Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part II — “Humphrey Boggart”

This week, we have another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the second part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

We begin Part II after one class and before another. So like fifth period.

Which, for some of these first years, that might not be that far off.

Though now I am curious how the female hygiene situation is handled at this school. Kinda worried they’re all too prudish and the women don’t get nearly enough things they should have (tampons, pads, birth control, the ability to walk through the corridors at night without pepper spray).

I love how things have gotten more pointy in this film.

And steep.

Ron wants to know how Hermione got to class out of nowhere. She said she’s taking Ancient Runes, which is taught the same time as Divination.

“Tell me about the rabbits, George.”

“How could anyone be in two classes at once?”

Colin:

Ron should really push this point. “Don’t be silly, Ronald. How could anyone be in two classes at once?” “The question stands, bitch. Explain.”

When did the walk to Hagrid’s involve the same hill outside the gates of fucking Mordor?

“Broaden your minds. Use your Inner Eye to see the future!”

I love Hermione making fun of Trelawney here. More of that.

Can I do that? Teach a class at a school and do it from home?

Hagrid says he’s got a real treat for them.

Double bourbons and a Henry Fonda movie?

In the Dark Forest.

Which isn’t so dark during the day. Also, it looks just like a regular forest. Is the regular forest next to the Dark Forest? How do you know which one’s the dark one and which one isn’t?

Colin:

We actually call it “urban” these days.

Remember when this forest had trees all spaced out? Now it just looks like… you know… a forest.

When did they install that Wild Bunch wall?

You think the stone Morgan Freeman pulled out of it is still there?

Also, the robes are back. But they’re fading them out. It’s like formal wear. I guess first and second years are mandated to wear the uniform, and after that, it’s more lenient.

In order to open their books, they have to stroke its spine.

Colin:

They’re actually stroking the dick. It’s the dick.

Jesus, Neville.

“I think they’re funny.”

Did I miss something? Who’s funny? This comes out of nowhere.

Colin:

Draco, you look so fetching with your hair down.

Oh, was she saying they think they’re funny? Was there some chirping going on that we missed during all that?

Draco makes a crack about Hagrid.

Colin:

It’s great how Dean’s ready to throw down in pretty much every shot. Also, way to tie that tie, Ron.

“Shut up, Malfoy.”

I like that Hermione’s rolling their eyes. Like, “Jesus, guys, put the tape measures away. Your dicks are both small.”

Oh, shit, it’s on.

They don’t have to take this outside, they already there.

When did Hogwarts get so ethnically diverse?

Colin:

Gotta wonder if race is a thing at all for them. It appears to be for Rowling, but what about the Malfoys? Think Lucius would care if Draco brought home a Black witch, or would he be cool with it as long as she were pure blood? 

He might consider her only 3/5 of a pure blood, knowing Lucius.

“Dementor!”

“Ah ahahaha! We Punk’d yo ass!”

Weird that he fell for it, given that it seems to be a hot day outside and Dementors are generally known for things being cold around them.

“Slytherin represent!”

I don’t think Crabbe gives a shit. He’s barely even trying here.

Colin:

He looks like the Andre 3000 backup dancers from the ‘Hey Ya’ video.

Are there polaroid pictures in this universe? Do they move?

Hermione and Harry get more visual setup than she and Ron do and it’s not even close.

Also, is that girl supposed to be Susan Bones or is she just a rando they introduced? We never actually find out most of these kids’ names.

“You’re supposed to stroke it!”

Great timing, Ronald. Great timing.

Colin:

Black girl, Black guy, Indian girl in the back, Indian boy, and we only know Dean…this movie got tokens like Chuck E. Cheese.

Seamus hasn’t blown up yet and it’s weird.

They call him Longbottom cause he gets so many bitches the well ain’t got no bottom.

What happened to Susan Bones? Is she dead? I’m gonna assume dead.

Ever wear dead animals as suspenders?

The three South Asians are standing right next to one another, all the redheads are up front, and the one East Asian is over there on the left all by herself.

Maybe she’s Native American? I mean, good on them, but also, if they’re just there for ‘color’, you’re not actually doing anything progressive.

It’s Buckbeak.

He’s a Hippogriff.

Hagrid says Hippogriffs are proud creatures, so don’t fuck with them.

Buckbeak don’t give a fuck. He’s only here cause he ain’t got shit to do while his main chick is at work.

Hagrid wants to know who wants to volunteer.

“Well done, Harry.”

“You motherfuckers…”

But seriously, what are you afraid of? You killed a BASILISK!

He looks like he’s about to do the Hacksaw Jim Duggan three point stance and clothesline.

“Motherfucker, you think this is a game?”

Colin:

That’s the bow for when you’ve accidentally walked into your lord’s receiving room wearing your corridor shoes.

Real recognize real.

Malfoy is unimpressed.

Colin:

Is it me, or is the Gryffindor chick on the left going in for a tweak?

Isn’t that called a “tune up”?

Is that how you go to pet most things? Hand out from a mile away?

I was gonna say something about them not understanding the creatures, but I feel like, given Hagrid’s general vibe, the notion here is that he’s putting them around stuff they absolutely should not be around and there’s a legitimate chance this thing tears Harry’s jugular to shreds.

Yeah, which one of these relationships feels forced?

Also, what’s with this white chick being put front and center in all these shots?

Dean Thomas look like he wants your number.

Colin:

Throughout these past few shots, Malfoy looks like a frat guy watching one of his buddies get a lap dance. 

That just got him an A for the semester.

“And now you’re gonna ride him!”

Colin:

Buckbeak just made the rape noise when Hagrid hit him on the ass.

I trust the person who lives in Japan to know what he’s talking about with that sort of thing.

I also like how you said ‘the’ instead of ‘a’.

This is a shot that will (sort of) be repeated in Deathly Hallows 1.

Dude, you should take him over to Hogsmeade, get drunk and come back.

The class is still there, three hours later, Harry and Buckbeak some stumbling back – “By the light – of the silvery moon!” “ERRAGGGAHHGHGH!!!”

Where’s that giant lake that’s gonna be there next movie? Other side?

There we go.

They totally reused this shot in Deathly Hallows with the dragon, didn’t they?

“I’m the king of the (wizarding) world!”

God, I fucking hate when people in movies shout either “woo” or “woo hoo!” Please do away with this forever.

We can understand something is thrilling without those words, I promise you.

How does Buckbeak know to go back? Wouldn’t he just do whatever the fuck he wanted? It’s not like Harry made an avatar bond with him with his hair-soul dick thing or anything.

THAT’s how you bring him back? Siriusly? He can hear that?

What does the rest of the class do while Harry’s flying around? Are they all gonna get a chance to ride Buckbeak? That’s kind of a dick move toward Buckbeak. Making him take everyone out for a spin. I feel like at a certain point Buckbeak is like, “Nah, fuck you, I’m staying right here.”

Lotta clapping goes on in this school.

Also, girl on the left looks like she has a peg leg. Just saying.

And the one on the right with the robe looks like she’s missing a leg.

Reminds of this all-time Youtube comment:

“I got this shit.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa – back the fuck up.”

He got smacked the fuck up.

“Whoa, whoa –”

“Buckbeak!”

Colin:

Hagrid just used the “don’t-make-me-take-off-my-belt” voice. That’ll do it.

“Jesus, Malfoy, I don’t know why you’re being such a bitch about this. You provoked him.”

Aww… this isn’t the last time Hagrid’s gonna carry a body out of the forest.

Look at Buckbeak. He’s pacing around like, “Look, I didn’t have anything to do with this! That motherfucker rolled up on ME! I ain’t goin’ to jail for this! You all saw that shit!”

So, you’re just gonna leave them in the forest with this wild animal?

“You know that shit was his fault. We still cool?”

“Yeah man, we cool.”

What kind of drunken ghost is that? I love this guy.

Draco’s got himself a main chick.

LOOK AT HOW THEY’RE SITTING. Seriously, which of these two would you think are gonna end up together?

Colin:

Fred and George?

Colin:

And now the ghosts are just racing around in the background? Well done, sirs.

Sirius Black has been spotted.

“Dufftown? That’s not far from here.”

Dufftown?

Also pretty sure everywhere isn’t far from there. This is the wizarding world. Everyone lives like, a foot-and-a-half from one another.

Neville worries he could be at Hogwarts. Seamus says he already slipped past the Dementors once. He can certainly do it again.

They’re doing a good job of at least trying to misdirect you and making you think he’s some crazed psychopath on the loose.

“That’s right. Black could be anywhere.”

Colin:

WHY DID THE BLACK KID GET THIS LINE?! Funny you should say. “It’s like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.” I take it the Black kid suggests setting up a defensive hot box instead? Jesus, Rowling and whoever cast this film.

Do we ever find out just how he escaped? Because I feel like that’s a more interesting movie than a lot of the stuff we see in these ones.

Yes… poppies will make them sleep…

Wow, the Dementors really are just like Glinda.

Lot of moving through mirrors in this movie.

Anyway, Lupin is gonna teach them a lesson, before Ze Boggarts get here.

He asks them if they know what a boggart looks like.

Colin:

I hope that boggart’s name is Humphrey.

Hermione – who again appears out of nowhere – says no one knows. “They take the shape of whatever a particular person fears the most.”

So I guess my boggart would turn into responsibility.

Colin:

And mine would be commitment. AM I RIGHT GUYS???

How does a boggart turn into sobriety…

“Fortunately, boggarts are like Dementors – we can shoo them away with a really easy spell whenever we want.”

Is it just by saying ‘fuck off, boggart’? Because I’d respect that.

That spell –

“Rock and roll!”

Or – “Riddikulus.”

“This class is ridiculous.”

He’s kind of got a point. Three years in and you’ve barely learned a goddamn thing. Your first professor is dead, your second is institutionalized and this one’s a werewolf.

“Well, I told you how to say the spell, now you can just do it on your own.”

How like school. “I told you once, now you should be able to do it, no problem.”

Also – I love the assumption that the kids don’t know about these spells until they’re told. Hermione’s not that far ahead. She just reads books. Technically they can just read books and know how to Crucio people at age seven.

Though, I guess that is a lot like real school. None of us actually did read ahead in the textbook except the Hermione-type students. All right. I’ll give them a pass there. But still, it’s funny. “Okay, now here’s the spell – Riddikulus.” Now that you know the one word, you can do it on your own. Remember when teachers would spend fifteen minutes showing you how to use the quadratic formula the first time? Magic teaching requires no skill whatsoever.

Colin:

You have to figure that since half of these spells are just about words, you’d forget most of them unless you used them regularly enough. How often do you think you’d use “Oculus Reparo?” By the time you’re like 28 and drinking all the time, I bet you’d have forgotten most of your shit. Which basically means that every time people call someone a “skilled wizard,” that basically means they’re good at remembering formulas and shit. I’d just have spellbooks on a Kindle or something.

See, but the fucked up thing is, by the end, they’re just flicking the wands and making spells and shit. So the words even become meaningless.

I’m just gonna assume there’s some level of inner ability that allows them to perform spells at a certain degree of effectiveness and that’s what makes a good wizard versus a bad wizard. Or maybe not. Maybe some really are that easy. At least with the patronus, as we’ll learn, it’s based on how strongly you can conjure up that memory. But otherwise, all it takes are two words and you can just kill a motherfucker.

Neville goes first, naturally.

What does he fear most?

Wouldn’t it be funny if Kool Moe Dee came out of there?

Of course.

How does the boggart know which thing to turn into? Because Neville is standing closest? It had no idea until that door opened what it was gonna become. This seems suspect.

“Riddikulus.”

Alan Rickman’s finest moment, I’m sure.

Now everyone gets to go!

And he puts on music – this is why I always loved Lupin.

CG—whaaa?

So what does a boggart actually do after turning into what you fear most? Does it kill you? Or does it just stand there until you pee your pants, laugh and leave like my Uncle Tim?

And thus begins the montage…

Jasmine’s afraid of snakes.

Colin:

The Indian chick didn’t like snakes, so she turned it into a big, freaky clown thing? Screw that. What if your worst fear is heights? Or being spurned by a loved one? I’d love to see a boggart try to deal with some abstract fears. I’d also like to see it deal with Shiho. Maybe it’d turn into a strawberry.

What if this were 1955? And the boggart turned into an A-bomb?

But seriously, what does it say about the kid who turned a scary thing into another scary thing? “Ha ha ha, I’m afraid of snakes… *lower tone* but genocide is hilarious.”

What if that was someone else’s fear? How is that less frightening than a giant snake?

Also, just gonna throw it out there again — there’s a lot of people in this room. So how’s it picking which fear to turn into? Sure, they’re standing in a line. But technically Lupin is closer to it than all of them. What if three people are standing in a row next to one another? Does it turn into multiple things at once? Does it pick whichever seems scariest? Curious business this Humphrey Boggart is in.

Yes, let’s put the one kid who’s seen real death here. That’ll end well.

That’s the look you have when you realize you’re about to have to tackle a motherfucker.

Wouldn’t it be great if it just stayed as the clown and didn’t do anything?

“I ain’t scared of shit, motherfucker.”

“NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Well this must’ve been a really weird shot to have to perform.

Multiple times.

Gee, wonder what that means…

“Riddikulus!”

Too bad we’ll never learn what the apple’s biggest fear is now.

I love how teachers always end class the minute something fucked up happens.

Hermione’s the only person thinking the right thing right now.

Love how this shot is through a mirror and most people don’t notice unless you’re paying attention.

Love this shot.

Maggie!

Second biggest badass at Hogwarts.

McGonagall won’t let him go to Hogsmeade. He doesn’t have his permission slip signed.

I do like that they get field trips though. I mean, sure, an escaped prisoner is on the loose and Hogsmeade isn’t remotely protected, but you know… candy.

She says there’s nothing she can do. Only a parent or guardian can sign.

So she’ll buy him a broom but she won’t sign his slip. Nice. Real nice.

She does apologize though. Which is cool. She’s one of those old-school Irish teachers. I get it.

Colin:

Nah, this is still Rowling bullshit. She takes care of everything for him and makes crazy exceptions to rules on the regular. How about when the Weasley boys literally kidnap him from Privet Drive and mail from Hogwarts shows up at the Weasleys’ house the next day, as if the Hogwarts administrators were saying, “Heard you got kidnapped from your legal guardians! Good for you!” They seem to just look the other way when it comes to rules like this. Couldn’t Harry just follow along five minutes later? I bet nobody’d say shit.

She does have the out of, “Well, this gives me an excuse not to let him go, since this motherfucker is out to kill him and he doesn’t know.” I feel like she’d rap these lines, as well.

Harry says goodbye to them. Not once do they mention the other way he can get there.

What’s with that wave, Hermione?

The shots in this movie are just great.

x2.

x3.

Colin:

Yeah, these shots are all amazing. This film looks so much better than the first two. By far.

That’s funny. “Well shit, the entire school is gone, so let’s just hang out with the teachers.” Since he sure as hell isn’t gonna hang out with the younger kids. Though are you telling me there’s not one other loser… I mean, child… who didn’t get permission to go to Hogsmeade and get drunk for the day?

Harry asks Lupin why he stopped him from facing the boggart. Lupin says he thought it was gonna turn into Voldielocks. Harry says he did think about Voldie for a second, but then was like, “Nah, I remembered that thing that tried to kill me – that shit made me make a doo doo cloud.”

Plus we don’t know what Voldemort looks like yet. That’s also probably why.

Two things, though — how can he be afraid of someone he’s never met? Why would you think to be afraid of Voldemort if all you know about him is that he murdered your parents? Also, since when do boggarts take requests? “You know, come to think of it, I’m way more afraid of this than I am that other thing?” You’re making it seem like it’s based on what you think of when the boggart is near. I thought the boggart just instinctively knew what you were most afraid of and just transformed into it and made you face it? I didn’t know there was a ‘choose your form’ option.

Though, Lupin says, this means that the thing Harry fears most is fear itself.

Colin:

Oh boy, Lupin. Going all FDR up in this bitch. Maybe that’s Lupin’s secret affliction. Polio. 

Holy shit, what if the fourth unforgivable curse was “Polio?” How hilarious would that be?

“I can’t feel my legs!”

Lupin also says when he first saw Harry, he recognized him immediately. “Not by your scar, but by your eyes. They’re your mother, Lily’s.”

And here’s where this bullshit starts. Always with the fucking eyes.

“Yes, oh yes, I knew her.”

Did he fuck her? What’s with that phrasing? “Alas, poor Lily, I knew her well.”

“Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was.”

I know what he’s talking about, but it just sounds like puberty.

Lupin explains that Lily was a great witch and an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, especially when others couldn’t see it in themselves. (This explains Snape.) And his father – he was a real troublemaker. Which is code for asshole but only comes out as troublemaker when you, too, were one of the assholes.

“A talent, rumor has it, he passed onto you.”

That was pretty homoerotic.

“You’re more like them than you know, Harry.”

That was pretty touching.

Unless of course he meant dead, in which case that was kinda dark.

Lotta paintings in this place. Did they just pull everything out of storage for this year? Maybe more eyes to see if some shit goes down?

Can’t the paintings help with the changing stairs if someone gets lost?

If I did this TV series, I’d do an episode just about the paintings and their history and their inner worlds. You could do an entire episode from the perspective of the paintings where an actual storyline with the characters you know plays out purely in the background.

(The funny part about all of this is that if they ever do make a TV show about this world, somewhere along the way someone will 100% have read one of these articles and stolen some of these ideas. Not to have a self-inflated opinion of these dumbass articles or to say that they’d do it exactly like we wrote it, but also… kinda feel like that’s bound to happen. Just give us the credit, is all I’m saying. Or put us on the staff.)

I see they’re all pros at the stairs now. They’re just changing right to where they want to go.

Something’s wrong at the common room.

Colin:

WHY IS THERE A BIG PAINTING OF JUST AN EYEBALL THAT SHIT IS WEIRD

Why does Harry look like Charlie Sheen here?

Colin:

Tiger blood! …is an ingredient often used in Potions class.

Colin:

“I just sucked a dick!”

“The fat lady – she’s gone.”

Colin:

What did I say?

Well, I guess that means it’s over then, now innnit?

Also, remember when you almost died like six months ago? Oh, right, Ginny’s no longer important anymore. We’ll just give her a line so you remember she exists and that’s it. This is actually the only time we see Ginny in this movie.

Colin:

Just so you guys know, pretty much anytime she shows up in one of these movies, I’m gonna call her out for being a skank, just like I have done. I have reasons for disliking her, mostly cause she replaces a fine Asian girl. But she also has a messed up character arc that doesn’t fly. We’ll get to that some other time.

The moon really did hit Lupin just right.

I love the moving paintings. It’s such a great touch.

Also, found the other eye to go with that first one.

Shouldn’t the paintings know exactly what it is? Or is it just one of those things we don’t tell the students? Because it sure as shit seems like there’s no hard line on what the students can and can’t know.

Why do you look so surprised? You hired him.

Also – it’s weird that he’s like, “Out of the way, let me through.” Richard Harris would never pull that shit. Isn’t Dumbledore the, “Appear out of nowhere/make a grand entrance type guy?” This motherfucker’s just tossing kids off the stairs.

Colin:

That girl is one serious Black.

Good job, Filch. I’m sure whatever did this is hiding up there.

Not exactly “Lovely Raquel,” is it?

“Round up all the ghosts. Tell them to find the fat lady.”

This is like a noir.

Go ahead, paintings, you heard Captain Renault.

Oh, no he wasn’t looking for who did this. He found the Fat Lady! Good job, Filch. This motherfucker is ON POINT.

Colin:

Look at that hippo. And what’s the animal it’s hiding behind?

“Secure the castle, Mr. Filch.”

Which is funny, since he’s the only one in the castle that doesn’t know magic. When you see what “securing the castle” means in Deathly Hallows, this actually turns into a pretty douchey thing for Dumbledore to say.

I also like how that line is this franchise’s version of ‘secure the perimeter‘.

Or, I guess… that counts as securing the castle, too.

What is this, Helm’s Deep?

Hood locks.

Colin:

Think you got enough locks there, Butch?

So, they’re securing the castle because one of the professors is a werewolf and is on the loose. Cool. But when you don’t tell anybody that it just seems like it might be Sirius who’s doing all this.

The more important question, though, is — if the Dementors see Lupin in werewolf form, will they attack him? Because in that moment, he’s a threat. And you apparently already tried to murder Harry, so who’s the say Lupin isn’t getting popped in the Dark Forest when no one’s watching? Plus he already fucked one of your guys up on that train. If there’s one thing I know about cops, they’re retaliatory as fuck.

Aww… just like Suspiria.

Snape says he doesn’t trust Lupin, Dumbledore tells him to chill. Shit’s safe. We don’t need to tell Harry anything. Let him sleep.

Weird how they’re having this conversation among all the students.

And right over the main character’s head.

“For in dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let them swim in the deepest ocean, or glide over the highest cloud.”

How many tabs did you take, Albus?

That’s one of the most random lines in the entire franchise.

Nice ceiling, though. I want a ceiling I can do that with. Just make the room look like a planetarium.

Also, I wanna go to a planetarium. Who wants to go to the planetarium with me?

Colin:

I remember the last time I went to the Hayden Planetarium in Boston, the whole show was narrated by Tom Hanks, and it was incredible after I got over the initial Apollo 13 anxiety.

Nice transition to winter.

I love how he always enters class like he just got into a huge fight with his wife.

“All right, bitches. We’re gonna watch a movie today.”

Which — was there ever any better day at school when you saw them wheeling this into the classroom?

“Turn to page 394.”

One of the most quoted lines in the franchise, randomly.

Colin:

It weirded me out to see a random projector screen. Like they use it on a regular basis. We never see them elsewhere, but Snape’s decided to break out the transparencies and the overhead projector.

Apparently Ron doesn’t know how to count. That’s nowhere near 394, buddy.

Lupin isn’t there today.

And this is naturally what you do with a sub.

And I mean, hey — Snape technically is the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Though I guess it’s more of a “You’re not my real DADA professor!” situation.

“Werewolves?”

It’s weird how she’s the only one who can use basic logic at this school. I mean, great on her for being brilliant, but also… come on now.

Woman knows everything. And Snape’s got a good enough poker face that he an’t letting nothing slip. Though of course, you only do this just so you could out Lupin. Which…. given how werewolves are coded in this movie… might be a hate crime.

“Where the fuck did she come from?”

“Who can tell me the difference between an animagus and a werewolf?”

Of course she can.

The Prime of Miss Jean Granger.

“No one? How disappointing.”

I love that he doesn’t even turn around. He knows.

That werewolf has no dick.

Colin:

Is this implying that Leonardo Da Vinci was a werewolf or that wizards are plagiarists? I refuse to entertain further options.

Hermione goes and answers the question anyway. Uppity mudblood.

“That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger. Are you incapable of restraining yourself or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?”

“He’s got a point, you know.”

I was gonna say the exact same thing, Ron. Spot. Fucking. On.

But also, that was an incredible put-down. Snape knows how to cut deep.

Nice origami.

Snape assigns an essay. Two rolls of parchment on the werewolf with specific emphasis on recognizing it.

I feel like all you need to turn in is something with the words ‘Professor Lupin’ and it’s a mic drop.

Also, is Snape gonna be the one reading these essays? Or is he doing this just to make Lupin have to grade them? Which is a dick move, but also… I feel like Lupin can just be like ‘this wasn’t my assignment, fuck you’ and throw them out and just give everyone extra credit.

“But it’s Quidditch tomorrow.”

So what? He’s supposed to get off easy because he’s a star athlete? Plus, it’s due Monday. Class obviously isn’t on Sunday. Do all your shit on Sunday like the rest of us.

Colin:

Wizards don’t even need to worry about sitting around half of Sunday playing Pokémon. Seriously, what does he have to do? 

But also… what the fuck is class time being dedicated to, then? All of these classes feel like they’re only about 15 minutes long. Most substitutes assign the essay during the class.

Oh right… the note.

He loves doing that eyebrow raise.

Colin:

Nice cartoon, Malfoy. You’ve got a future there.

I like how he signed it. Like it’s gonna be worth money someday. Which is funny, since you basically just implicated yourself in passing notes.

I’m sure that’s safe. We called off one because Hermione got petrified, but certain death for students? That’s fine.

And people showed up, too.

If ever there was a day to stay in and get drunk in a near-empty castle, this is it.

Facepaint in the rain – I admire your dedication.

To be fair, he was probably painted up and drunk about four hours ago before the rain.

Totally safe.

Colin:

So, Draco’s cartoon had Harry being zapped by lightning. This is probably for one of three reasons:

1) He saw the weather report for the following day, and it was pretty definitive about a lightning storm
2) It always rains in England
3) Draco read the script!

And that’s the end of Katie Bell.

Colin:

Hah. “Bell.” DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!

Well, at least they’re out there too. That whole, “If I can handle it, you can handle it,” attitude. That’s at least somewhat less shitty?

Colin:

Hey, McGonagall, is it rainy out or are you just happy to see me?

Both.

Colin:

GREAT fucking idea. Let’s fly up into a lightning storm on lightning rods to go after a metal ball.

It’s worth noting that at least for once they’re not playing Slytherin.

UN-LIMITED POWER!!!!!!

Dead Hufflepuff.

He’ll be fine.

Oh-kay.

Colin:

Harry sees the omen in the sky and gets nervous cause he’s wondering what’s going to kill him. THE FUCKING LIGHTNING, YOU CRETIN.

But also… what’s the deal with that dog in the sky? Is that ever explained?

Wow that dick probably could cut glass.

Is that the first instance of blood in the franchise?

I mean, other than the Lunchables sauce Ginny smears on the wall. Which can’t be real blood because I don’t really know how she’d be able to stand after losing the amount that would be required to write those messages on the wall.

Man knows how to fly, though. I’ll give him that. He does some nice stunt brooming.

So is he just way too high up or are they just flying dangerously close to the stadium?

Surprise, motherfucker!

“Peek-a-boo.”

That’s… a hole.

That’s twice now the Dementors have tried to kill him. And only one was visibly seen by a professor. But you’d think that maybe if he just told someone they’d speak to someone about that. Though, knowing Harry, he is the martyr type who’d not say anything.

You think he did that for the other kid that fell a minute ago?

I also love that they shoehorn in one non-white face in every crowd shot.

Love the iris in.

Though I’m not quite sure what Dumbledore did there. Stopped time? Or did he just signal the editor to change the reel?

Harry wakes up in the hospital. Dude’s had more hospital visits than Prince Philip.

Also, why are they all just fucking standing around him like that. It’s creepy as shit.

One – seriously now, with the relationship thing. Two — what’s with the girl just standing there in a jacket like that? Is this a hit? What the fuck is that about?

HA! The Hufflepuff is in the background too. Nobody gives a fuck about him.

Also, Katie Bell is sort of just lying there and twitching.

Best thing about this shot – you can hear Madame Pomfrey say, “Be still (whoever),” but it totally sounds like, “He’s STILL drunk!”

His broom kinda got fucked up too.

Colin:

Oh no! That cost him…free. Guess you’ll just have to break out a few of those drillion galleons your dead parents left you.

Are they playing “Taps” under this shot? Because it sounds like they are.

Lupin explains to Harry that he’s not a bitch – the Dementors are affecting him because there are true horrors in his past.

I still think he’s kind of a bitch.

And that’s kind of a bullshit excuse. So basically you’re telling me the Dementors just feed off trauma while also inflicting it? Like men?

But also, again — horrors in his past? You don’t think the horcrux on his forehead has anything to do with it? Or is that his way of obliquely mentioning it without giving the game up?

Hey, that’s where they bury Dumbledore!

Oh, and Lupin says he’ll teach Harry to take on the Dementors. After the holidays. Guess he better stay alive during the holidays, then.

That’s where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and Marauder’s Maps, Expecto Patronums, a great punch to the face, and the greatest put-down in franchise history.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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