Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), Part III — “Tiananmen Squid”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Revolutions.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the third part of The Matrix Revolutions.

We begin Part III right as the shit is about to go down.

This franchise loves shots of feet entering the frame. Not that I’m complaining. It’s an awesome shot most of the time. I’m just pointing out that it does.

“Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk…”

Colin:

You look like midgets in those suits.

Those clothes are very Asian inspired.

Is that just a random crane?

What kind of construction crews did you guys have to build that thing?

Colin:

This looks crazy fake. Like, I don’t know why we’re being shown any of this, because it’s not terribly impressive and we don’t even get what this place is or why it’s important.

This is apparently the dock. Never once do we get an idea of the size or scale of Zion, or where this is in relation to anyone else. All we know is, people are going to die, and action is coming.

Man, CGI’s come a long way. And yet… still looks as cartoonish as this. (Don’t believe me… watch Amazing Spider-Man 2.)

Colin:

Didn’t they say stuff was going down at the base of the temple? Isn’t this a dock of some kind?

Someone’s peeing on the temple steps.

There’s no way you could have fortified that more?

Colin:

Is it gonna be a baby dino-saw?

Hoth actually looked better than this.

Colin:

You say ‘actually’ like we should be surprised that this doesn’t look as good as Hoth. I think we all went into this knowing that would be the case.

I think that was a blanket statement of — practical sets from 20 years earlier that looked borderline fake actually look better than digital sets that can be made however they want and do whatever they want. This is still the case more than half the time. I don’t understand why people go for this sort of stuff.

Colin:

Still, what a total Hoth rip-off.

How can you even become invested when you know you’re watching a cartoon?

Horn drill. (He said, knowing that phrase fills Colin with anxiety, and me, nothing.)

Colin:

Have we never discussed that? How I’d use Double Team (yeah!) like 5 times and still get hit with every attack, and Mike send his Pokemon in like an asshole and never get hit with anything? Douchebag’s luck, I call it.

“OPTIMUS!”

Is that ergonomic?

Seems like a poorly thought out plan from all sides.

Battleground maps. Always great. Even if they are CG.

So this was apparently built with 23 people.

Are Tiger Tanaka’s ninjas gonna come down?

Also, what if you put super elastic over that right now? Just made them bounce back. I bet they’d be like, “What the fuck?”

Why were you guys not ready to shoot before this?

Why not have EMP rockets or grenades or some such shit? Or like an EMP forcefield, so when they run through it, they die?

You guys were pretty lackadaisical about your defenses all these years.

Always scream when firing automatic weapons.

We have no emotional attachment to any of this.

I guess now would be a good time to get back into that discussion we held off on back in Part I. Because I’ve got nothing else to talk about here.

Colin:

So here’s the drill squad. They should just put a single nuke in that drill and blow it. Seems useless wasting all these sentinels. See? I would clinch the win for EITHER side. I’m basically God in this universe.

I mean, yeah. But shouldn’t you guys be coordinated and do it in waves, so when the first group runs out of ammo, the second can keep firing during the time they reload?

I like how the rounds are bigger than a human finger.

Where are they gonna dump all the bodies?

Who is taking their aim away from the hundred that are coming through the hole to shoot at two loose ones flopping against the wall like a fly that can’t get out?

They really missed out by not including a musical number with these things.

Imagine one of these things doing the wire dance from Ocean’s Twelve.

Colin:

I wanna see the places where all these robots get made. Where’s the robot Isengard where we see them all being forged and birthed by evil magic or whatever?

Speaking of Isengard — that does kind of look like the Black Gate.

Sentinels would have made the opening to Revenge of the Sith so much more interesting.

Uh oh, Bruce Campbell is fucked.

This seems like a really poorly organized military force. These people are just going wherever they want.

These things have a killing power of one. What are you adding to this battle?

The element of guerrilla warfare?

What should really be happening is a ground battle. Think all the air warfare stuff in the sky and all the troops on the ground. Keep them separate. This is sentinels versus people on the ground, and other assholes shooting drills.

Unnecessary screen time.

Is that a sentient drill?

That… doesn’t look like a very comfortable dildo.

How do you maintain those pipes? Or is this a deal where they don’t need to last more than 30 years anyway because of this exact situation.

Oh boy. These two.

What are they slicing into? You realize you’re gonna hit core at some point, right? And that probably won’t be very good.

I guess the dock is the outer layer of Zion. That’s the only explanation here.

Good thing we’re explained exactly how this works so it’s not confusing in the least.

So sentinels are banding together to power this thing?

I… I just don’t care enough to put any thought into this.

This is how they keep her involved in the plot.

Yawn.

Yes, fire both at once. There’s no way anything bad can happen with that.

What is wrong with your face?

These things seem like good defenses against sentinels. Are the machines simply playing a numbers game?

Also, to backtrack a second – so because Neo is not returning to the Source, Zion is going to be destroyed, and people won’t be able to start over. Correct? And this is all while risking a giant system-wide failure of the Matrix, threatening the lives of machines and humans. Is this a game of chicken? I mean, what exactly is the end game here? I feel like they’re only doing this because that’s what was written.

Just like in the club.

Time to reload.

You’re Up(ham).

Rayquaza.

HA HA look at him and his little douchebag helmet.

Also like the guy with the giant blood stain in the center of his outfit.

You should probably move it out of the way so you can walk.

Love this shot. There should be more stuff like this. This is almost video game level, where you see the guys go ahead and fight off the bad guys while you have your obstacle to do.

But even in terms of films, I love shit like this. Deep focus, people fighting, and your main character in the foreground, about to go through what we see ahead. It’s the little things that make films more exciting. It’s shit like this that studios like Marvel just don’t get (or care about).

You’re blowing holes in your own ceiling.

Looks like someone’s about to toss a dwarf.

It might be me.

KAMIKAZE!

Colin:

That robot’s got some goddamn reflexes. I woulda fallen.

Well that was coincidental, wasn’t it?

And what’s with the Mr. Popo lips?

Is that a giant light saber?

Are the beacons lit?

Did Voldemort get the Elder Wand?

Was the Arc of the Covenant opened?

This is what I’m used to when I see a beam of light going up to the sky in a franchise.

Maybe EMP would have been a good idea.

Colin:

Cypher had the right fucking idea, man. Shit.

This would be one of those video game levels where the objective is to just not lose until the level is over. Just, don’t get overwhelmed and hold them off until the cut scene.

Colin:

That’s smart. The sentinels block your shit. They’re like Trade Federation battle droids. They’re useless, but you can throw like a shit zillion of them at something til it just dies, and then you melt down all the broken ones and make new ones.

Colin:

I got nothing to say. This is a bloodbath. Doo doo. Not even a doo doo cloud. A slow, growing doo doo mound.

This place has air vents.

This is about the only thing that interests me right about now.

“Oh my god.”

Thanks, random black guy.

Anything else you got?

What can brown do for you?

Why did you guys need to be in there in the first place, if it’s all automated?

Colin:

Ladies, that’s what an evening with me is like.

I like when tunnels collapse on people.

Oh my god. Doesn’t this look like a shot from a 90s movie?

This looks exactly like something out of a 90s movie.

If I told you this was something out of Super Mario Bros. or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you wouldn’t even think twice about it.

Oh, but he’s dead.

We also cut away to Lock here (which I’m not showing, because who gives a fuck?), who says he wants that “goddamn machine taken down.”

Kinda wondering how he sees the exact play by play of everything, but fuck it I’m just gonna keep drinking.

Hey, this is one of the few real things in this movie.

Oh, it’s you.

I’m guessing the implication is that she’s a lesbian, therefore has no one to be home with and is fighting because she can.

This is nice framing.

“Dig this.”

Fuck you.

Only one breaks off from the pack?

Or gaggle?

What do you call a pack of squid?

A Japanese schoolhouse?

Probably should have been a bit quicker about that. Fire and then go back down.

Face hugger!

What is that thing thinking right now?

Drill down!

Colin:

So the two girls bring down a second leg, and that’s basically it. Cause out of like a hundred people, they were the only team who could do shit. Twice. But anyway. Link’s chick can’t die, so I’m expecting the other one to bite it. Cause the Wachowskis hate lesbians.

Aww… Racer X.

Colin:

Oooooh, double penetration.

DVDA.

Oh y’all are proper fucked.

Colin:

What can men do against such reckless hate? Ride out against THIS shit, Aragorn.

Colin:

Wait, what’s happening with Jada? Aren’t we supposed to be there too?

There’s only so much flying around tight quarters you can cut to before we stop caring.

I think the idea is to have you forget about them and get excited when you realize they’re coming in to save the day.

I’d rather be watching The General right now.

Here we go. Mechanical line.

Naturally taking fire.

And giving off way too much electricity to be considered safe.

“Shit, she’s got a fat ass.”

Colin:

I make sure to use that line at least once an hour. Sometimes in reference to nothing. But I always use that line. It’s something that should be said.

It’s funny how jacked up she got considering how little she’s got to do.

So yeah, shit’s happening.

This only really works as a video game. It’s hard for me to care about any of this.

I can’t even pretend to get excited about this.

Colin:

This is the video game shit I was talking about. All of these turret games were the shit. I remember there was an arcade game when I was a kid, and it was 3D and everything, and you were in a turret on Normandy Beach. I remember thinking just how fucked up it was that I was the Nazi, shooting people coming up the beach, but at the same time, that shit was fun as hell.

It’s cause they’re adults. Y’all should have spent more time playing video games. I’d get one-ups and everything.

The one arcade game I really got into was the one they had at the laser tag place down on Main Street. They had that sniper game, where you had these missions and had to take out targets. They had the gun sitting there, and you had to use the scope and shit and actually make sure hostages didn’t get killed. And whatever it was, I was scarily good at it. Which made me happy, since I love snipers. That was always my preferred position in any of those military games. Because I’m only good for one of two things, patience and precision without moving, or screenwalking. It can only be one or the other. Either I’m sitting on my ledge, taking out hundreds of people, or I’m using Blastoise by himself to beat the entire Elite Four.

You guys have so little to do.

Colin:

That’s fucking ridiculous. You’re trying to fly a crazy path in a hovercraft, worrying about three dimensions, and they’re constantly shooting out your stabilizers. There’s no way you keep this up. That’d be like in a drift race and they shoot out one of your tires. Done, right there. Holy fuck.

When was the last time we saw Neo?

Remember Neo? This is a movie about Neo.

You guys ever do that thing where, you’ve just woken up and you go into the bathroom for your morning piss, and as you’re pissing, you spit into the toilet to get all the germs and bad breath shit out of your mouth, but as you do, it comes out as one of those long spits that just hangs all the way down without ever breaking off? And you’re standing there, mid-stream, trying to both keep the urine in the bowl and shake the spit off? And then it kind of breaks off, but not fully, and you’re standing there like, “I know this isn’t logical, but I really don’t want to suck this little bit of spit back in my mouth, because in a weird way, it feels like there’s piss on it.”

Oh, I’m sorry, is there a movie going on here?

Even though they’d not looking down, that’s too close.

Spit on them.

Drill asshole.

What is your purpose here, Zee?

Jesus, look at the dick and balls she’s standing on.

That’s your purpose?

Colin:

Oh hell no, GI Jane is gonna get ROUGHED UP here, no doubt.

She should let her drop and make a run for it. Let her fire, then drop her so the machines go after her. That would be awesome.

So many shots of drill asshole.

She makes dumb faces.

So these shot straight? The one time we need them to?

Colin:

You missed? Fucking useless.

And now she’s gonna be killed for it.

Ain’t no hatch here. You’re gonna get squid raped.

I hope she lives. Damn fine waste of titties if not.

Colin:

Hah, here it comes. This is too much. This is the part that gets paused and rewound in Japan.

Imagine how they shot this.

That’s an achilles.

When they use blood, they really use it.

I’ll give them points on that.

Bitch you just got impaled.

Aww, shit, it’s the Logos.

Oh, wait, it’s not the Logos. It’s the Hammer. That’s right.

“It’s a trick. That’s not one of ours, it can’t be. That’s a mechanical line. No one can pilot mechanical.”

(Same exact dialogue.)

Cut to someone piloting mechanical.

Colin:

So Jada’s gonna make it there and blow the EMP? But I remember the machines come through anyway, right? Doesn’t Neo end up stalemating them or something? Anyway.

Why is only your chest sweating?

She yells coordinates, then yells at him to keep up, and he’s like, “Bitch, I’m trying!”

Remember when Morpheus was a badass?

“Man, if I had a rock…”

These colors are nice.

Are you listening to them?

Is this one disabling the gate?

Because that’s actually smart.

Did it know to do that? Or is this part of their strategy? Getting efficient and shit?

Because if so, there shouldn’t only be one doing it.

This comes off like chaos and random things happening at the right time because of the plot and not something organically coming of the situation.

“Sir, holographic confirms. It’s the Hammer.”

Well all right, then, Chris Pratt.

They’re gonna get to Gate 3 in 12 minutes.

“Sir, their EMP can take out every sentinel up there.”

Well that’s convenient, isn’t it?

Oh, but if they blow it, they lose the entire dock. So at least there’s that. It’s not entirely a deus ex machina. (In a movie that’s going to have a literal deux ex machina.)

Also, what are they losing? What kind of mechanical or computer power do you even have up there? Everything is in those suits.

“Sir, we already lost the dock.”

RIGHT?!

I like how he’s just waiting like… “Is he gonna kill him or agree?”

“Open the gate.”

Oh, but they can’t.

But it’s cool. You have TWELVE MINUTES.

This movie is gonna suck for shots.

This movie sucks for a lot of things.

Colin:

Damn, she can fly, though. That why Morpheus fucked her back in the day? I’m not sure I’d be cool dating a girl who could drive better than I could. It’d either ruin things or be a HUGE turn on. Can’t be sure which.

You know where I stand on this.

This is why you have people.

I feel like Morpheus is the only reason they haven’t crashed, and no one’s giving him enough credit for it.

That’s a tight corner.

Is that a Gambon?

Why is that thing giving off so much electricity? Is this a bumper car thing? Is that how it runs? What the fuck is that?

It looks cool, but I have no idea why this is happening.

Just like Flight.

“Goddamn, woman, you can drive.”

Oh yeah, they’re all on the turrets, like in Star Wars.

I’ve chosen to ignore all of this, because it’s dumb and pointless.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

What happened to your beanie?

I’m sure that means something.

All right, things are getting darker.

I guess because lights are going out.

We have no idea what time of day this is.

Well that’s a beheading.

I’m more interested in these guys than I am with the suits.

Oh, his head is still there.

That’s disappointing.

Oh my god. The bottom right hand corner looks like anime.

This could be Miyazaki.

I wonder what he could have done with the basic story of this trilogy.

Love action in tunnels.

Also, you guys are fucked.

Please slam him all around against things.

Maybe wipe it off a little better than that.

“How many APUs are operational?”

“Thirteen, sir.”

How can you possibly know that?

“Get me the one closest to Gate 3.”

Guessing it’s this one.

Of course it’s him.

Colin:

People who scream maniacally as they fight to the death entertain me.

Colin:

So there are images. I’m not sure why they haven’t just taken out these few stragglers at this point. How is there a SINGLE APU left?

Colin:

Never has a franchise Japan’ed so hard.

“Reload!”

“He’s pissing metal.”

That sounds painful.

Did you really not have to reload yet? How much fucking ammo do those things carry?

How can you possibly get all the way over there with the amount of bodies on the floor and pieces of the ground missing?

Colin:

How is there even still a walkway to reach him from?

At least he has a guy leading him out. That’s nice of them.

Remember, this fucking asshole tripped when there was nothing on the ground.

Colin:

This is like when Bay put cameras on the guns during Transformers 3. Kind of have to ask…why?

Nice side shot.

Colin:

There are some images here. Shit’s starting to get colorful and evil.

I like the framing here.

Like this shot too.

Don’t cross the streams.

Way to not trip.

I love the casual throw away.

It’s stuck.

Why?

The plot.

Great shot. Cool/warm.

This is it. This is your moment.

Colin:

This is the part where the kid proves himself worthy, right?

I love how even now he looks like he’ll kill him if he fucks up.

This looks like it’ll end well.

Weird how they all knew to congregate on this one guy at this exact moment.

It’s shit like this that’s why I could never write an action movie. Just the idea of this is ridiculous.

Yup. Your only purpose was to kick something.

You scream a lot whilst firing guns at giant squid.

Tiananmen Squid?

Well that was only a matter of time.

Blood.

You’re telling me his throat doesn’t get sliced open at all during this?

Also, holy shit look at all that blood. That’s awesome.

You know what this movie is missing? A random tree on fire running around.

Are those things not burning hot?

Oh, Bubba no!

Nice makeup job, though. I still remembered this even after not seeing the movie for like seven years.

Colin:

Got some pretty serious cuts, there, chum. Not sure that’ll buff out.

God DAMN look at his face!

Oh, but yeah, he lives long enough to tell him to open the gate.

“Captain, I never finished the training program.”

“Neither did I.”

Yeah, but that seems like an important piece of information.

Colin:

Now she’s dragging her fat ass. Holy shit, why the fuck did bullets start going everywhere? I swear, none of them would be having these problems if they weren’t disgusting blood bags. Everyone is just a big blood sac waiting to be popped.

CHESTBURSTER!

Colin:

It’s funny how he runs like a goofy Pixar character.

Colin:

There is NOBODY left alive. What are all these sentinels doing as a single APU walks deliberately toward one of the gates? Don’t they have iMessage or something? “Don’t let them open the gate LOL”

He had to pull that guy’s dead body out of that thing.

And… they’re not attacking… why?

That’s exaggerated.

Great, they just let him kill them. Good job, guys. Way to attack Zion.

That’s all you gotta do? Shoot those things?

“Mifune. This is Lock. I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, The Hammer is two minutes away. You got two minutes, Captain. Get that gate open.”

He doesn’t know Mifune is dead.

I bet if he did he’d be… Mi-fuming.

Convenient that just happened to be there and working.

Also weird that she heard that and that she assumes Link is on that ship. Considering he was on two other ships before he was on that one this movie.

Colin:

She’s gonna save him, right?

She’s religious. Get it?

Speaking of Link… he was just told to charge the EMP. Instead of keeping them alive.

Send the black guy into the danger.

There’s always one.

Tally ho! That’s a kamikaze squid.

Is he squid monologuing? You’re taking a long time to kill this kid. Sam is gonna come from behind and stab you.

Yup.

He should be dead here too.

Samwise Gamgee, out of nowhere with the sword.

Colin:

Action shit is so predictable. Can we go back to the Merovingian?

“Neo – I believe.”

Oh… kay.

I guess he believed in his aim?

“Can we make it?”

“We ain’t come this far.”

Well, you have.

LET ME IN!

This leads me to believe they could have gotten in without it being partially open too.

“Burn it, Link!”

Fuck you.

Colin:

Ugh, okay, so they bust in and blow the EMP. Hooray.

I like the spiral thing going on here.

So, by “becoming increasingly efficient at it,” they mean they have another wave coming after this, right?

Love this, by the way, the red glow and them falling and nothing but smoke all around.

This looks like Godzilla.

I love seeing places on fire and in ruin.

Hooray, we just lost the dock!

Lock knows. This wasn’t a victory.

And he just got shown up by Morpheus again.

Uh oh. I sense bad dialogue coming.

“You did it.”

Don’t say it. Don’t you fucking say it.

“No.”

GODDAMNIT!

“We did it.”

Colin:

That may be more unforgivable than, “Here they come.”

“You’re a hell of a pilot.”

“Some things in this world never change.”

That wasn’t the least bit humble.

Colin:

All of the clichés.

Subtitle.

“But some things do.”

Just fuck already.

ASIAN IN THE FRONT!

This guy’s getting all the praise like he did something.

I guess you can say they’re… reunited, and it feels so good.

Wait…

“You did wear it.”

Is that the most important thing right now?

“You kidding? I’m never gonna take it off.”

Even when they fuck?

Colin:

All of the clichés.

Hey, remember when Neo was in this movie?

– – – – – – – – – –

And that’s the END OF PART III.

Tomorrow is Part IV, and the Machine City.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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