Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Reloaded (2003), Part IV — “Squiddledee and Squiddledum”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Reloaded.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the fourth part of The Matrix Reloaded.

We begin Part IV with the more interesting, non-Keanu part of the action.

You know… because there are stakes here.

I’m a big fan of running down steps. Not like, in movies. Just, in life.

I find that I’m a very coordinated human being. I don’t trip and fall over easily. I’ve always had good balance, which allowed me to learn the great joys in going up and down stairs.

The best is when I’m jogging through somewhere and, rather than slow down, zip down an entire staircase, hitting every step, without breaking stride, and continuing on. Sure it looks weird to other people, but fuck it, efficiency.

Anyway, this key-making fuck is running.

Colin:

Why does this look like Hogwarts? What if those universes mixed? What would magic people in the Matrix be? Were there real magic people? Could Smith ink the Fat Lady?

He asked, at 11:28 am on a work day.

We should say this in the next movie when they show up at the Merovingian’s club. “Why does this look like Hogwarts?”

Because technically they do have a dungeon.

Also — Cedric Diggory is Mouse.

Mouses dig.

And, because he gets killed like halfway through the story.

Does Japan have tentacle ghost rape?

If it’s an octopus, does that make the term succubus more accurate?

Has anyone ever been raped by a ghost octopus?

Why is there not a band called Ghost Octopus?

Why is there not a child called Ghost Octopus?

Ghost Octopus Johnson.

I’m starting early, people, because this part is nothing but a giant action sequence, and we need shit to talk about.

Colin:

Random kabuto and samurai armor just chilling. Sword? Check.

I love how he stops. “Hang on bitch, I need this.”

Also, what’s the opposite of “silly caucasian girl likes to play with samurai swords”?

The answer is this moment right here.

I wish that suit of armor on the right had a metal boner sticking out. That would be awesome. Wouldn’t it be great if those suits had giant dick pieces sticking out of the front?

I know there’s a movie going on here, but trust me guys, you’re gonna miss this later, when it’s all car chases and nothing to talk about.

“Where are you going?”

“Well, obviously through this door, bitch.”

Is the Keymaker wearing a loom bracelet?

Wait, how did Morpheus get ahead of dreads?

Also, look at the old school tires on those cars.

Are those just old cars sitting there?

Why not have that chase? The fucking 40s Cadillacs chasing each other down.

He seems nice.

What if they stopped the chase right here, and very slowly started sawing his arm off?

Also, look at Morpheus’ face. He looks so pleased with himself.

Colin:

Dude is getting his arm shot the FUCK up. That’s your beat-off arm, dude.

That’s Your Beat-Off Arm, Dude.

Nice blood spatter.

“Could we move along?”

Colin:

These guys look stupid.

3D!

Also, what is up with your teeth?

Reaction shots.

It’s pretty great how that was his only plan. “Oh shit, the door thing didn’t work? PEACE!”

Kind of a waste of bullets when you know he can just do that.

And the other dude’s just chilling there with a swiss cheese arm.

And now who’s for a shave?

And Morpheus is just chilling there.

Oh, no, my knife! I loved that knife, my grandmama gave me that shit on Flag Day 2002.

That’s a weird move. The “Go ahead and try to stab me.”

This actually looks like Hugo Weaving going to a Halloween party.

“Ugh! How dare you rip my latex?”

Shiv her in the titty!

Colin:

Just kill her and spare us all.

“Step away from the door.”

Can’t he just do his ghost thing and not be stuck?

Or is it because there’s a bullet in his arm that makes him unable to do it?

Have they even given us rules for how this works? Because he actually could just have done the ghost thing the whole time. Is the door some kind of program thing that prevents him from doing it until he goes through? Because it didn’t prevent the other guy from going through his arm when he flew through the door? Are we even bothering to deal with consistency here? Because I’m still wondering how Morpheus stopped to pick up the katana and then made it ahead of the guy in time to close the door on him.

Colin:

I’m pretty sure that’s like, he needed to make sure the door was still open with the key, cause once it’s closed again, that portal is severed. So he needed to keep the door open for the other twin to fly through, and now he needs to keep it open because if he phases right now, the arm holding the door open will be “gone” and the portal will be closed with part of him still on the other side.

We know it’s the key that makes the portal work in the proper way, so even if they open it again from this side, it won’t be to the same place. So he’s staying solid until he can actually pass through the portal or pathway or whatever completely and then fix himself.

“Yeah, whatever, motherfucker.”

“We owe you for that?”

What? $16? A handy?

Because ghosts can’t give you handys.

Apparently he can do ghost surgery.

So that worked? How come he couldn’t do that through the door? I’m so confused.

“Just like new.”

Wait, how come you had blood?

What is going on?

They tell him to drop his weapon.

So he gets a new weapon.

Look at that fucking hair.

The complete and utter disgust on his face is incredible.

Colin:

Maybe I’m spacing out, but I think I’ve reached my limit for action.

Colin:

Sometimes she stands…in ways.

Colin:

I remember this was big because Cadillac was showcasing the CTS and its new angular design direction. They still haven’t sold me on it, though it did turn the company around. They also filled this whole parking garage with Cadillacs from the 1930s on, and didn’t really give us the time to notice. But your brain did.

“Stay with him.”

“What about Neo?”

“He can handle himself.”

Sometimes they write dialogue.

The way she runs away after this is just hysterical to me.

He brought a knife to a knife fight.

I think this is a knife fight.

Is this even a fight?

Technically this is a simulation of a fight.

This is your brain on The Matrix.

They can turn the character into a bitch, but he’s still got some badass left in him.

This sequence is basically the last vestige of awesome Morpheus.

“Motherfucker, I’m driving.”

Colin:

Hah! Get it? She’s saying Asians can’t drive.

Taking on two squids at once.

Katan-oh, you missed.

What were these two like as kids? I bet their parents fucking hated them.

I like these guys in theory. How they can dematerialize whenever they’re about to take a direct hit. Really annoying for a boss fight. My only issue… why do they have to look so goddamn weird?

Colin:

Guys like this make you wonder why you couldn’t make more ridiculous stuff. Like, if these guys can exist as hacks or whatever, they should make more badasses. Like a Machamp or something. But these guys are programs that clearly don’t belong in the Matrix and shouldn’t have been made in the first place, but something allows them to continue existing when the agents could probably come and mess them up too.

It’s really too bad that we never see a showdown between these random programs and Smith or the agents. Where Neo gets to stand by and watch as Smith crushes one of their mutual enemies. Those points are great cause you can feel bad for someone you hated only moments earlier.

The whole point of this is I don’t give a shit because we’ve established that they can’t be hit, so this is all just filler until we get to the car chase.

Colin:

See…during all of this, I’m looking at the cars. And now that I can see them in a freeze frame, that old one in the back is the slightly older, hardtop version of the car Berenice Bejo drove in The Artist. The one right behind them looks like an Eldorado, but I’m not sure. It’s reminding me of the one Jerry Seinfeld had in the Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee episode with Don Rickles.

Don’t we all love Don Rickles?

Colin:

I know I mentioned this before, but there has to be a better gun for them to hack in. You can have any gun you want, and you get that one? How about Link loads them up with a BFG 9000? These assholes would be DOOMED.

I think Link should load up a shifty-ass A-rab.

The best is that he just storms off angrily at the end of this shot.

He looks like he wants to ask a question.

What’s the time jump on this? Did they just run all through the house while he was fighting all those guys? And he just got there now? I feel like there’s some sort of time discrepancy in this.

Colin:

I don’t get what the deal is with doors like this, like all of those big bolts make them strong. Anyway, I would like that door, particularly as the entrance to my underground chilling bunker.

I feel like if I had a bunker it would be purely for drinking, jerking off and watching movies.

I feel like if I had most things it would be purely for drinking, jerking off and watching movies.

Wouldn’t it be funny if Chow-Yun Fat and Ziyi Zhang went flying across the mountains while he was standing there?

“Shit.”

“Link, where am I?”

“You’re not gonna believe this. You’re all the way up in the mountains.”

Really? Because it looks like that’s where he is.

“Really?”

That is actually the one time one of his questions came off funny.

Colin:

For once, Link is the space cadet. I’m up in the mountains? Fucking really.

Though, he can just go back inside the fucking house. The door is still right there.

Is that where the house is? Is that what just happened?

Also, fucking wait — HOW DID HE GET CELL SERVICE TO LINK UP IN THE FUCKING MOUNTAINS?

The other great thing is how Link stops and goes, “Oh shit, those twin things are after Morpheus and Trinity and I don’t have a way to get them out.” Like, didn’t he know they were after them? Or did they just disappear through the door and you were like, “Oh, well, shit’s fine, they’ll resurface”?

But anyway, they’re being chased by Squiddledee and Squiddledum.

Everyone else is 500 miles due south.

Which means…

“I oughta punch you, ground!”

Colin:

What place in the US looks like that?

That looks like where Zordon had his headquarters.

Colin:

I realize now that in their world, this isn’t the US. That there’s Mega City, and it’s located in whatever place that doesn’t match our planet. This is the biggest thing that they never address, is how there can be people with the same languages and cultural references without any of that history or geography. How is there French with no France? And if you remember, you see Neo’s computer loading newspapers when we first meet him, and it talks about Morpheus escaping capture at Heathrow Airport. But there is no London, and no UK.

Is there really not another phone within 500 miles of this place?

How did this guy get a house this far away?

Probably if you don’t want the agents to find you, live here.

What is that?

Garage alarm?

Somebody needs to retile that building.

Ferris Bueller?

Nope, just product placement.

Colin:

I recognize that car we can see the front of behind the mailboxes but I can’t place it. This is gonna kill me.

How about now? If we back up the shot. Does that help?

Looks like something out of a Bond movie to me. Either a Living Daylights 80s car or the one that turned into the submarine.

Colin:

Oh holy shit, yes. That was painful, and it was difficult to place, but I did it. And believe me, when I did my notes, I scoured the Internet looking for someone who knew what it was and came up with nothing. Nobody has pointed out this car, and it’s a great car.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a 1984 Toyota Celica Liftback. I’m pretty proud of myself that I was able to figure out what it was based on that little bit of car. Confirmation came from the headlights that wrap around the corner and the hubcaps.

That can’t be good for the car.

Also, cars probably don’t do that.

Or, actually, who needs to back it up. Here’s a full side shot of the car.

Colin:

Ah, shit. Now I feel less amazing about myself. Still, the woman walking across the shot at that second makes it look less like a liftback, so the backed up shot was still helpful.

What kind of fucking grenade phone is that?

“Get us out of here.”

Colin:

You think they’d use bluetooth to keep a free hand.

Look at that nice ass steering wheel.

The only exit’s he’s got is the “Winslow Overpass.”

Named of course after Carl Winslow. Because who else would you name it after?

“Off the freeway?”

Where the fuck else would an overpass be?

“Fine. We’ll make it.”

Why is there a phone off the freeway by an overpass? Seems like a bad place to put a phone.

Also bizarre that somehow, in the middle of this city, there are no landlines.

“Sir, I think I should say… oh SHIT, look out behind you!”

They shot this on the Warner Bros. back lot.

Them’s Terminator bullet holes.

Look how thrilled she is to have driven so well.

They just took the bumper clean off of that car.

Colin:

I saw that once. In Troy, New York. Van came screaming through an intersection with the right of way as a guy in a Dodge Ram pickup tried to make a blind left turn. The van took the front of this enormous pickup clean off. It was just a single metal bulkhead and some very shocked people inside.

This is what happens when you don’t buy GM. Is what they’re saying.

And they like it.

Colin:

I can NEVER tie my ties like that and it bugs me.

A HA HA HA that’s great. Smiling white guy, smiling white guy, black guy not smiling.

“Are you watching this, Link?”

Nah, man, I’m watching the game. I got a hundred g’s on SMU.

And now the cops, too. This is kind of like GTA. Doing missions, getting stars.

Colin:

Normally we wouldn’t worry about cops, but Morpheus is with them.

Steak!

Colin:

By this point, I expect that even the less eagle-eyed viewers will have noticed that they’re in a Cadillac, being chased by a Cadillac. Yeah. Can you smell the cash?

This scared little Asian fuck is still here.

Link tries to tell them how dangerous this is.

“Link, what did I tell you?”

“Yes sir, I do, sir.”

“Good man.”

“You always told me to stay off the freeway.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“You said it was suicide.”

“Then let us hope that I was wrong.”

Or let us hope you have Jesus with you.

“Fuck you, gate.”

Aww… now she’s here. “We’ve been sent to bring you in.”

Which is never a good thing.

Link tells her to “follow the sirens.”

Colin:

She looks like she’s going to one of those weird parties. I want to take the cast of this movie to J. Crew or something.

This is a cool shot.

Colin:

Tunnels are great, but this sequence has exactly zero characters on hoverboards.

Colin:

Oh wait, here’s something I’ve never done. This is like Bond — let’s take a look at all the cars in this chase. Maybe they’ll ALL be GM.

Colin:

They look so goofy when they’re getting taken over by agents, and you know that the actors had to do this. This is silly to me. I’d have preferred if they did it with the reveal every time rather than showing us this.

They’re after the Keymaker. Which is interesting. They’ll let Morpheus and Trinity go if it means getting the Keymaker.

Colin:

That makes zero sense, too.

Colin:

Remember what cars used to look like? Cause I do. Man, my whole childhood up to like….2004 or so was a BAD time for cars.

I’m a fan here of the three perspectives. We’re looking through the windshied of a cop car, at the squid guys, who are chasing Morpheus and Trinity. And, by default, that means the agents are coming to play as well. So there are four separate perspectives here, all three of whom are at odds with one another, two of whom are after the same thing, for different reasons. Honestly, if not for the emphasis on action, you could have really done something great here, with just the logistics of who wants what.

Yeah, sure, lift up your head. That’s smart.

That’s a gas tank right there you can shoot at.

How is he not dead right now?

Colin:

Look at this line of awful. There’s nothing appealing about this lineup of vehicles. Definitely before I was into the CTS, and SUVs can all tip over and die.

This is essentially the car allegory of racial relations in America.

There are bullet holes on top of the roof.

Colin:

Oh, you actually did it. Oh. Well that’s cool. I hate SUVs. And crossovers. What a USELESS auto segment.

Colin:

Chevy Impala cop cars. Then the twin dude shoots the Chevy Tahoe SUV. Then an Oldsmobile flips. So there’s that. The agent jumps on a Buick LeSabre. So all still GM, of course.

These are oddly placed bullet holes.

Speed checked by radar.

Colin:

Everything flips except them. Maybe you should try shooting them some more.

Colin:

These are like all the models, by the way, that are being recalled at the moment. GM vehicles from the early 2000s.

Colin:

You know Obama got shit while he was in China about riding in his own Cadillac limo instead of rolling in the Chinese limo? And to the Chinese people who protested this choice, I say: C’mon, buddy.

This would be a great skill to have on giant car rides when you have to put people in separate cars. Just hop back and forth and hang out with both sets of people.

This guy is pretty useless outside of keys.

Always wear a seatbelt.

This dude has trouble with his arm.

BELT WHIP!

Colin:

Everything in this scene is blurry. This movie isn’t as good on shots as the first one was cause they just threw CGI at it, didn’t they?

Yup… just sit there.

Colin:

He looks like he’s tripping balls. Why does he look so calm during all of this? Does he have to wear those clothes? Can he be better?

He played Grandpa Gohan in Dragonball: Evolution.

So, no.

That’s not how Chinese fire drills work.

Colin:

Something about this shot out of context…the agents all had to be white people.

I’m Agent Jones and welcome to Jackass!

Colin:

My shitting pose.

Snap on.

If they did spoofs of this now, this agent would be played by Rob Riggle.

In this movie, he’s played by CGI.

Colin:

See how they stripped down this car for the stunt? No door lining.

Colin:

Remember The Blues Brothers? The sad thing is that for all the crazy effects they employed in this movie, it won’t top the awesomeness of like 50 cop cars piling up.

This is what it’s like driving on the 101 every day.

It would be great if you had a button you could press that just released a spring in the hood and sent him flying.

So that’s a pretty great thing to do, even though I doubt it would come apart as smoothly as that.

Ever try to peel the shipping label off a package?

Colin:

It’s comical that Trinity is not looking up right now.

And now they’re both shooting at him. That’s great.

Colin:

This isn’t suggestive at all.

These look like the Keanu faces on the TVs later.

Also, I think his hand just won at Solitaire.

I love the one all the way in the back, who seems to be posing for a 1960s Coca Cola commercial.

I also wish I could have a bunch of these versions of my face, just doing this all the time on a wall or something.

Yeah, the braking was good, but it would be so much better if Morpheus shot him in the fucking face right now.

That minivan’s been in front of them since before the freeway.

What is your earpiece hooked up to?

Meanwhile…

(Also, this is what charity is like.)

This is exactly what charity is like.

Love that. She’s driving, and then she just smacks him in the face with her bloody forearm.

Colin:

You would need a lot of front passenger room to maneuver a katana in a car. Good points for Cadillac there.

That’s a shame. Would have been cool if he was just stuck there… between a katana and a hard place.

Colin:

I remember seeing the twin dude phase into the car like that and hoping that we could do that in the future. Fuck going to the train station, just stand on the tracks for one to show up wherever’s closest.

“We are getting aggravated.”

“Yes we are.”

Colin:

We should shut the fuck up and stop being twins.

What is that above the mirror? A camera? A microphone? I feel like whatever it is, it doesn’t belong in the shot.

Colin:

Just so we’re clear, no normal car can take that many bullets.

Only the shitty cars have license plates.

Colin:

More movies should have sparks. Lots of sparks. Like Power Rangers.

Why is there only one t in Paterson?

Also, I thought you were going toward the Winslow overpass.

Are there multiple overpasses on this highway? Why did you get on so far away?

How come there wasn’t a phone anywhere in between where you were and where you’re going?

Why am I asking questions?

Colin:

I wonder if they did this for real. Fitch barriers are supposed to be full of sand, but in the movie it always looked like water to me. I guess here it looks like sand after all.

Colin:

Why are we stopping?

We are getting aggravated.

Colin:

See? Doesn’t that look like water on the pavement, rather than sand?

“Trinity. Get him out of here.”

Yeah, get him out of my badass shot.

That’s all artificial lighting.

That ain’t the magic hour.

You can’t really have the magic hour in The Matrix.

Colin:

Whoa. There’s a Jeep down there. That’s a Chrysler product.

That semi looks like Optimus Prime if he were sent to the junkyard in The Brave Little Toaster.

Colin:

Spatial relationships, people. At that speed, you’d need to be over the guard rail before the thing was out from under the bridge.

Yeah, okay, you both landed on your feet.

The bullet holes actually look pretty great on that car.

This.

“The fuck is this asshole doing?”

This is the moment you know some great shit is about to go down.

Colin:

That’s not right, is it? See how the city is behind him here, but we’re looking perpendicular to the straight highway that goes to the city? There’s only one city, and it’s to the left of this shot.

Colin:

Damn. That a Hanzo sword? I’m wondering if that would be legit.

Nah, son, this is the Matrix. He’s got them Michael Jordan Space Jam abilities.

Colin:

I mean, I don’t like any of this sequence, but these are shots.

Colin:

Badassery.

This is really the end of Morpheus. This is where he peaks.

The worst part is, he can’t even finish the sequence on his own. Neo has to get him out of it. So this is actually the end.

Little bit for fighting the agent, but even that’s more anticlimactic than anything. This is his high point.

That fire looks awful.

And then they just disappear from this movie. Somehow they go up and don’t come down right back into the flames and burn to a crisp.

Colin:

Also unlikely that it would explode that big.

Mostly I’m wondering why traffic continues throughout all of this.

Traffic always continues.

I feel like that’s actually realistic. Since I see how we drive as people. I’m moving the second the ambulance is right next to me. I got shit to do. If you ain’t hitting me, we’re moving.

She needs a download…

Nah, son. She doesn’t. She got the Keymaker.

“You are handy.”

And handsy, too.

Damn, look at the booty.

Colin:

Damn, look at that booty.

I know this is all CGI, but the worst part about all of this to me is how clean that tire looks.

No.

Colin:

And now it’s that part where they’re speeding down this highway at speeds in excess of 100 mph and the filmmakers are hoping we don’t notice them passing the same handful of GM vehicles over and over.

I like how they have to show them in the mirror, because if the guy didn’t see them, then the agent couldn’t turn into him.

I still wonder what happens to these people after the agents are done with them.

Presuming they don’t die, of course. Like, if the agent takes over this guy, they go somewhere else, and he switches to someone else. Does this guy show up, in a different place than he was before, like, “What the fuck just happened?”

Clotting.

Colin:

Hey, that bike they’re on, the one that says “DUCATI” — who makes that?

Don’t even get me started with that shit…

Here’s a question — do they even know where they’re going?

So you were just traveling in the wrong direction on a hunch, cop car?

Colin:

Now they’re going into traffic, which — no. Death. But is it ridiculous that I’m still picking out all GM vehicles, even at combined closing speeds of like 150 mph?

This is a nice shot. Not like, shots article nice. Just… nice.

Shoot her in the head, right now.

Or just look at her. I guess that works too.

Where are all these people going?

Where does this freeway lead to?

Are there Matrix suburbs?

Or do people just drive on a loop to simulate reality?

How’d you get on top of this truck, again?

Oh, well, I guess it doesn’t matter how you got here, as long as you have a katana.

And those purple pants.

Colin:

Black people in this franchise are so wild about the color purple.

Yeah, that seems like the smartest thing you could do.

Don’t encourage him, you asshole!

Interesting choice.

Colin:

Oh…okay.

And these truck drivers just do not give a fuck whatsoever.

So you thought that was the safer option, having him flip you up on the top of a truck rather than stay on the motorcycle with a clearly skilled driver?

And he just hops all up on there like it ain’t nobody’s business.

“That’s right, bitch, and what?”

“Hmm.”

I thought she wasn’t the target.

Oh, good. They didn’t ignore that.

That radio looks old.

Colin:

This is funny to me, cause where are you going? They’re on the top of a moving semi, and Morpheus is still like, “I’m parked over by the commissary.”

Because of course that needed to happen.

Also, there are a lot of overpasses on this highway.

The facial reactions right here are perfect.

I’d like this shot better if it weren’t so CGI.

Colin:

Shitting pose.

Colin:

Those factories in the background are spouting pretty black smoke.

Remember when you said it was dumb to fight an agent? What’s up with this? You’re all confident now that you saw Jesus do it?

Colin:

He looks like he uses Dapper Dan.

He probably uses Fop.

Out of context screenshots.

What’s with the arm band?

Colin:

That’s one of your options.

Colin:

Did I leave the stove on?

Is that the power plant they blow up later?

I could not care less about any of this.

Uh huh.

Yeah, that’s what you do. Look at the guy, and not, you know, KEEP FROM FUCKING FALLING.

I like upside down shots.

Just not of this guy.

It must have sucked to be this Asian guy.

He had to sit there for two weeks as they shot this fight scene, and do nothing.

Colin:

I like this as an image that you could show someone like 20 years before this movie came out, and they’d be like, “….what?”

I say that a lot about Pink Flamingos.

Nope.

And the driver of the truck is just like, “Nope, everything’s cool.”

Where is the other agent during all of this?

And Trinity?

Oh shit, right, the katana. Crazy how you didn’t think of that at all during this fight.

Why wouldn’t you just knock him across, grab the Keymaker and jump? Why go after him?

Oh, you done fucked up now.

Colin:

You were a little too quick with the sword.

Taking Neo’s move now?

Also, what are you so smug about? You cut his tie off. Cut his fucking HEAD off!

Colin:

Breakin’ out those Mitsurugi moves. Should have tried some Yoshimitsu.

Whoa. They bleed. Shouldn’t they not?

Colin:

See, I don’t get why they look the way they do, or why they have these superfluous bits. If you consider that they’re programs, their appearance is also part of the programming. Other than the idea that even intelligent robots would not program something with aesthetic in mind, there’s never a reduction to their more basic level like we see in Terminator.

Even if you can come up with a reason for why they would be dressed this way, and why the tie is only a tie (i.e. cutting it off doesn’t damage or cripple the program because it houses no vital code), it’s weird that you’d be able to cut them or do any damage. Wouldn’t you program them to be hard as diamonds, or something?

Colin:

Oh, you think you Miyamoto Musashi?

Aww… bye bye sword.

Uhh… okay.

That was a pretty wide arc backward.

You probably would have fared better if you just flew right off the back.

Colin:

Has he seen Venice yet?

But deux ex Pinkett.

Colin:

Hey, an old car! Pontiac Firebird. Of course they go with GM.

After she catches him, Link says, “She’s good.”

Colin:

She’s good? She drove a car behind a truck. Morpheus just fought an agent on top of a moving tractor trailer.

“You are no longer necessary.”

Colin:

What’s with the monologuing? Even machines have to monologue?

“We do only what we’re meant to do.”

“Then you are meant for one more thing.”

Is it Mario Kart? I kind of hope it’s Mario Kart.

“Deletion.”

“Go kick his ass.”

Remember last movie when they were deathly afraid of fighting agents?

Colin:

Remember the last movie when we were invested in the story? I really think we could do a decent job with a franchise (or consulting for one) because of how you need to keep things scary and resist the urge to escalate. I’m more invested in a fight between one Jedi and one Sith than I am in a fight between 200 Jedi and thousands of robots. Just about every franchise that decides to escalate like that with the second movie ends up ruining shit.

You can’t remove the thrill we get from the threat and just replace it with some new badassery. New badassery gets old. Threats are always threatening. Lord of the Rings kind of handled this with Two Towers, where it’s still death, and they’re not doing shit that would have been IMPOSSIBLE in the last film — our main characters go from badass and outnumbered to still badass and more outnumbered. Here, we go from every person who’s ever dealt with an agent has died, to handling multiple UPGRADED agents with relatively little trouble. Does not compute.