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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Part II — “Staring at a Blank Wall Like a Jackass”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of Guardians of the Galaxy.

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We begin Part II outside of a giant CGI building.

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In all fairness, we begin most parts of Marvel outside a big CGI building.

Colin:

That’s a dumb building. Next time, maybe make it less dumb.

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This is really terrible exposition, but at least they’re being consistent with it, just getting it out of the way really quickly rather than shoehorning it in. So at least they’re efficient with the assfucking.

Colin:

I dunno. I’m thinking of starting an anti-establishing shot hate group.

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Here’s Glenn Close, in a neatly composed shot.

Won’t make the shots list though, I imagine, because of how fake it looks.

Colin:

That’s Glenn Close.

Glenn far.

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She’s bitching at the Blue Man Group about a treaty.

Fucking treaties and trade embargos. What is this, The Phantom Menace?

You know what the Phantom Menace didn’t have? A giant… oh, wait, I guess Liam Neeson counts as a giant tree.

And Jar Jar is basically Rocket, though not as racist.

Okay, never mind.

Colin:

Is that Tomas Arana? You think I wouldn’t recognize Quintus? Or the goddamn cook?

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Shout out to symmetry.

Also, nice for them to get Glenn Close in something, even though she has nothing to do and has less screen time in this movie than the orb.

Colin:

That stupid orb. What if everyone was fighting over Glenn Close? What if Glenn Close could destroy a planet? I actually have no need to suspect she couldn’t.

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This is like the UN. She wants them to write a letter like, “We condemn this guy’s actions.” What the fuck is that gonna do?

“He is slaughtering children. Families.”

Is he? Seems like he just sleeps in blood and tells people to do shit. I also haven’t once heard of him accusing anybody.

I guess once. But does one accusation a title make?

Colin:

…asked Mike the Inquisitor, inquisitively. 

Shouldn’t bad guys spend the entire movie going around doing evil stuff like killing people? All he does is chill on this ship. He’s a religious extremist who lives in his car. Have you ever been to Mississippi?

That’s the thing I can’t take seriously about Marvel villains. They sit afar and plot shit, and in the space movies, they work for a guy who sits even further and plots shit.

Fucking do something. Be a villain. Hold up banks and shit. Or do real comic book villain shit. You know — go rob a government lab and make the protagonists wonder why you did it and what your ultimate plot is going to be. That’s why Batman has the best villains. They’re hands on.

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“That is your business.”

He’s right.

Also, this is way too Star Wars for me.

“Now I have other matters to attend to.”

Colin:

I don’t really care about what’s being said. This isn’t The Hunt For Red October, nor is it Tora! Tora! Tora! So I don’t need an ambassador talking.

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Aww, he just talked to the handed her!

Colin:

That was pretty great, not gonna lie.

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Colin:

I love that. What a brilliant skill! You can shush someone with your hand and all of a sudden they’re staring at a blank wall like a jackass.

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“Did that blue motherfucker just shush me?”

“Prick.”

Close enough.

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It’s Peter Serafinowicz. And a hot chick just standing there.

Neither has a purpose in this movie, but one of them I can look at without wondering why they’re here.

Hint, it’s not Peter Serafinowicz.

Colin:

Is it me, or is she short? And did anyone else notice that despite the fact that there are large numbers of ethnic minorities on this planet, the whole government and all the police are human colored Xandarians? They don’t even have a pink chick working here! Is this some sort of Space Jim Crow? Is it Xandartheid?

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“Looks like we’ve apprehended one of Ronan’s compatriots.”

Why is her office in the lobby? Doesn’t it look like this is a front desk? What a shitty space office you have, Glenn Close.

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“Gamora.”

Ah, the Usual Suspects scene but for exposition.

Somehow I’m okay with this.

But they need to tell the one about the hooker with dysentery.

Because he’ll flip ya. Flip ya for real.

Colin:

This is where you have to look at the pictures really closely, cause what if her pelvis had teeth or something?

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“Surgically modified and trained as a living weapon.”

See? She will flip ya for real.

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“The adopted daughter of the mad titan Thanos.”

Ah, adopted. So that explains how he can get green. Because I get how he can make a blue chick.

Colin:

She’s genetically modified? Thanos was her dad? Oh yeah. I guess I remember that. Isn’t he the single baddest villain in the entire galaxy? Why isn’t he destroying this planet to get her back?

Also, girl weighs 852 grets? What you been eating, woman?

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“Recently, Thanos lent her and her sister Nebula out to Ronan.”

Weird how she just stands there during all this, while we get all the exposition out.

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“Which leads us to believe that Thanos and Ronan are working together.”

Yeah, this is embarrassing. You don’t need all the charting here. You can get by without it.

Colin:

See, that’s the sad thing. This is all so boring that I don’t think I can get by with it. If you think I’m watching this scene and listening to the dialogue…hoo, no.

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“Subject 89P13. Calls himself Rocket.”

Colin:

I wish they’d done this better. You can introduce characters using a lineup so much better. But look at me. Expecting Marvel to do The Usual Suspects.

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“The result of illegal genetic and cybernetic experiments on a lower life form.”

Colin:

Who the fuck is Lylla? And I like someone with that many counts of arson.

I looked this up, and I shit you not — Lylla is a sentient otter.

This is an actual thing in the Marvel universe.

So that’s something to look forward to, I guess.

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“What the hell?”

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“They call it Groot.”

Groot is also what I call… never mind.

How can they get its fingerprints? It’s a tree.

Colin:

Groot’s arms are growing back fast. Does he jizz sap?

Bingo! Dino DNA.

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“A humanoid plant that’s been traveling recently as 89P13’s personal house plant slash muscle.”

I like how his species is “giant plant.”

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Colin:

Who the hell is Tibius Lark? How can he have known associates if they have no idea who he is?

Wait, 3 counts of GBH? As in Grievous Body Harm? I also like that a giant tree has escaped from prison 15 times.

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“Peter Jason Quill.”

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“Raised from youth by a band of mercenaries called the Ravagers, led by Yondu Udonta.”

That’s a pretty ethnic name.

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Colin:

A translator implant? Is that how he talks to everyone? Even though he speaks English? Does everyone not speak English? I’m so confused.

“Space-Lord.” This is pretty shitty police work, even if it’s a joke.

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Colin:

This movie’s fun.

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“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how this machine worked.”

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Colin:

He’s the loveable oaf who cracks jokes at inappropriate times and no doubt saves everyone in a pinch. So nothing like Jurassic World Chris Pratt.

Actually… he’s kinda not.

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Colin:

I’d like to point out that he has 2 counts of public intoxication and 1 count of illegal manipulation of a Gramosian duchess. Which is great.

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“What a bunch of a-holes.”

I appreciate that this team of superheroes is a bunch of a-holes.

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“Transport all four to the Kyln.”

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Let me guess, a title’s gonna pop up that says this is The Kyln.

Colin:

Don’t say that. Don’t say that.

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Fucking really.

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“I guess most of Nova Corps want to uphold the laws. But these ones here, they’re corrupt, and cruel.”

What? Why? You’re stuck out on a space prison. How can they possibly be corrupt? Do they let people go? I’m so confused by that line.

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“But hey, that’s not my problem. I ain’t gonna be here long.”

I like when people openly say they’re gonna escape.

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“I’ve escaped 22 prisons. This one’s no different.”

Groot looks like he’s going to a rave.

Colin:

Groot does a rave thing later.

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“You’re lucky the broad showed up, cause otherwise me and Groot would be collecting that bounty right now. And you’d be getting drawn and quartered by Yondu and those Ravagers.”

Were they gonna quarter him like one of their French girls?

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Space Hugh Jackman.

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“I’ve had a lot of people try to kill me over the years, I ain’t about to be brought down by a tree and a talking raccoon.”

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“What’s a raccoon?”

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“What’s a raccoon? It’s what you are, stupid.”

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“Ain’t no thing like me ‘cept me.”

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“So this orb has a real shiny blue suitcase, Ark of the Covenant, Maltese Falcon sort of vibe. What is it?”

You were fucking eight when they took you. You don’t know what the Maltese Falcon is. I’ll buy Raiders, but not Maltese Falcon. There’s no way you saw that movie.

Colin:

No way. I mean, I saw Maltese Falcon before eight, but I only would have remembered it that well if I’d watched it multiple times since then. Which I have. But this kid was taken in the 80s. You didn’t have as many chances to watch that movie as we did. Your dad didn’t get a Bogey DVD box set as soon as DVDs were a thing. Your dad’s in space, probably giving some other poor woman cancer.

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“I am Groot.”

Colin:

He IS Groot. 

“So what? What’s the orb?”

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“I have no words for an honorless thief.”

Honorless? Why? Because he was gonna run out on Yondu?

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“Pretty high and mighty coming from the lackey of a genocidal maniac.”

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“Yeah, I know who you are. Anyone who’s anyone knows who you are.”

Colin:

Need I?

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“Yeah, we know who you are!”

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“Who is she?”

“I am Groot.”

“Yeah, you said that.”

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“I wasn’t retrieving the orb for Ronan. I was betraying him.”

Colin:

More exposition. You put more exposition in this scene. Come on.

It’s great that she calls him an honorless thief when she was about to do the exact same thing he was.

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Why would anyone allow that to be put into their arms? I can see if it controlled shit that was projected in front of you or something, or was universal. But if you’re not in this prison, that thing is useless. You gotta go home and bang your wife with that thing attached to your arm.

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“I had an agreement to sell it through a third party.”

As opposed to the exact same thing Quill was doing?

Also, through a third party? No, you were selling that shit to a third party. Unless the agreement to sell it to Benicio was made through someone else. Which — who is that? His red chick? Seems unlikely. I do like this idea of space, that they drive all the way out to these random planets to negotiate deals. There’s a lot of great stuff you can do with space (that of course Marvel won’t do).

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“I am Groot.”

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“Well, that’s just as fascinating as the first 89 times you said it. What is wrong with Giving Tree here?”

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“Well, he don’t know talking good like me and you. So his vocabulistics is limited to I and am and Groot. Exclusively in that order.”

Funny how he talks normally except in this specific instance where the joke requires him to speak poorly.

Also, could you not have figured out that’s all he could say by now?

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“Well, I tell you what, that’s gonna run real thin real fast if I–”

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If you what? I really wanna know where that sentence was going.

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Colin:

Is this some random blue schmuck? This isn’t blue Frank Oz at impound?

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“Hey! Put that away.”

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“Listen to me, you big blue bastard. Take those headphones off. That’s mine.”

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“Those belong in impound, that tape, and that player is mine!”

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Colin:

Is this not a Xandarian prison? Why is this Kree guy working here? Now that I’m going through on a second run through the articles, it really kills me that I know their races. I was happier when I didn’t understand race.

We don’t discriminate based on race, only by Kree.

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“Hooked on a Feeling, Blue Swede, 1973, that song belongs to me!”

The RIAA would disagree. They’ll find you in space.

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I love how they just bring the music up. Because fuck it, why not? “It’s Hooked on a Feeling.”

Ooga chaka, bitches.

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There’s something great about a person being tased to “Hooked on a Feeling.”

Colin:

You’re getting your ass beat to Hooked on a Feeling. You know what I want? I want a torture scene to Bob Dylan’s Like a Rolling Stone. And you’d cut in real close as he taunts the main character with, “HOW DOES IT FEEL?!”

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This is how The Departed began.

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Well maybe not quite.

Is this Figure It Out? Is he getting slimed?

Colin:

Technically, Leo was also wearing orange.

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Is that Thanos jizz?

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His dick didn’t get orange cleaned.

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Obligatory shirtless shot.

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Is Groot getting the agent orange treatment too?

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Colin:

See, I don’t know that these things are dangerous because everything so far has been non-lethal and very short-lasting. Are they pointing guns at him? What is this?

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And we see him putting on a shirt. For whatever reason.

Wasn’t editing created specifically so we didn’t have to see moments like this?

Colin:

See, you’d think. But then, Marvel.

There’s a subtitle for this entire franchise.

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They get the same cell? Is this The Usual Suspects?

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Colin:

Nobody likes raccoon butt.

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This doesn’t really come up ever again. Marvel’s character development only goes so far.

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This song is here for no real reason except it’s awesome. (Well, I guess it’s here for two reasons. It originally was gonna be the opening credits song. But then, by sheer happenstance, Gunn came upon “Come and Get Your Love” and decided to go with that, which was a way better choice. Since we haven’t heard that in a movie before. And it’s also here because the song is awesome and he wanted to use it. Which I’m totally cool with.)

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Colin:

Oh, she’s here too? Is this prison coed? Can they just be each other’s bitch?

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Is this Zion? This is a pretty organized prison. Are there elevators? This is actually kinda cool. Very hotel like. Big lobby area and then you have a room on the 37th floor or whatever.

Though it’s weird that we see all of this and then they sleep in the giant dogpiles later. Is the prison that overcrowded that with all this room there’s still like 20 to a cell? Or is it so they don’t have to sleep with their heads in the mud?

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Is that the same woman whose head was used in Total Recall?

She’s got a family, too. What the hell did she do to get here?

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There’s a face.

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Hey, kids, it’s Lloyd Kaufman!

Yeah, nobody knows who he is, sadly.

Look up The Toxic Avenger. You’ll see who Lloyd Kaufman is.

I think his most recent movie, or one of them, at least, was Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.

Colin:

Do people not remember him as a drunk guy in Rocky? That’s how I’d want to be remembered.

That is how I’ll be remembered. But instead of Rocky, it’ll be that bar on 29th street.

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What’s great about this is how most of these people probably have a legitimate beef with her, yet, looking at it the way you’d normally look at a movie, it looks like the vulnerable woman in the middle of a pack of savages. Which is nice. Since it aligns you with her. And also because she’s a surgically enhanced trained assassin, and can fuck most of these people up six ways from Sunday.

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See?

Colin:

Everyone hates her and knows who she is? This is how they make her a good guy, right? Chris Pratt has to save her because she’s hot. Cause if she looked like a frumpy turnip bitch, you’d be letting her get her ass beat.

Nobody wants to be a frumpy turnip bitch.

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LOOK AT HIS LITTLE OUTFIT!

Where’d you get an outfit that fit him?

And why wouldn’t you find one for the tree?

Colin:

Becuase winter’s coming and that tree should be more bundled up?

“Like I said, she’s got a rep.”

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“Lotta prisoners here have lost their families to Ronan and his goons. She’ll last a day, tops.”

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Look at this fucking guy.

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“The guards will protect her, right?”

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“They’re here to stop us from getting out. They don’t care what we do to each other inside.”

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Look at that old bastard.

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“Whatever night brings, the future holds, are dreams compared to what’s behind me.”

There’s a giant tree behind you.

Colin:

She just said something that leads us to believe she can handle herself. Which is probably, true, yeah? She’s a ‘living weapon’ of galactic badassery. Can’t we expect her to demolish everyone here with no problem?

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“Check out the new meat.”

Colin:

Why’d they give this guy Laurence Fishbune teeth? Also, voiced by Nathan Fillion, in case the Firely people hadn’t already jizzed at the prospect of space pirates.

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“I’m gonna slather you up in Gunavian jelly, and go to town—”

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“Let’s make something clear.”

Colin:

Groot just gave Japan its first creepy nerd boner since…well Japan’s never really wanting for nerd boners.

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“This one here’s our booty.”

Colin:

Does Rocket fuck things?

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“You wanna get to him, you go through us.”

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“Or, more accurately—”

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“We go through you.”

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Colin:

Isn’t the play just that you get Groot somewhere else and fuck up the others? They now need to be with Groot constantly. How does he work in the showers?

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“I’m with them.”

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This is great. You’re completely on her side now. And you feel sympathy for her.

Also –

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Colin:

I like how we’re supposed to feel bad for her cause she’s hot, even though she’s legitimately murdered probably thousands.

Kinda like Helen Mirren.

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So what, she just gets her own cell? Did anybody tell her this? I didn’t see any guards showing her where to go. And what was gonna stop anyone from trying anything at that moment? I don’t get it. If they want her dead, just do it.

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He can definitely smell your cunt.

Colin:

Oh NO. 

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Not really sure what this is. Him just hanging out there. But okay.

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Colin:

Oh, it’s prison Darth Maul. His body looks ready.

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Damn, motherfucker’s got a spotlight.

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So she gets her own cell and the rest of them just sleep in a dog pile?

Colin:

Why does she get her own place if they’re all in this awful place? Is that the gender thing? But don’t a lot of these aliens have no gender? Seems like an inter-species prison is tricky.

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Do trees sleep?

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“Take her down to the showers. It’ll be easier to clean up the blood down there.”

Colin:

That’s a messed up line that doesn’t necessarily mean murder.

So wait, a guard just let them in? And we didn’t even see it? That’s fucked up. What was the purpose of her even getting the cell, then?

Colin:

Why is she out? Did they have access to her cell? If so, why did they go away after she closed the door? Is nobody explaining anything? I’m assuming it’s a guard. Oh, right, this guy’s a guard. But..why? Is he working for them? Where’s the Chris Rock in this jail? Where’s the Terry Crews? What’s Space McDonald’s taste like?

Actually, regular McDonald’s IS Space McDonald’s.

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Also, red green and yellow. They picked a color palette and are sticking with it. And they get the splashes of blue here and there. It’s nice how they’re using primary and secondary colors. You don’t get this kind of color most places. It’s pretty much this and Wes Anderson movies.

Colin:

And like…Pokemon and DBZ. It just occurred to me how anime and Japanese stuff is really good about sticking to color schemes.

And not to be too pedestrian in invoking Wes Anderson’s style, but can you imagine him doing a live action Pokémon movie?

(Mike Note: Click this before you read any further and let this play in the background. It’ll really enhance the experience.)

INT. ASH KETCHUM’S ROOM – NIGHT

Ash Ketchum is arranging the three POKÉMON FIGURINES on his dresser so that they face his bed. He lines them up perfectly, examining one after another.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Ash Ketchum was born and raised in the town of Pallet, the son of Delia Ketchum — though his paternal parentage was something more of a mystery. Though surrounded by a world inhabited by Pokémon, Ash remained as ignorant of their nature as he was enthusiastic.

Ash starts down the line one more time, beginning with the BULBASAUR FIGURINE.

ASH

Bulbasaur, the grass type…I wonder, could I remove the parasitic plant on its back?

Ash makes a note of that and continues to the SQUIRTLE FIGURINE.

ASH

Squirtle. I suppose that might be a good choice. Is it not spit, though?

Ash settles finally on the CHARMANDER FIGURINE.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Ash was to receive his first Pokémon the next morning, along with Pallet’s other ten-year-olds. The choice was more than he could manage, but which Pokémon he chose that evening would ultimately prove irrelevant.

Colin:

Can this be my job? Can I just write Pokémon movie scripts in different styles? Also, I can’t decide on who I’d want to do the narration. Is it Baldwin, Keitel, or Norton? Oh right, this movie.

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Is no one else awake to hear the rape go down?

And does no one else want in on the killing? Because before it seemed like a lot of people wanted in on the killing.

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Wait, wasn’t she on another level before? Why are they conveniently parading her past the cell that Quill is in right at the moment he wakes up?

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“Quill, where you going?”

How’d you know he was going anywhere?

Colin:

Can we do more of the Pokemon script?

Just like grandpa, I got you covered.

(P.S. Click first.)

EXT. PLAYGROUND – AFTERNOON

Many children train with their Pokémon all along the field in various stations. Each station is set up by Pokémon type, trainer level, and geometric shape.

Gary walks past dictating notes to a series of lackeys who follow him every step of the way. After each note, one of the lackeys breaks off to address it. Others arrive and fall in line, having completed their tasks.

GARY

I specifically asked for those perimeters to be symmetrical to the fence line. I want them redone to the proper specifications. The Water Cannons on those Vaporeon should be coming out at 338 PSI. Not a pound less. Have all the second years prepared to show me their battle techniques no later than 16:00. And so help me if they smog up the place again I will personally file a Code 1678-dash-B grievance with my grandfather.

He stops.

GARY

Figgins. Rachmaninov. How are the fossils coming?

The camera pans down to two boys digging in the dirt with picks. One of the boys shrugs. The camera pans back.

GARY

What’s that over there?

The camera pans back.

FIGGINS

I think it’s just a turkey bone.

The camera pans back.

GARY

First years.

He and his lackeys start walking again.

GARY

Leaderman, go help Marks before that Charizard kills him.

Leaderman, half the size of the rest of the lackeys, wedged between two oversized boys, goes over to corral the wild Charizard, who is flinging kids left and right behind them.

GARY

Is my Poké Ball satchel back from the upholsterers yet?

LACKEY #1

It is still being embroidered.

He picks up a photo of a perfectly stitched design of “G. Oak.”

GARY

Sometimes it’s like you have to do everything yourself. Where’s my lunch?

One of the lackeys hands him a slice of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, perfectly cut into the shape of an isosceles triangle with the crusts cut off. Gary takes a bite as, behind him, Leaderman single-handedly wrangles the Charizard to the ground.

Gary considers the PB&J.

GARY

It’s fair.

The flunky who brought it is pleased. Gary hands the sandwich back and continues walking.

Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the playground, Ash sits in the center of the bleachers, listening to a 1960s East Belgian pop song. Behind him, another Pokémon trainer paints a watercolor of a Starmie.

Out from the locker room walks Misty. She comes out and surveys the area. She sighs. She takes off her robe. One of the kids in the bleachers says:

BLEACHER KID #1

Nice bathing suit.

MISTY

Thanks. It used to belong to Harriet Beecher Stowe.

BLEACHER KID #2

The abolitionist?

MISTY

Obviously.

She slips off her shoes and goes over to the pool. She climbs up a ladder to the top of an incredibly high diving board. She stands on the edge and surveys the area. She looks all the way down at Ash, who is a mere speck. A passerby looks up and waves.

Misty does a complicated dive and lands perfectly into the water below.

Water splashes onto the bleachers, hitting everything but Ash. The student’s watercolor is now ruined.

PAINTER

Typical.

Misty comes up from the water right over to where Ash is sitting.

MISTY

Do you think I’m pretty?

ASH

I don’t understand the question.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 717

“Gamora – consider this a death sentence.”

What? What kind of court is this? Isn’t this just a murder? There’s no legal proceeding you can even make up that would make this a death sentence. At the very most, this is a revenge killing. There’s really no sentence about it.

Colin:

Nobody just slits throats. There’s always something to say. And if she’s so boss, why are three lowly prison thugs giving her issues?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 718

“For your crimes against the galaxy.”

Oh, for her crimes. Not for her outfit, or her shitty attitude, or for the way she cut him off in traffic that one time, and made him miss the appointment for his custody hearing, that made him lose visitation rights for his daughter, that made him go on the wagon again, that made him lose his job, and have to go back to stealing, and end up back in prison again, where he’d stew for months and months about what he’d do if he ever saw that green chick again.

Colin:

Are we gonna gloss over how she’s an intergalactic killing machine who’s supposed to be a living weapon created by the supposed supreme being of the galaxy? And how they gave us these scene where she’s overpowered by two random jailbirds with a shiv so that we can have Quill come to save her?

He seems to be taking a real self-righteous stance on all of this. Whatever crimes he’s convicting her on, he’s clearly taking into account everything she’s done and not just whatever it is she’s done to him personally. He can’t even possibly know what kind of crimes she’s actually committed against any or even most of the people in or outside this prison, yet he’s taking it upon himself to convict her of crimes against an entire GALAXY. Hell, he doesn’t even know if she’s responsible for any of them. This guy is more of an accuser than Ronan.

This is also just basically a lynch mob pretending to be a civil trial. I’d try to take this one to a court of appeals if I were her.

Cypher:

How can she take it to a court of appeals, if she’s DEAD?!

Guardians of the Galaxy - 719

“You dare!”

I bet this is that big fat guy in the background from before. I can’t think of anyone else this could possibly be. Maybe there’s someone else, but I can’t quite put my giant spotlight on it just now…

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Oh yeah.

Colin:

Holy shit, is that Dave Bautista?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 721

“You know who I am, yes?”

Is this a trick question? I feel like either answer gets you killed.

Colin:

Always. You always have to ask yourself if this is a trick question. No matter what question it is. Smart people will always try to mess with you, so you have to assume they might be asking you a trick question. “Colin, where’s the bathroom?” “It’s — wait. Wait.”

“You’re Drax. The Destroyer.”

Colin:

Drax the Destroyer. Because we couldn’t go another name without an X in it.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 722

“You know why they call me this?”

Because he destroys people, Avi.

Colin:

I can’t not read that in the voice.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 723

“You’ve slayed dozens of Ronan’s minions.”

Aww… the little yellow guys?

I’m actually very okay with that.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 724

Guardians of the Galaxy - 725

“Ronan murdered my wife, Hovat. And my daughter Kamaria.”

Colin:

This is where we find out she’s actually a good guy with some ridiculous comic book circumstances.

And a tendency to say people’s names who are dead and who have no bearing on this story. You only say the wife and daughter’s name when you’re confronted with Ronan. Because he did it, and he should be confronted with those names. This chick — no reason to say the names.

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Reaction shots are the key to…

Wait, if Ronan killed them, what does she have to do with anything?

You’re killing her because she works for him?

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“He slaughtered them where they stood.”

What if they stood on a line where people are meant to be slaughtered? What if they were just standing in the wrong place?

How do you slaughter someone where they stand? They’d have to move at some point. Or fall down. Maybe they fell funny.

I feel like I’d remember slaughtering someone where they stood would be a memorable day for me. At least make me stop and go, “Whoa, I just killed those people while they were standing totally upright, and they stayed that way.”

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“And he LAUGHED!”

Well isn’t that what you do?

What the hell else is he gonna do? Juggle flaming torches and sing a patter song?

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Notice how every time we get major exposition on a character, we cut to Quill absorbing all of it?

Colin:

He has to remember all of it. He’s a Quick Quotes Quill.

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“Her life is not yours to take. He killed my family.”

What if he killed the other peoples’ families too? What if he killed that person’s entire race of people? What takes precedent here?

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“I shall kill one of his in return.”

Well, I guess that makes sense.

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“Of course Drax. You’re right. Here, take my shiv.”

Colin:

andmybowandmyaxe?

Somewhere, a body spray company has not yet figured out they can use that for a stupidly hilarious commercial.

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Titty.

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I know she’s talented enough to have done that at any time, but seriously, she’s way outnumbered. Just gang up on her and start beating the shit out of her.

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“I am no family to Ronan. Or Thanos.”

That’s right, she isn’t family to Ronan at all. So this is actually bad logic on their parts.

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Mic drop!

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“I’m your only hope at stopping him.”

Colin:

What, she’s deep cover? Also, don’t drop your knives, you idiot.

Also, only hope? That’s not quite true. You have no idea who you’re selling that to. Plus, even so, is Benicio del Toro’s place really so secure that Thanos can never get there?

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“Woman, your words mean nothing to me!”

Colin:

I tell my girlfriend this every morning, but still, she insists on her yammering.

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“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!”

Colin:

He’s gonna stick his neck out for her cause they should probably fuck at some point.

He’s also sticking his neck out in a really low cut shirt.

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“You know, if killing Ronan is truly your sole purpose, I don’t think this is the best way to go about it.”

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“Are you not the man this witch attempted to kill?”

How do you know that? How does everybody know everything? This script circulates fast.

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“Well, I mean, she’s hardly the first woman who tried to do that to me.”

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“Look, this is from a smoking hot Rajak girl. Stabbed me with a fork, didn’t like me skipping out on her at sunrise.”

Colin:

You skip out after breakfast. Tell her you’ll call her. And then don’t. If you look like you’re really going to be sticking around, she might make you breakfast.

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“Right here, a Kree girl, tried to rip out my thorax. She caught me with a skinny little Aaskvarian who worked in Nova records. I was trying to get information.”

Colin:

Is he going through all the galactic honeypots he’s ever engaged in?

Seems like he only bangs people on Xandar. Unless Nova Records is a store and not what I assume it is. Weird how people with records don’t get caught by going to the same places all the time.

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“Ever see an Aaskvarian? They have tentacles and needles for teeth. If you think I’m seriously interested in that –”

So the one chick tried to kill him because he banged the one with tentacles and needle teeth. What happened when he skipped out on her?

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“You don’t care. But here’s the point. She betrayed Ronan. He ‘s coming back for her. And when he does –”

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“That’s when you –”

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“Why would I put my finger on his throat?”

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“What?”

Colin:

Moron. We’ve got a moron, everybody.

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“Oh no, that’s a symbol. This is a symbol.”

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“For you, slicing his throat.”

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“I would not slice his throat. I would cut his head clean off.”

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“It’s a general expression for you killing somebody.”

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“You’ve heard of this? You’ve seen this, right? You know what that is.”

Colin:

I love it when this moment happens to me. “I’m not crazy, right? This is a thing. No, it’s totally a thing.”

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“Yeah.”

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“No. No.”

Colin:

These are fun moments. I’m seeing where the fun comes from in this movie. It’s snarkier than the others.

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“What I’m saying is you wanna keep her alive. Don’t do his work for him.”

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Colin:

I want a movie where this scene happens after the character’s been all built up, and then he stabs her through the windpipe anyway and does a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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“I like your knife, I’m keeping it.”

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“That was my favorite knife.”

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“Listen, I could care less whether you live or whether you die.”

Colin:

You do care if she lives or dies. Tell me you don’t want some of that.

Yeah, but he’s saying that he doesn’t care if she lives or dies. He’s cool with either way.

Colin:

If she dies, she’ll be cool either way. And then cold either way.

Here’s a question — so does no one in the prison want to kill her anymore? Is she safe now? Will no one cross Drax? Seems weird that all of a sudden they all just drop the whole killing thing and let her sleep through the night.

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“Then why stop the big guy?”

“Simple. You know where to sell my orb.”

Colin:

Still back to the orb because there’s always an orb or a stone or a whatever. Wait, isn’t Thanos after these things? Is this an infinity stone? So the buyer must be the Benicio character from the end of Thor 2? Right?

I’m okay with this part. Because they don’t know what it does. To him, it’s just a payday. It’s after we know what it is that things get less interesting.

“How are we gonna sell it when we and it are still here?”

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“My friend Rocket here has escaped 22 prisons.”

Technically he escaped 22 times. Some of those might have been the same prison twice.

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“Oh, we’re getting out. And then we’re headed straight to Yondu to retrieve your bounty.”

I like the assumption, “Oh no, we’re totally breaking out of here.”

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“How much was your buyer willing to pay you for me orb?”

All those people are still sleeping.

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“Four billion units.”

Colin:

If I ever have a movie studio, every mention of a large quantity of money will prompt a cut to Scrooge McDuck in his vault.

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“What?!”

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“Holy shit.”

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“That orb is my opportunity to get away from Thanos and Ronan.”

Not… really. But okay.

Colin:

Yeah, how, exactly? It’s not at all. How is money gonna protect you? How can you go somewhere they can’t find you?

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“If you free us, I’ll lead you to the buyer directly and I’ll split the profit between the three of us.”

Who was the third party? Still curious how that happened.

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“I am Groot.”

“Four of us.”

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“Asleep for the danger, awake for the money, as per frickin’ usual.”

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Colin:

You know what? Good for you, Vin Diesel. You probably got paid millions of dollars for saying three words in a few different ways. You don’t just get that job.

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“You have been betrayed, Ronan.”

Palpatine?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 796

“We know only that she has been captured. Gamora may yet recover the orb.”

Colin:

I’m sorry, I just really, really, really cannot be asked to pay attention to yet another conversation between yet another pair of inconsequential, indistinguishable villains arguing over yet another plot against them as they execute yet another gambit for the universe. These scenes are my least favorite scenes in movies now. I would honestly – and I TRULY mean this – I would rather watch C-SPAN.

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“No. Our sources within the Kyln say Gamora has her own plans for the orb. Your partnership with Thanos is at risk.”

Sources? Do they get visitation rights? Even the guards — how is information getting out of there?

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“Thanos requires your presence. Now!”

Well, they made Loki randomly transport. Is that gonna happen too?

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Now you’re just staring at a blank wall like a jackass.

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Weird that he puts on the makeup every day, even if he doesn’t do any accusing.

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What a shitty domain.

Did you fly there? Are we gonna gloss over how much he had to drive to go there?

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“With all due respect, Thanos, your daughter made this mess. And yet you summon me.”

“I would lower my voice, Acccuser…”

At least he’s accusing.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 803

And he keeps talking shit. She lost a fight with a human, then she got arrested. He’s telling potentially the most powerful being in the universe (though we don’t know exactly what Thanos’ power is) that his daughter is a fuck-up.

Colin:

WHO ARE THESE NON-PEOPLE? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!

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Colin:

She’s doing some Luke Skywalker hand repair, or what?

How is she with handys?

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And this guy’s like, “Yet you’re the one here with absolutely squadoosh to show for it all.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 807

“Your sources say she meant to betray us the whole time!”

WHO ARE THESE SOURCES?

You know what they say about sources:

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“Lower your tone!”

Goddamn, Palpy, look at your fucking teeth.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 809

Guardians of the Galaxy - 810

J’accuse!

Guardians of the Galaxy - 811

Goddamn. She’s turned on.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 812

He was annoying as fuck. But still, a bold move.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 813

Now you’re basically all in on this orb thing.

Though it seems like he couldn’t kill Xandar without help anyway, so he was basically all in from the start. So what does he have to lose?

Colin:

This is dumb.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 814

Thanos just let this shit happen. The most passive man in the universe has the most active plan to blow it up.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 815

Is it weird that I’m attracted to the cyborg?

Colin:

Does she like dancing?

So far the single greatest scene of 2015.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 816

“I only ask that you take this matter seriously.”

Why does he have black painted all over his face?

Though that is pretty badass. “I just killed your guy and failed you. But it’s your daughter’s fault and all I want is for you to actually deal with this shit for once.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 817

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“The only matter I do not take seriously, BOY—”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 819

“Is you.”

Look at this Lord Zedd looking motherfucker.

Also, he just called him boy.

Was that racist? I wanna feel like that was racist.

Colin:

I mean, I like that he’s Josh Brolin’s voice, but I really do not care about any of this at all. I know I’ve railed against these movies for setting up shitty villains and cookie-cutter plots, but this is even worse than usual. There are already like 15 characters I’m supposed to keep track of, and all I know is that the orb is important.

I love that the racist line started with a Chinese myth dragon.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 820

“Your politics bore me.”

They bore me too, honestly.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 821

“Your demeanor is that of a pouty child.”

That’s true too. Thanos is pretty good at this put down stuff.

Not as good as Professor Trelawney, but still pretty good.

Colin:

Also related to the Chinese myth dragon.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 822

“And apparently you alienated my favorite daughter Gamora.”

Well that’s a shitty thing to say in front of your other daughter.

I also like how he assumes it’s Ronan’s fault.

This would have never happened if it was Saoirse Ronan.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 823

“I shall honor our agreement, Kree. If you bring me the orb.”

Colin:

Why does he live in such a shitty place and sit on a throne? What a waste of your time.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 824

“But come back to me again empty handed, and I will bathe the starways in your blood.”

I don’t think you can bathe very many of them.

Also, what a shitty villain. “You’re an asshole, your daughter’s a fuck up, and I just killed your boy.” “Oh, well I can’t stay mad at you. You go do that thing I’m too lazy to do, and if you screw up, I’ll kill you. But only then.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 825

Is that stubble on his chin?

Colin:

Does he not have a better place? Where does he eat? Where did he make stuff? Where does he get his clothes? None of this matters?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 826

Guardians of the Galaxy - 827

That’s pretty far away to be holding that.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 828

“Thanks, Dad. Sounds fair.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 829

Colin:

Who refuels your throne?

Which, this is what Kanye thinks about. Watch the Throne was Kanye thinking about himself in that throne.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 830

“This is one fight you won’t win.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 831

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And that’s basically his entire purpose in the movie. To just show up.

Colin:

Why do you have armor on if all you do is sit around? What a bitch character.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 833

“If we’re gonna get out of here, we’re gonna need to get into that launch tower.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 834

“And to do that, I’m gonna need a few things.”

Colin:

I like prison breaks. That’s a good premise for a movie.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 835

“The guards wear security bands to control their ins and outs. I need one.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 836

“Leave it to me.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 837

“That dude there. I need his prosthetic leg.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 838

“His leg?”

“Yeah. God knows I don’t need the rest of him. Look at him, he’s useless.”

Colin:

You’re gonna take this poor asshole’s leg? Poor Stumpy.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 839

“All right.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 840

“And finally, on the wall back there is a black panel. Blinky yellow light. You see it?”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 841

Guardians of the Galaxy - 842

“Yeah.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 843

“There’s a quarnex battery behind there.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 844

“Purplish box. Green wires. To get into that watchtower I definitely need it.”

I like the single take aspect of this.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 845

“How are we supposed to do that?”

“Well, supposedly these bald bodies find you attractive, so maybe you can work out some sort of trade.”

Bald bodies?

Also, pretty great that he just told an assassin to fuck a dude for trade.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 846

“You must be joking.”

“No I really heard they find you attractive.”

From whom?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 847

“Look, it’s twenty feet up in the air, and it’s in the middle of the most heavily guarded part of the prison. It’s impossible to get up there without being seen.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 848

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Colin:

He’s been hanging with Groot for a long time, so shouldn’t he know that Groot would have that taken care of?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 850

“I got one plan, and that plan requires a frickin’ quarnex battery.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 851

“So figure it out!”

You said that kinda loud.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 852

“Can I get back to it?”

Colin:

This is how you do a long scene with exposition. This is great. Groot’s like, fuck that shit, I’m grabbing it. Only he can’t say that, so mostly he’s like, “I am Groot.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 853

Guardians of the Galaxy - 854

“Now, this is important. Once the battery is removed, everything is gonna slam into emergency mode.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 855

“Once we have it, we’ve gotta move quickly.”

I love that Drax is just there with his lunch, watching all of this.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 856

“So you definitely need to get that last.”

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“Or we could just get it first and improvise.”

Colin:

And with that, they successfully set up a playful scene. Good for you.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 863

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“I’ll get the arm band.”

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“Leg.”

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“Prisoner, drop the device immediately and retreat to your cell or we will open fire.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 874

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“I am—”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 876

“GROOT!”

I think that means, “Bring it on motherfuckers.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 877

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Clearly not Chris Pratt.

Colin:

Wow. That’s amazingly not Chris Pratt. That’s not even Chris Kratt. And yeah, I watched the shit out of Kratt’s Creatures. That show was awesome.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 885

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“You idiot!”

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“How am I supposed to fight these things without my stuff?”

Colin:

Groot doesn’t really get hurt, though, right? Unless they have flamethrowers I guess.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 891

Trees don’t do that.

Colin:

He can just grow shit on his body, which is great.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 892

Guardians of the Galaxy - 893

Trees shouldn’t be able to stop bullets like that.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 894

Guardians of the Galaxy - 895

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They set the characters and the situations up so well. So when a character is about to do something awesome, you get really excited for them to do it.

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Colin:

This is where Dave Bautista’s paycheck really counts. You have to feel bad for the guards. Do we know what he’s in for?

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“Creepy little beast.”

Colin:

That’s a good name for him.

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“Oh, yeah.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 929

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 931

Christmas card.

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Colin:

It’s like a POV porno but with ents

Guardians of the Galaxy - 934

POV gun-shooting? This movie was fucking well-directed.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 935

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GET SOME!

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“You need my what?”

There really aren’t many things he could have said that sound like that.

Colin:

I hate when movies do this line these days. You heard him. You know what he needs. Nobody says that.

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Wouldn’t that have been great? If they did her going along the walkway in a single shot, Oldboy style?

Colin:

Fine woman running down a catwalk and messing people up. I’m thinking Olga at the end of Quantum of Solace.

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“I’ll need this.”

“Good luck.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 964

“It’s internally wired.”

Colin:

Maybe just cut off the arm?

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“I’ll figure something out.”

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“Drop the leg!”

Really? You consider him dangerous with a fucking metal leg?

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“Drop the leg and move back to your cell.”

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Colin:

Apparently he was dangerous with a metal leg.

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Colin:

Yes, we get it. Chris Pratt shoots things.

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“Rocket!”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 985

Pretty good throw.

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“Move to the watchtower!”

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Colin:

This prison break doesn’t have enough mayhem.

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Damn, that’s surgically enhanced? I could buy genetically enhanced, but surgery can do that?

Colin:

Korea.

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Colin:

Groot can make a ladder just like that??? Why’d it take his arm that long to grow back?

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Convenient there are no more of those flying things right now.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1001

Ah, speak of the devil.

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Goddamn, Drax.

Colin:

Seriously, that’s one of those things where you have to stop and just…Marvel.

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“You.”

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“Man who has laid with an Aaskvarian.”

Colin:

HAHA DAVE BAUTISTA CALLED YOU OUT FOR GETTIN STRANGE PUSSY

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“It was one time, man.”

Colin:

Once is all you need.

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“We need all available guards in full combat gear.”

Why didn’t you need them before this?

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