Fun with Franchises: The Matrix (1999), Part IV — “Sniffing Bitches and Taunting Unconscious People”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the fourth part of The Matrix.

We begin Part IV with the woman in the red dress.

Digital pimp, hard at work.

Digital pimp, hard at home.

Digital pimp, pretty much just hard.

Also, she doesn’t talk, but she can write.

They had to have all banged her.

They had to cast this woman.

Also… so Mouse just whores her out? Is that the thing? It’s bad enough she’s a program he wrote that he bangs (which is what the internet has become now), but he openly tells people, “Hey… wanna bang her? I can make that happen.”

Is there such a thing as Matrix herpes?

I bet they leave those out of their residual self-images.

Colin:

He programmed that himself. And now he’s looking at it. And getting excited. No.

I mean, if you are a programmer in this world, why wouldn’t you get laid this way? This is The Matrix, that science ain’t weird.

It’s also great how in the real world, he looks like a little bitch, but here, he looks like a pimp. Residual self image, baby.

Colin:

Eh. He still looks slightly off. Did you see the rib-cage shirt he has on under the jacket?

Why’s it printed on shitty newspaper?

And wait… what the fuck are you doing in Morpheus’s chair? If he saw that, he’d slap the shit out of you.

Don’t jerk off on Morpheus’s chair. That’s his Stump Speech chair.

When mom walks in on you masturbating.

“Motherfucker, I know you’re in my chair.”

Why do you guys keep going back to the same building all the time?

Colin:

They’re fucking. You know they’re fucking. In any other movie, they’d let you know these two were fucking.

Aww shit… Apoc’s got an uzi. Now I definitely don’t need to ask what nationality he is.

Colin:

My uncle’s Italian American and once got stopped in the airport in Rome for having a terrorist profile. Which — he has a bushy goatee and looks a lot like Anthony Quinn. So I could see how if they’d seen The Message, they might make the Hamza connection. But anyway, the had uzis and held him at gunpoint for like 30 minutes while they talked to the embassy. But knowing him, they probably ended up making pasta e fagioli. 

That’s what they do in Italy. In Haiwaii, they give you leis, in Italy, you just get a bowl of pasta, coming and going.

Colin:

That’s such a great car. Thank you, whoever chose that car.

Apparently The Matrix doesn’t have license plates. Or police who check for that sort of thing.

Colin:

Am I missing something? AA034?

That’s not a real license plate. Is what I’m getting at. That’s a bullshit fake plate that’s like those phone books in that it’s generic enough to look real, but how the fuck, with all the cars we see in the Matrix, can that actually be a license plate?

Also, AA, like Double-A battery?

That’s badass. Doors that open like that.

Colin:

Yeah, suicide doors ARE the shit. But they don’t get made anymore for safety reasons — mostly that if they open by accident, the air pushes them further open, whereas a regular door would be want to close again.

They’re also called suicide doors. Which might be another reason.

P.S. At the end of this shot, you can see Carrie Anne Moss fumbling with the door handle. They cut away right before badass became awkward.

That’s not shifty at all.

Though I do like his sunglasses.

Oh no, a mouth twitch. That must be suspicious.

Colin:

TWITCHY MOUTH IS EVIL

The twitchy mouth and that moustache just makes me think, “Meh, copper.”

I love that second one. I kept waiting for it to happen just so I could get a shot of it. I knew he wasn’t going to leave that first one alone. That’s how you know someone’s not really an actor. The initial look of confusion wasn’t enough to convey the thought. He had to make the broad face and even say, “What was that?” Just so you know, something’s not right.

Colin:

Kitty!

Colin:

Kitty!

“Whoa… déjà vu.”

Morpheus turns around like a badass here.

Man, he is not subtle.

Colin:

I thought the same, but I realized that I actually do this sort of thing myself. 

“What did you just say?”

“A black cat went past us, and then another that looked just like it.”

“How much like it? Was it the same cat?”

Is this an existential exercise? Are we on first?

Also, does this look like a place where multiple cats are gonna pass? I’m pretty sure no one lives here.

Colin:

What’s the point of even asking? At this point, you know you’re fucked. You may as well act as though attack is always imminent. And for that matter, who SAYS they’re having deja vu? That wasn’t deja vu. Deja vu is like weeks later when you’re like, “Hey, that looks weirdly familiar.” This was some weird shit that happened. You say, “Hey guys, I just saw some weird shit.”

“Might have been, I’m not sure.”

“Switch, Apoc.”

What if he was telling Apoc to switch? How would you know?

“What is it?”

“A déjà vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they change something.”

Colin:

This isn’t really a thing later, either. Do we see deja vu later in the franchise? I don’t think so.

We do when they call back to this. But otherwise, no.

Plus, they can change whatever they want, whenever they want. So… maybe make it easier to catch them without an informant.

Colin:

I think it was the informant who told them what building they had to change, and when. But still, they could have changed so much more. Wouldn’t you just change it so the building was encased in a cube of lead so nobody could get out, or something?

“Let’s go.”

Wait. So they cut the power, but I still see light on him.

THE FUCKING LIGHTS ARE STILL ON!

Oh, they cut the hard line. I get it. No phones.

Colin:

Y’all are fucked.

Colin:

Mouse: Trap.

“Oh no.”

“Oh no.”

Good thing we can read that code. Because otherwise this ominous moment wouldn’t make any sense.

YEAH MOUSE!

Do you always bring this kind of firepower to a simple Oracle meeting.

“You’ll never catch me, coppers! Meh!”

I love machine guns with the round clips like that. More of those.

How did the cops get above them?

My grandma went the same way.

Deadmau5.

Colin:

He did go out like a G, but I feel like he could have done more.

We call that “The Schindler.”

I hope you all appreciated my Deadmau5 joke.

Sometimes I need to remind you how funny I am.

So, is there an organ donor situation in the real world? Or do they just toss him over the side of the ship?

Colin:

Lots of vertical shots.

So wait, was Mouse on the ground floor? Seems like he was above them, and they’re trapped between cops.

This is like that Order of the Phoenix scene with the extendable ear.

The Balrog is coming.

“That’s what they changed.”

Thank you, Cypher.

Colin:

He does such a good job of looking like someone who’s acting this way. Like, he’s acting like a guy who also acting in a certain way. Which takes skill.

“Be calm, give me your phone.”

“They’ll be able to track it.”

“We have no choice.”

I don’t like your outfit, Trinity.

“Operator.”

“Tank, find a structural drawing in this building. Find it fast.”

Colin could be Tank.

Though Colin wouldn’t make such dumb faces all the time.

I bet they make sunglasses that are tinted to make everything look like Matrix.

Is that Linux, or…?

Colin:

I just noticed that myself. What the shit?

Also, fingerless gloves. I like the idea of fingerless gloves, but I’m not sure how good they are in practice.

It seems as though he has two keyboards, one regular and one… whatever the fuck that is. Wingdings?

Colin knows a thing or two about this.

Colin:

It’s shocking how easy it is to find schematics and architectural drawings online.

Let’s face it… we both knew the other was going to mention it.

Colin:

I know Mike has already mentioned this, but…I was once dared to find information about someone. I found the plans to her house. Floor plan, shingle type, everything. The internet is a treasure trove of information, and it turns out you don’t have to be Google or Facebook to get it. My boss once asked me to find a guy’s email address, and I was able to find it and just about everything else about him, down to the last four digits of his SSN. A colleague was freaked out about this and explained to me that she’s invisible. No Facebook or any other social media presence. I turned up every address she’s ever lived at since preschool.

Colin:

It just occurred to me that they didn’t have to make most of the Matrix. Like, within the Matrix, there are resources and shit, and this building was designed and built by some construction company run and operated by people. The Matrix is BASICALLY Mindcraft. Now that I think of it, I’m kind of amazed that I’d never drawn that connection in the first place.

This looks like Clue.

I love that his body is just sitting there. Under a curtain. So you can just dump an extra under there.

You think they just leave him there, or…

What is that earpiece hooked up to?

“Eighth floor.”

Did they trace his cell phone? Can’t they do that all the time, then? Or is this like The Departed, where only one phone is live in the area.

And Cypher is texting from inside his pocket.

What’s with the glasses, Switch?

“Neo.”

Why does he get a gun and no one else does?

I guess his motto… is Apoc-alypse now.

That is a gun, Neo. You shoot people with it.

“I hope the Oracle gave you some good news.”

Dead.

That’s what happens when they get these moments.

I bet he never saw Matrix Venice.

Cops love flashlights in this movie. I’m very okay with this.

Hey guys, the empty room is all clear.

Morpheus, this is no time for shitting.

LOVE this lighting. Look how it makes his eyebrows look.

“Where are they?”

Colin:

He looks like Kate Hepburn in the later years.

“Gordon, the loons!”

KATE HEPBURN AS BATMAN!

GUESS WHO’S COMING FOR JUSTICE!

They like feet shots.

Also, do those shoes have lifts?

I mean, does no one think to check the giant hole in the wall?

Colin:

Is that not an enormous bathroom? It’s got a toilet right there, so it’s not like this is for multiple people. I’ve had a unit bath in Japan for three years now, and it’s about 3 feet by 4 feet. Shower, sink, toilet. 

This was always one of my favorite parts. People climbing through the walls.

You’d think the guy might go, “Hmm, the people were here but now they’re not. Maybe they went through that giant fucking hole in the wall big enough to fit an entire person.”

Also, this reminds me of one of my favorite Super Bowl commercials of all time.

Actually, this was during that Patriots/Giants Super Bowl. We watched that in my room. Everyone was packed into the lounge right below us, and we were just chilling in my room. That was fun. I remember everyone else in the room was rooting for the Patriots and Shiho and I were vehemently rooting Giants. (Which is insane, since every other time, I want them to lose.) And we lost our shit during the Tyree catch.

Colin:

This shot of them in the wall from the side is so good. It’s so great when filmmakers leave so much of the shot black.

Sure… it’s only eight floors. That’s totally doable.

Silently.

You think that’s asbestos you’re breathing now?

Are people just double checking all the rooms.

Do they know the guy came into the bathroom?

Are there really enough places to put your feet on the way down?

You got dust all over your head.

Germaphobes would be losing their shit right now.

Colin:

This could be from Band of Brothers, and you wouldn’t know, out of context.

So tense. Love this moment.

What happened to her jacket?

Just fire. What do you have to lose?

Colin:

Nice goggles, Scuba Steve.

It’s weird how it’s Cypher, but it also seems like an accident.

Colin:

It’s not like this was on purpose. You got dust in his face and now he has to cough. He’s a bad guy, but it’s not all on him.

“They’re in the walls,” he said, to no one in particular.

How did you not get further down? Did you just get into the walls by the time he went into the bathroom? You should be at least one floor down by now. Or are there that sized holes in every bathroom all the way down?

Or, actually, this looks like the next floor down, with a regular wall.

Yeah… I’m sure that missed.

Yeah, you don’t have a shot.

Way to give your position away, buddy.

Code face.

This shot always stuck with me.

Really? All those cops in the building and you’re just chilling there, thinking you’re safe? Fucking drop down. You’re just asking for hands through the wall.

Colin:

You’re telling me none of them were shot? The wall looks like a Swiss cheese.

Colin:

THROUGH THE WALL WITH HANDS

Yeah… maybe you should have had him go first. Or even second. Put Apoc first, him second, and then everyone else on top.

I love that he’s about to be pulled through a wall.

Oh man, he’s powering up. SUPER SAIYAN MORPHEUS!

Colin:

It’s sad that if he had to be a character in DBZ, the Japanese would make him Mr. Popo.

Someone needs to clean that toilet.

And that wall.

Colin:

That’s AWESOME. You always yell before tackling someone through a wall.

I love how this shot holds, and how his legs just don’t move at all, and he just falls on top of him.

“OPTIMUS!”

“You must get Neo out! He’s all that matters!”

Just like the gypsy woman said.

Ashy Larry.

There they go. They know how to take orders.

“We can’t leave him!”

Gotcha, bitch!

LOVE this bit, with the tiling sliding down.

Colin:

My favorite shot of this bit is how they’re running their feet into the walls and it shows the tiles on the outside coming off where they’re pressing. That’s just a great idea for a shot.

Yeah… that fall, broke some legs.

Colin:

If they break a leg or something, or if they get slightly hurt, does leaving the Matrix reset all that? Like, dying is one thing. And getting beaten up by Smith later makes him spit blood. But what if you leave and come back? Are you still injured in the same way?

Colin:

I don’t love Switch, but she does come out firing like a boss. And Apoc with the barrel roll!

Somehow not hit at all during this.

UZI!

HOW THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS SWAT?!

SHE HAS A FUCKING HAND GUN!

These shots are what separate this movie from the sequels.

Colin:

That did not look fake at all. “Oh! I tripped! Yeah, you just go.”

I actually really like this shot.

Colin:

Is it just me, or was this shot also in Godzilla?

“The great Morpheus. We meet at last.”

Colin:

Lotion. Get them some lotion. 

Technically they met in that simulation.

“And you are?”

Colin:

“Dumbass Ashy Smith.”

“Smith. Agent Smith.”

“You all look the same to me.”

Why are your eyes so bloodshot?

Is it just me, or was this shot also in Godzilla?

This is the best way to show the supremacy of the agents. Have your most badass character get completely manhandled by one. Which proves how dangerous they are and how Neo should run when he sees one. Which makes the climactic fight all the more exciting.

HEADBUTT THAT MOTHERFUCKER!

Colin:

You broke his glasses!

He had those shits since the fourth grade.

I’ve always remembered that weird noise he makes when he gets grabbed here.

THIS FACE. Oh my god, this face.

Colin:

Bout to go from ashy to classy.

He looks like he’s got a pencil moustache.

HEADBUTT BATTLE!

This is like when your Pokémon run out of moves and start using Struggle.

Metapod vs. Metapod.

Colin:

Remember that episode of the anime? It was one of the first. Ash battled Samurai with his Metapod and beat a Pinsir by breaking his pincers. Then it’s Metapod on Metapod and they just keep hardening until some Beedrill show up and take Ash’s away. But I wanted to see that play out.

In what universe other than that show would you run into a Pinsir at the beginning of your game? I can’t run into a Pinsir when I’m trying to run into a Pinsir.

THIS MOVIE IS THE BEST FOR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

Is that the hole he came out of?

Colin:

That punch looked like Charlie Murphy kicking Rick James. And now he’s bleeding inside his chest.

I wanna do that one day. Be hit so hard I go flying backward into the wall.

Colin:

I was thrown into a wall once. You want strange things.

CUE THE CHRIS CORNELL!

What a badass.

Colin:

That’s how I get out of bed on Christmas morning.

That’s how I get out of bed every morning.

Wouldn’t it have been great if he just grabbed his leg and broke his femur with one hand?

His earpiece is still in? Are the other agents just letting him have this one?

THAT WAS BADASS. He punched his punch. And won.

AND HE BOXED HIS EARS.

Colin:

That can really mess you up. I liked that about the new Sherlock Holmes movies — how they brought the fighting back. And how Robert Downey Jr. says, ‘Discombobulate.’

THIS SHOT. He just pimp slapped the SHIT out of him.

Damn, he just fucked up his jaw AND that toilet.

So if they brick walled up the entire building, how do they get out? I guess it’s everything but the one entrance, so they have to go out through them.

Or… however they get out from the basement.

They never really do explain how they get out, do they?

Look at that. Kicked him so hard he stood up.

That’s great, though. Shook that shit off and came out swinging.

Seems like a dangerous position to put yourself in for a kick. Your entire midsection is open.

TO THE FACE!

And returned.

Remember when he was in Apocalypse Now?

Now we’ve ALL seen an agent punch through a brick wall.

Love a good kidney punch.

This is battered spouse cowering. This is where it gets disturbing.

Also, his tie is fucked up. I liked that tie.

Wasn’t he wearing brown pants in the wall?

Colin:

That’s a very peculiar sentence.

A HA that’s great. Wanna jump, fuck you then, I’ll just throw you across the room.

That’s badass. Knowing when you’ve won and just walking away.

Colin:

Wipe yourself off?

This is how police deal with all black people.

Colin:

Like the Rodney King of Queens.

They’re gonna sprinkly some crack on him.

SUBTLETY!

So that building hooked up to the sewers?

“Operator.”

Which makes me think — does he just take any old calls? Do people need to get patched into Aunt Catherine in Duluth and he pretends to be the operator? Or because he’s the operator, he’s like, “Yup, you got me”?

I’ve always wondered what this accident was about.

I guess he’s using it for Tank to pinpoint his location?

Also, what number are they dialing, exactly?

“Somebody up there still likes me.”

Colin:

So they HAD Cypher, but then they staged an accident so he had a pretense to be out of custody and out?

Is that what that was? That was a police van. And… I get it. No joke, that’s one of those things I never figured out. But that… sort of makes sense.

For some reason I always thought it was an ambulance. Still suspicious as shit, but eh.

Not sure why that thing is on fire, though.

How can you shoot jizz that high?

That often.

“Nearest exit is Franklin and Erie, an old TV repair shop.”

So they just have exit phones laying around? How does that work? Did someone go around town, planting them?

Also, this might be the only real map we get of Mega City.

Are they just watching the van burn? Is that what’s going on back there?

“Is Morpheus alive, Tank?”

“Yes, they’re moving him, I don’t know where to.”

“He’s alive.”

“We need an exit.”

“You’re not far from Cypher.”

“Cypher?”

“I know.”

Colin:

It’s a good thing nobody’s around, cause people don’t just bomb around like this.

Or you could go in through the front door.

Why don’t you guys do missions to install more phones into this place?

Colin:

He’s out and so…?

Shiftiness.

“Where are they?”

“Making the call.”

Colin:

Did they just have this thing kicking around? It’s just part of their arsenal on the ship, right?

Where’s Dozer during all this?

Colin:

Why the screen? It’s not even thermal imaging.

“You first, Neo.”

Colin:

ZAP YO DUMB ASS!

What possible purpose could that thing have just laying around? Sentinels don’t get into the ship that often, do they? Do you go outside a bunch? I don’t get why that was just underneath a blanket. So they could clean it and it could just go off?

That’s a giant hole in the shoulder.

YEAH! GET SOME!

So you were just chilling there?

“NOOO!””

Colin:

Dozer don’t like that. And we get the typical, “NooOoOooooOooo!”

That’s actually pretty perfect. Running out of frame.

Ricky, look out!

“I don’t know, it just went dead.”

I like how she checks it like, “I don’t trust that you’re not an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Either it works and you’re gonna get sucked up or it doesn’t and you won’t.

Colin:

She has some defined arms in this. This is still on the end of that whole Linda Hamilton jacked women phase.

So now she’s calling him on a cell phone because the land line stopped working. The Matrix actually gets weirdly complicated if you think about it enough.

Extra crispy.

Colin:

He died with a flappy hand.

He died doing what he loved — dinosaur poses.

Because that’s smart.

Colin:

Tank’s still breathing. You dropped the gun next to him. Maybe…not the best of plans?

Unconscious titties.

So how does that… actually, never mind. I don’t need to know.

“Hello, Trinity.”

“You know… for a long time, I thought I was in love with you.”

What better time?

“I used to dream about you. You’re a beautiful woman, Trinity. Too bad things had to turn out this way.”

Colin:

This is SUCH a good scene. The full Pantoliano. Sniffing bitches and taunting unconscious people.

That’s the FULL Pantoliano.

“You killed them.”

“What?”

“Oh god.”

“I’m tired, Trinity. Tired of this world, tired of fighting, I’m tired of this ship, being cold and eating the same goddamn goop every day.”

Colin:

I hope they shot this first so that Moss could remember how creepy it was with him this close.

“But most of all, I’m tired of that jackoff and all his bullshit.”

“Surprise, asshole. I bet you never saw this coming. Did ya?”

You mean, like… now, or…

“God, I wish I could be there. When they break you. I wish I could walk in just when it happens, so right then, you’d know it was me.”

Based on what we see later, he wouldn’t know shit when they broke him.

“You gave them Morpheus.”

Not really. I mean, he helped, but it wasn’t singularly him.

“He lied to us, Trinity. He tricked us.”

“If you would have told us the truth, we would have told you to shove that red pill right up your ass.”

“That is not true, Cypher, he set us free.”

“Free? You call this free?”

The rest of them just have to listen to this one-sided conversation, awkwardly.

“All I do is what he tells me to do. If I gotta choose between that and the Matrix, I choose the Matrix.”

Understandable. But why don’t you have a purpose other than doing what he tells you to do?

“The Matrix isn’t real!”

“I disagree, Trinity. I think the Matrix can be more real than this world.”

“All I do is pull the plug here.”

“And there, you have to watch Apoc die.”

Colin:

Aw, Apoc. Heh. Good thing we got so much character development for him.

“Welcome to the real world, huh, baby?”

“But you’re out, Cypher, you can’t go back.”

“That’s what you think. They’re gonna reinsert my body. I go to sleep, and when I wake up, I won’t remember a goddamn thing.”

You hope so.

“By the way, if you have anything terribly important to say to Switch, I suggest you say it now.”

It’s amazing how he knows exactly which order to kill the characters in.

“Not like this.”

“Not like this.”

No. Like this.

Colin:

Now that one, I always sort of enjoyed. Cause Switch was never cool. So yeah, like this.

“Too late.”

“God damn you, Cypher!”

“Don’t hate me, Trinity. I’m just a messenger.”

Colin:

The messenger killed you. Hah!

In Soviet Matrix…

“And right now, I’m gonna prove it to you.”

“If Morpheus was right, then there’s no way I can pull this plug.”

“I mean, if Neo’s the one, then there’d have to be some kind of a miracle to stop me.”

Or, you know… the guy you shot and left alive with the gun next to him.

“Right? I mean, how can he be the one, if he’s DEAD?”

Colin:

Some people make me happy.

The reason I love that delivery, aside from the fact that it’s awesome, is also because it always just reminds me of (and sounds like), “Maybe I’m off my hinges, but I believe ya. That’s why I’m gonna give you to the count of three, to get your lousy, lyin’, low down, four-flushing carcass out my door!”

Check out that product placement, which she subtly turns into the way of the camera.

“You never did answer me before, if you bought into Morpheus’s bullshit. Come on. All I want is a little yes or no.”

Colin:

Nokia used to be a thing.

I used to have a Nokia. This Nokia. No joke, I had that shit for years before I finally upgraded to the slide phone. Pretty sure I had that Nokia phone the first year of college. And then my sister kept that phone and was using it like four years later when she’d fuck up hers. That thing didn’t break for SHIT. That thing was once dropped off a ROLLER COASTER and was fine.

“Look into his eyes – those big, pretty eyes –”

“And tell me, yes or no.”

“Yes.”

“No! I don’t believe it.”

He says, wondering why that guy he left alive is about to kill him.

So in this moment, does he think it’s a miracle and have a religious moment before he gets incinerated to death?

“Believe it or not, you piece of shit, you’re still gonna burn.”

Colin:

Which is Tank’s ‘yippee-ki-yay motherfucker.’

And also vaguely religious, which is really annoying to me now.

Colin:

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Faces.

And bye bye to Joey Pants.

Colin:

You guys remember cumming for the first time?

Well those look important.

Man, get some more fiber in your bowl of snot.

This is what 1987 looked like in 1999.

Wait, what did he call from? Pantoliano had the headset.

Did she just cum?

Colin:

Did I mention I had sushi for lunch today?

Damn. She looks good in this shot. Is it just me?

“You’re hurt.”

“I’ll be all right.”

You got a fucking hole in your chest.

“Dozer?”

I hope what’s actually happening is, rather than him looking down and shaking his head, he’s actually leading her to look at the burnt, still smoking corpse of his brother, laying right at their feet.

Aww… too bad she doesn’t have any blue shit on hand.

Colin:

“Your brother’s dead. Want some blue shit? How about a hug over your gaping wound?” The dead will forever be memorialized with blue shit.

How About A Hug Over Your Gaping Wound?

Aww, yeah! The building.

Colin:

That’s an awesome helicopter shot.

Hello, Australia.

(Mulpha?)

Colin:

Don’t think I’ve ever heard of that company, but then, Australians name things strangely.

Best thing about this? The subtitle of that article.

“Have you ever stood and stared at it? Marveled at its beauty? It’s genius.”

I say that twice a week about my dick.

Colin:

I was going to say the Porsche 918, but yours is better. Not that I look at it. Never mind.

I like when people have full yards on rooftops.

Colin:

So, rich people. You’re saying you like rich people. We really should have all the money.

Not true. I like when people have that. I hate rich people. I like when rich people have that, because I can then hope they Denethor off of it.

“Billions of people just living out their lives, oblivious.”

Colin:

Hugo Weaving can say something with no emotion whatsoever, and in a complete monotone, and it comes out awesome.

“Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world, where none suffered. Where everyone would be happy.”

This is what school was like for me.

Nice shot.

“It was a disaster. No one would accept the program, entire crops were lost.”

Colin:

You have to wonder what they did to the first people they put in. Wiped memories, I guess. Actually, I just checked. Spent 15 minutes on the wiki. I have to say, I was unsure of what the ending of Revolutions meant, and now I wish I didn’t. Ugh. Never look at the wiki.

I like that he calls them crops.

As if their energy is powering him.

I mean, it kind of is. But not really.

“Some believed that we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world, but I believe that as a species, human beings define their reality through misery and suffering.”

Colin:

That’s such a cool idea. That they made it Utopia, and people were pissed off and started jumping off bridges. Humans like strife.

I like that he’s monologuing as the other guy is sticking shit in his neck.

Colin:

If you’re gonna stab someone with a syringe, that’s how to do it. Is it weird that something about these agents comes off as vaguely German to me? Mostly good-looking, precise, logical, and with the potential to be a bit brutal in exacting punishment.

“A perfect world is a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this.”

It looks like he took some shrapnel.

Everywhere.

“The peak of your civilization.”

Which is kind of funny, considering we peaked in the 90s. Socially… maybe. Technologically… ehh, kind of dated.

But I’ll admit that we also peaked at “All Star.”

Colin:

They never really get into this — so the Matrix was redesigned to this, the peak of civilization. So it’s ALWAYS 1999 in the Matrix? You’re born in 1999 and live your whole life in 1999? And your memories just keep getting reshuffled to match up with you being whatever age you are NOW in 1999? Is that how that works? They really don’t get into this, cause there’s no way to explain it. The Matrix follows the same timeline as the real world and everything, so it would pretty quickly be out of the window that they’re talking about. The only explanation is that you’re just always in 1999.

That’s not a bad thing.

But that means that forever and ever your number one hit on the radio is this:

I could live with that. I remember that year. All that music going on. I spent a lot of time playing Playstation and listening to shit like this:

Fuck, man, 1999 was the best. I’d be cool with doing that over again.

Also for the record:

• Seen a rich man beg ✓
• Seen a good man sin ✓
• Seen a tough man cry ✓
• Seen a loser win ✓
• Seen a sad man grin ✓
• Heard an honest man lie ✓
• Seen the good side of bad ✓
• Seen the downside of up ✓
• Seen everything between
• Licked the silver spoon ✓
• Drank from the golden cup
• Smoked the finest green
• Stroked the fattest dimes at least a couple of times before I broke their heart *
• Walk a mile in his shoes

(* Just once for me.)

Pretty soon I might actually know what it’s like.

“I say ‘your’ civilization because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became ‘our’ civilization, which is, of course, what this is all about.”

Colin:

This whole scene. Any scene with Weaving and Fishburne.

“Evolution, Morpheus. Evolution. Like the dinosaur.”

“Look out that window – you’ve had your time. The future is our world, Morpheus. The future is our time.”

Colin:

“Like the dinosaur.” That delivery. I’m not sure I can explain, in words, how happy Hugo Weaving makes me with his line delivery sometimes.

“There could be a problem.”

I guess they know Cypher is dead.

“What are they doing to him?”

“Breaking into his mind. It’s like hacking a computer, all it takes is time.”

“How much time?”

“Depends on the mind. But eventually it’ll crack, and his alpha patterns will change. From this—”

“To this.”

Apparently that’s the crazy display.

“If it does, Morpheus will tell them anything they want to know.”

Why is that setting just on your heart monitor like that?

Colin:

Why is Tank suddenly a neurologist?

“Well, what do they want?”

A thousand dollars in gold and fresh horses?

Colin:

I can’t see the words ‘I want’ and not start singing the Veruca Salt song, “I Want It Now.” You know she put out a sex tape later.

I’d laugh about this, but… well, you’ll see.

“The leader of every ship is given codes to Zion’s mainframe computer. If an agent got the codes and got into Zion’s mainframe, it could destroy us. We can’t let that happen.”

Aren’t you guys in the sewers? Just dump them overboard.

Colin:

I love that part of The Life Aquatic. Dump him over the other side.

“Trinity, Zion’s more important than me, or you, or even Morpheus.”

Colin:

Exposition. Hey, wait. They never show Tank die in this one, and then he’s dead in the next one. He’s totally cool right now, but in the next one, he’s dead.

Yeah. Tragic stampede at a rave. Went out just like Mufasa.

They never explain it, either. I remember they had that animated movie they did between the two, and I thought they’d explain it there… but no, never explained. I assume it’s for them to get black people in there. Or because they didn’t like the guy who played Tank, or he didn’t want to be in it. But they replaced him with his “brother-in-law” in the next two. Not that anyone really cared.

“Well there has to be something that we can do.”

“There is. We pull the plug.”

Colin:

This is where they need to set up the whole “exit” thing. Like how you can’t just pull the plug and be cool. They’re broadcasting their signal wirelessly. What if there’s a solar wind or something? They lose connectivity from the Matrix and die? This is all necessary for this plot to work, but it seems a little much.

“You’re gonna kill him.”

Hard to tell if this is a question or a statement. A question makes sense. A statement… not so much, based on what we just saw two scenes ago.

“Kill Morpheus.”

“We don’t have any other choice.”

Colin:

They’re giving his avatar drugs, but couldn’t Tank give him some anti-drug shit right there? Krieger Kleanse or something?

You think he knows that conversation is going on?

“Never send a human to do a machine’s job.”

So… were they really going to go through with Cypher’s offer? Or were they just pissed that he failed?

Colin:

Did you ever think that the machines could have just hacked the code themselves? That a code easy enough for a human to remember would be easy enough for them to come up with? Or to just run constant cyber attacks on it til they got it? Isn’t there a John Nash machine? A Beautiful CPU? How could they not figure out the code? Did you try ‘guest?’ It was ‘guest.’

“If indeed the insider has failed, they’ll sever the connection as soon as possible. Unless…”

“They’re dead. In either case…”

“We have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the sentinels.”

Colin:

I hate how they finish each other’s sentences. It’s only the other agents. Smith runs his shit. “Stay out of my sentences.”

You’re wiping your hand to pull the plug?

Colin:

Don’t touch another man’s forehead.

“Morpheus, you were more than a leader to us.”

“You were a father. We’ll miss you always.”

Colin:

Veg-e-ta-ble.

“Stop.”

“I don’t believe this is happening.”

“Neo, this has to be done.”

“Does it? I don’t know, I – this can’t be just coincidence, it can’t be.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The Oracle. She told me this would happen. She told me – that I would have to make a choice.”

Colin:

Maybe bring this up sooner?

“What choice?”

There’s never not a good time to just walk away instead of answering people.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going in.”

“No you’re not.”

Colin:

Brilliant. This is brilliant writing.

“I have to.”

“Neo, Morpheus sacrificed himself so that we could get you out. There’s no way you’re going back in.”

“Morpheus did what he did because he believed that I’m someone that I’m not.”

A HA this face.

“What?”

The questions are on the other foot now.

Colin:

Now she’s doing it? I’m going to throw up.

Cypher:

He’s gonna — oh, wait… I’m dead.

“I’m not the One, Trinity The Oracle hit me with that, too.”

Like, in the face?

“No, you have to be.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not. I’m just another guy.”

“No, Neo, that’s not true. It can’t be true.”

Colin:

Aw, it can’t be true cause she loves him. #bullshit

“Why?”

Maybe just fucking ANSWER him.

“Neo, this is loco. They’ve got Morpheus in a military controlled building. Even if you got inside, those are agents holding him. Three of them. I want Morpheus back too, but what you’re talking about is suicide.”

Colin:

This is loco? When did this become a Michael Bay movie?

Left cheek.

“I know that’s what it looks like, but it’s not. I can’t explain to you why it’s not… Morpheus believes something, and he was ready to give his life for what he believed, I understand that now.”

Why are you still talking about him in the past tense?

“That’s why I have to go.”

Colin:

I feel like that’s a great tagline for a laxative.

“Why?”

“Because I believe in something.”

“What?”

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

“I believe I can bring him back.”

Colin:

That whole monologue was the stupidest thing I think I’ve heard outside of the Twilight franchise. “What do you believe?” “I believe that I can bring him back.” Well no shit, fucknut, that’s what we’ve been discussing this whole time. That changes nothing.

Do they have panties in the real world? If so, she needs a new pair right now.

Look at that real world booty.

“What are you doing?”

“Going with you.”

Colin:

Wow. We’re really pushing the retard envelope here. “What are you doing?” You know what she’s doing. What else would she be doing? She’s doing the same shit you are. That’s not a panini maker.

It’s not? Aww.

Colin:

“I’m going with you.” Why are you justifying his idiocy with a straight response? “No you’re not.” Can we retire that line altogether? Twice in the span of a minute is too much for me to handle.

“No you’re not.”

“No? Let me tell you what I believe.”

I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

“I believe that Morpheus means more to me than he does to you.”

“I believe that if you’re really serious about saving him, you’re going to need my help. And since I am the ranking officer on this ship, if you don’t like it, I believe you can go to hell.”

Colin:

Pulling rank? Does that matter? Isn’t their whole thing about rebelling and not following orders?

Pretty weird how Tank was gonna kill Morpheus and didn’t ask the ranking officer’s opinion before he did it.

“Because you aren’t going anywhere else.”

No, he’s going inside the Matrix. He’s definitely going there.

“Tank – load us up.”

– – – – – – – – – –

And that’s the END OF PART IV. I’m getting really good at this teasing thing.

Tomorrow is Part V, and guns. Lots of guns.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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