Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Part V — “This Is Why I Never Work for Places That Kill People”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

We begin Part V with the action.

I can’t get into something that looks as fake as this.

Colin:

Someone was employed to make all of this. All of it.

Still not understanding the countdown.

Colin:

All these schmucks. This is why I never work for places that kill people. And why I write for Mike’s blog. Because the worst thing I could unknowingly be lending my efforts to would be like, “You’ve been making all those dick jokes at the expense of innocent people!” You think I worry about dick joke collateral damage? Some things just need to be said. Or they don’t, but I’d rather not not say them.

This Is Why I Never Work for Places That Kill People

Oh, look, the entire security council is here. That can’t be bad at all.

“How was your flight?”

There’s no way these people fly commercial. So this is a dumb question.

“Lovely. The ride from the airport, less so.”

Because you got kidnapped and replaced?

“Sadly, SHIELD can’t control everything.”

This will be funny later.

“Including Captain America.”

Colin:

Reunion! Is he gonna sleep with Jenny? Or has he already?

She might actually be tied to a toilet right now.

Faces.

Colin:

Look at Lau here. I know the squealers when I see them…

Love the guy with the automatic weapon just walking with them.

Those will give them “unrestricted access.”

And I bet it makes them targets, too.

Colin:

Why do I feel like those are actually bomb pins or something? I’m thinking The World is Not Enough, when Sir Robert King blew up.

Seriously, why would you automatically wear those? I’d flat out say no. Give me a fucking card. Technology is past pins in these movies.

At this point, I’d rather them not have images than have ones that look as fake as this.

Uh oh, they’re chatting. They’re gonna go down.

“Must be the dish.”

“I’ll check it out.”

Colin:

These guys don’t seem bad. Is he going to call one of them ‘son?’

Isn’t that guy on some TV show?

It’s Community, isn’t it? I’ve never watched, but I know these directors made their name off of some of those episodes.

I love that they have normal people light switches in this place.

Ddi you guys hide in a closet for just this situation? How’d you get in without being seen? Especially since there’s a manhunt on for all of you.

Colin:

Your name is Moore. That’s all I got, folks. Do with that as you will.

“Excuse us.”

Do they neutralize him or just leave him alone?

Do they not have friends inside this place?

Couldn’t they just call a friendly and call in a favor? Isn’t that usually how this is done? At least that way, I’m not sitting here, going, “How the fuck did they get inside this place?”

“I know the road hasn’t exactly been smooth. And some of you would have gladly kicked me out of the car along the way.”

Colin:

Based on the shots we saw before, it took them 56 seconds to get from the lobby to here. 40 floors above Nick Fury’s office, which is also probably a way up.

Does the council not question why Fury is dead?

“Finally, we’re here. And the world should be grateful.”

Colin:

That’s what being really rich really is. Sipping champagne in a wide-open room at the top of a building with your rich friends. And notice how there are no black council members? Yeah. Just the brown guy who probably has oil money, right Marvel? Typical.

The black guy who helped get them there got killed two days ago. That sounds like how white people would handle this.

“Attention all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers.”

Colin:

Oh, good. I hope he’s going to tell us what aircraft from here and around the world are going to be doing in less than an hour.

Just gonna point out — not that we necessarily care about lack of continuity — those are not Scarlett Johansson’s legs.

“You’ve heard a lot about me over the last few days.”

And over the last few months.

And over history.

You have a fucking museum section named after you.

“Some of you were even ordered to hunt me down.”

Colin:

We cut to her like she’s had some actual development in this movie. Why is she a character?

It’s bizarre how they handle her given who she is within the universe and what her name is. Why are you saving that? Especially since this is is the person who KILLS HIM in the comics. You know, in the arc IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE ONE THEY’RE USING IN THE NEXT MOVIE. Maybe get that going sooner.

Colin:

That they even attempt to “handle” her is strange to me. Cause she’s really not a character in this movie, and they act as though she is.

“But I think it’s time you knew the truth. SHIELD is not what you thought it was.”

I’m glad the fascist symbol was cut to during this line.

“It’s been taken over by HYDRA.”

A name they all just know.

Colin:

Yeah, what do textbooks look like in this universe?

Probably very differently if the rest of this movie doesn’t go the way that it does.

Mean looks.

“Alexander Pierce is their leader.”

Is he? Who said that?

What kind of assumption is that? He’s working for them, sure, but don’t assume he’s the head of the snake. Haven’t you learned anything from Qui Gon?

Colin:

They’re all like, “Motherfucker!” Because they’d totally have gone with his rich guy oligarchy scheme if he’d asked – they’re just pissed he didn’t offer them a spot. “We millionaires! Killin’ ain’t fair, but somebody gotta do it.”

“The STRIKE and Insight crew are HYDRA as well.”

Weird how he has no basis for this being 100% true and is just announcing it. They should cut to a guy who is part of the crew who looks up like, “Wait, what?”

“I don’t know how many more. But I know they’re in the building. They could be standing right next to you.”

Colin:

This is the Three Days of the Condor shit that we’ve been trying to get to for more than 90 minutes now. Everyone in the organization, looking at one another and wondering who they can trust.

I know you had to do it for universe purposes, but I ask you — take this exact scene, this exact moment — and set it during a natural Captain America progression, and set it in the 1950s. During the Red Scare. How much better is it?

It’s the modern nature of the plot and all the technology that kills this for me. I want this to be HYDRA being a metaphor for communism in the 50s.

Colin:

I want everything to be a metaphor for communism in the 50s.

WHAT IF HYDRA WAS BUG PEOPLE

“They almost have what they want.”

Colin:

“this guy thinks he can speech lol [turban emoji]”

“Absolute control.”

Or the mass killing of their enemies.

“They shot Nick Fury. And it won’t end there. If you launch those helicarriers today, HYDRA will be able to kill anyone that stands in their way.”

Colin:

Notice how he says “shot” even though everyone thinks he’s dead and is supposed to STILL think he’s dead. Why would you say “shot” when you mean “killed?” You wouldn’t.

They really don’t know how to handle reveals.

At least if he says “got” then you can count that for both.

“Unless we stop them.”

You can tell they’re evil because of their faces.

“I know I’m asking a lot.”

Colin:

Why are the two guards black? And the rest of them are white? OH no.

Operation Human SHIELD?

Colin:

There are too many points on that badge. I like a sparsely-pointed badge.

Colin:

Oh, never mind, there was one black guy in that group of ten, so it’s not racist.

How did one guy get the drop on both of them? Why did none of the rest of this crew pull weapons?

“But the price of freedom is high. And always has been.”

Colin:

Good thing they’re dropping the sound out over this. I’ll take it.

“And it’s a price I’m willing to pay. If I’m the only one, then so be it. But I’m willing to be I’m not.”

Colin:

That’s the second time you’ve said what you’re ‘willing’ to do in three sentences. Stop being such a martyr and tell everyone to cap the HYDRA dudes. Though, nobody knows who’s who, which makes this a fantastically great opportunity. I don’t think they use it. We’ll see if everyone figures out who’s HYRDRA and who isn’t too quickly.

Seriously, though. Missed opportunity. Not knowing who the good guys or bad guys are. That’s what makes it tough for me to rate this movie. Because as a product, yeah, it’s one of the best Marvel movies. But when you look at it, you see how many times they missed chances to make it better.

“Did you write that down first? Or was it off the top of your head?”

Colin:

What? It wasn’t THAT amazing. You don’t have to hop on his dick for eloquence too.

He can say exactly what he says. Only slower. And more ethnic.

Colin:

These guys don’t look menacing at all. It’s one thing for them to be working for HYRDA, but you’d expect it to still be under the pretense that they believe they were doing what’s right. This makes them look like they’re doing it just to be assholes.

I like how they peppered in female soldiers for this.

“Arrest him.”

Colin:

A HA HA. He told them to arrest Redford, and that was when Marvel said, “You’re cute, but this is America, brown guy.” You thought you could tell them to arrest Robert Redford with THAT accent?

“I guess I’ve got the floor.”

MR. SMITH 2: FILI-BUSTED

Is he the Neville Longbottom? The one that does something heroic that helps our heroes win, ultimately?

Colin:

Please tell me they didn’t cast that guy with that hair to make him a pussy. Like, he makes that face, and we see the poofy Jew-fro, and Marvel wants us to see a pussy, don’t they? Take a look back at literally everyone else in this movie and tell me that’s not what’s happening right now.

Colin:

She glances over, still not a character in this movie.

“Preempt the launch sequence. Send those ships up now.”

WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS HOURS AGO?

Colin:

He’s wetting himself. I’ve found that in scary situations, I’m not instinctively brave, I’m just compelled to be a wiseass. Being straight up brave is boring, anyway.

How do the HYDRA people know who is SHIELD and who is HYDRA? Are there special pins, like with Shandling?

“Is there a problem?”

The veins in your neck?

“I’m not gonna launch those ships.”

Colin:

Good for you, probably Jewish guy. Man, Hollywood lays it on thick, huh?

“Move away from your station.”

Just shoot him. Why keep him alive?

Colin:

I’m not convinced that guns actually make those sounds when you just raise them.

“Like he said.”

Why do you have a sight on that gun?

Oh, this’ll be good.

Colin:

Looks like we have a Mexican standoff. Which, as standoffs go – large, poor and badly governed.

And maybe a beheading!

(Still in the country, by the way.)

(Don’t worry, Colin knows what I’m talking about.)

Colin:

Holy shit. Tell that story. Tell them all how we’re even more horrible than they thought.

I thought we did tell it. But fuck it, it’s not like there’s a movie going on right now.

Must have been… my senior year of college, maybe junior year. There was that news that came out about Marisol Valles Garcia, who was the 20 year old single mother who took a couple of sociology classes and decided to take over as sheriff for this Mexican town that was hugely cartel run. The previous sheriff, by the way, had been beheaded. So here’s this young woman taking over as sheriff of this town, clearly just waiting to be killed.And we are fascinated by that. The best was this news story they did with her, and they showed you her police station, which had like, one deputy, two guns, a pair of handcuff, and like, one and half cop cars. And there was one shot in the news story that made me laugh so hard, because the camera pans past her door, and in the door there’s just a giant fucking bullet hole. Which means someone was driving past and literally shot at the police station.

We had google alerts set up for this woman and would randomly search every couple of days, just waiting to hear that she had been abducted and brutally murdered, because it was just so amusing to us. Because seriously — this is a town where you’re not gonna win it over with law and order. The previous sheriff got beheaded! And here’s this college student who’s like, “I’m not afraid of these people. Fuck them.” Yeah, okay… let’s see how that one ends.

So we’re just waiting for this chick to die. And of course eventually she fled the country and used that whole sheriff thing as a reason to get asylum in the country. (Which was a smart play.) But man, that was a fun year, where we’re just waiting for her to be offed for our own amusement.

Those were also the days where, every two months or so, Colin and I would have (not dissimilar to Malekith’s AIDS radar), a DMX sense, where we’d just think, “I feel like DMX got arrested today,” and then we’d check the news, and sure enough — well, you guys can enjoy the results.

But yeah, Colin and I spent a good year excitedly waiting for someone to get beheaded.

“Captain’s orders.”

Oh, and I bet you love taking orders from the Captain.

Colin:

This is when someone’s supposed to come back from the toilet with a half-eaten Hot Pocket.

“This isn’t where I parked my car.”

“You picked the wrong side, agent.”

Why have you not shot him yet?

You really should just shoot him. That would have fucked everyone up.

“Depends on where you’re standing.”

No. Depends on how this turns out. But sure.

Oh look, she won.

NOPE.

Colin:

13 just got AIDS.

Colin:

“AH!” Still not a character in this movie.

My feeling about this is actually a positive one. I feel like the directors were so good in telling the story they wanted to tell that characters like 13 and Mackie actually do feel unnecessarily shoehorned into the plot because it’s fucking Marvel forcing their universe in what is otherwise a rather contained story. So the fact that her stuff stands out as having no business here only really points to what is otherwise a solid construction from the filmmakers bogged down by Marvel’s universe bullshit.

Nice catch.

Nice hair, Lon Chaney.

Colin:

Kick the Jew to the side so that helicarriers can be launched. Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

What, so you know how to preempt the launch? I highly doubt that.

Neville.

Colin:

Hey guy, have fewer veins.

Colin:

Just went back to make sure that I had mentioned AIDS. And it’s cool, I did.

So, just override it back. Or cancel it.

This is stupid. He starts a firefight, preempts the launch and peaces. I’m okay with the peacing in theory. Start some shit and sneak out, scot-free. Cool. But the fact that the only purpose of that was to have the military guy somehow know how to preempt a launch sequence and do it is ridiculous. Plus the fact that it only required one person to do is also crazy.

Aww yeah, this some GoldenEye shit.

Colin:

YEAH. That’s likely. This is more ridiculous than fucking GoldenEye.

Nah, D.C. just has this shit.

Just a piece of advice — Washington D.C. should not look like fucking Coruscant.

He’s actually telling them to shut it down, not giving himself up to the police.

Colin:

Good yelling voice on this guy. Too bad he’s about to get capped.

Oh, that’s a shame.

Did it rain here? What’s with the water? Is that supposed to make it look more realistic? Because like I said, this looks like Revenge of the Sith.

Do not care.

Really do not care.

Thanks, Stark!

Colin:

Isn’t it strange that Tony built those repulsor engines for SHIELD even after seeing that they were up to some shit, and even after they used their carrier to try to nuke New York, which is why he now has PTSD?

And somehow this isn’t also part of his whole, “Oh man I fucked up” complex that he has in the next movie.

You abbreviated the word surveillance?

“They’re initiating launch.”

Thank you, Trixie.

This really looks just as cartoonish as Revenge of the Sith did.

Colin:

So everyone’s bad on these carriers, basically. Mm kay. No idea how any of that works, but we’re more than two months into the Marvel franchise at this point. Do I sound like I have it in me?

Where was this shot from? The deck of the helicarrier? Or a side garage? Because I like this location and camera angle.

“Hey Cap, how do we know the good guys from the bad guys?”

“If they’re shooting at you, they’re bad.”

Well that was lazy writing. And a dumb question. More so the former.

Colin:

Bad guys do shoot at you, yes. Not super helpful.

How come he had to make that speech? Just to get good people killed? Because wouldn’t it have been easier to sneak directly onto the helicarriers? I feel like Hill and Natasha could have been fine hiding in there as agents. Nobody was after Hill.

Ugh.

Colin:

Don’t include this character. Thanks.

They’ll never learn.

I love that he tally hos off of everything.

Colin:

This movie is a veritable cornucopia of tally hos.

I love that he just jumped down about forty feet, then did a barrel roll, then got up and started sprinting all in one motion.

Colin:

He just destroyed that guy’s windpipe with the shield. That’s actually one of the most painful things I’ve seen during all these movies. That’s awful.

Colin:

Bet he wishes he had a grenade launcher guy right now.

Colin:

I don’t really understand how that suit works. Who made that? Is it Stark? Cause if not, is it Hammer? Does it take gas? Does it have weapons? Not sure what his job is other than to draw fire.

Colin:

Why does nobody call it “ak-ak” anymore? What a great way to refer to something that used to be way more prevalent than it is today.

No Romanoff at all. Which means she’s doing something that’ll reveal itself at just the right time.

Colin:

Back to the rich people who are still drinking champagne in a wide-open room.

“Let me ask you a question. What if Pakiston marched into Mumbai tomorrow?”

Colin:

Is he from Mumbai? Is that what you’re saying? I’m also not going to fix Mike’s Pakistan typo because it made me think of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. “Chill, Paki-ston!”

That’s the result of me typing these notes quickly as I watch (since I do screenshots and synopsis at the same time, and very rarely do I stop to edit what I said, just to keep the brain juices flowing and not have to take all week to finish one movie). I’d have caught it and fixed it, but now, let’s keep it and pretend it was meant to be that way.

“And you knew that they were gonna drag your daughters into a soccer stadium? For execution?”

Colin:

Better than dragging them in for a soccer game, am I right? WOO! USA! USA! USA!

Drink?

Colin:

Is that rhetorical?

“And you could just stop it, with the flick of a switch? Would you?”

Like, by turning out all the lights in the stadium?

Or like, by shooting himself in the head?

“Would you all?”

“Not if it was your switch.”

Colin:

WHOA. Buddy. You can be as defiant as you wish, but that’s disrespectful to good champagne. Here’s how you do it: DOWN the champagne in one swig, and then tell him to fuck himself.

You can tell purely by Agutter’s stance that some shit is about to go down.

Colin:

Faces.

Colin:

WAIT! I just realized that this is the Indian guy from Matrix Revolutions! It’s the tiny Indian girl’s father! YES!

Talk about some karma.

I hope he turns into Hugo Weaving.

Damn, Agutter with the legs!

Colin:

Wait. What?

Colin:

Face/Punch.

Not that we don’t know who this is, that just gave it away.

Spit.

Colin:

What the fuck?

That’s clearly Scarlett Johansson, in-story, but how about Jenny Agutter kicking some ass without a stunt double for most of this?

In heels.

Indian guy’s face is priceless.

Colin:

What in the fuck?

So what is that thing? That’s something? You can do that? What the fuck is happening right now? You can’t just have shit and expect is to go, “… technology,” and accept it.

“I’m sorry.”

Colin:

Oh. Right. Of course. She hasn’t been around. So of course she had to be around. My mistake for not paying attention. But still, where’s Jenny? And why did Scarlett not make that suit look hotter? And how about how her lips went from yay big to like BAM?

“Did I step on your moment?”

What a shitty line.

Did you steal her watch too? Is she gonna get that back?

Robert Redford’s face looks like a crumpled piece of paper after you try to put it back to its original size.

Those planes look like little boils on top of those helicarriers.

Anyway, back to the movie.

Colin:

This Falcon suit is way over the top. I’m not into it and I don’t get it.

It’s also one of the biggest CGI parts of this movie. No Falcon, and I’d have been happier. Maybe if he was just a regular guy, or even a guy who could pilot these hover things.

Or if his super power wasn’t just having a pair of fucking mechanical wings.

How are they not shooting him in the face right now? You can only pilot so well.

Over the capital, by the way.

There’s no way they all miss like that.

Red was not a good color choice for this close up.

Just grab onto his leg and hold, and he’s done.

Shoot the wings.

Also, doesn’t that plane look like a cartoon frog face?

“All right, Cap, I’m in.”

What? No you’re not. That’s fucking preposterous.

Colin:

You’re on. It’s on. You’re on it. I don’t know. Lines.

So Bucky’s just chilling on one of these ships, waiting for the boss battle. And it’s conveniently gonna be the exact one Cap is on, too. Great how that worked out.

Colin:

You can’t really question these things anymore. At least Star Wars gave us presence sensing and stuff.

I still can’t believe this is happening. He’s not a fucking superhero.

Way to help yourself, guy. Just shoot up your own planes.

See? You’re not in.

Okay.

Colin:

Notice how this is exactly the same shot as those shots that Natasha fired at Bucky’s mask?

Why is that glass not more bulletproof?

There’s only one pair of those wings left, he said. So, as soon as those get shot or stop working, he stops being a superhero.

Unless they’re gonna write a line that says Stark made more of them for him.

Colin:

Of course that’s going to happen.

“8 minutes, Cap.”

“Working on it.”

I like how he said 8 minutes like he already finished his objective. Motherfucker, we all know we’re on a deadline. Handle your shit before you start reminding other people about their shit.

Why not just punch him in the face and not punch the shield? Are the reverberations stronger or something?

I bet that smarts.

“Bye, Felicia!”

If this didn’t happen under duress, and he calmly entered into this door with all those bodies strewn behind him, this would have been a top ten shot.

Does no one see him sneaking these glances?

Colin:

Is there a donut on the table? What’s he looking at? Is it a donut?

“What are you doing?”

That’s a lot of champagne you guys haven’t drank.

“She’s disabling security protocols and dumping all the secrets onto the internet.”

Colin:

She’s putting all their shit on Reddit, no doubt.

How does he know that? The first part, sure. How do you know she’s putting everything online?

“Including HYDRA’s.”

“And SHIELD’s.”

That is a part of all the secrets.

I like how bad guys think they can remind people of what they’re doing as if it’ll change something. “You know you’re fucking your side over too.” “Oh, well really? Shit, let me rethink this, then.”

“If you do this, none of your past is gonna remain hidden.”

Is it hidden now? Even if it’s out there, no one knows who the fuck she is anyway.

Colin:

What’s so bad about her past that she can’t be seen? This is that moment where she has to look up like a badass and say something like, “My soul is prepared! How’s yours?”

Colin:

How does she know the code to open that? Take your time. I’m here all week.

“Are you sure you’re ready for the world to see you as you really are?”

“Are you?”

Colin:

Why would you not have programmed the chips to make the helicarriers target each other, thereby making it possible to take down all three without necessarily securing all three chips in place? Take your time. I’m here all week.

Good place for a boss fight.

Colin:

Wouldn’t they launch more than one of their hover aircraft to take him out, or at least use manual controls to shoot him with the lasers on the bottom of the carrier? Take your time. I’m here all week.

Of course you don’t put a guy down here to watch this stuff. Because why would you do that?

Well he finished his objective pretty quickly.

Two more to go.

Mackie should get his. But who gets the third?

Colin:

Yeah, now that they have two, they could totally have them kill the third and then fuck up each other and they’re done.

What I don’t get is why they need all three (aside from The Plot). Do the other two override the third? Because it looks like your signal is already fucked up in the triangulation. Honestly, fuck it, let’s just get this over with.

This could be from The Matrix and you’d never know.

That’s a lot of missiles being fired at once.

You don’t survive this. Unless they’re not homing, in which case fold up the wings and drop a couple hundred feet.

And there’s the wooo. There’s always one.

Sure.

Two down.

And somehow Bucky isn’t protecting any of these either.

They’re the only air support Cap’s got.

Colin:

Wait, he was on the carrier this whole time? Where’s his retinue? His gun guy and his grenade launcher guy?

He had to kill them. You know how it is.

And… that.

The Jeter throw.

Well he just got annihilated.

Colin:

HOLY FUCK. Was this not rated R? He just shot a man in the neck, blew up an airplane and then threw a man through a turbine in like….3 seconds. HOW WAS THIS PG-13?! How was that two full ratings below a little lesbian action?

Why is he not wearing a mask anymore? He wore it the first three times we saw him. And then it fell off. And now it’s gone. Did he only own one mask? Does he not have a mask guy? Seems like the only reason the mask is gone is because we know who he is now. Maybe you should have had him wear the mask and have it come off early so it would make sense. Is the only reason he had the mask on in the first place The Plot? Take your time, we’re here all week.

Also, everyone should have a mask guy. And a gun guy. And a grenade launcher guy.

Are you gonna turn into an agent? Or get courage all of a sudden, and do something heroic and then die?

Nope, just gonna get shot in the head.

So if you shot him in the head through that, wouldn’t that fuck up its ability to fly? Or is it just low speeds and all that?

You look like you’re having so much fun.

Colin:

He knows how to fly that, cause…whatever?

Didn’t Tank load the flight program?

“Disabling the encryption is an executive order. It takes two alpha level members.”

How many alpha level members are there? Maybe explain what an alpha level memeber is. Because at this point, we can only assume it’s Fury. Though not even assume. We know it’s Fury. Because we know he’s alive. This was a poorly handled moment. It’s a reveal-less reveal.

Colin:

I like that they’re keeping him alive to comment on what’s going on. You’d think they’d at least have him in handcuffs by now.

“Don’t worry, company’s coming.”

HOUSE PARTY!

Is that guy on the floor dead? Because he really shouldn’t still be unconscious.

Colin:

How was this timed? What if he’d showed up early? Did she call him? Where’s Jenny Agutter right now? Why doesn’t anyone ask about where she is?

Good question. I’m assuming it has something to do with that “ride from the airport” that Scarlett was bitching about before as her. I’d hope so, anyway, because that would be nice and subtle. The ride from the airport was less than lovely because she got kidnapped. Or maybe they just sent her back on her way ad explained shit to her. Or put her in an Incredible Hulk cab, which would be Colin’s favorite potential scenario.

Aww, yeah, motherfucker, guess who’s back?

Colin:

What a reveal! Nick was alive this whole time!

Here’s something I hit upon as I was writing up my final thoughts for this movie. I’m gonna write it here essentially again, even though you’ll be reading this first. The other time was literally off the top of my head as I thought of it. This will be more polished. Still, the question stands.

Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if you didn’t reveal Fury was alive until just this moment?

So they get caught and they’re in the truck. Hill shows up and you get that moment. That’s cool. That’s a nice little reveal. Then they recoup in that bunker thing because that’s the only place they can meet up because all the other SHIELD places are compromised. Now, it’s just Hill, Cap, Mackie and Natasha. And maybe a few random people, but they don’t talk much, so who cares. But now it’s just them, and they have to sit down and make real decisions about what to do and who to trust. Fury isn’t there to guide them. They have to decide if they think Fury was telling the truth, if the Zola computer actually knew what it was talking about, and to what extent it was being truthful. The missile was because they put the flash drive in. That doesn’t have to be related to Zola’s thing. So the question is — is SHIELD actually HYDRA? And if so, how much? Did Fury know this, or did he think something else was going on? Is Pierce in on it? Maybe he’s not. And they have to decide if they’re gonna wage a war on SHIELD without having all the facts first.

Because in this scenario — we know in our hearts, and they do to, that Fury is right and is a good guy. But we don’t know how much of a good guy he is. Maybe he still was gonna launch Insight and the only thing he didn’t know was that HYDRA was sabotaging it. And then we don’t know if Pierce is evil and is HYDRA or if he’s just misguided. The question becomes — how much of SHIELD are we destroying with this? Is HYDRA 70% of SHIELD? 30%? Just 12 guys? Is it top level? What are we actually going to do if we go through with this? They gloss over that whole possibility with the “it all goes” exchange, which really just passes over a very interesting dynamic that’s at play.

And, because I love Robert Redford and was so heartbroken to see him subjected to saying the words “Hail HYDRA” on screen — what if Pierce is actually just trying to do the right thing? Maybe he thought Fury was fucking up his plan and had him killed because he was so blind to his cause of making the world a better place. So he’s an antagonist, but not the villain? And then HYDRA shows up and he’s like, “Oh man, I fucked up.” And he can still die and you can have all of that. Isn’t that a much more interesting scenario? You don’t have to change much, and yet you end up with a much more interesting movie that isn’t more interested in getting to the action than it is in telling a good story with the action to punctuate it.

Colin:

But seriously. There are more reveals in this franchise for characters than there are for us.

Colin:

They really milk these moments of Samuel L. Jackson glaring at people, and I don’t mind at all. Good for them. I will always advocate for the over-use of the talents of a great actor in a bad-to-mediocre movie. Movie’s not great, but you’ve got Sam Jackson to glare at people? Great. That only applies when the character is defined and being used correctly. So Ben Kingsley in Iron Man 3 only pissed me off.

That face.

Colin:

See? We all know who Sam is and what he’s here to do. Remember? “I Kinda Just Want the Subtitle to be Samuel L. Jackson’s Face.”

This has been my banner photo on Facebook and Twitter for like two years now.

Also, this is the face that begat that subtitle.

There should be three tumblrs: Samuel L. Jackson Glaring at People, Keanu Reeves Looking at Inanimate Objects, and Nicolas Cage Acting.

Fun side story: when I first got the idea of starting this blog, I had only a handful of things I wanted to write on it. The Oscar Quest was the obvious one. And How to Read a Hollywood Release was another one. And there were two or three more. The other one, which never fully materialized, was a series of articles called What’s My Cage Again? which was originally going to be a defense of Nicolas Cage as an actor. But then it was going to be, “I’m gonna watch every single performance he’s ever given and analyze the movie.” Much like Fun with Franchises, but just for Nicolas Cage. It never happened, but that would have been fun. Maybe one day if I get paid to do that, I’ll do it. So anyone out there looking to give me money to watch Nicolas Cage movies, you’ll get your money’s worth.

“Did you get my flowers?”

Colin:

That flowers line. This guy doesn’t give a FUCK. That was amazing. I put this movie up there for that line.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

Especially when the face is unchanged. God do we love Sam Jackson.

Kulsheov really missed the boat by not cutting to a black guy scowling.

Can we do a series of Alternative Kulsehovs? Where we put random shit like that instead? Samuel L. Jackson glaring, Keanu Reeves looking blank — this:

“I’m glad you’re here, Nick.”

“Really? Because I thought you had me killed.”

He can be glad it didn’t take.

“You know how the game works.”

He does. He should be cooler about this than he is. But if he’s gonna glare, I’m good.

“So why make me head of SHIELD?”

“Because you’re the best. And the most ruthless person I ever met.”

See? He has priorities, even though he’s HYDRA. You could still do what I said.

“I did what I did to protect people.”

“Our enemies are your enemies, Nick. Disorder, war. It’s just a matter of time before a dirty bomb goes off in Moscow or an EMP fries Chicago.”

Don’t say “our.”

“Diplomacy? Holding action, Nick A band aid. And you know where I learned that. Bogota.”

Yeah, the one story we heard is the story that’s the reason you’re doing this.

Write better, Marvel.

Colin:

This is the ending scene where stuff is supposed to be sort of explained by the bad guy to people who don’t know what’s happening. Redford is the Cliff Robertson. And no, I’m not talking about Charly. Redford is supposed to be giving some of the reveal now and showing how twisted the whole plot has been. Your climax is not action, it’s the danger that information poses.

We’re about to have a battle with three helicarriers, and it’s never going to get me as frightened as I got when a car pulled up alongside Redford in Three Days of the Condor. Seriously, people, watch the absolute shit out of that movie and recognize how this relatively great Marvel film is drivel in comparison.

“You didn’t ask. You just did what had to be done. I can bring order to the lives of seven billion people. By sacrificing 20 million. It’s the next step, Nick. If you have the courage to take it.”

Killing 20 million to save 7 billion. That’s… yeah, we’re off the rails.

Colin:

I mean, we already got all the motivations, so I don’t know why this scene is happening. But whatever, I’ll listen to Redford talk. I’m still astounded he’s even in this movie. Couldn’t they have run him better?

It’s Marvel. No. No they could not.

“No, I have the courage not to.”

Legitimately good line. I wish the lines around it were better.

“You don’t think we wiped your clearance from the system?”

“I know you erased my password. Probably deleted my retinal scan. But if you wanna stay ahead of me, Mr. Secretary–”

“You need to keep both eyes open.”

What? “Deleted retinal scan” means — gone. Why is the other one still in the computer?

Colin:

What, they erased his good eye, but not the bad one? For that matter, what happened when he was taken away? Did SHIELD not do an autopsy? How did he get to the underground facility? Who took him there?

I wish they were in a better movie together.

Colin:

More digital screens, cause what the fuck ever, huh?

Remember Snatch? That opening scene on the monitors was amazing.

“Six minutes.”

Colin:

Hill’s in this movie to break them out of jail and sit in front of a screen with a countdown clock. Her role is like the film equivalent of white teenagers going to volunteer in developing countries. There’s visual documentation that you were there and you probably feel great about it, but what did you really do? And it’s not her fault at all.

I do like that moment. Her calmly going back and killing the guy’s breaking on. Though now the door is open and anyone else can come in. Why did they only send two guys, again?

“Hey Sam, go to your right.”

What’s with the southern accent?

Look at that asshole’s face.

Colin:

So back to action. Action movies need to switch back and forth constantly. Just once, an action movie with a single focus of action going on that we don’t leave for the last 20 minutes.

Why is the guy with the rocket launcher sticking his tongue out like that?

He just tally ho’d away from a rocket.

Colin:

Are we concerned about this? Should we be?

You guys remember The Matrix?

Faces.

Gonna pat myself on the back for this shot.

“Let me know when you’re ready.”

“I just did.”

And now enter Bucky. Cap stalls while Sam finishes the deal. Come on, come on, we’re way too predictable.

Yup.

There’s that Jack White looking motherfucker.

Colin:

I’m amazed I didn’t make that comparison already. He really looks like Jack White.

Colin:

Well there’s a kick to the chest.

Colin:

The Falcon suit is dumb. Bucky’ll mess it up for sure.

A HA HA I love that he’s treating him like a piece of tape stuck to his finger.

You had that?

Colin:

Bullshit.

See? No longer a superhero.

Colin:

And there you go. Not that this fight or that suit make any sense, but there you go.

Take those broken wings and learn to fly.

(Well… blackbird…)

Colin:

I hadn’t realized until this moment how happy I am that his character is not called Blackbird.

The amount of things we’d have had to say about that…

Sure you had a parachute. Sure you did.

Convenient.

Colin:

Good thing he had a whole parachute in there with all those cyborg wing parts and that engine and stuff.

He’s out.

So now it’s down to boss fight. And he’s gotta put the chip in.

Colin:

These people are all running in different directions. Mayhem usually goes in one or two directions, maximum.

That dude shit his pants.

Colin:

This guy knows how to operate. Silence, then stabbing.

Oh, so that gives him something to do.

There’s only one reason you stop.

Colin:

Weird how he stops like that and has that look of recognition even though Bucky’s been standing there and he’s been running down this catwalk for like 100 feet already.

That’s the reason.

Two things: no way he gets down there quicker than Cap gets up there. And how does he know what Cap’s plan is?

Okay, that’s all.

“People are gonna die, Buck.”

Colin:

Why doesn’t he do more of the name repetition and try to bring him back? Nah? Cause the plot wants a fight? Okay.

“I can’t let that happen.”

“Please don’t make me do this.”

How about you make a deal? Let me put the chip in, and then we can fight, and you can kill me. His only objective is to kill Captain America. He knows nothing about this Insight bullshit.

Angles.

Also, GoldenEye. Again.

Wow, that was dumb.

Colin:

Well, once you have TWO guns, you just shoot him in the foot.

West Side Story.

Here’s my mad face.

Colin:

Wait, now that the algorithm chip is out, why does he even need to replace it with the good guy chip? We’ve got two carriers under control and one with no algorithm. Tell me how this is lost if that chip doesn’t go in.

The Plot.

You can tell his objective isn’t stopping this, because he can just crush the chip right now and it’s over.

Colin:

Who designed this? Can I be the one to tell you? You were high as fuck when you thought this up.

A little bit.

They’re behind the guns, right? Is that it? They put the thing that controls the guns behind the guns because that’s where it’s safe? Maybe?

Is this not longer than 8 minutes?

Colin:

I guess we have to go get it.

“Done. And it’s trending.”

Colin:

Yeah, right. I bet you could drop all that data and nobody would know what the fuck was going on until Anderson Cooper made it to page 40.

Colin:

Did I not say they’d be bomb pins? Of course the pins are bad. No blood, strangely.

“Unless you want a two inch hole in your sternum, I’d put that gun down.”

So does that mean the other two are dead? Did he just kill the security council? And that button controls which of the pins go off?

Colin:

This is why when I’m president nobody gets anything. There’s too much dignity to this process. If you’re a high-level espionage threat like this guy and I catch you? You’re butt naked and I’m knocking all your teeth out before we can calm down. You don’t get to hold a phone or a pen or nothing. I kill my problems and I disarm my prisoners. I think we can be sure that I’m the type who covers his bases.

“That was armed the moment you pinned it on.”

Colin:

Why doesn’t Samuel shoot her? And isn’t this millions of lives ostensibly at stake? And isn’t her story out there now? So…why not shoot him and end it?

What’s on his wrist?

Sturdy glass.

Colin:

More fighting? This isn’t as interesting anymore. The location kinda ruins it. He needs to have a showdown that isn’t in a flying death machine.

Really sturdy glass.

I like when people pull knives out of them.

So now you care about that?

Colin:

Those teeth are less perfect.

Russia.

Colin:

Look at this. This is nothing compared with Redford and Cliff Robertson talking outside The New York Times as a brass band and choir perform God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

Real sturdy glass.

Is he holding the chip? Crush it.

Somehow no one else is on this ship.

Not much I can say about this.

“I’m on 41, headed toward the southwest stairwell.”

So, Pierce is on 41, Fury’s on level 1?

Also, this is like Silph Co.

Colin:

Oh shit, is there another Pokemon game coming out soon? Probably not. They need to make another remake of the first generation. The 3DS version of Red and Blue. Or Fire Red and Leaf Green. Whichever.

Colin:

Sam’s a badass like that? Good thing you happened upon the recent vet who happens to fly a superhero suit already and can handle hand-to-hand combat with special forces.

“Let’s hug it out!”

“This is gonna hurt.”

Colin:

This white guy standing over a panting black guy, explaining how “this is gonna hurt.” If that’s not a slavery thing, it’s a prison rape thing. And I don’t know which I would rather it be. Marvel, you guys have issues.

“There are no prisoners with HYDRA. Just order. And order only comes from pain. You ready for yours?”

Why are you monologuing?

“Man, shut the hell up.”

Rocky III.

A minute to go.

30 seconds.

Colin:

Is Redford watching her constantly? Can’t she take off the jacket quietly when he isn’t looking? Don’t we all want to see that anyway? Why can’t you give me what I want?

Colin:

This is supposed to look like a gross millipede or something, right? Why did the weapons array have to be so gross and insect-like?

Is he actually wearing the gloves from 1944?

Not even gonna say anything.

Colin:

You just choked out the guy and it looked like he was dead, but since this is Marvel, he’s alive again. Marvel movies should really be classified in the zombie genre, considering how hard it is keep people dead.

I like that he’s taking bullets.

Well, he failed.

That’s how he dies in the comics, too.

Colin:

You got shot a bunch of times, bro. Wasn’t this suit supposed to have some protection? Or is this just a replica suit that they put on the dummy? Cause that would suck, him thinking it was his original suit and it then not being that and him getting shot a bunch of times.

They’re deploying the algorithm.

Which is just so menacing.

Colin:

That took them a long time to get to 3,000 feet.

How’d they launch that without anybody noticing?

That’s not a lot of SHIELD targets.

Here’s a question — who’s the new vice president?

Are these all comics characters? I assume there’s some importance here, because everything is related to something in Marvel.

Stark.

Colin:

So he’s the only one there? Why are they cutting to such random individuals being targeted so closely?

In 3…

Colin:

That’s a lot of targets. Did they notice that the president is on the list? Are all these people actually traitors? Are we to believe that these thousands of staffers are on board with the evil shit going down? Aren’t they in it for the “order” and all that? And below a certain rank, they’re all grunts who are just regular guys and need to be sold on the mission if it involves killing people. I’m really confused with how all these folks are into it. What happens when someone on the carriers is targeted by the algorithm?

2…

Colin:

Why are you counting down from three? He said ‘when ready.’ Marvel really won’t let anyone die. And I bet that even though they’re in DC, these massive things are going to crash land somewhere with zero people. But how many puppies will be crushed, Marvel? Maybe they should start doing a casualty report freeze frame like Battle Royale or the Battles Without Honor and Humanity movies. The helicarriers crash and it freezes. “Deaths: 82 civilians, 26 dogs, 1 cat in a stroller.”

1…

This is taking longer than one second.

Naturally.

Colin:

Note how on this map they’re displayed as these massive things that are dozens upon dozens of miles apart. And they’re not.

“Where are the targets?”

I only put that there because he sounds like Foghorn Leghorn.

Colin:

NOBODY got shot? NOBODY?

There are the targets.

Colin:

Why not have the first two target the third? Why did you need all three? Why? Not all of the weapons were disabled until now.

It’s like Reservoir Dogs but with helicarriers.

Too bad we won’t have Chris Penn to shout, “Larry stop stop pointing that gun at my dad!”

Colin:

I’ve always loved that line and I don’t understand why more people don’t love it.

That guy looks like a male Keri Russell.

“Fire now.”

“But Steve–”

“Do it!”

Colin:

Tell me they’re not doing the same fucking ending. Are you KIDDING ME? HE DOESN’T EVEN LOVE COBIE SMULDERS.

Go home, Captain America, you are drunk.

Colin:

Pirates of the Caribbean did this so much better. Beckett standing there, accepting his fate, NOT covered in jewels. I’m stoked that he’s going to be in that Cold War miniseries with Tom Hiddleston and Hugh Laurie. That’s something to look forward to.

I love that again he’s needlessly martyring himself. No one thought to just have one shoot the other two down.

Naturally.

Colin:

A HA HA. People pinned by wreckage is a franchise staple, and a good one.

“We’re erased.”

Erased? I thought the point of HYDRA is that you’re never erased.

“So you still on the fence about Rogers’ chances?”

“Come on, councilwoman, it’s time for you to fly me out of here.”

Colin:

I never understand how hijackers think shit is supposed to work. Does he have a go bag? Where’s he headed? Does he know how to disappear and live a life? Isn’t he too old to do that? Where’s he supposed to live?

“You know, there was a time when I would have taken a bullet for you.”

He already did.

“You already did.”

Colin:

The delivery of that line makes me like him. Cause it’s right there with, “Did you get my flowers?” He doesn’t give a fuck.

Or just take the fucking thing off.

Colin:

ZAP MY DUMB ASS!

“The fuck?”

Colin:

So it shorts the pin, is that the idea?

Colin:

You shot Robert Redford. You’re no better than a bunch of Bolivians.

He DEFINITELY saw Venice.

Then again, Donald Sutherland saw Venice too.

Maybe seeing Venice isn’t what you want.

People always fall through windows when they get shot.

Or when they’re Kevin James.

“Romanoff. Natasha!”

Aww, get it? He used her real name! He cares about her! And that’s magically gonna wake her up!

“Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero.”

“Oww. Those really do sting.”

They’re not supposed to sting. They’re supposed to put a hole in your sternum.

Colin:

Everyone dying, nobody dies.

Those things should be going down by now.

Also, depending on where these fall, some major monuments are also going down.

Colin:

So…bored…might not make it.

Colin:

Yeah, I don’t care about this. I’m watching this thinking about the cost to taxpayers.

“Hail HYDRA.”

Said the man who was once the Sundance Kid.

Remember when you were in The Sting? I hope you’re thinking about that right now.

Looks like you guys are gonna need a new headquarters.

Dedford.

Colin:

That’s how I wanna go.

How convenient, they’re the one still flying.

Convenience is the essence of a Marvel plot.

Why are you all concerned? That’s some shitty brainwashing you guys had.

Colin:

“Hey Steve.” “Hey Bucky. Bucky, why did this happen?” “You got shot.”

Oh yeah, they’re still fighting.

Colin:

WHY are you still fighting? You lost! You watched everything go to shit.

“You’re out of your depth, kid.”

I hope that was a cinematography joke.

What happened to Sharon Carter? She’s done nothing at all during this entire time.

Colin:

Who the shit is Sharon Carter? Oh, HER. That’s funny, you’re talking about her as though she’s a character.

Colin:

Henchmen turning around to see their death coming is also a franchise staple. We should collect all of those.

I think he becomes some kind of villain in the future.

Colin:

Squashed-in-a-wrecked-building Man? Is his catchphrase, “Let’s get ready to RUB-BLE?”

White guy can’t outrun the collapse. Black guy sprints right past it.

Colin:

And not a single news copter around.

“Please tell me you have that chopper in the air.”

“Where are you?”

“41^st floor, northwest corner.”

Because sure, that’s easy to spot from the outside.

Colin:

41^st floor? How are they supposed to know that in a helicopter? You going to count 41 floors or do they have numbers on the outside of the building?

“We’re on it, stay where you are.”

How do you still have reception during all this?

“Not an option.”

LEFT! TURN THIS BIG MOTHERFUCKER LEFT TROY!

(I’ll never turn down an opportunity to use that.)

Colin:

I need to watch that movie. If I didn’t have to do other shit, I’d be watching that movie right now.

Yeah, okay.

And before this even happens… yeah, okay.

Colin:

I’m not sure if you can turn a helicopter like that, but anyway, Mackie didn’t get minced.

“41^st floor!”

“It’s not like they put the floor numbers on the outside of the building.”

Colin:

Samuel L. Jackson and I think alike.

Would have been funnier if he was on the 42nd floor. And then we all could have been like, “Oh… that’s a shame.” And then they flew away quietly, sitting in silence, as “The Boxer” played on the radio.

Titties.

Colin:

My compliments to that zipper company. Probably YKK. They make a good zipper. Yes they do.

Colin:

Good thing this one didn’t blow up and fall into the water.

Colin:

How are you lifting that even with like 3 bullets in you?

He looks so disgusted that he’s helping him.

And now keep fighting. Because that’s how this goes.

“You know me.”

Colin:

That’s a bad idea. You tell him you know him before lifting the thing. Steve is bad with sequencing.

“No I don’t!”

Well, you clearly do. Otherwise this is the greatest mindfuck anyone’s ever pulled.

“Bucky, you’ve known me your whole life.”

Not entirely true.

Colin:

This is like “La la la I can’t hear you” with backhanding.

You think Stark is paying attention to this right now?

Also, where’s Hawkeye during all of this? He’s the one you’d think would be around. Since he has nothing to do on his own anyway.

Colin:

Here are those questions that make zero sense and then get answered as a retcon. “Nah, he was busy cause like…stuff.” Okay, well why is nobody mentioning them? At least someone saying, “Gosh, I sure wish he was here. Fucker had to go to Barbados and turn off his phone THIS week?”

“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.”

Every time I see the name Buchanan, I hear it the way Carl Reiner says it in Ocean’s Eleven, when he’s pretending to be that eastern European dude.

“SHUT UP!”

His faces are just ridiculous in this scene.

“I’m not gonna fight you.”

Well that’s something you probably don’t wanna lose.

Colin:

You’re not going to fight him, but apparently you are going to litter.

“You’re my friend.”

An ass shot for the ladies.

“You’re my mission.”

It really looks like they’re about to fuck.

Right, though?

RIGHT THOUGH?

Colin:

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Colin:

Does he heal super fast? He’s really fucked up at the moment and getting demolished in the face with a metal arm.

“Then finish it.”

“Cause I’m with you to the end of the line.”

You know, that one random thing you said to me once, that for sure you’re gonna remember after 70 years and copious shock therapy.

(Also, 70 Years and Copious Shock Therapy)

Colin:

Aw, isn’t this just all the feels? (Hint: it’s not.)

Skyfall.

Oh, so this is where he’s supposed to shoot him but doesn’t?

And then randomly jumps and decides to help him?

Colin:

This isn’t for 3D at all.

Colin:

WOW. So remember when I said that Pirates did this better? How about this shot? Oh, I meant this shot. It’s Pirates, it’s Skyfall (twice, really, with the opening sequence and the breaking through the ice), it’s Bourne…it’s a workhorse of a shot, this.

Colin:

And now sinking to the bottom. That’s Skyfall as shit.

Colin:

There’s a hand coming to pull him to safety, which is Gollum at my doo doo cloud moment.

And that’s the end of the movie!

Actually, if that were, I’d forgive every bad thing I said about it. Because I don’t think Marvel is capable of ending one of their movies like that.

I say this way more frequently now. Like three to five minutes before the end of movies, I find myself going, “End it here, end it right now,” and they never do. Like Interstellar. End that movie when he’s floating away in space and the ending is brilliant. Or Lincoln. End that movie with him walking up the hallway and it’s brilliant. But they always tack on extra stuff for no reason because audiences need a bow tied up at the end.

Colin:

And he’s showing up on a muddy bank after falling from the sky, which is Gravity. And of course, this is all Boo Radley.

Colin:

And he’s still bleeding profusely into and out of his stomach. Which is painful but not super life-threatening immediately, according to Harvey Keitel. I want a taco.

SMEAGOL IS FREE!!

(But seriously, this looks exactly like the opening scene of Return of the King.)

“Well, shit, I saved him, so what now?”

How’d you get that far away?

Colin:

How is Earth, let alone America, even in school at this point after a semester this bad? People talk about the mid-70s as being a horrible time in our history, with Watergate and the Oil Crises and stuff like that. What about the time since 2007?

Taxes must be so fucked.

Half of the major cities in the world must be under major construction at the same time.

And that’s the END OF THE MOVIE!

What the fuck? Is this actually Return of the King?

Also, that should have been the ending to the movie. This is a clear post-credits scene.

He’s playing Marvin Gaye.

Even though Cap never helped him bang the receptionist.

Colin:

I feel like there’s always the promise of helping him bang the receptionist. And isn’t that the same promise America was built on?

You know what it is — if they introduce the receptionist, she has to become a character, who can never die, and who has to be involved in the action in some way. She’ll get a set of mini-wings or some bullshit.

Yes, thank you. Even though we fucking heard it.

Also, this isn’t the soundtrack, if you got the single version. Album cuts or GTFO.

Colin:

Trouble Man. You should have started with the music and MAYBE shown the iPhone first before we see that Mackie is there.

It’s really the simple things, isn’t it? It’s weird how they don’t care about any of this stuff that makes films better.

How come he never has to shave?

Colin:

That’s a great question. Captain America really off the rails and in deep cover would be him with a beard.

Colin:

Wait, is Bucky gonna be hiding behind the door? Is Nick Fury Atticus in this analogy? I guess Mackie would be Jem. Which leaves Scarlett to be…I want to say Mayella. But she could also be Calpurnia or Mrs. Dubose.

Just wait til Civil War. When he busts up a Chiffa-Robert Downey Jr.

Feeling

about that one.

For the record, when I eventually end up in the hospital in a semi-coma, nobody come sit by the bedside and wait. Just keep checking in every once in a while? Is he awake yet? Dead yet? And then when you hear one way or the other, then you can come by.

“On your left.”

GODDAMNIT!

WHY IS THIS MOVIE STILL HAPPENING

Oh, they have to reveal the name now? Or are they saving that bullshit too?

Colin:

Why are we cutting to her like she’s an actual character with development?

Colin:

All these people should have been at the CIA anyway.

Is she thinking thoughts? Why did we need this close up?

Colin:

She’s taking a lie-detector test, which is probably something she’s been trained to beat.

This is some horse shit, too. Teasing us with Stark and giving us nothing.

Colin:

Wait, Cobie’s going to Stark? Why does that make any sense at all? What’s she gonna do? She was the deputy director of a massive clandestine organization that went VERY wrong. Is she not being investigated? Are they not ALL being investigated? And why Stark? Is it cause we know of only like 4 places in this universe where people can work? It was either Stark, Hammer, or Roxxon Oil.

Colin:

Oh, that’s sad. I’m sad they dragged Garry Shandling into their bullshit. I hope he had fun with the 23-year-old.

Your clothes are not in tact after that kind of collapse.

Yeah, he becomes something or other.

Colin:

That guy’s super burned and not super crushed. And is it strange that all of this is like days later, when they all have new jobs and stuff, and he’s only just now being recovered? Why does that seem…way off?

Colin:

Nick, like every other man, has a U-Haul full of secrets. Wait, we all have U-Hauls full of secrets, right?

My secret is 8 and resents me.

I like how they still make people do this, as if the Bible means anything anymore.

So she’s testifying before the senate about how she and Cap basically just fucked over the entire intelligence community.

Colin:

You don’t see a lot of redheads at congressional hearings.

She’s got a long list of service, both for the country and against it. They think she belongs in prison.

Colin:

Are they really going to call her out for destroying HYDRA? Politicians in these movies are even less logical than actual politicians.

“You’re not gonna put me in a prison. You’re not gonna put any of us in a prison. You know why?”

“Do enlighten us.”

“Because you need us.”

And because one of her friends is the god of thunder and the other is a giant rage monster.

Colin:

They won’t lock her up because they need her protection? Am I the only one who finds this incredibly ironic given what we just watched? That the plot of this movie was abandoning the rule of law in favor of order and protection from potential threats, and now she’s saying that they won’t indict her because they need her to protect them? In a better movie, I’d might even call that ‘poignant,’ or a commentary on a values system that should be reexamined, but I don’t think Marvel or its fans recognize how far up Ayn Rand’s asshole that is or why it doesn’t jive with the message of the film.

A better movie gives you this ending, and you realize that the good guys winning isn’t exactly toward an ideal world EITHER. Like the Western. That’s why Shane had to ride away and remove himself from the family he’d saved because he threatened them just as much as Jack Palance, in his own way. The point? NO MORE GUNS LEFT IN THE VALLEY. I hate this ending.

“Yes, the world is a vulnerable place. And yes, we help make it that way. But we’re also the ones best qualified to defend it.”

I preferred the Stark method to Congressional hearings.

Reflection.

“So if you wanna arrest me, arrest me. You’ll know where to find me.”

Right here. Arrest her now.

Grey Poupon: When You Need to Spice Up Your U-Haul Full of Secrets

Colin:

I’ve never torched my U-Haul full of secrets. But if I ever did, it’d be fine because you can always get another U-Haul for your secrets.

“So, you’ve experienced this sort of thing before.”

“You get used to it.”

Colin:

He’s dead, officially, but even in the eyes of the US government? Do they know he’s dead?

OH FUCK YOU!

Also, convenient way to block out how old he actually is, and what year this actually is taking place.

Colin:

Pulp Fiction is still following this guy. Fuck it, I chuckled. No harm done.

There’s also no year after the 1. That actually says 201.

He’s going to Europe to ferret out the remaining HYDRA. Wants to know if Cap’ll come.

Colin:

He’s going to Europe to kill more dudes? Why can’t we have THAT movie? Is he going to have a Royale with cheese?

“There’s something I gotta do first.”

“How about you, Wilson? I could use a man with your abilities.”

“I’m more of a soldier than a spy.”

“All right, then.”

“Anybody asks for me, tell them they can find me right here.”

At least until Avengers 2. Am I right?

Colin:

Everyone parts ways. I thought this would be a Fast and Furious ending with them on a beach, with Scarlett in a bikini, showing off her scar.

“You should be honored, that’s about as close as he gets to saying thank you.”

“Not going with him?”

“No.”

“Not staying here.”

“I blew all my covers, I gotta go figure out a new one.”

Wait, what? Oh, you meant…

“That might take a while.”

Not with those titties.

(That one works both ways.)

“I’m counting on it.”

Funny how they make her capable of fucking any and every person they need to for plot purposes.

That favor he asked for.

(When?)

Colin:

Called in favors from Kiev? The fuck does that mean? Who owes you in Kiev?

Kieven Kline?

“Do me a favor. Call that nurse.”

You mean that CIA agent?

“She’s not a nurse.”

“And you’re not a SHIELD agent.”

But she’s actually not a nurse. He WAS a SHIELD agent. That’s not sound logic.

“What was her name again?”

Fuck you.

“Sharon. She’s nice.”

No last name, huh? Gotta give that time to process when it happens.

Hey, you remember that chick you were supposed to bang back in World War II? Well now you’re banging the niece.

Colin:

She really wants him to call the chick, which means that she really wants him to herself. Or she should. They’d be better together. Sharon doesn’t have a character.

No goodbye for Falcon?

Colin:

She thinks she’ll miss him most of all.

“Be careful, Steve. You might not want to pull on that thread.”

Colin:

Bucky’s a sweater now?

What happens to hair during cryo?

“You’re going after him.”

“You don’t have to come with me.”

“I know. When do we start?”

Colin:

Wait. Doesn’t anyone have a job? Am I the only one with a job? Cobie Smulders got a job.

THAT’s the end of the movie?

Ah, a mid credits scene.

“It’s over. Fury has released everything to the public.”

“Everything he knows about.”

Don’t give me this horse shit.

But actually, at this point, let’s just get it over, because these sequences are becoming increasingly tedious.

“Herr Strucker, if they get word of our work here. If they know we serve HYDRA…”

“SHIELD, HYDRA… two sides of a coin that’s no longer currency.”

Also, fuck you for eliminating HYDRA after two movies. These superhero movies cannibalize themselves by having to eliminate the major threats and force themselves into rebooting after like three or four movies.

“What we have is worth more than any of them ever knew.”

So basically, all real world stuff that we responded to? Nah, it’s all about infinity stones and space and shit.

Great.

I’m sure that’ll make phase 3 bearable.

“We’ve only scratched the surface, and already…”

Colin:

Another underground research facility. Another secret organization. Another vaguely German villain. Another blue space weapon. A monocle.

The same blue space weapon. Because somehow he got his hands on that.

“There are other facilities doing HYDRA’s good work around the world.”

I thought HYDRA was no longer currency. Make up your mind

“We’ll feed them to Captain America and his colorful friends. Keep them off our scent.”

Colin:

Do none of these organizations recognize Asgard? Do they understand that Thor is Asgardian royalty and that if they fuck with the world order, he’ll come and fuck them all up with the Asgardian armies? I mean, there’s no official treaty, but when you think about all the uprisings and shit that they were cleaning up during Thor 2, this movie AND Iron Man 3 would seem to qualify for their attention. Take your time. I’m here all week.