Fun with Franchises: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), Part V — “The Motherfucker Who Found Jesus”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is The Matrix Revolutions.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Matrix franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of The Matrix Revolutions.

We begin Part V with the only thing in the film we want to see.

This is what the Matrix looks like now.

I guess because it’s becoming imbalanced.

There’s your feet payoff shot.

Let’s set the tone for this appropriately:

They’re just chilling here, waiting for him. Because somehow he knew he’d come back.

Colin:

Once again, this is a problem Neo caused.

Pretty great how Jesus gets all the credit for solving problems he created.

P.S. I Hate That He’s Jesus.

This is fantastic. I also respect Smith for allowing this to be a one on one fight.

This is like Triumph of the Will, when they cut up into the window, and there’s that one Nazi kitten inside.

I guess people really did live here.

Colin:

I have to say, I was uncomfortable putting that movie on, for obvious reasons. And then as I was watching it, it was kinda like…wow. They really knew how to play to a fucking crowd here.

What he’s saying is that Triumph of the Will is really no different than Heaven Is For Real. Except that there, the storytelling is more honest.

Colin:

Apparently his Matrix eyes work, but he still wears sunglasses at night, in the rain.

How did he know where to go? How did he know where the real Smith was gonna be?

Why was he standing in line with the rest of them? Why wasn’t he waiting in the middle of the street?

What was he doing the rest of this time when he was waiting?

What if he just started breakdancing?

“Mr. Anderson, welcome back. We’ve missed you.”

“You like what I’ve done with the place?”

First movie shots.

“It ends tonight.”

Ominous thunderclap.

But do you like what he did with the place?

“I know it does. I’ve seen it. That’s why the rest of me is just going to enjoy the show. Because we already know that I’m the one that beats you.”

Can all the Smiths assimilate? Otherwise, he was really fucking busy in here, wasn’t he?

I remember this fight. This is where Smith steps on the Oracle’s head and Neo goes Super Saiyan 2.

Colin:

I feel like this isn’t the proper forum to do so, but someone should really address the…ethnic?…nature of Semi-Perfect Cell’s lips. Along with Mr. Popo, I think it’s safe to say that anime takes liberties.

Civil liberties?

Really like this shot.

How awesome is it that they framed them on the sides of the frame as they run rather than in the center? They’re capable of such great filmmaking, and yet such awful storytelling at the same time.

What happened to all the cars?

Just have the entire fight happen from this angle.

Colin:

REALLY not sure I get what Neo thinks he’s doing fighting him. If you’re gonna fight him, there are several billion of him to fight. If you’re NOT going to fight him, maybe skip the fighting thing and just do whatever else it is you plan on doing.

The whole thing was a suicide mission anyway. So I guess he figured he’d go out doing what he loved — helping his landlady carry out her garbage.

NICE punch!

I like the water flying as he misses.

Rain helps things.

Oh, this is terrific. This angle, this amount of rain. Just let them fight.

Colin:

I think I still prefer the fight in Hero, where the old blind man is playing the zither or whatever the whole time. You wanna fight in the rain? Zither, baby.

Or… do that.

Maybe he’ll end up beheaded like Carlisle.

Remember that movie?

Colin:

I have no idea of what you’re talking about. 

I try to block it out too.

Somebody had to have gotten sick during the filming of this sequence.

Neo wins.

Colin:

The silliness of this is not lost on me. That’s Hugo Weaving on a bed made of asphalt.

They can both fly?

Also, this would look ridiculous without the rain.

Kinda like this. What is that?

Colin:

Actually, now the spirit bomb thing doesn’t seem so ridiculous.

Whoa. The street looks like reflections from a fish tank. That’s cool.

Which people do you think those are?

And now you’re getting rained on again.

And now they’re falling while fighting. Unique.

This face.

Matrix fighting in a nutshell:

Punch punch punch, kick kick kick.

Someone jumps in the air in slow motion and kicks another person.

Person is thrown through a wall.

Other person walks toward them, only their feet in the frame.

Other person motions for them to “bring it on.”

Hugo Weaving is awesome.

Colin:

That’s kind of the problem with this fight. It’s too much FIGHTING and not enough of the awesome moments we enjoy with Hugo Weaving making faces.

This is the “thrown through a wall” part.

I’ve never seen that much brick in this entire franchise.

Man, you fly through walls a lot, though.

That’s not brick.

Uncool Aid.

Colin:

Look at me, Mr. I Have Eyes that Work.

I’m Neo, and here’s my mad face!

They should just randomly cut to the window squeegee guy during this fight. The one guy Smith hasn’t assimilated yet.

This is cool, though. He’s flying through a wall vagina.

This will never not be funny to me.

But actually, that’s what this is. I love it. This would be on my shots list if it wasn’t so fake.

The dojo?

How do you fall for that move?

That’s how the Barbary wars ended.

This kind of reminds me of that place in Moonraker where Bond fought the shifty Chinaman after Jaws came and tried to rape the other chick in the clown costume.

Colin:

The glass factory? Also, that sentence should never have been uttered…should never have been needed to be uttered.

They’re just flying around this room.

Colin:

Okay, this is just some goofy shit now. This is beyond the goofiness of Dragonball Z.

Why can they both fly?

When was Smith able to fly?

Is that you realizing he can fly?

That’s what people used to do in the pool when they couldn’t get started on their own.

You are not good for walls.

This also would be on the shots list if it weren’t so fake looking.

Also pretty sure this is where Smooth Criminal happened.

YOU JUST FLEW INTO ONE ANOTHER?!

That’s a beam. That should cause the ceiling to come down.

Again?!

Colin:

That really looks painted on. 

Look familiar?

Nice shot.

“Can you feel it, Mr. Anderson?”

Coming in the air tonight?

“Closing in on you? Oh, I can.”

Love that? Can you feel it? Oh, I can.

“I really should thank you for it, after all. It was your life that taught me the purpose of all life. The purpose of life is to end.”

This is every Marvel villain.

ONE OF WHOM IS HUGO WEAVING.

He hasn’t said a word since he got here.

Well, I guess he said, “It ends tonight.” But nothing else.

Who needs words when you can do that, apparently.

Really?

He goes through like three emotions here.

Colin:

And yet…Hugo Weaving is the most enjoyable orgy of emotions all at once. Just before they start fighting again, he does like 5 different faces in the span of three seconds, and it actually works. The man is a fucking virtuoso.

Sometimes they should just keep the camera where it is. This is a great shot.

And a sewing machine in the corner.

Skyfall!

Seriously, this is great. Why not more of this?

The Wachowskis developed this thing where they do really cool shit but don’t stick with it because they constantly want more. And then they go back to repeating shit because they think that’s what people want. It’s a real problem. If this was a good three minutes of the scene, just them fighting like this, it would have been amazing. But instead they want onto more bullshit.

Didn’t fall for it this time.

That’s good.

Adaptation, improvisation.

Tooth!

Glasses.

Three movies now.

I’d be pissed that I had to buy more glasses too.

Colin:

I’m always confused about programs wearing clothing. Is that not part of their code?

Maybe that’s what “upgrades meant.”

“Ugh, his code is so last year!”

Or maybe…

“Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her code!”

Nice. I love when people get thrown through windows.

Great shot.

Colin:

Yeah, none of this means anything. How are there still 20 minutes left of this movie? Is there gonna be an epilogue at Platform 9 3/4?

Nope, just Niobe hopping up on Morpheus’ platform 9 3/4.

Air brake.

This is kinda cool too.

He still has only spoken one line.

His faces make this worthwhile.

I don’t care about this. The operatic music and them flying into each other is meaningless to me. I need hand to hand combat that tells a story.

This is dumb.

This is meaningless. They can fly. When they can’t fly, that’s when this is exciting.

You think any of the Smiths are taking bets on this?

Colin:

If it showed them passing money around, I would applaud.

Remember how the machines can change things?

Why not change what’s going on?

Why haven’t they changed anything since the first movie?

Yeah, okay.

Wow, they actually got hit by that.

Slightly better.

This is basically an offensive lineman battle. What the fuck?

Why do we need this? I know, it’s cool. Lightning is always cool. But why do we need this? FIGHT!

The GoPro shot.

Why is this interesting? Wouldn’t you rather them just fighting like they used to?

Colin:

That was an Akira boom.

Wide shots during fighting can only go so wide before we’re not seeing anything of value.

Colin:

Dragonball Z at least made it semi-interesting when there would be bangs all over the place. Or a punch so the character goes flying out of sight and then you see a building collapsing like 10 miles away.

YES!

Oh good. This again.

For the fourth time during this fight.

That’s not suggestive.

Is this supposed to be New York? That’s a very New York building.

Yeah, this is dumb.

I guess that means the fight is over.

We’ve all been there.

Colin:

He was bleeding from the last punch. How is he intact? At this point, it’s just whatever the fuck we wanted it to be, huh?

This is a great shot.

“Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why? Why do you do it? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting?”

Colin:

I was going to ask why this movie couldn’t have been better. 

“You believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know?”

Love that they got the reaction shot in there.

“Is it freedom, or truth, perhaps peace. Could it be for love?”

Colin:

He lists off the random words people get caught up on.

Maybe he assimilated the Indian girl’s father, too.

“Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception.”

Colin:

Vagaries of perception. Truth. I would fight for Hugo Weaving.

“Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that it without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind can invent something as insipid as love.”

I have nothing to say. Just let him monologue some more.

“You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win, it’s pointless to keep fighting.”

“Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you persist?”

“Because I choose to.”

Colin:

Because you choose to? The WHOLE thing is that? We’ve been talking about choice for the WHOLE GODDAMN time.

This is a great face. “Because you choose to?” I’d want to punch him too.

Colin:

This man salvages the movie. I don’t care about any of the rest of it. Just give me clips of Weaving and cut the rest of the movie and I’ll go with it.

That was cool. Not sure why he had so much water in his mouth, though.

Too much slow motion. Just fight.

Doesn’t get more CGI than this.

Oh my god.

Look how fake this looks.

Great shot, conceptually. But holy shit, don’t slow it down to show us how fake it is.

He looks like Ethan Suplee.

So fake, yet kinda funny.

Love that sped up punch.

You look like you have a giant alien head above this.

And he’s got that Vincent D’Onofrio face going on. After he gets taken over by the alien and is asking for sugar water.

Colin:

I think it was in the second movie that he had the line, “More. More. More.”

Punch that motherfucker through the rocks.

That’s right, bitches.

And they’re just standing there. This really is a fair fight.

Now what?

He’s not dead.

BAM!

“This is my world. My world!”

Colin:

But..what are you going to do now? They’re just lining the streets. It’s not like they have something better to do.

He looks so resigned.

All right, just stand there and let him tackle you.

Shiho just lost his shit.

He’s really hulking out right now.

What’s with all the body shots? You were clearly pulling back to hit him in the face.

“Wait. I’ve seen this. This is it, this is the end.”

Colin:

How can you not enjoy him going through the play-by-play he saw with The Oracle’s powers?

“You were laying right there, just like that, and I – I – I stand here. Right here.”

Ever given any thought to why you’ve seen this?

Even when unconscious, he gets a reaction shot.

“I’m supposed to say something. I say, ‘Everything that has a beginning has an end, Neo.’”

And allegedly now he understand what he has to do?

“What? What’d I just say? No, no, this isn’t right, this can’t be right.”

“Get away from me.”

This is GREAT. He’s like, “Yes, I’ve won. I’ve seen it. Wait, why am I doing it this way?” And then Neo gets up. This is freaky as shit. I love how afraid he is right now.

“What are you afraid of?”

“It’s a trick.”

“You were right, Smith. You were always right. It was inevitable.”

Probably not the best course of action.

Maybe you should leave him alive and see what happens.

You really dug your arm deep into his chest there.

If he’s letting you do it, you should probably be questioning that.

“Is it over?”

Come on, buddy.

Also, clearly not Neo. He’s smiling.

You guys remember cumming for the first time.

So did that cause a power surge or something?

Subtle, guys. Real subtle.

Colin:

Was this not from Constantine? It’s pretty bad when the imagery here is stronger than the one that’s actually about angels and demons.

“No, no, no, no, no. No, it’s not fair.”

Colin:

Shouldn’t Smith have something to say about fairness and why it’s bullshit?

That’s the second time this is happening to him.

Colin:

So now he does the same shit. He goes in and blows up Smith from the inside. That was kinda boring.

I told you. They took all the shit from the previous movies and filled in all the rest of the stuff with that. Which is most of the movie.

Look at the face he’s making!

You ever puke light?

Just like Sauron.

Also, everyone in the Matrix is now dead, right?

Jesus went out the same way.

“It is done.”

It said, to no one in particular.

Colin:

Did he die from the light puking?

He’s gonna pop!

You left her alive?

Did you really make Mary Alice lay in the mud like that?

Also, so I guess all the people just get reset? How does that work?

So… are they just gonna leave him there, or…?

Colin:

Annnnnd, the war is over.

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“He did it.”

“He saved us.”

“What is it? What happened?”

“Sir, he did it, sir. Neo, he did it!”

“Did what?”

“He ended the war. The machines, they’re gone. The war is over, sir. The war is over!”

“Zion, it’s over!”

Colin:

I hate this character. I’m running out of opportunities to say so.

“The war is over! The war is over!”

Right, though?

Also, good moment for him to get impaled by a rogue sentinel.

Well goddamn, Link.

Colin:

That’s the difference between us and the robots. We appreciate titties.

Gonna be a hell of a dance party tonight.

Colin:

Are we gonna have 20 more minutes of people screaming that the war is over?

Now what do they do?

And what do they do?

Your entire purpose is killing people, and now you’re just… squid.

“I imagined this moment for so long. Is this real?”

Do you not care that your friend is dead?

This motherfucker is set up for life now. He’s the motherfucker who found Jesus.

Colin:

Morpheus gonna get some PUSSAY TONIGHT

(Good title, by the way. The Motherfucker Who Found Jesus. Starring Samuel L. Jackson.)

So did she and Lock break up? Because when did that happen?

Are we just supposed to buy that they’re together now because that’s how movies work.

“Neo, wherever you are… thank you.”

Sure, he can hear that. So just whisper all creepy like that into his chest.

REAL FUCKING SUBTLE.

Is it gonna throw his body off the side to keep shit clean? Because I’d be down for that.

That sounds exactly like the thinking of a machine to me.

Colin:

No. They have to liquefy it and feed it to the people he saved. You know. Communion. 

What about Trinity? Does she not get special treatment?

Bane’s body is here too.

Is he off to the undying lands or something? Or are they actually about to throw him in an incinerator with the rest of the rejects?

Why do you keep cutting to him? He’s dead. Stop that.

Did he get turned into power?

I’m so confused about all of this.

Are there gonna be no more anomalies?

If he was born inside the Matrix, does he go back inside?

DOES HE BECOME NOODLES???

Colin:

If James Woods had been in this movie somehow, I’d have enjoyed that.

Matrix Walter Brennan.

“You think that’s air you’re breathin’ now? He heh!”

This chick is just sleeping on the sidewalk.

Glitch!

Colin:

That shit looks like Minecraft. Which I still don’t understand.

“Good morning.”

Really? Not even gonna question why you woke up on a street corner? Because you’re like 8. That’s weird. At 23, not so weird.

Colin:

“Good morning, kitty. I had a dream I was Hugo Weaving.”

Love them some footsteps.

This is exactly like that moment in Naked Gun where he’s randomly in the middle of the woods.

Architect.

Oracle.

Sure, all the people are dead. It’s just programs now.

Colin:

Why does shit have to be so poorly lit for this ENTIRE movie?

They lit it on a computer, too!

Did they fuck? Do you think they fucked?

“Well, now, ain’t this a surprise?”

“You played a very dangerous game.”

Perhaps… the most dangerous game.

“Change always is.”

By the way, this is exactly how Do the Right Thing ended too.

“Just how long do you think this peace is going to last?”

I don’t know. Maybe if you gave us the fucking terms of the peace, we could guesstimate.

“As long as it can.”

Great reaction. Snort and then turn around.

“What about the others?”

“What others?”

“The ones that want out.”

“Obviously they will be freed.”

Obviously.

Try to be a little more condescending.

No, seriously, try. Because I enjoy seeing you be an elitist program. It amuses me.

Colin:

So how does this end? Zion is saved and the humans stay in the Matrix? Except for the ones who want out? Which is less than 1 percent, according to The Architect?

“I have your word?”

What about his sword? And his axe?

“What do you think I am, human?”

Weird how they’re just alive like that. I mean, they’re programs, sure. But still.

Also weird how she just has this child for like, no reason.

And how all of these programs are randomly alive. What, were they defragmented or something? Did they remove all the Smith bugs? Just a reset? How did that work? None of this is ever explained. We just get a happy ending and have no idea how it happened.

Also, piece of trivia. Apparently that bench is a memorium bench of Thomas Anderson. Of course, we never see this up close and I only read about it in the trivia, but the only reason I mention it is because Colin has a story about a memorial bench…

Colin:

In my hometown, there is a bench dedicated to me. It was a graduation gift from a friend who worked for the town, and after he put the plaque on a bench, they never took it down cause I’m supposed to be dead and that would be rude. I got some interesting emails from friends after their parents sat on it and thought I was dead. 

“Look! Look!”

What? The sun? Okay.

“Did you do that?”

“For Neo.”

That’s appropriate. Because a computer program did actually do that.

Colin:

She makes sunrises? Well there’s a bullshit function.

The worst part is, you know the idea was that this was all fated to happen, and she was supposed to make the sunrise for dead Jesus.

Ugh.

“Will we ever see him again?”

Nah, he dead.

“I suspect so. Someday.”

I assume she means anomaly-wise, and not… heaven. Because if it’s heaven… fuck you.

Colin:

Programs don’t go to heaven. The closest you can do is the program protection program. Which is the Win32 folder.

“Did you always know?”

“Oh no. No I didn’t. But I believed.”

“I believed.”

The repetition of the line is stupid.

Colin:

Wait, that’s the end? THAT’S THE END? COME THE FUCK ON.

Let’s go get some noodles.

– – – – – – – – – –

And that’s the END OF PART IV.

Tomorrow is Part V, and the boss fight.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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