Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Part V — “That’s One Way of Ensuring Everyone Is At Least Mortally Wounded”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the fifth and final part of Guardians of the Galaxy.
We begin Part V as the ship condom is failing.
“Xandar!”
Colin:
Oh! Wait! HE’S ACCUSING, YOU GUYS!
“You stand accused!”
Go home, Ronan, you are drunk.
Colin:
His planet is still intact, too. It’s not even like Eric Bana from Star Trek, where his planet was destroyed.
“Your wretched peace treaty will not save you now.”
Colin:
Does he have a PA system to everyone? I don’t get how this works.
Also, at this point in the entire situation, did anyone think a peace treaty was gonna save them?
Was he gonna get to the surface — “Wait a minute!” and they roll down the fucking treaty like the coroner in Oz. “Oh, shit, the treaty.” Like it’s fucking Dora. “Accuser no Accusing!” “Aww, FUCK!”
“Tis the tinder on which you burn.”
Swipe right.
Colin:
Wait, is that an open window? Was he just standing out on some balcony? Cause how else could he shoot? And in that case, why did the 15 or so Xandarian fighters not open fire as he was speaking?
I’m wondering why that thing can randomly fire as a weapon. Cause, like, it’s in his staff hammer thing, but also it seems like he’s imbued with it. Maybe I’m forgetting that part where it became a part of him and he could somehow withstand that. But even so, how can he randomly tell it to fire like that?
Also kinda funny how this stone (though I’m guessing this is the Power one, right?) can destroy a planet by touching it, yet the Aether — nah, all good. Or Loki’s staff one — nah, that shit hit the ground like three times and nothing happened. They never explained that it’s just this one that destroys planets. Shit, the Aether couldn’t even destroy NATALIE.
RANDOM BLACK GUY!
Colin:
That’s the black guy who arrested them, isn’t it?
I do not know. So that means the question becomes: How Racist Was Mike’s Previous Statement?
I feel like this is going to becoming a continuous game in this feature.
Oh look, they’re still fighting. They started back in Part IV. And we’ve only seen like a minute, total, of it.
This is cool. The fight being interrupted by parts of the ship being blown up. I like that.
Colin:
Body Slamming the fuck out of these Starmies.
Colin:
THEY KILLED PORKINS
I hope Porkins’ ship used Double Team like four times. Because that other ship was me in that situation.
Man, good thing that’s like quadruple reinforced unbreakable glass.
Maybe break the fucking blockade now since it’s clearly not working anymore.
“Rocket!”
It would have been nicer if he just got crushed without a word.
“Hold on, Saal!”
Colin:
Was that a Southern accent? What?
Colin:
Goodbye, snobbish British man who scoffs at good people.
Why were his last words to the raccoon?
Seriously, Saal’s whole thing was “prove me wrong, Quill,” and then randomly he talked to the raccoon before he died. No form of cinematic “redemption” for him or anything. This leads me to believe either this was cut from something more, or they thought they were doing something cool by deliberately not giving him that moment. Comes off as kind of confusing, personally. That he is randomly talking to a raccoon out of nowhere rather than just getting crushed and us feeling bad.
You felt nothing for that British fuck. Don’t pretend like you did.
I like when explosions go dark. They feel more real that way. Even though it’s clearly fake as shit.
Colin:
Glenn Close is really rallying the troops here. You hear me, Glenn Close? Great job watching a hologram of a ship destroy a hologram of your capital city.
And somehow their building — still okay.
Colin:
Why do you look so surprised about what’s happening?
He’s high as shit right now.
“Quill, you gotta hurry.”
Have I mentioned how I hate this type of action dialogue?
“The city’s been evacuated.”
“We’re getting our asses kicked out here.”
So — don’t hurry up because we gotta kill this fuck. Hurry up because the city is now empty (even though the city being evacuated doesn’t matter to anyone, really), and because we’re getting our asses kicked. So hurry up and complete your objective because we’re failing at ours.
“Gamora hasn’t opened the door.”
Colin:
She hasn’t opened the door to where she is? Cause she’s where Nebula was blown up, which is where you were. I’m confused.
Did they check the batteries?
Would have made for a nice extended shot. But it only lasts about two seconds.
Colin:
Getting some Luke zapping action, which is not nearly as fun because Palpatine isn’t making faces.
Still not sure why we have to cut away from multiple plot lines. You can do that, but at least tell some of a story with the fight scenes first, because otherwise who gives a shit? It’s not like you really gave these two enough development over the course of the film for their fight to really matter. But at least if it gets screen time, the fact that they’re sisters who hate each other but not really can overcome that. But no. It’s just about action.
“Oh shit, that’s a nice ass spaceship.”
That looks unhealthy.
Really unhealthy.
Can we talk about how weird this is?
Good thing she’s surgically enhanced.
Colin:
See, it’s still dark, and not like, Skyfall Shanghai dark.
But for the most part, you can see what’s going on here. So that’s a slight plus. (Slight.)
Good thing for nails.
Colin:
Ow. Good thing she’s a cyborg, or that would have hurt.
Colin:
Cliffhanger? Which, ready? Also Michael Rooker. Shit.
NICE framing, though. Love the overhead. You know what would make this better? (Aside from the obvious.) No ships flying around.
Oh, it’s this scene.
“Sister.”
This some Mufasa shit right here.
“Help us fight Ronan. You know he’s crazy.”
Separate points.
“I know you’re both crazy.”
Does she bang? Can she bang? Asking for a friend.
“OPTIMUS!”
Colin:
Oh yes, save that.
She ripped her arm off just by pulling down. No other arm, nothing. Just ripped it the fuck off. That’s pretty good circuit control.
Is this a tally ho or a drop?
Convenient.
Well that was pretty graceful.
Colin:
Shit, she just landed on that ship like it was nothing. This is one of those things that makes moviegoers believe that some women are psycho bitches.
“Get out!”
I like that she used her arm with the missing cyborg hand to break the windshield.
That’s it? She just flies off to fight another day? I’m not opposed to that. I liked her.
Colin:
I guess she can fly one-handed.
So easy to break security in these places. Space architects have a sense of humor.
Surprise, bitches!
Colin:
WAIT. WAIT. She opened the door and then busts through the floor! What was the purpose of getting the door open and having this long ass fight if you could just blow a hole in the floor in the first place?
IS SHE GONNA WALK THE DINOSAUR PLEASE TELL ME SHE’S GONNA WALK THE DINOSAUR RIGHT NOW
Colin:
Isn’t this thing for blowing up moons? Seems like more of an outdoors kinda toy. Which, toys are kinda bullshit, huh? I remember wanting toys as a kid and not understanding why adults didn’t want them too. And now I’m like, movies, computer, phone. Have fun with your neat-o action figure.
Did you not turn around during any of that?
Maybe move.
A fucking target?
So baked.
Colin:
DILDO MISSILE
Why is that smoke blue?
Colin:
I do dislike it when movies cut to everyone as the dust clears.
But how else will we know he’s not dead?
“You did it!”
He said, not knowing how much time is left in the movie.
Colin:
Dave Bautista didn’t know there are like 20 minutes left of this movie.
Is he not mad that he didn’t get to do it?
Colin:
God, how late 80s/early 90s can you get?
Colin:
Oh, so I guess early 90s.
“You know what this is missing? Doves.” — John Woo
Did she fuck Ronan? Did her sister? I’m actually more curious about if that happened than anything Ronan wants to do.
Colin:
Didn’t she know that wasn’t gonna do shit?
Those people are still there driving the thing?
You got a hole in your chest.
That’s it? He just throws them back a few feet?
I love that he hit the ground, got up and started running toward him in a single motion. That was cool.
Don’t run into his waiting choke hand.
“It was a mistake. I do remember your family. Their screams were pitiful. I—”
Colin:
Apparently, he remembers who Dave Bautista is, too. Even though he expressly said he wouldn’t. I accuse you of talking a good one, Ronan.
I still say this should have been Saoirse Ronan.
Colin:
Why wasn’t there a dangly feet shot? Remember Darth Vader? Remember when we enjoyed villains?
That thing looks like a white blood cell vomiting.
I’ve always wanted to tackle a tree.
Colin:
That’s one way of ensuring everyone is at least mortally wounded.
That’s my favorite way to do things.
Also, That’s One Way of Ensuring Everyone Is At Least Mortally Wounded
Colin:
This is the room that had an opening to start with, and yet the Xandarian ships that were right in front of it, blocking it that whole time, never decided to use their little guns. Now that Rocket’s messed everything up, the ship’s going down.
The drivers were in those chairs. That’s why.
Body being dragged out of frame.
Colin:
Ronan was holding Dave Bautista. Dave’s okay. Where’s Ronan? Why has nobody confirmed that? Why are you not securing the stone?
Colin:
Is it me, or are they a little quick to accept their fate? In any other movie, someone would be saying, “Follow me, we have to get to the hangar bay! There are still escape pods!” They all just assume that shit’s done without speaking to one another.
This is kinda how Toy Story 3 ended.
Colin:
No, but seriously, why are they not securing the stone? If it’s not supposed to touch the planet, shouldn’t they be taking some measures to see that it doesn’t?
What if Rocket’s ship knocked the thing out of his hand and it fell off the ship all the way to the planet’s surface?
Colin:
Weird that he can grow that fast but couldn’t grow back his arms super fast.
Japan must have loved this movie.
“No, Groot. You can’t. You’ll die.”
Colin:
I never want to hear this in another movie. This is the second time we’ve gotten it from Rocket alone.
That one seemed purely for the kids. The rest of us could have implied that was gonna be the end result. Personally they could have kept it at the next two lines of dialogue and it would have conveyed everything we needed to know.
Those driving cartoon things are still in the air. Maybe just use those and steer the fucking thing.
Colin:
Not super sure that just being inside a bunch of wood with nothing to hold onto and no padding would help enough in an impact like this.
I think those branches are being used as anchors. So it’s more protection than anything.
Colin:
That’s a nice touch though, that he made the little firefly seeds or whatever. Help them to feel better.
This is how I wanna die, wrapped up in some branches, passed out inside a tree cocoon.
“Why are you doing this?”
“WE are Groot.”
Colin:
I stand corrected. Four words from Vin Diesel. He actually did something with the voice acting though. Best voice acting I’ve heard that included only four words.
Colin:
They’re taking advantage. You’re not getting misty over anyone in Captain America 2. And when I thought Jane Foster was in danger…well, that’s a joyous occasion.
And that’s the end of the movie!
What is the rest of this planet like? This looks like Space America. But this is like, Space DC. So basically we’re destroying real DC and Space DC in consecutive movies.
Colin:
Thanks for showing up during all of this, Asgard. I guess Loki’s on the throne and doesn’t give a fuck.
Someone’s gotta watch it.
Yet the Nova Corps building — still standing.
Colin:
Nice clouds.
“Ooh, Child.”
I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!
Somehow that player — no only not destroyed but still playing.
She can’t feel her legs either.
Colin:
They’re all fine.
“I called him an idiot.”
Maybe leave your dead friend alone until you’re sure the planet is safe.
Colin:
Wait, WHAT? They just crash landed with enough force to make a massive crater and level everything for probably a kilometer in any direction, but fuck it, let’s have a crowd of people from this EVACUATED CITY surround them like 15 seconds after impact.
Colin:
AND ONE IS THE ONLY GUY WE KNOW AROUND HERE
Maybe just do it now and end it.
Old guy’s got a great reaction to this.
Colin:
Good white lady reaction, white lady.
“You killed Groot!”
Technically YOU killed Groot. Since your plane is the reason that ship went down.
Colin:
That’s a great idea. Charge the demigod.
This is objectively pretty funny. A raccoon being thrown.
“Behold, your Guardians of the Galaxy.”
Did anyone call them that before?
“What fruit hath they wrought?”
Colin:
I wrought a banana this morning. No time for anything else.
“Only that my father, and his father, shall know vengeance.”
Maybe in spirit. But they dead.
Colin:
That looks like an espresso maker.
Deus ex Moon Blower Upper.
I do like that they don’t go too over the top with them realizing they can shoot him again.
“People of Xandar, the time has come to rejoice! And renounce your paltry gods.”
Colin:
He’s monologuing because fuck Marvel.
Renounce that you’re going to die?
Colin:
Hey look, Power Rangers extra is back, behind the white haired dude.
Because only like 30 people live on this planet.
“Your salvation is at hand.”
You still haven’t accused anyone.
Isn’t the point of this to tell them what they did to you? You’re just showing up and telling them it’s over. That’s not vengeance.
And then he shouts something that sounds a lot like gibberish. Actually, it sounds like what Howard Dean yelled at that one rally like ten years ago. (These are the kinds of references that make me feel old. But on the other hand, it was fucking insane, so people should remember it.)
Also, how did he know the language to control the stone? I’m so confused.
“O-oh, child, things are gonna get easier…”
“O-oh, child, things’ll get brighter.”
Colin:
And now Chris Pratt is singing because…I guess we need to have a distraction?
“Listen to these words.”
“O-oh child.”
“Things are gonna get easier.”
Colin:
Why he doesn’t immediately blast him away is beyond me. People are sometimes too curious to kill their problems, and mark my words – that curiosity, without exception, will be their downfall.
Can we write a manual? How to Kill Your Problems.
“Sometimes people are too curious to kill their problems.”
“O-oh, child, things are gonna get brighter.”
What kind of music do they have on Xandar?
“Now bring it down, hard!”
“Some day, we’ll put it together and we’ll get it undone.”
Colin:
He’s being a moron. This is really killing Ronan’s vibe.
“What are you doing?”
This is the best reaction ever.
“Dance-off, bro.”
“Me and you.”
That face.
“Gamora.”
I like the head shake.
This is so fucking stupidly brilliant.
I love the way he turns like, “Is she gonna get in on this madness too?”
“Subtle.”
“Take it back.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m distracting you, you big turd blossom.”
Colin:
I don’t even get that. Was that for the eight-year-olds in the audience who didn’t get the black light comment earlier?
Colin:
Guess his hammer already had a circle in case he wanted to put this infinity stone in it.
My dick has the same hole.
Maybe move the thing out of the way.
Colin:
This looks like the end of the dumbest game of Quidditch ever.
Can either of them handle the power of the stone? Quill, he’s expecting to die, but Ronan can just absorb that shit? We have no real inclination that he’s remotely powerful.
GPOY
“OPTIMUS!!!”
Also, you guys remember cumming for the first time?
Colin:
You mean in an alien’s mouth?
Was that not implied?
Colin:
Explode like the pink chick!
I say that every time I ejaculate.
I try not to. It just slips out.
Space Kali Ma?
This is what paper cuts feel like.
I hate it when my hands turn into light.
Colin:
And just like in Thor 2, we’re caught up in a raging color storm.
To be fair, I like raging color storms.
But it is crazy how they just repeat things they did before. Pretty soon, entire movies will just be repeats of shit they’ve done in earlier movies.
… too easy.
Seriously, you look like a Goomba who’s melting.
“That could have been me.”
Why don’t you just go tackle him right now?
All of this is happening inside that? So when this is all over, no one is gonna know what the fuck happened.
Please just have Thriller start playing now.
“OPTIMUS!!!”
“Take my hand!”
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
Also, your face is fucked up.
“Take my hand, Peter.”
Colin:
Oh, it’s mom. Mom came back to have cancer in space so she could tell you to touch the green chick. I REALLY understand now why old people think new movies are absurd and nonsensical.
I hate it when my mother comes back in space to tell me to touch the green chick.
Then again, I don’t need to be told to touch the green chick.
This is kinda nice, albeit pretty nonsensical.
Colin:
Are they standing over a space favela? What is that?
That’s the ground flying away.
Because in space, Jehovah is spelled with an M an A an R a V an E and an L.
UNITY!
Colin:
By the way — this is why we have people.
But they survive the… actually, scratch that. I’m a good person.
He should join in too.
Holding hands — it defeats space gems AND brings back Christmas.
Negative color.
I guess we are technically Disney right now.
Also, your face is coming apart.
That’s a lot of veins you have to surge through.
Colin:
They all get ready for the circle jerk.
Just like Michelangelo painted.
He should grab a Groot stick too.
Colin:
Funny how a tiny raccoon was what put them over the edge.
That’s usually what does it for me. Even if I try to think about baseball.
Colin:
The Giants won.
Have they? Because Jotunheim.
He’s the Grinch in this equation.
“You’re mortal. How?”
Colin:
Ronan is really an awful villain.
They’re all mortal, are they not?
Is Ronan NOT mortal?
“You said it yourself, bitch. We’re the Guardians of the Galaxy.”
You look like you have SHIV.
Never share Space Gems, kids.
Colin:
I don’t think a villain should be making that face.
There’s no way Ronan’s mother didn’t walk in on him jackin’ it. That’s probably why he’s doing all this.
I want my arm to shoot purple fire.
Why does it always lift them off the ground?
Colin:
Explode the villain, secure the stone. Praise Marvel as you might, this whole franchise could have taken place in DC in the 80s. It’s just a bunch of crazies trying to get rocks.
This is how I caught Gengar.
Colin:
Good thing you had that special Infinity Stone Poké Ball.
That was given to them by the head of Xand Co. for saving them from Space Giovanni.
“That… was pretty awkward.”
Colin:
Never know when you need to rub one out. Dave Bautista heard the muse.
I don’t even know what to say. I was not expecting that. That was perfect.
“Hey… you… you wanna make out?”
“I wanna touch your space titties so bad right now.”
“Well, well, well, quite the light show.”
Hey, you were… standing there the entire time.
Where exactly was that forest area that he killed all those guys in?
“Ain’t this sweet. But you got some business to attend to before all the nookie nookie starts.”
Colin:
Yondu’s trying to get paid. Good for you, Yondu. I like him. He knows what’s up.
I appreciate that he’s aware of the fucking that’s going to happen and will allow it. Most people are assholes about it.
Colin:
Yondu likes to fondue.
Taste the chocolate sauce.
“Peter, you can’t.”
“You gotta reconsider this, Yondu.”
“I don’t know who you’re selling this to, but the only way the universe can survive is if you give it to the Nova Corps.”
Can’t you play the “Are you fucking serious? You saw what it can do” card?
Or get the Nova Corps to give them money? Because I’m sure they’d pay 40 million units just to make sure they have it.
“I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain’t one.”
Great line for him.
“Hand it over, son.”
Remember when you wanted to kill him?
Colin:
Wrong hand.
Where’d she get her outfit from?
It looks like it’s out of the Hugh Hefner Smoking Jacket Collection.
But actually, did the Ravagers just have that on board their ship for her? Does she carry a wardrobe with her? Do any of them?
What’s that symbol on her jacket?
Colin:
Good face. I really like Michael Rooker.
You’re not gonna check it?
Colin:
Total switch. He used the wrong hand and gave it up too easily.
“Yondu –”
“Do not open that orb. You know that. Right?”
Smart.
“You’ve seen what it does to people?”
Colin:
He’s one of my favorite characters in this movie. I can’t wait to see where he goes on my list of favorite characters.
“Yeah, Quill turned out okay.”
“Probably good that we didn’t deliver him to his dad like we was supposed to.”
“Ehh. That guy was a jackass.”
Colin:
We get to find out about papa later. The guy made of light. Sounds like a jackass, for that matter.
“He is gonna be so pissed when he realizes I switched out the orb on him.”
“He was gonna kill you, Peter.”
“Oh, I know. But he was about the only family I had.”
“No. He wasn’t.”
Colin:
She better not be a half-sister or some shit. Cause they haven’t banged and that worries me.
Colin:
Don’t get all sappy on me now.
Oh, was he not gonna stick that up his butt? Did I misread that?
Why pick up just that one? There are like forty potential Groots on the ground. And he’s just gonna put that in dirt. This is the artificial insemination of Groot-making. How do you know which is the right Groot Juice?
Colin:
The kindling of a friendship. Also, sticks and stones.
This must have looked hilarious on set.
Colin:
Dave Bautista petting a raccoon.
“Why would you even know this?”
“When we arrested you, we noticed an anomaly in your nervous system, so we had it checked out.”
“I’m not Terran?”
“You’re half Terran.”
Colin:
Weird that Glenn Close, the president or whatever, is talking to Quill about his ancestry.
Ironic because our president is a Muslim who wasn’t born in this country.
Colin:
“Birth certificate? How ’bout I show you this long-form DICK?”
“Your mother was of Earth. Your father—”
Colin:
What’s this chick looking at?
“Is her public hair green?”
“Well, he’s something very ancient we’ve never seen here before.”
But I bet next movie someone will have seen it.
Colin:
I’m still betting that the next movie features the live version of that space monster with the skull. Cause Benicio still needs a live one.
“That could be why you were able to hold the stone for as long as you did.”
“On behalf of the Nova Corps, we’d like to express our profound gratitude.”
And we’d like to extend to you a laurel, and a hearty handshake.
“For your help in saving Xandar.”
Colin:
We all know what this is and where they all have to go now. I’m going to be upset if this movie doesn’t end the right way.
Why do I always assume it’s gonna be the Departed elevator?
John C. Reilly has something to show you.
Colin:
Oh, sweetie got a NICE little skirt on. Mm. Guess it’s sort of a dress.
“Your wife and child shall rest well, knowing that you have avenged them.”
“Yes. Of course, Ronan was only a puppet.”
“It’s really Thanos I need to kill.”
Colin:
Look at the people in the background. Marvel really doesn’t know how to have extras who aren’t looking at screens or walking to nowhere.
Colin:
Revenge just keeps going. He’s going to murder everything. Can Dave Bautista have a movie? Like the Marvel version of Machete?
“We tried to keep it as close to the original as possible.”
And you got the specs from when he was arrested?
And does that include the semen or not?
Colin:
Isn’t his ship basically exactly the same as the Ravagers’ ships?
“Salvaged as much as we could.”
“Thank you.”
“I have a family. They’re alive because of you.”
Can I slow clap this moment right now? Because he didn’t say, “No… thank you”?
Colin:
I don’t know about you, but I’m over the moon because I didn’t hear that.
“Your criminal records have also been expunged.”
All of them? Or just on Xandar?
Colin:
Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re wanted elsewhere. Didn’t Dave Bautista do a LOT of murder?
Didn’t Dave Bautista Do a LOT of Murder?
“However I have to warn you against breaking any laws in the future.”
Colin:
I’m glad that John C. Reilly is a person in things.
“Question: what if I see something that I wanna take and it belongs to someone else?”
“Then you’ll be arrested.”
“But what if I want it more than the person who has it?”
“Still illegal.”
“That doesn’t follow. No, I want it more, sir.”
“What, I can’t have a discussion with this gentleman?”
“What if someone does something irksome, and I decide to remove his spine?”
“That – that’s – that’s actually murder. One of the worst crimes of all. So – also illegal.”
Colin:
I would pay for a show in which John C. Reilly explains the legality of certain things. Like, there are a lot of laws that I don’t know about very well that I think I’d be willing to get to know if he was explaining the penalties and stuff.
“Hmm.”
“They’ll be fine. I’m gonna keep an eye on them.”
“You?”
“Yeah. Me.”
Colin:
It’s good that they started out friendly with the whole code name thing too, because that makes their current friendly relationship more believable.
Somehow that didn’t get burned in the fire.
And now the voiceover is gonna happen on screen as he reads it. Because that’s really the only way they can do this scene.
