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Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Reloaded (2003), Part I — “Ha Ha, You Got Cockblocked By Being the Messiah”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Reloaded.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the first part of The Matrix Reloaded.

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The Matrix - Warner Bros. Logo

Oh shit… it’s The Matrix Reloaded. You guys know what that means?

Puns. We need lots of puns.

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What’s with that single line of code? Is that like the single tear?

Is this the Crying Indian film?

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Oh, now it just be raining code up in here.

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Colin:

What sounds are these? Why do things sound like this? Is this what the future sounds like?

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What happened to the first one? Why did it need to be Reloaded? Was the system running slowly? Did they have to force reboot? Did The Matrix get the spinning wheel of death? (Or for you PC users – which… at this point… why? – the blue screen?)

Colin:

I’ll go on-record as a PC person and let you know that the Matrix is probably on a PC, because it’s about control. Anyone trying to control what they’re doing uses a PC (or Linux, which is even more likely) because you can always get under the hood without consulting a “genius.” My computer is almost exactly like a top-spec Mac Air, but it has a touchscreen. And that’s the answer to your “why” — laziness and money.

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We’re going in the O this time.

So I guess that’s an… O-face.

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Oh, see what they subtly did there? Now we’re in 3D code. Or, as it’s also known, coddde.

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 Colin:

What’s with the green shit? Why are all the numbers and the code green? I thought machines would be into grayscale. I get that there were computer screens like this back in the day, but it’s a pretty retro aesthetic to be trying to emulate way in the future. Not only that, but if you consider just how much data is present and in constant flux within a system like the Matrix, it becomes absurd to even store or display it as symbols. Can you tell that this all took place before quantum computing was a thing?

Still, I guess it’s just an aesthetic, and I do like it. It doesn’t necessarily have to make sense, but I’m going to talk about it either way.

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I love that this franchise is another example of special effects getting better as it goes on. This one isn’t that drastic a change, since the first one was revolutionary, and was only four years prior to this one (though that was a pretty substantial gap in the realm of special effects). It’s not like Harry Potter, where if you look at that first movie, and what that opening scene looked like, and then what the final movie looked like, and it’s light years.

Colin:

This movie did come at an interesting time in CG. This fast zoom-out is reminding me of the end of Men in Black, when the camera flies through space through nebulas and shit. But when I think about it, it’s probably more like the credits sequences of the Spider-man movies, with all the weird webs and stuff. Is it just me, or are there a lot of credit sequences like this these days?

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Enter the Matrix Void.

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This is your brain on The Matrix.

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I like this, but it doesn’t make a lick of sense based on what we know about the code.

I guess it’s more like guidelines.

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They’re literally just showing off right now. “Hey, look what we can do!”

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I know they’re going to (sort of) answer this question later… but what would a Matrix porn look like?

“Yeah, baby, suck my code dick.”

“Aww… I just Asian symbol’d all over your face!”

Colin:

That’s what regular porn looks like here.

Except here, the money shot is in bullet time.

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I think I read somewhere that Keanu Reeves made a literal fortune off this movie because he invested all his money into the effects companies that were making it, and when they took off, he got all Scrooge McDuck rich.

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Somebody had to have drawn a line in all of this code that just says, “Fuck you, Shawn.” They had to have.

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What if your apartment looked like Matrix code?

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Is this supposed to make us feel like we can read the code now? Or are they really just showing off?

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Colin:

People eat this shit up. It started with a point, but as you zoom out, it was just a tiny part of a massive organ, all working in unison. And that, in turn, is just a cog in the gargantuan machine that we then see, which actually turns out to be a pussy little clock. This is exactly how I felt watching the 2008 Beijing Olympic opening ceremony. Let’s see what Mike does with that.

They still have the Olympics?

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I like how that looks a lot like shit from the first movie looked.

There won’t be too much of that after this.

Colin:

That’s cause it was the 90s. Remember how there was that weird phase in the 90s when the side of every building had a logo in a modern, block sans-serif? And how when you look back after studying design, it feels a bit weird because the architecture was already getting into that postmodern realm, and the logos felt off? I see lettering like this, and [lack of] color like this, and it’s all 90s. Black, white and silver — the only choices for anything in the late 90s. 

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Aww… they pretend like people still do that and like it’s not electronic now.

Colin:

Old school punch-clocks are awesome. One of my jobs here in Japan used them, but they weren’t as fun because they were digital and they sucked in your timecard to tentacle rape the date and time onto it. I like ones like this cause they’re so analog. That sound is so satisfying.

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Hey… all you assholes aren’t punching out.

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“See you tomorrow.”

As you all know… I’m big on first lines. A good first line can say everything about your story. Or, it could be, “See you tomorrow.”

No, you won’t. You won’t see him tomorrow. Because how can you be at work… if you’re DEAD?!

Colin:

Being a security guard must suck for anyone who doesn’t have that mindset. If you care about the job and pay attention to what’s going on, power to you. But if not, you’re just standing there doing nothing. Or worse, sitting. That’s how you fall asleep.

I’ve noticed recently that a lot of the security guards in Japan are pudgy or even full-on fat, in a country where everyone’s skinny as hell. I think it’s because they have to stand in place all day everyday and never do anything. Even working a desk job, you get up and move around. They just have to stand there and think about how hungry they are, and there’s never any issue with anything because it’s Japan. Which is good, cause the fat guards ain’t running.

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Aww… dude… and you’re not even getting paid for this.

Colin:

Who looks when they hear the smashing sound? I look when I hear the engine revving like that. You know when you hear an engine revving that something interesting is happening. Maybe I’m just a guy who likes vehicles. Boys just enjoy it when shit changes its velocity.

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Colin:

I call bullshit. That broke a metal barrier? Yeah right. You go flying over the handlebars and the bike flips, MAYBE. Remember when he did this in Skyfall during the opening chase? He launched himself over the railing with his bike because that shit clearly wasn’t breaking. And that was a Turkish railing. C’mon.

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Colin:

AND, later on, we see her starting the bike right there and just busting over the barrier, so there’s no big lead up. How is she THERE with the bike? Every other time, they need to be in front of a phone, don’t they? That’s how it works — you get in through the phone and leave through the phone. But this time, she just materializes on the bike that they hacked in, and she goes. What’s that?

Laziness and money.

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This seems unlikely.

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Colin:

Okay, they’re back to their old tricks with the aerial shots. I like that. And a backflip off a motorcycle. Not too bad.

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Apparently when objects hit other objects in the Matrix, they just explode.

Colin: 

Did that bike run on explosives? What was that about?

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Too sterile. I liked when thinks looked practical.

Colin: 

Who lands like that? That looks like she should have broken her right knee and shat out her lungs on that landing.

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Oh good… he’s running. I’m glad. He doesn’t get paid enough to die.

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I’m glad they survived.

Also, how high the fuck up is that loading ramp? How the fuck is it not being kept clear?

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Colin: 

Seriously, did they rig the bike with explosives to do this? Cause shit does not blow up like that. Was this little security hut also storing propane tanks? Aw, the punch-clock got blown up.

Sometimes you gotta take out crack factories.

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‘Oh my god.”

Congrats on the SAG card, buddy!

Colin: 

The typical “random civilian dude from the Matrix turns around in shock at some shit our protagonists do” shot.

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It’s always this bitch.

Wait… is this the IRS d-base?

Colin:

I hate that they call it the d-base. If you’re abbreviating something while speaking, it better be more than one syllable longer than your abbreviation.

A lot of things are longer than my abbreviation.

My abbreviation is average size.

But it’s really all about the context and how I use it.

I’d also like to point out that she was wearing sunglasses underneath that bicycle helmet at night.

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Atonement - 8

Right, though?

Also, really? Heroic music?

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Two guys are riding out in a cop car? And are the other two just carpooling?

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Your license plate has only five numbers on it.

Also, you know she’s just… D.A.R.E.ing you to make a move right now.

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Why are you doing this off the clock?

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Really? This bitch just blew up the fucking guard tower and you’re gonna take a swing at her?

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And that’s strike one.

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And you need a new nose.

Colin:

I don’t know why they would do shit. You either die or end up in the hospital with severe injuries, no doubt. If someone jumped a railing and blew up my guard station with a motorcycle while sticking the landing from a 50 foot drop onto concrete, I’m stepping aside, cause you know what? They’ve earned it.

See, to me, the whole thing is — they’re not on the clock. That’s my main reason for not doing shit.

Also, they have guns, don’t they? And she’s like, five feet away from some of them. If I’m doing anything, it’s something smarter than what these guys are doing.

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And so do you.

Colin: 

Moss kicking cops’ asses is the Kristen Stewart voiceover of this franchise.

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That’s one way to… punch a clock.

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All right, there, Rafiki, calm down with the camera movement.

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Colin: 

She’s getting her money’s worth out of that helmet, anyway. Not like she really needed it for when she was on the bike.

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Colin: 

Always with the slo-mo in the air.

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This shot just makes you all look like assholes. Just… aim up.

Seriously, you all have nightsticks and probably guns. She has a bike helmet. You shouldn’t be this mismatched.

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Oh good, let’s play the Matrix “theme” here to specify, “Hey, we’re doing exactly what we did in the first movie, just a little differently, but with enough similarities so you can all geek out again.

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Although… still glad they’re not dead.

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She must be fun in bed.

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And the drop of the helmet. Repeated shot.

Colin: 

More shots of the person’s feet as they drop something, though I guess it’s usually a gun. The Wachowskis really have their shot types, don’t they?

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I see she upgraded over the past four years.

How’s that two-year contract working out for ya, Trin?

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“I’m in.”

Colin: 

Now why do they call to say they’re in? She’s calling Link, right? He knows she’s in, he’s watching her blow shit up and rough up security guards. We see later that she just talked to him before the jump, too, so it’s like…what’s with the phone call?

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Colin:

Wouldn’t they go into the Matrix to have sex? You don’t have all those weird holes, no chance of STDs or pregnancy…seems like an all-brainer.

Show me that scene. With them sneaking off to go plug in for a quickie.

Also, the Matrix junkie, who goes to the chair every ten minutes.

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And… we’re out. Because that makes sense.

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Matrix dust. That’s PCP, baby.

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Colin: 

Jumping through time. That’s a good effect.

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The Tron movie took this exact same shot and used it for its opening. Not that anyone remembers that but me.

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Also… pretty sure no one actually does live here.

Though it does save them the trouble of having to digitally add people, which always looks horribly fake.

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Always a good way to go.

Well I guess this opening making sense just went… out the window.

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Wow… weird how fake this looks and how no one is behind her.

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Oh, wait… I can see feet. I retract the second half of that statement.

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What if that was Keanu’s boss’s office?

(Then this would be a 2014 movie.)

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So fake. So fake.

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I’ll hand it to the first movie. The computers may be outdated, but the action holds up.

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Colin: 

Those are chunky guns.

Chunky guns is a great band name.

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Colin: 

Hey, smile.

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You know you have nowhere to go but down, right, Wiley?

Colin: 

What did you hope to gain by this? It’s not like you were gonna shoot the agent chasing you on the way to the ground and then figure something else out before you hit. You just committed to death. I don’t even know why he follows her. It’s like, “Yeah, go ahead and jump, you dumb bitch. Good luck with that. I’m gonna go have a toaster strudel.”

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Weird how this guy has schematics to the building in his office.

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That guy is ex-Marine.

Also, the light is on across the way. Somebody’s working over there.

I wonder if the El Salvadorian cleaning people are like, “¿Qué Coño?”

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Two phone books.

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Now imagine if that weren’t CG, and we followed a dude as he jumped out the window in a single shot. How badass that would be.

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How exactly can you dodge five bullets mid-fall?

Colin:

What, like the end of November? Is it easier to dodge bullets in October?

I’m sorry, I thought I was typing that into google. My bad.

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This opening is so inconsequential. Then again… considering what happens here as compared to the first one… fine.

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Colin: 

Once again, there are no cars on the street and no people around. There are never any real people around for shit like this. On the one hand, I like that cause it makes the world look very abstract and makes it more believable as a fake system, but on the other hand, it sort of neuters the whole ‘humans as oblivious slaves’ thing. If we don’t see people, we’re not reminded of how they’re all innocent victims in all this. Is it cause this is Neo’s dream?

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You guys really suck at shooting.

And at not being computer generated.

Colin: 

He can’t dodge in the air and you’ve fired like 1000 bullets. How are you missing him? How is he missing her? They both suck at shooting.

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Colin: 

I wanted them to do a redo of the shot from the first movie where the shells are falling from the helicopter, where Trinity and the agent and all the glass would be falling toward the screen. But no such luck.

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Also… this is how you die. Have you considered that? Pretty soon you’re gonna be a… Holy Trinity.

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Has anyone thought of grappling hooks or anything like that? You can produce lots of guns, so why not something that will keep her from plunging to her death?

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Uh oh. Medium shot. This is the bullet that’s gonna connect.

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The slow motion also helps.

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Isn’t it great how shot structure works?

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Also weird how they don’t wear Kevlar. Considering how they can move how they want and there’s no air or anything.

Colin: 

You would think that if they’re super strong or fast or whatever in the Matrix, they could load some fucking Kevlar and wear that shit. Or INVENT something and hack it in, like a carbon-fiber full-body bulletproof suit. Those things actually exist now.

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That’s the “I’ve been shot” face. And also the, “You stuck it in my butt without telling me” face.

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Colin: 

Hah. I always enjoy Trinity getting shot.

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Wow. One person just happened to be driving by at this exact moment.

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Keanu was dreaming about the end of the movie.

Apparently being the One also makes you clairvoyant.

Colin: 

It was all a dream. Fuck you. At least they tell us this shit is HAPPENING, though.

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Nope… still there. Although it must be cold. Her plugs are sticking out.

Colin: 

Do her in the arm socket.

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What’s the over/under on his first line? Two words?

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Dude… wash your fucking clothes.

Also, what’s that about? One last look. Fuck you. You were just in bed with her. You know what she looks like. She’s still gonna be there.

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Those kind of look like my freshman dorm sheets.

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Wait… they’re still on the Nebuchadnezzar? Does that ship have double rooms? Did they just redo the whole thing to accommodate them sleeping together? Or was that Tank and Dozer’s bed?

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Shop showing off. I don’t care what you can do.

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Colin: 

We never really see any defensive capabilities of these ships in the first two movies, do we? They’re always just sitting ducks. One sentinel shows up and you’re pretty much screwed.

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“We’re almost there.”

Where? Metaphorically?

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“Sir, are you sure about this?”

RANDOM BLACK GUY!

Everyone in the audience just went, “Who the hell is he?” And they will indulge you, since the next sentence out of Laurence Fishburne’s mouth will include his name.

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“I told you, we’re going to be all right.”

Wow. That’s ballsy. You mean you’re not feeding exposition like we’re children. I guess there really is… no spoon.

Colin: 

Fishburne looks forward and says things.

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Link (that’s his name. I’m not waiting for the movie to reveal it. Apparently all operators have four word names) is sensing some serious sentinel activity up ahead.

Clearly not that serious. If Morpheus don’t got the beanie on, shit ain’t got real yet.

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Colin: 

The ships are cool, though. I just don’t see how you’d control that shit that well. Hovercrafts are a nightmare to control.

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Colin: 

Hey remember Die Another Day? That had hovercrafts! What if the North Koreans were never in the Matrix cause they were so behind in technology and shit? What if there was like, Zion and Pyongyang? Or maybe Zion is below Pyongyang, because they had to go somewhere the machines wouldn’t have pull.

Great way to start any sentence. “Hey, remember Die Another Day?”

Also, subtitle.

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Rave lights on.

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Oh, look, we can see them in there now.

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Sometimes, you have too many toys.

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“Link –”

There we go.

“Given your situation, I can’t fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate on board my ship.”

But we don’t. And we almost never will, really.

Colin: 

Good for them, putting two black people together in a scene and not making it…urban.

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“However, if you wish to continue to do so, I must ask you to do one thing.”

“What’s that, sir?”

“Do you like movies with gladiators in them?”

“That you must trust me.”

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“Yes, sir. I will, sir.”

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That look.

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“I mean I do, sir.”

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“You’re fucking right you do.”

Colin: 

Ohhhh he gonna FUCK YOU UP.

“Now repatch the main AC to the hard drives and stand by to broadcast.”

That was great. That’s right, motherfucker. Now do work.

This is what having the power is like.

Colin: 

They’re broadcasting wirelessly, which is insane. That’s so much data. This also means that if your signal cuts out, they die. All of a sudden, you need to reset your router. Or the connection slows down and all of a sudden Neo’s Matrix self looks like Mr. Game and Watch.

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Weird cut. Lot of weird and underwhelming transitions in this one.

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What the fuck is that entrance, Trinity? That’s the kind of walk and sit-down your buddy has when he’s like, “All right then… us, Thompson, two fifths of whiskey and a live goat…”

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“Hey, bro… sup, bro?”

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She sits down, he drinks a cup of coffee. This could be an Ionesco.

Colin: 

Oh, good. The two of them talking. I hate all of these scenes. She’s dramatic and he’s dramatic and DUMB.

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“Still can’t sleep?”

She says this as something between a question and a statement.

But the best part?

Keanu doesn’t say anything! He just shakes his head! For the first time, they didn’t go in for Colin’s least favorite part about this character – monosyllabic responses that often come in the form of questions.

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“You wanna talk?”

Holy shit. That’s the look sociopathic mothers give to their mistakes.

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Dude, she just asked if you wanted to talk, what the fuck is that look about?

“They’re just dreams.”

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Wow. Her facial expression here is incredible. The little eye flicker she does. That’s pure, “I don’t give a single fuck about what you’re saying right now, but goddamnit if I’m not gonna look like this is the most interesting shit in the world.”

“If you’re afraid of something –”

Again… not quite question, not quite statement. And it’s getting harder to decipher which one it’s supposed to be.

Colin: 

Yeah, we get it, you’re there for him. This is brilliant dialogue, by the way.

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“I just wish – I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do.”

The way he reads this line, the dash is audible.

“That’s all. I just wish I knew.”

This is his character arc for this movie. “I wish I knew what all this shit means.” And his arc is… he finds that out.

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“She’s gonna call. Don’t worry.”

Look at those fucking dead eyes she’s giving him. Holy shit. Is this scene in the movie to show just how bad these actors are? Did they deliberately use all the bad takes for this? She looks like she’s on opium, and he’s on shrooms.

Also, this conversation is fucking hilarious if you isolate the dialogue and picture it with completely different participants in a completely different situation.

  • “Still can’t sleep?… You wanna talk?”
  • “They’re just dreams.”
  • “If you’re afraid of something-”
  • “I just wish – I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do. That’s all. I just wish I knew.”
  • “She’s gonna call. Don’t worry.”

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“Here you are.”

Where the fuck else would they be?

Is there anywhere else to be on this ship except on the deck, in your room, or in the food room with the snot spigots?

Also… where the hell did they get coffee from? I thought you only ate jizz soup?

“Are we ready to go?”

“We’re already late.”

That’s a black thing, isn’t it?

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Colin: 

Jada. As high-profile as this was by 2003, I’m amazed her husband didn’t end up with it.

He turned it down. They offered him the first one and he said no.

And made Wild Wild West instead.

So yeah.

Anyway…

“These geo therms confirm the last transmission of the Osiris.’

Okay, so… couple of things…

First… ‘geo therms.’ Ugh.

Second… am I the only one who saw her show up and immediately thought she and Morpheus were gonna be a thing? It’s crazy how one line and her presence is all it takes. It’s not like you want to be racist and assume they’re gonna be a thing… but they also are gonna be a thing.

Third… ODB hair.

“The machines are digging.”

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What’s with all that water? And who brought the whole light set up?

Did they have to wait to start the meeting while the Mouses of the ships set up the mag lights?

What’s with the dude holding the gun? This seems excessive, for a room full of people capable of combat.

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“They’re boring from the surface straight down to Zion.”

Remember how the first movie had people who looked Matrix-y? This movie feels like it has hipster Matrix people. Like, this is what people thought Matrix people dressed like.

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Ugh. And the movie does that thing where three people ask questions back to back to back. Like agents. Everyone asks her questions. Like she’s the only one with answers.

Colin: 

This meeting has no order.

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Seriously. Look at these people.

These are the weirdos who know about weather.

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Basically they come up with the fact that there are a quarter million sentinels out there.

“That can’t be.”

“Why not?”

Colin: 

A lot of these movies is me going, “Wait, wait, wait. You could wear absolutely anything you want while you’re there, and you chose THAT?

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Of course they cut to her.

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Oh shit, son. Comin’ in with a bandit hat and a pimp entrance.

Colin: 

Morpheus, arriving at exactly the right time to set stupid people straight.

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This shot.

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“A sentinel for every man, woman and child in Zion.”

Colin: 

I like it when they do something like this. That was exposition, but we just found out Zion’s population in an indirect, natural way.

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“That sounds exactly like the thinking of a machine to me.”

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“Morpheus, glad you could make it.”

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“Niobe.”

See?

Colin: 

This is the first in a long string of people saying each other’s names in an annoying way. Shot, reverse shot, trading names. Please stop.

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They ain’t even subtle about it. They’re black, so they have to be together. It’s like when we try to make the pandas fuck at the zoo.

Colin: 

Reaction shot from Jada. Only, in this case it isn’t the key to comedy. Must be for some other reason.

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“My apologies to all.”

He got caught up with some punani.

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It’s difficult finding good broadcast positions.

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And again, people just overlap one another. It comes off way too much like dialogue reading.

Also, what’s with the dude in the Hawaiian shirt in the back?

“Look at me – I am the Matrix now.”

They’re gonna evacuate and return to Zion. As per the orders of Commander Lock. The first movie didn’t have this. Introducing people before we see them. You get the sense that, even though it was, the universe wasn’t any bigger than where we were in the first movie. Here, they’ve already mentioned Osiris, Commander Lock… there’s this lingering bigger world they’re only just hinting at, rather than just showing us everything. This is the kind of stuff Marvel does that I hate.

Colin: 

Dropping names left and right. Commander Lock? Sounds like a dick. Nobody nice has that name.

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“Yeah… and what the fuck are you gonna do after that?”

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“Motherfucker, what did you say?”

(Right, though?)

“A strategy is still being formed.”

“By who?”

“Me and three other guys.”

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“I’m sure it is.”

Everybody can hear the silent dick slap.

The Matrix is apparently green and black.

Colin: 

Hah. Morpheus is such a dick, so obviously. He just doesn’t give a fuck.

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This is where the pizza guy gets shanked.

Colin: 

I always look into this shit for trivia purposes, but this Audi has plates that say IS 5416, which corresponds to Isaiah 54:16. “Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his worth; and I have created the waster to destroy.” So you get it as an Easter egg that it’s gonna be Smith. I didn’t realize they put any further religious crap in this, other than the obvious.

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Colin: 

Also, it’s 2003. Can’t you do better than an Audi A8?

Weird how they have 2003 model cars when the world was modeled on 1999.

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He can smell your cunt.

Colin: 

Squirrel?

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“What is it?”

“I don’t know.”

REALLY?!

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He gives a speech. Some people believe him, some don’t. He needs help.

Colin: 

Y’all hate Morpheus’ religious bullshit too?

He says the prophecy will soon be fulfilled. Because if a franchise goes long enough, there will be a prophecy. And a council. Don’t forget that rule.

“The Oracle must be consulted.”

What’s stopping you?

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This could have been a badass shot.

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He’s saying they should go to Zion to recharge, and then be back within 36 hours. Which sounds like him telling them to go to Zion so we can go to Zion. I’m not really sensing a purpose for him to go to Zion.

And he’s asking another ship to take their place here in case the Oracle tries to contact them. So basically, “We wanna go vacation in Zion. One of you needs to stay here to deal with our business.”

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He’s telling someone to disobey a direct order.

“That’s right. I am. But we well know that the reason most of us are here is because of our affinity for disobedience.”

Colin: 

He has a good point. I like that. “We all break rules, motherfucker. That’s why we’re here.”

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And when he gets there and is thrown in the stockade by Lock?

(They still have stockades?)

“He won’t.”

I guess then he’d… Lock him up and throw away the key.

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“Goddamn, Morpheus, you ain’t never gonna change. Shit, I’ll do it just to see what that boy does to you.”

Colin: 

This black guy who’s volunteering should have been played by Michael Jai White. That’d have been awesome.

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“What’s the password?”

“New England Clam Chowder.”

“Is that the red or the white?”

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“I’m looking for Neo.”

YEAH, BOY! If you can differentiate voices, you know who that is. Of course, we won’t officially see him for a while, but this is still exciting.

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“Never heard of him.”

Colin: 

Everyone in this franchise wears their sunglasses at all times. Remember when that was a thing?

“I have something for him. A gift.”

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“You see, he set me free.”

Mescaline, man….

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Colin: 

You don’t take whatever that is. That’s a bad idea. Also, if you say you’ve never heard of someone and then accept a ‘gift’ on their behalf, that looks weird.

Also, why the fuck would anyone be dropping anything off? This is completely bizarre. No one seems to live in this world. Why would some random come knocking on a door that just happens to be at the building where a secret meeting is happening?

This guy needs to get fired.

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“Who was that?”

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Colin:

I love this pair. I want this pair to have their own miniseries. The dumbass white guy and the big black dude with a sawed off shotgun. These guys are awesome.

“How did you know someone was here?”

Colin: 

People ask irrelevant questions. “How did you know?” “I’m the One. Do I need to answer this shit? Answer my question first.”

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“He gave you this.”

So you just give it to him? What if it’s anthrax?

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“He said you set him free.”

The music is way more in your face this time.

Colin: 

Ew, that’s got his machine ear wax on it.

What did it used to plug into?

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“Is everything all right, sir?”

Colin: 

Why do they call him ‘sir?’ What’s that all about? Does he have a rank? I thought it was just captains and first mates of ships and then everyone else just working for them. Presumably these guys are also working on ships that are taking part in the meeting, so they’d be the same as him, no? Or is it JUST for him?

“The meeting is over. Retreat to your exits. Agents are coming.”

One if by land, two if by sea, and if by Matrix, just fucking run.

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Colin: 

That door clearly isn’t made of adamantium or mithril.

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LET A NIGGA IN!

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Colin: 

Where do they get all these Don Draper types?

At the… Agency?

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“Hi, you fellas.”

Colin:

The ‘Hiya, fellas’ is a nice touch. He doesn’t give a fuck. You’re agents, but he’s still gonna slap you in the face with his dick without his feet leaving the ground.

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“It’s him.”

“The anomaly.”

“Do we proceed?”

“Yes.”

“He is still–”

“Only human.”

Ugh.

Not the finishing each other’s sentences. I’ve come to accept that. The “only human” repeat.

Colin: 

And they still finish each other’s sentences.

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“Hmm… upgrades.”

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Colin: 

I was always into this fight, even though it’s just whatever agents. He fights Smith a few times later, but this was the one I was most into because it looked the most real and had a good song behind it. You also see him totally in his element.

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Colin: 

We still never see them do any super-fast shit like Smith did in the first movie. If they’re upgrades, shouldn’t they be zooming around and punching at mach 3?

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That was cool.

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Colin: 

Also, why did agents show up again? Smith isn’t working for them anymore…he’s separate. So why would him showing up cause agents to then appear?

Maybe someone at the meeting was pulling a Matt Damon with the phone in his pocket.

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This is a nice touch. It’s basically a repeat of the end of the lobby fight, but it’s still nice.

Colin: 

Interesting shot of the light falling. I didn’t even notice the sound that went with it the first time.

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Just a taste. And it shows just how badass he’s become now.

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Is Smith just round the corner? What’s that shot about?

Is he actually just there, listening in?

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Colin: 

This is my ‘gonna take a shit now’ pose.

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This is the point where we cease to be able to relate to him as a character.

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YEAH, BOY!

“That went as expected.”

Colin: 

And now Smith is BACK. I don’t get it. They aren’t affiliated anymore. He’s not an agent anymore…why did he show up, then other agents and now Smith again?

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“It’s happening exactly as before.”

“Well not exactly.”

Colin:

But either way, thank god Hugo Weaving is back.

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Colin:

Was I the only one waiting for him to kiss the other Hugo Weaving? I bet they do that.

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“What happened back there, Link?”

“I can’t figure it out, sir. Agents came out of nowhere. And then the code got all weird. An encryption I’ve never seen.”

Colin: 

It’s still weird to me that they have to call to talk to Link. They’re right there, and the brain is connected to the ears. Couldn’t Link just go over and talk to them like the Ying Yang Twins?

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“Is Neo okay?”

“Okay? Shit. Morpheus, you should have seen him.”

“Where is he now?”

“He’s doing his Superman thing.”

How do you know what Superman is?

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It’s all computer generated. There’s less personality this way.

Colin: 

Hooray for obvious CG.

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This looks awful.

Why did you think this was a good idea?

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Nice framing.

Colin: 

The hallway shot is nice. Symmetry with graffiti. Cool.

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There are no spoons.

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“Where are you?”

HA HA HA HA HA.

Colin: 

Yeah, ask a question. LAME.

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Approaching Zion.

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I mean, nice computers and all, but you’re just thrusting us into shit now. We’re just…at Zion. You know how big a deal this was last movie?

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Colin: 

Now WHY would these people be plugged in for this? If you think about it for a second, it makes zero sense. The technology that it takes to do this could be easily replaced with a simple touchscreen system or whatever. Then you have to consider that they’re plugged in, meaning that any hiccup in power or connection kills everyone unnecessarily. And then take a look at her moving shit around. I swear, they just had someone touching air randomly and then changed it with CG. She’s moving individual icons like 3 inches on a huge holo screen and changing basically nothing.

Regardless, this is all to give us something to look at rather than something that has any logical basis. It’s not even like they’re doing things differently within the system than they would in real life — just have them ACTUALLY sitting there doing EXACTLY what they’re doing on REAL screens. This is silly.

Never considered that. Why the fuck are they plugged in? This looks more like a construct than the actual Matrix. But even so, very strange.

I’m guessing just so they could make something look like this.

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“Welcome home.”

“No place like it.”

There really are an abundance of references in this movie that these people just wouldn’t know.

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Now imagine if you actually built half of these sets.

Colin:

Who the fuck built this?

Also a good question.

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Too many things in the candy jar.

Colin: 

I want one of those. That’s like in Dexter’s Lab when Dexter was in Japan and fought the Japanese kids with gundam suits.

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James Cameron saw this and went, “I’m gonna steal this and put it in a better movie.”

He was half right.

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So, we’re in Zion. It looks fake, so we don’t give a shit about it.

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Man, they really want you to know there are more black people in this movie.

Colin: 

See? That guy that said, “Understood.” He was the one who should have done ALL of this. In fact, why did you even cut to him? What was the purpose of that? He’s the one who’s actually there LOOKING at what’s happening. All you did with that cut was show me that you should have had someone else doing this whole thing.

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What is this, the Right Stuff?

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Colin: 

Oh shit, the Emperor is here?

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“Other guy.”

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“Morpheus.”

His name is actually captain Mifune. Because sometimes references are not subtle.

“Are you here to escort me to the stockade, Captain?”

“I’m just here to keep the peace.”

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“Commander Lock demands…”

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“What I tell you about that shit, motherfucker?”

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Look at that face.

“Requests, your immediate council, sir.”

Colin: 

They’re having their banter, and this mouth-breather cuts in. His voice is ridiculous and who the FUCK says ‘DEMANDS?’ Nobody says that. This was clumsy. Like they tried to hard to make this guy look menacing and then make him backtrack awkwardly to show that it’s a nuanced situation.

Also, how awful is it when movies do this? Someone starts saying something and there’s a cut to someone else who stops them from finishing the sentence. Only, in the time it takes them to do the cut and for you to register what’s happening, there’s been a full second pause between the person saying something and the other guy clearing his throat. So it ends up looking and sounding like the guy said something, stopped where he was supposed to, and then someone responded by clearing his throat.

I hate this guy. This is possibly my least favorite person in the whole film.

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“Hold my shit.”

He wants the ship ready to leave as soon as humanly possible. You gotta be ready to squalay at any given moment.

Colin: 

They’re recharging the ship…wouldn’t they have thought of swappable cores? Rather than charging the ship, you just eject one core, load another and go? Tesla figured this out, but it was too much for Zion.

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Right, like he can’t easily fuck them up. Plus, it’s a BRIDGE. One push and half those guys are down before they know what happened.

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Wait… he stepped forward. My Keanu senses tell me a question is coming.

“What is it between them?”

It’s Jada.

I also like, and I’m sure Colin does as well, how she says, “Niobe,” and he has to throw in, “Captain Niobe?” No, motherfucker. Another Niobe we haven’t met.

Colin: 

“CAPTAIN Niobe?” “Clumsy exposition?” Now we’ve had her name three times and we’ve already seen that she’s in a leadership position. This is just absurd.

Anyway, she used to dance the mattress jig with Morpheus.

“Now she’s with Lock.”

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“What happened?”

GODDAMNIT, KEANU.

Basically Morpheus went to the Oracle and got religion and stopped banging Niobe.

“Yeah, she can do that.”

Really, because, she did the opposite to you.

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“Neo!”

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“How does he always know?”

“Doesn’t he have anything better to do?”

He answered a question with a question.

Colin: 

Don’t YOU guys have anything better to do than swap this pointless dialogue to further what is basically an in-joke at this point?

“You know what they say about the life you save.”

Am I in Ocean’s Twelve? Is this a lost in translation?

“I didn’t save his life.”

So what? It was just dumb luck? You were gonna let him get killed?

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“Hiya, Neo.”

Jesus. The new Mouse.

They’re gonna show you with this one why they killed off Mouse, and how much better it was that they did.

Colin: 

Well this fuck has a face you want to punch.

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Look at his fucking sandals.

He wants to carry Neo’s bags.

Neo declines. As does Trinity.

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“You can carry these.”

Was that racist? I wanna feel like that was racist.

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Colin: 

That’s fun. The fuck offers to help the people he idolizes, gets turned down and then ends up as a mule for the black guy who he totally wasn’t going to offer help for in the first place. If the black guy is Link(y), I guess that makes him Stinky.

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“You know… next year I’m old enough to join a crew.”

But Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru won’t let you?

“I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I’ve made my decision.”

“Let me guess…”

“I wanna join the Nebudchadnezzar.”

Colin: 

This is one of those non-decisions. He’s given it a lot of thought? Bullshit. This is clearly what he’s always wanted and he’s only given it like 2 minutes of thought total. This is like a kid being like, “I’ve thought about it, and I want to be an astronaut for NASA.” No, you haven’t thought a lot about it, and just because you wish it don’t make it so, kid. If you’d thought a lot about it, you’d probably want to be a CPA.

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That’s a perfect “Hmmm” face if I ever didn’t see one.

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“I know Morpheus hasn’t filled the other crew positions except for you, Link. I’m sure he has his reasons, but, the more I think about it, the more I think it’s meant to be. It’s fate. You’re the reason I’m here, Neo.”

Colin: 

Fate’s some dumb shit, ain’t it?

Subtitle.

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“I told you, kid, you found me, I didn’t find you.”

Apparently Neo got him out.

“You saved yourself.”

At least it wasn’t a question.

Colin: 

This kid has already been around a long time, it seems like. This is all playing out like it’s old hat for them, and Neo supposedly got him out…so when is this taking place? How long has it been since the events of the first film? Why is Smith only just now contacting him? Why does Neo still need to ask questions about Morpheus and Niobe if it’s been that long?

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Colin: 

Awkward.

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“Morpheus.”

Damn, that took a while.

“Commander Lock.”

Colin: 

Fuck this name swapping thing. Can we give it a rest?

“I’ve spoken to the other captains, and I wanted to give you a chance to explain your actions.”

“I wasn’t aware that my actions required any explanation.”

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He was told to return.

“I did.”

But he told another ship to stay behind.

“I would have stayed but I needed to recharge my ship.”

So he did disobey an order.

Colin: 

This guy’s a dick, huh?

“We need a presence inside the Matrix to await contact from the Oracle.”

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He don’t care ‘bout that shit. He cares about not letting this place get fucked up.

Colin: 

That said, this guy does seem like the most logical one.

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“With all due respect, Commander, there is only one way to save our city.”

I’d believe in that way.

“Goddamnit, Morpheus, not everyone believes what you believe.”

Colin: 

As much as I hate this character, I’m kinda on board with his whole ‘screw religion’ thing.

“My beliefs do not require them to.”

Colin: 

And that’s the worst part about religious dialogue. “You can believe whatever you want — this is how it WILL be.”

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They just wanna get FUCKED.

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“There’s a gathering tonight. Everyone’s talking, a lot of people are scared.”

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“No one can remember the last time so many ships were docked. Something’s happening, isn’t it? Something big.”

Colin: 

Lots of ships are docked? Why would that be necessarily bad?

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“We’re not allowed to say anything, so stop asking.”

He doesn’t sound like he’s asking. He also doesn’t seem like the subtle type.

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So you built this city near the Earth’s core. How do you maintain it?

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“Goddamn, it’s good to be home.”

Colin: 

Well, that didn’t feel staged.

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All right.

Colin: 

That seems bigger than 250,000 people would necessitate. That looks like it would hold a million easily.

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Do the walkways change?

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Home looks a lot like the machine city. Except with condos instead of baby liquid pods.

Baby liquid pods would be a great name for a punk band.

Or a child.

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Lock is going to recommend some such shit. I wasn’t paying attention. He has a butthole on his face.

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“That is, of course, your prerogative, commander.”

It would be doubly funny if Bobby Brown played Lock.

“If it were up to me, captain, you wouldn’t step foot on a ship for the rest of your life.”

“Then I am grateful that it is not up to you.”

Colin: 

I love it when people start sentences with that, cause the IMMEDIATE answer is that it isn’t up to you.

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Who’s this old fuck?

I guess the person it’s up to.

Look at him in his fancy… underwears.

Colin: 

It’s Anthony Zerbe! I always think of License to Kill, cause he gets blown up.

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Colin: 

Trading names. Fuck this.

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Look at the way he says, “Captain,” to Morpheus. This motherfucker is already on his side. This is like when your parent has to pretend to yell at you just to appease the asshole who wants you to get in trouble. Like, “How dare you beat the shit out of that other kid,” meanwhile you know they loved every minute of it.

Colin: 

Zerbe is smirking so obviously, you know exactly where this is going. He’s going to inquire about both sides and then play favorites immediately without considering the options.

This guy has a great relationship with the blacks.

Also, doesn’t he look like Andy Griffith?

The council has asked him to speak at the temple gathering. Hooray, Jewish overtones!

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Doesn’t Morpheus look like he doesn’t belong in those clothes? Or is it just me?

Also, as a student of color… primaries.

Anyway, he asks their opinion. Lock is like, “Tell ‘em shit’s cool. We don’t want a panic.” And Morpheus is like, “Just tell them the truth. They won’t panic.” So basically, Lock is a Republican and Morpheus is a Democrat. And this is why we like Morpheus.

Though it’s weird… Morpheus is the religious one.

Honestly, the only question I have, since this is all clearly a Jesus allegory – who is Barabbas?

But anyway, Morpheus says he’s sure the army won’t reach Zion.

“What makes you so sure?”

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“Consider what we have seen, Counselor. Consider that in the past six months, we have freed more minds than in the past six years.”

Where are they putting them all? That’s kind of a large influx to be happening to an underground city so suddenly. You can’t exactly build outward, given all those gunships and metal gates you have at the perimeter.

Which – side question – how the fuck don’t the machines know where Zion is? Aside from the fact that they’ve done this shit six times already, and each time, the One gets out and they go restart Zion somewhere else, which makes me wonder how the fuck the Earth hasn’t run out of places yet (since remember, this is near the Earth’s core, “where it’s still warm.” How much fucking core are we talking about here? Really curious how they’re not running out of Zion real estate). Aside from that, aren’t the machines searching night and day for Zion? They are machines, they don’t need sleep. So how the fuck have they not searched everywhere there is to search yet? Or is it just that they can’t get close because of the defense mechanisms?

Anyway, back to my original point. If you suddenly had, in six months, the kind of numbers you had in the past six years, where are you putting all these people. You can’t build outward, and there’s only so far in you can go TO THE EARTH’S CORE. So where the fuck are these people staying? I saw a shit ton of little apartments built into the side of whatever that cavern is. You’re telling me you guys are constructing new ones all the time? Or are those the amount of people you already had? That’s a fuck ton of people already. So getting more is not exactly going to help the overcrowding issues. This place already looks like a Los Angeles prison. Where are you putting all the new people? And more importantly… aren’t you running out of room to have your raves?

“This attack is an act of desperation. I believe very soon the prophecy will be fulfilled, and this war will end.”

Fucking prophecies. Franchises all have prophecies and councils. We just got introduced to both just now. I told you, you wait long enough, every franchise will have a council. Every one.

Colin: 

This speech is an act of hubris. I’m simultaneously rooting for Morpheus and wishing someone would take him down a peg. Which sort of happens.

Sheriff Andy says he hopes he’s right. It’s not a matter of hope, Morpheus says. It’s a matter of time. Highlighting one of my many issues with religious people.

Oh, also… add all the black people you want, guys. The old white guy still outranks them. You’re not being as progressive as you think.

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I want my doors to open like that.

Also note, during this entire shot, Trinity does not move or blink once.

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“Let’s go kid. These two gotta FUCK.”

That was a real, “Seth, let’s go,” moment.

Colin: 

Well THAT’S a wingman. He’s getting this cockblocker out the goddamn elevator so you can make the dirty on every level.

Do they shower regularly?

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Colin: 

Another shot of feet as something is dropped to the ground. Is that twice in less than 20 minutes?

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Jesus, you two, get a room!

Which will be hard nowadays, given ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE YOU GUYS ARE FREEING!

Colin: 

That’s it? You’re just gonna suck face?

Can any pond be golden in this world?

(Or, “You think that’s face you’re sucking now?”)

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“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Probably not, since it’s probably not a question.

“I am if you’re thinking this elevator is too damn slow.”

Colin: 

Why would the elevator be to slow? Maybe it’s too fast. You should slow it down and fuck right there if you’re really serious about getting to business.

Is there not an emergency stop on this thing?

He asks how long it takes to charge the ship.

New game. Matrix drinking game. Take a drink every time Keanu asks a question.

Bonus: Take a drink every time he has a dumb look on his face.

Be sure to have a doctor on call for this.

She says it’ll take a day, maybe plus six hours.

“Some people go their entire lives without hearing news that good.”

Probably the people who unplugged from a digital paradise to live in a fucking metal city with NO HOMES, eating BOWLS OF SNOT ALL DAY!

Colin: 

That’s not a line I enjoy.

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I don’t like this shot. That’s the, “Somebody’s gonna get fucked up” shot.

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I FUCKING TOLD YOU!

Look at all these homeless fucks.

Colin: 

haha you got cockblocked by being the messiah

Subtitle.

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I like how her clothes fit her perfectly, and his look like they just got done greasing an engine.

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And they want to give him shit? Really? First, you know where he lives? Second, why does he have a place? Is this Trinity’s place? Have they moved in together so quickly? It’s only been six months. So you’re telling me that he got in right as the market got bad?

Colin: 

These people are all dressed very Middle Eastern. Was that intentional?

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I’d end my articles right here if he just knocked them over and said, “Out of the way, cunts!” and ran off.

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She has a son, Jacob. In case we didn’t need more biblical allusions.

She wants him to watch over Jacob. And he’s like, “I’ll try.” Which is pretty great. Because, how the fuck do you do that?

And also, because he’ll be blind soon.

That jar is wearing a turban.

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And now she goes to sneak off, which is like if you’re dating a celebrity, and you get to go off and drink while the media swarm them.

And he’s like, “Wait,” and she goes, “They need you.”

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“I need you.”

A HA HA. He needs some of that PUSSY!

That’s also one of the only times I’ve heard him use inflection in this franchise.

Then she goes, “I know. There’s time.” Bitch, NO THERE’S NOT! You JUST said 24-30 hours. There is not TIME. Remember how slow the elevator was going a minute ago?

Colin: 

I never like it when they talk.

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“Okay, so… two jews walk into a car wash…”

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“Where’s my puss—”

Colin: 

Best line in the movie so far. I wish he’d have paused and then finished the word.

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“Hey!”

We all remember this moment. This is the one moment the Matrix made a sex joke.

I also agree with Colin. He should have paused and went “–sy.”

I’d have also accepted. “–sy… hey, guys!”

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There’s his pussy.

She’s Zee. Played by Nona Gaye. Daughter of Marvin.

Link’s not being crude, he just needs some of that… Sexual Healing.

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Those are Dozer’s kids. He’s an uncle. For those keeping score, he’s married to Dozer’s sister.

Colin: 

This is what being an uncle is all about. You make dirty jokes that the kids won’t understand but all the adults do and clown around with the kids. I’m an awesome uncle cause I have all of this down and I haven’t messed anything up so far. When my oldest brother was five, one of my uncles pushed my brother off his bike and he ended up breaking his arm. That went over well.

You think he brought the blue shit when Dozer died?

Also, that makes him related to Tank. Did Tank not have kids? Was Tank gay? I think he might have been. Just look at the way he said “major boring shit.”

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This is how we see he’s a good dude, as if him being on Morpheus’s ship wasn’t enough. But I guess he also needs screen time, and we saw everyone else who wasn’t dead.

Colin: 

Kids are so easy to troll. Also, religious people.

They react similarly.

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Oh, this mother fucker’s in trouble.

Also, I want to note, I unintentionally typed the space up there when I wrote it, then realized it was appropriate, so I kept it.

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Great moment, they leave and he’s like, “Bye!” and then turns and gives his wife this face.

The kids are gone and now she’s… Got to Give It Up.

Colin: 

Of course black people stick together in Zion. Cause Hollywood likes it when skin matches.

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But she’s pissed. Every other ship comes home twice as much as his. But he can’t switch ships because he made a promise to Dozer.

Colin: 

Tank and Dozer’s sister. So we know that Tank ends up dying in the end after all. That was nice of them to just kill him off between movies so that the sister’s relationship could have some problems.

How does she know every other ship comes home more often than theirs?

Perhaps she… Heard It Through the Grapevine.

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He pulls the, “You think it’s fair he’s dead and I’m not?”

Colin: 

See, this is what makes me think it’s been a long time since the end of the first movie. It’s long enough that it’s become a bone of contention between these two. And yet, we still need awkward expository dialogue to explain shit that Neo should already know.

I don’t think there ever stops being a point where they need awkward expository dialogue to explain shit Neo should already know.

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Yeah, that’s right, feel bad. Now where’s his PUSSY?!

Colin: 

Oh shit, guilt tripping her by reminding her about the widowed sister-in-law who just left. You’re complaining? Her husband’s DEAD! Go make me a drink.

Anyway, she thinks the ship is haunted or some such shit. And she’s afraid the ship will get him killed too.

But… the other guys were on that ship for a while. And they only died because some asshole turned traitor.

Well… we never actually know what happened to Tank. Let’s assume AIDS. Or maybe the massive fucking stomach wound he had at the end of that movie.

And he’s like, “Nah, the ship won’t get me. Because Morpheus told me the war is gonna be over soon.”

Colin:

That’s always good to use in an argument with your wife. “No, honey, your concerns about my job are unfounded because of some shit my boss told me.”

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I like how this dialogue can be stripped into about four lines, yet they’re basically repeating the same things for the sake of filling up time. Less bullshit, more Hugo Weaving.

(Subtitle.)

She says Morpheus is crazy. To Link’s credit, he goes, “Fuck yeah he is.” But you know, her brothers believed in him, plus Neo’s doing some real impressive shit, so maybe it’s not that crazy.

Which… I understand that. You show me Jesus, I might start to understand.

Or you might say… Can I Get a Witness.

Colin: 

They have the screens that show what’s happening in the Matrix — are you telling me they can’t TiVo that shit? Why wouldn’t you save the video of Neo doing the shit he does that’s all amazing and then show it to people? So many assholes in this movie are skeptical of what he can do or whether or not he’s the One. Just fucking show them.

Can these people read code? Is there a code reading class? Is that what Matrix college is?

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“Be careful, Link.”

Uh huh, this is the “shut the fuck up now we go’n get busy” moment.

Colin: 

What was the purpose of this scene? Was this just to make us care about Link and to hope he doesn’t die? If so, I guess I appreciate that, but they try to do so by showing us that his wife will be devastated if he doesn’t return, and then we don’t really like her cause she’s whiny and illogical and superstitious. So…that could have been better.

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Yes, run. Run into Minas Morgul.

Shire, Baggins.

Colin: 

Run, asshole. Run into the rock-gina.

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Is he taking off his shoes? Is he gonna throw it at the door?

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Also, this is kind of how I picture the gates of Hell in Dante’s Inferno, just in case there are people who care about that sort of thing.

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Oh, that’s pretty great. Your set looks like the fucking leftover soundstage from Dune.

Which… oh man… have Colin and I got a really great story about Dune…

Colin: 

This rock hallway looks like a HORRIBLY bad set. Like 1968 Star Trek bad. I guess I’m glad it’s a real set.

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ASIAN LADY!

“Have they started yet?”

Colin: 

Also, why do you stop and ask if they’ve started? Will that change anything? You just keep running, get there and see where they are in the program.

“Only Counselor Hamman’s opening prayer.”

FUCK YOU.

For the name drop and the fact that they’re praying.

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“Good morning. In less than an hour…”

“Tonight, let us honor these men and women.”

That’s a prayer? Or have they mercifully left that part out?

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Look at those fucking caves. You know those stalatctites can fall at any moment, right? Especially when all of you start dancing at once.

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I actually really like this set. Precisely because it looks like a soundstage left over from the 80s.

This looks like the place where Michael Jackson saved the kids from those spiders.

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He’s got that Albert Finney voice.

Colin:

Anthony Zerbe has the American version of Albert Finney’s voice. Coincidentally, the two were born only 11 days apart — Zerbe’s younger.

Also, what he says is inconsequential. These people are great, let’s remember the dead, and let’s be thankful we’re not dead yet. Standard shit.

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Run, Mouse. Run.

Also, have we even gotten his name yet?

Ughh… I just realized… as I was thinking about his name, I realized all the bullshit we’re in store for with him in the next movie.

I like this guy on the rock, though. Just chilling. That’s how you get a good seat.

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Are those coins on his nipples?

Oh, right… plugs.

Six pack of plugs.

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Hey, baby, I hope you ain’t got no plugs on your titties.

(– Real World Pickup Line)

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Honestly, 800 years prior, I bet this is how Dumbledore would have given speeches.

Also, listening to his voice, it sounds like he’s got that old guy lisp. You guys know what I’m talking about, right? That lisp old men get during that age where you start to worry about how much longer they’re gonna be around. I’m a big Johnny Cash fan. You can hear it in his last two albums. It’s almost a stroke voice, but more of just one of those things that just happens when people are in declining health. It’s just a bit of slurred speech. The voice just isn’t as clear anymore. Morgan Freeman is starting to get that a little bit, and it has me worried.

Anyway, he gives them Morpheus.

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Jesus, they love Morpheus.

Colin: 

People with torches, cheering. Nothing about this makes me comfortable.

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Her panties are soaked.

Yup. She knows what she’s missin’ out on. #ThisCouldBeUsButYouPrayin

Colin: 

Really nice how they cut to Niobe every time Morpheus is about to do or say something. To 90 percent of filmgoers, that constitutes “subtlety.”

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How do you not crowd surf in this place? I mean, the torches, obviously. But still.

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That’s his formal wear? He looks like he’s about to cut a wrestling promo.

“Let me tell you something, Mean Gene…”

Colin: 

It looks like he’s motorboating two enormous titties.

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“ZION! HEAR ME!”

Throw him your ears!

Colin:

They did a decent job making everyone look spiritual. Morpheus went from wearing normal clothes to a weirdly Asian shirt to some weird-ass monk clothes now. It makes me like the characters less, when they wear this stuff.

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Sure. The acoustics in this place are that good.

Colin: 

Did he use Sonorus, or what?

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“It is true what many of you have heard.”

About his daughter?

Oh. The machines have an army, and they’re coming.

About his daughter?

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“What? I haven’t heard that? Have you?”

That would be fucked up. If they didn’t know and they found out that way.

Colin: 

Cut to the audience as people buzz with fear.

“Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us.”

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This shot has so many things going on in it. So many. Personal favorite is the shirtless dude in back.

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He tells them to not be afraid. He’s not afraid. Why? Because he’s here not because of the path that lies before him, but the path that lies behind him.

So… he’s here not because of the future, but because everything in the past brought him here? Thanks, Morpheus. Thanks a lot.

Colin: 

They do make him sound like a minister. Then again, this is also how the Nazis happened. They’ve got torches, for shit’s sake. Try replacing “machines” with “Jews” and this is immediately very wrong. People need to stop getting psyched about stuff.

“The Jews have gathered an army, and as I speak that army is drawing nearer to our home. Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it!” … “I remember that for 100 years we have fought these Jews. I remember that for 100 years they have sent their armies to destroy us. And after a century of war, I remember that which matters most. We are still here!”

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He remembers that for a hundred years, they’ve been fighting the machines and the machines have sent armies to destroy them.

Do they have school in this place? Do they teach history? Is Keanu being taught all of this?

Colin: 

This shit is pretty cliche, though. You yell something with the same rhythm and grammatic structure, and stop before bellowing a sound byte that’ll get everyone screaming. You should all be glad I don’t have a good yelling voice, cause I’d take shit over.

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Look at Pocahontas with the tits back there. Shit, look at any of these people. Half of them have weird bondage collars or some such shit. That’s creeping me out. And there’s the lady with the head wound front and center, in front of Queen Latifah and next to the giant fucking black dude. Love the angry guy to the left. One blonde chick in the back on the left there. The person on the bottom right looks like Lady Gaga pretending to be Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker. (Tell me it doesn’t. I dare you.)

There’s the big fat bald guy in the back. He looks like either Anthony Edwards let himself go, or the dude in all the Ocean’s movies that pretends to beat George Clooney up but is actually a sweet man.

I can go on about this photo for paragraphs. Like the little bald Italian guy just left of center. Right in front of the dude with his hands above his mouth in that really worried pose. And over his other shoulder, it looks like Drake is there. I can spot famous doppelgangers for almost all of these people.

But anyway, after all that, he remembers the only important thing.

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“We are still here!”

Way to play to the crowd.

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ARE THOSE LAVA PITS?! Are you seriously congregating around fucking lava pits without any kind of barriers preventing this massive overcrowding of people from accidentally being pushed into them?

And is that guy on the right side of the frame naked? Because he looks completely naked.

Also, you know how you can tell this is real HD quality? I can see at least three nipples from this distance.

Go ahead and look. See how many you can find.

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“Tonight, let us send a message to that army. Tonight, let us shake this cave.”

Good euphemism for intercourse.

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“Go greased lightning / You’re burnin’ up the quarter mile”

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“Tonight, let us FUCK!”

Jesus, look at that fucking hand motion. This is really where the franchise lost it.

Basically, he’s saying, “Let’s make some fucking noise.” Which is exactly what you want to be doing when a machine army is bearing down on your ass.

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“Tonight!”

He sounds exactly the way Katt Williams says white people sound when they’re going out to party.

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“Let them remember – this is Zion, and we are not afraid!”

Colin: 

I would have been the asshole who clapped between “we are Zion” and “and we are not afraid.”

I don’t think I find anything else in this article as funny as I find that.

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So many black people in Zion. And one white bitch in the corner.

You know what that means, right? Aside from the fact that black people are the only true humans, which does make sense, going back to all the history of Africa and all that. But it also means that, statistically, black people are “saved” or whatever from the Matrix (which… ugh) more than white people. Which – honestly, given what black people have to go through in society, makes fucking sense. If you came up to a white person and were like, “This is all fake. This is all a fantasy world,” the white person would be like, “Get away from me, crazy person. I’m going to spill my macchiato.” You go up to a black person, and they’d be like, “Shit, this isn’t a fantasy world for me. I’m ready to get the fuck out. They put four bullet holes in my refrigerator last night! Shot up all my grape drink!”

Nobody likes wasted grape drink.

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Morpheus out!

That’s the moment you tell the band to hit it.

Colin: 

Did he just drop the bass? Is that was that was?

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Also, you mean to tell me there’s not one fundamentalist person in that audience waiting to shoot his ass?