Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), Part II — “I Often Think About Wires Too in My Spare Time”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Revolutions.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the second part of The Matrix Revolutions.
We begin Part II with an interrogation.
I wonder if he ate all the donuts.
I bet future donuts are horrible.
Look at this interrogation. I don’t see a good cop.
They really are all making mean faces. I didn’t pay attention, cause I was looking at the captain of this ship, who turns out to be a jerk.
“Why would I do that to myself? Unless of course, I wasn’t myself. But, if I’m not me, then who am I?”
This actor is seriously good at imitating Hugo Weaving. Is that how he got cast? Did they do a Hugo Weaving impersonator contest or something?
“Has this man been tested for VDT’s?”
For what, now? I was gonna make an STD joke, but we never actually find out what the fuck VDT stands for. Perhaps a detail you might want to explain if you’re gonna throw the term out multiple times.
But seriously, is this Matrix herpes?
At this point, I think everything is Matrix herpes.
Look at his shitty little kitchen.
It means things.
I often think about wires too in my spare time.
That’s actually a dinosaur. The three-dicked brachiosaur. Been in all the papers.
Is that the one Cary Grant was putting together?
Mordor, but with machines.
I just got the same impression. I wish we knew where this was, though. It’d be funny if we saw the center of the machines’ civilization, and there was a rusty sign that said something like ‘Newark.’
Maybe you should develop a drinking problem.
That was the first advice Mike ever gave me. It’s paid dividends.
Slide down the ladder.
There’s nothing I want to see more right now than people driving around sewers.
This is what cruising is, isn’t it?
Where were you in 2162?
Agent Charles Martin Smith?
Asian Charles Martin Smith.
“Bodies bein’ found on Green leaf with their fuckin’ heads cut off / Motherfucker I’m Dre.”
Oh, yeah, they found the Logos.
So that happened.
Ship’s picking up no signs of life, but the hull is in tact.
So I guess there’s that.
“Hey, this guy’s dead. But his car’s still good, so…”
Which ship is this? Was this Niobe’s ship? I’m seriously not keeping track of this stuff.
This is very Alien.
Dead shit. This is like Alien.
“Put that shit away, boys, all she needs is a jump.”
I thought you weren’t picking up signs of life.
Is that a reference to their inflection?
Who the fuck else would it be?
Are we playing that game again? WRITE BETTER.
Oh damn it. STOP IT WITH THE GODDAMN NAME TRADING.
They have a conversation. Subtext is clear.
Interesting shot choices. Start in close, establish they wanna fuck, then cut out, so the space is palpable.
This is really all I have to talk about right now.
I’m checked out on dialogue between them.
She saw the Oracle. Was told the same thing she’s always told. “Exactly what I needed to hear.”
Apparently the Oracle just takes visitors?
Does it not weird everyone else out when people stand with their legs that far apart? That’s not natural. I mean, I get that it’s for the sake of the shot (symmetry!), but still, I notice this a lot in movies.
It’s the way I imagine an out of shape, 46-year-old woman standing at the beginning of her first karate lesson. “I’m ready!” No you’re not.
Also, those two guys on the ends are like the two people in college who just don’t give a fuck and bring a laptop to class even though it’s a language or something where you clearly don’t need one.
Anyway, apparently Lock’s been running scenarios. Every time the machines get inside the city, they can’t win. Or, rather, the odds go way down. So their goal is to make sure that doesn’t happen. Sounds pretty logical to me.
Oh, and then, the only place they can mount a decent defense is at the base of the temple, where they can force them into a bottleneck. You know, military strategy and shit.
The only thing is, they’re boring through with a drill, which makes direction irrelevant. They can bore around your bottleneck and just poke a hole in the side of the temple if they want. It’s like discussing directional strategy in a space battle — in a 3D scenario, you can’t bottleneck someone because there’s always another way to flank until you’ve got them entirely surrounded.
He also requested additional volunteers. Kind of like Helm’s Deep.
“If it were up to me, counselor, I’d take every man, woman and child, put a gun in their hand and march them straight into that dock.”
Sure, that seems… necessary. And unlikely to cause way more casualties than it’s worth. I see no reason why that shouldn’t work. Let’s go with that.
“Perhaps it is best that it is not up to you.”
Exact same dialogue as last movie. I have never seen such a blatant showing of someone not giving a shit any… oh, wait… Spider-Man 3. Never mind.
Locke is a dick, but I can’t say I’m not sympathetic. They’re facing the destruction of their entire civilization and these old assholes are telling him he’s a dick for requesting everyone’s cooperation.
“Time will tell, counselor.”
And naturally they ask if there’s been word from the Nebuchadnezzar. Because they did that last movie, too. And he says there isn’t, and there probably never will be.
“But we can hope.”
“I’m afraid hope is an indulgence I don’t have time for.”
It’s funny how they left essentially this same set up for this place. Only difference is, instead of technology and food and all the stuff we live with, they eat goop and shit and wear tattered clothes, and they don’t get their own goo pod.
I don’t like the idea of a goo pod. Where do you hang your posters?
“Hey, can we come die here with you?”
She ain’t going.
Why does she have the materials for making shells? Did she just have that stuff? Or was it like she volunteered and they gave her a My Home Munitions Factory Kit?
“Kids, stay here.”
Where the fuck else would they go? This apartment is no bigger than a janitor’s closet.
Widowed women wear robes that cover everything. Married women wear low-cut tank tops.
She tells her it’s crazy, yada yada yada, but she pulls the, “Yeah, but if it were your husband…” card. And that ends it.
Hah. Pull the dead husband card. That always works.
I’m choosing to leave the close up as the crux of the drama, because that would be more interesting than what this movie did.
You fuck up.
This kid is a fucking failure. Does he die? I feel like he doesn’t. Isn’t he like the only one who survives, in spite of his incompetence, which probably costs multiple lives? He’s the Upham, isn’t he?
“What the shit is going on here?”
He volunteered. Apparently this guy is gonna berate him for it. But it’s cool, since we already know how this is going to turn out. The law of clichés.
“Pod-born pencilneck?” That’s a pretty great name. Imagined racism is the staple of all good franchises.
“How old are you kid?”
“Should have said sixteen, I might have believed that.”
Really? You’d believe 16 over 18?
Also, the actor is like, 23, so I wouldn’t believe any age he tried to tell me.
“Machines don’t care how old I am. They’ll kill me just the same.”
The laziness of this plot is demoralizing.
“Ain’t that the goddamn truth.”
“Give me a chance, sir. I won’t let you down.”
“You do, you’ll find me and the machines have got something in common.”
It cracks me up that the guy playing Mifune was also the leader of the orcs who captured Merry and Pippin. Franchises have so much overlap.
That’s how you start this thing? Pump three times and punch it?
Here’s what I don’t get — if they can be faster and more precise and everything when they’re punched in, why don’t they plug in to fly, too? Everyone on these ships except the operators has plugs, and they’re not usually the ones flying. Why not do it on a local area program that doesn’t require broadcast but supposedly allows you to do your job better, like the air traffic controllers we saw plugged in at the gate in Zion?
And wouldn’t that be cool? To see Jada plugged in with her eyes closed and the ship doing all the crazy shit it does in the upcoming chase scene? And she’d be on speaker phone, yelling at them to do shit.
This is still very Alien.
Now they got two ships.
Something’s all fucked up with the Matrix feed.
Probably because everyone in the Matrix is Agent Smith.
What’s up with the Matrix feed? Is that Smith fucking everything up? Probably, right?
Military strategy. Do not care, do not care.
I do like the map shot, though. I always like map shots. See? There’s Osgilliath, and there’s Tortuga.
They’re gonna fuck some shit up and create a hole big enough for Niobe to get through. He figures that’s the only way.
But it’s not. There’s a support tunnel.
“That’s a mechanical line. It’s impossible. No one can pilot mechanical.”
She can. She’s done it.
“That was a long time ago, Niobe.”
“I said I can do it.”
Oh shit, she’s a hotshot pilot. Tropes galore.
The worst is that she and Morpheus apparently used to bomb around mechanical lines in their 20s.
“Hey guys, what’s going on?”
“I know time is always against us, and I’m sorry that I took so long. But I wanted to be sure.”
“Sure of what?”
“I know what I have to do.”
“There is no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it.
I took a shit on Link. I couldn’t help it. I have to take one of the ships.”
He’s gotta go to
Newark the Machine City.
“Is this what the Oracle has told you?”
That untrustworthy bitch?
He says the ship will go to hell “long before” he lets Neo take it anywhere.
He does sound pretty fucking ridiculous, to be fair.
Sad Keanu is sad.
“He can take mine.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Don’t even think of trying to tell me what I can or cannot do with my ship after that little speech.”
Oh, she shut you the fuck down. You pull some shit talking about running your own ship and then tell her she can’t do shit. That IS a white person thing.
“I will pilot this ship, he can take mine.”
Makes sense. She’s the only one that can do it anyway. And he was about to sacrifice his ship to get her through anyway. But way to sacrifice logic for speeches, guys! You’re making the world a better place.
All this so we can see Jada Pinkett fly the shit out of that ship and let Neo go on his merry journey to Robot New York.
“Two ships, two directions. Sounds like providence, doesn’t it, Morpheus?”
“You’ve never believed in the One.”
“I still don’t.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“I believe in him.”
“Yeah, whatever, motherfucker. Just don’t scratch my ship.”
Any time you see a person doing this, you know it’s going to backfire on them.
Is she gonna inject him with Listerine? That looks like Listerine. Oh wait, is THIS when he kills people? Am I just hoping he kills people? I feel like does.
“What if I don’t want to remember?”
“What if I blew that EMP? What if I did destroy those ships, and I am responsible for the deaths of all those men? If I did that, it wouldn’t be very safe for me here, would it?”
Oh wow. I want this guy to just be a creepy Hugo Weaving double in everything. Or to just make weird, creepy remakes of Hugo Weaving movies.
Not sure I want to see him with Tara Reid’s vajeen around his neck.
She’s so fucking turned on right now.
Well this isn’t suggestive at all.
Driver’s License photo.
“Of course it might not be very safe for you either.”
It looks like he’s gonna spit in her mouth.
Aww… and we knew so much about her.
I’m glad he killed this woman. She looks like Alison Pill after like 15 years on a commune.
I’m Glad He Killed This Woman.
Naturally she’s coming with him.
I literally just saved you an entire scene, and you’re going to go through with it anyway.
“Trinity, there’s something I have to say. Something you need to understand. I know I’m supposed to go. But beyond that, I don’t know what –”
“I know. You don’t think you’re coming back. I knew it the moment you said you had to leave. I could see it in your face. Just like you knew the moment you looked at me that I was coming with you.”
“I’m scared, Trin.”
I just laughed involuntarily at that.
This is the one where Neo goes full-on nut case. Like, art school nut case.
“So am I. Took me ten minutes to buckle up one boot.”
REALLY?! That’s what makes you scared? Also, you did this last movie, why the fuck are you afraid now? You fucking died last movie!
Can this movie stop being like this movie? I’m done sticking up for them and trying to take it easy on them for all the backlash. This is BAD.
Can This Movie Stop Being Like This Movie?
“But I’ll tell you something. Six hours ago, I told the Merovingian I was ready to give anything and everything for you.”
Oh right in the feelings. Doesn’t she die? I sure hope she dies.
What’s with the nod?
“Do you know what’s changed in the last six hours?”
Well time. Time has changed.
Not sure I buy these two together.
Why do the plugs look different every time?
You think Europeans are on a different voltage or something? Are there people adapters?
That looks like rubber.
I’d like this so much better if they lived on a submarine.
He’s got a phone in his cockpit.
“Goodbye, Scarecrow. I’m going to miss you most of all.”
See, now all I can think about is how racist this scene would have been in 1939.
The black servant crying in an over the top fashion. Then he gets sent off on his mule named Stinky.
“I only hope you know what you’re doing.”
Sounds reassuring to me.
“It was an honor, sir.”
“No, the honor is still mine.”
Well, at least they paid off that piece of shit line.
Hug it out, bitch.
Everyone says goodbye cause we know it’s all over. Even though there are still 80 minutes of movie left. At this point, I won’t say this is necessarily worse than the second movie. That wouldn’t be fair. It’s lighter on action, which is good.
I would say this is definitely worse. Not so much less entertaining. Just, on a filmmaking level, and a writing level, it’s an awful movie. I can watch it and like it just fine. But when you think about how much of this movie is just a broad outline of a trilogy end filled in with the same shit they did before, just different — I have a hard time being okay with that. I feel like they could have tried a little harder to fill in the empty space with better things and not relied so much on what got them here.
Oh no. I went back and looked at this again — WAY worse than the second movie, and the second movie was considerably worse than the first movie. This franchise was one masterpiece and two forgettables. Like Destiny’s Child.
Really, Trinity? Not a word for your father figure?
Man, Fishburne has bad luck with daughters.
Time to go.
“Bye, baby. Take good care of her.”
I think the appropriate thing to say here is, “Bitch, you ain’t Solo.”
And no sooner do they get away does a fuse blow.
Naturally, she’s gonna go check it out. By herself.
Oh, shit isn’t working. Is Bane here, fucking with stuff?
Should I talk more about Japanese sexuality now? Like how Japanese girls often default to rape noises because they think guys like that?
“I should have known he’d send his bitch first.”
“No one ever got away from me as many times as you did. Every single time I thought it was the last. Every time I was sure we had you, but somehow you’d slip through our fingers. I really can’t express just how, aggravating, that can be.”
“What are you talking about?”
Are you not good with vocal inflections? It’s not like you know this guy that well.
“I think I might enjoy killing you as much as killing him.”
YES. He’s great. This makes this movie worthwhile. Those people who attack this movie don’t appreciate Hugo Weaving or his double nearly enough.
A good blood spurt goes a long way.
Bout three and a half feet, by my estimation.
“Neo, it’s Bane, he’s psychotic.”
That took way too long. Just scream for one second and he’ll come running.
That was fucking amazing. I forgot this happened, so when I saw this during the initial watch, I went, “OOH, fuck!”
That was really nice. That was a ‘fuck you’ smash.
NICE HEAD SMASH.
“You’re gonna pay for that.”
They find out Maggie is dead and Bane is gone.
“I knew he fired that EMP. Goddamnit, I should have beaten it out of him.”
They can’t go help them. Because if he killed them, he’ll control another EMP.
Too late. They’re on their own. This is all very convenient, but it actually does work.
He calls him Mr. Anderson! Yes!
“I see you are as predictable in this world as you are in the other.”
Neo doesn’t say shit. The one time he’s speechless, it’s the one time I actually WANT him to talk. If he said something, Bane would have shit to laugh about.
“He’s out of his mind.”
“It might appear that way to you, but Mr. Anderson and I know that appearances can be deceiving.”
“Confused, Mr. Anderson? It’ll all become clear in a moment. Thank you for bringing me the gun, you can set it down right there.”
“Don’t do it. Shoot. Shoot now.”
“Yes, shoot. Fry us. Burn us alive.”
“Look at him. He knows he should do it, but he won’t. He can’t.”
“Let her go.”
Very poor choice of words.
Everyone says the same thing and every time, it’s the wrong choice of words. Speaking of which, what happened with the Joker after Batman goes out the window? They never address what happens, which is weird, considering he still hadn’t found the guy he was looking for and still had the room on lockdown.
Throw the bitch down the hole.
So my dinner can be free. By which I mean that I will throw bitches down holes for free food.
I’ll do it just to pass the time.
Some bitches like holes.
Why would he not STILL cut her throat? You’ve got the time.
“Somehow familiar. Isn’t it? We’ve been here before, you and I. Remember? I do. I think of nothing else.”
Smith, masturbating furiously.
“Who are you?”
HE FUCKING CALLED YOU MR. ANDERSON!
He really is retarded. How does he not recognize Smith? After the “Mr. Anderson” and everything?
“Still don’t recognize me. Though I admit it is difficult to even think, encased in this rotting piece of meat. The stink of it, filling every breath. A suffocating cloud you can’t escape.”
No? Nothing? Jesus Christ, buddy. You really aren’t too bright.
“Look at how pathetically fragile it is. Nothing this weak was meant to survive.”
I dunno — it fixes itself. Compared to machines…most cars last about 10 years.
“What do you want?”
“I want what you want.”
“Yes… that’s it, Mr. Anderson.”
“Look past the flesh. Look through the soft gelatin of these dull, cow eyes, and see your enemy.”
“It can’t be.”
“There is nowhere I can’t go, there is nowhere I won’t find you.”
“Not impossible. Inevitable.”
“Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.”
“This is it, it’s gotta be.”
And the power’s out. Great.
At least he knew to just fire.
That’s the one great thing about Smith. He doesn’t fall into the usual villain traps. If anything his one fault was not realizing what would happen if he won.
Fighting with sparks? I really have no more patience for action in this franchise.
Do you WANT a kick to the plums?
Not the dirigible plums!
That’s probably not good for the ship.
Ahahahaha. Someone’s constipated.
Whoa… he’s actually gonna kill him.
Do you guys remember cumming for the first time?
Blinded by the light.
Haha. WITH THE FACIAL!
He’s still walking. That’s hilarious. I stop rooting for a character as soon as they go blind. Ray was pretty tough to get through.
He’s got a point. How can you root for blind people?
Have you guys seen Milk?
“I wish you could see yourself, Mr. Anderson.”
“You’re a symbol for all of your kind, Mr. Anderson. Helpless. Pathetic.”
“Just waiting to be put out of your misery.”
Swing, and a miss.
“I can see you.”
That’s pretty cool that his fire avatar has sunglasses.
Can’t he see code? Couldn’t he notice this before? Or can he only see code when he’s plugged in? Are we ignoring a plot hole? I’m not sure where the logic is at in this franchise.
That was only when plugged in. Now he’s seeing something else. I dunno. Remember Daredevil? Remember how that should never have been made?
“It’s not over, Mr. Anderson.”
“It’s not over.”
He’s yelling like a crazy person. I would LOVE it if she stopped loving him because he has no eyes left.
“Oh no. Your eyes.”
Line of the movies.
“But Lt. Neo, you ain’t got no eyes.”
“Lt. Neo, I got you some Tastee Wheat. Lt. Neo, Tastee Wheat!”
Same thing, basically. Except here… there is no spoon.
“I’ll be okay.”
“It’s all right, Trin. But I think you’re gonna need to drive.”
Oh no. Woman driver!
Joke sound, laugh track. Freeze frame. End credits.
He seems totally cool with all this. Which, what?
They’re gonna breach in like, 20 minutes. Fortunately, they have no idea they don’t have EMP.
And they’re getting the APUs into position. What are APUs? No fucking idea. Fortunately, they’re going to show them to us in a second, so at least we’ll get a visual.
Are the APUs not already in position?
Where are the APUs normally?
These things. The big fucking Gundam suits.
These things seem horribly inefficient. They need little assholes to run around reloading them and stuff, and they offer little to no protection for the operators. I know that the sentinels are able to cut through even thick armor, like on the hovercrafts, but in this technological age, do we still not have fucking FORCE FIELDS? No shields or none of that shit? This is a striking juxtaposition of almost incomprehensibly advanced software and hardware that could theoretically be built and deployed by North Korea.
Runners are fun jobs.
I like that you can just climb into these things. Though maybe they should have looked into, you know, shielding people from being able to get shot in the fucking face.
Seriously, that’s like… amateur hour level improper design.
I feel like a HUGE electromagnet would be a good defense. Like, they’re all metal, right? And they all have inner-workings, yes? Get a bigass magnet and either scramble their internal shit or just stick them all to a wall. You have a BUNCH of electricity to use. Why not try a magnet? Simple, effective. I think I just saved Zion. You’re welcome.
That’s a lot of people just standing around. You guys do know a battle is about to break out, right?
This is where you lost me. I mean… what?
So your defense against the machines was building shitloads of these things for the day when they’d breach the walls of your city?
This is a shot for the end of a Terminator movie, not a Matrix movie.
Oh god. A speech.
Oh just get this over with and go kill those Na’vi or whoever.
“Now, you all know me.”
So what if they know you? What does that have to do with the speech?
You know him too, don’t you, cross between Jack Black and John Belushi.
And you, Matthew Fox.
And you too, Mexican Vince Vaughn.
“If it’s our time to die, it’s our time.”
All right, guys, good talk.
“All I ask is, if we have to give these bastards our lives, we give ‘em hell before we do!”
Really? Not a single accident happens with these things? All it takes is one shoulder twitch and you just knocked at least one person down into that crevice.
Yeah, you people seem important.
Oh, right, the lesbian chick.
It’s funny how gender binaries are enforced even here. The butch chick does the shooting, and the feminine one just has to load.
Aw, is this other chick a lesbian? She’s gonna die. Notice that lesbians always die.
Time to navigate the mechanical line.
Are they ghost riding this thing?
Or, I guess… Ghost riding.
Oh, is this the big chase? I remember this being some straight up video game shit. Get on them turrets, play the Star Wars music, shoot the TIE fighters. And here’s Ghost! I played as him in the video games for Xbox. That was some crazy shit. Playing that game and getting to use bullet time. Those games were the SHIT.
That’s a lot of facial hair for an Asian.
Facial hair does happen in Asia.
This is what Morpheus has been reduced to. Standing around. In the first movie, he was the most important character. Now he’s just filling time.
Wouldn’t you wanna make sure you weren’t losing altitude? Maybe five pads? Cause then you’re gonna hit stuff and the sentinels will hear you and you’ll be fucked.
Like I said.
A HA HA. They immediately turn around and pull out the guns.
“Ghost, you’re the best gunner we have, go with them. Morpheus, take his place.”
Pikachu, take notes!
Still kissing that superstitious shit, huh? We actually care more about the wife in this one cause she’s DOING something. What a waste that was, putting her in the last movie and making her an insufferable bitch.
Anyway, this is more exciting. And Ghost is on the guns! Wait a second, why weren’t they using these turrets before, like in the first movie? The sentinels just showed up, and there weren’t even that many. Why wouldn’t you have shot them to pieces?
Jada’s taking her clothes off! SHIT IS ON.
If she’s gonna die, she’s gonna die comfortable.
“Here they come.” Never again. That line. Never again.
That was a Star Wars move too, from Empire. When the Millennium Falcon does the loop before flying into the cave on the asteroid that ends up being a worm.
“Holy Christ, I didn’t know the ship could do that.”
Who’s this sentinel dude? Is he the squid captain? Or the squid squadron leader?
– – – – – – – – – –
And that’s the END OF PART II.
Tomorrow is Part III, and the Matrix equivalent of the Endor battle.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)