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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Part V — “This Is Why I Never Work for Places That Kill People”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - Title Card

We begin Part V with the action.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1827

I can’t get into something that looks as fake as this.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1828

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1829

Colin:

Someone was employed to make all of this. All of it.

Still not understanding the countdown.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1830

Colin:

All these schmucks. This is why I never work for places that kill people. And why I write for Mike’s blog. Because the worst thing I could unknowingly be lending my efforts to would be like, “You’ve been making all those dick jokes at the expense of innocent people!” You think I worry about dick joke collateral damage? Some things just need to be said. Or they don’t, but I’d rather not not say them.

This Is Why I Never Work for Places That Kill People

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1831

Oh, look, the entire security council is here. That can’t be bad at all.

“How was your flight?”

There’s no way these people fly commercial. So this is a dumb question.

“Lovely. The ride from the airport, less so.”

Because you got kidnapped and replaced?

“Sadly, SHIELD can’t control everything.”

This will be funny later.

“Including Captain America.”

Colin:

Reunion! Is he gonna sleep with Jenny? Or has he already?

She might actually be tied to a toilet right now.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1832

Faces.

Colin:

Look at Lau here. I know the squealers when I see them…

Love the guy with the automatic weapon just walking with them.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1833

Those will give them “unrestricted access.”

And I bet it makes them targets, too.

Colin:

Why do I feel like those are actually bomb pins or something? I’m thinking The World is Not Enough, when Sir Robert King blew up.

Seriously, why would you automatically wear those? I’d flat out say no. Give me a fucking card. Technology is past pins in these movies.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1834

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1835

At this point, I’d rather them not have images than have ones that look as fake as this.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1836

Uh oh, they’re chatting. They’re gonna go down.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1837

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1838

“Must be the dish.”

“I’ll check it out.”

Colin:

These guys don’t seem bad. Is he going to call one of them ‘son?’

Isn’t that guy on some TV show?

It’s Community, isn’t it? I’ve never watched, but I know these directors made their name off of some of those episodes.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1839

I love that they have normal people light switches in this place.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1840

Ddi you guys hide in a closet for just this situation? How’d you get in without being seen? Especially since there’s a manhunt on for all of you.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1841

Colin:

Your name is Moore. That’s all I got, folks. Do with that as you will.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1842

“Excuse us.”

Do they neutralize him or just leave him alone?

Do they not have friends inside this place?

Couldn’t they just call a friendly and call in a favor? Isn’t that usually how this is done? At least that way, I’m not sitting here, going, “How the fuck did they get inside this place?”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1843

“I know the road hasn’t exactly been smooth. And some of you would have gladly kicked me out of the car along the way.”

Colin:

Based on the shots we saw before, it took them 56 seconds to get from the lobby to here. 40 floors above Nick Fury’s office, which is also probably a way up.

Does the council not question why Fury is dead?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1844

“Finally, we’re here. And the world should be grateful.”

Colin:

That’s what being really rich really is. Sipping champagne in a wide-open room at the top of a building with your rich friends. And notice how there are no black council members? Yeah. Just the brown guy who probably has oil money, right Marvel? Typical.

The black guy who helped get them there got killed two days ago. That sounds like how white people would handle this.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1845

“Attention all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers.”

Colin:

Oh, good. I hope he’s going to tell us what aircraft from here and around the world are going to be doing in less than an hour.

Just gonna point out — not that we necessarily care about lack of continuity — those are not Scarlett Johansson’s legs.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1846

“You’ve heard a lot about me over the last few days.”

And over the last few months.

And over history.

You have a fucking museum section named after you.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1847

“Some of you were even ordered to hunt me down.”

Colin:

We cut to her like she’s had some actual development in this movie. Why is she a character?

It’s bizarre how they handle her given who she is within the universe and what her name is. Why are you saving that? Especially since this is is the person who KILLS HIM in the comics. You know, in the arc IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE ONE THEY’RE USING IN THE NEXT MOVIE. Maybe get that going sooner.

Colin:

That they even attempt to “handle” her is strange to me. Cause she’s really not a character in this movie, and they act as though she is.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1848

“But I think it’s time you knew the truth. SHIELD is not what you thought it was.”

I’m glad the fascist symbol was cut to during this line.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1849

“It’s been taken over by HYDRA.”

A name they all just know.

Colin:

Yeah, what do textbooks look like in this universe?

Probably very differently if the rest of this movie doesn’t go the way that it does.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1850

Mean looks.

“Alexander Pierce is their leader.”

Is he? Who said that?

What kind of assumption is that? He’s working for them, sure, but don’t assume he’s the head of the snake. Haven’t you learned anything from Qui Gon?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1851

Colin:

They’re all like, “Motherfucker!” Because they’d totally have gone with his rich guy oligarchy scheme if he’d asked – they’re just pissed he didn’t offer them a spot. “We millionaires! Killin’ ain’t fair, but somebody gotta do it.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1852

“The STRIKE and Insight crew are HYDRA as well.”

Weird how he has no basis for this being 100% true and is just announcing it. They should cut to a guy who is part of the crew who looks up like, “Wait, what?”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1853

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1854

“I don’t know how many more. But I know they’re in the building. They could be standing right next to you.”

Colin:

This is the Three Days of the Condor shit that we’ve been trying to get to for more than 90 minutes now. Everyone in the organization, looking at one another and wondering who they can trust.

I know you had to do it for universe purposes, but I ask you — take this exact scene, this exact moment — and set it during a natural Captain America progression, and set it in the 1950s. During the Red Scare. How much better is it?

It’s the modern nature of the plot and all the technology that kills this for me. I want this to be HYDRA being a metaphor for communism in the 50s.

Colin:

I want everything to be a metaphor for communism in the 50s.

WHAT IF HYDRA WAS BUG PEOPLE

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1855

“They almost have what they want.”

Colin:

“this guy thinks he can speech lol [turban emoji]”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1856

“Absolute control.”

Or the mass killing of their enemies.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1857

“They shot Nick Fury. And it won’t end there. If you launch those helicarriers today, HYDRA will be able to kill anyone that stands in their way.”

Colin:

Notice how he says “shot” even though everyone thinks he’s dead and is supposed to STILL think he’s dead. Why would you say “shot” when you mean “killed?” You wouldn’t.

They really don’t know how to handle reveals.

At least if he says “got” then you can count that for both.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1858

“Unless we stop them.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1859

You can tell they’re evil because of their faces.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1860

“I know I’m asking a lot.”

Colin:

Why are the two guards black? And the rest of them are white? OH no.

Operation Human SHIELD?

Colin:

There are too many points on that badge. I like a sparsely-pointed badge.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1861

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1862

Colin:

Oh, never mind, there was one black guy in that group of ten, so it’s not racist.

How did one guy get the drop on both of them? Why did none of the rest of this crew pull weapons?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1863

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1864

“But the price of freedom is high. And always has been.”

Colin:

Good thing they’re dropping the sound out over this. I’ll take it.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1865

“And it’s a price I’m willing to pay. If I’m the only one, then so be it. But I’m willing to be I’m not.”

Colin:

That’s the second time you’ve said what you’re ‘willing’ to do in three sentences. Stop being such a martyr and tell everyone to cap the HYDRA dudes. Though, nobody knows who’s who, which makes this a fantastically great opportunity. I don’t think they use it. We’ll see if everyone figures out who’s HYRDRA and who isn’t too quickly.

Seriously, though. Missed opportunity. Not knowing who the good guys or bad guys are. That’s what makes it tough for me to rate this movie. Because as a product, yeah, it’s one of the best Marvel movies. But when you look at it, you see how many times they missed chances to make it better.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1866

“Did you write that down first? Or was it off the top of your head?”

Colin:

What? It wasn’t THAT amazing. You don’t have to hop on his dick for eloquence too.

He can say exactly what he says. Only slower. And more ethnic.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1867

Colin:

These guys don’t look menacing at all. It’s one thing for them to be working for HYRDA, but you’d expect it to still be under the pretense that they believe they were doing what’s right. This makes them look like they’re doing it just to be assholes.

I like how they peppered in female soldiers for this.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1868

“Arrest him.”

Colin:

A HA HA. He told them to arrest Redford, and that was when Marvel said, “You’re cute, but this is America, brown guy.” You thought you could tell them to arrest Robert Redford with THAT accent?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1869

“I guess I’ve got the floor.”

MR. SMITH 2: FILI-BUSTED

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1870

Is he the Neville Longbottom? The one that does something heroic that helps our heroes win, ultimately?

Colin:

Please tell me they didn’t cast that guy with that hair to make him a pussy. Like, he makes that face, and we see the poofy Jew-fro, and Marvel wants us to see a pussy, don’t they? Take a look back at literally everyone else in this movie and tell me that’s not what’s happening right now.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1871

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1872

Colin:

She glances over, still not a character in this movie.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1873

“Preempt the launch sequence. Send those ships up now.”

WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS HOURS AGO?

Colin:

He’s wetting himself. I’ve found that in scary situations, I’m not instinctively brave, I’m just compelled to be a wiseass. Being straight up brave is boring, anyway.

How do the HYDRA people know who is SHIELD and who is HYDRA? Are there special pins, like with Shandling?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1874

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1875

“Is there a problem?”

The veins in your neck?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1876

“I’m not gonna launch those ships.”

Colin:

Good for you, probably Jewish guy. Man, Hollywood lays it on thick, huh?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1877

“Move away from your station.”

Just shoot him. Why keep him alive?

Colin:

I’m not convinced that guns actually make those sounds when you just raise them.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1878

“Like he said.”

Why do you have a sight on that gun?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1879

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1880

Oh, this’ll be good.

Colin:

Looks like we have a Mexican standoff. Which, as standoffs go – large, poor and badly governed.

And maybe a beheading!

(Still in the country, by the way.)

(Don’t worry, Colin knows what I’m talking about.)

Colin:

Holy shit. Tell that story. Tell them all how we’re even more horrible than they thought.

I thought we did tell it. But fuck it, it’s not like there’s a movie going on right now.

Must have been… my senior year of college, maybe junior year. There was that news that came out about Marisol Valles Garcia, who was the 20 year old single mother who took a couple of sociology classes and decided to take over as sheriff for this Mexican town that was hugely cartel run. The previous sheriff, by the way, had been beheaded. So here’s this young woman taking over as sheriff of this town, clearly just waiting to be killed.And we are fascinated by that. The best was this news story they did with her, and they showed you her police station, which had like, one deputy, two guns, a pair of handcuff, and like, one and half cop cars. And there was one shot in the news story that made me laugh so hard, because the camera pans past her door, and in the door there’s just a giant fucking bullet hole. Which means someone was driving past and literally shot at the police station.

We had google alerts set up for this woman and would randomly search every couple of days, just waiting to hear that she had been abducted and brutally murdered, because it was just so amusing to us. Because seriously — this is a town where you’re not gonna win it over with law and order. The previous sheriff got beheaded! And here’s this college student who’s like, “I’m not afraid of these people. Fuck them.” Yeah, okay… let’s see how that one ends.

So we’re just waiting for this chick to die. And of course eventually she fled the country and used that whole sheriff thing as a reason to get asylum in the country. (Which was a smart play.) But man, that was a fun year, where we’re just waiting for her to be offed for our own amusement.

Those were also the days where, every two months or so, Colin and I would have (not dissimilar to Malekith’s AIDS radar), a DMX sense, where we’d just think, “I feel like DMX got arrested today,” and then we’d check the news, and sure enough — well, you guys can enjoy the results.

But yeah, Colin and I spent a good year excitedly waiting for someone to get beheaded.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1881

“Captain’s orders.”

Oh, and I bet you love taking orders from the Captain.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1882

Colin:

This is when someone’s supposed to come back from the toilet with a half-eaten Hot Pocket.

“This isn’t where I parked my car.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1883

“You picked the wrong side, agent.”

Why have you not shot him yet?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1884

You really should just shoot him. That would have fucked everyone up.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1885

“Depends on where you’re standing.”

No. Depends on how this turns out. But sure.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1886

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1887

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1888

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1889

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1890

Oh look, she won.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1891

NOPE.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1892

Colin:

13 just got AIDS.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1893

Colin:

“AH!” Still not a character in this movie. 

My feeling about this is actually a positive one. I feel like the directors were so good in telling the story they wanted to tell that characters like 13 and Mackie actually do feel unnecessarily shoehorned into the plot because it’s fucking Marvel forcing their universe in what is otherwise a rather contained story. So the fact that her stuff stands out as having no business here only really points to what is otherwise a solid construction from the filmmakers bogged down by Marvel’s universe bullshit.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1894

Nice catch.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1895

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1896

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1897

Nice hair, Lon Chaney.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1898

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1899

Colin:

Kick the Jew to the side so that helicarriers can be launched. Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1900

What, so you know how to preempt the launch? I highly doubt that.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1901

Neville.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1902

Colin:

Hey guy, have fewer veins.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1903

Colin:

Just went back to make sure that I had mentioned AIDS. And it’s cool, I did.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1904

So, just override it back. Or cancel it.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1905

This is stupid. He starts a firefight, preempts the launch and peaces. I’m okay with the peacing in theory. Start some shit and sneak out, scot-free. Cool. But the fact that the only purpose of that was to have the military guy somehow know how to preempt a launch sequence and do it is ridiculous. Plus the fact that it only required one person to do is also crazy.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1906

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1907

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1908

Aww yeah, this some GoldenEye shit.

Colin:

YEAH. That’s likely. This is more ridiculous than fucking GoldenEye.

Nah, D.C. just has this shit.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1909

Just a piece of advice — Washington D.C. should not look like fucking Coruscant.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1910

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1911

He’s actually telling them to shut it down, not giving himself up to the police.

Colin:

Good yelling voice on this guy. Too bad he’s about to get capped.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1912

Oh, that’s a shame.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1913

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1914

Did it rain here? What’s with the water? Is that supposed to make it look more realistic? Because like I said, this looks like Revenge of the Sith.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1915

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1916

Do not care.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1917

Really do not care.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1918

Thanks, Stark!

Colin:

Isn’t it strange that Tony built those repulsor engines for SHIELD even after seeing that they were up to some shit, and even after they used their carrier to try to nuke New York, which is why he now has PTSD?

And somehow this isn’t also part of his whole, “Oh man I fucked up” complex that he has in the next movie.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1919

You abbreviated the word surveillance?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1920

“They’re initiating launch.”

Thank you, Trixie.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1921

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1922

This really looks just as cartoonish as Revenge of the Sith did.

Colin:

So everyone’s bad on these carriers, basically. Mm kay. No idea how any of that works, but we’re more than two months into the Marvel franchise at this point. Do I sound like I have it in me?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1923

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1924

Where was this shot from? The deck of the helicarrier? Or a side garage? Because I like this location and camera angle.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1925

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1926

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1927

“Hey Cap, how do we know the good guys from the bad guys?”

“If they’re shooting at you, they’re bad.”

Well that was lazy writing. And a dumb question. More so the former.

Colin:

Bad guys do shoot at you, yes. Not super helpful.

How come he had to make that speech? Just to get good people killed? Because wouldn’t it have been easier to sneak directly onto the helicarriers? I feel like Hill and Natasha could have been fine hiding in there as agents. Nobody was after Hill.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1928

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1929

Ugh.

Colin:

Don’t include this character. Thanks.

They’ll never learn.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1930

I love that he tally hos off of everything.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1931

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1932

Colin:

This movie is a veritable cornucopia of tally hos.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1933

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1934

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1935

I love that he just jumped down about forty feet, then did a barrel roll, then got up and started sprinting all in one motion.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1936

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1937

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1938

Colin:

He just destroyed that guy’s windpipe with the shield. That’s actually one of the most painful things I’ve seen during all these movies. That’s awful.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1939

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1940

Colin:

Bet he wishes he had a grenade launcher guy right now.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1941

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1942

Colin:

I don’t really understand how that suit works. Who made that? Is it Stark? Cause if not, is it Hammer? Does it take gas? Does it have weapons? Not sure what his job is other than to draw fire.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1943

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1944

Colin:

Why does nobody call it “ak-ak” anymore? What a great way to refer to something that used to be way more prevalent than it is today.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1945

No Romanoff at all. Which means she’s doing something that’ll reveal itself at just the right time.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1946

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1947

Colin:

Back to the rich people who are still drinking champagne in a wide-open room.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1948

“Let me ask you a question. What if Pakiston marched into Mumbai tomorrow?”

Colin:

Is he from Mumbai? Is that what you’re saying? I’m also not going to fix Mike’s Pakistan typo because it made me think of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. “Chill, Paki-ston!”

That’s the result of me typing these notes quickly as I watch (since I do screenshots and synopsis at the same time, and very rarely do I stop to edit what I said, just to keep the brain juices flowing and not have to take all week to finish one movie). I’d have caught it and fixed it, but now, let’s keep it and pretend it was meant to be that way.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1949

“And you knew that they were gonna drag your daughters into a soccer stadium? For execution?”

Colin:

Better than dragging them in for a soccer game, am I right? WOO! USA! USA! USA!

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1950

Drink?

Colin:

Is that rhetorical?

“And you could just stop it, with the flick of a switch? Would you?”

Like, by turning out all the lights in the stadium?

Or like, by shooting himself in the head?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1951

“Would you all?”

“Not if it was your switch.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1952

Colin:

WHOA. Buddy. You can be as defiant as you wish, but that’s disrespectful to good champagne. Here’s how you do it: DOWN the champagne in one swig, and then tell him to fuck himself.

You can tell purely by Agutter’s stance that some shit is about to go down.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1953

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1954

Colin:

Faces.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1955

Colin:

WAIT! I just realized that this is the Indian guy from Matrix Revolutions! It’s the tiny Indian girl’s father! YES!

Talk about some karma.

I hope he turns into Hugo Weaving.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1956

Damn, Agutter with the legs!

Colin:

Wait. What?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1957

Colin:

Face/Punch.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1958

Not that we don’t know who this is, that just gave it away.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1959

Spit.

Colin:

What the fuck?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1960

That’s clearly Scarlett Johansson, in-story, but how about Jenny Agutter kicking some ass without a stunt double for most of this?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1961

In heels.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1962

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1963

Indian guy’s face is priceless.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1964

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1965

Colin:

What in the fuck?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1966

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1967

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1968

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1969

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1970

So what is that thing? That’s something? You can do that? What the fuck is happening right now? You can’t just have shit and expect is to go, “… technology,” and accept it.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1971

“I’m sorry.”

Colin:

Oh. Right. Of course. She hasn’t been around. So of course she had to be around. My mistake for not paying attention. But still, where’s Jenny? And why did Scarlett not make that suit look hotter? And how about how her lips went from yay big to like BAM?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1972

“Did I step on your moment?”

What a shitty line.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1973

Did you steal her watch too? Is she gonna get that back?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1974

Robert Redford’s face looks like a crumpled piece of paper after you try to put it back to its original size.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1975

Those planes look like little boils on top of those helicarriers.

Anyway, back to the movie.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1976

Colin:

This Falcon suit is way over the top. I’m not into it and I don’t get it.

It’s also one of the biggest CGI parts of this movie. No Falcon, and I’d have been happier. Maybe if he was just a regular guy, or even a guy who could pilot these hover things.

Or if his super power wasn’t just having a pair of fucking mechanical wings.

How are they not shooting him in the face right now? You can only pilot so well.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1977

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1978

Over the capital, by the way.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1979

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1980

There’s no way they all miss like that.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1981

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1982

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1983

Red was not a good color choice for this close up.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1984

Just grab onto his leg and hold, and he’s done.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1985

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1986

Shoot the wings.

Also, doesn’t that plane look like a cartoon frog face?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1987

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1988

“All right, Cap, I’m in.”

What? No you’re not. That’s fucking preposterous.

Colin:

You’re on. It’s on. You’re on it. I don’t know. Lines.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1989

So Bucky’s just chilling on one of these ships, waiting for the boss battle. And it’s conveniently gonna be the exact one Cap is on, too. Great how that worked out.

Colin:

You can’t really question these things anymore. At least Star Wars gave us presence sensing and stuff.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1990

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1991

I still can’t believe this is happening. He’s not a fucking superhero.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1992

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1993

Way to help yourself, guy. Just shoot up your own planes.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1994

See? You’re not in.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1995

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1996

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1997

Okay.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1998

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 1999

Colin:

Notice how this is exactly the same shot as those shots that Natasha fired at Bucky’s mask?

Why is that glass not more bulletproof?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2000

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2001

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2002

There’s only one pair of those wings left, he said. So, as soon as those get shot or stop working, he stops being a superhero.

Unless they’re gonna write a line that says Stark made more of them for him.

Colin:

Of course that’s going to happen.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2003

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2004

“8 minutes, Cap.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2005

“Working on it.”

I like how he said 8 minutes like he already finished his objective. Motherfucker, we all know we’re on a deadline. Handle your shit before you start reminding other people about their shit.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2006

Why not just punch him in the face and not punch the shield? Are the reverberations stronger or something?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2007

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2008

I bet that smarts.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2009

“Bye, Felicia!”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2010

If this didn’t happen under duress, and he calmly entered into this door with all those bodies strewn behind him, this would have been a top ten shot.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2011

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2012

Does no one see him sneaking these glances?

Colin:

Is there a donut on the table? What’s he looking at? Is it a donut?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2013

“What are you doing?”

That’s a lot of champagne you guys haven’t drank.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2014

“She’s disabling security protocols and dumping all the secrets onto the internet.”

Colin:

She’s putting all their shit on Reddit, no doubt.

How does he know that? The first part, sure. How do you know she’s putting everything online?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2015

“Including HYDRA’s.”

“And SHIELD’s.”

That is a part of all the secrets.

I like how bad guys think they can remind people of what they’re doing as if it’ll change something. “You know you’re fucking your side over too.” “Oh, well really? Shit, let me rethink this, then.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2016

“If you do this, none of your past is gonna remain hidden.”

Is it hidden now? Even if it’s out there, no one knows who the fuck she is anyway.

Colin:

What’s so bad about her past that she can’t be seen? This is that moment where she has to look up like a badass and say something like, “My soul is prepared! How’s yours?”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2017

Colin:

How does she know the code to open that? Take your time. I’m here all week.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2018

“Are you sure you’re ready for the world to see you as you really are?”

“Are you?”

Colin:

Why would you not have programmed the chips to make the helicarriers target each other, thereby making it possible to take down all three without necessarily securing all three chips in place? Take your time. I’m here all week.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2019

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2020

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2021

Good place for a boss fight.

Colin:

Wouldn’t they launch more than one of their hover aircraft to take him out, or at least use manual controls to shoot him with the lasers on the bottom of the carrier? Take your time. I’m here all week.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2022

Of course you don’t put a guy down here to watch this stuff. Because why would you do that?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2023

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2024

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2025

Well he finished his objective pretty quickly.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2026

Two more to go.

Mackie should get his. But who gets the third?

Colin:

Yeah, now that they have two, they could totally have them kill the third and then fuck up each other and they’re done.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2027

What I don’t get is why they need all three (aside from The Plot). Do the other two override the third? Because it looks like your signal is already fucked up in the triangulation. Honestly, fuck it, let’s just get this over with.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2028

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2029

This could be from The Matrix and you’d never know.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2030

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2031

That’s a lot of missiles being fired at once.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2032

You don’t survive this. Unless they’re not homing, in which case fold up the wings and drop a couple hundred feet.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2033

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2034

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2035

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2036

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2037

And there’s the wooo. There’s always one.

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2039

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2040

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2041

Sure.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2042

Two down.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2043

And somehow Bucky isn’t protecting any of these either.

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2045

They’re the only air support Cap’s got.

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2049

Colin:

Wait, he was on the carrier this whole time? Where’s his retinue? His gun guy and his grenade launcher guy?

He had to kill them. You know how it is.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2050

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2051

And… that.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2052

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2053

The Jeter throw.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2054

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2055

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2056

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2057

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2058

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2059

Well he just got annihilated.

Colin:

HOLY FUCK. Was this not rated R? He just shot a man in the neck, blew up an airplane and then threw a man through a turbine in like….3 seconds. HOW WAS THIS PG-13?! How was that two full ratings below a little lesbian action?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2060

Why is he not wearing a mask anymore? He wore it the first three times we saw him. And then it fell off. And now it’s gone. Did he only own one mask? Does he not have a mask guy? Seems like the only reason the mask is gone is because we know who he is now. Maybe you should have had him wear the mask and have it come off early so it would make sense. Is the only reason he had the mask on in the first place The Plot? Take your time, we’re here all week.

Also, everyone should have a mask guy. And a gun guy. And a grenade launcher guy.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2061

Are you gonna turn into an agent? Or get courage all of a sudden, and do something heroic and then die?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2062

Nope, just gonna get shot in the head.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2063

So if you shot him in the head through that, wouldn’t that fuck up its ability to fly? Or is it just low speeds and all that?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2064

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2065

You look like you’re having so much fun.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2066

Colin:

He knows how to fly that, cause…whatever?

Didn’t Tank load the flight program?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2067

“Disabling the encryption is an executive order. It takes two alpha level members.”

How many alpha level members are there? Maybe explain what an alpha level memeber is. Because at this point, we can only assume it’s Fury. Though not even assume. We know it’s Fury. Because we know he’s alive. This was a poorly handled moment. It’s a reveal-less reveal.

Colin:

I like that they’re keeping him alive to comment on what’s going on. You’d think they’d at least have him in handcuffs by now.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2068

“Don’t worry, company’s coming.”

HOUSE PARTY!

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2069

Is that guy on the floor dead? Because he really shouldn’t still be unconscious.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2070

Colin:

How was this timed? What if he’d showed up early? Did she call him? Where’s Jenny Agutter right now? Why doesn’t anyone ask about where she is?

Good question. I’m assuming it has something to do with that “ride from the airport” that Scarlett was bitching about before as her. I’d hope so, anyway, because that would be nice and subtle. The ride from the airport was less than lovely because she got kidnapped. Or maybe they just sent her back on her way ad explained shit to her. Or put her in an Incredible Hulk cab, which would be Colin’s favorite potential scenario.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2071

Aww, yeah, motherfucker, guess who’s back?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2072

Colin:

What a reveal! Nick was alive this whole time!

Here’s something I hit upon as I was writing up my final thoughts for this movie. I’m gonna write it here essentially again, even though you’ll be reading this first. The other time was literally off the top of my head as I thought of it. This will be more polished. Still, the question stands.

Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if you didn’t reveal Fury was alive until just this moment?

So they get caught and they’re in the truck. Hill shows up and you get that moment. That’s cool. That’s a nice little reveal. Then they recoup in that bunker thing because that’s the only place they can meet up because all the other SHIELD places are compromised. Now, it’s just Hill, Cap, Mackie and Natasha. And maybe a few random people, but they don’t talk much, so who cares. But now it’s just them, and they have to sit down and make real decisions about what to do and who to trust. Fury isn’t there to guide them. They have to decide if they think Fury was telling the truth, if the Zola computer actually knew what it was talking about, and to what extent it was being truthful. The missile was because they put the flash drive in. That doesn’t have to be related to Zola’s thing. So the question is — is SHIELD actually HYDRA? And if so, how much? Did Fury know this, or did he think something else was going on? Is Pierce in on it? Maybe he’s not. And they have to decide if they’re gonna wage a war on SHIELD without having all the facts first.

Because in this scenario — we know in our hearts, and they do to, that Fury is right and is a good guy. But we don’t know how much of a good guy he is. Maybe he still was gonna launch Insight and the only thing he didn’t know was that HYDRA was sabotaging it. And then we don’t know if Pierce is evil and is HYDRA or if he’s just misguided. The question becomes — how much of SHIELD are we destroying with this? Is HYDRA 70% of SHIELD? 30%? Just 12 guys? Is it top level? What are we actually going to do if we go through with this? They gloss over that whole possibility with the “it all goes” exchange, which really just passes over a very interesting dynamic that’s at play.

And, because I love Robert Redford and was so heartbroken to see him subjected to saying the words “Hail HYDRA” on screen — what if Pierce is actually just trying to do the right thing? Maybe he thought Fury was fucking up his plan and had him killed because he was so blind to his cause of making the world a better place. So he’s an antagonist, but not the villain? And then HYDRA shows up and he’s like, “Oh man, I fucked up.” And he can still die and you can have all of that. Isn’t that a much more interesting scenario? You don’t have to change much, and yet you end up with a much more interesting movie that isn’t more interested in getting to the action than it is in telling a good story with the action to punctuate it.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2073

Colin:

But seriously. There are more reveals in this franchise for characters than there are for us.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2074

Colin:

They really milk these moments of Samuel L. Jackson glaring at people, and I don’t mind at all. Good for them. I will always advocate for the over-use of the talents of a great actor in a bad-to-mediocre movie. Movie’s not great, but you’ve got Sam Jackson to glare at people? Great. That only applies when the character is defined and being used correctly. So Ben Kingsley in Iron Man 3 only pissed me off.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2075

That face.

Colin:

See? We all know who Sam is and what he’s here to do. Remember? “I Kinda Just Want the Subtitle to be Samuel L. Jackson’s Face.”

 

Django Unchained - 153

This has been my banner photo on Facebook and Twitter for like two years now.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 915

Also, this is the face that begat that subtitle.

There should be three tumblrs: Samuel L. Jackson Glaring at People, Keanu Reeves Looking at Inanimate Objects, and Nicolas Cage Acting.

Fun side story: when I first got the idea of starting this blog, I had only a handful of things I wanted to write on it. The Oscar Quest was the obvious one. And How to Read a Hollywood Release was another one. And there were two or three more. The other one, which never fully materialized, was a series of articles called What’s My Cage Again? which was originally going to be a defense of Nicolas Cage as an actor. But then it was going to be, “I’m gonna watch every single performance he’s ever given and analyze the movie.” Much like Fun with Franchises, but just for Nicolas Cage. It never happened, but that would have been fun. Maybe one day if I get paid to do that, I’ll do it. So anyone out there looking to give me money to watch Nicolas Cage movies, you’ll get your money’s worth.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2076

“Did you get my flowers?”

Colin:

That flowers line. This guy doesn’t give a FUCK. That was amazing. I put this movie up there for that line. 

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2077

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

Especially when the face is unchanged. God do we love Sam Jackson.

Kulsheov really missed the boat by not cutting to a black guy scowling.

Can we do a series of Alternative Kulsehovs? Where we put random shit like that instead? Samuel L. Jackson glaring, Keanu Reeves looking blank — this:

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2078

“I’m glad you’re here, Nick.”

“Really? Because I thought you had me killed.”

He can be glad it didn’t take.

“You know how the game works.”

He does. He should be cooler about this than he is. But if he’s gonna glare, I’m good.

“So why make me head of SHIELD?”

“Because you’re the best. And the most ruthless person I ever met.”

See? He has priorities, even though he’s HYDRA. You could still do what I said.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2079

“I did what I did to protect people.”

“Our enemies are your enemies, Nick. Disorder, war. It’s just a matter of time before a dirty bomb goes off in Moscow or an EMP fries Chicago.”

Don’t say “our.”

“Diplomacy? Holding action, Nick A band aid. And you know where I learned that. Bogota.”

Yeah, the one story we heard is the story that’s the reason you’re doing this.

Write better, Marvel.

Colin:

This is the ending scene where stuff is supposed to be sort of explained by the bad guy to people who don’t know what’s happening. Redford is the Cliff Robertson. And no, I’m not talking about Charly. Redford is supposed to be giving some of the reveal now and showing how twisted the whole plot has been. Your climax is not action, it’s the danger that information poses.

We’re about to have a battle with three helicarriers, and it’s never going to get me as frightened as I got when a car pulled up alongside Redford in Three Days of the Condor. Seriously, people, watch the absolute shit out of that movie and recognize how this relatively great Marvel film is drivel in comparison.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2080

“You didn’t ask. You just did what had to be done. I can bring order to the lives of seven billion people. By sacrificing 20 million. It’s the next step, Nick. If you have the courage to take it.”

Killing 20 million to save 7 billion. That’s… yeah, we’re off the rails.

Colin:

I mean, we already got all the motivations, so I don’t know why this scene is happening. But whatever, I’ll listen to Redford talk. I’m still astounded he’s even in this movie. Couldn’t they have run him better?

It’s Marvel. No. No they could not.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2081

“No, I have the courage not to.”

Legitimately good line. I wish the lines around it were better.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2082

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2083

“You don’t think we wiped your clearance from the system?”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2084

“I know you erased my password. Probably deleted my retinal scan. But if you wanna stay ahead of me, Mr. Secretary–”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2085

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2086

“You need to keep both eyes open.”

What? “Deleted retinal scan” means — gone. Why is the other one still in the computer?

Colin:

What, they erased his good eye, but not the bad one? For that matter, what happened when he was taken away? Did SHIELD not do an autopsy? How did he get to the underground facility? Who took him there? 

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2087

I wish they were in a better movie together.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2088

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2089

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2090

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2091

Colin:

More digital screens, cause what the fuck ever, huh?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2092

Remember Snatch? That opening scene on the monitors was amazing.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2093

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2094

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2095

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2096

“Six minutes.”

Colin:

Hill’s in this movie to break them out of jail and sit in front of a screen with a countdown clock. Her role is like the film equivalent of white teenagers going to volunteer in developing countries. There’s visual documentation that you were there and you probably feel great about it, but what did you really do? And it’s not her fault at all.

I do like that moment. Her calmly going back and killing the guy’s breaking on. Though now the door is open and anyone else can come in. Why did they only send two guys, again?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2097

“Hey Sam, go to your right.”

What’s with the southern accent?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2098

Look at that asshole’s face.

Colin:

So back to action. Action movies need to switch back and forth constantly. Just once, an action movie with a single focus of action going on that we don’t leave for the last 20 minutes.

Why is the guy with the rocket launcher sticking his tongue out like that?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2099

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2100

He just tally ho’d away from a rocket.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2101

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2102

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2103

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2104

Colin:

Are we concerned about this? Should we be?

You guys remember The Matrix?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2105

Faces.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2106

Gonna pat myself on the back for this shot.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2107

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2108

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2109

“Let me know when you’re ready.”

“I just did.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2110

And now enter Bucky. Cap stalls while Sam finishes the deal. Come on, come on, we’re way too predictable.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2111

Yup.

There’s that Jack White looking motherfucker.

Colin:

I’m amazed I didn’t make that comparison already. He really looks like Jack White.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2112

Colin:

Well there’s a kick to the chest.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2113

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2114

Colin:

The Falcon suit is dumb. Bucky’ll mess it up for sure.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2115

A HA HA I love that he’s treating him like a piece of tape stuck to his finger.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2116

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2117

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2118

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2119

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2120

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2121

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2122

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2123

You had that?

Colin:

Bullshit.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2124

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2125

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2126

See? No longer a superhero.

Colin:

And there you go. Not that this fight or that suit make any sense, but there you go.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2127

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2128

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2129

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2130

Take those broken wings and learn to fly.

(Well… blackbird…)

Colin:

I hadn’t realized until this moment how happy I am that his character is not called Blackbird. 

The amount of things we’d have had to say about that…

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2131

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2132

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2133

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2134

Sure you had a parachute. Sure you did.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2135

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2136

Convenient.

Colin:

Good thing he had a whole parachute in there with all those cyborg wing parts and that engine and stuff.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2137

He’s out.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2138

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2139

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2140

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2141

So now it’s down to boss fight. And he’s gotta put the chip in.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2142

Colin:

These people are all running in different directions. Mayhem usually goes in one or two directions, maximum.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2143

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2144

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2145

That dude shit his pants.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2146

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2147

Colin:

This guy knows how to operate. Silence, then stabbing.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2148

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2149

Oh, so that gives him something to do.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2150

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2151

There’s only one reason you stop.

Colin:

Weird how he stops like that and has that look of recognition even though Bucky’s been standing there and he’s been running down this catwalk for like 100 feet already.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2152

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2153

That’s the reason.

Two things: no way he gets down there quicker than Cap gets up there. And how does he know what Cap’s plan is?

Okay, that’s all.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2154

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2155

“People are gonna die, Buck.”

Colin:

Why doesn’t he do more of the name repetition and try to bring him back? Nah? Cause the plot wants a fight? Okay.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2156

“I can’t let that happen.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2157

“Please don’t make me do this.”

How about you make a deal? Let me put the chip in, and then we can fight, and you can kill me. His only objective is to kill Captain America. He knows nothing about this Insight bullshit.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2158

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2159

Angles.

Also, GoldenEye. Again.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2160

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2161

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2162

Wow, that was dumb.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2163

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2167

Colin:

Well, once you have TWO guns, you just shoot him in the foot.

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2169

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2170

West Side Story.

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2175

Here’s my mad face.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2176

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2177

Colin:

Wait, now that the algorithm chip is out, why does he even need to replace it with the good guy chip? We’ve got two carriers under control and one with no algorithm. Tell me how this is lost if that chip doesn’t go in.

The Plot.

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You can tell his objective isn’t stopping this, because he can just crush the chip right now and it’s over.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2187

Colin:

Who designed this? Can I be the one to tell you? You were high as fuck when you thought this up.

A little bit.

They’re behind the guns, right? Is that it? They put the thing that controls the guns behind the guns because that’s where it’s safe? Maybe?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2188

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2189

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2190

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2191

Is this not longer than 8 minutes?

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2193

Colin:

I guess we have to go get it.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2194

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2198

“Done. And it’s trending.”

Colin:

Yeah, right. I bet you could drop all that data and nobody would know what the fuck was going on until Anderson Cooper made it to page 40.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2199

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2200

Colin:

Did I not say they’d be bomb pins? Of course the pins are bad. No blood, strangely.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2201

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2202

“Unless you want a two inch hole in your sternum, I’d put that gun down.”

So does that mean the other two are dead? Did he just kill the security council? And that button controls which of the pins go off?

Colin:

This is why when I’m president nobody gets anything. There’s too much dignity to this process. If you’re a high-level espionage threat like this guy and I catch you? You’re butt naked and I’m knocking all your teeth out before we can calm down. You don’t get to hold a phone or a pen or nothing. I kill my problems and I disarm my prisoners. I think we can be sure that I’m the type who covers his bases.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2203

“That was armed the moment you pinned it on.”

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2204

Colin:

Why doesn’t Samuel shoot her? And isn’t this millions of lives ostensibly at stake? And isn’t her story out there now? So…why not shoot him and end it?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2205

What’s on his wrist?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2206

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2209

Sturdy glass.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2210

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Colin:

More fighting? This isn’t as interesting anymore. The location kinda ruins it. He needs to have a showdown that isn’t in a flying death machine.

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Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2221

Really sturdy glass.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2222

I like when people pull knives out of them.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2223

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2224

So now you care about that?

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2225

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Colin:

Those teeth are less perfect.

Russia.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2227

Colin:

Look at this. This is nothing compared with Redford and Cliff Robertson talking outside The New York Times as a brass band and choir perform God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2228

Real sturdy glass.

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2229

Captain America The Winter Soldier - 2230

Is he holding the chip? Crush it.

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Somehow no one else is on this ship.

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Not much I can say about this.

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“I’m on 41, headed toward the southwest stairwell.”

So, Pierce is on 41, Fury’s on level 1?

Also, this is like Silph Co.

Colin:

Oh shit, is there another Pokemon game coming out soon? Probably not. They need to make another remake of the first generation. The 3DS version of Red and Blue. Or Fire Red and Leaf Green. Whichever.

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Colin:

Sam’s a badass like that? Good thing you happened upon the recent vet who happens to fly a superhero suit already and can handle hand-to-hand combat with special forces.

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“Let’s hug it out!”

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“This is gonna hurt.”

Colin:

This white guy standing over a panting black guy, explaining how “this is gonna hurt.” If that’s not a slavery thing, it’s a prison rape thing. And I don’t know which I would rather it be. Marvel, you guys have issues.

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“There are no prisoners with HYDRA. Just order. And order only comes from pain. You ready for yours?”

Why are you monologuing?

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“Man, shut the hell up.”

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Rocky III.

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A minute to go.

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30 seconds.

Colin:

Is Redford watching her constantly? Can’t she take off the jacket quietly when he isn’t looking? Don’t we all want to see that anyway? Why can’t you give me what I want?

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Colin:

This is supposed to look like a gross millipede or something, right? Why did the weapons array have to be so gross and insect-like?

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Is he actually wearing the gloves from 1944?

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Not even gonna say anything.

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Colin:

You just choked out the guy and it looked like he was dead, but since this is Marvel, he’s alive again. Marvel movies should really be classified in the zombie genre, considering how hard it is keep people dead.

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