also, probably easier to get something to pass those DNA scans now.
Somebody get a mop.
Hey, remember when we got some pointless monologue about having dealt with this guy before that we didn’t listen to because all we really remember from that exchange was the bikini comment? Maybe if you developed that a bit more, this sequence could have emotional resonance. About facing her fears or whatever. And the action could have a character component to it.
What? Oh, but no, fuck me, this movie’s amazing, right, and can’t possibly have faults.
It’s a car. He shouldn’t be missing with these bullets.
Colin:
“Wow, that car – what was the brand, again? – has really great brakes!”
“Hi, Ma!”
Colin:
Not sure how he’s not decimated by that, but okay.
Colin:
He’s a cyborg, with that arm, which is really only making me think of Archer. Maybe I should pause this and watch Archer. With booze. Of course.
That’s the second random thing that puts holes in the ground for like, no reason.
No reason he should be wearing the mask right now. Other than for the reveal.
Pretty great how traffic keeps moving during all of this.
Also a shame that the world we live in is devoid of brightly colored cars.
What happened to those awesome 50s color cars?
Colin:
Guess what? You weren’t holding that gun tightly enough. I don’t hold guns, but when I do, I hold the shit out of them.
So, do we know how he got on top of their car in the first place? Or are we just rolling with it? Because that’s also pretty ridiculous that he went from randomly on the side of this highway at the right time, knowing what car they’re in to right on top of the car.
Colin:
So there’s a shot where you’re like, “….da fuq?”
It’s not the Hummer. Don’t tell me it’s the Hummer. Because they slammed into them well after he got on top of this thing.
Colin:
So…this is a SERIOUSLY high level of nerdiness, but…the silver car in the right lane ahead of them is the same Chevy Volt that’s in the far left lane farther ahead of them as Bucky jumps. Go back three pictures in this article and you’ll see. I’m the dork who looks for inaccuracy in car scenes. It consistently amazes me just how indistinguishable and interchangeable these two-ton pieces of metal are to most people. They move a distinctive car like that from the right lane to the left and expect us not to notice. And most of us don’t.
Oh, was that guy not near his exit?
Faces.
I love that he just ripped the fucking steering wheel out. That’s awesome.
Faces.
He tally hos too!
Colin:
It’s pretty obvious that the benchmark here is Matrix Reloaded, with this dude jumping between cars and stuff flipping. It’s very different, though. Lots of low shots, not too much of the high angle stuff that the Wachowskis used.
Colin:
So, at this point, Hummer is like SUPER not a thing anymore.
Faces.
Colin:
Ready? There’s a Chevy Impala flipping as a Chevy Transverse follows. That’s the silver one.
Faces.
Colin:
Chevrolet: Don’t Expect Doors to Stay on During Collisions
Colin:
Thankfully, we had a shot that allowed for a Chevy badge flash.
Colin:
Not the first time he’s been flung from wreckage holding a car door.
Colin:
This, by the way, is why cyclists shave their legs. It’s not to be more aerodynamic. That would really be dickish. They shave so that when they hit pavement, they don’t get their leg or arm hair caught in the asphalt. It gets stuck in there like Velcro and rips your skin off. But Mackie’s fine, apparently because he knows how to roll.
Colin:
Ew, what a shitty Ford Freestar minivan.
Colin:
This is why we have people. I need a new grenade launcher guy. And all the conversations that go with having a grenade launcher guy. “Uh, Todd? Did I not say incendiary? Because I distinctly recall saying incendiary. ‘Light the bastards up,’ remember? And what was that? Yeah, frag. And how do we like our enemies – say it with me: roasted, not perforated.”
I wonder who those guys are, too. Not STRIKE, but somehow working for HYDRA enough to be able to be around this guy without fear of being killed. Are they Russian? Who are they? They never show up again, really.
Titty.
Colin:
Holy shit. The speed at which he just got launched…I’m pretty sure you’re done forever. Or at least throwing up. Cause he hit a Ford Taurus, and that’s a Ford (not a Chevy).
Colin:
FUCK. Through a bus on the street below? Why is this guy so calm? There are explosions happening!
Colin:
THEN THEY PUT THE BUS IN AN ACCIDENT WITH A TRUCK?! This is a Rube Goldberg machine of day-fucking. Was Cutthroat Bitch on that bus?
Colin:
At least now there’s a Mustang on the other side.
Colin:
Titties?
And faces. She’s the only one that really makes faces in this franchise.
Colin:
Oh, Sam, don’t get behind that car. That’s a Ford Taurus. Fords don’t hold up in these situations the way Chevy pays to have their vehicles hold up in these situations.
Colin:
In this situation, if I’ve got the grenade launcher, I’m through a full clip by now. That’s how I roll.
Pew pew! Pew pew!
Is basically the equivalent of what’s happening right now.
Colin:
There’s that Mustang. That’s what I’m looking for.
That’s incineration.
Colin:
Hey, that Mitsubishi (the silver one) is the same Lancer that was in Nick Fury’s cop chase. This is what happens when you use the same car extras in a movie I’m watching closely.
That driver’s dead.
Colin:
Bye, BMW.
Sure you did.
Colin:
Nice how her arc just worked out, huh?
Do they sell those masks for winter? Is that why he’s called the Winter Soldier?
But seriously, this seems optimal for being out in the snow.
Colin:
He has a regular gun guy too? How do you shop for this dude?
Faces.
So is he not shooting at the pedestrians? And are they not warning her that this is happening?
Colin:
She saw the shadow. Good on her, cause I fucking wouldn’t have. But I also wouldn’t be running. My back’s to something and I’m pulling the trigger at everything that moves.
Colin:
I like that she uses two. People who use two know what they’re about.
Colin:
His dumb goggles are bulletproof?
I like how they expect us to somehow know this is Bucky, even though we barely knew him in the movie and have no real connection to him.
Shoot the extinguisher.
Electrocution hazard. But sure, just hang out there .
Colin:
That Pontiac isn’t faring very well. Pontiac hasn’t been a company since 2009, by the way.
Colin:
Just in case you were looking for the Southwest Airlines product placement in THIS movie after seeing it in almost all the other movies. The black sedan in the bottom left of the shot is also a Cadillac for that GM connection. It’s a CTS-V, which is the 2010 version of the car that they were driving during the Matrix: Reloaded sequence. Notice that in this shot, it’s not quite over the double yellow lines. In a few seconds, it’s going to be way over those lines. Turns out I notice shit.
Colin:
Hey, shut up. I’m a car guy. I notice these things. I know it’s nerdy. Fuck you.
Who is your target? Why are you shooting her? You can’t assume Cap is for sure dead.
TALLY HO VALENTINE’S DAY
“I have her. Find him.”
He says, in Russian.
Because why not?
I mean, the red star gave it away, but still. What the fuck?
Apparently brainwashing can also be legitimately educational.
This is almost a John Wayne walk.
On the hood of a car.
As he’s about to kill a superhero.
Welcome to 2015.
I also like the Pedestrian Crossing sign mirroring what he’s doing right now. Nice touch.
You guys brought those with you?
That bus had a Sudoku book?
Colin:
Why does someone always have to be helping someone out of a wrecked bus? This happened in The Avengers.
Colin:
You ain’t James Bond ninja allies.
Band name.
Still not as good as Christopher Walken’s Nefarious Blimp.
I think that may be the greatest four word pairing in the history of words.
This is what white people think parts of D.C. look like anyway.
James Cameron with a Gatling Gun.
Is basically what this looks like.
Colin:
My man’s got a fucking minigun. That’s the way to be! And also — James Cameron. 100 percent.
That entire bus is destroyed — but the advertisements are still there!
You guys remember The Matrix?
Yeah, that was a much better movie.
They had a lot of Chevys in those movies too.
Colin:
And the Cadillacs. Mostly Cadillacs.
HE RUNS THROUGH EVERYTHING TOO.
I wish I could run through my problems.
I also wish I could tally ho off of my problems.
Mackie go’n shiv a motherfucker!
Colin LOVES these shots.
Colin:
Sam knows how to shiv a dude. What you know about some Calcutta, Sam?
Really? Nothing? Not a single shank? I am disappointed.
Colin:
Remember earlier, when I said the Cadillac was going to be WAY over those yellow lines? Yeah. Almost completely so. But just wait.
Colin:
None of these guys know to go for the legs. 3000 rounds per minute and he can’t just go for the legs.
HOW DO YOU MISS FROM THERE?!!!
Not dead.
Colin:
NOW IT’S JUST BARELY OVER THE LINES! See? It was completely on the other side of the lines, then completely on this side of the lines, and now it’s over by a few feet. Explain to me who’s moving this Cadillac. I know nobody else cares.
Really thought you were going a different way with that.
Colin:
“Who keeps moving that Cadillac?”
“Go. I got this.”
Sure you do.
Colin:
“Fuck you, we’ll move it if we want to!”
Cars explode really easily.
I like the little uzi hanging on his back.
Colin:
Seems like Bucky got some serious upgrades. He was never a boss. That’s kinda why I don’t get this. I’m like, how did they make Bucky such a badass? And why is he young? And how did he survive that fall he clearly didn’t survive?
The Plot.
They don’t even care about an answer, and that annoys me. Because instead of even thinking about an answer, we got that CGI jet sequence.
Weird how he assumes her talking behind the van is her.
Colin:
Now that minivan, that’s a Dodge. But the blue thing? Chevy Camaro.
Colin:
What’s with the Christmas ornament?
Gotta celebrate tally hos somehow.
Colin:
There’s a Blazer there, but how did that silver Chevy Malibu get here all of a sudden? Are there just two silver 2013 Chevy Malibus in this scene and the Nick Fury chase? If you consider that some people see vehicles the way movie people see actors, this is fucking ridiculous.
Colin:
Oh, she bad. She’s probably a better match, honestly. The more devious killer who can trick her opponent and use some subterfuge and shit.
Couldn’t you have seen that her frame wasn’t hiding behind the car before you walked over there?
She’s trying to get in the tally ho game too.
Why not just run? Are you sure you’re the target? Is he gonna follow her all the way away from this place? Because maybe then that’s the way to go.
She’s pretty big on straddling too.
What was that attached to that it held on throughout all that?
Colin:
She just has this random shit on her? Keep in mind that this is all stuff that she had when she saw Steve at the hospital. So wherever she goes, she has a little electric zapper thing for in case a bad guy has a metal limb.
There’s an image.
Colin:
Hey, she got popped, huh? Too bad they can’t kill her and wouldn’t if they could. I might have been worried. But nah. Until they have more female characters, they ain’t killing this one.
There’s an “oh my god i just got shot” face.
Colin:
Oh, okay. I was worried at that last screenshot, when we saw a Mercury badge and a Mercedes badge. But she’s taking shelter behind a Chevy Volt, with the nameplate in full view. Just in case you weren’t sure how subliminal and also NOT AT ALL subliminal this advertising is.
Naturally.
Colin:
He’s hesitating, which is for the plot. I know when to kill my problems. Steve Rogers isn’t sprinting that far that fast. Not so fast you can’t pull the trigger.
There’s a nerd shot.
Colin:
They’re really getting their money’s worth with that shield.
Colin:
For a guy who was frozen in 1945, his teeth are great.
Colin:
This is a little too much Hyundai for my liking.
The future.
KICK THAT SHIT!
Colin:
Damn good choreography. He just threw the knife up and caught it backhand. That’s some shit right there. This is great.
THAT’s a shot.
Yeah, this is good and all, but I’ve got nothing to say about it.
Colin:
This is rough and brutal. Good for them. I mean, it’s insane, but I’m more into this fight than I’ve been into most Marvel fights. Like, when was there a fight this good in The Avengers. There wasn’t.
Where’s Natasha right now?
German suplex!
Colin:
He gonna pop the arm off with the shield? I don’t get what that arm is all about.
I think it’s to show that they’re the same material, maybe.
SHIELD WHIP.
Colin:
Oh, the mask is off and we’re going to have our non-reveal.
“Bucky?”
“Who the hell is Bucky?”
Colin:
That was somehow not at all the answer I was expecting. I guess I thought it’d be more, “Die, pig” or something like that. He was actually like, “Hey buddy, I can’t help you. The fuck you talking about?”
“Well I guess I shoot him now, since he’s not gonna do anything.”
And here’s where things get unnecessary.
For someone so brainwashed, he sure does come out of it pretty quickly.
Colin:
Wow. Impressive screenshot, there.
Colin:
This sequence has had a pleasant number of grenade launchers.
Colin:
In case anyone was wondering, this silver SUV is actually a Chrysler Concorde.
You guys showed up at the right time.
Well, they got you.
Colin:
Oh, right. We’re getting into the fourth part of five in terms of length, which means there needs to be a capture. They still stick to the formula, even if this is better executed than most.
Oh, so NOW there’s a news chopper.
“Put the gun down. Not here.”
Colin:
Wait, they were going to execute him? If so, why did they surround him and subdue him first? Would you not just initiate a firefight and after successfully out-gunning these three explain that you were only responding to the situation?
Are they gonna take his wings? Because then he’s not a superhero anymore.
Mackie also looks really calm throughout this. Has he been arrested before? Is it because… actually, never mind.
“It was him. He looked right at me. Like he didn’t even know me.”
“How is that even possible? It was like 70 years ago.”
That’s probably why it’s like he didn’t know him. Oh, you meant…
“Zola. Bucky’s old unit was captured in ’43. Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall. They must have found him.”
Colin:
That’s the explanation? That Zola’s experiments helped him survive the fall and made him a super boss?
And yet somehow this wasn’t apparent during all the missions they did between the escape and the fall.
“None of that’s your fault, Steve.”
The fall kind of is.
“Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky.”
Well that’s a small sample size.
“We need to get a doctor here. We don’t put pressure on that wound, she’s gonna bleed out here in the truck.”
Colin:
She actually may bleed out.
Why’d you rush to do that? Is it because… actually, never mind.
Colin:
There’s always an insider. Did they?
“That thing was squeezing my brain.”
Colin:
Yup. She’s in the credits and all the promos, making a big splash with everyone else. They needed to warrant all that, I guess.
“Who’s this guy?”
Was that racist? I wanna feel like that was racist.
Colin:
Nice joke. So funny I forgot to laugh. Remember a second ago when Scarlett was bleeding out?
Colin:
I need a tunnel to an underground garage. You just got make sure it’s well ventilated. And here’s your reminder in case you’ve forgotten to keep an eye on what everyone’s driving. This isn’t as bad as Live and Let Die, but it’s close.
“Three holes, start digging.”
Did the choppers not follow them over here?
Colin:
Everyone has one of those cutting tools, huh? I mean, that’s like…lightsaber quality, considering the speed that Samuel cut through the car and the floor.
And yet no one in the other van but that one guy. (Well, two, but… you know.) No cameras, no radio contact. Weird how they just assumed those three would just get away.
I like this place.
“GSW, she’s lost at least a pint.”
Colin:
Bunkers are the shit. Get me a bunker and we’ll go from there on what I’ll do to earn it.
“Let me take her.”
You look like Jason Segal playing John Turturro.
“She’ll wanna see him first.”
The great and powerful Oz?
Colin:
NO WAY NICK FURY WAS ALIVE?! Marvel, you are just full of surprises. It’s like, most of the time when people die, they’re dead. But JUST this time, it was different! Wow. Mind blown.
We don’t need this. I’ll explain later why, but we don’t.
“About damn time.”
“Lacerated spinal column, cracked sternum, shattered collarbone–”
“Perforated liver, one hell of a headache.”
“Don’t forget your collapsed lung.”
“Let’s not forget that.”
“Otherwise, I’m good.”
How’d you get all of that?
“They cut you open. Your heart stopped.”
Apparently it was some drug or whatever. Banner developed it for stress.
Isn’t it convenient that we get to be like, “Hey, that person you know for other movies developed some shit that conveniently gets us out of explaining how we completely ignored logic”?
“Didn’t work so great for him, but we found a use for it.”
“Why all the secrecy? Why not just tell us?”
“Any attempt on the director’s life had to look successful.”
Colin:
So…Die Another Day, just not through meditation.
Wait, so… he knew this shit was going down all along, and had a contingency plan in the event that they tried to kill him. Okay, sure. But why go to Pierce and be like, “I think there’s some weird shit happening and I wanna check it out”? To get them to try to kill you?
“They can’t kill you if you’re already dead.”
Colin:
This is why I have a memorial bench with my name on it in my hometown. Nobody’s tried to kill me since that got put in.
So far.
“Besides, I wasn’t sure who to trust.”
Really? Not the people who fought aliens?
Colin:
Let’s make the redhead feel bad about being the masterful spy you hired and trained her to be.
Colin:
Lots of wet roads at night, even though it was a sunny day. For the record, we saw the rain during Three Days of the Condor and All the President’s Men.
Colin:
These random commando dudes just happen to double as experts in bionic mechanics. As you are.
I like that all this happens in a room full of safety deposit boxes.
How you gonna have a Captain America with a bionic arm?
A HA HA HA look at this fucking guy.
What happened to his arm?
Colin:
You really never want to be the scientist who’s on hand when a “creation” wakes up.
Unless it has nice titties.
Colin:
That’s the face of a proud dad.
And so they just freeze him, because why not?
“Sir, he’s unstable.”
Robert Redford don’t give a fuck.
“Mission report.”
Colin:
Nah, this ain’t Bourne at all.
“Mission report now.”
Colin:
I’ll take a backhand. I mean, I won’t take it myself, I’ll accept that he does it to someone el—you get it.
“The man on the bridge. Who was he?”
“You met him earlier this week on another assignment.”
Does he not remember that?
“I knew him.”
“Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century.”
That’s an evasion. Also, do you really still have a personality at this point?
“I need you to do it one more time. Society’s at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning, we’re gonna give it a push. But, you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine.”
Colin:
I feel like Robert Redford is this bizarre paradox who never ages, but also looks 85.
Colin:
I’m confused. Cause Zola was captured on that train, yeah? And then he was brought to the SSR bunker where Tommy Lee Jones ate steak, yeah? And then held until he was recruited to join SHIELD, yeah? So how was it exactly that Zola was there for Bucky to be found after falling off the train? Am I getting my sequencing wrong? Is this not Marvel just spitting on the timeline and saying, “Fuck you, this guy was built by this guy cause we said so, even though that makes no sense?”
I’m prefacing this all with the word allegedly, because I don’t believe it either. Allegedly what happened is that he fell, survived because of the first batch of experiments, which were never finished because they attacked that base, and then Russians found him, and at some later, undisclosed point, they just turned him over to HYDRA for whatever reason. This is after Zola was released by the Americans. They assumed he was working for them, and then went of and did his own experiments again. My big question is why he was turned over to HYDRA. There’s no way they bargained or threatened to get him back. So I don’t get why they’d just give him over to them.
“And Hydra can’t give the world the freedom it deserves.”
Colin:
They’re telling him that HYDRA is trying to bring freedom to the world? I don’t even get that. I thought he was brainwashed. Can’t you tell him whatever? Can’t you tell him that he’s fighting for everyone’s right to dry hump statues? I thought that’s how brainwashing worked.
“But I knew him.”
“Prep him.”
“He’s been out of cryo freeze too long.”
“Then wipe him. And start over.”
Colin:
So he’s been frozen, because we’ve figured out cryogenic freezing. Which, no we haven’t. Cryonics is still really dicey, irreversible and super creepy.
