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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Part III — “What Key Lime Children Would They Make?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the third part of Guardians of the Galaxy.

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We begin Part III on a ship named after a cookie.

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Nice space colors.

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Colin:

Flying into red, yellow and green space. There’s our color palette.

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“Yo, Ranger Rick, what are you doing? You can’t take apart my ship without asking me.”

Colin:

He’s just ripping shit apart because what the hell, right? You’re in a functioning spacecraft, I’m sure none of that is necessary to keep you alive and shooting through the void.

His 80s pop culture references aren’t working for me.

Also, yes, that’s probably a safety issue. But honestly, hearing him throw out these references out of nowhere feels clunkier than the actual bad dialogue that’s in this movie.

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“What is this?”

“Don’t touch that. It’s a bomb.”

“A bomb?”

“Yup.”

“And you leave it lying around?”

“I was gonna put it in a box.”

“What’s a box gonna do?”

Colin:

Boxes don’t really “do” anything.

I’m actually forgetting — does that bomb ever get used? Would that make it the first time in Marvel they mentioned something and not had it return later as something?

Chekhov just shot himself.

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“How bout this one?”

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“No, whoa, hey, leave it alone.”

Colin:

Oh, he never opened mom’s present. What if it was the key to his Space Gringotts vault? Wouldn’t you wanna open that? Is he just never opening it because he doesn’t want to admit she’s gone? Cause here’s a news flash, pal: YOU’RE gone now.

What if it was a bomb she wrapped?

Also, did Rocket just say, “Hey, here’s a box looking thing, let’s put my bomb in that?”

And side story — not that it has anything to do with presents. I just wanted to make my feelings known on the subject: I fucking hate greeting cards. The idea, the execution, everything about them. To me, a card is so fucking disingenuous. And they cost like $3 a piece. Which is ridiculous. Shit is already printed on them, and all you do is say who it’s for and who it’s from. And mostly they have money in them. So really all you’re doing is looking at the money. The card becomes unimportant.

I’ve been on a crusade against greeting cards from a young age. My way of thinking is (even if they’re funny): if you don’t make it yourself, it’s pointless. I’d rather get a drawing of a middle finger than a greeting card. And I told my entire family this. I said, “Don’t do it.” I don’t care if it means you give me nothing, don’t give me a card. And one time, I randomly got a card from my mother, and flat out refused to open it. And it sat in my room (probably still is back there) for years, unopened. Could have had a winning lottery ticket in there. Could have had the formula to cure Extremis. I’ll never know. Most people would think that was an asshole thing to do, but I think of it as demonstrating conviction.

Anyway, back to the movie, and what we all know is inside that present.

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“Why, what is it?”

“Shut up.”

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“What’s that?”

“That’s for if things get really hardcore.”

Colin:

I’ve heard that line before, but never in this context. He’s kinda like Stark, but weirdly, he’s more like Cheadle. Just not from this franchise.

I like how the bomb isn’t for when things get hardcore. The bomb is just for fun.

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“Or if you wanna blow up moons.”

Isn’t that what sniper rifles are for?

“No one’s blowing up moons.”

Don’t kill the coon’s dreams.

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“You just wanna suck the joy out of everything.”

I’ll get on the waiting list for that. Oh, he meant…

Colin:

Her job in this movie is to be no fun.

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“So listen, I’m gonna need your buyer’s coordinates.”

“We’re headed in the right direction. For now.”

I like the idea that they don’t trust each other. I wish there was more of that dynamic.

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“If we’re gonna work together, you might wanna try trusting me a little bit.”

And if you’re gonna fuck too.

“And how much do you trust me?”

What if he showed her some version of complete trust right now? How would she respond to that?

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“I’d trust you a lot more if you told me what this was. Cause I’m guessing it’s some kind of weapon.”

It’s pretty obvious that it’s a weapon. And yet you’re still planning on selling it.

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“I don’t know what it is.”

Colin:

WHAT’S IN THE OOOO-RB?!

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Why hasn’t anyone tried opening it yet?

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“If it’s a weapon, we should use it against Ronan.”

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“Put it down, you fool, you’ll destroy us all.”

That’s one of my goals in life, to do something that elicits that exact response.

“Or just you, murderess!”

Colin:

I like the Dave Bautista character. Though it would have been much funnier if they’d met him in prison and he did the, “Do you know who I am?” part and the guys were like, “Yeah, you’re Dave Bautista. Former MMA fighter who lost his family to Ronan.” And all that was just tattoos.

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“I let you live once, princess.”

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“I am not a princess!”

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“Hey! Nobody is killing anybody on my ship!”

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“We’re stuck together until we get the money.”

I like this set up. It’s flimsier than I’d like, but I’ll take it. The people who don’t really like each other but are together until they reach a goal. Which they will of course not reach, but by that time they’ll like each other and want to stay together.

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“I have no interest in money.”

Colin:

“I’m Dave Bautista. I don’t need your…MONEY.”

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“Great.”

Love it when those statements backfire. “I don’t want the fucking money.” “Okay, cool.”

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“That means more money for the three of us.”

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“For the four of us. Partners.”

Colin:

Everyone’s trying to short-change Groot, and he’s really the best of them. The only nice person, anyway.

I want to see how his bank account situation works.

Mostly I like the idea of a sentient tree walking into a bank to withdraw funds.

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“We have an agreement, but I would never be partners with the likes of you. I’ll tell the buyer we’re on our way.”

Colin:

You’ll never be partners with him? I know you’re an actress, but those are some pretty high-calorie words you just committed yourself to eating.

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Booty!

“And Quill, your ship is filthy.”

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“Oh, she has no idea. If I had a black light, this place would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.”

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I involuntarily laughed really loud when I heard this. I couldn’t believe they let them put this in there. And I was sitting next to a group of like, seven year old Asian kids. And one of them didn’t know why everyone was laughing.

Colin:

Wow. I was going to ask about why Rocket would know of Jackson Pollock, but that line was filthy enough and Pratt’s face was good enough that I just laughed. Well done, sirs.

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“You got issues, Quill.”

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Colin:

By the way, this is still Marvel. Five seconds of establishing a spaceship in the middle of space before cutting to the interior. Assholes. If I wasn’t so behind on shit, I’d be watching The Fifth Element right now. And then I’d come back to this and probably enjoy it to a degree.

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Is this where Voldemort goes through and kills everybody?

Colin:

Yellow dude in a yellow jumpsuit. And the creepy fat chick.

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“If he knew where they were, he’d have already told us.”

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“Ronan, the Nova Corps has sent a fleet to defend the prison.”

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So he basically decides to leave and tells them to find the orb.

He really has no purpose at all. Well, that’s not true. He has no real development as a villain, is what it is.

Colin:

He’s a little too Darth Maul samurai for me. Why does everyone have to be blue? Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that there are like 20 bad guys in this movie who are all blue?

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Oh, and they’re gonna kill everyone.

Colin:

I love that he has that thought last. “Oh…and I guess kill everyone.”

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So, I know people are supposed to take this as, “Man, that’s a cold-blooded thing to do.” I saw this as weak, for one. Like, “Oh, I guess this is what villains are supposed to do in this situation, so let’s just have him kill everyone so we can make sure everyone still knows he’s our villain.”

But mostly I’m thinking about how he actually just really helped out a lot of taxpayers. That’s a lot of prisoners they no longer need to pay for.

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Nice roofs.

Colin:

More establishing shots because we can’t remember the weird guy we’re about to see again. Are you kidding? That’s one of the only guys I DO remember.

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“You got any other cute little buggers like this’un?”

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“I’d like to stick ‘em all in a row in my control console.”

Which is pretty great, that he’s about to buy expensive things and treat them like plastic pieces of shit.

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“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“He’s being fully serious.”

Colin:

Nice to know that people all over galaxy buy gaudy shit. 

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“But first you’re gonna tell me what this orb is, and why everybody cares so damn much about it. And then they’re gonna tell me who might wanna buy it.”

Colin:

WHAT’S IN THE OOOO-RB?! Hey guys, how about this: how about no stupid MacGuffins anymore? Like, at the very least, Captain America 2 didn’t have one of those. No orbs or cubes or Aethers.

I wonder what they’re gonna do after Infinity War. No more bullshit to build toward.

Colin:

There’s always more bullshit, Mike. Marvel always feeds the bull.

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“Sir, the high end community is—”

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I don’t even know how to put these sounds into words.

“Oobily, laboo labooliboo.”

We’re going with that.

Colin:

This is the best. Rooker’s the best. If you’re going to menace someone, it’s better to make fun of their fancy way of speaking at the same time.

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“The high end community–”

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“Oobily, labo bilybo.”

“It’s a tight-knit–”

“Ba biloo.”

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“Ookibily.”

“The high end community is a very tight knit—”

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“Ookolyay bobily—”

Colin:

Just more of this. I’d watch a movie of this.

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“I cannot possibly betray the confidentiality of my buyers!”

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His head gets red when he gets mad.

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Colin:

So that, right there, that makes him better than Hawkeye. Hawkeye ain’t shit compared to this guy.

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“Now, who again is this buyer of yours?”

What I don’t get is — he’s gonna tell him the buyer, but not the whole “Ronan wants it” part. Which I guess he doesn’t know about as much. Only Quill mentioned that. So it’s not that bad. But still, at least warn him or something.

Oh, and at this point, does he pull an Eli Wallach and hold him at gunpoint (or arrowpoint) and take his little frog things?

Colin:

I like people who smile like this when they have the upper hand.

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Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg.

(Right, though?)

Colin:

I was thinking Space Liberace.

That’s who the character is modeled after. But that cut was straight out of the Fifth Element.

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“Carina.”

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“Yes, master?”

Colin:

“Hey, honey, what’s on the TV?” “Dust.”

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“Your people do have elbows, do they not?”

Is that Malekith? Or another dark elf?

Colin:

That’s a dark elf in there, huh? Must suck to be him.

Do people come to look at this museum? Does this guy at least get to be on display? Or does he just stay in this cage at all times like an asshole in an empty building?

I’m picturing long hours with this chick cleaning the glass and building a relationship with him. You know the trope.

“We do, master.”

Colin:

This stupid bitch had to check to see if she had elbows.

“Then use them. I don’t have to remind you what happened to the last attendant who disappointed me.”

You have to remind us.

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Goddamn.

Colin:

Is this cool? What happens if the elf dies? Did he not already have one of the pink species before? Cause if not, it’s weird that they weren’t in the collection and worked for it. And if so, did he throw out some other pink bitch to make room for this one’s punishment? Where does one procure more pink bitches? The Pepto Bis-Mall?

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“Chop chop.”

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“Moonage Daydream”!

“Heads up, we’re inbound!”

Colin:

He’s just practicing his draw to look cool. These are the little moments that these movies need more of. Character building.

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Colin:

There always has to be a “whoa.”

Better than a “woo hoo.”

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“What is it?”

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“It’s called Knowhere. The severed head of an ancient celestial being.”

That’s fucking gnarly.

Colin:

That’s pretty great. This whole location is in some space monster’s dome piece.

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Colin:

Keeping with those colors, too.

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“Be wary headed in, rodent. There are no regulations whatsoever here.”

So it’s a western town. I’m down for that.

Colin:

Great location. This is the Tortuga of the Marvel universe.

Zoe Saldana was actually at Tortuga.

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Crank up the Bowie!

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What’s The Collector doing on a mining colony?

Oh, well I guess that answers itself, doesn’t it?

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“Hundreds of years ago, the Tivan group sent workers in to mine the organic matter within the skull.”

Colin:

Hundreds of years? How is there still anything left?

The Tivan group? So this guy’s descended from Space Rockefellers?

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“Bone, brain tissue, spinal fluid, all rare resources, highly valued in black markets across the galaxy.”

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“It’s dangerous and illegal work, suitable for outlaws.”

I’m feeling Blade Runner here.

Colin:

I’m feeling Hashima. That’s the island they used for the exterior shots in Skyfall. It was a mining operation outside Nagasaki and for a little while, it was the most densely populated place on the planet, until the mines ran out and everyone split. I’d love this place to be that location. Like, it’s really lucrative, so they build it up and replace the skull bit by bit with city as more and more miners come with their families and stuff.

And then finally, it’s all mined out and they never build more city for the last part because there’s no reason to build new stuff as the last bits are being mined, so they finish mining, desert the place, and all that’s left is a city in space that’s shaped like the head of a celestial monster that got shot through the back of the skull. Tell me that isn’t awesome.

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“Well, I come from a planet of outlaws. Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, John Stamos…”

You know about Stamos? I’m starting to question this guy’s references.

Colin:

I don’t think I really understand the Stamos joke. Not why it’s a joke, but why they chose to do that.

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“Sounds like a place which I would like to visit.”

“You should.”

I could have sworn the rest of this line was Drax saying, “And kill many people there.”

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“Watch your wallets.”

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Utinni! Filthy creatures.

Colin:

Must be hard, growing up a poor orphan inside an alien head. 

I was born a poor space child.

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Colin:

Groot’s a good guy. Though it’s kinda creepy to hand a child a piece of your body.

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Flowers don’t keep you fed.

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“We are to wait here for his representative.”

His representative has elbows.

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Always have to have someone getting thrown out or shot in your space bar.

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“This is no respectable establishment. What do you expect us to do while we wait?”

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“My Orloni has won, as I win at all things!”

Colin:

I have no idea what this game is, but it’s awesome. As is Dave Bautista.

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‘Now let’s put more of this liquid into our bodies!”

Colin:

Yes, Dave Bautista. Yes.

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“That’s the first thing you said that wasn’t batshit crazy.”

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“Man, you wouldn’t believe what they charge for fuel out here. I might actually lose money on this job.”

Colin:

Aw. Space view, which means that we’re gonna swap some space feelings. Bitches love swapping space feelings.

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“My connection is making us wait.”

What is this, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”?

I knew she would meet her connection.

… At her feet was a Footloose man.

Hmm.

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“That’s just a negotiation tactic. Trust me, this is my specialty.”

Your specialty is banging colorful chicks.

Taste the Space Rainbow.

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“Yours is more – ‘stab, stab, those are my terms’.”

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“My father didn’t stress diplomacy.”

“Thanos?”

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“He’s not my father.”

He’s kind of your father. The way Yondu is kind of Quill’s father.

Either way — did either stress diplomacy?

Cypher

How could he stress diplomacy — if he’s DEAD?!

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“When Thanos took my home world, he killed my parents in front of me. He tortured me, turned me into a weapon.”

Colin:

Her backstory and why she’s betrayed her adopted father. Basically, she’s an orphan who was given powers.

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“When he said he was gonna destroy an entire planet for Ronan, I – I couldn’t stand by.”

Colin:

Wait, so she’s probably just a Na’vi who Thanos pissed on, right?

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Aww shit, it’s that time.

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“Why would you risk your life for this?”

Oh, now we’re getting to the flirting, after the exposition.

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“My mother gave it to me.”

At least she didn’t give you her eyes.

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“My mom liked sharing with me all the pop songs that she liked growing up. I happened to have it on me when I was – the day that she – when I left earth.”

Good thing he grew up in the 80s. Because now it’s like, “Here are the songs of my youth.”

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I want circular doors.

Also, isn’t it crazy that this bar overlooks SPACE?

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“What do you do with it?”

*zip* “This.”

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“Do? Nothing. You listen to it. Or you dance.”

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“I’m a warrior. And an assassin. I do not dance.”

Colin:

Maybe you don’t think you dance, but you put a little too much sexy in your voice for me to believe you.

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“Really? Well, on my planet, there’s a legend about people like you. It’s called Footloose.”

At least it’s not called Irreversible.

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“And in it, a great hero, named Kevin Bacon, teaches an entire people with sticks up their butts that dancing – well, it’s the greatest thing there is.”

Colin:

You know, this sort of thing you can take or leave. It’s so cheap. The hero named ‘Kevin Bacon.’ Anything like this, if you’re not into the movie, really falls flat. But if you’re enjoying it, you have that moment of, “OH! He’s talking about a thing we all know! That’s not really an accurate description! HAHA!”

I’m sort of in between here. I am enjoying the movie, but I also feel like that was cheap. I’m willing to go along with it, because at least they’re having fun.

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“Who put the sticks up their butts?”

“What? No, that’s just a—”

“That is cruel.”

“A phrase people use…”

Isn’t that a Drax thing to do? Misinterpret a metaphor?

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You guys remember There’s Something About Mary?

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“Fooled Around and Fell in Love,” Elvis Bishop.

Great pulls.

It’s weird. The first half of the film has great music choices, and at the end, they get a lot more mainstream and predictable, but they’re all great songs, so you can’t get too angry with them.

But something like this, it’s a great song that nobody uses in movies. (And then you get to the end, and it’s a song that everybody uses. I wish they had all songs that nobody uses, and then it actually would have been one of the best movie soundtracks of all time. Rather than just an awesome one from this year.)

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This is how music in movies is supposed to be used. Completely moves the emotions along without any dialogue being necessary.

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“The melody is pleasant!”

Colin:

I don’t care whose wife she is. I don’t like a dame who gets noisy after a few snifters.

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I like how all these other chicks he doesn’t take seriously, but you meet one green assassin…

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Does she cum Ecto-Cooler?

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“No!”

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“What the hell!”

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“I know who you are, Peter Quill.”

That’s right, she kinda does. You’ve already bragged about banging a lot of women.

Colin:

That’s true. Are they not gonna bang? Can they bang? How does this work? What kind of key lime children would they make?

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“And I am not some starry-eyed waif here to succumb to your – your – pelvic sorcery!”

GREAT phrase.

And great band name.

And now for “Hard in Love,” by Pelvic Sorcery…

Colin:

She just called it “pelvic sorcery.” And she is here to succumb to that. That’s exactly why she’s in this movie.

“That’s not what’s happening.”

Pelvic Sorcery is the space term for Magic Dick.

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Colin:

I’ll also take this opportunity to point out that of the five, Gamora is the only one who’s no fun at all.

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“Oh, no.”

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“Stop it!”

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Colin:

You don’t fight Groot. Even drunk. Which – does he drink Groot beer?

If I saw a giant dude fighting a tree, I’d consider that a good night out.

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That thing only stuns.

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“Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?”

Making their ancestors proud.

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“This vermin speaks of affairs he knows nothing about.”

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“That is true.”

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“He has no respect.”

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“That is also true.”

So really we’re all okay then.

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“Hold on!”

That one chick with the hair lost interest already.

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“Keep calling me vermin, tough guy.”

Colin:

He doesn’t like being called a rodent or vermin. I hope I don’t have to point out that it’s a raccoon that’s making the appeals for racial sensitivity.

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“You just wanna laugh at me like everyone else.”

Has he laughed at him yet?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1371

“Rocket, you’re drunk. All right? No one’s laughing at you.”

Colin:

Chris Pratt does his Chris Pratt thing.

“He thinks I’m some stupid thing. He does.”

What’s with that lady standing over Rocket?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1372

“Well I didn’t ask to get made!”

I like that they show his internal anger and how his persona is a huge mask for that. They don’t go too over the top with it, which is nice.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1373

“I didn’t ask to be torn apart and put back together over and over–”

How many times did they need to put him back together? And why was he awake for that?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1374

“—and turned into some— some little monster.”

“Rocket, no one’s calling you a monster.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1375

“He called me vermin! She called me rodent!”

Not monster.

Someone should teach him about animals.

Also, are there raccoons in space? Where’d they get him?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1376

“Let’s see if you can laugh after five or six good shots in your frickin’—”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1377

“No, no, no, no, no – four billion units, Rocket!”

Well now everyone in this outlaw bar where there are no regulations knows how much you’re gonna get paid.

Colin:

Is it cool to be saying this in front of a whole bar full of less than trustworthy characters? Would they not ALL try to sell these guys out right now?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1378

“Suck it up for one more lousy night and you’re rich.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1379

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1380

I like that the money appeals to them over any other thing. “The universe? Ehh. But money? Okay. I won’t kill him yet.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1381

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1382

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1383

“Fine. But I can’t promise that when all this is over I’m not gonna kill every last one of you jerks.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1384

“See, that’s exactly why none of you have any friends! Five seconds after you meet somebody, you’re already trying to kill ‘em.”

Who’s fault is this? That seemed unnecessary. Who started this fight?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1385

“We have traveled halfway across the quadrant.’

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1386

That was great. Put the second hand there.

“And Ronan is no closer to being dead.”

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1388

“Drax!”

“Let him go. We don’t need him.”

Yeah, but until you get paid, you should probably make sure he doesn’t do anything crazy.

Colin:

Don’t let him go. He’s a walking liability. He just started a potentially lethal bar fight and has no interest in money. This is the guy you have to watch EXTRA closely.

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1390

Meanwhile…

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“Milady Gamora, I’m here to fetch you for my master.”

Colin:

This pink bitch gives me Molly Shannon vibes.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1392

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1393

They really like to start scenes with her ass.

I am okay with this.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1394

“Okay, this isn’t creepy at all.”

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“We house the galaxy’s largest collection of fauna, relics, and species of all matter.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1396

Space dog!

Colin:

How is Laika here and still alive? How does he keep them all alive?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1397

Colin:

Is he going to want to keep Rocket and Groot?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1398

“I present to you Taneleer Tivan.”

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“The Collector.”

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“My dear Gamora.”

Colin:

Benicio is a lovely addition to this cast. I guess he runs the whole place? He’s the Lando of Cloud Shitty.

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1402

“How wonderful to meet in the flesh.”

Who does her hair?

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1404

“Let’s bypass the formalities, Tivan. We have what we discussed.”

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“What is that? Thing?”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1406

“I am Groot.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1407

“I never thought I’d meet a Groot.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1408

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1409

“Sir.”

That was a great way of saying hello.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1410

“You must allow me to pay you now so that I may own your carcass. At the moment of your death, of course.”

Colin:

Wow, if that was a thing, cool. I don’t know where Groot keeps his money, though.

Probably in a space bank.

The only question is, what… branch?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1411

“I am Groot.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1412

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1413

“That’s your pet?”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1414

That’s nice. Cut to this reaction, since we should all be thinking, “No, no, don’t do that.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1415

“What?!”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1416

“Tivan, we have been halfway around the galaxy retrieving this orb.”

Colin:

Does his collection go on loan, or does he invite people to his space monster skull, or…where’d the space monster come from? He doesn’t have one of those.

I think he does. They said it was the Tivan group who came here to mine it. I feel like he owns this entire place.

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“Very well, then. Let us see what you brought.”

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Colin:

There are a lot of these moments. Trying to break the tension by being a moron. It’s nice, when it isn’t TOO over the top and obvious.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1424

SPACE HOOKERS.

Colin:

Chick on the left looks like if Eyes Wide Shut had been a Sisqo video.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1425

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1426

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1427

What you swattin’ at?

Colin:

Funny how Drax is still wasted and the rest of them are cool.

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1429

Is he looking at space porn?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1430

“You shall send a message for me.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1431

“Oh, my new friends.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1432

“Before creation itself, there were six singularities.”

Why are you randomly telling them this?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1433

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1434

“Then the universe exploded into existence.”

Colin:

Benicio gives us exposition we don’t want.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1435

I like these circle things, but I have no idea what their purpose is.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1436

This is like three movies now where we have this, right? Killian’s brain — I feel like something in Thor had this. It’s like every little thing becomes part of the formula.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1437

Colin:

Kinda weird that he gives the exposition instead of checking to see what it was and then paying them before telling them to beat it.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1438

“And the remnants of these systems were forged into concentrated ingots.”

So we’ve seen yellow, purple, blue and red so far, right?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1439

I was hoping a baby raptor would come out of there.

Also — great rap name. Baby Raptor.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1440

What’s that picture behind him? All the infinity stones in pill form? Or is this them melted down to gems so they can fit in that boxing glove?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1441

“Infinity Stones.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1442

“These stones, it seems, can only be brandished by beings of extraordinary strength.”

Brandished is a weird word. Since how many people are holding them in their hands.

Also, fuck you — Natalie had that shit in her for half a movie and was fine. She is NOT that strong.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1443

Colin:

Pink bitch flashes a devious look.

Completely not tracking her motivations here whatsoever.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1444

“Observe.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1445

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1446

“These carriers can use the stones to mow down entire civilizations like wheat in a field.”

Colin:

So this stone destroys shit? Don’t they all destroy shit?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1447

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1448

Who filmed this if the planet got destroyed?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1449

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1450

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1451

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1452

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1453

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1454

Is this a reenactment?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1455

“There’s a little pee coming out of me right now.”

Do you have a shower on your ship? I’m actually curious how these people bathe. Are you still working off the orange goop?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1456

“Once, for a moment, a group was able to share the energy amongst themselves.”

This is a cool way to hang Christmas lights. On your Eyes Wide Shut party.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1457

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1458

“But even they were quickly destroyed by it.”

Colin:

Oh, is one of them his dad or something? Or his uncle or whomever? This guy has the same shaped goggles.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1459

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1460

Someone filmed this.

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She literally wants that purple stuff.

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“Beautiful.”

He’s the best.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1469

“Beyond compare.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1470

Just in case you didn’t know she was tricksy.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1471

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1472

“Blah, blah, blah. We’re all very –”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1473

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1475

“Fascinated, whitey, but we’d like to get paid.”

Of course, because the exposition is out of the way.

But also, nice imitation of what he just did. I wonder if the original motion was scripted or if he just made it up and they worked that in. Since the guy who played Yondu’s southern right hand guy actually did on-set mo-cap for Rocket, so I imagine he played off of what Benicio did and they animated that. Still, I like that a mo-cap character has that ability. Adds an element of fun to the whole thing. Weren’t no Na’vi having fun.

Actually, shit, this is two movies where Zoe Saldana doesn’t get to have much fun.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1476

“How would you like to get paid?”

In nachos, please.

“What do you think, fancy man? Units.”

Colin:

Tryin’ to get that paper. What do you mean, how do they want to get paid? Are you prepared to give a raccoon blowjobs for the rest of his life?

Are you not?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1477

I blame this on all of them. Seriously, clock the woman. No one should be missing this happening.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1478

“Very well, then.”

I always like this shot. Because he keeps his checkbook like right there. A space checkbook.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1479

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1480

“Carina.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1481

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1482

“Stand back.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1483

“I will no longer be your slave!”

Colin:

Traitorous bitch. Bad delivery.

Plus it’s like, yeah, I’m sure he doesn’t treat you great, but was there really enough for this to happen? I like it when movies have these kinds of situations, where your main characters walk into something that’s already been going on and something happens while they’re there that thwarts them from their ultimate goal, but at least there, you see more stuff play out before that happens. There’s not even an exchange between them. Just her looking shifty and doing this. This is another one of those weirdly underdeveloped moments, where they were clearly more interested in the exposition than in the other stuff.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1484

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1485

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1486

So what happens if she lets go right now? Is she fucked up forever? Does she go back to normal?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1487

I like her priorities. Get out of the goddamn way.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1488

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1489

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1490

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1491

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1492

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1493

Is this like electricity, where you physically can’t let go?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1494

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1495

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1496

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1497

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1498

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1499

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1500

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1501

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1502

Colin:

So she’s shooting out purple missiles as she disintegrates. I’m kinda content with that. She deserved what she got. Looked like a pretty solid job she had there. For all we know, she had benefits and everything. Just cause she said ‘slave’ doesn’t mean she was one.

At this point, as long as she’s not working in the fields and getting whipped or watching her boss eat bugs all day, I’m not sure if slave is an appropriate term. Servant, I can accept.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1503

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1504

Colin:

She popped! So let’s get this straight. What does contact with an infinity stone in heat do to you? Pink bitch: popped. Hugo Weaving: vaporized. Natalie Portman: got somehow even more annoying, didn’t die.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1505

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1506

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1507

Yeah, I’m sure you survived that.

Also, remember when this exact thing happened in Cap 2?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1508

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1509

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1510

Well that museum’s no good.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1511

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1512

Colin:

That raccoon’s in a tree.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1513

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1514

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1515

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1516

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1517

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1518

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1519

Colin:

Slow motion for the purple explosions. I want that purple stuff.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1520

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1521

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1522

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1523

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1524

“What the f—”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1525

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1526

Colin:

They were here this whole time? How did they not get incinerated? Movies always cut to the outside of a building as it almost completely explodes, and then all of a sudden you’re back inside where some people are basically unscathed. What?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1527

Colin:

That was me this morning.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1528

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1529

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1530

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1531

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1532

“How could I think Tivan could contain whatever was in the orb?”

How could you not get paid first?

Colin:

Snagged it, and I’m out this bitch.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1533

“What do you still have it for?!!”

“What are we gonna do, leave it in there?”

“I can’t believe you had that in your purse.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1534

“It’s not a purse, it’s a knapsack!”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1535

“We have to bring this to the Nova Corps. There’s a chance they can contain it.”

“Are you kidding? We’re wanted my the Nova Corps. Just give it to Ronan.”

Colin:

So at this point they have to figure out what to do with it instead of selling it, because they’re good people.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1536

“So he can destroy the galaxy?”

Colin:

That’s the problem with all these movies. Everyone’s motivations should be overshadowed by the fact that the bad guy is trying to destroy the universe or the galaxy. You don’t get paid by this guy and live happily ever after. Cause ever after ends in like…a day.

“What are you, some saint all of a sudden? What has the galaxy ever done for you? Why would you want to save it?”

“Because I’m one of the idiots who lives in it!”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1537

“Peter, listen to me. We cannot allow the stone to fall into Ronan’s hands. We have to go back to your ship and deliver it to Nova.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1538

“Right. You’re right.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1539

“Or, we could give it to somebody who’s not going to arrest us, who’s really nice, for a whole lot of money. I think it’s a really nice balance between both of your points of view.”

Colin:

That is a pretty good compromise.

“You’re despicable. Dishonorable.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1540

“Thankless!”

Colin:

Why not go to the Asgardians? Everyone knows they’re good guys.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1541

“Oh no.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1542

“At last! Ah ha ha ha ha!”

Colin:

GPOY

Seriously. I love this shot. This is funny to me. This is the Leeroy Jenkins of shots.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1543

“I shall meet my foe! And destroy him!”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1544

“You called Ronan?”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1545

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1546

“Quill!”

Colin:

All the blue people show up at once? This is too much.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1547

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1548

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1549

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1550

“Ronan the Accuser.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1551

“You are the one who transmitted the message?”

Colin:

That was a question. He should be accusing.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1552

“You killed my wife. You killed my daughter.”

Colin:

…prepare to die?

He is kind of Indigo.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1553

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1554

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1555

Colin:

They’re getting into weird balls that mean nothing. Space action.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1556

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1557

“I told you you can’t fit, now wait here, I’ll be back.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1558

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1559

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1560

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1561

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1562

“It is Gamora. She is escaping with the orb.”

How the fuck do you know?

Colin:

WHY DO WE NEED THIS BLUE CHICK’S EXPOSITION?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1563

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1564

He ain’t got time for this shit.

He even scoffs.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1565

This is worse than a “Tuesday.” Because not only does he not remember killing your wife and daughter, he doesn’t even think you’re worthy of fighting.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1566

“Nebula –”

He says without turning around.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1567

“Retrieve the orb.”

This is a mid-game boss fight. Where you can’t win the goal is just to survive to the cut scene.

Colin:

These really do share rules with video games.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1568

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1569

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1570

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1571

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1572

Colin:

That was a punch. What race is he? Do they take punches like that?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1573

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1574

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1575

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1576

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1577

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1578

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1579

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1580

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1581

Oh good, a pod race.

Colin:

Ah, a space chase. Let’s see what they do with this. Something tells me I really don’t care.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1582

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1583

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1584

That thing knows which one Gamora is on?

I’m gonna give them the benefit of the doubt and say heat sigs.

Colin:

Oh, so I know you’re an alien chick, but in English, we say “farthest” when referring to distance. “Furthest” would be for extent. What? I’m on a mission to educate.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1585

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1586

“Bring it down!”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1587

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1588

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1589

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1590

“Bitch.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1591

You guys remember Star Wars?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1592

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1593

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1594

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1595

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1598

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1599

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1600

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1601

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1603

Colin:

Three seconds. We get three seconds.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1604

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1605

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1606

“Rocket, keep them off Gamora til she gets to the Milano.”

Are they on the same frequency? How does that work?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1607

“How? We got no weaponry on these things.”

“These pods are industrial grade. They’re nearly indestructible”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1608

“Not against necroblasts, they’re not.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Oh.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1609

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1610

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1612

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1613

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1614

Colin:

Flying through things to get your pursuers to blow up. That’s a thing we’ve seen. Isn’t this a mine? Couldn’t we have a mine cart scene?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1615

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1616

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1617

He chose… poorly.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1618

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1619

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1620

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1621

Colin:

CGI characters have come a long way.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1622

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1623

Colin:

That’s my kind of vehicle. One that can ram things.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1624

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1625

Colin:

I don’t care how strong these things are overall, are the windows made of diamonds?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1626

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1627

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1628

Okay. That’s a thing.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1629

Did you really do the zoom in on rocket twice in a row that quickly?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1630

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1631

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1632

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1633

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1634

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1635

“Let me borrow your ride.”

That’s a thing?

Colin:

That’s a new way to jack off something really big.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1636

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1637

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1638

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1639

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1640

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1642

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1644

Colin:

Remember when I said she was the most boring of them? She grunts and yells and is hot. That’s it.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1645

Colin:

These bad guy ships spewing black smoke – is that a Firefly thing?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1646

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1647

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1648

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1649

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 1651

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1652

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1653

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1654

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1655

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1656

“I don’t recall killing your family.”

Tuesday.

Colin:

You don’t remember killing them? Pretty sure it was on Tuesday.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1657

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1658

“I doubt I’ll remember killing you either.”

Yeah, except… you don’t kill him.

But I guess this is also a Tuesday.

Colin:

Today is also Tuesday.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1659

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1660

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1661

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1662

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1663

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1664

“Quill, I’m trapped. I can’t make it to the Milano. I have to head out.”

Colin:

See what I mean? She grunts and yells and is hot. That’s her role in thi