Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Part I — “I Know A Little About How Colors Work”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the first part of Guardians of the Galaxy.

Guardians of the Galaxy - Title Card

We begin with the smooth sounds of 10cc’s “I’m Not In Love.”

Colin:

Oh man, guys. This is a momentous occasion. This is the last Marvel movie we’re covering, and it’s the first I had never seen before Fun with Franchises. Okay, technically I hadn’t seen Thor: The Dark World either, but between you and me, I’m pretending it never existed.

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The year I was born.

But not the planet.

Colin:

We’re starting in 1988. Mike was born in 1988. I was born in 1989. I don’t really know what happened in 1988, cause I wasn’t there. Rain Man? The Seoul Olympics? Off the top of my head, those are the things I can think of. That was 1988. Is this movie going to have something to do with autism and the Seoul Olympics? Cause that would be most welcome. Wait! Coming to America! Someone must be coming to America in this movie.

Die Hard is 1988.

As is Arthur 2: On the Rocks.

Also, is this the first time Marvel didn’t begin with their logo?

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I know this is the first time they started with something that’s not some bullshit establishing shot. This is actually a memorable image from the film.

Colin:

I’m Not in Love? Isn’t that 10cc? From the 70s? Ah, it’d be like me listening to Nelly. Which, yeah, I do, cause Hot in Herre.

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Those are some crazy headphones you have there, kid.

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This is the quickest way to make you identify with a character. We’ve all been that kid.

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Gregg Henry! Love seeing this guy in movies. From all the way back to Payback (which he was great in).

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“Peter.”

There’s a Mexican flag there. Which means this is either California or Texas. Or maybe Arizona. Because there is not a Mexican flag sitting on the desk of a hospital in the midwest. And New York is the Puerto Rican flag. They don’t specify where on Earth, but that flag is a dead giveaway.

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“Your mama wants to speak with you.”

Is she gonna tell him that life is a box of chocolates?

Colin:

Does this movie start with a child experiencing the death of his mother? Is this his dad, or is he a non-parent? Is this kid going to be an orphan? Is that what the “Guardians” is referring to? Legal guardians? Is there thing just finding orphaned kids around the galaxy and giving them powers? Cause orphans should never be given powers, as we’ve learned from Fun with Franchises.

Legal Guardians of the Galaxy.

The second movie is gonna be all about an emancipation hearing. The Kramer vs. Kramer of comic book movies.

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“Come on, Pete. Let’s take these fool things off.”

They do look pretty fool.

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Perfect non-use of dialogue.

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This is another way to get you to feel for a character quickly and efficiently.

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Holy shit, mom looks like E.T.

Colin:

E.T. the Extra Terminal?

Seriously, though, what’s with the hair? Her head is freshly shaved. Usually they do that at the start of all the chemo. There’s no way she’s dying that quickly after having her head shaved. They wouldn’t even bother with the treatment if that was the case.

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Look at this kid.

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“Why have you been fighting with the other boys again, baby?”

That’s what you want to ask on the way out?

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“They killed a little frog that ain’t done nothing.”

How do you know? Maybe that frog was an asshole.

“Smushed it with a stick.”

Colin:

Look at this random 80s lady in the back. Someone had to cast a woman to be a sad 80s woman in the hospital. Can you imagine explaining that motivation? “So you’re really bummed about your friend dying, because she’s been really close to you and you’ve been there for her while she does the whole single mom thing, and on top of all this, Bon Jovi’s album New Jersey was just released, and you’re really relating to the lyrics of Blood on Blood right now.”

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Don’t cut in closer. I don’t need to see Cuato bigger.

“You’re so like your daddy.”

You need some chapstick.

Also, his daddy is an alien.

“You even look like him.”

Colin:

She wouldn’t be telling him he looked like his dad unless his dad was long gone. Son of a bitch, this kid is going to be a fucking orphan. The minute Sinead O’Cancer dies.

Dad gave a whole new meaning to going out for a pack of smokes. Motherfucker went to space. Ever wanna get out of a relationship so bad you went to space?

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy?

Because he looks like a fucking goon?

“And he was an angel.”

Because he came down from the sky in a beam of light, fucked you and disappeared forever?

Colin:

Was his jizz radioactive? Is that what caused this?

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“Composed out of pure light.”

See?

Do you think he jizzed colors?

Roy G. Biv’ed all over her face?

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“Mary—”

He said, to try to save the universe building for another time.

Colin:

It’s 1988, so the only explanations I can think of for her death are a paper cut or Hans Gruber.

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“You got a present there for Peter, don’t you?”

A predisposition to cancer?

Also, what’s going on here? Why is he sitting in the waiting room while his mother dies? Why are they treating this like they’re not close? This is weird. Most kids are generally around parents as they’re dying. I think they’d have explained this to him before. But they’re treating this like it’s awkward.

Sure, maybe she’s too weak to remember the present or whatever — also, one, to get it out of the way, what a shitty present. “Hey, I’m dying, so listen to this music rather than get an inheritance.” Also, how did she make that tape? Dictated the song list and had someone else do it? “Hey nurse, get in here, stat. I need to know if I should go Bee Gees or Toni Basil for track number 16.” The whole vibe is bizarre. The kid is never gonna see his mother again. Let him spend some fucking time with her. While the rest of you gather around her like it’s Eyes Wide Shut.

“Of course.”

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The present was THERE the whole time?! How’d you forget about it?

You wrap pretty good for a dying chick.

Colin:

But can she RAP pretty good for a dying chick?

How’s her head game? Out of curiosity.

Oh, and I guess we’ll say – you can tell the sign of charming movie when you immediately know what the gift is, and when they reveal it, you’re totally fine with it.

Also, look at those sheets – they just feel like slow death. Put Batman sheets in a hospital bed. Make it feel like it’s more festive. As opposed to sterile and only there until you leave underneath them.

Colin:

When I got hit by a car, they took me to the children’s hospital and I saw the butterfly stickers on the fluorescent lights as they wheeled me in. Couldn’t help myself, and I said, “Fucking butterflies?” and the EMT guys told me to watch my language around the kids. Good to know you’re a snarky asshole in dire circumstances as well.

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Really? He wouldn’t even take the present from mom?

Or is Grandpa making sure he doesn’t have to touch Skeletor?

Colin:

Is it weird for Grandpa to hear his daughter talk about fucking a light bulb or whatever?

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YOINK! She can’t put up a fight if she’s dying of cancer!

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See that? All she could do was lift a finger.

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“I got you covered, Pete.”

This felt like a wonderful Grandpa thing to do. I was a big fan of this moment.

Colin:

That is a touching moment. More of this stuff.

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And it also makes it easier to explain how he has it with him later on.

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“You open it up when I’m gone, okay?”

Not now, when you could share in his joy?

I know it’s supposed to be revelatory and all that, and provide him all the sagely advice he’s gonna need in life that he apparently hasn’t gotten until now, but you could just make it like he can’t open it now and she just tells him to open it when he’s ready. Or it could just naturally happen like that. But maybe I’m just quibbling on a small logic issue.

Colin:

Fucked up that she’s like, “That’s a present, but only for when I’m dead. That’s something to look forward to, huh?”

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He looks like the guy from The Newsroom.

Especially when he makes that face.

Colin:

He means Dev Patel.

“Your grandpa is gonna take such good care of you.”

Like, out back, with a shovel?

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Yes, that is Grandpa. We got it.

I like the green and yellow thing going on. The red is muted, but that’s also nice. Good use of color.

Also, grandpa is not gonna take such good care of him.

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Colin:

Snoopy card!

Who’s the asshole who got her a Snoopy card while she’s dying?

“At least until your daddy comes back to get you.”

Which will be… soon.

Kinda.

Colin:

Dad’s coming back? So he’s not a proper orphan? There’s hope yet.

He also isn’t given powers. Which is why he’s technically not an orphan.

Which begs the question… does dad know mom is dying? Or is this all just gonna be coincidental? That would have been fucked up if dad was like, “You know… that kid was pretty cool. Let’s steal him.” Because that’s what would have happened if mom wasn’t dying. Though maybe he was watching over him and knew mom was dying. Too bad this didn’t turn into the Paper Moon of superhero movies.

Also, why doesn’t mom tell him anything about dad? That seems kinda weird, that she fucked Captain Kirk (sort of, right?) and just never mentioned it before she died.

Oh, and why are they letting her speak so much? Someone this dying shouldn’t be talking this much. They don’t have that much energy.

Colin:

Movies are funny this way. One minute you’re making soup, the next you’re disappearing into the Force.

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Her right tit is pulsating.

Norm

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“Take my hand.”

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“Eww, I don’t wanna touch that, that’s cancer hand.”

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“Peter.”

You look like fucking Gollum. You know you do.

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“Pete, come on.”

Come on, Pete. Touch the cancer hand so my country can be free.

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“Take my hand.”

Colin:

A HAHAHAHAHAHA I’m sorry, I know the kid’s mom is dead and it’s supposed to be touching, but all I can think of is this.

Seriously, Walk Hard is an awesome movie. Give it the credit it deserves.

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Aww, you just killed mom.

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Flatlining shots are the key to tragedy.

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Oh, well now don’t you feel like an asshole?

Probably not as much as the girl in the denim jacket back there, but close.

Colin:

Now she’s thinking about the song Bad Medicine from Bon Jovi’s New Jersey.

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PULL OUT THE HEART PADDLES AND SHOCK HER!

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Boy, aren’t you a great doctor.

Where the fuck is this hospital? I’ve seen exactly two medical practitioners in this place.

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Is he running to get the blue shit? He’s got a lot of blue shit in his future.

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Optimus.

Colin:

Screaming children. I never had to scream as a child. I would have be reprimanded anyway.

You gotta admit, this is really effective. This is the best emotional set up for any Marvel character they’ve ever had. And we’re not even three minutes into the movie. The only other character who comes close in terms of set up is Steve Rogers. Stark doesn’t really count because it’s not emotional set up, but he is the only other character where you’re completely with him within three minutes. Stark, all it takes is AC/DC, a drink in his hand, and like, three lines of dialogue. So it’s him and Quill, in terms of most efficient character set up.

Colin:

I still prefer the booze.

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“You have to stay here. Please.”

Just let him watch his mother die. He already saw the hard part.

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He also doesn’t look like he’s gonna stay there.

You should probably stay with him. Since what are you gonna accomplish watching your daughter die?

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“Okay?”

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Really? That’s it. You really are making a big assumption about his desire to obey authority.

Colin:

Why is this in slow motion?

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The slow track out. The best way to show a character has just lost everything.

Colin:

Why is this shot of the kid not a reverse tracking shot?

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Pretty sure they did that with Bruce Wayne in the alleyway.

Though unlike that, this isn’t his fault.

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Why is he standing like Kevin Spacey when he entered the police station covered in blood?

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He runs like a little bitch.

Nice use of the 80s Pepsi logo, though. That’s top notch production design.

Colin:

Wow, I remember those. That’s a trip. I also remember getting back lunches with Fruitopia.

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DOES NO ONE WORK HERE?!!

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Jesus, where is this hospital? In an American Werewolf in London?

Colin:

This kid’s about to get werewolf’ed.

(Everyone praise us for both thinking that.)

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Why’d you stop?

(The plot.)

Colin:

I know you’re a kid, but that’s dumb. What’d you think was gonna happen? She could barely talk, and then you refused to take her hand. Franchise women in the best of heath have been known to expire when their feelings are sufficiently hurt, and this one was already on the edge when you spurned her.

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Is he gonna raise his hands to the sky and curse the heavens?

Because that’s what he should do.

If he had a gun, he could fire that angrily.

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Musical number!

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GPOY

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No? Not a musical number?

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Weird that no one is noticing this happen right outside the window.

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This is how Keanu got unplugged.

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What if the spaceship just peed on him?

That would be awesome.

What would you remember more from that day, that your mother died or that a spaceship peed on you?

Colin:

Would it be hydraulic fluid or something?

Not if they dumped the waste canister.

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Colin:

I enjoy that the kid is still bawling as he gets sucked up by a tractor beam. He’s less shocked and more annoyed that this spaceship is interrupting his moment of grief.

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Green, yellow and red seems to be the chosen color palette of this film.

I’m down with that.

Colin:

I’m pretty good with any color palette that isn’t just darkness.

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And that’s the end of the movie!

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HA HA. That was a great transition shot.

(We’re back to the bullshit Marvel logo, by the way.)

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Is that a Black Panther dick rocket?

Colin:

There’s a character named Black Panther who has a dick rocket?

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Titties!

Colin:

Fucking nerds.

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Is that panel on the left someone saying, “The fuck –?!”

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Is it me or is this logo getting longer?

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My thoughts exactly, speech bubble.

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Colin:

Hey, look. The UN building.

Ah, Mumbai.

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Is that Apocalypse?

Because that looks like Apocalypse.

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Red white and blue. Fuck you.

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Oh, and the glint? Double fuck you.

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And now we’re in space.

Colin:

Hooray. A planet.

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That much time later.

Colin:

The titles are at least limited to the dates, which is good.

So… 2014.

So really, this movie begins when I was born, and fast-forwards to today.

Is it implying that nothing in my life in between mattered?

Colin:

Well, nothing except that time you had that shopping cart full of jungle juice.

Which is just about the equivalent of Iron Man in relation to the time jump.

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Morag sounds like what you call the ugly friend who tagged along that you need to get rid of so you can fuck the hot chick.

Colin:

Spoke too soon. It’s Marvel. You always speak too soon, unless you speak of shit.

And it’s an abandoned planet? Can someone turn it into like…the Gerald Field of planets?

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Why is this place abandoned? It looks like such a warm, hospitable place.

Like North Korea.

Colin:

North Korea is totally our Mordor. Just less competent.

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So when Marvel’s name showed up, the planet jizzed?

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Colin:

This is giving me 90s sci-fi vibes.

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Is he a Jawa?

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Colin:

Zoe Saldana’s in this? Does she have blue space titties in this too?

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This looks like the shitty version of What Dreams May Come.

Colin:

I’ll never forgive that movie for using a vintage 911 to kill Robin Williams.

There wasn’t a plane cr… oh, I got it.

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Colin:

I didn’t even know Bradley Cooper was in this, either. He’s just in stuff now. He’s in every movie.

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Is that a Dragonball detector? (Does that have a name?)

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Colin:

Wait, John C. Reilly is IN this movie? I really need to go watch Walk Hard. As do all of you. Just as I was losing hope that there would be a “and John Rhys-Davies,” or the equivalent of what that was for Last Crusade…I’m pleased with the cast so far.

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Colin:

Glen Close? Oh no. Just when I thought I was done with Garp references.

The World According to Groot

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So that thing shows you what the place used to look like?

Colin:

The fuck is this thing he whipped out? Who is this guy? Is this hologram showing what used to be here so he can find where he’s going?

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That thing is a Dragonball detector.

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They never explain why he’s here or why he’s come for this, do they?

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This is pretty CG.

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Colin:

Why is this place Earth-like? It’s not Earth, unless this is an alternate universe in which Earth is done and the movie is about unfucking it.

Why was this thing left here?

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Hey kids, it’s Chris Pratt.

With a weird little Bluetooth mask that allows him to walk through space without a spacesuit. Or apparent repercussions. Since the entire top of his head was completely exposed there. Seems he can breathe on this planet (which is interesting, considering it’s abandoned), but it’ll become an issue eventually.

Colin:

Helmets don’t do that.

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How simple it is to connect the opening scene to now.

Colin:

So it’s him? Why does he have battery?

Space Radio Shack.

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And now for the most inspired song choice in the movie, Redbone’s “Come and Get Your Love.”

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Colin:

He’s dancing like Bridges did in the dream sequence of Lebowski.

Logjammin’ sounds like something Groot would be doing.

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And a fucking brilliant spot for a title card.

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Tell me when you saw this, you weren’t immediately smiling by this point. I hate Marvel, and I was practically giddy when this happened.

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Colin:

He’s punting space rats. That’s great. Already on my good side.

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Colin:

He’s lip syncing to Redbone with a space rat for a microphone. Good.

Good moment to have a credit for a VFX producer.

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He didn’t have that in his hand a second ago.

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Colin:

I’m not against this credits sequence, considering that it’s just a guy jamming out.

This is what Marvel needed to do. It really lost the sense of fun in all the movies since Iron Man.

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I’m sure there was a way around, but okay, establish the thing that’s gonna be helpful in five minutes.

Also, they cut to a thing trying to eat him as he does this. Didn’t need that.

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That was all the front yard?

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Bizarre that this was just left here. And that no one found it before now.

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As we’ll find out, this is one of the most singularly important objects in the entire galaxy. And here it is, just sitting right the fuck out in the open, waiting for anyone to come and get it. (Another reason the song choice is inspired.) And yet, after x many years of being abandoned, multiple people arrive at the exact same moment to come get it.

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Colin:

The fuck is this thing? He has a glowing orb. Probably the same thing that all the Asgardians released when Rene Russo died.

The Blue Shit of the Gods.

Indiana Jones and the Blue Shit of the Gods.

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Colin:

Speaking of which, aren’t the planets supposed to be part of realms? Or is this outside of the realms? Or are those dimensions? I’m so confused. Benicio met Asgardians at the end of Thor 2, so this is all common space. I’m just unsure of why this movie seems to fall outside the purview of the Asgardian military protection and all that.

Aren’t the nine realms only the ones that Asgard controls? This is like, a whole other deal. I remember them saying when this came out that this is the complete opposite side of the universe.

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Ah, and here they are.

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Hey kids, it’s Djimon Hounsou.

Colin:

Space black people? I can’t keep track of these things.

Black Space Lives Matter.

Colin:

Black Space lives do matter. I just thought it was interesting that Djimon Hounsou took this role so he could add some diversity to the cast of hero movies, but I’m not really sure why he ended up being a flunky’s flunky. And evil. Elba set the standards pretty high.

I think he did it because his kids loved all these superhero movies and wanted to be in one for them.

Also, can we talk about how his name is Djimon?

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Apparently he has a thing that does that.

Colin:

That’s one way to steal a thing, I guess. I’m almost glad they don’t explain this shit.

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“Drop it.”

Colin:

Hounsou wants a word, and you can bet that it’ll be less than pleasant.

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“Uhh – hey.”

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“Drop it now!”

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“Hey, cool man. No problem.”

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“No problem! At all.”

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“How do you know about this?”

“I don’t even know what that is. I’m just a junker, man.”

“You don’t look like a junker, you’re wearing Ravager garb.”

Colin:

He’s clearly bullshitting. I don’t know what a “junker” is, but he just got caught stealing something major and tried to claim that he only stumbled on it.

Also, how does he know what ravager garb is? He’s just wearing clothes. You’re telling me people in space know all about the gang clothes?

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“It’s just an outfit, man. Ninja turtle, you better stop poking me.”

Ninja turtle? We get it, man, you’re from the 80s.

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“WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!!”

Jesus, man. Dji-calm down.

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“My name is Peter Quill! Okay?”

“Move!”

“Why?”

“Ronan may have questions for you.”

Ronan? I hope it’s Saoirse Ronan. Wouldn’t that be great? If she was just an intergalactic villain?

The Accuser part would make sense. (Colin knows what I’m talking about.)

Colin:

What’s the worst word you possibly imagine?

Cinematic Universe.

Well, I guess that’s two.

Maybe we can boil it down to just Marvel.

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“Hey, there’s another name you might know me by.”

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“Star-Lord.”

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“Who?”

Colin:

“This white boy is out his goddamn mind.”

Can we start calling this guy Space Deebo?

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“Star-Lord, man. Legendary outlaw?”

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Colin:

This shot.

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“Guys?”

Colin:

A legendary outlaw that nobody takes seriously in person? My Japan might be showing, but is that a Vash the Stampede thing?

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“Ah, forget this.”

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Wait, why is he putting the mask back on? Is there randomly oxygen indoors only on this (ABANDONED) planet?

Colin:

I thought that was just his HUD and stuff. And maybe to protect him from debris.

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Colin:

Wait, so is he just Boba Fett? He’s an outlaw, maybe does bounty work, but has a helmet and can fly?

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Wow, that was a conveniently located exit. The exact direction he was going.

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Wow, he just tally ho’d out of that building.

(Horribly CGI, though.)

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Jeter throw.

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Colin:

What was that grenade thing? Wasn’t that the same thing he used before to steal the thing?

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Colin:

Look at this prancing asshole.

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I can just see the bad comedy version of this right now. The voiceover. “This is me…”

Colin:

Or the Iron Man 3 version? I know it’s Shane Black, but the fucking voiceover…

I’m torn about that one. Because yes, the fucking voiceover, but on the other hand, he was trying to recapture Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which used voiceover really well.

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The door’s not even closed. Might wanna do that before you take the mask off.

Colin:

I’m pretty convinced that’s not an air thing only. Cause everyone else is just breathing and there were gaping holes in the building he was just in, so it wasn’t like that was airtight. Nah, the mask wasn’t for the air on this planet. Probably HUD.

I still have logic problems with the mask. But we’ll get to those later.

Mostly it’s about how he can just float around in space with just the mask and nothing else.

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“The fuck are you guys doing?”

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Colin:

Same ship that picked him up, which leads me to believe his dad was an alien dude who’s now taken him in. Or it’s his adopted parents. The legal guardians. Of the galaxy.

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Yes, set up the gun. Because that makes a whole lot more sense than just shooting the fucking guy standing right in front of you.

Colin:

Why does everything feel like The Fifth Element? I’m gonna be really sad if I have to multi-pass on this movie altogether.

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The only thing missing is him shouting, “Schnell!”

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They love shots of people hitting throttles. It’s like we wouldn’t know how the ship works if we didn’t see that.

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Repulsors?

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When you’re really high and the police pull up next to you.

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This is the modern day Han Solo.

We all have to admit it. As much as Star Wars people would cringe at the thought.

Colin:

In a weird way, it’s also Rocket. We’ll get to that later.

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Don’t laugh until you’re off the planet and they can’t shoot at you anymore.

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GPOY

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Colin:

Old Faithful just fucked you up.

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I’m always so amused when the camera gets water drops or blood or something on it. I know this is done deliberately via CGI, but it still amuses me.

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There’s your seatbelt ad.

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What’s the chick he was banging thinking right now?

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Troll doll. Get it? Because he grew up in the 80s.

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Why haven’t they shot him down yet?

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“Peter?”

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Was she really able to fit into the shirt he was wearing when he was 8?

“What happened?”

Colin:

Oh, wow. That’s that shirt. Is it weird that I sorta want to hook up with a pink chick?

It would be weirder if you didn’t.

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“Hey, uhh – uhh –”

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“Uhh –”

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“Bareet.”

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“Bareet! Look, I’m gonna be totally honest with you, I forgot you were here.”

Colin:

Oh, he starts by having fucked a pink chick and forgot her name. Good for him. Good for them. I’m pleased.

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She’s bareet red right now.

And he’s gonna have to bareet off tonight after that.

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Cue The Raspberries’ “Go All the Way.”

Get it? Because he went all the way with Bareet. All the way into her vagina.

And now he’s gonna kick her out.

Intergalactic walk of shame.

Is there a space Uber? I’d do that. I’d be a space Uber driver.

Or Space Captain Phillips.

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Colin:

This is a cool place. It’s a bummer it has to be so CGI. This would have been so much better in practical effects.

Why is it light all of a sudden? Did he show up at like 5 am?

Also, I feel like we say that about everything in this franchise. “This is nice and all, but would have bene so much better with practical effects.”

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At least it’s crisp in its cartoon-ness.

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So, where do you get one of those in space?

Colin:

Interesting that he’s still so 70s and 80s with the cassette and the troll doll.

Oh man, remember those stickers, though? I had a shit ton of those.

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That Jansport held up in space?

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He’s watching the news? Really?

Colin:

Would you not be banging again?

I like her red legs.

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“Peter, you have call.”

Colin:

She seems to be mostly cool with him having forgotten her name.

Why aren’t there red chicks I can bang in real life?

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“No, wait, don’t!”

What? She just answered his phone?!

Colin:

This feels like one of those Back to the Future Pt. II moments. “AHH! FUJITSU SAN! KONNICHIWA!” I’ve had a lot of Japanese bosses. It’s basically exactly like that scene.

What the hell is that picture that’s on the screen right now?

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“Well?”

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Yeah… that’s why you won’t be around much longer.

Colin:

Women can’t take a hint sometimes.

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“Hey, Yondu.”

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“I’m here on Morag. Ain’t no orb, ain’t no you.”

And apparently no Djimon Hounsou either.

Colin:

Oh shit! That’s Michael Rooker. Great voice. First noticed him on Archer as Sheriff E.Z. Ponder in the episode “Bloody Ferlin” where they go to West Virginia. Then I heard him as one of the non-player characters in the campaign of Call of Duty: Black Ops 2. The guy has a voice you recognize the second he opens his mouth. It’s great.

“I was in the neighborhood, I thought I’d save you the hassle.”

“Well, where you at now, boy?”

Why not just tell him you got jumped and make him have to look for Ronan?

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“I feel really bad about this, but I’m not gonna tell you that.”

Can’t you track him?

“I slaved putting this deal together.”

“Slaved? Making a few calls is slaved? I mean, really.”

Good. I like when people are called out on their bullshit.

“And now you’re ripping me off! We do not do that to each other. We’re Ravagers. We got a code.”

Colin:

Actually, yeah, why are you ripping him off? Aren’t you bros? Don’t you have a good thing going? Why, after all these years, are you just now deciding to skip off with something?

They hint that this is the relationship they have. Quill does something dumb and Yondu gets mad, but can’t stay mad at him because he’s like a father to him.

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Do neither of you care that this random chick is hearing this?

Are there space hookers?

I’m not insinuating she’s a space hooker, I’m just curious. There have to be, right?

Also, where’d he pick this chick up? At a space club? Not wondering for logic, wondering because she seems pretty ditzy.

“And that code is ‘steal from everybody.’”

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Including from you. That virtue of yours.

“When I picked you up on Terra…”

Colin:

Terran? Are we actually stealing shit from StarCraft now?

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Colin:

Faces.

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“Picked me up.”

“These boys of mine wanted to eat you.”

Colin:

They wanted to eat him? Why did they pick him up in the first place? Where’s Dad?

Colin hasn’t seen this before, by the way.

“Yeah?”

“They ain’t never tasted any Terran before. I stopped them. You’re alive cause of me. I will find you–”

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Pretty easy to just hang up on people.

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“Put a bounty on him.”

Colin:

I want to get to that point where I can put bounties on my problems.

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“40k. But I want him back alive.”

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“I told you when we picked that kid up, we shoulda delivered him like we was hired to do. He was cargo. You have always been soft on him.”

Weird how they were hired to bring him somewhere, didn’t do it, and yet his father never decided to take it up with them, or look for his son.

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“You’re the only one I’ve been soft on.”

Colin:

That doesn’t look like John C. Reilly. Thought it was at first.

That’s a great thing to say about everyone.

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“Now don’t you worry about Mr. Quill. Soon as we get him back here, I’m gonna kill him myself.”

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“What we do need to worry about is who else out there wants that orb.”

Colin:

Why does this guy look like a frost giant with a metal Mohawk? And why the shit do all these movies have to be about some stupid MacGuffin? Orb, cube, Aether, whatever. I’m tired of it.

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Cut to who else wants the orb.

Colin:

A Super Star Destroyer. I think. Can we not describe things in Star Wars terms?

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The dark… flower?

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Colin:

This is one gaping space vagina.

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Is this how he sleeps? In the blood of his enemies?

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“They call me a terrorist. A radical.”

I consider myself a teacher.

(Right, though? We all thought that when we saw this.)

“A zealot.”

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“Because I obey the ancient laws of my people, the Kree.”

That was the most blatant exposition thrown in there so far.

Colin:

We don’t use the names of our people.

Also, he’s a religious fanatic, is what this is saying.

He obeys the book to the word. Which is exactly what the biggest problem in the world is now.

“And punish those who do not.”

Colin:

Blue people getting ready for battle. Are we SURE this isn’t Avatar? Where’s Zoe Saldana and them space titties?

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Little nervous with the water there, lady.

“Because I do not forgive your people.”

Colin:

I’m not hearing any of this. Am I expected to be hearing this? Because this is weak. This is still clearly Marvel being weak at setting up bad guys with grievances I just DO NOT want to hear about.

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Eww. Why would you let leper hands clean you?

“For taking the life of my father.”

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What the fuck is that shit? Yellow delousing powder?

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“And his father. And his father before him.”

So, all your ancestors were killed by whoever “your people” are?

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What is this, NFL films?

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Is he getting ready for the opera?

fifth-element-12

Right, though?

“A thousand years of war between us will not be forgotten.”

Who are you talking to?

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“You can’t do this!”

Oh, good, there is someone else in the room.

Though what’s with the monologuing? This is bad writing.

Colin:

Any time there’s darkness and random bad guys, my mind turns off completely.

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“Our governments signed a peace treaty.”

Yes, but he follows the ancient laws. Haven’t you been listening?

“My government knows no shame.”

Colin:

Is this Space ISIS? 

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Goddamn.

“The Xandarians and your culture are a disease.”

I need a hammer guy.

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“You will never rule Xandar.”

This is why he’s underdeveloped as a villain. His scenes are generic, and he doesn’t get any room to grow.

Colin:

Yeah, this is killing me.

I’m torn about whether I like this or not. Because a better developed villain means less scenes for our main characters. Because you need some type of threat. But a good threat would have taken away from the fun of the main characters. It was a tough road. I’m not gonna fully absolve them, but I kind of understand.

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“No. I will cure it.”

Maybe this should have been played by Saoirse Ronan.

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That was his Sparta moment.

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Colin:

Did he hammer that guy in the head? I have no idea what I’m watching right now, seriously. Did I mention I haven’t seen this?

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And look, he does bathe in the blood of his enemies.

As all the great politicians do.

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That’s a lot of blood for one guy, though.

Colin:

What’s that? Is that blood seeping into the rock carving? Am I supposed to take something away from this?

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Were you standing behind him the whole time?

Colin:

Why does it have to be dark all the time everywhere we go?

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“Ronan.”

They waited this long to say his name?

“Korath has returned.”

Colin:

There are a lot of proper nouns being tossed around as though I’m supposed to either recognize them or remember them later. Stuff that sounds like it starts with the letter X, which it shouldn’t. People who write sci-fi just go all-out with the dumb space names.

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Goddamn. Those things actually look like comic book drawings.

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“He’s a thief! An outlaw who calls himself Star-Lord. But we have discovered he has an agreement to retrieve the orb for an intermediary known as The Broker.”

How have you discovered this?

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Hey kids, it’s Zoe Saldana. She’s green this time, not blue.

They also completely broke the 180 degree line with this cut.

Colin:

Blue chick. Green chick. Hey, green space titties. You know who likes those?

I almost put this up the first two times you said it. Something told me to hold back. I knew this would be mentioned at some point.

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“I promised Thanos I would retrieve the orb for him.”

Which, lets get into this now, while he brought it up – Thanos’ whole arc is that he wants the five infinity stones to put in the Infinity Gauntlet glove thingy because he loves death so much he wants to blow up the universe? Got it? That’s gonna be the plot of the third Avengers movie. And they’ve been building toward it since Thor. But Thanos’ whole thing in these movies is, he sits on a giant throne in space and makes other people get shit for him. Which is fine. Want to set him up like that, all right by me. I can still point out the insanity of having other people do shit for you, if that’s your main goal. Since when have henchmen ever got anything done? The problem is – we don’t need two people like that in one movie. Ronan is doing the exact same fucking thing Thanos is doing. You know why Loki worked? Because Loki was being proactive. I’ll give you the Tesseract if you let me rule Earth. And he did shit. Ronan’s like, “Let me destroy Xandar” – oh, right, we haven’t gotten to that yet.

Colin:

None of this ever works. We’ll get to that later.

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“Only then will he destroy Xandar for me.”

Okay, now we’re up to that.

Shout out to the waiter, chilling in the back with Ronan’s lunch. You think he’s a salad guy, or like, the raw squirrel, ripping veins with his teeth guy? Probably somewhere in between. Some kind of poached salmon and a little white wine sauce and some sautéed mushrooms.

Anyway, back to my original point, which is – he’s like, “Let me destroy Xandar, and I’ll get the orb for you.” And Thanos is like, “Cool. It lets me sit on my space throne and jerk off. I’m down.” (How much jizz do you think is on Thanos’ space throne?) But then Ronan’s like, “Fucking henchmen guys, go get this orb for me.” How many layers of henchmen are we going through? Technically, this is henchman, villain, supervillain, but the way Marvel works, there’s an infinite layer of people working for other people and sending other people out to do the work they’re doing for the other person. At some point someone’s just gotta get shit done themselves.

Which brings us to the micro portion of this, as in, this movie and not the universe at large. That being – that’s all this guy wants? To destroy a planet because his father and grandfather were both killed (somehow) and he blames them for it? What shitty character development. Because we never get the story or hear why he’s got this blood vendetta against Xandar. It’s just, “I’m the villain, this is what I want, and I’m gonna do shit.” It feels like they cut all his scenes out because they know he’s the most boring part of the movie, so they just streamlined his shit, went through the motions because they knew people wanted more Guardians scenes. Though the problem is – the villain is totally underdeveloped and it kind of takes away from the overall product a little bit.

Colin:

I’d say it takes away from the overall product a lot. That’s why I’m so back and forth on this. This movie is great til it sucks. And then it sucks til it’s great again. And you can always tell when it’s gonna suck because the screen is all black and blue.

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“Nebula—”

Are you waving a magic fucking wand? What’s that about?

I’d probably do that too, if I could. Make grand, sweeping proclamations with the use of a staff. But that seemed a little theatrical.

Then again, he is a guy who bathes in the blood of his enemies and puts on war paint. So maybe it’s not that surprising.

Colin:

I want a staff. A Hobknoblin.

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“Go to Xandar and get me the orb.”

You’re sending ANOTHER henchman to get it?

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“It will be my honor.”

What up, cyborg lady? I’d like to see your orbs.

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“It will be your doom.”

Why will it be her doom?

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“Bitch, what did you say?”

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“If this happens again, you’ll be facing our father without his prize.”

Okay, simple way to establish they’re sisters who hate each other. Weird that she says “our father.” Because people don’t talk like that and it’s blatant exposition. But at least it wasn’t “our father, Thanos.” That shit drives me up a wall.

But how about this – Thanos is purple, right? So he fucks one woman, gets a blue daughter, and another woman and gets a green daughter. I know a little about how colors work, and I’m not really sure what goes into the mixture to have it end up like that.

Colin:

I Know A Little About How Colors Work

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Is he turned on right now? I’d be.

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“I’m a daughter of Thanos. Just like you.”

There it is.

Dick in the Ass Exposition. (I feel like we should trademark that.)

“But I know Xandar.”

Biblically?

Did you go to space college there?

“Ronan has already decreed that I—”

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“Do not speak for me.”

She’s not. He has decreed. She’s just pointing out what was said.

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That’s right, bow your head in shame.

Also, your father is Thanos. Why are you taking shit from a lackey?

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“What’s up, green chick? I ain’t seen carpet like that since the 70s.”

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“Have I ever?”

I don’t know. We don’t know. Presumably you haven’t, which means why do we always have to see the one time you do?

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Is this Tatooine? Is that what we’re going for? This is an unnecessary shot.

Colin:

THE SUN. THE OTHER SUN. A TITLE.

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Oh, right, the Nova Empire. Of course. We all know exactly where that is.

Colin:

Goddamn it. Sci-fi people: NOT EVERY NAME NEEDS AN X OR A Z OR A Q THAT ISN’T FOLLOWED BY A U YOU STUPID FUCKS

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Xandar looks a lot like Earth.

Or rather, Coruscant.

Though, actually, it looks the way Alderaan looked in the thirty seconds we saw it at the end of Revenge of the CGI.

Colin:

This is The Fifth Element meets Brazil meets Back to the Future 2 meets Elysium meets I give up.

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“Xandarians… what a bunch of losers.”

Right, though? Preach, coon!

Colin:

Inspired by Singapore, by the way.

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“All in a big hurry to get from something stupid to nothing at all.”

Kind of like Marvel.

Also, this is terrible CGI. Look at that fucking pool. This is what The Sims looks like.

Colin:

I really hate sci-fi and comic book people. That’s where I am. I don’t hate sci-fi (though I might be getting to the point where I hate comic books), but MAN, does their shit get to me sometimes. You really don’t have to go that far out of your way to be outlandish. There’s a major problem with how familiar I am with your poor attempts at unfamiliarity.

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“Look at this guy. Can you believe they call us criminals, when he’s assaulting us with that haircut?”

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“Look at this thing.”

Look at this fucking thing.

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“It thinks it’s so cool. It’s not cool to get help! Walk by yourself, you little gargoyle!”

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“Look at Mr. Smiles over here. Where’s your wife, old man? What a class A prevert.”

Best part about this is that part of his pickup line is, “Do you like art?”

And I bet her answer is, “Yeah, I love fourth period.”

Colin:

Stan’s trying to get some poon in its 40s. Good for you, Stan.

Here’s a question — does Rocket read Japanese? Or whatever that language is?

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It’s a laughing raccoon.

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“Right, Groot?”

That doesn’t look like John C. Reilly.

Love the chick in the back, looking at him like, “What the fuck is that thing?”

Colin:

There’s a raccoon that’s talking to other humans. I don’t get how this is outside the nine realms. How does this work with the Asgardian space? Are those nine realms only one little corner of the universe that’s run by Asgard? And this is elsewhere? Then why are they involved on Earth?

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“Don’t drink fountain water, you idiot. That’s disgusting.”

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Colin:

Groot. Isn’t this Vin Diesel? I remember hearing a lot of Groot shit during the Ice Bucket Challenge days. I think it’s a great credit to my character that several people told me they considered nominating me and then decided it probably wouldn’t go well. They were right.

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“Yes you did. I just saw you doing it. Why are you lying?”

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“Looks like we got one.”

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I like the zoom.

“Okay, humee — how bad does someone wanna find you?”

Colin:

He’s already got another pink chick.

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Why is that part in English?

Colin:

Who gave you a bounty hunting machine? Did it ever occur to anyone that on these magic planets they just invent left and right with amazing technology, a halfway decent genius could probably invent something WAY better than an Iron Man suit? How is Tony Stark a player in this universe? There’s no way he stands up to their stuff.

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“Forty thousand units? Groot, we’re gonna be rich!”

Colin:

Units as currency. They didn’t even come up with a currency name, and I guess I’m happy about that.

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Look at those yellow fucks.

And that guy in front who looks like he just got out of a Matrix club.

Colin:

The Wachowskis are so messed up.

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Clearly the Pete Postlethwaite of the movie.

Colin:

That’s Christopher Fairbank. Know what movie he was in? I’ll give you a hint. There are so many elements in the periodic table of the elements. I could only choose one.

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“Mr. Quill.”

Or the Donald Meek, back in the day.

Colin:

He has weird hair. Is that on purpose?

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“The orb. As commissioned.”

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“Where’s Yondu?”

“Wanted to be here. Sends his love. And told me to tell you that you got the best eyebrows in the business.”

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“What is it?”

“It’s my policy to never discuss my clients or their needs.”

Does he put it in his butt? Who cares, just tell him.

Oh, no, we need the big exposition scene later.

“Well, I almost died getting it for you.”

“An occupational hazard, I’m sure. In your line of work.”

Colin:

I love that no matter where you go in the universe, there will always be grades of shifty people. Low-down shifty people and high-brow shifty people.

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“Some machine-headed freak, working for a dude named Ronan.”

Why would you tell him that? Information is not part of the deal. One guy brings the item, and the other guy pays him.

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“Ronan?”

Colin:

This is where you cap him, take his money, leave him with the thing and call it in to whatever dude wants it.

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“I’m sorry, Mr. Quill, I truly am. But I want no part of this transaction if Ronan is involved.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Marvel likes the five whoas in a row, I’ve noticed.

“Who’s Ronan?”

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I thought your policy was never to discuss… aww fuck it, this is already better than most Marvel logic. Go ahead.

“A Kree fanatic, outraged by the peace treaty, who will not rest until Xandarian culture – my culture! – is wiped from existence!”

Colin:

Imagine this scene, but with ISIS. And tell me you could name that person.

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“Come on!”

Yeah, seriously, come on. Does he always show up on your planet? Who gives a fuck? He wants to wipe away your culture. He’s not gonna single out just you. He wants you all dead. Go on with your life. Have you ever thought he might need that thing to do so? It probably helps to do what you’re gonna do with it.

Hell, what if you were selling it to a dude who worked for Ronan? What the fuck do you know?

“He’s someone whose bad side I’d rather not be on.”

Like I said, what if by not buying this, you’re getting on his bad side?

Colin:

But that would imply that he hadn’t seen the whole script.

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“What about my bad side?”

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What kind of arm waving is this shit?

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That’s how you open the door?

“Farewell, Mr. Quill.”

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“Bye, bitch.”

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“Hey, we had a deal, bro!”

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Colin:

That was as close to a “Good day, sir!” as we’ve gotten in a while.

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Well shit, he wasn’t very hard to find. Anyone could have come and taken this orb at any point.

Colin:

Yeah, baby, what that taste like?

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Hey, little lady.

“What happened?”

“This guy just backed out of a deal on me. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a man without integrity. Peter Quill, people call me Star-Lord.”

He said, giving his name unknowingly to an assassin.

Colin:

Star-Lord is a pretty dumb name, I have to say.

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“You have the bearing of a man of honor.”

Just like Cuba Gooding Jr.

Colin:

She’s looking pretty Cuba Good-ing, Jr.

Drunk? Oh, you meant…

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“Well, you know… I wouldn’t say that. People say it about me… all the time.”

Colin:

Is this what space flirting is like? Please don’t sign me up.

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“But it’s not something I would ever say about–”

Colin:

She’s on his tail, right? Is this a setup?

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YOINK!

That’s the best way to steal shit. Just walk right up and do it. People would never know how to react.

Colin:

Of course it was. It’s Marvel. They give you about six seconds to let things get interesting before they return to predictable. You know, I’m really trying to enjoy this movie.

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A HA HA HA she kicked him in the stomach and PEACED!

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“Outta my way, lesbians!”

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“Look at that – I gotta Instagram that shit.”

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Look at Space Tom Brady over here.

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Colin:

If you’re going to lasso a green bitch, you’d better come correct.

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She’s got highlights?

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Superman that ho!

Colin:

That is a striking tally ho there.

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Oh no.

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Old guy in the back – best reaction so far.

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Great camera angle. Being punched in the face from the ground.

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I like this angle and that they’re fighting each other from the ground.

Colin:

They’re fighting on the ground, which I guess is new. They’re still surrounded by CGI weird shit, though it is on a larger stage that makes it feel more practical. Maybe that’s where the Fifth Element vibe comes from, among other things.

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Really an interesting idea for a fight.

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“This wasn’t the plan.”

Colin:

Zoe Saldana gets typecast as these vicious ethnic aliens now.

Have you guys seen Death at a Funeral?

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But it sure as shit is now. That doesn’t change anything.

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RACOON TACKLE OUT OF NOWHERE!

I haven’t seen that since Dolores Claiborne.

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That’s awesome. The guy’s got a clay mold of a gun on his costume, meant to look like he has a gun in his pocket.

And on the right is older Owen Wilson and Jason, the original Red Ranger.

Also, on the left side of this frame, there could be three people who could all potentially be Tilda Swinton.

Colin:

That’s just…wow. I mean, every older white woman could potentially be Tilda Swinton.

If they ever recast Agent Smith…

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This movie made $9.5 million in Japan.

(Which… fucking Frozen made $250 million in Japan.)

Colin:

I’m still hearing the fucking song. Which they translated and made worse.

How could you make it worse? It’s like, basic entry level song lyrics.

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I’d consider my life fulfilled, if one day I saw a raccoon and a tree perform a black bag job on a green chick in the middle of the street.

Colin:

Bullshit. That’s not happening. And how come everyone’s beating up on the poor Vin Diesel tree guy? Is he just a space ent? Is he a spent?

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Yes, that is a tree about to rape you.

Colin:

Just like Hollywood. You can never tell if it’s gonna be hard love or soft rape.

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You got a raccoon paw in your mouth!

Colin:

This is actually how Hollywood gets you thin for a role. Most people can use human fingers, but Hollywood needs raccoon paws. Dead or alive. Alive better.

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This place is too metrosexual for me.

Colin:

…said Colin in Japan, today and every other day.

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She just hulked out of a tree rape.

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LOOK AT THE FLYING SQUID DOWN THERE!

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Get the fuck out of here.

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Not a chance.

I xan-dare you to do that again.

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Tally ho!

Colin:

These people appear minorly disturbed.

That woman on the left intrigues me.

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Green lipstick.