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Fun with Franchises: The Matrix (1999), Part I — “$2,000 Whiter Than Usual”

It’s good to be back. Welcome to the second season of Fun with Franchises. We take long breaks because we bring the quality. We’re welcoming it back with a franchise that’s sure to lead to some interesting discussions between the two of us — The Matrix.

The way Fun with Franchise works is: my friend Colin and I, we realized it was insanely fun for the two of us to watch the same movie separately, and then write jokes about it. The fun being that we each bring in our own observations, and then play off of each other, and somehow, despite watching these movies completely separately, always manage to say the exact same things at the exact same times. It’s basically what you do with your friends when you watch movies together, except we’re doing it completely independently, and then combining notes. Trust me, it’s way more fun than it sounds when I explain it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…)

Originally, we started with the Bond movies, and that was so much fun it graduated from a one-off to a series. Last time we did this, we did the Harry Potter franchise, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had ever seen before we watched them for the articles), and Pirates of the Caribbean. You can read all those articles here. They were so much fun for us, we decided to continue. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it.

So that’s essentially Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the first part of The Matrix.

The Matrix - Title Card

The Matrix - Warner Bros. Logo

Warner Bros.

Colin:

Oh man, it feels fucking good to be back to Fun with Franchises.

The Matrix - 1

This code is literally just symbols, numbers, and Asian letters.

 

Colin:

Green shit! I can’t read that fast! Oh, there’s Japanese letters. I love how dumb Americans are, that we can see letters from other languages and have no fucking clue where they’re from. It’s really just an East-West thing. People recognize Cyrillic and Hebrew and stuff…that’s still vaguely Western. But Arabic, Farsi, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, and all of those others? Fuck those, we got no clue.

Of course, I say all of this knowing full well that a lot of people around the world are the same way with other languages. But it’s fun to stop and think about how ignorant Americans are. Remember how the language spoken by Lando’s co-pilot in Return of the Jedi was actually just speaking a random African language? We don’t know that shit.

We don’t know that shit, but we know racism.

Also, that pilot guy died like, a month ago.

There wasn’t really a joke there. That poor little laughing bastard is dead.

The Matrix - 2

Gotta say, though, this was all of our screensavers from summer 1999-summer 2000.

It seems so long ago.

Now we all have those Jupiter Ascending screensavers

The Matrix - 3

The Matrix - Title Card

I remember when they started teaching matrices in calculus.

They sucked.

The Matrix - 4

Get it? The A and the I disappeared.

The Matrix - 5

This is essentially a dial tone for a computer.

This is the metronome of the 21st century. The blinking cursor. Shit, it’s right here now, as I type this.

Colin:

Hah. That’s an old ass computer. Running the Matrix on a fucking Tandy? I named my Tandy Jessica.

Because in both cases, you had to blow into them to make them work.

Oh, a phone is dialing now too.

Wouldn’t it be great if it turned into this?

(Or, I guess, more appropriately, this?)

The Matrix - 6

One of the Wachowskis is a trans opt.

Also, this call happened on February 19, 1998 at 1:24 pm. This could be the call that stopped us from invading Saddam Hussein.

“Yeah.”

Those are the first words of this franchise.

“I believe in America.”

“Rosebud.”

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.”

“Yeah.”

This is it, folks. Sometimes you don’t know when you peak.

“Is everything in place?”

This could be the audio of two people fucking and you wouldn’t know.

The Matrix - 7

It would be weird if it weren’t running.

Trace Program — lackadaisical.

“You weren’t supposed to relieve me.”

“I know, but I felt like taking a shift.”

Yeah, because that’s normal. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I wanted to work.” This person is not trustworthy.

 Colin:

Who talks like this on the phone? Nobody.

I don’t mind it, it’s just — you can sometimes tell when someone is reading from a script because you can hear them calculating when to jump in based on when the other’s line is gonna end. It’s one of those things, like how Bogey used to do those mile-a-minute monologues in movies that a real person could never pull off, where you know that it’s totally fake but it works stylistically. Film’s an art form, folks.

“Yeah.”

The Matrix - 8

“You like him, don’t you?”

Or they want THE D!

“You like watching him.”

This is the beginning of the movie, guys. We haven’t met anyone yet. And this is the exchange.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

So you say, but that word is still in there.

The Matrix - 9

“We’re gonna kill him, you understand that?”

A minute into the movie and they spoil the whole franchise.

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“Morpheus believes he is The One.”

Yeah, for humanity. Not for your vagina.

“Do you?”

“It doesn’t matter what I believe.”

Yeah, it kinda does. Considering you’re the whole second in command and everything. That’s like Goebbels being like, “You know, it doesn’t really matter if I’m on board with the whole killing Jews thing. As long as you’re excited, I’m excited.”

Also, “We believe in NOTHING, Lebowski!”

The Matrix - 11

“You don’t, do you?”

Also, let’s point out, they’re watching this person through computer code, essentially. So this is basically the Real World version of porn.

Or the Truman Show.

Though I am gonna use these numbers for lotto the next few days.

The Matrix - 12

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

WOOP WOOP THAT’S THE SOUND OF DA POLICE!!

No? Are we not hearing the same thing?

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“Are you sure this line is clean?”

That’s the best way to get out of a conversation with anyone. Pause out of nowhere and when they ask what’s up, go, “This line is compromised. And hang up.”

“Yeah, of course I’m sure.”

What else would you expect him to say there? “No, I’m not really sure at all. It’s a fucking phone line we’re talking on while plugged into a computer system.” Or like, “Nah, what? Clean? I’m not good at my job at all. You don’t pay me enough to clean lines.”

It’s weird to think he was sabotaging shit from this far back.

The Matrix - 14

YEAH BOY 69!!!

What? I was ten when this movie came out.

“I gotta go.”

So you think the line is tapped and hang up? Bitch, they already heard you!

The Matrix - 15

Ohh… one hour earlier and we’d have had a field day with that number.

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This looks like a bodysuit that three tittied chick from Total Recall would wear.

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Yeah, stick your dick inside that Matrix hole.

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Colin:

Now we’re INSIDE the computer. I’m fascinated by this thing that movies do where the digital world is incredibly detailed and bizarre and not just simple pixels the way it looks to us. Whenever a movie goes inside a computer or a video game, it’s this organic environment that operates like an environment completely removed from whatever it was designed to be.

These numbers on the computer screen should be just straight pixels lit in the shapes of numbers, but instead, we have these wiggly pillars of green energy with bubbly ripples flowing through them as though they were trees or columns of kelp.

I had similar thoughts watching Tron: Legacy and Wreck-it Ralph — both have these weirdly natural environments that exist within a digital world. I liked the original Tron because of how digital and geometric it was. Of course, I loved Wreck-it Ralph, too.

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Imagine what this would be like after 3D. Better, or worse?

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Also, so this is all taking place inside a 0?

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Should there be electricity here, or… how does this work?

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Did someone shut the TV off?

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Are we gonna iris out?

Is this a gun barrel walk?

Imagine Neo doing a gun barrel walk.

He’d just stare at it, waiting to ask a question.

Neo is the Hamlet to James Bond’s Othello.

The Matrix - 26

It’s pretty cool how these were special effects in 1999.

They’re not really that dated.

The Matrix - 27

One of the fetus pods should float past the camera right now.

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I told you it was the sound of the police. Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?

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Also, you think you guys brought enough flashlights?

Colin:

Cops with mag lights. A staple of film.

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Pretty cool, though, how they use the lights and darkness to overcome the fact that they didn’t have the budget for moments like this.

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You guys learn these fancy maneuvers at the Academy, or…?

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Yeah, sure, show up at a place that looks like a crackhouse, guns drawn, and see what really happens.

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Colin:

What the fuck is this place? An abandoned building with no lights and random, creepy wires coming down from the ceiling? It looks like the interior of an abandoned spaceship from the old Star Trek series.

It looks like my apartment building.

This is also how The Professional ended.

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That door looks like it got hurricaned in the face.

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Also, 303.

Like… Trinity?

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“Yup, it’s a door.”

“Great work, Thompson, let’s move it on out. Lucille’s is still open. I’m buying.”

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Do you really think a police department can afford to give that many guys lights? There’s no way two guys don’t have to share. I couldn’t even get my own textbook in high school.

Is this where my textbook money went?

What the fuck is that about, America?

You mean that I had to share my copy of A Wrinkle in Time with Danny Riccardi in the fourth grade just so these assholes can all have their own flashlights? Because of that, I still don’t even know what the fuck that book is about.

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This.

Colin:

I love a head-on shot of a fat cop coming to kick down a door. More of this.

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FUCK YOU, DOOR!

Somebody built that, you know.

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It really sounds like he just shouts “Rape!” right here. My intuition as a movie watcher and, I guess, as a reasonable human being, tells me he says, “Freeze! Police!” But it sure sounds like he says, “Rape! Rape!” Which, to be honest, if I were a police officer, that’s how I’d bust into every room. Just shout rape. And then perps would be like, “Did you just shout rape?” And then I’d hit them with my service baton.

He could also be saying, “Raif, the light!” Because maybe they just need another light in here.

Maybe Raif is Aziz’s grandson.

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Right, though?

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“Hands on your head!”

As opposed to…?

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City Hoarding? And it has a phone number? Can we call it?

Colin:

So she’s just sitting here facing the wall in the dark? Yeah, that’s normal.

This looks exactly like my childhood.

Even down to the gimp suit.

:(

“Do it! Do it now!”

Yeah, I’m sure that’ll work. Also, really not helping with the fact that I heard them shout rape right before that.

Colin:

He just delivered that line in a tone where, if he’d been German, it would have been, “SCHNELL!” There was a guy like that at the language school I went to. He was American, but he looked so stereotypically “scary German” with the pointy cheek bones and severe eyes that I used to imagine him having an acting resume littered with roles like ‘Der Kommandant.’

In that case, I’d advise her to not turn around. Because… Der Kommandant’s in town.

Goddamn, it’s been too long since I’ve been able to do that.

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Right, though?

Also, am I the only one who had the thought of combining these two?

The Shawshank Redemption - 15

Kilroy totally hung himself.

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I like how they told her to put her hands up and she’s just sitting there.

Gotta finish typing this email first.

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This is exactly how I felt any time I had to write a paper.

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The Heart O’ the City Hotel.

So I guess that means the city is dead inside.

Because there sure ain’t… no love in the heart o’ the city.

Colin:

This is the first time I’ve watched this movie in years, and I’m going to be analyzing it heavily for the first time since I’ve been this into movies.

As am I. Clearly.

Colin:

So, right off the bat — what’s with the panning shot going down the sign outside? I don’t know as I understand the value of such shots. We’ve already seen that there’s no electricity inside and that it’s an abandoned building, so why is there a neon sign flickering? What kind of mood are you trying to create? Or, do you just want a shot that isn’t nothing? Cause I can respect that.

I know the real reason, which is taking away my ability to say something stupid. It’s to make it memorable enough so you remember it later when he gets shot here.

Also, isn’t it funny that a hotel called the Heart O’ the City is abandoned?

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I like how one of those signs just says, “Kung fu.” Nothing else. Maybe that’s what street they’re on. “Meet me at 7th and Fu.”

Neo:

I know that place.

Also, one of those poles is bent. One of these cops fucked up a parallel.

Colin:

A bunch of cop cars outside with lights everywhere. What is the French word for ‘stakeout?’

Imagine what Neo could do with a pen.

Do those six cars even have license plates?

If they do, and they don’t spell out “80085” I’m not interested.

Also, what she was hearing on the line wasn’t the phone being tapped, it’s these idiot cops fucking up a raid. So basically she just said, “Did you hear that?” out loud, either expecting him to have heard something going on at her location, or being the biggest idiot in the world. If you were on the phone, and you heard shit going on outside your door, would you really say, “Did you hear that?” Or would you go, “What the fuck was that?” Or, would you immediately know what it was, since YOU HAVE PEOPLE OUT TRYING TO KILL YOU, and go, “I think they found me. Are you sure this line is clear?”

The Matrix - 49

Colin:

Agents! Yes! I love these guys.

Indiana Jones:

I respectfully disagree.

What exactly are those earpieces hooked up to?

The Matrix - 50

“Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.”

Colin:

ELROND HUBBARD! This is where I knew him from first.

I’d hope so. It would be weird if you knew him from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert first.

The Matrix - 51

“Hey, I’m just doing my job. You give me that juris-my-dick-tion crap, you can cram it up your ass.”

Colin:

This cop acts all nervous, but then goes dickish. Or maybe it’s not nervousness, but rather that he just doesn’t wanna have to talk to this guy. Like, you’re gonna get shit from someone and there’s nothing you’re going to do to change it, so you just say, “Fuck.”

“You had orders.” “I’m just doing my job.” Wait, isn’t your job to follow orders? If you do in fact answer to these guys, then what you were doing was NOT your job. This feels like lazy dialogue just inserted to really drive it home that this cop doesn’t give a fuck and that his apathy is about to be rewarded with a grade-A shellacking.

Juris-my-dick-tion. He said.

Also I’m pretty sure the idea was to set this up as your standard generic cop movie, and then:

It’s weird though, how you don’t have this kind of personality in Matrix people after this. It’s either in the programs or in “freed” people.

The Matrix - 53

“The orders were for your protection.”

“I think we can handle one little girl.”

Colin:

He said, sounding like a creep.

He also calls her a little girl.

She’s like 30.

The Matrix - 52

That’s badass. Always look to the side before walking away in the middle of a conversation.

The Matrix - 54

“I sent two units.”

I bet you did.

“They’re bringing her down now.”

The Matrix - 55

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“No, Lieutenant, your men are already dead.”

Like, in the empirical sense, or…?

Colin:

Well, they’re not ALREADY dead, unless you mean that their fates are sealed. But I love that sort of line. They’re not dead, but he knows they’re about to be and relegates them to the past tense.

The Matrix - 57

Ah, an American Shot.

The Matrix - 58

Goddamn, look at that ass.

Don’t much care for the fact that the back of her head looks like Bruno Mars, but what can you do?

Colin:

She wears nothing but really tight, fake leather in these movies. And I have to say, I’ve never been a Carrie Ann Moss fan. I hear she’s a major bitch in real life (and you should believe everything you hear about actors). 

Has anyone been a Carrie Anne Moss fan? I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard anything about her, ever.

I’m a fan of that ass, though.o

The Matrix - 59

I can see yo ear hair.

Colin:

Looks like she shaved close this morning.

The Matrix - 60

It’s on now.

The Matrix - 61

The Matrix - 62

The Matrix - 63

GRAB YO DUMB ASS!

The Matrix - 64

This.

Colin:

Arms don’t go that way.

The Matrix - 65

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That’s a broken nose.

The Matrix - 68

Correction. That’s a broken nose.

The Matrix - 69

This franchise is going to be a series of these shots for me. People looking dumb because you paused a fight scene in the right place.

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Not really sure what the point of that move was, but it’s famous. So who’s to argue, really?

Colin:

Remember how big that was when it happened? The whole, up in the air camera whirl thing? I remember watching the behind the scenes features (on VHS, no less!) where they show you how they did it, and it was just wires and like 100 regular cameras taking single photographs. The pinnacle of technology. But still, this was an exciting time in filmmaking.

An “exciting time.” Ha. This will be funny come Part II.

The Matrix - 77

The Matrix - 78

DOMINO FALL!

The Matrix - 79

Or something like that.

Colin:

What a kick.

You mean to tell me the cops kicked the fucking door off it’s hinges, but those crackhouse walls withstood two bodies flying into it like that?

The Matrix - 80

WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE THE FUCKING FLASHLIGHT OUT?

The Matrix - 81

Did she say “Hi ya!” when she kicked that chair? Is this Power Rangers?

(Come to think of it, she kind of goes out the way Trini did.)

The Matrix - 82

A HA HA. This shot looks like, “Ow, my fucking foot! Why did I kick that chair?!”

The Matrix - 83

And now she’s hobbling around like a girl.

This is like when Kristen Stewart punched Shirtless in the face.

The Matrix - 84

This is pretty much the only face you can have when you get a chair kicked in your face.

The Matrix - 85

Dude, you suck at this. You just took a chair to the face.

The Matrix - 86

Reaction shots are the key to dead cops.

The Matrix - 87

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The Matrix - 89

This is exactly what it’s like when you’re trying to get in-laws out of the house.

The Matrix - 90

Or when there’s a bug in your apartment.

The Matrix - 91

Is MJ doing stunts?

The Matrix - 92

We’re gonna go way overboard on shots because of faces like this.

The Matrix - 93

Boy, this shot out of context could be many things.

The Matrix - 94

As could this one.

The Matrix - 95

This looks like the moment the old-timey photo is taken, and she’s saying, “Get your hands off me, copper!”

And we cut to the newspaper headline, “Bad Bertha Caught By Eden Town Sheriffs!”

The Matrix - 96

You just let her grab your gun like that?

Also, is that a mirror on the wall or some really shitty art?

Crackheads have no taste.

The Matrix - 97

Colin:

She puts like 20 bullets into this guy. Why? I don’t think she went to cop school with Leo and Matt. Hollowpoints will mess you up.

She went to the school of, “Tank, load the shooting people in the fucking face program.”

Though now that you mention Leo and Matt… imagine what possibilities the Matrix would have if it were a real life thing. That is, rather than Mega City and this generic looking 1999 world, if they actually had real famous people and movie stars and shit. The moments of being on set and out of nowhere, Anne Hathaway turns into an agent.

The Matrix - 98

Yeah, and the mirror stayed on the wall. Okay.

The Matrix - 99

The Matrix - 100

Just a reminder that she can do that for when we see that sex scene in the next movie.

Colin:

This last bit was a bit theatrical. She does like two last moves there where the guy is already on the ground. It’s like when Zhang Ziyi does her last five seconds of random bragging and kung fu after she wrecks up the whole restaurant full of crazy dudes in Crouching Tiger. She’s doing all these weird kicks, and they’re like, “Just…get the fuck out of here, I hurt all over.” What a great movie that was.

It’s also funny to think that cheerleaders do this high kick. And if you put a person behind her for it, it becomes hilarious.

The Matrix - 101

This shot makes up for the complete lack of reasoning behind the flashlights.

Colin:

“Shit.” Don’t you say ‘shit’ when they open the door and tell you to put your hands on your head? That doesn’t seem like an AFTER the fight kinda thing to say.

The Matrix - 102

“Let’s go, bitch.”

The Matrix - 103

That’s great. This shot is literally just, “Come on, cop. We’re walking.”

The Matrix - 104

Colin:

Where is this light coming from now? Wait, she was sitting in the dark before, but now there’s a light on the wall. What the shit?

Yeah, that, but also — what kind of wood is this building made out of?

“Morpheus – the line was traced, I don’t know how.”

Which should be followed by, “Then bitch, why are you calling me?”

The Matrix - 105

“I know. They cut the hard line. There’s no time, you’re going to have to get to another exit.”

The Matrix - 106

“… or will I?”

(Right, though?)

Also, so much cutting of hard lines in movies (well, not anymore, I guess)… how hard is it to replace a hardline once it’s been cut? Because they used to cut them a lot back in the day.

It’s weird to think that phones are their only way in or out. Theoretically they could just cut all the phone lines in the city and they’d be fucked.

“Are there any agents?”

“Yes.”

The Matrix - 107

“Goddamnit, how many times I have I told you about the agents?”

Colin:

Don’t you love it when movies just give you characters trying to sound like badasses and you have to pick up relevant information as you go? “Ah…agents. They are not to be trifled with.”

“Mmm, yes, agents. I do believe they are much like the Wu-Tang Clan. Very much not to be trifled with.”

The Matrix - 108

Oh, ha, she actually says goddamnit.

Colin:

“Damn it.” That delivery sounded like Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore. Like, over-the-top serious, and on purpose.

The Matrix - 109

“You have to focus, Trinity. There’s a phone at Wells and Lake.”

Colin:

I remember the first time I saw this, being like, “…there’s a phone at Wells and Lake? There’s a phone in your HAND, you stupid cunt.”

Look at her forehead.

Also, apparently you can only get sucked up into a landline.

That statement was just uttered.

“You can make it.”

The Matrix - 110

And… go.

Colin:

Sup, bitch?!

The Matrix - 111

Her nose looks weird.

Also, is she wearing lipstick to sit and watch a dude for eight hours?

Which… on that note… did you have to go inside the Matrix to watch a dude for eight hours?

I guess it’s harder to rub one out when everyone’s Matrix chairs are right next to you.

The Matrix - 112

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You just kicked a guy across a room. Run through the fucking door.

The Matrix - 115

Terrific shot.

Colin:

You don’t just stop and look downstairs. You keep moving. Those dudes are right behind you and they were right there when you were turning the corner. I count this shit out in my head, and they had ample time to get to where you were during that shot. Instead, they just turned the corner. Why do we need the shot of the one down in the alley? Just have her continue running up and then cut to the next shot of his head as she runs up the fire escape. That’s so much smoother. Why am I the only person who notices spatial relationship shit? They would have been on top of her as she came to a full stop and took a second to look down.

I’m always willing to forgive a slight spatial relationship error if a good shot is involved.

It is always funny how movies do that, though. Completely ignore the fact that if she stops moving for three seconds, the person chasing her gets way closer.

Especially since, you know, they have super speed.

The Matrix - 116

This one too.

Colin:

One thing I always loved about a lot of scenes in these movies is that they set it up so you’re in a city with lights and shit, but there are never any other people. You’re very aware that it’s a city and that there’s stuff around you, but it’s empty.

The Matrix - 117

Lotta random wires hanging around this place.

And yet the lights are still on.

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This shot, though.

The Matrix - 119

Love places like this.

Maybe because I’m a big World War I guy.

The Matrix - 120

I do like the way they have her run. Although the sound of that latex sounds like when you walk in a wet pair of sneakers.

The Matrix - 121

Do agents not use helicopters?

I feel like a helicopter with a constant spotlight on her would make this go a lot more smoothly for them.

The Matrix - 122

Colin:

So many interesting shots in this roof chase. Her and the agent going slo-mo and then the cops going at full speed. That’s how cops run, in my mind — not really long strides, but very rhythmically.

I feel like the most memorable run in movies is the T-1000. You saw that motherfucker run and were like, “He’s gonna catch you.” Everyone else is negotiable.

The Matrix - 123

 

Ammunation.

Why don’t we advertise guns like that here?

Also, doesn’t it look like the billboard is shooting her in the face?

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Yeah, right, like that many cops would do that.

The Matrix - 128

I like how no one stops to help the fat guy. You realize that if he falls, he’s paralyzed for life, right?

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Great shot.

I like when I can see a chase in a single frame. And then you have them running up and down the peaks and valleys – good shit.

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Is this the Hogwarts greenhouse? It looks exactly like that shot where we panned down to in one of the movies.

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Are the cops okay with the use of deadly force?

What kind of agents do they think these guys are, anyway?

The Matrix - 139

“Silly bitch, I am too fast for bullets.”

The Matrix - 140

You might have just shot Dick Van Dyke.

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Not a lot of red in this movie.

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TALLY HO!

Colin:

That’s one tally ho.

Is that the building they go to later, by the way? Because it kinda looks like it.

The Matrix - 146

Imagine how this would look if they did that today. Worse than this. That says something.

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Like the slanted camera. Interesting shot choices make action movies better.

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Tuck and roll.

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Bam. Just like Bond in Skyfall. Hit the ground running and kept going without missing a step.

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Oh man, the single shot tally ho! Respect.

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Also, is this the same guy that chases her in the next movie? Because that would be funny.

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That first guy is Spielberg-awed, and that second guy is disgusted. Like, “Ugh…typical.”

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“That’s impossible.”

Colin:

Now who says that? Nobody says, “That’s impossible.” You say, “Da fuuuuuuq?!”

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^ ^ ^ ^

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Yes, because that’s smart.

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Right, though?

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That’s the one she’s gonna shoot in the head later, too. Which is nice. I never really made that connection before.

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She got that Owen Wilson nose.

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Colin:

This always happens in movies and it’s another thing I’m nervous about. It’s quiet as fuck, and she’s panting. How about shutting the fuck up?

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Is that the wall they went through to get to Diagon Alley?

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Get some, Trinity.

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Is it hard to run in latex?

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What is your earpiece connected to?

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Colin:

Of course he doesn’t shoot or anything. She just runs like a psycho for nothing.

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Before she does this, all I’m gonna say is — what if that’s a closet?

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Oh… kay.

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That seemed coincidentally fortunate.

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Colin:

don’t make an abortion joke don’t make an abortion joke don’t make an abortion joke

Welcome to my inner monologue at least four hours a day.

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Colin:

I never got how she got through the window but left two arms of the window frame intact.

Thin privilege.

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Nice use of the rack focus.

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Does nobody live in this neighborhood?

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Just like Bella Swan.

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“Get up, Trinity.”

Colin:

Hah, she’s talking to herself. I never do that.

For some reason, I always loved that. It felt like a good character moment.

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“Get up.”

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The problem with this is — no one else is around. So really, you just put a cop on every corner and you’re bound to see her.

Or, and I don’t know, maybe this is crazy — SHUT DOWN ALL THE PHONES?

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Love the old school phone booth.

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Doo doo cloud.

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Colin:

I don’t think most garbage trucks can do a 100+ degree handbrake turn like that. I also don’t see a lot of garbage trucks with hoods.

You also don’t see many in the hood, either.

Colin:

Ever notice how most garbage trucks have flat faces without long hoods? I feel like this was a conscious choice on their part in making this movie, cause a vehicle needs a nose to be menacing. People don’t need noses to be menacing. Voldemort. Krillin. Mostly Voldemort.

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This Editing is incredible.

We know exactly the situation in four shots.

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This is like that time when Benny pickled the Beast.

Only, you know, with less stakes.

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Weird that they knew exactly which phone to call and what the number is.

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HOW DO YOU LOSE, TRUCK?!

Colin:

Another spatial thing. There’s about 20 feet to the booth, and the truck should beat her to it. And come on, a garbage truck spinning its wheels? This is cartoonish.

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Just like Titanic.

Though, to be fair, I did always like that shot. Even though it is funny like, “Oh yes, my hand will stop me from this truck about to crash into me at 40 miles an hour.”

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And that’s the end of the movie!

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Does that say, “Damnit?”

Or “Paint”?

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I really like this shot for some reason.

Colin:

More shots of shoes getting out of cars.

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Seriously, does NOBODY live in this neighborhood?

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“She got out.”

Colin:

She got out? Aww…I kinda wanted her to be the one that died in the phone booth.

We all have one of those exes.

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“Does it matter?”

“The informant is real.”

“Yes.”

“We have the name of their next target.”

“The name is Neo.”

Colin:

These guys do speak in a strange way, though. Smith is obviously different, because he doesn’t really operate in the same way they do. The other two are too monotone.

It’s actually pretty great how grounded this movie starts out. With flashes of the extra stuff.

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Naturally, find him. They’re gonna get a search running.

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Colin:

Back into the shitty phone we go.

Subtitle.

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Didn’t we go into a 0?

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Oh, I get it. A search running.

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Transitions are fun.

Unless you have DID, of course.

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Why was Morpheus at Heathrow?

He doesn’t need to take planes.

Also, Heathrow? I thought the Matrix was just one giant Mega City. Why does London exist too?

Plus, knowing how Morpheus usually “eludes” police, how much are they leaving out of that headline?

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Wait, they have pictures of him?

I like how he’s darker than the image.

I know someone who’s like that.

Colin:

That’s what he does? He doesn’t read Arabic. He doesn’t read Chinese.

It’s always cool seeing what people’s computers look like in movies. They’re always running shit in the background, and you’re like, “The fuck is that program?” Or like in Iron Man when she’s copying the files while talking to Jeff Bridges, and you’re like, what operating system is THAT? Or like in EVERY movie ever when someone plugs in a USB drive and thousands of individual windows and schematics open one after another, and the protagonist (or Simon Pegg-ish tech genius character, more often) manages to pick out the ONE that we need to see instantaneously?

The other thing that always throws me off is when shit’s going on on the screen and it doesn’t match what the character is doing. Remember in Skyfall when Q is laying breadcrumbs for Silva, and there are all these little points turning up on the map heading north to Scotland? He’s typing the entire time. There’s no selecting of points on the map or anything like that. Like he’s typing in the actual coordinates or something? I don’t believe you’re doing that without a mouse.

Always have a Mouse.

Colin:

Or that if you’re really that good, you couldn’t do it via voice command. So now we have Neo’s computer just loading these random newspapers one after the other as a screensaver? It loads a front page, scrolls part of the way down it and then stops and loads another one? Is that a thing?

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Always loved this shot.

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Again with the 69. Is it just me?

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Colin:

Ahh, yes. 90s techno.

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Product whaaaaaat?

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If there’s one thing that can date your movie, it’s technology.

Colin:

Brilliant hacker and he still has some shitty computer with a fat monitor. I love that this wasn’t THAT long ago and the laptop I’m using right now to type this blows his computer out of the fucking water.

What was his hard drive capability in 1999? 8 gigs? Maybe?

Shit, I have movies that are bigger than 8 gigs now.

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Uh oh. Computer’s got The Monster.

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I like to imagine this is how Keanu is woken up in real life.

Colin:

You sleepy fuck.

Other subtitle.

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I hate people who use ellipses when they send you messages.

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… path of the righteous man…

— Samuel L. Hackson

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“What?”

Yeah, pretty much the only first line you could give him.

Colin:

How does this work? Cause she hacks into his computer, but he wakes up at that exact moment. So does that mean that they’re also hacking into his brain and waking him up through the Matrix or some shit? He doesn’t just wake up because the message pops up. I was always fuzzy on this. Can they just fuck with random people in the Matrix and make them wake up or fall asleep at random times? Cause if so, that’s fucked up.

First off… wouldn’t it have been hilarious if he just didn’t wake up? And the computer was like, “Neo… Neo… Neo… NEO! Wake up, Neo. Wake up. Wake the fuck up. GODDAMNIT, NEO!”?

And, isn’t it that he wakes up because he senses the computer not doing what it should be? I thought it was one of those things where he’s sort of sleeping, but not really. And he senses the monitor went out and that gets him up. Or so my powers of rationalization tell me. I don’t think they’re doing anything to him.

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… by the balls.

… penciled in for 11:30.

… down for the full Brazilian. Is that correct?

… now.

Colin:

I hate it when people overuse ellipsis points…

RIGHT?!

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Every Keanu expression ever.

“What the hell?”

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Nuh uh, bitch. You can’t CTRL-X out of this. This shit is real life.

Colin:

Is that the mark of a brilliant hacker? THAT’S what The One decides to try when his computer is going all weird? “Cntrl+Alt+Delete?” Then the Escape key? Seriously?

Pull the plug. That’s the only way.

Unless you have lots of guns.

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… the Yellow Brick Road?

… me, everything is all right?

Wouldn’t that be great if they hacked his computer just to put up Uncle Kracker lyrics?

Colin:

This person sure types slowly for a hacker. Isn’t it funny how in movies, some people (i.e. Natalya in GoldenEye) type at an unreasonable rate that makes it obvious that they just programmed the computer to display the text rather than making the person type it themselves? And then here, where we have someone who’s supposed to be a master hacker, and they type really slowly, which could be for effect.

Maybe she’s typing through a rotary phone.

Or more than likely, they’re timing the text to coincide with the knock.

Also, who’s to say for sure this is actually Trinity? This could be Dozer, for all we know. Neo could be getting Catfish’d right now.

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Follow the rich white man. I already knew that.

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White rice?

Are you gonna E.T. him out the door with a path of white rice?

Reminds me of that Steven Wright joke. He had to go to jury duty. Weird case. Ten thousand ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. “I don’t think they did it.”

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Oh, maybe not.

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Oh please, asshole. You know what that’s a reference to.

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But that’s cool. Let’s follow the white rabbit.

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Colin:

Now they know when the dude’s gonna knock, which makes sense, cause they just have to read the code. But how do they know where he’s going or that he’s gonna be invited to go anywhere? These are also random people that Neo KNOWS, so it’s not like they’re affiliated. How does Trinity know that these people are off to some club after the transaction and that Neo will be invited if she’s not running these people? These are questions where, if you stop and think for a second, shit doesn’t make sense. The Matrix is a lot like the Force in that you can explain a lot of illogical shit by leaving their powers generally undefined. But then that leaves you open for all these other times where, assuming they have the powers they APPEARED to, you end up wondering why they didn’t do x, y, or z in a given situation.

Well, to think this through… if they’ve been watching Neo for a while, they know he’s doing some hacker shit for these guys. So really, all they need to do is know these guys’ habits, and they know they’re going to the club, and then bam, there’s your meeting point. All you gotta do is string him along enough to get him to go there. The only thing that doesn’t get covered is knowing they’re going to invite him. That’s the only thing that couldn’t be explained by due diligence.

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“Who is it?”

Hopefully it’s Tom Hanks about to tell a joke in a terrible Boston accent.

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“Yeah.”

SUPER gay, Keanu.

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Colin:

He lives in apartment 101. Hah. Schmuck.

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Colin:

That’s how I like to wait at doors. With my fucking face right in front of it for the 20 odd seconds the person keeps me waiting.

You’re two hours late.”

“I know. It’s her fault.”

Colin:

Two hours late? You were asleep, you shit. It doesn’t matter. You’re home, it’s the middle of the night…who cares? They’re customers buying your illegal shit. Just go with it.

And why is it her fault? Is sex what’s implied? Or is it because she had to get ready?

Also, yeah, so what? All you need to do is open a door and you get money.

Next movie, you open a door and you get told bad shit is going to happen and you got played.

“You got the money?”

Nah, I just came to get that soufflé recipe.

Amazing how little they’re trying with this dialogue. I also like how he tells him how much he’s giving him as he gives it to him.

Colin:

“You got the money?” “No, I’m here to say hi.” Why do people ask if someone has the money? Just ask for it.

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Colin:

Nice place, dick. 

This is a pretty shitty place to live in for people. I’m not really sure how this is the preferable, safe reality to the one he goes to later on.

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Apparently this book is about the theory that “our current society has replaced all reality and meaning with symbols and signs, and that human experience is of a simulation of reality.”

But who gives a fuck, money.

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Colin:

More hollow books.

A HA HA. Nihilism. I made that joke 7 minutes too soon.

Also, if he’s getting this kind of cash on the side, why the hell does he need to be working for a software company during the day?

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Colin:

Is that a floppy disc? Remember when that was a thing? Fucking Office Space? The virus on the floppy? This is why it cracks me up that they’re these badasses in this movie. I’ll get back to that when we meet Trinity. 

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So many questions right now about these people.

“Halleuljah. You’re my savior, man.”

Let’s not pretend like they weren’t setting up for it all along.

“My own personal Jesus Christ.”

And in case it wasn’t subtle enough for you.

Colin:

I always liked this line. “You’re my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.” Because it cheapens Christ. But also, “Ohhh, he’s like, The One.” 

Everybody Hates Christ.

Colin:

It’s so great that he has random henchmen behind him wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night. I want a person behind me at all times in case I have something to hand someone.

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“You get caught using that—”

“Yeah, I know, this never happened, you don’t exist.”

I put that clause in all my one night stands.

Colin:

That’s what I tell myself after a night alone.

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“Something wrong, man? You look a little whiter than usual.”

I need to start saying this to white people more.

Colin:

He looks a little whiter than usual? He should. He’s $2,000 whiter than usual.

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I’m gonna let this reaction stand on its own.

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“You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?”

“All the time. It’s called mescaline. It’s the only way to fly.”

Michael Jordan begs to differ.

space-jam-25

Colin:

I remember as a kid, this line confused me. I didn’t know what mescaline was, but I assumed from context that it was like, nirvana or enlightenment or whatever. And so I always used to think, “I wonder what you need to experience this ‘mescaline.’” About $25, it turns out.

That statement is funnier knowing where you grew up.

To put this in perspective, he grew up in a place where, not long ago, a dude stole a pizza delivery car, and was so high, he CONTINUED TO MAKE DELIVERIES.

Colin:

Pretty sure it was Chinese food. Pretty sure that makes it even funnier. That was a great headline.

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And he tells him he just needs to unplug. Get some R and R. He also asks his chick (whose name I believe is “Du Jour,” which is fucking hilarious. That’s the French equivalent of calling her Tuesday) if they should take him with them.

The way these people look, I don’t want to go anywhere they’re going.

Because it’s probably the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Colin:

She takes way too long in answering the question as she looks him up and down. Maybe it’s the dumb look on her face, but I always want to interrupt her thought process and be like, “A ‘yes’ or a ‘no,’ you moron.”

Oh, but he’s white. He has work tomorrow. She promises him it’ll be fun.

Colin:

What in the fuck is on that chick’s face? Is this some Xerxes shit? 

What is wrong with your FACE?!

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Colin:

Keanu will always have this look up his sleeve, won’t he? They can take everything from him, but he’ll always have this.

Paris.

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Colin:

She sure picked exactly the time to turn around in a weird way and reveal that he’s supposed to follow her. I would have applauded if they’d shown up and it was him, the girl, a henchman and a fourth person in a huge, white bunny suit.

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(Lack of) reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“Yeah. Sure. I’ll go.”

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Cut to Rob Zombie’s “Dragula.”

Imagine how many cuts could be made so much funnier by doing this exact same thing. We don’t even have to start with The Miracle Worker.

Colin:

This club always reminds me of Twisted Metal cause of Rob Zombie. He did songs for that franchise and then was even a character in one of them. Was it 4? I think it was.

That’s exactly what this song reminds me of too. And yes, he’s a character in 4. An awful game, but fun as shit. That’s the one where Sweet Tooth takes over the competition and Calypso is now a contender, trying to take it back. And the final level is at Sweet Tooth’s carnival, and he’s the boss fight at the end. And dude is fucking impossible to beat unless you know certain cheat codes. Like teleport and freeze missile. Shiho and I played through that game during spring break my senior year (when I showed up a week early to write my entire thesis over four days, and then spent the next ten days playing PS2 with Shiho). I think we played through all of them. (That’s where I got the nickname Screenwalker.) And then we started fighting Sweet Tooth and that motherfucker kept destroying us. And we went for an hour and couldn’t beat him. And then finally we discovered that by hitting left-right-up-up you get freeze missiles and up-up-left you can teleport (70% chance I got those combos right, five years later), and we realized we could have used those things the entire time.

Colin:

I remember being pissed off about how buggy it was at some point. Like, you could get blown up and smashed into a corner and then be stuck in the wall. That used to happen a lot before I was at all decent at the game.

Not to go off on too much of a tangent, but Twisted Metal was my absolute shit growing up. Twisted Metal Black was the reason I even bought a Playstation 2. (It was going to happen, but that game was the reason I bought it when I did.) Twisted Metal 2 was the best one. And of course the first one has its merits. 3 got too crazy and 4 is awful but fun.

Colin:

I liked 2. Clearly the best. Although I used to do the Create Car in 4 a lot. I always made the Medium Car 2, which was a Lamborghini Diablo, with the Detnoball weapon and the catchphrase, “It’s on, baby!”

The best sound effect was the one that just said, “Ha ha ha, you suck!”

I’m still waiting for them to turn it into a movie. One of the Crank guys was working on it. Apparently they have a script. I hope it can be halfway decent. The only way they can really do it successfully is if they do the Clue thing and make multiple endings for all the characters. I’d actually go pay to see it multiple times if that was the case.

But anyway — Dragula.

(I’d also like to point out — Rob Zombie has directed like six movies. He’s actually a director now.)

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Yeah, this place… Pretty sure this is one place I’d never be.

Colin:

Who goes to clubs like these? Not fucking me, that’s who.

I’d actually be more comfortable in a crack house than I would here.

Colin:

There are random people in cages. Why is this a place?

I’m gonna bring it up now, even though it was one of those things I noticed very suddenly when watching, and came as a bit of a revelation to me. In the third movie, when they go to the Merovingian’s club to barter for Neo, that club is essentially what they were going for with this club, but with the budget to actually do it. I was watching and went, “Whoa… this is what they were going for the first time, except they had the money to open it up and make it not look like it was shot in a closet. I’m guessing this surprise is because I barely ever go back and watch Revolutions, so any time I notice something, it’s surprising.

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Colin:

What’s everyone doing? The dude and his dumbass girlfriend (she looks like a worthless artist, doesn’t she?) are just sitting on a couch by the wall.

She’s wearing a fucking slinky around her neck.

Colin:

Other people are standing around not really dancing, but also totally not talking. And it’s got random partitions and walls and shit, so you have to walk through to go anywhere. Which is why Neo looks so pathetic just standing in a doorway as the music blasts and everyone has a seemingly good time doing what can’t be described as anything.

Their idea of interior decorating is ball bearings.

You know, there was a house on campus that looked like this.

We didn’t hang out there much.

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What kind of club has a fucking 13 inch TV up in the corner?

Colin:

There’s a TV in the corner just playing static or something. I’ll never understand…goths.

You said that like, “I can’t look at you while you’re wearing those… underwears.”

Colin:

That’s exactly how I said it. Welcome back to these articles, ladies and gentlemen. References you probably don’t know.

I think it’s playing water. It should be playing the iTunes visualizer. That thing is amazing.

Imagine that shit, plus mescaline?

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This is what happens when you get “The Shine” right?

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What, NOW you take off the latex? HERE?!

Colin:

I’m guessing it’s conscious that her frontal shots don’t show you the top of her dress. She’s not exactly stunning, is she? Not bad, but just a bit…atypical.

That’s his way of saying “Canadian.”

“Hello, Neo.”

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What, Neo? I don’t know no Nato.

That’s like when someone at work is like, “I found your blog.”

“How do you know that name?”

See?

“I know a lot about you.”

“Who are you?”

This dialogue is riveting. And now just the rivets on that dude’s nipples in the background.

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“My name is Trinity.”

“Trinity – the Trinity, that cracked the IRS d-base?”

Sure. Just say that openly in a club. Like of all places, there wouldn’t be government officials here.

Colin:

On the one hand, we always love it when there’s a random incident that people in a given universe know about and reference. “Des Moines? That was YOU? No shit!” But on the other hand, it’s always better when the THING is referenced, not the name. Cause in this case, he puts that together really quickly, and it just happens to be right.

Also, why did he say d-base like such a d-bag?

That’s not a hacker phrase. That’s an asshole phrase.

“That was a long time ago.”

Presumably when she was still “plugged in,” I guess? So the idea is that they were essentially the same? Hackers who Morpheus thought, “Hey, maybe they’re The One.” Or maybe he was like, “I think I need myself a white bitch.”

Colin:

The other thing here is that she’s made to look like a fucking badass for having cracked the IRS. Wowzers. That was a long time ago already in 1999, meaning that it was a loooong ass time ago. Hackers, like germs, respond to the resistance against them – I can’t imagine that hacking the IRS in like 1995 was SHIT compared to even simple stuff today, even given hardware considerations.

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“Jesus.”

“What?”

“I just thought – you were a guy.”

“Most guys do.”

Colin:

Why would you think someone named Trinity was a guy?

And why would most guys?

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“That was you on my computer.”

I bet if you tried to guess the tone he uses to say this from the screenshot and used the audio to guess his facial expression as he says it, you would not come up with this exact match.

“How did you do that?”

Motherfucker, she hacked the IRS d-base.

Colin:

That shit was probably easy as hell, cause it looks like you know next to nothing.

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See? “Come on, buddy.”

“Right now, all I can tell you is that you’re in danger. I brought you here to warn you.”

“Of what?”

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“They’re watching you, Neo.”

They’re watching you masturbate.

We all are.

*makes slow and deliberate jerk off motion with hand without breaking eye contact*

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“Who is?”

“Please just listen.”

Colin:

We all love the trope of the random schlub whose life is turned upside down by the pretty girl who shows up, appears daunting at first but then tells him he has special powers and that only he can save the day. Wanted, anyone? 

I like how you reference a movie that came ten years after this one as an example of a trope used in this one. If anything, Obi-Wan and Luke is the same thing.

Colin:

I would totally go for Alec Guinness as Trinity. Same wardrobe.

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“I know why you’re here, Neo. I know what you’ve been doing.”

If someone said that shit and started walking right up to me I’d punch them in the face and break out.

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“I know why you hardly sleep.”

Colin:

Umm. Okay. The reason he’s here is cause you creeped on his computer and told him to come. I call BS on the hardly sleeping thing, cause that’s the first thing we see him doing, and he’s supposed to be waiting for a client who’s going to shell out $2,000.

He hardly sleeps probably because of those clients. Every time a client shows up, they wake him up and make him come out to a weird bondage club. That’s exactly why he doesn’t sleep.

“Why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit your computer.”

Colin:

And the reason he lives alone is cause he has the cash to do so, is engaged in illegal activity that you might want to hide from others and also because he’s a grubby piece of shit.

Gotta live alone. How else are you gonna have the time to help your landlady carry out her garbage?

Colin:

The reason he sits at his computer night after night is the same reason we all do that. Porn.

Yeah.

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“You’re looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn’t really looking for him, I was looking for an answer.”

So she looked for someone for a long as time, and then he finds her, which is weird. And then he goes, “You’re not looking for me, you’re looking for something else.

Is this her father?

Is there some weird daddy issues shit going on?

Are they siblings?

Is this Star Wars?

Was that “You’re not looking for me” a Jedi Mind Trick?

I’ve completely changed the trajectory of this story.

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“It’s the question that drives us, Neo. It’s the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.”

How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Where do homeless people get all those giant plastic bags they store their cans in?

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen sparrow?

Do you wanna bang?

These are questions.

They drive me.

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“What is the Matrix?”

Colin:

Where the fuck does he get this question? Why does he know that The Matrix is even a thing that signifies something? This is all shit that they don’t go into.

Not once have we seen him obsessed with anything about the Matrix before. He’s been looking into Morpheus. How does he know she’s talking about the same thing.

What if she went, “What? I was asking if you wanted to dance. Weirdo.”

“The answer is out there, Neo.”

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“It’s looking for you. And it will find you.”

That sounds like a threat.

“If you want it to.”

A sexually suggestive threat.

Colin:

Uhh, or you could just hook him up with it now.

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Just looking at this shot, I can hear the exact transition they made from the beat of the song to the ringing of the alarm clock.

Also… is everything he owns Panasonic?

And another thing — that alarm sounds like it’s been going off for a while. I’m a pretty heavy sleeper. I’ve slept through fire alarms before. Not once have I slept through an alarm. Especially one as annoying as that. Hell, my alarm is currently Ice Cube’s “You Know How We Do It.” Never once slept through it. When was this set for? Not only that — you didn’t even drink. You went out to a club, stood there, and then came home. How the fuck can you oversleep? Especially if you “hardly’ sleep. If you’re barely ever sleeping in the first place you shouldn’t have problems waking up. YOU WOKE UP WHEN YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN WENT BLANK! This is a giant buzzing that’s going off every second for an hour!

Or how about just don’t go to work. “Oh man, I’m sick today.” Done. Then your boss doesn’t say shit to you, and you don’t get arrested and have a rape squid put into your belly button. Is this a recurring thing with him? Not going and showing up late? Because they don’t tell us that. This whole thing makes no sense.

Keep in mind, we’re in a world where people get sucked up through phones. And this is the thing I have the biggest problem with.

Also, notice the bits of red here. They’re working it in more.

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Colin:

The way that this is cut makes it seem like he was drugged or that the Matrix was manipulated to get him back home or that he was dreaming the whole time or some shit. Which…none of that is the case, right? It’s just a clever cut?

Not gonna get going again.

Though I will say — and Colin can attest — if I wake up 20 minutes after a class starts, guess what’s going to happen?

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Colin:

Establishing shot of a monolithic building. Never seen that one before.

You guys remember Dr. Cortex, from Crash Bandicoot? That was a fun game. I remember crushing boxes and collecting apples, and not exploding dynamite, and a giant tribal mask that shouts “OOODA BOOGA!” every time it appears.

Colin:

I played the shit out of that. It felt sort of rebellious, cause that was when PlayStation was brand new and vying for supremacy with N64. So you played both, obviously, but there was something strange about playing MarioKart and Crash Team Racing back to back. CTR was more violent and darker. 

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Colin:

Offices used to have the worst style. He’s how many floors up? Why would you have a picture of the skyline on the wall when you have the ACTUAL skyline out the window? Probably commentary on something.

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This always felt like a great way to express monotony in a single image. Plus it also sets up for later on, which is a real nice touch.

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You’re doing a shitty cleaning job.

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This guy looks like Michael Sheen and Hugo Weaving had a baby and then gave it too much alcohol.

That’s not helping the whole potential “It was all a dream” angle.

Because I’m pretty sure the Scarecrow was also the farmhand who inappropriately touched her.

“You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson.”

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By the way, I am going to feature every “reaction” shot of Keanu Reeves in this movie, in case you haven’t figured that out by now.

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“You believe that you are special. That somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken.”

Obviously.

Colin:

What boss talks like this?

Right, though?

It’s not that he told him, “You think you’re special and don’t have to come to work like the rest of us,” but that he went the extra step and was like, “Obviously that’s bullshit.”

And ready for this? This is where I play my trump card and you all have to go, “Yeah, he’s right.”

Tell me honestly — if this movie was made in 2014 (or 2008… Wanted…), tell me there wouldn’t be a moment where, later on, after he became The One, he did some kind of fly by the office or some such shit just to show up his boss who told him he’d never amount to anything.

Just in case you still want to argue that big budget movies even try anymore.

Colin:

Yeah, he’s right.

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Keanu Reeves is a walking Kuleshov Effect.

“This company is one of the top software companies in the world. Because every employee understands that they are part of a whole.”

Colin:

Tell me, what did that line accomplish? That just seems superfluous to the point of being unnatural.

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I’d knock him for this, but I’d be doing the exact same thing.

“Thus if an employee has a problem, the company has a problem.”

So if Marv in accounting has a drug problem…

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“The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Anderson.”

Joseph Conrad just laughed his dick off.

“Either you choose to be at your desk, on time, from this day forward, or you choose to find yourself another job.”

I really want to know if this is a one-off or a regular occurrence. Because if you were late once and got this speech — what the fuck kind of company is this?

Metacortex, apparently.

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Every scene should end with his reaction.

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That cubicle is bigger than my apartment.

Colin:

I like the phone books. CITY PHONE. It’s cool that they never show what city this is. You don’t need to know. It shouldn’t matter. But it’s New York.

It always struck me more as Chicago.

Also, when doing these shots, I almost wrote something about the phone books and ended up not, since I figured it was their way of making the city generic enough to seem like everywhere, but also be something that would exist within the Matrix.

Though I do think I said something about it later, in the Oracle’s apartment.

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Love how menacing something like that is. It’s so simple.

“Thomas Anderson?”

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“Yeah, that’s me.”

A HA HA. That shot is hilarious. I imagine Keanu does this in everyday life too.

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Morpheus has a Fed Ex account.

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“Have a nice day.”

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This is the correct reaction.

Colin:

Why did he linger on the FedEx guy? What did that ‘have a nice day’ mean? Is there something between them? I NEVER UNDERSTAND SUBTEXT

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Colin:

That phone. 

That phone is so awesome. Because of this phone, I made sure when I got the chance, I got a slide phone. Of course, this was before I found out the ones they used in this movie were fake, and three years after it was cool to have one, but goddamnit, I got my phone.

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This should happen in every day life. We should do this to people. Email phones and then have them ring the moment they get opened.

Or, hell… this could be a modern day Kafka. Send someone a phone in an envelope and tell them nothing else. And every day, at work, they stare at the phone, waiting for it to ring. And it becomes their obsession. And when it finally rings, they answer it, and get the, “The number you have dialed is no longer in service” message.

Colin:

If ever there’s a grant for people who just want to fuck with other people on a new level, I think we know who’s getting tapped for that task.

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Colin:

I love how the talking piece extends like a fucking shiv. You could do some damage with that.

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“Hello?”

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“Hello, Neo.”

“Hello, Laurence Fishburne.”

“Do you know who this is?”

“Morpheus?”

Colin:

How does he know who Morpheus is? Randomly he knows this and he knows that the question is, “What is the Matrix.” Even if he were to have figured these things out through exhaustive online searching (through all 700 websites that existed in 1999), how did he know what to search for in the first place?

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“Yes.”

Jesus, he said that the way Palpatine said “Dark Side.”

“I’ve been looking for you, Neo.”

Wow, so him and the answer have been looking. That Neo’s a popular man.

“I don’t know if you’re ready to see what I want you to show you.”

*zip*

“But unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They’re coming for you, Neo, and I don’t know what they’re going to do.”

Colin:

This is another one of those phone conversations where people just talk about shit and sound mysterious and you go with it.

“Who’s coming for me?”

Ze Germans, of course.

“Stand up and see for yourself.”

“What, now?”

Do you get in trouble for standing at this place? Who gives a fuck when you stand up?

“Yes (motherfucker), now.”

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Office Space

Right, though?

Colin:

Holy shit.

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You turncoat bitch.

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This face.

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“Shit!”

“Yes.”

I’m sorry, that one sounded like Palpatine.

Colin:

Best delivery.

“What the hell do they want from me?”

Said the computer hacker.

“I don’t know, but if you don’t want to find out, I suggest you get out of there.”

“How?”

“I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say.”

If Laurence Fishburne came into my office and told me I had to get out right now, I’d be like, “You realize this is the type of shit that made your daughter turn out the way she did, right?”

Colin:

Ouch. Oh, that stings.

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Colin:

These agents walking through the cubicles are doing The West Wing before The West Wing did The West Wing.

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“The cubicle across from you is empty.”

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That’s awesome. The cops just knew to listen.

Colin:

It’s always awesome when the boss just points in a direction and subordinates peel off behind him. It feels very Sith-like.

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“Go. Now.”

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This sequence always was very thrilling.

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Weird how they never think to look anywhere else, since he was just looking up from that cubicle a second ago.

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“Stay here for just a moment.”

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Colin:

Doo doo.

Do they not hear him speaking through the phone? It’s not exactly a trading floor.

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“When I tell you, go to the end of the row, to the office at the end of the hall. Stay as low as you can.”

Colin:

What does that mean? Aren’t there two rows? Doesn’t this place have multiple corners?

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How do you not notice that?

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Colin:

I think this resonated with me because I spent a lot of the 90s doing exactly this. My parents were both in offices like this — my mom was in telecom and my dad was in insurance. And so any time I couldn’t be at home alone cause I was like 6, I’d be in the office with them, tearing around and doing shit like this.

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Colin:

The guy at the copy machine should probably…say something.

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I’d want my desk to be here. This is my shit. I don’t know why, but I like small, tight spaces. Maybe it’s a vagina thing. I’m always the person who’ll sit in the corner. I’ve never liked big, open spaces. Because what do you do? I like smaller spaces. Maybe it’s laziness.

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Colin:

Hah! Which producer’s kid is that?

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“Good. Now, outside, there is a scaffold.”

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There’s the scaffold.

“How do you know all this?”

“We don’t have time, Neo. To your left, there’s a window. Go to it.”

So this is the boss’s office, right?

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“Open it.”

What if he just made him jump right now? And that was it. Some conviction shit.

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“Use the scaffold to get to the roof.”

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“No way. No way! This is crazy.”

He’s right. He just met you. And this is crazy.

“There are two ways out of this building. One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody.”

Ironically, also on that scaffold. Would be a funny reveal. Followed by a nondiegetic sad trombone.

“It is a choice I leave to you.”

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CLICK! That’s how you do it. Leave someone an ultimatum and hang the fuck up.

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Colin:

They really liked the washed-out color thing in the late 90s, huh? Thanks for that, Saving Private Ryan. Also, your tie is ugly as hell.

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Body acting.

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“This is insane. What’d I do?”

YOU’RE A COMPUTER HACKER!

“I’m a nobody.”

A nobody who COMMITS CRIMES.

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“I’m gonna die.”

That’s at least the third one so far. They really set the stage for this.

Colin:

Pussy. There are also other windows. Why is there randomly a window in this office building like 40 floors up that just fucking OPENS? I’ve never seen that before. If one opens, why aren’t there others? Not that there should be even one.

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That’s not so bad.

Colin:

Well that’s not so high up. I’m imagining Paul Newman saying, “The fall’ll prob’ly kill you!” Like that was the upside.

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Why are you bringing the phone with you?

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Colin:

This is actually supposed to by Sydney, no? I think they shot most of the Mega City scenes in Sydney.

I don’t think there’s a supposed to be involved. But they did shoot in Sydney. Village Roadshow is an Australian company.

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What are you hesitating for? If this dude told you exactly when to walk DIRECTLY BEHIND PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR YOU to not get caught, I’m pretty sure you can feel moderately safe doing this.

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That’s how Hans Gruber fell too.

Colin:

You JUST got that. Enjoy two more years of Sprint contract with NO PHONE.

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You’re half way around already. Just go.

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You bitch.

Colin:

And that’s that. Is it not strange that Morpheus was able to guide him all with pre-instructions in installments and didn’t have to be like, “Oh, this agent changed direction, stop for a second,” or anything like that? How does he know where everyone’s going to be looking like 15-20 seconds ahead?

Really makes you sad for what Morpheus becomes in the later movies.

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Colin:

I wish we knew how he got caught. I’d love to see that. Was he just trembling in the office until they came and got him? Did they read him his rights? Did they feel up his thigh?

I always wondered that too. How did the rest of that go?

Also, what would have happened if he got on the scaffold?

Colin:

Butt stuff.

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Colin:

I like mirror shots.

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Colin:

That’s not suspicious. Random chick on a bike just sitting in front of a major arrest and then she pulls away fast enough to make tire noise.

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Foreshadowing!

Colin:

Love the multiple monitor thing. Very 60s.

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Colin:

See that? He ate ALL the doughnuts.

Who hasn’t?

Colin:

Anyone who got that last reference is reveling in what an amazingly awesome coincidence that is, with his last name.

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Keanu question: deep in thought, or nothing going on up there?

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That’s a pro move. Sit down, don’t say shit and let the tension hang in the room.

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“As you can see, we’ve had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson.”

I’d call bullshit. Immediately. I’d make them show it to me.

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“It seems as though you’ve been living two lives.”

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“In one life, you’re Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a Social Security number, you pay your taxes, and you help your landlady carry out her garbage.”

Colin:

Thomas Anderson sounds like a boring guy. But I like it when Hugo Weaving says ‘garbage.’

What’s his middle name?

Alva?

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That little facial twitch is incredible.

Colin:

I hope he’s getting some from the landlady. I bet she’s hot. Landladies are usually young and hot, right?

Not anymore… Birds.

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So it’s just a picture of his apartment?

Also, his passport just says Capital City, USA. No state. Not even MegaCity.

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“The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias Neo, and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for.”

Colin:

What are some of these computer crimes? Pornography? I bet it’s mostly pornography.

Well, in that case, I guess you can say his disk… wasn’t floppy.

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“One of these lives has a future. One of them does not.”

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“I’m going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Anderson.”

I like the self-righteousness with which he says that. “I’m going to be as forthcoming as I can,” as if he’s really doing something noble.

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“We’re here because we need your help.”

The Matrix - 411

Colin:

*Dramatic line* *Takes off sunglasses*

“We know that you’ve been contacted by a certain individual – a man who calls himself Morpheus.”

Colin:

He was contacted by Morpheus as they were getting there to pick him up. How did they know that he was the next target? Did Trinity leave his OkCupid page open on that computer she was looking at in the opening scene? No, I bet he’s actually more of an Adult FriendFinder guy. Either way, they knew after they trashed her phone booth, so I’m assuming that’s it.

They mentioned the informant in that conversation. That’s how they knew. The whole Trinity thing was them discovering the informant was legit.

“Whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive.”

Colin:

Can we stop for a second so I can tell you how much I love listening to Hugo Weaving talk? I want him to do audiobooks. Like, anything.

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“My colleagues believe that I’m wasting my time with you, but I believe you wish to do the right thing.”

Colin:

The ‘colleagues’ are just there for whatever. I like that they’re machines, but they still have their own motivations and stuff. One of the things that made this series so good was that they really nailed the balance of ‘machine-like’ and ‘artificially intelligent.’ They’re individuals, but they’re also still machines. I love that, and it takes us back to the whole Tron: Legacy and Wreck-it Ralph thing about how movie digital worlds are always a bit organic.

Aren’t they programs, not machines? The same logic still applies, but I think the idea is that the Matrix is the machine, and they’re supposed to be the programs keeping the order. And Hugo Weaving is the Hans Landa of the group.

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“We’re willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start.”

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Colin:

That’s a good image, too. Wiping the slate clean. This is always the image in my mind when I hear “clean slate” or “wipe the slate clean.” And that’s how you know you’ve made a good visual association in your film. He actually wipes the folder of shit to the side. It’s also entirely possible that I’ve just watched this movie 329 times.

I always saw that as an underhanded dick move. Like, “Yeah, we’ll wipe this shit clean,” but all he’s doing is pushing it to the side. I’d be sitting there, motioning for him to keep pushing it off the table and into the trash.

Also, isn’t it weird that these people are inside a computer yet have computers? I mean, I guess their consciousness is in the computer, but still. That’s the kind of shit where, if you’re really high, you’ll be like:

“All that we’re asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.”

Also, wouldn’t that be the best Keanu Reeves autobiography title?

Whoa Is Me.

Colin:

Please, put Hugo Weaving in everything.

Except Liv Tyler, because then… euchh.

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“Well, that sounds like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one.”

These facial expressions are making this so much better than I thought possible.

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“How about, I give you the finger –”

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There it is.

The Matrix - 420

“And you give me my phone call.”

Colin:

More deals should involve giving someone the finger. “Today only, jeans are 40% off, and you can give your cashier the finger!” I would totally buy those jeans.

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“Oh, Mr. Anderson…”

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“You disappoint me.”

Colin:

This is that moment where the asshole thinks he’s a badass, and they people he’s up against are like, “Haha. You think we’re playing badminton. I’m gonna shoot you in the leg now.” Neo, you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

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“You can’t scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call.”

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“Tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call if you’re unable to speak?”

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Colin:

BEST LOOK EVER. He has sunglasses on, and it’s still perfect. “Oh, is this not what you had in mind? Heh.” That smirk. Hugo Weaving does a great smirk.

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Colin:

Is this a special room where they have power? Cause otherwise, wouldn’t they do this all the time?

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I like how that one agent goes to pick up the chair.

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Colin:

And then it keeps going! They just keep cutting back to him smirking! This is fucking BRILLIANT! “He thought he was dealing with the feds. Ahaha.”

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A bunch of fraternities just went, “Jackpot.”

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Colin:

This got rapey really quickly.

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“You’re going to help us, Mr. Anderson.”

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Colin:

Nice cigarette case thingy full of weird shit.

“Whether you want to or not.”

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Pikachu Thunderstone

Right, though?

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Colin:

How did that little thing grow and get born out of liquid that didn’t exist a second ago? Man, the Matrix is a weird place, and apparently it doesn’t necessarily have rules.

It’s not even blurred out, either.

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This face is priceless.

Especially because you know he’s acting with Silly Putty on his mouth.

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Colin:

Ja-

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Colin:

-pan.

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That little lower stomach, high pube hair region always freaks me out when people have it.

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Colin:

RAPE YOU IN YOUR TUMMY HOLE

That would be the Japanese title, too.

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Just a dream.

Colin:

What the fuck does he think this was? “Oh, it was a dream.” So what, so you never went to work? You never got picked up? It’s still the night you went to the club and met Trinity? Or did you never do that either? Does he think this erases everything back to him sleeping in front of his computer? How’d he get into bed, wearing different clothes? None of this is explained, but he still does the, “Oh, it was all a dream I used to read Word Up magazine Salt’n’Peppa and Heavy D up in the limousine” sigh and falls back to his pillow in relief. Why are you not taking two seconds to think and freak out just a little bit?

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Or was it?

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“This line is tapped, so I must be brief. They got to you first, but they underestimated how important you are. If they knew what I know, you’d probably be dead.”

“What are you talking about? What is happening to me?”

Colin:

This is one moment where I’m questioning just how powerful the agents are. We find out later that they can change shit about the Matrix when they want to. The windows become walls, etc. And the only thing that they have to worry about is someone SEEING that they did that, in the form of deja vu. So if this line is tapped, and Morpheus just SAID that they probably should have killed him, what’s stopping them from just killing him RIGHT now? Like, alter his building to collapse on him. Alter an I-beam into his head. Some shit like that. At LEAST lock him in. Is this line really tapped? If not, it should be. If so, they have options that they’re not taking. If he’s really as dangerous as Morpheus just fucking TOLD THEM he is, the US government would be able to take him out better than the agents seem to be capable of doing. NSA track his call and then put a cruise missile through his window. These agents suck.

“You are the One, Neo.”

*Ominous Thunderclap*

“You see, you may have spent the last few years looking for me, but I’ve spent my entire life looking for you. Now do you still want to meet?”

Colin:

yes/no/maybe

“Yes.”

“Then go to the Adams Street Bridge.”

And here’s where we’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and why not just take both pills and see what happens?

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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One response

  1. BlueFox94

    “That’s the one she’s gonna shoot in the head later, too. Which is nice. I never really made that connection before.”

    Actually, that agent chasing Trinity in the opening sequence is Agent Brown. Agent Jones is the one whom she shoots in the head after the bullet time moment.

    March 1, 2015 at 9:44 pm

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