Fun with Franchises: The Matrix (1999), Part II — “I Hate That He’s Jesus”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix. And we’re up to Part II.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the second part of The Matrix.

We start Part II with one of the best shots on the movie.

I love this place. All the water, the reflections of the lights. This place shouldn’t exist.

This place doesn’t exist after this movie.

Because yeah, sure, there’s rain and wet streets on that fucking highway.

 Colin:

“Yeah, this line is tapped and they’re listening, but don’t worry about that. Just go to this deserted place that’s easy to find by yourself in the middle of the night. Hopefully they don’t shoot you with a blowgun or something.” You stupid fuck, they have enough time to dig a pit lined with punji sticks for you to fall into on the way.

Are you not aware of the car? I don’t think they said, “We’ll be coming from the north west.” This wasn’t fucking Gandalf.

How is your instinct not, “Is this a hit?” right here?

Also, that’s like, purple. There’s no legit purple in this franchise.

Colin:

Such a sweet car. Lincoln Continental. You may remember my tagline for this particular vehicle in our Goldfinger article — “The only car to be featured in both Animal House and the Kennedy assassination!” You don’t get praise much higher than that.

Seriously, door is being opened right before dude even turns around. This is never a good thing.

Colin:

We think the same way. Japan doesn’t even have guns, and I’m still ready to hit the deck when a car slows behind me. Getting shot is the worst. And your oranges go everywhere.

I hate sand.

It’s course, and…

I’m sorry, I was having a moment.

That reminds me of that time Shiho and I were walking to get food and heard a ticking from a car in the parking lot. And we both heard it, and thought to ourselves, that’s weird. And we looked at each other as if to say, “Am I crazy, or do you hear that too?” Because cars shouldn’t tick. And the second we both looked at each other, without exchanging a word, we both knew it was happening, and just took off. No questions asked. Just ran. Because that’s what you do.

Anyway, this fuck.

Keanu looks at a door.

It’s like he’s seeing everything for the first…

Oh, I get it.

“Get in.”

She says, with all of the love and affection of a mother to her unwanted child.

Who the fuck is watching you right now? Seriously. You’re supposed to look both ways when crossing the street, not when getting into a pseudo-stranger-who-hacked-your-computer’s car.

Seriously though, I want to be near that bridge when it rains.

Instant car wash.

Colin:

Well fuck you too.

Pop quiz, hot shot. Is this a man or a woman? If she hits on your right now, what do you do?

This is also where Pink got her look from.

Colin:

I don’t really understand late 90s styling, but why was it?

A brief history lesson, kids…

The Kuleshov Effect, named after Lev Kuleshov, is an editing technique developed a hundred years ago. Essentially, Kulsehov spliced together a film using the exact same shot of a man’s face, but with other things in between. So, the man was just starting blankly ahead, no expression on his face whatsoever. And Kuleshov alternated this exact same shot with other shots – of a plate of soup, a girl in a coffin, and a woman on a couch. And when people saw this, they raved. They thought he was looking at the soup as if he had forgotten about it and was wondering what he’d forgotten. They saw profound sadness in his face over the dead person, and lust when he “saw” the woman. Meanwhile the face was exactly the same either time. And so the effect is essentially – the power of editing allows us to draw conclusions about acting, even when there isn’t anything there. The dude was literally just starting forward, and because other things were cut in between that look, it made it seem as if he was reacting to those things and was actually feeling or thinking something at the time. This essentially shows you how simple and powerful acting can be and seem when you have a good editor, and how you can mistake Chance the Gardener for Laurence Olivier.

So when I say Keanu Reeves is a walking Kuleshov Effect, I rest my case.

“What the hell is this?”

I mean… come on.

“It’s necessary, Neo. For our protection.”

“From what?”

No? But, I mean, it could be, right?

Colin:

Good luck hitting him with bullets. We mostly just let him do what he wants. Your only protection from Godzilla is apathy. 

This Is Why You Can’t Blame Godzilla For All The Shit He Did

“From you.”

I’m not sure if I want to cue an ominous thunderclap or the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme.

Colin:

He’s dangerous? Pansy boy? Can’t even climb out onto a goddamn window ledge? You know that makes him less badass than Rick Moranis, right?

Who isn’t less badass than Rick Moranis? Rick Moranis is the biggest pimp that ever lived.

OMINOUS THUNDERCLAP AT THE RIGHT MOMENT

These happen to me all the time at soul signings.

Only once during sex.

“Take off your shirt.”

Look, if anyone here should take off their shirt, it’s you, AndroJysus.

Colin:

*Points gun* “Take off your shirt.” Man, if I had a nickel…

“What?”

In a way, this was the greatest performance ever given.

Colin:

He does say ‘what’ too much though. Just like Brett. And Switch, you’re pointing that thing the same way Vince was when he shot Marvin the fucking head.

Non consent. It stops cars.

Colin:

Why does the car need to stop? Why do people insist on stopping the car to have this kind of talk unless it’s the person driving and they feel like they need to concentrate? They could have kept right on driving, no problem. She’s just a bitch, and this is unnecessary.

She knows Switch is about to go full bull dyke.

“Listen to me, Coppertop…”

A HA HA HA.

This is doubly hilarious if you know what Morpheus is going to say to him in ten minutes.

“We don’t have time for twenty questions.”

How about just one? What are you?

“Right now, there’s only one rule – our way, or the highway.”

But… they’re not near a highway.

Colin:

They should just cut to Keanu edited in as a third guy in Easy Rider.

Why are you looking to her for help? She randomly came up to you in a club. Once.

“Please, Neo. You have to trust me.”

“Why?”

Colin:

Keanu’s thing is saying things with breathy intensity. I have to say that it gets old. “What?” “Why?” Does this guy do anything but ask single word questions?

“Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends.”

Two things –

First… No highway. It’s their way or the alleyway.

Also, is it just me, or when you saw this for the first time (and maybe ten times after that), did you think there was something shifty down the end of that road? Like, that’s where all the rapists and riddle-spouting trolls lived?

Colin:

That road? That’s actually how you get to Sesame Street. That’s where it ends. Why doesn’t he want to end up there? Cause he’s a dick who doesn’t like Sesame Street.

It’s clear she’s speaking differently, but the way they shoot it makes it seem like it’s that road, and not the metaphorical road, of dead-end job, dead-end life. What could possibly be down that road?

Colin:

But seriously. Where DOES that road end? Why does he not want to be there? That just sounds like dramatic, emo bullshit.

“And I know that’s not where you want to be.”

I like how she’s still pointing the gun at him.

Colin:

Wow, this world doesn’t have Chipotle.

OMINOUS THUNDERCLAP AS HE CLOSES THE DOOR

Does no one live here? Seriously.

“Apoc, lights.”

“Yes’m, Miss Daisy, there be lights.”

Colin:

Leave Mike for long enough and he just talks like this.

What the fuck? You’re gonna get violated.

Colin:

The fuck is THAT thing?

How do you not notice that shit immediately when you get in the car? By the time that gun was pointed at me, I’d be looking up, in the process of saying, “What the fuck is that?” That wasn’t part of the deal. Give me the fucking highway.

And do you really think those lights are gonna do anything in this car?

Colin:

What lights?

“Lie back, lift up your shirt.”

So the party can start?

Look at that expression.

I also like how he just does it without question.

“What is that thing?”

Well, one question. Not “Why?” of course, but, “What is that thing that’s about to be put on or around one of my orifices?”

Colin:

The belly button isn’t open. Wouldn’t they have put it up his ass? Shouldn’t they be plunging his prison pocket?

“We think you’re bugged.”

You realize that thing has its own lights, right? What the fuck did you need Apoc for?

Look, I’m sorry man. I didn’t want to make you feel excluded or nothin’, but come on. Your only job is to look at shit and die later.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, Tilda.

Colin:

Wow, she does look like Tilda. 

Yeah, plug it in. Just like how they’re gonna unplug those two assholes in thirty minutes.

“Try and relax.”

Because what else can you say in a moment like this?

Colin:

Notice how this is NEVER again a thing? How they make it look like it’s a common occurrence with them, and how she’s an expert and they seem to have a perfect idea of what’s going on, and then this is never again seen or mentioned in three movies. This is one of my issues with Harry Potter — how there are a SHIT ton of things that we’re introduced to just once, JUST before it’s necessary. And then you never see it again.

Eww. Just, everything about this image is, “Eww.”

…and, Japan.

Colin:

I’m gonna miss this place.

Speaking of Kuleshov Effect…

This should be a carnival game. Get five bugs you get one of those neon-colored woven bracelets and a mood fish.

That thing has a pressure gauge.

What if vibrators had those?

Colin:

How did he not feel this thing moving around before?

This face.

Colin:

This is the only face I’ve ever seen him make that demonstrates nearly pure enjoyment. If you were to show me this image out of context, I would think it was Neo’s “woo-hoo!” moment, like Andrew Garfield jumping as Spider Man. He’s getting navelingus from a machine.

And this face.

Yeah, I’m sure that’ll do wonders for his ability to have kids.

This must be blurred out in Asia.

Colin:

It’s more sensual that way. 

Wow… way to digitally remove that string, guys.

Also, eww.

Colin:

This is one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen. And I’ve lived in Japan for years.

Colin:

It’s all covered in bits of him. How did that not leave him with massive internal bleeding?

Who needs The Miracle of Life?

Colin:

Somehow, I read “The Miracle Worker,” and that still makes sense to me. Imagine the sound Helen would have made if they did this to her.

What good IS a phone call if you’re unable to speak?

Also, baby xenomorph.

And the squid part. Some guy named Hiroshi just came.

Abortions should look like this.

Colin:

Subtitle. 

“Jesus Christ, that thing’s real?!”

Things You Say During an Abortion.

Seriously, though… abortion machine.

This is EXACTLY how abortions should be performed. Right down to the being held at gunpoint and dumping out the window of a moving car.

Aww… see… it’s not a living thing. It’s just a Terminator sperm.

Colin:

Abortions should also end with the words, “Hasta la vista, baby.”

It also looks like Boba Fett sperm too.

Colin:

Looks like a Spacely Sprocket.

I’m sure that’s safe.

Another one of the most memorable shots of the film.

Colin:

Vertical shots much?

Maybe look into a cleaning lady.

“No, no. Mr. Neo es no home.”

“Conseula, did you steal my spoon?”

“Es no spoon, Mr. Neo.”

“Whoa.”

This looks like where Barton Fink stayed.

“This is it.”

What if John Travolta in his Battlefield Earth costume was behind that door?

Imagine that. Him, coming out with the dreads, wearing his Tony Manero suit, going, “My nigga!”

I’d pay to see that.

“Let me give you one piece of advice.”

Said the lady who just removed a squid from his belly button.

“Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine.”

Which is great, since, in the next two movies… he really doesn’t. Like, at all.

Colin:

I bet I could lie to Morpheus.

I Bet I Could Lie to Morpheus

Also, what if her one piece of advice was, “Don’t clench”?

This looks like the Beast’s room.

That must be so uncomfortable, holding your arms behind you like that all the time.

“My nigga!”

No? Not even if I try hard?

Colin:

So…it’s night, and you’re staring out a window with curtains drawn while wearing sunglasses. And you turn around as he walks in, as though this is all very planned out. Which, of course, it is. That’s…cool.

“At last.”

Said his dentist when he finally got that gap fixed.

Is that a raincoat?

“Welcome, Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus.”

Really? Maybe he didn’t guess. What if he tossed you his coat, like, “Double bourbon and water. Try not to drown it, boy”?

What if The One were racist?

Colin:

Sometimes all the fake intrigue is too much. “As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus.” The first half of that sentence is unnecessary.

How white.

What if Morpheus went for the complicated shake here? The pull back into the fist bump? Would it be awkward? Would Keanu know to do it instinctively?

Oh, yeah, and they pull that stupid shit here. “It’s an honor to meet you.” “No, it’s an honor to meet you.” Just suck each other’s dick plugs already.

“Please, come, sit down on the only piece of furniture I have. Trinity can stand.”

Colin:

I wish Neo had sat down and Mark Wahlberg had showed up to be Morpheus’ Sgt. Dignam. Someone needs to call Keanu a ‘lace curtain motherfucker.’

“You think we don’t know how to hack into the Matrix? Of course we know. But we wouldn’t tell you. Because then we wouldn’t be fighters. We would be cunts. You calling us cunts?”

I wish Mark Wahlberg was Neo. “Hey Morpheus, how’s it goin’?”

This is the greatest image in the history of cinema.

Yeah, that’s not unsettling at all.

“I imagine that right now you’re feeling a bit like Alice.”

Alice Nutter? Of Chumbawumba?

I often feel like Alice Nutter.

“Tumbling down the rabbit hole?”

Does that make him the hookah-smoking caterpillar?

“I can see it in your eyes.”

A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I told you. Editing works, people. Lev wins again.

“You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up.”

Or because he accepts pretty much anything told to him, including that he has to lift up his shift because a giant bug is in his chest.

“Ironically this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?”

Colin:

I’m not sure that’s what ‘ironically’ means. Surprisingly, yes. Ironically? Debatable.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t like the idea that I’m not in control of my life.”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

Where did that cigarette case come from?

“Let me tell you about my boat why you’re here.”

“You’re here because you know something.”

That’s often how people end up places. Especially after being held at gunpoint.

“What you know you can’t explain.”

I’d buy that.

“But you feel it. You felt it your entire life.”

I feel it right now, brushing up against my leg.

I’m sorry, I can’t not take screenshots of his face every time they cut back to him. I’m pretty sure that on entry on our Favorite Images article is just going to be nothing but Keanu’s (lack of) reaction shots.

“That there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind. Driving you mad. It is this feeling that brought you to me.”

Colin:

He feels that there’s something wrong with the world but can’t seem to define it? Shit, you guys. I’m The One.

I can define it. What does that make me?

“Do you know what I’m talking about?”

Yeah, it’s called mescaline. It’s the only way to fly.

“The Matrix.”

“Do you want to know what it is?”

I’m trying to let these organically speak for themselves, but I feel like if I don’t point out how hilarious these reaction shots are, people will just skip past them.

This is amazing stuff we have here. The shots are doing the comedy work on their own.

He also has the dumbest nod in this shot.

Because he didn’t come all this way to be like, “Nah, man. Just wanted to shake your hand.”

“The Matrix is everywhere.”

That’s, not an answer.

I’d walk out right now.

“It is all around us. Even now, in this very room.”

Amazing cut.

“You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television.”

What about when you help your landlady carry out her garbage? Can you see it then?

“You can feel it when you go to work. When you go to church.”

Pretty sure he doesn’t go to church. Also, can you feel it in the water and smell it in the air?

Can you feel it in your fingers? Can you feel it in your toes? Is the Matrix all around you? And so the feeling grows?

Colin:

For as many times as he frees minds, this must be a tired speech for Morpheus. Or maybe it’s the special speech that only Neo gets, explaining what the Matrix is in such a poetic way. I wonder if all the other bastards got a shitty speech. “Eh, so the Matrix is like this simulation that you live in so the robots can suck the energy out of you. Pretty much.”

You think they’ve ever unplugged someone for fun, just to see what happens?

“When you pay your taxes.”

So, all the things we hate doing because we’re getting fucked in some way by the government or some spooky ghost messiah, that’s the Matrix.

Colin:

I like that Morpheus says ‘taxes’ in such an interesting way. Cause Hugo Weaving said it in a great way. I bet that was conscious. Fishburne heard Weaving kill that shit, and decided he had to do SOMETHING.

“It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.”

So nu… what do you know?

Colin:

“What truth?” Oh, congratulations, asshole. You’ve graduated to two word questions delivered in a breathy voice.

“I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside.”

“That you are a slave, Neo.”

That’s pretty bold talk.

He used to have to sit at the back of the Matrix at one point.

“Like everyone else, you were born under bondage.”

The people in that club would probably enjoy hearing that.

Colin:

Heh. Bondage.

“Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch.”

Colin:

Everybody’s talking at me…

Oh, but yeah, go on, Annie Sullivan.

“A prison, for your mind.”

And then he just sits back and sighs. Maybe he’s got the Itis.

“Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is.”

YOU JUST FUCKING TOLD HIM.

“You have to see it for yourself.”

Is it in that case? Because otherwise, that’s a really strange move.

What if he just handed him two Ben Wa balls?

“This is your last chance.”

“After this, there is no turning back.”

Really? So if he says no right now, it’s over? You’re not gonna hang around his apartment, trying to get him back?

“You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe, whatever you want to believe.”

Colin:

Take the blue pill, wake up in your bed, and probably get raped by the agents anyway.

Morpheus is a date rapist.

He kids… wanna buy some drugs?

“You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland.”

“And I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

 Colin:

That is an iconic shot, though. Everyone knows this shot. And it’s awesome. Reflection shots are almost always awesome.

How deep does the rabbit hole go? I feel like that’s bad for your organs.

So many questions. First, who manufactures these pills? How was it decided what the exact chemical formula is to unplug somebody from the Matrix? Were they just trying this out in one of those fucking huts on Zion? Can this be done on both ends? Can you introduce this in that field of bodies and have them unplug that way? Is this entirely psychological? What is the deal with these pills?

“Tune in next week on another edition of THE MATRIX!”

Wouldn’t that be fucked up? If I ended here?

“Remember.”

Who you are?

“All I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.”

Colin:

That sounded like a lawyer’s follow-up.

Get out of here, Neo, you don’t want no part of this shit!

Man, these thunderclaps are on point.

Colin:

Perfect timing for a thunderclap. Too obvious.

He also has that creepy smile like, “Yeah, you just drank a roofie. Prepare to get butt raped.”

Kind of like the way he says, “Yessss” on the phone earlier.

Payoff to the best shot in the history of cinema.

“Follow me.”

Let me show you my sex dungeon.

What’s going to happen to the blue pill?

Was that an Ambien? Can I get that?

“Apoc, are we online?”

This looks like some low-rent, unlicensed dentistry is about to happen.

Or as I call it, Thursday.

“Almost.”

Colin:

“Are we online?” Oh right. 1999. Dial-up.

“You did all this?”

Nah, man, I just had to get on a bus.

Is this was telemarketing was in 1999?

“The pill you took is part of a trace program. It’s designed to disrupt your input/output carrier signal so we can pinpoint your location.”

Oh, so the pill is fucking meaningless. Great.

“What does that mean?”

“It means buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy. Because Kansas is going bye bye.”

Colin:

Joe Pantoliano is such a dick in just the right way. I hope he reads this and understands how that’s a compliment.

What exactly was he looking into?

“Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real?”

All the time, it’s called mescaline…

Colin:

This is all pretty shitty hardware. Can’t they upload something awesome? They hack some guns into the Matrix later, so what’s to stop them putting in something else? A flatscreen TV? You can argue that they don’t have the technology, but in the later movies, we see some crazy shit in Zion. The fact of the matter is that there’s no reason for them to be using shit equipment, other than that it makes them look like guerrillas. They totally hacked in the thing they used to debug Neo, and that thing was legit. This feels lazy.

“What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?”

Colin:

More obviously timed thunder.

He’s spouting just enough bullshit to make sense when you’re high.

Weird that he has to do this with everyone watching.

Colin:

Broken glass, everywhere! People pissin’ on the stair, you know they just don’t care.

Agent Smith:

It’s the smell!

Alex Mack!

“This can’t be—”

It is. This is what happens when you finger a chick that can turn into a puddle.

“Be what? Real?”

Colin:

So that’s weird. Do they control that mirror thingy, or is it something that exists in the Matrix and they had to come here to play with it? It seems to be part of the process, but given the urgency they react with in a few seconds, wouldn’t they be like, “Ah…don’t touch that just yet. Okay, now you can touch it” only once they were ready?

Pretty sure he’s just tripping balls right now.

Colin:

Unicorn jizz.

I have to go to Thailand to get that shit usually.

Matrix Shocker.

“It’s going into replication.”

“Apoc?”

“Still nothing.”

Bitch, can’t you see I’m playing Solitaire?

“It’s cold.”

Colin:

It’s killing him, right? Like…sorta? It’s some stuff that gets him out? Either way, they need to get him out using a phone the way everyone else does — but since he’s not on their ship, they need to get his signal back to wherever he is. That’s what they’re doing, trying to find him in the fields or whatever, using their trace program. But I don’t get what this goo does.

I think it shocks his body enough to wake him up from that pod, but the side effect is it makes his heart go all coked out and almost stop beating.

Are the agents not monitoring the phones at all?

That’s fucking badass.

“Tank, we’re going to need a signal soon.”

“Lock! I got it!”

Lock? we don’t meet him until the next movie.

“Now, Tank!”

That sounds like the sound video games used to make when the main character died.

This is how I sleep.

Colin:

Ew

Colin:

I bet that’s sticky. That’s my worst feeling.

What if you woke up and actually got up and there was a layer of that shit around you that just wouldn’t pop, or separate?

*Bane voice* “I promise when you finish this cookie you’ll be right as rain.”

Humorously enough, this is exactly what Bane looked like in Batman and Robin.

Colin:

That looks unpleasant.

This is me on most Wednesday mornings.

Colin:

I don’t like the idea of stuff poking out of one’s body. That’s gross.

This is what happens when you take the red pill and the only promise is “the truth.”

Are any of those women? Can you slip on over and fuck her in the goo pod?

That good pod got a fat ass.

You look like Bob Geldof in The Wall.

What’s the rent like at these places?

Is Gozer on the roof? What’s with the lightning?

Colin:

Ahh, electricity. This looks like it could have been done more efficiently.

So is this considered a good spot or a bad spot?

Does this count as a deluxe apartment in the sky?

What would you actually be thinking right now if this happened to you? What if someone slipped you the red pill by mistake and this is what happened?

Also, does he even know what’s happening right now, since he’s never “used his eyes” or whatever?

Colin:

Machine. That looks like a big bug robot. Why are they so ugly?

Ever date a squirter?

I like how the machine just folds its arms and its out.

“Neo, buddy!”

This could be Paul Rudd.

So what’s machine memory like? You think they remember him later on?

Also, in the third movie we find out these are just outside the machine city, right? So essentially this is the suburbs.

Colin:

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Looked kinda like that.

Similar locations.

Colin:

Wouldn’t it just kill him? Like, the only reason this human would be up and staring at you is because the resistance came and “freed” him. So just fucking kill him. Why leave him alive here? I know you’re gonna flush him, but just take care of it first.

I think it just thinks he’s a dud. There are millions of these people. There must be some who just don’t work.

Also, if a human to them is essentially what a goldfish is to us, I think the assumption is, “If we flush it, that’s basically the same thing.”

Imagine if, after we flushed a goldfish, other little goldfish picked it up in the sewage system exactly like in this movie, and then like, a year later, the goldfish came and knocked on your door, all blind and shit.

Sorry guys, I took the blue pill. They had a lot left over and got generous.

The blue pills are kind of like the losing teams championship t-shirts of the Matrix world.

You might want to get that plug hole looked at.

Colin:

That looks unpleasant.

Colin:

You are gross and white and hairless.

I need to charge my phone.

Eww. Puss.

Colin:

You know what’s more gross than weird tubes sticking out of someone’s body? Those tubes popping out with weird noises and just empty sockets left chilling.

His name is Toby Anderson.

This is one way of exfoliating. This is how actresses stay young. By bathing in the liquidated corpses of infant children.

Colin:

Way to tread water, Atrophy Boy.

This is the real secret of the ooze.

J-PARK VII: AMBER ALERT

Okay, take this shot out of context. Put it in another movie. Like Suspiria. (Or, The Conversation.) That is terrifying as all hell.

You guys remember Ivan Ooze?

Honestly, if you showed this to a five year old and said that’s how they were born, they’d believe it.

What if he was able to hold on, and was just chilling in this pod? What would the machine do? Would it know? Or is this actually like a toilet and it’ll just refill with another one? Where do they keep getting human corpses to put in there? Who is fucking in this society? Do the plugs pull out your jizz and artificially inseminate? I feel like there are a lot of areas for Japan here.

Is that his dick sticking up?

Also, why does he look like the Six Flags dancing old guy?

This is how Super Mario Bros. ended.

What’s up with his dick?

Seriously, get someone to look at that plug hole.

Is that a giant bush? Holy shit!

Colin:

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Hey, guys… I don’t think he has a dick.

Where is all this water in the sequels?

Am I the only one picturing the goldfish right now?

You know what sucks? We live in an age now where we’ll never see this happen again. Never will a mechanical arm be made and put in a movie like this. It’ll all happen digitally, and it won’t look like this.

That’s sad.

Colin:

Whoever’s doing this must be AMAZING at crane games. I know I’m not the only one who thought of Toy Story when I saw this the first time.

I always wondered why the machines never checked the sewers where they dump the bodies.

Maybe put a few sentinels down here. I bet they’d complain and drink all the time, but once in a while, they’d catch something.

So much Jesus imagery.

I can’t see Morpheus’ plug holes. That’s a tight shirt.

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

“Welcome to the real world.”

Colin:

What if the real world sucked in really strange ways? Like, if it turned out that the Matrix was accurate in almost every way, except that deodorant was a made up thing and that such a thing doesn’t exist in the real world. And Neo got to the real world and was like, “Man, I’m glad I know the truth, but…damn. Trinity, can’t you get some SpeedStick or something?

But then you can say “I can smell your cunt,” and mean it.

“We’ve done it, Trinity. We’ve found him.”

How many quarters did it take?

“I hope you’re right.”

“We don’t have to hope. I know it.”

Oh, well if you know it…

Dude, your neck is all bruised.

“Am I dead?”

Who’s been shaving you all this time? Why do you have stubble?

“Far from it.”

I… am not so sure about that.

We can rebuild him. We have the technology.

Colin:

Acupuncture looks fucked up. I don’t think I’m cool with that.

I bet everyone else on this ship is waiting on… pins and needles.

His muscles have atrophied. They’re rebuilding them.

Why not just go to Madame Pomfrey? She got that good shit. Skele-Gro, baby.

Just let your SKELE gro. Feeling oh, so silky smooth.

“He still needs a lot of work.”

Is this something you guys do all the time? Is there a sight test for this sort of thing?

“Why do my eyes hurt?”

Because I came on them.

“You’ve never used them before.”

“Rest, Neo. The answers are coming.”

You grew eyebrows fast.

And yet not the beard.

Why are they going in the tin? Are you gonna reuse those?

Lefty, loosey, righty, tighty.

Match cu(n)ts.

Colin:

Nice room. Bum.

It must be fun to be a drug addict in the real world.

Colin:

Why would you pull that out? What if that was running your batteries right now? You don’t know shit. This is where you call for someone and ask if it’s okay to pull that shit out. They’ve been taking care of you this whole time — think maybe that was there for a fucking reason?

The hair is what weirds me out.

“Yeah, I know. I felt you reaching for your head socket.”

“Morpheus, what’s happened to me? What is this place?”

I think you are The One, my son.

“More important than what, is when.”

“When?”

“You believe it’s the year 1999. When in fact it’s closer to 2199. I can’t tell you what year it is because, we honestly don’t know.”

Colin:

Turns out it’s more like 2699.

“There’s nothing I can say that will explain it for you, Neo. Come. Let me show you.”

“This is my ship. The Nebuchadnezzar.”

I’d like to record to show that I spelled Nebuchadnezzar right the first time.

It’s a hovercraft.

Colin:

I want a hovercraft. That is all.

The real question is whether Morpheus named this after Nebuchadnezzar I or Nebuchadnezzar II.

What, are we not all caught up on our Babylonian history?

Colin:

I was sure they were referencing the card from Magic: the Gathering. But you’d be amazed at how few things reference Magic: the Gathering.

Again with the 69.

Also, “Made in the USA.” Okay.

This movie sure wasn’t.

They broadcast a pirate signal and hack into the Matrix.

Colin:

What’s a pirate signal? Is there a jolly roger? I’d be much more into this if they were like actual pirates. Making programs walk the plank and shit. And always keeping to the code.

“Most of my crew, you already know.”

Smee, and Peg Leg John, and Cornhole…

Oh, you know, she was just welding shit.

“This is Apoc.”

Yeah, I think we got that one by now.

Colin:

They all look shitty now. That’s nice.

“Switch.”

Ha ha. Switch. Like… never mind.

“And Cypher.”

So are those all their former hacker names, or what?

Stop looking like an asshole, Switch.

The ones he doesn’t know – Tank and Dozer.

And Mouse.

Colin:

Mouse looks like a tool. I’m glad we don’t really get to know him very well.

Mouse looks like when Ginny found out Harry was randomly in her house at breakfast.

Colin:

Like a whore. Right.

“You wanted to know what the Matrix is, Neo?”

Nah, man, he’s just tryin’ to get turnt up.

Look at that coat.

Jesus, take care of your furniture, guys.

Good time to try to get her number.

What do all those wires do? I feel like some of them are useless.

“Try to relax.”

At this point, really?

Why is it whenever they tell him to relax they’re strapping him down or pulling out some sort of device? Or both?

Colin:

It’d be way funnier if it had to go in your ass for some reason.

“This will feel… a little weird.”

Too easy.

What if you had an ingrown hair in your plug hole?

Colin:

Do they have enough for everyone? They do, right? Cause everyone goes in at the same time later. So is this one just for Neo? Do they sterilize those needles? Are there plug STDs? Could you get AIDS from plugging in after someone?

Why does every franchise have AIDS?

Colin:

Councils, prophecies, AIDS…

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Does that mean something?

“This, is the Construct.”

“It’s our loading program.”

Colin:

Program. Who uses programs? That’s so 1999. We use apps now.

I just love this as an out of context shot. Look at his pose.

“We can load anything from clothing to equipment, weapons, training simulations. Anything we need.”

Colin:

So they CAN get anything they want. I guess they just chose to use shitty equipment earlier. That was smart.

Why did he put a diamond around his dick?

“Right now, we’re inside a computer?”

Colin:

Who makes tables that size? What are you contributing?

“Is it really so hard to believe? Your clothes are different, the plugs in your arms and head are gone.”

Tie pins are underrated.

“Your hair has changed.”

It’s great seeing him do the things Morpheus already told him were the case.

“Your appearance now is what we call Residual Self Image. It is the mental projection of your digital self.”

Colin:

I need a chair with lion heads on it.

I kinda want that TV.

I feel like that’s gonna become a thing. New TVs put in old ass boxes, just so they could look like that.

Because I kinda want one of those old phones. With the hook and the bell.

“This isn’t real.”

Okay, so run.

“What is real? How do you define real?”

That’s how you beat Keanu? Out question him.

“If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste, and see, then real is simply electrical symbols interpreted by your brain.”

“This is the world that you know.”

What if this wasn’t the world he knew? What if it were a video of creepy clown rapists or something?

“The world as it was at the end of the 20^th century.”

Colin:

This always sounded like a separate narration to me. Like he turned on the TV and they were just watching a documentary. I don’t know why it sounds like his voice changes, but it goes into documentary mode.

Oh, I thought you were saying it to mean something like Christopher Walken’s ass watch monologue.

They do that a lot. Because that is dialogue they record straight up ADR, in a booth, and not live on set. It always sounds different. I hate when they do that shit, because it sounds so obvious.

I’m one of those people who will ALWAYS be able to point out ADR lines. Because they’re so easy to spot. And so many movies do that montage narration thing and it always sounds so out of place. One time I really noticed it, randomly, is in Now You See Me. Morgan Freeman goes off into a narration about some sort of magic or something, and it turns into documentary Morgan Freeman voice. And it’s so fucking obvious that’s what they’re going for that it’s just disgusting.

Colin:

Who made this? They have to load this TV up with images that will make sense. Tank has to do that, or someone. It looks effortless, but we see later how specific they need shit to be. This must be a special sequence they do just for freeing minds.

It should have been a 50s informational video. Those are the best.

“It exists now as only a neural-interactive simulation.”

“That we call The Matrix.”

Colin:

Some scientists actually now have a feeling that we are potentially just beings within a computer simulation. There are apparently ways of determining that. They’re working on it. That’d be interesting.

“You’ve been living in a dream world, Neo.”

“This is the world as it exists today.”

Colin:

Well, that’s not how 2199 is gonna look, cause those are the Twin Towers falling apart.

Anyone else see a troll face in that rock?

“Welcome to the desert of the real.”

Which… is fake. Because we’ve already established that we’re in a computer.

Colin:

I like the sunglasses, but they’re Morpheus’ forever.

Colin:

This looks like an awful soundstage set. And I love it.

His reactions are awesome.

“We have only bits and pieces of information, but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early 21^st century was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to A.I.”

“A.I.? You mean artificial intelligence?”

No, I mean Allen Iverson.

Colin:

Oh, I guess that’s right. A.I. Artificial Intelligence did come out in 2001. I didn’t think it was THAT good.

“A singular consciousness that spawned an entire race of machines.”

I like to think that Machine Haley Joel Osment Paid It Forward, and that’s how The Matrix began.

Colin:

Him and Elijah Wood, man. Great stabbed faces.

The true measure of an actor is how good their stabbed faces are.

Have you guys seen Milk?

“We don’t know who struck first, us or them, but we know that it was us that scorched the sky.”

Him reacting to things is my favorite part of this movie.

Those look pretty normal, as clouds go.

Basically we fucked up the sky (tell me how that one’s possible) because they figured the machines wouldn’t be able to survive without sunlight. But apparently we forgot how dependent we were on machines.

Colin:

I checked this out on the wiki. Another majorly stupid idea. They put self-replicating nano-machines in the sky over the machine nation, but they kept replicating and covered the whole planet. Screwed up both sides. There are so many other options. Idiots. 

“Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.”

“The human body generates more electricity than a 120 volt battery, and over 25,000 BTUs of body heat.

Colin:

Is that a fetus? Wait, so when someone gets pregnant in the Matrix, they actually take jizz from the dude and an egg from the woman, fertilize it and then start to grow the embryo in its own pod? Is that how that works? I was wondering about these things.

Also, you need to give us a frame of reference for that measurement or it doesn’t make sense. A BTU is equal to about 1055 joules, meaning you have to tell us how long it takes to produce that, or it may as well be worthless.

“Combined with fusion, the machines had found all of the energy they would ever need.”

Colin:

Also, no. It takes a bunch of energy to keep us alive. We aren’t the most efficient things. I’ll say this time and again — there are COUNTLESS better ways of making electricity than this.

Do they ever explain what the fuck those things are?

This is how Augustus Gloop went.

“There are fields, Neo. Endless fields. Where human beings are no longer born. We are grown.”

Colin:

That did fuck me up the first time I saw it.

“For the longest time I wouldn’t believe it. And then I saw the fields with my own eyes.”

I want to see that. Show me how that happened.

Colin:

I guess there is a machine society, though, right? That’s what I’m interested in. And machine vegans or hippies or whatever who think the whole thing was wrong.

Harry Potter The Matrix TV series

“Watched them liquefy the dead so they can be fed intravenously to the living.”

Colin:

No. There are way more people than could be sustained with dead people for food.

Aww, look at its little plug holes.

Colin:

Wait, so fat people in the Matrix are just eating a LOT of dead people? Is a fat person in the Matrix also fat in the pod? Do they have to get HUGE pods? Or does the fat person really eat the same amount as everyone else, and they just THINK they’re eating more and therefore getting fatter in the Matrix? These questions haunt me.

Remember this, people. This will be on the test.

What if you unplugged this baby right now?

“What is the Matrix?”

“Control.”

“The Matrix is a computer-generated dream world. Built to keep us under control.”

You just repeated things you already said.

“In order to change a human being—”

“Into this.”

Colin:

Admittedly, you could have eased into it a little more, Morpheus. That went REALLY dark. But also — I like the idea of ‘Coppertop’ being the slur for people still plugged in. It’s never used. But I wonder if Duracell was a real company AND a company in the Matrix. Did they keep all our shit in the simulation? They reference movies and stuff, but those would have been watched in the Matrix. Just like Tastee Wheat, how do we know that The Wizard of Oz in their minds is the same as the real Wizard of Oz? Cypher referenced it, but how do you really know it was real and not just something the machines created to play for you?

Why a D battery?

Maybe Keanu isn’t very girthy, and he’s more like a Double A.

“No. I don’t believe it. It’s impossible.”

“I didn’t say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be the truth.”

Colin:

^^ white people when their mom turns off XBox Live.

Colin:

That will never not be funny. Maybe the day he dies.

“Stop. Let me out! Let me out! I want out!”

Colin:

This is what I say if a waitress takes too long bringing the check.

This is what I say after a week of a relationship.

Colin:

Can you imagine filming this movie and wrapping for the day and leaving the set and it’s the 90s? I guess what I’m saying is, remember how weird it was to live in the 90s?

Look at her fucking sweater. Where is her elbow?

“He’s gonna pop.”

Colin:

I love that he’s seen this enough to know that Neo’s gonna throw up in a matter of seconds.

Colin:

Out of context, this is a fabulous shot.

Colin:

What did he eat? That doesn’t look like enough to have to throw up. Cool Hand Luke you are not.

He just threw up some baby liquid.

And that’s the end of the movie!

Who washes those sheets?

Do you often sit over people while they’re sleeping, Morpheus?

“I can’t go back, can I?”

Colin:

Oh Jesus. Just be glad you’re not at work. Sorry, I forgot and called him Jesus. I hate that he’s Jesus.

I Hate That He’s Jesus.

“No. But if you could, would you really want to?”

Your hair grows crazy fast.

“I feel I owe you an apology. We have a rule. We never free a mind once it’s reached a certain age. It’s dangerous. The mind has trouble letting go. I’ve seen it before, and I’m sorry.”

Colin:

They never free a mind after it reaches a certain age? I always thought Trinity was a badass hacker in her former life in the Matrix, and that’s why they picked her. Unless she was a teenager when she did the IRS shit, that means she was freed as an adult, too. But this does strike me as odd. Cause then it means a big part of Morpheus’ job is going around inside the Matrix, approaching kids and being like, “Hey, so…can I show you something?”

“Hey kids… wanna buy some drugs?”

Colin:

Why do you think they all wear trench coats? Here’s an interesting question, though. Your mind in the Matrix is the same as your mind in the real world, yeah? So when you take drugs in the Matrix, in theory, you’re fucked up in real life, too. And whatever you’re hallucinating is because the Matrix knows you’re on drugs, and so the feed going into your brain changes the signals or the frequency of the electrical impulses and makes you actually high, right? Like, that’s what REAL drugs are doing — just making our brains misfire and stuff. So by taking fake drugs in the Matrix, we’re having the real machines respond by making our brains misfire on purpose? What’s-his-face and Dujour taking mescaline was only the machines seeing that they had and zapping their real brains to mess with them?

It’s also pretty great that he’s like, “I’m sorry. I fucked up your entire life and I knew it was the wrong thing. I broke a rule and now you can’t accept it and you’ll probably die. But you know, I had reasons.”

“I did what I did because, I had to.”

Colin:

The shittiest thing to say under any circumstances. “Colin, why did you strip in the middle of a Yankee Candle?”

“When the Matrix was first built, there was a man born inside. Who had the ability to change whatever he wanted, to remake the Matrix as he saw fit. It was he who freed the first of us. Taught us the truth.”

Colin:

He was born inside? So then how did he free them?

“As long as the Matrix exists, the human race will never be free.”

Uhh… okay.

But it seems like they’re using you for energy and keeping you in a world that’s better than your own. So really, we’re doing all right, overall. Right?

“After he died, the Oracle prophecized his return. That his coming would hail the destruction of the Matrix. End the war. Bring freedom to our people. That is why there are those of us who have spent our entire lives searching the Matrix, looking for him.”

Colin

I hate prophecies. No more prophecies. Can we have a single franchise without prophecies? 

Or councils? Or AIDS?

“I did what I did because I believe that search is over.”

Colin:

But apparently we aren’t. How is this article still going?

Colin:

This is the part where Neo finds out he’s special. Aww.

Okay, okay – first off – crazy heavy-handed with the Jesus imagery. Like, blatantly so. Second – doesn’t this monologue make it seem like Morpheus was freed by this “One,” and that he knew him personally? Because that’s how it sounds to me. They seem to have almost retconned the fact that there were six Matrixes and six Ones and all that, I guess to maybe make it seem less Jesus-y. But it clearly makes it seem like there was a Jesus, he died, and they said he was coming back. So now Morpheus believes Neo is Jesus.

“Get some rest. You’re going to need it.”

Because… butt stuff?

“For what?”

“Your training.”

Look at that smirk.

Colin:

This sort of environment is unnatural, but cool. Like, light usually spreads more than that. It’s bright in that one spot and then really dark around it. That’s a film effect, and a good one.

“Morning. Did you sleep?”

“No.”

“You will tonight. I guarantee it.”

What does your guarantee mean, exactly?

“I’m Tank. I’ll be your operator.”

Colin:

I like that they’re called ‘operators.’

He’s smiling like he’s gonna be his prison bitch.

“You don’t have any—”

Holes. He doesn’t have any holes. That’s a line of dialogue.

Colin:

He doesn’t have any holes. Well, the usual ones.

Is there a plug in his dick hole?

And the reason he doesn’t have any holes is because he’s a child of Zion. Which – also… subtle. Real subtle.

Colin:

Zion. Of course it’s called Zion. Subtle.

“Zion?”

Colin:

You’d think that if Neo was a smart guy, he’d be like, “Oh…’Zion’…right.”

You’d think.

“If the war was over tomorrow, Zion’s where the party would be.”

What, not in that sewer with the dead bodies?

Also, you haven’t answered shit? “What’s this place? Well, it’s a place where, if something good happened, we’d party.” “So, you mean, like Chuck E. Cheese?”

The last human city. Deep underground, near the Earth’s core. “Where it’s still warm.”

Is it not warm anywhere else? I don’t get it. I don’t see ice in the machine cities. No sunlight, is that it?

Colin:

“If you live long enough you might even see it!” What the shit kind of line is that? We see later how the ships are coming in and out all the time, and Neo’s supposed to be the One. Why wouldn’t he see it? Why would you start by assuming death?

And he nuts out at the prospect of Keanu being The One.

Colin:

This guy has the demeanor of a camp counselor. “Very exciting time!” The fuck is this, capture the flag?

It’s go time, bitches.

Colin:

Do you think that people from Zion ever have hole envy? Think about it. The Matrix is the frontline of their battle, and it’s also this magical place where stuff is clean and things are possible. It may be a prison, but people with holes can go into the Matrix and experience with their brains what it’s like to sleep on 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. They keep telling us that your mind makes it real, so regardless of what you have to say, people born in Zion are being stiffed out of the experiences that everyone else gets to have.

I just had a thought.

I was originally thinking, “If Smith takes over someone, and their mind makes it real, is that it, are they just dead in the pod?” But then, the more interesting thought was, “If Smith takes over someone, and they get unplugged, is Smith just in the real world now, with a body?”

Colin:

As we see in the next film, it also prevents them from having certain jobs within Zion that only people with holes seem to be able to do (like the air traffic controller people). I know they’re united against the evil machines, but you wonder if there isn’t some resentment there for some of the Zion people.

Like the Sneetches.

Colin:

Or maybe it’s the other way around, and the people who come from Zion for generations are snooty about it. In which case, a person from Zion complaining about not having holes and experiencing the Matrix would be like a white person wanting to be black so he could use the N-word freely.

Sorry, were we doing something?

Colin:

I said ‘sorry.’

They’re supposed to start with operation programs first.

Colin:

Why does it look like Tank is wearing a frock?

For that matter, did you notice that his name is a consonant, a vowel, and then -nk? And so is Link. Maybe they’re all like that. Tank. Link. Dunk. Bonk.

I want Operator Bonk on my ship.

“That’s major boring shit.”

Combat training.

Colin:

Of course it’s all on disc, cause why would they have a hard drive large enough to hold all that shit? We need this to resonate with the viewers of 1999, who were still using fucking mini discs. 

My question is… what if he needs the operating programs in the future? I mean, I guess it could be like algebra, but… you are gonna go back to those at some point, right?

Jujitsu has been upgraded.

Colin:

Is he starting with 10 of 12? Why?

AP Combat Training.

“Jujitsu? I’m going to learn Jujitsu?”

Come on, buddy.

He’s got ballsacks over his eyes.

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

“Holy shit.”

Colin:

“Hey Mikey, I think he likes it!” Now…why would you know that reference?

Mikey was actually Tank and Dozer’s little brother. Died tragically in childbirth. Tank started talking through him to make it through the lonely nights. No one brings it up, because it’s a coping mechanism for him. Some real Angela’s Ashes shit.

Colin:

I read that book in the 6th grade. Nobody told me that at age 14 he was going to go fuck a chick with TB who then DIED. You don’t just drop that shit on a 10-year-old kid who’s also reading Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh for school. I think we were also reading The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm at that time. All I remember about that is that I don’t want to live in Zimbabwe in the 2190s. 

“How bout some more?”

“Hell yes.”

That’s how you know he’s white. Hell yes.

Colin:

I was going to point out a few other things, but sure. White people do love a hell yes.

Colin:

But no krav maga? I figured that any Zionist would learn the techniques developed by the Israeli special forces.

That was always my favorite. He learns drunken boxing.

Colin:

And yet, we never see it. That’d be great.

“How is he?”

“Ten hours straight. He’s a machine.”

Colin:

I love how later on, it’s like he’s this badass fighter, but it just took him a day to download it all. The scary thing is that we’re only a few decades away from legit neural implants to help us learn and remember things. Which is awesome. But he thinks he’s amazing — couldn’t he just spend like 3 more hours tomorrow and get MORE amazing? Isn’t that all it takes?

Also, isn’t being a machine a bad thing for them?

What did the rest of them do for that ten hours?

Colin:

Butt stuff? I feel like that’s the answer to these questions.

Colin:

There are his stats. I wonder what nature he is. How about EV training? IVs? 

“I know kung fu.”

I mean… what can you say about that line that hasn’t already been said?

No, no, no, I know, kung fu.

“Show me.”

Colin:

What is this, Missouri?

– – – – – – – – – –

And that’s where we’ll END PART II.

Oh, what? You thought we were gonna get to the good stuff today? That’s how you set a tease.

Tomorrow is Part III, where he shows him.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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