Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Reloaded (2003), Part V — “Am I Rooting for the Robots Now?”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Reloaded.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of The Matrix Reloaded.
We begin Part V with a really weird transition from Part IV, if you’re watching it continuously. (Like, you know… a movie.)
“There is a building.”
This sounds like the first line of a trailer.
Colin:
That was a really abrupt change. And now we’re being set up for the next sequence. That’s all this is. They did like 80 minutes of action punctuated by a non-lunch, and now they need to set up the final sequence, so they do so with no transition at all. No debrief, no discussion of purpose or whatever. They’re driven to do whatever they’re doing, and don’t pay attention for even one second that the Merovingian was right when he said they have no idea WHY they’re doing it.
Red chair!
Motherfucker, who let you into his chair?
“Inside this building, there is a level where no elevator can go. Where no stair can reach.”
Colin:
Sounds like a dwarf realm.
He has a lot of information for someone who is just meant to make keys.
I guess he changed the locks in this building?
“This level is filled with doors. These doors lead to many places.”
Really? So unlike the Ministry of Magic, where doors lead to 100 foot precipices for like, no reason?
Colin:
We’ve already seen all of this, and you’re just saying it this way because you can. Why doesn’t anyone talk like a person?
“Hidden places.”
I like sentences that are structured like that. “Places. Hidden places.”
It’s the Bond. James Bond structure. That’s why.
Or even, “We’re gonna do stuff. Butt stuff.”
It always just sounds great.
“But one door is special. One door leads to the Source.”
I remember that magazine.
Colin:
Now the repetition is getting repetitive. Why wouldn’t you just say that there’s a floor full of doors, and that one of them goes to the Source? Aren’t we on a schedule here?
The Source looks weird.
Colin:
That building has herpes.
“This building is protected by a very secure system. Every alarm triggers the bomb.”
Not a bomb. The bomb.
Which might be an A bomb.
Colin:
Hollywood has a thing about old Asian guys saying stuff. You’re expected to listen because they’re wise or something.
He looks like Asian Jeff Goldblum.
Why wasn’t Jeff Goldblum the Keymaker?
Colin:
God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates machines. Machines destroy man. Machines create dinosaurs wait I lost it
“Bomb? Did he say bomb?”
Really?
Also, again, how does he know all this? Doesn’t he just make keys?
Colin:
Do any of you wear fabric? Like, cloth made from plant shit?
Do Any of You Wear Fabric?
“But, like all systems, it has a weakness.
Crazy dames?
The drink?
The system is based on the rules of the building. One system built on another.”
The… water system’s connected to the power system. The power system’s connected to the goo pods. The goo pods connected to the plug holes. And this is all just fucking nonsense.
“Electricity.”
“If one fails, so must the other.”
Colin:
Why would electricity WITHIN the Matrix matter?
The plot.
Colin:
Mike solves basically every problem I’ve ever come up with in two words, and I facepalm.
But they’d have to take out an entire city block to cut the power on a building like that.
“Not one, 27.”
Try not to cut any more power lines on your way to the parking lot.
“27 blocks?”
Is that really his purpose?
They have to take out a power plant.
One that looks so real. So real.
Colin:
Why is it that bright? Do power plants glow? Why doesn’t my power plant glow? Also, couldn’t they just load up a nuke or an EMP like in Ocean’s Eleven instead of going inside and dying?
Then disable the emergency system.
This plan should work.
They say Neo can do both easier than they can.
But that would make the movie easy. Wouldn’t it?
But nah, son. Because once the door is unprotected, the connection is severed. A new one must be made. Which takes exactly 314 seconds.
Pi. Get it?
“Just over five minutes.”
Colin:
Thank you. My brain is all mushy from too much action and I have no idea how long 314 seconds is.
Also, nice shot. It looks like the Keymaker is cowering like a little bitch.
Or like he was domestically abused.
Oh, he’s just making keys.
I feel like he really does have the same relationship with keys that Ollivander has with wands.
(He sticks them up his butt.)
Only Neo can open the door. (Why?)
And only during that window can the door be opened.
Maybe don’t use window and door in the same sentence like that.
Colin:
I imagine it as more of a dumbwaiter. Doesn’t it seem like a dumbwaiter?
“How do you know all this?”
Finally, a pertinent question.
Also, what are you wearing? Aligator cloaca?
“I know because I must know. It is my purpose. It is the reason I’m here. Same reason we’re all here.”
The script?
Also, why is this your purpose? Why was he the program whose purpose it was to know this and give it to them? It gives the whole thing a weird predestination vibe. Which I’m not not okay with, but it also weirds me out. I like the idea that in the first movie, you discover shit, and in the second, you realize you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing. But then he makes a choice that changes shit and leaves everything completely open to possibility. That’s cool. But on the other hand, it has that religious vibe to it, which always weirds me the fuck out.
But back to my original point — why him? Because he makes the key that gets him in the room? It’s strange to think that all of this was written and that’s how shit is turning out, and how planned it all was. I know religious people get off on that, but to me, that’s… unsettling.
Colin:
He’s a program who’s been PROGRAMMED to help you. You don’t think this is a system that’s built around making you think you’re toppling it?
Sure, I’d also want to sleep with a mostly exposed bright light just above my head.
“Quickie for the road?”
Though technically they can just fuck in the air while he’s flying. I bet he’s wanted to try that.
But yeah, she says she knows something’s wrong, and that he doesn’t have to tell her, but she’s there for him regardless. This was clearly a longer scene that was edited down and put there because they had no other place to put it, and they wanted to reintroduce that thread before we return to the opening.
And we find out that if one person fails, everyone fails.
I bet they all pinpointed the weak link immediately. Like that Full Metal Jacket thing. If he fucks up, you all pay. So it’s like, “Goddamnit, Leonard!”
“Can’t hurt.”
Black people be superstitious.
But I guess Zee is the one who gave it to him. So in this case… It Takes Two.
“At midnight, there is a shift change in the security of both buildings. At midnight, we will strike.”
I want that phone.
“Hey.”
“You can count sheep at home.”
“Why? I get paid to count them here.”
Colin:
This is the best guy in the whole franchise. “I get paid to sleep. Fuck you and go away.”
“It’s a nice story, Adam and Eve…”
Aww… sentinels. Fucking everyone’s day right up.
I like the grid thing, though. Very Atari.
Or Battleship.
a) Have we seen these guys before?
b) Look at them.
∴ They’re dead.
They have a siren? That’s both terrible and amazing at the same time.
That looks like a Transformer.
What a shitty room.
“All of our lives, we’ve been fighting this war. Tonight I believe we can end it. This is not an accident. There are no accidents.”
What’s wrong with your leg? Is this Tiny Tim?
Colin:
“There are no accidents.” *GRATUITOUS CUT TO A CATWALK READY TO COLLAPSE*
“We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. When I see three objectives, three captains, three ships, I do not see coincidence. I see providence. I see purpose.”
Or… the exact way of events designed by the system, as we’ll later find out. It’s pretty funny how he’s all religious, meanwhile the reality is, a divine power exists, but it’s purely for slavery purposes.
What if that was actually the case? If a God existed, but the purpose was purely to keep us here and not allow us to ascend to that higher place?
But yeah, I’m sure your bible readings and discrimination toward gay people is doing wonders.
Colin:
Ahaha. Ahahahahahaha.
The weird thing about this is — they spend so much time inside that ship, I go into that space mindset of, if they go outside, they’ll die because they can’t breathe.
But they can breathe, and they will be outside the ship later. So it’s weird that there’s never anyone walking around these sewers.
Or that we never spend any time anywhere that’s not the Machine City.
There must be an entire Earth that exists, and I’m sure there aren’t sentinels everywhere.
Show me the humans that live above ground. That has to be a thing.
Matrix TV series, people.
Why must we have all the good ideas?
Colin:
The plot?
Are you really still going on about destiny? But he does say the night holds the very meaning of their lives. Which it does. Boy, are you in for a surprise.
That chair has Matrix herpes.
They get into a weird hypothetical situation. Where he’s like, “I wanna ask you, but I know you won’t.” And she’s like, “Well, if I can, I will.” So he goes, “What if I said not to go?” Then he says please, so she says okay. Which is funny, since this might be the thing that sets the chain of events in motion.
Colin:
I like that wall’s shittiness.
Oh, and Niobe can’t help but wonder if Morpheus is wrong. With her upside down sunglasses. And he goes, “Well, if I’m wrong, then we might all be dead. No biggie.”
Colin:
This is the part where someone has to say in the low, trembling voice, “I got a baaaaaaad feeling about this.” Oh, thank you, Niobe.
“But how would that be different from any other day?”
You chair has a dick hole in it. And jizz around it.
Colin:
The more I listen to these lines, the more I’m convinced that most of them are crap. That happens with some franchises, but not with others. Doing these articles — pausing the movie every 3 or 4 seconds of dialogue to think about what’s going on — makes you think about the writing more clearly than most people would just watching it in a theater.
Maybe it’s not fair, but stuff like Lord of the Rings held up, for the most part. Harry Potter did pretty well in terms of logical dialogue, if not in terms of story as well. This franchise is really all about the concept. I’m pausing after Morpheus says stuff and going, “Well, what the fuck is THAT supposed to mean? Why would you say THAT?”
The plot.
Fucking up some guards.
“This is a war.”
JESUS MAN. We get the point.
Colin:
This is a war? Well NOW you tell me!
I’m picturing a ninety second Monty Python skit.
Men in the trenches, Lieutenant giving them a speech. Gets about five sentences in and says, “This is a war!”
And one of the men says, “This isn’t a war.”
“It’s not?”
“No, we’re just dug into this hole because that guy over there told us to.”
“Why did he tell you that?”
“I wanted to plant some daisies.”
“Oh, well all right then.”
And they disperse.
Colin:
Get it? Death is coming for them now. Here.
Why is the thing picking up just one sentinel and not the rest of them?
Whoa. That’s great. They’re just throwing grenades at them.
Colin:
Kobe!
“The sentinels are coming, Gilbert!”
That picked an opportune moment to break.
Colin:
C’mon, movies. Be better. This is like in Rush, when they kept cutting to a rattling suspension component in Nicki Lauda’s car, and you’re like, “GEE, I wonder if it’s going to snap and cause a horrible accident.” Shit needs to be less set up.
I love these shots, because you wonder what’s going through their heads at this exact moment.
Do you think he saw Matrix Venice?
What’s with the sparks? Did this unplug wires, is that it?
Facial expressions.
So he’s dead.
Blood on the Matrix.
“Now consider the alternative. What if I am correct? What if the prophecy is true? What if tomorrow, the war could be over? Isn’t that worth fighting for? Isn’t that worth dying for?”
You know all that shit we’re gonna do? Now think about if I’m actually right, and this isn’t all just a sea of religious platitudes.
Colin:
In the time it took to give this speech, they could have been doing other shit. I know there’s a shift change to consider, but everyone else could have gotten in position or something. I’d love to see the science on pep talks. I bet they’re overrated.
Colin:
Oh, that’s going on my shots list. That’s some old-school horror shit right there. More blood running down stuff. This reminds me of Goosebumps.
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
Colin:
Haha! He’s just sitting there. That’s great. Wipe yourself off.
Ain’t that a shame.
Colin:
I don’t know why, but I enjoy this. They don’t set up that crew at all. Fuck em. You fall to your death and the operator gets transfixed with metal shit. You’re about to get blown up anyway. Like it matters.
That’s how Anakin went out.
Colin:
He looked like he realized he was dead.
Imagine how funny this was when they shot it. They all had to fall down.
Colin:
I love that idea, though. That they all just die because something went wrong outside.
Colin:
They showed us too much of the dream, cause we know that the security guards were at the place Trinity fucks up, and we know that’s not where they went. This is a little TOO easy to piece together.
“It is time.”
Colin:
Time? You’re out of it, sucker! Haha!
Oh, but they realize they’re dead. So…
Colin:
Well shit, I guess Trinity just has to go into the Matrix. This is all very prophecy-like. Cause how can they know based on shit IN the Matrix something that’s going to happen because of shit that happens OUTSIDE the Matrix?
And how can she go in the Matrix… if she’s DEAD?!
Also, “When I tell you to do something IN the Matrix, you do it IN the Matrix.”
Colin:
Like, the reason Trinity has to go in is that the sentinels fucked up the ship and screwed up the plan, right? So how does being The One give you clairvoyance to see some shit contingent on what happens in the real world?”
Remember? He has “the sight” now. Or whatever the fuck.
Colin:
They show you later how he has some control over the machines in the real world, but this whole “prophecy” thing is all supposed to be part of their plan. So her going in and him being forced to choose is part of their thing, which means they had to be able to find that other ship and fuck it up at exactly the right time. All of this suggests that they know where everyone is and have access to everything, which sort of ruins the story, no? Unless he’s a legit psychic in the real world AND it happens to coincide with the machines’ plan.
That’s a bomb.
Why does that not look like the actual Keymaker?
So real.
I’m sure that wasn’t nuclear energy.
Kuleshov.
“You met me at a very strange time in my life.”
You’ll be using this later.
Yeah, right, like there are that many people driving around at midnight. Is this a Saturday? Then maybe.
Colin:
So the shit’s back on and power’s back. Where’s that power come from? This sure as hell ain’t New York. Remember those blackouts in 2003? I was in Maine for a few weeks that summer, so I didn’t get affected, but that was almost the whole Northeast, for like 2 days. Whatever that was, they should have done THAT.
Colin:
Also — and I hope I’m not alone in this — I always thought of this segment from Sesame Street when watching the scenes in this hallway. Tell me that’s not spot on. They just tried to make it more dramatic here cause it’s a fancy movie. Plus, it’s great how before going through the door, the little girl smiles the same way that random old woman on the subway did when Eddie Murphy gives her the earrings in Coming to America.
That was one of my two comments for that video. The creepy smile and how all those kid shows are like being on acid.
Which is kind of what being a kid is like.
Colin:
It’s called Hi-C.
Well isn’t that funny? She was told not to do it, and she’s doing it.
Though I can’t see how things work if she goes. If she goes, she’s with Morpheus and Neo, correct? So how does she get to the emergency power? This is the only way she can get there in time and they don’t get killed. Am I wrong? Or is this the same building? I was under the impression that this was two separate buildings.
Coin:
This is two separate buildings, but when you get sent in, you get sent to whatever access point the operator designates. They send her to the one closest to the facility.
“We’re talking less than five minutes here.”
“In five minutes I’ll tear that whole goddamn building down.”
Colin:
It’s rare that we see people so instinctively compelled to do stuff in this franchise. They do stuff because they’re told to. I don’t like Trinity, but her line about tearing the whole goddamn building down did sound badass enough to enjoy. There was some emotion in it.
Colin:
“That’s where I have my key parties.”
“I’m sorry, this is a dead end.”
How’d you get here, exactly?
Not that Hugo Weaving needs explanation, I’m just generally curious. Who has keys to this place that you assimilated?
The only answer I can come up with is “the plot.”
Colin:
See, this is the bike I’d have preferred before. The previous chase was on a Ducati, complete with blatant logo shots. This one spares the logo shots, but it’s a nicer bike. I don’t like motorcycles, but everyone can appreciate the art and finish of an MV Agusta. I didn’t mention it in the intro cause I think I was more focused on why it exploded so…much.
This is a pointless shot, but reflections are cool.
Look how weird this building is designed. No actual complex would leave a giant section of the building out just to have an open-faced loading dock.
It’s midnight, why are so many of those lights on?
Remember this?
“You look surprised to see me. Again. Mr. Anderson.”
“What do you want, Smith?”
Colin:
Neo’s still asking stupid questions.
“You haven’t figured that out? Still using all the muscles except the one that matters.”
Colin:
I like that one — only, the brain isn’t a muscle. Still, it’s a pretty good line.
“I want exactly what you want. I want everything.”
Technically that is part of everything.
Colin:
THAT’S a Morpheus line I like. “You want everything? Let’s start here, motherfucker.”
THIS FACE. No. Just – that’s it. The end. This face.
There is no better face you can possibly make when a gun is pulled on you than this face. This face wins everything.
“Go ahead, shoot.”
Which… now I’m curious… does the original Smith not matter anymore? If he dies, does he technically still exist as the other versions? Because he seems to be the one with all the personality.
“The best thing about being me… there’s so many of me.”
Faces.
Colin:
I hate those dumb fake candles. No more chandeliers with electric candles.
Those would make the worst dildos.
Colin:
You’d think that people would start noticing all the Smiths. Or there would be a sudden uptick in missing persons.
That must make life harder for the agents. They can’t take over as many people.
Or can they?
If Smith takes over Bane and can get into the real world, what does that mean for the randos inside the Matrix he takes over? Are they fair game for agents?
But that makes it harder for the agents to turn into random people on the street.
Also, what happened to the woman in the red dress? She dead?
Colin:
I think it’s like a virus. The agents are like programs that take over, but once the OS is locked up with some virus, a program ain’t getting through. As for the woman in the red dress, she wasn’t in the Matrix, she was in their agent training program. She’s totally fake, so she’s not dead. You just gotta boot her up.
What’s on the other side of that door?
I love those quick punches to the face. That feels like a Wes Anderson kind of punch.
Man, he fucking clocked that one, though.
I like his suspenders.
I kind of wish he did that over and over, just pivoted back and forth to those two poses.
Please do the hallway gag with all the Smiths chasing him.
Well that’s weird. Show up to work and there are just people dead everywhere.
What’s a doctor doing in this place at midnight?
Yes… take out your nightstick. Situation totally calls for it.
Also, this dude’s delivery of “Christ, what the hell happened in here” had the same inflection as this:
Colin:
They called her ‘Lil Lady.’ Dumbasses.
Why’d you hit the innocent first?
Fuck the po-lice.
Morpheus whips his jacket back.
Isn’t it great how last movie fighting an agent was something you never do, and now it’s like, “Fuck it, let’s just punch fifty of them in the face at once”?
Colin:
How do you have a hallway fight? Mike and I couldn’t have had hallway fights when we met because our dorm was built in the early 70s, and was riot-proof.
I like my women like I like my hallways.
Really trying not to make a joke about his daughter right now.
… Really trying not to make a joke about his daughter right now.
Colin:
The ink rape has you.
“Morpheus!”
Yeah… don’t shout, do something.
… … really trying hard…
Colin:
Who the fuck types in leather gloves?
Hacker shit.
Colin:
Remember when she said she was going to tear the goddamn building down? By that, I guess she meant she would hack their computer system.
Why would she need to? I honestly have to ask… tear down for what?
“Are you sure?”
You just put in a bunch of random hacker stuff that no one could possibly do by accident, are you sure you want to execute this command?
That shit looks like Atari.
Colin:
Nice exclamation point, dicks.
I do like that Mega City stretches as far as the eye can see.
Because how the fuck does the Merovingian live up in the mountains? Why would they even bother including those in the design?
Colin:
This reminds me of the beginning of E.T.
Colin:
This reminds me of when some shit would be going on in the hall during college and you’d peek out and be like, “The fuck is up?” This might as well be Hamilton or somebody. Maryann’s probably drunk again.
That reminds me of one of the more scarily accurate things I said during college, which was, “I’ve seen Maryann’s breasts more than I’ve seen Olin.”
Only Colin knows why that’s both scary and accurate.
“Come on… come on.”
So that was dialogue.
Colin:
It’s interesting how it’s the most obvious way out, at the end of this hallway.
It’s interesting that they didn’t just go here earlier, when they went to see the Oracle.
There’s a reaction.
Everyone turns. Which is weird, since isn’t this not his business at all?
Colin:
Nice time to whip out the guns. Nice time to whip out the flying.
Look at Jim Carrey Smith on the left.
Look at that David Strathairn Smith on the right there!
“Kill ’em!”
There’s no reason for you to be in front of this door right now.
Colin:
Except the plot.
Those are some T-1000 holes.
All right… well that was easy.
Ah, but the plot.
What happens to all his keys?
Naturally he got shot. Because his usefulness is up.
Colin:
People reacting to their gunshot wounds is one of those things in film that always leaves an impression. The big one for me and my high school friends was Kingsley in Gandhi, when he just says, “Oh God,” and leans over.
The gunshot wounds also leave an impression.
Should’ve just left him. What does he mean to you?
They like their reflections.
“It was meant to be.”
According to the script.
Colin:
Death to them is deletion, no? It’s sort of weird seeing a program breathing heavily and fading, because we’re used to them either existing or being terminated and ceasing to exist instantaneously.
Apparently bullets mean deletion in this world. Like with Monica Bellucci’s gun. I guess silver bullets are the Secure Empty Trash of the Matrix.
“Morpheus, that door will take you home.”
How does he know where home is? What if the Keymaker’s super racist?
“You know which door.”
What if he doesn’t?
Colin:
I hate it when people say, “You’ll know what I’m talking about.” No, I probably won’t. Especially now that you’ve made me all self-conscious to the point of over-analyzing everything I see from this point forth. I’d be like, “Oh, is THAT the door he meant? It has a knob and a keyhole and everything. Nope. Closet.”
Are all the Smiths just chilling on the other side of the door right now?
Are they even trying to get in?
Because they somehow got into the hallway. How can they not get in here?
Also, why are there more doors inside this room?
Dead Asian guy.
Ah… and now she’s gotta go die.
Weird how there has to be a landline for them to get out. Which is pretty accurate for the 21st century. How fucking hard is it to find a landline anywhere?
Unless you’re in an OFFICE BUILDING. WITH SECURITY CAMERAS.
WITH A PHONE IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM!
Do me a favor, right now. Hit control-f or apple-f, whichever computer you have. Use the search option right now, and search in this article for “you’ll be using this later.”
That’s a shot from the same fucking computers that Trinity was using. Next to which — LANDLINE PHONE.
Hitchcock would have loved that.
What if this were the end of the franchise?
What if a giant dragon came out and ate him?
What if the light just faded and some dude was just there, sticking his balls in Neo’s face?
Colin:
Where is Morpheus during all of this? Shouldn’t he be there saying something like, “God DAMN!” or something?
That is weird. He just sort of leaves. Isn’t told about Trinity until he gets out. Maybe he could have helped. Just… kind of goes away and gets out of the building before shit blows up.
That’s how you know he’s become useless. “Morpheus that door will take you out of this movie. Your services are no longer required. The white has some business to take care of.”
And that’s the END OF PART V!
Oh… right… there are only five parts to this movie.
Apparently we’re in the cosmos or some such shit.
Colin:
Well ain’t this trippy. We show up at a fucking Best Buy.
What was he watching before Neo came in?
What if it were hardcore porn? Just some chick getting railed?
A quick note, before we meet him — Sean Connery was offered this part. But he turned it down because he didn’t understand it. This actually would have made sense for him to do. Gandalf, not so much. But this part… would have been perfect for him. Show up, speak dialogue he doesn’t understand, but only show up the once.
Colin:
Shittiest Best Buy ever.
Colin:
Of course it’s an old white man.
Subtitle.
“Hello, Neo.”
See? How great would this have been if it were Connery?
Also, now when I watch this, all I can think about is George Carlin playing this guy in Scary Movie 3. And then I go down the rabbit hole of watching an hour of Carlin bits.
Colin:
Watching this reminds me of just how spot-on Will Ferrell was. What’s with the ergos and concordantlys and vis-a-vises?
“Who are you?”
I will say, this is probably the one time he’s actually allowed to ask questions.
Probably.
“I am the Architect. I created the Matrix. I’ve been waiting for you.”
He looks so thrilled.
So thrilled.
“You have many questions, and though the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human.”
So he’s not fully human anymore?
What exactly is the deal with the whole “born inside” aspect? Is this ever explained? Did he unlock some sort of cheat code? Is that all it takes to unlock a cheat code? Get shot in the chest at point blank range six times?
Hang on, I’ll let you guys know.
“Ergo some of my answers you will understand and some of them you will not.”
So, still human means he’s still part idiot?
“Concurrently, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.”
Colin:
This whole mathematica approach to it is pretty cool when you digest it, but when you’re watching it and listening in real time, a lot of it goes in one ear and out the other, huh? “Hey man, you sound smart. I’ll take your word for it.”
“Why am I here?”
Because you opened the door.
That was irrelevant.
Big fan of these side shots.
“Your life is the remained of the sum of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the Matrix.”
You follow?
(Robert Shaw would have made a GREAT architect.)
Colin:
I want one of those screens to be that drunk guy trying to buy beer and falling all over the convenience store.
I want every screen to be that.
Also, apparently his life was somehow entirely recorded?
“You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which, despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision.”
I like that. You’re someone I’ve been trying to kill for about 170 years.
Which also gives me a question, which I’ll ask in a second.
“While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.”
So I can’t kill you, but I can make sure you get to this exact moment.
“You haven’t answered my question.”
“Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.”
Colin:
Uhh, really? Cause that doesn’t seem to tricky. Also, NICE VEST.
And now the TVs start talking. My favorite is the one who says, “Answer my fucking question.”
“The Matrix is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case, this is the sixth version.”
Okay, cool. There have been six of these.
Since we’re closer to 2199 in year, and the Matrix is designed to be like 1999, that means there have been, at most, 200 years of Matrix. (Four more years! Four more years!) Which means we get a new One about every… 33 or so years. This is assuming we scorched the sky and the Matrix was created exactly at 1999, which is completely untrue, because in his monologue Morpheus says shortly after the dawn of the 21st century we gave birth to A.I. So really we’re probably looking at a number less than that, but 33 makes sense since… how old was Jesus? Yeah, that’s right, even that isn’t subtle.
Which — fine. Say a new One comes around every 33 years. The previous five showed up, went through this entire thing (probably not in the same way, but you never know. The Merovingian makes me believe it’s similar), and then, when given the choice, said, “Okay, I’m gonna go rebuild Zion with this hand-picked group.”
Okay cool.
What happened to those people? Do none of the people in Zion remember the last time this happened? Are none of the other anomalies alive? Zion’s still in the same location, isn’t it? Even if it’s not, and they move to a new Zion and the machines give them a head start… why is no one alive that remembers the last time? Why doesn’t the Oracle tell them about this? I know she’s a measure of control, but unbalancing the equation doesn’t prevent her from telling them, “Hey, this shit happened before.” In fact, it should encourage it. Morpheus says, “She was with us since the beginning.” When was the beginning? How many Ones has Morpheus seen? Is there a Neo and a Morpheus and a Trinity for every one of these? Does the Trinity die every time? Does that make her the Holy Ghost of that trinity? What if one of the anomalies was gay? What if one of the anomalies was a woman?
Still back to my original question — you rebuilt Zion. How do you and the people you rebuilt it with die without anyone knowing what happened? That’s 24 people per cycle. 120 so far. What happened to them? Why are you doomed to repeat this cycle over and over again? Why is this never explained? Do you see the can of worms this opens? I can probably, if I thought about it, come up with a dozen more questions about this that aren’t explained. But I guess I should leave the floor open for this to be digested. Because seriously —
And you can’t say that they rebooted the Matrix, because the Real World does not change.
This is cool. We see all his potential reactions and zoom into the one that happens.
And one of them is laughing!
“There are only two possible explanations – either no one told me –”
“– or no one knows.”
Colin:
Those are indeed the two possibilities. You stupid fuck.
“Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly is systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.”
Is this some kind of a bullshit explanation? Because that’s not gonna cut it.
He must have had so much fun doing these.
Colin:
I would love to have been there while they filmed Keanu standing there yelling like 80 times for all the little screens.
Is it possible for Keanu to have fun?
That one is the most accurate representation of Keanu.
“Choice. The problem is choice.”
Colin:
Why is this a revelation? Weren’t we talking about this at the restaurant earlier? And the Merovingian told them to shut the hell up?
But now it was spoken by an old white man. So it’s official.
And we know where this is heading. So I’ll keep screenshots to a minimum.
Very effective use of close ups. You don’t notice it so much in real time, but here, that’s nice.
My god, look at that face.
I don’t like that you have a “move.”
After this backhand, she completely misses a punch.
And he doesn’t react, either. So I guess that’s good. She completely whiffs, and he doesn’t react like he was hit.
Colin:
Haven’t the agents been upgraded? How is she handling this one NEARLY as well as she is? They’re better than they were in the last movie and in the last movie they were not to be trifled with, let alone to be sparring with in a hallway.
CURB STOMP!
FUCK YO COUCH!
He looks bored. Does he have to sit here until someone opens the door? Or is it just a program thing where he just knows when to be there?
Office hours?
Colin:
Do programs beat off? Flushing the cache or clearing cookies, or whatever they call it.
“The first Matrix I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art. Flawless. Sublime. Its triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being.”
Colin:
I like that he freely admits that the first Matrix was a colossal failure but maintains that it was flawless. “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Every relationship I’ve ever been in.
Imperfection. Like these guys.
“Thus I redesigned it. Based on your history. To more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature.”
Colin:
Note to self: use the term ‘varying grotesqueries’ at least once an hour.
Notice who they show during this line.
“However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps, a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus the answer was stumbled upon by another.”
Colin:
Once again, I failed cause I’m too perfect and you are all Neanderthals. I gave you Wagner and you wanted Hannah Montana.
I love that humanity is an experiment for him. This is the closest we get to the Sims.
“The Oracle.”
Aww, shit, you mean it wasn’t Mouse?
“Please.”
A ha ha, he hates that bitch.
“As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99% of all test subjects accepted the program as long as they were given a choice.”
So she essentially perfected the Matrix? Where’s your Messiah now, Morpheus?
“Even if they were only aware of the choice a near-unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refuse the program, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.”
Colin:
“Please. Don’t worship the woman like that.” And it comes out that she’s part of the plan, obviously.
“This is about Zion.”
What else would this be about?
“You are here because Zion is about to be destroyed. Its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated.”
“Bullshit.”
All of the TVs agree.
“Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. But rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it.”
Colin:
So Zion has to die and he doesn’t believe it. I remember this was some shit that shocked me the first time I saw the movie. You’re not The One, you’re the Sixth One.
Honestly, they just need shit to cut away to after the badass lines.
This is more how an agent battle should go.
That’s… not attractive.
You look like Trunchbull.
“The function of the One is now to return to the Source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program.”
Colin:
Dissemination of the code he carries? They need him to go jizz into The Source? Is that what we’re talking about?
“After which, you will be required to select from the Matrix 23 individuals, 16 female, 7 male, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash, killing everyone connected to the Matrix, which, coupled with the extermination of Zion, will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race.”
Colin:
I like that ratio of males to females.
Wait, this is the rub? He picks 23 people from the Matrix? So all the Zion people now are killed, and then he gets to restart with people from the program that get unplugged? Really? That’s the reason this all makes sense?
Still doesn’t answer the question of what happens to the previous anomalies.
So my questions are not entirely pointless.
“You won’t let it happen. You can’t. You need human beings to survive.”
“There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept.”
That face says it all.
But what other levels? And also, I bet they’re probably better levels.
Colin:
That’s a good line. Also, wouldn’t they just use nuclear power? Robots can get irradiated and be cool. I’m not sure why they wouldn’t just have a shit ton of reactors and forego the whole human farming thing.
“However, the relevant issue is whether or not you ready to accept the responsibility of the death of every human being in this world.”
Why wouldn’t you be? Does he survive? I doubt it. So the responsibility would be short lived and then immediately forgotten, since everyone else would be dead and only the machines would survive. Machines ain’t going around, “Man, do you remember that dumb bastard that let all the humans die?”
And also… aren’t people still alive in the Matrix? So I guess he means people not plugged in. The goo pods abide.
And also, isn’t the real key to all of this… stop unplugging people? They said the problem is allowing the amount of people to remain unchecked. So really… wait, hold on… many more questions.
To continue that first thought, shouldn’t they just stop unplugging people after a certain point, keep a certain number of people in Zion, and just procreate with what you got? The problem seems to be when you unplug extra people, and that’s what triggers these events. So just… don’t do that.
Now would also be a good time to point out… if you keep rebuilding Zion in different spots — since presumably it’s in a different location each time, otherwise the machines know exactly where it is. And that means they have some kind of a truce where they get to go back, rebuild shit, put all those defenses up, and then the machines start trying to find ways to get back in again. What kind of fucked up war games shit is that? So we’re gonna assume they get to go somewhere else and the machines have to find it again.
“B-7.”
“Aww, you sunk my Zion ship!”
Anyway, if you’re rebuilding Zion in different spots… you gotta run out of spots at some point, right? How much space is around the Earth’s core to build around? Also, what exactly are you digging with? Remember that shit they taught you in science class, how diamond is the hardest thing on that Mohs scale, and even that cracks when you go a certain depth into the Earth’s core?
But back to my other points…
Which then brings me to… what if the 23 people don’t want to unplug people? Who’s to say they’ll react well at all to the fact that they were unplugged from their fantasy world? What if they get depressed and kill themselves?
And then, how does he choose the 23 people? He doesn’t know these people. Does he pick randomly? “Alpha, get me five teenagers with attitude”? What if he were a pedophile, and all the people he chose were under the legal limit but over the birthing limit? What if the One were racist? What if he only picked white people?
I’m guessing these people can procreate, even with plugs. Which is how the people born in Zion end up without plugs. What if they don’t wanna fuck? There are so many things that can go wrong here, I find it really difficult that this is the system that was chosen to keep things going, since, the odds are really in the favor of humans dying out.
All of this points clearly to the fact that the One dies no matter what. Because there are no previous anomalies still living. So somewhere during that time, Jesus dies. So in a way, Keanu makes the right choice.
“It is interesting, reading your reactions.”
Look at that dude with the beard.
“Your five predecessors were, by design, based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of the One.”
Colin:
I like these two Russian dudes up in the top left.
I think we’re being distracted from what he’s saying. Apparently they were designed to like humans and want them to survive.
Have we gotten any of that from Keanu so far?
“While the others have experienced this in a general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis a vis, love.”
So he’s supposed to love all humans, but here, it’s just her.
Shouldn’t the Architect be concerned about that, given the choice he’s about to have to make?
Colin:
Is anybody else looking at these screens?
It’s probably better than trying to make sense of what the fuck is being said.
Why does the person on the bottom left look like me sitting at my computer?
“Trinity.”
Colin:
Trinity is fucking stupid.
“Apropos, she entered the Matrix to save your life at the cost of her own.”
Colin:
Joy. He told Neo that Trinity is about to die and had a shitty smile on his face. I think I may have enjoyed that more than any other part in the movie.
“No.”
No, that is what she did.
“Which brings us, at last, to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end.”
“There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the Source, and the salvation of Zion.”
“The door to your left leads back to the Matrix, to her and to the end of your species.”
“As you adequately put, the problem is choice.”
“But we already know what you are going to do, don’t we?”
Yeah, we do. And I understand why he made it, too.
He wants to get some pussy.
Balls to bones, baby.
“Already I can see the chain reaction. The chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple and obvious truth – she is going to die and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”
Colin:
He knows all about you and you ain’t shit. Is that what this movie has done to me? Am I rooting for the robots now?
“Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.”
Colin:
Hah. Hope.
“If I were you, I would hope that we don’t meet again.”
“We won’t.”
“We got a serious situation, sir.”
At least let him get out of the chair first.
Colin:
They don’t sterilize those needles or anything?
Why’d it take him that long to get out?
“Oh no.”
WHACK!
“She’s my sister.”
“She’s my daughter.”
OH YEAH!
I mean sure. It’s fucking Martha’s office. Destroy that shit. Martha’s a cunt.
What are you strafing for? You can dodge those shits no problem.
Ahh… another one.
Isn’t this where we came in?
So yeah. We all remember this.
Colin:
So now we’re watching this bullshit again. Why are you jumping out after her? She’s dead.
Oh yeah. The bomb.
Colin:
What’s with the fire? Is that the whole bomb thing?
3D.
So that was built into the system?
Colin:
Kinda nice how the whole city has this greenish hue now.
What do you think the cancer rate is like?
Look at him… zooming along. Though it seems like this rolling stone will be gathering some… Carrie Anne Moss.
You think they digitally rebuild all this stuff, or do construction workers have to be like, “What the fuck happened here?”
Colin:
Am I the only one who laughed out loud at this cut?
Add an ‘n’ in there and then yes.
Colin:
I also tighten my grip on things to think faster.
I also do this when I’m clearing my cookies.
He’s entered the stargate sequence from 2001.
So he caught her.
My only question — how far away were those two buildings? Do we ever find out?
“Holy shit, he caught her.”
Colin:
Thanks for the exposition, Linkolas.
Are there no agents anywhere near this?
Where’s Smith?
If she died right here, that would just really suck for him.
“Neo, I had to.”
“I know.”
Now you do.
Hand on the tit.
The latex kind of defeats the purpose.
I guess that’s a thing. Just taking code bullets out.
Matrix abortions. That’s a thing. I’m telling you.
Colin:
Is that code blood spurting?
She just Asian symbol’d all over that ledge.
I’m sure no major organs were harmed during this.
Yeah, now imagine sex like that.
Wipe yourself off, Trinity. You’re bleeding.
Yeah… that’s the good shit. Give me some morphine in my plug hole.
Colin:
Wait, so you can just put drugs in the holes? No more belt? No more needles?
“Don’t you quit on me now.”
What if that was poison or something that actually killed her?
Also, “Don’t you quit on me now”? Really?
Though that shot does make me realize how easy it is to do real world dialysis. Or chemo.
Or to become a real world heroin addict.
REAL WORLD ABORTION!
Would a bullet really look like that inside her? Or am I just so used to hollow points?
Just throwing away the bullet like that? Not even gonna frame it?
Yeah, there you go. Just.. Nebuchad-nuzzle on up next to her.
“I’m sorry.”
He should throw her off the building right now.
The One giveth, and the One taketh away.
Aww… you can take out a bullet all you want, but that shit still sliced her aorta in half.
Colin:
You pulled out the bullet, but that doesn’t change the fact that she got slammed through a wall and had her organs torn the fuck up.
Get it? He dies, she dies. This is their version of a meet cute.
“I think I wanna fuck her again.”
“Trinity…”
Don’t you fucking do it.
“I know you can hear me. I’m not letting go. I can’t. I love you too damn much.”
YEAH! COPPING A CODE FEEL!
Colin:
Never grabbed a girl BEHIND her titties. Damn.
Damn, this shit is getting hot and heavy.
This is what Christmas in Turkey is like.
Colin:
What if Trinity was played by Denise Richards?
What if Neo were played by Charlie Sheen?
Colin:
This is Neo’s titty rubbing concentration face.
Titty Rubbing Concentration Face.
My sixth album.
Oh, so the code ignores all arteries and organs and shit except that one?
BULL. SHIT.
Fuck you.
Colin:
Right?
O-face.
But seriously. Bullshit.
It would’ve been funny if she were all brain damaged and talked like Kirk Douglas.
Colin:
As one of the Bad and the Not So Beautiful, she should be Out of the Cast.
What are you so amazed about? This shit happened last movie.
“I guess this makes us even.”
Yeah… until you hear about the whole, “annihilating the human race” thing.
Wait… was that a second movie pun?
Colin:
If I hear one more, “Guess this makes us even” in a movie, I’m going to stab someone.
Does no one live here? You’re telling me there’s not one Guatamalan janitor who sees this and can turn into an agent?
Also, don’t leave your sunglasses there. That’s really poor form.
Also weird how the sentinels just completely ignored all of this. They tried to kill them, which would, of course, have just completely fucked their system, but otherwise let them do their thing.
“I don’t understand it. Everything was done as it was supposed to be done. Once the One reaches the Source, the war should be over.”
“In 24 hours, it will be.”
“What?”
Now he’s the one asking questions?
Colin:
This is the part when the tower of religious bullshit comes tumbling down and I get excited.
“If we don’t do something in 24 hours, Zion will be destroyed.”
“What?”
I’d fault him for saying what over and over, but his entire world view is really just going up in flames. (Like his ship’s about to be.)
“How do you know that?”
“I was told it would happen.”
“By whom?”
“It doesn’t matter. I believed him.”
It doesn’t matter who told me this because I believed him. Really? Or do you just not want to explain it? Does Morpheus not trust the Oracle in the next movie even without all the shit Neo found out?
“That’s impossible. The prophecy tells us—”
“It was a lie, Morpheus.”
See? He just goes back to quoting his bullshit book, and Neo has to set him straight. That’s what happens when you have faith instead of reasoned arguments and opinions of your own.
“The fuck you say, white boy?”
Also, look at the goop machines!
“The prophecy was a lie. The One was never meant to end anything. It was all another system of control.”
I give you religion.
“I don’t believe that.”
Really? You believe all the other bullshit you hear.
“But you said it yourself. How can the prophecy be true if the war isn’t over?”
Colin:
“You said this shit yourself. See how your beliefs conflict with reality?” And the religious guy stands there, troubled.
Aww… it’s fun, watching people’s entire belief structures be shattered.
The only thing missing would be him watching his true love explode.
And then the blue shit!
“I’m sorry. I know it isn’t easy to hear but I swear to you it’s the truth.”
Colin:
“I’m sorry.” I’m not.
“What are we gonna do?”
I hope it’s point and laugh.
Because this is what happened to the biggest badass of the first movie. He’s crying like a little bitch and coming off like a zealot who can’t stare cold hard reason in the face.
“I don’t know.”
That’s about as direct a statement as I’ve heard from him.
Sentinel!
For some reason, I picture this thing like the Penguin in the old Adam West Batman show. (So, I guess, Burgess Meredith.) Just sort of chilling with his umbrella and his cigar.
Colin:
Look, the squid are here. And you haven’t an inkling.
“What are they doing?”
‘They’re just out of EMP range.”
“It’s a bomb.”
Doesn’t Link look like Chris Rock?
“We have to get out of here.”
Well fucking really?
“It’s a bomb. We should stay and see how this plays out.”
That’s a great bomb throw.
Colin:
It’s pretty awesome how they spin and shoot bombs at stuff. Japan loves squid spinning.
Squid spinning is an olympic event.
(I’m going to leave this next bit as-is, but it’s funny, since I wrote it when I watched the movies for the articles. And then forgot I did. So when editing the articles, I said something similar up there. But since I find it funny that the same thought came out twice, independent of itself, I’m leaving it.)
What’s funny is, we spent so much time on that ship, didn’t we all start to think for a minute that outside might be uninhabitable? I know I did. When they did this, I had that moment of, “Wait, how are they gonna breathe outside?” And then I realized, “Oh, yeah. It’s just Earth.” There’s just no place to go here.
Colin:
That’s some kinda fucked up bomb. That’s a bomb that rapes you first.
I like the way this is digitally lit by a computer.
I could have just said lit. But no I couldn’t.
Aww… you got no ship.
“I have dreamed a dream, but now that dream is gone from me.”
Colin:
This quote is another Biblical thing. The ship is the Nebuchadnezzar, and he was the one who said that line in the Bible.
Also, wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Bible we all know in the Matrix was a total fabrication by the machines? And they were just laughing at Christians buying it all? “You fools, the original was SO much more legit. We added a burning bush and shit, and you still bought it hook, line and Satan!”
Meanwhile, apparently they don’t trust the bomb.
Colin:
Here comes the Squid Squad, ready to ink in your stink.
It’s too CG, but I like the blue and yellow going on.
Spare no one.
“We won’t make it.”
“We have to try.”
Or you can just… you know… hide.
Nice framing. I feel like I don’t say that in this franchise.
“Something’s different.”
“What?”
“I can feel them.”
Colin:
You’re about to feel them.
Colin:
I wanted him to just get plowed over.
Orphans should never be given powers.
Remember when this exact thing happened at the end of the last movie?
Colin:
“I can’t feel my legs!”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know.”
Yes you do. He stopped them, he passed out. That’s what happened.
What else can you do except stand there?
Neo stands there. Neo puts his arm out. Neo falls down. The end.
“It’s the Hammer.”
What? How do you know it’s the Hammer?
Colin:
He just nailed it.
Colin:
I think we can all agree — I want a hovercraft.
Does that not cause any kind of damage to the people standing underneath it? That’s electricity.
Also, Link’s got that Chris Rock face on.
Look… the new Switch. This one is decidedly female.
Colin:
Is this doctor supposed to be a lesbian?
“He’s in a coma. But his vitals are stable.”
Also, this chick is played by Essie Davis, who was just in The Babadook this past year.
“What about you?”
FUCK YOU!
I must have said at some point how these are the three most dreaded words in cinema for me.
They are always followed up by unnecessary, overt exposition. They are the most lazy words in screenwriting.
So she just stays with him.
“Lock was right.”
Wait, what? This entire movie spent time saying how Lock was an asshole, and now the end result is, “Yeah, he was right.”
Pretty sure that’s why people hate these sequels. All these liberal views about how shitty society is, and then, “Oh, wait… guess what? The militaristic, reactionary guy… he was right all along.”
Ladies and gentleman… franchises.
Anyway, the guys says they had a good counterattack, but someone fucked up. An EMP went off before they could get in position. Five ships went down. Machines slaughtered them.
Colin:
Why is Smith trying to fuck everything up again? I thought he just wanted to kill Neo. How does fucking up Zion’s defense help that at all?
Only one person knows.
(Which… to ask now… why exactly is this person still helping the machines?)
The found only one survivor.
Why does he have two of those things on his throat?
Is that a trap door? Is this a Sweeney Todd door where they can dump the bodies after they’re dead?
CUE THE RAGE!
Colin:
I’m sorry, but you haven’t established Bane well enough for me to be able to recognize his face upside down.
To be concluded. My, isn’t that presumptuous.
Colin:
Oh, it’s to be CONCLUDED. Well. Okay.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow we go over our favorite images from the film.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)
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