Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), Part I — “The Tiny Indian Girl Became Hugo Weaving”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Revolutions.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be found on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the first part of The Matrix Revolutions.

This movie was released six months after Reloaded.

So after the moderate letdown that was Reloaded as compared to The Matrix, we got this. Which was like taking a giant shit on all of our chests.

To be fair, though… the movie isn’t awful. But on the other hand… yeah, it kind of is.

Colin:

Here comes the last one. People shit on this movie so much, I think I might be sort of inclined to stick up for it. Like, it’s only shit on cause the first one was amazing and they just fucked up everything after that. I know people who shit all over this movie and then turn around and defend Twilight movies, which – you’ve never been more backwards about something in your whole life.

Get it? Because the Revolution starts with U.

Are we starting with restaurant chick’s orgasm? Because that would be pretty great.

And a little presumptuous.

Those protection spells are failing. The Death Eaters will be on the school grounds soon.

All right. We’re just showing off special effects for no reason.

Colin:

What’s with all these beginnings that make use of weird graphics? This feels very Marvel to me.

Seriously, what are we doing?

“I got nothing, sir.”

That’s what I got too.

“No sign of Niobe or Ghost.” Funny how the two white guys are doing all the things.

The black guys really do have to sit at the back of the Matrix.

Colin:

This is one that REALLY doesn’t work on its own. Don’t you hate it when people watch sequels before watching the original? I have movie OCD. If you have an opinion about Star Wars and you tell me the first one you ever saw was Attack of the Clones, I’m already disregarding your opinion.

See, I’ve done that before. I’ve seen a later sequel to a movie, and then went, “I should watch the originals,” and then went back and watched them in order. Sometimes that’s just what growing up is. I think it’s when you have the opinion and it’s colored by you not having seen earlier ones. Though I can’t see that really happening in many franchises outside of Star Wars. It’s not like you’re going to see Revolutions first, unless you’re one of those people who just doesn’t watch movies at all and knows nothing.

They’re gonna look for the ship. Even though the lines are “crawling with calamari.”

I like calamari.

Fry me up some of that shit.

Hey, Trinity. Bootleg Julianne Moore brought you some blue shit.

“Captain has some questions for him. He better have some good answers.”

Or else what? What can they possibly do to him?

Why is his chest arched like that? It’s like in Signs when the kid has the asthma attack, and his chest is all fucked up and convex.

She thinks the cuts are self-inflicted. As opposed to by whom? One of the spoon benders?

“Why?”

Jesus, he’s in a coma so you get the stupid question asking mantle to take up?

Also, how did your skin get that much worse over four years?

Morpheus wants to run another search through the Matrix. For Neo.

Did Morpheus get his plug gold-plated?

Plug bling?

And now we find out from them that he’s basically still plugged in. Which eliminates any part of the suspense. Or whatever they were going for or could have had.

Colin:

Isn’t that kinda weird, that Morpheus gets the random idea that someone not plugged in might be in the Matrix at the same exact time the doctor chick notices that strange pattern? And they’re entirely unconnected?

This is going to be a thing, guys. I’m gonna be all over this movie for the unnecessary double exposition.

Colin:

So this is like literally less than 4 hours after the last one ended? At least it didn’t start with Neo waking up and chasing down some fresh deer asshole. Holy shit, how funny would that have been? Or maybe they could have done an in-between episode like the Newhart finale where Neo spends several years as Thomas Anderson, the innkeeper in rural Vermont, gets hit by a golf ball and wakes up to finish the robot war.

I feel like every movie should start with someone chasing down fresh deer asshole.

Anyway, the machines will be in Zion in 20 hours. They gotta move. Look at that white supremacist back there. What’s up with his fucking shirt?

Oh, and they have a phone call.

I’m not fucking around this time. No patience for them and their bullshit exposition.

Though who the fuck would randomly be calling them? Who has their number? Are they listed?

Why would they give out their phone number?

So he just answers the phone. That’s fucked up. Answering the phone in someone else’s house.

Colin:

Of course the other crews have to look less competent. Only, it’s a bit silly when Link has to show off his skills by pointing out a phone ringing. Yeah, Morpheus’ crew is clearly better than these assholes cause they can recognize when a phone is ringing two feet away.

Oracle’s gotta see him.

Where is he calling from? An opium den?

Man, he got fucked up last night.

That’s called mescaline.

I know that face.

If I saw that, first thing after a bender, I’d punch it.

Especially if it was glowing and shit like that.

“Good morning.”

Colin:

What’s with this tiny, precocious Indian child shot at a flat angle? Did they get Wes Anderson to guest direct this scene?

My initial reaction would be to jump up, push her away and scream, “What the fuck is that?!” But that’s just me. Let’s see how Keanu reacts.

Yup. Just like I expected. With a question, to boot.

“Who are you?”

Her name don’t matter. She’s a little Indian girl.

Is this the same station he fought Smith in from the first movie, only repainted?

“Where am I?”

“This is the train station.”

Too bad she didn’t add, “I’d have thought that would have been obvious.”

If she did, then she’d be my favorite character in the franchise.

It’s not the Matrix.

Colin:

Tiny Indian girl looks at Keanu looks at nothing.

“That’s where the train is going. That’s where we’re going. But you cannot go with us.”

Well jesus, you little cunt. Fine. He’ll go by himself.

“Why not?”

Jesus, with the fucking questions.

Somebody make a supercut of Keanu asking questions. It’ll probably be feature length if you got them all.

The Trainman won’t let them. Is he like Slender Man?

Colin:

As long as he isn’t like Pale Man.

I see what you did there.

Colin loves the Pale Man, by the way.

If they don’t do what he says, he’ll leave them there.

Colin:

Train conductors are always assholes. Except for Ringo Starr and George Carlin.

“Forever and ever.”

Why’d you get all creepy whisper and lean in like that, kid?

You should be holding a fucking flashlight to your face like Squints.

The Green Mile. The Oracle’s gonna grab his dick and help him piss again.

You’d think the Oracle would move out of the projects.

Doesn’t everyone know where she lives by this point?

Look at this shitty apartment.

New Oracle!

Colin:

What is that on the table on the right? Is that a square cube bottle of whiskey? I have decided that that’s what is. 

If I had to guess, I’d say inkwell.

Which would be the best name for a character in a Japanese porno.

“The fuck?”

This is the proper reaction to a new Oracle.

Colin:

What’s with all the TV references? Do I have to liken this to Fresh Prince? Nobody can keep their black ladies straight.

Nobody Can Keep Their Black Ladies Straight.

“I’m sorry this had to happen. I’m sorry I couldn’t be sitting here like you remember me. But it wasn’t meant to be.”

It’s vague enough that it works in both contexts. That feels classy.

Also of note, when they recast Mary Alice as the Oracle, the reason they did so was because, years prior, Gloria Foster and Mary Alice played sisters on Broadway. Which I love as a piece of trivia for this movie.

Colin:

Didn’t they see her like a DAY ago? This happened in that time? Neo saw her, fought with Smith, and then the whole rest of the action took place over a matter of like a day, right? And then it was only a few hours between the movies. So apparently she’s undergone this makeover in a day or two.

The new Oracle should have been played by Don Cheadle.

She goes on about choices and shit. It doesn’t make much sense, and I don’t even care enough to write it down. Mostly because this isn’t Gloria Reuben.

Colin:

Is that the same TV from the first movie?

The one from the Construct? I wouldn’t put anything past them.

I wish it was the same TV Robert De Niro was fixing when he beat the shit out of Joe Pesci.

Anyway, N’Oracle (that’s what I call her) exposits about the Trainman. He smuggles programs in and out of the Matrix. He works for the Merovingian. If he finds out Neo is there, he won’t let him out. He put a bounty out on them.

Colin:

I should mention that this is the third time I’ve seen this movie and it’s been at least five years since the last time I saw it, so this is all almost entirely fresh. I remember that the Trainman is bad, but I didn’t remember that he worked for the Merovingian. That makes me happy, cause I like that French dickbag.

I Like That French Dickbag.

I’m just tired of all this bullshit. By now, we’ve realized the whole thing is a sham. The One wasn’t meant to end the war, it’s all part of a recurring cycle. So going on about all this prophecy stuff after we know it’s bullshit is just wasting time. Just get to the fighting. That’s all this is about. The choices are made, and now we need to see shit through. That’s all this movie is.

There’s a train man who smuggles programs, and he’s in limbo — who gives a fuck? I mean, really.

Colin:

They just found out that she was part of another system of control and in cahoots with the machines, but here they are listening to her again. What’s the deal there?

Seraph is going with them. Which is weird, to just give up your bodyguard like that.

Honestly, they just should have let him explain all of this and kept her off to the side. This does nothing to help her Oracle-ness, and in fact, hurts it.

“Oracle – after everything that has happened, how can you expect me to believe you?”

Well… she didn’t tell you anything but fact. That’s where he is, that’s who the dude works for, and the dude wants them dead. The only thing you have to believe is that Seraph is leading you there. This is a terribly written scene. It’s hurting the greater universe.

“I don’t. I’d expect just what I’ve always expected, for you to make up your own damn mind.”

He’s never made up his own damn mind. That’s the problem.

He’s a religious person. They never make up their own damn minds.

Colin:

Well, sometimes they decide to…I was going to say turn the other cheek, but Jesus told them to. 

“Believe me or don’t. All I can tell you is that your friend is in trouble, and he needs your help. He needs all our help.”

The way she says these lines just doesn’t sound good.

Also, if he needs everyone’s help, how about you give it to him? Because it seems like you’re sitting on a fucking couch doing nothing except spouting random shit like you always do.

Colin:

Morpheus is the most reliably easy to control. His religion has been thrown in his face as blatantly false, and now that he mentions that, she’s like, “It’s been your choice to believe the whole time. Now watch as you follow my advice again.” The Oracle is the one who openly manipulates these people’s religious tendencies.

“Are you from the Matrix?”

“No, honey, I’m from Poughkeepsie.”

Oh, I’m sorry, I was writing Neo as played by John McClane.

“Yes. No. I mean I was.”

Christ.

(All of these exclamations of exasperation actually work in context.)

“Why did you leave?”

“Butt stuff.”

“I had to.”

Apparently she had to leave her home too. Which was… where? And why?

Jeez, only now do you tell her to leave him alone? Right when you say something that legitimately interests me?

Amazing how your daughter just went to stand over an unconscious man for a while and you only said something after he woke up and she started talking to him.

Colin:

They were probably coding each other or something.

Coda Sutra.

“I know you.”

Those are the last words before you get shot in the head.

Yeah, he was at the restaurant in the last movie. I know because they gave us an obvious shot of him out of nowhere.

Colin:

Yeah, you wouldn’t remember he was in the restaurant in the last movie.

Not after that lady came on her chair like that.

Colin:

Nobody should ever cum on a chair. Doesn’t sit well with me.

Yeah, but after an event like that, there wasn’t a dry seat in the house.

This is his hot wife.

Sup, Bettaji?

Colin:

She is an attractive program. Most of the programs we see hanging out in the Merovingian’s club look dumb. Like Microsoft BOB.

Great, and introduce us to the little shit we already met.

What would it be like to bang a program?

What if she’s a kama sutra program?

Colin:

I think that’s called “getting with the program.”

What if she’s a 12-step program?

Apparently he’s the power plant systems manager for recycling. So… I guess they’re going to not recycle anymore? Is that why he’s been forced out? Is that why there was all that garbage in the first movie? Was there a Matrix Erin Brockovich who forced his job to become relevant again?

Also, would that be the power plant that was just destroyed?

Colin:

It’s awesome that they have jobs like anyone else. But the kid is what’s really interesting. Also, why would they both be randomly Indian? Does race have anything to do with programs? It seems like their jobs and functions are pretty different, but they match in terms of race – is their race a manifestation of something else they have in common beneath the surface of their functions?

The plot.

Colin:

And if their jobs are that different, what function would their child perform? Is she just a spontaneous program? And if she’s curious, does that mean that she still hasn’t developed fully as a program and wouldn’t be used? All programs aren’t born…we know that much. I’m confused about how all this works, but just this trio of random Indian people is fascinating.

Stem cell programs.

Also, This Trio of Random Indian People Is Just Fascinating.

His wife is apparently “an interactive software programmer.” I’m not that far off, am I?

Apparently she’s “very creative.” I bet she is.

“What are you doing here?”

I’m here to say hi to you, baby.

“You do not belong here.”

Jesus. Way to say it in that monotone creepy child voice from horror movies.

Colin:

Yeah, your wife is a real bitch.

They should have gotten Fisher Stevens to play this guy.

Neo is basically the Number Johnny Five of the Matrix.

And one of the ships was the Logos, right?

Los Logos kick your ass, Los Logos kick your face, Los Logos kick your balls into outer space!

What ever happened to Ally Sheedy? She was great.

Colin:

It’s funny how weirdly Indian they are in their mannerisms. This is all more interesting to me than the vast majority of characters and scenes in this franchise. Or at least compared to the second movie.

Keanu looks at random things.

He has no idea where the fuck he is. Yet the kid just told you. Way to pay attention, buddy. And then they explain exactly what we’ve already been told. They’re in a place between the Real World and the Matrix. The Trainman works for the Merovingian.

This is not economical storytelling. You explain shit once and then everyone gets it. I understand that two sets of people need to find this out, but you don’t need to explain everything twice. You can cut some shit out. This is just bad writing.

Colin:

I think this movie was way too short for what it was, and they needed to beef it up with fluff. The second movie was a terrible, cartilaginous mass of action that didn’t stop, and this is where they [attempt to] tie things together in a meaningful way.

Apparently he went to the Merovingian to save his daughter. Apparently she’s a program without a purpose, and wherever they’re from (which is never explained. Way to go, guys), they delete those. So he made some sort of deal (also never explained. So we have zero reason to care about this at all) to keep her alive.

Colin:

So she has no purpose, or at least doesn’t fulfill any purpose sufficiently to avoid deletion. And programs love. That’s weird.

What if she’s a program that makes a guy in a banana suit dance on your desktop? Who’s to say that doesn’t have the best purpose?

“The answer is simple. I love my daughter very much. I find her to be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. But where we are from, that is not enough. Every program that is created must have a purpose; if it does not, it is deleted. I went to the Frenchman to save my daughter.”

Keanu has never heard a program speak of love before. “It’s a human emotion.”

“No, it is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies.”

I like how literal he’s being. He’s one of the few people who makes sense in this franchise.

Colin:

Him and Smith. Smith says ‘fuck you, I want everything’ and I understand that.

“I see that you are in love.”

Keanu being in love is like Harry having his mother’s eyes. Fucking everybody notices.

“Can you tell me what you would give to hold on to that connection?”

Colin:

Can anybody tell me what the next line is GUARANTEED to be?

His left nut?

“Anything.”

Well I wasn’t wrong.

And there’s the Trainman. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I saw this movie, I immediately recognized him as one of the bad guy’s henchmen in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. That was a great moment for me.

Colin:

This is such an awful train. Where is this train? Why is this train?

“We don’t want trouble.”

GPOY

And that’s before he says, “Get away from me!”

Colin:

Bruce Spence is so great. I forgot about this. He’s a creepy fuck. He was also the guy on Utapau who talks to Obi Wan and tells him that they’re being held captive by Grievous and being watched.

Looks about the same.

Tastee Wheat.

Colin:

Whoa. That’s a great Easter egg I totally missed.

So where do these trains go? They don’t all go to the Matrix, do they? This is poorly explained.

Colin:

I want this to be like the live action version of the trolley Sen/Chihiro rides in Spirited Away. Cause what a great fucking movie that is.

I really want to know what 10 out of 10 is.

Looks like 10 out of 10 pets are neutered.

There really aren’t animals in this universe, are there?

Have we seen a single animal outside of that black cat?

Wow, you can’t run at all.

He runs like Seinfeld ran through that airport.

Colin:

This is a grubby motherfucker.

Man’s got a lot of watches.

In such a digital world, you’d think he’d have a better way to keep… track of the trains.

Why bother having turnstiles if this is limbo?

Where do the stations even go, anyway?

Can’t Neo just go upstairs?

I’m so confused how this whole thing works.

Colin:

I’m thinking Super Mario 64 rules where the world just ends with a wall unless you go through the proper portal with the proper permission.

Are there tickets for these trains?

HOW DOES THIS ALL WORK?!

Sure, Trinity, just flip over that way.

Who is she showing off for?

Well that’s a real company.

This is a funny shot to me. All three of them running like this.

This is how Matt Damon shanked that Chinese guy.

Some of those watches are backwards.

And the times are way off.

I’m so confused right now.

Can’t you all dodge bullets?

Or run around him or something? How can one guy with a gun hold off three people?

Loop. So it just goes in a giant loop? Who’s driving it? What does the Trainman even do, then?

Colin:

Why’d the train pass through? Why do the trains always pass through?

And he’s gone.

Apparently he can do that.

I think they just expect us to go along with shit at this point. Meanwhile it makes no sense. They’re using actual situations to explain how programs work, yet the main characters are chasing them down like that’s gonna change something.

Anyone make sense of this?

“Damn it.”

Train is late. Which is not like the Trainman.

Colin:

How do you know what is “like” the Trainman?

That’s not very Raven, either.

“You think it has something to do with me?”

When did you get so narcissistic?

“I cannot say. Who knows such things? Only the Oracle.”

Colin:

This dude is Indian as hell. I have a good relationship with the Indians.

I ate Indian food last night.

Thought you all should know that.

“You know the Oracle?”

Of course he fucking knows the Oracle. Everybody seems to know fucking everybody in this place.

Colin:

There are like eight people in this universe. Although we have to admit that Harry Potter is WAY worse about that. “Red hair. Must be a Weasley.”

His wife just does not like when he talks.

Colin:

It’s great how his wife hates all of this and wants to tell Neo to fuck himself and piss off but she can’t say shit.

They’re giving their daughter up to the Oracle? What? I thought they were all going away together. So, instead of letting the daughter get killed, they’re abandoning her? Great parenting, guys.

Oh, they sort of explain it. The Merovingian actually helps them. It’s just that the Merovingian is a dick. Okay. Slightly less shitty.

That’s actually pretty cool, then. He’s an asshole, but he does smuggle programs and stuff out. Just because he can. And both sides generally leave him alone. That’s a cool place to be at.

Colin:

And he’s French. It would have been cool if it was like Claude Rains in Casablanca and the wife had to sleep with him to get the daughter out. Actually, do we know that ISN’T the agreement? I enjoy the idea of a tryst with the Indian woman and him making a joke like, “Oh, don’t worry. It’s all been ARRANGED.” 

But anyway, only the kid can go. He and his wife have to go back.

“Why?”

(I put these here because I know Colin would be lost without them.)

“That is our karma.”

“You believe in karma?”

Ethnicity shots are the key to comedy.

“Karma’s a word. Like love. A way of saying ‘what I am here to do.’ I do not resent my karma. I’m grateful for it. Grateful for my wonderful wife, for my beautiful daughter. They are gifts. And so I do what I must do to honor them.”

I feel like they’re going into deep waters here, having him believe in words, even though they’re just words.

Colin:

Words are made up too. And that he’s the Indian guy who tries to make ‘karma’ an arbitrary thing, like it has nothing to do with his Indian-ness. If that’s the case, why not say ‘mission’ or ‘purpose?’ 

Train’s here.

“Hurry it up, I’m late.”

This is how the workaholic dad in the 90s movie shows up.

Did you really think that was gonna work? That’s like Charles Bronson and James Coburn trying to get out with the tree cutters.

Colin:

When in reality, the rest of this movie is closer to the Donald Pleasence ending.

There are THREE people on the platform, and he just tries to blend in.

Also, look at that train wheel. That’s the same thing that opened the doors on the Nebuchadnezzar.

“Who are you?”

WHAT?!

I’m so confused. You know who Trinity, Morpheus and Seraph are, but you don’t know Jesus.

That’s like, “Oh shit, Prancer, Vixen and Comet, you guys can’t be here. Who’s this fuck with the red nose?”

Colin:

DMX can tell you.

“He is a friend.”

Friends don’t let friends drink and dharma.

“I know you.”

Driver’s license photo.

“I know your face.”

Colin:

Sword grasper.

We all know that face.

“So that’s what they wanted.”

What the fuck do you think they wanted? Weed?

“I need to get back.”

This face.

This fucking face.

And this face.

“I’ll pay you whatever you want.”

I’ll suck yo DICK!

“One way or another I’m getting on this train.”

Why not just run around him?

Colin:

How is he going to get on the train, IF HE’S DEAD?!

He sure gets punched into walls a lot.

Also looks nothing like him.

I hope you’re thinking, “Well that was poorly thought out.”

“Down here, I’m God.”

Good. Put him in his fucking place. Good for you.

Colin:

That’s neat, it’s like a funhouse. Changing the scenario and making Neo not God makes things more interesting.

Just realized Trainman is like Vincent Schiavelli in Ghost.

Colin:

I just realized that my 9th grade French teacher is like Vincent Schiavelli in Ghost. (Dead)

“Get on the train or you stay here with him.”

Wait, why are they all getting on the train?

Aww, let’s watch as the nice man gets left behind FOREVER.

She’s judging you so hard right now.

Bye, people we randomly met for like, no reason!

Is this the Adams Street Bridge?

Seraph wants to go back to the Oracle. But Trinity has a better idea.

Colin:

Good for you, Trinity. Decide some shit on your fucking own.

You have absolutely nothing to do anymore, and it’s sad.

I like that the hole is still in the wall.

Tally… no.

This is so good.

Colin:

Hah. Total funhouse.

“Shit.”

Colin:

Yes. “Shit.”

Greatest series of shots in the franchise.

There’s nothing better than that moment.

I want that as a continuous gif.

Colin:

Feels like a loading screen to me. That he would just run across the screen constantly until your shit was loaded and then he’s dead or something.

All… right.

This is how you know the franchise has gone past the point of being good. They’re not even paying off their good shot motifs. They’re just… using them. Just because they’ve used them before. They set up the feet shot so well. And now, it’s just people getting out of a car. The shots have lost all emotional resonance and impact and now we’re just watching them repeat stuff we’ve already seen, differently, just to make it to the end.

Colin:

Like Lucas and the conspicuous wipes. And more wipes. And more wipes. And moist wipes. And baby wipes. 

Weird moment. Why are we watching this?

That’s a Porsche, though, isn’t it?

Colin:

WHOA WHOA WHOA that car. That’s a first-gen Porsche 911 body. I just checked to see which trim level it’s supposed to be and they say it’s a 912. If that’s the case, I can’t tell from here cause it’s got aftermarket shit on it, but it looks good. GOOD fucking choice for a car. That’s the best car we’ve seen in any non-Bond franchise so far. And it’s got the 16in Fuchs wheels, which — there have never been wheels that look better than Fuchs.

I do like the idea of a club having an entrance inside a parking garage.

Why are we seeing all this?

Colin:

And that’s a Porsche on the left. I love being able to tell these things.

Nice shot. Too bad he doesn’t matter.

Colin:

Oh, and there’s a 996 Carrera parked in the lot on the right as Seraph walks toward the camera. Three Porsches in one scene.

No, I’m pretty sure there were a few going into the club before.

Colin:

The fourth one down on the left side of the shot is a Jaguar E-Type, too. 

“Holy shit.”

“It’s Wingless.”

Wingless. UGH.

“I get it. You must be ready to die.”

I’m not even going to get into how lazy it is to have them ready to kill him at the drop of a hat just so we can see some fighting.

Mostly because I’m too disgusted that they basically just said he’s a fucking angel.

How lazy and awful is this writing?

The worst part is — I thought they wrote these sequels back to back and shot them back to back. How can you have an actual pretty decent second script and, at the same time, produce such garbage as this script?

Probably because the Wachowskis spent too much time at clubs like the one we’re about to go into.

“I need to speak with him.”

“The only way you’re getting through this door, is through my big, dead ass.”

“So be it.”

Colin:

Wait, they know who he is and they still acted that confident?

Neck snap!

Colin:

Face/Punch Neck/Snap

Explain to me how no one saw them coming.

Nice to see someone actually get shot.

Or rather, nice to see actual squibs and not CG.

But seriously, though — how did Morpheus and Trinity just sneak up on them like that? It’s not exactly a bustling parking garage. And shit echoes in those.

That was a tease.

Horribly set up, and too quick to matter.

Symmetry is always good, though.

Colin:

And here on the left is an early model Audi TT, which can only lead me to believe that Hugh Grant’s character from About a Boy must be at this club.

Subtle.

“There are no weapons allowed in the club. At the bottom of this elevator, there is a coat check girl, and if we are lucky, one man, for checking weapons.”

Colin:

I’m going to all the wrong clubs, apparently.

”And if we’re unlucky?”

“There will be many men.”

Bad writing.

Also, doesn’t this sound a lot like the, “Good for us”/”bad for us” bit from the previous movie?

It should, because it seems like they’re just repeating everything from before, only slightly differently.

So you’re wearing a gas mask.

Would be a good self help book title.

Colin:

I don’t understand this place. There’s no coat check, but there’s a gun check. What?

“Can I take your –”

Doesn’t this look a lot like the “Holy shit!” bit from the first movie?

I’m just gonna point them out, because you almost have to. What new stuff can you say when the situations are essentially the same?

Though I do have one new thing to add — does that latex have frills?

Colin:

This actress is going places.

Rape.

Or not.

Throw the titties in the elevator.

So my Neo can be free.

Colin:

Ah, you’re right. The Matrix is a big supplier of potassium. 

Christmas card.

… Christmas card.

So… we know what kind of shit the Wachowskis are into.

Colin:

I’m not one of those weirdos who knows about leather.

This looks like the upscale version of the place Keanu went in the first movie. What’s the classy version of mescaline?

Also… not the only way to fly. Turns out.

And while we’re on the subject… not to step on people’s personal preferences or anything, since, like what you like, but… two things that completely turn me off to the point of, “Eww” in movies: bondage type stuff, and feet. Just… no. In movies and in life.

Almost to the point where I’m actually curious about people who are into that stuff, and just want to probe… maybe a bad choice of words… ask them questions about how they got into it. Because I just don’t get it. I mean, sure, she wants to be choked a little bit, I don’t really have a problem with that. To an extent. But the thing with the leather and the mask, and the whip and stuff… don’t really get that. And it fascinates me not only when people are into it, but when they’re into it to the point of being way open about it.

Colin:

I had that discussion recently, where I was talking with someone about movies and they had never noticed Tarantino’s thing about feet. So I said, “Yeah, you never noticed any…weird stuff? Like how he lingers on toes for too long or incorporates women’s feet into all his movies?” And she goes, “What’s weird about that? What’s weird about liking feet?” “Oh. Um.”

It’s also funny to me to think that people need a certain thing in order to get off. What ever happened to liking getting your dick sucked and putting your parts against someone else’s parts?

Also, since we are on the subject… what exactly is the prevalence of this sort of thing in Japan, Colin? I feel like, while there is a subculture there, it’s not exactly prevalent the way I’d picture it to be prevalent in, say… Germany. Or even China. I already know, it’s probably more prevalent with the rich businessman type. That, I kind of get. I just mean as a thing in general. I feel like there’s not a huge amount of timid Japanese chicks who are secretly into wearing leather and wearing horse saddles and getting whipped every Friday.

This is the point where we go completely off topic for 2,000 words and then circle back to the movie when we get back to it.

Colin:

Well — it turns out that being INTO something in Japan is way different than actually practicing it. Everyone sees Japanese porn and thinks that Japanese sex is kinky as hell, but it turns out that on top of being one of the most undersexed countries in the world (Singapore still holds the honor of least-sexed country and most cold showers taken per capita), Japan is also a country of very unadventurous sex.

The first problem is that nobody’s getting together. There’s a baby shortage and young people aren’t hooking up. Sex doesn’t usually happen before a guy asks a girl to officially date him (I’ve done this a few times…you say, “Please be with me,” and she says ‘yes’ and then there can be sex at a later time) and when it does, a lot of them are so lacking in confidence and experience that they stick to the most basic of basics. For girls, that usually means lying back and squealing in an incredibly unappealing way until you’re done.

All the kinky porn is the result of sexual repression, not liberation. The guys will get off on it and remain single forever, or watch it as something interesting between encounters with their wives or girlfriends, who might participate in sex slightly more than a body pillow with speakers. I feel like I may have let some of you down, but there are sad truths out there.

If anything, I think we’re livening up the discussion. Because this movie is boring as shit so far. I’d rather be having our conversation. And if we were watching the movie in real time, I’d forget all about what was going on and be talking about this for ten minutes.

Colin:

Bring this up later, and I’ll continue. I feel like I could go on and on and share personal experiences about sex in Japan, and it would be a nice break from this script.

Oh, we’ve got a giant boring Zion battle coming up. Ample opportunity for stuff like this.

Anyway…

Colin:

What helps about being on the ceiling?

Morpheus knows.

Colin:

By this point, I think we all know how this shit goes.

This would be the best version of laser tag. One team is on one plane and the other team is on the other.

I’d love to be doing laser tag upside down.

Check guns here. I feel like that had to have been done in a western. A gun check. Give the ticket and get your gun back. And then you fuck the gun check girl back by the spittoon.

Colin:

You were right. Remember Dodge City? No guns north of Front Street, was it?

I think we need to lay how badly this movie sucks on Front Street.

Weird, take a look at that dot on the screen. Only happens in this frame. I doubled back twice to make sure it wasn’t a weird glitch or anything.

Completely unnecessary action scene, by the way. Most of this movie is unnecessary so far. They’re literally just rehashing shit they’ve already done. This is a lesser version of the hallway battle in the first movie, except the other guys are upside down for no reason.

No reason at all. Just upside down. Never explained, never really even mentioned. Just — there. And they kill them, and they move on.

HOW IS THAT COMFORTABLE? You have shitty chain mail on your arms. Either go the full knight or get off the pot.

The only thing interesting about this scene is the fact that it takes place below ground in a club that has a parking garage as its entrance.

Now he’s hopping around like fucking Toad.

And he just got shot in the throat.

Which… you know what the frog says the condoms, right?

Ribbit.

I’ll be here all week, guys! Be sure to tip your waitress.

(Which… great animated visual gag. Has to be animated, because that’s the only way the logic on this would work. If the waitress is a cow.)

(In case you guys weren’t aware, I am the self-appointed wit of my generation.)

Colin:

And I’m the self-appointed greatest self-appointer of my generation.

Another thing to point out before we get inside — all of this is like, way below ground. If a fire breaks out, everyone is just super fucked.

No one likes the smell of burnt leather.

And the other people will end up melting into bullets they can use in The Patriot.

Why do those columns have mini steps.

Repeating moves.

There should be no reason he’s missing right now.

Also this is the exact same thing from the first movie. I have no interest in this at all.

I like upside down shots, but what is the purpose of this in the movie? This is action for the sake of action. This is all just so they can say, “Hey, get Neo out of this limbo place that he’s in for like, no reason.” They built up a random obstacle just to take it down.

I’m so confused.

Sure, just do a handstand.

Or twerk. It’s not like we’re having a gun fight here.

Yeah, backflip away from the bullets. See where that gets you.

And see? If that were actual chainmail, you’d still be okay.

Maybe… shoot him?

Seriously, can we just point out how fucking ridiculous is. We’re actually watching this.

Colin:

Is it time to talk about Japanese sex again?

Morpheus and Trinity (I don’t even care what bootleg Jet Li is doing) are shooting at random guys in leather and gas masks, who are upside down. This is what we’ve become.

This is the moment you get shot in the head. Why would you do that? Stay behind the goddamn pillar.

That is not proper gunfight attire.

Colin:

That’s not proper ANYTHING attire.

She actually does fit in here. Maybe she used to frequent these clubs back in her d-base days.

This looks like a fun sex move.

Colin:

Is it just me, or is Trinity less useless than she used to be?

Ehh.

Maybe more driven.

(Monotone?)

Oh, but he can just go up on the ceiling.

Maybe shoot her in the fucking head right now.

No! Fucking really?! OH MY GOD. How did I not notice how awful this movie was before this?

Probably because I never watch it. They’re just repeating the same shit over and over.

This is outrageously bad.

Isn’t that how Bane went out?

Colin:

Are you sure you don’t mean Elaine Stritch?

My god. This is the Hangover sequel of action movies.

First a pillar, and then a weirdo in leather.

Told you that wasn’t proper gunfight attire.

Also, you were upside down.

Dragula isn’t playing. I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Also, eww.

Colin:

Oh, never mind, I have no need for this club.

I guess we should also mention how they keep making feet a thing. Those heels are what began this sequence. Somehow they think that’s a proper visual match to link everything together.

Seriously, though — eww.

The Wachowskis must really be into this shit.

Titties out.

Walk up in the club like, “Do you think that’s air you’re breathing now?”

Would be pretty great if no one even cares what you’re doing.

Colin:

This is how I show up to most parties.

Look at these fucking people.

Who exactly are they pointing their guns at? Aren’t all of these people unarmed?

And… dancing?

Are they randomly going to attack them?

I’m so confused.

There you go. You sleep with your backs all like that, so that way you don’t gotta get your head in the mud.

Like the lights as they spin.

What’s with that asshole following them around?

Colin:

I hate everything about this club. Why do people need to be this way?

Love the red tie on red shirt. Always a fan of that.

And Monica Bellucci. Always a fan of that.

I also like his reaction here. “What the fuck?” And he just laughs. Like, “These assholes came here?”

Colin:

Yes. He’s back and he’s clubbing with his wife. I love people who can go through some life-threatening shit and then show up to the club the next day.

What the fuck are you people wearing?

This place is exactly not my style. This place is the exact opposite of my style.

He reminds me of Michael Sheen in Tron, mixed with Michael Sheen in Twilight.

Colin:

He’s definitely the most interesting major character of the franchise for me.

Gas Punk?

Yup. That’s how you become a DJ nowadays. One button.

Now’s a good time to cut to the one gay guy tripping balls on ecstasy still dancing in the corner like, “Why are we getting all quiet? I wanna dance!”

Colin:

Oh shit, this café I’m in sells daytime cocktails? I’ll be right back, guys. Booze calls.

Love the red window behind him. Nice coloring. Not a lot of red in this franchise.

Colin:

This is still weird. He doesn’t seem like the type to be here, based on his character. It’s like Maroni in The Dark Knight — why was he in that club? It didn’t look like the type of place he’d go to. 

He asks if Seraph is here for the bounty. That would be pretty funny.

He also basically calls him an angel. But it’s in French, so not everyone picks up on it.

They only want to talk.

“Oh yes, I’m sure you do, you have fought through hell to do so, yes?”

Which is a little funny. Since this is Club Hel.

But also bullshit overtones that I hate.

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Put down the guns and I will promise you safe passage out of here.”

Colin:

Only The Humungus can grant safe passage.

“All three of us.”

Nice. Make sure he doesn’t weasel his way out. I completely understand. Technicalities are awesome.

Colin:

Safe passage for all three of them? I still don’t trust him. But at least Seraph saw Keira’s mistake and made him promise a bunch of stuff.

Look at that spiky helmet fuck.

LOOK AT THAT GUY IN THE BACK WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS

Is that a cat suit? What the fuck, people?

Holy shit, titties. I care about nothing else in this movie right now. Oh my sweet jesus look at those things.

I don’t normally go in for comically large breasts, but those things are a national treasure. Good job, Italy.

Colin:

I feel like this is not a good time to talk about sex in Japan. My lord.

How do you take that guy seriously? Even if he has a gun to your head.

Or that guy. He’s wearing a condom shirt.

They let him in the club like that?

And they gave him a cute Asian chick to fuck.

The Merovingian also calls Seraph a “little Judas.” A lot of hints as to what’s going on with him, yet no facts. And yet, we heard about Neo still being plugged in twice, and we heard about what the deal was with his train station twice. What gives?

He says some shit and eats olives.

(Red and green again. Also.)

Colin:

One thing I’ve still not acquired a taste for. And I’ve eaten some crazy stuff in Japan.

He knows why they’re here. (Naturally.) He knows everything.

“Come, now. What kind of question is this? Of course I know. It’s my business to know.”

Colin:

He enjoys knowing more than everyone else. This is the same as the last movie’s scene.

He’s more curious than anything. How it happened.

They have no idea. They just want to make a deal.

“Always straight to business, huh, Morpheus?”

I love his comical Maurice Chevalier accent.

He wonders what they could possibly have that he wants in order to make a deal.

“It so happens, there is something I want. Something I’ve wanted ever since I first came here. It it said it cannot be taken.”

The broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West?

“It can only be given.”

Herpes?

“What?”

“The eyes of the Oracle.”

Like… actually? Or, is this a Jafar scenario?

Colin:

Her eyes? He calls her a “Fortune Teller” and yet he wants her eyes? Not sure that’s consistent.

Why is she sitting there, smiling? Did he send her to Saudi Arabia? I think he might have sent her to Saudi Arabia.

Or I guess she just likes fucking around with him. I bet it makes the sex much more interesting.

Oh, but yeah, he goes back to his causality thing. How the universe brought them back here. It’s not coincidence, it’s consequence.

Colin:

Ti-t-t-t-ttays!

“Bring me the eyes of the Oracle, and I will bring you back your savior.”

This is actually an Oz scenario. Technically the Architect is the man behind the curtain.

“I don’t have time for this shit.”

FINALLY. Someone doesn’t have time for this bullshit.

Colin:

I do like that something comes up and is rejected, because that’s something we don’t often see. You get a mission, you do the mission, next thing. So rarely in film do we see something get brought up and set up as the next step in the film and then rejected. And that always makes things at least slightly more interesting.

She’s also negating every piece of dialogue we just heard.

Good job, Morpheus. Punch a woman in the throat.

What are you all nervous about? You helped them already. You’re in their cool book. Or are you getting turned on by this?

Look at that fuck in the back.

Colin:

More fighting? Aww. It’s only ever interesting when they talk.

Did you just wrap metal around your head?

Why are you wearing a shirt condom?

When he kicks a gun out of your hand, there should be no fluids in the air whatsoever.

OVERHEARD SHOT OF TITTIES.

Nice move.

So, that whole Oz speech basically amounted to nothing. Why bother?

That actually looks like what Lana Wachowski looks like now.

What we have here is an ethnically insensitive standoff.

Are those Wolverine claws?

Colin:

That mask is wrong. It looks like the white version of the thing that tipped off the storm troopers in Mos Eisley about where to find the Millennium Falcon.

MORE OVERHEAD TITTIES.

 Colin:

That’s probably a sign of maturity, isn’t it? That I don’t care about the fight scenes anymore? This standoff thing where everyone points their gun at someone else isn’t so special. I mean, shit. Crank 2 did that.

You look like Jack Nicholson as the Joker.

Shiftiest motherfucker here.

He’s the only one ready to listen.

“You wanna make a deal? How about this – you give me Neo, or we all die right here, right now.”

“Interesting deal. You are really ready to die for this man.”

*click*

“Believe it.”

Colin:

Notice that in all of these movies, people always point guns and then talk for a while before actually cocking the gun. It takes time to do that, and during all of this, you were only pointing the gun, right? I don’t get why they don’t just start with that. Isn’t the point of a standoff like this that you could pull the trigger and kill the other person at any time? Cause that isn’t the case here.

And here comes the requisite cut away to Monica Bellucci.

“She’ll do it. If she has to, she’ll kill every one of us. She’s in love.”

Not quite as I was expecting, but still. Filmmaking 101. Or, I guess… 201.

“It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity.”

Colin:

Love is like insanity. That’s why we don’t love these hos.

“Time’s up. What’s it gonna be, Merv?”

Merv?

THIS SHOT. That is all.

Colin:

How did he get in there? How did stopping those sentinels and going into a coma put him here? None of this is ever explained, is it?

NOT FUCKING ONCE.

And he’s talking himself through it. What’s he gonna do, fly through the wall?

I would have liked to have seen Montana him start to lose his shit after being here for so long.

Or have this be the moment where he’s like, “Am I hearing a train right now, or is it because I’m thinking so clearly of one coming that I’m hearing one?”

What kind of abilities does he have at the moment?

I like how the Trainman is just in front, chilling.

Colin:

Is there a reason that train has a steering wheel?

I wonder if he’s thinking he got himself out of this for the time being.

I thought the Trainman was omnipotent. Can’t he just blow shit up right now?

Colin:

Why is this franchise the worst she ever looked? She’s a good-looking actress, and this franchise made her look mostly wrong.

Aww…just like Reds.

Look at how unbuttoned her coat is.

So Neo’s arc in this movie: stuck somewhere, gotten out. Then goes off to die.

Just sort of idling through.

Colin:

Hey, the Lincoln Continental is back! We’re obviously no longer constrained by the demands of product placement.

Or real sets and locations. Or logic. Or a lot of things, really.

He can’t leave. He has to see the Oracle.

“It’s my last chance.”

Well that’s not ominous.

Also, how fucking bad is the writing here?

“That’s it, you’ve got to use your hands.”

That sounded like Benedict Cumberbatch in Atonement telling her “you have to bite” the chocolate.

Colin:

What other body part would you use to make cookies? You’re not using your feet.

That face isn’t helping.

“Cookies need love like everything does.”

I rest my case.

The Oracle’s gonna fuck that little program girl.

“What the fuck did I walk in on?”

“I was hoping to have these done before you got here. Oh well.”

Always good to have the cookies done before ze germans get there.

Also, “Oh well?” I thought you had this omnipotent shit on lock? Bring Gloria Foster back. She was better. I believed Gloria Foster was an Oracle. Mary Alice looks like the type of Oracle that’s going to have what happens to her happen.

Colin:

She didn’t know he would be there before the cookies were done? What a shitty oracle.

Oh well… oh, fucking what?

Colin:

I love knowing the voice to read that sentence in by the third word.

Doesn’t this version of the Oracle seem like a fuck up? Is that part of it? She forfeit her life or something because she helped Neo? Like Faramir? Her powers are diminished or something? Because she doesn’t sound omniscient and she can’t even tell when he’s going to show up. Last time, she knew all about him taking the candy and shit.

“I’m glad you got out.”

“Me too.”

I have no feelings about him getting out.

“So, do you recognize me?”

“A part of you.”

“Yeah, that’s how it works. Some bits you lose, some bits you keep.”

Why couldn’t she just be the same Oracle?

I’m actually looking this up to try to figure out what the deal is. I already love the way they describe her. “She is a mysterious but powerful figure, incongruously depicted as a cheerful old lady who smokes cigarettes and bakes cookies.”

But no. No explanation of exactly what happens to her. She just changes because I guess they’re out to kill her. Some sort of survival. Never explained. At all.

“I still don’t recognize my face in the mirror, but I still love candy.”

So what?

Colin:

So there it is. He trusted her entirely before and took her candy. Now he can’t trust her and he refuses the candy. Hooray, metaphors!

“Remember what you were like when you first walked through my door?”

Remember what you were like? Because I do. And this version sucks. Write it better.

She says he was “jittery as a junebug.” Right there, this isn’t the Oracle.

He asks her where “this” is going.

This is when you break up with them, when they start asking that.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know or you won’t tell me.”

See, no one should ever have the upper hand –

*gesture* (It had to be done. Colin understands.)

— when talking to the Oracle. She should always know more. It’s just no fun when she’s not holding all the power.

“I told you before, no one can see beyond a choice they don’t understand. And I mean no one.”

Don’t add that last part. It makes you fallible. We want to believe in you.

“What choice?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s my choice.”

The choice to die, I guess. Because why the fuck else would you return to your shitty apartment? Seriously, you had to change your face to survive, and yet you came back to this fucking place? Why were you in the park last movie? Just so Neo would have a reason to be there when Smith showed up?

I like how she’s baking cookies, yet has some already in a jar. I mean, I agree, you can never have enough cookies, but still.

No idea why you wanted to have that batch finished for when he showed up, either. Since you have some to give him. This whole scene makes no sense and is written horribly.

Also, I want to own a bread box. I like weird shit like that people don’t use anymore. I’m going to have a house full of those things, and then when people come over, they’re gonna be like, “Yeahh.” Because I’ll just have a bunch of offbeat stuff that everyone wants but never thinks to buy. I’m gonna have the best house.

“I have mine to make, same as you have yours.”

The whole thing is she’s going to die so he can realize later that he has to die and him dying is going to save everyone. So basically the purpose of this scene is for her to say she made a choice, but not tell him what, since it’s basically to convince him to die later.

“Does that include not to tell me?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me about the Architect?”

Sounds like he’s accusing his mother of having a new boyfriend.

He wants to know why she never told him all that stuff. She says it wasn’t time for him to know.

This is actually Harry Potter being led to die, except we don’t get a solid understanding and great emotional impact when the decision is made. Here it just sort of happens.

Colin:

DID he decide it wasn’t time to know? You don’t usually know what you should and shouldn’t know when you don’t know it. This is, of course, from the wisdom of the incomparable Donald Rumsfeld, who really has his shit together.

Of course they brought that back.

Okay, so now, he wants to know some other shit. The whole, being in the Matrix without being in, and how he stopped the sentinels. “Tell me what the hell is happening to me.”

“The power of the One extends beyond this world. It reaches back all the way to where it came from.”

The Source.

He touched the Source when he got rid of those sentinels.

Did he now?

He wasn’t ready to, though. So he should be dead.

“But apparently you weren’t ready for that either.”

So the Source is brought up, and we still have no idea what the fuck it is, and never will, really. And we also know that he basically should be dead, and we’re just setting up for that moment.

“The Architect told me that if I didn’t return to the Source, Zion would be destroyed by midnight tonight.”

Speeding through the exposition, aren’t we?

“Please. You and I may not be able to see beyond our own choices, but that man can’t see past any choice.”

And then she says some shit about variables and equations. I don’t care. Basically, the Architect’s purpose is to balance equations, and her purpose is to unbalance them.

Colin:

She thinks The Architect is a dim-witted idiot who can’t see past his equations. This is precisely the relationship we see between people in the sciences and people in humanities. People in the humanities say shit like, “You don’t have any idea how to communicate, and you don’t understand purpose.” And then the science-y people say, “Well you should learn to speak English so you can be understood.” And I’m a humanities person.

“I want the same thing you want, Neo. And I am willing to go as far as you are to get it.”

“The end of the war.”

Colin must be loving all of this.

Colin:

Why would she want the end of the war? Why would someone believe in any of this?

“Is it going to end?”

“One way, or another.”

She has no idea if Zion can be saved, but the answer is only going to be found at the Source, so that’s where he’s going.

“And if you can’t find the answer, I’m afraid there might not be a tomorrow for any of us.”

“What does that mean?”

THESE ARE EASY STATEMENTS TO INTERPRET.

“Everything that has a beginning, has an end.”

There you go. Say some cryptic shit, then put out a cigarette.

“I see the end coming. I see the darkness spreading. I see death. And you are all that stands in his way.”

Colin:

Darkness is spreading!

“Smith.”

Colin:

Oh, so we’re brought back to Smith. I guess it sorta makes sense. We’ve been focused on the robots and now on him, and now it all comes together. But it’s pretty convenient that he’s just been comatose there for the whole time as shit happens around him.

Kind of like… the beginning of the franchise?

“Very soon he’s going to have the power to destroy this world, but I believe he won’t stop there; he can’t. He won’t stop until there’s nothing left at all.”

“What is he?”

“He is you. Your opposite, your negative, the result of the equation trying to balance itself out.”

He’s not finding this out on his own. So I really don’t give a shit about any of it.

“What if I can’t stop him?”

“One way or another, Neo, this war is going to end. Tonight, the future of both worlds will be in your hands… or in his.”

He’s got the whole world in his hands…

Why did they both wake up at the same time? Just because they’re opposites, or whatever?

Is no one monitoring him?

Colin:

And he wakes up. Is he gonna kill people? Why do I feel like he kills a bunch of people?

Because he’s a creepy looking white guy?

They usually kill a bunch of people.

How’d they get him plugged in?

Colin:

How did they unplug him if he wasn’t plugged in in the first place? Did they plug him in so they could unplug him?

Are they all going to have sex with her?

Oh, Bane’s awake. Right.

Colin:

Oh, he didn’t kill people yet? Oh, okay. Wishful thinking, I guess.

This is the first time we saw her.

Only this isn’t who walked in.

“Oracle—”

Those phone books are still there.

“I know. I know.”

Really? You didn’t seem to know shit before.

Sends the kid off.

Let her die somewhere else.

Colin:

Why is he saving the little girl? Forget her, she’s expendable.

Why is she sending her off?

Because…

SMITH!

Makes me wonder why they wasted the feet shot with the club earlier. Makes no goddamn sense.

Yeah, sure, do that. That’s smart.

“Any of you mugs got a light?”

That would be pretty funny.

Does he have the power to do that?

It’s badass, don’t get me wrong. But does he? Seems too coordinated to work like that.

She’s too calm for someone in danger of death.

Go up.

Or jump in between. That would be fucked up, if you pulled that off.

Maybe grab a fat guy and use him as a cushion.

Didn’t you used to have Keymaker keys? What happened to those?

Somebody did a shitty wallpaper job.

Colin:

That’s such an Asian thing. She says she’s scared, and he doesn’t tell her it’s going to be okay. He just gives orders.

Well, we all know how this shot is going to end.

What? Really? Not a hand through the wall?

Colin:

Oh, you’re fucked.

“Well, well, it’s been a long time.”

“I’ve beaten you before.”

Well that’s interesting. Too bad we DON’T EVER GET TO SEE IT.

But I’m sure that double exposition and upside down fight scene were worth it.

“Yes, but as you can see, things are different now.”

“And you must be the last exile.”

“The Oracle told me about you.”

This will end well.

“Really? What did she say about me?”

This face is priceless.

“That you are a bad man.”

“Oh, I’m not so bad, once you get to know me.”

More of this exchange. I want to see Smith interacting with children.

Colin:

YES. THIS SCENE. HUGO WEAVING THREATENING A CHILD. THIS SCENE IN EVERY MOVIE.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

Colin:

She doesn’t give a fuck. She just sits there smoking.

“The great and powerful Oracle. We meet at last.”

Hey, remember that Oz stuff I was saying earlier?

Yup.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“I suppose you’ve been expecting me. Right?”

Love the way he says ‘right.’

“The all-knowing Oracle is never surprised. She knows everything. But if that’s true, then why is she here? She knew I was coming. Why didn’t she leave?”

Colin:

Why wouldn’t she leave? This is also an amazing scene.

FUCK THESE COOKIES!

This face.

Colin:

GPOY

“Maybe you knew I was gonna do that, maybe you didn’t. If you did, that means you baked those cookies and set that plate right there deliberately, purposefully. Which means that you’re sitting there also deliberately, purposefully.”

Colin:

SERIOUSLY, that face. I take it back, the Merovingian is only awesome because Smith wasn’t around for any of that. Hugo Weaving just threw something at a wall and I remembered why he’s my favorite. Seriously, just that was worth the price of admission for this movie.

“What did you do with Sati?”

“Cookies need love like everything does.”

Colin:

Oh, so the tiny Indian girl became Hugo Weaving. That sounds like a step up. Although, it sounds like he gained her memories by assimilating her, which means he knows a lot more than just that, no?

The Tiny Indian Girl Became Hugo Weaving.

Love the laugh.

“You are a bastard.”

“You would know, Mom.”

They repeat useless exposition twice, but never flesh out lines like this.

“Do what you’re here to do.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I like the respect he’s showing. Good on him.

Does this happen when he assimilates every program, or just the ones important to the plot?

Evil laugh.

Maniacal evil laugh.

Colin:

HOLY FUCK I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT

Really maniacal evil laugh.

And that’s the END OF PART I. Because what better way to end an article than with a maniacal evil laugh?

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and the… Bane, of this movie.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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