Fun with Franchises: The Matrix (1999), Part V — “I’m Not One of Those Weirdos Who Knows About Leather”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the fifth part of The Matrix.

The Matrix - Title Card

We begin Part V with what might be the best scene in the entire film. Which is saying something.

The Matrix - 1929

Colin:

SWIVEL CHAIR!

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The Matrix - 1931

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had. During my time here.”

I love his pauses.

Colin:

Those are handses.

“It came to me when I tried to classify your species.”

Colin:

These scenes are probably my favorite in the franchise. Morpheus sitting there silently and Hugo Weaving just talks at him joyously.

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“Go on…”

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“I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops an equilibrium with the surrounding environment.”

He pronounced it “en-vi-ern-ment.”

“—but you humans do not.”

Colin:

He’s not wrong. Fuck other mammals.

Only when I’m really drunk. Wait, what were we talking about?

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This is what it’s like when the teacher starts lecturing.

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“You move to an area and you multiply. And multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area.”

Colin:

I guess? Some people just stay in the same place. And actually, this is true of the machines, as well. I read the wiki and saw what they did. They started a new nation called 01, on the Arabian Peninsula and just sucked up resources making shit for humans to buy until the world was in the middle of an economic crisis. Never read the wiki.

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“There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what is it?”

I can’t tell if he’s even aware of what’s going on right now.

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“A virus. Human beings are a disease. A cancer of this planet. You are a plague. And we are the cure.”

It’s pretty great how truthful that is, but also said in such a way that it’s still evil.

Colin:

A cancer of this planet, a plague. I was hoping for the word ‘blight,’ but these were great choices too.

Cure doesn’t seem like the right word here. Cause you’re still allowing them to multiply, no? So they’re still taking up space on the planet and you aren’t exactly fixing the earth in the process. So it’s probably more like Magic Johnson and AIDS. He’s never cured, but he doesn’t get worse, either. For that matter, since they handle the whole procreation part, do they get to decide who has babies? Like, they have to take some guy’s juice and sprinkle it on some girl’s egg to make the new baby in the real world — so they could decide not to do that. Is that why some people have such difficulty getting pregnant randomly? Or why some kids who aren’t careful enough and don’t use a condom end up getting pregnant? Cause some procreation facilitator robot is laughing its ass off at them? There are questions.

Colin:

Yeah, cure is the wrong answer here. They shouldn’t be using humans — this much is clear. There are so many more efficient forms of life to use as energy that wouldn’t require a war. As I said before, algae. How about cockroaches? Or just microbes? Some goop that makes energy and doesn’t need to be brainwashed. Apparently I’M smarter than the machines. So much for artificial intelligence.

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“Okay, so what do you need? Besides a miracle.”

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“Guns.”

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“Lots of guns.”

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Colin:

It’s cool that she has to step in to avoid being bowled over by a gun rack (Thanks for the bullshit anniversary gift, Stacey!), but you’d think that Tank wouldn’t set it up to do that in the first place. 

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Colin:

Did any of you ever play games like Starcraft or Age of Empires? Those over-world war strategy games? They let you create your own maps and put certain types of terrain down in any configuration you want. You would drop them on the map in pre-arranged patterns, like 4 palm trees or something like that. But wouldn’t you expect Tank to just drop a pile of guns next to them? This is a stupid number of guns. Did he just type in, “1,000,000 guns of various types,” or something like that? How did it know how to arrange them? Was it like Age of Empires, where a single one of these racks was a preset, and he put in “100 of those,” or something? Which would also be stupid. I can’t imagine any scenario where this would have just happened and made sense.

It’s like Oregon Trail. General Store.

100 Guns, 300 boxes of ammo, 12 oxen, 3 axles, and Steve.

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That’s more like it.

Colin:

I’m thinking about this from a programming perspective (I’m learning Python, like a jackass), and there’s so much you need to define in order for this to happen. Nothing can be arbitrary.

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“Neo, no one has ever done anything like this.”

Colin:

EXACTLY. This many guns, arbitrarily? Nobody would ever do this.

Do the agents fuck? Can you send the woman in the red dress in as a decoy?

Like as a strippergram or something?

Or for that matter, can you just program people designed to go into the Matrix just to take bullets for you? Because it’s all just programs. So write programs that can help you.

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“That’s why it’s going to work.”

I am a fan of this thinking. This is also my way of thinking. “Mike, that’s fucking crazy.” “Of course it is, so why shouldn’t it work?”

Colin:

Beyoncé had the answer to this. “I been drinkin’, I been drinkin’…”

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That’s one way to load a clip.

Colin:

Why would you karate chop an automatic weapon, other than it being awesome? 

Only in this movie can we ask the question, “Why would you karate chop an automatic weapon?”

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“Why isn’t the serum working?”

Colin:

He’s already had some MDMA and six doses of a tranquilizer developed for whale sharks. 

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“Perhaps we’re asking the wrong questions.”

He’s my least favorite agent.

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“Leave me with him.”

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Colin:

This is where they’re really good at making the machines have a human side. Suspicious glances, the need to be alone so you can do something you’re not supposed to be doing.

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“Now.”

I guess he’s the big dick. And they’re the two little wincey faggot balls.

Colin:

He DOES use a Desert Eagle.

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Right?

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Morpheus has Matrix herpes.

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“Hold on, Morpheus.”

Motherfucker, he can’t hear you.

Also, if someone is drunk piloting and crashes into their ship, can the plug accidentally come out?

What if Tank tripped over it right now? Sad trombone music and credits.

Colin:

I bet they have the biggest jumble of extension cords and power strips.

But for that matter, do you think your brain jack gets loose after years and years of heavy use, in and out, in and out? Do they get aging porn star br-anuses?

That’s what I’m calling the hole. The br-anus. I guess the very end would be the think-ter. 

I’m also not sure if he follows that sentence up with, “I’m coming for you,” “They’re coming for you,” or “We’re coming for you.” Because really only one of those things is happening right now. Though it does seem like he clearly says “They’re coming,” after that. So I guess he did say it correctly and isn’t a dick.

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“Can you hear me, Morpheus?”

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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“I’m going to be honest with you.”

Uh oh… glasses are off.

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And the earpiece. Uh oh.

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“I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This… reality. Whatever you want to call it. I can’t stand it any longer.”

Colin:

I don’t think I need to keep talking about how awesome Hugo Weaving is.

You don’t “need” to. But… like Nicholson with money and pussy… he just likes it.

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“It’s the smell.”

:(

Colin:

I say this exact line with this exact inflection at least once a week, every week. Nobody understands me.

:(

“If there is such a thing.”

:(

“I feel saturated by it.”

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“I can taste your stink.”

What about his cunt?

Briony:

What’s the worst word you can possibly imagine?

Colin loves her.

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“Every time I do, I fear that I’ve somehow been infected by it, it’s repulsive.”

I love how he says ‘it’s repulsive.’

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Well that’s mean.

Colin:

I think it’s the way he holds his hand. It’s not like a “smell my finger” thing. There’s never anything good about this. It has the air of insertion.

The Air of Insertion.

Sounds like a shampoo flavor.

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Well that’s probably not good.

Colin:

Morpheus’ eyes roll back into his head as he smells his own head sweat. That’s gross.

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Colin:

Eww, you’re touching more of the head sweat.

“I must get out of here. I must get free. And in this mind is the key. My key. Once Zion is destroyed, there is no need for me to be here. Do you understand?”

Colin:

Oooh, got a little Megatron right there! “DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”

It’s actually pretty great how this franchise got him work in all those other franchises.

You might say he’s just… Weaving in and out of franchises.

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

Look at that, though. That is copious head sweat.

Copius head sweat is how I would describe myself sexually.

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“I need the codes. I have to get inside Zion. And you have to tell me how. You’re going to tell me, or you’re going to die.”

Colin:

This is really great, though. They could just be machines and want to destroy everything, but this one has a legit personality and other motivations. That’s above par for this kind of movie. And since it’s Weaving, it’s believable.

And then Morpheus Helen Keller’s at the end of the scene. Which is a nice touch.

Colin:

Helen had nothing if not a nice touch.

Over the course of her life, Helen Keller touched many people.

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Pretty much from this shot on, things get badass.

Just seeing this right here, you get excited.

The amount of times I’ve seen this in 15 years…

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Yeah, boy!

Steel-toed boots, too. Don’t wanna get one of those piggies shot off.

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I’m pretty sure we all went nuts the first time we saw this.

Colin:

Ah. This scene. I remember this scene being cited in the aftermath of the Columbine shooting.

Obviously not as much as the one in A Night at the Roxbury.

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Think you got enough guys for one lobby?

Also, look at that guy on the left. He’s not taking this very seriously.

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Colin:

Is that thing showing how much metal you have by how many red bars? Cause this guy should be alarmed.

I’ll do it for him.

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“Will you please remove any metallic items you’re carrying. Keys, loose change…”

Colin:

Notice how in this shot his jacket is open and he’s not wearing any of the insane leather holsters he has on in a second.

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Shifty ass A-rab.

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“Holy shit!”

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That would be me.

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Colin:

I don’t understand the criss cross. Why not just hold them out so you have the most control?

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That’s one way to cut out an article.

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The Matrix - 1994

That guy was on the left before, and now he’s diving in the line of fire.

Colin:

Sucks for them. They’re just doing their jobs.

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The Matrix - 1996

“Backup! Send backup!”

You had a cell phone? For 1999, that wasn’t automatic.

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Not the backup they had in mind.

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The Matrix - 1999

Colin:

Lots of vertical shots in this franchise.

And yet, when done right, vertical shots are amazing.

Colin:

How about some of those wipes? Lucas has enough to go around.

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Just another day at the office.

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They mobilize fast.

Colin:

That is such a great shot. Not to sound like Tarantino, but…more feet?

I think you only sound like Tarantino if there’s an exclamation point on the end of that sentence.

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The Matrix - 2005

Colin:

Those guys showed up quickly. They’re all ready to go. You think they were all in the break room, eating Chef Boyardee or something?

But how do they know what it really tastes like?

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“Freeze!”

Said the mix between Christian Slater and Clint Howard.

(In case you guys forgot, I’m really good at this.)

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And here’s the part where, every time I watch this movie, I feel my the hairs rise on my arm, because of how goddamn awesome this scene is.

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It’s gonna be hard to say things during this. Even if we want to. Because it’s just so great to watch, I want to just let it happen and applaud at the end.

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I like how easy he’s like – okay, new guns.

Colin:

Did he ever do marksmanship? We know he can fight, but all of a sudden he’s a boss with guns, too? I mean, not complaining at all. What a scene. But still.

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The Matrix - 2020

They have enough guys. Really, there shouldn’t ever be an end to the wall of bullets being lobbied at that column.

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Does no one work here?

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Yeah… she should still have been shot like three times there.

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Always fix the sunglasses.

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Oh… never run out of bullets. Rookie mistake.

Colin:

People always go nuts with bullets. I’m a bullet conservationist. You’re gonna need those.

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Colin:

She just knocked you out stone cold, Steve!

She also said “Hiya!” as she did it. Who are you, Kimberly?

The Matrix - 2035

Colin:

All those holes in the wall reminded me of the 1935 Three Stooges short, The Three Little Beers. Basically, the Stooges are beer delivery guys, and they go to deliver a load of beer to this golf course and find out that there’s a tournament on for $100. So they start playing golf and fuck up everything. It’s hilarious, and basically sets up the whole Caddyshack messing with the groundskeeper thing. Moe’s trying to hit a ball and leaves like 50 divots in this beautiful green. And yeah. That’s what the wall looks like. So that’s why I saw this image and imagined Moe Howard on the wall in 1930s golf attire.

Who else thinks of shit like this?

That’s why these articles work.

The Matrix - 2036

Yeah… not sure how that one missed.

The Matrix - 2037

How is she able to move in that?

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Just waiting it out.

The Matrix - 2040

All right, time to go.

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Colin:

I love these shots. All of these shots with shells hitting the floor. Watching all of this overt action, I think I’ve grown to appreciate stuff that isn’t shown. More filmmakers should recognize the flavor that comes with a shot like this.

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The Matrix - 2045

All these people have Matrix families.

Which is weird, to think that people have families, meanwhile in the real world, their wives and kids are in some pod in another field, waiting to get eaten by the machines.

Colin:

That’s true. I often thought about that. It sucks that they have to kill all these people who’re just trying to make a living and think they’re fighting terrorism. That should be addressed. But I like that they don’t try to sugarcoat the whole thing by devising some way to not kill them cause we could NEVER have the main characters kill innocent people to achieve their ultimate goal.

How does that work? Are there Matrix funerals? Do these people grieve? Or are they so plugged into the system that they just keep going on with their lives? Presumably it’s built to be the regular world. But we never see like, a Matrix cop funeral, with the cars and the bagpipes and shit.

The Matrix - 2046

The Matrix - 2047

This stuf must have taken weeks to shoot.

Colin:

But how worth it was it? Totally worth it, if you were unsure. I can’t tell you how many times I watched this scene over and over. I’d get to the end when Trinity slides to the side to pick up the bag before they get in the elevator and rewind my VHS tape (I had two copies, for whatever reason) back to the guard saying, “Holy shit!” I probably watched it 5 or so times every time I had the movie on, which was a lot. And weirdly, I’m not into guns and deplore all real gun violence. Just…what a scene.

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The Matrix - 2050

 Colin:

Everyone knows that bootprint. Everyone had that bootprint. I’ve seen that in the snow so many times.

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Redman, indeed.

The Matrix - 2056

‘ello, Poppit.

The Matrix - 2057

Colin:

This part always threw me a little bit because they did most of it in slow motion, but she shoots and pumps the shotgun twice after it returns to normal speed, and it looks clumsy and uncoordinated. 

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Colin:

This moment. This was SUCH a good moment. The music stopped for one second as he grabs the gun; you hear it scraping on the floor as he picks it up, and then he’s doing fucking cartwheel and shooting multiple dudes in slow motion as the music kicks in again. Seriously. Bad. Ass.

This movie won Oscars for Editing, Sound Mixing, Sound Editing and Visual Effects.

This movie won the second most Oscars that year, one behind American Beauty (which won Picture, Director, Actor, Screenplay and Cinematography). So essentially, all of the major Oscars that year were won by those two movies. Which are essentially the same.

This movie deserved every award it won, though. This sequence is perfection.

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The Matrix - 2066

Those are big chunks of wall down there. Is that what happens when you fire into slabs or marble like that?

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Such a dumb thing to do, but so worth it for the awesome factor.

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The Matrix - 2072

Aren’t you guys wearing armor and shit?

The Matrix - 2073

I love the amount of dust and rock that are flying. That’s what makes this feel real. You don’t get this at all in action movies anymore. Ever.

Any movie that brings this type of stuff back is gonna be a successful movie.

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The Matrix - 2076

I love it. Just toss away the gun.

Having grown up in the days of GoldenEye and Grand Theft Auto, the first thirty or so times I watched this, I was always like, “Why would you get rid of a gun like that?” Because you never just give away weapons. It takes a lot to get out of that mindset.

Colin:

Having played games like that and Diablo, I was always in the mindset that you’d have like 20 weapons at any time. But that would be too much baggage. Diablo fans just clapped.

The Matrix - 2077

The Matrix - 2078

Keanu looks at guns.

The Matrix - 2079

Wait, what’s behind that wall? The rest of the building? Can he just run there and be free? Or is that the bathroom?

I’m not really sure of the spatial relations here, but I don’t really care, because this is great.

The Matrix - 2080

Not yet not yet not yet.

The Matrix - 2081

Now.

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The Matrix - 2083

The way he walks here is so funny to me.

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That’s what ends the scene.

So this guy is alive, still.

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He’s all the way by the elevator. Trinity’s all the way back there.

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Colin:

I have this thing while watching movies where, if one of the bad guys is dispatched in hand-to-hand combat, I get uncomfortable. You only knocked him out. This guy’s handled cause of the bomb that they’re about to detonate, but you know what I’m talking about. There are so many cases of this in a movie where the protagonist karate chops someone and then moves on. I’m always like, “Right…but what happens when he wakes up in 15 minutes?”

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The Matrix - 2095

I love the little slide across the floor.

Colin:

I waited for this moment and then started rewinding to watch again.

The Matrix - 2096

Good thing he asked for lots of guns, and not “a few.”

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The Matrix - 2098

“Lift.” This isn’t America.

The Matrix - 2099

What’s on levels 2-39?

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I appreciate them not cutting inside the elevator to a muzak version of “The Girl from Ipanema” playing as they wait.

Colin:

The Blues Brothers did it best. You’re not stealing from them.

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Colin:

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

I also always loved that touch. The piece of the column falling. That’s one of those moments you get real lucky with when you shoot and decide to use in the final edit. And those are always the little things that make your movie work even more than it already does.

The Matrix - 2104

Look at all that metal.

And he’s got a goodie bag of torture materials on there.

What’s in that next room over? The way this room is set up — it’s hallway, outer office, inner office. And now there’s this other door? Is there an inner inner office to this place?

The Matrix - 2105

“What were you doing?”

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The Matrix - 2107

“He doesn’t know.”

Colin:

They are so human, though. “He doesn’t know.” There’s so much depth in that line. We don’t even know these agents, really, but they have great interactions with one another.

The Matrix - 2108

“Know what?”

Colin:

These guys are the perfect balance of machine and human. I love it. Franchises need to be on this level.

Yup.

The Matrix - 2109

Thank you, elevator, for letting me know we’re going up.

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What if they brought along a gimp?

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Ah, a bomb. I guess cause… they don’t want anyone else showing up, or…?

Is the bomb ever explained?

The Matrix - 2115

Colin:

Wait, there are EXPRESS elevators? That’s why mine take so long. I’ve been on the local.

“Stand clear of the closing doors, please.”

How come these elevators don’t have a Pagoda?

The Matrix - 2116

So, did Tank make that C-4, or…?

Colin:

That always looked to me like one of those syringe guns that people would use to inject a disease or a vaccine into someone. Chimera or Bellerophon, basically. Speaking of which, what about THAT franchise?

Police Academy?

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Colin:

Leg.

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Colin:

It kills me that the same shot occurred in Revenge of the Sith.

And so did one coming up, too.

And I think we mentioned it at the time.

The Matrix - 2120

“I think they’re trying to save him.”

I can’t hear this and not think Chappelle. “I think those black guys are gonna try and save us.”

Colin:

Holy fuck. I heard the Chappelle bit and thought of this, the first time I heard it.

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The Matrix - 2122

So that snapped you out of the drugs?

I mean, look at you. All that herpes and head sweat.

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Yes, let’s watch as I shoot the elevator.

Maybe he’ll win  a stuffed animal.

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Colin:

Snuggle on up, there, darlin’.

Maybe you should have done that sooner, since the expected result is what’s  about to happen.

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“There is no spoon.”

Colin:

Fuck you.

“There Is No Spoon.” “Fuck You.”

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The Matrix - 2131

Just like Obi-Wan and Anakin.

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So how do you know what floor to get off?

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That CG building looks way more put together than the one we just saw.

Colin:

That elevator went right back down to where they were, but when we get the explosion shot, there are no dead guys and no broken columns or anything. Details, guys. Details.

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The Matrix - 2139

Why is the door flying like Indiana Jones in the fridge?

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The Matrix - 2142

This moment is hilarious. No dialogue. Just sprinklers.

Colin:

I don’t know why, but the exasperation in their faces always reminded me of that moment in the original The Producers when Franz is trying to kill himself and the gun jams and he says, “Boy, when things go wrong!”

But also, wouldn’t they have been alerted to the alarm downstairs? Wouldn’t they have known to show up downstairs by taking over one of the military dudes?

The Matrix - 2143

“Find them and destroy them.”

The Matrix - 2144

The person he changes into, does he show up in the room, all wet? I bet his day gets ruined.

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Look at the way Trinity’s punching that guy.

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Colin:

I like the nice karate chop going on here. Who the hell came up with the word ‘chop,’ by the way?

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I love a good gun whip to the face.

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Colin:

hahahahahahahahahaha look how gay his hand is

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Just like Titanic.

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Maybe shoot, and not stay in that fucking stance.

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Colin:

Nice throw. Not enough throwing knives in things. Or James Coburn.

James Coburn won an Oscar ten days before this movie came out.

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Agent time, bitches.

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I like that he doesn’t hesitate? Agent? All right, turn around and start firing.

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Doesn’t it looked like there’s a parked yacht behind the roof of this building?

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His legs aren’t moving at all. Shoot those.

Colin:

This was always my thought, but still. When you saw this for the first time. Goddamn.

The Matrix - 2174

What do you think it was like for this guy to shoot this?

The Matrix - 2175

What if that agent were played by Ciaran Hinds?

Colin:

They probably hadn’t considered it then, but Hinds-ight is 20/20.

Also, isn’t it weird that he’s unloading a high-powered pistol at this guy, and the bullets are passing through, and not doing anything to the glass building right behind him?

The Matrix - 2176

Your teeth are fucked up.

The Matrix - 2177

The Matrix - 2178

“Trinity!”

The Matrix - 2179

“Help!”

The Matrix - 2180

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Colin:

This shit was the shit. Remember this? Every kid was trying to do this shit on the playground and we all wound up falling backwards into the sand. And when it’s not in slo-mo, you just look like an idiot trying to do the backstroke on land.

The Matrix - 2190

The Matrix - 2191

The Matrix - 2192

The Matrix - 2193

The Matrix - 2194

The Matrix - 2195

The cameraman just died.

The Matrix - 2196

The Matrix - 2197

The Matrix - 2198

The Matrix - 2199

The Matrix - 2200

The Matrix - 2201

Aon is a risk management company.

The Matrix - 2202

The Matrix - 2203

“Only human.”

Maybe say that as you fire.

The Matrix - 2204

How do you not clock her during all this?

The Matrix - 2205

“Dodge this.”

She’s weirdly apathetic as she says that.

The Matrix - 2206

Colin:

I really am the only person who notices spatial stuff. He was facing the camera the way we’re looking now. Between the closeup and this shot, he turned 90 degrees and got launched backwards even though he should have gone sideways.

Maybe he went to turn to fire as she fired?

The Matrix - 2207

That’s a lot of brain spatter that just isn’t there.

The Matrix - 2208

If she’s down wind, all of that blood is just gonna fly right back into her.

The Matrix - 2209

Do they light up when they change back?

Also, boobies.

The Matrix - 2210

The Matrix - 2211

Colin:

And now the hole is in the front of the guy’s forehead, even though she had the gun at his temple. Oh well. He also TOTALLY looks like a guy named Kim.

The Matrix - 2212

Kim Jong dead.

Which makes me think… wouldn’t that be an awesome thing for a French band to do before a song. Count in, “Kim Jong un, deux, trois, quatre!”

Colin:

I’ve been calling Kim Jong Un’s kid Kim Jong Deux ever since he was announced. What else would you call him?

The Matrix - 2213

The Matrix - 2214

The Matrix - 2215

“How did you do that?”

The Matrix - 2216

“Do what?”

I want to wallpaper my house with Keanu’s reaction shots.

“You moved like they do. I’ve never seen anyone move that fast.”

The Matrix - 2217

“Wasn’t fast enough.”

Colin:

…not an answer to her question, but…

The Matrix - 2218

“Can you fly that thing?”

The Matrix - 2219

“Not yet.”

The Matrix - 2220

The Matrix - 2221

“Tank, I need a pilot program for a B-212 helicopter.”

You know what type it is?

The Matrix - 2222

The Matrix - 2223

Of course. He just has one of those laying around. Even with his programmer dead.

Colin:

I’m gonna make people angry with this, but that’s the wrong helicopter on the screen. I pay attention to vehicle details. Look at the helicopter they’re about to fly — it has an overhead engine with exhaust ports under the rotor. This one does not. Different helicopter. Seriously, guys? You had to rent a helicopter and you couldn’t even get the spinning computer model correct?

Wait, what was Dozer’s job?

Switch and Apoc — okay, muscle. Sure. Mouse clearly made all the programs and stuff. What did Dozer do? Just be Tank’s brother? Co-pilot? And Cypher? What was his purpose? Were they the grease monkeys on the ship?

(What’s funny is I think I added this same question earlier on in the articles. Though it was done in a later round of riffing, if that makes sense. That paragraph was written when I watched the film.)

It’s also funny how there were nine people in this crew originally.

And then once Neo became Jesus, the crew became four. Four people.

And not to get ahead of myself, I thought they were “saving more minds than ever” in the later movies. Just because you have Jesus means you don’t need a bigger crew?

The Matrix - 2224

The Matrix - 2225

The Matrix - 2226

The Matrix - 2227

“Let’s go.”

That was always badass to me. I want to learn shit like that.

Colin:

That’s…too fast. He learned all those martial arts move by move. It takes hundreds of hours to learn to fly a helicopter. Isn’t that a bit much?

Also, in all your time in the resistance or whatever it is — never learned to fly a helicopter? Any kind?

The Matrix - 2228

The Matrix - 2229

Colin:

See how there’s clearly an engine ahead of the tail? That wasn’t on the screen. Am I really the only person that notices this shit? I guess it’s cause we have shots. But c’mon people.

The Matrix - 2230

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The Matrix - 2234

Oh yeah.

My favorite shot in the entire film is coming up.

The Matrix - 2235

“No.”

I love that they track in just for that.

So worth it.

The Matrix - 2236

The Matrix - 2237

Colin:

“No.” “YEAH!” 

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The Matrix - 2239

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Colin:

Kinda crazy that this helicopter has a minigun on it, though, huh? That’s not a standard feature.

Doesn’t that throw off the balance a little bit?

Especially if, you know, you were programmed to learn how to fly it like, a minute ago?

That also could not have possibly been on that helicopter based on all the shots we saw of it on the roof.

The Matrix - 2242

The Matrix - 2243

This look so fake yet so awesome at the same time.

Colin:

I dunno. Have you seen a real minigun? They LOOK fake. This is why one of the most badass planes in the whole US arsenal is the A-10 Warthog. A squadron of them fly out of the airbase near my hometown — it’s like a flying tank with a minigun in the nose. They’re insane. The thing fires 3,900 rounds per minute.

I just meant the shot.

It’s like he’s in front of a green screen. Yet looks amazing at the same time.

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Colin:

All of this is awesome.

The Matrix - 2253

Oh, we’re getting there. These shots are amazing.

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The Matrix - 2255

The Matrix - 2256

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The Matrix - 2258

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The Matrix - 2262

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The Matrix - 2266

Bam. Favorite shot in the film. To me, no shot is more memorable than this one. This is 1a for the shots list for me. There is no better shot in this entire movie.

Colin:

Everything he said. My favorite shot. I love that we match up on this.

The Matrix - 2267

The Matrix - 2268

The Matrix - 2269

That’s a shame. He wasn’t even in the action. That dude could have been sitting in the cafeteria, eating chicken salad, and bam, now he’s dead.

I bet he was three weeks away from a pension.

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The Matrix - 2271

Always liked that shot, too. These shots really do add flavor to the whole thing.

The Matrix - 2272

The Matrix - 2273

How did they not hit him that entire time?

The Matrix - 2274

The Matrix - 2275

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The Matrix - 2277

“Morpheus, get up.”

The Matrix - 2278

The Matrix - 2279

You heard that?

The Matrix - 2280

The Matrix - 2281

The Matrix - 2282

Yeah, pretty sure that’s how that works.

The Matrix - 2283

Wait, so were those cops just standing outside the door while all the bullets were flying? What the fuck are they being paid for?

Colin:

Wait, these guards were just standing right outside? You didn’t even move when you heard the room getting torn up by a fucking minigun? That might be something to look into, fellas.

The Matrix - 2284

The Matrix - 2285

The Matrix - 2286

In 1999, Morpheus escaped Shawshank prison.

The Matrix - 2287

Weird how that serum shit just wore off like that.

Colin:

You didn’t have to break the cuffs, dude. It’s called a safe word.

It’s probably Nebuchadnezzar.

The Matrix - 2288

The Matrix - 2289

The Matrix - 2290

Another great shot. The door opening and pushing all the water, which somehow just accumulated on the floor like that.

The Matrix - 2291

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The Matrix - 2294

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The Matrix - 2296

Colin:

He doesn’t run, he just starts firing into the wall. It’s awesome having a villain that keeps his head and calculates. He’s like Beckett was in that respect. I loved Beckett. Pirates had good villains.

He’s also really smart. Shoot low, aim for the legs so he can’t go anywhere and isn’t dead.

The Matrix - 2297

The Matrix - 2298

Glorious shot.

Colin:

The problem is, once again, nobody’s paying attention to angles. They come in facing the helicopter, albeit on the other side of this wall. The shots are going through the wall, perpendicular. There’s no way to do that from where Smith is standing.

The Matrix - 2299

The Matrix - 2300

The Matrix - 2301

The Matrix - 2302

The Matrix - 2303

The Matrix - 2304

Another glorious shot.

The Matrix - 2305

The Matrix - 2306

The Matrix - 2307

Facial expressions.

The Matrix - 2308

“He’s not gonna make it.”

The Matrix - 2309

The Matrix - 2310

Colin:

Sorry, where are his cuffs?

The Matrix - 2311

The Matrix - 2312

The Matrix - 2313

The Matrix - 2314

The Matrix - 2315

The Matrix - 2316

Colin:

Well, NOW we have cuffs.

The Matrix - 2317

“Gotcha.”

The Matrix - 2318

“Goddamn, son.”

The Matrix - 2319

GodDAMN, son!”

The Matrix - 2320

The Matrix - 2321

Yeah, maybe go.

The Matrix - 2322

The Matrix - 2323

The Matrix - 2324

The Matrix - 2325

The Matrix - 2326

The Matrix - 2327

Colin:

Why wouldn’t you shoot THEM? They’re dangling. They’re at the mercy of gravity.

The Matrix - 2328

Colin:

I think that’s bad for the helicopter.

I like the red fuel with the green tint.

The Matrix - 2329

That… looks like a guy pilot.

The Matrix - 2330

The Matrix - 2331

The Matrix - 2332

The Matrix - 2333

The Matrix - 2334

The Matrix - 2335

Never let go, Jack.

The Matrix - 2336

The Matrix - 2337

The Matrix - 2338

Clearly not them.

The Matrix - 2339

So clearly not them.

The Matrix - 2340

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The Matrix - 2344

The Matrix - 2345

The Matrix - 2346

Colin:

That can’t have felt good, landing on that from that height after having been shot in the fucking leg.

The Matrix - 2347

The Matrix - 2348

The Matrix - 2349

The Matrix - 2350

At least these apartments look like people live there.

The Matrix - 2351

The Matrix - 2352

The Matrix - 2353

The Matrix - 2354

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The Matrix - 2356

Colin:

Oh, he’s totally gay for her. 

The Matrix - 2357

The Matrix - 2358

The Matrix - 2359

The Matrix - 2360

“I got this.”

Colin:

That’s a crazy fast movement. He twirled that shit so fast in comparison with the helicopter rotors as it’s going down. And still, no reflection in the building?

The Matrix - 2361

This face.

The Matrix - 2362

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The Matrix - 2366

The Matrix - 2367

Did she know he was gonna do this?

The Matrix - 2368

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The Matrix - 2370

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The Matrix - 2372

The Matrix - 2373

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Colin:

Pretty badass. 

The Matrix - 2375

The Matrix - 2376

The Matrix - 2377

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The Matrix - 2379

Colin:

Love the ripples. Does everything do that? For a split second, I guess it does that in the real world too. This is like in Jackass 3D when they had the super slo-mo camera taking pictures of people getting punched in the face. The shockwaves jiggling everything.

The Matrix - 2380

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The Matrix - 2388

Love this shot. Her coming toward the building and the glass breaking in front of the camera. This is real filmmaking.

The Matrix - 2389

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The Matrix - 2391

That’s a gas explosion.

This is the realest looking explosion I’ve seen in a franchise movie, post-1990, not made Christopher Nolan or Michael Bay.

The Matrix - 2392

The Matrix - 2393

The Matrix - 2394

I love the lingering here. Just watching her bounce against this building a couple times. No reason.

Colin:

She’s shinier than the building.

The Matrix - 2395

“I knew it. He’s the One.”

Colin:

No, Tank, you didn’t know it. You doubted him. Fess up.

The Matrix - 2396

The Matrix - 2397

The Matrix - 2398

Her Matrix panties are soaked.

The Matrix - 2399

I LOVE the way he sidles up here. Like, “Yeah… I told you that shit was true all along.”

Look at that face. He’s gonna get laid the rest of his life off of this.

“Do you believe it now, Trinity?”

The Matrix - 2400

Pretty sure she believed it all along. 

Plus, him being the one pretty much is decided by her. If she wants to fuck Tank, this movie ends right here.

The Matrix - 2401

“Morpheus – the Oracle – she told me –”

The Matrix - 2402

“She told you exactly what you needed to hear. That’s all.”

He needed to hear that he was a failure?

The Matrix - 2403

Colin:

oh shit son she lied to you so you would do the right thing whaaa

“Neo, sooner or later, you’re going to realize just as I did – there’s a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.”

Yeah, but she didn’t tell him the path. She told him, “That path you’re supposed to walk, you ain’t gonna walk it.” That’s not even remotely related to what she told him.

The Matrix - 2404

“Operator?”

“Tank.”

“Goddamn, it’s good to hear your voice, sir.”

Colin:

Eh, he’s right there. You could go sit on top of him and move his lips and pretend he’s talking. “Tank! You are so awesome and kewl!” “Sir, really!”

It’s even better how Morpheus just kind of awkwardly is like… “Yeah… huh… kind of need an exit, Tank. … but thanks.”

“Need an exit.”

So we’re not gonna bring up the fact that Tank wanted to kill him twenty minutes ago?

“Got one ready. Subway station. State and Balbo.”

The Matrix - 2405

The Matrix - 2406

The Matrix - 2407

The Matrix - 2408

Colin:

This makes a great sound. He twists the leather and you can hear it making whatever creaking noise leather makes. I don’t know, I’m not one of those weirdos who knows about leather.

A HA HA HA HA I’m not one of those weirdos who knows about leather.

That’s the best.

The Wachowskis will definitely prove that they are those weirdos who know about leather.

The Matrix - 2409

“Damn it.”

The Matrix - 2410

“The trace was completed.”

“We have their position.”

“The sentinels are standing by.”

“Order the strike.”

Colin:

Notice the sign behind them. We know this is in Australia because what the fuck is ‘Authorised Personnel?’

The Matrix - 2411

“They’re not out yet.”

What’s actually nice about this is we see Smith breaking away from the rest of them. It’s really subtle, but actually really great character development.

They’re going by the book and doing all that, but he’s starting to think more and do things outside the box. It’s actually pretty great how they designed him.

– – – – – – – – –

And that’s where we’ll END PART V. Because oh yeah, we’re going six parts, motherfucker.

Tomorrow is Part VI, and the fight we’re all waiting for.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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