Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Reloaded (2003), Part II — “Less Bullshit, More Hugo Weaving”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Reloaded.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the second part of The Matrix Reloaded.

We begin Part II with the end of the movie!

No? That’s not the end of the movie?

I really need to stop falling for that.

But they’re just so convincing!

Could have sworn Return of the King ended on that rock.

Welcome to Keanu’s brain.

It’s usually pretty dark in here.

Aww… he ain’t got nobody to fuck.

Colin: 

Morpheus has changed from his red monk outfit to his beige monk outfit.

Artificial starlight.

But I’m totally cool with it. I’m a fan of all ceilings looking like that.

“Goodnight, Zion.”

Colin: 

“Goodnight, room. Goodnight, Zion. Goodnight, sentinels digging down to Zion.”

OH YEAH!

Finally! We’re back in.

Or, you could use the door, you know.

Colin: 

That’s never a good way to enter a room.

You guys look like a German electronic band.

We going to party up in ze club, ja!

Apparently an agent is after them. And that envelope is all that matters.

I hope it’s cocaine.

Colin: 

Clumsy dialogue. I’d like it if they just did this silently and were freaked out. I’d be so much more terrified when Smith shows up. Seriously, filmmakers fail to recognize the dramatic potential of well-used silence.

What if the line goes dead mid… thing?

Does he stay like that?

I wanna see someone walking around who got Matrix-splinched.

YEAH!

See? Less bullshit, more Hugo Weaving.

No fighting, just stab him in the chest.

“Oh god.”

“Smith will suffice.”

HA HA! That was great! I never really noticed that line before.

This is so good. He turns people into him, and now he’s fixing the dude’s tie.

Colin: 

I do like Hugo Weaving talking to himself. Or anyone.

And now he’s going to be in Zion.

Colin: 

Now, I get that he takes over the dude’s body, and that he then gets sucked up into the dude’s real body on the ship. Here’s the question — what the hell is their operator doing during all of this? They watch everything and know where agents are and shit. There was a good 30 seconds there were the operator would have seen what happened and cancelled the call. Our dude just got turned into an agent…let’s go ahead and cancel the exit for now til we figure out what’s going on. But instead, he gets taken back up and nobody’s any the wiser. I’d expect them to be watching SUPER closely, precisely BECAUSE there was an agent after them.

I don’t think they know about being turned into an agent. I think their only excuse here is that the code gets all fucked up when Smith shows up now, so maybe he didn’t know how to interpret it. It doesn’t show up like Agent code. And maybe that’s what kept him from noticing. Still, though, from now on, that dude has fucked up code, because he’s Smith, so someone should be noticing something.

My real question, from a storytelling perspective — wouldn’t this be a better thing to do at the end of the film? Think about it: Smith is alive. That’s your big act one reveal. Act II, he shows up and presents himself to Neo. They fight. We find out he can assimilate people. He is growing inside the Matrix. This is dangerous. Then, at the end, he manages to get inside the Matrix? That’s a cliffhanger. None of that coma bullshit. Or, if you want the coma. He gets inside the Matrix, that’s dangerous. He tries to sabotage one of the ships. The ship goes down. Then you realize he survived and no one else did. So that way all the witnesses are gone. It’s just really poor storytelling with this. Because now Smith is inside the Matrix for almost an entire film and does nothing except cut himself and be all menacing.

Smith works better as a malevolent presence who can show up anywhere, and then when he gets inside the real world, there’s suspense. Now, he’s just hanging around in the real world, not doing anything, not gleaming information, not even getting more Smiths inside. The Wachowskis have this thing where they come up with good ideas and then have trouble finding the best way to put forth those ideas.

This is a legitimately good turning point, though. Why did we need all that other bullshit before it?

Nocturnal emission.

It’s weird how we use the euphemism and not something simple, like… sleep cum.

Colin: 

Sup, caveman?

Gotta say, when it comes to relationships and the Matrix, there is still only one constant… there is no spooning.

Or maybe he had that moment that we all have – “Shit… why didn’t I make her leave earlier?” Nobody wants to pay for breakfast when you never want to see them again.

Even if it is a bowl of snot.

Trust me, it’s relevant.

So… what are you letting happen to those doors?

(And your computer monitors. Remembering from the last movie?)

Well damn, that’s great. And perishable.

Colin: 

Look at all this shit you have to throw out now.

Isn’t it weird that everybody knows where Jesus lives?

You’d think that I wouldn’t like this sort of set up, given how much it seems like rigid communism or something, and dehumanizing that everyone lives in the same exact places, but I like it. I’m a fan. I’ve always loved the dorm room aspect, where you can just go walking up the row of houses and just hang out with people all the time.

Plus, what the fuck does Zion even do except exist to not die? They don’t really have jobs. They must hang out all the time.

Colin: 

Wide shot with levels. Yeah. That was one of my favorite shots in The Artist, when they’re on the stairs at the studio and she gives him her number. You know the shot.

Hell, if it wasn’t for all the CGI, that was one of my favorite shots in Goblet of Fire. At the Quidditch World Cup. The stands looked just like this.

Plus, that’s when Lucius Malfoy called Hermione a cunt (basically).

Of course the rich white dude just happens to be here. Is this the gated community portion of Zion?

Colin: 

What do you know? A city of 250,000 and the guy we’ve already met just happens to show up the second Neo walks outside. I love movies.

“Care for some company?”

Are those two people making out back there?

Colin: 

STOP IT WITH THE NAMES ALREADY

He then makes a big deal about, “Oh, but if you want to be alone, that’s cool.” Motherfucker, no one’s outside. You just forced yourself into this conversation.

Colin: 

Yeah, he prefers to be alone. He was gonna sob-sterbate til he cry-maxed over the railing and into the abyss.

So in this moment… what do we know? He’s part of a council, he’s somewhat religious (as evidenced by his prayer earlier), he outranks Morpheus and Lock, and seemingly sides with Morpheus about stuff, based on his indifference to Morpheus disobeying a direct order. So what is his end game right now? Just a simple chat with Neo? Finding out if he really is Jesus? Some sort of manipulation? Or is it just regular ass senility?

“It’s nice tonight. Calm. Feels like everyone is sleeping very peacefully.”

Is that something you can feel? Also, can you tell if they’re not sleeping peacefully? Also, why aren’t they all fucking their brains out? Is this way after and that’s why they’re sleeping peacefully? Is there going to be a pregnancy spike on Zion over the next few months? What will you do about that population spike?

“Not everyone.”

Colin: 

Do we hear crickets? Are they several miles below the earth’s surface in a giant rock hole full of insects?

“A giant rock hole full of insects” is a great thing to call someone if you want to sleep on the couch for the next few days.

“I hate sleeping. I never sleep more than a few hours. I figure I slept the first 11 years of my life, now I’m making up for it.”

He got unplugged when he was 11? Isn’t there some biblical connection there as well?

Colin: 

Fuck that, sleeping’s awesome.

Keanu says he can’t sleep much either. Hamman (that’s his name. It won’t be repeated) says it’s a good sign that he’s still human.

“Have you ever been to the engineering level?”

He said that right just the right level of “Turkish prison” inflection.

Colin: 

This is the line he uses on all the impressionable young men. “Have you been to the engineering level? It’s dark, remote, and completely deserted at this time of night. I’d love to show it…to you.”

As he’s taking a walk on the parapet, having a look around.

This looks like that place in Attack of the Clones.

Colin: 

This is where they make orcs to fight the machines.

“These machines used to be my friends. AUGHAGHAHGHGHHHHH!”

“Almost no one comes down here, unless of course there’s a problem. That’s how it is with people. No one cares how it works as long as it works.”

I’m not sure what he’s suggesting here. That people chill in a fucking engine room just to appreciate that it works? You can appreciate something without living there. I appreciate the infrastructure of a city. I’m not gonna be homeless just to prove it.

“I like it down here. I like to be reminded that this city survives because of these machines. These machines are keeping us alive while other machines are coming to kill us.”

I like to be reminded that we’ve enslaved some of these things, while the rest of them try to kill us. I like to be reminded of the hypocrisy of man.

“Interesting, isn’t it? The power to give life, the power to end it.”

Not really. I guess if you’re into that sort of thing. Mostly I’m wondering what kind of immigrants you hired to build this place. There had to be some people you freed purely for the labor.

He also can’t help but think about all the people still plugged into the Matrix, and how, in a way, they are plugged into these machines.

“But we control these machines, they don’t control us.”

Colin: 

Yes, we got it. Machines are our creation. I’m really unsure of what the message of this series is. Are we supposed to be humble about our creations? You’re showing how the machines are simultaneously evil and benevolent — obviously these are required to survive, but the other ones are bad. So machines are good and bad? Is there a lesson to be had here?

Less Bullshit, More Hugo Weaving.

He says the idea is pure nonsense, but it makes you think… what is control?

“If we wanted, we could shut these machines down.”

Sheriff Andy is amused.

Colin: 

“That’s it! You’ve hit it!” I love how Zerbe is condescending to Neo. Cause fuck Neo.

“If we did, we would have to consider what would happen to our lights, our heat, our air.”

Colin: 

“Although…there’s the distinct possibility that you’re a douchebag.”

Also, water goes over a dam and under a bridge.

Colin: 

Is that what this is? That we can’t live without the machines and that they can’t live without us?

“So we need machines and they need us.”

Jesus, Keanu. He basically said all that shit up there. Way to summarize.

Colin: 

Oh, Neo asked the same question I did. How nice. I’m going to go kill myself.

“Is that your point, counselor?”

“No. No point. Old men like me don’t even bother with making points.”

Is that why you all speak in vagueries?

“There’s no point.”

“Is that why there’s no young men on the council?”

“Good point.”

Colin: 

“Good point.” Ah, see, they did a thing with words.

I’d like it if they did an interesting thing with words.

Colin:

I like the red on your old neck.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind, counselor?”

HE JUST FUCKING DID.

Colin: 

Does anyone ever ask this in the middle of a conversation? It feels so forced. People ask this when you’ve asked to see them — that whole, “What’s on your mind?” thing. But I don’t know about this in the middle of a conversation. Neo’s telling him to cut to the chase, which is awfully confident for the guy who doesn’t know what’s happening…ever.

“There is so much in this world that I do not understand.”

“See that machine? It has something to do with recycling our water supply. I have absolutely no idea how it works. But I do understand the reason for it to work. I have absolutely no idea how you are able to do some of the things you do. But I believe there’s a reason for that as well.”

Colin: 

SOMETHING to do with recycling your water supply? Do you think maybe it’s…recycling your water supply?

Love the double take he does.

Colin: 

Neo is, in many ways, like a sewage treatment plant.

“I only hope we understand that reason before it’s too late.”

Colin: 

And just like Finney, Zerbe has that thing where he pauses in the middle of sentences to breathe through his old face.

I hope we understand the reason before it’s too late? Why is him ending the war contingent upon you understanding why he’s able to do it?

“Someone’s in your room, wake the fuck up.”

Oh, you know he’s judging your ass.

“Is he here?”

They look like they’re about to fuck him up.

Colin: 

Is that his name? “Ballard?” It is. Please, PLEASE stop.

It’s from the Oracle.

What if it were just the thing he handed the dude from the first movie?

What do you think happened to him? I’m gonna assume dead.

“It’s time to go.”

So the Oracle calls and you just go? Fuck that. Enjoy your time off. She doesn’t get to tell you when to meet.

Do we ever find out what’s on that chip? Is it where she is? “Help me Neo, you’re my only hope”?

Link’s packing. Zee is pissed.

Why is she pissed? What’s Going On?

(Did I mention before that Zee wasn’t supposed to be played by Nona Gaye? Apparently it was going to be Aaliyah, but that plan crashed and burned.)

I wonder if he ever fucked her.

He had to have, right?

Link says he doesn’t know if the prophecy is true or not, but that ship needs an operator, and that’s him.

“I know.”

Oh, he fucked her. Yelling at him yesterday, now she’s like, “I understand.” Oh yeah. She got… THE DICK.

Naturally, she believes in good luck charms. Not oracles, but this.

Colin: 

Superstitious women should not.

She says it’s always brought her luck. (How, exactly?) So now she hopes it brings her him.

Because when it comes to love, there’s… Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.

Cuts.

Colin: 

That’s usually bad for your hand. Cutters are gross. Remember teenage girls? They should not.

That’s what I always say: Hidden cuts. They make movies more interesting and teenagers less so.

Also, “That’s Usually Bad for Your Hand.”

Is this Agent Smith feeling pain? Is that what this is? Because you’re doing a hell of a job explaining it.

I will say, to get it out of the way… hell of a job casting this guy. He does a great Hugo Weaving. So good that it’s actually weird that no one else picks up on the fact that he’s obviously him, with the speech patterns and all.

Also, Smith, masturbating furiously.

That would be fucking weird, if he just flat out merc’d Neo right here. Because think about it – you can. You can afford to die. You’re part of Smith’s entity. He should be controlling you. It’s weird that he doesn’t.

Oh, right… the douchebag guy shouts. That’s what stops him.

But even so… you can still do it.

“Hey man, what are you doing with that knife?”

“Oh, this is just my lucky knife. I wanted you to have it. IN YOUR FUCKING KIDNEYS!”

HIS NAME IS BANE?! Jesus Christ! Or I guess… Mr. Anderson! These names aren’t even subtle. Were you guys even trying with these sequels?

Colin: 

WITH THE NAMES, ALREADY!

They were even offered Batman Begins, but turned it down to do these sequels. Imagine that alternate universe.

“*Bane Voice* Mr. Anderson!”

Oh… wait…

But also… they spent three years on these movies. 2000, they did all pre-production, 2001, they shot them, and 2002 was all post production. Maybe if they took a little more of a break, the movies would have been better. Or maybe they just hit lightning in a bottle. Who knows?

Does no one see this?

Why would anyone be keping their arms behind their back when they talk to you?

He just wanted to say good luck.

“We’ll see you.”

Colin: 

That guy is not there to wish you good luck. How could you sound any more menacing?

Maybe?

“Neo! Just in time.”

Fuck you.

“You’re gonna see the Oracle, aren’t you?”

Colin: 

God, I hate this guy. Does he die? I don’t remember, but I sure hope so.

“We don’t have time for this shit.”

Morpheus’ face is so accurate. “This is your fucking friend.”

A gift from one of the orphans.

What if it’s a shiv to the kidneys?

Also, where did Bane go? Does he know where his apartment is? I’m curious what kind of damage he can actually cause, since now he’s not with the machines and is on his own, and his only real goal is to kill Neo. So really, entering the real world does next to nothing for him.

AHHH! Get it?!

It’s weird… because there is a spoon there. This is the real world. That spoon is actually there.

And also it looks like Seal’s face.

Colin: 

So the orphan kid from the Oracle”s office got out? And gave him the spoon why, exactly?

What a terrible looking spoon, too. If I were Neo I’d kick it down into a gorge. Fuck that kid. What a shitty gift.

Colin: 

What if it was a dildo? Or naked pictures of the kid? Neo’s pretty much a religious figure at this point…it’s only a matter of time.

He’s a question — we’re going to assume this is the same weird bald kid that was in the Oracle’s apartment in the first movie. It’s a natural assumption, and the movie isn’t at all subtle when it comes to character links and references to the first one. Plus, if it’s not that kid, that means he went around, telling all the other orphans (keep in mind, this implies that Neo is also an Orphan. Since in the first movie, they were only called “potentials.” Though more on that in a second), “Guess what I did to that dumb white guy?” and now it’s a running gag amongst the children and they all send him spoons as a joke, kind of like the way everyone gave Russell Crowe pens (that’s what that was about, right? You guys see Noah?).

So that kid has now been unplugged. Was he unplugged before, and they just reinserted him to hang out in the Oracle’s apartment all day? Does the Oracle babysit potential Jesus’s? Gives a whole new meaning to latch key. Was there enough potential in this kid to unplug him, or was it that they already did and put him back in to hone his craft? Because in that case, wouldn’t all the agents have to do be find the Oracle’s apartment and wipe everyone out? She doesn’t seem to be particularly hidden. She’s just in the projects. Kill all the baby Jesus’s and eventually you’ll be right.

And that brings me to the other question — they used to be called Potentials and now they’re called orphans. Is that because Neo took the Jesus mantle and they serve no purpose? Like, Oh, we were seeing if you’re gonna be the next Michael Jorden, but we got one of those. So your services are no longer required. You know, but we do need people to clean the ships and weld on the pieces to our robot suits.

And specifically on the orphans part — why are they orphans? Because they deliberately got people without families because they’re more likely to be extraordinary? (That does seem to be the rule of these sci-fi and fantasy movies.) Is it because people can’t resist giving orphans powers? Or is it because they unplugged them now and essentially took them away from their Matrix families and made them orphans? Are they orphans because in the real world they’re now on their own while the rest of their families are still in the goo pods?

Sheriff Andy, hard at work.

Lock is mad because he’s letting Morpheus go.

Colin: 

This guy doesn’t actually talk like this, does he? You know when someone sounds like they’re trying too hard to do a low, gruff voice? It never works.

Andy believes that their survival “depends on more than how many ships we have.”

Colin: 

This is trolling. He’s fuming, and Zerbe is smirk.

“Be careful.”

You’re not… going with him? Isn’t that your thing?

That’s how the women in this franchise send their husbands off to work. A metal plug in the base of the skull.

Oh yeah… we’re going in.

I say this every time because I get worried the Zion stuff will actually never end.

Subtle. (What’s with the Jesus pictures?)

I also want that panda CD.

Forget it, Keanu. It’s Chinatown.

Also, really? Heineken?

Dennis Hopper:

Fuck that shit!

Colin: 

Fucking China’s here.

China: the Dan of countries.

Colin:

I hope that wasn’t on purpose. The green-lit sign on the left side of this shot literally just says “store.”

As someone who lives in an Asian-oriented part of town, that’s exactly the kind of sign they have.

Plus, this is the Matrix. Everything is generic like that.

“I uhh… I’m here for the gang bang.”

Colin: 

How does he know where he’s going? Was that on the chip? Is this the noodle place he used to go to? I bet it isn’t. This looks too ridiculously Chinese in an almost classy way.

Oh, that would have made me forgive everything, if he stopped to get some noodles.

So clearly supposed to be Jet Li, too.

Colin: 

I’m kinda glad this ended up being Collin Chou instead of Jet Li. Cause then it would have been, “Hey, it’s Jet Li!” And Michelle Yeoh would have been a pretty obvious cash-in on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, although that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

It was offered to Jet Li, who asked for Keanu money. And then they changed it to a woman and offered it to Michelle Yeoh, who had scheduling conflicts. My favorite thing about scheduling conflicts… if you really wanted to do something, you can make it work. Unless it’s clear a studio is being an asshole and blocking you from doing something, or something has to get done during a certain period of time (like, the movie has to be shot during winter or something), then scheduling conflicts is just a complete bullshit excuse.

This motherfucker ain’t got time for no introductions.

I guess this means he’s a program or something.

Colin: 

Hah. Get it? He’s yellow.

I feel like there had to be at least one gong going off in this scene.

Colin: 

Watch him ask a question.

“You seek the Oracle.”

“Nah, man, I just came to get something to eat. Really good noodles.”

“Who are you?” is what he actually says.

Colin: 

See?

“I am Seraph.”

Well of course. That’s a horse of a different color. Why didn’t you say so before?

“I can take you to her. But first I must apologize.”

Colin:

Look at those Asians. Always apologizing.

“Apologize for what?”

“For this.”

Colin: 

Only badasses apologize for shit they haven’t done yet. Sorry guys, we’re gonna say some pretty insensitive shit throughout the rest of these articles.

I think that disclaimer is out the window after that video from yesterday.

Colin: 

Feet shot! They were right to get Yuen Woo-ping to do the fight choreography for these. That’s one thing that I have to give the Wachowskis credit for above most other things. He was pretty unknown in Hollywood until the first movie, and then they kept him for the sequels, after he got all the Crouching Tiger recognition.

I didn’t even know it was the same guy who directed all my favorite Jackie Chan movies from the 70s. Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow? Drunken Master? And not the 90s remake — the original with Yuen Siu-tien (Yuen Woo-ping’s dad) as the drunken hobo master. Are they still fighting? Oh yeah.

I feel like if I try hard enough, my nickname could be the “Drunken Hobo Master.”

Colin: 

Why does he wear black trenchcoats all the time? That’s just something to grab during a fight.

I don’t really have anything to say during this, because the fight serves no purpose. Mostly we just watch, go, “Okay, that’s technically sound,” and then it ends and we move along.

This is like two roosters fighting.

Colin: 

FUCK YO CHOPSTICKS, ASIA!

For some reason this reminds me of the first Pirates fight, in the barn.

“Good.”

Improvisation, adaptation…

“The Oracle has many enemies. I had to be sure.”

“Of what?”

“That you are the One.”

“You could have just asked.”

I will preface his next statement by saying what he should have said is, “I did.”

But instead, he says:

“No. You do not really know someone until you fight them.”

You tell me which line is better.

Colin: 

Stop? I totally get Neo’s look in this moment because what the fuck? We fight to fight. None of this Art of War bullshit, Sun Tzu.

“Come. She is waiting.”

She can fucking wait.

Colin: 

You can’t fight like that with keys in your sleeves! That’s not how sleeve pockets work!

You can if you’re a badass.

“Where the hell did they go?”

“These are back doors, aren’t they?”

How do you know that? You don’t know anything without having it told to you.

That is perhaps the only accurate reaction to one of Keanu’s questions.

“Programmer exits.”

I’d like to use a programmer’s exit to get out of my marriage.

“How do they work?”

“The code is hidden in tumblers.”

Tumblrs?

“One position opens a lock, another position opens one of these doors.”

Colin: 

They’re just explaining shit that doesn’t even need to be explained and only makes me more confused. Why do we need to know about the doors? We’re in a computer program. You went through a special door and it took you somewhere else. It’s the fucking internet. Who gives a shit? This is like Inception explaining all kinds of random shit that you never need to know. These movies are more about the experience than they are about understanding every little detail.

“Are you a programmer?”

Does he look like a programmer?

“Then what are you?”

“I protect that which matters most.”

Colin: 

So he’s a program who protects a program? Is that like anti-virus?

As someone who’s been a Mac user for almost a decade now, I honestly forgot anti-virus programs were even a thing.

Aww yeah.

So much graffiti, and yet… does anyone even live here?

Aww… Gloria Foster. She died after shooting this movie, before she could shoot anything for the third one. Which is a shame. But, it happens. Fortunately they managed to work around it well enough.

Also, does it not weird her out that there are ravens instead of pigeons?

“My goodness, look at you. You turned out all right, didn’t you? How do you feel?”

Colin: 

They gave her the exact same opener as she had in the first one. The, “Come here, I wanna look at you. Well well, look at you.”

Except this time, it’s more like, “Wow… you weren’t a piece of shit after all.”

“I uhh…”

“I know you’re not sleeping, we’ll get to that.”

Colin: 

So she understands everything he’s thinking and all that, cause that’s her purpose. The interesting thing is that our brains basically work like extremely complex computers. So, given some advancement in computers, we could have one that could pick out the individual impulses of the brain and predict exactly what you’re going to say and do.

It’s not a matter of choice, it’s a matter of knowing which choice the person’s going to make. So the only advantage we could possibly have in a world where computers are more powerful than the brain, is the “soul.” Or whatever. I hate that crap.

“Why don’t you come and have a sit this time?”

Not a seat. A sit.

“Maybe I’ll stand.”

“Well, suit yourself.”

And look at him. All self-conscious and shit.

Are those homeless people over there?

“I felt like sitting.”

“I know.”

The great thing about her is, even if she didn’t, how would you know?

“So… let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way.”

“You’re not human, are you?”

“Well it’s tough to get any more obvious than that.”

Colin: 

Yeah, how the hell did you think she was a fucking HUMAN? If she was, wouldn’t they be talking about getting her out of the Matrix so she could bake cookies in Zion?

“If I had to guess, I’d say you were a program from the machines. And so is he.”

“So far so good.”

Colin: 

Where did she come from, again? Did Morpheus say that she had freed the first of them? How exactly would she have done that?

If I had to guess… I’m thinking freeing is just about removing your mind from the reality of the Matrix. Kind of like forcing yourself to wake up from a dream. Since they say the pill they gave him was part of a trace program. It disrupts the Matrix signals, and allows them to figure out where that person is in the field. So that when they wake up and are dumped, they can be picked up. So really I’m guessing what she did was find a way to get them unplugged without the pill. Which opens up a whole other Pandora’s Box of questions, like — how did the first humans know where to find them when they were dumped? Since they’re all atrophied and shit. They can’t swim. And then also, when the Matrix was first created, there were still real people left. That’s how Zion started. I’m talking before Matrix 1. Since afterward, it’s restarted by the One who chooses people and all that. But the original humans — how did they learn about the Matrix and figure out how to hack back into it? Especially since the programs can’t exactly interact with them outside of it. Lot of questions to be had here.

“But if that’s true, that could mean that you were part of the system. Another kind of control.”

Colin: 

I’ve seen all of these movies a few times, and I’m still not entirely sure what happens in this franchise. Probably cause I’ve only seen the third one like twice and didn’t enjoy it.

“Keep going.”

“I suppose the most obvious question is…how can I trust you?”

“Bingo.”

“It is a pickle, no doubt about it. Bad news is, there’s no way if you can really know whether I’m here to help you or not. So it’s really up to you. You’ll just have to make up your own damn mind. To either accept what I’m going to tell you, or reject it.”

Which is ultimately the most honest thing anyone’s said. “Yeah, I am a program, and there’s no way of knowing if I’m here to help you or get you killed, but that shit is on you. I’m gonna do what I do, and you decide whether your trust me or not.”

“Candy?”

Colin: 

That’s nice. She’s the old lady who’s offering candy. Do you trust her and take it, or not? Not super subtle, but I like it.

Mongo like candy.

“Do you already know if I’m going to take it?”

“Wouldn’t be much of an Oracle if I didn’t?”

Colin:

This is the metaphor for the relationship. He’s skeptical, which shows that he doesn’t trust her like he did. Then there’s his face. Keanu looking at inanimate objects. Then there’s Seraph in the back, sighing at this bullshit that he’s getting paid jack shit for.

“But if you already know, how can I make a choice?”

“Because you didn’t come here to make the choice. You’ve already made it. You’re here to try to understand why you made it.”

Colin: 

I was about to praise Keanu for his excellent ‘confused’ face, but that’s like praising a fish for swimming.

“I thought you’d have figured that out by now.”

Not too bright, though.

Colin: 

She calls him retarded. Hah.

“Why are you here?”

“Same reason. I love candy.”

I love how she responds to him. This is the kind of attitude I can fully understand.

“But why help us?”

This face.

“We’re all here to do what we’re all here to do.”

What?

Colin: 

I’d like to be the program in charge of titties.

I’m picturing Sam Neill in this franchise.

“I’m interested in one thing, Neo.”

Orphans?

“The future.”

Not totally off.

 

“And believe me, I know, the only way to get there is together.”

Or… wait a while.

“Are there other programs like you?”

“See those birds? At some point, a program was written to govern them. A program was written to watch over the trees, the wind, the sunrise and sunset. There are programs running all over the place. The ones doing their job, doing what they were meant to do, are invisible. You’d never even know they were here. But the other ones… well…you hear about them all the time.”

Colin: 

There aren’t programs like her. It’s interesting to me that some of the programs have bodies or whatever, and others are just governing parts of the system. Like, she’s a program and she can walk and talk and stuff, but the program deciding what the birds does doesn’t get to have a personality or whatever. I bet that’s a big divider in the Matrix’s locker room.

You’d think so, but it’s really not. The big divider is that she’s getting paid like an elite program and the numbers don’t back it up.

“I’ve never heard of them.”

What have you heard of?

“Of course you have. Every time you’ve heard someone say they saw a ghost, or an angel. Every story you’ve ever heard about vampires, werewolves or aliens, is the system assimilating some program that’s doing something they’re not supposed to be doing.”

Colin: 

To Neo’s credit (and I don’t feel this way often), she just set him up for some shit he couldn’t have possibly known and then made him feel like a shit for it. How do I know that a program not doing what it’s supposed to be doing manifests itself as a ghost or an alien? What part of that is obvious?

“Programs hacking programs…”

He’s so contemplative.

“Why?”

Colin: 

He said ‘why’ again. Cause that’s what his purpose is, apparently.

“They have their reasons, but usually a program chooses exile when it faces deletion.”

Why is the program given the ability to choose?

“Why would a program be deleted?”

Not the right question, but sure.

Colin: 

Why would a program be deleted? Maybe a program would be deleted because shut the fuck up iTunes, I’m sick of your update reminders and constant crashing.

“Maybe it breaks down. Maybe a better program is created to replace it. Happens all the time.”

Like Windows ’98.

“And when it does, a program can either choose to hide here, or return to the Source.”

Colin: 

I usually return to The Source for Wu-Tang Wednesdays or artist interviews. You see that piece with Twista, and that watch he had on? With the bezel? Congratulations to everyone who laughed at the idea that Twista is a deleted program.

Why wasn’t that the song that ended the last movie?

“The machine mainframe.”

That’s the Source, by the way.

“Yes.”

Okay, let’s stop for a moment. Are you catching all this shit they’re slinging? Because shit. Do we even want to get into unpacking all of this?

“And where you must go. Where the path of the One ends.”

Oh yeah, and there’s that.

“You’ve seen it. In your dreams. Haven’t you? The door made of light?”

“What happens when you go through the door?”

“Butt stuff.”

What is that jacket made out of?

Oh, but when he walks through the door… something happens.

Colin: 

“I see Trinity. And something happens.” What, do you *JIZZ* in your pants?

“Do you see her die?”

“No.”

Colin: 

This is the part where I always think of the MTV Video Music Awards (holy shit, I know.) skit with Justin Timberlake, Sean William Scott as a Smith parody and Wanda Sykes as the Oracle. They pretty much just make fun of Neo the whole time. Oh, and Will Ferrell as the Architect. The best part, though, is that they got the same actor to reprise his role as the Keymaker, cause apparently he doesn’t give a fuck.

“You have the Sight now, Neo. You are looking at the world without time.”

The Source, the Sight. Too many names.

“Then why can’t I see what happens to her?”

Did you not see her smash into that car? Because I did.

“We can never see past the choices we don’t understand.”

“Are you saying I have to choose whether Trinity lives or dies?”

“No, you’ve already made the choice. Now you have to understand it.”

Looks like he made the choice for her to die.

“No. I can’t do that. I won’t.”

That’s mature.

“You have to.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re the One.”

Colin: 

I hate answers like that. “Because you’re The One.” This would have been so much better if she’d just looked at him and left. Or said something nonsensical.

“What if I can’t?”

Motherfucker, are you listening? You already have.

“What happens if I fail?”

“Then Zion will fall.”

Colin: 

Wait, let me get this straight. If he fails to do something he’s already chosen to do, Zion falls? Why is that the case?

The best part is that the Architect will later go, “You can either save Trinity, or Zion will fall.” And he STILL chooses Trinity!

“Our time is up. Listen to me, Neo, you can save Zion if you reach the Source, but to do that, you will need the Keymaker.”

Of course, we need a random person we haven’t met yet.

Who is conveniently being held prisoner by a very dangerous program. The Merovingian. Which is a weird name for a program.

“What does he want?”

“What do all men with power want? More power.”

Not necessarily. I’d want titties and champagne.

“Be there, at that exact time. And you will have a chance.”

Colin: 

Wait, are they gonna go fuck?

Also, why that exact time? Isn’t the joy of the Oracle that it just happens to be the right time? Shouldn’t she not tell him the exact time he needs to be there? Because how do you reason that out? You have to factor in traffic and shit. You’re making it way more difficult for him to do this, even though, he’s apparently already done it.

“Seems like every time we meet, I got nothing but bad news. I’m sorry about that, I surely am. But for what it’s worth, you’ve made a believer out of me.”

Does she have bad news, though? Last time, she didn’t give him… well, I guess she said about the whole choice between lives thing. But that turned out okay. Unless we’re talking grand scheme thing, in which case… all right. Bad news. But at this point, isn’t there a precedent for the future not being written. After all, he doesn’t believe in any of that fate crap.

AND WHERE IS MY GODDAMN COOKIE, WOMAN?!

“Good luck, kiddo.”

Colin: 

I am thoroughly dissatisfied with all of the dialogue in that whole scene.

Is there a president in the Matrix?

(I’m guessing only Colin can figure out how my brain went from what he said to my question.)

But actually, is there one? How does the Mega City government work? (Mega City council?) There has to be a president, because the only way people would accept the Matrix is if it’s as shitty and miserable as real life. And that doesn’t happen without politicians fucking you every day with their policies and their creationist beliefs and their ideas that women don’t have rights and the ability to choose what happens to their own bodies. So there has to be something vaguely resembling government here.

And how does that work? Is it a puppet regime? Is the president a program? How do they run? Are there campaigns? Can the president be taken over by an agent at any point in time? I’d be amused by that, to see a CNN type speech happening and the camera gets all jiggly as Smith walks right up to the president and assimilates him. How does this work? There’s a police force, so there’s some governing body who put that in place. They pay taxes here. Because Neo has that weird feeling every time he pays them. Where do the taxes go? I need answers, guys, and this bullshit dialogue about him having the Shine is not cutting it for me.

I like how they just leave him here.

It’s almost as if they know.

And no sooner does the door close…

Weird how he showed up at just the right time.

“The fuck?”

Clearly they knew how badass this shot was.

Colin: 

What’s with the crows? Is that a death omen with Smith? Is that why the Oracle was looking at them? Or did John Woo just buy up all the doves at the movie animal store?

John Woo Bought Up All the Doves at the Animal Store.

“Mr. Anderson…. You get my package?”

“Smith.”

I thought the code was weird? How did you know it was him?

Are there code dialogue bubbles?

Are they just staring and… Marvel-ing at it?

“Surprised to see me?”

Well not anymore.

I guess you were confused by the dumb look that’s still on his face. Don’t worry, it’s perpetual.

I’ll take that as a no.

“You surprised to see me?” *puts on sunglasses*

“Well Smith, just like I said in the desert last movie…. this shit, just got real.”

“Then you’re aware of it?”

Colin: 

He isn’t aware of shit.

“Of what?”

“Our connection.”

Colin: 

I’m not sure what the connection is between them, but it’s amusing if you pretend he’s talking about AIDS.

Think about that connection the next time you bang Trinity.

I picture him looking down and seeing Smith looking up at him, all of a sudden, making this face:

“I don’t understand how it happened. Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, something overwritten, or copied. It is, at this point, irrelevant. What matters is, that whatever happened, happened for a reason.”

Colin: 

Man, do I love listening to Hugo Weaving talk.

How does Neo imprinting onto Smith allow him to do what he does? I’m glad he says it’s irrelevant, because it doesn’t make a fuck lick of sense.

Somehow they don’t sidestep this bullshit anywhere else. Because I guess only Hugo Weaving can get away with, “I’m supposed to be dead, but I’m alive. I don’t know how it happened, but it doesn’t matter, because this movie would suck without me.”

And he’s right.

Less Bullshit.

More Hugo Weaving.

“What reason is that?”

“I killed you, Mr. Anderson. I watched you die. With a certain satisfaction, I might add.”

Gotta love that little tag. I killed you. And, furthermore, I enjoyed it.

“And then something happened. Something that I knew was impossible, but it happened anyway. You destroyed me, Mr. Anderson.”

Is he saying it’s impossible that he destroyed him or impossible that he’s still alive after he destroyed him? It’s probably better left vague, but the question still stands.

“Afterward, I knew the rules, I understood what I was supposed to do, but I didn’t.”

Which – what a brilliant arc for this guy. A program who does what he’s supposed to do, and then is given the ability to do what he wants.

“I couldn’t. I was compelled to stay, to disobey.”

So, he was just programmed to follow the rules, but then when he was reborn, he was aware of what he was supposed to do, and then said, “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me?”

Not sure what the “compelled to stay” part was. I’m gonna go with Japanese law, where he was publicly shamed and was supposed to disembowel himself, and then he said, “Fuck that, I’m gonna stick my hand into people’s chests.”

“And now here I stand because of you, Mr. Anderson. Because of you, I’m no longer an agent of the system. Because of you, I’m changed, I’m unplugged. A new man, so to speak. Like you, apparently free.”

Colin: 

Isn’t it funny to think that the vast majority of this franchise can be traced back to Neo jumping into Smith and exploding him at the end of the first movie? They never explained what that was, how he did it, or what it meant, but that was what formed the connection and made Smith the super-villain he is. If Neo had just punched him to death, it would have been fine. For that matter, why the fuck doesn’t he still do the jumping into agents thing? Why would you ever fight someone when you could explode them instead? Exploding people would be the highlight of my Matrix experience.

Exploding People Would Be the Highlight of My Matrix Experience

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

This part actually is less bullshit and more Hugo Weaving.

“But, as you well know, appearance can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason why we’re here.”

Shots.

“We’re not here because we’re free.”

Is that lighting reflecting in his glasses?

“We’re here because we’re not free. There’s no escaping reason. No denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.”

Colin: 

Yes, Hugo Weaving, tell me more about purpose. That is YOUR purpose.

“It is purpose that created us.”

“Purpose that connects us.”

One purpose to rule them all, and in the Matrix bind them?

And you get the point. Lots of shit about purpose as we circle around introducing all the little Smiths.

(They actually did these scenes the way Social Network did them. Superimposing his face on the other actors’ bodies. Of course, the other movie involved performance, but still… same concept.)

“We are here because of you, Mr. Anderson. We’re here to take from you what you tried to take from us.”

His butthole cherry?

“Purpose.”

Oh.

Colin: 

I always imagined sex working a lot like this. Of course I was thrilled when I found out that, yes, it does work a lot like this.

“Yes, that’s it. It’ll be over soon.”

Colin: 

Seriously, is this not rape? Ink rape? Oh god, Japan.

Colin: 

What kinda OxyClean power is this?

Billy Mays used to be able to do this to people.

AND IT’S ON!

This face.

These faces.

It’s nice that you can clearly see how most of these are not actually Hugo Weaving. I like that they didn’t CG the whole thing.

I also have no idea how to screenshot half of this fight.

Hey, guy over there. Maybe… do something.

Out of curiosity, only the original Smith can assimilate him, right?

Also, faces.

He looks like he’s on a rowing machine.

Christmas card!

Or maybe, And a one, and a two…

Facial expressions.

OH GOD NOT THE HAIR

Facial expressions.

That’s going in the photo album.

Look at that dodge.

Does no one live here?

Does nobody live here?

Colin: 

Was that a shot from a GoPro mounted on Hugo Weaving’s shoulder?

Swept the leg then kicked him across the park.

Colin: 

This is kinda like the Anakin – Obi Wan fight in Episode VI. You get over the initial burst of action pretty quickly, and it becomes almost tiresome to watch. I get that they were doing groundbreaking stuff with CGI and effects, but looking back now, it’s juvenile.

There’s a lamp on in that window. Maybe somebody does live here.

SOMEBODY DOES LIVE HERE!

Oh shit, Consuela. You done seen too much.

Ramen, tomatoes, and tissues.

That’s one of those, “I’m just gonna stay in, jerk off and watch movies: kind of weekends.

But at least someone lives here.

Not anymore.

That’s a shame.

Really good noodles.

Colin: 

I saw a guy the other day who looked like the halfway point between this woman and the agent she turns into. Disturbing.

Ah… the other agent.

“You.”

“Yes, me.”

Did you not see the other forty of him over there?

Colin: 

That was a good shivving motion.

“Me, me, me.”

“Me too.”

That was brilliant writing. Actually not being sarcastic there.

Colin: 

Even as a kid, I recognized the ballerness of Hugo Weaving and lost it when he said, “Me too.” It’s a cheap line, but something about how much he enjoyed the joke pulled me in.

Colin: 

Also kinda sucks that this lady went out for groceries and got taken over by an agent who then got ink raped by a Smith. It’s like she got doubly raped.

Oh, shut the fuck up, Qui Gon.

Eww… tomato jizz.

One of my three greatest dislikes in the world.

Colin: 

Ew, tomato jizz. I bet Mike has something to say about tomato jizz.

Because it’s fucking gross! It’s like eating an abortion. Same for eating pea pods. Why would you eat something that’s basically a body bag?

And don’t even get me started on tin foil…

Oh good… they kept at least one bench in tact.

Colin:

I love how Neo stops for the close-up in a domestic violence pose.

“You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.”

I like how after they come through the fence, he just turns around and decks a motherfucker for like, no reason.

GROVE STREET REPRESENT!

Imagine if, in GTA, there was just one neighborhood of nothing but Agent Smiths. And any time a pedestrian spawned that wasn’t an Agent Smith, they just assimilated them, right there on the street. And if you walk through it on foot, they try to assimilate you if they come near you. And when you attack one, they all swarm on you. That would be pretty great.

Oh good, that bench is still okay.

Look at that guy in the back. “Ewww!”

And then he just kicks him in the face.

Completely animated. All of this.

But now we’re back to normal. Good for them.

What can you even say during all of this?

A HA HA fuck your flying Imma tackle your dumb ass.

Why doesn’t he have guns anymore? That would make this fight go a lot quicker.

So animated.

Hey look, it’s Peyton Manning Smith.

He gets thrown into walls a lot.

Colin: 

I have nothing to say for most of this. He gets crunched into the brick wall…is that supposed to be a callback to the subway fight? Is that what this is trying — and failing — to do?

Rock n roll!

Oh look, a random metal pole sticking out of the ground.

There’s also a sign there that says “No brawling.”

Uhh… okay.

I like the idea of him getting all the concrete off of it by bashing it against a guy’s chest. I also like the image of all of the concrete exploding like this.

The over the railing is a nice touch.

Colin: 

You just got hit with a concrete dingleberry. That shit looked PAINFUL.

You Just Got Hit with a Concrete Dingleberry.

Colin:

It’s a nice touch, the sound of the the wind whistling in the pipe ends as he twirls that shit like Bruce Lee Remick.

Have at it.

CG. So obviously CG.

Colin: 

You just got wanged in the head with a pipe.

But actually, these look like PS2 graphics.

Two benches.

Colin: 

How many benches are gonna get split in half?

This is like Johnny Cash and sinks.

Ah, the real one.

“More.”

He is doing cool shit with this pipe, though.

So did he just call them, or did they know to come? How did that work? He said more, and they’re just here.

The crazy 88.

Colin: 

They do love their vertical shots.

Weird how no one comes in and helps him. At all.

Also weird that none of the other agents know that other one got assimilated.

Remember when you were supposed to run from a single agent last movie?

Colin: 

The side effects need to not be.

BOOM!

What is this fuck doing?

At least he knows how to defend this from experience.

Or, not.

Just step on all of their heads.

TACKLE!

DOG PILE!

Colin: 

Hugo Weaving orgy? Technically, it’d just be masturbation.

That’s why he’s The One.

I know exactly where the Path of the One ends.

And so does Neo.

He knows that road.

He knows exactly where it ends.

Neo’s on the bottom of that. So it’s more of a Smithkake.

“It is inevitable.”

EUAHHH!!

And a bowling sound effect? What?

Colin: 

Bowling pins? No.

I guess this is the point where he gets up and Keanu… Leaves.

I like how a few are just dead.

Who gets to draw the chalk outline?

And then they just disperse. That’s great.

“Smith.”

“Yes.”

“Now there’s more of him.”

“A lot more.”

You’re talking like agents.

“Somehow he’s found a way to copy himself.”

“Is that what he was doing to you?”

“I don’t know what he was doing. But I know what it felt like. It felt like I was back in that hallway. It felt like dying.”

Colin: 

“It felt like I was back in that hallway. Getting plowed.”

– – – – – – – – – –

And that’s the END OF PART II.

Tomorrow is Part III, and a giant key party.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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