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Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Part IV — “It’s Always Funny When People Stand Around While Their Friend Does Murder”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fourth part of Guardians of the Galaxy.

Guardians of the Galaxy - Title Card

We begin Part IV on another ship. Because this movie is basically ships and buildings.

Colin:

And a skull.

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That ship looks like a cat sleeping on top of a computer tower.

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“You betray me! Steal my money!”

This is the exact same line you see when a guy slaps around a dame.

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“Stop it! Leave him alone!”

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“When I picked you up as a kid, these boys wanted to eat you.”

Maybe get a new thing to say to him.

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“They ain’t never tasted Terran before. I saved your life.”

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“Oh, will you shut up about that? God!”

Seriously.

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“Twenty years, you’ve been throwing that in my face. Like it’s some great thing, not eating me.”

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“Normal people don’t even think about eating someone else. Much less that person ever to be grateful for it.”

Colin:

That’s true. Most people would not hold the not eating you thing over your head like that. Kinda shitty of you, Yondu.

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“You abducted me, man. You stole me from my home and from my family.”

What family? Mom’s dead, and grandpa probably wasn’t gonna last particularly long.

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“You don’t give a damn about your Terra! You’re scared, cause you’re soft in here.”

Colin:

Why does nobody go to “Terra?” Are there rules? Does nobody care? Did Yondu break rules to go there and pick him up?

That is true, though. He doesn’t really care about Earth. But maybe don’t call it “your” Earth.

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“Here, right here!”

What’s with that face?

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“Yondu, listen to me. Ronan has something called an Infinity Stone.”

Listen to me — I know we have interesting personal issues, but there’s some world building stuff I need to tell you about.

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“I know what he’s got, girl.”

That had a little sexy on it.

“Then you know we must get it back.”

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“He’s gonna use it to wipe out Xandar. We have to warn them. Billions of people will perish.”

Colin:

You don’t tell him that Ronan’s going to wipe out Xandar. You tell him it’s the galaxy. He might not care about Xandar. Nothing in Xandar but steers and queers.

I haven’t seen any steers.

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“Is that what she’s been filling your head with, boy?”

Among other things.

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“Sentiment?”

Colin:

See? He thinks she’s sentimental cause she wants to save a planet he doesn’t care about. People like this need a gain or a threat to themselves.

Is that Bruce Spence back there?

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“Eating away your brain like maggots?”

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“That’s it.”

Dad just got the belt out.

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“Sorry, boy. But the captain’s gotta teach his man what happens to those who would cross him.”

Colin:

I like that his metal mohawk thing turns red when he’s using his arrow.

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“Captain’s gotta teach stuff.”

I love that line. This is old school pirate stuff. Announcing to the crew what they clearly already heard.

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Look at this guy looking into the camera.

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“You kill me now, you are saying goodbye to the biggest score you have ever seen.”

Colin:

That’s it? The stone? What does he really think he’s gonna gain from it?

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“The stone? I hope you got something better than that. Cause there ain’t nobody stealing from Ronan.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1851

“We got a ringer.”

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“She knows everything there is to know about Ronan. His ships, his army.”

His dick.

“He’s vulnerable.”

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“What do you say, Yondu, huh? Me and you, taking down marks, side by side, like the old days?”

Marks?

Also, “the old days”? When was that? A week ago?

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Colin:

I want that arrow thing. Hawkeye ain’t shit. Though it makes me think of Peeping Tom.

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Colin:

There’s a nice smile. I like it when crazy people smile in movies.

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“You always did have the scruff, boy!”

Colin:

He has always had a scrote. That’s what boys have.

Oh, did he say ‘scruff?’ I heard ‘scrote.’ I wish he’d said scrote.

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Colin:

You know, this movie does not do space shots poorly all of the time.

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“Captain, the shot was non-damaging.”

That’s also something that fits in this movie. A non-damaging shot.

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“Attention, idiots.”

This is how Marvel exposition usually sounds to me.

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Always cut to the idiots after a line like that.

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“The lunatic on top of this craft is holding a Hadron Enforcer.”

Colin:

That takes balls. Dave Bautista in a spacesuit holding a space bomb.

Where’d he get a spacesuit that fit from?

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“A weapon of my own design.”

Is that the thing that blows up moons? Or are we just going with the fact that he can build shit?

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“What the hell?”

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“If you don’t hand over our companions now, he’s gonna tear your ship a new one.”

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“A very big new one.”

I like these space colors they’re using. It’s lowering the typical Marvel darkness quotient.

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“I ain’t buying it.”

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“I’m giving you to the count of five.”

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“Five.”

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“No!’

This is like Home Alone II. “I’m gonna give you to the count of ten…”

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“No, no, wait.”

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“Rocket it’s me, for god’s sakes, we figured it out, we’re fine.”

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“Oh, hey, Quill, what’s going on?”

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“You call that figured it out? We’re gonna rob the guys who just beat us senseless?”

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“Oh, you wanna talk about senseless? How about trying to save us by blowing us up?”

Colin:

Spaceship interiors all look alike in these movies.

How come they can’t hear them talking about this?

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“We were only gonna blow you up if they didn’t turn you over.”

“And how on earth were they gonna turn us over when you only gave ‘em a count of five?”

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“Well we didn’t have time to work out the minutia of the plan. This is what we get for acting altruistically.”

Colin:

I don’t like working out minutia either.

“I am Groot.”

“They ARE ungrateful.”

I really hope Groot actually said that.

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“What’s important now is we get the Ravagers’ army to help us save Xandar.”

Why? Why is that the important thing? Why must all Marvel heroes suddenly grow a conscience? First you grow a conscience, then your priorities turn to saving people, then come the panic attacks. It’s like turning into the shitty Dark Side.

“So we can give the stone to Yondu who’s just gonna sell it to somebody even worse?”

Colin:

So…who’s worse than the guy trying to destroy the planet? For that matter, did Ronan know that Tivan had another stone? The Aether is there, and we’ve seen that his collection is not the safest place to be. 

Actually curious what happens to his collection now.

“We’ll figure that part out later.”

Of course you will.

“We have to stop Ronan.”

“How?”

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“I have a plan.”

“You have a plan?”

“Yes.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1890

“First of all, you’re copying me from when I said I had a plan.”

Colin:

It really needs to be an argument between Quill and Rocket because nobody else can speak fast enough and with the right emotion.

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“No I’m not. People say that all the time. It’s not that unique of a thing to say.”

“Secondly, I don’t even believe you have a plan.”

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“I have… part, of a plan.”

“What percentage of a plan do you have?”

I like that he asked this question.

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“You don’t get to ask questions after the nonsense you pulled on Knowhere.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1894

“I just saved Quill.”

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“We’ve already established that you destroying the ship that I’m on is not saving me.”

“When did we establish that?”

“Like three seconds ago.”

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“I wasn’t listening. I was thinking of something else.”

This is great.

Colin:

Dave Bautista saves this movie sometimes.

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“She’s right, you don’t get an opinion.”

Why is she right?

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“What percentage?”

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“I don’t know. Twelve percent.”

Colin:

Why wouldn’t you give yourself a higher percentage? You know they’re just trying to shit on you.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1902

“Twelve percent?”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1903

Colin:

Was that supposed to be an Avengers callback?

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“That’s a fake laugh.”

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“It’s real.”

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“Totally fake.”

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“That is the most real, authentic, hysterical laugh of my entire life, because that is not a plan.”

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“It’s barely a concept.”

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“You’re taking their side?”

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“I am Groot.”

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“So what, it’s better than 11%? What does that have to do with anything?”

Colin:

Whenever you have a character whose language makes no sense to the audience, the person who understands always sounds like a moron repeating too much. This is why Rocket is Han Solo. And Quill is also Han Solo. But…why are they both Han Solo? I guess Quill is also sorta Luke. But mostly Han Solo.

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“Thank you, Groot. Thank you.”

Colin:

That’s a weird smile on Chris Pratt. Shouldn’t the CGI tree have a weirder smile?

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“See? Groot’s the only one of you who has a clue.”

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Colin:

He’s eating his leaf acne.

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“Guys, come on. Yondu is gonna be here in two seconds. He expects to hear this big plan of ours.”

How did you get him to leave? To say you had to go over the plan with everyone?

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“I need your help.”

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“I look around at us –”

You go right into the speech? You couldn’t get by with just “I need your help.”

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“You know what I see?”

Colin:

Pep talk to convince everyone to go die.

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“Losers.”

I like when motivational speeches start low. “You guys are pieces of shit. And let’s try not to be for a second.”

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“I mean, like, folks who have lost stuff. And we have. Man, we have. All of us.”

Rocket didn’t lose too much. Technically he gained stuff.

And Groot didn’t really lose anything either.

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“Our homes.”

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“Our families.”

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“Normal lives. And usually life takes more than it gives, but not today.”

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“Today, it’s giving us something.”

AIDS? I feel like it’s AIDS.

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“It’s giving us a chance.”

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“To do what?”

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“To give a shit.”

Colin:

Wait. Why is Bautista cool with the “give a shit” thing? Shouldn’t there be some line, like, “I have none to give. I have already defecated today.”

And how does that work? Do they jettison shit into space, or…does Groot eat shit as fertilizer?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1932

“For once. Not run away.”

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“I for one am not gonna stand by and watch as Ronan wipes out billions of innocent lives.”

Colin:

Where did he learn pep talking, if not from Yondu?

Why does he care about these people all of a sudden? Because a museum blew up?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1934

“But Quill – stopping Ronan, it’s impossible.”

Colin:

I will like you more if you don’t follow up with either, “No it isn’t!” or “Nothing is impossible!”

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“You’re asking us to die.”

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“Yeah, I guess I am.”

You’re gonna die anyway if you don’t do anything.

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Colin:

The classic story. Five individuals who stare into the void of space and see five different things staring back. And one is a tree.

Have you guys seen Police Academy?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1940

“Quill.”

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“I have lived most of my life surrounded by my enemies.”

Why? How?

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“I will be grateful to die among my friends.”

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“You are an honorable man, Quill.”

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“I will fight beside you.”

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“And in the end, see my wife and daughter again.”

Gladiator.

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“I am Groot.”

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“Oh, what the hell, I don’t got that long a lifespan anyway.”

Colin:

Does he know his lifespan? I always remember how fucked up Roald Dahl’s book “The Witches” was cause the kid ends up turned into a mouse and they end the book talking about how he’ll probably only live another nine years or so, but he’s cool with it. And I’m reading this as a little kid, like, “FUCK.”

That is really fucked up. But to put this back in terms of movie logic — he didn’t know he was a raccoon before. So how does he know what his lifespan is?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1953

“Now I’m standing, you all happy?”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1954

“We’re all standing up now. Bunch a jackasses, standing in a circle.”

Colin:

I like how he explains things sometimes.

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“Cherry Bomb.”

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“The stone reacts to anything organic.”

Colin:

They’re doing one of those montages where everyone suits up while exposition happens. Better than straight exposition, I guess, but…meh.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1959

“The bigger the target, the bigger the power surge.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1960

“All Ronan’s gotta do is touch the stone to the planet’s surface, and zap.”

What did the five stones say to the planet?

“Plants, animals, Nova Corps.”

Colin:

Interesting how those are the only three categories of life. What about the Xandarian people?

Peasants don’t count.

“Everything will die.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1961

“So Ronan does not make the surface.”

Sure. It’s not like it’s an entire planet or anything.

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Still don’t know if that thing is lethal.

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“Rocket will lead a team to blow a hole in the Dark Aster starboard hold.”

Colin:

Everyone just knows the name of the bad guy’s ship. And we’re expected to remember that for whatever reason.

Well, Gamora used to be on it for a while. So that’s plausible.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1967

“Then our craft, and Yondu’s, will enter.”

Colin:

Once again, this isn’t Ocean’s Eleven, you guys. I know you think it is, but it isn’t. It’s striking how many cues they’re taking from it. But this whole montage prep thing just doesn’t quite work here the way it did there.

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“Won’t there be hundreds of Sakaaran soldiers inside?”

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“I think of the Sakaaran as paper people.”

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It’s the little things that make this fun.

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Colin:

“Shirts are for nancy boys and non-MMA fighters!”

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“Once they know we’re aboard, Ronan will isolate himself behind impenetrable security doors on deck.”

Why doesn’t he do that naturally?

Also, no he won’t. He’ll stand by glass and accuse people.

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“Which I can disable by dismantling the power source.”

By blowing up a nuclear power plant?

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Why are we seeing this?

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“We’ll make it to the flight deck, and I’ll use the Hadron Enforcer to Kill Ronan.”

And then we’ll go to the Winchester and wait for all this to blow over.

Colin:

Ah. Wow, that’s exactly how this is going. 

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1984

Hello.

Colin:

Well jam, girl. 

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Colin:

Ass.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 1987

“Once Ronan is dead, we will retrieve the stone.”

They’re really making a big assumption about the simplicity of the whole “killing Ronan” aspect of this plan.

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“Use these devices to contain it. If you touch it, it will kill you.”

You guys had Poké Balls laying around?

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Colin:

I don’t know what that does exactly. And can he suck those back in? Or does he have to chop them off? He can ungrow stuff, huh? I guess we’ve seen him do that on several occasions when he tentacles stuff.

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Colin:

See? I only accept this from Groot. Good for you, Groot.

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“I’ll contact one of the Nova officers who arrested us.”

Why does that look like a giant sticking out of the ground in the back?

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“Hopefully they’ll believe we’re there to help.”

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How’d you get his number?

Colin:

Now he calls Dr. Steve Brule and we see his stupid dingus picture appear on the phone.

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“There’s one more thing we need to complete the plan.”

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“That guy’s eye.”

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Colin:

Aw, more making fun of people missing body parts.

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“No. No we don’t. No we don’t need that guy’s eye.”

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“No, seriously, I need it. It’s –”

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“Important to me.”

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T-minus fifteen minutes.

How come Ronan’s ship is nowhere to be seen? Isn’t he approaching as well? Maybe just attack him out here.

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“Remember, boy. At the end of all this, I get the stone.”

Colin:

Southerners shouldn’t be allowed to say the word ‘boy.’

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“You cross me, we kill you all.”

You’ve been threatening to kill him all movie, though.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2006

Why would you make that face. That face says, “But I’m planning to cross you.”

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Colin:

Was he scratching his raccoon dick? That’s kinda gross.

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I love this. Look at how un-badass they are. One’s fixing his nuts, one’s yawning. This is great.

Colin:

Wait, so now the team assembles behind the protagonist and they all walk toward the camera while a hard rock song plays. You know who did that better?

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He robbed that dude, right?

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“Let’s go get ‘em, boys!”

Colin:

Is the Yondu character (I mean, not him, but a version of him) not asking for a space remake of Smokey and the Bandit? Gleason would probably have to be played by John Goodman. But either way, I want the space version of this.

Not Space J.W. Pepper?

Colin:

What, so he could go on vacation to Space Thailand? Space Thailand: Still Only Just As Fucked Up As Regular Thailand.

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Rocket’s in a different ship. Which basically allows you to piece together how this plan is gonna go.

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“This is a terrible plan.”

You’re all wearing seatbelts.

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“Hey, you’re the one who said you wanted to die among friends.”

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Colin:

I really can’t not see him as Steve Brule now. It’s a problem.

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“Nova Prime, I received a transmission from one of the Ravagers.”

Colin:

Wait, there’s a pink guy! Wait til tomorrow’s article — THIS is the guy who’s probably sleeping with John C. Reilly’s wife!

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“He says Ronan’s in possession of something called an Infinity Stone, and he’s headed toward Xandar.”

Why did he only tell him? Why not tell everyone and up your chances of being listened to?

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“Good god.”

Colin:

Lady behind Glenn Close is skeptical. Are we sure she’s not a librarian of sorts? You look like you know the Dewey Decimal number for Xandartheid, lady.

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“It’s a trick.”

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“He’s a criminal.”

Colin:

“I’m a Britsh-sounding blowhard who scoffs at lofty claims!” Fucking Hollywood sometimes.

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“Did he say why we should believe him?”

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“He said his crew just escaped from prison, so ‘we’d have no other reason to risk coming to Xandar to help.'”

Or at all.

“He says that he’s an a-hole, but he’s not, and I’m quoting him here, ‘100% a dick.’”

“Do you believe him?”

“I don’t know that I believe anyone’s 100% a dick, ma’am.”

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“I mean, do you believe that he is here to help?”

Colin:

I love the black Robocop in the background who keeps turning randomly.

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“Yeah.”

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Colin:

That seems like a weird way to move your ship.

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Maybe you guys should have space nukes or something to fire at this guy before he gets into orbit.

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Colin:

How does gravity work on these things? Can they just have gravity change so they never fall, even when the ship is descending like that?

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“A fleet approaches.”

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“They appear to be Ravagers.”

Do they look ravaging?

Colin:

Is she being paid? Do they eat? Sometimes it seems like Marvel characters are sustained by boring passion alone. Maybe that’s why you can’t relate to them — they only ever do Marvel stuff and never have any day-to-day interests or desires.

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Colin:

That’s a dumb shape for a ship, but at least it isn’t like every other ship we’ve ever seen in movies. So good for you guys. I like the Ravager ships, though.

I like this shot, even though it’s entirely CG.

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That’s a pretty big dick hole.

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“Fire.”

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Colin:

They have two lumbering ships that shoot huge things? Okay. Doesn’t seem like a marauding group like these guys would be outfitted for massive space battles like that. Aren’t they more about sneaking and skirmishes?

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Gorgeous shot.

Colin:

Nice color on her face, there.

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GORGEOUS SHOT.

Colin:

I like that we’ve gotten to a place where this is no longer really up for debate. We both know when the other person is going to like a shot. It’s like in Whiplash when the cousin asks, “How can you judge that? Isn’t music subjective?” and he’s like, “No. No it isn’t.” 

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Firefox.

Colin:

Good lens flare, too. Great lens flare.

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“Submerge!”

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 2059

Colin:

So, good thing Ronan showed up at the capital where all the military and the Ravagers are, huh? Shouldn’t there have been a line about this? About why he’s too arrogant to land in the country 15 minutes from here and touch down unopposed as the planet dies?

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So, did they know it was gonna do that? This is an awfully calculated plan for something they came up with in 2 minutes.

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“Rocket, hurry.”

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“All pilots, dive.”

What were they doing before this?

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They got a lot of people on that ship. Where are they most of the time?

Colin:

Oh, and naturally there are a shit zillion little gnat fighters that pour out because that’s just what happens in these movies. Drone-like fighters that explode and provide action, mothership that needs taking out.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2070

Colin:

YES WE HAVE ANOTHER HOLO WAR MAP YESSSSSSSS

“Evacuate the city. Our priority is to get our people away from the battle.”

Colin:

Look at how hard this chick is executive assistant-ing. Looking like a fucking Pantene commercial, too. Your civilization could end in minutes, but you sure have some nice shine and bounce.

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Seriously, do you guys not have nukes?

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Colin:

This isn’t Star Wars at all. Actually, it’s Star Fox.

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“Forward thrust, now!”

She sounds less robotic all of a sudden.

Colin:

That’s a great plan. Sit there until shit goes wrong and THEN gun it. What’s keeping them from landing, exactly?

The plot.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2076

Colin:

How do you pilot with a weird yin yang sperm?

Carefully.

I do like how cartoonish these things look, though. This actually looks like something that was in a comic book.

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Are there furnaces on these things? How is it emitting that much fire?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2078

They love this auto focus shit. That’s become a thing they brought back over the past decade.

Colin:

I think some of that is Joss Whedon. He started doing that a lot with Firefly’s action scenes and brought it into his more recent stuff. It’s one of those calling cards you see now.

Personally I blame Whedon and J.J. Abrams for most action stuff that’s happening now.

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I do like that they at least planned out how to do it. Some people distract the ships, others blow a hole so they can get in. Still not sure when they did this, but fuck it.

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Colin:

That hole didn’t look very big.

Womp rats, man. Space’s sea turtles.

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“Quill, Yondu, now!”

I hate when action scenes are reduced to this dialogue.

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Colin:

Captain Kirk did a green chick.

He almost did Zoe Saldana too.

She really likes space, doesn’t she?

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Colin:

All the Star Wars and the Star Fox all at once. And I guess also Star Raccoon.

‘Coon Tales? (Woo hoo?)

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Every time I see one of these CGI space battles with so many different ships flying around, I wonder how everyone isn’t dead. There’s no way you survive this. At least when you see the Lord of the Rings versions of these battles — people have limited mobility and sight. So you can sort of make the argument that maybe they can’t attack everyone at once (though even there, everyone should also be dead purely because of the crazy melee going on and the inability to actually clock everything around you). Here, though — debris flying from explosions, shots coming from everywhere — no way are half these ships not hugely damaged within three minutes.

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“Aw, hell! I’m going down, Quill! No more games with me, boy!”

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“I’ll see you at the end of this.”

This could only have gone one of two ways — either it was the fatherly moment as he died, or the “I’m hit, but I’m not going anywhere, motherfucker.”

They knew better than to kill him because they haven’t even unleashed his badassness yet.

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“There are too many of them, Rocket. We’ll never make it out there.”

Colin:

Too many of them which means we need a game changer or an arrival.

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That would be an arrival.

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He looks like a Geodude with scabs.

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Colin:

It’s an arrival. Funny how they show up and change shape. Also, does this mean their ships for dogfighting are the same as their ships for arrests? Or were those different?

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“Peter Quill.”

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“This is Denarian Saal of the Nova Corps.”

Colin:

It’s funny to me that thye continue name dropping like it’s gonna matter. The Star Wars prequels had the same problem. Who the hell is gonna remember the name Dexter Jettster? Other than the guys who spend weeks painstakingly liveblogging film franchises, of course.

Also, in case anyone was wondering, the Twi’lek girl with the huge rack walking up the steps at the opera in Revenge of the Sith was named Koyi Mateil. Google her. You remember. Or, when you’re done with this, you could always go back and read our Star Wars articles, which…those were a LOT of fun.

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“For the record, I advised against trusting you here.”

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“They got my dick message!”

I hope it was actually a dick.

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“Prove me wrong.”

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Colin:

All of a sudden, he’s wide open. No bad guys anywhere. Great how the plot progressing just makes things so.

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“Yes!”

Colin:

Dave Bautista. Correct.

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“A HA HA HA!”

Colin:

Still correct.

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Damn, they are just like paper.

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“Yes!”

Colin:

People being shot and Dave Bautista finds this funny. He’s got to be my favorite.

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“We’re just like Kevin Bacon.”

Colin:

She is my least favorite. I hate that line. The first time, yes. This time, no. It’s also nothing like the story he told you. And why do you remember the name?

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Somehow she figures out they got on from that picture thing.

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“We have been boarded!”

She says that weird.

Colin:

She sounded like she might let slip a “schnell” or two there for a second.

“Continue our approach.”

“But the Nova Corps have engaged.”

Is there gonna be a party?

“None of that will matter once we reach the surface.”

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“You! Go… do shit!”

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“Goddamnit I said go do shit!”

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While he does nothing.

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“You fucking people!”

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Colin:

The way they CGI’ed this to look like an oil painting or whatever reminds me of Red Tails. Which — there’s another movie with dogfighting that went crazy with the auto focus.

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There’s a face.

“All Nova pilots, interlock and form a blockade.”

What’s that chick doing? Taking dictation? Giving commands? Playing Candy Crush?

By the way – no idea what Candy Crush is whatsoever. But I know that’s a thing that people do on their phones.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2152

“The Dark Aster must not reach the ground.”

Colin:

Interlock, cause that’s a thing. Ooooh, wait, a barrier? And why the hell does Glenn Close refer to it by its real name? Why does Glenn Close know the name of your boat? Glenn Close is not ordinary people. 

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2153

Colin:

If we were really being tricky, wouldn’t we have Ronan in a landing craft? Couldn’t he get one of the little fighters and fly that down unnoticed? What’s to say he isn’t doing that? If he decided to do that, this movie ends here.

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“Fa ho, fores, da ho, dores…”

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His liver is FUCKED.

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This is like Hogwarts, except with huge chance of a large number of casualties.

Colin:

And yet? I was way more invested in that. We still have a Marvel plot threatening a planet we don’t care about.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2163

Colin:

This is all very…is it supposed to be impressive?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2164

This is actually Operation Human Shield.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2165

Colin:

That’s WAY more ships than were flying around this whole time, by the way. Good thing you have JUST enough to cover the entire front of the ship and no more or less.

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SHIP CONDOM!

Colin:

A jib hat?

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This seems like a really poor plan on their part. Now what? Just sort of hold it until they give up?

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Awesome door.

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Alien.

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“I can barely see.”

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Not sure why he can do that, but whatever, it’s a nice visual.

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Colin:

Groot makes a moment. I’d totally bring Groot on a Japanese date. He’d have things locked up for me in no time.

Literally speaking.

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“When did you learn to do that?”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2193

“Pretty sure the answer is ‘I am Groot.’”

That’s right, his translator isn’t here.

I wonder if they’re gonna be able to all understand him by the next movie.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2194

“The flight deck is 300 meters this way.”

Colin:

They use meters in space? Don’t tell me Americans are the only people in the GALAXY who don’t use the metric system.

I checked and the only use of miles, feet or yards or anything is when Quill says the watch tower is 20 feet in the air. So yeah, only Americans.

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“I want you all to know that I am grateful for your acceptance after my blunders.”

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“It is pleasing to once again have friends.”

Who were your friends before? Just your wife and daughter?

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“You, Quill, are my friend.”

“Thanks.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2200

“This dumb tree here is my friend.”

Colin:

Dave Bautista is really awesome, though. He has the best arc of the four additional Guardians.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2201

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2202

“And this green whore, she too—”

Colin:

WOW. WOW. Let’s talk about that for a second. Wow, Dave Bautista. Wow, Marvel. I really don’t know what to expect from you in this movie sometimes. That might be a key factor in ranking it.

This line is just hilarious. I don’t know why he calls her a whore, because he has nothing to base that on, but it’s still funny that he just calls her a whore out of nowhere.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2203

“Oh, you must stop!”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2204

“Gamora.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2205

“Look at what you have done.”

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“You have always been weak. You stupid traitor.”

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Colin:

That’s kind of a funny shot.

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A HA HA HA that was GREAT!

Colin:

“STOP MONOLOGUING HO!”

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“Nobody talks to my friends like that.”

I can only imagine how good a sequel can be, character-wise, with these guys.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2216

“Head to the flight deck. I’ll shut down the power to the security doors.”

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2217

Nice wide shot to end the scene.

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Colin:

Weird how space fashion is the same. Or almost the same. Like, it’s enough that almost everyone is a humanoid, roughly. It’s entirely different that everyone else in the galaxy is like, “Fucking OF COURSE we wear leather jackets.”

Unless this came from Earth and a massive amount of culture and stuff comes from there despite the lack of contact, I don’t see how this all works this way. But we don’t care about logic. Whatever.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2221

“Yondu Udonta, order your men to turn on the Nova Corps.”

Colin:

Hah thomebody never went to hith thpeech clath.

I also like how their plan is to tell him to tell his men to abandon everything and kill the other people. Would they just do that? What a dumb assumption you guys are making.

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Colin:

For that matter, his name is Yondu Udonta. Possibly the only name in this movie that sounds more African than Djimon Hounsou.

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Colin:

It’s always that angle for opening the jacket now, too, huh?

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2225

Colin:

Let’s have that as a shot. Just Rooker, puckering up.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2226

Colin:

I like that his arrow is basically the Shadowfax of arrows.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2227

Is that a space machete?

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“Enough nonsense, Ravager.”

Why do you look like the thing from Avengers?

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Why is no one firing at him?

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So does this work if they’re not paper people? Because how can that arrow pierce through anything?

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Colin:

No blood, huh?

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Colin:

First – this arrow makes him the baddest dude around and way better than Hawkeye, but second, why did nobody shoot him at all during all that time?

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That’s a moment everyone stands up and applauds. Because that was just great.

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Colin:

Please don’t put gross shit like this in your movie.

At least it wasn’t her kneecap.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2265

Colin:

She looks like Vincent D’Onofrio convulsing in Men in Black.

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 2267

Colin:

Wait, why is Gamora coming back here after they blew her up? She just got blown up RIGHT here and we see Gamora running back in. I’m super confused right now. You were in the same room.

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Sister fight!

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Why would you cut away from that fight?

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“Enough of this. Guys, fuck some shit up.”

Colin:

Bad guys saying, “Enough of this” ten minutes after WE’VE already had enough of this.

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Guardians of the Galaxy - 2287

Operation Kamikaze.

Colin:

More protocols that apparently everyone coordinated in advance and had ready to go.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2288

“Hold your positions.”

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That guy who hit water is a huge fuck up.

Colin:

Hey, I just met you / And you’ve made your play / But fuck your city / So kamikaze

And yes, ‘kamikaze’ ends with the same sound as ‘play.’ Learn to pronounce things.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 2294

Colin:

They couldn’t hold one long shot. They just couldn’t. The cowards.