Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Reloaded (2003), Part III — “Serve the Plessy”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Reloaded.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it wahs for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the third part of The Matrix Reloaded.

We begin Part III with something that happens in every franchise, eventually… a council meeting.

Apparently the machines are tunneling. Going to intersect certain pipelines. So basically those are the ones that need to be defended.

Stuff we don’t care about that’s going to payoff whether we want it to or not.

Low rent Star Trek.

Colin:

Always with the names.

And there’s your fucking council. I told you.

This lady.

Basically… Lock can do whatever he wants, defense-wise. Though they are also interested in Morpheus.

Then they want a ship to go out to see what’s up with them. He doesn’t think the defenses can handle that.

“It will, Commander, if it must.”

Colin:

Don’t fuck with Dr. Cornel West.

‘It can take a single ship days to find the Nebuchadnezzar.”

“Then send two.”

This face.

He can’t comprehend why they want this.

“Comprehension is not a requisite for cooperation.”

Colin:

Not a requisite? That was a very Dr. Cornel Western line.

“The council is calling for two volunteers to aid the Nebuchadnezzar. Are there two among you that will answer such a call?”

Colin:

Why does this remind me of an episode of Ricki Lake? Maybe it’s the live studio audience sitting there watch as people bicker.

“Morpheus… you are NOT the father!”

“Captain Soren of the Vigilant will answer the Counselor’s call.”

Colin:

“Baby, your name should be ‘Campbell’ cause you are MM-MM GOOD.”

“Is there another?”

Colin:

The part where you’ve taken a stand yourself and have to wait to see if anyone else will stand up with you. “Oh Captains, my Captains…”

“Yo, we should do it.”

“Shut the fuck up, Bane, I got kids to feed.”

Colin:

I know all about this. My boss will rarely disappoint a client, so all you have to do is let something slip in front of people, and he just goes along with it.

“Is there no other?”

“It would be hard for any man to risk his life. Especially if he doesn’t understand the reason.”

“Captain Niobe of the Logos will answer the Counselor’s call.”

Colin:

Oh shit, son! Your girl thinks you ain’t shit!

Oh shit, she banged the gavel. Shit’s official now.

“Niobe, what are you doing?”

“What I can.”

“Why?”

“Because some things never change, Jason.”

He has a first name?

Colin:

Hah. Thinks he’s the Red Ranger. Did you guys know Mike looks like the Red Ranger? Hey…Power Rangers…PR…Puerto Rico. That’s weird.

“And some things do.”

That was vague and pointless.

Colin:

Is it just me, or is this movie full of platitudes that get thrown back and forth in the place of actual depth?

What is this hormonal sea of religious platitudes?

Colin:

Remember Twilight? Man.

“The Matrix is a system, Neo…”

Too crisp.

And why are there people here all of a sudden? There weren’t people any other time you guys went anywhere.

Colin:

This woman is troubling. Look at her outfit and her hair. What?

That’s Iggy Azalea.

“Stay the fuck out my elevator.”

Colin:

I always wanted to do that. Get in an elevator and shake my head at the other people trying to get on, and be black during all of this.

“What can you see, Neo?”

The code is encrypted.

Colin:

I would abuse that power so much. He can see everything in a building. I’d show up to places and be like, “You were going to offer me some of that beer on the left side of your fridge, second shelf, right?”

So he can see code, but if it’s encrypted, he can’t? What’s the point of being Jesus, then? Did we ever figure out how he learned to read code in the first place? He went from hanging with Cypher while he was doing shifty things and not being able to read the code right to “I’m gonna save Morpheus,” to dead to “I can see the code now.” Okay, when during that time did you learn how do read it? Was that a program you were loaded up with afterward? Did he have code tutoring?

“Is that good for us or bad for us?”

“Well, it looks like every floor is wired with explosives.”

“Bad for us.”

Why is that bad for you? Aren’t the other people here too?

There’s that 101 again.

Who decided everything in the Matrix was gonna be green?

Isn’t this how we all walk up to restaurants?

Who valeted their car?

Colin:

Wait wait wait the original Yellow Ranger is DEAD? Since 2001? Sorry, I just found out. Back to the movie.

Died on my birthday, too.

9 days before 9/11.

It’s a big deal in the Truther community.

“We’re here to speak with the Merovingian.”

“Yes, of course. He has been expecting you.”

Colin:

You ever think French people sometimes say things just to say them?

Seems like they’re just okay with the fact that he’s expecting them.

This is almost a reverse Assassination Attempt or Sex.

And the answer is little of column A, little of column B.

Colin:

Is this a restaurant on the 101st floor? Cause if so, bravo. I’m amazed there aren’t more windows.

Random guy being led out for no reason.

And Anne Hathaway down there on the left.

“A ha. Here he is at last.”

You say that like you’ve been at this restaurant for a week straight.

He says some shit about Trinity being beautiful in French. I guess he’s doing it to piss off his wife, because… no.

Colin:

That’s too many empty glasses. Why would you have that many glasses and leave them all empty? I usually have one glass around and it’s ALWAYS full of either booze, tea, or water.

Mine are often filled with all three. (Arnold Palmer counts as tea. And water can be solid.)

Colin:

I like to interpret this image as Morpheus giving the stink eye to that food on the plate there, cause what the shit is that?

I like to think he’s standing there, thinking, “That’s a dick. That is clearly a dick. Can no one else see that dick sticking up on that plate?”

Look at these fucks.

Colin:

Love the way this is set up. It’s like a piano with the black keys and the white keys. You know this is a shot where they placed the camera and then made everyone move a milimeter at a time til it was perfect.

Monica Bellucci.

She’s… been in some movies.

He offers them wine. I like that he admit such a thing doesn’t exist, which saves us the trouble.

They decline. Then he says some shit about time.

Colin:

I like this guy. People who decline wine should be doubted.

Squidwards are amused.

Colin:

Ew. Twins.

Best dinner party ever.

It’s great seeing people sit at formal dinner parties who have no business being anywhere near them.

He goes on about wine. They don’t give a fuck.

Colin:

A 1952? Damn. Nice wine. I’ve always wanted to drink a wine bottled before Brown v. Board of Education.

I’m worse than that. I sit there with my monocle, “Ah… yes… serve the Plessy. Good year, good year.”

Colin:

Serve The Plessy

“I love French wine, like I love the French language. I have sampled every language, French is my favorite. Fantastic language, especially to curse with. Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d’enculé de ta mère!”

Which, if my French still works — God damn it, fucking piece of shit, motherfuckin’ asshole, go fuck your mother.

“You see, it’s like wiping your ass with silk, I love it.”

They’re looking for the Keymaker.

Yes, but that’s not why. He wants to know why they want him.

But apparently he already knows the answer to that question.

“But do you? You think you do, but you do not. You are here because you were sent here. You were told to come here, and so you obeyed.”

Colin:

I like this guy because he’s the first one to tell them they have no idea what the fuck they’re doing. The Oracle helps them along and feeds them information more slowly than is necessary, but this guy stops them dead and laughs at them cause they’ve showed up trying to threaten him and they have no idea why.

And then he goes on about causality.

Morpheus says everything begins with choice.

And this is his reaction.

Colin:

Morpheus is like an idealistic freshman who gets shut down by the veteran professor. That’s why this character is interesting to me.

Hello, lady.

“No. Wrong. Choice is an illusion, created between those with power, and those without.”

For example…

He sent this lady a desert.

“I wrote it myself.”

Colin:

He wrote it. That’s cool. I would love to write dessert. It would probably be better for me than drinking it.

If I could write dessert that does this, I’d be rich.

Colin:

Narrating yourself fucking with strangers is one of life’s great pleasures.

Look at all those code calories.

Classic “Serve the Plessy” pose.

Colin:

This spoon looks like a Mylar balloon.

Colin:

This is an image begging for PhotoShop.

Taste the rainbow.

I’ll have what she’s having?

“It starts so simply, each line of the program creating a new effect, just like poetry. First, a rush… heat… her heart flutters. You can see it, Neo, yes?”

Colin:

He’s likening code to poetry…the tech nerds in the audience are probably gonna jizz too.

“Not this shit again.”

“She does not understand why – is it the wine? No. What is it then, what is the reason? And soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself.”

Colin:

And the pointy ears, too.

What’s with the cunt?

“This is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control.”

That’s the universe man. We just gotta bust a nut.

Orgasm cake.

Colin:

She doesn’t get involved in standoffs with the cops. She always comes quietly.

“Causality. There is no escape from it, we are forever slaves to it. Our only hope, our only peace is to understand it, to understand the `why.’ `Why’ is what separates us from them, you from me.”

Explaining things with an orgasm usually makes me believe them, regardless of the logic.

Colin:

The big bang. Jizz.

And apparently the only thing that matters is understanding why, and not the action itself.

“Why is the only real source of power, without it you are powerless. And this is how you come to me. Without ‘why,’ without power.”

Colin:

There sure are a lot of philosophical speeches in this movie.

“Another link in the chain.”

So he tells them what to do next, because he sees how good they are at “following orders.”

“Why did you cut to me when you said that?”

Colin:

Cause you’re a religious ass who does whatever your preacher tells you?

“Run back, and give the fortune teller this message: Her time is almost up.”

Tell that bitch Imma get her.

“Now I have some real business to do, I will say adieu and goodbye.”

He won’t give up the Keymaker.

Colin:

That’s it? They don’t even get lunch? This place looks good.

“Where are you going?”

“Please, ma cherie, I’ve told you, we are all victims of causality. I drank too much wine, I must take a piss. Cause and effect. Au revoir.”

Colin:

Programs have to pee? That’s rich!

I love that what he’s actually about to do is go to the bathroom and say, “Hey, that orgasm you had, I did that. Now blow me.”

“Touch me and that hand will never touch anything again.”

Colin:

What is that ring about?

About tree fiddy.

Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.

All right. Blow a kiss. That’s not creepy at all.

Colin:

What is it with Australians, Brits and Kiwis making kissy lips at people?

“Well that didn’t go so well.”

Now what do they do? They wonder if they misinterpreted the Oracle. But Morpheus says, “What happened happened and couldn’t have happened any other way.”

Sure. How does he know?

“We are still alive.”

Good reasoning.

Colin:

I’m pretty sure there were other potential permutations of this scenario that would have resulted in you being alive. Like, “Oh, you’re closed today? We’ll come back.”

“If you want the Keymaker, follow me.”

Colin:

I remember seeing this and filing Monica Bellucci away in with Sophie Marceau and Isabella Scorupco in the “Hot European Actresses” category.

I remember seeing something else for her. We don’t need to get into what it was.

This is actually getting into Quentin territory. They don’t do it erotically, but the frequency with which they do it is getting unsettling.

“Get out.”

Colin:

This is supposed to be the urinal, right? I mean, I don’t see urinals, and he’s peeing in it. But when I first saw this movie, I totally thought this asshole was just pissing in the fountain.

What’s weird about pissing into a fountain?

“I am so sick and tired of his bullshit. On and on. Pompous prick.”

Apparently he used to be different. He was like Neo.

Which opens up a whole bunch of other questions. Especially given what we’re going to learn later. Though not really, I guess, since we know he’s a program. But wouldn’t that have been interesting, if he was one of the previous incarnations of Neo, who took the other route? Oh well.

Anyway, Persephone (subtle, guys. Real subtle) tells them she’ll give them the Keymaker, if they give her what she wants.

Colin:

Persephone. Subtle. So he’s God of the Underworld and she’s basically there against her will.

I like that I don’t have to say anything on his shots, because you know he’s asking a question.

Colin:

See how they have her stop and make him ask ‘what’ before she tells him she wants a kiss? Do we really need another cut to Neo for another single-word query?

This his duty. He’s the one who asks the questions.

That’s his Native American name.

“A kiss.”

“Excuse me?”

Colin:

She is REALLY not attractive in this movie.

“I want you to kiss me as if you were kissing her.”

What if he kisses her all fucked up? What if he got down on his knees right now?

She wants to remember what love feels like.

Colin:

Of course an Italian (is she playing a French chick? With a Greek name? Whatever.) would ask for something like a kiss. “I want to feel that way one more time.” Fuck that. Ask for booze.

“Why don’t you sample this instead?”

Colin:

Kind of a gross overreaction, don’t you think? Pulling out the gun while we’re still negotiating? Little insecure, there, Trinity?

“Trinity.”

Nah nah, let’s hear this out. This might get interesting.

She kind of did overreact. That’s how you know one or both of them will die.

No sane person would hear this option and go, “Nah, too steep a price.” That’s a fucking BARGAIN.

They ask how they can trust her, but she’s like, “If I don’t follow through, she can shoot me.”

Colin:

Does she WANT to kill her?

“All right.”

I love the way he turns his head at that.

“But you have to make me believe I am her.”

Colin:

Look at her eyebrow. That’s some sex eyebrow.

“All right.”

Getting sassy today, aren’t we, Keanu?

He’s just a bag o’cass.

“Terrible. Forget it.”

“Wait.”

“Okay.”

Colin:

OH, he said ‘okay!’ Now we know it’ll be for real.

I thought he said okay and it gave Mark Wahlberg license to shoot him in the head.

Uh oh. Glasses are coming off.

Colin:

“All right. I’m The One, baby. They don’t call me The One cause I like pissin’ on you. I also like that, but they call me The One cause there’s nobody better. So are we making out in this bathroom or what?”

Dead eyes.

Her lip is hairier than his.

Colin:

Kisses can be kinda gross to watch.

This has nothing on the sex scene in Top Gun.

They should cut to Morpheus here, just to make it weird.

Colin:

Wouldn’t you get some titty?

That did it.

Colin:

She looks like she got some of that jizz cake.

She’s a program, right?

I think she just got defragmented.

Is she glowing? What’s with the lighting?

“I envy you. But such a thing is not meant to last.”

Time to get the Keymaker.

Colin:

Lunch. I want lunch.

Watch out, chef. You wouldn’t want to let that fish… burne.

That’s a lotta fucking soy sauce.

Colin:

I don’t know what that apparatus is. I’m drawing a blank, but…puppy chipper?

Yes, use the doors to focus attention on what matters.

If locks could feel, would this make them sexually aroused?

That’s a great house key.

Colin:

Magic doors are the shit.

I want a future where I can open a door and be at my destination.

I wonder where Fishburne got that thing he does with his arms.

Guards watching Hammer horror movies. All right.

Colin:

Hey, it’s Brides of Dracula, which I only recognize because I checked out Peter Cushing stuff during our Star Wars articles.

In honor of Carrie Fisher, I did a lot of drugs during the Star Wars articles.

Colin:

Is that a wine bottle on the ground? Aren’t they vampires? Plus, look at that TV. That was an AMAZING TV when this movie came out. It was also when people bought TVs. Hah.

Colin:

It’s always a good idea to put another movie in your movie to remind us that your color schemes get boring and that other, older movies did color way better.

Right, though? What ever happened to Technicolor?

The real best years for color are 1938-1940 and 1951-1956. And then anything done by Powell and Pressburger. Because holy fuck.

The guards work for her husband. They’re nearly unkillable.

Colin:

Old movies also did facial expression better.

Unless you have silver bullets.

Colin:

I thought vampires were supposed to be programs that were glitching or doing something wrong.

Wow. She just shot him right in the head.

That decision is pretty… irreversible.

This shot is their purpose in this movie in a nutshell. Things just happen around them, and they watch.

“You can either run to the restaurant and tell my husband what I have done, or you can stay there and die.”

Decisions.

Colin:

Why the fuck would she let the other one go? Kill him too, do your shit, and let him find out later. You got people killed because you called the cops on your own damned robbery.

“He’s in the ladies’ room!”

Colin:

I DO like the line about him being in the ladies’ room. You can tell they have a strong relationship.

Her handbag only exists to carry a gun. So she’s walking around with a gun at all times.

Really strong relationship.

The only reason to have bookcases.

Colin:

More trick bookshelves.

My house must have this. My office must be behind one of these. The other thing I want is a room full of bookshelves that just has one of them as the door. Not even a hidden one. Just the regular door. That would be the best.

I have so many plans for my house. I need to get rich so I can enact it.

Colin:

Hallways like this remind me of bomb shelters or bunkers. Bunkers are awesome.

I call all my bunkers Archie.

Colin:

This is a pretty… archy bunker.

This pose.

I bet they told her to do it this way. There’s no way she did that naturally.

Colin:

Women who point like that: What?

The beauty of these articles is that not only do we notice these things, but we have to comment on these things.

If we boiled this movie down to its essentials, it’s Keanu looking at object, Keanu asking questions, and Keanu opening a bunch of different doors.

You’re welcome for the supercut idea, youtube person.

This could be Being John Malkovich and you’d never know.

“Why do they call him the Keymaker?”

“Because he makes keys, Avi.”

Seriously, though. Does he just do it for fun? What the fuck do all of these do? I wanna go out drinking with this guy.

Colin:

I was expecting a hamster on a wheel because of those sounds.

Seriously, what do these keys do? You know he knows. He’s the Ollivander of keys. So just please, tell me. You had to make them for a reason. I don’t think you make them because you have to. And if you do, they all serve a purpose. I just wanna know. I’d rather listen to you explain what your keys do than hear half the shit they say in this movie.

Honestly, take out half the Zion shit in Revolutions and replace it with that — better movie.

Thank god he doesn’t say, “Are you the Keymaker?”

Colin:

KEY PARTY WHOO

This should be some kind of game. Or puzzle. One of these keys opens some kind of door. Choose.

Apparently everyone knows Neo is coming.

Especially Trinity.

Colin:

Isn’t he a prisoner of the Merovingian? Why does he have all his tools? Why does he have all this metal for making keys? We see him with all these keys that he’s made, but we don’t know if he made them for his captor, and he doesn’t bring them along, so…what? I don’t know why he’d be working here in captivity. And then later, he randomly has a key to a Ducati motorcycle. Like, of all the keys you have here, you brought a motorcycle key? I feel like they just surrounded him with keys so you’d know he was the Keymaker. But why did they have to do that?

Seriously, what do all these keys do? Is he just making random keys? Does one of these keys cure cancer? And the one next to it just makes a random stranger get diarrhea. I wanna buy your keys.

Look at the M encrusted in the wall. This motherfucker has power.

And now the shit is going to go down.

I picture him making the noise that Harvey Korman made when he ran into Bart and Waco outside the movie theater.

Colin:

I see that the vampire is back, and I’m trying to remember if he takes part in the fight with Neo. I’m pretty sure Neo’s hands aren’t silver bullets, so how does he handle him?

Isn’t silver bullets werewolves?

And aren’t they not actually whatever it is? I just thought they were emulating those monster creatures because that’s the representation that they are given in this world.

Plus, I always figured silver bullets was just some sort of force quit thing they have to get rid of the program.

This dude is Christoph Waltz before Christoph Waltz.

This entire sequence is the result of a domestic dispute.

I actually really respect that.

(But also, right, though, about the Christoph Waltz?)

“Cause and effect, my love.”

“Cause? There is no cause for this. What cause?”

What is wrong with your face?

What is wrong with all of you guys? You look like the motley group of sidekicks who band together because no one else wants you. You should be winning a science fair at the rec center, not hanging around with the biggest badass this side of Mega City.

And don’t think he isn’t, either. This motherfucker has a house in the mountains, he smuggles programs out of the Matrix, and the computers don’t say SHIT about it.

And he’s married to Monica Bellucci. I don’t know what her program is for, but I bet it gives great blowjobs.

“What cause? How about the lipstick you’re still wearing?”

“Lipstick? Lipstick? What craziness are you talking about, woman. There is no lipstick.”

Colin:

Every man who’s ever been caught doing anything knows that laugh.

He also wipes his face at the end there, like, “Nah, there wasn’t no lipsticks.” *checks hand to make sure* “See? Your argument is bullshit. I knew there wasn’t no lipstick there all along!”

“She wasn’t kissing your face, my love.”

Colin:

*CROTCH LOOK*

Game, blouses.

He says it’s only a game.

“So is this. Have fun.”

See? This entire sequence — domestic dispute.

Do we ever figure out why he has the Keymaker hostage? I’m guessing a mixture of ‘because he can’ and ‘convenience.’

He should blow a kiss back to the squid guys now.

“All right. Let us find out where this goes.”

Colin:

That’s cool. Let’s see where this goes.

I’m a fan of anyone with that attitude.

He tells them to get the Keymaker.

So you can do that.

Doesn’t really help the creep factor.

Actually more interested in the odds and ends programs this guy’s picked up over the years that anything we’re about to see.

“That’s a nice trick.”

See you next fall?

Keymaker out!

Colin:

He looks like he just made a doo-key in his pants.

“I’ll handle them.”

He says, with his arms weirdly still at his side.

“Handle us? You’ll ‘handle’ us? You know, your predecessors had much more respect.”

Also vague enough to support my wild notion from earlier.

And great that he’s survived all of them.

What a weird ass group of people. Who apparently have programmed uses, but we don’t know anything about them.

Also, that Asian dude apparently thinks his hand will work better than that gun.

Even here, with the Jesus imagery.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that shit.

Because we already loved it when we did it once, so let’s do it again and just have thousands of bullets. Because that won’t dilute the effect one bit.

Also, in a post Days of Future Past world, this is child’s play.

When you see him stop the first sixty, why would you bother to keep shooting? The smart person right now is holding fire until the first two idiots rush him. Then I start firing my ass off when he’s not paying attention.

The real One would be able to turn them around.

I hope they Home Alone on them later on.

Colin:

That’s hundreds of bullets on the marble floor. How are they all not slipping and sliding around during the fight?

And there are the two idiots rushing.

Right now, I’ve just shot him like four times in the back.

Colin:

What is it with rich white people and walls covered in weapons?

I love that fucking statue on the stairs. That guy is great. I want a dude, holding a torch and shouting at all my guests.

Why is he turned around? That thing must not have been placed properly on the stairs. Because that shouldn’t move.

Yeah, go ahead, jump. That’ll work out for you.

Why don’t you shoot him now?

Now would be a good time to point out — do not care about any of this.

Love this overhead shot of him running through doors.

How is he outrunning them, exactly?

Do you think that’s air they’re breathing now?

Also, must be nice to have a house with that many consecutive doors.

Colin:

Is this Asian a male or a female? I actually can’t tell. Those are some effeminate clothes and that’s a pretty ambiguous haircut.

You know who he reminds me of? (Two references in one article, too. Totally unplanned.) That guy in Snatch who shoots Vinnie Jones in the flashback. “You are gonna die, Tony!”

Colin:

That dude just got a flail to the head. Not a good way to go.

How did that kill him though? That should really just fuck you up, and leave you wandering around, wondering why you can’t feel your face.

Also, that’s a great way to go out.

Please have one of those around for when I die. Don’t kill me with it. Just imbed it afterward, so that way we can open coffin with that sticking out of my face.

Colin:

I don’t think sai actually make that noise.

Your face should just not be.

Maybe don’t just stand there and allow him to kick you like that.

Who’s gonna have to clean that up?

“You see, he’s just a man.”

A man who can stop a fucking blade with his HAND and only get a small cut?!!!

Colin:

The fuck? So he can get cut, but it won’t go all the way through? I don’t get it. He’s the one, but his skin isn’t?

A man who can do that.

That reminds me of that action sequence in Octopussy (a statement I try never to say). When Bonesaw was trying to fuck up Roger Moore.

Remember Bonesaw?

He was ready.

To the window!

To the walls.

Apparently he can Force summon shit.

Colin:

Was that THE FORCE? What? What’s going on?

This sequence is ridiculous.

HE HAS A TRIDENT!

He just punched him in the face with a dagger.

What is even happening right now?

He hasn’t really stabbed anybody yet.

This is some Zack Snyder shit.

See, he just slashed him across the back, but he hasn’t out and out beheaded anybody or anything. Which is weird, since, they’re programs, not people. You can kill them.

Rookie mistake.

Wait, that shit worked? One punch to the face and the guy is out?

Colin:

He doesn’t even kill the Asian guy (?), he just sticks him to the wall and knocks him out. That’s just degrading.

That was more of a… boxer rebellion.

This is a pretty bad fight for screenshots.

He said. Again.

Colin:

This fight is more entertaining than the Smith fight earlier. They’re switching weapons and messing around with the area. Sorta like the Michelle Yeoh – Zhang Ziyi fight in Crouching Tiger. That was some good shit. That part when Michelle Yeoh can’t lift the huge weapon and Zhang’s like, “HAH! I’M COMING FOR YOU, BITCH!”

Honestly, I’m down for any movie where a tiny Asian woman runs after another with a katana and shouts, “I’m coming for you, bitch!”

Have you guys seen Milk?

I like that all of his statues are shouting.

Nope.

KNEECAP THAT STATUE!

Colin:

I bet it stings all the dictators to see that statue topple.

Dictators hate metaphors.

They like cultural diffusion.

SPARTA KICK!

Colin:

Seriously, notice how the Asian guy shows up again and IMMEDIATELY gets flicked out of the action while Neo deals with the more competent white dudes?

Stab this fuck!

FUCKING FINALLY!

Colin:

That’s a pretty impressive tally ho tally.

Colin:

These guys are hilariously outmatched.

All of his wood stick noises sound like knives, so when he hits them, it sounds like he’s slashing them, but he’s not.

I like how the Merovingian is just standing there. All that dude had to do for two weeks is stand in the corner of the room as this shit was being filmed.

Colin: