Five Word Film Reviews (2019)
One of my (admittedly very few) good qualities is that I will make some dumb joke and it’ll be funny for a minute and then later on, I’ll think, “You know, what about that…” This article started as a joke. I made a bad joke while reviewing a movie at the movie’s expense and said, “There’s the five word film review of it. Take that, Hemingway!” And then, cut to a few months later, I think, “What if I tried to do that for all the movies?” And now this is the sixth year I’m doing it.
To give you an example of what I do with this, here are some five word reviews from last year: Bird Box — The Apocalypse Will Be Blindfolded; Creed II — Baby Creed vs. Baby Drago; Ready Player One — Charlie and the VR Factory; A Quiet Place — Don’t Procreate During the Apocalypse; The Grinch — This Movie Stink… Stank… Stunk; Red Sparrow — Not a Natural Atomic Blonde; The Wife — So Far, Yet Glenn Close; Incredibles 2 — Where Are We on Capes?; The Hurricane Heist — Features Zero Tropical Storm Thefts; Acts of Violence — For Sale: Bruce Willis. Always; Can You Ever Forgive Me? — *Insert Fyre Fest Blowjob Guy*; Studio 54 — Don’t We All Miss Drugs?; Summer ’03 — That’s When Seabiscuit Came Out; 6 Balloons — *Count Voice* AH AH AH!; Ralph Breaks the Internet — Ralph Really Broke My Heart; Bad Times at the El Royale — It Was a (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)… Bad Time; Dude — Where’s My Car? (Applause Break); The Old Man & the Gun — *Chekhov Sits Forward* “Go On…”; Mary Poppins Returns — And She’s Out for Revenge.
And one more, just because I can’t believe I managed to get that far with it: A Star Is Born — I’m Off the Deep End (or: Watch As I Dive In) (or: I’ll Never Meet the Ground) (or: Crash Through the Surface) (or: Where They Can’t Hurt Us) (or: Far from the Shallow Now). So yeah, you get the idea.
Oh, and for those keeping track, I started working on these a month ago! So I didn’t wait til the last minute this time! I mean, sure, I wrote most of them in the past like, week, but still. Some responsibility was had.
Here are my five word film reviews of the films I saw in 2019: (more…)
2019: The Year in Reviews (The Wrap-Up)
We just wrapped up the year, month by month, and now we get to my favorite part… analyzing it all.
The last thirteen days were for everyone else, but today is for me. Today is where I see how well I guessed everything back in January, how all the films I saw this year shook out. Where all the ratings went, what the average ratings for each month were… stuff that I’ve been tracking for a decade now.
Here’s all the previous articles in a handy chart so you can crosscheck anything I’ve said to this point, should you want to:
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2019 Film Release Calendar |
2019: The Year in Reviews |
2019: The Year in Reviews (Films That Didn’t Get Released)
Now that we’ve gone over everything that came out this year, it’s time to go over the stuff that didn’t.
Of course not everything you track is gonna come out. Stuff gets pushed, stuff never gets picked up… shit happens.
I do this article mainly so I can keep track of what’s still left to come out, so I can organize the 2020 Release Calendar and figure out which movies are gonna roll over and which I’m just gonna let go.
So here’s all the 2019 films that weren’t released: (more…)
2019: The Year in Reviews (December)
You know what it is. It’s the last half of December, which means we’re wrapping up the year.
Like most things in my life, it’s built around a pun. What I do in January is preview everything I can possibly find that’s set to come out that year. And then what I do is watch as many of them as I can, dropping reviews each third of the year. And then in December, we recap how that all went, month by month and see how I did/what I liked.
Mainly I do this for me, just to see how accurate I can guess on stuff up to a year out (I used to hope for a solid 2/3 percentage, but at this point I generally hit above 70% and really wanna see if I can somehow get to 75%), but it also keeps me honest, since I don’t read anything I write after it goes up until I compile these articles and my reviews are done based on how I feel as I write them up. So really this is bringing the two together and considering my feelings as they stand at this moment in time. And then hopefully others can maybe find some cool stuff they didn’t know about or previously consider from it all.
Today is December. (more…)
2019: The Year in Reviews (November)
You know what it is. It’s the last half of December, which means we’re wrapping up the year.
Like most things in my life, it’s built around a pun. What I do in January is preview everything I can possibly find that’s set to come out that year. And then what I do is watch as many of them as I can, dropping reviews each third of the year. And then in December, we recap how that all went, month by month and see how I did/what I liked.
Mainly I do this for me, just to see how accurate I can guess on stuff up to a year out (I used to hope for a solid 2/3 percentage, but at this point I generally hit above 70% and really wanna see if I can somehow get to 75%), but it also keeps me honest, since I don’t read anything I write after it goes up until I compile these articles and my reviews are done based on how I feel as I write them up. So really this is bringing the two together and considering my feelings as they stand at this moment in time. And then hopefully others can maybe find some cool stuff they didn’t know about or previously consider from it all.
Today is November. (more…)
2019: The Year in Reviews (October)
You know what it is. It’s the last half of December, which means we’re wrapping up the year.
Like most things in my life, it’s built around a pun. What I do in January is preview everything I can possibly find that’s set to come out that year. And then what I do is watch as many of them as I can, dropping reviews each third of the year. And then in December, we recap how that all went, month by month and see how I did/what I liked.
Mainly I do this for me, just to see how accurate I can guess on stuff up to a year out (I used to hope for a solid 2/3 percentage, but at this point I generally hit above 70% and really wanna see if I can somehow get to 75%), but it also keeps me honest, since I don’t read anything I write after it goes up until I compile these articles and my reviews are done based on how I feel as I write them up. So really this is bringing the two together and considering my feelings as they stand at this moment in time. And then hopefully others can maybe find some cool stuff they didn’t know about or previously consider from it all.
Today is October. (more…)
2019: The Year in Reviews (September)
You know what it is. It’s the last half of December, which means we’re wrapping up the year.
Like most things in my life, it’s built around a pun. What I do in January is preview everything I can possibly find that’s set to come out that year. And then what I do is watch as many of them as I can, dropping reviews each third of the year. And then in December, we recap how that all went, month by month and see how I did/what I liked.
Mainly I do this for me, just to see how accurate I can guess on stuff up to a year out (I used to hope for a solid 2/3 percentage, but at this point I generally hit above 70% and really wanna see if I can somehow get to 75%), but it also keeps me honest, since I don’t read anything I write after it goes up until I compile these articles and my reviews are done based on how I feel as I write them up. So really this is bringing the two together and considering my feelings as they stand at this moment in time. And then hopefully others can maybe find some cool stuff they didn’t know about or previously consider from it all.
Today is September. (more…)
